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Source: Mary T. (Pearl) – 12 Step Study Part 3 1998 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mary-t-pearl-12-step-study-part-3-1998-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:11:36
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Now, they know how we are because, you know, it's just really hard to come out with the whole truth about something. And the purpose of the inventory is to see the truth. It's not just to look at the good and bad of you, but what is the truth of you? What is the truth about you? In other words, you know, what is the deal going on with you here? Why are you the way you are? Okay. Now, to show you how confused I was, I didn't know the difference between good and bad.
Now, I knew the difference between right and wrong, but I didn't know the difference between good and bad. You see, there are a lot of character traits that I had that I thought were my best character traits. It turned out they were my biggest defects. See, I never knew it was wrong. You know, it's just like revenge. Now, I want to tell you a little story. When I was doing my inventory, I wrote this down and I said, Daddy and I love to go fishing and everything.
And I just love going with Daddy. Daddy, I mean, he gave me attention. He let me know I was loved. I mean, he would listen to me for hours on end, asking questions, and he would give answers. Man had patience a job, you know. But we went fishing this time, and Mama decided to ruin it, and she came with us. And, well, Mama was a wet blanket. Whenever you were having a good time, Mother came in and she just ruined it for you.
Mama could not have a good time. And if Mama ain't having fun, ain't nobody going to have any fun. That was sort of the rule the way it was. And so whenever we'd get to having too much fun, Mother would have to say something that would just dampen the deal, you know. I'm sure you've been around people like that. And so anyway, I'm out there and I'm fishing, and I caught me a little fish about yea long, and my mother rips it up and looks at it, and she says, It's not long enough.
It's below the limit. You can't take that one. It's against the law to take that one. Now, I'm five years old. I'm five years old. You can't have your fish. Well, I got a newsflash. My philosophy of fishing then and now is if it's got eyes and a tail, string it. But not Mama. She ripped it off my hook and threw it back in. Well, I'm just watching my fish go back in. I mean, I tell you, I went to a screaming coma right there in the boat now.
She threw my fish back in. You know, Daddy said, Honey, come back to the back end of the boat with me. See, Daddy's going to fix it. So I got close to him. He said, And we'll get her. Now, I didn't know what it meant, but intuitively I knew I was going to like it. So what he did was he just began babysitting then. And so every time Mama would catch a fish, she'd swing around, he'd take it off, he'd rebait her hook, and she'd swing back around and start fishing.
Daddy was just back there playing with me. And as soon as she'd turn back around, he'd hand me the fish, and I'd throw it over. Every fish the old heifer caught, I threw back that day. She was not thrilled about that. But I loved it. I just loved that feeling. God, it was so good. See, whenever anybody does anything that hurts you, you just do it back to them as many times as you can. Now, that's what I learned that day in the boat, in that little incident.
Now, Daddy was playing a joke on Mama, you know. But the bottom line, as a little kid, that's not what I perceived. And see, that's the thing. You're growing up, you're a kid, and you're making all these evaluations, and you're coming to conclusions that may not have anything to do with reality, and you don't even know how to tell somebody that's what you just learned, you know. And so when I was doing my four-step inventory, I wrote that down as one of my most pleasant childhood memories.
And revenge was a way of life. I loved it. I mean, thinking about it, planning it. Oh, my God, you know, I mean, it's wonderful. It's just wonderful. And I had seen it all my life in her family. I saw one alcoholic do something to the other alcoholic, and then they retaliate and back and forth. And it's just, they're brilliant. They're just brilliant in the way they do things, you know. My aunt lived next door to my uncle.
And my uncle was a bachelor and my aunt was a widow. And they both were practicing. And it was so funny because he lost his driver's license permanently over a series of incidents. But he had this wonderful carport. And she bought a new car, and she didn't have a carport, so she wanted to know if she could park her car in his carport. Now, that would seemingly work out well. It might if you were talking about normal folk.
But he said only if she would take him where he wanted to go when he wanted to go. In other words, she would become his taxi and he could have the garage there. And that was fine for a while. And then one day he wanted to go and she didn't want to go, and so he evicted her from the carport. Now, she decided she wasn't going to move from the carport.
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And so he gave her a written eviction notice and everything.
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And she didn't move her car, so he shot it. Now, don't you love that? Who would think of going in and getting a shotgun and shooting a new car? I mean, that is so good. I didn't like her either. She's like my mother, you know, it's her sister. But I really like my uncle. I always seemed to like the guys better than I did the women, you know. And I think that's because Daddy made everything okay. And I always looked for the man to be the fixer and to help make everything okay.
But anyway, so then she got even with him. And when he went to the hospital, she ransacked his house. And so that made him mad. So after he got back home, he burned a room off of hers. And they just did stuff like that. And, you know, I'm not a well person. I'm not a well person because, I mean, this is going on my whole life. I've been in Al-Nan for years and years and years. And the war was still going on.
I'm watching them go back and forth. And like I say, it's just amazing to me. And there's such an excitement, thrill with that. And then my uncle died. And my aunt was laughing about she had gotten the last blow. And that just didn't seem quite right to me. And so when I'm out there at the cemetery, we're walking around the cemetery before the funeral, and my mother and my sister were coming. I mean my mother and her sister were coming in the family car.
And so Dorothy and I, my sister, were just out there on our own walking around. Now my aunt had one of her husbands, one of her many husbands. She had this when he died, a mammoth stone. With, you know, the big family name and his name born, died, her name born, boink. And for years she'd go out there and she'd freak out when she'd see her name on the tombstone. So she had them take it off the grave.
You know, she'd get out there drinking and it would just paralyze her with fear. She had them take it off. And he had this little three by five card on prongs out there for a long time, you know. And then I noticed that day when we were there for Uncle Ernie's funeral that the stone was back. And I told Dorothy, I said, I wonder when that happened. I said, can you believe it? She's put the stone up.
And as I'm walking I'm thinking about, you know, poor Ernie, you know, she's going around, she got the last blow. And I'm thinking, this is just not right, this is just not right. And so I turned to my sister and I said, you've got a felt tip pen on you. And she said, well I do. And I said, okay. She said, what are you going to do? And I filled in her date. Now, that's about 15 years of program, you know.
I'm filling in dates at the cemetery. So see that, you know, I just said, Ernie, this is for you, you know. That revenge thing. But it was sort of funny too. But on this inventory, looking at myself, I had to go back and there were certain things I had to look about. I had an affair or so after I was married the first time. And I justified and rationalized this to the point where I didn't know where the truth was.
And so as I would write it down, I was told to go ahead and write it down. And when I got through, if I looked at it and it didn't look right, just put an X across it and then write it below it. But don't obliterate it because you've got to find out where the process is. And so I had several pages and I would write and write and write. And I would use my justification and rationalization. And then finally, I got down to the bottom line.
