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Source: Vannoy S – Al-Anon Big Book Study – Part 3 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: vannoy-s-al-anon-big-book-study-part-3-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:19:58
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Taking More Physical Exercises, Reading Inspirational Books, It's Really Nice to Read to Them When They're Drunk, Passed Out, You Think It Will Work, Going to Health Farms, Sanitariums, Accepting Volunteer Commitment to Asylums, We Could Increase the List, Add Infant Items, and I'm Quite Sure that There's Enough Al-Anons in Here That We Could Have a List as Long as This Block of Things to Do to Get Your Husband Sober, Plans, Plans A, Plans B, Plans C, Look on Page 33, To be Gravely Affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time, nor take the quantity some of us have.
This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into a real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. Now I say that also about alcoholic, I mean al-anons, women al-anons. We seem to be going like zip into the madness of trying to stop an alcoholic from drinking, whether it be our husbands, or our children, or our mommies, or our daddies. We try to do it instantly.
Certain drinkers who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics are astonished at their inability to stop. We are familiar with the symptoms, see a large number of potential alcoholics, many of them young, but try and get them to see it. As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we quit on our own willpower. If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year.
Let me give you this little challenge. If anyone questions whether he or she is a dangerous area, let them try to leave their alcoholic alone for one year. Do not criticize, control, or condemn. Did you hear that? I suggest you try to do it for one day. Write tomorrow. Write in the margin. Write this in the margin. Do not criticize, control, or condemn. When it says try to leave it alone for a year, put that.
Criticize, control, or condemn for one day. For those who are unable to drink modestly or control modestly, the question is how to stop it altogether. We are assuming of course that this reader desires to stop. I am assuming that anybody that is here today has a desire to learn something or you would not be here. We just came back from a book study. I gave a lot of people that I sponsored the option.
You do not have to come. Stay. Stay home or do whatever you want to do. You have heard this a lot. You do not have to come. I thought it was amazing that some of them showed up anyway. They did that for one of two reasons. Second up. Are they really and truly have a yearning? They really have a yearning to make their life better. As I thought of that, I thought any time my sponsor is talking anywhere, I break my neck to get there if I am in that area.
She has so much that she tells and some of the same stories but sometimes a little different. Sometimes I hear something I have never heard before. I thought that is it. That is it. We have such a yearning sometimes. It does not matter who is talking. If it is a sponsor, if it is a stranger. A lot of us go to conventions. We do not even know who is talking. We come there with such a yearning to have something different in our life today.
You all would not be here with this gorgeous day on a Saturday without a yearning. You are here trying one more time. Figure this thing out. Get one more little piece of the puzzle. It is a big playpen today. God has got us in. Somebody is very happy that you are here. We are assuming that you desire to change what you are doing. Look on page 37. Bottom page. Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink or to the respect of our controlling, or I add this, with respect to our meaningful relationships.
As an individual with a passion safe for jaywalking,
[00:05:01]
we get a thrill out of skipping in front of fast moving vehicles. We get a thrill out of the hymn. You know the excitement of when your eyes meet across the room? Doesn't that make your little heart kind of flutter? I go into those honky tonks and the sounds and the smells and the apprehension of a hymn. Just my little heart would just start. It is still there. A few years ago, I took some of these wussy California girls back to Texas to show them what a real honky tonk was.
We searched the whole night. It took us six, didn't it Maria? It was six honky tonks before we found a real one. The other ones, I hadn't been in Lubbock in years. It is like my hometown. They changed the honky tonk. They had carpet. The chairs matched. They had little round, tall little tables with little stools. The floors were hardwood floors. It was pretty disgusting. Finally, I went to my last hope.
We left that last hope and I looked across the street and I saw a sign that said, Jiggers Up. Let's go see what that is. We opened the door and we stepped in. The smell hit. It was loud. It was noisy. It stunk. There was a light bulb going around. I said, Oh, this is it. I swear to you, my heart gave a little. This is a real thing. I had these wussies from California with me. You have to remember, they are Beverly Hills Queens.
I said, oh man, this is it. Come on, let's go. I looked around and said, it looks like all the tables are taken. This one little drunk heard this. He looked up and he said, Little lady, if you can't find a table for y'all, I'll clear one. We walked on around through. These girls had on their rhinestones. It was totally humiliating. We got around the bar. Here's where all the hymns were. They're at the bar.
We had to find a table, cross the room, and play the deal right. All these old drunks were around the bar. There was this one drunk. He was fat. No teeth. He had a beard. He had one peg leg. He had a crutch under his arm. He made some kind of comment. I don't know what it was. I said, excuse me. This is my daughter here. Watch your tongue. In fact, all these are my girls. Just watch it there. He says, we don't want the daughters.
We want Mama. Now y'all know your heart would just, I mean, they almost had to peel me off this old drunk. I mean, your heart just can't help it. There's something inside me that just thrills that. I mean, this is an ugly man. He is drunk. He has no leg, and he is stinking. I mean, it was a thrill. We get a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving drunks. This says vehicle. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of a friendly warning.
Up to this point, you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him or her and is slightly injured several times in succession. Or we get several meaning relationships in succession. You expect him or her, if they were normal, to cut it out, wouldn't you? I mean, this guy is raising canes in this restaurant. Boy, I'm not going to be emailing this again if he ever calls again.
You say, do not ever call me again. You hang up the phone. Do we do that? No. Presently, we are hit again, and this time a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital, a fast-moving trolley car breaks our arm. We should, tells us, if you decide to stop jaywalking for good. But in a few weeks, we break both legs. Now, is this not true? This is so true of every Al-Anon I've ever known. You may think our illustration is too ridiculous, but is it?
