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Source: Pamela L – 12 Step Serenity Weekend 2023 AA Lead – Date Unknown.mp3 File: pamela-l-12-step-serenity-weekend-2023-aa-lead-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:22:56
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. All right, look at all these beautiful faces. So exciting. So my name is Pamela Rosas Lang because I can't be normal and have like one name. I have to have a couple. Serial marrier, alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is May 27th, 1994. I came into A.A. May of 94 and I came into Al-Anon in July of 94. I came into A.A. My father had just died in a shootout with the police after he murdered his wife, and I grew up in a crazy alcoholic home. That pretty much is the ending of it should tell you. Pretty much all you need to know right there.
That's pretty much how my childhood went, a crazy alcoholic home. And my husband was drinking and I was trying to get sober and I was at an A.A. meeting and this woman, these women in Avon Lake told me that I should go to Al-Anon. I didn't know what Al-Anon was so I went and you know I'm an alcoholic so I go to the Al-Anon meeting and I watched the clock the whole time. Tick, tick, tick. I mean I was a little bored because I'm an alcoholic. I'm used to some real, you know, some wild leads, you know, some crazy people telling crazy things, drunken crazy stories. And then here y'all are in your Al-Anon meeting, so nice and quiet, very meek and mild. Until I started having lunch with some of you and then I got to know you a lot better. And I realized that I definitely qualify for both programs. And about, I don't remember, when you moved this conference to Oberlin. So it was originally at Aquamarine, thank you. So I first came to this conference after it was moved to Oberlin and I only came for one reason. I had not gone to the first couple, of course, since I was newer in the program but I, after the conference one year after January, they were all talking about this marshmallow fight. I was like, a marshmallow fight? Okay, that's what I came for. Seriously came for this marshmallow fight. So I come to the conference and luckily there was some other people like me that were alcoholics in Al-Anons. And I was playing cards with a really nice guy named Tom F., whose wife is here, Karen. And he, I was playing cards with some other alcoholic and they were men of course because that's kind of what I kind of went towards those days. You know, I have a lot of problems. I had a lot of problems, let's say. And I was playing cards and he asked me about, he goes, you're an AA? And I said yeah, I'm an AA. And he goes, oh you're a double winner. I go, double winner? What's that? And so he told me, I'm an alcoholic with codependency, alcohol, you know. I, I mean, seriously, where do you get to come and be this messed up and be a double winner? I mean, there's no place on earth that people are like, Pamela, we just love you because you're a double winner. No, normally they're like, get out, go, don't ever come back. That's what I was used to, you know. So thank you for asking me to come and lead the conference. I'm really grateful for that. I'm grateful just, I mean, that I have sobriety, that I have a life that I have today. And it's just, it's amazing actually. So like I said, I came into AA because I drank. I mean, my parents drank, I drank, I loved alcohol. And when I was growing up and my parents were drinking and they were abandoning us children and not being responsible, I just figured that when I drank that I would be responsible and that it wouldn't happen to me. I was going to grow up, I was going to be a flight attendant. I mean, I knew everything that I was going to do when I was 13 or 14 years old and then I picked up a drink and none of those things ever happened. I could never hold a job, I couldn't finish college, and I had some
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really bad, like, ideas about life. They were not, like, normal. My perceptions of
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how things were supposed to be in the world and what they were really like was very askew. You know, I just, that's just how I thought, you know. And alcoholism does that, you know. This disease tells me so many lies and it's so powerful and baffling that the denial of it is just so great, you know. And I just have this terrible denial of my disease, of my thinking, I don't know how to handle, like, relationships, I can't hold jobs, and, you know. But the funny thing is, is I don't know that about myself. Like, you can point that out to me, but I don't know it.