I did it because I wanted to. You know, but it took me a long time to get down there. You know, the excitement, first of all, you know, is that if he had been a better husband, I wouldn't have had to do that. You know, now it's his fault, you know. And, you know, if he were home more and I weren't alone so much, there's the next line. And then, you know, my life was so boring, I need a little excitement.
Now, I can tell you, if there's one thing in my life that I don't have a shortage of, that is excitement. Because if I don't have it, I create it. So see, that doesn't have anything. And there was nothing more exciting than the process of thinking about someone else. You know, the little plan. And when I got down to the truth of the matter, I'd been planning that deal for six months, you know. And then when the deal happened and it was just so, it was everything I ever thought it would be.
And then more, it was just wonderful. And it went on that way for about a year. And then one day reality hit. Boy, that is a bummer. And when reality hit, you know, and we had this conversation, this real honest conversation. And I am real grateful now to that guy because he called a spade a spade. And I made the observation to him that, you know, I knew he loved me even though he didn't say he loved me.
Because, you see, you can justify anything in the name of love. And he said, well, I don't love you. That broke my heart. That broke my heart when he said that.
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And I said, what do you mean you don't love me? And he said, we've been having a lot of fun. We've been having great sex. But I'm going to go home and marry this girl that I've been going with. And I'm going to… And he said, besides, you're married. Oh. Now, I guess I thought he was going to sweep me away and make that OK because, see, you know, if I did that deal, then it'd be OK. And so when I was writing that down, I didn't really like taking a look at that.
I didn't like to take a look at that. It wasn't anything I could be proud of. And I had to accept the fact that I was a full participant. I was not a victim in that. And I pursued him. I had, you know, I had to look at the truth of that. And then I had distorted ideas about money. You know, my mother was a miser because, you know, her work ethic is you've got to work and you've got to do and you've got to get money.
And if you've got enough, then you're OK. And Daddy, on the other hand, had the money. He didn't care. It wasn't a big deal to him. We only, you know, money is only good for what you can use it on. What the heck, you know. And so the thing of it is I got caught in between all that and my ideas and attitudes. And so I liked the way Daddy did. So I did that. The only difference was Daddy had the money.
I had plastic. You know, I never knew my daddy to ever charge anything. He always paid cash for everything. I don't even think I don't ever remember Daddy and Mama ever having a checking account. You know, they paid for everything cash. They didn't. They put it in the bank in the safe deposit box. They would not put it in invested. They would just put the cash in the bank because when the banks closed in the Depression, they lost thousands of dollars.
So they didn't trust the banks anymore. So they just put the cash in the safety deposit box for years and years and years. And the why thing. See, now, I'm a why person. You know, it's like if you can ask why and you get information, that information means understanding, you know. And so I had to look at that. And I said, why was I such a why? I've had this idea all my life that knowledge was everything.
You know, everyone in the family had this big education. And so, therefore, why was everything? And I can remember as a child sitting there, you know, with Daddy and say, Daddy, why this? And Daddy would tell you why that. And, you know, I drove him to a distraction. And I know he did because, you see, we had gone fishing one more time. We were down there at the lake. And Daddy was carrying the motor to the back end of the boat.
And I asked him a question. I said, Daddy, why so and so? And Daddy stopped holding the motor. A little tin horse Johnson. He's holding the motor. And he explains to me why. And then he steps over the seat to go to the back end of the boat. And, of course, one answer always means another question. And, you know, it's like, well, if so and so, well, then why this? You know, and so I ask him the next why question.
And he stood there and he answered me. And so then he turned and he went toward the back end of the boat. And I said, Daddy, why so and so? And he stepped right out the back end of the boat. Now, and when he came up, I said, Daddy, why did you do that? And kind, wonderful Daddy told me to shut up and go get in the car. The fishing was over for that day. You know, it's just like I had. And somebody would laughingly say, well, you know, what did he had to drink?
Let's see. I never saw my daddy ever take a drink in his life. You know, my daddy was not a drinking man. But he was just preoccupied with my insatiate questioning, you know. And that's the thing, you know, with J.D., when I want to know why, I can go from room to room right behind him just like an attachment, you know, just care. He can walk outside. I can go right out in the yard, you know. I can just carry on this deal.
No matter if he get in the truck, we can go down the truck and we drive. And I'm still there, you know, I'm still questioning, you know. And J.D. told me, he said, you ought to be a cop. He should know. He should know. But, you know, the things that you do or you don't do are not as important as how you feel about yourself after you've done them. There's the deal. You know, the things that you could have, should have, and how you feel about you when you didn't take an opportunity to do what you could have and should have.
And then there's those things that you did that you shouldn't have, you know. And you can look back and it's not the things that you did so much as how you beat you for it and what you do to you. Now, those character defects and shortcomings are the things that separate you from your higher power and they separate you from your fellow man. Those defects and things, those are the things that put people away from you.
Those are those wedges that we drive. And they're also those wedges that separate you from your higher power because they block the sunlight of the Spirit. Those are those negative things that will block the sunlight of the Spirit. And we shut ourself off from that when we get high bunking those. And I had all this anger and this rage and this hate inside of me. And they were killing me. That kind of stuff will kill you.
You know, I used to get tickled. I'd go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and they would talk about resentments and I would think, you bunch of weenies. You're just a bunch of weenies. I don't know what a resentment is, but I know how to hate. Resentment seems to be a good word. Resentment seemed like such a little, sissy word to me, you know, I mean really, you know,
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then I had all these fears, now I didn't know I was a fearful person, I really didn't, now I knew I was scared sometimes, but I didn't realize the nature of the fear, I was afraid of everything, I had so many unnatural fears, you know, there's a reason to be afraid a lot of times, you know, you don't go stand out in the middle of the freeway, why, you'll get run over, that's a natural fear, you know, now it's unnatural to be afraid of all these other things, like being embarrassed, not knowing the answer if somebody's going to call on you, what if you make a mistake reading something, you know, there's, you know, all those unnatural fears, who doesn't, who doesn't, you know, but when you make it, it's the end of the world, I had that fear of being abandoned that came in there, I had fears of spiders, you know, I wasn't afraid of snakes, I like snakes, but spiders, you know, I'd be willing to bet you there's more people in this room that are afraid of spiders than there are a lot of other things, they just look bad, and also I went back and I got to looking about that, why was I so afraid of those spiders, you know, I had to do an inventory about that one time, and when I had been with daddy fishing one night, and we had gone frog digging, and the next morning, I wouldn't have recognized my daddy, his face was so swollen, and he had gotten bit by a black-footed spider while we were out there on the right, and he had to go to the hospital, and he was in the hospital for several weeks, and he nearly died from a black-footed spider bite, and it made a hole in his face where that spider bit him, and see, my first instinct always was, it's going to eat my face, that's the first thought I'd have when I'd see a spider, see, now we know why that is, but that didn't stop it, you know, that's one of those you understand, but it doesn't help.
