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Source: DICOBE-00402 – Tom B – WICHITA KANSAS SPRING RNDP – 1977-04-10.mp3 File: dicobe-00402-tom-b-wichita-kansas-spring-rndp-1977-04-10.mp3 Duration: 00:55:32
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Before the meeting, he wanted to get right into the spiritual aspects of this, so I'm going to turn it over to you, but I've heard Tom before, I told him I didn't know anything about him, but I was here when he was here before, and I hope he tells you about his suicidal attempt, because I can really identify with that. If there's nothing further, I'll give you Tom. Yeah, they haven't even stood up and they want me to kill myself already.
The scriptures say that on the third day, and here we are. God, I thought we were never going to get here. I'm a year late. And these lilies concern me. I have a feeling I should be laying out here. But you nearly got me last year, and by God, you're not going to get me this year. I am Tom, and I'm an alcoholic. And it's a rare privilege to be with you on such a day, a day of new life and resurrection, a day that tells us that we need not be afraid of what's coming.
So if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I know you're full of fear, because we are. But if you stay close and do what these people who, whether you believe it or not, love you, the next year you may be smiling a little, and your eyes will most certainly be smiling, and you will find out that there's a whole new way to go. And it's called Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's my privilege to be here and to share it with you.
A year ago, Friday, I was sitting on the plane coming to you, and somebody stuck an ice pick in my ticker, and I got off the plane. And to tell you what happened, the plane couldn't get started. It was Northwest Airlines DC-10. That's not uncommon for Northwest Airlines. They have a little trouble finding Minneapolis on occasion. And that's where they live. Of course, we know all about that. And they couldn't get the DC-10 started, and I'm sitting on the plane, and I'm looking forward to being with you and to seeing all you who I've known before, and those of you who I hadn't met.
And, of course, my Joe and my Chuck and also him. And they couldn't get it started. And then something happened, and I was sitting with a friend who'd had a heart attack about nine months previous. And I didn't know what was happening, and it wasn't a coronary. It was kind of an angina thing. And I said to him, I said, I think I'll get off. And him and the stewardesses had a unanimous vote and agreed.
They didn't want me cluttering up the aisle. And the minute I stepped off the DC-10, the engine started. And I thought, I don't think I'm supposed to be going. And I went to the hospital, and they kept me a couple of days on one of them little itty-bitty narrow things. And I don't sit on those things real good. And the nurse kept coming by saying, Mr. B. we do have a wider one, you know, but they never did bring him.
They figure, well, he falls off of that, the hell with him. But God was kind to me, and I guess I'm supposed to be here because it wasn't too bad, and it was a warning. And like all the rest of us drunks, we have a very humble opinion of the medical profession. We're convinced we're all lying to us. So God has to kick us in the teeth to get our attention, and he got mine, and here I am. And now I'm on Weight Watchers, for heaven's sake.
And some guy said, ain't it nice, it's a way out there where you can watch it. Probably in Alamon. They have a habit of saying those snotty things. So it's great, and I've so enjoyed it. God has been there, fascinating things. If you want to see the miracle of growth, I suggest you go across to the park.
[00:05:05]
There's 5,000 dogs over there. And from my room, you can see the dandelions growing. God, they're just coming up like you never saw. And it's fun sleeping on the Indianapolis Speedway. You're no different here than we are up there. I thank Bill and Jim and Barney and all of you for inviting me again. I drove down because I drive now, and I enjoy it. And now I'm driving through your country. I don't know whether you've ever come through the border to an AA meeting.
I know Mary and Wesley have, and I know that Jack and Frankie and many of you have been up in our country. But the fastest way to get through the border, the international border, the Canadian-American border, is to find a red-faced immigration officer who don't look well. And he'll say, what is your business in the United States? You say, I'm talking at an AA meeting. Go right ahead. He don't want to mess around with you.
He's liable to rub off. And he says, are you carrying any booze? I said, oh yes. We're not the only ones who have suffered from insanity. And it's good. Somebody said last night after hearing Clancy, and I just loved him, and I agree with him, those of us who are with you this weekend have been in love with each other for a long time. Mary and I, and of course Wesley was one of my very early sponsors, and my long-distance sponsors in South Florida.
You know Wesley. That's the guy who looks like a taxi cab with the doors open. And Wesley captured me when I was a year sober in Pompano and spent a lot of time from there on with me when I would go there. And he became one of the people who early in my life took me around the spiritual corners that I couldn't get around on my own steam in Alcoholics Anonymous. And to be with him, and of course Mary and I have been in love for years, and Clancy, and Norm, and oh God, and of course Virginia.
