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Source: Kathy H – 12 Step Serenity Weekend 2023 Speaker Meeting – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kathy-h-12-step-serenity-weekend-2023-speaker-meeting-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:01:57
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Hi everybody, my name is Kathy and I'm recovering one day at a time in the Worldwide Al-Anon Family Groups. Can we just begin with a serenity prayer? Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you. I would first of all like to start out by thanking Deedee for the invitation to come to speak. Actually when she called me I thought, Cleveland, January, that's not going to happen. But it did, I mean I just you know, the weather worked out, it just has been wonderful. And the other thing I like to start out with is to ask you all to lower your expectations because you'll be disappointed and then I'll feel like a fraud. So just, you know, this is the thing I find that's true about Al-Anon is that, and we were talking about it at lunch today, it really doesn't matter how long any of us have been in, we just keep coming back one day at a time, don't we? And the beauty of the program is that we come in, you know, the 12th tradition, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminded us to place principles above personalities. But when I first came into Al-Anon, I was taught that anonymity was the idea that the staff of the beggar and the scepter of the king were left at the door, which means we all come in here as equals, you know, on a spiritual path.
You know, I was looking at, I love all these things that are, that someone made, but the one with fear in my group, we say fear stands for frantic effort to appear recovered. So the other thing that I want to say is, and I mean this sincerely, I am so moved by your, I mean, the participation in this, your 37th Serenity Weekend. I mean, I've heard 10 just wonderful stories on each of the first 10 steps, and the discussions have been great.
I mean, there's just so much cooperation here. And sometimes for me, it's just so discouraging when it's hard to find somebody that's, you know, even willing to read the welcome at a meeting. I'm like, really? I mean, come on. But anyway, I could go on about that. So it's great to meet in person once again. I mean, because so many of these have been postponed because of COVID, but here we are, and even though 10% of us will leave with COVID, it's just so nice.
Really? And, you know, we talk a lot about Zoom, and I mean, wow, during the pandemic, when we were all shut down, Zoom was wonderful, but I am not great at Zooming because this is what happens to me when I'm on a Zoom meeting. You know, I'll be on the Zoom meeting, I have my video going, and I'll be listening, and then Martha will share, and I'm like, oh, my God, here we go. So I turn off my video, and I go make a bed, you know, and then I come back, and Martha's still talking, so I empty the dishwasher. I mean, I just get so distracted. But the truth is, in Cincinnati, we do, you know, we're back to meeting in person, but there are still, you know, Zoom meetings that take place, and I was telling somebody there's a Saturday morning meeting in Cincinnati, which is Zoom, because it used to meet at the Veterans Hospital, and they, you know, kicked us out, and we've never been able to get back in.
So that's a meeting that I do attend, but, oh, my God, not very well. So thank God I have, you know, other in-person meetings, including my home group, the Fifth Tradition meeting, which meets on Wednesday mornings at 930. And for that, I am very, very grateful. Having said that, I have a dear friend in Florida who is MS and who is confined to a wheelchair, and she, you know, we talk often, and she says, I don't know what I'd do without Zoom, because I can't get out. I just can't get out. But I think what's important for me and what I found the very first night I came into Al-Anon was this, that I'm responsible for my own recovery. And so I have to choose about how committed I am to this spiritual program
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that has been offered to me and that continues to be offered to me, because the men and women like you show up, and, I mean, on Zoom or in person, you show up, and you're always willing to share honestly and truthfully your journey in recovery. And that is incredible to me, because I don't recover in a meeting. I recover outside of a meeting when I'm actually practicing the principles. What I get in the meeting is the hope of recovery as you share with me how you're living this new life. I get that hope that enables me to get out and actually live it in my own life. And so I'm a big proponent of that we bring our recovery, we bring our solutions to the meetings, and we, you know, we take our problems to our sponsors.