I had done cover and discover and discard things that were killing me, you know, I discounted myself, I wouldn't stand up for myself in instances where I should and where I shouldn't, I did, I had a girlfriend that lived down the road from us, where I lived, there were eleven boys and two girls, me and this other girl, and so we were best buddies just by the nature of the fact, and of course we were all buddies, you know, it was like we were tomboys because you had to beat or survive, and so I had a bicycle, and Shirley didn't have a bicycle, and she came down to my house, and she'd want to ride my bicycle, I didn't have any problem with Shirley riding my bicycle, but Shirley just couldn't get off the bicycle, and so when it would come my turn to ride, Shirley would say, I want to ride another time, and I'd say, well, it's my turn, and she'd say, well, if I can't ride, I'll go home. Now, see, there's the emotional blackmail, because, see, I'm lonely, I'm a lonely child, and I'm there by myself all the time on that big, big place, and I want to have somebody to play with, so, you know, I would do whatever she'd want to do, but I resented her, and I resented me for letting her do that. You see, I let her do that to me, I could have just said, no, that's not right, or that's not fair, but instead I'd give in, and so the whole time she was down at my house, she was riding the bicycle, she didn't have one, and I got even with her, I got even with her for a lifetime, because it's like, I bought for you, I paid for you, you are mine, you know, that was my attitude, and when you write these things down in black and white, you can't justify and rationalize nearly so well, you know, because you see it there, and as you're writing it, you know it's a lie, you know it's a lie, so you can see the patterns, you can begin to see the patterns and the truth about yourself, you see those different positives and the negatives, but this step begins your action in the program, you know, the other stuff is pretty much mental propositions, but now this is where you begin to take some action, and it's an identifying step, and it's going to tell me about the nature of my fears, the self-centeredness, you know, J.D.'s alcoholism, I had to write about that, how I felt about that, I hated his alcoholism, and I hated him for having it, okay, you know, and I hated it not because it was killing him, not because it was doing anything to him, I just didn't like the way it affected me, you know, because when he would go out and get drunk and go around with other women, I didn't like that, you know, if he could drink and not go with other women, that might have been better, you know, you know, I wasn't afraid that he would die unless how that would affect me, and so then I would get to thinking when he would be out there, now I worked in the insurance industry, so what I would do is whenever I'd get particularly mad at him or he looked like he was in a bad state, I'd go out and buy more insurance, and because it was cheap, I got the agent's discount off, you know, so therefore, you know, I could get, and they got to where the underwriter wouldn't write any more insurance, he became
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afraid for J.D., he said this man's worth a lot more dead than he is alive, and you know, that's one of the requirements when you're in insurance, you have to have an insurable interest, and they will not let you just keep buying insurance for the sake of buying insurance just because you have the money to pay the premium, you know, because it does, it gets to be the point where they do wonder about it, you know, when this man, you know, has got over a half a million dollars worth of insurance, you know, and he's not making ten thousand dollars a year, you know, they're going, what in the hell is she doing over there, you know, and I'd say, he's getting sick, we need to get more insurance, you know.
Now I had a fear of storms from, this was a learned fear as a child, whenever my mother would say it's coming up a cloud, and people in the south understand that, boy, you have to go into a world out in the west or north to explain that one, but when she'd say it's coming up a cloud, we have to go, and go to where? The storm cellar. Now we call them fraidy holes at home, and, fraidy hole, you go get in that hole because you're afraid, that's it, go get in the fraidy hole, well, where I live, we have, we live not that far from the Arkansas River, so we have a real high water table, so the water always seeped in, so you went down in this damp, smelly, spider infested place that was down in the ground, and it's like just, you know, it's like a coffin, you know, that's how I felt about it, and we'd have to go during the middle of the night, you know, just jump up and run out there, and you'd get wet, and it was horrible, and so I said, I can't do that deal, and I hated the storm cellar as much as I hated the storm.
Now, the thing about that is, you know, I, the main thing, I was afraid that the storm was going to kill me, that was the idea I had, the storm was going to kill me, and then if I died, I knew I was going to hell, I knew that, there was not a question in my mind because of my behavior, because of the religious training I'd had, and the things I had done were definite get you into the lake of fire stuff, so, that was a fear.
I had a fear of ridicule, I always hated making a fool of myself in front of people, you know, it's alright, just like, tell me, when you fall, no matter how bad you hurt yourself, what is your first thought? Who saw that? You know, you're laying there, broken and shreds, and it's like, God, I hope nobody saw that. I might have felt funny when I went. You know, you know, when, I used to love to bowl, and I was a good bowler, and here I was in high school, and there was a group of us went to a new bowling alley, well, a new bowling alley, the lanes are real slick, you know, and so I made this little faux pas, and I stepped over the foul line, just enough to just up in and just bang my ass down on that thing to the point that the ball just moved right over, I mean, and everybody laughed.
I never went bowling again, last time I went bowling, you know, I couldn't have people, if you laughed with me, but I couldn't have you laugh at me. You know, I would be the class clown, and I would do things to make people laugh, because that was how I got my attention, but the bottom line is, don't laugh at me when I'm not trying to make you laugh at me, because if you do, then I feel less than, and I couldn't, I couldn't handle it, so I didn't go anymore.
I always had this fear of not measuring up, you know, I had a fear of rejection, and the thing about that is, I may not even like you, but I want you to like me. You go out of the way to impress people you don't give a damn about, you know what I mean, that is so stupid, and that's one of the things I hated seeing too, I had been stupid, and that was one of those things that you didn't want to be at all costs, you didn't want to be stupid.
