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Source: Missy M. & Kim R – OAR 2023 Celebrating Our Birthrights Pt II – Date Unknown.mp3 File: missy-m-and-kim-r-oar-2023-celebrating-our-birthrights-pt-ii-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:38:35
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I'll wait for everybody to kind of settle in. Welcome back everyone, and we want to get on with our next two topic speakers. The first one will be Missy M., and she will be speaking on dignity. Thank you. Good morning. My name is Missy M., and my home group is Westlake Gratitude. Eight o'clock Thursday night, come visit us. Sweet Maggie, thank you, thank you. Thank you to the committee for asking me to speak today.
Very humble. This weekend means so much to me. On the way here I was sharing with somebody about my first OAR weekend in 1998. And I was three months in the program, and it was at Atwood Lake, and it was before cell phones, and I left my husband at home for one of the first times ever, and he was actively drinking, and I spent a lot of time and a lot of money tethered to that pay phone, calling Cleveland, making sure he was okay.
And anyway, I've just come a long way, and I stood outside the circle that weekend. And I'm just being authentically myself right now, and Ray and Carolee and Everett, I'm very hungry. And I didn't have time to halt here. But I'm going to say a couple of things. I'm very hungry, and I didn't have time to halt here. We went for breakfast after I went to Reiki and meditation and Thank You Candy, and Gail was so beautiful, so beautiful, and reminded me of the power within ourselves.
Went and crashed breakfast with Everett, Carolee, and Ray, and ordered some breakfast, and an hour later it still hadn't come. So we had to hustle here. Yeah, but I'll get something to eat here soon. So I was born September 17th, 1969, and I feel I was born to speak about the birthright of dignity. I think we all come in this world, we're on a level. Like even playing ground. We're all coming to this world, and our higher power defines that we are enough and we are worthy, and we're all in the same place.
And then as the years roll on or your circumstances, that either is maybe reinforced to you, or maybe it's taken away from you. And so for me, I grew up, and I was taught that I am worthy of love, and of being loved, and of being successful, and of being happy. And I was raised that I'm capable of doing anything. I was raised that I'm capable of doing anything, whatever that might be, and that I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in.
And I realized and took with me the importance of family, the importance of close friendships, the importance of honesty,
[00:05:01]
and to be able to stand in your truth. You know, and be who your higher power intended you to be. And so my parents set me out in the world. Back in 1987, I left the house, and about 11 years later, I came back here, came here for the first time, on my knees, with not one ounce of dignity, or who I was, or what I believed in, or what was important to me. I didn't believe I was worthy of love or success.
Everything that was so important to me. I became a liar. My family, I missed so much because I isolated from them, and this was all, I say alcoholism robbed me of all this. All this. I handed it right over. And so my journey through Al-Anon in the last 25 years is reclaiming that, you know? And my mom used to say, you know, Missy, put your shoulders back, hold your head up high, and with the grace and dignity of the beautiful woman you are, go get them, you know?
And so I always hear my mom's voice saying that, that I could do anything. But this whole crime, this robbery of my dignity and who I was, it happened very slowly, very, very privately. Secretly, the negative self-talk, the, you know, I suck, you know, family's the most important thing to me, and I don't want to be around them because I don't want them to see what's going on. To look in the mirror and realizing the behavior that I was putting up with and what this person who was sick was telling me.
And me, in my mind, all alone, saying, okay, I know that's not true. I know that's not true. But struggling to believe it, and over years, it just, it takes a toll. And when you're isolated and all this is going on and you have no, you know, okay, I'm going to get it together, this is ridiculous. I have never been a crier. And since menopause and all of that, I'm just like so, oh, my God. But, I mean, so many beautiful things are happening this weekend as it goes on.
Like last night after the lease's beautiful, beautiful lead, I go out to the, I can't find my car in the parking lot. I'm walking aimlessly and my new friends from Lake County, after a struggle helped me find my car and, you know, and, oh, and Ray and Carolee and Everett prayed for me after we didn't eat breakfast. And Maggie just told me to be authentically me and if I cry, that's all right. But, okay, so I'm done crying.
