Audio
Transcript
Source: DICOBE-00010 – David A – STEP 8 AND 9.mp3 File: dicobe-00010-david-a-step-8-and-9.mp3 Duration: 01:06:06
============================================================
And only because of God's grace and grace of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not found it necessary to nor have I taken a drink of in alcoholic nature. Since April the 20th of 1967, and for this I am so thankful. I want to apologize for being a little late. I like to get here a little early, but we got hung up in one of your fine steak houses, and they must have forgot about us, I think. But anyway, we're all here.
Last week, while we came through the seven steps of Recovery Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and logically this brings us to step eight and nine tonight, and these, to me, these two steps are really the most beautiful steps in Alcoholics Anonymous on a living basis. Because it has to do living with people. And God, I used to have a lot of trouble with that. And step eight made a list of all persons that we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Now, you know, when it says made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all, this sounds like and looks like an impossible job. But we, I think once we find out that after we stay sober, that no matter how well we live or perform, this is one step that we're, we're, we'll really never finish nor complete. Because this becomes now a daily lifetime practice. And I'm one of these that firmly believes in Alcoholics Anonymous that if we get sober, that we make daily amends by staying sober and trying to live the kind of life that their ages simply suggest that we do.
And it's a daily making of amends. And this is a good thing. Because, because we find that after we get sober that if we, in order to enjoy a reasonable peaceful and a reasonable comfortable sobriety, we find that the time now comes where we need to learn how to live with people. And not let people upset us. And not let people get us to the point of where we just get so bad we don't care. And usually, this is Alcoholics Anonymous is where we learn to live with each other to begin with.
Because you see, we are normally people who would not mix. When I was drinking, chances are I wouldn't drink with many of you and you didn't want me around. And we normally didn't mix. And we're all thrown together. And unless we, and this is our workshop. And you know, and this causes more ununity and disunity in groups is because a lot of members are not willing to even live together in a thing that's given us their life back.
And as a result of it, if we're going to live out yonder, to live to where people just don't upset us and let them, if somebody wants to drink, fine, let them drink. If they want to live sober, fine, let them live sober. If they come to AA, fine. If they're living sober some other way, fine. But for us in Alcoholics Anonymous, we find this is the thing. And no matter what anyone does anymore because there's a reason for it, I believe.
And we have, we find out that we have to live, learn how to live with people. And you live with people in your thinking more than anything else in the world. And then if the thinking is AA thinking, then the actions become AA actions. And if we can live the AA way of life, our actions become to where we will automatically, it becomes one and all in the same. Now, if we've made our inventory, as AA suggests that we do, of ourselves, the time now comes to see and to redouble that to see how and how many people we hurt.
Because if we're not willing to do this, Alcoholics Anonymous tells us over and over and over and over again that we are condemned to relive our past life. And if we're going to live this our past life time to stay sober, it is the most miserable kind of sobriety that there is. And all of the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous are designed for a joyful way to live, a comfortable way to live, a way to be free people, free of ourselves and free with others.
And this is the great thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. Because when we start to examine how many people we hurt and reexamining and reopening these old emotional scars, some we have forgotten and some we want to forget. And many of these will look rather painful at first, and they'll feel rather too useless, without any purpose, whatever. But once again, all through our steps at Alcoholics Anonymous are some tools.
Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. These are essentials to our recovery, but they are indispensable. And once again, willingness all the way through, and particularly in this particular step. Now the first thing that will stare us right in the face is the one thing that if we're not willing to enjoy and begin to do sober, and I've had to find this out the hard way, forgiveness.
[00:05:00]
In Alcoholics Anonymous, it is in the forgiving that one is forgiven. It is in the forgiving that one is forgiven. But I went all the way through life, I don't know about anybody in here, if you'll forgive me, I'll shape up. You owe me in a minute. I'll shape up if you, all the buggy things you're doing to me and saying about me. But that's not the way it works in Alcoholics Anonymous. Or in other words, if you want to shorten it down, if there be fault, let it be David.
And let's go about the business of allowing each other to live, and to be free people. And this is the most obstacle, the difficult part, forgiveness. And our emotions start on the defenses just thinking and remembering about our broken relationships with another human being. One of the most dangerous things in the world is for letting an alcoholic sit over a corner and start thinking for himself. Right away, we'll think something bad or we'll either start dreaming them dreams again.
And Alcoholics Anonymous allows us to live in the reality. This is what it did. And by gosh, if I don't start changing my way of life. You know, it's an amazing thing. Anytime we've had a broken relationship with one human being and we've had another broken relationship with another human being, all we have to take is that one broken relationship. Start from the start and go all the way through it.
And then you can match every one of them and they're all the same. They're all the same. Unless, naturally, you kill somebody, or you cut their head off, or physically harmed them, then that's another story altogether. And our emotions will start just thinking, you know, well, you know, and remembering our broken relationships with other people. And so in order to find an excuse to look for and search for the wrongs we've done another, we'll automatically start resenting what he or she has done to us.
Especially sometimes, if that's in the slightest way, that's when I don't have to put them down on my… I don't even have to think about it, you know. I don't even have to be concerned about those people. After all, they acted ugly to me, and if there's anybody going to make any amends in this deal, let them put me on their list and let them come to me. Well, that's not the name in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I hope that maybe what I say tonight, maybe you don't hear a thing, but I hope you hear what I'm about to say. Man, we need to bring ourselves up and chart and always try to remember that when dealing with other people, us alcoholics are not the only ones who are hounded by sick and emotional behavior and screwy behavior. The whole world is full of people who are hounded by sick emotions and screwy behavior, and us alcoholics don't have a lock on it.
