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Source: Peter M – Kentucky State AFG Convention 2024 Peter M. – Boca Raton, FL – Date Unknown.mp3 File: peter-m-kentucky-state-afg-convention-2024-peter-m-boca-raton-fl-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:51:14
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I'm grateful to be alive and sober and thank you for having me at this conference. The woman who was just opening up this meeting said something like, if you don't have a badge we're going to get thrown out, and I'm alcoholic, I mean I've been thrown out of my own home so really, that didn't scare me, wherever you are, yeah I'll just find another place to hang my hat and get thrown out and that's why my amends list was about two blocks long but anyway, I'm really glad to be here, Al-Anons have invited me every so often to do one of your conferences, you guys really know how to throw a party so I'm very grateful to be here, I want to thank Ms. Julie for reaching out to me and the committee for having me, it's been a blast, I got here last night, my ride picked me up at the airport and finally got some sleep and heard somebody this morning, I see somewhere here, just a great talk this morning so I'm really glad to be here and share with you my experience, strength and hope.
June 23rd, 1988 is when 11 Gods separated me from alcohol, I'm very grateful, thank you for this gift of sobriety. I didn't quit and I didn't stop, although I quit and stopped many times only to return to that which is killing me but God had to separate me and our book talks about this, Bill says he was separated from alcohol for the last time, like two guys in a fight and someone has to get in the middle and pull them apart because it's not going to happen and God has infinite mercy how to get between me and booze and separate me from alcohol.
The bad news was when I finally got sober physically, sober the very first person I ran into was me. And it's really interesting in my early days of recovery, I was really focusing on staying away from alcohol and non-conference approved dry goods, stay away from that and as I'm here a little while I realize even as recent as this morning I need to stay away from me. The freedom I'm seeking today is no longer for me but from me.
So I chop wood and carry water and see where God's going to take me. I do have a sponsor, his name is Bob Izzano of St. Paul, Minnesota and I do have a home group, a new home group, it's called No Problems, Just Solutions in Boca Raton on Wednesday night and I sponsor over a dozen men and so life is busy. My wife is sober about 35 years now and she has about 15 ladies she's speaking. Our house is like a phone room sometimes, you know she goes in the bedroom and takes care of the girls and I'm in the front room taking care of the guys and we come back in the house standing straight up in the air.
And we have to fight to get time alone and we get to do these a lot together. My wife is out a lot speaking and we do workshops together. It is a life beyond what wildest dreams, I know it sounds terribly cliche but it's true. What we get to do in Alcoholics Anonymous based on where we've been, where I've been. And there's many things that have happened to me over the years. You know the longer I'm sober and quite frankly the older I'm getting my point of view has shifted on a lot of things.
Things get clearer and the things I was concerned about are no longer concerning me but the truth is true until I discover a new truth and there's certain things that have risen to the surface over the last few years that I pay very much attention to because that kind of inspiration when we're in spirit being inspired I have to say it's coming from one place and that's power called God. It's not coming from me.
The only thing I get from me is before and later on and none of it's good. I'm the type of alcoholic who's so broken and flawed I will cause a traffic jam when I'm the only guy on the highway. That's how I operate. But one of the things I've learned is how fragile, how fragile life and recovery is. I'm here this morning. Thank you God this afternoon. There's no guarantee I'll be around tomorrow. There's no guarantees any of us will be here tomorrow and yet I can take that for granted and what that has brought to the surface for me is about how my relationships are looking.
Do I harbor resentments and anger towards someone and say I will get here tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow and then tomorrow's today and it's too late? Do I feel tension towards John and Mary when they walk in the room? When I put my head on the pillow am I still living in the past about how things could have been if they only would have done what I asked them to? Am I dread living in the wreckage of the future and I'm not okay?
I can't afford that to live that way anymore so what is brought to the surface I need to clean that stuff up and travel light. It's how my Heavenly Father would want me to live anyway which brings me to a place called forgiveness. One of the most powerful spiritual principles I've learned is forgiveness and it doesn't
[00:05:03]
mean after I find a place in my heart that God gives me to forgive John and Mary that we're going to go break bread together, probably never see each other again but I'm not, I've created space between them and I. I'm not harboring that. I'm not walking around heavy. I don't need you to make amends to me. I don't need you to make restitution to me. I don't need anything from you. I've been put in a place of neutrality safe and protected.
I'm traveling light because the opposite of that would be traveling heavy and for a guy like me it starts to put plaque on the soul and what I do as an alcoholic is I drink whiskey and if I haven't gotten far away from step one I will continue to chop wood and carry water and fix those things up and this thing called sobriety. I mean I can pray and meditate a hundred times a day, go to a million meetings, call my sponsor, do all the inventory and yet I still have this predator, this four-letter word called the mind, the biggest enemy to hit.
