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Source: Winnie E – OAR 1979 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: winnie-e-oar-1979-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:05:26
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Hi, everybody. My name is Linnie Eddy. I'm the wife of an alcoholic, a member of Al-Anon, and I don't always appreciate either one. Hi, Linnie. Hi, Linnie. That's a mask, Mike, Linnie. Talk right into it. Yeah. Oh, boy. If anybody had told me I was going to spend a whole weekend with this many women, I'd have told them they were nuts. Because, I don't know, but before I get started, I would very much like to thank the committee.
Even though, see, I don't have that thing to read, so I'm free to say what I want to. Because I am just having a ball. This is the most beautiful place. I'm not going to go any farther, because I'll start to cry. I don't cry till the end, so, anyhow. But I am very happy to be here. I only have one story, and, I don't know, I don't think I'd change it if I could, you know, because I'm like the alcoholics.
I'm one of those people that had to go through all the lousy things that I had to go through before I was ready for this program. Because I didn't come for any of the good reasons. I didn't come because I wanted it, because I needed it, or even because I thought it would help me. You know, I didn't know if there was anything wrong with me. I came because I'm married to a nut. He went into the hospital to do something about his drinking, and one of the conditions was that he attend AA meetings.
At an AA meeting, he heard of Al-Aman, so he sat right down, wrote a letter to those people, and told them there was something wrong with me. And, when I got here, I didn't stay for any of the good reasons. You know, I didn't stay because I liked it, or was really taken with any of that. In other words, no lightning bolt hit me. There was one female there that was the nastiest woman I had ever met.
And I decided to outfit her. It wasn't so much what she said to me, you know, because she really didn't say anything. She just looked at me, and she went… And she knitted. And that upset me, because I don't knit. I think I'm probably the only person that the Red Cross ever suggested should wrap bandages instead of knit sweaters, you know. And so, if you've got a picture of that female with her knitting needles going click, click, click, while her tongue went…
You know why I'm here. And I really didn't believe I was sick until I began to like her. And then I went to my sponsor, and I told her, I said, you know, I think I'm beginning to like her. And my sponsor said, that's all right. That's all she ever said to me, you know. I could have told her, I shot the Pope, she would have said, that's all right. And I said, well, I think I'm beginning to like her.
That's all she ever said to me, you know. I could have told her, I shot the Pope, she would have said, that's all right. And I said, no, it's not all right. And she said, well, why isn't it? And I said, because I've never changed my mind about anybody. And I never had. Because, you see, there were three groups of people in my life. Those that you encouraged, those that you tolerated, and those that you ignored.
And I didn't know until I'd been around Al-Aman for quite a long time that probably my own inability to accept the things I cannot change cheated me out of a lot of relationships that would have meant a great deal to me. Now, I happen to know that there probably are some alcoholics in here, maybe double winners or what have you, and I have a very deep respect for alcoholics, so I like to give them their message first.
Because you know how they are. They may not stick around until you give it to them, and I'm not sure that I have a message for them. I was talking down in Fontana one time, which is a little town just east of where I live, and after the meeting a girl came up to me and she said, where are you going to be the next time? And I said, well, I'm not sure, why? Oh, she said, I'd just love to have my husband hear you.
Oh, I figured I must have said something profound and I'd better find out what it is, so I asked her, I said, do you think I could help your husband? Well, not really, she said, but after he hears you, he'll be glad he got me. So that may be the only message that the alcoholics are going to get. And it works in our team, too.
[00:05:01]
But anyhow, as I say, I only have the one story, and I try to follow the prescription that the book suggests by telling a little bit about what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today. Although in my case, in California, I tell you a little bit about what I used to be like, what happened, and let you guess. Because there are some people that are still not sure I'm going to make it.
But that's all right, too, today, you know, because they told me that it was in my own time, in my own way, I could do whatever I wanted to do with my life. And this group that I see here today kind of remind me of the day that I graduated, from Al-Anon, that is. I'd only been around about three months, but I was getting a little tired of it, because I'd memorized everything and nothing had changed.
And so I called my sponsor, because I felt that she was entitled to an explanation. And after I told her that I felt that I had gotten all I was going to get, she said, well, think it over. You may never be a good example, but you can always be a bad one. And you know, after I got to thinking about it, when you're nothing, being a bad example is a promotion. So, that's why I'm here. I grew up in a family where there was a drinking problem.
And I used to say my father was an alcoholic, but I don't know whether he was or not. You know, he didn't think he was. He thought he was a social drinker. He lived as a social drinker and he died as a social drinker. But he liked it. And when I wasn't helping him, he liked me, too. But in growing up, well, first of all, when I came to Al-Anon, I could spot an alcoholic two miles away. Anybody that was going into a bar, coming out of a bar, standing in front of a liquor store, or just looking strange.
To me, he was an alcoholic, because that's what I was accustomed to. Strange people, you know. And I used to wonder, what is there about me that attracts strange people? But, in growing up, it wasn't so much what my father did that bothered me, it was what my father wouldn't do that bothered me. Because, you see, I'm a born researcher. And as soon as I was able, I began to research fathers. You know, you go up and down the block, and you watch the father, and you watch the kid, and you watch the father, and you watch the kid.
Then you go home and you look at yours. Nothing. And I made a few suggestions. But I was raised in a hard-headed Irish family, and my father refused to take instructions from a four or five, six-year-old, whatever I happened to be. And so I got even with him. I ignored him. And that set a pattern in my life that probably was responsible for my ending up in Al-Anon. But when I went away to school, I could be honest about my mother, about my brothers, about my sister, but never my father.
Always described him the way I wished he was. Sort of a composite picture of all the good things I thought a father ought to be. And of course, that made my life pretty miserable, because it meant nobody could go home with me. Because if they did, they were going to find out one of two things right now. The man that was living with my mother was not my father. Or that I was the biggest liar that ever came down the pipe.
