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Source: DICOBE-00099 – Bryant B – SPRINGTIME IN THE OZARKS – 1978-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00099-bryant-b-springtime-in-the-ozarks-1978-06-15.mp3 Duration: 01:24:50
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Good morning, everybody. I'm Virginia, and I am an alcoholic, and I wish you could see how beautiful you look from up here. I don't see how pretty you look. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. It's good to see all of you back this morning. I think you'll be in agreement with me that this has been a wonderful convention.
And I think I would like to take this opportunity to have Keith and Jody and Harlan stand up and let's give them a big hand. They've done a wonderful job. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the committee for asking me to be here this morning. Keith called March the 13th, about a month ago, in the morning. They called to wish me a happy AA birthday. It was my fourth year's birthday in AA.
And I thought, isn't that sweet of them to remember that early in the morning. You don't know what I have to put up with. They live right across the road from us. And he asked me if I was near a chair or in one. And I guess y'all would have to know me to really appreciate this or know what I was like before. And he said, we'd like for you to chair the Sunday morning meeting. And I stammered around and couldn't say anything.
And I think something came out sort of like, Keith, I can't do that. And he said, Virginia, if we thought you couldn't do it, we wouldn't have asked you. So Jody also said something that's so true. She said, God picked you for this. And this is the story of my life now, is I found out that I don't do anything. God does it for me. And I am so grateful. I haven't found it necessary to take a drink of alcohol since March 13th, 1974.
And for this I'm so grateful. I'm also in the same position that Wayne was the other day. He hadn't met the speaker. I just met Bryant night before last. But I did feel like I had just made a new friend. And I know you're just as eager as I am to hear what Bryant has to say this morning. And without any further ado from me, I would like to present my new friend and soon to be yours, Bryant B. from Dobson, North Carolina.
Thank you very much, Virginia, for those kind words. I do have a lot of friends here. I have a lot of people that told me this morning everything's going to be all right.
[00:05:03]
And you would think it would be all right with God on my side and a most attractive chairman here that Doyle loaned us for a while. You would think everything was going to be all right. But don't count on it. My name's Bryant Bibbins and I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God and because this program of Alcoholics Anonymous works in my life a day at a time, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink, nor have I taken a drink or any mood-altering drugs or tablets, we call them in North Carolina, since I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous.
That was Christmas Day of 1960. And for an alcoholic of my type to be allowed to stand here this morning and tell you my experience is an experience within itself because I don't know of many people who were in the condition of body and mind that I was in that's alive and has the mental capacity to tell you what it was like. So you know that God's working in my life. Through his grace I'm here and nothing, nothing of my own has happened.
You see, I was beyond human help. And my book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that no human power could relieve our alcoholism and I believe that and I have proof of it. A doctor, a surgeon came into my hospital room and he threw an object about the size of a silver dollar that was very hard and resembled a piece of leather on my bedside table. He said, have you any idea what this is? And I said, no sir.
He said, it's a portion of your liver. He said, I'm telling you today that between a half and almost two thirds of your liver is gone and I can't do anything else for you. A psychiatrist at Duke University Medical Center asked me to leave his office, not to return. And he said, I never have been able to help people of your type. In my professional opinion, you're hopeless. A preacher asked me out of his house.
He was praying for me. We were on our knees in his living room and I had a bottle of wine in my pocket and when I got up, the neck of the wine bottle was sticking out of the vent of my coat. He said, I never have seen anybody like you in my life. Get out. There's no hope for you. A judge that I'd known all my life, that had raised me practically. I was standing before him and he gave me an active sentence and he said, I've done everything that I can to try to help you.
I don't know anything else to do but give you this active sentence. People had thought that I was hopeless. And that's not too bad when people just think that because they don't carry the measuring stick of hopelessness. The measuring stick of hopelessness was within ourself. I had realized for some time in my life that it was hopeless. But one day I was given a ray of hope and I'm here today by that ray of hope and that's the grace of God through people like you.
And for this I'm grateful. I'm grateful that in North Carolina I came about in a group of Alcoholics Anonymous that didn't pussyfoot around. They told you the truth.
[00:10:00]
So many times now I'll go to our meetings and somebody will come in and they'll say I'm so uptight. And it sort of makes me like my sponsor used to get. He'd go straight up. Uptight wasn't one of our phrases then. I'd say I'm real nervous. And he said if you'll tell us what you're nervous about we can help you and if you don't tell us just keep being nervous. I'm grateful that I got it that way. There are a lot of things this morning that I have to be thankful for.
But I can't tell you about all of them because we don't have time. So I'm going to have to tell you a little bit about me. And the story about me was written a long time ago. It was written in the Bible. There was a man named Legion and his name was Legion because there were so many of him. So many people like him and his name was Legion and nobody could do anything with him. They would tie him up and they would isolate him and he'd always break his bonds and he'd break out.
And he was a nuisance in his community. And they said that he was hopeless until one day. One day a humble carpenter came by that had an answer for him. And he restored him to his right mind. He cast the evil spirits out of him and restored him to his right mind. And the people sat in amazement and wondered at what had happened to this man. And the man himself wondered and he said, I want to go with you.
I want to follow you every step of the way. And he said, No, I don't want you to do that. I want you to go back and show your people and show your people about this miracle that's happened in your life. And we could eliminate Legion from that story. And you'd have my story. You'd have my story. Someone asked me last night and said, What are you going to talk about? Today and it seems like everything has been covered.
And I said, The only thing I can talk about is the miracle that happened in my life. I'm not in competition with the other speakers. They were excellent and I love them. But there's another miracle that happened in my life and I'm to tell about it. I'm to tell about it this morning. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. Didn't want to be an alcoholic. No more than you did. I despised anything connected with alcohol because my daddy was an alcoholic.
The same as some other speakers that I've heard this weekend. My daddy was an alcoholic and I detested what it did for him. And I detested alcohol and I said it will never touch my lips. But some things developed in my life early. Prior to ever taking a drink of alcohol. Some character defects we call them and we'll talk about them now. There was a great deal of anxiety in my house. We never knew when my daddy was coming home.