But we'll use it for an excuse. You know, sometimes they'll say, why are you crazy? And you'll go up to a drunk, why are you acting so crazy? Well, I'm supposed to because I'm an alcoholic. You know, why are you fighting with your wife? I'm supposed to because I'm an alcoholic, you know. Well, us alcoholics are not the only ones that are hounded by sick emotions and screwy behavior. The whole world is full of, you know.
We're not the… And many times we were dealing with people who were hounded by sick emotions and screwy behavior. Thank God for alcohol. They're full. Their membership is total. Of family members, those who are a blood kin and emotionally attached, that were hounded by sick emotions and screwy behavior. We have to constantly remember and try not to forget that our actions and behavior when drinking and a lot of times our actions and behavior when sober have aggravated the defects of others.
We have time after time after time strained the patience of our best friends to the snapping point, and we brought out the worst in those who didn't think much. Some of them didn't think much of us to start with, but many times we're dealing with fellow sufferers, people whose troubles we have increased. So if we're now about to ask for forgiveness for ourselves, why then shouldn't we begin by forgiving them one and all?
Because if I'm not willing to forgive them, I'm going to start thinking about that they owe me something. And we hear it a lot of times in alcoholics. They read a preface in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I don't know if you read it here or not, that we owe a debt. Well, how do you owe a debt to a gift if the gift is free? If we in turn don't live the gift and then give it away for free, then we're putting a condition, we're putting a price tag on that thing.
No, sir. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't owe me anything, and I don't owe anything. This is a gift. If I don't just take it because it's a gift, it's a gift. And a gift is a free gift with no strings attached. The good Lord has always loved me, and I believe he loved every one of us. Trouble is, we just wouldn't let him do it. That's all. And he never took it awkward. He didn't say to any of us when we come through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, no, you cannot have Alcoholics Anonymous.
You cannot have this way of life, this miracle, because you have been bad.
[00:10:04]
You have been ugly. You've stayed drunk, and you got into trouble. If this be the case then, then 90% of us have to get up and leave right quick, wouldn't we? We couldn't stay at Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know. He loves us just as much when we're out there in them bushes and them weeds as we are right here. But the trouble is, at that time, we were not in a mental condition to see it or to hear it.
That's all. That's all. Now, he wants us today sober, but he doesn't want us to drag all that dirt along with us, so he gives us a way to shed that dirt one day at a time. And by shedding of the dirt, we just become just a little bit better people one day at a time. And we start to list the people whom we have harmed, or thinking about them. Most of us will run into another tough obstacle. And we're going to get a rather stiff awakening or shock when we realize that, man, we're getting ready.
I'm going to have to go make face-to-face admission of my conduct to some people that we've hurt. Sure, and you know, and I had to put people down on my list who told me that, when I was drinking, they said, don't you ever show up around here again. If you come up anywhere near I am, if there's a gun available, I'm going to go get it. I'll shoot you. And if I'm driving a car and you're walking on the street and I see you, I'm going to run over you with a car, even if you're on the sidewalk.
Doesn't make any difference. You're going to just get out of my life. Get out of my life. You know what the old habit was and is? That would be the first one you want to go with. Well, thank God Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me one thing. It gave me a new set of ears. And today, when somebody says, leave, I pack up and I just go. Now, the old way, the old way was what? Well, why do you want me to leave?
Give me a reason. Just give me a reason. Come on, give me a reason. There has to be a reason. Why do you want me to leave? I said leave. Well, I want to know. I said leave or I'll throw you out. And depending on what shape of state I was in, if I was drinking, if I was unsteady of balance, I'd make a wild swing at them and then they'd take me out feet first, you know? And if I was just feeling just right, I'd bust them real good, you know?
Depending on how my equilibrium was at the time, or how fast or slow. But now, if someone says, I don't want to talk to you, you just walk away. You know? Walk away. Thank you. That's all it took. But that's not easy sometimes. Because, you see, we still carry our old ways. I wonder why he doesn't like me. I wonder why she doesn't like me. Well, the reason is they just don't. That's all. And so we're going to get a…
I got to go. I'm going to have to go to some people. It says, became willing to make amends to them all. Don't say you run out and do it. And then the next step is the way that we do it. Sure, it was embarrassing. When, in confidence, I admitted these things to God, to myself, and another human being. But now the thought of facing face-to-face or even writing to those people concerned certainly doesn't look like the most pleasant thing to do.
Particularly when I remember how so many of them despised us. Now, in some instances, there are going to be some that doesn't even know or were not even aware that we had even hurt or damaged them. And if we're not careful, we'll clutter up our list. You know, the business of alcoholics and others, we write just enough. And if we write just enough honestly about us or look at ourselves or think just enough about ourselves, it brings out those things.
Many alcoholics, you know, will spend days and weeks writing inventories and days and weeks writing lists and miss the whole point and live it. And live and soak it. And then we say, well, why in the dickens do I even have to go to those people at all? Well, these and other ways in which our own defects of character, like fear, combined with our own selfish pride, blocks the way in making a list of all persons that we have harmed.
You know, some of us start to rationalize, you know, and drink it. I never did hurt anybody but myself. We rationalized, well, I never drank at home. My mother, father didn't see me. My wife didn't see me. My kids didn't see me. Well, if you're like me, I didn't drink at home either, but they didn't see me for six or seven months at a time. Or we kept our bills current. Our families didn't suffer financially.
And because we were usually at work or on the job, our jobs, businesses, our business associates didn't suffer. There's many alcoholics today that are killing, that their fellow employers are killing them. The lead men, supervisors, are killing them because they're covering for them while drinking. And as long as I had somebody to cover for me while I was drinking, I never had to face my problem of trying to make a living honestly.