Now, I never considered myself a liar. I looked upon myself as a diplomat. Because I didn't lie. Because I didn't lie. I just didn't tell the truth. And I thought there was a difference. You see, I learned at a very early age that people anticipate what they're going to say. So if you lead them up to a certain point and stop, they guess what you would have said if you'd have gone on, you know. And they're very poor guessers, but I never felt I should be held responsible for their inadequacy.
And I have trouble with that even sometimes today, because since my husband's been sober and taken an interest in my welfare, which is a nice way of saying he don't tell me to get lost as often as he used to, but if I'm going someplace that's quite a ways away, he usually volunteers to go with me. Now, this is a test of serenity, at least mine. Because I'm married to the original, don't know where he's going when he leaves, he don't know where he is when he gets there, and he don't know where he's been when he gets there.
But if he goes with me, he directs me every single way, you know. And we're at opposite ends of the pole when it comes to being anything alike. Because I'm married to a thinker. Sometimes he thinks two, three weeks beforehand, you know. Which is all right, I mean, I'm getting used to that.
[00:10:01]
But since he's given up drinking, he's taken up dusting. You know, he dusts around you and over you and gives you that feeling of being dirty or unwanted. I'm not sure which. But we were playing golf one day and I happened to look over and he was dusting the golf cart. And I thought, this is ridiculous, you know. So when I got back in the cart, I merely said to him, when you die, I'm going to bury you in a plastic bag.
And he didn't say anything, so I didn't say anything. But about two weeks later, we were having a cup of coffee. And out of a clear blue sky, he said, I don't think that was very nice. He thought it over and he didn't like the bag idea. But anyhow, I'm one of those people that reacts immediately. You know, I try to get it done before you tell me what you want me to do. If I walked into this room and you're all down on your hands and knees looking for something, I'd go right down and help you.
Now, I don't even know what I'm looking for, but that's not important. It's just, get in there, you know. And so you put two people like that together in one automobile, and you've got a problem. Because you've got one that's cleaning the inside of the windshield, and the other one's trying to find out where the hell she is. Anyhow, on this particular night, I had been asked to come down to Chula Vista, which is down near San Diego, and I just couldn't face going that far with him.
You know, I was having one of my moments of growth. And I didn't want to tell him I didn't want him to go with me, because you know how they are. They get their feelings hurt, and you spend two weeks making amends, you don't even know what you've done. And so I merely said to him, I'm going to a meeting, he said okay, and I left. Only that night I didn't get home at 10.30 or a quarter of 11. It was more like a quarter of one.
And when I opened the door, there he stood in my spot with that… With that age-old question, you know, where the hell have you been? And without even thinking, you know, I said, well how far do you think it is to Chula Vista? Now he accused me of lying to him, but I didn't lie to him. See, I didn't tell him I wasn't going to Chula Vista, and if he had said, Winnie, are you going to Chula Vista, I was willing to say yes.
Are you getting the picture? If you were bright enough to ask the right question, you got the whole story, and if you weren't, you were stuck with what you thought. And I might add that if you've never tried it, it ain't worth the trouble, because it gets you into a lot of trouble. But anyhow, my dad did have one habit that kind of slopped over into later years, and that was sleeping on the living room floor.
Now it wasn't that he liked sleeping on the living room floor, it was the way it worked out. You know, he'd come home and he'd sit down and he'd lean down and he'd lay down. And that usually meant he was good for the night, and my mother, being the type person she was, let me understand that if I was tending to my business, he shouldn't bother me. So I used to step over him and go about my business.
But what I should have done was step on him. You know, because he bothered me on that living room floor. And when I got one of my own that used to pick to do your places to sleep, I didn't care if he was on the porch, the lawn, I would have preferred something like the San Bernardino Freeway, you know. Because he had a double indemnity clause in his insurance, and that was one of the first games that Eddie and I ever played, you know.
I kept the premiums paid and he took vitamins with his beer. I couldn't stand him on the living room floor. And I can remember that this minute, taking him by the heels, you know, and I'd pull him and his head bounced. And I loved it when his head bounced. You know, there's something about that thud that makes you feel good deep down inside. Because I wanted to hurt him the way I thought he was trying to hurt me.
And drunk as he was, you know, he'd say, you're not mad at me. You're mad at your father, you know. And I had one standard answer when I compared it to you, my father was a boy scout. And the tragedy of that is that that's what I tried to live with. You see, a long time ago, probably farther back than I'll ever admit to, reality became something that I couldn't face. Reality became something that meant misery for me, and so I began to play a game of let's pretend,
[00:15:05]
which is okay if you're still three, four, five, six years old. But if you do, I came to Al-Anon, and you're anything like I am. You end up in a nightmare, a nightmare that you don't know how to get out of. Now, I don't know what happened to the man that I met, fell in love with, and permitted to marry me. But as soon as he was mine, I decided to help him. I wanted to help him become what I knew he wanted to be for my sake. And I'm not well enough to define that for you. You'll have to figure it out for yourself. But I will tell you one thing that I didn't tell him, and that is that my health is deadly. I had friends that wouldn't tell me they were in trouble for fear I'd help them. Because I have a natural knack for lousing things up. And I don't know why, you know, it's just one of those ways. Of course, Eddie and I seemed to be friends. When we got married, we became competitors. He spent his life trying to outwit me, and I spent my life trying to outwit him, and the upshot of the whole thing is that we ended up a couple of halfwits.