If he was coming home. Who he was coming home with or what kind of condition he'd be in when he got there. So there was a great deal of anxiety early in my life. My daddy was a tobacco man. He was a very capable man of making money. A lot of money but I told you that he was an alcoholic. So he was more capable of spending it than he was making it. And a lot of times we came up short. I didn't understand why the other kids in the neighborhood could ride a rusty bike.
I could ride a new bike and I'd have to ride a rusty one. And my dad was making more money than theirs. And we'd come up short a lot of times. And this led to a great deal of frustration in my life. And there was a great deal of fear in my life. As far back as I can remember, that feeling of impending doom has possessed me until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and came to believe that God could remove those.
Fear, and it increased. As things happened to cause fear to increase, it increased in
[00:15:06]
my life. And these frustrations and anxieties and fears led to some resentments towards my daddy and towards other people. And my resentment grew. And I had another thing that was wrong with me, I think. I was a liar. The biggest liar that ever lived. I'm not talking about after I started drinking, I'm talking about when I was this tall. I'd tell a lie to make you look worse or me look better, whatever the occasion might be. And the more I practiced it, the better I got at it. So I had all of these things wrong with me prior to ever taking a drink. Plus, plus I had a feeling of inferiority. I knew that everybody, that all of my friends knew that my daddy had a drinking problem and I knew that they considered me less than themselves. And you know, this was my problem until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I always worried about what people thought. I always worried about what they thought. And most of the time they weren't even thinking about me, but I thought they were thinking about me. And I worried about it. I told my mother-in-law I had an inferiority complex. She said, no, you are inferior, period. And she meant it. And step nine still hasn't changed a thing in her life either. But I had all of these things wrong with me. Had all of these things bothering me and I withdrew from people and I didn't seem to fit anywhere. I didn't seem to fit anywhere. I would go with this group over here and this is where I want to be with this group. And I'd get there and I'd realize just a short while after I was in the wrong place, I'd rather be over here. And so I never was satisfied. Had all these things wrong with me. So I didn't have a chance to be anything but an alcoholic. If you look at it, I really didn't have a choice. And some people say they drink themselves into alcoholism. Some say they inherit it. Some say it's environmental or whatever it is. But I like to describe mine as an instant alcoholic. Instant alcoholic, about like instant potatoes. You know, they ain't much sitting there on the shelf in a box. They just sitting there. But when you add some beverage to it, things start happening. And that's what happened to me. I started not to go to this party I was invited to. Some fellas that I knew invited me and I said, I won't have a good time. There's no need for me to go.
And there's no need for you to go if you made up your mind you're not gonna have a good time. Still isn't. But I changed my mind. I changed my mind. I said I'm going and find out what it's all about. And they had some blackberry wine. Never had experimented before. But they poured me about this much blackberry wine and I drank it. And before it went around, I had this much more. And then things started happening. I wasn't afraid anymore. I was brave. I wasn't bashful anymore. I could talk to the girls. I could do most anything. And I said I found the answer to my problem. I found an answer to my problem. And if two drinks can make you feel this good, well you know what I'm gonna say before I say it. If two drinks can make me feel this good, then four is gonna make me feel twice as good as that. And that's how I want to feel. But somewhere between two and four, I got into a lot of trouble. Because I couldn't get from how I was feeling to how I wanted to feel. I never could get that way. And I got drunk that night trying to get that way. And I got drunk every time after that. Every time after that trying to get that way, I was trying to get to feel like I wanted to feel. And I'd just be right right to the top of it and I'd take one more drink and I'd slip out. And I never did. I never did have that real feeling. And I woke up the next morning and
[00:20:04]
I was sick. I was sick. But that didn't seem to bother me. You see I had the mind of an alcoholic. Now then it happened to change this mind. First time I drank. And my first thoughts the next morning was not only not to leave this stuff alone, my first thought was there's got to be a way. There's got to be some mixture. There's got to be some amount. Because this is an answer for me. But I never did find it really. You know I started drinking as much as I could, as often as I could.
And every time I got drunk I just passed out somewhere. And that's not the way to drink. Everybody else, my friends, would say I've had a little too much to drink. I think I'll go home. Not me, I'd go to town. And it started out as fun and always end up with trouble. But that's the trouble with trouble. We don't have, you know, we can't recognize trouble because it always starts out as fun. I don't know of anybody that says I'm going out getting some trouble tonight.
Hmm. I'm going to have some fun tonight and end up as trouble. And I started having trouble early. And I started, you know, I didn't feel that, my mother wanted me to go to Duke University, worse than anything in the world. She wanted me to go to Duke. And when it came time for me to go to Duke, I tried it and I knew more than they did. Because I'd already found alcohol. And when you're about half drunk, nobody can tell you anything. And they couldn't tell me anything.
So I didn't, you know, I didn't make it. I didn't, my mother's desire, I didn't come true. But I thought that I was a little bit smarter than the average person. So I had to have a little talk with myself. I said, look, you got to do something. You're not drinking right. You're not handling this liquor. You're not doing it the right way. I see other people out there drinking it and you're not doing it. What you need to do, what you need to do is to get you some responsibility. I'm in my 20s at this time. No responsibility. I said, all you are is a work playboy. You don't have any responsibilities at all. And if you would get some responsibilities, if you'd get a family, this would give you less time to drink and more time to devote to your family.
And you can balance the scales and you can live a more rounded life. Now, if I was telling that to a civic club, you know, they'd nod their head, but I see you smiling. Responsibility is not my problem. My problem was I couldn't control alcohol. But I assume some responsibilities. I assume, so I got a wife. You know, that's one of the first things you have to do to get a family. You don't have to, but that's the best way.
Now, you know, I realized that we're going to cry a lot, laugh a little this morning, but you know, I got to keep you laughing because we had that dance last night and everybody's sitting up late and I got to keep about half of you laughing so we can keep the others awake. When I first moved up in the mountains, I live up in close to Manor in North Carolina, a little town of Dobson. You don't know where it is, but Andy Griffith calls it Mayberry.