And being honest, making a living, to living honestly. And being honest, making a living today for David is don't drink, and
[00:15:02]
then take and use these principles that demand that I be fair to the best of my limited experience with all whom I come in contact with one day at a time. And some of us were even foolish enough to believe that our personal reputations didn't serve us because we were absolutely sure that only a few knew about a drinking, you know, and only those we drank with, and surely they wouldn't tell us. Well, you know, alcoholics, not all, but most alcoholics suffer from another illness, and that's called Black Card Fever. If nobody knew where we were, we'd pick up the phone and call them. Two, three o'clock in the morning, you know. And if we thought the country wasn't running right, we'd pick up the phone and call the White House. And after all, you know, we used to reason that everybody's entitled to a good drunk or two or three, and these we could usually apologize for. And this attitude, we call it the typical end result of trying to forget on purpose. Well, it's good to forget them, but if we don't have a plan of action in which we can't still remember the way we live, once again, when we try to live sober, we're back in that same old trap again and can't understand why. And I'll tell you, having broken relationships with another human being whilst not drinking is more painful than anything else in this world in living with people. You betcha. Particularly when the principles are here. And we've got some steps that are preceding these two steps. That usually is the hang-up, believe it or not, in that type of a situation. Now, in many instances, we'll find that the emotional harm we've caused our own selves will be far greater than the harm that we have caused or done to others.
Some of our deep and sometimes forgotten emotional battles, they've given our emotions such a violent twist that may have completely discolored our lives, and for the worse. Now, although the purpose in AA, I believe, of making restitutions to others is of prime importance, sure it is just as necessary for us to dig out from this examination of ourselves every scrap of information about ourselves and understand the fundamental difficulties arising from our personal relations with others. Unmanageable relations and broken relations with another human being have nearly always been the immediate cause of our problems, including our alcoholism.
And no area of investigation could give us a more satisfying reward than this one. And when you have a breakdown in a relationship, what happens? We lose communication. Now whether we stop realizing it or not, we're in the communication business in alcoholics' knowledge. This is where we learn to communicate with each other. Right here is where we learn to communicate. We learn to communicate with the right of our understanding. We learn to communicate with people. And what else is there in the world? And it is how we communicate.
The intensity, the attitude, our willingness, and what degree of honesty we have determines the comfort, believe it or not, that we have with our own selves. And as a result of that fairness, the old-timers say, we're the key here, and we'll pay time and time again. Now what do we mean when we say we've harmed other people? Well, there's two kinds of harm. There's emotional harm, and then there's physical harm. And you know that tongue is the most vicious weapon that there is in a relationship with people. That tongue can hurt and wound and kill many, many times much deeper than a bullet. And those kind of scars last on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And most of us, we really don't mean it. And we get over in the corner and bite our tongue and say, why did I say it again? Well, the reason we said it again, because we said it again. Not wanting to. How many times did I come dragging in the house and say I'll never get drunk and disappear again? I didn't want to get drunk and disappear. I just wanted to get drunk. I wanted to get drunk. And I found out later that I was going to get drunk no matter if I wanted to or didn't want to after I come down to Hollis and Hollis, unless I found a way to live. And AA just gives me a tailor-made program, and it suggested all we have to do, all you have to do, David, is just do it, you know? Now, you know, and here's the thing. And so if we define harm
[00:20:05]
in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts and collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently mean, we're going to arouse the angers in others. If we lie and cheat, we not only deprive others of their worldly possessions, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. And this usually brings about revenge, physical violence, in many instances, legal action.
If our sex behavior is selfish, not honest, we usually invite jealousy, misery, and in many instances a strong desire to opt to sex through retaliating tactics. Now, these are just some of the more prominent harms, but I want to talk just a few moments about some of the more obvious but less damaging harms. How about our relations with our families and others when we're misers, cold, hard, jealous, and irresponsible? How about when we're full of this nitpicking criticism, always finding fault? You mean I've got to eat spinach tonight? I had spinach a week ago.
I have to remember that I had to stand on the corner of the bed with people for money just to get a cheap burger. And now that I'm sober, I'm griping because there's some hot, good, clean food on the table. You know what I mean? You know? Huh. I have to remember those things one day at a time. And how about it when we're full of that irritable, we're impatient and humorless? And I don't know about you, but when we play favorites with one member of the family, it used to just aggravate me about my mother and my father because my brother was a favorite member of the family, and after I got sober, I realized that no wonder he was a favorite member of the family. He never was in jail. And they didn't have to go pick up his hot checks. And they didn't have to worry about him. You know? You know, every mother and every father and every grandparent, what is their greatest joy? Their children. Their grandchildren. They want to love them. They want to have fun with them. That is the greatest possession. Because you see, that's the legacy that they leave the world. And it's only natural that every mother and every father and every grandparent, they want their children to turn out to be somebody or something. You know? And it wasn't in their books when we were born to look at the mother, to look at the father and say, here is the brand new member of Alcoholic Moments. No, no. Here's the next minister of the church. Here's the next president of the United States. Here's the next First Lady. Here's the schoolteacher. Here's a fine mother. Sunday schoolteacher. Or banker.
Or a lawyer. Or something. But above all, they used to say, we hope we raise them in a decent, honest way. And I used to know, no wonder my mother, because that's all, my brother was there for them to love him. And he loved them back. I don't know if you've ever stood up and tried to dominate your whole family. Just line them up. By military law and order. I used to tell my wife, if you don't shape up, I'm going to take your car away from you. She said, don't worry about it. It's going to be repossessed anyway. You know? And however member of the family should live their lives. And what is the result when we wallow in self-pity, remorse, and depression? And literally force that all about us. And such a list of kind that makes daily living with us as active alcoholics and sometimes as sober alcoholics. Very unbearable. And usually very difficult. Well, no wonder our families and friends want it out. And this list could go on to doomsday. As a result of having such a constant and daily way of life as active alcoholics and sometimes sober alcoholics. No wonder we took such personality defects into our offices, our jobs, our businesses, and into the society of fellow man. For they then do the damage and harm almost as devastating as we've caused at home. Now stop and think. It is only ourselves that we harm. Many of you have heard me say this before. But AA suggests that the first place that we take this program is in our home life. That's where our book is laid out. That's where our recovery program is laid out. The first seven chapters have to do with the twelve steps.
