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Source: Kathy H – Twelve Steps of Al-Anon – Part 4 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kathy-h-twelve-steps-of-al-anon-part-4-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:10:43
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Well, thank you to everybody that was responsible for that lunch. I don't know about you guys, but I just had, it would just hit the spot on a day like today to have chili and hot soup and it was terrific. Thank you. All right, so, here we go, step nine. Made a direct, made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. When all of the persons we had harmed, when all of the persons we have harmed are listed, the task of making amends may seem overwhelming.
To make it manageable, we approach one person at a time and one event at a time. Working through the easier amends helps us build courage for considering the harder ones at a later time. You know, for me personally, when I started, after I had my eighth step complete and I began work on my ninth step, so many of the people on my list really required a change in behavior. More than anything else, what they required was a change in the behavior.
Another way to divide up the work, and I know many of you who have been in Al-Anon for a while have heard this before, and it's a good suggestion. Another way to divide up the work is to categorize our list by noting those whom we see regularly, those whom we might have to wait to see until an opportunity, an opportune time arises, and those to whom direct amends are impossible because of death or having lost touch.
But our literature always tells us that keeping it simple is important. Keeping it simple is important. Making amends, we need to understand that we are not necessarily making an apology. There are differences between amends and apologies. In making an apology, we usually say, I'm sorry, expecting a response of acceptance, pardon, or forgiveness. In making amends, we may state our errors, our role in the incident, and that we will correct our behavior for the future.
We may or may not ask for forgiveness, and we may or may not experience a positive response. In many cases, our changed behavior indicated stronger amends than words could ever be. If we have any expectations of the response to amends, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. And I know that that is true in my own life. I have, for most of the children that I felt that it was necessary, I have made verbal amends.
I have written for those that were out of town. At a time where I felt it was necessary, I, you know, have written it and mailed it off. There are a couple of kids that I really don't feel that I owe an amends to. It's interesting. One of my children joined Al-Anon, and she happened to be one that lived in Cincinnati, and of course she wanted to go to all the meetings that I went to. And I go to a step meeting, my home group's a 12-step study, and we were talking about the ninth step.
And I think I had just sent a letter of amends to one of my sons who lived out of town, and I was sharing it after the meeting, of course. She comes up and goes, I never got a letter of amends. I said, well, yours was really more in change of behavior. But I have a brother who was right behind me in line. And I have to tell you, my mother, we have six in my family, but my mother lost four. And so there's somewhat of a gap between us.
I mean, in my family it's four years, which is a real gap for some of us. And I wasn't thrilled about his coming along, but I, you know, so when he was born, I'm sure I didn't throw a fit, but I made him pay the price for dislodging me from, you know, the baby and the family status. But my two older sisters were pretty good at teasing him, too. But once I got into the program, I recognized because of the urban legend in my family, I was always the one that tortured my brother.
Now, I know today that really wasn't the truth, but that's the story my family likes to tell. I'm not responsible for the story they tell. I'm responsible for the way that I believe it truly happened. And I, one evening, made amends to my brother and told him that I was very sorry that, you know, that I had teased him so unmercifully as a kid and, you know, that I was sure it was jealousy
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and fear and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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And he was, you know, he took it, he kind of laughed it off. But, and I have changed my behavior towards my brother. I changed it, I think, much before I got into Al-Anon. But my brother continues, as do my brothers and sisters. They continue to remind me continually, remember how mean you, I mean, they, it's like they're like dogs with a bone, you know. They just don't want to let it go. And that's all right because I have said to my brother, this is his last trip to New York and he said, oh, and you, you traumatized me as a child and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I said, you know, I've made amends to you for that. And I don't, and I've let it go. I hope you'll be able to one day too. You know, and sometimes, I mean, that's just, you know, you can play the game as long as you want. I just don't like playing the game anymore. I mean, you know, if it works for them, that's fine. But, you know, I, if I expect, if I expect a response, I really am going to set myself up for disappointment.
This one son that I have, he will say to me, you never, you didn't protect me. You didn't protect me. I have made amends to this kid, both verbally and in my behavior towards him. And I have said to him before, I, you know, that I was in a place of fear. I was doing the best that I could, but I recognized that I did not defend him. And I would try to, you know, be a better mother to him and more compassionate and a better advocate, and we had that conversation a long time ago.
He too, though, I mean, he likes to, you know, he likes to bring that up. And that's all right, as long as I don't expect, as long as I don't expect a response from me, what's important is that I know in my heart that I have made those amends, both verbally and in a change of behavior. The key is that we do not avoid making amends in order to spare ourselves discomfort that will only increase our guilt, that will only increase our guilt and prevent our healing.
It is often more difficult to make amends to those closest to us. A commitment to change behavior over time and patience in ourselves and others usually yields positive results in the long run. If we want renewed trust, we have to earn it. Some of our actions cannot be undone. If in our bitterness and frustration we neglected our loved ones, we cannot change our past behavior, but we can pay attention today by being more loving.
And that's an important piece of our literature, I know for me. Once I got into the program and you were the ones that taught me that alcoholism was a disease, that changed things for me in my relationship with my husband. It led me to a change in my action, it led to verbal amends, it led me to always offer when I was going to open AA meetings, always offer to him. I'd say, you know, I'm going to go to this meeting, it's an open meeting, would you like to come?
You know, we say in our closing last night, you know, I always had that hand out to him of recovery. That he chose not to accept it from me really was all right, it was his choice. You are the ones that always told me that people have the right not to recover. They have that right. But a piece of my amends was and continues to be having that hand of help always extended. I know for my kids, and I've said it before, that idea of giving them a healthy parent, encouraging my kids to get to Alateen as a number of them did, continuing to parent them as best I could.
A woman like yesterday said, I hope you tell that story. And I know which one she means. When my husband died, I took the kids to a counselor, a grief counselor of sorts. He was so good because he is the one that said to me, you're understaffed. And, you know, so much, such a better way of looking at things, you know, for me. Instead of continually beating myself for not being able to be a mother father, when that guy said to me, you're understaffed, it was almost like somebody had said to me, give yourself a break.
