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Source: DICOBE-00011 – David A – STEPS 10, 11 AND 12.mp3 File: dicobe-00011-david-a-steps-10-11-and-12.mp3 Duration: 01:03:30
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And all because of God's grace through the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not found it necessary to and I have, I tell you, to drink up an alcoholic night since April the 20th, 1967, and for this I am so thankful. Last week we came through the ninth step of the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and so this brings us to the last three, steps 10, 11, and 12. And in Alcoholics Anonymous they are commonly referred to as the maintenance steps, and it's obvious that if we don't have anything to maintain, then we're in trouble.
And it is our sobriety that is of the prime importance, and it is the only thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything else falls in line in the manner in which we are tended to our sobriety by allowing the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous to live in our lives, and so step 10, continue to take personal inventory, and when we're wrong, promptly admit it. We find that after we've been sober for a few months, and after alcohol is completely out of our system, we find now that our problems are more mental than physical, and it is that stinking thinking that will sneak back in, and that kind of thinking that makes life sometimes pretty tough.
And we find that after we've been sober for a while and begin to look in our lives as a result of our inventory, as a result of all these other things in our lives, we'll find that a psychic quirk started us on our drinking careers in the first place. Now, we hear it all the time in Alcoholics Anonymous and the personal stories, how a young man will get up and say, you know, that when he was 17 years old, he went to the high school dance, and he was mock neat and tongue-tied and pigeon-toed, and he had acne all over his face, and the hair on his arms and legs of the girls did, and buck teeth, and he wore eyeglasses, and everybody used to call him Coca-Cola Bottle Bottoms and all that business.
And a girl would come up to him and, you know, and he'd, you know, and during intermission at one of these dances, somebody asked him to come outside, and when they did, say, hey, and he looked around, what are you boys drinking? Why, here, have some of this, and I took my first drink of liquor in a Coke bottle, and God, I took another one, and all of a sudden, I reached up and felt my face, and all the acne was gone, and I could throw my eyeglasses off, and I could see without them.
My knock knees went out that way, my pigeon toes went out that way, and I hopped back in there, and I danced like Fred Astaire all night long. And we hear it a lot of times in the personal stories, you know, that I come from a fine Christian home, and I used to go to the Wednesday night prayer meeting, and I'd go to Sunday, and I belonged to the BYU and all this business, and I went into the service, and I'm overseas, and God, I took my Bible with me, and I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink, and I didn't dance, and I didn't chase around with the girls.
And I used to be all alone, reading and praying my Bible and singing my little out of my hymn book, and I used to hear all the laughter of all having fun down at the slop shoot, getting drunk, and they used to call me a square, and a sissy. And one night I just wandered down there, just to see what all this fun was about, and I stuck my head in that beer tent, and somebody says, hey, come on in, and I went in there, and I had my first beer, and then I had me a drink of whiskey, and I ain't been to church since, and I threw that Bible and hymn book away, see.
Now, we hear it as a psychic quirk, because if there's anything that an alcoholic desires, drunk or sober, is we want to be a part of something, and we want to be somebody, and that's the most dangerous thing that can happen to an alcoholic after we get sober when we become somebody again. Oh, my God, we think we're somebody again. And so, as a result of it, it's been the rule, rather than the exception of Alcoholics Anonymous, that as long as we can think sober, as long as we're willing to think about living sober and not think about drinking, we can remain sober one day at a time.
But when you go back to that old alcoholic thinking, unless we can come to see the nature of what's happening to us, and sometimes it is very, very elusive, and sometimes it is very, very baffling, we usually get drunk unless we can come to see the nature of what's happening to us. Now, there are certain lectures that are common to the average person that an alcoholic cannot seem to afford. Now, I'm not going to say that we're not going to do them. Yes, we're going to do them. We cannot afford to pay the price. We cannot afford resentment and our self-pity. We can't carry them for a long time.
We cannot afford envy or greed. We cannot afford dishonesty of any kind. Now, what is dishonest for me may not be dishonest for you. And what is honest for me may not be honest for you. But I think that honesty in Alcoholics Anonymous has to do in the realization one day at a time that who we are and what we are, that we have an illness that condemns us to drink when we start to live a life on our own, and that it is the first drink that gets us drunk.
[00:05:16]
And once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And then if we're members of Alcoholics Anonymous and we love Alcoholics Anonymous, then AA is the only life to live. We don't condemn whoever lives any other way. That's their business. That's live and let live. But for us in Alcoholics Anonymous, it is the only way. We cannot afford to putting off things that we know need to be done now and try to put them off till tomorrow and then all say to heck with it. And we cannot afford to do anything that will cause us peace of mind later. Now, we may be able to do something today and get away with it. But can we afford to pay the price if we continue to do it and continue to do it?
There's something baffling about the illness that's sobriety. And when we're sober and we continue to do things that we know we ought not be doing and we don't get caught at it for some reason or other, we'll do it again. It's just like lying, you know? You know, once you tell the first lie, it makes the second one easier. And once we start living a lie one day at a time, it makes the next day easier to live that lie. We cannot afford to do anything that will harm others to where we have this deep remorse and this resentment. And we begin to feel sorry for ourselves for once again hurting someone whom we promised that we never would do it again. And so we have to keep our thinking straight and clear.
Now, in Alcoholics Anonymous, we don't have but one enemy. We don't deal with God, we don't deal with people, we don't deal with money, and that's alcohol. And that alcohol is always ready to kill us at the slightest excuse, at the slightest opening. Now, there are many alcoholics who think that after a number of years of sobriety that they're immune to going back to drinking. I'll tell you a story about an alcoholic. He celebrated his 30th birthday on a Friday night. He took his 30th cake. He left that meeting for reasons only known to him.