I had a fear of heights, you know, I was the kind of person that when you go up to an edge of something, I mean, it didn't have to be, you know, we're talking like a, you know, just maybe a little more than a curb, but you know what I mean, you can be standing on a chair, and you can't get down off of the chair, because you're afraid you're going to fall, and you're up there just giving it this, you know, and I can remember that I wanted to see the Grand Canyon, and so J.D. and I went to the Grand Canyon, and it's like I am, I crawl up, and I look in, and I go, yeah, yeah, I mean, I crawl like a damn snake, you know, up to the edge, and look in, you know, and I'm going, I don't believe this, and then you have to back up, and it's like, there were kids, and I can remember, I don't know how I did it yesterday, but back then there was this big tall railing with nothing in underneath it, and these kids are swinging on this railing, and I'm going, oh my God, because every time I'd get up there, I'd feel like I was pitching forward, and I would begin to get this real sick feeling in my stomach, and I would tingle all over, because that would scare me so, and I couldn't enjoy it, you know, and it was a horrible thing to be, and it wasn't just there, I mean, I got up in my attic one time when I was in Newfoundland, stayed there two days, I couldn't come back down, do I have to tell you there's not a
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bathroom in an attic, they send up a can, I couldn't get down, I couldn't get down, I was afraid, once I got up, I couldn't go down, I was afraid of the dentist, I went to the dentist when I was nine years old, and they hurt me, and I just could never go back again, and I had to look at all these things, see, now those are a lot of unnatural fears, not, you know, people normally don't have all that, but it was like, it was so stupid that I was living like that, but now, when you begin to do that fourth step, that's my first tangible evidence that I am willing to do something different, because I never had sat down and looked at all of that, you know, and if you don't, then you're just saying I'm afraid to go on, and fear is the greatest stumbling block to recovery, that fear that will hold you back, that will block you from going on, and then my dishonesty, oh, I hated to look at that, you know, because now, coming from a military family, and then marrying into the military, what is the main thing military people do, they scrounge stuff, which is the military word for thief, you know, scrounging means you're going to take something that doesn't belong to you, that's what scrounging is about, you know, and it was a way of life, I mean, when I was in Newfoundland, you know, I'd go down to the fab shop there on the base, and the N2IC was one of my neighbors, and I'd go down there, and I had kitchen curtains made out of orange parachute silk, and it was there, I had a black market on the flight line there for a while, I was bootlegging watermelons, just little things, you know, that you would do, and then they had a rule that you couldn't take the booze that you'd buy in the package store off the base, you couldn't transport it on the Queens Highway, they didn't even want you to do that, and so what would I do, you know, every once in a while they'd have check at the front gate, you know, they'd pull you over, and you'd go, oh my God, you know, what'd you got, well, you got two sacks of liquor sitting in the car seat with you, so the guy says, we need to inspect, I said, fine, I picked up my sacks of liquor, I got out of the car, and he looked in the car, there's nothing there, I put my sacks of liquor back down, their police were not mental giants either, you know, but see, that's that act like you know what you're doing stuff, you know, you just go ahead and you do the deal, and so here I am, I come back into civilian life now, you know, and I'm scrounging at the job, you know, what are the pens and the papers and stuff at work, I mean, they're to take home if you need them, you know, and you know, I just started amassing this little stuff at home, and when the IBM typewriter came home, J.D. says, are you really supposed to bring that home, and I said, well, I mean, it's just electric too, we're going into the next phase, and he just looked at me, you know, and it's like, it's bad when they start, when the dishonest one really starts questioning you, you know, it's really bad, and you know, the paper cutter, and you know, I had a full office at home before, it didn't take me but a matter of a few years to have an entire office at home, I could function, I'd say, well, I justified, well, they're always asking me to work overtime, and see, I can do it at home just as well as I can do it there, because I have everything I need there, I should have, it was my whole damn office, you know, I'd get a new office, and I'd redo everything, and I'd have all this new stuff, and what do you do with the old stuff, you take it home, and then I had AA on Thursdays, now, AA on Thursdays was a real fun time, it was called attitude adjustment, and this was where I'd take everybody in my office on Thursday afternoon over to the Camelot Hotel for happy hour, and this is where you buy the two-for-one drinks, they used to do that, it's against the law now, they don't do that at home anymore, but I would take everybody in my department and put it on my expense account, because I took the agents out, and I would entertain, and do these things, and so this was my way of buttering these people up that I'd yelled and screamed at all week long to get them to come back and work another week for me, you know, I'd take them over there, get them soused, and charge it to the company, and this was not an authorized expense, do I have to tell you all that, so I'd have to put down some agent's name or whatever, in other words, you lie, and you just fill it out, and people say, well, everybody cheats on their expense accounts, it's sort of expected, it is not, it is not, and those were going to be things that were not going to be fun when that eighth and ninth step came around, you know, and see, that's another thing, you don't ever want to put it on four and five if you've seen eight and nine, you know, oh, that's hard on you, and I was always trying to be something I wasn't, I was trying to be something that I wanted to be, but something that I wasn't, and my best illustration I can give you of this is, I was in charge of putting on an anniversary celebration for one of our agents, and we had a new country club in town, and so I thought, well, I'd try that out.
Being an Alcoholic, Dr. Bill Sears, Dr. Bill Sears, Dr. Bill Sears, Dr. Bill Sears, Dr.
[00:30:54]
And then I decided I'd go to Murrel Normans at the mall, gonna go to Murrel Normans and get all the makeup so that you, you know you'll look, I mean you know I'm going Glamour here, we're talking, this is before Glamour shots, you know you go there in fifteen minutes now and get it done, but this was a production number. And so I go over there and this is when the girl at Murrel Normans said you really need some long eyelashes.
And I said really and so they put em on your finger and they don't, you can't feel em, they are so light, they put em on your eye lid and they weigh fifty pounds an eye. I've never seen anything quite like that, you know, they're just so heavy on your eyes, you can't believe this stuff, so you're just sort of at half mass. And the ones that she got were these real long ones, they were called spiders and I should have known from that.
Not to do spiders, but anyway, it was one of those if you blink you flog yourself to death things. And so off to the party we go, now I gave J.D. his marching orders before we left, he was not to get drunk, he was not to show his ass, you know, we can't have that, this is not going to happen tonight, I don't want to be humiliated, do you understand? Because it was one of those things that I always felt like I had to take him, I don't know why I couldn't leave him at home and then beyond having to worry about that, but I had to bring the problem with me. Have it over there, you know.
So anyway, we're sitting there and all of a sudden, you know, I happened to glance across the room and I went, I don't believe this. Could you believe that? There is a woman on the other side of the room who has a dress on identical to mine. Now, this can't be happening. Ladies, you know what we're talking here, this can't be happening. And then my mind says, but how could it be happening? Because I designed my dress, my mother made my dress, how in the hell did she get my dress? You know, I'm looking over there and I'm remarking to the people at the table with me about the woman over there, they're looking and they're laughing and they're saying, isn't that funny? And I'm just, not funny to me and all during the night, I can't take my eyes off of her, she's just, she's driving me crazy is what it is and I want to know how she got the dress. You know, I just got to figure out how she got the dress. And so finally I turned to this one girl seated at our table and I said, let me tell you one thing, it looks a hell of a lot better on me than it does on her.
And she just died laughing. And so anyway, as the course of the evening, I decided I couldn't handle it any longer. I got up to go over and talk to her. And as I went to talk to her, she came to meet me. You see, that was a mirrored wall. What would the hair do in that? I didn't recognize me. I didn't look like me at the point. And when I recognized that, I just walked right on out, got in the car and went home. How do you go back? Everybody at the office, I mean, it was the laughing stock of the office. And before it was, I was humiliated because of what he did. And there was no way to get around this one. There was no way to get around that one, you know, that mirror at the country club, you know, and then I was so afraid of appearing dingy. I just can't stand dingy. Now I sponsor a girl who is Lucille Ball dingy, and it's great on her. You know, you just accept it.