But one of the books, I think it's Courage to Change, one of the readers says about how alcoholism has been a bittersweet legacy, bitter for all the pain, suffering, tears. It has caused me but without it, I would have never searched for and found a better way to live. And, you know, when I arrived, you told me one thing. Hi, Karen. I love you. I love you. Ridiculous, okay. If I willingly surrender myself to the spiritual discipline of these 12 steps and work the simple program, my life will be transformed.
[00:10:04]
And you told me with dignity, I will stand for myself, however not against others. And for my whole life, I believed it was between me and you and others. I got lost. I thought it was about what you would think of me so I had to hide things or about appearing to be more successful or about being happy if I'm not. It was always this game about pretending to be something I'm not and not being authentically myself because I didn't feel I was worthy.
I lost that sense of who I was, what I like. I always tell a story about how it dates, but when I first got into Al-Anon, my sponsor at the time told me, you know, have a missy night. Go out and just do something. Go get some takeout. Get exactly what you want. Back then, you would rent a movie at like a Blockbuster. And I remember ordering a pizza and my entire life, well, most of my life, I had spent ordering pizzas the way everybody else likes them and then modifying my pizza, pulling everything off to eat it the way I wanted with just cheese.
And I guess it's a metaphor for how I lived my life. It was like I'm constantly making sure you got what you wanted and then I would, you know, be, you know, I would deal with it. Let's see. So in preparation, and many of you might smile, of speaking of dignity, this is a tough one. You know, I wish I got joy, Kim. But I've been asking so many people what dignity means to them. And it's a tough word.
And it means a different thing to so many people. And then, of course, like if you Google what dignity is, it's kind of like Googling a sign. Like if you Google what dignity is, it's kind of like Googling a symptom when you're sick. Like it can lead you down a rabbit hole of, you know. But it created a lot of good conversations. The Bible actually states that human dignity originates from God and is of God because we are made in God's own image and likeness.
And I like that. And that's kind of how I reference, you know, when we're all born. So anyway, just like, you know, that movie how Stella got her groove back. So Missy finally got her groove back. And it wasn't easy. But I think to me dignity is such an inside job. It's not, it's like what do I feel I'm worthy of? You know, am I worthy of success? Why is it so hard for me to accept a compliment, you know?
When good things happen or people do good things or invite me places. Cat. Okay. Okay. But I revert to that behavior that was learned in the throes of surviving. You know, alcoholism. And I wish I could revert to what I was born with and what my parents, you know. But hey, it is what it is. And for me, you know, it's like daily maintenance of reading books of my beautiful Al-Anon tribe. And going to meetings.
That's what I need to do in order to think, to restore my dignity. And I mean it sucks because I had it, you know, and we were talking at breakfast. It's like, I don't know when you. Talking at breakfast, it's like, I don't know, when you leave something outside and
[00:15:02]
the weather tarnishes and discolors it, you still have the object, but it needs to be restored. And so you need to spend time restoring that. And that's kind of like, I guess, how I look at this with, you know, my birthright as dignity of feeling my worth in the world and that I am deserving of good things happening. I'm deserving of being successful. And I'm deserving of the love of people in this program and my higher power. I am. And I can stand in my truth, what's important to me, you know, and I don't have to look around and make sure that's important to you. It can just be all about me. Like, this is how I want to live my life in a way I want to help others, you know, or I want to be honest, or whatever it is. That's about, it's all about me and has nothing to do with you. And if I keep the focus on what I want and my belief and my higher power, I got it made. I got it made.
There's not much more, you know, it's like my moral code, my moral compass. It's like what I know. Thank God, by the grace of God, you know, when I'm doing my 10th step and something didn't feel right during the day, I get that tug. Oh, I get that tug. I don't just push it down. You know, I make my amends. And I was just at a meeting the other night and we're talking about the 10th step and I've gotten it wrong for so many years because it's about continuing to take personal inventory. It means recognizing what you're doing right too, not just what you did wrong in making amends. I miss that whole part.
