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Source: DICOBE-00015 – John A – GOPHER STATE RNDP VI – 1979-06-30.mp3 File: dicobe-00015-john-a-gopher-state-rndp-vi-1979-06-30.mp3 Duration: 01:11:03
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And I am very enthusiastic about this program, and I am very grateful for this way of life. It's terrific. Last night I introduced a gentleman, and I was so nervous that I forgot to thank Lauren and the committee for this invitation. And it has really been a very, very strange weekend, you know, because there has been no let up. And this, that I'm going to be here tonight, is an absolute surprise to me, too. And I know that I'm not up here to save a disaster, you know.
I thought that was really a terrific line. Anybody who heard Sandy Beach a little while ago, or Jim, or everybody else here, that's just been one of the nicest, well thought out programs that I have ever attended in Alcoholics Now. So I again say, I'm not up here to save a disaster. Well, I won't say it anymore. Jesus. I'm glad, Carpenter, that you could read that number there. I really talk to newcomers, and I love newcomers, and I like the feelings in these rooms for now newcomers, and I like being a newcomer myself. It's very important to me.
And you all knew, I'd like to, I'd just like to share with you, and all of you, why I like to be a newcomer. I hope I never forget the last year I drank, because I compromised on everything I believed in and stood for. I couldn't live a function without liquor. I couldn't go to sleep if I didn't have a fifth of whiskey in the refrigerator. And if I ran out of booze at midnight, I used to call in a business associate of mine in Baldwin Park and said, Harold, next week you will owe me $150 on this particular job.
And if you give me $20 tonight, you won't have to pay me $130 next week. And I drove a hundred mile round trip to pick up $20, and I didn't dare to buy any whiskey in Baldwin Park, because then I wouldn't make it home. And when I came home to Anaheim, where I lived at the time, I bought a fifth of Imperial bourbon, and then I was safe, and I had to have it. And I hope I never forget that period in my life. I know some of us, after we get well and get a few dollars in our pockets, we forget it. I hope I never forget it.
The other reason why I like to be a newcomer, I had been going to meetings every night for about 90 days, and I heard a guy named Phil Perry talk, and he said, if you keep going to meetings, you will wake up one morning and realize and find out that you can function without alcohol, and it isn't necessary to drink anymore, and you have a way to go. And I sat in that room, and I said, my God, I have experienced those feelings, and I realized I wasn't hooked anymore. And I could live like a free human being, and I had some degree of choice over my life, as long as I didn't take the first drink.
And I hope I never forget that period in my life here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope I never take it for granted. You all know, if you feel a thing that you have a drinking problem, half the battle is won, because then you know why you are here. But most of us coming in here, including myself, I really didn't feel that way, because there were so many other anxieties that so far overshadowed my relationship to liquor, and I felt if only these things would be straightened out, I wouldn't have to drink as much to be the way I was.
And that's how I think it is for most of us. Because we so slowly and so gradually grow into our relationship to liquor, it's very hard for us to see where we are in relationship to liquor and admit it, because for a long time it worked. It did everything I wanted it to do, it picked me up and slowed me down and whatever.
[00:05:07]
And when they started to talk to me about that I had to give up my booze, I thought they were absolutely crazy and didn't understand at all. And that's how I think it is for most of us coming in. And I don't really give a damn how bad it gets in the morning, because we get used to it. And to give you an example of how hard it is for us to see where we are in relationship to liquor, I talked in the step house in Costa Mesa some years ago now, and there was a guy in the front row, he had a shakes and he was wetting on the floor and he was in a hell of a sad shape.
And he came up to me after the meeting and said, you know I really don't know if I'm an alcoholic. And I asked him, I said, well it seems to be a problem, you know. And he said, I got to know some. And then he asked me, what is an alcoholic anyhow? And I said, I really don't know myself. But have you ever repeated the same performance again and again and again when it comes to liquor? He said, I don't know what you mean.
So I thought about my own case and I said, has your wife ever complained about your drinking? He said, I ain't married. She divorced me two years ago. So the devil flew into me. I said, did she divorce you because you had an ulcer? And he said, no, she said I drank too much beer. So I said, well now we're getting somewhere. So I asked him, when did you come into this goddamn place? I mean as far as I'm concerned, the step house in Costa Mesa ain't much to shoot for, you know.
I said, really? When did you come in here? And he said, yesterday morning. So I said, did they take you in here because you had an ulcer? And he said, no, I couldn't navigate anymore. And as far as I'm concerned, he is typical. And he couldn't really see himself where he was in a relationship to liquor and admit it, you know. And you all knew, if you saw this guy sitting up there doing those kind of tricks right now, you would sit down and say to yourself, well that's the way they are supposed to look like.
And if I ever get in that kind of shape or condition, I'll do something about you, feel like you're off the hook. This is one of the reasons why we ask you to go to a flock of meetings before you decide whether you belong or not. And then when we started to go to meetings of alcoholics, none of them had been beginning. Thank you very much. I really didn't know that was such a good line. From the thought of it, the first one I came up with was a lot better.
Then, when we start to go to the meetings of alcoholics, none of them had been beginning, we usually identify with the wrong things. We identify with the things that hasn't yet happened to us. And that kind of protects our rights or whatever you want to call it. And we hear some very flamboyant stories from this podium from time to time. Like I've been arrested this year already 42 times, and it's only August.
And I sat back down and heard those kind of stories, and I said, yeah, that's the way they are supposed to be. Because I had never been arrested, I had never been in an alcoholic ward or a step house or anything like that, so how could I be an alcoholic?