And so, God, you know, you are so wonderful, you know, to bring us together. We wouldn't even see each other if it wasn't for people like you. And we're so happy we can even stand listening to each other now and then. Two of them went home, of course. Somebody said after Clancy, God, some of these stories they keep adding to, and they embellish their drunk stories and quack, quack, quack. Well, there was a time, you know, I was reading the scriptures this morning I thought was appropriate.
And, you know, they talk about A.D. after death and B.C. before Christ. Well, we have an A.A., a B.O. as before O'Neal. Now before O'Neal, you could run around on the circuit and lie like hell. But now O'Neal come in on the act with them tapes, and there's always some stool pigeon at home that gets your talk in Wichita and says, oh, you got a new drunk story, I see. So, God, we got to tell the truth.
And anyway, mine's long enough. Wesley's got to catch a plane at 105. Good luck. You probably missed the first, the second half of my talk. You certainly missed the spiritual part. In 1947, our beloved Bill made a talk in Akron. It was about 20 minutes long. I'm sure that Bill has it. And I had never heard it before, and I got it on a, accidentally on a set of old red 75 Manoro records, you know, which God are older than Wesley Parish.
And it was a talk he gave in 1947 in Akron, I suspect, at Founders Day. And it was only a 30-minute talk. Now, Bill didn't give many 30-minute talks. Neither did any other drunk I ever met give many 30-minute talks. And he said something that got my attention. He said that Alcoholics Anonymous is not a personal success story. It is rather the story of our colossal human failure,
[00:10:00]
converted to the happiest kind of usefulness by that divine alchemy, the living grace of God. And I had never heard that before. And with my deep humility, I probably said, God, I wish I'd said that. But think about what he said. AA is not a personal success story. And it's not. It's what Clance was talking about, and it's what Wes and Mary were talking about, and Norman and Al-Anon Virginia. It's not a personal success story.
It's not a, look what I have done, because I haven't done anything, I agree, with O.J. There's no I's in this business. It's we. There isn't an I in any of those things. There isn't an I in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. In case you may not have read it, we recommend it. I believe it's Paul Martin who says, if you want to hide anything from a member of AA, put it in the big book. You'll never find it.
That's right. We read everything in the world but the big book. Sobriety and beyond and beneath and above and below and wherever the hell it is. Think books, read books, green books and yellow books, and we forget the only book that tells us what's the matter with us. There's not another book on the face of the earth that tells a drunk what's the matter with us than the big book. And God knows there's a lot of books on alcoholism these days.
We're a little long on genius and short on sense in the field of alcoholism. Thank God they're coming out of the shrubbery, them PhDs. You've got to watch them post hole diggers. Screw your head up every time. Of course, we've got one or two of them in AA, and one was just up in my town a while ago in January. We have a winter conference, and if you don't think it ain't a winter conference, I'll tell you.
And he just came off the board of trustees of AA last spring. He's a PhD in sociology. His name's George Gordon. He's an AA member, and he's one of the most delightful men I've ever had the pleasure of walking with. And we were sitting talking, and he was talking about, you know, what do you do with sort of ex-delegates? You know, well, you usually put them to work, but what do you do with ex-trustees?
You know, they're kind of a weird crew. You know, and I happen to be one, and he's about as close to oblivion as you'll ever get, you know. And he's, you know, what we're going to do is we're banding together, and we're creating an organization of freelance bleeding deacons. You see, some new groups haven't got one. And if you haven't got a bleeding deacon, we'll come to your group. We'll rent out.
And we'll say things like, it ain't like it used to be. And they certainly ain't running it like they used to. And we'll hemorrhage all over the meeting room floor. Because every group should have one. Clance talked about it last night. You've got to have some of these old cardinals snarling at you, just so you know you can get better than that. You know, and I love this guy, but we're a little long on that sometimes, and we're inclined to read everything in the world but what the thing is that tells us what's the matter.
I thank God that when I came to you 21 years and some months ago that they didn't give me a lot of that other thing. My sponsor, many of you know old Ross. Well, Wes knows him and Marion and some of you. He's kind of a hard-nosed old bird, too. He was sober eight years when I got here, and he still looked half in the bag. God, he had a face like a tomato. You know, he looked like a boiled orange. And he had a drink for eight years, his nose all over his face.
I kept saying, Ross, why don't you get your nose fixed? He said, I did, it used to be over here. I said, they didn't straighten it, they just moved it. I said, what the hell, it's working. Well, I believe very deeply that there's only one book that tells us really what's the matter with it. I believe the doctor's opinion chapter in the big book is the most succinct, straightforward definition and description of what's the matter with you and I that's ever been written anywhere on the face of the earth.
That guy knew us. He's talking about things 20 or 40 years ago when Bill Silkworth wrote that, talking about things that, God, some of the people today are still trying to prove, aren't they? God, I read something the other day that therapy with alcoholics isn't very effective until they admit they're alcoholism. Yes, he just came up with that, that son of a bitch. Paid him a 50 grand for that. Paid him a fifty grand to figure that out.