But this is the other thing I'm going to say about Zoom. I know I sound like I'm anti-Zoom, and I'm really not, but I am kind of. Beginners. I mean, it's maybe, well, there is nothing that can replace, I don't think, when our beginners come in as they've started to come back again for a meeting. There's nothing like going up to a beginner after the meeting and putting your hand on his or her shoulder and saying, I hope I see you next week. Keep coming back. You know that we've been there. We really hope we see you again. And the other thing that I love about meetings, we were just talking about this in my meeting on Wednesday morning, there's nothing that can replace when someone's sharing to see other people in the room nod and like, yeah, yeah, yeah, get that. We get that. It's just, well, it's just so, it's so enriching. It enriches my spiritual life. I've had two sons of mine appear in a court of law in handcuffs and shackles. There's no inoculation for that kind of pain. There just isn't. But what does not help me is when someone comes up to me and says, oh, they're just working on their lead. That doesn't help me. But this is what helps me. When you come up to me and you put your arm on my shoulder and you say, Kathy, it's tough. I've had kids in jail. That's not easy. But aren't you glad you don't have to do it alone? And that's what I've heard this weekend over and over again with all of you is the we of this program. I have a good friend who's a 911 operator. And when she was in training, or part of her training, actually after she'd been a 911 operator for a while, she was taught that if somebody calls on the phone, and she has had this happen more than once, and they are the wounded person or the injured person, if they say to them, hang on. Help us on the way. You're going to be okay. Hang in there. I'll stay on the phone with you. But someone's coming to get you. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. They have been told that the chances of that injured person of making it are increased just by that encouragement. And when she told me that story, I thought, you know, that reminds me so much of Al-Anon. Because when people come in, and even those of us who have been around and we just hit, you know, a bad patch in our lives, to have you come up to me and say, you know, Kathy, you're going to be all right one day at a time. You're going to be okay. We're all here for you. And we will be here for you. That's huge. And that's just what has come up for me since I've been with you since Friday night. So thank you very much. Oh, Lord. Anyway, I'll try to go quick because I just get excited, that's all. But sometimes I'm at a convention and a speaker has been droning on for like 65, 75 minutes and they'll say, oh, I've been taking too much of your time. And, you know, 80% of the people go, no, keep talking. I'm the 20% that says, you're right, just sit down. I've got to go to bed.
Anyway, so I came out of, you know, I like to say I came from a middle, from middle America. Middle America, middle class, middle child. And that's, you know, right in the Midwest. And honestly, I love being from the Midwest. Because I feel like, I mean, how can I say this? There's just so many, there's so many similarities, I think,
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between those, among those of us who are raised and live in the Midwest. I don't know what it is, if we have a farm mentality or what, but it's just an, I never regret having been born and raised and continue to live in Ohio. Never once. And especially since the Bengals are doing so well. I have to say, you know, it's the funniest thing. I had a meeting at a bookstore and they're selling t-shirts. This is crazy. It says, keep, what's the saying?
Keep calm and carry on and hate the Steelers. And I thought, what? It has nothing to do with Al-Anon. Total outside issue. Who cares about the Steelers? But anyway, so I grew up in a family where I always felt secure. I felt loved. Mother and father who adored one another. Always knew that that was the major relationship in the family, was my mom and dad. They loved us as kids, but we always came in second. I mean, I did not grow up in a child-centered culture.
I grew up in a place where it was children should be seen and not heard. And that's just the way it was. Sometimes if I go to a meeting and I'll hear someone say, well, I came from a family where we weren't allowed to feel our feelings. Well, neither was I. I mean, nobody I knew was allowed to feel their feelings because they didn't really care how you felt. They had just come through a depression in World War II. Did they care about my feelings? No, not really. But they loved me.
They loved me. They gave me an education. Over 16 years, I was educated by Catholic nuns. And I actually had wonderful nuns. I mean, they were really good, kind, loving, except for a couple. They were just really good, kind, loving women. But they always taught us the importance of putting yourself last. We had a little nun that would say, the secret to joy is Jesus, others, yourself. And so it was very clear to me as a kid, well, particularly as a girl, I think, that, you know, we were supposed to do for others.