[00:10:07]
You know, I'd been in the building business some years. I had a nice home with a swimming pool and three automobiles and an English bulldog, so how could I be an alcoholic? I mean, there ain't a picture of an alcoholic, as far as I was concerned, and I had a hard time to identify here. I really did. I sat back there and I heard that we alcoholics are supposed to have a peculiar attitude. And this guy was up talking, and he said, yeah, I live back in the Midwest somewhere, and I decided one Sunday morning I should go to California and start all over again.
And I wanted to look good when I came out here, so I wanted to have a brand new car. So I got the car dealer out of bed, and he got the bank out of bed, and I got the brand new car, and I took off for California. He said I was a little drunk, and I drove 90 miles an hour over a hill, and on the other side I was a car park. And I drove heading into that car and told out my new car. My attitude was that never again am I going to buy a goddamn Chevy.
And I wasn't like that. When I heard that we alcoholics rebelled against society or authority, I never really did. I was for king and country when I lived in Sweden, and I supported the President of the United States after I came over here to the bitter end. When I heard a sales pitch, I tried to improve on it. I was always for things. I always tried to be part of things. I always tried to be good.
When I sat back here in the beginning, my problems seemed to be different than yours. When I sat there and looked back over my life, it just seemed to me like I had failed regularly, long before I started to drink. Even when I gave it my best shot. I could be very good for a couple of months, and then the bottom fell off. And I couldn't understand why I was such a screw-up. And that's why I sat and shooed on here, you know.
Quite some time later I heard a tape one time. We had had a 20th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous in Santa Monica, and our co-founder Bill W. was there. And somebody said to him, you know, Bill, this program of Alcoholics Anonymous is really the most fabulous success story that has ever been put together. It really is the most fantastic success story. And he said, not really. It's not a success story. It's just a lot of failures that has been put into usefulness.
And that day I was very grateful. I was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I had stayed around. So you all new here, don't worry about anything. Just come to meetings for a while, because it takes a bit before it all falls in place for all of us. I didn't have problems with my liquor, the same as I heard here. You should have quit long ago, you know. I had a lot of problems with my liquor at PTA meetings, and Girl Scouts, and places like that.
And when things like that was going on, I always came home between the afternoon, and I said, hey, let's go. And my kids usually said, well, please Dad, don't come today. I said, but why? I said, I just love to be with you guys. I said, but Dad, you're so terribly drunk. And I said, I'm not really that drunk, I'm just pleasantly gassed. And I always felt I handled it well. In fact, bartenders all over Orange County told me how well I could drink.
They used to say to me, Miss Eichling, you really know how to drink. I said, isn't that absolutely wonderful? Hey, you're something else, you know. You were in here last night for an hour and a half, you drank 22 drinks, you never raised your voice, you never get out of line, you're a perfect gentleman, and you leave graciously, and then you're back here again in the morning at 9 o'clock and start all over again.
I said, isn't that absolutely wonderful? And that's how it was for a while until it took over my life. I had three beautiful girls and a son, and we took them to church on Sundays. The son and we took them to church on Sundays, that's the right environment to bring them up and give them good starting life, that's how I was brought up.
[00:15:05]
The only problem with it was the last four years of my drinking, I was a morning drinker, and Karen usually inspected me down Sunday mornings, and most of the time she took one look at me and she said, not today, Johnny, and it hurt my feelings. When she took off down the street with the kids in the car, I had to stand behind the corner and hold her. Sometimes I ran down the block after her screaming and hollering, you know.
My neighbors were usually outside talking about the law problem, and here I came running by, you know. Sometimes I was strangely clad. I mean, if you ever saw a guy in a Swedish flannel pajamas coming down the street, you knew something was wrong, you know. She saw me in the rearview mirror coming down like a bat out of hell after her, so she stopped down the block and waited for me, and rolled down the window and said, Johnny, what's the matter, man? I said, don't forget to pray for me, you know.
And when I got there, I didn't feel like I belonged or fitted in, but I tried, and I sat down and looked sincere and hummed a lot, you know. One time I went so far, I said, God, if you want to say something, I know we have a contact. And he never said anything. In fact, he hasn't done so yet. And I know a couple of guys have heard him, and I don't want to go over there, you know. But I saw people there with peace of mind and serenity, and I knew they were in, and I just envied them.
You know, I was up, brought up in that Lutheran church in Sweden, and that's grim. I mean, that purgatory, I tell you, it has, I don't know, but it was a game. They could call me a sinner 32 times in an hour, you know. Sometimes I couldn't sit through the sermon there in Anaheim, you know. I used to go up in the middle of the whole deal there on Sunday sermons, and I'd screw them all, you know. Well, I used to punch the hypocrites anyhow, you know.
Then I went home and got drunk. Ranked Grand Scots, played good music, became very spiritual. Forgave myself for my hostility. After 50 weeks, I became talented on top of the whole thing. Then I used to write letters to famous people. Wrote a long letter to the King of Sweden one time. Herbert Hoover and Eisenhower Nixon had a long letter from me. And I always spiked it up with a little poem at the end there to make it look real good.
Like, freedom is the best thing throughout the world for those who can bear its responsibilities well. If you wish yourself to be blessed, love freedom more than gold, for honor follows freedom. It was a beautiful poem, you know. And read it in history class in junior high school in Sweden. Translated it to English, and it kind of fits in the way I feel about this country. But the letter was terrible.