I'm better off fighting a guy who's 6'5", 260 and muscle bound because if he beats me up it's over but what the mind does is let's hit him again and we'll pretty up a junk out because it's goal is to get this alcoholic drunk. So with all the work, the spiritual work I look to do and get some spiritual muscles and get my soul food every day I need to get soul food I still have this predator called the mind that wants to get in there, infiltrate a little bit and say you don't need to call your sponsor.
You went to a meeting last week, you can chill for a week. You don't need to pray, you're tired and little by slowly I'm creating space between me and step one. You can give me a winning lottery ticket, my mind will find fault with that and when things are bad it gets really bad because that's the only thing the mind's capable of doing and it wants to get me drunk, looking for me dead. So with all the work I get to do, my sobriety and I speak for myself, with all the work I get to do as long, thank you God I've been sober, it still hangs from a thread and I can't take this for granted.
So every day is a day I must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities, not my will because when I'm carrying my will into all my activities, today's solution is tomorrow's problem and that was made abundantly clear to me. One of the things I've learned as well is, you know we get sponsors and I've except for my first six months in AA, I've never been without a sponsor, I like having a sponsor, I like calling up a sponsor and either it's a simple conversation or maybe doing step work, whatever it might be, I'm accountable to someone, I like that and we find these sponsors, spiritual directors, these coaches for life, whatever word works for you and they teach us a whole lot and sometimes they have to tell us stuff that pains them to say and pains me to hear but that's what they do.
But I have found so many times one of the best teachers is not necessarily my sponsor, it's life because what life will do when it's dropped in my lap is expose to me things that I was completely unaware of, the family member who gets drunk again, the loss of a job, when you come home she says I want to be divorced, the things that happen, the kids acting up, it reveals stuff in me that I never knew was there, I thought I was doing good, I thought I was a spiritual guru and suddenly I'm pounding my fist on the table saying why me, I just got exposed to something or maybe I'm in fear because of financial security or maybe he or she spent all the money and suddenly I'm in a place of what's going on with me and the knee jerk reaction would be to remedy all the external conditions so I feel good, it's the biggest delusion, I can't do anything about what's going on out there but I can certainly go on bended knees to my God and change me, change my attitude towards whatever is going on, that's all I can do and when I'm doing that I'm traveling light.
So over and over and over again this loving God presented me with the truth only to find a new truth and that's simply peeling the layers of the onion back. God hired me and I know that sounds terribly pretentious I don't mean it that way, in 1988 God hired me, he separated me from alcohol, took death away from me until he calls me home and says I need you to go help my kids, in order to do that you need some tools and I need to then really sharpen, I'm going to continue to sharpen them and when he does that it hurts, it's uncomfortable.
I have found unlike when I first got sober that I thought I'd be rich and famous in ninety days once I'm in AA, you know life is, I'm immune from life, is that sometimes things happen and I don't like them.
[00:10:00]
A little over a year ago I buried my dad, my hero, in my mind's eye he was going to live forever, he was Hercules when I was a kid, he was a tough guy, the alpha male, feared nothing and you went to him for anything and he'd fix it and then I watched him get sicker and sicker and sicker, my dad went about 6'6", 220 in his heyday, at the end he kind of shrunk and reduced to 115 pounds bedridden, how's this happen?
Another wake up call for me, exposed to me a whole bunch of fear and I got to look at my own mortality, I remember I just turned 64, 65 was on the horizon, that means you get Medicare, oh no I'm dead, and you get to look at your own mortality saying well how many, what's in the tank here? Another wake up call to make sure when I put my head on a pillow I tell my wife how much I love her and when I'm around friends to let them know how much I appreciate them, it's really really important and yet it is so wonderful, that's a long way guys from where I was, in 1988, I'm from New York, you can tell I'm not from Kentucky by the way I speak, I mean I come from an Italian American family, surprise, when we say I love you it sounds like a threat, it's kind of like you know I love you, what's the, my first home group in Brooklyn, New York, they changed how it works into how you doing, a very interesting crew, growing up I thought the Godfather was an educational movie, I mean I go on and on with this, but 1988 I had been homeless on the streets of Manhattan in an area called Alphabet City, Lower Manhattan, it was the Lower East Side, it was not a good place to be back then, I understand they revitalized, they need a lot of money to move in there, I haven't been there, but back in the day you had the junkies, you had the the winos and the crack scene hit, it was a bad place, it was full of projects and you walk into any courtyard, any project and cop whatever you had to cop, there were liquor stores and bars all over the place, flea bag places but they were there nonetheless and that's where I was and I was homeless for way too long in 1988, living on the streets panhandling