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Source: Sarah L – 12 Step Serenity Weekend 2023 Step Twelve – Date Unknown.mp3 File: sarah-l-12-step-serenity-weekend-2023-step-twelve-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:14:26
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Don't leave me. It's going to be alright. They all love you. I don't know about that. I love, I love Kathy because I've been all week long, lower your expectations guys. I've been sent out lower, lower, lower, limbo and everything else. It feels good to be here. I've had a real weepy morning. We have four kids and I have a husband that I call my flatline. He's just a deer but you know doesn't say much and he said, you know you guys have volunteering for stuff like this and I was really taken aback and I said, you know what Brian, people at these podiums saved my life and when they ask, I'm going to show up. I didn't volunteer. This is hard, this is real hard.
Oh God, I am so honored and so humbled. My God, I had this all written last week and then we had a tough night. I am so humbled by what everybody has shared and I've learned so much. I've had to make amends. Ray, I did some amends. I got on my knees this morning. Jason, I loved it. I'm a big researcher and I thought about this when Jason said, I'm not going to read from it. I got two pages of citations from our literature. If you're interested, come take a picture because I'm not going to read them all to you. I was like, oh my gosh, I should never do that. I hear my sponsors say that sometimes, not writing a research report or you know what I mean, not getting up there and just give a report. But you know what, it comes from, I'm kind of new to this program. I'm seven years in November and I love our literature. I trust our literature. I live for this program. So I always start there. I spend a great amount of time doing that.
So thank you committee for asking me. And I got to say, where is this Kathy? God, you saved my life. You're on that playlist. And you know, she is a rock star to me. That was the common thread. You know, she caused a grief, but it was at home. God, there's other people like me. I laughed my ass off last night. And I did along my journey. I listened to you again in the fall getting ready for my share at OAR.
And I'll never stop reading and listening and taking copious notes because I adore this program. I adore you. And God, sorry. So last year at this time kicked off one of the most epic years of my life. I had a great experience here. Everybody that shared, every discussion group. And step 12, I'm going to shout out to Irina who did it well last year. Our program is like the gifts in a box. And the 12th step is the bow on top.
And her last line was, I went back to my notes. How big do you want that box to be? And my God, I got gifts. I mean, I already need a buggy to pull them, you know, my box. I just want to keep adding to it. And the notes I wrote last year, sitting right over there, was I want more time with my sponsor. And I want to work the steps like I did this weekend. I want a small group. I want to go deep. I didn't have a hard time. She was my sponsor and name only for a real long time.
So my mom was dying in the fall, so I had spent more time with her. But, you know, there was a spiritual awakening here last year. It kicked off a great year. And when Dede asked me, you know, I'm barely walking off the stage of the first gig in front of a podium. And she's like, how do you want to do this? I want you to do a step. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm still sweating, but all right, let's. And she said, do you have an idea of a step? I said, no.
I said, you know, God's got me all day every day. I said, no, Dede, I love it.
[00:05:02]
I love researching. I love the work that goes into an opportunity to speak on something. So no, you pick. I'm only on bullet number two here. And I said, and then she calls again in the fall. You know, do you have an idea of what step? I said, Dede, I really let everybody else choose. I really believe that God's going to give me what I need to work on. And she texted me. How about step 12? Oh, my God, what a gift.
This is, step 12 is the culmination of steps one through 11 of me practicing the principles. It's an honor to stand here and carry this message to you in real time. I mean, this just happened. It's epic. So anyhow, I know, where am I at here? All right, okay, so here's what step. Seven years I've been in here. I qualify because of my dad. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My husband's been sober a little less than me seven years.
My home group's West Side Women's. Step 12 is the opportunity to repay. Like I said, you know, I'll always show up. Those newcomers. Do we have any brand newcomers here? I got something for you guys. I miss the newcomers. Kathy nailed it. God, I hate Zoom. I mean, we're spirit animals, you and me. And I would give the newcomers, I would just get a little notebook and a pen and a pack of tissues and tie it up.
And it would just say inside, keep coming back, and my name and number. And I didn't care. I didn't care if you wrote the grocery list in it. But I sobbed for months coming in. And I felt damn good because I was safe, because you let me, because I knew you understood me. So I missed passing those out and I got a few in my bag. So first come, first served. Yeah, a little louder? And I'm at ten minutes?