It's very similar, very similar to this area in here, it's mountainous. And we were going up the mountain one day and this guy was in a truck in front of us and every once in a while he'd reach out the side with a long stick and start beating on that truck going up the mountain. And I never did figure out what was wrong and finally he got up to the top and he stopped. And we stopped too and I went around and I said, man, let me ask you a question. What do you keep reaching around and beating the side of that truck for? He said, well, I'll tell you brother, he said, I've got a two ton truck here and it's got, I got four tons of chickens on there. And if I don't keep half of them flying, I'm in trouble. So if we don't keep half of you laughing, we're going to be in trouble.
But I went to get, I met this girl and we were married and this is the first time anybody
[00:25:03]
ever put the thing on my drinking. I went to our family physician and I told him what I wanted. He said, come on in, have a seat, I'll be with you in just a minute. He was gone five minutes, he came back and he started talking to me about alcoholism, about a farm by alcoholics that he'd opened out on the edge of town and how many people he was treating. And I said, well, he's got, the man's gone crazy. He's getting a little senile. I'll just be patient with him. Finally he got around to tell me what he wanted to tell me. It was about my drinking. He said, I've observed your drinking habits and patterns over the past few months. And I'm of the opinion that you are definitely a problem drinker. And in the early stages of alcoholism, you're a young man and this is a progressive illness. And if you can stop now, you've got many productive years ahead of you.
But if you don't stop, I can't promise you much. And being of resentful nature, I resented that. And I told him if he'd kindly give me that little piece of paper that I came in there for, that I would be on my way. And if I ever needed him, I'd call him. Real smart like. And I did. I called him. I got married. And I like to say that's the only time in my life I ever did any controlled drinking was, you know, right after I got married, I didn't drink anything but beer. Awful lot of it.
But I didn't drink anything but beer. But you know how that is. I don't have to tell you. It doesn't satisfy. Beer's not fast enough for me. And I want something to get on down there and get it and get the job done. I don't like to wait two and a half hours for a feeling to hit me. You know, I want you to come on now. And it didn't satisfy, so I was back on the hard stuff and I was back in the rat race that I never had been out of.
And it seemed to concern everybody in my life. I don't know whether you've ever had that problem or not. But one time, at one time, it looked like everybody wanted me to stop drinking. Everybody seemed to mention it to me. I'd go to work and my boss would say, why don't you quit? And I'd get mad and go home and my wife would say, why don't you quit? And I'd get mad at her and go to my mother's and she'd want me to quit. And then I'd get mad at her and go to the bar and they wouldn't sell me any. When you got money in your pocket, when an alcoholic's got money in his pocket and they won't sell him, that's a direct insult. I don't know much, much worse than you could do. I even went in a public restroom and a guy that I've never seen before in my life said, man, you need to get off that booze. You're in bad shape.
So maybe if it was this obvious to a total stranger, perhaps I was having a bit of a problem with it. But I didn't quit because I had a problem. I quit because they wanted me to quit. All this pressure on me and so finally one day I just said, well, by God, I'll quit. I'll quit if it means all that much to everybody. I'll quit. Now this was on Monday and I didn't have any liquor. That's a good time to quit.
And keep in mind, I never had tried to quit before. Now I'd been drinking eight years and I don't mean I was falling down drunk every day, but I had just not had run out of gas for eight years. I just kept going. I was clinically drunk, I guess, eight years. I could have got up in the morning most of the time and blew you a 15 on the breathalyzer after sleeping all night. But those of you who have tried to quit before know that if you quit, it's a little more to it than Monday. But I didn't know that. I was dumb.
And as Monday grew long, I grew shakier. And when my wife got home from work, even though I was vibrating, I wasn't shaking anymore. And I asked her to call this doctor that I'd insulted and she said she wasn't going to do it. I said, well, dial the phone so I can talk to him then. And she called him in and I apologized to somebody for the first time in my life. Don't believe I'd apologize to him then if I hadn't needed him. But I apologized to him and I said, if you'll come over to my house right away, I need some treatment. So he came over and gave me a shot that night and carried me out to the funny farm the next day to dry out.
To dry out. Now, we could really get into a long story if we talk about the drying out places,
[00:30:01]
but I won't talk to you about those. I'll make it short. Prior to 1960, I went to everything that was open to dry out at least once. Most of them didn't want me, but one time. But some of them, some of them took me back two or three times to make a long story short as long as anybody got me sober, I got drunk again. I never did assume the responsibility of my sobriety. I always left that up to somebody else.
Always left that up to somebody else. And, you know, I think this is maybe the problem with a lot of people today. They're letting other people assume the responsibility for their sobriety. And the bad part about it is we're accepting that responsibility. We are accepting that responsibility and we're not allowing them to get sick enough. We're playing God's what we're doing. My book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me they must suffer.
There's a certain amount of suffering that has to be done. But I went to all the places. I started out really in some of the more fluency establishments. High on price. And I met some remarkable people. I listened to every word they said. They fascinated me. These old men had been everywhere all over the world to sanitariums all over the world to sober up. And they'd tell some great tales and I listened to everything they said and I stayed drunk for seven more years.
Terrible. Terrible. The drying out places. Never did help me. Nobody could help me. I didn't want to quit drinking. I wanted to drink and not be sick. And I learned in the drying out places about pills. Tablets that you know you can't smell them. And that if you get the right one it'll do the same thing for his liquor will. So I got the right ones. Not the right one but the ones. And I got mixed up with that.
And I got mixed up with everything. And I'd wander around the streets with a pocket full of pills and I'd take pills and I'd drink every once in a while and nobody knew where I was. I had a bad habit of leaving home. I didn't go anywhere. Wasn't able to go anywhere ever. I just didn't ever come home. That was my problem. There's an old boy back home that wrote this proverb that says he that leaveth and returneth not stayeth gone for a long time.
I didn't go anywhere. I just stayed gone a long time. And they'd ask me, where you been? I said, I don't know. At one time I tried to think of places that I'd been and I knew it'd been a lifetime. I just said, I don't know. But they were concerned about me. And they started having the law enforcement officers look for me and finally found me and committed me to our state hospital. Everybody calls it Dick's Hill.