and I took up residency in the back of an abandoned building, it's really unbelievable, the only thing that illuminated the hallway, lit the hallway up was from a streetlight outside that kind of pierced through the broken glass, that's the only illumination I had in my life, I've thought about this many times and yet I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and it's a path to illumination and the steps illuminate the path, so what I would do is come out of that hallway, the reason why I took residency in the back of an abandoned building hallway because at that point I was weighing about 130 pounds, I'm over 200 right now, so I'm like 70 pounds less than I weigh now, I got hepatitis C, I'm urinating blood and I'm not showering, I'm not eating, I couldn't tell you the last time I had a square meal, I'm one of those guys you see the bums on the street, that's me, that's my condition and I lived for the next drink, get money to get to the liquor store to drink because I was getting violently ill, I was doing that and eating Valium, I was off the narcotics, the other stuff for a couple years, I could not get away from alcohol, guys I can't tell you how many times I'm drinking out of the bottle of whiskey, cursing it, this got to stop and when I finished it, go get more money to go back to the liquor store because I couldn't get out, figuratively speaking if I was stuck on a bar stool, I know I got to get home, the wife's cooking dinner, I know I got to get to my kid's little league game, I know I got to get home, I know I got to get to work, I want to, I want to go shopping for her birthday, I want to go shopping for her anniversary, I want to, I want to sit with my children and play with them, I want to and I can't because something called an allergy and something called an obsession demands that I stay there and I can't get out and when I stop drinking, I start to shake, I start to get violently ill and I become really irritable and I become violent, only to come to the next one and say what did I do and hate myself more and the only thing that's going to relieve that is the very thing that took me there and that's a double vodka, one more time.
So in 1988, I'm living in the back of this abandoned building and I lost contact with my family and there were many moments of clarity saying how did I get here, I remember being outside the Port Authority in Midtown Manhattan, the night there on your side of the Port Authority if any of you guys know that area, very colorful looking in the 80s, strange people floating around. for looking in the 80s, strange people floating around, not a safe place to be, and I came
[00:15:02]
out of a blackout, I'm looking around saying, what am I doing here, how did I get here, and look at my condition, and I screamed at God with every four letter word I can think of, because you did this to me, and I lingered out there for a lot longer, but something interesting happened to me in 1988, this divine intervention, this merciful God, very often in AA, and I'm sure you do it here, we talk about a powerful God, a loving God, a forgiving God, a righteous God, but what I have found, the thing, all of those, plus God's mercy is the thing that's got me here this morning, because if God was a fair God, there's no way I'm standing here giving you a talk, but a merciful God, yeah, and there's another one behind that, and another one behind that, so in 1988, I'm laying in the back of this abandoned building, and I'm hurting, you know, I didn't have the strength to even walk, I was so weak and feeble, I've lived to be a hundred, I'll never be as old as the day I got here, into AA, into my seven treatment center, and I remember getting up off the floor, because it wasn't like, I think I'll drink today, I'll have one or two, I had to drink, my body, I didn't even know what I was going through, after six treatment centers, headed into number seven, I don't even understand, I'm going through a withdrawal, my body is soaking wet, and I'm freezing at the same time, and it's shaking, my belly's upside down, my hands, I'm trying to shake them, and it's just, I'm in serious trouble, so I went to get up off the floor, because I got to get out there, I got a panhandle, steal whatever I need to do, get money, get to the liquor store, in this condition, drink, and then maybe you get relieved for a little bit, yeah? See, my alcoholism doesn't come in a bottle of whiskey, and that's what I've done for the longest time, if I could just stop drinking, I'll be great, I stopped drinking, I was worse, but here I am, and I remember heading out, trying to head out of the hallway, of this building, to get out on the street, and then something changed, you know, even today, I got to tell you, I can't see God turning a corner, and about to interrupt my life, and revolutionize it once again, but suddenly there he is, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, and back then I didn't understand that God was about to flip my life, and turn it inside out, and when this moment occurred, it didn't sound godly, it didn't feel godly, I certainly didn't look godly, I definitely didn't smell godly, but it was very much a godly event, because what happened to me when I got up off the floor, I collapsed, it would be as if chip came behind me, and hit me in both knees from the back, and my knees buckled, and down I go, and I can't get up, it was as if the fist of Gulliver punched me in the chest, I can't move, and then it began to change, I remember this clearly, I couldn't stop crying, it was this purging of tears, I don't know where this is coming from, I can't stop crying, and I kept thinking how did I get here, I grew up in a nice family, my mom was a full blown alcoholic by the way, but she did what she could to raise me right, so