A guy said to me one time, he said, Please, Johnny, read it in the morning before you mail it. And I did one time, and I decided right in the minute, never again am I going to read it in the morning. And other times, he said, let us try the Episcopalian Church next Sunday, because the congregation certainly doesn't do the job, you know. I said, it sounds terrific. And he said, yeah, they have very colorful costumes down there.
They sing a lot. If you like music, it might hit you. And I'd been drinking till five that morning. I'd seen a lot of shakes when I woke up, so I went out in the kitchen and drank a little codeine coffee and I seen two shots of bourbon. I stopped the shakes and tightened my belt and walked along this morning. Tightened my belt and walked along with small steps and tried to look effective and passed inspection and came to church.
The only thing I can say to you, the routine in the Episcopalian Church, it really ain't for drunks, you know. It's a very busy place, you know. And they got up and down the kneel and pray and sit and stand and sing. I was up and down three, four times and then my timing got off.
[00:20:12]
And when I sat down, I stood up. And in Sweden, when we don't know the words, we sing Tra-la-la. I had a couple of soldiers go up all by myself. Second time I came up down and gave the Tra-la-la, you could hear a guy five rows behind me. He said, sit down, you son of a bitch. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The third time down praying, I couldn't get up anymore, you know. And I clung to that bench. I tried every trick in the book, I knew I could get up and couldn't make it.
I tried it sideways and backwards and forwards. I even tried to roll up. And she sat down and said, Please, Joni, please get up. And I said, It's an absolute impossibility. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So they went up and down and I sat down and sang by myself, you know. Next time I looked behind me, they were all down praying, you know. And here's this guy in the row behind me, he's laying down on his knees, his chin is hanging and mumbled, and he looked through the stairs and he looked right at me.
And I sat down on the floor and stared at him. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! And sometimes you focus in and you lock and you can't move. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So he stared at me and I stared at him. And then I thought I better look a little cautious, I winked my eyes back. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So it went. So, needless to say, we didn't go back to the Episcopal Church.
I admit this as I got sober, you know. There's a minister there who saw me down on the floor. And he saw me and he said, please go to those meetings. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I think we are the last to know and the last to find out and the last to admit that we have a problem with it. And when we do realize we have a problem, it's really too late because we can't function without it.
And then starts this period of self-deception when we have to lie to ourselves that we really aren't as bad as we are depending on it as much as we do, you know. And, you know, I always compare myself with people who are worse than I was, drinking wise. Many times I said to my wife, if I ever get like Frank or Bill, I'll do something about it. But I get along with them pretty good most of the time.
Many, most of us have seen somebody making a fool of themselves in a bar at the party. And I saw this action and said, if I ever get like that person, I'll do something about it. And eventually we come to become like that person. And then we have to pick on somebody who's worse than that. Now there's always somebody who's worse to shape a man up when we aren't at the top. That's the nature of the illness of alcoholism, I believe.
One night I was laying in my bedroom and watching a TV version of Days of Wine and Roses and I was fascinated by that show. Carrie was laying next to me, I had a glass of whiskey on the nightstand and here's a scene where a guy having, going through the convulsion in a padded cell and a jackknife around the wall standing. And I had never had a convulsion. At this period of my drinking, I'd had a DT's three times, had a big white snake with three black eyes that came out of the wall.
And he came slowly across the room, you know, stopped right in front of my face and started to hiss at me, you know. Like this, right here. And he was about that big in diameter. It was an unbelievable sight. And I'd never been so frightened in my whole life. I screamed so loud and frightened my brain exploded from my own sound and then I fell backwards unconscious.
[00:25:00]
That's how I experienced it. Next morning, Carrie told me, she said, something very strange happened this morning around four o'clock. She said, you sat down at four o'clock, you sat straight up in bed and stood in front of me for quite some time. And then you said, Eeee! That's how it was. It was the goddamnest thing I'd ever done. One night, every time I fell asleep, I stopped breathing. You know, I woke up and nothing was going on.
And I looked down and I said, Oh my God, it quit. I lay down the edge of the bed and I saw myself going, you know. Five, six times it happened to me. And I lay down and thought, how long can I stay awake? Because if I ever fall asleep for good, I'll never wake up again. And I get into that coma I've heard them talk about. That was what I, what I had experienced when I saw this guy going through the convulsions.
As he's jackknifing around the wall, I said to my wife, I said, hey, I said, look over there. There you see a typical alcoholic. I said, you never saw me do anything like that. See, they flip around like that, you know. Took my whiskey and drank it, said if I ever get like that fellow, I do something about it, you know. So it goes. One morning, when she almost had me, I woke up and my bed was wet. That was a very humiliating time.
You know, I had principles and manners at one time, you know, and this is where I found myself. And I lay down and thought, shh, it's finally happened. What can I say to this? And she was standing in front of the bed and looking at me with those cold eyes. You know those little beady ones? But the dialogue was terrific. She stood there and stared at me. She said, well? I laid down and said, well, what?
I mean, what the hell can you say? Sure hope there's some bedwetters here tonight. You know, I fell. And then my youngest daughter Katrina came in. She said, daddy, I'm so sorry, but last night when I climbed into bed with you, I believe I wet your bed. I mean, talk about the break from alcoholics. And I just smiled at her. I said, oh, my little darling, that's a little squirt. Now they won't hurt anybody.
But then you thought I was an alcoholic, you know? Four days later, it wasn't Katrina's fault. And I didn't have a dream that I went to the bathroom. I didn't have a blackout. I just laid down and reasoned. I said, what the hell really? She can do what I can do. I mean. And that's what I had become at that time in my life. And today I'm just very grateful that I'm a simple alcoholic. Because we have these evidences of self-degradation.