So, you know, I'm the oldest of five and when our dad died, I'm the only one who came into AA or got sober or went to any kind of program. And my siblings have all just really, really struggled. So being here has just been, you know, an awakening journey for myself. And Wally and I were talking on the way here, you know, what we would be like if, you know, we were still drinking and, you know, we would be burning our lives down. I wouldn't have, you know, the relationship that I have with my daughter. I have a great relationship. I am, I can be married now and be faithful and be happy, you know. And none of those things I could, I could not do before. You could not make me happy, you know, even in sobriety. You know, I got sober and in the first probably 15, 20 years, you couldn't, you couldn't make me happy. You know, I was always thinking that it was going to be something else, you know, that was going to make me happy. If I had this or if I did that, I could not be content. I had a very difficult time being content. And, you know, that was just like a real, real struggle for me. Never knowing where I fit in, I felt uncomfortable, you know, like this. This is not, this is uncomfortable. And not terribly uncomfortable because, see, when you're standing, when I'm standing up here and I'm talking with all of you, it is a responsibility. It's a responsibility for me to give you recovery and hope. You know, that's my responsibility. And as a double winner, you know, I usually run from the responsibility or I'm going to go over there and tell you what yours is. You know, so it's not always, you know, an easy thing for me, you know. And it's finding that great balance. And, you know, and just being, you know, in a program that helps you know what your responsibilities are and what they're not. You know, I, when I first came to Al-Anon, like I said, I have an AA sponsor. Her name is Tony Facco. And when I first got sober, I met this couple named Bill and Carol Finley. And they took me to all these big book retreats. And Carol brought me to Al-Anon. And Carol helped me through my Al-Anon until she passed away just this past September. And I've been guided, you know. And if I would not have stayed and come to meetings and called and did what's required in the 12 steps, I wouldn't be able to have responsibilities, follow through with them, learn what boundaries are, learn what the denialness of what was in me, you know. I walked around, you know, and I could still do that today. Walk around with these filled, you know, these rose- colored glasses. I like to see the best in everybody. I really do. I don't, I don't like to just like, you know, if someone says, oh that girl's, I'm like, no you gotta give her like some credit because she, you know, it's. But opening up and being aware, you know, of my surroundings and still giving people the benefit of the doubt. But stepping back and being able to be true to myself and my feelings, that was very difficult for me. You know, because I was never that true
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to my feelings. It's here where I learned, you know. I learned a lot about my alcoholism and my drinking and AA and the powerlessness and the denial and the baffling part of the disease that even when I wanted to quit drinking, I would still drink because of the obsession. It's so great, you know. So I learned that there and then here I was able to learn, bring it all in and be helpful of those relationships, you know, and how to cultivate them, you know. I was, I'd like to say I didn't realize that how selfish, you know, that I can be. You know, I don't know that I'm being selfish until I'm truly aware of how it is affecting other people. And until people are, this is me, everybody's got to be burned down before I figure it out, you know. People are hurting, they're flopping all over, they're, you know, like Pamela. And that's when I realized, you know, and today I can tell you that honestly I learned it a lot faster. But that is the part of recovery, you know. It's the four-letter word of time. This takes time. And I really thought that when I came into recovery, you know, when I heard people who had like five and ten years, I was so impressed. I thought when I have five or ten years, I am going to have it all together. I mean, I'm going to be something else. No, I was not. I was something else all right, but you know. And it's not to say that I didn't do good things or, you know, great things or sacrifice, you know, because without the sacrifice, without being inconvenienced, without those things I would not have grown. I can't grow without being inconvenienced, praying for the courage to go through things, courage to say things I don't want to say. I'm like most of you, I don't like conflict, I don't want to have some sort of conflict and tell you, no, that's not good for me. I mean, doesn't that sound crazy to me now? You know, that is hurting me. And it has taken me years to be able to go, that is not good for me. I can't do that, you know. And before I would just go along with things, you know. My drinking days, I mean, I was just, the things I would do, oh my gosh. You know, the first few years I was really embarrassed by those things and I love that our book tells us, you know, one of the promises, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Basically because I can learn, I've learned from those things that I can give those things away and I can help other people with those, you know. Helping others is vital to my sobriety, my permanent sobriety, I believe the big book says, is having permanent sobriety. Because without my permanent sobriety, I'm not going to come here, you know. I'm out, I'm gone, you know. Drinking is the most important thing to me when I'm drinking. And this is a family disease and I see it. I heard this statistic the other day, you know, it kills more people than cancer, it kills more people than addiction. It's just covered up in a different way, you know. My dad died of alcoholism, but the paper says he died in a shootout. My mother died of alcoholism last January, but it'll say AFib. She died a slow, slow death of alcoholism, of years of falling and hurting herself. And you know what I did through those years where she was drinking and falling and hurting herself? I was the best daughter that I could absolutely be because I came here, because I come to the meetings, because I did the things I did not want to do. I didn't want to do those things, but I had, but I learned here about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't for all of them, it's for me. Because if I have, you know, I'm an alcoholic, so I can't just like take or whatever. I can't. I have to do it all. I am an all-or-nothing type person. I am either in these rooms 100%, doing the deal, in the middle of the bed, going to the meetings, helping others, prayer, meditation. I have to do those things because I can't take a chance, you know, I can't. And when I am doing that, you know, I am so much better when I'm following the direction. When I call my sponsor and she says, you know, this is what you have to do. You know, 99% of the time I am…
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I'm going to tell you what happens every percent that I don't follow it. It works out bad. It really does. I mean, in all my years of here, I've totally learned if I just follow the direction, it all works out. But, you know, I am a human, not Jesus, you know. I get my ego and my humanness in there and I think I get my rights in there and think that I got it all figured out and I don't, you know. And with that time thing of staying here long enough, as they always said, long enough to, you know, see the miracle, feel the miracle, be the miracle, you know.