Let's see here. I would say the single most important thing that Al-Anon has gifted to me without any conditions is my tribe, my people, my friends, that love me when I don't love myself and remind me of my worth and remind me, you know, my shoulders back, head up high and remind me that, you know, I'm worthy of good things, you know. Let's see here. So, you know, we're all on the same team. I really can truly say with every ounce of my being, I want everybody to have good things and to get these wonderful benefits of the program and there's not any problem too big that the 12 steps can't fix.
And I'm grateful, so grateful for the simple program that saved my life. And like I said before, it's like imperative that I continue this maintenance in order to protect my dignity and in order to remember that I am worthy of these things. So today, my truth is about being true to myself, you know, changing behaviors that no longer serve me, being grateful, being grateful. I'm going to close now with one of my favorite things that helps me bring my world in perspective and it's a poem by Mother Teresa and I'm sure many of you heard of it before and it's written in her little hut in Calcutta and I have it on a plaque in my house. But it reminds me basically of the simplicity of what my life is all about and it's called, Anyway. And it says, people are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway. What to spend years building, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. But do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
[00:20:04]
Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see in the final analysis is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway. Thank you for listening. Very good. Very good, Missy. Okay, our next speaker is Kim and she's talking on joy. Good. Hi, everybody. My name is Kim and I'm a grateful veteran. I've been in the military and I'm a member of Al-Anon. I'd like to thank everybody that's been up here, Lisa last night, Kelly, Rita, Missy. I mean, I've heard it said so many times that what comes from the heart reaches the heart and I don't know about anybody else in this room, but anybody who's been up here so far has reached my heart and I just love it. I'm so glad I'm here. Not happy to be up here, thank you, Jeff. You know, I get this text asking me to speak on joy and he said that he was the first person I thought of when the topic came up and I thought, boy, there's something wrong with that man. You know, and so much of this, not that I don't think I'm a happy person or friendly or anything like that, but joy to me, I guess words matter, definitions matter to me and joy after the last three weeks has an incredibly different meaning than it did when I got that text.
But, you know, joy for me was on a Christmas card. It was some religious thing that had to do with, I don't even know. I couldn't define joy. I had no idea what it meant, but I didn't see me as joy because I don't, I saw joy as like this rambunctious, bubbly, flowery person and that is not me. At least I don't think it's me. Other people have had other comments that I don't understand, but so anyways, you know, I've been taught that if somebody asks me to do something, I should say yes because there's probably a reason I need to do it, so apparently I needed to hear about my own joy.
But, you know, I always start, especially when it's something that I really don't understand, you know, what is the definition, you know? So of course, you know, I'm online. Thank God for the internet these days. So what is joy? Joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. I have joy. The emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune, or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. I have great joy today.
The expression or exhibition of such emotion, the state of happiness or felicity, and a source or cause of delight. I can say I have joy today, you know? I can say that when I crawled into the rooms of Al-Anon, I used to say drug because I had a friend of mine that just really for about five years encouraged me to come to these rooms. And, you know, when I got here, I had the opposite of joy. I had hatred. I had anger.
I had, I can't even, I'm sure you know. But, you know, when I got here, I did not have joy. I couldn't define an emotion. I couldn't tell you anything about how I felt other than anger. I hated everybody, everything, and I didn't understand why. I came in here after 17 years of being in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was still that angry and that hateful at that time. I was blaming everybody for where I was, and I was struggling with the fact that I could not change my alcoholic.
I could not make things different, and I did not realize my own insanity in that effort that I was making. And what I found by coming here was that I didn't understand the word acceptance. You know, I always thought the word acceptance was condoning, you know? And it took me a long time to grasp that subject, and once I grasped that, I understood that there were choices. And I didn't know that I could make different choices.
You know, I was one of those people that if I made a decision, I had to stick to it, I had to lay in my bed, I had to make it work and just beat myself up until I made everything the way I thought it should be. And thank God Lenny got me here. Thank God that God gave me enough courage to walk through these rooms, or these doors into these rooms.
[00:25:08]
So I'm a firm believer that God puts people in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I heard that once a long time ago, and I believe that today with every interaction that I have with people. When I got here, I knew I was in the right place, but I did not like how joyful you all were. You know, I didn't understand it. You guys talk different. You were nice. You were kind. And, you know, like you, Lisa, I wanted the instructions.
