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- 3-2–3 Lori G Oklahoma City, OK Al Anon — Date Unknown
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- Lori G
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Source: Lori G – 3-2–3 Lori G Oklahoma City, OK Al Anon – Date Unknown.mp3 File: lori-g-3-2-3-lori-g-oklahoma-city-ok-al-anon-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:16:48
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Hey everybody, my name is Lori Gooding, I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. My recovery date is July 1, 2001. My home group is the Start Fresh group, we meet Mondays at 5.30 at a little place called the Western Club in Oklahoma City, so if you ever find yourself in Oklahoma City, we'd love to have you. Well hello, North Coast Roundup. Isn't it great to be back in person? I mean, listen, Zoom was great, and listen, I love how we all came together and we got that started really great, but I am so sick of Zoom.
I'm so glad to be back, I really am, I'm so glad to be back. There's just nothing like being in person and getting to see people smile and hug each other again, and I'm so grateful that we're back, I really am. And so, Zan came up to me and she's like, I'm so sorry, we're going to be a little late, do you care? And I was like, no, I don't care, and in the back of my head I was thinking, you could just skip me for all I care, we could just go on to my husband, but anyway.
I'm glad that if you're here and you're going to stay and hear my husband, I'm really glad because at least you're going to get to hear the truth. I know this is mostly alcoholics, we have a few Al-A-Nons in here, you know, I always like to say anybody can be an alcoholic, but you've got to know somebody to be an Al-A-Non. All right, I'm going to get this started so we can get it done. Thanks Jason for asking us, we met Jason and Julie about nine years ago, I guess, right?
And Jason was like, I said this last time I was here, because I actually spoke here about eight years ago, and I said, Jason's like the little brother I never wanted. And then he paid me back by telling everybody that I knew that he was my little brother. And so, I love Jason and Julie, I really do. And I will just tell you, I have seen a change in Jason this time that I've never seen before. I'm not telling him that, but I have, and I've really enjoyed him, which has not always been the case.
But I've had a really good time with him this weekend. So anyway, I love Julie, I love all of our speakers, I'm going to tell you, I know a lot of them, and I love you, you're in for a great treat this weekend, right after this. And so, just bear with me. Okay, so I was born. And when I was born, I had two older sisters and an older brother waiting on me. My oldest sister is 11 years older than me, and she has drank and smoked and taken something since I can remember, and she doesn't think she's an alcoholic, and she doesn't think she has a problem, and I've got to be honest, I don't know if she is or not, I really don't know.
But I can tell you this, she gives a good impression of one. And I have a sister that's 10 years older than me, and about 10 years ago, or maybe 12, I don't know because I lose track of time, but she actually came into the rooms of AA. And she stayed for about seven years, and after seven years, one day she called me and she was crying. And I answered the phone and I said, what is wrong? And she goes, I don't think I'm an alcoholic.
And I go, why are you crying? She goes, because I really want to be. And I said, what is going on? And she said, I feel like a fake and a fraud in those meetings. She said, I don't relate to a lot of the stuff that people talk about and are shared in that book, and I've been back through the steps with my sponsor, and we've been back through that book, and my sponsor says, I can't tell you, nobody can tell you if you're an alcoholic or not, but I'm going to make an exception in this case, and you are not an alcoholic.
And she's not. And I said, well, tell me why you came to AA in the first place. And she said, well, if I'm being honest, I thought my husband would follow me into the rooms, and I said, welcome to Al-Anon. I had a brother at six years older than me, and he died of this disease three years ago. And he died the alcoholic death that is described in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. My brother was 6'5", and on his deathbed, he weighed 135 pounds.
And I learned to love my brother for who he was and what he was. And I didn't get that anywhere else but here. And I am so grateful for that. Because for the majority of his life, I tried to get him to be somebody different. I tried to get him to act and do the way that I thought that he should act and do. And I came into these rooms, and somebody had told me that I had to learn to love my brother for who he was and what he was, and I did that.
And I'm going to tell you, the last few years of his life, I had the best relationship I
[00:05:01]
could have with a brother who was actively drinking and dying of this disease. And the last words he ever said on this earth, the very last words he ever said on this earth was that he loved me. And I'm grateful for that, because I know that that's not everybody's story. And then there's me. I'm the baby, and I have never drank or done a drug in my whole entire life. I'm going to let all the alcoholics think that in and try not to pass out.
I know it's crazy. I know it's sad. My husband always liked to say, it didn't mean she didn't need a drink, but anyway, he might be right about that. And what I know about that is that that's about control. That is all about control. I had seen what happened to my brother and my sisters when they drank, and it seemed like they got in a lot of trouble, and they disappointed a lot of people, and it seemed like it was a little chaotic, and I just didn't want to have anything to do with that.
And at a very young age, even though I didn't have the words for it, and I really didn't know anything about alcoholism, I didn't know anything about addiction, I just knew that I wasn't going to be like them. And if I would have had the words for it, and if I would have known about the disease of alcoholism, I would have probably said this. If I don't drink and drag, I will not be affected by the disease of alcoholism.
And that's really kind of what my thought process was back then, even though I didn't know about it. It worked out real well for me. Here I am. And I was just going to be the good girl. That was it. I was going to be the good girl. And I don't come from an alcoholic home, my parents are not alcoholics, it's not my story. My daddy was as old as everybody else's grandfather my age. My daddy was in World War II, he grew up during the Depression, and he was the hardest working man I ever met.
He taught me a good work ethic, and he taught us how to work hard, and he always made us believe that we could do and be anything we wanted to do and be as long as we worked hard enough. My mama was a stay-at-home mom. We lived in the country, lived on a little ten-acre farm. I had a good life, everything was going great. My daddy started a church in Choctaw, Oklahoma called the Trinity Bible Baptist Church.
And we went to church all the time. And I grew up in church, and everything was going good. And I knew everybody in that town, and everybody in that town knew me, and I had a good life. So then I turned seven. When I turned seven, my parents got a divorce, and they kicked my dad out of that church he started. And everybody in my family stopped going to church but me. And what I know about that now is that I was always seeking.
I was always seeking, and I was always looking for something. Anyway, my parents got a divorce, my oldest sister was already married, my other one got married soon after that, and my mom moved me to a suburb of Oklahoma City called Moore, Oklahoma. I don't know if you guys have probably heard about it on the news, it is the tornado capital of the world. And I hated it, I hated it. I hated it. My closest neighbor at the time was a mile and a half down the road, and now I could like literally reach out and touch the house next door.
And it was just so foreign to me, it was just so different than what I was used to growing up. And kids were mean to me for the first time in school. And the reason why they were mean to me is because I was the ugliest kid in school. If you don't believe me, my husband has pictures on his phone, he would love to show you. Anyway, I'm going to tell you what I looked like. I had back teeth really, really bad, and I had these eye teeth that were growing out through my gums because my baby teeth wouldn't fall out, so I looked like a vampire bunny.
Had a big nose. I went and got my nose fixed, and when I was in my 20s, my doctor said, your nose would look better on a man. I said, it does, it's my daddy's nose. Looks great on him, not so much on me. I had these big, thick glasses because I couldn't see three feet in front of my face. I was a tomboy. My brother had two older sisters. He wanted a little brother when I was born. He got me. He did the best he could with what he had to work with.