did my dad, they gave us good values, and my first drunk was an innocent, feel great drunk, and here I am now in this abandoned building, how did I get here, it was as if my life passed before my eyes in a sense, and I couldn't stop crying, I'm thinking oh my god, I must have lost my mind, this is crazy I'm losing my mind, I'm here to report to you, in that moment I lost my mind, and I pray it never returns, because as long as I'm in my mind, I got problems, which means so do you, but God kind of removed me from me for a minute, and the very same God who I mocked, and hated, and despised for so long, I'm a cradle Catholic, I knew about the carpenter, I knew he wasn't interested in me, if you were a man back then, and talked to me about God, religion, and spiritual things, I'd look at you as weak and cowardly, God was for women and children, besides he's cruel, it's delusional, it's Hollywood Disney World, you got to do life, I hated God, he took my mom when I was 14 years old, what kind of God is this, but in that hallway, in that moment, what God will do is create an environment, even now, God creates an environment to get my attention, sometimes it feels like it's punitive, it isn't, those of us who have children, sometimes we raise our voices, sometimes we give them a time out, it's not to be cruel, it's like something important is happening, you need
[00:20:01]
to know this, the very same God who I hated, I begged for mercy that morning, and my words, I'll never forget them, it was please take me from this, I don't want to die, now we live life forward, and kind of understand that backwards, and I look back on that, it's interesting what God did, I wasn't thinking, hey, I need to make a phone call, go to detox, then go to treatment, then come to AA, make 90 meetings in 90 days, and by Monday be Moses, this is going to be great, I wasn't thinking about anything, I just don't want to die, if you will, I stood before my creator in the road with nothing, there was nothing to grasp on to, there were no more rungs in the ladder, he created that, so he and I can have a little conversation, or he did most of the talking, please take me from this, I don't want to die, and here's what God does, I didn't see my dad for God knows how long, my dad was in a town called Atlantic City, New Jersey, and he was with his wife, he had been remarried by then, and they were getting away for the weekend, shows and gambling and do what they do, around 2 or 2.30 in the morning, my dad told the story up until almost the day passed, that he was awakened out of his sleep, yeah, and he got a message, he said something in my gut, in his later years he said God, to go look for me, and he was getting dressed, and his wife said where are you going, he said I'm going to find my son Peter, he said we haven't seen him, so where are you going to find him, he said I don't know, and she thought a lunacy commission should be appointed for him, and he made this trek from Atlantic City, New Jersey to Lower East Side, Manhattan, without traffic, that's a long, long, that's easy 3 hours, without traffic, and he's going through the worst parts of town, Alphabet City, trying to find yours truly, and as God would have it, God connected the dots, and he found me standing on a street corner, tore up from the floor up, I had blood stained soil pants on, I had construction boots, the right boot was missing the front, I had this turtleneck, brown turtleneck and a black zip up jacket, I'm sweating profusely, I'm vibrating, and I got the chills, I can't even fathom what it's like to find a loved one in that condition, let alone your first born, I'm the first male born in an Italian Catholic family, I was supposed to be Pope or President, and here I am, you know, I remember my grandmother when she was alive, she would meet her friends, she says this is my youngest grandson, pointing at me and my brothers, he's an actor in California, here's my other grandson, he's a stock broker on Wall Street, and here's my oldest grandson, he talks to alcoholic people, and they would just kind of grab their purses and walk away, and my dad drove up, and he found me on the street corner, and he got out of the car, and I remember this, walking towards me, calling my name, he threw the cigarette down, he's calling my name, and the very first thing that comes out of my mouth is, Dad, I'm okay, I'm fine, this alcoholic ego would not die yet, I'm okay, I'm fine, I was praying for mercy a few hours earlier, and when my dad got to me, our roots began to grasp new soil, because what happened, it was over and I collapsed, I collapsed in my dad's arms, I hadn't been that kind of proximity with my dad since maybe five years old, and I was acutely aware of, oh my God, and he had his hands and arms under my arms, holding me up, it was done, but he kept repeating something, this I remember, he said, I'm not going to lose my son to this, I'm not going to lose my son to this, I'm not going to lose my, he kept repeating this over and over and over again, and I was placed in my seventh treatment center, and I would love to tell you, I was this post a child for treatment, but about 10 days ish in this treatment center, my alcoholism was not done with me, I was getting thirsty, and the detox was horrific, I need a drink to figure this out, and then I'll go to group, and truly by God's grace, that didn't happen, and because of Alcoholics Anonymous, we talk about God's grace, I get to experience that power, which gives me grace, and they sent me off to Minnesota, and I came in contact with some wonderful people out there, and what I get to do nowadays is live in this light, I get to talk about the good news, I get to hear the good news from other folks, God has put me to work, he's hired me, I'm on call, I told I sponsor a guy, he says you don't believe, I got a phone call 1130 last night, I was sound asleep,