It didn't really matter how I was feeling. What was important was how you were feeling. That's what was important. And, you know, I have said this a zillion times now since I heard it, but one time somebody was interviewing Dr. Bob and they asked him if he could sift the program of Alcoholics Anonymous down to its finest form, what would it be? And he said, oh, it would be love and service. And I thought, well, that's what the nun said.
And look where it got me. The other thing about my family is I'm one of six. And they're really funny people. I mean, my parents were really funny. My dad died fairly young for our family. He died at 78. But I'll tell you a story I always tell about him quickly. He was only one of three. And he had a sister who had eight kids. She died young on the operating table and left her husband with eight kids.
And then he had a brother who never married. And this brother who never married was really involved in the Hibernians. If you're familiar with the Hibernians, the ancient order of the Hibernians, he was president of the Hibernians. Cincinnati, you know, they kidnapped the statue of St. Patrick's right before St. Patrick's Day. And then it miraculously appears at the forefront of the St. Patrick's Day parade in downtown Cincinnati, which is one of the largest St. Patrick's Day parade, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he has a massive heart attack at 48.
Well, he did. So anyway, we're at the funeral home. How can this be funny? Because I'm Irish. So we're at the funeral home. And, you know, I go in. And the Hibernians are all there dressed up in their outfits and their swords and things. And I see my dad up at the casket standing there, you know, open casket. There he is standing in front of his only brother dead at 48. And I went up to him and I said, Dad, wow, the Hibernians have done such a wonderful job of planning this whole wake.
They're going to say a rosary in about 30 minutes. And Dad said, that's nothing. At dawn, they're going to execute a Protestant. And honest to God, I mean, that really is my family. I mean, it's just like everything is funny and nothing's taken seriously. My mother, we thank God she didn't miss the pandemic. She died just short, nine days short of her 102nd birthday. I know, but no. I know, but no, she really would be the first to tell you she had a wonderful life.
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She had a wonderful life. But when she was about 98, 99, she knew that she needed to go into independent living. So she sold the old house we lived in. She went into independent living. And she said to me one day, they had to do their own breakfast, their own lunch, but they had a dinner that was paid for. So you would go down every night to have a dinner with a group. And she kind of ended up sitting with the same group of women.
And there was one woman at the table who was really a pain in the neck. Mom said, she's such a pain in the neck. She gossips. She complains. So one evening after this gossip woman left, the woman next to my mother said, don't worry about Eve. You'll really like her once you get to know her. And my mother said, I don't have that kind of time. So I really could go on about my family, but I don't want to.
Except for this one thing. We minimize. I mean, we blow things off. Like my dad, you know, with this funny thing about the, you know. We were never taught, like, to dwell on anything that was serious or just always turned into kind of a funny story. And every one of my brothers and sisters, almost every one of them, has really known real tragedy in their life. But you would never know it because they're so lighthearted about it.
My brother last week, and I'm his health care attorney or whatever I am, not attorney, but his health care advocate, I had no idea he was in the hospital for two days because of his heart. I didn't know that. He's a younger brother. My youngest brother is the one that told me. And I said, what? Wasn't he going to tell any of us he's in the hospital? He said, well, you know how we are. No. So I texted this goofy brother in the hospital, and I said, hey, if you don't tell me that you're in the hospital, how am I supposed to know when to pull the plug on you?
I mean, come on. So that's the end of that. Anyway, so here I am, and I went to school in Cincinnati, grade school, high school, college, and I was telling people I went to school with a lot of gals from Cleveland, and they still are today. Some of my best friends from school, the Cleveland girls. And while I was in college, I was going out with this really nice guy from Indianapolis. He was the kind of guy that would send you flowers for no reason to your dorm, and he was just really sweet.
But in the summers when he was home in Indianapolis, a girl that I kind of knew called me and she said, Kathy, my brother's coming to town. He's down in Meridian, Mississippi. He's doing flight training with the Marines. I've fixed him up with everybody I've been able to. I have no one left. Would you be willing to go out with him? For somebody like me, I have an addiction to approval. That's what my addiction is to.