That's the way she is. And that's some of the qualities of her that endears her to you. But to me, dingy meant I might look stupid. I don't want, I may be stupid, but I don't want to look stupid. And so, uh, I'm driving around in my station wagon and I pull into the service station and I go in to pay for my gas. And the guy says, would you explain something to me? And I said, if I can, and he said, what are those boots doing on the top of your car? And sure enough, on my luggage rack, there's a pair of tall boots on the
[00:35:09]
top of the car. Now my mind says, Oh my God, those are JD's boots. Those cost a couple hundred dollars up there. Now what JD would do when he would come in from work, he would take his boots off before he comes in the house. He's very considered about our carpet and he would leave them sitting out there off to the side on the front porch. The only thing that is the, not this one, but another neighbor's cat would come over and spray those boots occasionally. And so JD decided he would put them on the roof of the car like the cat won't get up there, you know? And I had gone out that morning on a mission and I'd gotten the car driven off, gone all over town. I had been everywhere that day. Now what kept them from falling off, flying off or whatever, I don't know. But when, when this guy saw, instead of saying, thank you, my God, I can't believe I was driving around. I didn't want to appear stupid. So I said, I'm airing them out. God forbid you should appear stupid.
Open your mouth and remove all doubt. Now I've taken lots of inventories over the year and it's easier when I get into my funk now to know what the problem is. You see, I'm aware of what my defects are and what their side effects and how they work in my life. And that, and that helps. You know, I know that when my peace and serenity are disturbed, it's not what's wrong with everything else. It's whenever I'm disturbed, what's wrong with me? Go back and look to you because you're the only one that can, can determine those things. And the first place I go and look is my God connection. You know, where am I God connection? If it's not okay with God, it's not going to be okay anywhere else. That's the thing. You've got to go back. And this is a real useful tool. Now I've got all this stuff and I've got it all written down. And that puts me at step five, admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Now we admit to God for forgiveness and you admit to yourself for awareness and understanding and you admit to another person for humility. And see, this is an ego deflation step. They're all that way because you see, we're trying to get away from the bondage of self here. And why do you have to tell someone else? I mean, I've got it all down. I'm looking at it here on a piece of paper. Why? If I didn't have to tell it someone else, it wouldn't take me very long to justify and rationalize it all one more time and not do anything about it.
I wouldn't, you know, I'd say, you know, if he hadn't have done this, I wouldn't have had to do that. So much of my life I justified and explained away what I had done, no matter how bizarre. You see, if JD hadn't left the boots on the car, I wouldn't have had to make an ass of myself. You know, I mean, you could do it that way. It's just real simple, not a big deal to it. Now, when I finished it though, and I looked at it, I hear it was all this stuff from all the past brought up to the surface. And it's sort of like, you know, uh, opening the can of garbage and here it is. It's all up at the top now. And it's, it's real painful. It's real. I have a lot of guilt. I have a lot of shame and I've got all these feelings. My God, how will I ever get over these feelings? And it's like, what are you going to do with it? Well, when you open the lid on the garbage can, the best thing is to dump the garbage. And that's what this is about. It's getting rid of this stuff.
And so I, uh, I didn't know what to do with the feelings, all these feelings that I had. And so my, I called my sponsor's house and, uh, I had forgotten and she was out of town on vacation with her husband. She was going to be gone several weeks. And I'm going, I can't live with this. I can't, I mean, I couldn't sleep at night. I'd wake up in a cold sweat thinking about some of this stuff that I had pushed away and justified and rationalized so many times. And so there was this, the, the girl that I had gone over to her house where her husband was laying in the doorway and she'd been in the program about 16, 17 years. And I said, would you do my fifth step with me? I said, my sponsor's out of town.
And she says, don't you want to wait? I said, I don't think I can wait. I don't think I can wait. And that was a big choice, a chance for me because you see, this girl was a very, what I considered a very pure, um, a very religious woman. And I felt so much less than when I was around her, I felt more less than. And, uh, but anyway, I said, uh, your name just keeps. And she said, well, let's pray about it for a day or two. And so we did.
And I called her back and I said, I really want to get rid of this stuff. And so she said, come over to her house. And I did. And you know, that's quite a gift that someone gives you of time and to, to go over there and to do this, to go and to share this with someone. That's quite a gift. They give you to listen to you. And the first thing we did
[00:40:04]
when I went in there, she, uh, we got on our knees and we prayed that God would reveal to me what I needed to know and that there wasn't anything that I was going to say that day that God was going to quit loving me for. And I've, I thought, well, that's real good. I don't know for sure that God loves me so much, but you know, that was the way she started the deal. And then I began to talk to her and I began to share this garbage of my past with her. And, uh, and I've expected her to go, Oh my God. You know, with some of the things that I had done and she didn't, she just sat there and then she'd look at me and she'd say, you know, I just, I know exactly how you feel. And then she would share something back with me. And when she started sharing back, then that gave me permission to be even more honest about the thought, because, you know, sometimes you haven't got every little thing written down. And so then here you go and you're, and you're telling it though.
And so when we got to, she said, you know, you haven't done anything that I haven't done or thought about doing. And I said, you mean you really thought about doing some of this? She said, Oh yeah. And she said, and you know, and then my belief system, she said the way I was raised to think about it, you might as well have done it. And so she didn't feel any less guilty for not having done it because she had thought about it. See, it's just where you come from. And I told her, I said, man, it never occurred to me. And she said, Oh yeah. And so as we talked, it was like, God, I shed tears that day and I shared feelings and things came up that I never dreamed I would feel. And then, uh, and it took all day. And later that evening when we got through, uh, we got on our knees again and she asked me to ask God to forgive me for those things. And so we did that and she held me and I was crying. And, and, uh, she said, now she said, uh, you have a clean page of life to write on now. You know, she said, you don't have to go back and you don't have to, you know, this is the past. That's the wreckage of the past. And you don't have to go back and hurt over those things anymore unless you choose to. You have a choice now.
And see, I never knew before that I had a choice. She said, you don't have to go. You've done what you're supposed to do. You've admitted it to God yourself and someone else. And now you're going to proceed on and we'll take care of all of this. But she said right now, she said, you're clean. And so when I left there, I, you know, it's like, I was just like walking in the air. I felt so clean. I felt so whole on the inside because someone knew the whole truth about me and still said she loved me and she held me and I could tell she was sincere. And then when my sponsor got back, I, uh, I told her about the things that were in there and we, we did serve another mini fifth step at that time just so she would have the same information. And I felt so clean. It's just like you'd had a little scrub brush on the inside and I felt clean. And then I was driving down the road one day and I thought about, Oh, something I didn't tell. And so I, I mean, I, I mean, I went into a panic because see, you know, I didn't want to ruin this thing. You want to do it right. You know?