And he went out and he bought him a box of vodka. He didn't get no one drink. He went out and bought a box. And he started emptying it around the clock. Sunday afternoon, they put him in the hospital. Monday morning, the physician called his family together and said, we're doing all we know in medical science to keep him alive, but he's rejecting all the IVs. I now understand what you people have been telling us all along, and we wouldn't believe you, that the illness is progressive physically. And the following Friday, exactly one week after he celebrated 30 years of continuous sobriety, he died. And they buried him. It took him a week to die after he went back to drink.
Now, probably emotional appeal seldom suffices. And so the argument that will hold and sustain our kind of people must have depth and weight. I've had the unfortunate chore to be a pallbearer of an alcoholic who went back to drinking after 27 years of sobriety, died. Won 19 years and died. Won 23 years and died. And I look there and you say, why? Why? And the reason is very simple. They took that first drink of alcohol. That's the reason. And it killed him. And they had no way to come back because the illness is progressive.
And so it is important that we continue to take personal inventory. Perhaps we find ourselves maybe criticizing some other member's method of staying sober. Instead, let's admire them for doing as good a job, whatever it may be. We in Alcoholics Anonymous sometimes are very, very critical the way psychiatrists and the way medicine handle drunks. I can't be too critical about psychiatrists and about medicine because I lied to every one of them when I was drinking.
I lied to every one of them. And they couldn't help me because I wasn't willing to be honest with them. One day I get a kind of kick out of it. I have my own psychiatrist. He goes to AA meetings with me three times a week. I'm his sponsor. I'm his sponsor. He's something else, that monkey. And so as a result of it, you know, we admire them. If they're staying sober, fine. I have to remember one day at a time that I don't care, you know, if an alcoholic is not drinking, that's the greatest thing in the world for an alcoholic.
[00:10:00]
Now, I think a lot of times that a lot of alcoholics, you know, that are supposedly sober, you know, a lot of times you ask these other people who are running facilities where alcoholics are supposedly staying sober and that want no part of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you ask them, well, where are your recoveries? And you see, if you want to see where the recoveries are in Alcoholics Anonymous, all we have to do is come to me. Here we are, right here. There's a room full of them right now. But where are the rest of them? Have you ever tried to call one of them that's staying sober in the church and not coming to AA at three o'clock in the morning for help? He'd say, I don't want nobody to know I'm an alcoholic. Boom, and hang up. No? Huh? They're right in between.
Or they'll refer you to a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the two. And so let's admire them for what they're doing. Whatever it is, let's live and let live. And you know what, how somebody else is living sober doesn't have anything to do with David staying sober. Doesn't have a thing to do with me staying sober. Perhaps we may resent something that a chairman or a talker has said. I've been in meetings to where they've gotten up en masse and walked out. Forget it. It may be your turn to talk or to chair a meeting for long, and you'll probably offend somebody yourself.
Perhaps maybe we don't think the boss is fast enough. And I have to ask myself, well, how long do I deserve to be advanced or given a raise or this or that that my family should, and a lot of drunks feel that their families don't appreciate the fact that they're staying sober. And you know, I have to tell myself one day at a time, David, you don't deserve to be sober and you don't deserve to be alive and you don't deserve to be out running the streets loose. If you'd have gotten what you deserved, you'd have been electrocuted, locked up and shot and murdered long ago.
And so who are you, David, to criticize or to be asked for something and to start carrying a resentment against it? I'm just real grateful that my problem today is two problems. And that is with people. Number one, they ain't doing what I want them to do. And number two, I'm still having trouble living within my material means. Or in other words, I'm fighting this business and not living off my credit, you know. And because, I don't know, you feel after a while, well, you know, I've been sober, I deserve, you know, a vacation.
And I think I'll go down and I'll see how much I got left on my master charge and run it up a little bit. And then I'll use my Exxon and Shell card and then I'll stay at the Best Western and find out which one they will. Now, I don't know about you, but that's the way this drunk thinks, you know. Now, I don't think about all them bills coming through at the next month, but right now I'm thinking, you know. When we come to know and find an alcoholic synonymous, that material well-being never precedes, it always follows spiritual well-being. In other words, to be able to live. And material well-being to me today means to live within my means.
Now, this list could be prolonged by thousands of words, but the time we've advanced through the tenth step in this way of living, we can recognize what is good for each of us and what is harmful for each of us. And I don't know about you, but I'll tell you what's good for me. That when I am comfortable with the God of my understanding and with you and with people, and I am at reasonable peace with me and everything about me, then that's good for me.
In all the world that is, it's just a nod of the program of approval from within, because here's where the pattern is inside. That's where the living is. But when I'm out of sorts with you, I'm out of sorts with me, and I'm out of sorts with the God of my understanding, and I'm fighting and I'm snarling and I'm resentful and I'm mad and I feel sorry for myself, and that's what's bad for me. Now, what's bad for me, as I say, may not be bad for you, and what's good for me may not be good for you. But I've found finally what is good for me and what is bad for me.
And so we have to take time, check up, and if we're doing as good a job, well, we really don't have to worry about it. Now, a lot of times we review ourselves, and we find ourselves off the beam, and a lot of AA groups and a lot of AA facilities, they have off the beam, on the beam charts, and this is an uncomfortable spot for an alcoholic to be, because we usually go off into tangents. And a correction is possible if we can realize our danger when our inventory is about this far. And this is where our daily inventory is vital to us. Now, I'd like to talk about a few of the, some of the off the beam conditions that seem to occur. Number one, some of us temporarily forget that we're alcoholics, and we temporarily forget that our lives are unmanaged.
And we temporarily forget that our lives are unmanageable, and we think we've got it made and that we'll never take another drink as long as we live, and then we start missing AA meetings.