I'm teaching, you know, I was teaching high school and that's a whole story in and of itself, which is really a miracle. They called me. Rick died in May. They called me in July and said, we understand. You know, would you be interested in teaching one or two classes a day? I know you've got a bunch of little kids there, but, you know, we could maybe get them into a, you know, we can work around that.
We'll give you all your medical. We'll give you everything.
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I'm like, I have this expired teaching certificate for elementary. Like, we don't care. We'll just work around. I mean, it was just like this thing that happened to me. It was miraculous. So I'm teaching at this high school and, of course, the first year I only taught part time. From there on in, you know, it was full time and going to school at night and going to school in the summers and, you know, getting my certification in order and going to meetings.
So, you know, when I talk to people, I go, well, I just don't have time to go to meetings. You know, I just have a, well, maybe they don't, but I know this. I was alone with seven kids under the age of 14. One of them was in rehab. I had to go to school at night and teach during the day. I don't know. I got to meetings. You do what you feel is important. I mean, I can make excuses. I can build a case for myself, but the fact of the matter is I find, always find time to do what I really believe is important.
And because of you, I believed that being in recovery was really, really important. So I got these kids in school and my boys, you know, they're like little comedians. They think all this stuff that they do is funny and I was getting calls from school and one of them finally, the school called me and said, you're going to have to come in and meet with all of your son's teachers and the principal. So I'm like, well, all right, you know, I'll have to meet early in the morning though because I got to get to school myself and they're like, that's great.
So, of course, it's a day when there's this ice storm starting and so I go down the street and I go in and here's my little son. He's a cute little kid. He must have been like 8 at the time and he's sitting at this table and all around the table are his teachers and the principal. Now, I'm a teacher and I don't like that from the get-go. I just don't like that from the beginning. I mean, this kid is overwhelmed with power and authority and I don't like it.
But I always try to be cooperative. So I sit down and, you know, and say what's going on and this teacher says, well, every time somebody in class sneezes, he falls out of his desk. I think that's funny. I mean, I think that's a funny thing for a kid to do. I really do. But I don't say that. I'm like, oh, oh. So then the next teacher says, he's always tapping his pencil on the desk, tapping that pencil, just tapping away.
I'm like, oh, that's serious. I mean, you know. I mean, we just, where I teach, we just had a kid that brought a gun to school but, you know, tapping a pencil, it's okay. You know, and I'm not really, I'm not just throwing this stuff out because I would imagine teaching my kids wouldn't be easy for anybody. But so I'm like around the table and I noticed that my son, you know, as each one goes and even the principal, I will say for her, even she I could see was getting like, come on.
I mean, this is getting a little ridiculous. What do we, you know, but he would just sink a little further in his seat, you know. And this is a funny kid. So finally the principal says, well, you know, Kathy's got to get to school and you all need to get to your classroom. So, you know, I don't know if we've resolved anything today but I'm sure Kathy's willing to work with all of you and I'm like, yeah, I'm willing to work with all of you.
And so off they all go and off goes my little son and I just grabbed him and I said, you come out, you come out to the car with me. So he walks out to the car with me and this ice is now coming down. I put him in the front seat and I said, look, you have to quit screwing around in school. You have to quit screwing around in school. Nobody wants to teach a smart aleck kid, trust me. But I'm going to tell you this, Nick, you're a great kid and don't let this morning discourage you because if anything, Nick, you've got a great sense of humor and you've got a lot of spirit and I don't want to see that dampened.
And your father, wherever he may be today, is proud of you and so am I. So please don't be discouraged. And he looks up at me and he goes, I'm Daniel. Yeah, so, you know, I was like, whatever, okay. You know, I drove back to school thinking, daggone, you know, one of my finest moments and I blow the whole thing, called him the wrong name. But, you know, you can only do the best you can do in giving him a healthy parent, you know.
Another way that I try to make amends to my kids is Another way that I try to make amends to my kids is I stay out of situations which will lead to resentments.
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I never lend my kids money that I expect to get back. I never, you know, I try to show up for them. I try to not have expectations for them. I do have certain rules. My kids know what the rules are. They're not, you know, I don't have a lot of rules but all the kids know, you know, that there are, there are bound, there are borders and they're all right with that. But I really try to stay out of putting myself in a situation that's going to lead to a resentment down the road.
I have tried to support them all in their own recovery just to, I mean, as of today, I have one in AA. I have one who's a very wonderful member of Al-Anon and, you know, I have some that are thinking about it. So that's where I am. I've gone to, you know, everything people have told me to do, I do. I show up for, you know, when teachers call, I am cooperative, I am patient, I'm willing to work with everybody.
I've never had trouble with the court systems. I hear people complain about the court systems. I've never had trouble with court. I have always been willing to work with juvenile authorities. I worked with Cincinnati Police Department. I mean, you know, I just have had a spirit of cooperation which to me is a way of making amends not only to my children but to the community, to the community as well.
I've been in juvenile court so many times actually that there is a young referee down there who when she was having a baby, she sent me an invitation to her baby shower. And I went, you know, I went. So, you know, when this one child of mine was out at this place in Montana, we were, he left in March, I mean, no, he left in January. And it was really nice because all the kids, you know, all my other kids, even the isolated one, you know, they all come together and, you know, wish him well and everybody's, you know, my sister comes over one day with blankets and, you know, thick boots for him because we know he's going to be out in the Rockies.
We have no idea where but it's somewhere in Montana in the Rockies. And she just brought over mittens and gloves and everybody's just contributing to this kid's well-being. My one son looked at this big stack and he said, oh, now here's a great lesson. Screw up, drink, use drugs and you get to go camping in the Rockies. But I'll tell you, in May, they permitted a family visit. In May, they permitted a family visit.