And so I was a tomboy. I had stringy, long hair. I was always in hand-me-down clothes or garage sale clothes. I always was playing with the boys because that's where I fit in. We always played football, or rode bikes, or raced, or climbed trees, or played with hot wheels. That's just where I was always comfortable. They just teased me at school. They called me names. They tripped me going down the hall at school.
They threw things at me when I would walk home from school. I was a latchkey kid. My mama worked, and I would let myself in the house after school. I was a latchkey kid. What I learned with that is that if you're going to hurt me, you're not going to get close to me. I was pretty isolated back then. I watched a lot of TV, and I read a lot of books, and I stayed home a lot by myself. My mom started going out on the weekends.
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My mom, like I said, is not an alcoholic, but she started going out on the weekends. At first, it was like every other weekend, and then it became every other weekend, and then it became every time there was an opportunity. My mom would leave on a Friday. Sometimes we'd come home after work, sometimes not. She would leave on a Friday, and I wouldn't see or hear from her again until Monday morning when she'd call me and tell me to get up and get ready to go to school.
That started by the time I was about 9 or 10 years old, and continued up until I was about 13 when she met my stepdad. I didn't think anything about that. I just thought that's what happens when your parents get divorced, and it's just different. Things were different at my daddy's house. My dad had this girlfriend I hated, and we always went over to her house. Every time I went over to my dad's, we always went over to her house.
I hated her, and she really never did anything to me. I just knew she was taking time away from my daddy and me, and so I blamed her for that. That's what's going on. When I was 13, both of my parents got married. My dad married that woman I hated, and my mom met my stepdad. I had become the parent at my mom's house. My mom was gone a lot, and so I learned how to wash clothes and clean the house and get my own meals and take care of myself, and I took care of the house.
What I know about that today that I didn't know about then is I was doing that because I thought that if I would do those things, keep the house clean, make meals, take care of her laundry, do things, that when she came home, she'd stay home longer, and of course that didn't happen. Like I said, my mom's not an alcoholic. She was going out to meet him. She was trying to find another him. That's why she was going out to the bars, and she did.
She met him, and he came in, and he wanted to be the parent. I thought I was doing a good job, did not want to relinquish the role, but he wanted the job. So he became the parent, and he was really strict with me, and I'm going to tell you I'm really grateful for that man today. I really am because I needed that in my life, and I didn't know I needed it, and I'm going to tell you, it was not appreciative.
I did not like it at the time, but I needed that, and he taught me a lot of things, and he did a lot of good things for me. He got my teeth fixed, and he got me contacts, and he took me to buy store-bought clothes that I'd never been to a store and bought clothes before that, and he taught me a lot. He was pretty smart, and he taught me a lot of things, and he just did a lot for me, and I need you to hear all that because what happened is when I was 16, I caught him watching me take showers through the skylight in the bathroom, and a few months after that, they asked me to leave that house, and I went to go live with my dad.
When I got here, my sponsor asked me, she said, do you think your stepdad was an alcoholic, and I said, no, and she goes, well, didn't he drink, and I said, well, yeah, he drank every day, and she goes, well, tell me about that, and I said, well, you know, he drank beer like I drink water, and I said, and every night, he'd have a tumbler of Ezra Brooks and Coke, sometimes two, and she said, well, why do you think he wasn't an alcoholic, and I said, I've never seen the man drunk, and she goes, how do you know you've never seen him sober?
That was a revelation to me. I was like, what I know today is that he was probably an alcoholic. I can tell you this, he had all the isms of alcoholism. Anyway, I went to go live with my daddy, who was married to that woman I hated, and I kind of decided that she wasn't going anywhere, and so I kind of needed to be okay with that, and so I moved in with them. The problem is that at that time, my daddy was dying.
We have a kidney disease that runs in our family, and at that time, he was going on a dialysis machine three times a week, and I knew he was going to die, and I was a senior in high school, and I did to him what I did with those kids. If you're going to hurt me, you're not going to get close to me, and so I stayed really busy. I had a job after school, and I was on the newspaper editor, and I was a sports editor, and I wrote a paper at school, and I had a lot of jobs and a lot of stuff going on, and so I just stayed busy, because I thought at the time, if I get real close to my dad and he dies, it's going to hurt worse, so I'm just not going to get close to him, and I know that sounds crazy today, but again, it's about control for me, and so I stayed really busy, and then the week of my high school graduation, my daddy got a kidney transplant, saved his life, and I got him for another 14 years, and our relationship changed instantly when that happened, and I started letting my dad into my life, but the bigger deal was he started letting me into his, and I got to hear about growing up during the Depression, and I got to hear a little bit about World War II, and what it was like.
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when he met my mom and the things that had happened and I mean I just we just got we had some really really good talks and my my dad and I my dad had a lake house and my dad and I would go to the lake on weekends in the summer and we just spent a lot of time together and and we were having a great day I mean we were having a great time I my dad was happy I was living with him and I I got a job right down the street from him I'd come home at lunch and I mean he was loving it he really was and I was everything was good and I was I turned 19 I'd barely turned 19 and I met him and my daddy hated him and and I I met him in September he asked me to marry him in November and we got married in March did I mention my daddy hated him because he hated him and I cannot you know I was 19 he was 27 everybody tried to I know everybody tried to tell me and everybody said don't do this my dad tried to everybody and I don't know what you were like at 19 but I knew everything by the way that did not stop at age 19 I wish I'd had but anyway I thought I knew everything and and I was just gonna make this work you know because I've been taught you just work hard and anything can happen I'm gonna tell you I got married that night that night I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life I instantly knew but if you're a type like me if you're untreated al-anon of my type you cannot admit that you're wrong you don't admit when you make a mistake and I never did I never admitted and again I'm just gonna work hard and make this work so we stayed married and it was it was a struggle from the get and it never really got any better and I had a little boy because if you have a bad marriage bring a baby into it that's always smart and uh and you know and uh and really I that we stayed married for seven years and that little boy was the only reason I came home at night and that's the truth and uh one day I'm we're living back out in the country and I'm driving to the city every day it's an hour drive to work every day and I'm working at a bank and I am miserable and I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this marriage and I and I only and I and I don't know where this comes from but there's only there's only a few reasons you can get a divorce in this head of mine I don't know where this comes from but I'm gonna tell you the rules in case you're interested I'm gonna tell you in case you're not I don't care anyway and here's the reasons they have to beat you well he didn't they have to cheat on you he didn't they have to be an alcoholic he wasn't had he been we might still be married I'm thinking now but anyway and I'm and so those are the only rules that you that's the only reasons you can get a divorce I don't know where it comes from I don't know guys I don't know but it's there and uh and I'm looking for a way out of my marriage and I'm trying to figure it out and I and I don't know what I'm gonna do and I'm miserable I really am miserable and I've tried everything that I can try and nothing is working out and I'm working at this bank and my way out of my marriage walks through the door he was the best-looking thing I've ever seen in my life he was five six I have this thing for short guys if you like if you're short I'm gonna like it if you're short and alcoholic I'm going to love you and I loved this one and he's five six he had this dark brown hair these baby blue eyes this great smile and it and he was on the he was the attorney for the bank that I worked for he was always in these really nice suits and these beautiful ties and every time he walked in he was on the board of committees on why he was not only the attorney for the bank he was on my loan approval committee and he was on the board of directors he's one of the owners of the bank and every time he walked in the bank all the girls would giggle and smile and bat their eyes and all the guys would shake his hand and pat him on the back and I literally would go and hide in the other room because I could not form a sentence around him he made me that nervous that had not happened before or since but and I did I went and hid and so one day he called and he said I need you to bring a file down to my office at lunch and I'm gonna take you I'll take you to lunch and I said okay and I took that file to him to him and he took me to lunch and that was it I started dating him and I left my husband and you need to hear that because that's the order it came in and I am NOT proud of that it's not a recommendation by the way and but I'm just gonna tell you alcoholics do not have the market cornered on selfishness and self-centeredness and at that time I wanted what I wanted so I started dating him and I left my husband and he was a lot of fun I mean he was a lot of fun we had fun no matter what we did we had fun watching TV we had fun talking on the phone we had fun eating dinner we had fun no matter what we did