My addiction is to approval. So I thought, well, certainly I will go out with him. Of course I will. So he came into town for Labor Day weekend and I went out with him, and I was just, oh, my gosh, I was just so in awe of him. Because he was, you know, I've heard women say, and I always love alcoholics. Well, I don't. But what I do love are outrageous people, and oftentimes outrageous people happen to be alcoholics.
But anyway, he was the kind of guy that just, you know, he walked into a room with his little flight jacket on, and he just was so sure of himself, it seemed to me. He said exactly what was on his mind, and here I am always, you know, always censoring my speech, never wanting to say anything that might offend you, never wanting to hurt your feelings, making sure that you are happy, keeping things to myself.
You know, the nuns, and they're pushing that silent suffering, you know. It's got to be silent, otherwise it doesn't count. It's all for naught. So I just was so taken with him. And so we started this long-distance relationship. And what I noticed, I noticed the drinking because, I mean, I'm 19, 20 years old, and we're still down there in Cincinnati with our little 3-2 beer, you know, and plastic cups, useless.
And he is, I don't mean useless, but I mean it's kind of watered down,
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which was fine for most of us, but he's drinking bourbon. I'm like, oh my God, this guy is so mature. And so what I noticed more than that was he was always angry about something. And you never knew what was going to set him off. It was like being with a live grenade. It's the only way I can describe it. And you never knew what or who or what situation was going to pull the plug. So I started, I thought, getting very good at making the rough road smooth, of trying to stay one step ahead of whatever was going to set him off.
I was pretty sure it wasn't me that was causing it, but I was certain that it was up to me to fix it, to take care of it. When I taught high school, we had a little group of high school kids. It wasn't an alleteen meeting per se, but it was run by the guidance department. It was kind of like that. So at one of our meetings, this little Katie, darling girl, came from an alcoholic family. She said, I hate when they say that alcoholism is a disease, like diabetes or something.
And I said, well, Katie, who would better describe it for you? And she said, I think it's a lot more like rabies. And I thought to myself, well, isn't that true? Because honestly, when it came to our home, it didn't matter who was bitten first. We all ended up foaming at the mouth, you know? So there you go. Anyway, so I'm in Chicago at this time teaching school. He's moved from Meridian to Beeville, and now he's in Cherry Point, North Carolina, and long-distance dating.
And I think he's great, but I'm a little nervous about some aspects of him. But I'm pretty sure I can take care of it, because I come from a place where everybody makes jokes. My mother used to say to me, now I don't want you kids to think that we have a normal marriage, because we really don't have a normal marriage. They really were more like a vaudeville team. And I never really knew what she meant.
I had all these assumptions that everything would just turn out, that my marriage would be just like my parents' marriage. And so I got married from the get-go expecting somebody to be different. Expecting somebody to be different. And one Christmas when I was home from teaching in Chicago, and he was up on leave for Christmas break, he invited me to his home for a Christmas dinner, or after Christmas dinner, and he made the announcement to his family that he had an important announcement to make.
Who knew what that was going to be? And he announced that we were going to get married. I didn't know that we were going to get married. But this is me. This is me. Well, you know, how will that look if I say, what? Wait. No, that's not going to work for me right now. I'm under contract with this little nun up in Chicago. No, I do not have, at age 21, I don't have the wherewithal. I don't even have that language.
So instead what I do is I adjust. And that's the other piece that got me in alcoholism, is that continually adjusting to alcoholism. I thought I was adjusting to marriage. I'm not. I'm adjusting to a disease, and there's no healthy way to do that. So he makes that announcement in January. I mean, he made that announcement in December. We get married in January. I get pregnant in February. And he gets his orders to go to Vietnam in March, and by May he's gone.
I just didn't think that squadron could move out of the States fast enough. I was exhausted, and I was a bride. I was exhausted because I never knew what was going to happen next. And to live with that kind of uncertainty, to live with that kind of real fear, I just didn't know where to go with it. And so I pretended like I had everything under control. I pretended like I was so sorry they were going to be gone for a year.