But he was in the Navy, he was a full lieutenant, he was a professional man, and I didn't go into this blindly, you know, because like I told you in the beginning, I'm a born researcher, and I researched the Navy. And I happened to come across the table of operations, and I noticed that there was only a couple of lines between what he was and what I decided to help him become, which was Admiral. Now, I knew they only had one Admiral in the Dental Corps, but I only had one man in mind for the job, and it didn't look as difficult as it turned out to be. Had I been even halfway bright, I would have joined the Navy myself, because I showed up every day. No one had to look for me. And I would have made a marvelous shore patrolman, because when I'd show up and find out Eddie hadn't shown up, that's when I used to hunt for him. And I had a little bit of bird dog in me, you know, just put my nose to the ground and away I'd go, and sooner or later I'd find him. Of course, by the time I found him, he was in no shape for me letting anybody else find him, so that's when I used to hide him. We played hide-and-seek for years. He didn't even know there was a game going on. But after he came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought I had to help him with the program, because I wasn't sure he was bright enough to get what they said they were willing to give him. So I would go to every meeting, and I had a little notebook, and I would jot down just a few of the pertinent things that applied to his peculiar case, and then I'd spoon-feed it to him, you know, during the week, so that in case they had an examination or something, he could at least read.
And I heard two things that are worse than drinking. There are a lot of things worse than drinking. Sobriety, for instance. Oh, I sometimes wonder if it isn't harder to watch him grow up than it is to throw up. One of the things that I heard was sleep teaching, and I got myself a big A.A. book, and every night, just as Eddie would go to sleep, I would open it to Chapter 5, and I would read to him. Rarely have we seen a person fail that has truly followed our path.
I memorized the whole fifth chapter, dummy swept through the whole thing. And I sometimes think when we're at an A.A. meeting outside our own area, you know, where people don't really know which one it's with, it's always me they come up to, and they'll say, keep coming back, honey, because it works. Oh, boy, I heard a fella in Lancaster, an A.A. fella, a couple of months ago, and he said that when he first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the things that kept him from being able to identify right away was the fact that none of them looked like alcoholics.
And he figured that he'd been in about 15 and a half years, he'd met, oh, approximately a quarter of a million alcoholics, and of those, only 10 really looked like alcoholics. And they turned out to be Al-Anon. So that ought to give you an idea of what you got up against you. But anyhow, the other thing I heard was, you can't get drunk if you're grateful. Now, right after I came to Al-Anon, they removed from my vocabulary a few of my better phrases, such as, you had better not be drunk tonight. If I smell liquor on your breath this evening, your clothes will be on the porch. My neighbors thought I was some kind of a fresh air nut.
I put them out every night, put them in every morning. But they wouldn't let me say that,
[00:20:01]
you see. So I had to find some way to get the message across to him and still stay within the narrow confines of this organization. And so I latched right on to that, that gratitude, and every morning when Eddie would leave to go to the office, I would say, remember, today is a great day. And he'd say, for what? I used to give him things to be grateful for, and I wasn't almost, you know, that grateful myself in those days, but I happened to remember this game of hide-and-seek. And so I explained to him, because I was a great explainer, you know. I never could say yes or no. I had to, would you believe that people that ask me directions leave before I'm finished?
They'd rather be lost, you know. But, anyhow, I explained to him that, when he used to drink excessively, it had been necessary for me to hide him in some rather out of the way places that I'd never lost him. So be grateful, you know. And I did put him in some strange places. The one I tell about all the time, I tell primarily because it points out so many things about me, and it happened down at the Long Beach Naval Station. They had a mock submarine just inside this entry gate, and I came across Lloyd John with his six-pack of beer in front of this mock submarine at the exact moment that I spotted this commanding officer coming from the opposite direction. And I had just told that man one of my better stories, which meant I had to get rid of him. I mean, you can understand that. And so he was living proof that I hadn't told the whole story. And, but you have to remember that Eddie had gotten conditioned to me.
When I came to Al-Anon, I had one of the greatest pitching arms in the business. I could throw a full six-pack of beer farther than he had strength enough to retrieve it. So if I was around and he had a six-pack of beer, you know, he'd hold it like he was making an endurance sometimes. And so getting him in the sub wasn't as hard as it sounds, just help him up and sell down. But getting him out, now, that was a whole new ballgame, because he wouldn't hand me the beer. He didn't touch me. And I have many times wondered what that sentry thought of that female, half in, half out of the counting tower of that darn submarine, finally coming up with this lieutenant commander holding his beer in his hand. He didn't know whether he was going up or down, you know, because I used to go on that base like I owned it in my housecoat and my curlers.
I don't really think the alcoholics fully appreciate that we give up in order to help others. In my particular case, it was dressing. But I always had a choice, you know, I could always go to bed in whatever I was going to wear the next day. But you don't have that stupidable feeling you get with that old housecoat, you know. In fact, mine had double duty. I had one of those chenille numbers, you know.
And they crawl a lot of chenille out here, didn't they? And when I get nervous, I fuck it, you know. And I used to think I was responsible for the first bag rugs. You never had to ask where I'd been, you just had to watch. I left a trail. But anyhow, I'll tell you, one of the mysteries of my life is how far them son of a guns can get while you're combing your hair. Anyhow, I guess you know how I felt when he came home and announced he had resigned from the Navy, you know. I was like somebody that lost his business. Because for some peculiar reason, I felt responsible for making something out of that thing.
And I never blamed the drinker, you know. Maybe it's because I used to like to drink, I liked to go to the cocktail parties, I enjoyed the change of command parties. I didn't even mind making a darn fool out of myself once in a while. But he wanted to make a career out of it, you know. And I could never get it across to him that if you're invited to a cocktail party on Friday, you can come home on Friday. You don't have to stay on Monday.
But it's my opinion, and that's all I'm offering is the way I think, but in my opinion, as he became addicted to the alcohol, I became addicted to him. Because as his drinking increased, mine decreased. If you had met me when I first came to Al-Aman, you would have thought I was the reincarnation of Perry Nation. Because I hated booze. I hated the people that sold it, I hated the people that made it, I hated the people that drank it. That's how I got such a long list of resentments. You know, because I didn't just hate people, I hated whole towns.
