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Source: Al S – Cleveland Anniversary Meeting – Date Unknown.mp3 File: al-s-cleveland-anniversary-meeting-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:04:07
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The original of this tape was made in Cleveland, Ohio. This copy by Hugh T. of Sacramento, California. This is the Cleveland Group's 25th anniversary meeting. And the principal speaker, from Newark, New Jersey, Mr. Al S.. The playing time is approximately an hour and 15 minutes. And now, the man that you've been waiting to hear, Mr. Al S. and his wife. Al. And will you say the Lord's Prayer with me?
Thank you. Chairman Jess, Reverend Father R., members of the operating committee, fellow alcoholics, friends and guests. It's a pleasure to be out here. I don't mind telling you my name is S.. I notice that most of you folks are Irish. You don't have to be Irish to be a member of this organization. And I think that's why they brought me out here, is to prove it. I got to be an alcoholic the same way most alcoholics become alcoholics, and that is by drinking too much too often.
I started drinking when I was going to college and was still a boy. And it was during Prohibition. And in those years, it was quite the thing to do. It was a mark of esteem if you had the entree to all of the prominent speakeasies. And I was the number one sucker on the sucker list. And I was the number one sucker on the sucker list. Because I made a beautiful collection of keys for the places that stayed open 24 hours a day.
And they gave you keys so you could come in all by yourself. And I'm sure some of you remember it because you're celebrating your 25th anniversary out here. And also there were a great number of clubs that gave you a card that they examined you through the peephole. And if you had a face, they let you in. I had quite a collection of cards and quite a collection of keys. And I used to think it was a wonderful way to entertain.
And I used to take my friends to these speakeasies and entertain and then write a check for the tab. And then the next day get on the wire and call home and tell them to make it good. I think some of you have heard about those experiences. I was going to law school and studying law during Prohibition. Worked for a very prominent law office in the city of Newark. And we represented five breweries that made near beer in the daytime.
And we also represented nearly every tavern owner in the city of Newark. Even during Prohibition they had an association called the Tavern Owners Association. And we represented them. And I soon learned to exact a little tribute off of these fellows. I used to go around visiting each one of these clients of ours and bring home a bottle of some sort of whiskey. And I used to have each one of the breweries deliver five cases of beer to my apartment each week.
I had 25 cases of beer coming in each week. And I had a bachelor's apartment in Newark and had a tremendous living room. And my little apartment was busier than any of these speakeasies that I'm talking about. Because it was all on the cuff. But the beer was coming in faster than we could drink it. I had it stacked from the floor up to the ceiling. It was coming up the second row. But we used to throw some wonderful parties.
My boss had a couple of brothers. One who worked for a wholesale meat packing house. And he supplied all the steaks. The kind you dream about that cover a whole platter and are two and a half inches thick. The other brother worked for a wholesale grocer and he supplied all the groceries. So it didn't cost us very much to put on a very nice party. So it didn't cost us very much to put on a very nice party.
And of course the neighbors used to object to some of the noise we made but we paid no attention to them.
[00:05:02]
But my landlord's son worked in the same office with me. And these people used to get a little bit stuffy about the parties we used to have and sometimes they would call in the police. And usually they would join the party. And if they didn't join the party we didn't worry about them anyway. My boss was the judge in the first criminal court in the city of Newark. So you can see I got off to a very good start.
As soon as I passed the bar, and believe me this is the only bar I ever passed in those days. I was fairly successful from the word go if you measure success in dollars and cents. I was making a lot of money and I thought that the proper thing to do with it was to entertain in the right places and I used to do that. I also had another little theory that it was better to know the right people than it was to know the law.
And sometimes it worked. And I used to do some fancy entertaining, of course always in the gin mills. Do a lot of politicians, a lot of prominent people. And I kept this heavy drinking up for a couple of years after I became an attorney. And then I decided that there must be a great deal more to life than merely drinking and carousing. And I thought I'd have to do something about my drinking and settle down to a normal life.
And so I proposed to a very beautiful blonde and she accepted. And we settled down to a nice peaceful life and I quit drinking. And I quit smiling. Business became terrible. My disposition changed. Life became unbearable. My wife left for a city known as Reno. I immediately began drinking again. Sent word to her out in Reno that if she moved down to Miami, there would be no problems with a divorce because I wouldn't consent to any alimony.