[00:15:12]
Well, I've gone to meetings in that group for years. I haven't had a drink. I think I'll just, you know, I'll just stop missing, just quit going to them. Same old people, same old stories, same old goonies. Stop reading and studying the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've read it two times. That's enough, you know. I need something more than. And after all, now that I am not going to AA meetings, I've got to get worldly so I can sit around and talk with the people at the Rotary Club and the Lions Club and the Bible Sunday School class afterwards and the picnics and the bowling alley and the domino parlors and around the square.
And after all, they don't know nothing about the big book. So I've got to quit that big book. I've got to get out into the mainstream of living. I got news for you. Between the cover of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's more about living in the mainstream of living for an alcoholic that's ever been put in rent because AA is the most successful fellowship of its kind that has ever hit the face of the earth.
Then we start becoming bored. God, I've got the same old people down there and the same old ones talking about, I've had a bad day today and all this and all that. And you go to them same meetings and the same one says this and the same one says this all the time. And I'm just bored. And then we begin to think, well, we know everything. We become excited over AA's success and we quit trying to contact God. We start losing interest in new members and old members and we say, well, so-and-so is drunk, let him come here and get it like I got it.
I see a lot of members of AA I don't want like they got it. And like they have it. And the new one will say about the older member who's having trouble, he ought to know better. Equity, you know. Right there and then we miss the great thing in Alcoholics Anonymous. The older member needs this program today more than the one that's brand new. I don't know about you, but everything I have today is brand new. And I drink, I lose it all.
Because I've been away from alcohol, I know this now. Yes, I can go out and take a drink. But I know in my mind that if I do, I'll never sober up again. Because I was darn near dead when I got here over 13 years ago. And have no reason to believe and I've buried too many and seen what's happened. And I believe what experience tells me in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's how I've been restored to sanity. And I pray that I stay sane in that thinking one day at a time.
And so we start losing interest in, you know, new members, old members. Feel it's inconvenient to try to help. Oh, here's a good one. We start to pick and choose 12-step calls. Oh, I'm not going down there in that Fleabag Hotel down there. You're liable to get killed. I'm not going down to one of them honky-tonk joints and jerk that drunk out again. Man liable to get his head beat in down there. Now, it's all right when we was drunk laying on them sawdust floors and he was dancing on her face and her navel and everything else. Man, that's living, wasn't it?
Now, I'm not going down there sober. I'll send a new one down there. It'll be good for his experience, you know. We start to allow resentments. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you know, pick and choose. Now, if he's a doctor, call me. I'll go visit with him, you know, or if he's a banker, if he's a lawyer. But I don't want one of them white-socked, barefooted, old-wine, old-sword drunks down there. Nah, mm-mm.
And we start to go easy on the practice of honesty and humility. We allow resentments and intolerance to crawl back in our lives. Oh, how well alcohol likes this type of stinky thinking. And when our inventories disclose that we show any of these conditions, then we are subject to being kicked off again by alcohol unless we can come see the nature that our thinking is getting sour. Our serious problem was, and there will always be, self-centeredness and selfishness. And as we begin to dig deeper, we'll usually uncover a spiritual confusion. And it's right here in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, do we find something? A.A. just throws a wet towel into that enthusiast who thinks he's got it whipped.
When it says that we're not cured of alcoholism, what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition. That by maintaining our spiritual condition one day at a time, it removes the obsession to drink one day at a time, and one day, we're allowed, one day at a time, we're allowed to live sober.
[00:20:06]
And it suggests that we review our illness. Pray and ask for a renewed interest in living sober and thinking sober. Talk A.A. with members and visit the group and come to meetings. Consider our alcoholism arrested but never cured. And the second part of this step, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it, should never be taken lightly. My wife says about me that for me to promptly admit when something is wrong is three months later. But then she's sick too, you know. Recognizing the wrong is not enough. Admitting it by words of direct conversation should follow. And this is a good character conditioner.
So step 10 makes us self-critical, and thus we tend less to criticize others. And it keeps us on the beam when we use our inventory for the right purposes. We do not make a joke out of our lives. It is suggested in A.A. that we check ourselves thoroughly to make real progress because we owe it to God, we owe it to ourselves, and to our families. In A.A., we must think sober if we're going to live sober. It'll keep us in good standing.
I believe there's one danger to avoid, however, in this step. When we start looking at our faults, we might concentrate too much on our progress and say, well, I'm not really that bad anymore. Look after all. I haven't had a drink and I've celebrated a couple of years or nine months or three years or ten years. My family is reasonably happy. The kids talk to me. The dog jumps in my lap. They don't holler at me too much. Getting along pretty good on the job. And so we start concentrating on our progress. And we fall in what we call spiritual selfish pride. And we start taking a lot of the credit for ourselves.
And then procrastination or putting things off that we need, we know, we need to do, we begin to set in. And then when this happens, we will begin to think, and we won't start, you know, promptly admitting when we're wrong. And when this happens, we'll begin to think the other person was at fault. And then resentment sets in against that other person and grows and grows, such as discontentment, negative thinking, and neglect of prayer, and then the thought a little drink might lift our spirits, remember.
I used to be bad about criticizing my youngsters. I used to be bad about it. And I don't know if I told you or not about that youngster of mine, that oldest one, when he was 15 years of age. He wanted to kill me with a butcher knife for what I was doing to his mother. And if I could have gotten up off the floor, I'd have beat that boy to death. And yet, a few weeks prior, summers or two prior to that, he went to visit his uncle in Denver. And he left, beautiful youngster with crew-cut haircut, clean, square t-shirt that comes up to your neck, freshly starched Levi's, white athletic socks, penny loafers, just like a clean-cut little all-American boy needs to look like.
And he spent the summer, and he come back home in September, and God, he had a head of hair out to here. It could have rained, and he never got up water, never got on his shoulders, navels, or his toes. And he come in there, and he had on one of them body shirts with some obscene thing across the front. And he had on them tight shrunk jeans and them ultra-tight drawers that they wear, you know. And he didn't have any socks on, he had them Jesus shoes on. And every time his foot would hit the floor, his toes would thump like a gourd, you know. And he come in there with both hands in his pocket, hi-ho, daddy-o, you know.