But the truth was I thought if he would just leave, I'll go back to Cincinnati and I'll be able to figure this out. If I talk about it enough, I'll find a solution. And of course, as you know, I never did find a solution. But what became important to me was that you not find that out. Because what would you think of me? What would you think of me as a wife?
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What would you think of me soon as a mother? But more importantly, what would you think of me as a woman if you knew what I was living with? And so I tried really hard to keep that from you. And it wasn't about protecting him. It was about protecting me. How will this look if anybody knows what I'm living with, what I'm putting up with? So I don't often say it, but I will tell you that there were moments where I thought, you know, I hope he comes home safely.
But wouldn't it be kind of a good idea if you were captured and tortured just a little bit, just a little bit? And maybe you would have a spiritual awakening. I mean, maybe then, you know how you hear horrible things happen to people and then they're like, oh, my God, I'm going to turn my life over and I'm not going to holler and scream, and oh, my God. Anyway, so he came home, and then eventually, when he got out of the Marine Corps, he decided to take the GI Bill and go to Ohio State and become a dentist.
I know, that's what I thought. Oh, what? I thought you were going to become a veterinarian, which would make sense because he came from a family that raised quarter horses. But a dentist, that was, I've never known anybody that, I never had a dentist like that, except a little shop of horrors. I saw that dentist, but anyway. What I noticed, though, right before he went to dental school, he was badly beaten up in a bar in northern Kentucky, and that ended the drinking.
And I thought it was because I had been long-suffering, I had been patient, I hadn't nagged, I had just buried all my anger and fear and resentment over his behavior. And now, look, he's not drinking anymore. This is great, the nuns were right. I offered it all up, and here it's working out. Well, it didn't work out, because when we got back to Cincinnati, the erratic behavior began, and what I came to discover shortly before he was arrested was that now, because he was a dentist, he could write himself prescriptions for narcotics.
And that didn't last very long before the whole thing blew up. He was thrown out of dentistry, and then came years of unemployment. Unemployment is frightening. As a mother, well, as a wife, but particularly as a mother, unemployment is frightening, because I didn't know how we were going to feed these kids. I didn't know what we were going to do. Thank God his family let us live in this little house on this horse farm next to the main house.
And I pretended like this was great. Nobody knew he was thrown out of dentistry. I don't know how that missed the news, but it did. Well, I do have an idea. I worked so hard at making you think that this was the life that I wanted. I'm living on a horse farm. Come on out, and I'll take you for a ride. You know? This is great. He's got this wonderful vegetable garden. Come on out. We'll dig for potatoes.
Like our people. Like our people. Anyway. It was just a crazy time. Yeah, I mean, I don't always tell this story, but, you know, I will tonight. It wasn't that he didn't work. This is the thing. This is the thing I wanted to say. When I was coming up here yesterday, I thought, you know what, I thought I was going to stop at the James Center because the woman that I sponsored, her husband, just got a double lung transplant.
And I thought maybe, I left early because I thought maybe I'd swing by the James Center, get her a cup of coffee. But when I texted her, she's like, oh, my God, I'm in meetings all day long. Thank you, thank you for thinking of me, but I can't. So I had a few, I had about, I thought I had a little bit of time. This is before I got a nail in my tire. I thought I had a little bit of time, so I swung by, because it's right off 71, this apartment that we lived in while he was in dental school.
And I went back and I thought to myself, you know, we have so much fun in Al-Anon. I mean, we really do. But there's no mistaking, there is a tremendous amount of grief. There is a thread of grief that just connects all of us together. It just connects all of us together, because it's painful to watch someone that you love, to watch someone that you know, like my husband, who is so talented. I mean, talented.