And so we lived happily ever after we were divorced. Because immediately I began to drink again, began to entertain again and my smile came back. My disposition improved and business got better and I was back on the same old merry-go-round. And I kept this up for a couple of more years. And once again I got the bright idea that there must be something more to life than just drinking. And so I decided not to make a big deal out of it.
And so I decided not to make the same mistake over again. I didn't suggest getting married again. But I did move up into the country where it was quiet and peaceful. And settled down to a quiet country law practice. Business was good and I was prospering. I kept this up for a couple of weeks. And then I decided that if I took a few drinks out about 30 miles from my hometown, nobody would know the difference.
And so I journeyed about 30 miles away every night and got drunk every night. And then I decided if I kept a little bottle in the office why nobody would know about it. And soon I was drunk seven nights and seven days a week. And you know in a small town, and this was a small town of about 650 people, you can't keep any secrets. Everybody knew I was the town drunk in less than a week. And so I continued to stagger up and down the street for the next couple of years.
I needn't tell you if you measured losing clients and losing jobs that I lost all of them. And along came an invitation from Uncle Sam to join the armed forces. And being a dutiful citizen I accepted his invitation. Packed a bag and went to Fort Bragg and unpacked my bag. And the sergeant in charge of the barracks saw a bottle of scotch and he said you better get rid of that or you're going to get court-martialed.
And I did what any good alcoholic would do, I drank it. And I embarked upon my military career. Military career. And I kept up my drinking. And I guess I must have been a fair soldier at times. I made first sergeant five times. Booked private five times. I've always said that Ike Eisenhower will always be grateful to me for the fact that I was an alcoholic. Because he would never have been president if it weren't for that fact.
[00:10:03]
Because if I had had all of my promotions, one on top of the other, I would have outranked him. I did win a couple of battles, the Battle of Vigneron and the Battle of Inrouge. I was very happy to get back and receive an honorable discharge as a corporal. And when I got out of the service I said to myself once again that there's more to life than drinking. There must be something to the serious side of this and I'm going to cut it out.
So for the next five or six months I did stay sober. And I had every reason in the world to continue in my sobriety because when I returned home from the service, my father was a bed patient, very ill, needed almost constant care. My mother was aged and quite ill, had a heart condition. But one evening I was out with a couple of boys and I think it was five or six months after my return from the service and I switched from seven up to a Canadian club and soda.
And that very evening my friend had to bring me home and put me to bed and I didn't draw another sober breath from that night until I came into AA some three years later. I mention these things for a very good reason. Not because I like to brag about my drinking or about what happened to me, or about what happened to me, but I'd like to point out to you that neither marriage nor divorce will solve your alcoholic problem.
Neither will the geographic cure. You can't move from the country to the city or the city to the country or join the armed forces to get away from your drinking problem because wherever you go you have to take yourself with you. And neither will good intentions solve your alcoholic problem because no one was ever filled with more sincere or with more good intentions than was I when I entered into the armed services or when I came out of the armed services.
And on both occasions I failed myself. I shall never forget my entry into Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I came in only as a last resort. This was not what I wanted. It wasn't a matter of choice. It was a matter of necessity. About three months before my first meeting, I'd made up my mind I was going to commit suicide. And every morning I'd get up and go through the same routine. I'd sit on the edge of the bed and gag for half an hour and vomit a half a glass of vile green bile.
And when I got through with that ordeal then I could start getting dressed. I'd bend over to put my shoes on and on many occasions I fell on my head. And on one occasion, I recall very well, I went through the bedroom window. I got one of those running starts and couldn't stop. And I caught myself on the window sill. And then it was always difficult to get these skinny legs of mine into a pair of trousers.
And in those days they were skinny. I only weighed a fraction of what I weigh now. And then I'd go to the bathroom and shake while I tried to shave and hold the razor with two hands so I wouldn't cut myself. A safety razor, no less. And hold it with two hands so I didn't want any scratches on this beautiful face, even though I was going to commit suicide. And then when I finished getting dressed, I had to come from the second floor down to the first floor.
And every now and then I got to the second floor. But to get down was a great ordeal. I had a long pair of steps to come down and I'd lean back as far as I could lean so I wouldn't have too far to fall. And besides, I couldn't look down. And when I'd get to the bottom of the steps, my mother would greet me with a very icy goodbye. My mother would greet me with a very icy good morning that implied you're going to do it over again.
And so to avoid an argument, I'd go straight out the front door without a word. Waddle down the street like a duck because my sense of balance wasn't so good. Get to the only intersection in this busy metropolis of 650 people and stand there because I didn't dare cross the street until I was sure there were no cars in sight because I couldn't judge the speed nor the distance of an automobile. And then I'd get to my favorite tavern and I'd point one foot toward the bar and one toward the men's room because I was never sure I was going to be able to get in.