And a friend of my husband's, my late husband's, a friend of his knew that, you know, knew about this deal and he funded me and all of my children, except for Mr. Isolation, to go out to Montana for a surprise visit for Memorial Day weekend. And I want to tell you, it was, to date, the coolest thing my kids and I have done. We flew into Missoula, we rented a van, we drove, you know, the two hours to this remote little town in Montana.
And then we went up to this place where he was and we all hid. And the staff member, who I found to be, I found the staff to be very loving people, you know, they called my son and said, you know, you got to, you have a, you know, you have a message in the office. And he walked in the office and here was his mother and all of his brothers and sisters. I mean, it was, it was so terrific. It really was.
Despite the fact that some of our best vacations have revolved around rehab centers. You know, it was, you know, it was, for me, it was just how, you know, in making amends, in trying to do the best you can, you know, to right those wrongs. It was just, you know, it was just a beautiful moment. But I think those are some of the things that I have had to be willing to do to make those amends to my children, to make those amends to my children, things like that.
Yeah, love them without strings, tell them, you know, as best I can to tell them the truth as I know it without taking responsibility, certainly for their experiences. But I know one thing, I'm always willing to listen to my kids. I'm always willing at least to listen to them. It says in our literature, by facing the harm we have done and finding the most suitable form of amends for the situation, we can clear up whatever mess we have created and leave the past in the past.
I had to make amends to my family and friends as well because to tell you the truth, I said it yesterday, alcoholism really led me into a lot of isolation. And it led me into isolation in that I just could not share with family and friends what was going on because I didn't want to break their hearts.
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I didn't want to tell them what I was living with, not only because what would they think of me if they knew what I was putting up with, but another piece was that I just knew it would make them sad and upset them, especially my mom and dad. Especially my mom and dad. So I had to just almost put up, you know, I just almost had to limit my communication with them so they would never know the depths of my confusion, sorrow and bewilderment.
But what I have done in recovery in order to make a living amends is like that Christmas breakfast that my kids and I put on every Christmas morning, which has been a wonderful coming together of my family and my husband's family. It's just been a joyous occasion. Things like going on that New York trip with my brothers and sisters, that really came as a result, they would never admit it, but it did.
It came as a result of Al-Anon because I made an attempt to communicate with my two sisters and to do something with them, and the brothers really got so jealous they wanted to be included, and that's how this New York thing came up. That's how I make a living amends to my brothers and sisters for those years where I really had to keep them at arm's length because I just didn't want to let them in on what I was living with.
I have every October a woman's party for every woman that I know. I send out these postcards that are called the best and the brightest, the best and the brightest women of Cincinnati, and that's my party every October. And I started out with a small number, and now, I mean, a hundred invitations go out every October from every woman that I know. Some in recovery, some in not recovery, and I'm telling you, a hundred don't show up every October.
But women look forward to it because we celebrate our friendship, and that's the way that I have made a living amends to those friends in my life. I am in a book club. We don't read the book, but we're way too busy to read the book. We talk about the books. We talk about what books might be fun to read, and we pick one, and we've never ever, I mean, we've never read it, but we rarely read it. But these are three friends of mine from grade school that I had lost touch with, and we meet once every six to eight weeks.
We go out for dinner, and we just talk about a book that we might read. That's my book club. I have one member of my group has a son who is a published author, and in one of his stories, we are acknowledged. We are the pathetic book club. That's what we're called. That's what we call ourselves, the pathetic book club. But he has thanked us because he has sent us one of his novels to proofread before, and that one we did read, some of it, some of it.
Anyway, things like that, living amends, I think are important. So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, where am I, where am I? Indirect amends to those who have died or are unavailable can be made by doing good deeds for their family members, making contributions of time or money to a favorite charity, or by treating others as we wish we had treated the departed. Some of us find it useful to write a letter to the person and read it to God or to them in a special place that reminds us of them.
I feel like I already read that. I don't know if I did or not, but I will tell you this. One of the things that I do as a living amends to my husband is I speak to a halfway house of men whenever I'm asked, which is usually once every three months. It's over on the other side of town, and these are men who usually are just out of prison. So it's generally ex-convicts, and originally it was supposed to be that I would come and speak to them and their families who were visiting them.
Well, forget it. For many years as I've been doing it, it's just them, their families don't come, and their families don't come because their families have been deeply wounded. The last time I was there, a man was there, and he said, I'm so mad at my parents. This guy's about 35, and I said, really? And he said, yes. He said, I've been clean and sober for three months now, and they still won't come to see me.
And I said, well, how long were you using? Oh, he said, since I was 14. I wanted to say, well, it might take them longer than three months to get over you, buddy. But then I said, well, you know, whatever. You're powerless. Or I had one guy come up, you could just tell he'd been through the wringer, you know. He's a big, burly guy who'd spent a lot of time in prison, and after I just, you know, gave my little talk, he came up, and he was just in tears, and he said, you know, I've ruined my family's life.
I've ruined my wife's life. I've ruined my children's life. I've ruined everybody's life that I've come into contact with. And I said to him, you're really not that powerful, Bubba. I did. I said, really?
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You're not that powerful. I mean, you can't wreck everybody's life, you know, because there is recovery for them, and that's the truth. There's recovery for us, and I wasn't saying that to be a smart aleck. It's just the truth of the matter. Nobody can wreck my life without my cooperation. And that's really a message that I think that I hear over and over and over again in healthy Al-Anon meetings.
Nobody can wreck my life unless I give them permission, because I have choices today. And that's, but that going to that prospect house is for me a way I continue to make living amends that I could not make to my husband when he was alive. And I think, and I learn a lot from it. In step nine, we learn that by using good common sense, appropriate timing, our sponsor, courage and spiritual faith, we can complete the task assigned by using all of the tools we have learned in the previous steps.
We know that by cleaning our slate, we are now free to continue our journey to step ten. Great. Step ten. Continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. If we've been thorough and honest in our work on step one through nine, we have begun a process to clear away much of the damage of our past. We have turned our defects of character over to a higher power. Now we apply continual effort to changing our old behaviors for the better.
