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Source: Nick R – Kentucky State AFG 2023 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: nick-r-kentucky-state-afg-2023-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:40:00
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Thank you, Nicky. Good morning, everybody. I hope that at nine o'clock most of you guys will still be in your room, but you're here, so we should have a talk. My name's Nick R. I am from Orlando, Florida, and my home group is the Monday Miracles. They meet at 730, not eight o'clock. There's a story behind that every Monday night. Thank you. I wrote in August of 2009 in Passed to Recovery, I wrote in a book, you guys, which is unusual for me, but I wrote, I sit and think on these questions that I wrote in this book. A handful of days ago, I see a life controlled by fear. As of late, there's been a recognition of this fear and how it's caused me to react with the thoughts I carry. I feel I have successfully recognized the basis for much of my flawed behavior. That's pretty good. That's pretty good for a guy without a sponsor yet. So I was born at an early age in Louisville, Kentucky.
I was six children. I was the only boy. We were six only children in that house, somebody said, one of my sisters said, and we might have been eight only people in that house. My father was an active alcoholic until I was 21. I call him an alcoholic because he called himself an alcoholic. Before I ever went into the rooms of Al-Anon, he did an amend to me. Thank you, someone's telling me to speak up, so I'll do that. And we sat down to dinner each night, you know, and we went to a religious service every Sunday.
But there was a lot, he was a rager. And so, and he said he needed to, fear was the reason for his need to control and rage. And what I learned from that was, you know, I heard last night the speaker said that you could really tell what kind of day it was going to be by how the alcoholic behaved. And I could, you know, we had a TV room down in the basement and I could hear the back door close, and depending on how hard the back door closed, that's what kind of night we were going to have. And so what I learned, I wasn't taught it, but what I learned was that I learned to fear the future. The thoughts that I was going to say, the bad things that were going to happen that I thought were going to happen were going to come true. And I carried that into adulthood. And so, yeah, it all depended on what kind of day he had had. He was either very happy or he was very angry, and those, that changed very quickly. He would go from being very happy to very angry very shortly. You know, I was the only boy, and so I was the person, I was reminded, you know, you hang out with family, you get reminded of things. I was, I was, I was the person who always wanted to sit next to him at the table, the kitchen table, right? There was plenty of room to sit away from him. I was the person trying to sit next to him, get that, get that acceptance. And, you know, we would go out and toss a softball or something like that, and he would get very angry, and I would perceive that, you know, I'm not throwing the ball very well or catching it very well. And very quickly, he would get angry and it would stop. I mean, we never did 15 minutes, right? It was, it was always pretty brief, and I thought that was because of me. Now, having said that, you know, I never went to bed hungry. You know, Santa Claus always came every year. I always had a bike that worked, and so, you know, I didn't have it as bad as some. I was the, I was the clown in the family. I was also an escape artist. I would escape on the back of a bike, or I would escape, you know, hours at a time through the subdivision, or I would escape into TV. And escape is certainly something, again, that I took into adulthood. I can remember being so terrified by him as a, whatever, as a five, six-year-old, that we had a landing going down to the, down to the basement steps, and I can remember him yelling at me, and me backing into these coats, and just, just like trying to disappear into these coats, and being so scared that I peed myself. And so, that kind of abuse, as a child, I certainly was a victim, but as you'll hear, as an adult, I was no longer a victim. That was something that, I was volunteering for my own behavior, and so you're going to hear more about that. I, you know, always trying to fit in. I, I tried
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beer at 17. It didn't taste very good. I kept at it, you know. I tried, I tried marijuana at 18. Now, that was something that really worked, and I, and I, and I was a regular smoker until, for 24 years, until I started working with a sponsor in Al-Anon, and I was, again, I wanted you to like me, and so I didn't date successfully very well. There was a person, kind of, at my own level of health, and Amanda, and we were both working at McDonald's, and there was love under the Golden Arches, and so, and there was love behind the Golden Arches, too, and so, you know, I eloped with her at 19, so very young, and I was older than she was, and, and, you know, I was, started, needed to get a grown-up job working at my grandfather's plumbing company. I was a plumber's helper, and, and crawl spaces motivated me to go back to school and do calculus. There's, there's no treasure in a crawl space, I'll tell you guys that right now.