And I, if I could have gotten off that couch, I'd have beat him to death, I don't mind telling you. And I just berated that youngster till it was pitiful. And yet after I got sober, I had to stop and realize, who was I to criticize him for going without any socks in his hair long? Because I'd been in the same clothes for six-and-a-half months when I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And many a time, I never had a haircut. And I was in one mission one time, in one drying-out joint to where they sober you up on bay rum and wine and a feet of barbitaure suppositories.
He ain't lived, he'd have been in one of them places. Yeah, that's just a skid row joint, that's all. And I had to remember that they had to cut my shoes off because I hadn't had any socks on, been wearing the same shoes for eight months. Who was I to criticize another human being for being dirty? It's only natural, you know, that we look at our children and our loved ones, and even with a drunk, working with a drunk, and if we could just squeeze them and say, shake them and say, can't you see what's happening to them? But that's not the way it is.
[00:25:05]
You see, if we hadn't had the freedom to drink and think that we could beat the game, we never would have had the freedom to want to get sober. And so each of us have to hit our own bottom. But it's only natural as parents to want to make it easier so that the children won't suffer. And it darn near killed me because my mother and father did everything in this world to make it easier for me so I wouldn't have to suffer like they did when they grew up, and they darn near put me in the grave. But they didn't know what they were doing, and I can't fault them for it.
And so, and as a result, we begin to think the other person I said was at fault. Now, the daily use of Step 10 will keep us in good standing, and I believe that Step 10 is in the right place right before it gets to Step 11 because Step 10 is a people-removing step. It removes me from me and me from you. And so that then I can turn to the God of my understanding with a clear channel. And brings us to Step 11, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
Well, you know, this is one of the most difficult steps for me to communicate with members of Alcoholics Anonymous because this is a highly personal step. There's no way in the world that I'll be able to understand the way you understand God any more than you can understand the way I understand Him because our minds won't travel that fast or quick. But each of us profess that we have enough that keeps us sober and keeps us reasonably happy.
Now, we may say when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous, what have I had to meditate about? Well, this will be answered in a very few days after one has become associated with AA. Because for the first time in our lives, we are giving of ourselves, and for the first time in our lives, we will find that good is being repaid with good. Number one, the first thing, we're waking up in the morning with a reasonable clear head. Now, I have the greatest spiritual awakening anybody has every morning in Alcoholics Anonymous. Sober. I'm on the pot and steady in it. And that's a tremendous awakening for a drunk like me. You betcha. And then we will not be tortured by the fears of what we did the night before.
We have to run out and see if the car is in the garage or in the neighbor's bushes. Or down the street. And if it is, is it all in one piece? Is there blood on it? How many more dicks we got? You know? And people will go out of their way to begin to be cordial and kind and helpful. And happiness begins to shine in the faces of our loved ones. And then as we live sober and we become reasonably free of fear one day at a time, this adds to our contentment and our happiness. And then we find that there's no reason to dodge into alleys now and crossing streets to avoid moral and physical predators. And then we're beginning to have some sort of a power to help others. A desire to.
And surely we have much to meditate on. And then when we meditate on this new way of living, we do not realize that there is a God above guiding us through each successive day and night. And as we become more conscious of this, then we will better be able to understand this guiding power. And before long, we find it becomes easier to pray. But if it doesn't come easily, don't let it worry you. Because even churchmen today will admit that prayer as we commonly hear it, is praised in languages as stilted and archaic, the thee and the thou form, which has been used ever since the days of the King James, which is the present version of the Bible was written.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, it's not necessary to quote from that to live sober. If we don't like it or you don't care for it, well, we don't have to use it. You see, it's not difficult to say before retiring, thank you, God, for keeping me sober today. Nor is it difficult to say in the morning, please, God, guide me in this path of sobriety and peaceful and useful living in this coming day. The second thing that I was told when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, over 13 years ago, the first thing I was told, don't take that first drink one day at a time. The second thing I was told is you go make you baby drink.
The second thing I was told is you go make you, David, a contact or a contract for the power grid in your cell.
[00:30:05]
And I don't particularly care for lawyers, and contract smells of lawyerism, so I just went home and made me a contact. And I said, they said make a contact, and they said to talk to you, and I'm going to talk to you, and by God, I'm going to see whether you do it. And I'm still there seeing if he's going to do it within a day's time, and I ain't had a drink. And I know he'll do it. And so the God that I understand to be is different from the one that I understood when I took the third step.
The God that I took when I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to care of God as I understood him, I understood that if I'll do that and do the program as a result of it, that this God, if I will seek him, will do for me what I couldn't do for myself. And as I come through the steps, I come to find out that God is doing for what I couldn't do for myself. And so the God that I understand today, I know that if I will talk to him through prayer and meditation to improve this conscious contact in my relationship with this God, in praying only for knowledge of his will for me and to keep me, and to give me the power to carry out his will one day at a time, that God is doing it.
And it's turned out to be true. And after all, this is the only thing we're looking for when we get sober is the truth. The truth about ourselves, the truth about our relationship with our creator, and the truth about our lives with the rest of the kids. And there's nothing else in this world but that. And this is what makes Alcoholics Anonymous the great fellowship that it is, as we have so much fun with each other.
And so, and I don't know how many of you realize that the 11th step in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous starts at night. Doesn't start in the morning when you get up. Starts at night. Comes right after the 10th step. It starts at night. I don't know about you, but my day starts exactly right as the clock turns right past 12 midnight. That's when my calendar day starts. But I'm one of these kind that if I ain't sleeping sober, I ain't gonna wake up sober.