[00:15:01]
You and I could have told him that drunk. Geez, I didn't even have to get sober to know things weren't going too good until I got sober. But thank God, thank God we have a book. Thank God we have a book called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll tell you something else about it, which I'm sure most of you know, but some of you may not. And Clance talked about it so beautifully last night. God, I love the man.
The guy is a, he's a performer, but nobody in the world talks about feelings at a greater depth than Clance Emerson does. This man really knows how you and I feel and how we act and react. And he's just something else because this is what this book talks about. You can read every other book in the world about alcoholism. And nowhere in the world except in that book does it tell you how we feel. It'll tell you what's the matter with us and, well, you define it.
And it'll give you the psychological manifestations and the social manifestations and every other manifestation. But it won't tell you how we feel down here, in behind our belly buttons. And this book does. You know. We wonder today why the kids who are, you know, in my time, 14, 15, 16, 13, coming into our fellowship and identifying. They're not identifying, as Clance said, because of how much we drank.
They're identifying with you and I as how we feel. What's going on in here, that's the thing that kept me coming back to my meeting. I drank more than some of you and a great deal less than others. My sponsor said, you don't have to identify with things you haven't done yet. First of all, it's impossible. How can you identify with something in your life that hasn't happened to you yet? How many? Oh, geez, I haven't done that. I better go and do it.
You know. And I was 28 when I came to you and I'll be 50 next month. Oh, God. And, you know, 21 years ago in my time there were three of us under 40 or 36 and they were highly suspicious of us. You know, they really didn't think, well, they're not really. They had a little trouble, you know. I've spilt more than you drank, you know. So we said, well, if you were drinking it instead of spilling it, you'd have had a hell of a life.
You'd have gotten out quicker. I said, my elbows have soaked up more booze, so who cares if you've got mushy elbows, you know. I didn't identify with you at 28. Neither did these kids who were 15 and 16 identifying with us. Because they drank a quarter of a pint. Or because they did a little of that Mara Wonderful or something. They're identifying with you and I because how we feel and you and I don't have a right to turn that off.
You and I do not have a right to turn that off. You and I do not have a right to say, well, you know, God, they nearly sent me out to train for five more years. You know, when you're really sick. We had a group in my town. If you phoned up and asked for help, they said, we'll come and get you. And if the guy said, you don't need to do that, I've got a car, they said, oh, Christ, you ain't ready. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and my father was in the car business.
We had 400 of them. Geez, if you'd have sent me out to drink them up, I wouldn't have got here. If you'd have sent me out to drink up my money, I wouldn't have made it because father had a firm grip on it. And he wasn't about to let me have it at that point, which made a hell of a lot of sense, but I, God resented him for that. This book tells us how we feel. The first words ever written by our beloved Bill says, we of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
That's exactly what Clancy was talking about last night. A seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Put a more beautiful, distinct definition of what's the matter with us than that. And God, people are talking to me about psychological maladjustment and related disorders. Oh, I love related disorders. Oh, I've picked up three new ones. What the hell's a related disorder? Your mother-in-law, I guess.
Your mother-in-law, I guess. I don't know. Why, of course we got related disorders.
[00:20:02]
Everything about us is disorderly. I never met a nice orderly drunk. Well, of course we're psychologically maladjusted. I was screwed up. But that's a nice word, Forbes. You are psychologically maladjusted. God love them. And they feel, they feel as Clancy said, if we get their related disorders all organized, then they'll be able to go out and drink again, and we do, and it doesn't work. I was born, as you can see.
God, I used to say that. I was born, and I'd get the funniest books from you people. I'd get the funniest books from you people. I could just hear saying, oh, you're a dingbat. We can see that. It's a redundant statement. What we're wondering is why. The hell of a lot of us are wondering that. I was born, I don't know that I was born an alcoholic. I don't particularly care, one way or the other. I'm Irish, and I was born thirsty.
I don't know if you're Irish, if you're automatically going to be an alcoholic, but I'd suggest if you're Irish and your name is Tom, don't ever take a drink. Because you're dead. My father was an alcoholic. He was a protected alcoholic. He was one of these people that we looked after. He was taken care of with nurses and doctors. He wasn't a mean alcoholic. He was just an alcoholic. He was a very successful, very dynamic man and a guy who never in his life did anything to harm me or hurt me or humiliate me in any way.
So I was born. I was born a rebel. Jeremy the Drunk wasn't a rebel. I have never met a drunk who loved authority. Did you? Never did. We are not the kind of people who say to the constable when he stops me on the turnpike, Oh, officer, I'm so delighted that you stopped me. God, sir, I realize I was breaking the law and I owe you a deep debt of gratitude. Now, you may have said that to policemen, but by God, I didn't say that. I said, who the hell do you think you are?