You just want to look straight ahead, because you don't want to see the eyes that are looking back at you. You just look straight ahead, and, but I was such a people pleaser, we moved, you know, when the going got tough, we moved, and so, you know, she would say, well, I think we should move, and I would say, well, I really don't want to, and she would say, well, I think we should, and I would say, well, okay, and so we would move, and, and we moved 19 times in 18 years, so we were really good at moving. We got really good at it, and it gave us something to do. We weren't good at, we were just unhealthy, you know, we weren't good at that, so at least packing, and unpacking, and finding the new store, and doing that kind of thing, it at least kept us busy. She was the person who gave me the courage to go back to school, to go to college, and so for that, I will always be grateful to my former spouse. I don't call her my ex, I don't want to demean her, I chose her, she chose me, so maybe I'm not reflecting that well on myself if I start to denigrate my former spouse. We'll just call her former spouse, and we, I was going back to school my first semester. I could probably try to perch that on this thing, but it would be bad.
My first semester going back to school, I was getting up early, we had one car, I was, I was pretty handy, so we kept that car running, but that stayed with her during the day, and we had two kids when I started going back to school, and I woke up in the morning about 6.30 going out to catch the bus, the local TARC bus, and my son Nathan had died in the night, and he had died of SIDS, so I had moved him from the bed over to here, he was fussy, gave him a bottle, went back to bed, wasn't anything unusual, and when I went to check him at 6.30 in the morning, he had died.
And, and really not recently, you know, there's a look that you don't ever see on TV, but you know, he was definitely gone, and, and you know, it's a lot like what they say, the room was really spinning, like really spinning. I started calling, there are no atheists in foxholes, and so I started calling out to a God that I rarely did call out to, and, and my former spouse at the time heard me, and she moved right through me, and in my mind, I was like, how can I get her away from this, right, how can I keep her away from this pain?
And, which I couldn't, of course, she moved right through me to get to him, a lot of screaming and crying, and certainly a tragedy, and I can remember, you know, it's early in the morning, and I can remember hearing the sirens from way off, right, way off, and I thought, boy, there's really no, there's really no hope, so there's really no reason for them to hurry. And, and, but, you know, we were able to get through that, I did develop an appreciation for life that came from that experience, still had another son, James, the oldest son, and, and shortly thereafter, went back to school, and, and life kept going.
And we moved, again, we moved around a lot, Indiana, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, I put my resume in this thing called monster.com, when it was a thing, right, it's the LinkedIn of its day, many moons ago, and, and got a call for this Mickey Mouse organization in Orlando, and got a job down there, and, and so, again, we were not healthy, you know, she and I were not healthy, and so, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, healthy and we weren't looking to get healthy. And so, we moved to Orlando, which was the biggest city we had lived in. And there
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were big city problems. And we weren't shying away from those big city problems. There were some, there were some habits that we both were using. And I just happened to be, one thing my dad always did, was he always went to work, you know. He always brought the paycheck home. And my amazing mother did things with that paycheck that I wish I could emulate as well as she did. But, again, he always went to work. So, I always went to work. So, regardless of what kind of silliness was happening the night before, I was getting up and going to work and she wasn't doing that.
And so, again, I describe our marriage as, you know, those World War II bombers that are returning and one of them's missing an engine and this one's on fire and that's missing half of that. And that was our marriage, you know. It was barely in the air, just barely. And I think, you know, Orlando, that was a big city. She was starting to hang out with some people that, again, had some pretty serious habits. And I will say, you know, I was having all this self-talk, right.
I'm not talking to anybody about it, but I'm talking to myself, which is a bad idea to just talk to myself about it. And I am worried about being perceived as less than, so I'm not telling anybody, right, about what's going on in our house. I know that's not really new. I chose the role of victim, right. It wasn't that I, you know, I was making all the money. We didn't have any money. I can add and subtract. I think I could have paid the bills, but I was choosing not to. And I also, you know, I would come home each night and I was angry now.