And I believe this, that God will let us see how we really are later on. And perhaps then there will be enough panic in us that we seek help. And some of us will have the great fortune of finding the fellowship of alcoholics now and a way to go. Think of the people hooked on the drugs who have these spiritual experiences and experiences in those areas. And I think a hardest must be for them to realize they have a problem.
So I am most grateful that I'm just a simple alcoholic. One night I made love to my wife when she wasn't even there, and that's kind of tricky. She was laying three feet away from me there, and she said, What are you doing over there? And I said, I beg your pardon. I mean, I always had a lot of class, you know. So when she realized what was going on, she started to laugh at me. I started to cry because I felt it was so humiliating to laugh at the guy who was doing his best.
The next morning I had been out in the kitchen and had my codeine cough medicine and my bourbon, and she met me in the hallway and she said, Well, good morning, lover boy. I didn't feel any pain, I just smiled and I said, it's the best piece I've had in a long time.
[00:30:18]
Thank you. I'm sure glad you identify so well in this area. I'd like to tell you that the last four years though of my drinking, there wasn't anything that was important to me or sacred even though I didn't try to use to stop or nothing work, you know. My father told me one time when I was just before dying, he said, tell the truth and be honest and nothing can go wrong for you and a gentleman always keep his word of honor.
And it was very important to me because it was the last thing he said to me. And one time I took the Bible out in front of my wife and children and I said, I swear to God, I'm never going to drink again. And I said, I've never broken my word of honor to you. And she said, children, your father never has. And I thought, if I use this thing that means so much to me, I can probably stop. Two weeks later I was drunk again and again and so it went.
I went to a minister for counseling every week for an hour. I lived with him. I took my inventory with him and I didn't even know it, but I really wanted help. And he is the only professional man I met until I came in here who had any understanding or depth of what was wrong with me. He even went so far that he read a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous to find out where he could best help me. And he realized two things in that book of ours.
He realized that we lacked identification. When he talked about God, I usually said, Walter, you are a good man, but I'm not really. You don't talk to your wife the way I talk to mine in the evenings. So God doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I know because I've tried. He realized another thing that is just as important. He realized that if he should sit and listen to my reasons and justifications, why I had to drink and carry on the way I did, he was actually going to contribute to and eventually help me to die from this thing called alcoholism.
And he realized that I had to find my own bottom. Throw it down. And I really believe that any and every alcoholic can identify in this area. Because as long as we have any friends that gives us any kindness or sympathy, we ain't gonna do anything about it. And when I was cornered, I could become most persuasive. Tears rolling down my cheeks. You don't understand and let me explain and however because, you see.
And this pleads. As long as anybody gives us any kindness back, we ain't gonna do anything about it. And that is why most of us have to run out of friends before we seek help elsewhere and we all know it. When he wouldn't talk to me anymore, I went to a psychiatrist. I spent two grand on a psychiatrist. And he was a pipe smoker and he puffed and looked mysterious. He said nothing for 45 minutes and he just sat down and blew smoke at me, you know.
You know, for 45 minutes and I sat down staring at him and thought it was part of the therapy, you know. After 45 minutes, I said to him, I said, that son of a bitch cost me 10 fifths a week. And he really never said anything to me. My wife didn't tell me for free three times a day. What good does it do when you're telephaxed and drunk at this stage of his illness? Oh, you need a crutch, huh? You can't stand on your own two feet.
Is that it? Or do you realize that you're driving your wife insane and she's such a borderline right now that if you push her a little further, she will be institutionalized for the rest of her life and it's your fault? So what do you do then? You do what I did, I went on the wagon. And two weeks later I knew everything he said was the truth and I knew it before. And the more sober we become, the more we realize how we hurt our loved ones.
And that in itself will drive us back to drinking again because that's the only way we know how to get out from under that guilt. And in my case I had to justify going back to drinking again. So I baited her one morning and she blew and I said, for years she had said, if you just stop drinking everything will be alright. I said, I haven't had a drink for three weeks, she's still right there with me.
And that allowed me to go back to drinking again. If I had gone through additional psychotherapy or psychoanalysis at that time of my illness, I don't think that would make me stop drinking. If he had explained everything to me about my feelings in the morning,
[00:35:03]
why I was sometimes on such tremendous highs and sometimes on such tremendous lows and there was nothing in between. If all those things had been explained to me at that time of my illness, I don't think that would make me stop drinking. I think the other way around. I would simply say, well no wonder I drink the way I do because I always feel different and unique. And they really didn't understand me.
And that's the nature of the illness of alcoholism. I can assure you that I'm not knocking psychiatry or psychology at all. Far from it. Very dedicated, wonderful people. But I think it is very hard to convince anybody to stop drinking as long as booze is doing something for them. And that's the problem with alcoholism. As long as booze is doing something for us, it's very hard to sway anybody. So, that was that.
You know, if we don't have a reason, we create one. It's that simple. I knew a guy in Anaheim, he drank for 20 years because he knew he was going to screw up his daughter's wedding. And he wasn't married and he didn't have a daughter, you know. One time I thought if I had a hobby, perhaps I could stop drinking. When I was 20 years old and lived in Europe, I was an excellent horseback rider. My dream then was always to own a Doppelganger Arabian horse.
And I am. This is 20 years later. I came home drunk one afternoon and I said, if I only had a Doppelganger Arabian, I'd have a horse. This is 20 years later. I came home drunk one afternoon and I said, if I only had a Doppelganger Arabian, I think I could stop drinking. He said, Johnny, I don't give a damn if you buy a Ferrari, you know. So I went out and bought a Doppelganger Arabian. He was three and a half years old and he was beautiful and we had to look the picture.