Bar and one toward the men's room, because I was never sure which direction I wanted to remain in.
[00:15:01]
And then I would invest in a couple of drinks of beer, to see whether or not they would stay down, because I didn't dare waste anything as valuable as whiskey. Things began to get very tight. And then after I got a couple of beers down, and could get a few shots of whiskey down, why then I'd stop shaking, I'd stop being so nervous. You know, I could postpone committing suicide until tomorrow. So you see, I was on the 24-hour program long before I got into AA.
And it was while I was in this process of trying to get off of the stuff, as we say, trying everything that we alcoholics will try. And I tried not getting up in the morning so I wouldn't have so long to drink. Then I would try spending the afternoon out so that I wouldn't consume too much. Then I even got a brother of mine who was very considerate of my problem, who drove me all over the country just to kill time and keep me occupied to see if I couldn't get off the stuff.
And we'd have to stop every once in a while so that I wouldn't rattle apart, and have one just to keep the nerves from consuming me. And then came the evening, and I would spread my drinks as far as I could spread them so that I could taper off. You know, when it started to get near closing time, then you begin to get a little nervous. They might close before you had just enough. And then you start drinking real fast so that you wouldn't have to stay awake all night and suffer.
And then I'd find myself back in the same position I was the night before. Somebody had to put me back to bed. And I was trying changing my drinking places. You know, if you change your drinking companions, maybe you'll change your drinking habits. And so I tried shifting places. And I tried switching my drinks, drinking only cocktails, and maybe that would do it. And then I tried getting away from this family of mine that were pestering me to death.
I thought if I just moved out of the house, maybe I could sober up. And of course, my family wasn't pestering me to death. They weren't even talking to me. So I moved into a nice hotel where they had a beautiful bar. And the only reason I moved in that hotel is because my credit was still good there. And then I would try to taper off on eggnogs and brandy. And the eggnogs wouldn't stay down, so I switched back to brandy.
Then I moved in with a friend of mine who had a dude ranch. And I moved in with him because he was my last remaining client. And the only reason he was my last remaining client was because he couldn't pay either. And Walt was a real two-fisted drinker. And he and I both had a common problem. And we knew it. And we were talking it over. And we decided that if we stuck together for a couple of weeks, we could solve it.
And so we started out together, and we drank up a case of Canadian Club and nothing flat. And then I decided I was making no progress, and I decided I would go home. Walt decided, well, he didn't want to sober up anyway, that he was just going to drink himself to death. And so he put a case of whiskey under the bed. And two days later, I got a telephone call that Walt wanted to see me. And I was too drunk to go and see Walt.
And they took Walt to the hospital with a cerebral hemorrhage, and he never recovered. And I didn't learn anything from that lesson because I went to his funeral, and his partner and I went out and tied a real good one on, and we both got lost in the city of New York for a couple of days. And when we got home, I was back on the same merry-go-round. I was in my favorite tavern one night playing a favorite game of alcoholics, shuffleboard.
And a friend of mine inveigled me into the game, and he played opposite me. And during the course of the game, he said, Al, he said, have you ever thought about quitting drinking? And I said, sure, Doc, that's exactly what I'm doing now. He didn't realize, in my own mind, that's what I was doing. I was trying to taper off. I was trying to get back on the wagon and without any success. He said, now, if you're really serious about this, he said,
[00:20:01]
why, we got a little group of alcoholics anonymous down here in the county seat. And he said, maybe you'd like to go to a meeting with me. And being two-thirds in the bag and susceptible to suggestion, I said, well, of course, Doc, any time. He said, no, I'm serious. He said, we're having a meeting Friday. He said, would you go? I said, why, sure. He said, all right. He says, I'll come and get you.
So I immediately switched from whiskey to beer. I didn't drink anything but beer from that Wednesday night until Friday when Doc came to pick me up. Now, you alcoholics know you can't get drunk on beer. At least that's what I thought in those days. But beer was what you sobered up on. And I was trying hard, and I continued to drink beer up until Friday night. And he picked me up, and we went to what was to be my first meeting of AA.
And believe me, this was the most embarrassing moment in my life. I'd been embarrassed on many occasions by reason of my drinking habits, but this was stooping to a new low. Here was the great I.M., a fellow that had been sitting on bar stools for 15 years, telling everybody what they should do about their problems, now seeking the help of a bunch of drunks with what I should do about getting on the wagon.