And those of you who've heard Dave Sieve from Raleigh, North Carolina knows about Dick's Hill. Everybody calls it Dick's Hill. They've been there one time and then they call it state hospital. It sounds a little better than Dick's Hill. But it's asylum is what it is in case you were wondering. And it was right where I was supposed to be. It was right where I was supposed to be. And I'm going to end my drinking here in just a minute because I don't want to stay drunk too long.
I don't want to tell you about getting sober and stuff like that. But I went to the state hospital. Committed to the state hospital. And at that particular time they had an anti-abuse program. Anti-abuse is fairly new. If you agreed to take anti-abuse, they let you go home after two weeks. You would not stay there 30 days. So I agreed to take anti-abuse. Anti-abuse called, came around, I raised my hand.
And I'd been playing some games with them. The psychiatrist there. And the group therapist there. They'd ask me a question and I'd give them an opposite answer. One that didn't really make sense. And they would sit there and stare at me for a few minutes. And I'd go out and sit in the hallway the rest of the day gloating
[00:35:01]
over how I'd screwed up their thinking. And this went on for a few days. And I agreed to take anti-abuse. And they said, no, we don't believe you're a fit subject for anti-abuse. Next week I volunteered again and they still wouldn't give it to me. I said, to heck with it. I'm going home next week. My time's up. And I had my clothes packed. They said, where are you going? I said, I'm going home. They said, we won't talk to you in the office.
We went in and this commitment, this commitment was a special type of commitment. It was 30 days was a minimum stay. 180 days was a maximum stay. And my release from this institution was dependent and contended upon approval by the staff. The ones that I'd been playing games with. So I had another talk with myself. I said, Seth, you better say something or you better do something or you're going to be here a long time.
I went in and told them. I said, look, I've been pulling your leg. They said, we know that, but we're glad you know it. I started saying some of the things they wanted to hear and they started talking about discharging me. And I was discharged, you know, a little bit late, but I was discharged. But I think about that now and I can still be down there talking like that. That's what they have places for.
It's for people, you know, who just can't adjust on the outside. And I was one who couldn't. But when I got home from the asylum, my wife had learned something about Alcoholics Anonymous. She learned that there were some people that were staying sober and they were respectable, decent people and she called them to see me. And they came over and I knew one of them and I said, Old Ham has learned how to drink.
This sure is a devil. I knew that there wasn't no way he could quit. So I said, yeah, I'll go with you to some meetings. I'll go with you to some meetings. I was going to learn how to drink and not be sick. I was going for my wife's nerves. They say you get what you come for. If you come to get a job, you might get a job. If you come to get your wife off your back, that'll happen. Or if you come to stay sober, you can stay sober.
I was coming for her nerves. Her nerves got better. I didn't get any better. She did. But I went to that meeting and the people were nice. They were very friendly. They impressed me very much until they started talking about sobriety. I said, wait a minute. One fellow was talking about he'd been sober six months. I didn't believe that. Another one said he'd been sober three years and hoped that he'd stay sober a day at a time the rest of his life and almost threw up.
As soon as I got there, I started looking around the room for excuses to get out. I started looking around the room and I saw some bald heads like Neil there. I said, wait a minute. I'm 25 and a half years old. I've got no business being in here. These are a bunch of old people and I don't need to be here. I looked around. There was another man there that I'd known. At one time, he was one of the sharpest guys I've ever met in my life.
Mentally, he was just like that. Alcohol had dulled his reflexes and he'd had a little bit of brain damage. I said, I'm not like that. I don't have any brain damage. Didn't take into consideration he'd been sober four years at that time, but he had some brain damage and I held that against him. There was some winos there, Joe. And I said, certainly I have not been down on the other side of the tracks drinking that stuff with those fellows.
And it wasn't until I was down on the other side of the tracks drinking that stuff that I knew what my problem was that night that I was at that evening. It still took four meetings for me to get away from there. I swear that was the hardest place to get away from I'd ever seen in my life. Those people were nice to me. And I had to recognize that fact. I had to recognize that fact. And they told me, and they didn't try to tell me to quit drinking.
They didn't try to tell me that I was or was not an alcoholic. They told me exactly what that book said. They said, if you don't think you're an alcoholic, then go out and drink some and try to control the amount you drink. And if you can't control it, then you're probably an alcoholic. And if you are an alcoholic, you are suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer. And when you are ready for a spiritual experience to help you conquer your illness,
[00:40:00]
you come back to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what they told me. They told me that I could come back, and they told me some conditions that I could come back under. And I thank God for it. They told me that I didn't have to go to the extent that some of them had. They explained to me about the progressiveness of the illness of alcoholism. They explained it to me, and I understood their words, but it didn't apply to me.
They did not leave any stones unturned. They planted the seed. And I went out and drank five and a half more years. And the only way I can describe it, it was total hell. Everything seemed to disintegrate right in front of my eyes, and I couldn't do anything about it. Everything that I'd worked for, everything that I'd hoped for, everything that I'd dreamed of, was gone. And I couldn't understand it.
I couldn't understand the power of alcohol. I would find myself doing things that I said I'd never do. That's the power of alcohol. Doing things that I said I'd never do. And that's not the strange part about it. The next night I was back there doing the same thing. And the second time I didn't mind it as bad as the first, and pretty soon it became a way of life for me. I started sacrificing principles that were taught to me by my grandfather as a child.
I started sacrificing principles. And when you drop your guard, and you start sacrificing one principle in your life, then it's much easier to sacrifice that second principle. I found it that way. And soon I had no principles to live by. And when you have no principles to live by, nothing matters. And it's not much of a life, my friends, I'll tell you. No, I have no quarrel. We deal with alcohol cunning and baffling and powerful.
It's controlled my life this manner, just the way that it endures. And I had friends come up to me on the street. I was panhandling. Friends that I'd been in business with, friends that I'd been in civic clubs with, they said, you don't have to live this way. And I'd turn away, and I'd say, there's no other way for me. They recognized hopelessness, but I had not. It was Christmas of 1960, and I didn't know it.