All right, louder. How loud do you want it? Anyhow, I've got to go fast. Okay, so what's step 12? I mean, everything and anything that I do in this program increases my ability to carry this message. I have a million miracles in my life that are here because I worked the steps because of you, because of this program. And I want to tell you more about it. You know, I mean, a spiritual awakening, well, I'm going to get to that.
This is a willingness step. You know, it's not easy to stand up here. My clients are eight. They're not high schoolers, Kathy. They're easy, you know. I want to share with you a little wisdom. But it's hard. All right, so it is this culmination of hard work. I want to talk about spiritual awakenings because that's the best part of this step. As a teacher, we teach how a story goes. That's a big part of my story, honoring my story.
You know, the shitty, shitty parts, the trauma, the tales of trauma, I call them, all the way up to the good parts. So I teach my little nuggets, you know, you meet the characters and they go through all these little problems and you're getting up to the top. One of my friends is the climax. They don't think it's funny because they're only eight, but I always am like, oh, my God, did I just say that out loud?
So they get to the climax, you know, and it's at that point, here's what I tell them. It's at that point in the story, guys, and that story is going to wrap up in another chapter or two. That character has changed. Something happened. That character will never be the same. That's my story. You know, you get to that top, that apex, you worked hard to get there. Damn it, I am celebrating like the Dickens up here.
I mean, my God, the miracles in my life are worth celebrating. I got to tell you some of them real fast. Anyhow, let's do this. Moments of clarity. I mean, our literature calls them from taps on the shoulder, nudges in the dark.
[00:10:03]
This is one of my favorites. Pin pricks in the dark cloth that you're wrapped in when you're in sorrow and you're in despair. Pin pricks. So in studying this, it was hard for me, but I've had spiritual awakenings since day one. There was a pin prick of hope when I walked in that room. I'm not going to kill myself now. I'm going to get a hug here. I'm coming back. And they never stopped. Here are some of my epic climaxes.
I had a real great God, Catholic God, spoke to God, great relationship with him. And then I came to the program and I had a great Al-Anon God. And for a long time, I just couldn't, they were both there. They weren't the same. And I was in the upper room at the West Side Women's Group, sitting in the chair with my favorite ladies. And God spoke to me and he said, we're the same one, Sarah. We just wanted you to be happy all the time, all along.
We're the same one. Here's the problem, y'all. I feel a spiritual awakening like any other climax you feel in your life. And I was, I can't keep it in, man, I got to shout it out. And so, you know, I do in that room. I mean, I get to share with you the profound impact something like that means to me. I did First Survival to Recovery with a group of ladies during COVID. Again, I mean, and it's, you know, throw your head back and my God, you know, things are ending.
And I realized I had done three-quarters of the book thinking about my husband. I was an adult child. It didn't hit me until then, with them. And they let me go. My God, oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe this. So I celebrate my anniversary pretty big. And I do a lot of reflecting. And I realized this year that I always call myself a martyr, but that was because I did it. God didn't make me a martyr, I did.
You know, that label is different now. I realized through a lot of intimacy work that the most intimate relationship I have is with my higher power. And I told that to my husband. And I told that to my sponsor and my friends. It's the only relationship where there's no other preconceived opinion, idea, feedback, judgment. And I'm grateful for that. And I'm grateful that my husband agreed with me. He wanted that.
I can't tell you any more than the clarity I have now. And I'm going to like zoom down, you know, so go down the hill now on your big wheel real fast. And I'm enjoying that ride. I got four kids. I got a sober husband that's not in the rooms. I'm no fool. But like it's been said, I've got you. But I'm not going to rob myself of feeling the utter joy I feel today. I'm going to ride down that mountain, screaming and yelling, having fun.
And I'm going to climb the mountain again when it's time. And you'll be with me. And I'll just close with this. A cousin asked me recently, why do I still come? My life's great. I still come because I am blown away by the miracles in my life. I am grateful. Those were the tears. The gratitude I have is immense. And because the spiritual awakenings to me, I never want them to end, never. I want you to feel them and find them.
They're out there. They're okay by themselves, but they're even better with others. And that's where I find most of my spiritual awakenings, with you, sharing with you. Sorry to make you laugh this time. Keep coming back. Thank you.