And I just couldn't take it very well, but I went. And I got to this meeting hall, and somehow on the way down, I was trying to think of an excuse how to get out of this meeting, because I really didn't want to stop drinking. And I got into this meeting room. They had a few people there, maybe 25 or 30. Up in front they had a great big table, and in the center of it was a great big sign, But for the Grace of God.
And I knew right away I didn't want any part of this organization, because it seemed to me as if I was getting into a religious group, and I knew any minute they were going to break out singing hymns, and I was only interested in hers. And before I could think of a good excuse to get out of the place, they got the meeting started. And I never heard such a bunch of liars in all my life. At least that's what I thought that night.
The first guy that got up to talk said he'd been sober for three months. And you know, to go without a drink for three months, that was next to impossible. I didn't believe that he was telling me the truth. The second fellow got up and he talked about not having had a drink for a year. And I thought he was just a little bigger liar. And then right in the middle of the meeting they embarrassed me a little bit.
They said we have no dues or fees, we're entirely self-supporting, and we passed the hat, and they took my only nickel away from me. The third speaker got up and he told some tall tales about his drinking and had the audacity to say that he'd been sober three years. Then I came to the conclusion it was just a question of seeing who could out-brag each other about how long they'd been sober. And I didn't believe any of them.
Because I couldn't stay sober for 24 hours, not alone a whole week or a month. And they're talking in terms of impossibilities. Sober three months, a year, three years. I was awfully glad when that meeting was over. Nothing had happened to these fellows that hadn't already happened to me. And I got the wrong impression of that meeting because all I got at that meeting was conversation. I was sick. I was sitting in the back of that hall dying, shaking, nervous.
And they didn't offer me anything that was going to do me any good. They didn't stop me from shaking. They didn't stop me from rattling. They didn't stop me from needing a drink. They didn't pass the bottle. And they didn't even have a magic pill there that was going to do me any good. And so I couldn't conceive how this organization was going to be of any help to me. And I was awfully glad when the meeting came to a conclusion.
But they didn't stop embarrassing me. They said we closed the meeting with the Lord's Prayer. And I didn't know it, but I stood up with the rest of them and mumbled under my breath as if I were saying something. Because I hadn't said a prayer in 15 years except,
[00:25:01]
Please God, let me die in my sleep. So I tried not to be too conspicuous. And I was awfully anxious to get out of the place. And my sponsor went up to a table and he got a whole stack of literature and he said, Al, take this home with you. And I was very careful to put one that was blank on the outside so nobody would know where I had been. And then he said, you know, he said, the meeting's only half over.
He said, now we go into the next room and we have the sociable part of the meeting. And we walked into the next room and some good-hearted soul tried to hand me a cup of coffee, which, of course, I had to refuse because I couldn't hold anything hot. I hadn't drank anything that didn't have ice in it for years. And then they wanted me to have some homemade cake that had a half-inch icing on top. And one look almost did the trick.
I couldn't wait to get out of the place, believe me. We got through with the sociable part of the meeting and Doc said, do you want to go home? And I said, yeah. We got back to my hometown about eight miles away and he said, where do you want to get out? I said, right where you picked me up, the Park Place Hotel. And he let me out at the hotel and I went in and sat down on a stool. He came in and sat down on the next stool.
So we sat for a little while because I was a little embarrassed. I had no funds. I didn't want to order a drink because I was afraid the bartender would say, listen, son, your credit is exhausted here. I already owed him about $300. So we sat for a few minutes and finally Doc said the magic words. He said, Al, if you've got to have a drink, go ahead and take it. He says, I'll buy. He said, this is a 24-hour program, you know.
He said, you can start any time you like. I said, if you want to start tomorrow, that's all right. Oh, I said, oh no. If I'm ever going to start, I'll start right now. Give me a seven up. And I drank it real slow and he wouldn't go home. I had another one and I drank that real slow and he still wouldn't go home. Then he got me in this game of shuffleboard and at 2 a.m. in the morning, I gave up and I went home without a drink.
And believe me, you who are alcoholics know exactly what happened to me that night. I died a thousand deaths without a drink. The bed kept jumping out from under me. I kept shaking. I knew I was going to die of a heart attack because my heart started palpitating. My throat dried up and I couldn't swallow and I knew I was going to choke to death. And I couldn't breathe and I knew my diaphragm wasn't working right.