If I don't go to bed sober, I ain't gonna wake up sober. And so I get up in the morning, so I used to have a lot of problems with this, and I'll get into it in a few minutes. And so, you see, we make our talks with this guiding power a personal thing. And so we are addressing someone we trusted emphatically. It is our security that counts, not the form or the kind of a language that we use. Because, you see, if this be the case, then the illiterate are someone who hasn't had but just a little education.
Couldn't stay sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, couldn't they? You see, ours is the only really free society left in this world today. To where you come in, there are no rules, there are no regulations, there are no fees, there are no dues. We got two authorities. Alcoholics, we understand it. God, we understand it. And one heals and one kills. And so we don't have to have a human being to put the handles on fire to tell us we can't or cannot or can't, yack, yack.
And this allows us to be free people. And so it's our security that counts, not the form or the language we use. And it's suggested that we are certain that the God to whom we pray to and with will make it easier for us to work out and live our sobriety and our salvation. And I have a suggestion, if you're having trouble staying sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, I suggest you get you another guy. You get you a sober guy and start talking with him.
And I used to have a lot of problems going to sleep at night. Oh, I'd lay there and I'd lay there and man, judgments were coming in and out the windows and sheriff's deputies and constables were chasing me. My wife would run in and say, there's another one on the phone looking for you and blah, blah this and blah, blah that. And you mean to tell me you're still in this kind of hot water now you've been sober and all this.
And I still get letters reminding me of what I did, you know. And I'd lay there and God, and I couldn't sleep. And I'd get up and I used to smoke cigars, a lot of them. And then I'd go make me a chicken sandwich and then I'd drink another cup of coffee, smoke another cigar, run around the backyard a couple of times and couldn't sleep and jump up and go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom one night so many times, the last time I just stood there, you know.
And God, and just couldn't sleep and couldn't sleep and things were bothering me and worrying me. And then I finally dozed off about 5.30 and the alarm clock would go off at 6.30 for me to get up and I was in no shape mentally nor physically to go to work. And I'd try to go to sleep and I'd call them all to say, I'm sick, I got the headache and the backache, the sinuses are bothering me.
[00:35:04]
And I wasn't getting any rest. And one night I picked up the book that I was about to put on me and lo and behold it always, for some reason or another, for me when I opened it up it turned right to something that I need to read. And the solution to what was the problem. And it said before retiring that night, it is suggested that we ask ourselves these questions. Have I been resentful this day? Have I been selfish this day?
Have I been dishonest this day? And have I been a traitor? And did I fail to talk over something with someone this day that needed talking out? And I've been doing that now. Now I used to read the 24-hour book and I found that after a while you read it, somebody else's prayer, somebody else's meditation, I wasn't comfortable. Now I don't mock the 24-hour book, I certainly don't. I certainly don't. But I'm talking about David.
And I wasn't comfortable and they said get comfortable and talk to this God of your understanding. And I talked to him just like I talk to you. I cleaned the language up, you know. But I talked to him just like I talk to you. And so I started asking myself those five questions. And I've been doing it now going over 12 and a half years. And I think my problem's out before my head hits the pillow. And I've been doing it now for 12 and a half years.
And every night I ask him the same question to me. And I said, God, you be with me. Have I been resentful this day? And for 12 and a half years I say, yes, I have. Have I been selfish this day? And for 12 and a half years I say, yes, I have. Have I been dishonest today? Because if I've been resentful and I've been selfish, I have been dishonest. I say, yes, I have been dishonest this day. And if I've been resentful and if I've been selfish and I've been dishonest, there's been a little fear in there.
Yes, I've been a little afraid today. David, did you tell anybody about this, this sobering alcoholism? No, I should have. And for 12 and a half years I've been guilty on every one of them. But you know what? When I get through, I look up and say, thank you, friend. And you know what? God says, okay, kid. And he kisses me on the forehead and he says, good night, kid. And I'll see you in the morning.
And now the only time I get up now is to go to the bathroom. And I have a good night's sleep. I started thinking myself my problems out before my head hit the ceiling as I looked at my day. And I said, I've done all I can do today. Tomorrow's a new day. God, if you allow me to wake up in the morning, I'll see if I can't do a better job. Thank you and I love you. You're above all allowing me to stay sober this day.
And in the morning when I get up and before my feet hit the ground, I say, good morning, Heavenly Father. My name is David A. and I'm an alcoholic and I'm reporting in. And only with your help can I stay sober. And if there's someone that needs help this day, I ask that you give me the power and the strength and above all the clarity for another human being to be an instrument of your will this day.
And then I get up and go about my business because I'm one of these guys that sit there and meditate and pray more than two minutes and I go back to sleep. And then I go ahead and I shave and I get ready. And then when I get in my car, that's when I talk to him. Because it takes me about 22 minutes to drive that 12 miles during freeway traffic. And I never turn the radio on. I can't tell you if the hostages are still in the van.
I can't tell you if Mount Helena is busted loose again. Can't tell you if the Rangers or the Cowboys or the Astros won. Can't tell you how Carter, Reagan, or anybody else is doing. I just talk to him. And I'm driving down that freeway 50 miles an hour and some idiot cuts in front of me. I said, God, there's another one of your seconds. You take care of going about the business. And we talk about how good it is to be alive and sober.
And the things, and when I get there, it makes me, you know, be there when I need you. And go on about the business doing it. And then when I get to my office, I'm in a pretty good frame of mind. I didn't know that it was 105 or whatever it was until I come driving in today and I heard it on the radio. You know, that drives a lot of people up the wall. And then I got to thinking, you know, have you ever been in high fives in the city jail in Dallas and there ain't no fan and there ain't no windows and there ain't nothing but just them steel walls and bars and it's 108 outside and 130 on the inside and there are 40 of you and there are two at the same time.