[00:25:00]
It was just that way. But anyway, I was trying to figure out, what am I going to do with him now? And while I was trying to figure it out, I happened to remember his mother. Now, I didn't like his mother. I didn't have any particular reason except she was his mother. But, I don't know, she just showed up at the wrong time, if you know what I mean. I did him grooves so that I could plan my day. You know, peel the potatoes at 4.30, start looking for him at 5. We'll text him about 6, talk him into coming home at 7, he can eat at 8. She'd come out to California, he'd come home at 4.30, and what am I going to do with them till 8 o'clock?
And besides that, he didn't believe in drinking anything but water. So it suddenly dawned on me, that's his problem. You see, he hadn't been raised in a social drinking family such as mine, so the poor thing just didn't know how to drink. And I decided to teach him. Have you ever tried to teach a drunk how to drink? You've got one big problem. You've got to get him sober enough to find out if he's learning anything. So, in order to do that, I decided to get him out of California. I hated California. To me, it was one large bar separated by an occasional liquor store. And I decided to get him back to the Middle West, where people are really people. That's where I'm from, you know. And that decision lasted, I would say, maybe five, six hundred miles. Well, until we got to Gallup, New Mexico. And I made my first mistake, I stopped. And he got into a bar that I was afraid to follow him into, so we spent three of the most lousy days of my life in Gallup, New Mexico.
Now, from where I was sitting, he and a tribe of Indians went in. And I know what Indians and fire water do when they get mixed up together, so they weren't going to get me in that God forsaken place. I sat outside and waited. Never dawned on me there was a back door. He went in the front door, out the back door, wherever he wanted to go, in the back door, out the front door, and there was old faithful Bob and I where he left her. And I always like to mention the little Indian squad that was standing there that day. Well, hell, she was there for three days. First time I looked over and saw her, you know, I was really embarrassed for her. That she would allow herself to be degraded by standing in front of that place. I'm across the street making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for five children, but she looked strange to me. Second day she looked pretty good, and the third day I kind of liked her, you know. She had her side of the street and I had mine. But while I was there, I had to make one of my many decisions, and my life has been one decision after another.
I decided that I would never again stop where the human race could contaminate my husband. Now, if you're driving across country in an automobile and you don't intend to stop, you have to make adjustments. And sometimes people would tell me that Texas had dry counties, so that's the adjustment I made. I mapped out a course so that I never stopped unless I was in a dry county. Didn't do any good. We got just as drunk in a dry one as we would have in a wet one.
But when you're going crazy on a slow, easy plan, this helps. Because you can spend hours wondering, where did he get it? I don't know where he got it. I know today that if I'd have locked him in a closet, he'd have come out drunk, and I don't know where they get it. But my kids think Texas is the biggest place on earth, because it took us almost two weeks to get through it. The dummy didn't tell me that Texas puts one dry one between two wet ones, and we just damn near never get out of Texas, that's all. We just kept going back and forth, you know. But it's kind of an unwritten law, you know, the kids would say, if you've got anything to do, get out, get it done, and get back so she'll never miss you.
And that's about the way it was. See, I put them in the back when I left, and I expected them to be back there when I got there, and they were. Thank God, because I never looked back there. I concentrated on that seat, and if it was full, we went, and if it was empty, we waited. See how simple it was? Of course, God alone knows how much travel time we lost when we got in the back by mistake, because I never looked back there, you know. And I could depend on those kids not telling me, because one of their favorite whispers was, don't upset her.
And I just can't understand it, you know. Of course, in my opinion, my kids never reacted to the alcoholic. My kids reacted to my reaction to the alcoholic, because Eddie came home drunk lots of times, and he did lots of strange things, but they expected it. They knew he was drunk, they knew he was. Expected it. They knew he was drunk, they knew he was going to do strange things, and he never disappointed them.
[00:30:00]
But what do you do about me? I never knew whether I was getting up, going to bed, going around in circles. I was always in a quandary. And I had one boy. I couldn't keep that kid in school. Take him to school, he'd leave me home. And after he got to go into Alateen, and I got to go into Al-Anon, and we could talk as people instead of God and the little child, which is the way it was. And I asked him one day, I said, Billy, why wouldn't you go to school? Didn't you like school?
He said, sure I did, Mom, but I was afraid you'd move bombs on. And that can be a very real fear to a kid, you know. But anyhow, I finally got to Harrisburg, Illinois, which I chose very carefully. It was my mother-in-law's hometown. I didn't like her, but I didn't mind using her. And she'd gotten herself elected secretary of the WCPU, so I figured what's a better place to teach a drunk how to drink than underneath the nose of the Women's Christian Conference Union.
So I had that nice, comfortable feeling that you get when you have finally figured it out. And of course, the first morning we were there, Eddie asked could he take the car down and have it serviced, because this is one thing about my husband. He always asked my permission before he did as he damned pleased. But I had the checkbook, the credit cards, the money, the keys, I had everything. And I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him, so I made magnanimous gestures, take your car, have it serviced.
And he repaid me, as he always did, by coming home drunker than I had ever seen him before. Now, I had no quarrel with the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, because my husband was always drunker than I'd ever seen him before. A couple of times he protested his innocence, but when you watch a man walk through the door in the morning, and you say to yourself that so-and-so will be drunk when he gets home, so you don't wash the dishes, you don't make the bed, you don't sweep the floor, you don't do anything except plan.