Growing up in a house, you know, with five sisters, I did learn to cook. I can wash my own clothes. I can do your nails. They won't look really good, but I can do them. You know, I can move around on high heels. It's been a while, but I could probably pull that off, right, because there was always a pair of high heels laying around. And so I certainly could have done all the laundry. I could have cooked the food. I could have done those things.
But what I was doing was I was expecting her to do things when she was in her addiction that she just couldn't do. And so I was coming home with those expectations, and when she didn't do those things that I knew she really wasn't going to do, then I would get angry. So now we've got three kids, and what they see is a dad that comes home angry. And my anger stemmed from my fear. We were barely getting by. You know, I'm making decent money, but the money's all gone.
You know, and you can see the socks from the kids' shoes. Like, you know how your pants get really tall, and you can start to see people's socks from their shoes, because kids don't stop growing, right? So, you know, there was visits from the truancy officer. And, you know, and you can't tell a truancy officer a joke that they think is funny at all, because if you're talking to the truancy officer, it's bad. And that's the kind of things that were going on in my house.
No recovery. But I'm choosing the role as a victim. You know, I say I'm trying to be the loving husband, quote, unquote, loving husband, and feeling like the village idiot. And so, again, you know, I'm paying dealers back. I paid over three grand back to a particular dealer. I've had people knock on my door, and I want my money, and, right, and no, I'm not going to open the door. And that was so, in total fear. I mean, our lives are barely getting by. And so she's trying to quit. You know, we're going to N.A. meetings, and I'm sitting in the front row with her, like, jabbing her in the elbow. Do you hear what's going on?
You guys, I did it all, right? And you know how that worked out? It didn't, right? She went to a couple meetings by herself and then stopped going. And then, and, okay, so this is the fourth time she's quit. It's April 1st, 2009. I should be going off to work minding my own business, but I'm not. I'm going through the pockets of her jacket. And I see this little baggie, and it's got this curious white powder in it, and I just know I know what that is.
So I don't go mind my own business like I should be. I go to the drug store, and I buy this drug test, and I know how this drug test is going to come out, right? It's going to come out positive, and when it does, I'm going to put her on a bus to Louisville, because I'm so selfish, I don't want to see her walking up and down the streets of Orlando, because I'm going to kick her out. This is my loving master plan.
And you know what? It came back negative. And that never occurred to me that it was going to come back negative. You could have knocked me over with a feather. And she said, well, I don't want to be married to you anymore. Well, I don't want to be married to you anymore.
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And that's about right. That sounds about right. And she says, and I want the kids to choose who they come and live with. And I think, well, I'm the guy with the job. So they're going to want to come and live with me. But they didn't want to come and live with a rager, right, who yelled all the time. So they chose mom. And I was home alone. And I had no identity. I didn't know who I was. I wasn't a very good parent.
But it was at least the identity that I told myself and others. And that was not the case anymore. So I was going to work, barely, and coming home. And I would grab a t-shirt, you know, because a handkerchief or a little Kleenex was no way. Was that up for the job? I would just sob at home when I got home. Every night, I would just sob, fill that t-shirt up. And that was, you know, 20-minute cry. And then I would, you know, be miserable.
And my sister said, you know, maybe you should go to Al-Anon. And I said, you know, I was so miserable, I really had the gift of desperation. And that is a true gift. I mean, you know, if you didn't have it that bad, you know, why would you spend every Tuesday night someplace, you know? But my higher power, I didn't have a very good car. You know, I was, you know, $3,600 in debt to this person and this person.
And she had taken out a short-term loan with 85% interest or something ridiculous like that, right? Signed my name to it. Another reason for me to be a victim was all of like $300 or something like that. But me being the drama king. But my higher power put a meeting I could walk to. And so the Tuesday Kissimmee night meeting, one of the oldest in Orlando. And I remember going to that meeting. And there were, again, there were six nice ladies there.