[00:40:03]
Now that's hot. That's hot. You know, that's hot. And God, that's cool, 108 compared to that, you know. And so I don't know about you, and I believe all of us, we have a lot to be grateful for, a lot to be thankful for. And so the whole purpose of gratitude and thankfulness in the Recovery Program of Alcoholics Anonymous is to remind us of that and that does more of the program to keep us sober than anything else in the world because we don't start taking ourselves that seriously.
And it's suggested that the only thing we take serious is the program. When we start taking our own self serious, we're in trouble. And so as a result of it, and it's a wonderful deal, and now this brings us all to that goody, Step 12. Oh, man, everybody today said, oh, Step 12, you know, that's a lot of fun, working with drunks. Hmm. And you get to work with a drunk, you know, and you get to sponsor him, chasing him all over the country, and you're snatching him in and out of these joints, out of the bootlegger and out of the jail and out of the nut house down in Terrell and everywhere else, and out of the recovery house, and you drag him into A, and he gets drunk and everything else, and finally the little drunk gets sober and he celebrates the year, you know, and his wife's there and the kids are there, and they call you a sponsor and you get up and you grin like, you know, fine A.
And then about nine months later, the little drunk comes to you and he says, you know, I found somebody else, by God, that I believe knows more about drugs than you, and I can communicate with them better than you, and I've asked them and I'm replacing them, I'm replacing you with them as my sponsor. Oh, if you think that's not deflation of ego, the first time that happens to you, and you say, after all I've done for that monkey, he couldn't even buy a bugler.
I gave him cigarettes, and gave him money, and got him his first shoe, and got him some old packed-up inner-shoes, and got him an old junk car, got him a job, even got him parole to me, not gratitude cards, you know. Oh, but oh, is that deflation of ego? Oh, it certainly is. And so the step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics in the practice.
These principles in all our affairs. A lot of members of the Alcoholics in Arms confuse the 12 steps with the 12th step, and with 12 stepping. Through the first 11 steps, we've come far. And so the time now comes that we carry on the work. Now, it doesn't mean that we haven't been carrying on the work up to now. But up to now, once we've come through the 11th step, we've got a total program to communicate with another human being.
Because we owe it to what? We owe it to the God of our understanding. If you want to call it, owe it. We have to owe it to our group, to our own sobriety, to carry the blessings of AA, to other alcoholics in need. Now, we'll be asked to call on a prospective member. We suggest don't lose any time in doing so. You say, well, what do I tell them? We tell our folks. We tell them what AA is doing for us, and what AA is doing for others.
Now, you may think that you're too new. But we remember that the one you're calling on is a lot newer. Even if he's been only sober one day, he'll look at you as a veteran. And then if you work with enough drunks and full on, you're going to have an AA baby of your own. And then we're really going to have something to live for. We'll worry about him. We'll try to keep sober for him. We'll get to hold his wife's hand while she cries, oh, what am I going to do?
We'll guide him to the best of our ability. And we'll almost suffer with him as they come out of their alcoholic fog. And in doing this, what happens? We're giving of ourselves. And then we begin to find new joy in living. We have to remember that the more we put into AA, the more we're going to get out of it. The harder we work, and there's steps in our lives, and allow them to work rather in our lives.
And the more AA activities we get into, the easier will be our road to sober living. Now, there may be a reason for missing a meeting, but there's not an excuse. We don't have to make excuses anymore if we don't do anything or rationalize or apologize for anything we do anymore. And there may be a reason for not helping another human being, but there's no excuse when asked to. A lot of times, we can't just run off to the job to make a 12-step call.
But it doesn't mean that we can't carry numbers with us and pick up the phone and call someone and say, Hey, I'm tied up right now. Will you make it? And as soon as I get through, I'll see if I can get there or get someone else to sit with the drunk. And we have to remember in mind that our alcoholism… And we have to remember in mind that our alcoholic problem is the first thing in our life. We're not drinking today, we don't have a drinking problem, but we still have an alcoholic problem.
[00:45:05]
And I consummate that problem one day at a time by living the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with a limited amount of my experience up to this moment. And come in a meeting and be willing to share me with anyone who asks when they ask and to work with drunks. And above all, to read that book so that I know that I'm on my safe road map at all times. Because you see, we have to remember that our alcoholic problem is the first thing in our life.
It comes before everything and anything else. Without sobriety, we'll have nothing, no family, no job, no friends. We'll probably have no sanity and we'll probably lose life itself. And so we have to share this life with others. It repays us thousands and thousands and thousands of times over. And it says practice these principles in all our affairs. Well, I had a lot of trouble practicing these principles in all my affairs.
And I went to my sponsor and I said, I'm having trouble practicing these principles in all my affairs. And he said, David, you will always have trouble practicing these principles in all your affairs until you cut out some of your affairs. And so when I cut out some of my affairs, it made practicing the principles and the ones that were necessary. It brought them right down to where you either do or you don't face the consequences.
The 12 steps are things that we just don't go through once. You know, give them a lick and then forget them. And there's principles for living that we live. We have to remember that as an alcoholic, we're but one drink away from drunkenness again. But to me, that means more important. But as an alcoholic, that one drink takes away the two most precious things that I have today to use. And I can only keep them in the manner in which I'm willing to give them away.
And that is, number one, sobriety, and number two, the God of my understanding. And number three, youth. And if I take a drink, that separates me from sobriety, it separates me from God, and it separates me from youth. With no assurance that I'll ever get those three back. Roll that around your head a little bit. And so we have to remember that we're totally dependent upon God of our understanding.
That means that if everybody in the group gets drunk, doesn't mean I gotta get drunk too. If everybody in AA gets drunk, doesn't mean I gotta get drunk. If AA falls apart, I've got a book and I know where to go get drunk. You see? That is the thing that's so important, I believe. And we have to remember that if only through gratitude we must help others. And if any time we're in trouble, pick up and read the 12 steps.