How you can make his life miserable for what you know he's doing to you. Now, if he comes home sober, and you admit it, you're crazy. Because you don't have anybody else to blame for the way the place looks. But on this particular day, it was pretty loaded, so while I was packing, I happened to remember, being a native born Missourian, that Kansas is a dry state. But don't you believe it. Everything they drink in Missouri, they must haul over from Kansas, because we were there less time than we were in Illinois, until he found a bar within walking distance, because naturally, I took the car away from him.
Just like you would any other ten-year-old child that you're taking care of. And so every day he'd walk down to this godforsaken place, and it kind of tickled me. After he got to Alcoholics Anonymous, he told me that on this little John, he had to pass the Catholic Church. Now, I'm Catholic, but he's not. In fact, for years I thought I was doing penance for marrying that Methodist. But, uh, he took the time one day to go into that church, light a candle, and say a prayer for me.
And then he noticed a sign that said the candle cost a quarter, and he didn't want to spend a quarter, so he blew it out. I've never had nerve enough to ask him was he praying for me or against me. Because that's about the time the fun started. Now, in my opinion, and that's all I'm offering, as I said before, is the way I think, but in my opinion, the non-alcoholic is by far sicker than the alcoholic.
Because you take a drunk to a meeting, and you get him sober, and right now you're going to see a difference. If he takes someone like me, perfect. Never did anything that I couldn't explain, if I had enough time. Devoted my life to my family, to my children, to the community, to the Red Cross, to the D.A.R., anything I could get my hands on, really. And tell me I'm sick. How can you be sick and do what I did?
Or that I have to change? How do you improve on purpose? And that's what I was. Oh, miserable, sure, but perfectly miserable. Nothing upset me like a good day. Have you ever had one of those? Where everything goes right, nobody needs you? And you worry and worry and worry. What's the matter with this day? Because I'm a born loser, see. You give me a problem, and I'll solve it every time. Sit down, pour a cup of coffee, light a cigarette, and worry.
The other reason I think that the non-alcoholic is sicker is because in my particular case, when Eddie would quit drinking, I'd begin to wonder, what did I do to stop him?
[00:35:00]
Was it something he ate? And while I'm trying to figure out what stopped him, he'd start again. Now I've got to figure out what starts him, so if I ever find out what stops him, I'll never start him again. Over and over and over. But anyhow, I quit drinking all of a sudden there in Kansas, and I had decided to help him become a millionaire. And I didn't know what started his drinking, so I didn't want to upset him, so I didn't tell him what I had in mind.
I just read one page in a dental book, picked out a small, unsuspecting town in the state of Missouri that needed a dentist, went down to see a friend of my father's in Kansas City who, unfortunately for him, was in the dental supply business, and I talked that man into giving me $70,000 worth of dental equipment. I had one of the most beautiful dental offices you have ever seen. And I had patients, too.
But I had no dentist. Because while I was busy setting up that office and doing all the things that you have to do, he found the one place I'd overlooked when I canvassed that town. A bar called Blondie's. My husband always went into those exotic places. Have any idea how many dew drop-ins there are in this country? Towards the end of his drinking, I didn't pray that he stopped. I just thought, God, let him get lost in the Hilton just once, you know.
But he was only out of that bar and in that office once, to the best of my recollections, and that's when a man came in that I decided to help. So I went down to Blondie's. Now, I don't know about you, but I used to take on a kind of a crazy, hattie look, you know. My hair would stand right straight up, and it wasn't so much that my eyes came out, but my skin went back. And I had a kind of a ferocious look, you know.
And I dared him not to do something. And he's not the world's bravest man. He'd usually do it, and he did. He went back to the office with me, and as we walked in, this jerk says, Listen, Doc, I'm allergic to Novocaine, but I got my own anesthesia. So he took his bottle out of his pocket. He had a drink. The dentist had a drink. They filled the tooth, and they both went back to Blondie's. And that's when I made up my mind that that town could suffer.
I wouldn't help them. And yet tonight, as I have been many other nights and many other days, I'm grateful that drunk as he was, sick as he was, he had a deeper sense of self-limitation, drunk, than I did cold, sober. Because, you see, those people were not people to me. I didn't care whether he helped them or whether he didn't. I don't think in the final analysis that I even cared whether I helped him or not.
I had become so involved in his life that for some reason I thought that if he changed, I would be all right. But that's not the way it happened. At least it isn't for me. I was one of those people that was raised on all the wrong clichés. Behind every successful man is a good woman. And a good woman all my life couldn't find a successful man. Or success. That was the thing that used to beat me to death.
You have to do something with your life. You have to be a success. I didn't even know what it was. And yet I spent years trying to be a success. But now it's my life with his. Because, you see, I thought that if I made a success out of him, that the reflection would make me feel better. And I didn't know until I came to Al-Anon really what success was all about. You see, I found out that it isn't something to invite people over to or drive them around the block in or wear to a party.
At least it isn't for me. For me today, success is the ability to get up in the morning, walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and know who I am. To be able to stand here tonight and say, My name is Woody Eddie and I know who I'm talking about. Because that's the thing that has made me more comfortable than anything else. I spent my life trying to be somebody's mother, somebody's wife, somebody's daughter, somebody's granddaughter, somebody's niece, somebody's something.
But I never knew what it was until I got to Al-Anon. Now, I have eight children, as they told you. You have to count them if they creep in just like I did. Because I was always surprised, you know. Of course, Eddie was a little surprised when he sobered up and touted them as a group. But when I left California I had five and I knew I was expecting a baby, but I always lived on a schedule. You know, make the beds at 7 o'clock which is an easy when they don't get up till 8.
And you come on down with all these other impossible things. And having a baby was way down at the bottom, you know. I mean, when you've got five, a baby's no big deal. So, I didn't do very much about it.
[00:40:02]
Well, I'd been busy, you know, with the office and the dentist and the nurse and everything. But it was getting close to the time. So, I went up to Kansas City to see this doctor. And whether you realize it or not, doctors are very happy people. You know, most of them are glad you're sick, but they're happy. And I got the joy of the whole bunch, you know. You should have seen the… Oh, he gave me the red carpet treatment.