And I would say, I am paying your salary. And my license plate says Manitoba and I'm in Kansas and he ain't impressed. He said, if you're paying my salary, I think I'm starving to death. Or you say to them, don't you know who I am? And they say, no, but we're about to. I was a rebel. I never met a drunk. I never met an addict of any kind who loved authority. Drunks don't like authority. Don't tell a drunk, Bill knew this. That's why he put the word suggested. It's the greatest snow job that's ever been perpetrated on alcoholics.
It's the word suggested. If you read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it also suggests what might happen to you if you don't do them steps. And like quitting breathing. But we don't see that part. We just say, don't tell me. You know, God will. We go out in defiance and kill ourselves. So I'm a rebel and I'm a coward. That's a bad combination. If you're going to be a successful rebel, you should be gutsy.
Well, I'm gutsy, but in the wrong department, my doctor said. If you're going to be a successful rebel, you should be gutsy. If you're a coward and a rebel, you're a disaster looking for a place to happen. And it did and I was there. And I couldn't talk. I had a speech impediment. I stuttered until I came to use the bat. I couldn't put two words together sober. And that's a hell of a thing when you're young and you're a teenager and you're trying to communicate. I never felt like I belonged anywhere in my family or anywhere else.
And it wasn't their fault. Again. Again. They never did anything in their lifetime to harm me, hurt me, or humiliate me in any way. I just phoned that 82-year-old mother of mine. And she's not feeling very good. And she said, what are you doing? I said, where are you? She said, I'm in Wichita. She said, oh, yes. She said, how did the talk go? I said, I'm just going down to talk. She said, I suppose you're going to tell that terrible story. And I am and you'll get it later.
But she said, thank them and tell them that I love them. And she does. She hasn't met you, but she loves you because she thinks that AA is the greatest thing in my life. And she knows it. And Al-Anon is the greatest thing in her life. She was a member of the first Al-Anon group in our community. She still is. Not very active. Al-Anon took the bitterness out of her life. I am a great fan of Al-Anon.
And I happen to be, ladies and gentlemen, one of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous, like Mary, who has an Al-Anon sponsor as well as AA sponsors. I have learned as much or more from Al-Anon in how to communicate, live with, and serve the people I love from Al-Anon than I did from Alcoholics Anonymous.
[00:25:04]
So my Elsa and my little Harvey up there are my Al-Anon sponsors. And I'm a big fan of Al-Anon. So my Elsa and my little Harvey up there are my Al-Anon sponsors. And I'm his AA sponsor. And he can drink socially, and it's nauseating to watch. In the city of Winnipeg now, Al-Anon has more groups than AA. They passed this 41 to 43. And I believe that's the way it's supposed to be. I truly believe that in Wichita this second, there are more people, men, women, and children, who need and can accept what you and Al-Anon have to offer than who need and can accept what AA has to offer.
And the more people go into Al-Anon, the more they're going to come to us. I agree with Clancy. It does ruin your program. And by golly, they're going to be bigger, and we better let them be bigger. And who the hell, we're not in competition anyway. But we've still got a few of them old turkeys up there who, I don't let my wife go to Al-Anon. I wonder, there must be a page out of his book somewhere.
I know why he don't let her go to Al-Anon. He's afraid she'll find out what the hell he's supposed to be doing for 20 years. Mine did, and it got me well. She used to throw the book in my lap and say, hey, you better read this, God. That'll get you. She knew it better than I did. I agree. I agree. I'm one of the people that believes that one of the first books that Al-Anon people should read is the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
I understand that's not very popular in some places. What the hell are we doing? There's two chapters in this book that Al-Anon sprang from. I think you ought to read them and find out. God, it's beautiful. The family afterward, if you had one, it's interesting reading. But I love you in Al-Anon and Alateen and whatever else you happen to be in. I vowed never again to speak after an Alateen speaker. That's murder.
You think following plants is bad? You ought to follow some of those kids. There's nothing left. They live and act and react in this thing the way we do. We do not have the corner on the pain market. Remember years ago, and I'm sure Budish and many of you remember, they used to stand up and say, we love the Al-Anons because they came here for a lesser reason than we did. I think that's arrogance. We really felt that you just joined something because we were joining something.
Oh God, how many times do we see the people come to Al-Anon and we're shaped than the drunks. Well, of course they are. They don't have the tranquilizer. They got to live with this dinghy without any anesthetic. That'll drive anybody nuts. My mother was convinced the only reason I got well was to get sick again. She thought throwing up was a hobby. Yeah, it was, sort of. There's a great relationship between alcoholism and pregnancy, you know.