Naturally with Bill's story more about alcoholism and the solution and the agnostic. But the first seven have to do with the recovery. The nature of the illness and the recovery
[00:25:03]
program. And then it tells us that a further demonstration lies ahead in our family life, our vocational life, and in the world in which we live. But you know it's an amazing thing in a lot of instances. That's the last place a lot of alcoholics will take the program in their home life. Right away they think they can make the family happy by going out here and getting all their financial ducks together. Or else over here somewhere doing that. That's that old idea, the old way of living. But living the principles we're talking about. Of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, and live and let live. Live and let live.
I don't know about you, but I am so thankful that my wife married me. But I am doubly thankful that she stayed. And I don't believe that I can find a better one. And so my program now allows me to live with a lady who while I was drinking put up with all of my subterfuges who had to face all of the shame and embarrassment of society. Who raised two fine young men and at the same time was getting emotionally sick because she was in love with someone that she couldn't turn loose. And so I have a responsibility now. I've been given a gift to be the husband that I've always wanted to be. To be the father that I've always wanted to be. And although my parents have departed, to be the son that my mother and father have always wanted to be. And to be a brother to my brother. And to be a friend to people who love me. And it's a gift. And I have the principles by which to do it. And nobody can run them off from me except me. And if I live like they used to, I'll run them off. But if I live the AA way of life, I can live with them if they want to say hello or if they don't want to say hello. You see? That is the most wonderful thing in this world. That we've honestly and carefully searched the whole area of our human relations and that we've decided exactly what defects in us harmed, injured, and disturbed others. Now we begin to use our memory for people whom we've kicked around. Now the ones nearest to us are the easiest ones to remember. But as each day will come, uh-oh, I forgot about him. You know? As far as our memory is capable, it might be long before we're able to make either a mental or a written long list of people who have, in one way or another, been directly or indirectly affected by our actions. And each instance and each individual AA does suggest that we look at it and admitting only the things that we have done, not what they have done. And try to forget that we are forgiving the wrongs done to us, real or imaginary.
Now in Alcoholics Anonymous, we call this step the great mental conditioner. Willingness. Became willing to make amends for the wrongs. And willingness is the main key because learning to live with others is not only a necessity, but can and will become a lifetime pleasure. Because step eight is the beginning of the end of isolation. Now when in doubt, AA just always has the solution. Call upon what AA experiences. Wisdom. Clearly shows us by remembering what this step has meant as meaning to others. And so this brings us to that goody step nine.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Now you know, this business of making amends may take a long time. It may even take years. But it is earnest, not hasty kind. We do not hurry, nor do we needlessly delay. Easy does it. But putting it off because we either are lazy, or because of fear, or because maybe our pride will be crushed, because you have to remember this program is an entire program of deflation of our own selfish ego in depth. But putting it off just because we are afraid. Putting it off because we are afraid for our own selfish wants and needs becomes very destructive of honesty and sincerity. You know, many alcoholics will agree to the effectiveness of AA's way of life. But many of us fail to receive the benefit from it that AA can offer because some of us have probably not looked at our alcohol illness.
And a lot of alcoholics come to AA because they don't believe themselves to be safe. And many see no reason whatsoever… And many see no reason whatsoever to inconvenience themselves to get well.
[00:30:00]
Many say, well, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, shoot, come up here in my car, still have my own car, still have the same woman, kids, still got the job, still got my house, still got my hunting dog, still got my boat, still got everything else, I just can't stay sober. But look at old so-and-so over there, look at him, he come here with no hair, wine did that to him, he come from under the bridge, he needs this program, look where he sunk to, I didn't get down that far, he needs this program more than I do, and right there and then, I believe that when any member of Alcoholics Anonymous starts thinking that way, that is the sickest thinking member of Alcoholics Anonymous at that moment, because we can compare ourselves right out the door.
We are here to stay sober and recover spiritually, and I believe that every alcoholic that comes through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, the spiritual illness is the same. To some degree, maybe, it's a little tougher and a little longer, maybe to begin to grasp and understand the difference between spiritual principles of living and religion, but that has to do to the type of life that we have lived and also to our thinking.
But spiritual sickness, the recovery from spiritual sickness is the AA way of life. And an alcoholic cannot recover spiritually as long as he or she is drinking alcohol, because number one, you ain't a member of AA. That's the first thing. And then the second thing, one has to be totally free of alcohol in order to begin to grow along the lines that when drinking, no alcoholic even thinks about living.
That's how simple the whole deal is. And it's the nature of the illness, not that somebody ended up in jail as a result of their drinking. If that be the case, then only people who ended up in jail could be members of Alcoholics Anonymous. The bulk of our membership are members who never ended up in jail as a result of their drinking. Never lost a family, didn't lose their car, didn't lose their job, they just couldn't stay sober.
And yet that is one of the hardest type of individuals to talk with about the nature of their illness, because in their mind they've compared themselves to the wino or to someone who has a DWI or someone who's had marriage problems or hot checks or things of this nature, you see. But once we get sober, we talk about what? This innate selfishness and fear. Not willing to talk to another human being about many, many things.