We have begun to take care of ourselves and our needs. Instead of reacting to life and to the alcoholic, we act on our own behalf. With step ten, we try to keep our slates clean in order not to slip back into self-destructive patterns. Slips are especially likely to occur during times of stress when it is natural to retreat into old defensive behaviors. Recovery does not cure us of every human imperfection or eliminate all pain in our lives.
But it does give us the tools to deal with our problems and to continually work to improve ourselves. You know, I have always believed that in my little inventory that I do, I've always believed that it's important to pay attention to the negatives and the positives. And what I have done for years and years and years in my daily inventory is I have always made two columns. I actually put them above and under one another.
And I used to write it all out. I used to write out, not the woman. And today I just write not. And I just list all those behaviors of the day that really are not who I want to be. All those obstacles or recurring patterns, you know, that I slip into that I really would like to, you know, have removed. And so I list those under that not or not the woman. But then I make a list called the woman. And now I just put the.
And I make it a point to list times in the day where I really was who I want to be. You know, I really did have a moment of grace. Or I was compassionate. Or I was willing to listen to someone when I was tired. Or I was patient with a kid, with a student. Or, you know, I didn't say that, you know, smart aleck thing that I wanted to say. I held back. And I asked God to sit on my tongue. I just do that as best I can every day.
It's important for me because I then find myself during the course of the day sharing it with somebody. Because that's how I think that it works when we share our experience and strength and hope to solve our common problem. And so for me then it becomes an inventory that's alive. We're told that the steps should be taken with sincere self-honesty but also with great compassion. And I think sometimes for me I can be my worst enemy and I shoot myself in the foot when I allow that critic that lives in my head, you know, free reign.
Because it doesn't do me any good. It does not do me any good to be that harsh with myself. I say to my students oftentimes, you will never wake up when you're 40 years old and look at yourself in the mirror and say, how did I get to be such a loser? It doesn't happen one day. It happens day by day by day by day. Conversely, you'll never look at yourself in the mirror when you hit 40 and say, wow. You hit 40 and say, wow, I am so richly blessed in my life.
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You get there never accidentally. You get there one day at a time through the choices that you make. And I know that's true in my own recovery. And that's why I believe the daily inventories for me are important. Because I become who I am becoming one day at a time. And I like to pay attention to each of my days. Some days I do well, some days I'm not so hot, believe me. I went to a convention one time and I heard a speaker say that after he had spoken, he said to his sponsor, how did I sound?
Did I sound like I was, did I sound like a know-it-all? Did I sound egotistical? And his sponsor said to him, that's not the question you should be asking. The question you should be asking is, were you a know-it-all? Were you egotistical? And I have to remember that. That's what's important. Not how I looked or how I came across, but what's the truth? What is the truth for me and about me? And I want to pay attention to that one.
And that's why I've said to you before, that's why I always ask myself as well as the women I sponsor that question, you know, who is it that you want to be? What does that wife look like to you or what does that ex-wife look like to you or that mother or that daughter? Because I have to start acting like who it is. I have to have that vision in place. I get my vision of that woman from you. The woman that I want to be today, I go to meetings with.
She is in the room. She is the woman that I sponsor who continues to show up after two huge tragedies in her life in the last two days. She is the woman who buried a son with an unknown, you know, killed by an unknown hand who has turned that around and works with other women who suffer the same grief. People who show up in inclement weather, show up when they have other things to do because they're willing to share their strength, hope and experience with new people.
You know, you are a piece of that vision of the woman that I want to be. I have choices that I can make about that. You know, my husband ran with a wealthy crowd and every once in a while, God love them, they remember me and invite me to one of their parties. And at Christmas time, I got an invitation to go to one of their parties and, you know, it's not beyond me to go to the party and the whole time I'm there.
And they talk about, you know, right after Christmas, boom, they're all in Colorado because most of them have homes in Colorado. And so, you know, I'm always this far away from, you know, I don't want to go to Colorado. Why do I have to work full time? Why do I have kids that aren't going to give me gift certificates to Florida, you know? So, I knew that might happen. So before I went, I sat down with God and I said, look, I don't want to do that because I don't want to be that kind of woman.
I don't want to be a miserable small woman. I really don't. This is how I really want to be. I want to be a woman who goes to that party and is filled with gratitude for these loyal and faithful friends of my husband. I want to go into that party and I want to be so thrilled that their lives are great because my life is great too. I want to go into that party where their kids will be who are highly successful because they've always run with highly successful people.
You know, my kids are slugging away in the coal mines. I want to, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. But I have to take, I really had to take myself aside. And by God, I went to that party. Oh, jeez. I was so happy. I just had a great time. I just, everybody I saw, I hadn't seen in a long time. How are you? How are your kids doing? Oh, that's great. This is the most wonderful party. Thanks for including me.
I'm having so much fun. I had a delightful time. But I had to think before I went, who do you want to be? And then I had to act like her. And you know what? I felt like her. I felt, I was so thrilled by the time I left that. I just thought they were the greatest. I thought I was the greatest. I was happy for their kids. I was happy for my kids. I was just thrilled. It turned out to be a great, great evening.
But that isn't something that always comes naturally to me. And for me, that 10th step, doing those inventories, knowing where those slippery places are for me, I have to know that stuff. I really have to know that stuff. Because I'm the kind of woman that if I have an ache and the doctor gives me a prescription, as soon as I feel better, I quit taking it. Even though it says take these until they're all done, not me, as soon as I start feeling better, I throw away the pills.
I have to pay attention that even when I'm in a good place, taking those daily inventories are very important for me.
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I have to have that daily maintenance. I mean, I believe that we all have a tremendous capacity for good and a capacity to love unconditionally, especially as a parent. There's a fine line for me between parenting my kids and enabling my kids and trying to control my kids. And a daily inventory is necessary. That's all. As we treat ourselves with honesty and compassion, we become capable of extending such treatment to others.