It took a whole month to get all the gears together. I spent a thousand dollars on gears alone. I bought a beautiful English saddle, a Kimberley bit, special reins and stirrups, and a Moringale in a blue saddle blanket. I had an English Stetson hat, a Harris tweed jacket, an English yard purse, a Spanish cane, and I wore my father's monocle. Would you believe I was sober for two days? How about one and a half?
The second day I had 14 martinis for lunch and I fell off the horse. We could sit on a Sunday afternoon and kids were down, my wife was down. I played Stan Getz or Dave Brubeck or Love Will Haim or Corman Hawkins played I Can't Get Started or some groovy music like that. I said, hey, listen to this solo. Isn't that the most beautiful thing you ever heard in your life? And he said, Dad, it's fantastic.
And I sat and I said, this is how I wanted to be all the time. I'm sure God must be in his home right now. And I felt some self-worth even, that I couldn't be all bad when we had these vibes of this communication. And Carrie could say very softly to me, she said, please, John, don't drink for a little bit now, huh? I said, you goddamn bitch, you'll have to blow it. You couldn't let me feel this good, could you? You'll have to turn a knife around.
And then I went out in the kitchen and drank four drinks or whatever it took. Then I came in the living room and ranted and ran for two hours. And I held her down in a chair that she couldn't get out of. And I accused her of things that she hadn't even done. And the implication alone as such will make a person feel eventually like they have done it. So no wonder that this is a family disease. And thank God for the Allergy Program, how important that is.
We had a, the last few years of my drinking, it just was a deep tragedy, the whole thing. That, when we should go to Palm Springs, I had been sober for three weeks. I hadn't had a vacation for five years or been out of town for five years. I didn't dare to leave Anaheim. I was safe there. I went down to Triftimoff and Savor and Rockstore and asked Polly Panther and bought my boots. And I was absolutely petrified that Friday morning when we should leave.
And I drank a fifth of whiskey and drove with four children, my wife, to Palm Springs, 80, 90 miles an hour. Had to get there while it lasted. And they were all crying and it was that crazy. And she was convinced that was my way of telling her that I didn't love her anymore. And she locked herself in the bathroom the next day and said, John, I can't live like this any longer. And drank a hundred aspirins down and said, I'm going to kill myself.
[00:40:01]
And I laid on that bed that day and prayed to God, hoping she was going to make it so she didn't have to be with me anymore. Because I knew I couldn't do anything about my deal. And that's how it was and that's how it is and that's how it usually ends. But by the grace of God, she got sick so she didn't die, but it was that close. Two years after that, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. So you can draw your own conclusions how the next two years were for us.
And my guilt connected with that. Drove her to that, that far. Then came that inevitable day when she said to me, only for years, because of the children we have stayed together, but now because of them we have to part. And either you go down and try the thing called Alcoholics Anonymous or else out you go again. And I said, God, what can those flakes do for me? And I said, look what I have tried. I swore on the Bible, I went to the minister for 18 months, I spent two grand on psychiatry and bought a doctor for Arabian.
I mean, what can those plenty do? But she was so calm and I didn't want to be kicked out anymore. And that was the only reason I went down there to the funky club in Antarctica. But it happened down there. My friend and sponsor Charlie got hold of me and he said, come on with me, let us talk. And we sat in his patio and he told me his story. And that's what I think is important in Alcoholics Anonymous.
One drunk talking to another and the identification between the two. And when he was through I realized that he was worse than I was drinking-wise and he depended more than I did on it and he was sober. And I said, you were that bad and you can stay off that sauce? And he said, yes. And I knew he was telling the truth, you know. And I said, but you don't understand, Charlie. I said, every time I stop drinking I get to shakes, you know.
He said, you'll only shake for four or five days and then you never have to shake again. And I didn't know that and I sat down and thought, what information is this guy coming up with here? And then he told me about the disease of alcoholism. He called it an allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind. And he said, the first drink is a mental one to make you comfortable. Then the body takes over and craves more alcohol and you cannot control your drinking pattern or your behavior pattern.
So things started to fall in place for me. And that night I was in a meeting. And then when I read portion of chapter five that we heard here this evening I simply said, please God help me today to stay sober. And it wasn't a big deal, you know. I always thought the spiritual experience would be something like, kaboom. And he asked, John, what can I do for you? And he asked, John, what can I do for you?
But it wasn't like that at all, it was merely a feeling. And my thoughts were these, that perhaps after all this, it stays away from me too. And when I came home that night, I sat in the car and I said, you know, I don't have to drink anymore. And she said, yeah, I slept differently. And I haven't had a drink or any codeine cough medicine or strange pills or cigars since that day. And it's exactly sixteen years and nine months ago now, you know.
When that meeting closed, this was probably the most crucial time for me here. Because I felt, you know, I started to go to meetings. And I had about ten days of sobriety. When I sat in the front row in men's tag meeting in Anaheim and I just sat there crying. And I said, you guys don't understand. I said, but I feel so goddamn guilty. And that was an old time around. I said, Johnny, the reason you feel so guilty is because you're guilty.
You're guilty. You know, guys like that have saved my life. And for the first time I could admit it was my fault without reservations. Before I always used to say I was wrong about this. But they did this to me and she did this. And it was always a 50-50 deal. But I came to the conclusion that whatever they had done or said, I drove them to it. And when I took it on that basis, I was free. And I could start to do something about my life.