And I remember hearing one thing. And that was, it took us a long time to get this messed up. And it's going to take a long time to get fixed. And that's exactly what I needed to hear. Because it took the sense that I had to get this thing done quick, that was removed. So I heard that one thing. And I kept coming. I didn't have a sponsor, but I kept going. It was 60 minutes of relief. I wouldn't call it recovery, but I'd call it relief.
And I heard about this crazy men's meeting across town. So me and my beater of a pickup truck, you know, drove across town. And that men's meeting was so powerful that I actually couldn't go. I couldn't. It was too much. And so things were a little better. I was out of debt. And I was, you know, I had the phone stopped ringing, you know, when the phone rings. But it's for you. But it's not a phone call you want to have.
I had a lot of those phone calls. But little by slowly, you know, I was able to do some math and able to go. I can remember you guys going the first time I went to the store for myself. I went to the store by myself all the time. And the cart was barely big enough, right? Three kids, you know, teenager, two teenagers, and an 11-year-old boy, girl, boy, and us. The cart was barely big enough for the week's worth of food.
Now I'm going by myself. And I'm just filling up the little tiny low corner of this cart. And I was terrified. I don't know what I was quite terrified of, but I know I was. And, you know, paid for food. I would go home. I would go to a meeting. Then I kind of got fine. You know, I started getting fine. Stopped going to meetings very well. Really wasn't going. And my higher power, again, gave me the gift of desperation.
I was, I was, I really got fired from my job. I got moved from this place in my job to a much easier place. You know, from here to here, for sure, in my job. So I really got fired from my job. I got kicked out of a bar, basically, for being, they were done with me. I was such an emotional vampire. You know how bad you have to be to get kicked out of a bar. Some of you do. Some of us may know how that is, right, if you're a dual member.
And then I was dating this woman who was such an alcoholic. I'm going to run up to the 7-Eleven. I'm going to go get some chicken wings. And she calls me 10 minutes later. It might have been 11 minutes later. And she is so drunk, she can barely talk on the phone. I don't know where I am. And she just drops the phone, doesn't hang up the phone, just stops talking. And I'm like, OK, I need to, maybe I need to go back to Al-Anon.
So, because, you know, things were working out fine for me, not going. So I really started going, went back to this men's meeting, and got a sponsor. You know, I was watching you guys work the steps. And to me, it was like a decathlon. You know, somebody was working step one, and somebody was on number five, and different events were going on. But I was watching you guys from the bleachers,
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and you were down on the field, you know, and you were working it. People would come back, and you'd hear the meeting before the meeting, where people were talking about, oh, they met with their sponsor, and all that darn step five. Oh, god, I hate it. And I thought, well, you would think less of me, really. You know, you would think less of me, if I couldn't do that. I wasn't going to be able to do that.
But it was really bad enough, I asked a guy to be my sponsor, and he said no. And so, yeah. He said, no, I actually haven't worked the steps, so I don't sponsor guys. And so, I asked another guy to be my sponsor, and he said no. He was too busy, but I think you're really a people pleaser, and this, this, this. And he really nailed me right down to the thing, when I was like, oh, my gosh. You know, there was way too much honesty out of this guy.
I was glad he, but, so again, the guy I had asked first, he said, you know, I don't sponsor guys, but the guy sitting next to you works a strong program, and you might ask him. So I asked Richard to be my sponsor, and I didn't know I was Richard's first sponsee. Didn't matter. Didn't matter, right? He answered the phone every time I called. He was a fantastic sponsor. And we started working the steps, and he gave me his time, and most importantly, he gave me his perspective.
And his perspective wasn't my perspective, because my BS works on me, but it didn't work on him. Now, his BS worked on him, and he was really transparent about saying that. And the thing he did, the first thing he did to get comfortable with us sharing is he told me his story. And it was spicy, you guys. He was like, well, I thought I should make a porn, and then I thought I, you know, and I accidentally killed a guy.