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we had a great time he was a lot of fun now he had no filter and he embarrassed me to death half the time and I couldn't understand why he would act like that but he was crazy and he was a lot of fun and uh and and but you know I'm going with it he's exciting this is all new everything's good and and then the more I'm around him the more I noticed that he didn't sleep very well like for days at a time and then he sleeps for like days at a time I'm glad y'all think it's funny it was not hilarious at the time but this intrigues me because I don't understand that I mean I can't make it through a slumber party so I asked him about that and I said why why do you not sleep and he said I have a sleeping disorder I've had it since college now if you say that to some other person they might kind of go okay whatever they might say a few things I don't know you say that to somebody like me you are now my project I am going to fix this for you and so I decided I'm gonna help him now here's the thing you know about that he did not ask for my help there's a lady back home 20 years ago when I first came in this program she taught she said this to me and she got it from her sponsor who had been there I don't know 20 years before her she says helpfulness is the sunny side of control and so remember that the next time you're trying to be helpful so I try to help him and so I walk and what happens is I start asking him questions you know what are you doing why are you staying up you know blah blah blah and it seems like the more that I inquire about this the more he gets a little irritated and agitated at me and we start having these little arguments and at first it's no big deal it's just these little arguments and uh and then you know we get mad at each other and then he comes back a few minutes later and apologizes and notice I said he comes back and apologizes because I do not and uh and then we go along everything goes on for a while and then and and you know and and it's not a big deal for for for you know it's really just not a big deal it's just every once in a while we have these little spats and so but the more that I'm trying to figure out I can't figure out what's going on I'm trying to figure it out and so I do what anybody would do in that situation I move in with him because I got a watching 24-7 I'm pretty sure he's drinking too much caffeine too much screen time I don't know but I'm gonna figure it out and so I move in with him and I and again I start watching and and asking questions and start trying to investigate and and I and I don't know what's going on and um and now we're starting to have more arguments and they're getting a little bit more heated now here's what you need to know when I met Cliff there are people that knew me and knew him that would call me up and they'd say and this is generally the conversation every single time it went something like this they'd say hey is it true that you're dating Cliff Gooding and I go yeah you know him and they go oh yeah and I'd say well tell me what you know tell me what it what you know what do you think what are you doing and they and this is generally the conversation every time they'd say well he's the he's brilliant smart I mean he's probably one of the smartest men you'll ever meet and I knew that he did his undergraduate in three years and he graduated his law class seventh in his law class he was top 5% he says the bar exam was the easiest exam he ever took anyway I worked for a C in algebra for a semester but anyway and so and then they'd say and you know he's really successful and I knew that at the law at the time that I met him he had this huge law firm downtown Oklahoma City and then they'd say he's a lot of fun and I knew that because we've been having a lot of fun and then they'd say this but he's a liar he's a cheat he's arrogant he's egotistical you cannot trust him as far as you can throw him and you need to stay away from him and what I heard was he needs you my alan on people get that I'm just telling you they're like oh yeah me too anyway so I'm living with him I'm trying we're starting to have these fights and and now they're getting more heated and and and and they're getting you know more frequent and we got in a huge fight this one time and I left because I kept my apartment because you got to have a backup plan ladies and uh and so I kept my apartment and I went I went back and I'd been and he had been trying to call me and I wouldn't answer his phone and he he caught me at my apartment one time because I didn't have caller ID and I answered the phone and he said don't hang up and I said what he said I think we should go see a counselor and I
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thought that was a great idea and I said okay now I'd never been to a counselor before I didn't know anything about counseling or anything like that but I said okay so he made this appointment and the lady wanted to see me first before we went in together and so I went in and and I don't know if anybody has ever been to counseling or therapy I I'm guessing in this crowd probably not but if you have I don't know what it's like where you went but I'm gonna tell you what happened here she gave me this intake sheet to fill out and had questions like this have you ever drank more than two or three drinks at a time have you ever taken illegal drugs have you ever abused prescription drugs have you ever smoked marijuana have you ever had more than two sexual partners at a time have you ever dressed promiscuously I am checking no as fast as I can check no on this form thinking who comes in here I mean I just need a little marriage relationship advice I don't know what this is and so anyway she said look it's gonna take me about 10 minutes to go over this form and I'll be back and I said okay and she barely walked through that door before she flipped right back around and she looked at that sheet and she looked back at me and she goes looks like the only thing sick about you is that you're Dayton Gooding let's talk about that that's exactly what she said what I heard was see it's him it's not you he's the problem and so we started going to counseling and we went to counseling in my mind with him being the problem know something about counseling it's great it really is it will help you with a lot of things if you tell them the truth but if you lie you might as well just be throwing $100 bills out the window and so we're throwing $100 bills out the window because I mean we don't know how to be honest we don't know what I don't know what's going on I'm trying you know I'm blaming everything on him and we're going this counselor and you know and things just start getting worse and it seems like it would smooth out for a while and then it would get worse and we're on this rollercoaster ride and if you guys have lived and without active alcoholism you know what that rollercoaster ride is like it'd be really good and it'd be really bad and I and we're doing the deal and we're trying and and after being there for I don't know a couple of months or so Cliff has convinced her that he is bipolar and she gives him medication for that and you know I thought that was gonna be the answer I'm thinking okay we got a mental illness but we got we got a solution it's gonna be all right and uh and it wasn't all right and now if he can't sleep it's because I didn't take the medication on or if I sleep too much I took too much it's not the right dose it's not the right amount it's the wrong kind we're gonna switch it up I mean there's always excuse there's always a reason he doesn't sleep he doesn't eat he sleeps too much he eats too much he you know it's just insane and sometimes we can get along and then sometimes it's the knockdown drag-out fights and by this time it's knockdown drag-out fights I mean these aren't just little arguments anymore these are screaming yelling cussing matches we're throwing things we're slamming doors it is not pretty at our house and uh we've been going this counselor for a while and I came in one day and she said well what do you want to talk about today and Cliff said I asked her to marry me she said she would I want us to set a date and I was like oh so I married him and um because you know maybe if we get married it'll be better you know so we get married and it and again it just keeps getting worse and and one day one day we get in this huge fight and here's the other thing you need to know while we're having these knockdown screaming drag-out fights we have two little kids when we got together my little boy was four and his daughter was five and uh I'm just going to tell you they've seen some horrible things those kids have heard their parents call each other names I wouldn't call my worst enemy today and they've seen us treat each other worse than I would treat anybody I'd never treat anybody the way that I treated him on this particular night we got a huge fight I to this day cannot tell you what it was about I'm sure it was really important but we got in this really bad fight and Cliff's not a violent man but you put enough drugs and alcohol into somebody you never know what's going to happen now on this particular night I don't even know why he grabbed me by my hair and start pulling me down the hall and I'm just going to tell you I am no victim I am the committed volunteer but I am no victim and I already told you I had a I had a big brother and so I I know how to fight
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and kicking him, and he's dragging me down the hall, and our little 8-year-old boy comes out of his room, and he is crying, and he's scared, and he's shaking, and he's screaming at us to stop, and I look at that little boy, and I said, go back in your room, go back in your room, because that's the only answer I got, because that's the kind of parent I am without you people, and I'm going to tell you, the next day we got up, and we went around about our day, and nobody ever talked about that, nobody ever explained that, nobody ever mentioned that, we just went on like nothing ever happened, and I wish that, that was the only time that it got violent, but I can't tell you how many times we've had those fights in front of those kids, and nobody ever addressed it, never talked to those kids, never said anything, we just went on about our day.