I hadn't known anything for a pretty good while. I shared a room with several men. You can call them men for lack of sleeping on top of one another. You slept with your shoes on, with nuts, hard nuts tied on them to keep somebody from getting them. This was the type of hotel that we were staying in, and you'd work about every five days. If there were five of us, I'd go out and work every fifth day to get enough for us to drink that day.
And if I didn't get enough, I didn't come back. You didn't come back to situations like that. But I was rapidly running out of this situation because two of the fellows died of acute alcoholism, and two others left because they couldn't stand me. And I was left this Christmas. And I had a pint of vodka. I don't know where I got it. I don't know how I got it. I didn't buy it. That's the only thing I know.
I didn't have any money. I could have stolen it. I don't know what I did. I always did have an obsession to jump through a plate glass window at the liquor store close to where I live, to jump through that window and get all the liquor I could carry and run off. That's what I wanted to do, but I know I didn't do that because I wasn't able to run. But I had a pint of hundred-proof vodka, and I drank a third of it, and I said, this is going to get it.
This is going to do the job. It's going to be gone in a few minutes. I felt terrible that morning. I had an uneasy feeling. That, too, is not a proper adjective, but nevertheless, you know what I mean. Adjective, but nevertheless, you know how I felt, I don't have to explain it to you, you know how I felt, and I knew that the only friend I had in the world was that bottle, and I turned the bottle and drank a third of it and it didn't do nothing, I got worse, I said I didn't get enough, I drank another third, and I said this will do it, but it got worse, I finished it off,
[00:45:20]
and I got worse, and I panicked, I panicked, the only thing I had in the world that I could depend on was taken away from me, no longer did it have any power in my life, no longer was it doing a job, and I did just the same thing as you did, wherever you were, whenever this happened to you, I panicked, and when I panicked, I did the only thing I knew to do, I fell to my knees, on that floor, on skid row, and I said God if you'll give me one more chance, I bargained with God before, I'd used something like a real estate transaction, ten dollars and other considerations, you do this to me and I'll do that for you, but I didn't have any bargaining power left, and I said God I understand you take people like me, so take what's left, that was Christmas day of 1960, and God answered that prayer because I haven't had a drink since then, this is where the miracle of sobriety started, I went to a place called Damascus home, don't forget that name, it's coming up again in a minute, not the way you think it's coming up, but it's coming up, I went to Damascus home, Damascus home was a free ride, it was also non-medical, and I'd been accustomed to going to the dry net place and they'd give you a dose of Praline every four or five hours and say this is going to help you out Mr. Bivins, or they'd pour you a drink every three or four hours and say this is going to help, or they'd give you a handful of pills, or a shot, and say we're going to make it easy for you, Damascus didn't say that, they said we're going to help you, and the guys sat on top of me and they gave me pink Aspirin and Dilantin Sodium and I got just as sober there as I ever did anywhere else, and this old fella in my group says it took that time, that don't mean I got well right away, I won't tell you that, it took me a week, I'll tell you the condition of body and mind that I was in, it took me a week to fill out an application because I couldn't remember my mother's name, so you know that's the shape that I was in, I went through all the DTs, I went through the convulsions, I went through the whole route, and when I woke up after 12 or 13 days I can't remember which, I came to one morning and I had a clear thought, now heretofore every time I came through this withdrawal thing and came off of a drunk, my first clear thought was this, I got to get back to work, I got to get a pile of money this tall to pay off the bills that I owe, I got to get my wife back, I got to get my home out of hock, I got to do this, but this time the first clear thought that came to my mind was how sick I'd been, I said you've been sick old buddy, you've been sick and you don't want to be like this no more, the second clear thought that came through my mind was the people of Alcoholics Anonymous, how good they'd been to me, how nice they'd been to me, and I could see that they were sober, and I said God if you give me strength I'll go back there, and I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous under different circumstances, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous from that treatment facility, I went back looking for something, looking for something, there's a great deal of difference, and going and looking for something, I know that it's necessary and I know that it's vital for us to go to meetings, and we can go to as many meetings as we want to, but if you don't learn anything, if you're not looking for anything, I can't see much need of going, I mean to be frank with you, coffee is too high, heat costs too much, and if you're not looking for something, I just don't see a need to go, I went, and those people that night, they started describing some of the conditions that follow withdrawal from alcohol, and I listened closely to them, one fellow told me about these anxiety attacks that he had, another told me about his restlessness, another told me that he'd wake up in the middle of the night, perspiring, worried, afraid, and not knowing what was wrong, and I listened close to him because I expected to feel like that that night, and I said, what do you do, he said, you do the best you can,
[00:50:21]
he said, you do the best you can, he said, if you can't sleep, get up and walk around until you get tired and you'll sleep, if you're able to read, read the big book, he said, if you feel all that bad, before you take a drink, you can call somebody, there's a lot of things you can do, but you've got to do the best you can, and in times like that, you don't have anybody much to do anything for you, you've got to depend on a power greater than yourself, I'm glad he didn't tell me to take 2 Libra, I would have gone home and took them, I'm glad he told me just like it was, and I said, what happens to you, he said, these things get farther apart, and I accepted that, and I started out of the meeting that night and a little lady stopped me, and she said, we were glad to have you tonight, and we want you to come back, man, that did something for me, been a long time since anybody wanted me or wanted me to come back, but she said it in one sentence, and she meant it, because I could tell by the look in her eyes, she didn't have any axes to grind, she didn't have anything to gain, she was giving me her love and her concern, but best of all, her expertise, because she'd been through the same thing that I had, she fixed me my first cup of AA coffee, and she said, I know you've got a lot of burdens on your shoulders tonight, I can tell by the look in your eyes, she said, but we don't work it like that in Alcoholics Anonymous, we want you to leave these burdens here with us, we want you to remember how sick you've been, we want you to remember the people that you've harmed, we want you to remember some of the sayings at this meeting, and go through life doing the best you can, and that's all that God expects of you or anybody else, a lot of truth in those few words there, but the only bad days that I've had since then is the day that I didn't do the best I could, and Martha was right, I miss Martha, she's gone, and there's been a Martha in your group, and everybody needs a Martha, because there's going to be plenty of Bryants coming through those doors, and don't you forget it, there's going to be always plenty of Bryants, but not many Marthas, and don't forget to be there, that's the least that I can do, is to stand there, and when a new one comes in, say, brother, you're in the right place, my sponsor.