We have had, we have been through the ringer, have to admit, if we substitute alcoholism for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly. And if we substitute Al-Anonism, we would do the same thing.
[00:10:00]
Have I given you all the lists of Al-Anonisms yet? Get a pencil and paper and get the, these are some of the isms. Now, these isms of Al-Anon, and the reason I call them isms, they talk about it in AA all the time, alcoholism. And they say it's the ism, the I-S-M, that makes up an alcoholic. It's just not drinking. It's the ism. If you have the isms, then you probably have the disease of alcoholism.
Marcy White, my great-great-grandsponsor, came up with isms of an Al-Anon. She said she had listened to many Fifth Steps, and that we all had the same characteristics, just about, when she listened to these Fifth Steps. And through the years, I kept her list, and I've added some that I've heard through the years, too. And this is what pretty well makes up the Al-Anon personalities, our isms, if you will.
Denial. Control. Blame. I got some blamers over on that side of the room. I know best. Complain. Expectations. Resentment-Anger-Rage. Martyr. Anger-Rage. Martyr. M-A-R-T-Y-R. You're welcome. Addicted to excitement. Ah, good or bad excitement. We're addicted to it. Drama queen. Crisis junkie. Obsession. Fear, fear, fear. The need, an underlined need, to be right. This is probably the only one that I don't have.
Vindictive. Low self-worth-mean spirit. Yeah. Low self-worth slash low self-esteem. Like worth or no self-esteem. Like zero. People pleasers. Rebellious. Hmm, nobody's hand went up. Perfectionist. Abandonment, fear of abandonment. How long does that keep us in the disease? Lack of humor. Manipulation. Manipulation plan A or plan B or plan C, plan D, plan E. Critical, we're very critical of the people.
And the power pout. We have a power pout. Power, power, P-O-W-E-R and then pout, P-O-U-T. I'm not hurt. What's wrong with you, honey? Nothing. I'm fine. And I'm sure we could add to the list and infimatum. Okay, let's go to Chapter 4. We Agnostics. I have written above this, just a little tidbit
[00:15:24]
that I have. Religion is for those who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for those of us who have been there. Very interesting statement, isn't it? Religion is for those who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for those of us who have been there. The last sentence of the first paragraph. You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. This is what this fourth chapter is about.
It's one of my favorite chapters in the book. I love this. It changed my life. My sponsor and I went through the Big Book, as many of you do with your sponsors, I try to do once a year at least, go through our books. To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic, such experience seems impossible, but continuing it means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.
Now listen to that. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to live. It's like saying, do you want to die drunk or do you want to pray and get forever released? Hmm. Do you want to live with this drunk who's beating the hell out of you every week or do you want to go where I am and you'll learn how to keep your mouth shut so you don't get beat up? Hmm. That's a big decision. I mean, come on.
I don't know if I want to get beat up or not. Maybe I like getting beat up. I don't want to come down with y'all and have fun. I want to stay home and get beat up. Now those are not easy alternatives to look at, is it? Well, when you think we're normal, ha, ha, ha, this has to be smashed. But it isn't too difficult. About half our original fellowship were exactly that type. Now this only says half. I'm willing to bet that this bunch right here is one of the sickest bunch I've ever sat in front of in my life. I had the sickest bunch of sponsories I've ever had in my life. I took that bunch up last week and that's the sickest bunch I've ever encountered in my life. They are pitiful.
One of them kept reminding me, every life bub draws its own bug. Yeah, and my favorite baby said, opposites attract. But after a while, we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life or else. And that is not too good, is it? Or else. Now how tough it is after you've been here a while to realize that coming here and having, I mean, we've had a good time today. This ain't so tough, is it? I mean, your butt's tired and we'll have a break in a minute.
And you had to get up early, some of you, to get here. But it's not that bad, is it? I mean, we're sitting here today in these spiritual chairs and this is recovery. This is it. This is what, there's no more than this. We sit and we listen to someone else's experience. We talk, I mean, we're sitting and talking at lunch. Everybody's talking about they're having a good time, they're having a bad time, this feel good, this feel bad.
Like we all do. Talk about him or her or whatever. This is recovery. This is what it's all about. This is what this book is telling us. We're in a beautiful cabin. We do this every year. We go up, I take people out sponsoring guests and we go up there and it's a beautiful cabin and there's a little fireplace and there's trees and hopefully there's snow. My favorite, everybody is gripes about the snow and it's my favorite stuff, snow.
And we bring too much food and we do not get enough sleep and we have a great time. Now, during that weekend, we cry, we hurt, people get hurt, we laugh, we bitch about the snoring, we say, what's she doing here?
[00:20:13]
You don't sponsor her? What's she doing here? Well, I'm not coming if that one's coming. I mean, this is, you know, this is what we do. This is what we do. This is marvelous. This makes us up what we are. Some of us went to San Diego last year. How many of you went to the international? Was it last year or the year before? Ninety-five, wasn't it? How many of you went to San Diego to the World International Convention? Was that the most magnificent sight you've ever seen in your life?
Wasn't the whole weekend so awesome that you cried more than once? Well, that's not too tough. The next one's going to be in St. Paul, Minneapolis. We need to start now getting buses or rooms or whatever we have to do so everybody can afford to go. It is so awesome. And that's recovery. That's not a big deal, is it? But sometimes the RLs looks better, doesn't it? Stop and think a minute. In the group that you normally go to, stop and think. How many people are in those chairs that when you first started coming? How many of you are in the same chairs?