Like I say, from then on this program started to work for me. But when that meeting closed, it was probably the most crucial time for me here because I felt trapped. I was in a corner I couldn't get out of and I actually regretted it. And I believed him. And that's how simple it has to be. I lived on that and clung to that. I lived on that and clung to that for some time, you know. I tell you, in fact, for quite some time,
[00:45:01]
the people on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous really gave me the courage to face my wrongs and my difficulties. They talked to me in a fashion I had never experienced before. They did not point fingers and there was no judgment. They just shared their own experiences from heart to heart. And this love and this care that goes on in these rooms is really the most healing commodity that we can offer or being offered.
It suits us back to good health and it gives us a God of our own that we can trust in any kind. And it's here for everybody. There ain't anybody excluded here. For quite some time, however, I felt my life was over and could never be right again and it would never mend and she would never forgive me. That's how I felt. And I can assure you this much, that these 16 years and 9 months I have been here have been the best years of my life.
And I know without a shadow of a doubt whatever is in front of me will be the best years of my life as long as I practice the principles of this program and live a day at a time. It's terrific. I envy you newcomers what you are going to discover providing you go to meetings. I really envy you. And you don't believe me now and I didn't believe it then, but it was the greatest opportunity I ever had in my life.
It was absolutely definitely the greatest opportunity I ever had in my life when I was beaten down to nothing so don't fret if we have all been there. You know how many times in my life that I have been down on my knees and said, God, if I could just live my life over again, maybe I wouldn't be such a screw-up. Well, there is something to be said for these 12 steps and the 12 traditions. When we start to operate with those rules and work them in all of our affairs, something happens to us.
We can really make a 180 degree turn. We can really become everything we ever dreamed of becoming. And we can be exactly the way we always wish we would be in here where we live with ourselves. And that's here for everybody. You know, when I was 90, sober for a while, I wanted everything to be right at home. I wanted the kids to respect me. And I didn't want her to bring up the past anymore. And it says in the big book that we are supposed to go back to normal living.
But I had one other commodity going for me. I wondered, what amends can I make to them? What amends can I make to them right now to make it right, right now? And I tell you something, looking back over the 16 years and 9 months I've been in here, the only amends we can make to ourselves and all loved ones is to stay off the booze a day at a time because nothing else counts. It doesn't matter what intentions we have or what promises that we make.
It doesn't even matter what gifts we buy. It means nothing when we come home drunk again. The only amends we can make to ourselves and all loved ones is to stay off the booze a day at a time. The rest of the program we'll follow little by little, but we've got to start somewhere. You know, I remember at that time, I remember two years prior I had had an ultimatum. And I said, I swear to God I'm never going to drink again.
This is what I'm going to do for you. And I built on a beautiful roof to our house with pre-finished oak floors, walnut pegs, I carpeted the whole house, I put the swimming pool in the backyard. I spent $12,000. Two weeks after it was finished, I came home drunk. And she met me at the front door and tears were rolling down her cheeks. I knew you didn't mean it, I just knew it. It means nothing. The only amends we can make to ourselves and all loved ones is to stay off the booze a day at a time.
Period. See, it took us a while to get there. And it takes us a while before it all falls in place. Another thing happened when I was six months old. The guy I talked to you about in Baldwin Park, gave me the money. He had a little problem with the horses in Arcadia. And he gambled away $16,000 and he couldn't pay me my commission. So they foreclosed my home. Now when you are six months sober, you are next best to Jesus Christ, you know.
You want to have your due rewards for being good for so long, you know. Coop the middle or something, you know. And that, you know, and here they foreclosed my home. It really was a blow. And I thought this thing through and I thought about it for 30 days and then I came to the conclusion and I said it and I meant it. Thank God I really came off easy. You know. Most people have lost house and home and everything they own and their family and other families.
Some people have been married three times, have three sets of kids. And some people never find this problem. I said it and I meant it. Thank God I really came off easy. But I wondered how will the kids take this set back?
[00:50:01]
How will they understand? They are so little. They grew up in this house. My oldest daughter was 13 at the time. My little boy was five and the other two in between. They came up to me a week before they should auction off the house. I said, Dad, will I talk to you? And Carolyn said, no, Dad, it's too bad that we have to leave this beautiful home. But we don't mind to live in a small apartment as long as you are as you are now.
And it was my second best day in Alcoholics and Arms. And it was a new thing for me to be grateful in defeat. And I started to understand a little bit what my sponsor meant when he said, Johnny, things that seem to be important to you now will not be so important later on and you will have a change of values. And I started to understand I was a lot more to this program than I first understood. I tell you, just because I have got sober, it doesn't mean that my life has just been a bed of roses.
It hasn't. It hasn't. I have gone through a lot of setbacks since I have sobered up. And a lot of tragedies happened, you know. But my attitude is different. And we wonder sometimes, well, this key to this change of attitude, what it is all about. And don't think for a minute that just because I have been sober for 16 years that I have grown kind of sophisticated or a little blasé. Not so at all. I am just as simple as I have ever been.
I am more sensitive now than I have ever been. I feel more about everything than I ever felt before. I care more. I love more and deeper now than I ever have loved. Then we wonder, what is this key to this change of attitude? It has nothing to do with what I read, what I philosophize about. It doesn't even matter how long I meditate in the morning. That's not the key. It doesn't even matter whether we believe spiritually or religiously.