My sponsor told me that's all I was capable of doing, and he said, you almost lost that app, and I was standing at the head of the steps one night, and a cab driver came in that used to haul me all over town, he came up the steps, and I started shaking hands with him, he said, wait a minute, I'm in the wrong place, I said, what do you mean, he said, I've come to a place to quit drinking, I said, you're in the right place, brother, I met my sponsor, I didn't ask him to be my sponsor, he didn't ask me to be my sponsor either, I got him the hard way, I was going to the meetings, and I wasn't learning anything, I was just sort of hanging loose, I was just following around, somebody would take off and I'd go, I was riding on the fellowship, you know, Joe and Charlie brought that out yesterday afternoon, and I was riding on the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I rode it for 18 months, no program for myself, the only thing I did was follow orders, the simple orders that they'd given me, go to the meetings, be there, present your body, and we can learn you, I'd present my body, I'd listen to a speaker, I'd say, wasn't he great, and I'd go outside and I couldn't remember anything he said, I just, you know, there was some gear stripped or something, I've always run about a quart low, but I believe I was about two quarts along about that time.
[00:55:02]
The most amazing thing that ever happened is how I stayed sober the first 18 months, this is amazing, even with a sponsor like I had, how I stayed sober I don't know, but the group started worrying about me and they assigned me a sponsor, that's the hard way to get one, and he called me up behind the podium one night and he said, I don't like this any better than you do, but they've asked me to be your sponsor.
And I was overwhelmed, the only thing I could say was, oh, and he said, you've been coming to our meetings for a few months now, you've been listening to our speakers, you've been eating our cake, drinking our coffee, and you don't even wash your ashtray or your cup, you don't put anything into the program, who do you think you are, are you a special character, are you more special than we are, you've got to start doing your part, you have got to start doing your part in Alcoholics Anonymous, he said, now I don't think you are mentally capable of doing a whole lot, at least you haven't proven it.
But you can get the ashtrays and empty them and take them back to the sink, you can get the cups and take them back there and wash them and get them clean, and I started washing cups that night, I could do that, I could clean up. Next week he told me, he said, I want you to work these steps, if you need any help, let me know. That was Tuesday, I came back Friday, I said, I'm through. He said, I don't want to listen to that.
I finally went through the motions of the steps, I had to, I didn't have anywhere else to go, I had to go through the motions of taking those steps, didn't put my heart into it. And the fifth chapter says, I have measures that avail us nothing, and avail me nothing, but I stayed sober, but I had a free ride in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was riding on your program, you were examples, you were happy, and I wanted to be like you, but I didn't put forth any effort.
I told my sponsor, I said, I've got to have my wife back in order to stay sober, he said, the book don't say that. That's the first time I ever really read the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it says wife or no wife. It says in my sobriety it was not dependent upon people, it was dependent upon my willingness to trust in God and clean house. And I still bugged him about it, I said, can I go see my wife, he said, no, N-A-W. I stayed sober a year. I was sober a year, I said, can I go see my wife, he said, no.
I said, what am I going to do with these Christmas presents I bought for my little girl, I'd done like any other self-respecting drunk, I'd gone down and opened some charge accounts and borrowed some money, and I was going to buy my little girl some love. And I had a bunch of presents. He said, I'll take you over there to the meeting. He said, I want to talk with you. He said, we're having your birthday Christmas Eve instead of Christmas night. We believe we can trust you another day. He said, signs, we ain't having a meeting on Christmas night.
And he said, I'll take you over there to deliver those presents. And he carried me over there. He had his family waiting at home for him, his children and his grandchildren. They were waiting for their granddaddy to come to a Christmas party. But he took time out to take this drunk, to take some presents over to her little girl, who said she didn't want them. And he told me he loved me and he carried me back home with him. And that hurt me. I cried tears that big when she said that.
She said, I don't want to see you and I don't love you. And he talked to me about patience on the way home. He said, son, she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand yet. And she's hurt. And you're going to have to give her time. You're going to have to be patient. And I was impatiently patient. sponsor said. Finally, after 18 months, I just gave up. I gave up trying to do things
[01:00:03]
my way. Now, I thought I'd done real well with the spiritual part of the program. I went to church every Sunday to express to God my appreciation for what he'd done for me. He'd given me life, and I was giving him an hour a week, what it amounted to. And my sponsor in the old times says, if you don't get that book down and start following directions, you're going to be in trouble. You're going to be drunk. You're trying to claim to be an authority on Alcoholics Anonymous right now. He said, we know, we hear you talk in here at the closed meetings, and you sound pretty good, but we know where you got it from. You got it over at Abingdon somewhere the week before. You heard somebody else say it. You don't have any opinions of your own. You're not applying anything in your life.
He said, so quit talking pretty and start doing a little something. He said, if you can't walk like you talk, you can't walk like you talk, he said, just keep your mouth shut. He said, I hear you at the meeting on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday night, I see you going in a card game down there. And he said, I want you to read that book and tell me which principle of Alcoholics Anonymous takes care of card playing and gambling. Which principle is it are you practicing? Which principle are you practicing when you tell me you want your wife back, and you go see this other girl? Which principle are you practicing there? And so I had to start on page one. I had to start at the doctor's opinion, and I appreciate Joe and Charlie bringing that out so much yesterday afternoon, because Dr. Silkworth, his opinion meant a lot to me. And it started my program of honesty. In his closing sentence in his letter of endorsement of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, here's a man that had a reputation. He had a reputation. His creditability, he was putting his neck on the block for people like me and you. And he said in a closing statement, you may rely absolutely on anything these people tell you about themselves. From me and you, brother, and I'd been lying. And I hadn't been doing, I had been misrepresenting the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had been telling people to come on in and quit drinking, and it's going to be all right.