So I mean, I went zipping off to the side of the road, got on a pay phone call and I was telling her and she said, honey, that's just more of the same kind of thing. The exact nature of the wrong was this right here that you talk just because you did it 500 times or 501, you know, still the same nature of the wrong. Oh, I thought I'd screwed up. I thought I had messed up because I'd forgot something. And you know, over the years as I have done fourth and fifth steps with people as they read them to me, sometimes things have come back to you that you didn't remember before. So it's an ongoing thing. It's an ongoing thing. Those things, it's like when you've had stuff compressed for a long time and it comes up, sometimes that relieves the pressure on something down there that can then come up. You'll get what you're supposed to get when you're supposed to get it. You know, and it's like if God had let me see me that day as I totally was, I might not could have taken that. So you, God will show you what you need to see as you can see it.
And you know, all my life I wanted to be like a kid playing jacks. You know, when I was playing jacks as a small child and you throw a bad hand, you holler overs. That's what you want to do. And that's what I wanted to do time and time again in my life. I wanted to start over and you do it with a new man, a new location, a new job. You know, you start over, you know, start over. And in a short period of time, where are you? Cause there you are. Cause you know, wherever you go, there you are. You know, you, you can't do anything better than what you got to work with, you know? And no matter how much I wanted to start over, but see, now here was a chance to start over. Here was a chance to start over. I, you know, those other cures didn't work, but this time it was different because I had a set of instructions in front of me that if I would do these things, my life would be different.
I would do these things, my life would be different and it would be a new start for me. So that's real important. And I sat down and then I started waiting for perfection to strike.
[00:45:02]
Well, you know, when you've worked so long and hard on that four step and then you've done that fifth step, you're tired. You're emotionally wrung out, you know. Now what's amazing to me is in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it'll tell you to go home after you do your fifth step. It says to go back home, reflect for an hour, think on what you've just said and done. Did you tell the whole deal?
Was it everything you needed to say? You know, do that kind of deal. I didn't do that. And then it tells you that if you have done all this stuff, you know, it's telling you we're going to, we're building a bridge on which we're going to walk across as free people. That's what this fourth and fifth step is about, is building that bridge. And it says, and then you will go right on into the sixth step, just like that, you know.
And it makes a lot of sense, but I didn't do it. And that's just like a lot of this stuff. It's some of these we balked, we thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. So anyway, I sat down and I started resting. Now, what I got, the biggest gift I got in the fifth step was the Curse of Al-Anon. That's awareness. You know, used to when you could do stuff and you didn't know what you were doing.
It's all gone now. You have awareness about this. You're going, oh God, I lied. I heard it. I heard it. It was a lie. And you have to name it and claim it now. You know, it's not like, oh, well, that was just, you know, you just can't do that again, you know, or you're going along here and you, oh God, I stole something. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe it. You know, it's like, you know, when you go home and you still have your pen in your hand when you walk in the house, it's like, you know, there's the living proof, you know, you don't just stop those things because you have the awareness.
Awareness is a step. I mean, you have to have awareness. You got to uncover it to discover it, but to do anything further, there you are. And so I began to get, you will practice your defects now with glee that you have never known before. And with it is the constant awareness of what you're doing. And that is so uncomfortable. It is so uncomfortable. Now relief doesn't come from confessing the sins of others, too.
I tried that one, you know, but look what they did. Look what they did. You know, it doesn't make any difference what they did. Look what you did. And you know, it really irritated me to realize that all through my life, I had not taken any actions. I had done reactions. Somebody else did an action and then I reacted to it. I wasn't, you know, it's like somebody else was always in charge of my life.
I really hated that one. And it's important to tell, when you're doing this fifth step, to tell one person everything. Now you can tell bits and pieces to this one and bits and pieces to that one and bits and pieces to this one. And God forbid everybody get together because we might know what you're about, you know, but you real careful who you share these little bits and pieces with and you're, you know, it's like I can tell her that, but can't tell her that because if I did, then she wouldn't think good.
So then we go and we go the next one and you don't do that. You have to tell one person the whole story, one person, the whole truth. And also when we got through that day, we sat down and she said, we're going to write down a bunch of these people that you've been telling me about today. And I said, what are we doing? And she said, well, this is going to be the beginning of your eight step list. We just don't want you to forget it when that time comes.
And she also had me, she took and we made a list of all my positives, all of my assets, and then all of the liabilities, the defects and shortcomings. She said, you're going to need to know these, just write these lists down, you know, and I still have them to today. And you know, they, they, they don't change too much. The ability to do that stuff is always there. You know, you'll quit doing this one here and then all of a sudden you're doing this one over here.
You know, it's just like you're never going to reach perfection no matter what you do, but you need to know because those are the, those are the keys to you. That tells you all about you, what you're capable of in those things. When we got through, we, we burned that four step because we had the information that we needed. And she, I was telling her, you know, should I go home and tell any of this to my husband?
She said, I wouldn't. And she said, you don't dump on your family, your garbage. She said, you don't do it because there were things in there that he had no need to know. You know, you don't have to hurt people. Those kinds of things. Now, I've known people that take a fifth step with ministers and they take them with their shrink or whatever. For me, I'm glad I took it with someone in the program because they knew what we were doing, why we were doing it, and they had experience to share back with you.
I don't think for me, it would have been as effective just telling to someone who wasn't
[00:50:02]
giving me some feedback along the way, because I need to know that I wasn't bad. And I don't think if you don't get the feedback, if you're just telling somebody and they're not sharing anything of themselves, you're not going to feel that relief from that standpoint. And like I said, I felt closer to God than I had ever felt closer to God before, because I didn't feel all that shame and all that guilt.
The past isn't always going to be there. You know, your past, you can't get away from your past. That's part of you. But the pain that I felt about those things and those secrets that I carried, you see, they're not a big deal. Those secrets, you know, the secret was out and life went on. And you know, today there's nothing that I had or did or done or have done that I would hesitate a moment to share with somebody if it would help you.
It's no big deal anymore because of the pain. I can't change what happened, but I don't have to feel guilt or shame about it because, you know, the person who did those things is not the person who stands before you today. You know, this is on the way to being reborn. You know, you can't undo those things and life goes on. And you know, I've had situations that happened over my life with people. And I think, you know, I knew them when they were when we were growing up and they're not the same person they were.
You know, that's just like the person I was 20 years ago when I came in the program is not the person I am today. If I am the exact same person I was today, something's wrong. Something's wrong. Because as you stay in and as you work the steps over and over and over, you evolve and you get more and more and more out of the problem and you change. You change. You don't always have to do the things that you used to do.
You have choices now and you can do those different. But like I said, I just sat there on my butt. I didn't go forth. I didn't do better. I just rested and I got real miserable, real miserable. Step six, we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. And like I say, that resting didn't do any good. Resting was just procrastination. That's all it was. It was procrastination because, you know, there was so little written about the steps, you know.
So little written about step six and so little written about step seven. How could they be so simple? You know, I always complicate things. I don't know how to do a little deal. You know, I can make a production number out of brushing my teeth. I don't know about y'all, but I can do that. And see, when I'm in my trying to complicate it, I didn't do anything. And it's like, I didn't tell anybody. I don't know what to do here.