We got morning sickness. Your problem gets more obvious with the passage of time. Except yours is resolved in nine months. Ours goes on. It's amazing. So I was born a rebel. I was a coward and I couldn't talk. Thirteen, fourteen, or fifteen, I was the guy who was standing on the wall of the high school dance, with shoes glued to the floor. Dying to be in the middle where the action was and couldn't move with a smile on my face.
You know, you always smiled because, in the beginning, because you didn't want them to ask you what was the matter. Because you didn't want them to ask you what was the matter. You know, so you just… You see a lot of drunks smiling, but you look at their eyes. I'm an eye-watcher. I love eyes. I watch eyes. My sponsor taught me to do this. You see people come into AA in the beginning and they've got dead eyes.
They're smiling. Sure, drunks can show a lot of porcelain, not smile, you know. And you watch them in the program in the AA and the Al-Anons and you watch the kids and whoever it is. And after a little while, all of a sudden there's a sparkle down here. There's a light in here and these things start to light up slowly like one of those things that you have on a wall for dimming lights. They get a little brighter and a little brighter and a little brighter and a little brighter.
And you see them. And you see them.
[00:30:00]
And you see them. And you see them. but I made them my sponsors because I had a feeling that they got that look and that demeanor from doing something, the guys have been sober 10 years and they're still doing this, I avoided, because I thought, geez, I don't, I did that, you know, when I was drinking, who was it, old Chuck, Chuck, what is his last, I can't think of his name, well Chuck something, he said he was shaking so bad the total strangers were waving back at him, you know, ha ha ha, how do you go down the street and whip, you know, and somebody you never saw before says, oh hello there, that's alcoholism, never saw a social drinker doing that, they just shiver a little, we leap, ha ha ha, oh gee, something else, ha ha ha, so I just stood there and against that wall and died, inside that terrible blackness, that I know I didn't feel a part of anything, and even if I had gone into the middle and asked some doll to dance and I'm gonna, how about, how about, what the hell, you know, I had a terrible fear of rejection and a terrible necessity for approval and I was just nothing in there, nothing, until I found my first drink and it changed the whole deal, God I agree with Clancy, alcohol is an answer to beginning, not a problem, even if you're a drunk from the first drink, as he said, when you first come out of the chute, it's still an answer, you know, that's why, that's why the demon rum pitch, that's why the prohibitionist pitch, that's why the temperance pitch, really doesn't affect us too much in the beginning, God, we found something that, that puts us together, you know, now they made what, you know, what the hell is a problem, you know, what my family thought was a problem wasn't for me, I know what an alcohol problem, an alcohol problem is when you run out of whiskey, that's what an alcohol problem is in those days, you know, but oh God, oh that stuff did to me, I was with my father, my father intimidated me all the time, I was 14 years old and I, I've never felt like I communicated with him and I couldn't much because I stuttered and he was deaf and he'd say, what, what, what, what, and I was, he figured, screw it, you're not going to understand anyway, have you ever said that?
But we were out in the country on a day like today and out in my country in the fall, we were hunting or shooting, I forget which, there's a difference and I was driving at 14 years old, I was nearly as big physically as I am now, had a little less around the middle, a little more in the top, but I built like as Chuck says, a Mack truck, smart, good-looking, intelligent, and humble, and really just an all-around pain in the ass, just, I nearly died the first time I saw the mob show and they said, and then there's mob, because they used to say, and then there's Tom, and my God, that really builds you, and we were, I was driving the car and my father was having a beer, he wasn't drunk by any means, and I would run out of pop and he said, would you like a soft drink, a pop? And I said, no, I said, we've run out, he said, would you like a bottle of beer? Now, that was a turning point in my life because I was conditioned, and many of us are, we're conditioned to believe certain things, nobody in my home ever said that there was a direct relationship between masculinity and drinking whiskey, nobody in my home ever said that your willpower, backbone, and ability to stand up and be a man was measured by ounces, but that's the message that came through, if you can't drink, you're not a man. Now, we get this message, and you're built like me, you know, you're not saying that, you know, you figure, well, I guess they figure I'm ready to go now, and I did, straight to hell, you know, there's a, you know, how many of us believe this? I was, grew up conditioned to believe there's a direct relationship between masculinity and drinking whiskey, Shakespeare wrote about that, I think he was a wino too, have you ever read Shakespeare?
He was a dingy, he wrote about wine the way nobody in the world writes about wine, and he wrote about wine and sex, and he said, wine provoketh the desire and retardeth the performance,
[00:35:00]
and you and I call it timing. Now, that does a lot for your masculinity out there, I went after, you know, about a three-day pursuit, what do you say, whoops? Well, I believe this, I believe that the more I drank, the better of a person I was, the better a man I was, my masculinity was measured in ounces, and since I've been in your hands, I've discovered, thanks be to God, that masculinity's never been measured in ounces, or inches, thank God, but at that time I did, and when my father, oh, you're nasty, I don't think you knew what I meant there, Bill did, I can see that.