[00:25:03]
I said dude, you're on call, there's no days off in recovery, and one day you're going to thank that guy for waking you up at 1130, because he connected you, you stood connected, God has purpose for you, and sometimes it is an inconvenience, sometimes it is uncomfortable, I wouldn't have it any other way, how I got here, 14 years old, what we did back in Brooklyn, the guys hung out on street corners and schoolyards, that's where everyone hung out, we didn't have, you know, mountains and the woods to go into, everything's very urban, and your corner was the Mecca of the world, your crew, and you wanted to be part of a crew, and you had to work yourself up by doing some ugly things, so you get approval from the other guys, and that's how it was, but at 14 years old, guys, I was a gifted musician, God gave me that gift right out of the gate, I was the kid in my neighborhood who was going to make it out via music, even my dad, who doesn't give compliments, would throw flowers at my feet, because my son's going to make something of himself with music, but at home, I wasn't feeling too good about myself, in school, I wasn't feeling too good about myself, and just, you know, navigating through life, I would hear my friends talk about going to a high school, or going off to college, and who had career paths already, and it scared the heck out of me, life frightened the heck out of me, my alcoholic mom, my first drunk was spring, summertime, and January 1974, after about a half a dozen attempts at suicide, that I can remember, my mom finally committed suicide, she went from psych ward, to psych ward, to psych ward, a suicide attempt, she was addicted to narcotics, she could never stop drinking, she had some mental health issues, and she was sick and suffering, we knew nothing about AA, we knew nothing about going to therapy, that wasn't common back then, it was a different, it was not two years, too many years ago, it was a different world back then, the 70s, but I was hanging out on the street corner, I knew everyone knew that my mom committed suicide, I used to run around telling people she died of cancer, because somewhere in my mind, that was easier, that made sense, people get that, sadly, but suicide, oh my god, but everyone knew, around ages 8 to 10, I was being repeatedly touched inappropriately by someone in the basement of my house, and that did a lot of bad things to me internally, headwise, and I remember being threatened, if you tell anyone it's going to get worse, and so you walk with that secret, so all this stuff is simply called trauma, it doesn't make me an alcoholic, I was terribly afraid of my dad growing up, my dad was larger than life, and I'm not embellishing, I'm not bragging about my dad, he was larger than life, he walked in his room, he knew he was in the room, he got so much respect from people, I saw it, and he knew how to give it back, so he was this guy, and then there's me, I wanted long hair, I wanted to be a musician, I was in, I wanted to be Keith Richards, you know, my dad was convinced, he picked up the wrong baby at the hospital, I wanted bell-bottoms when they came out, I remember the whole thing, and my mom said, let him grow his hair long, that's what the kids are doing, I'll buy him bell-bottoms, and my dad was like, he's going to become a communist, what's wrong with him, I wanted to go to Woodstock when I was 10 years old, you know, I remember crying on the couch, I'm 10, I want to go there, I knew all the, my friends were playing with G.I. Joes, and I know members of all the bands, because that's what was my life, and that was going to be my path, and so when I showed up to the street corner, I'm not doing too good with me, my mom's gone, my whole life was turned inside out, she was my world, I got the secret of this man who bothered me for a few years, and I can't go home to my dad and say, can we talk, because I'd rather not be in the same room with him, I'm so afraid of him, until this one night when Coke 45 beer was going around, I'd never been drunk before, I don't even know what drunk is, but I'm seeing it being produced in them by drinking alcohol, I like the effect being produced in you, because you're drunk, and you seem to be trying to be traveling light, seeing was believing at that point, it sounded unbelievable, coming to AA and believing is seeing how this works, and so I grabbed a quart of beer and began to drink, and halfway through a quart of beer, I'm experiencing something I never experienced before, our book talks about a sense of ease and comfort, I see you drinking with impunity, why not I, yeah, so I'm drinking half a quart of beer, So I'm drinking half a quart of beer and I'm feeling pretty good about me. I got taller and bigger and better looking. I was like Snoop Dogg meets Al Pacino rolled into one.
[00:30:07]
That's a sight, I gotta tell ya. You sure you're not spiking the coffee? I had a ride, Bill says it in his story, so did I. The guys, we used to listen to rock and Motown. It was before MTV ruined everything, so it was a cool town. We didn't have disco, I don't even know what they're listening to right now. But we had Motown, we had rock and roll, it was cool, the music was playing. We're drinking beer, the girls got prettier.
That followed me for many years when I was drinking at the bar. I swore as I'm getting drunk she looks just like Bo Derek. Next morning, look more like Bo Diddley, and I says oh boy. By the time I finish the quarter beer I'm drunk, and I know drunk, this is drunk, this is what they're talking about. I'm warm, I'm fuzzy, I'm insulated, life which hurt doesn't hurt. I got plans and designs. I feel powerful, I feel in control, I'm in control.