And so how do we stop realizing and accept the fact that our own names have the list of those whom we've wronged? And by living the daily program on a daily basis, what are we doing? We're making amends to ourselves for the kind of people that we used to be. And the kind of people that we can return to if we're not willing to do this. Now it's not too difficult to list the people who suffered because we drank.
Our real problem is to arrive at a state of mind that accepts the damage that we have done and then willing to amend it if and when the time is right. Now if one reads the big book about the Harlem Phenomenon, it says there are four things that are, I mean the 1212 rather, it says there are four things that are necessary. And that is timing, prudence, fortitude, and justice. All these will we need in using this step.
Now a lot of times fortitude and particularly justice is the fact that you just leave it alone. And time takes care of some things. Statue of limitations particularly. As long as you don't go back and aggravate them statues. They'll run out, you bet. I'll tell you a little story. Years ago there was a group of alcoholics in a certain state in Oklahoma. And as many of you may know or may not know that our co-founder Bill was not a wealthy man.
He dedicated and devoted his life and the only money he made after he got sober was in writing. And he was paid as an author in royalties for all of the hardback books. That is the big book, A Becomes of A, the 1212, and A Way of Life, which used to be a Bill Caesar. And he got a royalty of so much cents per book as or so. And that's the only income that Bill ever had. Never got paid as a paid job or anything else.
But this is back in the 40s and Bill was struggling financially. And he was in Oklahoma and that's where he heard about the birthday plan, the 24-hour plan. And a bunch of alcoholics who were so grateful for AA, as many of them are today, and some of them had plenty of money.
[00:35:07]
And they wanted to do something for Bill. And so they were going to take up a collection and give him a huge financial gift and say, Bill, go ahead and wipe out all your past financial obligations. This is a gift from us members for what you have given to us in Alcoholics Anonymous. And Bill, who had already had several run-ins with our board of trustees on the alcoholic board about things of this nature, and Bill early long ago found out that the group conscience was really the true God as we understand him.
And a long ago, back in Akron, when the first came up about writing a book about alcoholics, and Bill told them no thank you. No thank you. That he just passed along the gift. And by receiving that money, then he would take the gift. And then, if you ever knew Bill, and then he'd grin and he had a long turkey neck, and when he smoked, God's smoke would just go everywhere and he'd call from here to Fay, Texas.
And he says, and furthermore, the statute of limitations would run out pretty soon anyway. And so those judgments will be erased. Don't worry about it. Thank you very, very much. And you know, when I heard that, gosh, that did something to me. You know? That certainly did. You see, this is the heritage that's been given to us. And it's a beautiful thing. And it's our responsibility to see that it stays this way.
Now, remember, it faces many roadblocks in using this debt. But here is where the mechanics of our program are of great help. Easy does it. Live and let live. And particularly, if we have acquired the open-mindedness and the willingness to ask and receive suggestions and directions from the older member of Alcoholics Anonymous, who have excellent experience as a result of both painful and very pleasant experiences, will be of the utmost of help.
This is where good sponsorship, this is where communication with experienced members of Alcoholics Anonymous is so valuable. And I'm one of these that believe that if one has to go make an amend to another human being, and I don't know about you, but always before I go in, I say a little prayer, God, give me the strength to do what I've got to do, and then get in there and do it. A little prayer. I like to talk a little bit about making amends.
Making amends to friends. We're talking about making amends to close friends, business people, those whom we should be friendly with, but we've completely severed our relationship with because of resentment, pride, imaginary wrongs, ones we have treated or harmed unjustly with rough or harsh words or maybe with physical or ugly behavior, and in whom indebtedness is not or has not been a factor. We suggest that you keep your indebtedness list separate.
And you say, well, how do you do these things? Well, I don't know about you, but I've gone to these people, and I just told them, but you know, I'm sorry for what I did to you. Because I used to see these people on the street all the time, and I used to duck them and I used to dodge them after I got sober. And I went to see them, and I said, I'm sorry for what I did to you, what I said about you. And I was told long ago, don't wait for their answer.
If they say thank you, then say, well, that's all you came here for, and leave. But I had some of them say, you're not drunk yet. I said, that's right. How are you doing it? I said, I don't think that's the first thing. They said, where'd you learn that? I said, from a group of people. But I never tell them that I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous. None of their business. Like I say to you, none of their business.
Because you see, the next time they see me, I could be drunk, couldn't I? And if I'm bragging about Alcoholics Anonymous, what's that man or woman going to say? God, that AA must not work. I'm there to make amends, not to tell them I'm in AA. I'm in there by making amends, I live in AA. Now, if the question of God has ever brought up on one of them, Tony, he says, well, don't y'all do a lot of talking about God?
I said, yes. He says, God, we understand him, and that's it. But I never bring God into the conversation unless it's brought in by the other party.
[00:40:01]
I've left many of them, and I heard through the grapevine later on. I wasn't even down out of his office, and he picked up the phone, and he called his friends to say, David so-and-so was in here, and you know what, he came by, and he told me he was sorry when he hit me over that head with that champagne holder, and then darn near killed me. And he wasn't drinking. And I heard the other fellow on the other phone say, well, he's been by my office the other day, and he even gave me $10 on something that he owed me for 20-some-odd years, and he wasn't drinking either.
What happened to him? See, it's good to keep guessing. And it makes the grapevine, sooner or later, hey, did you know David's not drinking? And he's walking around and making amends. So I said, yeah, he come by to see me too. And then one of them said, well, I heard he's in that thing, AA. God, if that'll change him, that really must be something. And so the trick is to keep living it. See, the bad is the attraction of the program, whatever else it's not.