That's not the key. I don't care what spiritual heights you are living under. Two things bother all of us. It's either what we do or what we don't do. If it is something that I do that bothers me, I better stop it. And if it is something that I don't do, they call it procrastination and I better attend to it right away, otherwise they are going to magnify that out of proportion. And that's the key.
I have a calendar. I know exactly what to do tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon and tomorrow night and I mark, check it off. And that's God's will for me that day and it's that simple. My kids have grown up over the years here. And they have had their scrapes and their problems. Both booze and pot and cocaine and relationships. And the first few years of my sobriety, I was pretty heavy on them, you know.
I wanted them to be perfect. What I couldn't become, I wanted them to become. You know, my parents died when I was really too young. And many times I made up rules for myself. I assumed what they expected of me if they would be alive. And I couldn't live up to it. And I was putting that kind of pressure on my kids. And Karen said one time to me, she said, you know, you're also loving to the new people in AA.
Can you think about your kids in the same way? And I changed. Was there some day for me, when I can allow them to have the right to be wrong. I haven't had to give them any ultimatums that involves rejections. I've always kept the door open. I have voiced my opinions that it's wrong. Nothing good can come from it. I wish you wouldn't do it, please. But if they go ahead, I always say, when you find out it's wrong, just call.
And they call. Nobody's afraid in my house today. They call and say, Dad, can we talk? Can we talk? And it's terrific. My wife's and my relationship, you know, I thought, I really thought that that can never be straightened out. And it took a long time. But you know, that has never been better. Long ago now, she came to me and said, it wasn't always your fault. Long ago now, she said to me, John, this life we live today, is really just the most fabulous adventure.
And it was so tragic at one time, and it has turned out so good, and it's all because of this. You know, because we have been allowed to share
[00:55:01]
with people here over the years. You know, as bad as it was, I tell you this much, because between us, there even exists a degree of innocence. It is just unbelievable to believe that that will happen, but it has happened. And we are both very realistic people, you know. I am very busy and alcoholic synonymous. I work very hard. I'm up early and I'm late to bed. I go to the five meetings in a week or more.
And she works hard. She goes to school and she writes. She takes care of my business and our home and so on. And we never had it so good. I've been married to her for over 31 years, and that's almost immoral. She was 17 when I met her in Stockholm, and I assure you it wasn't bad then. But it's still very romantic between us. It's really nice that we've been married this long, and that it can be this newness and this good between us and fun.
Besides that, my aim is a lot better these days. Can I have a little more? Thank you. I'll touch on one thing before I sit down. You know, we hear that resentment in this old world is a killer. And we can't afford a luxury of resentment if we're on the program of alcoholic snobs. And when I was through with my inventory, step in that, and that had fallen in place, I was sitting there working on my resentments.
And I had some resentment against Karen, my younger brother. But they were very easy to forgive because I loved them tremendously, both of them. But my older brother was something different. He was two years older, and he really created my inferiority complex. He couldn't stand me. He always used to look at me and say, you're so goddamn dumb that the devil laughs at you. And he was a big bully. He was 200 pounds when he was 12 years old.
He used to beat me up something fierce. Sometimes I pretended I had fainted just so he wouldn't beat me. And I felt unworthy because I didn't stand up as long as I could have and tried to slug it out with him, you know. But that's how it was. He broke me spiritually in every way. And when we were 13 years old, he drowned me. When we were 13 years old, he drowned me. He grabbed me by the hair out in the ocean in Sweden and just held me under there.
I was 15 feet to death. And I just inhaled and inhaled and I died. I heard my father's voice talking to me on the other side. And, you know, I couldn't even move anymore. And it was absolutely the most painful, frightening thing I've ever gone through when I inhaled that much water and couldn't get any air. You know. And I sat there and I worked on a sentence and I thought, how can I forgive him? How in the living hell can I forgive him?
I thought, how, you know, just because I have joined Alcoholics Anonymous, am I supposed to be some sort of a doormat? Am I some sort of a second-class citizen? Got to be some, some has to make sense here. And I asked what to do, you know. He said, pray for the son of a bitch. And I did and he didn't do a hell of a lot. And they said, try to understand your resentment. And I sat down and I sure could understand where I was sitting.
And I was really up, I did, it was a very, very simple sentence. And I was really up, I did, it was a very, very serious matter to me now, you know. But then at some, I turned it around. And I wondered, why did he dislike me so? Why did he have resentment against me? And that's another ballgame, you know. And then I realized that our father favored me. I was so little and he was I was so little, and he was, he was obese always as a little guy, you know, and he was a very introvert, he was a very serious person, and I started to remember how he always stood and watched when my father hugged me, and had me in the lap, and I realized that he needed more love than I did, really, because I'm very outgoing,
[01:00:15]
and I realized that, that God, he, he was absolutely starving there for approval and affection, and I had been in the way, and it started to fall in place for me, you know, I, I started to realize that he had just been obsessed all his life to get the police all fought on, and he died when my brother was nine and I was eight, you know, and he couldn't get the approval from him, he took up gymnastics in high school, he became one of the finest athletes in Sweden, he carried a Swedish flag in the Olympics on five occasions, he was an office owner gentleman, he was very successful in his business matters, and he lived in a beautiful place outside Stockholm, and, and he had achieved everything that anybody could ever dream of, you know, I'm sitting here working on my resentment, and I hadn't heard from him for fifteen years, I can truthfully say, and he write me this long letter, came in the mail, and I'm sitting there working on my resentment, and it came in the mail the next day, and he tells me all what he has achieved, I realize here he's over forty years old, and he's still trying to get approval from the old man, and he can't get it, so I just sat down and wrote the letter, I said, dear Basil, if our father would have been alive today, he would have taken you in his arms and said that you have succeeded beyond my greatest expectations, till I brought up the honor.