And when you're waiting for that tavern to open, it can be an awful long night. And without sleep and without a drink and with all the fears and with all the shakes and just one jump ahead of the DTs, I got through the night and when I thought my tavern was open, I got dressed and started walking down to that tavern. On the way down, I kept remembering this meeting I'd been at the night before. A meeting that meant nothing.
A meeting at which I had heard nothing that made any impression except what I thought was a bunch of lies. But then I remembered these folks were all well-dressed at this meeting. And I had on an old pair of slacks that hadn't been pressed in a month. I hadn't been bathed in about as long as the pants hadn't been pressed because I couldn't step over the rim of a bathtub and nobody would hold me up in a shower.
I had on an old blue sweater with three buttons off the front. I had all these same clothes on the next morning. I remembered that and I remembered at this particular meeting somebody had told a couple of funny stories and everybody laughed but me and I tried hard and all that came out was hee hee hee. I remembered too that these folks were able to drink hot coffee and eat cake. And I said to myself, look Al, you're going to commit suicide anyway.
Why in the hell don't you just die sobering up as long as you know it's going to kill you? And so I went on down to my favorite tavern and had a 7-up.
[00:30:24]
because he continued to take me to a meeting every single night for the next three years, and on Sunday we made two or three meetings a day, and I'm not going to say that to you who are newcomers this is what you have to do in order to obtain your sobriety, but believe me, if you come into this organization in the condition in which I came into this organization, I would suggest it, because when I came into AA, I was truly rum-dumb, I was no longer able to remember anything that I talked about with anybody five minutes before, my memory was a complete blank, I didn't carry on any gainful occupation, wasn't able to carry on an intelligent conversation, couldn't recall people's names who I'd lived with all my life, and so I knew that I was just one jump away from the booby hatch, and so I needed something to take the place of 24-hour drinking, and so I had to do something that was going to give me 24 hours of sobriety, and that was staying busy in AA.
So when we got back from these AA meetings, we used to sit in Doc's kitchen and talk about the program and about the meetings we'd attended, and we'd make as many meetings as possible, and we used to go out and speak as often as we were invited, and I had a wonderful experience in that field because I know none of you can truly appreciate this because you were not there, but three weeks after I was in AA, we were invited to speak at a very large Sunday meeting in Morristown, New Jersey, and I volunteered my services after three weeks in AA.
You know, after you're sober three weeks, you know everything, and I got down there and I told them all the dirty stories I'd ever heard, and a good portion of the respectable audience got up and left and came back after I got through speaking, but nobody ever commented or said anything about you did a terrible job or anything else. They just said, well, you're just going to have to learn a little more about AA.
And so I got interested in the program, and I started to learn a little more about AA. After three weeks, you know, you can start reading again. And I started to read this literature that Doc had given me. You know, at first when I started to read this literature, I couldn't read one sentence because the minute I would start to read a sentence, my mind would wander off on something else about my creditors, my family, the people I owed and the things I hadn't done and the things I had done that I shouldn't have done, and I just couldn't read and have a continuity of thought.
So it took about three weeks before I was even able to read this literature. And then I started to read it, and it began to make a little sense, and after three months, I accomplished quite a feat. I memorized the 12 suggested steps we have in AA, and I thought that was miraculous. And so they asked me to speak again at a meeting, and so I was going to show them how intelligent I was. And this was in Strasburg, Pennsylvania, so I got up and I talked about these 12 suggested steps we have in AA.
And you know, it sounded so good to me that I actually began to believe these suggestions we have. And so I really got interested in the program, and ever since I've been in, I've made it a policy to talk about these 12 suggested steps. And I think that's what I'd like to do with you tonight, because no matter how many times I've reviewed these 12 suggested steps that we have in AA, I learn something new.
And when I'm riding alone in the car, I'll often go over the 12 suggestions, and then all of a sudden a brilliant thought will hit me, and I'll say, well, now why didn't I think of that before? But now I know what AA has come to mean to me.
[00:35:01]
AA is a way of life. AA is learning how to live. AA is learning how to enjoy our sobriety. AA is learning how to improve our thinking. AA teaches us how to get along with ourselves, know thyself. And if we can get along with ourselves, we can get along with our fellow human beings. And AA is something we can practice from the time we get up until the time we go to bed. We can apply it to our business practices. We can apply it to our family relations.