And you're like, what? He apparently opened a car door and caught a bike messenger and sent him into traffic and killed this person. Now, you hear that from your sponsor, and it's like, let me tell you my story, right? It was nothing like his. But what he did do was he was able to hear my truth, and he didn't freak out, and he was able to give me his perspective. And he had some great tips and tricks, which I tell my sponsors.
You know, he said, well, do you really want conscious contact with your higher power? And so he said, well, which side do you put your wallet on? Which side of your back pocket do you put your wallet on? And I told him, and he said, well, put it on the other side. And when you sit down, you'll be reminded of your higher power every time you sit down. So my conscious contact with my higher power has arisen up through me.
And while I do open my heart, I love the theme, conscious contact with my higher power absolutely requires that I open my heart. So I love your all's theme, because that's absolutely true. And reminding of my higher power was something that, again, another nice little easy thing that my sponsor told me. And so we're going to a little chicken, rice, and beans restaurant every week before the Friday night men's meeting.
And we're working the steps, and we're doing this thing. And on my own, in my path to recovery, I had written the answers out for steps one and two, and sort of two and a half. And I said, oh, I did steps one and two. He's like, no, no, we're going to start over. Those are great, but you're going to start over. And so we did. And it took a long time on step one. I certainly had some unmanageability.
That was pretty easy. It was easy to see that in my life. And so let's see. I'm fine. So I'm not fine. I've got my notes here. So June 29 of 2010, I'm standing at gate 125 in the Orlando airport. And I still really don't like that gate to this day. I am so resentful, you guys, that I'm really not calling my kids. I resent the fact that they didn't choose me. And I really am not calling them. I don't know how to be a long distance dad.
That's what I'm telling myself. And I'm not really learning how. And so I am not engaged in their lives. And so June 29, 2010, I get a phone call. I'm actually, you know, I've got a month off work. And I've got a suit in my bag. And I'm already standing in group A for Southwest. I'm already standing up. And again, I've got a month off work. And my phone rings. And it's my former spouse. And she says, I'm going to meet the ambulance at their house
[00:25:03]
because my daughter Jenna is not breathing. And you know, I'm standing up. And she calls me back just less than 10 minutes later. And she says that Jenna has died. And she had died of bulimia, so lack of potassium. She was not eating, so lack of potassium. Potassium keeps your muscles contracting. And her heart stopped. And so again, you know, the jetway is really spinning. And I can tell you that at least my higher power, you know, I had time off work.
I was already at the airport. I already had a flight to Louisville. I already had somebody picking me up. And I sat down in row number two. And row number one were two little old ladies. And they just talked the whole time. And I listened to what they had to say for the whole flight, and they never stopped talking. So I had a little gift that I just would listen to what they were saying, you know, until I got where I was going.
And we had a memorial service while I was there. And my father at the time made a nice poem. It mentioned butterflies. Butterflies are brief, and we enjoy them. And they come into our lives, and they add color, and they leave, and that was a beautiful sentiment. And so when I see butterflies today, I'm reminded of my daughter, which is a beautiful thing. But I do feel like I was, I had my part to play in her death.
And so I choose to have a living amends to her. And so I am an Al-Anon member involved in Al-Ateen service, and I've been the chair of the 2018 Al-Ateen Convention down in Orlando. We had a great time. I only fell in the water one time. And we had a great time down there. But that is a living amend that I need to make. And there's a particular chalk drawing that she made, again, that does not show a healthy person in this chalk drawing.
And it was over 10 years before I could turn that picture around and look at it. But because of you guys and this fellowship, I can at least, I can see that picture today and love it in a way that I couldn't when that pain was so real. So I am, you know, I get back, we go ahead and get a divorce. You know, so we're separated. We're divorced at this time. If you have an uncontested divorce, you can get divorced for $165.
I did that. Work it out online. Don't let the lawyers take all your money. Just work it out between the two of you. We had to email back and forth. We couldn't talk to each other. So we went ahead and emailed each other back and forth. And, but all I'm doing, I'm listening to CDs. I'm going to multiple meetings a week. I'm complaining to my sponsor. You know, all I do is go to meetings. And he's laughing at me.