And I believe that's true. I'm speeding along here. Forgive the mistakes of ourselves and others. Saying I'm sorry and never meaning it. I used to do that. I used to say I'm sorry a lot, and I never meant it. You know what? That's changed for me. Because I've simply lost my capacity for lugging that kind of baggage around with me. I mean, my sponsor calls it having a spiritual hangover. And there are times in my life when I simply have a spiritual hangover unless I'm willing to say to people, I'm sorry.
I made a mistake here. I'm sorry. Step 10 really is about holding on to the truth of who I am and then honoring it. I have had to say a number of times as a teacher, when I go into the classroom and the kids will say, Mrs. Heekin, what's wrong? It seems like something's wrong. I always have to say, it's not you, it's me. It's not you, it's me. I always make that clear to my students. When something's troubling me, and if I go in and if there's a peek, kids are just, they pick it up immediately.
I always have to say, it's not you, it's me. And if I snap at them, I apologize. Because I have always maintained, there's no reason for adults to snap at kids. I mean, they're kids. I've gone into faculty rooms before, and I've heard grown teachers say, and then I said to him, well, you just sit in the back of the room, and I think, you're 35. They're 15. I mean, come on. Who wants to win that battle?
Who wants to be in that battle? Not me, not me. So I think that that's important. There have been times when I've crossed the line with my students, I always talk to my students about the line. And I have no hesitation in apologizing to them. And the same had to be true in raising my kids. For me, what were my motives? Because from where I sat oftentimes, I knew that people were critical of the way I was raising my kids.
I mean, my mother would always say, why don't you just crack that kid in the head? I mean, she just believes that that takes care of everything. So in my parenting, I had to always think, you know, am I doing this because it's what's good for my child, or am I doing this to try to look good? I mean, I used to think that all the parents who sent their kids to school with mine would say to their children in the morning, now, honey, remember, study hard, look both ways before you cross the street, don't get into a car with strangers, and don't play with those Hekin kids.
I mean, I was convinced that that's what parents said. So I had to make sure that what I was doing, I was doing from a place of love and concern for my children, not just trying to look good. The 10th Step keeps me in the ballgame, I believe. It's a daily commitment to continue this healing, what for us is a very healing and a life-affirming process. You know, my mother always says, why do you keep going to those meetings?
Rick is dead. I go, mom, I go because I'm not. And that's the most honest answer I can give her. OK, moving right along here. You know, I had a son that decided to go in the military, and today he has a helicopter with the United States Army. And I was just sure it was a huge mistake, huge mistake, when he called me and said, I've joined the Army. Well, I just was speechless. I was just speechless.
I didn't know what to say. I started immediately thinking, if Com Air had a direct flight from Cincinnati to Leavenworth, I mean, that was my first thought. I just couldn't believe it. I just thought it was a huge mistake. But you know, that kid went ahead and joined the military because he was over 18, without my say so. And he went down to Fort Polk, Oklahoma. No, not Fort Polk. He eventually went to Fort Polk.
Before that, he went to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. And he was the honor graduate for his class. He was the top graduate. And when I went down for his graduation, I mean, you would have thought he was a four-star general. I mean, kids are like, there's the honor graduate. There's the honor graduate. And I thought, well, being inducted has to be better than
[00:40:02]
being indicted, I suppose. I suppose. And he wasn't there long when a kid who was sitting across from him at breakfast started to choke on a piece of sausage, and was really choking. And my son jumped across the table, or got across the table, and gave him the Heimlich maneuver. You know, Dr. Heimlich is from Cincinnati. Gave him the Heimlich maneuver. And when he called me to tell me that, because his reward was a little medal and 33 minutes of phone time, when he called me to tell me that, I was so thrilled for him.
When I got off the phone, I thought, you know, admitting that you're wrong, what in the world do I know about God's plan for my kids? For all I know, the whole reason for my child to be in the United States Army was so that one August morning, he would be at a table in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and would be sitting across from some mother's son who was choking to death on a piece of sausage. What do I know?
I mean, what a lesson that has been for me. Speaking of lessons, this step 11 goes on to say, well, as we work step 10 on a regular basis, we will continue to turn to our higher power for help. When we inventory our day, we admit our shortcoming to God, become ready, and then humbly ask God to remove them. We list the people we've harmed, and we make the appropriate amends. In taking our step 10 inventories, we are actually using all the previous steps, remembering to treat ourselves with compassion and love.
Because we've experienced the pain caused by our shortcomings, we do not want to return to them. We keep working our programs if the quality of our lives depends on it, and it does. Completing steps four through nine does not ensure that our lives now be totally serene and free of problems. There will be times when we may feel like we're back in our first day in Al-Anon with every single character defect unaltered.
But working step 10 helps us keep our bad times fewer and farther between. Continuing to take personal inventory keeps our slates clean and maintains our spiritual, emotional, and physical health to better deal with the rough times that occur in everyday life. Quite honestly, steps 11 and 12 for me, you know, you hear that 10, 11, 12 are called maintenance steps. And I spend a lot of my time with 11 and 12 just at this point in time.
And I think that's because that's just because that's where I am right now today. That's all I can tell you. I'm not even really good when it comes to talking about step 11. As a matter of fact, on Tuesday in my home group, we were on step 11, and I just passed. I don't usually do that. But sometimes it's such a big step for me, I don't even know how to articulate it. I said to Paula early, 6 and 7 are difficult for me to talk about as well, because it's so hard to describe like an attitude or, you know what I mean, just a place where you come in your spiritual life to talk about becoming entirely ready and humbling as God.
I don't really have the words to adequately describe it. And I'll be honest, I really don't with step 11 either. I was just underlining parts in this book that I thought were important. And you can see them as the whole book is underlined, because I don't know how better to say it. So I think I'm just going to skip that piece and just say this to you, that everybody does this differently. I mean, everybody prays differently, and everybody meditates differently.