It totally changes. In a year's time, there's a lot of fallout and there's a lot of new people. I always wonder where the fallout goes. I wonder where they go and what they do. Some of them go to different groups. They don't like our group, which is fine. Some of them stay home because they're well now. That's fine. Some of them just lose interest because it didn't work for them. That's fine. Some of them divorce the alcoholic and they don't need any more. That's fine. It's fine for all those people. And I'm delighted for them.
But what I'm saying is if you will stop and think about your group, it's probably 50% aren't there the first year. Remember your first year in the program? How exciting it was. All the old timers. If you will stop and think, 50% of them aren't there anymore. It's statistics that 50% of the people that come in this program leave. 50% of the alcoholics die drunk. First time I heard that, I almost cried because I looked around the room. There's so many people in that room that I absolutely loved and adored. I could imagine any of them getting drunk and dying and several of them got drunk and died in the next several years.
I was looking at the birthday board a couple of weeks ago. We had a birthday night. We have the name dash how many years that they have in recovery and we celebrate Al-Anon as a whole and the individuals get to share a few minutes about Al-Anon as a whole. And there was one years and two years and six and whatever and then on this side over here it said 11 years and then it dropped down and had my name dashed 29 years. I sat and I was in one of those times when it's gloom and doom and I thought 29 years and there's 11. Why am I still here after 29 years?
Can I get well? I mean this is ridiculous. I should be out doing something else. Why am I the only old timer in here? This is getting scary. I don't like anybody in here. They don't like me. Why am I coming? And this doom and gloom kind of sells over you and then I get to thinking you know somebody shares and of course your heart changes and I'm so grateful I'm here. I'm so grateful I didn't choose RLs. I'm so glad the alcoholics in my life the majority of them have chosen sobriety. A couple of them have decided RLs.
But I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful that I understand because I studied this big book to know what the disease is. Also I'm so glad that I studied this big book to get the solution so that I don't have to go crazy when they do RLs. 45. Page 45. Lack of power. That was our dilemma. Everything we've talked about so far this whole morning. Be it if we talk about the disease of alcoholism or Al-Anon. Lack of power is the dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves obviously.
But where and how are we to find this power? Now listen to this next sentence please. Well that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. That's what this book is about. This book is written by alcoholics about the disease of alcoholics. The disease of alcoholism. We are affected by that disease or you wouldn't be sitting in this room.
[00:25:18]
So if we need to know the solution about that disease this is what this book is about. And it says what we're trying to find is a power greater than ourselves. It doesn't say anything about drinking. It says the power greater than ourselves. That's what this book is about. It is the directions on how to work this program. Period. Look on page 46. This is another solution to our dilemma. If you come here. I was so hoping this one girl was going to come today and she's not here. I heard her talk a while back and she did not believe in God nor did she want to.
Oh I know exactly how you're feeling. Because I didn't either when I first came in. These two paragraphs are what changed my thinking which changed my life. Yes we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences. Let us make haste to reassure you. We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves. We commenced to get results. Even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that power which is God.
Much to our relief we discovered we do not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception however inadequate was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence. A spirit of the universe underlying the totality of things. We began to be possessed by a new sense of power and direction. Provided we took other simple steps.
We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek him. To us the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open we believe to all men. My sponsor I was sitting on the floor in her den and she was sitting in her rocking chair and she read this to me. And she said you do not have to live in the fear of alcoholism. There is somebody who can help you and who can deliver you from this disease. These aren't her exact words but this is what I remember.
And she said it's like if you're in the basement of a three-story building and God's on the rooftop. You do not have to make your way up to the rooftop where God is. God will come down to the basement where you are and get you. And I was so overwhelmed by that statement because I thought at that moment in my life I was a piece of garbage. I had been out in the stinkiest filthiest hunk of dogs there were. I had had all the actions that a woman does not want to take in her life. I had stripped myself of my own dignity living with this disease of mine and choosing the alcoholic disease.
I did things that brought disgrace to my family. My family did not want me around them because of my actions due to my illness. They did not understand what I was doing. And for a God that I did not know who would come off the rooftop and come down to the basement and get me and get my children and get us out of there was such an awesome statement to me. An unbelievable statement to me. And then it was for free and for fun. It was incredible. And that's what we do for each other here. We show each other where the basement is and we point up to the rooftop. That's where he is and he'll come down just holler at him. He'll come right down here and get you and those kids and get you out of this disease. Man that is awesome.
Okay, that. That always has been. When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God.
[00:30:03]
Prior to this, I'd looked up on the, one of the things that we do here, the trash mounds of this group. We have a trash bucket. Every time you cuss, you're on your honor. You owe a quarter. A quarter for the little ones and a dollar for the big ones. That's on the flat land just like it is up in the mountains. So the trash mounds have bought these banners that stay in our room. They bought this microphone here. They bought everything we've got in this place.
Bought the plants. We've got coffee pots. We've bought coffee for eight years now. Eight years now. Whatever it takes. I love my people. They're so cute. I always want the 12 steps up on the wall because I was sitting in the meeting and I looked up at that third step and it said, Guys, I understand him. I didn't understand him at all. And I knew I could start from there and then Pat read me these paragraphs. It was incredible.
Do I now believe, page 47, or am I even willing to believe that there's a power greater than myself? As soon as a man can say this, he does believe or is willing to believe, he's in fact assured him that he's on his way. What step is that? Step two. And then it goes on to talk about the different ways people get here, their religions, how to get all these things. I want to read this and then we'll take a break. On page 50.