Because I mean, when you've only got a paragraph or two to read, you know, it's like, can't you figure it out? No. No, I can't. You know, and the book says, you know, is your work solid? Are the stones properly in place? I'm going, what are they talking about? Where are they talking? Have we skimped? You know, it's just telling you to be sure and be honest and be thorough. You know, now you've got to be willing to, as this step says, have God remove the defects of character.
And somehow or another, I thought we had to remove the defects of character. And I didn't have a clue how to. If you could have removed a defect of character, you would have done it a long time ago. You would have done it yourself if you knew how, but you don't know how. And that's because we don't have the ability to do that. God changes you. You can't change you. It doesn't work that way. So and if I don't make changes, I'm going to go back and do what I've always done.
And that's what I had been doing for those months that I procrastinated. I was doing what I'd always done, only doing it now with the curse of total awareness of it. And that makes you a lot more miserable when you know it. Because you see, that's my best thinking. My best thinking got me here. We've identified why I think the way I think, but it doesn't change the way I think. Knowing why doesn't change anything.
It's called self-awareness or self-knowledge avails you nothing. And so that was it. I sit there. And so I had to have more willingness. Now, how do you develop willingness? I don't know how you do it, but I do it through pain. Pain is my best motivator. And I hate it. You know, I have a friend in Washington, and he says, you know, you can change when you see the light or you can wait till you can't stand the heat.
Now I'm one of those that has to have the heat, you know, and the light doesn't help me much. It's when I hurt long enough. When the pain is so great, I'm willing to do something different. Now anger was giving me the most problem. Anger was the one. You know, it's like when the cup is full of anger, when more anger goes in, anger spills out. And remember, anger in my case meant that I was going to become violent.
I was going to get revenge. You know, that was how I dealt with the anger. And just because I had the awareness and just because I'd done a fourth and fifth step and knew that I had it in there, wouldn't make it stop.
[00:55:01]
And so as I became ready and I told God, I said, you know, I'd really like not to feel about me the way I feel about me. When you abuse someone else, when you physically abuse someone else, it makes you feel real small on the inside. It really affects you too. It not only affects the person you're whipping up on, but it affects you too. The same thing's true is when you do it, the emotional things that we do to one another and the sarcasm and all those kinds of things that go along with it.
And so as I became ready to have God remove that, I began to get some awareness that I didn't have before. My anger was like a volcano. When I don't deal with my anger, when things happen that hurt me, I get mad. When I get scared, it makes me mad. Anger was the feeling that I used to mask all of the other feelings. It was safer because you see, anger put a wall between me and you that you were afraid of.
And that kept you away. Because if you know that you've got a violent nut on your hand, you ain't going to push it. And so that's what I was using. I was using that anger as a protection to keep you away from me so you couldn't hurt me. And yet I wanted to get close to you. So you see, I was the one that was preventing me from getting close because I'm keeping the wall up. And so it was like a volcano.
When something would happen that would hurt me or whatever, it would make me mad and it would go down inside and it would go blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp. And then here's the next little thing that happens, the next little frustration, aggravation or irritation, blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp. And then if you do that long enough, you've got a seething little cauldron in there. And then all of a sudden, one day, some little thing happens that is usually not a significant thing at all.
But it is the last straw. And when that happens, then what happens? The volcano explodes. And here comes all that garbage out that you've been carrying around all that time. And it just, it's unbelievable what you can do with that kind of stuff. The rage. I had been over to my mother's one afternoon and going over there was always an emotional suicide. And so I got my feelings really hurt. And so I came back home and I stomped into the living room and J.D. was sitting in the chair and when I stomp in, he knows to keep his mouth shut.
And see, you know, he was alcoholic, he wasn't stupid. So I went into the front closet looking for something and I was just flinging stuff around because I'm mad. And when I'm mad, I'm just, you know, how you do, just flip, flip. And I hit this box of papers and they just rained over my head. It just flipped upside down. And it was our tax papers for about five years now getting all scrambled together.
And I just went berserk, you know, and I was in there and it's like, I want to hurt something. And so I grabbed the first thing I saw, which was an umbrella and I beat it to death. You know, a closet's a small space to be, you know, I was just in there beating and whamming because of the rage that was within me. And then finally I grabbed the umbrella by the nose and by the tail and went, and just made a horseshoe out of it.
And I walked out of the closet and I'm just, you know, I felt some better. I had gotten rid of some of the anger, but, you know, I'm looking and this is my favorite umbrella. And JD's just sitting there, he's still not saying anything, but he's got this funny look on his face. And later he said, I wanted to laugh, but I knew it wasn't a good time. And I was waiting for him to say something, you know, and he didn't say anything.
So I went on off and went in, took my shower and we went to the meeting and it was a potluck meeting that night after which they used to play bingo. And before we got so good, we don't play bingo anymore in Arkansas. And so I won an umbrella at bingo. And when I did, JD says, God knew she needed one. I thought it was sort of funny too. I had ordered this fern, a preserved fern, I paid a fortune for it.
And it was a fern that you could have in the house and you didn't have to mist it or do anything. It was a real fern, but it was preserved for all time. And so you got it and you put it in this little thing and you got all the little fronds and you made your decoration.
[01:00:18]
Do you know how airplanes look on an aircraft carrier with their little wings bent down? That's how my fern was. Every one of my fron was broken, you know, where you've gone down. Every fron was broken at half mass, just, everything was just around. And I just sort of, you know, I could have, I could have just taken where the part was broken and started again, had a shorter fern, but I stomped it to death in the living room.
I did a little Mexican hat dance right on the top of the fern. J.D. just walked away, you know. It was Christmastime. I'm in the traffic on the freeway and we're all getting off at the exit for the big mall and this girl passes me on the left and goes, right around me where I had to stand my car on end to keep from killing us, you know. Well, where'd she think she was going? The traffic has stopped, you know, and that was sad for her.
I got out of my car and I walked up and I banged on her car and I said, what in the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you realize that you just pulled in front of me? I had to stand and she's, and so she locks her car door. And I said, you needn't think that'll stop me if I won't in there. That's the kind of anger I'm talking about, you know, that, that insane kind of anger, you know, and if she had, she had a mouth off at that point, I probably would have put my hand through the glass or something, you know, it's like, don't push me here, you know, and I'm that kind of person, you know, I'm sure that if I lived out in California where they shoot you on the freeway, I'd be packing a gun shooting at people, you know, that was the kind of anger that I had inside of me because everything that was done, it was personal.
She did it to me. She wasn't trying to get off to get off at the exit, made a bad choice, you know, you know, but she promised she would never do it again. So I'm going to ask God, you know, to help me to get rid of this, you know, and one by one says those things would be painful. I would say, God, I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this kind of a person. I want to be a woman of dignity and grace.