And it ain't all right if you quit drinking, because you're taking something away from an alcoholic, and not replacing it with something. And that's the most cruel thing in the world, because I was totally dependent on alcohol, and most of us are totally dependent. So we don't have any dependency. So what do we do? We direct our dependency to something that we can see, and that happened to be you. And you happened to direct me to a higher power. I read about me in there. Read about what to do. I'd been working with a Greek boy, and I said I just wish he could read that. You know, the first time I was in the book, and this time I didn't worry about him, I was worrying about me. I was worrying about me, because I was feeling uneasy. 18 months sober, and I felt uneasy. I was irritable, I was restless, I was discontented, and I knew what the next step would have been. I knew what it would have been. I got down to the agnostic chapter, and I read about God as either everything, or he's nothing. He's all or he's nothing. He can do it all, or he'll do nothing. And I started looking realistically in my life, and I'd been using God as a garbage man.
I'd get it up once a week and said, here it is. Come and get it. But today I know that God wants to hear from me when things are doing well. He wants me to say, God, thank you, because these things are working out beautifully. He wants to hear from me then. And I'd been using him for a spare tire rather than a steering wheel. So I made a decision, a daily decision, to turn my will in my life over to the
[01:05:01]
care of God as I understood him. The desire to drink left. The ability to fight seemed to leave, and my book says I have to quit fighting anything or anybody. And it left me. A feeling of well-being after working these steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, a feeling of well-being came over me. And it's still with me today, and thank God it hasn't left. It hasn't left. I've got some things going for me today. My desire to stay sober is stronger than it was that Christmas day of 1960. My desire to stay sober grows every day of my life because I have something to lose now. I didn't have anything to lose then, nothing at all. But today I've got an awful lot to lose, and I have to maintain, I have to maintain my spiritual life, and that desire for better things has to come. It has to come. When I started working this program of Alcoholics Anonymous, some of the things that I wanted out of life started happening. Some of the things, I listen to speakers talking, they tell about the friends benefit, I said I'd like to have some of them. I'd like to have some of those friends benefits, but there's one thing about friends benefits we have to work for. And I wasn't willing to work. I wasn't willing to put in any effort. But when I started putting in any effort, when I start putting in an effort to Alcoholics Anonymous, the more I put in, the more I receive. And this book turned things around for me. And I agree with Dr. Bob. He said if you think you're an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride, it'll keep you from what's accepted in that book, I feel sorry for you. Because it's truth in there. It's truth in there, and I had put a lot of my truth on some of these yo-yos coming through town, talking. You know, you don't have to put a lot of dependence on what I say. Not a lot on what I say. If it's in that book, you can depend on it, and I happen to say it, you can depend on it. But these guys coming through said, take it like a cafeteria. Take what you want, and I did that. And I got miserable. I took the easy part. I took the easy part. I listened to the guys that said, the one that got up the earliest this morning has been sober the longest. That's a lie. I don't know whether you said it or not, but I don't believe it. Usually those that say that doesn't have a birthday coming, or they just had a slip. And they make a practice of getting up at 4 o'clock in the morning. But I sleep late, and I've been sober 17 years, and a little bit over. This guy back home, my group, says, you know, you make me sick giving your sobriety date. You're sober a day at a time just like the rest of us. And he said, I'm getting tired of hearing you say your sobriety date. So the next time I got up, I said, my name's Brian, and I'm an alcoholic, and I've been sober as long as I can remember. And that tore him up. But the book says we're going to be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. And I knew these things. They started coming to me. They started coming to me. And, you know, there were some things in my life that I wanted to push out. I wanted to push into the background. And I never wanted them to see the light of day again, just like the book says. It don't say that on 83 and 84. It says we're going to find out how our experience can benefit others. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. And I left my past open as an open book to anybody that wanted to look at it. And I gave my past and my present and my future to God, and he so richly blessed me. And I want to close by telling you some of these things. I wanted to close my eyes, and I wanted to close the past to that day that I walked away from my child crying. I wanted to forget that, even though she had pretty much accepted the illness of alcoholism. I wanted to forget about that, but I didn't. I let my life become an open book to her. And when she graduated from high school, she graduated with honors. And I went for a graduation, and I told her, I said, honey, in spite of how I did, in spite of my life, I want you to know that your daddy is proud of you. She said, daddy, don't sell yourself short. If I had to choose to be like anybody in the world, I'd want to be like you today. Man, let me tell you, money can't buy that.
[01:10:15]
But God took a disappointment in my life and blessed me, and that's a blessing. I stood before that judge that time, and I cried tears as big then, and he was crying too because he didn't know what to do with me. A kind gentleman. And he gave me an active sentence, and I hated his guts. I regretted every day, and I despised every day I was there. And I swore I'd get even with him, and you said, you said that I had to go to him, whether I was right or wrong, I had to go to him.
And I went to him, and I said, your honor, I want you to know that you did what you had to do, and I want you to know that I don't have any hard feelings. I want you to know that perhaps I learned a lesson from it, and I appreciate everything that you've ever done for me. Three weeks after that, he called me in to open court. There were three or four hundred people there. There were five men sitting on the front row. They didn't look good. They didn't smell good. They didn't feel good either. They'd been in the drunk tank all night.
And he introduced me, and he said, had these five men to stand up, he said, gentlemen, at one time, this gentleman here was in the same condition that you are now today. He's one of our most respected, beloved citizens, and if you'd like to be discharged in his custody, I'll allow this to be done. Two of those guys had been sober thirteen and a half years, but tell me what matters. What mattered to me was everything was all right between the judge and I. And I stood there again, and I recognized God's grace and His power at work again in my life. He took another disaster in my life, and He made a blessing out of it.
The preacher that prayed for me, I spoke at his church one Sunday morning. He introduced me as a miracle, and he said that he loved me, and he introduced me as his brother. And I stood in that pulpit, and I cried that morning because I knew that God had took another, had took another valley in my life, and had made a mountaintop experience out of it. Another blessing. I was lonely, and I went to see my wife. My sponsor told me that I could go. He said, call me right after you talk with her. And she let me know in no uncertain terms that she had no idea of ever living with me again. She said, I hope you stay sober. I wish that you stay sober, but I have no idea of ever living with you again.