Well, I'm sure as hell with the right gang, I'll tell you, I've never felt I didn't belong in this outfit, I will have a little drink. I got my watch out, Wes, don't mean a hell of a lot, but I got her out anyway. We were driving along country road, he said, pull over at the side, he said, would you like a bottle of beer, and instantly I thought, hey, he thinks I've arrived somewhere, I really believe, I thought it was a turning point in my maturity, and he gave me a bottle of beer, and he's sitting on that side of the car, my father was six foot three and a half, four, two hundred and fifty, sixty pounds, great big man, as I said, successful, dynamic, quite a guy, he was bald as an eagle, and bald is beautiful, as you well know, and just a hell of a guy, except there was nothing there between us, I was afraid of him, he intimidated me, I was fourteen years old, felt like I was playing second fiddle to my father, and of course at fourteen, that's what the hell you're supposed to be playing, you know, but we're rebels, and we don't do that real good, so, he gave me a bottle of beer, and he's sitting on that side of the car with his feet out, and I'm on this side, and I took a sip of the first beer of my life, why I waited to fourteen, I'll never know, there's always been booze in our home, there still is, my, the rest of my family, my cousins, my mother has a drink every night of her life before dinner, enjoys it, it's not a problem with them, they drink like social drinkers, or idiots, or whatever, sometimes they get drunk, and I found out that we don't have the insane, the patent rights on stupid behavior under the influence of alcohol, some of my social drinking relatives have done some things I wouldn't be caught dead doing, you know, and then they get well, and I took a drink of beer, and I thought, God, what are they seeing that, and I took another sip, and in spite of the taste, I began to find out, because boy, it starts going down, and you know, just as Clancy talked about last night, and I drank the first bottle of beer down, and I stole the second drink of my life, now, I don't know whether you're an instant alcoholic, but my God, you're an instant bandit, there's larceny from the first drink, right out from under his nose, and he was a crafty old bird, and I drank the second down, and I begin to feel what it is we're all here for, God, it was good, me, the sun was brighter, and I was better, and I got up around the car, walked around to talk to my father, now, I'm 5'10", give or take, he's 6'3", but after the first two beers of my life, I got up, walked around the car, looked at my daddy, and a wonderful thing had happened to him, he had shrunk, I looked at him and thought, now, what the hell have I been worrying about you for all this time, you don't look so mean, or so smart, or so tough, or so intelligent, and I proceeded to tell him so, and that was my first mistake as a practicing alcoholic, but it was also the first discovery, if you make the discovery first and the mistake second, you're in, and then I did a love what Clarence said last night about thinking, I agree, don't ever think when you're drinking, that's signed in the club room, think, think, think, that's after you get here, but if you're an alcoholic and you're thinking, you ain't gonna make it, and I just told that old boy off, and he didn't say a word, but he looked at me a little funny, you know, as if to say, geez, I think he's coming unwrapped here, you know, and we went home and went to bed, and he didn't say anything, he was an intelligent man, I got up the next morning and remembered, I got him now, and I went into the bedroom to finish the lecture, I thought of a few things I hadn't told him the day before, and he was still in bed, and he rolled over, and he stood up, and oh God, there he was again, and I thought, now what the hell's gone wrong, and then I believe it's old Chuck Cox about the keen alcoholic mind, I started
[00:40:05]
thinking again, now yesterday I could handle that old boy, and today I can't, what's the difference between then and now, the answer was two beers, ran downstairs, had two beers, came up down, he came, and I finished the lecture, and I got thinking again, and that's bad, but by God, if that'll handle father, it'll handle mother, because at 14, she gives you a little action on occasion, it'll handle girls and boys, and preachers and teachers, and conditions and circumstances, and of course it does, it takes the rough edges off of life, allows you to be what you want to be, and just lets you soar a little, God, it was the thing I'd been looking for, when I drank two or three, I didn't stutter, I could talk when I didn't drink, and the next Friday night or month, I'm back at the high school dance, and I'm up against the wall, and I still can't move, I'm standing there again, my shoes glued to the floor, and I smile on my face, and I, oh God, I wanted to be in there where you were so bad, I could taste it, but I couldn't move, because you would say, no thank you, no, no, get away, and the guy came back, said how you doing Thomas, I said fine, so did you like a little drink, he said yes, went out the car, had a drink or two, whatever he drank, came back in, right in the middle of the dance floor, well, I got her, got me another key, that stuff will work there too, so you start to broaden it out, but there's a thing about alcoholism, to the alcoholic, alcohol to the alcoholic is an addictive drug, it's not an addictive drug to my mother, to my cousins, and my aunts, and uncles, and all them dingy friends of mine, it's an addictive drug to Tom, and at the age of 14, it took two beers to get my father down, where I could handle that old boy, at 16, it took 10 beers, at 18, it took a quart and a half, and at 19, I was diagnosed by some idiot doctor in my town as a chronic alcoholic, and I