We've been going to this lady for like two years, and she finally had enough of us and sent us somewhere else, and this lady, she sent us to this other lady, and about, I think it was like the third visit, she had him figured out, I didn't know she had him figured out, but she did, and once again, it was another fight, and once again, he hadn't slept for days, and once again, I'm just so tired, and we go in, and she said, here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to write you a prescription for tranquilizers, I want you to give him one at six o'clock, if he's not in bed by ten, I want you to give him another one, and then I want you to go to bed and leave him alone, and I said okay, and that's exactly what I did.
I gave him one at six, I gave him another one at ten, and then I went to bed. I got up the next morning, and he wasn't in bed with me, which at this time is not an uncommon occurrence, but this time we're fighting so much, and things are so crazy, that he usually is on the couch in the living room, or he's in the room, our guest room on the other side of the house. On this particular morning, he was in the guest room on the other side of the house, and I went to go wake him up the next morning, and when I went to open the door, it had been barricaded shut with a love seat, and the other door from the bathroom was locked, and that had never happened before.
That was a new move, and listen, I'm just going to tell you, if you're an untreated al-anon of my type, a love seat is no barricade for people like us. That is no barrier. I'm just going to tell you, if there is an alcoholic in the room, we will get to you. I mean, we have an innate ability to seek and find and retrieve you. I'm just telling you, I think it's a gift from God that we're born with, but I'm just telling you, it's just natural.
I'm convinced to this day, I swear I'm convinced to this day, if you would have just told a group of untreated al-anons that Osama bin Laden was a drunk and his family needed him at home, there would have been no need for military action. We would have found him and got him, I'm just telling you. Anyway, so I broke in on him and he was passed out in bed, and next to the bed was an empty bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of wine, and up next to the bed where he had pulled up the end table and the TV on the top of the adult videotapes that had ran out was a little clear package with some white substance in it, and that's how I found out.
When I came in here, people used to say to me, oh, you were in denial. I go, no, I was just an idiot. I wish I could blame denial. I just had no clue, but I found that and I hit him as hard as I could hit another human being and he bolted out of that bed and I shook that packet at him and I said, what the heck is this? Not my exact words, but let's just go with that, and he looked at that packet and he looked back at me and he goes, I don't know.
On the occasion that he gets to tell this story before me, he likes to say, I guess those people that barricaded me in here must have dropped it on their way out. We had another little fight and I asked him to leave the house and he left and he came back a couple hours later and I said, what are you doing here? And he said, I live here. I said, not today you don't. And he said, what do you want me to do?
And I said, why don't you go tell Wilma what you've been doing? Now Wilma is our daughter, my stepdaughter's mom. And Wilma had been in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous at that time about 13 or 14 years. And so I said, why don't you go tell Wilma what you've been doing? He said, okay, and he left and then he came back a couple hours later and I said, what are you doing here? And he said, I went and did what you said.
I went and told Wilma, she took me to a meeting and we're going to do 90 meetings in 90 days and I had no idea what he was talking about and I really did not care. And I said, you're still not staying here and he left and I called Wilma.
[00:35:01]
And I wish I could stand up here tonight and tell you that I called Wilma because I knew she had 13 or 14 years and that she was going to have some kind of inspiration or some sage advice for me, but I called Wilma to check up on him. And I called her and I said, did he tell you what he's been doing? And she said, yeah, and we went to a meeting and we're going to do 90 meetings in 90 days. Still had no idea what she was talking about, still didn't care.
And I said, well, that's great. What do I do? And she said, would you be willing to go to a meeting with me tomorrow? And I said, yes. Now I'm going to tell you why I said yes. It's not because I thought I had a problem. It's not because I thought that I needed help. I said yes, because I had tried everything to get that man to do what I thought he should do and nothing worked. And I was out of ideas.
That's not entirely true. I had one more idea. I was going to kill him. I'm still convinced to this day one of the worst things that can happen for untreated Al-Anons of my type is for us to watch too many episodes of 48 Hours Mysteries and Forensic Files because we have planned your death several times over and we have learned from those people's mistakes. So she said, would you go to a meeting with me tomorrow?
And I thought, meeting, murder is a backup plan. I can do that. So she took me to my first meeting and she took me to my second meeting and she took me to my third meeting. And I have no idea how you guys got to your program, but I got here with the ex-wife. And that's how I started. And I started going to these meetings and I was listening and I was kind of getting set, but not really. And I was just going and I was scared to death and 45 days later Cliff relapses and he comes in the door and I said, you've been drinking and using.
He said, no, I haven't. And I said, well, we're going to do a drug test and he goes, you're being awful harsh. And another fight ensues. Once again, I asked him to leave the house and once again, I called Wilma and she said, you know what I think we should do? I think we should get supervised visitation with our kids. And I thought that sounded like a great idea and I wish I could stand up here and tell you I did that to protect my kids, but I did that because I was going to make him pay.
See I like to punish. I'll show you, you drink at me, I'll teach you. So we go see this attorney the next day who happened to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said, do you want a divorce? And I said, no. And she said, well, what do you want? And I said, you know, I just want him to be okay. And she goes, what that's true. If you really mean that, and that's true. And what you need to do, deal is decide what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do.
And you need to be really sure of that. And you need to be very matter of fact when you go talk to him. And she said, and what you need to do is you need to tell him what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. That you don't say anything that you're not wanting to follow through with. And you don't threaten or anything like that. She said, but when you go talk to him, you need to be very calm.
Now I'm just going to tell you, there are a thousand adjectives that can describe me. Calm ain't making the list. I've never been calm in my life. To this day, not one person who knows me has ever come up to me and said, you know what I like about you, Laura, you're just so calm. It's just never happened. Because I thrive on chaos and crisis. That's my wheelhouse. Chaos and crisis, I'm your girl. Calm, I got nothing.