I wanted the manual. I wanted to be told what to do. I got my sponsor, and I said, what do I have to read? How many pages? How many times do I have to call you? How many meetings do I have to go to? Because that's what I understood, and that's what I wanted. I wanted structure. I wanted instruction. Because, number one, I didn't do anything on my own. I still, at that point, really didn't know how to make decisions on my own.
I still counted on everybody else to make sure, you know, I would check, you know, what should I do, because you know better than me. You know, I still didn't have that confidence. I still remember the one time, Marie, I was complaining that my sponsor wasn't giving me instructions and dates and times and things like that, and she basically said, I'll do that for you. And I'm like, oh, thank God. I love when people are so kind.
And, you know, so we went, you know, back and forth a couple times, and she said, here's your instruction. When you're ready, you'll do it. And, you know, it's always the answer I got from people, you know, and it's the truth. When I'm ready, I'll do it. When the pain gets great enough, I'll make the change, right? But anyways, I started learning a different way here. So I had to make my notes on my iPad because I'm not prepared enough to print something ahead of time.
So anyway, okay, so I, like you, Missy, was asking other people, what is joy to you? What does that mean? And I had dinner with one of my sponsors, and she said, probably the most profound thing I've heard is joy is on the inside. You know, and I think that's the common core of these birthrights is that, you know, courage, what do we talk about? Courage, dignity, truth, and joy, they're all an inside job.
And she said joy is on the inside. Joy comes from the inside, and happiness comes on the outside. So, you know, I have to be literal if I'm given a topic, so birthright. Is joy really a birthright? Like, how does that work? And I remember a line from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says that deep down in every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God. And I'm telling you what, a long time ago I never understood that line.
I didn't believe it because for so long God was religion, not spirit. And I can call my higher power God today, so that's been a very long conversion for me. But I do believe today that deep down in every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God. I also read that joy is a complex and deeply personal emotion. It is not a fleeting moment of happiness, but rather a profound sense for well-being, contentment, and inner fulfillment that transcends temporary circumstances.
Joy is a fundamental aspect of the human experience that every individual deserves, regardless of the challenges they may face. When I think birthright and I think joy, I think child. I think childlike. And I kept coming back to that. The child just bubbles. You blow bubbles for the first time that a child sees it, and they're in awe. They can't believe it. And just that inner joy of watching them float and how they fall down.
That, again, an inside job, but it's also a fundamental idea of God to me today. Joy is inherent. These are some other things that I found in my study of this topic. These are not from me. Let's clarify. Joy is inherent to human nature. It's not an external reward or something that needs to be earned. that Needs to be Earned, It is an Intrinsic Part of Being, Human, Just as we are Born with the Capacity to Feel Love, Sadness, and Anger, we are also Born with the Capacity to Experience
[00:30:04]
Joy. I can't experience Joy if I don't have Pain. I wouldn't know what Joy was without Pain. But these are all things that we fundamentally have the right to experience. Joy is independent of external factors. While external circumstances can certainly influence our emotions, Joy is a state of being that can be cultivated from within, even in the face of adversity. It's one of those things that I'm okay today.
Joy to me right now is just that sense of everything is going to be okay no matter what happens on the outside. With all the chaos that's happening, that I'm going to be okay. Joy is closely tied to a sense of well-being and encompasses feelings of inner peace, contentment, and a deep satisfaction with life as it is, rather than as we wish it to be. I spent so much time trying to make everything what I should be that I always missed what was happening in front of me.
I could never accept where I was at this moment and actually feel the Joy of the moment or my circumstances because I was always wishing everything was something different. I love this one. Joy is a freedom from control. Recognizing Joy is a birthright means acknowledging that we don't need to control or change anyone else's behavior to experience it. It frees us from the burden of trying to fix others and allows us to focus on our own personal growth and happiness.
Joy is embracing imperfection. Joy doesn't require a perfect life. In fact, it often thrives on imperfection. It's about finding beauty in the midst of chaos, serenity in the face of uncertainty, and gratitude for the simple moments of life. Joy is self-compassion. To claim our birthright of joy, we must practice self-compassion. This means being kind and forgiving toward ourselves, recognizing that we are worthy of happiness, and letting go of self-criticism and guilt.