told him that I was horrified at the sad state that the medical profession had sunk to, that it became very apparent to me that you should go back, I recommended another medical school, because it was apparent he hadn't learned a hell of a lot where he was, imagine calling me a chronic alcoholic, I don't know what that is, to this day, I don't know, what's a chronic alcoholic, Larry, I don't know what the hell it is, you know, I've got sober two days before I went to see him, so they wouldn't know, but some stew pigeon, some spy, had phoned him, and he said you're a chronic alcoholic, well, I told him the name of the medical school, I got that look that drunks get when you first suggest they're drinking too much, what, oh god, we can do that, can't we better than anybody in the world, how dare you, me, don't you know who I am, he said yes, but what's more important, I know what you are, and I told him what he could do with his practice, and he said he couldn't do that, that was a physical impossibility, and I've always felt that we could have worked something out, or in, or something, and I set out at 18, 19 to prove that he was wrong, alcoholics are the only drinkers in the world that prove anything, I never met a social drinker trying to prove they're a social drinker, it's only us trying to prove we ain't, you know, ever met any social drinkers trying to get in here, the rest of my family don't say to me, do you think I should go to, they don't say that, they drink socially, have you watched those social drinkers, I'm getting a little tired of being studied, as you are, god, they're spending millions of dollars studying us, and you, have you seen the people that are studying us, oh jesus, they, they look like fish, they should never let them out in the public, and they're studying us, so I am studying them, and I'm studying social drinkers, and I live in a hotel most of the time, there's Willie again, he's got a contract to walk back and forth, and I watch these salesmen come in, and I'll tell you, these social drinkers really need help, they come in, and they get on the phone, and they phone a few buddies, and they say, hey, come on down to my room, we'll have a drink or two before dinner, and down they gather, and they have two or three bottles on the dresser, and out of the wrapper, they Out of the wrapper. They took them out of the bag.
I've never really felt the necessity to do that. I didn't care what the hell it looked like.
[00:45:03]
And these guys come in and they go and get three buckets of ice and a glass like as big as two of those and they put about 16 ice cubes and about an ounce and a half of booze and then fill it up with something frightful and they sit there and wait till the ice melts before they drink it and they talk about mundane things like work and they have two or three of those but what the guy does you see he puts the glasses out and then he screws the top off the bottle and he pours the drink and do you know what he does then he screws her back on. I stood in the hall fascinated trying to figure out now why would he do that and I stood there all night and all he did was screw the top on and off a bottle you know you and I never did that unless we were going to co-carry it somewhere we never needed it when it came off throw away and they have two or three drinks and he says this dingbat he said would you guys like another drink before dinner and you know what one of them said no thank you and the next guy said he was sicker he said I think I've had enough and then there was a guy in frightful shape I pray for him every night do you know this idiot said he said let's save some for tomorrow holy jake oh bad bad and they're studying us god love them hell we were working a 24-hour day program long before we ever got to Alcoholics Anonymous but I studied them my mother's a great example of a social drinker reversing the intake have you noticed this the breaking tolerance that you and I get we just keep going my mother's 82 she's always enjoyed a drink behind her life she loves good scotch she's always every night before dinner for many years has had about oh a couple ice cubes two ounces of scotch it'll take her an hour to drink this just a little water she loves a drink and she enjoys the taste in the last couple of years I've noticed something she will now go and pour herself a drink before dinner and she'll just cover the bottom of the glass barely she'll pour about maybe half an ounce and she'll put about that much water in it's the most awful looking thing you ever saw now I know what she's doing and she doesn't even know she's done this social drinkers will do this you know as they get older or they have a physical impairment they will automatically cut back their intake and they won't even be aware of it you know and I nearly blew it out the window the first time I noticed it I nearly I think you don't do this at home you nearly say mother you're not drinking as much I'd have lost two years of free meals if I didn't but you see she doesn't know she's doing it if she drank the same drink today that she drank for 50 years she'd eat every night half in the bag she just knows that she can't take that much and it's never dawned on her and she just automatically pulls it back social drinkers do this they don't have any problem it's not a big deal the older you and I get the more we drink it must be it should be four instead of two social drinkers know it's supposed to be a half instead of two we double it they half it and that's the difference you see so I set out to prove and I tried geography I got on a train went to Vancouver to quit drinking with a case of scotch I got off the train in Calgary went across in the pub and met all the fellas coming from Vancouver going to Winnipeg to quit drinking and we got drunk together and discussed it nobody cooperated in Vancouver so I went to Seattle and San Francisco and Los Angeles and Phoenix and Fort Worth and Dallas and Houston New Orleans always wound up in New Orleans I don't know why no matter where I would head east and head up and wind up there it was a nice place to drink you can get lost as you know there you can drink in the French Quarter you're not on skid row you're a tourist attraction you're on Camp Street you're on skid row but on bourbon hell they said there's another one well God something was happening to me something was happening to me inside that I wasn't consciously aware of I was taking more and more to get less and less there's a reversal of this process of tolerance that you and I understand but don't know that's what it is and all of a