I got plans and designs. I feel powerful, I feel in control, I'm in the saddle, let's go. I was just the opposite, but in this alcoholic mind I'm feeling in control. And life didn't hurt for a moment. And sometimes I don't realize how much bondage I'm in until I taste a little bit of freedom. Even in recovery, that night I tasted what I thought was freedom. And I look back and say how did I stay in bondage, how did I stay sober?
I'm only 14, I'm looking back at my life, oh my God, it's been a struggle. There's no way I'm walking into school on Monday sober. I'm never going to be sober again, ever. Guys, when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous at 28 years old in 1988, life still hurt. I was physically sober, I had no design for living. I was full of fear, I was insecure, and life hurt. Getting a career, going back to work, eventually find a young lady, maybe get married, start a family.
That sounds good on paper, I can't do this. And I'm sober. I woke up the next morning, there were no consequences. I didn't get arrested, no one beat me up, no one was looking for me, you know. I just had this euphoric recall how wonderful it was, I'm going to do it again, and I did. Again, and again, and again, and progression. There's something in music called crescendo, and crescendo is when the music gets big and loud.
Well, alcoholism does the same thing. It gets big, it gets loud, and it starts to take people. People were involved in my drive-by shooting, and they did nothing. And while I'm starting to experience consequences, so is my family. See, what I learned growing up, and you guys know better than I do. With an alcoholic mom, is that as a kid, you lose your voice. You're there. But the focus was on mom. Even with good accomplishments, good, get back to mom.
You're not punished when you should be punished. You're not rewarded when you should be rewarded. It's just you're passing through. And rules and regulations are changing on a dime. And what I learned growing up, and you guys know better than I do. We're waiting for, we're all walking with a pending doom. Bill says the goose hung high in this story. Well, here I am. And my family's experiencing all of this once again.
Except my brothers aren't little babies. They're growing up, and they're starting to see me wreck my life. And my first reaction was, leave me alone. My family and my dad thought maybe I saw something as a kid with my mom. Maybe something here. Maybe something. And they're all trying to figure out the thing to twist, to turn, to pull, to push, to make Peter okay. I'm alcoholic. If all my ducks in a row, I would celebrate by drinking.
That's what I do. Apart from God, I have no future. And I started to steal. I stole from my dad. Because I'm a coward. So I start forging checks from my dad's checkbook. And I go down to the local bodega, and they cash it. They knew who he was. They weren't going to tell me no. I knew this. And I get 20 bucks off a check. I walk out with beer. I go across the street to the liquor store. I knew nothing about checking statements back then.
I thought when you cashed a check, it disappeared. Who's going to find out? And one day, I called the house. And my kid brother answered the phone. And he says, where are you? The old man's looking for you. He says, what for?
[00:35:00]
He says, you stole checks from my… What's his problem? It's a few hundred dollars. What is the big deal? This mind would not let me grasp. I stole. I minimized. It's just a few hundred dollars. Dad always had a lot of money in his pocket. I was callous. I was desensitized. Because of alcoholism. My dad found me not too much later. It was unbelievable. This guy knew everyone everywhere. And I was spotted every place all the time.
And he found me sitting in a car with a young lady I had met the night before I was out. So as an alcoholic, I'm in love and stalking at the same time. And my dad drove up. And he got out of the car. He called my name. I started to run away. And as soon as he caught me, I blamed the girl in the car. I blamed the guys on the corner. And I threw out the trump card. Mom died. I'm all mixed up. I spoke to some friends.
We're going to take you to a place in Amityville, Long Island. It's a hospital. It's a private psych hospital I went to a whole bunch of times. And I walk in to this little treatment center. And what does Mr. Tough Guy do? I go in my room and cry. Because I'm petrified. 28 days later, they released me. And what do I do? That young lady I was in the car with. I said, honey, I'm coming home like I did a state bid somewhere.
And she met me with a pint. And the trap doors have trap doors. Here comes the allergy. When I drink one drink, I must have the second drink. I'm stuck in more. I need more, regardless of what it is. My mind will pay any price tomorrow to seek comfort right now. That's what it does. Once we're drunk, settle for me dead. I made my second treatment center. I made my third treatment center. And somewhere in there, I got introduced to narcotics.
And in a short time, I had holes all over my body. I can't stop drinking. I got the trifecta going on. I got pills, booze, and narcotics. All at once. And I got to a point where no matter how much I put into my body or landed in the hospital, car crashes, arrests regularly, I got to stop. I got to stop after the next one. Now, someone outside of recovery said, that's just being weak. We'll grow up.
My argument is, it takes a lot of will to continue to do this and destroy yourself, to go to any lengths. Because at one point, as an alcoholic, guys, I got to tell you, I know my life is in the toilet and people are crying at night and they can't sleep because of me. And I can't stop. There was a long time I didn't want to stop. The idea of being sober frightened the heck out of me. How do you do life?