I believe. Remember, no one speaks for AA as a whole. There are no experts, no authorities. Now, I'm just sharing my own living experiences with you. Many, many who live in a small town seem to find trouble about acceptance of AA in small towns. And that is a built-in prejudice, which a lot of members carry within themselves, instead of going about the program of living and not worrying about what the town thinks.
You ever ask them what they thought about you when you was drunk, loop-legged, falling down the middle of the street? Easy. All they know is they're a group of people that are not drinking and trying to help other people who are trying to live a good life and help other people. That's what started this deal many, many years ago. And this is the joy and the look that those people had. When somebody come and picked them up off the street, say, the blind and the addled and the drunks and the lepers and everybody else, said, we don't care what kind of disease you got.
Let's start living. Let's become useful human beings and let's help each other. And so the principle of helping each other didn't originate with Alcoholics Anonymous, but it originates one drunk talking to another. And the effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous is our singleness of purpose. Because we cannot bring in everything and everybody in the AA, then we dilute our principle of singleness of purpose.
And so the main thing in making amends with these people is to remember that we're out to do a job and we will not be upset or discouraged. And I've gone to some of them and said, I don't care if you're here to make an amend or sober or whatever. Just leave. And so I'll leave and that's it and say thank you. And I've taken care of my part. I scratched them off the list. Making amends to families. You know, how about our dear ones, the ones who tried so hard to help us?
How many times have we broken their hearts? How many times have we disappointed them? How many times have we promised to quit drinking only to break the promise within a few hours, a few days, a few weeks? How many times have we let them down in a crisis? And yet they stood by us. They nursed us back to health when the worst thing that was wrong with us on many, many days was a bad hangover. Many paid our debts and lied to our creditors.
Many protected our good name and reputation. They fought for us when we couldn't fight for ourselves. They put up with our lies, our subterfuges. Not all. Some wanderings into certain things in relationships. Our dishonesty. Our vile mourning after disposition. But they still loved us. Still loved us. You know, here's a debt that cannot be repaid by words, even though we… We do it until the very moment of death.
And this moral debt can never be repaid by deeds. But we reduce it to a minimum. We can't buy their love. No. No. We can't promise them, make the promise. No. But we reduce it to a minimum by living the kind of a life that… where we're reasonable, comfortable, and happy people. And above all, I'm thankful today that… My wife can ask me anything she wants me today if she wants to. And I've lived like this moment since I woke up this morning that I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done.
I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done, and I haven't done anything that would displease you, that it used to.
[00:45:00]
That's the way I love to live, and that's the fun that I'm having in living today. And so, you know, as a result, the history of AA sparkles with families reunited and living happily again, and AA sparkles with families that are not reunited and living happily again, and AA sparkles with those whose families didn't come back and they went down and got somebody else's family and still living happily.
It's learning to live with what you got is the thing that's important, to live with or to live without. Doesn't make any difference. Living is living. But it has to do with attitude and it has to do with thinking. We can't expect this miracle to happen overnight because we have to remember that it takes years to become an alcoholic. Full rehabilitation doesn't happen in a day. Now, if we have done the sixth and the seventh step, this is the big hang-up.
Many alcoholics, whether they go through treatment and take the first five steps in the treatment modality and pitch them into AA or come directly into AA and take the step, here is the hang-up, six and seven. Because in the sixth step, we're entirely ready to have God remove all those defects of character. Now, if one doesn't believe in God, then you ain't gonna let God do it because you don't believe that God will or can.
And so we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. And then in the seventh step, we only ask him to remove our shortcomings. Because if I am going out and going to live with people, I've already written about me and what did I write about? How I couldn't live in the world with people. I couldn't live with people, couldn't live with myself, couldn't live with God, couldn't live with anything and anybody.
And AA says, David, you're still gonna live that way unless you let God remove these defects of character. And I said, how do you let him do it? Humbly ask him to remove your shortcomings. That you always fall short when you try to do it, so why don't you just let him because he's got the full coming. I said, yes. Because if I'm going to go out and live with people, live comfortably, I've got to do two things.
I've got to have the way I used to live nullified one day at a time so it won't affect other people. And I know today that the God of my understanding doesn't want me to live like I used to live. Doesn't want me to drink. He wants me to get along with people and become a useful human being. And so if we've done the sixth step, we can fully understand this. You notice the sixth step became, we're entirely ready to have God, we're entirely willing, ready.
And that's nothing more than a quality of willingness to let God do it. The eighth step, he became willing to make amends for them all. So this is the test of the willingness and allowing him to remove it and whether he's removed our shortcomings one day at a time. Because the eighth and ninth put sixth and seventh into action. We have to remember that easy does it. We take life with its problems one day at a time and one step at a time.
Now, our problem with this group will not be difficult unless homes have been broken up. Separation and divorces make a man contact impossible. But then we can always remember that we benefit most by living the program because our record of sobriety usually comes to the attention of the injured one. Time in many instances will be required. Now, if the family and the home is still together, the member's family soon becomes aware of our desire to treat our alcohol illness and will usually back us up in the deal.
But there are some families that will not. There are some families that don't want their member of alcoholics with all of us to be a member of the alcoholics. They don't want to have anything to do with it. And some are very hostile. And you understand it because what will the neighbors think? What will the church think? What will the town square think? And that kind of thinking can kill people, believe it or not.
And so what do you do with somebody like that? The best thing to do is leave them alone. I learned that early in my life. My mother and father wouldn't even help me. I was dead as far as they're concerned. And I was told to leave them alone. And I was told you treat them just like you do that first drink. Anything that disturbs your head or anything that will disturb you physically, you don't fool with it one day at a time.
And you start doing the deal, David, and you'll not only become a better person as a result of it, and you can't help but come to the attention of others. And that's about how true that has turned out to be. However, there are some that still are going to try to get the family involved, either to come to open meetings or to come to Allen Honor to do something.