But it really is simply about seeking through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out. It's just so simply stated. And how we do it is just your own way. But I know this, it is critical for me to carve out of my day. Quiet time to pray. I have been at meetings where I've heard people say, well, you know, I do my best praying while I'm driving.
And I think, oh, that's interesting. There should be no gossip or criticism in this program. But I mean, if I had to rely on a relationship with God that took place in my automobile while I was driving on Interstate 75, I would have not much of a relationship. Because I believe that we are invited into an intimate relationship with God. And intimacy, for me, is always going to mean time. I was down in Texas one time speaking at an AA convention, and there was a fellow out of Chicago, an elderly gentleman with many, many years.
is I believe, and still very, very active, but he spoke about two hours a day in prayer
[00:45:03]
and meditation. And I remember at the time thinking, two hours, well I just would never have two hours. And at the time I still don't have two hours, but just listening to him made me think about increasing the time that I was using because, you know, just a few minutes a day is simply not, it's not enough for me. And over a period of time I have just gradually changed the way I do it so that I, so that it works for me.
I have learned to pray in a lot of different ways that work for me. I mean, I learned to pray with my hands open because I, you know, in times of trouble, when I pray that way I just imagine the hand of God in mine that seems to work. I swim, I have a routine, I get up at five o'clock in the morning and I swim. And for me, swimming back and forth, and I've done it for years, it is just a very quiet meditative time.
Now that's not my only quiet time, but for some years when I had a house full of kids, that was the only time I could get away. And that water was very, very good for me and it still is today. There is a sign on my way to the Y where I swim, it's a woman that's a breast cancer survivor, she owns a restaurant and she put a big poster, big outside of her restaurant, it says, don't postpone joy. And I read that every morning on my way to that old YMCA in the city.
Don't postpone joy. It's not part of our program, but I have worked with a spiritual director for years, just for years. It's part of my own faith tradition. I know women who do all kinds of things, who do yoga, who do whatever works for them, who take walks, who meditate in nature, everybody's got their own way of doing it. I don't bring those methods into my meetings because I think they can confuse the newcomer.
But outside of meetings, I'm always willing to share with people what I do. Spirituality is about recognizing the presence of God in my life and it's about recognizing the grace of God in my life. And how you do that, I think, is very, very personal and yet it's hugely, hugely important. I do not wear my spirituality on my sleeve. I'm just one of those people that it's just, for me, a very private thing, any more than I would share the intimate details of a relationship with, you know, with a large group.
I just, you know, I just don't do that. But I know this, and I've said it before, alcoholism broke my heart. I mean, it broke my heart. But it was through that break in my heart that the hand of God reached in and healed me from the, really, the hand of God slipped in and healed me from the inside out. In Celtic spirituality, they talk about thin moments and they're referring to those thin moments between the natural and the divine, and I find my thin moments at my meetings.
I just simply find the word of, the voice of God coming to me through the wisdom of the men and women with whom I recover. I hear that idea that all is well, all the time, in the people that I know. I spoke to you about my friend's dream of her mother saying, you know, it all makes sense from here. I have friends in Cincinnati whose daughter teaches English as a second language in Japan, and over Christmas she went to Indonesia to, for a vacation, and she and her boyfriend were scuba diving when that tsunami hit, and they were, you know, certainly tossed around a little bit, but when they surfaced, the island where they had stayed was decimated.
Now, how does that work, you know? How does that work, that they just happened to be scuba diving? I have no idea, and I don't even pretend to figure it out. All I do believe in is a mystery. There is a mystery, and I don't know the answers, but I do know this. I believe through prayer and meditation, and through my own faith life, I believe in a God who either shields us from suffering or gives us unfailing strength to bear it, and I do, you know, I certainly have known that.
I used to believe, Paula reminded me of this the other day, I haven't said it in a while, but I grew up believing in a God of success. I believed in a God who would always be with me if I did things right, if I got things perfectly, if I was, you know, followed the rules, and what I have come to believe in
[00:50:03]
really is a God of brokenness, because that is where I have met the God of my understanding, in my brokenness and in my failure and in my powerlessness. I have, since I came into this program, I have been surrounded by God in the men and the women that I work with, in the men and women that I have gone to meetings with and continue to recover with. I work with absolutely the most wonderful people in the city of Cincinnati.
They are kind, they are compassionate, they are constantly reaching out to me, and always have every step of the way. I have a football coach that the day I had to put my son on a plane for God knows where, the football coach came after school with a little meditation book and a serenity candle. I mean, this is a guy that terrifies half the population of the high school where I teach, and there he is on my porch with this little serenity book and a little candle and he just said, I'm praying for you.
I mean, I have been met after a kid has been arrested, of course, at the church festival, and of where else, you know, and of course they don't take him in, they keep him in the squad car for two hours so that everybody can see him in the back, but, you know, and next day at school, one of the people in the parish who teaches with me brought me a muffin and just said, I hope today is better than yesterday.
I teach with this elderly brother, this elderly, elderly brother who, he goes to this little abbey, St. Minerad's, and there's a little chapel out in the woods and he wrote me a note one day that he had, he wrote me a note and said, another candle burns for your son at St. Minerad's in the woods. I mean, I'm just so touched by how wonderful people have been to me in my life. I really, I really have been, and the same little brother printed out for me this little prayer, I wrote it down here, and it says, if I should pass the tomb of Jonah, I think I would stop there for a while, because I was swallowed once deep in the dark and came out alive after all.
He really knows nothing about, you know, the struggle, but he sensed that I needed that that day. You know, I can't teach anybody how to meditate, I'm always trying to learn how to do it, but God knows there, and it's in these books and it's our literature, there are just so, so many ways to do it, there are just so many ways to do it. I'm just going to go over a little bit, if you don't mind, and then I'm going to end.