I can tell you that all these things that I've read so far are things that I've experienced in Al-Anon and principles that I've had taught to me from other people. Joy is recovering and healing. While it's natural to experience pain and suffering in life, recovery and healing are possible for everyone, including those affected by a loved one's drinking. Joy can be a powerful motivator and reward on the journey of recovery.
Once I get a glimpse of joy, I want more. How did I get that? That moment of laughter, that moment that I come in here, I'm so angry, and there's a moment where I actually laughed, where it actually wasn't a fake laugh, where I felt it. That is recovering and healing to me, and that is now joy. I have a new word. Joy is resilience. By embracing joy as a birthright, we become more resilient in the face of life's challenges.
We learn to bounce back from adversity and find joy in the process of overcoming obstacles. Joy is a shared experience. Joy is meant to be shared with others. When we experience joy, it can uplift those around us and inspire hope in others who may be struggling. I've heard it said that a smile is contagious, anger is contagious, hate is contagious. If I surround myself by people who are negative, I will become negative because I do not have the power to change them.
Now can I influence them and maybe rub off some happiness if that's where I'm at? That's very possible, but it's also if I'm not in a very good space, that other side is going to rub off on me way quicker than the joy is going to overtake my life. What I've found and what has been made clear to me in my study of this topic in the last couple weeks is that, like Allison told me, joy is from the inside, but that joy only comes from my relationship with my higher power.
It is an inside job. This does not happen overnight. I did not walk into the rooms of Al-Anon and flip a switch and everything was great. Everything is still not all rainbows and butterflies like I thought it would be. Life still happens, and what I found today is that I have people in my life that I can talk to. I can reason things out. I don't have to gossip, and I have a better life today.
[00:35:02]
There is also a line in the big book that states, it's just one simple part of a longer paragraph, but God could and would if he were sought, and for the longest time, I thought I had to find God to be able to experience any of the joy or serenity or peace that anybody else in these rooms talked about, but what I found was it's in the seeking that I find, and it's when I'm not looking that it hits me in the face every single time.
For me, joy is seeking, not founding. Joy is a byproduct of living a life, working the 12 steps of Al-Anon with my sponsor, talking things out, reasoning things out with one another. When my heart is open, joy enters. My heart is only open when I'm in contact with my higher power, because if I'm not in contact with my higher power, my committee is in charge, and my committee is strong. Mine's crazier.
Everything always comes back to, why is it always about me? Because it is. And I hate that, too. I always have to work on me, but you know what? If I want happiness, if I want joy, if I want peace, I got to work, because I have found that nobody outside of me has the power to do these things for me, so if I want it, I guess I got to do it, and I got to stop complaining. You know, I have this friend of mine, his name is Tom, and Tom used to annoy the heck out of me, because every time I'd see Tom, I'd be like, Tom, how are you, and it would always come out before I remembered that I hated asking him that.
But the only reason, but now I love it, okay, but I didn't like it, because every single time I saw Tom, and I said, how are you, he said, oh, I never had it so good. And I'm like, that is the most BS answer I've ever heard, you know? And after coming around for a long time, you know what? I have never had it so good. I never have. Even with all the chaos and everything that happens, and life happens and work happens and family happens and pain happens, but I still have never had it so good.
And if you don't see that, just wait, you will. I didn't think I'd ever see that, I thought that was the stupidest comment I ever heard, now I'm talking about it in front of a room of Al-Anon, you know? I never had it so good, you know? So thank you, Jeff, for asking me and helping me see the joy in my own life, even though on a golf course it is effing joy. That's a rough course, that's just, you know.
But you know, I think my Christmas cards that are going out to everybody this year will just say joy, I think that's it. But I mean, seriously, thank you to everybody here, thank you, like Lisa, that you said last night, everybody who stayed, thank you. Because who would have been here when I was this miserable and come in here? I wouldn't be where I was at today without the people that came before me.
And I gotta stay and make sure that I'm here for those people and help them get through, so thank you all.