I mean seriously. So after going to meetings for 45 days, the only thing that I knew was the serenity prayer. And I had a really good job at the time for the last three years of Cliff's drinking. He had not worked. Not much. And I had supported us. And I'm going to tell you, at the time, I didn't know, I mean I look back and we talked about this, but I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing because I was told you work hard.
You take care of yourself. You take care of your people. And what I didn't realize by doing all that is that that just made it easier for him to keep drinking and using because any money that he did get, he just used that on drinking and drugs. And he didn't have to go to work because I was working. And so he had more time to do that. And so anyway, so I had been going to Al-Anon meetings, the only thing I knew was the serenity prayer.
I had this really good job. I drove around in my car a lot. And on that particular day, I drove around and I said the serenity prayer over and over again. And if I said that prayer one time that day, I said it 500 times. And that's not an exaggeration. I said it over and over all day long. And then I called Cliff and I asked him to meet me at the house. And he did. And when I came in, I grabbed his hands and this is what came out of my mouth.
I know you have a problem and I know you must be scared. And I'm willing to do whatever I need to do.
[00:40:00]
If I need to go to counseling or treatment or meetings or whatever it is I need to do, I'll do that. But only if you can do your part. And if you can't do your part, I can't stay. And that may not sound like a big deal to you, but I'm going to tell you it was everything to me because I've never been okay without him. Whether it was him or the him before him or the him before him, I've always had to have the guy right next to me.
I've always needed another guy to make me feel better about me, to have some kind of approval and make sure that I'm alright. But on that day, I knew no matter what he said, I was going to be okay. I knew it. It was the first time since I was a little girl that I felt okay in my own skin. I hadn't felt okay in forever. And I knew if he said, screw you, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and if you don't like it, you can leave.
I knew I was going to be okay. And I knew it in my heart, in my soul and in my gut. But that's not what he said. He said, you're right, I have a problem. He also told me that he wasn't bipolar and he didn't have a sleeping disorder, which I'd kind of figured out by that time, but it was nice for the verification. And I said, well, what are you going to do different? Because you've been going to meetings, he'd been going to AA, and he said, I'm going to ask a guy to sponsor me tomorrow and I'm going to do whatever he tells me to do.
And I knew that he meant it. And I said, okay. And the next morning he got up and he went to a meeting and he asked that man to sponsor him. And he's been sober ever since. But that left me with me. And when the obsession in my life gets better, I get crazier because I'm just going to meetings too. I'm not doing anything. I'm going to meetings and I'm waiting and watching. I'm waiting and watching and here's what I'm doing.
I'm waiting and watching. And I'm going to tell you, I did everything wrong when I got here. Everything that they tell you not to do, I did. I mean everything. And I'm waiting and watching because I know he's going to drink. I'm going to catch him and I'm going to punish him because that's what I do. And so I'm waiting and watching and I'm doing everything that they tell you not to do. He would come home and I'd say, where'd you go today?
How many meetings did you go to? Who did you go with? Have you talked to your sponsor? What did he say? I gave you $20 this morning. How much did you spend? What do you have left? Where did you go for lunch? Who all was there? What did you eat? What did they order? I mean, it doesn't matter. I mean everything. And I am a crazy woman and that's how my day is going. And I'm doing that every day. And I'm going to meetings.
I am sharing this at meetings. And I'm going to tell you one of the things I love about Al-Anon is that they are so patient with you. Because when you come to Al-Anon for the first time, they know. They know. They know you're crazy. They know what's going on in your life. They know how horrible it is. And they're real patient with you. And it's the first place that you can share about this and they understand.
I can talk about I wanted to kill my husband and they go, oh yeah, me too. I mean, the first time I said that, there was a lady that goes, oh honey, I planned his funeral. I even picked out what I was wearing and had hired the pallbearers. I mean, I was like, I am home. And so they get it. And so they're real patient with you. And they just let you go. They just let you talk. And they let you say all the crazy that you want to.
And they just listen and they understand and keep coming back because you need to be here. And they're doing all that. And I am sharing this. And I'm doing all this crazy stuff at home, waiting and watching and asking him all the questions. I mean, everything that you could do wrong, I did. We get in a fight, I'd call his sponsor. I mean, I did. Call his sponsor and tell off on him. You know, his sponsor was great.
He'd say, okay, honey, I'll talk to him. I mean, it was awful. I was just terrible. But anyway, and so they're real patient with you in Al-Anon. They really are. And they just, they just love you till about month three. And then they're like, okay. And finally, one day somebody goes, do you have a sponsor? And I was like, oh, I probably should get one of those. And so there was this lady that came to a couple of meetings every week.
I sat in meetings with her. And every time that she shared, I felt like she was talking to me. I mean, I felt like she was reading my mind, like she was, like she knew what was going on. I was like, she's got spies at my house, I swear. And she, and every time she talked, I swear she was talking to me. I mean, I felt the way that she had felt. When she'd say stuff, I'd say, oh my gosh, I've done that.
You'd say stuff, I'd say, oh my gosh, I've done that, or I felt that, or whatever. And so I ran after her after a meeting one day. And I said, hey listen, I really need a sponsor, would you please sponsor me?
[00:45:03]
And she said, yeah, here's my phone number, call me tonight. And so I did, I got home that night and I called her. And she said, tell me why you think you need Al-Anon. So I told her everything he had ever done. He did this, and he did that, and I caught him with this, and I went on and on and on about him. And I don't know to this day if I stopped or paused, I'm not sure. And she finally got in there and she said, well, now we know he's not the problem, you are, let's talk about that.
I know, she seemed so nice in those meetings too. And, but I'm going to tell you, it's exactly what I needed to hear, and it's exactly the way that I needed to hear it. If I'd had one of those sponsors that was like, oh honey, you know, maybe we should talk about you, I probably wouldn't be here. Because when she said that, and the way that she said it to me, it clicked in my brain for the first time after going to meetings that whole time.
It was the first time it clicked in my brain. Oh my God, I am powerless over alcohol, and my life is unmanageable by me. It had nothing to do with him. He was doing everything he was supposed to be doing. He was going to meetings, he had a sponsor, he was working with newcomers, he was taking the steps, he was going to book studies, he was doing everything he was supposed to be doing. He was getting better and I was getting crazier.
And so she started taking me through these steps. And we identified the powerlessness and unmanageability in my life. We got to step two and came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I'm just going to tell you, I told you I grew up in church, I was the only one that kind of went. And I had stopped going at that time, but I always knew there was a God. That was never an issue for me.
And I did not think that I was insane, though. I did not know what it meant by the insanity in my life. And then she told me the description of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And that one hit me. I tried everything that I could think of to get Cliff to act and do the way that I thought he should act and do. I've tried begging, pleading, crying, screaming, threatening.
I've looked through pockets, I've looked through wallets, I've searched cars, I've searched dresser drawers. I have followed him, I've looked through parking lots, I have driven around, I have stalked him. I've done everything that you can possibly do to get him to do and act the way that I thought he should do and act. And nothing worked. Nothing worked. And every single time I did any of those things, every single time, I thought, this is the day he's going to hear it.