He flew, you know what I mean? He flew, you know when I saw that Tom Cruise movie, the last one, he could do that. I mean, he could do that. He flew RF4s in the Marines. He could do, he was a great dentist until he got pitched. I mean, even everything that he did. The vegetable garden he had was incredible. And to watch that, you know, to watch someone that you love with all their, as we say in Al-Anon, I fell in love with this
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potential. To watch that potential just dissipate because of the alcoholism is a heartbreaker. It's a heartbreaker. It's a heartbreaker when I watch my own kids. But I don't stand there alone because I'm with you. And you give me encouragement and you share because you come. And you share your experience and your strength and your hope with me. And it means so much to me today. So, yeah, so anyway, I was thinking that when I pulled and I just looked at our little townhouse then about the grief, but also about the deep gratitude that I have for being here. And it isn't true that he didn't work at all. He became a fur trader. And I know that sounds crazy, but he used to trap fox and skin them and sell their furs. And at one time, well, in the 1780s, it was a very lucrative, it was a very lucrative profession. It didn't bring in a lot of cash in the 1980s. But I mean, just like that, for example, he was great at it. I mean, I don't like, I mean, I didn't come from a family of hunters. So for me, this is all very foreign. But, but I would try to, you know, I would, I mean, we had leg hold traps around and I mean, and we got these encroaching suburbs in this, you know, the Stepford wise, of course, I had to call them something, would call and, you know, I don't want my son playing up there. There's leg hold traps up there. I'm like, well, you just open them up and release the kid. I mean, it's not all that dangerous, but, you know, the birds, that's the, I don't want to talk about it anyway. So things are crazy, but I'm trying to pretend like it's just, it's just normal, you know, it's just normal, that constant adjusting, but also that anxiety of waiting to see how he is so I would know how I could do it.
If he was in a bad mood, I laid low. If he was in a good mood, I'd want to take advantage of it, no matter how I was feeling. So it's just a life of constant adjustments. And trying to make crazy stuff seem normal, seem normal, like when the neighbors would call, now they're missing their cats, and I'm like, oh my God. So I say to my husband, who I know now has his infrared glasses at night, I'm like, oh, tell me you're not hunting cats. I love cats. You're not shooting them. He's like, well, not the skinny ones.
But he said, Kathy, those fat ones, they're being let out, and they're coming into our fields, and they're killing pheasant and quail for sport. And I can't have that. So now, see, I've got to make that adjustment in my mind, like, wow, they're killing quail and pheasant. I mean, so now I have to be okay with that, you know. Or all the birds that he fed, except for blue jays, which he would literally shoot from our bed. And I would be like, Rick, why are you killing the blue jay? I mean, I would have to say to the kids, don't play on that side of the house today. He's going after the blue jays. He would say, the blue jays steal the eggs from the other birds' nests. Kathy, they're the felons of the bird world.
So then I would think, that's not really funny, but I would think, well, I guess those blue jays have to go. I mean, it's just that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So there I was. I don't know if that happened, but there I am, just trying to make this all seem so normal. And in my heart of hearts, I knew it wasn't normal. Alcoholism taught me not to trust my instincts. That's one of the things that alcoholism did.
So anyway, other sisters are living on this horse farm, too. And one of them went to an Al-Anon meeting. She went to about two or three, and the people there said, you know what, there's another meeting across the hall. You probably would like that one better. She joined Alcoholics Anonymous within a week. Second sister-in-law joined. I now, even today, have four sister-in-laws. Well, one we just lost, but three sister-in-laws, all four sisters of my five sister-in-laws joined AA and are good members, and the one we just lost a year ago, all the way to her dying day. Wonderful members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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And I could see real changes in them. I knew they wanted me to, I knew what they wanted. I mean, they were coming for me, I know. They would always come around with their big book, which I used to call it the blue book. Oh, I see you've got your blue book. It's a big book. I'm like, okay. I knew what they wanted. I knew they wanted me to join that Al-Anon. I'm like, please. You really think I'm going to join a group and ask for help? You've got to be crazy.
But I will tell you, their recovery was so impressive. Their recovery was so impressive. You know how we say attraction rather than promotion? I was so attracted to what it was doing in their lives. And I'm telling you, by this point, I mean, I must have weighed maybe 100 pounds, which is a horrible weight for me. And I'm smoking at least two packs of cigarettes a day. My hair's always in a ponytail. I'm a wreck. I'm a wreck.