[00:50:00]
And this is just a suggestion if you're having trouble with them. Take home the big book. They don't want to have anything to do with it. And take the dust cover and turn it inside out to where they can't see Alcoholics Anonymous on it. And take it to the breakfast table and take it to the dinner table and take it to the lunch table and sit in front of the television and look at it. And every time they say, what are you reading?
Oh, just something I'm just reading. Take it with you to bed, put it under your pillow, take it to the bathroom, take it everywhere with you and let the family sit but never let them look at it. And drive them up the wall. And do it for five days running. And then on the sixth day, sit in the living room, open it up and then leave it open and wander off to the bathroom. And you get down in the hall or close that door and they'll be right there looking to see what you're reading.
And if you want a little suggestion, I'll tell you what to do. Open it to the family passage. And underline the words. And it says that if your spouse has returned to drinking, the fact is that God has not removed his liquor problem. That's number one. And then the next line I suggested. That the alcoholic or your spouse may seek suggestions, advice and advice from other people. And it could be the opposite sex.
That gets their attention. You see? Now, I did that in a meeting one time and somebody said, well, that's subterfuge. Huh? Is that right? Well, I'll tell you what. We are the greatest con artists in the world. Basically, a lot of 12-stepping is kind of, believe it or not, with each other. You betcha. Because, you see, the amends to the family are the greatest single amends basically other than to ourselves and the God of understanding we'll be able to make.
And after all, our sobriety is, in most instances, a blessing to the family group. And yet, it is only a partial amend, but must be followed up with kind and thoughtful work. And here is where we hear this line in alcoholics, that just being sober is not enough. It's followed up by actions of being kind. And if we just give evidence of our desire to live with it, and it works. Now, if the families have been separated and divorced, sometimes you have to go from one lawyer to another lawyer to a psychiatrist or to a warden or to somebody, you know.
But direct amends are always advisable. But you have to remember that timing has a lot to do with it. Now, we don't stay sober now at the expense of another human being except when to do so would injure them or others. And if you've just hit somebody or shot somebody and run over them and they're laying up in the hospital in traction and wrapped up in a mummy, you know, with their two arms and legs in traction and wrapped up like a mummy and all you can see is their two eyes and their nostrils and their mouth, it's not a good idea to just run in there cold and say, I'm sorry what I did to you.
And I'll give them a heart attack later on. Making amends to creditors. Well, in our honest anonymous, hmm, AA suggests we don't bother them. We just do something about it. That's all. Most creditors usually in the long run find out about a drunken. Because it stands to reason that if you've been paying right up all the time and all of a sudden then you're 30 days past due, 60 days past due, 90 days past due, 120 days past due, and then they can't find you.
You know? The letters come back, no such addressee. Addressee unknown. In jail. Vice versa. Goony root. Because nowadays credit managers, man, they go to these conventions and they talk about alcohol. They talk about, they know about Alcoholics Anonymous. They know about treatment facilities. Because drunks have written them from, I'm now being treated from a sickness, and I ain't got no money to pay you.
But when I get out and I go back to work, I'm going to try to do something with you, you know? Now, if payment is impossible, we make the best deal. You know? And I'm going to share a little experience from my own life. And that is, when I got sober, all my credit cards and everything, they naturally had disappeared. And I used to carry one in my pocket, which had long been outdated, never had been renewed, and that's Skelly Oil Company.
And how Skelly found me, I don't know. But I got a letter from this credit man from Skelly Oil Company, telling me I owed Skelly Oil Company $792.50. And I went to go see my sponsor. He said, how did you run up $792.50?
[00:55:00]
That's back in the days when gasoline was $18.90 a gallon. I said, well, it's really easy. I said, you know, Gulf used to hold 30% of Skelly. And you could use the Skelly card at Gulf stations. Of course, in Texas, you know, you've got to go into Oklahoma to find Skelly. About in West Texas, particularly. And I used to go to a Gulf station, I'd use my Skelly card, and I'd get tires and batteries and chains and tubes, all them other things, doesn't everybody do that?
And so I ran up a big bill with him. I said, what I'd do with this? He said, you write down and you sit down and you write him a letter. I said, but he wants money. He said, well, you write down and tell him you ain't got no money. So I sat down and I wrote him a letter. I appreciate the fact that he reminded me that I owed him $796.50, but I don't have any money. But as I went out to go, you know what he told me?
He said, don't put in that letter that you're going to promise him the next time you're going to send him some money. He said, because you don't know whether you're going to have some money the next time. So I sent him, I got a letter back that said, thank you, but he'd like to have some money. So I called him up and I said, I received a letter from that man. He said, well, write him a letter and tell him, thank you, you received it.
He said, I ain't money. I sent him, I said, no. He said, well, don't tell him you don't have any money. He said, the main thing is have an understanding and a communication. So I wrote him back. He wrote me a letter. He says, I really appreciate you really double thanking me, but I'd like to have some money. So a couple of weeks later, I had an extra dollar. So I called up the sponsor. I said, what do I do?
He said, send him the dollar. So I sent him, I sent him a dollar. I got a letter back thanking me. He said, when you get another dollar, send it. So next week I had another dollar. So I sent it to him. Third week, I didn't have a dollar. Called up the sponsor. I said, I don't have a dollar this week. He said, write him and tell him you don't have a dollar, but don't promise him next week you'll send him two.
Because if you haven't got a dollar this week, you don't know whether you're even going to have one next week. Just tell him how you are right this moment. Promises kill drunks. So I wrote him a letter and told him I didn't have it. And then it increased from a dollar to two to five. One day I was in a little bank, and the banker got me. He said, come here a minute. He said, something's happened to you.