I want to be able to, to not have people afraid of me. I don't want to have this kind of race. I was afraid of me. I was afraid of me. I can't tell you the things that I did that it was, and it was, that was my coping mechanisms, you know, that's what it amounts to. That's my coping mechanisms that you're asking me to give up those defects of character, but I'm willing to live naked in life to take away all my defenses, those things that I use.
That's how I cope with things. When you get too close to me, I can hold you away. I can push you away with those things. And instead of having to feel feelings, you know, and like say the revenge thing, you know, I just, I kept telling my sponsor, is it really that bad? Is it really that bad? I said, I really like revenge. I said, it makes me feel real good on the inside. And she said, for how long?
I said, well, not long, but I said, I really feel better planning revenge. I said, I think that's what it is. I said, because I just, it's so scathingly brilliant, the things I can come up with. And I said, you know, I get off on good thoughts, you know, I said, I really get off on it. And she said, well, well, you know, what is the deal there? And I said, well, it's just, I've used it all my life.
How do you stop doing it? And she said, well, you just ask God to do it for you. And I'm going, that's not going to work, because we're talking about major revenge here. Now, God may be powerful, but revenge now, that's something else. You see, I loved it. I loved it. My favorite revenge story is about J.D.'s little car. And you see, J.D. wanted a sports car, and I didn't want a sports car. I wanted the station wagon, and we were going down to buy a new vehicle.
After we got them out of the, if you remember, we got them out of the river. They didn't smell too good, so we said we'd go down and get a new vehicle, so at least we'd have something that didn't smell like a sardine. Well, he wanted a sports car and I wanted a station wagon. So we compromised. We got a truck. Nobody wanted that. You see, when nobody will give in, you have to compromise like that. And so, anyway, later on, though, he got the sports car.
[01:05:00]
He got the MG Midget. Now, it's, I think it's a little smaller than even her Miata was yesterday, but I was a lot younger then, but I hated that sports car because there was no way to get in and out of it. It was low to the ground. And when you're tall or you're big, and I was both, and then I've got all this hair up here. You know, I mean, you know how you had it up in those beehives and things in those days and those bouffant hairdos, and so there's no way to get in without, you know, your hair falling over in the back seat because there's not enough room for the lid at the top of the car, you know, and how do you get in one, you know, where you just sort of turn sideways and fall in, you know, because you can't get down low enough to get in, and then when you get in, then you pull your feet around.
So see, I knew how to get in the Miata yesterday. It was just a matter of there wasn't enough room, and so anyway, I'd pull my legs around and get in the car, and now getting out, I always got my feet hung in the steering wheel. I don't know how it happens. There was just not a graceful way to get out of the car. There's just not when, you know, there's just, it was bad. So it was in the wintertime, and I told you, I was off on every Friday, and I would go buy groceries, and I had this girlfriend, and I said, be sure and leave me the truck tomorrow because I've got to go buy groceries, and J.D. thought it would be real cute to see what Reba and I would do if we were stuck with the sports car, ha, ha, ha, and so when I looked out there, you know, it really made me mad because I had asked him specifically to leave the truck, and it's like he will not do this to me.
He will not thwart me in my quest for the day, and so I got on my coat, and I got out there, and I fell in the car, and I started off, and now, you know, my girlfriend Reba weighed over 300 pounds, and I weighed over 200 pounds, and so here we are. You know, I go over, and she's standing on her front porch because she can hear me going through the gears as I'm coming up, and she's going, hmm, hmm, hmm, and I said, hmm, hmm, and she said, I can't get in there.
I said, yeah, you can, and you will. See, you know, I'm a positive thinker, you know, I said, you can, and you will, and so I told her about how you just turn around sideways, fall in, and then drag your feet around, and she said, I don't think, I said, get out there and do it, you can do it, and so she went over there, and she fell in, and we finally got her around, and I got the door shut. I fell in, got in behind the steering wheel, and every time I'd switch gears, well, she'd have a spiritual experience, and we were in that car, so we get up to the grocery store.
We're on the parking lot now. You know, I did what I was supposed to do, I opened the door, got my feet tunged in the steering wheel, got out of the car, come around, and I said, come on, and she said, I can't. I said, what do you mean you can't? She said, I'm stuck. I said, what do you mean you're stuck? She said, like, stuck, that's what I mean, like stuck, and I'm going, you can't be stuck. I said, get out of the car.
She said, I can't. I said, what do you mean you can't? So I began to help her, and I put my one foot up on the door, and over here, and I'm jerking on her like this. Come on, come on, and when she fell out, she fell on top of me in the parking lot, so we're rolling around out there, and some guy's watching, going, Lord have mercy, call the fire department, and I think, well, I'm going to have to go whip this guy's butt before I ever get in the grocery store.
Got in the grocery store. Now, what is the most insane thing to do? Buy groceries. Where are you going to put them? There's no trunk. You know? So, I mean, here we have to go back out, take everything out of the sacks. It's all around in the, behind the seats, around in the floorboards, it's everywhere. We did the little number, got back in the car, we drove a few blocks and broke the axle. Now, it's as simple.
Pushed it off in a ditch, out of the way, got her stuff out, walked on, took the stuff back home, and that night when J.D. came in, you know, he came in in the truck, and he looks around, and he comes in, and he says, where's my little darling? I said, it's over in a ditch on School Street, and I told him what had happened, and he said, my God, it had a 500-pound weight allowance, and I said, who knew, and who cared?
It's all your fault. If you hadn't have left, if you had done what I told you to, it wouldn't have happened. This is not my fault, not my fault, nothing is ever my fault, and he said, well, let's go over and see if we can tow it home, and I said, all right, now, if you are know-it-all, it's really irritating for someone to tell you how to do something you know how to do. It's real irritating, so on the way over there, he's instructing me in the finer points of how to tow a vehicle, like I just fell off the turnip wagon, and he said, and don't floorboard it.
Why would you have to tell someone not to floorboard it when you're towing a car? Is that not insane, you know?
[01:10:03]
That insults my intelligence. Now I'm mad. So it's cold, it's rainy and drizzly, sort of, and so the big truck, it was a big truck, had the automatic choke was on, and so I figured there would be enough power just from the automatic choke. You take the foot off the brake, that ought to pull you out of the ditch, you know, it was a little car, you know, and so he put on this piece of chain, and that's what I did, and it slung him out of the ditch sideways and broke the chain, and he got out of the car, and he came up there, and just, now he's mad, and he called me everything but a human being.
He shouldn't have done that. See, he knew about Mama and the fish, he shouldn't have done that. And I just looked at him, you know, and I thought, you know, you have eat on me, and you've chewed on me, and he accused me of floorboarding it one more time, you know what I mean, he just went through all this mess, and so he's hooking the chain on, and he's out there, and he's like, and so he got in it, and I floorboarded it.
Now, I mean, that slung him across, back, forth, broke the chain, you know, and he was just, he was hysterical now, and when he came up to the window of the car, I said, now, that's what happens when you floorboard it, do you see the difference?