Well, at least you're staying out of trouble. And he was right. You know, we're working the steps. And I had talked to him about, you know, I dated this woman and it really didn't go well. And then I dated this other woman and it really didn't go well. And then I dated this unhealthy woman and it really didn't go well. And he said, you know, maybe you should stop dating for a while. And I'm like, oh, that's okay.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I should stop doing that. So I was not dating. And I was, and comfortable telling people that I wasn't dating. I really needed to learn what did I like to do. What things did I like? And I bought a used kayak. And I bought a used mountain bike. And I was, you know, I was just learning the things that I like to do. And that was invaluable, just to spend that time getting to know me, getting comfortable with me.
You know, my higher power, the prankster, is, it was like six months. And I'm like, man, I'm really comfortable being by myself. Well, then my higher power put somebody into my life. And so, you know, we have been together since more than nine years, I think. Approach nine years. So it's been wonderful to be together. I am, you know, I'm not smoking. I'm not drinking. I'm being productive at work. I'm going to meetings.
I'm sponsoring guys. And I'm able to repair the relationship with my oldest son. And I'm not the youngest son, but oldest son, you know, I'm listening to, I call my sponsor. And he says, maybe you should try giving him what you want in a relationship, which was love and acceptance. That's what I chose to give him. Stopped telling him what to do. You know, and we were able to rebuild his, we were able to rebuild a relationship, James and I.
And he was even able to open up and say, you know, dad, I really got some demons. I really got some old demons. That's a quote. And I said, well, son, I,
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know because of the house I grew up in I needed better tools I grew up with the tools I had it's like a Harbor Freight toolbox it's only got one you know one flathead screwdriver and a rusty hammer and that's not a very good set of tools so I went to go get better tools I actually didn't mention Al-Anon but you know you could go do that he was married and had you know and had a and had his own daughter and my granddaughter and maybe you should go get some more tools and so but I wasn't out to tell him what to do I didn't need to tell him what to do I'm not as higher power I'm just I'm working on me I don't need to tell him what to do and and and so you know January 1st 2016 he he took a pistol and took his own life unfortunately and and that was you know he couldn't live life on life's terms and and while there certainly is you know remorse over that over that tragedy I do call that a tragedy not everywhere on earth does does burying children you know is that a tragedy but I'm grateful to live in a country where we do call that a tragedy and and in a time in this country when we when we can call that a tragedy and but there wasn't the same kind of feelings with my daughter because again I had been there I had repaired that relationship I had let go of that resentment instead of carrying that you know that hot rock of resentment you know I pick up those resentments and I get to carry that hot rock and I just carry it around now it's burning my hand but I'm still carrying it and it really is a choice whether I let that go or not and and so I'm flying back in town and I'm gonna go view him you know and I'm driving down 64 to like to Frankfurt or Georgetown Georgetown and and I'm not keeping it together you know I can't keep it together but another member at a Friday night men's meeting named Carrie had the same experience and I'm grateful that he was able to share his experience of his son committing suicide you know that's how we help each other and I was able to reach out to him and he was able to share his experience strength and hope and share with me you know if you go there and you expect nothing then anything you receive is a blessing and anything you receive is a plus you might take your higher power along but if you can at least go and expect nothing and so that's what I did and I was able to be there for him I was able to be there view him certainly really did look handsome and and and to help other members of the family and and try to be of service so can I be of service and can I expect nothing and and you know my sponsor is is is he's over he was he's a real black and white guy you know he says well I he says he and and I picked this up and I absolutely believe it I am a hundred percent responsible for my actions and my attitude hundred percent now feelings happen right make me laugh make me cry you know I eat a good steak there's the bliss point of a fantastic steak and chocolate is amazing that's that's my feelings and I want to feel those feelings but my attitude I am 100% responsible for my attitude and my actions and so what that means is that I'm not waiting for you to make me feel better anymore like I used to I wouldn't tell you what I needed but I would be sending you ESPN right to try and get you to give me what I thought I needed and and and I don't do that if I'm a hundred percent responsible and there's