This is the day it's going to work. This time it's going to be different. Every single time. And I'm talking hundreds of times. So that is how I recognize the insanity in my life. And then it got to step three. And I thought step three was going to be a breeze. Came to believe that a power grant ourselves could restore sanity. And then step three is, what is step three? Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood him.
And I'm going to tell you, I thought, no problem. And my sponsor is talking to me and she said, well, do you trust God? And I go, yeah. She goes, no, you don't. And I was like, how dare you? And I said, well, yes, I do. She said, no, you don't. And I said, why do you think I don't? She goes, why do you think you do? And I was like, what are you talking about? And she said, honey, you've been trying to do his job your whole life.
She said, when's the last time you gave anything to God and you didn't try to manipulate, control, fix or get your way? And I got to tell you, I sat on that phone for a while and I couldn't think of nothing. The only thing I came up with is that when my son was three days old, he had to have open heart surgery, gave that to God. Had I been a surgeon, probably not. The only time God got anything from me is when I had absolutely no other option.
That was it. And I didn't even realize it. And she said, we're going to start practice and trust in God. Get started on your four step. And so I did that and I got my four step ready and I called her and I said, I'm done with my four step. And she said, go be at my house Saturday at 10 a.m. We're going to do your fifth step. And I said, OK, it was fall break. And at that time we had been remodeling our kids rooms and the only thing left to do in our daughter's room was to get her bedding.
It was a Friday, I was at work, Cliff was at home. He calls me at work and he says, hey, guess what we did today? And I said, well, he goes, we went and got Rachel's bedding. And my instant thought was, how dare you? How dare you do that without my approval or my input or whatever?
[00:50:01]
I didn't say that because I had a sponsor. I just said, OK, and I hung up the phone and I finished out my day at work and I came home. And when I got home, I said, well, let me see what you got. And so they brought it out into the kitchen and they showed me. And I said, you know what? This color doesn't match our room. And this material is so thin, she's going to tear it up in no time. And you spent way too much money on this.
And you know, that guy just tried to do a decent, kind thing and I ripped him to shreds for it. And I'm going to tell you, I did it in front of his daughter. I'm not proud of that, but there's a lot of mistakes I made as a parent, a lot that did damage to those kids that I couldn't see. Every time that Cliff was passed out on the couch and couldn't go to attend an event that we had planned, I made sure that those kids knew that it was his fault, that we couldn't go.
Every time that I was in a bad mood or was mad because he had once again disappointed me or done something that I thought he should do, I made sure that those kids knew it was his fault, that he was the reason behind that. So I got up the next morning and I took that stuff and I threw it in the trunk of my car because I was going to take it back because I know better, because I know everything. And I went to go do my fifth step.
Yeah, it doesn't end well. I'm just telling you right now, it doesn't end well at all. So I get there and I get started and I had barely gotten started before she stopped to go get some water. And she came back in the room and she said, listen, before we get started on this again, is there anything that might have happened that's not on this fifth step that you want, fourth step that you want to talk about?
And I thought, oh my God, he called her. And I said, yes. And she said, well, what is it? And I said, so I told her about the bedding. She said, do you know what you did when you did that? I said, yes, once again, I had to be right and I had to have my way and I had to be in control. And she said, no, that's not what you did. She said, you see, when you told her that color didn't match her room, you told her her opinion didn't matter.
And when you told her that material was so thin she'd tear it up in no time, you let her know that no matter what decision she made for the rest of her life, you would always know better. And when you told her it was too expensive, you told her she wasn't worth it. You see, those are the exact nature of my wrongs. It's not the big stuff that I can see. It's those little things that I do to people every day and I never give it a thought.
I don't know what message I'm giving to my kids or to the people around me because I think I just, I'm right and I've got to be in control and if everybody would just listen to me, we'd be okay. And what I'm doing is I am creating damage every single day because I have the arrogance and the ego to think that I'm right. You know, when I'm, you know, trying to tell my husband how to drive or which way to go, the message I'm giving him is you're not smart enough to know how to drive or you're not smart enough to know how to follow directions.
When I'm trying to, you know, tell anybody how to do things or how they should run their life, I'm telling them you're not smart enough to figure this out. You see, those are the exact nature of my wrongs and I never could see it. We went back over my fifth step and I looked at the exact nature of my wrongs with every person in every relationship, in every instance. When I got down with that fifth step, I was like horrified and elated all at once.
I will tell you, I had no problem being entirely ready. I did not want to be that person anymore. I didn't want to do that damage anymore. I'd been doing it my whole life and I'd never even seen it. She said, you know, honey, you don't have to do, you don't have to change anything. You have to change everything, but you don't have to do it overnight. It took you a long time to get in this knot. It's going to take God a little time to get it unknotted.
She sent me home to review, make sure I didn't leave anything out that I was honest and thorough and made a list of my defects of character. We went over those and I made my eight-step list and I started my amends. When I divorced my husband, he did not want a divorce. He told me he was going to do whatever he could to make sure that I paid if I left him. He did. He did some really not nice things, underhanded things, and he got custody of our little boy.
I thought that was the worst thing that ever happened. I was upset and I had taken him back to court several times and I had not been very nice to him. I was always on his case. What I realized by doing that fourth and fifth step is that that little boy had seen
[00:55:03]
enough horrors on the weekends and in the summer. I can't imagine what it would have been like had he been with me full-time. He would have deserved to be taken away from me. God saw fit that he put him in a safe place with a good dad. His dad loved him. He was a good dad. He was in a good school. He was in a good town. His dad did the best that he could and I did not. I knew God was taking care of him.
One day, I don't know if I was picking up or dropping off, but I asked him, I said, Hey, can I talk to you for a few minutes? He's like, Sure. I'm sure he was thinking, Oh God, what now? He got out of his truck and I got out of my car and I said, I just need to tell you something. I want to thank you for doing such a good job raising our son. And I'm glad you're Colby's dad and you've done a great job.
He turned white. I was pretty sure he was going to pass out in the parking lot, so I left. I got about five minutes down the road and he called me. He said, I can't tell you what that means to me. He said, I never thought that I'd been doing a good job. I sure as heck didn't think you thought that. And he said, I can't tell you what that means to me. I really appreciate that. And somehow after that, he got better and we kind of got along after that.
When I got kicked out of that house, when I was 16 years old, when my stepdad kicked me out of that house, my mom stood there and never said a word. And we hadn't talked since it had been three years and I had not talked to her at all. For three years, I didn't talk to her. And then after those three years, I had barely talked to her. I just didn't want to have anything to do with her. And my sponsor made me start emailing her every week.
And then she had me start calling her every week. And I was doing that. And I don't know how long that had been going on. But then one day I was talking to her on the phone and she brought up how I was raised. And she said, I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep for the things that I allowed happen to you and the way that you were treated and the way that I raised you. And out of my mouth came, well, mom, you need to learn to forgive yourself because I've forgiven you a long time ago.
And it was the truth. And I can't even tell you when it happened. I made the rest of my amends. I had several people on there. And I made the rest of my amends. 10th Step is something that I do. And don't argue with me if it's a 10 or 11. But 10th Step is something that I do on a daily basis. I try to keep my side of the street clean. I try to own my part and my mistakes. And I try to apologize. I will just tell you I've never liked to apologize.