Here are thousands of men and women worldly indeed. They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude towards that power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse, in the face of despair, in the face of total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them.
This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. Do you hear this? This is our solution, whether you be alcholic or whether you be alanone. This is talking about working the steps. And a few simple requirements. What are the few simple requirements that we do? Isn't that simple? That's it. It ain't no big deal. Once confused and baffled by the seemingly futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going life.
When many hundreds of people are able to say that they are conscious of the presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. We sit in here over and over and over, week after week after week, and hear some speaker talk about something and it lifts us up, doesn't it? We get something from every speaker who gets up behind this podium. We get something.
If they got six months, six years, or 60 days, it just doesn't matter. We hear something. Page 53. Excuse me, page 52, I'm sorry. Look on the middle of the page in that middle paragraph, second sentence. We were having trouble with personal relationships. If you're having trouble with a personal relationship, listen. We couldn't control our emotional natures. We were prey to misery and depression. We couldn't make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness.
We were full of fear. We were unhappy. We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. Was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreel of a lunar flight? Of course it was. Now, how many of you come here with this relationship problem? It said over here on 53, logic is great stuff. Because we had plenty of logic before we got here, didn't we? It's logical when there's a problem in the home.
If he or she would quit drinking, the problem would be solved.
[00:35:02]
Is that logical? Of course. That's the only problem in this family. Stop the drinking, because I certainly hadn't done anything wrong. It's your drinking. I'm the smart one in the bunch. Isn't that what we like to think? Logic is great stuff. We liked it. We still like it. Pooh, it doesn't work. Middle of the page. When we became alcoholics crushed by self-imposed crisis, we could not postpone or evade.
When we became alcoholics crushed by self-imposed crisis, we could not postpone or evade. We had to fiercely face the proposition that either God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What is our choice to be? Okay. Page 55. I was sitting in an AK convention and there was an alcoholic Catholic priest whose name was Bill Wilson. Bill W. Father Bill W. Now this guy is a big, big, big deal in the Catholic Church.
He's not a Catholic, so I'm not quite sure about all of it, but he's a big, high mucky-muck. He had been to Rome. He had studied with the Pope. He helped Pope with something and the Pope appointed him to do something. He was a high, big, mucky-muck. He had read all the scrolls and the scribes in Rome. He had been in theology classes, I guess that's what you call them, everywhere. He had read everything there is to read about God and God's principles.
And he said, in all of the literature that he's read his whole lifetime, these two paragraphs were the finest pieces of literature ever written to man about God. Actually, we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, or child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or another it is there. For faith in a power greater than ourselves and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives are facts as old as man himself.
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup, just as much as a feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but he was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the great reality deep down within us. In the last analysis, it is only there that he may be found. It was so with us. Let's take a 15 minute break. How does it work? Well, page 58, how it works.
This starts telling us exactly how to work the steps. This tells us how to get our own lives in shape. This is where Al-Anon just drives me insane. We can't study the big book, but let's take the 12 steps out of the big book. Let's take the 12 traditions out of there, but let's don't get anything else in there unless we need it. Then we'll go back. Talk about mean-spirited women and men. Al-Anon is one of the meanest spirits that there is.
Yes, I know. I see. So here is the solution. This is how it works. We hear this read at every alcoholic meeting in the world before the alcoholic meeting starts. I wonder why. I wonder how they picked out this whole book, these things to read before every meeting around the world. It always amazes me. Maybe this is why. I don't know. Rarely have we seen a person failed or thoroughly followed our path.
How many of you go to a committed regular AA meeting every week? Is that about maybe three-fourths, half? What do you think? Three-fourths? Al-Anon committed AA meeting.
[00:40:00]
That's not cheap, cheap, cheap. If you're not going to an open AA meeting, you're not getting it because you will never understand the disease of alcoholism. You will never get it in your heart and soul. You will never get compassion for the alcoholic. You'll never get understanding for the alcoholic. You'll never get forgiveness for the alcoholic and eventually the absolute marvelous love back for the alcoholic.
If you don't go and find out what the disease is about. And they read this over and over and over and over. So if rarely, if they hadn't failed, rarely maybe we won't fail. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has not thoroughly followed our path. Our path in Al-Anon is to go to two Al-Anon meetings and one open AA committed meeting every week. That's the path. And the five things, which are? That's our path.
That is so simple. That's not hard. That's directions that people have such a fit about. It's sponsorship, which a lot of people have a fit about. That's it. It's no big deal. It's no mystery what we do here. Those who do not recover. Those who do not recover. That's no mystery what we do here. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program.
Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Do you hear that? They are incapable of being honest. It doesn't say they're incapable of getting rid of fear. It doesn't say they're incapable of not going to meetings. It doesn't say they're incapable of getting rid of self-pity. It says of being honest with themselves. Because as a sponsor, and I've sponsored a lot of people.
A lot of people have come through my life over the years. A lot of them. And the ones who have the biggest problems, the ones who don't make it with me as a sponsor, who don't make it as a program of Al-Anon, who don't make success in life, period, are those who cannot be honest with themselves. It doesn't have anything to do with being honest with your sponsor. That's totally part of it, but it's immaterial.
Bottom line is, you've got to be honest with yourself. There are such unfortunates. I do not want to be accounted in that bunch. That's why I'm delighted that for 29 years, I've had the privilege of coming and sitting in these spiritual chairs. That for some reason or another, God has allowed me to stay here and not leave. I've stayed here when my actions have been totally unacceptable here, and yet they've let me stay.