How do you consecutively get up every day, tend to a family, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed, get up, go over and over and over again without a little juice? With a little something? Just a little cushion? It was unfathomable. And by the time I got to my fifth treatment center, I wanted to stop for good and all. I had abscesses on my arms. I got the hep C going on. I know alcohol is killing me.
I'm regarded by some people as a drunk. He's a drunk. Alcoholic almost sounds proper. Hi, I'm an alcoholic. Oh, great. I'm a drunk. It's a little dirty. A family member saying he became a drunk. Stay away from him. And I went into my fifth treatment center and they said, 30 days is not enough for you. We're going to keep you long. And they kept me for nine weeks in an inpatient lockdown treatment center.
Now, I knew my life wasn't going well because my side of the door didn't have a doorknob. That's not a good sign. And they caught the food in and caught the food out and they take you from group to group to group and the physical fitness and all of that stuff, getting medicated. And I'm having a really difficult time. But after nine weeks of being in treatment, they said we need to, you know, release you.
We can't hold you anymore. And I gave the typical alcoholic response. I know what I need to do. I crossed the threshold of the building out onto the street and I'm slapping reality. I don't know what to do. I have no girlfriend. I have no money. I don't even know where I'm going to live. I have no job. And then it's on me. You know all those voices constantly talking to you? Got to be here. Go there. Got to be there.
Got to do this. Got to say that.
[00:40:00]
All day long one voice says we need a drink right now to figure this out. So I call my dad collect. I say just release me. I don't know what to do. And I remember him saying reluctantly just get a cab. Come home and I'll pay for it. I'll settle with the cab driver when you get here. And that's what I did. And when I walked in the house, both my younger brothers who are young men now were standing in the kitchen.
And my kid brother said to my other brother what's he doing here? He's going to ruin everything. That was not a pretty picture for me. A simple sentence like that. I was appalled that he would think that about me but the truth was I was going to ruin everything. And they knew it. And by Monday I could not take it anymore. I knew it was a bad move to go back to my dad's house. I needed relief somewhere.
I needed a drink desperately. And so I snuck out of the house early Monday morning. It was still dark out. I took a car that did not belong to me and I headed to downtown Brooklyn to a liquor store I used to go to. And when I got there everything was still closed. And this is where I meet my demons. My plan was to set up an ambush. My plan was to get into that liquor store, get one pint of whiskey.
What damage? Drink, drive, ditch the car, get back to my dad's house and chill. It's Monday. I'll chill. And I remember I got out of the car and I'm waiting for the liquor store to open. I'm walking back and forth and walking back and forth. Physically, guys, I'm sober. I don't need any more booze in me. I've been in treatment. I've passed post-acute withdrawal stuff. My body is as sober as it's ever going to be.
It was fine. But the obsession didn't go anywhere. And the obsession got so loud and so powerful, little by slowly I'm walking. I'm starting to feel like I'm going through withdrawal. My hands are starting to vibrate. Here comes the sweating, the anxiety. My belly. I'm going to lose my bowels. Oh, my God. I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink. And the liquor store finally opened. I got a pint of whiskey.
And I drank it. You know what happened. I felt wonderful. All that anxiety. All of it. My body didn't need a drink, but the mind said, yeah, you do. The problem was I needed a second pint of whiskey, so I went back in the liquor store and got a second pint of whiskey. And it was on. And for me, when I'm drunk, I like to get drunker. And by the end of the night, I was panhandling. I don't know what happened to that car.
And I was back on one of the worst drunks ever. If it wasn't for my dad's money and connections, I probably would have been in prison. I wasn't a violent drunk. I wasn't a guy running around with guns. But when you show up in front of a judge, they're going to put you away for a little bit. I avoided that. I just kept getting arrested. And it was an awful time. I got into my six treatment center. And I walked out after 36 hours.
Because the truth will always find me. If I can be so bold, the truth will always find us. It always does. Same way with my sinfulness. It's going to find me. It's going to corner me one day. And the truth for me was sitting in the treatment center was this detox is horrific. First one I did standing on my head. I can't do this. And I started to recall all the scenes, all the lying, all the manipulating, all the stealing, all the broken hearts, all the emergency rooms, all of it. Oh, my God.
How do you get out from under? My family, my kid brothers want nothing to do with me. My grandparents who would invite all of us in for a Sunday dinner locked the doors. That all came tumbling down on me. I said to myself, the best thing I can do because I'm never getting sober, is just die. And I walked out after 36 hours. And I was living in some flea bag motel. There was a young lady who was a barmaid.