You know, patted me on the back, kissed my cheek, shook my hand, and then he hit me with the bat. He said, Eddie, you're going to have twins. Yeah, that's what I said. I almost cried in his office. You know, because I wasn't really counting on one, he's insisting on two. And I got problems. I got a dental office with no dentist plus five and that thing I don't know what to do with. And besides, I knew what Eddie was going to say when I told him because he said it.
There are no twins in my family. I got so involved defending my moral character that I forgot there were twins in my family. It wasn't until after they arrived and my mother said, Isn't it nice to have another set of twins? All of a sudden, it was fabulous, she said, Alice. I said, Well, why didn't you tell me? She said, You didn't ask me. That's not surprising. I never ask anybody anything. I mean, can you think of a better way to let people find out you don't know something than to ask them?
Even when I was lost. You know, I'd drive into a filling station and I'd say to the attendant, Where are you located? Because I knew that if I found out where he was, I'd know where I was. But anyhow, at the appointed time, I went into the hospital. And here again, hospitals are very happy places. You know, there are people that are happy to go out there. Some of them are happy to go. Everybody's happy.
And I'd been happy once, but it hadn't worked out well. So I didn't really want what they had. And so as soon as I was able, I had a phone put in. And when I thought I was getting happy, I just picked up the phone and called the office. Now, I knew Eddie wasn't going to answer it. I wasn't even sure he knew there was a phone in there. But the point I'm trying to make is that I don't need him to make me miserable.
Or you, or them out there, or anybody. All I have to have is a little bit of time to think. To wonder. Where is he? Is he going to be well? And what is he doing? While I'm happy? Fifteen minutes, that's all it takes. You're having hysterics, you know. And the poor nurse doesn't know what happened to you. You haven't even had a visitor and you look like you've been run over by a truck. Because contrary to popular belief, being a martyr is not easy.
That's a 24-hour-a-day concentrated effort. Or you don't get the look. You know, you've got to have circles down the head. Preferably with that. Here are things that are just kind of worn in, you know. And if you play it right, you get the ultimate. That twitch, that… Almost drives you crazy, you know. Mine got so bad that even the priest gave up on me, you know. I used to invite Father down to bless the house every once in a while with holy water, you know.
I'd figure maybe to do something. And then I'd always serve him tea. And I don't know what happened to me. It must have been, well I don't know what it was, but every time I'd reach for his cup I'd hit his lap, you know. He finally wouldn't come anymore. Anyhow. Can you imagine giving up all that for this? That's what I had to do. Yeah. I told you Eddie wrote the letter. And I resented it in the beginning, but I'm very grateful that he wrote it today.
I'm also grateful to God as I understand him that he sent me a sponsor who had the patience of Job. Because I wasn't uneasy enough to crack, you know. Thursday came out, found front door nail shut. I had to, you know. I was in no state to cover two doors. And I always did sentry duty, you know. I never could figure whether I was staying up to catch him when he came in or to keep him from going out.
Anyhow, she went around to the back and found the car in the driveway. The coffee pot was boiling on the stove. She came in here. She came in and she yoohooed me. Well, now, this girl who came in here, came in and she Yoo-Hooed me a couple of times, but she couldn't find me. Took her three years to get up enough nerve to ask me where I was hiding, and by that time, I'd forgotten, so, um…
[00:45:02]
But she went next door, and she asked this little old lady, you know, whether or not Mrs. Duddy was at home, and Mrs. Martin said, well, there was a message for you. And I resented that, too. You know, because I never bothered that woman. You know, once, we almost got trapped in the backyard together, and… But, anyhow, when she left that night, whatever she brought in with her, left with her, and I gave her just time enough to get home, and then I called her and told her that something very important had come up, and I would be unable to attend the meeting as scheduled.
Now, I hadn't even done anything unimportant for a long time, but I couldn't let her find that out. I couldn't let her know how unimportant I was. Because, you see, if she found out, then I'd know. And that should have been the first thing from the armor. That should have been the first time that I began to realize that I never hid from you. I hid from me. You see, all my life, I was afraid that I wasn't going to measure up to what I thought you thought I ought to be.
And so I built a wall. A wall to keep you from finding out the phony I thought I was. And I didn't know until I came down that you can't even be a phony until you find out who you are. So I want you to know that behind that wall, it's the loneliest place on earth. They talk about the loneliness of the alcoholics, and I agree. I think they are very, very lonely people. But I don't think it holds a candle to the loneliness of the non-alcoholics, because at least part of the time they're anesthetized, but not me.
I felt every real or imaginary hurt, year after year after year. Because I married to a man that didn't remember the things I couldn't forget. He was always saying things that he didn't remember. But I buried them so deep that I couldn't get rid of them. I went to my first meeting in Azusa, California, and I hope I never forget it. I don't ever want to get to be an old-timer on this program, because I was an old-timer when I got here, and I'm a hundred years younger than I was then.
But I want to remember what it's like to walk into a room where nobody asks you who you are, where you came from, what your husband does, how many children you have. All they do is just put their hand out and say, my name is Betty. I didn't have to tell her who I was. I couldn't answer all those questions. You see, I hadn't been able to have children for years. Everything about me made me ashamed. Having eight children almost drove me up the wall.
Because when I got to California and people would say, how many children do you have? And I'd say, eight. And their next question, to a good devout Catholic mind, was, how many times have you been married? So I quit telling them the truth. You know, how do you hide eight children? A girl from Montreal was describing to me what I think is my, what I like to think Al-Anon is. It's the end of a road to hell.