Nobody kicked me out. Nobody can. Can't. Can't be done. What a blessing. What a blessing that I have a place that I can go and be sick, and it's acceptable. Not everybody likes it. Nor do I like everybody when they're unacceptable. What we don't say you've got to get, do we? Just think, oh God, I hope they sit on the other side of the room. It was so funny watching everybody sit down here this morning.
Everybody has their own place. Everybody goes to their own place, and it was like there was 20 chairs in between one and the other. It was their place. They were all nervous they didn't know where to sit. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. What way? Of not being able to be honest with themselves. They were born that way. Thank God that you and I found a place that we can twist that, and change that, that we don't have to stay that way.
They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands, do you hear this word? It demands rigorous honesty. My friend Evelyn Coger in Texas says after 25 years you can drop the rigorous part. Joke, joke, joke. It demands it to be rigorous honest in every area of our life. Their chances are less than average. There are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have just the capacity to be honest, even if they have the gravest mental disorders.
Even if they have the gravest mental disorders, all of you, without exception, know Al-Anons that you're quite sure have grave mental disorders, right?
[00:45:07]
I could name several in this room. But if you're just honest, you get out of it, don't you? I mean, it's incredible. If we are really honest with ourselves, we start to see, I took alcoholism personally. I took it personally. I caused as much havoc in my own life as anything or anyone or anybody, anytime, anyhow. That's when we start getting well. Our stories disclose in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what we're like now.
We talk about this every time we have a meeting. This is what we tell. What am I going to say? New people, especially, they're scared to death. Well, this tells exactly what happened. In general, I tell what happened, what it was like, what it's like now. That means, what happened during the drinking years? What did you contribute to the drinking years' craziness? What do you contribute to the disease?
What happened that caused the one day, the one time, the one moment that you want to change? What happened? What was that? And what is it like now since you've been in Al-Anon for dust and dust months or days or years? What's it like now? That's how we share our experience, strength, and hope. Isn't that incredible? That's the only way we get well here. It's just incredible. There's no master thesis or board you have to sit in front of.
There's no doctorate disease here. I mean that degree here. That's a slip of the tongue. All we have to do is listen to someone else, share what it was like for them, what happened and what it's like today. And so many of us identify with every word. If you decide you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, you're ready to take certain steps. And some of them we bought. We thought we could find an easier or softer way to do this deal.
Some people think they can work this program without a sponsor. Some people think they can work the program and not work all the steps, just maybe some of the steps. Some people think they can come in here and work the deal without really having to surrender. Over and over. Some people think I can come five minutes before the meeting, leave five minutes after, not do my part, and they can get it. Can't be done.
You miss it. I'm telling you, I've watched too many people and so have others sit in this room. You just watch too many people who are here for the social activities and not for getting well. It's not a social place. It's a getting well place. And eventually, if you don't jump in there and take your commitments like everybody else, you start feeling uncomfortable. You start slamming around. You just slam around.
Sneak out before. I mean, it's harder work not to do what's right than it is to do what's right, isn't it? It's just harder. Trying to figure out how to slip out and how not to make a commitment, how to lie about not making a commitment and not make it look like a lie because I'm supposed to be honest. Well, I really don't. This is not really honest. This is manipulative. Blah, blah, blah. It's easier.
With all our earnestness and our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very, very start. That's what everybody here tries to do. Some of us try to hold on to our ideals, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Now, I read all this just to get this. Remember, Al-Anons, we deal with alcohol. We deal with alcoholism. It's cunning, it's baffling, and it is powerful, the disease of alcoholism.
Our disease, Al-Anon-ism, you must hear this, it's cunning. It is baffling, and it is powerful because you and I try to control the uncontrollable. We try to set right an alcoholic's life, and anything else that gets in our way, we try to fix it. I hear a problem, I'll leap across a room of people I don't even know trying to solve it. I solve people's problems in the grocery store, on the freeways.
I'll tell them how they should drive and what they should do with their driving. Problems in stores. I mean, it's just amazing how I'll leap across a room and solve somebody's problem because I know best, don't you know? And it's baffling to me. It is baffling to me. Why don't you do that one more time? I mean, it's powerful. I mean, it takes my life over sometimes. Rage can take my life over before I even know it's taken.
It's cunning. I have to concede in my innermost self I have the disease of alanonism
[00:50:03]
and that it can take me over in a flash. It's cunning. I don't even know I'm doing it. I absolutely don't know I'm doing it. It's the disease. I used to say from podiums a lot. I would say the disease of alcoholism, even sobriety with my husband and I today, sometimes the disease of alcoholism can rear its ugly head and it attacks like a rouser. I say that a lot. One time, I mean, it was, I think it was a Sunday night actually.
I was in my chair watching television. Jim was in the kitchen cooking something. And I was deep in this whatever it was and he came in there and he stood there and he put his hands on his hips, my position. You know how alanonism is. And he said, but I, Missy, I'd like you to know something. From time to time you say from the podium that alcoholism rears its ugly head. Well, for your information, from time to time alanonism rears its ugly head too.
And with that he turned around and walked out of the kitchen. I wonder what went through his head, what he was living or reliving in there stirring them taters. Isn't that something? It's just incredible. Just cracked up loving. Without help, it is too much for us. Without help, it is too much for us. Without these meetings, without a sponsor, without working the steps, without sponsoring other people, it's too much for us.
We can't do it because we're affected with the disease of alanonism. And we will control, we will blame, we will complain, we'll be the martyr, we'll criticize you, we'll try to da, da, da over and over and over because we cannot help it. Because we have a cunning and powerful and baffling disease called alanonism. And I wish with all my heart and soul sometimes that I could tell a whole room full of alcoholics and get them to understand that.