Usually we can find… And you know where the problem usually will be? The last half of the first step. That our lives have become unmanageable. And an unmanageable life is trying to manage a situation that ain't got no business managing it. That's all. Now, you know, this is the only step in the program that the wording in the step was changed after the big book was put in print. In the first 5,000 copies of the big book of Alcohol is Not Big read, or the original big book, this step used to read, having had a spiritual experience as a result of these steps.
And so every little alcoholic that came into AA felt they had to have a spiritual experience. And the only spiritual experience that the drunks in those days knew anything about was in Bill's story in the book. Where Bill was laying in town's hospital and he had what we call in AA Bill's hot flesh. Where lightning comes down and kicks him in the rear end and he raises up about that high and then he, there's a cool breeze comes through the wind and he settles back, you know, down and the obsession to drink left him.
Well, the drunk thought that unless they had that kind of an experience that they couldn't be sober and be a real member of AA. Well, I'll tell you. If you drank whiskey and took Psychonauts at the same time like I did, I had hundreds of them kinds of experiences. And so a lot of drunks went out and got drunk again in order to qualify. And that was back in the days when Bill was still pious and talking about his hot flesh.
And Bill run up on old Doc Silkworth and he was whacking at Silkworth and he said, I can't get anybody to take the bait. And Silk, he said to him, Bill, quit preaching to the boys about this spiritual thing you've got. Quit preaching to the drunks. Just tell them you're sober. He said, but I'm not being successful. He says, just drink whiskey. Go look in the mirror. Are you sober? Then you're looking at a success.
Just keep on trying. And that's where the wording came. We tried to carry the message. And that's where Bill got the idea. We tried to carry the message. And so, after a while, it was changed in the step, as we now know it, having had a spiritual awakening.
[00:50:02]
If one does read Appendices 2 in the back of the book about Wallace Anonymous, it discusses spiritual experience and spiritual awakening. And believe it or not, you know, spiritual experience may bring to mind something supernatural, perhaps lightning flashing, thunder resounding. Now, certain spiritual experience is extremely uncommon in alcoholics' minds. That is comparison to the amount of members that we have.
Perhaps maybe three or four score out of hundreds of thousands in AA have actually experienced it. But for most of us, it's a slow process. For the average person. And as the Appendices 2 in the back of the book says, that the awakening is of the educational variety. That we learn the aspects slow, one day at a time. Because, you see, we're inclined to confuse spirituality with dogma, religion, theology, creed, and ritual.
We have to remember that most of us in this room are pretty new to this useful, decent way of living. So, we live the spiritual principles of the program one day at a time. And I believe we can remember one simple thing, that the entire structure of AA is built on love. Now, the word love has many synonyms, such as charity, grace, goodwill, tenderness, generosity, kindness, tolerance, sympathy, mercy, and many, many others.
Now, when we help a fellow being, when we are kind to one another, we are performing a completely spiritual act. And so, when we work with each other, we are performing a spiritual act. You know, isn't it amazing how many families will look at us? And how many strangers will look at us and say, Mr. Soberdrunk or Miss Soberdrunk, why isn't it that you can't be as selflessly helpful at home, and on the job, and out in the public as you are with the drunks that you work with in AA?
And this brought to mind me about an experience with my oldest son. He was down at the University of Texas, and he came home one weekend, and we got into one of those violent arguments. And he slammed the door, and before he did, he said, You're just like you were when you were drinking, but you're not drinking, but I'm not coming home anymore. I'm not coming home for any of the holidays. I'm not coming home.
And he went in his room, and he closed the door. And that bothered me. My wife had been an outlaw long enough to keep her mouth shut, didn't say one word either way. And that's spiritually helpful to another human being. So I picked up the book, and I'll be darned if it didn't fall in. It says, you know, to the family afterwards, and it says when you have a breakdown in a relationship, one is demanding too much, and the other is accused of not giving enough.
And I said, My God, I could sit on both sides of the phone. And I thank God for the people that were sober and alcoholics anonymous that suggested I buy that book. I never would have read the line if I never had come to AA. Never would have. What's in that book is not compatible for a drunk to read when he's drinking. This is what you miss when you think you're going to go find something more than what's in that book.
Yeah, when you have a breakdown in a relationship, one is demanding too much, and the other is accused of not giving enough. Next morning I walked, I knocked on the door. He said, Who is it? I said, Me. He said, What do you want? I said, Would you let me come in? And I went in, and he said, What do you want? I said, Son, I need to talk to you, but I don't know how to talk to you. Will you help me talk with you?
And he said, Daddy, he said, Why don't you share you with me and allow me the freedom to share me with you just like you share yourself with those drunks, and you allow those drunks to tell you how they feel, and you allow yourself, and they allow you to tell you how you feel. The drunk is a human being, isn't he? I'm a human being. My God darn near missed it, didn't he? Communication starts in alcoholics' minds with each other.
The willingness to confide. The willingness to share. The willingness to talk about what's bothering us, and our feelings, and not get mad. And stomp off. And I tell you, that started a communication with that young man today that is the greatest thing in this God's world. He doesn't call me father, he calls me daddy. And I'd have missed it, you see. If I'd have strayed away from the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and wanted to go get something more than what this program offers, I never would have gotten it.
[00:55:08]
Society says beat him on the head, run him off, send him to a psychiatrist, psychologist, let him smoke a little pot to clear his head. AA says that when you have a breakdown in a relationship, one is accused of demanding too much, and the other is accused of not giving enough. That's all. Gets it down to the simple basics. And so if we can start with a simple, we're selflessly helpful when we help another human being.
And if we can start with a simple explanation, then the green light has been flashed on. And after all, we're not but two great commandments. That's to love God, and to love your neighbor as yourself. You know, if we don't love God, how are we going to love a neighbor? And that's the only way in Alcoholics Anonymous we find how to love our own self, and how we love the God of understanding, and how we love our neighbor.