And I haven't had a resentment since, and you know what the payoff of this thing was? I even lost my inferiority complex. There's something else, you know, I, I hear from time to time, you know, when we have been in for a while, that we reach certain plateaus in alcoholic synonyms, some spiritual heights, and I know in the big book there is no limit on spirituality, it goes on forever here. But for myself personally, I don't like the word being on a plateau, because it's like we are better than, or something to that effect, and I don't like it.
I think this, if anything, when we have been around in alcoholic synonyms, and been allowed to share and be part of so much here, and other people's lives, instead of being on plateaus, I think that we get more of an understanding for other human beings, and we don't have to be so self-centered anymore. And that's one of the wonderful things that has happened to me, this beautiful thing. I don't care if we come into the program of alcoholics, you know, I'm going to wrap it up, you know, so you can go off and disco dance a little bit, you know. Maybe some of you will do the dip tonight evening, you know, you're my age, you know.
Anyhow, I don't care how we come into the program of alcoholic synonyms. If a judge sends you, you go through an alcoholic ward, or a step house, or any other facilities. In all instances, we are coming to AA meetings. It's in these rooms that we see the evidence that we can live and function without alcohol. And think of this, most alcoholics never come here. Most alcoholics never find out that they can live and function without booze. Most alcoholics live out there, and go crazy out there, and die out there. That's what happens to most alcoholics. And I can't for a moment believe that God would take us through all these things, and then bring us in here, and show us this way to go, if he didn't have any specific plans for us. It really wouldn't make any sense.
There are times when I'm very curious what he's up to, though. And when that happens, I'll be down on my seat. My God, why me right now? It's so untimely, I have so many other problems. Couldn't you cool it a little? A little later on, in retrospect, the thing that seemingly was a bad real life was the most merciful thing that could have happened to me at the time, because I was running off in the wrong direction, and didn't know it. So I don't question God's will for me anymore.
For the benefit of the new people, the most important spiritual experience I have had since I came in here was that night when I sat down and said, please God, help me today to stay sober. And my thoughts were, perhaps after all this, there's a way for me to. That's the most important spiritual experience I've had here. I've had many others since. But that little thing turned my entire life around, and that's why I'm here tonight, being the way I am, and feeling the way I do.
[01:05:12]
And you all knew, it was like this, perhaps after all this, there's a way for me to. And that's where you are now. And it would happen to you too if you would let it happen. You are absolutely, definitely in control there. You don't have to go out there and get drunk anymore if you don't want to. Because my business and our business is to stay away from the first drink one day at a time. That's our business. And then God will remove the obsession on his time and his terms.
I have heard many people at this podium saying, then God came down and removed the obsession and it hasn't been necessary to me since. And I don't dispute that statement at all. It was most certainly what happened to those people, and that's wonderful. But it was not like that for me. I had to fight for my sobriety a day at a time for four and a half years before the obsession was removed. And I bring this issue up because many new people leave this room hearing about the obsession and they say, I hope he removes that obsession soon because I can't take this much longer. And that's why I bring it up. When I was down on my knees in the beginning here and I said, God take this obsession away, or take these anxieties away. I hoped or expected that he was going to remove them completely, but that's not truly what happened to me.
But I believe this very deeply that he removed enough of the obsession and enough of the anxieties we didn't have to get drunk that day because those days when we just plain survived. That's the name of the game we are just hanging in there. And besides that there are things that God cannot do. He cannot do anything that's contrary to his own nature or being. And what does that mean? It simply means this. If we take the first drink, he cannot prevent us from getting drunk and we all know it. So my business and our business is to stay away from the first drink one day at a time. That's our business. Then God will remove the obsession on his time and his terms.
Oh yeah. And lastly, every night before dinner or before I go to a meeting, I go down to the ocean in Laguna Beach where I live and swim for half an hour. That's the time of the day when I'm alone. It's the time of the day when I looked over my life and I look over my priorities. And it's the time of the day when I have the most intimate privacy. And I cannot but realize then the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that we don't have to drink alcohol. That is indeed the miracle of this program. And then the miracle of the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And when we put down no conditions in our sobriety, and when we have no reservations about these twelve steps, the twelfth edition, this way of life that's laid out for us here. When we don't have any conditions or reservations, then the miracle of the miracle of this program is this. That we men and women can live out there in that world where the conflicts are and we can fit in out there and we can be part of that world.
Any other therapy pertaining to this illness of ours. People are usually confined behind walls and doors and locks and even bars. And ain't in jail and it ain't in there where we have a problem with booze. It's when we get out of there. And that's what this program is all about. When we live and lead lives where we don't have to justify our own doings anymore. We can take all these strong feelings and emotions we have within ourselves and turn them into positive. We can be like God's kids like we were intended to be in the first place. And I know for a fact there is a hell of a lot more good things out there than there are bad things.
And that indeed must be the miracle of the miracle of this program. If I have said nothing you can identify we just go to another meeting tomorrow morning. But if you will believe this and take this with you when you leave this place tonight. If you're a little bit like I was when I first came in. I woke up with two things every morning and it was loneliness and fear. And if you will just believe this that we only wish you well and we only want good things for you.
And if you just believe that you will never wake up lonely anymore because you know by now there is a way to go. God love you and thank you for listening.
[01:10:10]
If you will remain standing I will lead you in the Lord's Prayer. Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.