We can apply this program to everything we do. AA has taught me so many things. I always used to worry about the other fellow's problems. I never got drunk because I did something wrong. I always got drunk because somebody else did something wrong. You know, when I stopped worrying about the other fellow, I only had half as many problems. And then if I could do something about that half, which AA has been helping me with, I don't have much of a problem.
About wanting a drink. And I can truly say that after I was in AA about a year, I no longer have a desire to drink. But I have a sincere desire not to drink. If someone were to invent this magic pill that would make it possible for me to drink starting tomorrow, I don't think I would be interested at all. Because alcohol is something that we used to think we needed to supply that artificial stimuli to make us do something we didn't want to do anyway.
Now we have our sense of reason. We're capable of greater things. We're capable of great things. If we give ourselves the opportunity to follow this wonderful program. What is this program all about? I've heard many people get up here and say, I don't know what AA is all about, but it keeps me sober. I don't know how it works, but I know it works. I think we all know how it works. It works if we want it to work.
It works if we work at it. There's nothing magic about this program. First we have to want it. And then if we want to stay sober, we have to work at the program. There's no magic pill that we dispense at AA meetings. There's no magic potion. Ours is a program of learning. And it's a marvelous program. And I think this order of the 12 suggested steps is important. First we admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Well, certainly, unless we're willing to admit that we're powerless over alcohol, aren't we saying the converse that we're able to handle it? And as long as we think we can handle it, we're going to try it again. So unless we're willing to admit that we're powerless over alcohol, we're going to try it again. So unless we're willing to admit that we're powerless over alcohol, there isn't much chance of making the program.
And I think any one of us can admit, if we have an alcoholic problem, that we're powerless over alcohol. Because hasn't it made us do a lot of things we never wanted to do? Look what it's done to our lives. In my case, I know I never intended to write bum checks. I never intended to kite checks. I never intended to spend other people's money. I never intended to have innumerable automobile accidents.
I never intended to bring shame and disrespect to a very respected family. All of these things happened that I didn't want to happen. That I didn't want to happen. And so when I look over the past, I know that I was powerless over alcohol. And AA suggested that I admit it. And then AA suggested that I come to believe in a power greater than myself,
[00:40:02]
and that he could restore me to sanity. It seems that this is a step which any of us ought to be willing to take. If we refuse to take this step, aren't we saying that I am God? That there's nothing more powerful than I? We have to believe in something outside of ourselves. Haven't we failed ourselves so often? And unless we put our faith in something outside of ourselves, and I choose to call that power God, because having been born into the Jewish faith, I had always believed in God.
It was just that I'd forgotten about him for the 15 years that I drank. And I like to emphasize the word faith, because when we first come into this organization, I think we have to accept this program on blind faith. I know that I wasn't able to use logic or reason, and so I know that when I accepted this program, it was on blind faith, that perhaps it might work if I gave it a chance. And so AA asks us merely to be willing to believe.
To be willing to believe. Believe in something outside of ourselves, a power greater than ourselves, and that we can be restored to sanity. What? Admit that I've been insane? Well, I hated to do that, but certainly my behavior had been. And then AA suggests, three, that we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him. Make a decision. That's asking something difficult of an alcoholic.
We're the greatest procrastinators in the world. We can always put off until tomorrow what ought to be done today, but AA said, make a decision now. To do what? To do what? Turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him. Well, I couldn't do that very well. I didn't understand God. I'd forgotten about him for 15 years. So I had to find out, if I wanted to know more about this program, I would have to find out something about my own religion.
So I found out that we in the Jewish faith believe in the Old Testament, in the Ten Commandments, and I found out that that's an active way of living, trying to live according to the teachings of the Old Testament and the Ten Commandments. And then I wondered what was going to work for the rest of the Christian people in the organization, because I was the only Jew in my organization. And I found out that you of the Christian faith believe in the New Testament and the teachings of Christ and the Ten Commandments too.
So there's hopes for you folks. But that too is a very active way of living. I took the time to memorize chapters 5, 6, and 7 of Matthew, the Sermon on the Mount. And I find out that you Christians have a very active way of living according to the teachings of God, if you want to follow the teachings of Christ. And so this suggestion of turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him to me means that we ought to try and live according to the tenets of our own religion.
And you know this is a big job, because we can continue to improve our way of living as long as we live. We can always continue to improve our way of life. And so this is not merely a program for solving one day of drinking, 24 hours a day, but it's learning how to live better and better each day, every 24 hours. And to help us do that, A.A. suggested for us that we make a searching and fearless mall inventory of ourselves.