Number one, you're sober. And number two, they're not running up to this collection window up here trying to pick up your paper. And I understand that you're sober. And I said, well, I haven't had a drink today. He said, I understand you're an AA. He said, yep. And then he pulled out one of these little desire chips, you know, with the one day at a time and the serenity of the brain. Being a keen alcoholic with that kind of thinking, uh-oh, he's a member of AA, and my financial troubles are over with.
I'm going to hit him up for some money. And he said, no. And then he let me know immediately. He said, I'm not a member of AA, but I've got a member of my board of directors who belongs to Al-Aman. And he has a daughter who's in AA, and his daughter gave him this chip. And he said, I've got ulcers. And this man told me that if I'll use the serenity prayer one day at a time, that it would help my ulcer.
And he said, then I'll use the serenity prayer and it helps my ulcer. And he said, but you being sober has helped my ulcer more than any time. I could have quit and made that line at the start, and that's living the AA program. Where we live, we help everybody's ulcer if we live the program and stay sober. And so he said, fine. I was in there about three months later. He said, come here. Took me to his office.
And he said, how much do you owe, Skelly? And I carried a little card. He'd already called him and found out. I found out later. And I told him, and he's writing, he says, sign this. And I said, what's that? He said, that's a note. I said, I can't sign a note. I don't have any credit, and I don't think I can find anybody that'll co-sign it. He says, I could sign it. Let's go pay them off. Instead of you sending that money to them every week, just bring it in here every week, just like you've been doing it.
Let us make the interest instead of them. And he says, I'll be taking just a gamble as they are. Just do what you do. Just keep on doing what you're doing, David. It's getting better by doing what you're doing. But us drunks are not satisfied in just doing what we're doing. We want to do more. And the only more that I have to live is more AA. And so he still didn't. I signed it. He went and got a cashier's check, and he sent it out to them.
And he sent it off to him. And I was in Kansas about four years ago at a birthday, five years ago at a birthday party, anniversary, and I got through yakking, and a fine-looking man walked up to me, and he said, you know me, and I know you. We used to write letters.
[01:00:12]
And he had just celebrated his first birthday at that anniversary. And he didn't know I was in AA, and I didn't know, and today he is an executive vice chairman of the board of one of the largest oil companies in the world, and he's still sober, you know. Now, I didn't have anything to do with it, you know. I didn't have anything, and we went over about this thing. And as a result of it, you see, it's just having an understanding, having an understanding. And there's one other thing, and then we'll get out of here. And so if money, nowadays all one has to do is to go to either the Bureau of Credit and Services, whether you have it for East Texas or where it is, and they'll give you a printout pretty well of what you got. They have agencies today that'll even help you get it in order.
But let me tell you, that's not the important thing. You know what the important thing is? It's the feeling of paying one's debts. The feeling. Now, there's some that, God, I don't know. I don't know. And I'm not going to worry about it. Because for the simple reason, if they come up and say, you do this or this, I say, fine, I'm glad you brought it to my attention. We'll see what we can do. Making amends to the deceased. You know, the harm that we've done to departed relatives or friends is often the cause of a lot of aggravation.
We say, oh, I just sure wish Mama was alive to see me or Papa. This, above all, should not be because it's only harmful, very dangerous practice. We have to, once and for all, and this works for the whole program, realize the futility of remorse over wrongs and harms that we cannot amend. And we should not allow these harms of the past to cripple us. And then we've got amends that we make to our daily parents or ourselves. And now we come to something in Alcoholics Anonymous that we hear it all the time in AA. We hear about the promises. A lot of times we hear, some AA, some members haven't printed up and used it for bookmarks and they use it for wall haggers and everything else.
And a lot of times they're taken out of context, I believe. But on these things are never printed the words that precede the promises nor the words that follow it. And the words that preceded it, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development. Because the AA way of life at first is painful, and sometimes later on, because this is a different way. It demands that we do the right thing. We will be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past and I wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace no matter how far down the scale we've gone. We will see how our experience can benefit others. And this is what we call giving it away in order to keep it. Sharing of our experience. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. People will never leave us.
We live in a people-centered and orientated society, but it's the fear of people. Economic insecurity. God, and you know, God bless the member of Alcoholics Anonymous today, and I've talked to a lot of them and they're not full of fear, they're just thankful. And particularly those who retired five and six and seven years ago and are sober today. And as a result, now with the inflated dollar, that retirement check that when they started out long ago when they got sober, it shrunk quite a bit in the business of paying bills.
And I've talked to a lot of them. And God, they've got that twinkle in their eye and they've got a program to live by. And they say, God will provide. Things are good. They can be better, but things are good. And yet you walk to their neighbor who doesn't have a way to live and they're so full of fear. How am I going to pay my utility bill? How am I going to buy my groceries? What am I going to do when fuel gets up and high?
What am I going to do about my car repair? What am I going to do with Medicaid and Medicare and everything else? And they're hounded by screwy emotions and sick behavior. And thank God we've got a way to comprehend and to not only to see it, but to consummate our problems one day at a time. And a lot of that is fear. Fear of economic insecurity will begin to leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle things that used to battle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not possibly do for ourselves.
[01:05:03]
And so it is in taking and living the steps that we realize that God is doing for us what we could not possibly do for ourselves. And in the ABC's of Alcoholics Anonymous, that God could and would if he were sought. Not only to relieve our alcoholism, but also relieve self from self. And it is in doing the steps that we come to find out that suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not possibly do for ourselves.
And here are the words that we never hear. But they're there. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And here are the words we never, never hear. They will materialize if we work for them. I want to thank you for your attention. And I want to thank you for your attendance. And next week while we'll finish up, we'll do those three goodies, 10, 11, and 12. Thank you very much.