I've always thought I was right. I never would apologize for anything. The first time that I had to apologize to my husband, he was in court. I had to leave him a voicemail. He played that voicemail over and over until that phone died. Sometimes he would just come through the house and go, have you heard this? And play it for me. I think sometimes he'd play it thinking that I owed him an amends. And he'd just play it just to make himself feel better, I think.
Because I was really that bad about it. I hate being wrong. I still hate being wrong. And I still hate apologizing. But I do it today. I can actually do it today. And it doesn't taste like vinegar coming out of my mouth. I mean, I can actually do it today. I will tell you, though, I still hate being wrong. During the pandemic, we remodeled our house. And I had bought some new salt and pepper shakers for the kitchen.
And I had filled them up. And we went to have dinner that night. And there was salt in the pepper shaker and pepper in the salt shaker. And Cliff looks at me and he goes, did you put these in the wrong thing? I go, I think they were mislabeled at the store. Because there's salt and pepper. Of course I did them wrong. But I still hate being wrong. Anyway. The 11th step is critical to me. The 11th step, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God.
I'm going to tell you, that is everything to me. It is everything to me. I take time every morning to do prayer and to do meditation. Because it's where I grow that relationship with my God. And that God has given me everything that I have today. Everything that I have today. I got here going to church. And I couldn't get God there. And that's not the church's fault. I just couldn't hear it there. But I got it here.
And that God has given me everything. I am the woman that I am today because of this prayer. I am the woman that I am today because of this program and that God. I am the wife I am today. I am the sponsy I am today.
[01:00:04]
I am a friend that I am today all because of this program and because of the God of my understanding. And I grow that relationship with Him because if I don't have that relationship with Him, I'm not going to be able to have a relationship with any of you. That's just the truth. I know that today. And my relationship with God has changed. My idea of God has changed. That continues to grow and continues to get better. And I value that so much.
And the Twelve Steps says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, which is a promise. If you take these steps, you're going to have a spiritual awakening. And I'm going to tell you, I would argue that you're going to have more than one. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others in our program because we try to carry it to the alcoholics. Y'all don't listen.
That others carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And I'm going to tell you, that is the kicker for me. I don't get to pick and choose today where I practice these principles. I practice them in all my affairs. What does that mean? That means if I can go buy a cute little pair of shoes but I can't pay my lot bill, I am not practicing these principles in all my affairs.
That means if I go to the doctor and he says, Lori, you need to cut back on the food because your blood pressure is up and your cholesterol is up and I eat like I'm going to the electric chair every time I sit down for a meal, I'm not practicing these principles in all my affairs. That means if I get up here and I act all nice and kind but I go home and I yell at my husband or I talk down to my coworkers or I'm screaming at my friends, I'm not practicing these principles in all my affairs.
That means that if I am sitting in these meetings and I'm talking to you and everything looks good but I'm flirting with the guy next to me or texting him or maybe I go home and have some porn that I look at on my phone without anybody knowing or whatever, I'm not practicing these principles in all my affairs. Stepped on some toes, work a step, talk to your sponsor, do not tell me. I practice these principles in all my affairs and not just with alcoholism and not just in these rooms, in every area of my life.
My dad died a month before I got in this program and he never got to see you people. But I had no unfinished business with my dad. I am so grateful that that is my case. I was a good daughter to him and I showed up every day and I was with him a lot and I had said and done everything that I needed to say with my dad and he had done and said everything to me and we were good when he passed and I'm so grateful for that.
At the time that he died, I was having dinner at his house every Wednesday night. He and my stepmom and my stepmom had become the mother that I always wanted. And I was having dinner at their house every Wednesday night and after he died my stepmom called me and she said, Listen, are you still going to come for dinner on Wednesday nights? And I said, Yeah. And she said, I'm so glad. I was afraid you wouldn't.
I'm thinking, It's a free home-cooked meal. And so I continued to do that. And about five years after that, she met this man. Now my stepmom is about 5'11". She has this white hair. She's strong as an ox. She's a big, tough girl. And she looks like the former women's Tennessee basketball coach, Pat Summitt. Look her up. That's my stepmama. And so anyway, she looks a lot like her. And so about five years after my daddy died, she said, Hey, I need to talk.
She said, I met this man. His name is Herschel. And I knew that she had met him. I knew about Herschel. I'd heard him talking about it. She goes, But listen, he's going to come over Wednesday night for dinner. I want you to meet him. And I said, Okay. And she said, Now listen, I need to tell you something. And I said, What? She goes, He's only about 5'6". I go, Mom, you may not have noticed, but I'm okay with that.
And so I met Herschel. He's 5'6". He's got baby blue eyes. He's got dark skin and this great hair and a beautiful smile. And he's the sweetest man I've ever met. And I took my mom a couple months after that on a trip to New York. And we were walking around. And I said, You know, I never thought you'd get married again, but I could see you marrying Herschel. She goes, I could too. And a few months after that, she called me.
And she said, Hey, I need to talk to you about something. I said, You're getting married, aren't you? And she said, Not if you're not ready. I know. I know. She said, I know how much Daddy meant to you, and if this is too much or this is too soon, I can wait. And I said, Mom, don't ever give me that much power again. I said, You know what? My Daddy would love Herschel, and he wouldn't want you to be alone or lonely,
[01:05:01]
and I think that's great. And they got married. And about five years after they'd been married, my stepmom got sick. And she'd never been sick a day in her life, but she got really sick. And she was in the hospital, and she couldn't breathe, and they found out that she had walk-in pneumonia in her lungs. And this was like at the end of September, 1st of October, and I went to the emergency room, and I saw her, and she was in the hospital for like 14 days, and then she got to go home.
And she was home for Thanksgiving, and then she had to go back in the hospital, and then she was home for Christmas, and then she had to go back in the hospital. It seemed like she just couldn't get over it, and she just kept having problems. And in January, she was back in the hospital again, and I went to go see her, and it was a Monday night. And I'd been there for about, I don't know, two or three hours, and it was getting close to 5 o'clock, and she said, Don't you have a meeting to go to?
Because she knew about you people. She loved AA and Illinois, and she had come to hear me speak. She had come to hear Cliff speak. She loved it. She had seen the changes that had happened with us, and she loved it. And I said, You know, Mom, I could miss it tonight. And she said, No, you need to go. And she says to me what she says to me every single time I leave her. She said, Hey, remember, I love you.
And I said, I will. She says, Don't forget. I go, I won't. I love you too. And I leave. And she was doing really good when I left her. They had taken her off the big oxygen. She was on the nose cannula, and she was supposed to go home that week. At this time, Cliff and I had been going through some stuff. I don't know if you heard about it here, but about nine years sober, Cliff became the sheriff of AA in Oklahoma.
Some of you have heard. And I'm going to tell you, he stopped sharing his experience, strength and hope, and started telling people how to do it. And he became a man I did not recognize. And so I made him leave our home. And he didn't drink, and he didn't use, and he didn't cheat on me, and he didn't do any of those things. His ego was so out of control, I did not know him. And I said to him, We are going to have a sober home.