She said when she went to her first meeting, she walked in, and she said, I was so upset that when the girl introduced herself, all I could say was, I've been to hell and back. She said, but she never batted an eye. She just smiled sweetly and said, well, isn't it strange then that we've never met before? She said, that's the way it is. We walk a road to hell. But like I told you in the beginning, I'm not an easy nut to crack. It didn't take me long to figure them women out.
When I went back to my second meeting, I took as much of the free literature as I could get, and I figured I'd get it and get out before they even know what hit them. Memorize the steps, memorize the traditions, waited 24 hours, and then I complained. Because nothing had changed in my life. You know, and I told my sponsor, I said, I've memorized the steps, memorized the traditions. You really don't have to memorize them, dear.
You worked them. I figured, well, I've got to stick with them. Because there wasn't one direction. There was no text, there was no, a bunch of words. She did make one mistake. She said, they use the same steps in Al-Anon that they use in Alcoholics Anonymous, so that's the way I worked them. The first one said I was powerless over alcohol, which I wasn't, and that my life had become unmanageable, which it wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for him.
So I figured that's his, so I skipped it. The second one had an unfortunate word, it said, came to believe that a power greater than myself was for certain. It said, restore me to sanity. Now, to analyze that, you've got to be crazy before you're restored. I wasn't, but he was, so I left that one for him, too. The third one I skipped for both of us, you know. Because it asked me to turn my will of my life over to the care of God, as I understand him.
[00:50:01]
Well, I understood him, but he didn't understand me. I spent half my life on my knees. Lit so many candles that the fire insurance went up on this church, like Father Fred said. And he'd never answered a prayer of mine, never. I made that statement at an Al-Anon meeting one night. And that famous female of mine, you know, she said, are you sure? And I said, yeah, I'm sure. She said, but while I was driving, did you ever have an accident?
And I said, well, no, not that I'm a good driver. She said, did you ever have a flat tire, or a sick child, or run out of gas? Brought me down through the whole list of things. And had me admitting that I hadn't even had an inconvenient flat tire, you know. And then in her charming way, she said, stupid. Dad was so busy answering the things that were necessary, he didn't have time for that other stuff.
Well, I skipped it anyhow. And I skipped it for Eddie, too, because I didn't hate him enough to turn him over. But I loved the fourth one. Because it says, they can search you in fearless moral inventories. I didn't even see of yourself, you know. I said, I only read far enough to get the idea, and then I do it. And I had kind of a list of the lowest of the lowest. And I had kind of a list of the lousy, low-down things that Eddie had done to me.
You know, sort of a diary. And I was already, you know, I just jotted down a few of the better things, and I'm ready for the fifth step. See how simple it is? But then I ran into a little trouble. I had a list of people that had unsuspectingly given me their telephone numbers. And so I started calling. I'm ready to take the fifth step, you know. That's when I found out what good cooks there are in Al-Anon.
And so I started, and they say, I have something on the stove here. And away they go. And I'm down to the last name. And this is my friend, you know, the one I don't like. And I was going to call her, but then I figured, well, it might ruin her day. Give it to her. And so I called her, and I had just started to tell her what I had in mind. And she said, listen, Winnie, I don't have time for that crap.
Well, I want you to know I hung up on her. And I called my father. I called my sponsor. And of course, anonymity meant nothing to me because I hadn't gotten to that, Jed. I gave her the first name, the last name, the telephone number, and the location of those members of this organization that were not complying with the rules and regulations. And I asked her to refer to the membership committee. And I guess she figured I was ripe or ready or something because she said, Winnie, please, for both our sakes, take the word alcohol out of the first tense.
You're allergic to the word. And I was. And she said, I'm not saying alcohol. I used to say rubbing lotion. She said, put your name in there and then work that step. Now, that's been a long time ago. But even right here, right now, when I say, admitted I was powerless over Winnie and that my life has become unmanageable, I may never get honest enough to tell you all the things that bring to my mind.
But that's not the name of the game. The important thing is I know who's standing on my toes. And it's not my husband, nor my children, nor my neighbors, nor anybody. It's me. Because, you see, I wouldn't let you do to me the things I have done to myself. I wouldn't let you deprive me of the fun and the time I could have spent with my children. I did that. Nobody else. But I don't feel guilty about it.
Because I know that at the time I was doing the best I was capable of doing. And nobody can do better than their best on my screen today. I still had a lot of trouble with the second step. Went around asking people, you know, hypothetical questions about if you think this is crazy, and I was getting all the wrong answers. So I figured, well, I'll ask my mother. You should be able to count on your mother.
And so I asked her one day, I said, do you think it's crazy to take two cars to the grocery store? She said, no, I don't think it's crazy. I think it's impossible. I said, no, it isn't. You go to the market, come back, get the second one, go two blocks past the first one, come back and get the first one. It takes about three hours to get a loaf of bread, but you can do it. She said, yes, I think it's crazy.
So I had to admit that maybe a few of the things that I did were a little you know. But I still didn't like the third one. Because I was so scared to death of God. I came to this program a person that had a lot of religion but absolutely no faith. And I was about to turn my will and my life over to him. And it was making my sponsor unhappy. You know, because when something had come up and I said, what am I supposed to do with this?
And she said, turn it over.
[00:55:02]
But she never told me who, you know. And finally one day I said, who do you want me to give it to? And she said, you turn it over to God. Not me, I said, I'm not turning anything over to God. He's had his time with me and that's it. You know, and I liked her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I began to wonder what could I turn over to him that he couldn't wouse up that would make her happy. And it was a problem, I'll tell you.
Finally one day I called her on the phone and I said, Roma, I've decided to turn something over to God. Good, she said. What are you turning over? He said, mine. She said, your ironing. And I said, well, yes. When I first came down, you told me it was a defective character. But she didn't. And I took care of it right away then, until I quit washing, but I still had a whole lot, you know, in the nice cabinet all folded and ready in case I ever got the urge.