Especially, and I'm not, I'm really going to get trashed for this, but I don't care, I've got to say it. Especially in this part of the country. Alcoholics out here want to shoot alanons because they don't know anything about alanons. I come from where alcoholics and alanons met in the same building. One went in that room, one went in that room. Before the meeting, we all sat and talked. After the meeting, we all sat and talked.
Saturday morning, we'd cook breakfast and everybody would come down and we'd have an open meeting and then we'd go around the room, AA's talk, alanons talk, and it was acceptable. We went on picnics. I mean, it was the family. It's not so out here. I think it's because of the logistics for one thing. I mean, it is so huge here. And another thing is I don't think it was ever, I don't think it was ever brought, it wasn't brought up this way.
It's how you're brought up. It's like your culture at home. I'm from Texas and we cook certain things and we talk a certain way. That's the way we're brought up. In the fellowship back there, I was brought up as a family of these and we did everything together. Here, it is so separate. It makes me personally sad because it's not what I'm used to and I see a lot of differences. I first started going to the open AA meeting.
I go to it and some of them want to shoot me. I was taking up a chair. Now I can't be sitting in that chair. And I said to a couple of high mucky mucks, I earned this chair. This is my chair. This is my chair. I was sicker than you ever thought about being sick. If you want to draw out guns about who's the sickest. Because we have a disease that fits the alcoholic disease. And we need to understand that.
And unfortunately, there's so many alcoholics who don't understand that. It kind of breaks my heart. But that's whatever it is. So then half measures avail us nothing. If we don't understand this, if half measure to me, if you don't go to open AA, if you don't say the big books, if you don't work the steps, if you don't sponsor others, that's half measures. And you won't get it. And then it goes on to talk about the steps here, which we all know.
It goes on to talk about the ABCs on the next page. We were alcoholic. A. We were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. We could change that. We are alanones and cannot manage our own lives. B. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. C. No human power could relieve our alanonesm. D. That God could and would if he were soft.
[00:55:04]
Now these next pages, several pages are about the steps. You and your sponsor will go through them. And it's best left up to you and your sponsor to go through them. It tells about the third step here. One thing I'd like to point out, on the third step, I was having a lot of trouble with one of my kids. And a good friend of mine, some of you heard him before he died. He just died recently. His name was Albert Myers.
And we were talking about kids. He helped my kids and I helped his kids. We were great buds. He said, you know what I had to do was I had to do that third step and I had to do it in the I form. And I started, as soon as we got off the phone, ran, grabbed it and read it in the I form. It changed everything. It says, being convinced I was that step three, which is I decided to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood him.
What do I mean about that? And just exactly what am I going to do? The first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Because it describes here life and will. Boy, I don't want the will that I hear and the life that I hear written here. I don't want it. It's like I'm like an actor. I want the show to run my way. If everybody do like I want to be okay.
Look here on 61. If people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, including myself, would really be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, I may sometimes be quite virtuous. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest in self-sacrificing. On the other hand, if that don't work, plan A, B, or C, I may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest to get your attention.
But as most humans, I'm liable to have all these varied traits. What usually doesn't happen? What happens then? The show don't go off very good. I begin to think life doesn't treat me right. Up goes my hand to my forehead. Oh, woe is me. I am such a good alarm. I decide to exert myself more. I become on the next occasion more demanding or gracious. Whatever the case calls for, I'll do it. Still, this play does not suit me.
Admitting that I might be somewhat at fault. Maybe. I'm sure that other people are more to blame. I become angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is my basic problem? Am I not really a self-seeker when trying to be kind? Boy, that's hard to uncover. Am I not a victim of the delusion that if I could wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world, if only I could manage well, or better, or think of plan C, D, or E, or F.
Isn't it evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things I want? Gee, me crickets, why can't you see that? And don't my actions make each of them wish to retaliate? This was awesome news for me. Snatching what they can out of the show. Am I not, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion, rather than harmony? Because when I know best, and I'm in my control mode, thinking I'm doing this for everybody, making everybody happy, I'm just ripping them up.
That's all. On 62, selfishness, self-centered. Exclamation point. Must be important they put that exclamation point there. That, I think, is the root of all my problems. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, delusion, self-centered. They, listen to this. Somewhere along, I stepped on the toes of my fellows and they retaliated. Seemingly without provocation. But invariably, I find in the past, I've made decisions based on self, which placed me in a position to be hurt.
And then it goes on to tell you how to change that. How about how to take, it tells you exactly how to take the third step. Exactly. There's no buts, ifs, ands about it. It tells you exactly how to take the third step. It tells you exactly on page 64 how to make a resentment list. It tells you then how to write about fear. How to write about sex. It says now more about sex on 68. It tells you on page 72 exactly how to do it.
Tells you on page 72 exactly how to do a fifth step. I mean it doesn't, I mean it's no secret, it tells you exactly how to do it. What to do before the fifth step, what to do during the fifth step, and what to do after the fifth step.
[01:00:03]
Page 75. We pocket our pride and go to it. Tells you exactly what to do. Tells you right to do what to do before it. Page 76. Tells you what to do in sixth and seventh step. Now this is what I'm saying, you do this with your sponsor, hopefully. Eight and nine. What do you do with eight and nine? How do you do it? How do you make the list? What do you do with the list? How do you make amends? It tells you exactly how to make amends there.