[00:50:00]
sudden it didn't take two beers four beers six beers it took the first couple would do it and then I'd keep drinking again I'd be drunk in two or three drinks and then I'd keep going and going and going the geography didn't work I missed New Orleans once wound up in Key West down Wetley's country you gotta wind up in Key West it's the end of the line and anyway the next set islands are called the Dry Tortugas and who the hell would go there anything with the word dry and it was not for me I was dying inside I didn't know what was the matter with me I couldn't stand life sober and I couldn't stand me any other way it's a hell of a thing it's a hell of a thing every time I got up in the morning I tore the hearts out of the people I loved and I agree with Mary and I agree with Clancy and Wes and everybody that says we didn't get drunk because we hated you we got drunk because we loved you and couldn't stand doing what we were doing God every time I got up in the morning and saw the look in their eyes and knew the night before I'd torn their hearts out by the roots the only way you and I know to handle that kind of pain is to take a little more of that tranquilizer a little more of that sauce and we know that'll get rid of the pain and in the process of getting rid of the pain we can't get take as much as we want so God we go and we do it again and again and again and again and then we run we run to get away from what we're doing to the people we love I wasn't running from responsibility I've never had any up to that point they wouldn't touch me with a 10-foot pole well my father did he made me a vice president of the company so he'd know where the hell I was and put a desk it I had a moving desk did you ever have one of those kept moving back originally went with the firm about 18 years old every day say who's that oh that's Tom he's the boss's son nice kid not for long they say who's that that's the boss's son and way later on I'm way back over by the coffee with my desk with my name on it they come in and say what's that see we're not sure but it ain't here much anyway things come across your desk to sign you notice they never let go of them the treasurers do that sign this I got a grip on it well there's not any other end of this couldn't understand they didn't trust me I think in the blackouts I thought that was part of the game I just thought when you drank you didn't remember that ain't a big deal you know I had car trouble too except I lived in a town with two streets in it and you phone the wrong Canadian mountain police say have you seen my car they say Tom you know God it's eight feet wide 16 feet long and five feet high and you lost it sure it wasn't your rubbers you lost no never had those but something going on inside us and people talk to me about backbone willpower and standing up and being a man and turning over new leaves and pulling up my socks and sin and salvation and outward manifestations of inward frustrations environmental disillusionment and psychological maladjustment and I would say absolutely and get drunk you don't have to tell me I'm a miserable sinner I know that if there's anything that we're authorities on it's sin I still think it needs a little research periodically my preacher relative said if you don't quit drinking you'll go to hell then I thought well whoop-dee-doo and then it dawned on me I'm already there what are you going to tell us about hell either the alcoholic or those who love us what are you going to tell us about hell to scare us my god we live in it every day every second of our life my concept of that place or condition is my concept of that place or condition is one of loneliness hopelessness fear and futility guilt and remorse and that's the way I lived and then I got to thinking maybe the only way in the world I can get this look out of the people's eyes is to get me out of their life if you've ever thought of suicide as a problem as way to cure your drinking problem then you're in the right meeting I have never met a social drinker who thought they ought to quit commit suicide because of drinking but we do and the fact that you know I love the drunks in AA who stand up and say I tried to commit suicide but it didn't work we say we've noticed yeah I used to say then we couldn't even do that successfully could we isn't that something but my family were bridge addicts they played bridge with a fanaticism I've always hated it it's been a thing with me because when I was a youngster growing up they would our dining room we would my father and father would say every now and then but once or twice
[00:55:01]
a week let's have Don and Betsy or Mary and Joe or Pete and blah blah blah and for a quiet evening of bridge and I'd start to tremble because in our home a quiet evening of bridge always wound up in World War II I'd wake up at two in the morning there'd be screaming and yelling and a flying of pans and things and language and it was it was awful I mean you made the wrong bid get out so my idea of bridge was it was a fight so I've never played it still don't know I came to AA and just haven't had the time