I made a decision about a year and a half ago that came to me that I really needed to take some quiet time out, a good chunk of time, and go away and pray. And I didn't know how I was going to do it, I didn't really know how I was going to afford it, but my youngest son was going to be a senior in college, and I thought, and he was turning 21, and I thought, that's the time to do it. He was going to, through his university, go over to Europe, and I thought, that's great, he'll be in Europe, I'm going to load up my little Volkswagen and I'm going out to California.
And so that was the plan, and I'll rent my house, that's how I'll afford this. Well, my house never rented, and my son got turned down because of a drinking infraction. They wouldn't take him to Europe, which is interesting because I've had other kids that were taken who were huge drinkers, and this kid isn't, he just, I hate to, I mean it sounds like I'm in denial, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, nonetheless.
But I still believe that that's what I was supposed to do, and it just, you know, I believe a lot for me of prayer is keeping your ear to the ground, you know, it's just keeping your ear to the ground and paying attention to the voice of God in those quiet times and those quiet places within your lives. And so what happened simply was this, I got hooked up with nuns one more time in Southern California and Central California and Northern California who took me in.
They took me in, and because they knew I, you know, I taught in Catholic school because they knew that my plans to rent my house fell through, they just gave me scholarships left and right, and I spent January through the beginning of May in retreat houses all along the coast of California with nuns. It was just absolutely wonderful, I mean when I got there I just slept for 13 and 14 hours at a time.
They took me in and they just, they just couldn't have, couldn't have done enough for me, how blessed that I was. And I think that it worked out because I think for me it was, it was just simply God's will.
[00:55:05]
And as we say, things just come together, things come together. I teach with a man from Spain and he always is offering us his family's home outside of Madrid when he's not there. Well that's crazy because we're all teach together and when we're not teaching he's over in his family home in Madrid. So this friend of mine said, hey, now's the time you ought to take Tito up on his offer and go stay at his family house in Madrid.
So I went to him and I said, you know, I'm going to be on sabbatical, and he goes, oh Kathy, go to my house in Madrid, and I did. So I went, I did. I flew over to Madrid and found my way to his little village and I stayed in his little, you know, house with all of his brothers and sisters who lived in the village. And they didn't speak a word of Spanish. Everybody said you don't have to, everybody speaks English.
Not true. They all spoke, none of them did. They all spoke Spanish. But I had a little book with me and it was just, it was just lovely. It was just lovely. People have said to me, oh, I wish I could do that. Do it. That's what I say. Well, do it. What are you waiting for? Do it. If that's what you're called to do, do it. Because I got news. If I could do it, you could do it. And it's just, you know, it's just what I think, you know, Mary said it to me yesterday, you know, the only thing that limits us is our imagination.
It's the only thing, you know, that living a life too small, living a life too small. But I will say this, that I, from the outside I think our lives, you know, look harsh. But I'll tell you, the 11th step keeps me passionate, just keeps me passionate about the unfolding of the truth in my own life. I was at mass last Sunday and this priest, this little visiting priest said, you know, God works in centuries.
And I thought to myself, you know, that's true. I have to remind myself of that. It's a very mysterious thing, but that brings me to step 12. It can be said that the entire Al-Anon program is summed up in step 12. We acknowledge the results of our efforts, a spiritual awakening, commit ourselves to sharing the gifts we have received and recognize the living, that living a spiritual life is an ongoing process.
We have found a new way of life in Al-Anon and to keep what we have found, we have to continue appreciating the gift and giving it away. The three parts of, the three parts of step 12 raise the following question. What is a spiritual awakening? How can we try to carry this message? And what are these principles that we practice in all our affairs? I was invited to, a woman that I, in college, I fixed this woman that I know up with a guy that I knew and they got married.
And their kids were giving them, they live in Detroit, their kids were giving them a 25th wedding anniversary, I guess it was back in 96 or so, and it was a big surprise. And so I went up and surprised them and it was so cool. But I didn't really know a lot of their Detroit friends, of course, but so while I was there, their kids had put all these pictures out, you know, of their family from their first years of marriage all the way up to their 25th wedding anniversary.
So there were boards and boards and boards of pictures, happy family, everybody carving the pumpkin, happy Thanksgiving, you know, and I'll tell you, I was looking at the pictures and I was thinking, man, alcoholism sucks. I was looking at these pictures and I was like, geez, when I look at my picture albums, I mean, some of them are too painful because they remind you of what was going on when you were trying to smile bravely.
I mean, remember when you were trying to smile bravely? Oh, these pictures. And I just thought to myself, man, alcoholism takes its toll. What a family disease. This Christmas, I had this brilliant idea which backfired on me that I would take all my picture albums and split them up into eights, you know, and I'd make an album for this kid and just to get rid of those picture albums. And my girls said that they would help me, but that's before we had this huge snowstorm and nobody could get in on time.