times I get down I get negative I get scared really you know my my bottom line fear is abandonment and working with my sponsor we had a lot of conversations to get me down to my bottom line fear is abandonment I believe that we are a unique arrangement of some common problems you and I are not identical but we are I will say if we've got problems my problems and your problems are probably pretty similar and that means that there are common solutions and I and I believe that Alan that Alan on has some common solutions to our common problems and so I tell my sponsors and myself that that what is you know what is my problem and and I have a solution for that and the one that gets me 99% of the time is conscious contact with my higher power it does mean I have to open my heart right I have to I close it up out of fear that's a that's a that's my that's my home programming right and that's what I grew up on when I was a victim when I truly was a victim that was how I survived and the behaviors
[00:35:02]
that I used as a child to survive they just don't serve me today as an adult and so I need to let those go and the way you overwrite an old tape is you get a new message and you gotta keep going and do the new message and and so I keep you know conscious contact with my higher power I I'm a huge fan of service service gets me out of my little shrubbery you know I get in my little garden and I'm looking out at you guys and and then I go do service and I get out of my little plot and I go experience life in a different way there's a little bit of work and a whole lot of laughter and and a reasonable amount of commitment and I'm committing to not you know I'm not gonna watch Grey's Anatomy you know I'm gonna miss us season three I'm gonna miss that because I'm gonna go be of service and that that really is you know the priceless gift of serenity is not free doesn't say it's free just says it's priceless and so I got to put in the effort and so I wear out shoes and I go suit up and show up and I you know you go be overnight watch on a bunch of teens walking through the mosquito infested Florida campgrounds you're earning some serenity I will say that and and so you know my living amends was I was sponsoring an allotine meeting every week if you haven't been inside an allotine meeting they're not an Al-Anon meeting there's a my first meeting like they come in after soccer practice and somebody's got fries and they got soccer cleats on and they're running around and jumping on the couch and somebody's throwing french fries to their brother and somebody else opens their mouth like a baby bird and so the french fries are flying across the meeting it hasn't even started yet they land behind the couch the fries and somebody dives behind the couch to get this french fry and I'm like this is not an Al-Anon meeting this is not an Al-Anon this is out I'm here to learn I'm just here to learn and and and that's been you know to to have a to have a teen come in and have his father just die and to and you know I'm you know he says well I'm starting to smoke pot I'm hanging out with people that he's even willing to share that with me in the room is a gift and after about six months you know he's not the newcomer anymore right he's the long timer and and he's telling the next newcomers well when I started allotine you know I was using and I didn't know how to share my feelings and now today I don't need to I don't need to use and I talk it out and that's a 17 year old and so you know I got to suit up and show up and drive 30 miles one way and that's the priceless gift of service is I get to hear somebody I had my part to play I got to make a space for teens you know sometimes they use grown-up words you know and that's totally a green light okay alcoholism is a deadly disease and sometimes you know it's crap and we need to say that and they and I want to make a safe space for them to tell their truth and it doesn't mean that they're going to offend my you know my pristine ears can't handle that that message and so I you know that's the space that I that I like to make Cove it has happened we're not meeting right now so I applaud the alatines for suiting up and showing up today and and coming back in you know I will say last couple things I grew up in a house where my higher power was was at least a distant observer not a vengeful God just a distant observer and you know thanks to this program my sponsor my wallet you know my higher power is is a buddy and my higher powers plan for me is better than my plan for me and and and that keeps working you know I'm I'm you know I'm having the I'm having the I'm telling my story before the story last night and I'm laying it awake you know and and I'm like and I switch soon as I invite my higher power in with me today it I get to be instead of being fearful of talking I get to be excited to share some of the things I've learned and and so I'll just say you know today well while there's dear some while there's still some fear it's a bit like you know come on fear old companion we're going to go this way and so fear doesn't dominate my behavior it it's you know I've got some I've got some long-learned behavior it's going to take me a long time to get fixed but it's certainly been my pleasure to share with you guys today thank you