I called my sponsor. My sponsor said, come on home, son, you'll get another one. And I did. I met an alcoholic synonymous. And we share this program together. We apply it in our bad times. Any fool can make it when the going's good. Anybody can do that. But when times get tough, we try to apply this program in our life. And it's so meaningful. And we share many experiences together. And I wouldn't trade her for anybody in the world. We have our ups and downs. I guess we do about as well as any two going through the change of life at the same time that I know of.
But God took a situation that seemed to be hopeless in my life. He took a situation that seemed to be hopeless, and he blessed it and gave it to me. Another blessing, another, and another. This psychiatrist that ran me out of his office now refers people to our facility. And he said, they've got an answer for you there. He refers them to Alcoholics Anonymous. He believes in the miracle. He doesn't believe that I'm still sober. He said, I still can't believe that.
But he believes that a miracle can be worked in people's lives. So many things have changed. So many things have changed. And I enjoyed this program for a while. And I enjoyed this program for a while, and then that feeling of uneasiness came back. The feeling of uneasiness came back. I'd been blessed again. I went back to Damascus home. And I remembered, when I was there as a patient, I used to walk those grounds and cry.
[01:15:03]
And I said, this is the end of the world for me. This is the most God-awful place I've ever seen. And then I found something, and it started meaning something to me. Twelve years ago, I went back as superintendent of Damascus home. God, it took another blessing. It made another blessing in my life. Ten years ago, we opened Hope Valley in our little hometown there. And we treat drunks wholesale up there.
And we named it Hope Valley after what you gave me that first meeting, Hope. Hope, the same thing that you gave to me. The very same thing that you gave to me. God took another part of my life and blessed it. But you know, we have a tendency. We have a tendency to take things over from time to time. And we have a tendency to not release things that were bothering us. And I had sort of pushed my daddy into the background.
And you know, I didn't feel too good about that. I didn't feel too good about that. And an Al-Anon lady came in one time, and she talked about her daddy. How her daddy was an alcoholic. And how she prayed for her daddy. And the feelings between her and her daddy was better. And her daddy was given an opportunity to get sober. And she talked to me, and she said, pray for him. And I did. Wasn't much to begin with. It was just God bless him.
And then I could say, God bless him and mean it. And then I said, God bless him and take care of him. I love him, and I renewed an acquaintanceship with my father. Ten years ago, almost ten years now, I got notice that my father was dead. He was in South Carolina, and my sister and my wife and I went down. On the way down, my wife and I talked to my sister about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And this new life that we had found. She was very inquisitive. When we got to the funeral, we got there about an hour ahead of time. And we went in to see my daddy. And instead of a traditional handkerchief in his pocket, he had a serenity prayer pin in his pocket. He'd been sober three months when he died. My sister asked some questions. This past February, two years ago, I had a call from my sister in Orlando, Florida.
I knew she'd had some trouble. I knew she was drinking too much, because her name's B., and she drinks. And anybody that's B., and their name drinks, and they drink, it's trouble. I'd already gone to the Orlando intergroup office there and made arrangements. And the lady that worked there, and one of the ladies that worked in the office, lived three blocks from me. She said, we'll get there if she calls.
My sister called me last February, and she said, I got the same problem you had. I've lost my husband. I've been arrested for drunk driving. My children don't respect me anymore, and I don't respect myself. And she said, I want to be like you and Marion. She didn't say, I want to get sober. She said, I want to be like you and Marion. My sister's now a member of the Winter Park Group of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I love her. And I love you, and people like you. For taking her in, and for taking me in. For offering me, and sharing yourself with me. Sharing what you had, which was the love of God. And giving it to me, and having patience with me, until I was in a position to find out for myself. About the love of God. And today I know it. Today I know that my problem is lack of power. And today I know where my source of power is.
And that is from the God of my understanding that people like you taught me about. So you mean a lot to me. You mean life to me. And I have a special wish for you. And you don't know how it makes me feel. This is twice I've been asked to come to the state of Arizona. I mean Arkansas, in one year. And nobody ever wanted me before, so God has, a miracle has happened in my life. And I'm grateful for you.
So my wish for you is that you may never again know loneliness. As only alcoholism can bring loneliness. May you never know it again. But, as you meet every new friend, along life's way, may you constantly be aware each time you shake hands of a new friend. Of the lonely days, and thank God for it.
[01:20:03]
May you have peace. I pray for peace in your life. But as you work about searching for peace, there's one thing that we have to do. Stop war. So, may you stop war. In order to have peace. May you stop fighting anything or anybody. It's my wish for you. May you be prosperous. And I hope and pray that you are prosperous. But as we gain prosperity, let us ever be mindful of the sharing that this program tells us about, and the needs of others.
Because it's only through giving that we can receive anything at all. So I wish prosperity for you. Along with recognizing the need of others. I don't wish sorrow for you. I wish joy. But in order for you to have joy, you must recognize some of the sorrowful days that we've had. And rejoice. As it says, rejoice in this day and be glad in it. And as you go about life, there's a saying back home that says, remove all doubt.
If you remove all doubt, that leaves no room for fear. And as we follow this slogan right here, if we believe, if I believe, and if you believe, there'll be no doubt. And if there's no doubt in your life, you're beautiful. And if we practice these wishes, there'll be no doubt. You're beautiful. And if we practice these wishes that I have for you today, and seek the same God that we all know, and love and serve and understand, then you'll find the answer to life.
That's a grateful heart. And you've shared with me out of gratitude, and I don't know how to tell you thank you. Except I think you already know. Thank you for having me, and God bless all of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just in case it could possibly be that there's a person here this morning that doesn't know it, that is spiritual food for the soul. And that's what I came to this convention for.
Thank you, Brian. Thank you. Thank you. It's my prayer this morning that each one of us would continue to share our experiences, our strength, and our hope with each other. We hope to see each and every one of you here again next year at the springtime of the Ozarks convention. Try every way you can to make it. There's a destiny that makes us brothers and sisters. None of us need ever walk alone. All that we send into the lives of others someday comes back to our own.
God bless you. Thank you. It's time to turn the meeting over to Keith and Harlan. Keith is the convention chairman. Harlan is the convention co-chairman. Thank you.