When I was going through all those pictures, I'll tell you what, just this three or four weeks ago, you know, there was so much goodness there. And I think that's just where I am today. There's so much goodness. And what I really noticed it was, since recovery… Noticed It Was. Since recovery, since 1982, the pictures look different to me. They look good. They look, you know, we are happy. You know, in spite of it all, the hand of God
[01:00:02]
is at work. As we continue to practice the principles in our lives, my family has really, even in, even in the vestiges of alcoholism, by God, we have come a long, long way. And I am really, I mean, that to me is a spiritual awakening. Being cognizant and recognizing the spirit of God and God's hand in my life every step of the way. That idea that God is so much bigger than my choices, so much bigger than my mistakes. You know, to believe in a God who is on my side, a God who sits with me. It's just, you know, it's a tremendous, it's just a tremendous gift. I know I've told you the story because it's a St. Louis story that when my daughter graduated from SLU back in 90, whenever she graduated, the woman that was giving the commencement speech, she was telling all of us who were sitting there that her son was so anxious to recite the Lord's Prayer for her because he had just learned it in school and he kept bugging her about it and finally she said, all right, all right, all right, let's hear it. And he stood up tall in front of her and he said, Our Father who art in heaven, how'd you know my name? And I'll tell you, that just blew me away because for me, spiritual awakening has been a belief in a God who knows my name, who knows exactly what I need and who gives it to me one day at a time. Strength for the day, that's what I have learned in this program, that as trite as it sounds, God has never given me a day that is too big for me and for God. It just has not happened. Well, you know, Step 12, it's just one of those steps that you could, I mean, all of us could just talk forever and ever about it. Sponsorship, you know, that carrying the message. Sponsorship is just one of the ways that we carry the message because there's that old saying that, you know, if you don't give it away, you'll lose it. And for me, you know, it's a critical part of my own recovery. When I hear people say, well, I really can't sponsor because I really don't know that much. It's, you know, I have such little patience with that kind of thinking because it's not about how smart any of us are. I mean, I'm not kidding when I say, I'm really, I mean, I go to meetings all the time with giants, really. I'm just one of, you know, thousands of other women who just try to get this, you know, who try to work, try to practice these principles in all my affairs, no better than worse than most. But if I thought that I had to get it right, if I thought I had to be an expert in 12 steps, I would never sponsor somebody. But my understanding was not that that's what it was about. It was about being willing to share your experience with somebody else.
That's what it was about. It's never about giving advice or being, you know, psychoanalyzed or any of that stuff. So for me, carrying the message, a big piece of that is sponsoring. But it's also being sponsored. It's also going to meetings and it's also having commitments. Practice, practice, practice. That's all I know. I don't know. I can tell you this sweet little story. I'll tell you two little stories and then I'm just going to end just because I don't want to, just because I think that I should really. When I was in college, I went out with this guy, Irish kid, just the nicest guy in the whole world. I mean, he would send, I mean, in college, he would send you flowers if he thought you were having a bad day. I mean, he was just a sweetheart of a guy. And we went out, you know, on and off for, you know, well, sophomore, junior, senior year, you know. I just loved the guy.
He was as sweet as he could be. But, you know, then this Marine Corps pilot came into my life and, whew, you know, exciting, daredevil, cocky, knew everything. Wow. And I made a decision. But I always kind of kept track of that nice little guy, you know, because we went with other friends to see how he was doing because he was such a sweetheart of a guy. And as a matter of fact, when I had my last child, I named my last child after that guy because he was just so kind. And my hope was that my youngest boy would grow
[01:05:03]
up to be as kind of a man as he was and is. And that's turned out. That's turned out. My youngest son is just dull. They all are. And that's a gift to the program. I love my kids. And the bonus is that they love me. And that's because of you because you taught me how not to be a nag. You taught me how to love them with open hands. That's a tremendous gift that you gave me. So this guy called me after Rick died. And he wrote me a beautiful note. He was living in California at the time. And he was going to be back in the Midwest for a reunion. And so he called me and he came over. And, of course, you know, yak, yak, yak, as we always would do when we'd run into each other. And we just kept up a correspondence. But he was in California and I was in Cincinnati with seven kids under the age of 14. And I'll tell you, people would say to me, well, maybe you'll remarry. Well, that never sounded like a good idea to me. And even my father would say, never trust a man who would date a woman with seven kids. But, you know, I knew that I had, I had a plate full. And that was just about all I could do was to take care of those kids. And introduce anybody else into that picture would not have been a good idea. And I believe that I made a very, very good decision about that. I also happen to be a woman that loves being single. That's just the way that it is. That's all. So I raised those kids. And about four or five years ago, I got a letter in the mail from this delightful man. And he said, I, you know, I don't know if you're remarried or what's going on with you, but I've moved back to the Midwest. And if you're free, you know, maybe we could just meet, you know, periodically. He lived about two hours away. Maybe we could just meet periodically and have dinner. And I thought, well, that sounds like a great idea. You know, that sounds like a really good idea. And so we did that. You know, we just started to do that. And it was just, we just always had so much fun that he just made a decision, much to my chagrin, to move to Cincinnati. You know, and I was like, all right, you can move here, but I'm only seeing you on Wednesday night. You know, I'm like, okay, but, you know, don't expect much from me because I really like being a single person. I like being free and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I'll tell you, if you, there are some times, and he's in Cincinnati, and we just have this relationship, this wonderful relationship that really is just, it's strictly, I know, a gift from God.
And there are times when I'm having dinner with him and I just get into this thing and he'll go, what's the matter? What are you looking at? What's wrong? And I'm staring at him because I cannot believe that this, that 35 years later, I'm sitting across the table from the kindest man that I've ever known in my life and who my youngest son is named after. Do you know what I mean? Now, I don't know if that will ever happen to you or not, but I know this, it happened to me. It happened to me. My life, well, my life has been, in spite of everything that has happened, that is happening, and that could happen down the road, my understanding of God has grown by leaps and bounds. There have been miracles in my life that not only did I not expect, I wouldn't even have asked for.
Things that have come true for me that I could not have known or expected. And it really is a result of the spiritual program that Al-Anon offers us. I'll close with this story. I close with it all the time. I was on retreat one time and I heard this story. And it is about Buddhist monks who used this wonderful, beautiful chalice in their ceremonies and it was encrusted with jewels and made of gold. And one of the monks, in getting it down from the shelf where they kept it, dropped it and it broke. Oh, yes, all the monks are like, Oy vey, what are we going to do now? This thing is in pieces, you know? So they gather up all the pieces and they are trying to glue them back together and it just can't be done.
And so they take it to the artesian of the village. And he thinks, he looks at it and he welds it back using gold, fixes it all, gets it all back in one piece. And now the monks have a chalice that is more valuable than when they started out. And when I heard that story, it reminded me of myself. Alcoholism broke me into pieces. And it took a valuable
[01:10:05]
life and shattered it. And yet you, through your willingness to share your strength, your hope and your experience, you brought me back together with the gold of your love. And today I am of more value than I have ever been before as a result of your great, great care. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Thank you very much for this opportunity.