I said, I'm going to turn my ironing over to God. And then I found out God didn't like the ironing either. Because it dropped out of the cabinet and ended up in boxes, it ended up in the rumpus room. It was a mess, I want you to know. And she never came to my house, but I didn't say to her, have you seen my ironing? And she's a meany old lumberjack. All right. Well, I figured if it don't bother her, it don't bother God, it don't bother me.
And then one night I went to an AA meeting. And after the meeting a man came up to me and he said, let's go to an orphanage down in Mexico. And those little buggers could sure use some clothes. So I promised him faithfully I would go right home. I would get the stuff all together and he could pick it up anytime he wanted to. But I'm a procrastinator by profession. By morning I'd forgotten he asked me because he didn't follow me home, you know.
And some time after that, I'm not sure how long, I came home from an Al-Anon meeting one night and Eddie Sidville was by and he picked up the stuff at the orphanage. I said, he did? He said, yeah. I said, where'd you get it? He said, the boxes in the lumber store. Now you can figure it out anywhere you want to. But from that day to this, I've had no problem turning things over to God. Because that was my ironing.
I never would have thought of turning it to Mexico. And he has some of the most unique ways of solving problems. He even made me look good. But I want you to know that I don't make light of the spiritual part of this program. Just to me, it's everything. It's my life. Really. To have someone that you can depend on that will be with you 24 hours a day. That listens to you without getting mad or doing any of those things.
But I still don't think that he wants to see me cry anymore. That's why I love to hear you laugh. Because every time I hear you laugh, I know that you have done some of the things that I have done. Because you're not laughing at me, honey, you're laughing at me. One of the first speeches that I ever heard was a gal that used to start a talk-off by saying, My name is Fran and I love an alcoholic. And I wanted to knock her down.
I mean, getting stuck with one is one thing, but to get up there and brag about it, I thought that was a little risque. So at the next meeting, they always encouraged the newcomer to speak their piece. And I was a perennial newcomer, so I volunteered. But I didn't think they should let the sick ones talk. And just because I made that honest observation, those females gave me an assignment. I was to go home, take Eddie's hand, and say, Eddie, I love you. That's all.
I said, you're kidding. No, that's what you have to do. Well, it took me three months to do it. How do you get a yes or no answer? When I go to that meeting, if one of them females would say, I'd be honest to her. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what they did to you. It took us so long.
[01:00:02]
light was out I I reached over and I took Eddie's hand and I said Eddie I love you. He sat right straight up in bed. He said what the hell is the matter with you now? Which is not life's most romantic answer but I found out something couldn't found out any other way. I found out for the first time that no matter how many times he tells me, no matter how many ways he tries to prove it, no matter to what extremes he goes to convince me of how he feels about me, he's not ready to accept it. He's wasting his time. It's because I control that button. I'm the one that accepts or rejects things that he says that he say that anybody says. I'm the one that makes the mountain out of the molehill. But at the same time I found out for the first time how I feel about him. I found out that it doesn't make any difference what he does. I love him and that's why tonight when I stand here and I say my name is Loni Etty and I love an alcoholic. I don't make excuses for him. I don't try to explain him. I don't try to do anything about it. No. It's just a simple fact and that's what I've got to deal in today. Reality. Now that don't mean that he get along beautifully because he still drives me up a wall. At least I know I'm climbing.
And somebody said to me one time, well you've been around for so long I bet your life just goes around like this. And I said, no it doesn't. It goes just like this. I ride in an elevator. But at least I'm in the car. I'm not getting a cab. People wonder sometimes why I continue to go. Now and on after all this time I'm going to tell you. I go because I learn something new all the time. As I told you in the beginning Eddie and I play a lot of games. And one of them that we play is he looks like he needs a little exercise. Now that means he wants to play golf and he don't have anybody to play with.
So I play the game and I tell him well I would love to except I plan on doing the oven or the kitchen or the back porch or the rumpus room or you know I always pick something I knew he wanted me to do. And we'd bandy that back and forth a little while and then pretty soon he'd say well okay and then he'd go merrily on his way you know play golf and I'm the oven and the kitchen and the back porch. And I didn't like it really but I didn't know what to do about it.
And one night I went to a meeting and I heard this girl say whenever Paul asks me to do something that I really don't want to do I merely say I'd rather not. That sounded pretty good. Well a few nights later I went to another meeting in another area and there she was again said the same thing. Whenever Paul asks me to do something I really don't want to do I merely say I'd rather not. I figured that's heard it twice. It must be a message. So the next time that he looked at me and said looks like you need a little exercise. I said I'd rather not. He said what the hell do you mean rather not?
I said I don't know that's all Maxine ever talks about. Oh boy. We have a lot of fun you know. And I could go on and on but I promised I wouldn't talk too long so I'm going to bring it to a close. And I would like to close with a little poem that I use every time I talk. And it may not mean anything to you but that's okay. Because I'm not here because I think I've got the answer. I'm here because of what you have given to me. My life.
And that's why this little poem is important because I think it's the basis of what you taught me. The first time I heard it I had kind of a mental picture of my kids when they used to come to me with their yo-yos you know. And they'd have the yo-yo clutched in this hand and the string attached to this hand and they'd say come on mom get the knot out of the middle. And there wasn't a way in the world I could get the knot out of the middle unless they gave me the yo-yo.
And the little poem goes like this. As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to make, I took my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help this lady that was my own. At last I snapped and gasped and cried how can you be so slow? My child who said what could I do? You never did let go. If I don't leave anything else I'll let you try to remember. One day at a time. To let go. To let God. And to let the love you feel right here, right now, this minute be a part of your life.
[01:05:13]
Because life is what we get from our love. Thank you for listening to God's Acts.