We've gone through this and we've gone, come up with what, eighteen, how many is there? Eighteen directions on how to make amends. You study this, there's more stuff in here that you cannot believe. And then there's a whole chapter devoted just to the twelfth step. But let's go back, let me go back over here. Page 84. Page 85. This is the tenth step. The tenth step is what we do on a daily basis. This is directions on what to do every morning.
If you're new and you haven't had a lot of time in here, how do you do prayer and meditation? How do you do that? How do you start your morning out? What's the directions? Well this is it. After we've done a fourth and fifth step, we're pretty clear. We've done six and seven, we've asked God to remove some of these things. Eight and nine, we've gone out and made our amends and we feel good. I mean you feel good when you've gotten that far.
It may be the first layer of the onion, but you feel good and you've got it done. And then what? This tells us how to do daily. I'm just going to do a little bit over here to show you how I do it. I read this. I continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any mistakes as I go along. I vigorously commence this way of living. My next function is a growing understanding of effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime.
This is what I do. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonest, resentment, and fear. I pause when I read that and ask God to help me see this. Then it says, I ask God at once to remove them if I see it. And then I discuss them with someone immediately, not two or three days or a week or a month. I call somebody. If I can't get ahold of a sponsor, I talk to somebody. I've harmed somebody. I feel really bad.
And then I try to make amends to them as soon as I can. Love and tolerance of others is my code. And I pause. And I remember this is my code. This is what I want to do. Cease fighting anyone or anything. That's what I use as I go through the day. I'm not fighting anything anymore. I read all that stuff sentence by sentence, line by line. On page 86, upon awakening, I want to think about the 24 hours dead. What are my plans?
What are my plans? Before I begin, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially divorced with self-pity, dishonest, self-seeking moments. I pause. I ask God to help me with these things. In thinking about my day, I may face indecision. I ask God for inspiration. I stop. I pause. I read every one of these sentence by sentence and pause and say that in prayer form. And then I say the 11-step prayer. A's 12 and 12.
And it says on page 88, This is not all, for there is action and more action. Faith without works is dead. And then it has the whole chapter on the 12th step. On page 94 is a perfect outline for sponsorship. If you're new in sponsoring and you don't know how to do it, page 94 says outline the program of action. Explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened your past out, and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him.
You go all the way down. It tells you exactly how to be a sponsor. Now this is a fun thing. This is fun. We were going on a trip and this little girl in the back says, You know, it was way back there when they first started talking about Al-Anon's not supposed to study the big book. She says, you know that's crazy and people out there telling us not to study the big book. It gives us directions to how to be a good Al-Anon. Listen to this on page 96.
You know how we love alcoholics. Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. Now if that isn't directions for Al-Anon, I don't know what is.
[01:05:00]
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you have to offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man. Entirely with the first half dozen prospects. Now that's incredible. Best directions for Al-Anon ever. It talks about family on page 98. What if there is a domestic problem? What do you do with that? It says, burn the idea in the conscience of every man and our woman that he can get well regardless of anyone.
The only condition is that he trusts God and clean house. That's it. There's no more, there's no less. If you divorce or separate, it tells you in here in this 12 step how you might work with it. If you want to leave your husband or wife, it might tell you more about it. If you want to get away from your mom and dad, it might tell you more about it. To the Wives, chapter 8, page 104. Now this chapter, To the Wives, Bill Wilson, who wrote the majority of the big book with the help of the first alcoholics.
Bill Wilson went to Ann, Dr. Bob's wife and asked her if she would write a book to the alcoholics, I mean to the wives. And she refused. She really wanted to be in the background. She's a very humble person. Not anybody that I can figure out. You ask me to write a chapter in the big book, well give me my pen and paper. Give me a stenographer and I'll fix that. She refused to. So Bill wrote it himself.
This was written by Bill Wilson. Now his wife, Loy, he did not ask. Duh. Duh. Of course he didn't. I mean, would your husband come ask you to write something important for Alcoholics' Honor? Would your wife ask? I don't think so. She never said anything until after he died, but she was a pissed off mama. When he died, she let it out that she was really hurt and mad about that. So this is To the Wives.
And it's, it's, there's some things in there that just made me want to just, and there's some marvelous things. I'm just going to point out and that's all. It is three o'clock. I'm totally aware of what your rear end feels like, because mine does too. It says we're going to go to four. I doubt if we'll go that far. What I'm trying to do is skim through here, because I know y'all are tired. You just wiggle and wiggle when you get tired and you're wiggling.
We're going to clean this up pretty quick, but I do want to go through these last few chapters to let you know what you need to go and study and become part of your life. So there's hope. We're not going to, we're not going to draw it on forever here. See if you recognize any of this on page 104. As wives of alcoholic sons, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze the mistakes we have made.
We want to leave with you the feeling that there is no situation too difficult and no unhappiness too great to overcome. Have any of y'all ever heard that? Oh, please. We are not supposed to read the big book, because it was written by alcoholics, for our alcoholics. We take whatever we want. We rip anything out of this big book we choose to, and that's okay. Do y'all think I have resentment or anything?
That's my favorite baby. Who said that? Get your hand down. I recognize your voice. It was you, wasn't it? That's my favorite right there. Okay. It describes our homes. It talks about the loneliness here. I think some of the sweet things in here. It says we seldom, look on page 105. We seldom had friends in our homes, never knowing how or when the man in the house would appear. We could not make but a few social engagements.
We came to live almost alone. Is that correct? Boy, when you have a disease of alcoholism, you don't want anybody around, do you? It's too embarrassing for you and the kids. Too embarrassing for him. I'd just as soon be alone, because I never knew what was going to happen. Neither did he. Well, it's page 106. Sometimes there were other women. Well, please. If you're married to a male alcoholic, there ain't no sometimes to it.