A Searching and Fearless Mall Inventory of Ourselves, Know Thyself, A Searching and Fearless
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Mall Inventory, and here I would like to suggest something that was suggested to me early in AA, and that is that I sit down with a pencil and paper and make a list of my faults, make a list of my defects in character, and then I make a list of my assets, my good points. And so, for the first three or four months that I went to AA meetings, I took a pad and pencil along, and every time some speaker spoke about some character defect that applied to me, I wrote it down. At the end of three months, I had three sheets of paper full.
I was a liar, a cheat, egotistical, self-centered, dishonest, selfish, jealous, any uncomplimentary adjective you could think of, I had on paper, and it applied to me. And I tried to put something on the credit side of the ledger, and I couldn't think of a thing. There wasn't one good thing I could say about myself. And finally, not wanting to give up in despair and draw a blank, I came up with one thing. Taking the inventory was the first time in my life that I was being honest with myself, and so I put down first period of honesty.
Now, I say this is very important, this business of taking this inventory and writing, because it gives us an opportunity to see ourselves as other people see us. And believe me, after I had taken this inventory, I knew that I had reached the bottom rung of the ladder. I knew that anything I did would be an improvement over what I had done prior to my coming into A.A. This was to be my start in life.
Now what shall I do about this terrible inventory that I now have in writing? An A.A. suggests I that we admit to ourselves, to God, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Now when I had put this inventory in writing, I had already admitted it to myself. God, who is ever present, certainly knew about it. And so it remained for me to talk it over with somebody else. And I chose to do it at a small closed meeting of my home group, and I got out these three sheets of paper, and I read off all my character defects, and I said, now you know what a louse I am. As if they already didn't know.
But believe me, I immediately felt relieved. And now I know what the good father means when he says confession is good for the soul. Because when we can get these things out into the open, they're not quite as bad as when we keep them all pent up within ourselves. I believe that we alcoholics are introverts. We like to keep these things all pent up within ourselves. And every once in a while we like to let them bust out in one big drunk. Now the way to avoid that is to do what A.A. suggests, and that is to get our defects of character out in the open. Admitting our faults and our character defects and being able and willing to talk about them so that we can do something about them. And then too we come to recognize them.
And so then A.A. suggested six, that I be willing to have God remove all of these character defects. Well now certainly if I knew I had them, I ought to be willing to get rid of them. And if God could do the job, fine. But just a state of mind, being willing to get rid of all of these character defects. I was willing. Then A.A. put the Joker in the program as far as I was concerned. They came along with that seventh suggestion. We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.
You know, being an alcoholic, I tried to rationalize some meaning into that suggestion. It seems to be perfectly clear and susceptible of only one meaning. We humbly ask. We have to learn how to pray. And to me this was difficult. Because as I said before, I had said no prayers for 15 years except one. And so I learned to translate these defects of character into one sentence prayers. I used to get out the list. I'd say, please God help me to be honest. Please God
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help me to be kind. Please God help me to be considerate. Please God help me to be tolerant. Please God help me to be patient. Please God help me not to be selfish. Please God help me not to be jealous. Please God help me not to be egotistical and so on down the line for half an hour. And you know I found out this served a wonderful purpose. If I was going to be conscious of all of my character defects and all of my faults, I was going to be trying to help God help me correct these character defects. Being conscious of your faults, you're not so apt to be committing them day in and day out. And so once again I found out that AA had more to offer than sobriety. This was a program of self-improvement. I could help myself get back in the good graces of my family and friends by just trying to correct my character defects. And so I found that this seventh suggestion is very very valuable to we who are in AA. And then they told me there was a little more work to do in this program. But I better get out the pencil and paper once more. They suggested that I make a list of all the people I had harmed and that I'd be willing to make amends to them all.
And then they suggested that I make amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. And so I made this list. I put myself at the head of the list because I had always said that it was my life I was ruining, it was my money I was spending which was a lie, it was my business I was ruining, it was always my this, my that. And I was bankrupt mentally because I wanted to commit suicide, spiritually because I'd forgotten about God, physically because I was a physical wreck, and bankrupt financially because I owed everybody. And then I listed my family and relatives whom I'd lied to, borrowed from, stole from, cheated. And I listed my friends and business associates who I'd always been very considerate of because I treated them just like members of the family. And I listed all of my creditors and they were legion.