And that means not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And you've got to go. And so he was kicked out of the house. And he had been out of the house at this time for a couple of months. He had been doing better, and it was a Friday, and I called him and I said, I think I'm ready for you to come back home. And he said, Can I come tonight? And I said, Yeah. And he did. And the next morning I got up, and Cliff and I went and ran with some friends that morning.
And then Cliff and I went to a basketball game, and we came home. And we were supposed to go to a meeting with some friends that night and dinner. And I was real tired, and I was just going to take a little nap. And I got a phone call from Herschel, and he said, Your mama's gone. And I wasn't expecting that. And the next day I was out at their house, and we were talking. My stepmom had insisted on sleeping in her bed at the top of the stairs.
She wouldn't sleep in the bedrooms downstairs. But by the time that she would get into her room, she would literally collapse in bed because she was out of breath. She had no air left in her. So Herschel had gotten a chairlift, and it had gotten installed the day before she went to the hospital for the last time. So we got to their house. We were waiting on my sisters and brothers to get there to make plans.
And I'm going to tell you, I don't know why I asked this question. It is not something I would normally ask or care about, but I did. And I said, Herschel, how much did you pay for that chairlift? And he said, I don't know, like $2,700. And I said, And she got to use it one time. And without skipping a beat, he looked me square in the eyes, and he said, It was worth it. And that taught me this. No matter what's happened to me in my life, no matter what pain has been brought upon me or what I have done to other people, if it got me to you, it was worth it.
I wouldn't change one second of my life if it was going to cost me being here. Not one second. Everything I have in my life today is a direct result of this program and the God of my understanding. I have a beautiful life today. And I never got that anywhere else but here. And I would not change one second. My son, he turned 18 and moved in with us, so be careful what you ask for. When he was, that year was horrible.
When my stepmom died, we had something happen every month. One of the things that happened is my son got in a car wreck and totaled his truck, and he wanted me to give him the insurance check. And I said, No, you can go buy another vehicle, and I'll give you this money for it,
[01:10:02]
but you're not getting the check. And he got mad at me and left. He had moved out by that time. He was older. And he left, and he wouldn't talk to me. And I was calling him, and he wouldn't answer. And I was texting him, and he wouldn't reply. And I mean, it was like I had never been in a meeting of Al-Anon. I was texting him stuff. By God, I pay for this phone. I'll shut it off if you don't call me, Mr.
Real mature spiritual giant here. And then I called my sponsor. And she said, Okay, listen, here's what we're going to do. And I'm just going to tell you, I told you I did everything wrong when I got here. The only thing that I did right was that I would do whatever she suggested I do. And I'm just going to tell you that lady is still my sponsor today. The whole 20 years, I've still had her, and I'm grateful for her.
And I always would pay attention, and I would always do whatever she said because she was almost always right. I was always trying to catch her being wrong, but she was always right. And I said, Okay, what are we going to do? And she said, We're going to leave him alone. And I thought, She's lost it. And I said, I go, You know, this is my son, right? And she's like, Yeah, I got it. We're going to leave him alone.
And she said, You're not going to call him, and you're not going to text him. And I said, Okay, because I've always been willing to do whatever she asked me to do. And three months went by, and I had not talked to Colby. And I'm talking to her on the phone one day, and she said, Have you talked to Colby? And I said, No. And she said, Okay, here's what you can do. You can get a card, and the only thing it can say is, I love you, and I miss you, Mom.
That's it, nothing else. I said, Okay. So I got this card, and I wrote, I love you, and I miss you, Mom. At that time, I had a sponsee whose best friend's husband worked with my son, and I gave her the card Monday night at our home group. And I said, Listen, can you get this card to Colby? And she said, Sure. And I said, Okay, great. The next morning, I'm in my office, and I'm working, and my phone starts blowing up, and it's my son.
And he says, You know, Mom, I'm really sorry. I was just upset, and I got mad, and I'm so sorry, and I really miss you, and I miss Cliff, and do you think we could get together for dinner this week? And I was so excited. I called my sponsee, and I said, So you got Colby the card? She goes, No, it's still in my car. That's how God works in my life. I'm supposed to show up, follow directions, and get out of the way, and he takes care of the rest, and he's always taking care of the rest.
I've got to get out of the way, and I don't know why sometimes I forget that. My son, when he was 26, he joined the Army, and he didn't tell me. I don't mean that he went to the recruiter's office and signed up and came home and told me. I mean he was in boot camp when I found out. And I called his phone, and it kept going to voicemail, and I knew something was up, and I was trying to figure out what was going on, and I found this post on Facebook that went to a group that he was a part of that I was not a part of that he had told that he had joined the Army.
I might have been doing some investigation. I'm just saying. But nevertheless, I found it. And so I called his dad, and I said, Did Colby join the Army? And he said, Yeah. He was 26 years old. He said, Yeah. I go, He didn't tell me. He's like, I told him to tell you, Laurie. I swear to God I told him to tell you. I go, I believe you. I believe you. I go, He didn't tell me. And I walked around thinking, How could you join the Army and not tell me?
How do you do that? I'm your mother. And then it dawned on me, I know exactly why he didn't tell you. I know exactly. It was like God hit me in the head. I know exactly why he didn't tell you. Why would he tell you? You've been running his life his whole life, and you made sure that every time that he made a decision you didn't agree with, you let him know. Of course he didn't tell you. And that's exactly what it was.
I got a letter later that week that said, Mom, this may come as a shock to you, but I've joined the Army. And you know, it was the saddest and sweetest letter I've ever read. And it said stuff like this. I didn't want to tell you, Mom, because I didn't want our last conversation to be a fight. And I just couldn't stand to disappoint you one more time. And you know, Mom, if you are disappointed in me, I understand because sometimes I'm disappointed in myself.
And I hope you know that I had to do this for me, and I gave it a lot of thought. And I hope one day you'll understand. But if you never want to speak to me again, I'll understand. And I got to write him back and explain to him that I understood. back and explained to him that I understood exactly why he could not tell his mother that he had joined the Army, and that was on me, not him, because I was not a safe person to tell. And you know, I had made amends to him years ago, but apparently I needed to make
[01:15:00]
a deeper amends because I had no idea the effect that my disease had on him, and I'd never drank a drop. He called me a couple weeks after that, and I said, did you get my letter? And he said, yes. And I said, you know, is there anything that I can do to make this right? Because I know you're a smart man, and I'm very proud of you, and I love you, and I know that you can make decisions on your own, and I was wrong for ever putting you through that. And he said, no, Mom, I think we're good. And I'm going to tell you, we've been good ever since. He will actually call me and ask me for my advice. It is the craziest thing. Anyway, Jack and Hody Mitchell were an American Indian couple back in Oklahoma.
Jack died with 42 years of sobriety, and Hody died with like 36 years of sobriety, and Hody was also a member of Al-Anon. Hody learned this prayer at an American Indian conference in Arizona, and she brought it back to us, and she taught a lot of us, and every time I close, I close with this, and every time that we're at home and somebody asks us to close with the closing prayer, we always start it with this, and it goes like this. I've been told that the reason we join hands is to remind us of the truth, that we are no longer alone. Our prayer is for the still-suffering alcoholic in these rooms and on the streets.
Hold onto the person's hand next to you like your life depends on it, because someday it may. Thank you for holding my hand and allowing me to hold yours.