I don't know any other way, do you? Now what we don't understand, we really don't have to worry about. It all becomes clear in a little while. You know, if anything puzzles any of us, all we have to do, and this goes for the members that have been sober many, many years, we just talk to another older member. And they will likely straighten us out, and sometimes we pretty well know what it means. And you know, working with drunks is a lot of fun, there's no question about it.
And the mechanics of working with an alcoholic comes with touch and feel. Some you talk to quietly, and some you have to holler at a little bit, and some you have to cuss at, and some you have to get a baseball bat and beat them in the head to get their attention. You know, it's a touch and feel, and when you work with a drunk it's just like boxing. You know, you keep them off balance at all times.
Because if they ever get a punch in, if they ever find a weakness in the crack in your armor or a chink, they eat you up alive. And there's nothing that a drunk that's drinking would like to do is to tear down a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. And I like to share my drunks, and I take drunks with me when I go on a 12-step call, and particularly new ones. And I'll tell you the reason.
You go in with a drunk, he's drinking, you know, and you walk in, there's two more, two more, and naturally the older member's going to take over, you know. And the drunk will finally say, well how long has it been since you had a drink? And I tell them, say, oh you don't know nothing about drinking. And they'll turn to that younger, the new one, how long has it been since you had a drink? And the new one says, I've been sober two days.
And you know what that drinking drunk says? How'd you do it? Because you see, it's closer to where he is. And I believe that where I experience this is great. And I'm going to share a 12-step call with you, and show you what I did wrong. And you'll understand. I made a call on a drunk, and I don't know if y'all are familiar with these La Quinta motels. And you know they've got a Spanish-Mexican motif in there, and I was in, I went and called on this drunk, he'd been there three weeks.
And God, he's drunker than a hammer. And I went in there, and I gave him an AA pitch that made the Gettysburg address seem like a kindergarten thing, and it never fazed that drunk. He said, huh? And I was out of soap. And then I looked up on the wall, and there was a Mexican riding a jackass. I looked at that drunk in the bed, and I said, say, when's the last time that jackass has been in bed with you?
Drunk raised up, said, what do you know about that? I said, if I be in a bed where you are as long as you were, the Mexican and the jackass have been in bed with me for two weeks. And he got up, he says, you mean that happened to you? You see, I was trying to bring him from where he was to where I am right this moment, couldn't do it. And yet, I had the same experience that he had laying in there, and I wasn't communicating how he was then and how he felt.
About his family, about his job, and above all, being drunk and not knowing where he is. And his fear and remorse and everything else. This is where the great power of society lies. And so the next object, get that drunk up out of the bed. And we learn a lot of other things in there, get something down him so he can get some peace. And start getting him moving and walking. And moving around. Now this takes some sitting, and this takes some, you do it in teamwork.
This is where the power of society lies. I'll tell you about another 12-step call. I got a call one time from a drunk, and I got the address and I went there, and my God, when I rang the doorbell, this woman, she's big enough to be an outside linebacker on any professional football team. And she stood there, and she said, what do you want? And she stood there and she said, what do you want? And I said, I'm David A. from Alcoholics Anonymous.
And she hollered out, he's here. The drunk's in there, she hollered. And I went in there and there he was in his lazy boy, you know, in his kimono,
[01:00:03]
and his chin down on his belly button. And I knew how he felt because I know she'd been gnawing at him for about three or four days. And, you know, and I knew how he was feeling because I've been gnawed at like that. And I said, how are you? How is he drunk that night? Every time I tried, she would answer for him. And he'd just keep that old chin down and wouldn't look up and nothing. And finally, after 15 minutes, she wouldn't let me talk to him.
So I said, do you have a phone? And she said, yes. And I went and dialed my wife. And I said, Grace, I've got one for you. And I went back in and I told the lady, the wife, I said, you're wanted on the phone. And she left the room. And the minute she left the room, that drunk perked up. He said, mister, I don't know who you are or what you do, but if you can get rid of that battleaxe that quick, what I got to do to go with you?
And it wasn't my brilliance or anything else, but just putting myself in his place and he wanted release. He wanted to get pressure off of him, really. You see, there's a lot of conning in working with drunks. And we're the greatest con artists that there is. That man here drunk, he come unshuckled, he's sitting in that meeting, he thought he was going to the movies. You betcha. You ain't lived till you walked around doctored him with feraldehyde and a couple of, we ain't killed a whole bunch of, you know?
And so, and to practice these principles in all our affairs, that is self-explanatory. And this brings us down to total sobriety. That means happy sobriety, calm sobriety, honest sobriety, loving sobriety, willing sobriety, open-minded sobriety, ever using all the principles we've found and discovered in AA and all our affairs, and ever ready and willing to share and to give all we have to whoever asks when we ask.
You know, we've got some paradoxes in AA. What we give away, we retain, and what we lose, we gain, and all that a third. When we die, all we're going to have left is that which we have given away. I want to thank you wonderful members of Alcoholics Anonymous, our non-friends, non-alcoholics, for allowing me to share me with you this month. And you've given far more to me than I could possibly ever give to you.
It means a lot, to my surprise. And if you may be interested, I'll let you in on a little secret. Most of the things that you heard this month was the original format from Group 1 in Akron, and this is the way they used to present the 12 steps at Group 1 to the beginners and to the older members back when AA got started, back right after Dr. Bob and Bill and Bill Bobson, and they started Group 1 in Akron, and they still use this format today.
And it's the only group in the country that basically that the four absolutes are still on the wall, and that's absolute purity, honesty, love, and honesty. Basically love encompasses those other three. And so I just thought I'd let you in on that little clue, you know. And it is a lot of fun, and I want to thank you once again for your kindness and, Bobo, for your attention and for your tenderness and patience.
Thank you very much. Thank you.