There are other women.
[01:10:02]
Or, it's an alcoholic and they gamble. Or, it's an alcoholic and they rob banks. I mean, there was always something else just beside the alcoholism. Well, I finally figured that out. It was really, and I mean this sincerely, it was really no big deal. Because my alcoholic, I mean, if he's at the bar, there was women. And if he was drunk, he and the women, they got to, he and his shin. I mean, it's just, that's the way it was.
Well, that just crushed me. It tore me, ripped me apart. It was the hardest thing. I was drinking a lot more than I could him messing around with other women. It was a complete affront to every piece of my womanhood, you know. It crushed me. It was terrible. You feel so crushed by it. You feel like you're worthless. That other woman's prettier, smarter, cuter than you. You're a piece of garbage. You knew it. You're worthless.
You know, I'll look at her. This is what we think. And it has nothing to do with us. It is the disease of alcoholism. If they're not out with a woman, they're out gambling. If they're not out gambling, they're out, you know, doing something. I mean, there's always something that you're doing. And it's just part of it. Doesn't mean I ever thought, well, this is great. Okay, you go out. No. It meant that I, it took away that crushing blow that we all get as a woman.
And I'm sure as a man, when, if a woman messes around on a man, it has to be the same thing, have the same feeling. So it tells us about all this. I've got something written here in that. Alcoholism, oh, affects Al-Anon's two ways. One with anger and anxiety. Solution, don't let them push my button. Literally put my hand over my button to cover it. Yeah. Pat told me the way that happens with the alcoholic is I get full of anxiety about what he's going to do, what he's not going to do.
And if I find out what he's doing or did, I'm full of anger. One of the two. So that instead of letting that alcoholism push my button, we've all heard the phrase. She said, find a spot on your body that's the button. So my button was right here on this left shoulder. And as he was talking or doing, what I would do is just slowly scratch my left shoulder. Just put my hand up there. So that my button was covered.
Now that sounds like a silly thing, but it works. It worked for me. He covered my chest. And it worked. It was to remind myself, this is a disease. It's not me. Don't worry about it. And then it goes on to describe the different kinds of alcoholics. How they drink. How it affects us. I love this one on page 111. The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Oh, please. Oh, please.
Even though your husband comes unbearable. Yeah. And if you have to leave him temporary, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary. Yeah, right. Right, she's going to stick your finger in their mouth. You're right. Jan, I never left well. Bye, honey. I hope you get to feeling better. I'm leaving you now. And I am not angry. I'm just fine. But the gist of that is, if you don't take alcoholism personally, there's no reason to be angry.
But you sure have to get there, and it takes a long time, right? All right. All right. And then, and then, and then. The angel problem. Your husband knows he owes you. Page 111, I mean 118, is when they get into the solution. It describes all the things we get into, and then 118 starts on the solution. Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. Of course, this could be your father knows, your wife knows, your kid knows.
Yet, you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking, doing, are the habit of years. Now, you need to underline this. Patience, tolerance, and understanding, and love are the watchwords. Show him or them these things in yourself, and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.
I think one of the sweetest things in the world is seeing a couple come into A.A. and Al-Nam. It is a Swedish thing. I've had the opportunity to see many of them. I've had the opportunity to sponsor a lot of people and to see them come in here and the light come on in their eyes and watch them recreate a marriage that had gone bad or a parent that you hadn't spoke
[01:15:03]
to in many years. To see that come back together is just absolutely marvelous. I've been watching this young lady for the last, I bet a year, and see her and her mother, it's just incredible. I mean, it is beautiful to see somebody start seeing a situation through God's eyes and this is not about me, this is theirs. And I can love them and have compassion for them no matter what's going on in their life. That is so awesome to me. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't miss the boat, I wouldn't miss seeing that. It is too incredible. A lot of you here, I've watched you and seen you and it is the most precious thing. Some of you saying, I'm leaving the alcoholic, I can't, they can't get sober and I can't do it anymore. The next week you come back and your eyes are just shining. Guess what? He went to a meeting the other night. I mean, that is, why would you want to miss that? It is too beautiful. And once they do that, we get into the family afterwards, page 122. I love this. Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with a husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he'd be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family, now this is very important, underline it, scratch the start. All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. And that means alcoholics trying to understand the Al-Anon-ism disease and Al-Anon trying to understand the Alcoholic-ism disease. That's what we try to do. That's why we go to open meetings, that's why we go to our meetings, that's why we read the big books, that's why we study our literature, that's why we have sponsors. This involves a process of deflation. Boy, do you like this? I just love this. Please deflate me today. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his in-laws, each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or herself.
Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness. A doctor says to us, years of living with an alcoholic, this is the last paragraph, is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is to some extent ill. Let families realize as they start their journey that there will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be foot sore and may straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and bypass down which they will may wander and lose their way. Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles they will meet and it goes on to tell all these things about money, about the father taking over, about the spiritual things they will do, about the family, about religion, about the joy that returns, about sex that returns, but let's look at just a couple on page 124. Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify eras, convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently is almost the only one. Did you hear that? The alcoholic past in the Alman's past. This painful past may be of ineffect value to other families still struggling with the problem. We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not and when the occasion requires each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes no matter how grievous out of their hiding places.
Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us. Listen to this sentence. It was my husband's favorite sentence. Cling to the thought that in God's hands the dark past is the greatest possession you have. The key to happiness and life and happiness for us.