It wasn't anybody I didn't know that I didn't owe. Then I listed two deceased people. My father had died shortly before I came into the AA program and had not had the pleasure of seeing me sober up. And I listed a very beloved sister of mine who died just before I came into AA. It was her dying wish that I do something about my drinking problem. Now this business of making amends is not the most difficult thing in the world. This business of making amends is learning how to be honest. This business of making amends is learning how to treat our family and friends with kindness, with consideration, with respect. I've come to believe that making amends is learning how to apply the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And I went around and saw all of these people I owed money to and told them I wasn't going to be able to pay them back very fast, but be patient. I was going to pay them back. If it had to be in dribs and drabs, they would get every cent they had coming to them. I think I thought it was a stupendous sum when I came into AA. I think I must have owed about $3,500, mostly in barrooms. And today I probably owe $35,000. You see, your credit improves as you sober up. But I told them that eventually they would get paid, and they all did. I just have a different group of creditors today, that's all. And we make amends to these deceased people that I mentioned through the eyes of God by living a better life from the day we accept the AA program. And I think that both my father and sister who are looking down are rewarded with some measure of
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improvement, and the boy they knew was a hopeless alcoholic. And then AA suggested tenth, that we continue to take this inventory of ourselves daily, and when wrong, promptly admit it. But this is not a difficult thing to do. At the end of each day, AA suggests that we ask ourselves, how have we lived this day? And I ask myself a couple of simple questions. Have I been honest in all of my business transactions? How have I treated the people with whom I have come in contact? And I know there are lots of things that I do wrong sometimes during the day. I sometimes cut people short, sometimes get a little sarcastic, sometimes make remarks I shouldn't have made. And when I review the day and relive some of the things that I've done wrong, if it's something that's going to trouble me, I'll try and correct it. And if it's something that isn't going to be troublesome, at least I'll know not to make the same mistake tomorrow. So once again, AA is a program of learning how to live with oneself and learning how to improve one's daily conduct. And then AA suggests eleven, a manner of improving our conduct with God. We try to improve our conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out. Now to me, the important word here is meditation. Not just to pray for the sake of saying I said a prayer today, but to meditate and to think about the things we pray for. And God suggests what we pray for. God suggests that we pray for knowledge, knowledge of his will for us. I like to think that each of us was endowed with a conscience, the ability to distinguish between right and wrong. That when we have a decision to make, if we will ask for God's guidance, if we will meditate upon the thing that we have a decision to make about, and we ask for God's guidance, we will instinctively know the right answer. We will immediately know what is right and what is wrong. God speaks to us through our conscience. Then we have to do something more. AA suggests we pray for the power to carry it out. Even though we know the right answer, there's lots of times we rather do our will than God's will. Why? Because it's more pleasing to the senses, or because it's more profitable, or just because we're downright stubborn. But if we apply this eleventh suggestion to our daily living, we will have the right answer to most of our decisions, or to all of our decisions. And then if we pray for the strength to carry out God's will, the chances are we will garner that strength. And then AA suggests twelfth, that if we have had a spiritual experience or awakening as the result of these suggestions, that we carry this message to other alcoholics. And secondly, that we practice these principles in all of our affairs. Now, to carry this message to other alcoholics, the message is the program of AA to try and bring the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to other alcoholics. We carry this message in many ways, but believe me, the most important is by But believe me, the most important is by being a good example, by being sober.
Next, by attending meetings, because without the group to which we can take the newcomer,
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he would not have the opportunity of seeing that we have an organization that truly works. Something that he can latch on to with blind faith. And if he does latch on to it with blind faith, he has a chance, too, of becoming one of us. And then to practice these principles in all of our affairs. Practice what principles? Practice admitting that we're powerless over alcohol. Practice putting our faith in a power greater than ourselves.
Practice turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, or trying to live according to the tenets of our own religion. Practice taking our own inventory and not the other fellows. Practice admitting our own character defects and being willing to do something about those that we admit, and humbly asking God to help us get rid of our shortcomings. And practice making amends by trying to live according to the golden rule.
And then practice giving this program away to the millions of sufferers who are still with us, who have not yet found the answer to their alcoholic problem. If we do these things, we reap the benefits that no amount of money can buy. Happiness, peace of mind, contentment, security, and a continuous program of self-improvement. These are the rewards that are ours, free for the taking, if we but give ourselves to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Now in closing, I would just like to make a little analogy between the Lord's prayer and the AA prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Courage to change the things I can. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil. And the wisdom to know the difference. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.
And now if you will, would you join me in the Lord's prayer, and we'll close the meeting. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen.
Thank you.