She took pity on me. She said, I want you to stay with me. And one night when she finished her shift and put her pocketbook down and went into her part of the room to go to sleep, I went into her pocketbook to steal the money she made. And what I found was, for me, gold at the time. It was almost a half a bottle of valium as my prayers have been answered. And I ate them. And I got back into my little bed and waited to die. And I wanted out.
This was a sign from God. He's going to take away my pain. And when that was, it hits. And you're drifting away. I had this little moment. I've talked about this many times. When my mom committed suicide, my dad, my uncles, the men that we were surrounded with, my family was mostly men. My family was mostly men. My dad had three brothers and he had like four uncles and was mostly a lot of testosterone growing up.
[00:45:00]
They would sit down and say, mom committed suicide, but she was a woman, she was weaker. Men are strong, especially the Marinelli men. Suicide women do, men don't do that, the Marinelli men. So that gets deposited back here. I'm somewhere in here, suicide's a gender issue. When that stuff hit, and I'm going out the same way my mom went out, I realized gender has nothing to do with it. This is what all those counselors talked about when H and I would bring meetings into the treatment center, how alcoholism wants me dead, will settle for me drunk. This is it.
In neon lights, and it's too late, and God interrupted my death. And I was on the streets, and that was 1988. And I got rescued from that scrap heap, and God used my dad to save my life. It's really interesting on that particular day when he put his arms on the mine to hold me up. The last time I saw my dad, he was in this hospital, and he was really feeble, and he was sitting in a wheelchair. And embarrassed, he was so embarrassed, he knew what was happening to him.
He said, would you do me a favor? I don't want to call the orderly, he called him. He said, would you put me in bed? He said, I'm tired. I said, of course, and I leaned over, and as I leaned over, he kind of lifted his arms, and I put my hand under his arms. And there was a flash of God for a moment. I said, oh my God. It was 36 years ago, and my dad did the same exact thing for me. And I lifted him up, and I tried to force feed him some integrity by, you know, making a joke of it.
And I told him, I'm going to call a couple of nurses in tonight. You guys can fool around when no one's around, and just anything to crack a joke. And I tucked my dad in, I made a prayer, and I left the last time I saw him. But I made peace with that man. Not only that day, but for 36 years that he saw me sober, and I'll call it synonymous. My brothers found Al-Anon. My brothers found therapy. My brothers found church.
The last few years of my life, my dad was going back to his religious community, we're all Catholics. He would talk about God regularly. God continues to feed, and sometimes the way he feeds is by denying me things that I want. Because what I think I want, the comfort I need, all the stuff that I want, is the very same thing that's going to get me in trouble again. So I need to stay open to God's will for me.
I've gotten back to my religious community. My wife and I attend, we're both Catholics, we do this often. When I'm on the road, I camp, but if I'm not on the road, that's where I am. Sometimes we'll be sitting in our religious community during the week. Alcoholics Anonymous has become our life. I don't have a life without it. There's three places that I'm most comfortable on this entire planet. The first one is when I'm in an AA meeting.
This weekend with you. I'm just better. I could open up my top button, if you will, and when I share my brokenness, you got it. You understand it. I'm much better here. I interact with civilians now and again. I see them in the public store, and the public says, oh, there they are. That's a civilian. Just, good morning, how are you? I mean, it's the civilians, you know. The other place is when I'm with my wife.
And the third place is when I'm in church. If I close my eyes and take my last breath with those three things, I've been greatly overpaid. There's hope and there's fun ahead because of recovery. I'll close with two things and I'll be out of here. When an alcoholic says he's going to close, get comfortable because you have another three hours. The only thing God wants is my soul. And I give him my soul and he's given me a life.
I give him my life and he's given me purpose. Over and over and over again I've given him my sinfulness and he continues to give me forgiveness. I've given him my drunkenness and he's given me sobriety. I've given him my sobriety and he's given me Alcoholics Anonymous. That allows me to spend a weekend with you. It's great watching my brothers use some of your terms and some of the AA terms. They go to therapy.
They like the effect produced by all of it. They're involved in their church. They go to more Christian churches. It's kind of going up the same mountain, just a different route, a different flavor. But they found peace with the past which allows them to be okay now.
[00:50:02]
Last thing I'll say is this. Somebody handed me a book. I put it on the shelf and collected dust for about a year. And one day the books call us. Read me now. This book has nothing to do with AA. And the author is not in AA. But when I read this, this is what we all experience. AA Al-Anon. The Other Twelve Step Fellowships. This is what the author writes. May I become at all times, both now and forever, a protector for those without protection.
A guide for those who have lost their way. A ship for those with oceans to cross. A bridge for those with rivers to cross. A sanctuary for those in danger. A lamp for those without light. A place of refuge for those who lack shelter. And a servant to all in need. That's my life. And I'm very grateful for it. I want to thank you for having me. That's all I got. Peace. Thank you.