I'm here today because I did a lot of work, a lot. I came from some serious messed up stuff, heartbreaking even. Books are written on it, murder mysteries, you know, all of that, you know. And I am able to function in the world as a responsible human being who doesn't flip people off, even though they flip me off, you know, and be responsible because of this program. I learned to do things and not tell anyone.
Do you know how hard that is in the beginning? The beginning, that was super hard because I want credit for everything, you know. But that's not what builds character and this really is about character. It's really about building my character, you know, the old one that I had and the new one that I'm building, the new one that I have because I have a God of my understanding, you know. And the steps bring in, you know, that powerlessness, but also I have to have a God, you know.
I tried to avoid the whole God thing. I went to treatment in 87 and they told me I was going to relapse before I left, and I did, promptly. It's the God thing, you know. It's that turning my life over to a God of my understanding and then looking at those defects and then learning, you know. I'm so afraid not to know something. I was afraid of not knowing something, you know, and telling you I don't know.
That just kept me sick. And so from when I started to say, you know, I don't know, I don't know, help me, I was able to start on the track of healing, you know. Not only just staying sober, but healing a lot of just brokenness in me. The first three years that I led, I cried the whole time. I felt terrible for the people who had to hear me. Terrible. An AA, luckily, I don't think any of you had to hear me.
Maybe her. Maybe her. She's known me a long time. But I would cry. I was so broken. I mean, just the insides of me, I couldn't even talk. And I'm grateful for the people who took me through all of that, you know, who got me here, who helped me, you know. And I'd like to say there are no bad decisions when you come here. Good luck. I made lots of them. But you know what? I have a program, a program that tells me that I can make amends, promptly make amends, that I can take my inventory and see where I was wrong.
And here's the tricky part in Al-Anon. Was I wrong or were you wrong? That's so, yeah, because I'm always wrong, you know, because then if you're wrong, then I'm going to have to have that conversation with you, and then I don't know about having that. So, yeah. So, you know, with the steps, you know, comes the healing, but I have to do all the steps. All of them in a row. And you know, that's the only thing that's really saved me.
Coming here, doing the steps, and doing all of it. You know, because if someone like me, I mean, and not, I mean, there's only like a handful of you in here who knew me like, you know, in the raw beginning. Just how raw I was, how obnoxious. You know? I couldn't even stand still behind the podium. I mean, you had to move like everything. I couldn't have nothing around me. I mean, when I would go lead, I'd like to move everything, because it's all fallen.
Because, you know, I was hyper, and I just had all this extra energy, because I had no peace. There was no serenity. There was no peace. There was just, you know, that hurtful child that didn't know what to do. You know?
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And that is the whole, you know, for me, you know, that program, you know, I could, you know, I've gone to church. I do other things outside of this, you know, but this is where I belong. These are my people. You all understand me. You understand what I'm saying. I can see some of you shaking your heads. Nobody's sleeping, you know, but this is where I learned it. I didn't learn it, you know, at home, in the alcoholic home, and I've had some good people in my life that try to raise me, you know, and my sisters and brothers, and, you know, they didn't have it either, because none of them went to a 12-step program.
A 12-step program is like the best, you know, because it gave me tools. I am a person who didn't know how to, like, live in the world, and then I was given the 12 steps, which I followed, which I can't stress enough. I followed, and then things happen, you know, and then we have those miracles, and we have those promises, and we have, you know, our camaraderie, and we have our happiness, you know, and it's not to say that some things, you know, are still not difficult, because they are, because we're all living with a bunch of alcoholics, and, or alcoholics ourself, and, you know, but I like that we have, like, something to do, you know what I mean?
Like there's a solution. I love solutions, you know, what's the solution? I always think to myself, what is the solution? What do I do with this solution? You know, how do I do it? And that's where I learned how to apply it, so if I didn't come here, and I didn't apply it, you know, I would still be flopping around, you know, and not being able to be a person who's out in the world being helpful. You know, I ask God, where do you want me?
How do you want me to be helpful? Who can I help? And when you do that, he answers, and it's super inconvenient. So I asked him that one day, and now I'm doing Meals and Wheels in Sandusky, because I asked the question, and he answered, so, you know, I've learned to answer, so I've learned to answer, though, you know, answer when he calls, hear him when he talks, and, you know, that's, you know, what this program has given me.
I really thank all of you. I hope that wasn't too short, and I didn't ramble on too much, because I had a really good lead at, like, seven, or maybe eight, so thank you all. Have a great weekend. Great, great weekend. Thank you. Have a great weekend.