And so I thought, oh my God, if this is a family disease, and now I'm pregnant. Well, I wasn't really smoking two packs when I was pregnant, but I was still smoking in moderation, as my doctor told me. Anyway, I'm pregnant with child number seven, and I think that's got to be the Lutherans, right? And I'm like, oh my God. I always had this eight-year plan. He was four years older than I was. Women generally outlive men by about four years in this country.
And I had this eight-year plan. At the end of my life, it would be peaceful. And now they're telling me, this is a family disease. I'm never going to get away from this. Oh my God. My eight-year plan is in jeopardy. And so I went to an Al-Anon meeting. But I went to one that was way far away, because I didn't want to run into anybody that I knew. And the very first night I went to my Al-Anon meeting, April the 5th, 1982, a woman by the name of Ruth was running the beginner's meeting, and she said to me, alcoholism is a disease that you didn't cause, that you can't cure, and you can't control.
And that was the first time in all those years, 12 and a half years since I had been married, that anybody had ever suggested to me that this was not my problem to fix. The very first time. Even my mother-in-law would say, why can't you do something with him? And I would go, oh my God. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. She also said, and you don't want to, the fourth C, which we don't always mention, you don't want to contribute to it.
So here I am with that news, and I said to her, I'm not even sure this guy's an alcoholic. And she said, has his drinking ever caused a problem in your life? And I said, every time he drinks, it's a problem, because somebody usually gets hurt. She said, well then, you're in the right place, because this is a program for you. And that's why I think we hammer on that topic all the time, that we have to keep our focus on ourselves, because this is a program for me.
I mean, I'm powerless over what anybody else in my family chooses to do with their family disease of alcoholism, but I know what I can do. I know what I can do. And so I started to come to meetings, and that's where you taught me the beauty of learning to let go and to let God. My sponsor, I have the same sponsor today as I did when I first came in, she often says, Kathy, let God sort it out. Let God sort it out. And so those are the kinds of things that I heard when I first came in.
You know, that Thomas Merton quote that we have, I think, in our One Day at a Time book, or maybe it's Courage to Change. The beginning of love is to allow those we love to be themselves perfectly. That's what you taught me early on. Now, that doesn't mean, you know, somehow I used to think that putting up with unacceptable behavior was noble, but that's not what that means. It just means, as I've heard today, that we have to, I mean, I have to accept me as I am today.
And I have to accept you as you are today. But the good news in Al-Anon is that we're told, you're enough for today. Wherever you are right now in your program, you're right on time, and you're enough for today. You're enough for today. Don't let the perfect get in the way of the good. So I loved what you had. I loved what you had because you had hope, because you had great hope. And in the sharing of your solutions, I came to understand that many of you had faced what I was facing, and some of you still were.
But you were doing things differently than I was.
[00:40:02]
You were living your lives as though you had a choice. You would say, well, I know I don't have to live this way. I know I don't have to live this way. Some choose to continue to live that way, but some, you know, some don't. But there was a choice, and I never thought that I had a choice. It always felt like I was backed into a corner, backed into a corner. So this is great news that you're giving me, this idea of learning to trust the wisdom of the group, the wisdom of the group.
And, you know, I've heard it, and I hear it in every really healthy meeting that I go to, and that is the importance of humility. Because I believe that you and I are involved in a spiritual program that is absolutely rooted in letting go. In letting go. And if I want to continue on the path that you invite me to share with you, I have got to wrap this cloak of humility around myself and recognize that on my own, I can only do so much.
Which doesn't mean that Al-Anon is a passive program. It's not. We have those three A's, awareness, acceptance, and action. But I, with the action, I have to be willing to let go. I have to be willing to let go. I have one of my kids who's been in and out of the program. He called me not so long ago. He doesn't live in the state of Ohio. And he said, I don't think I can maintain this way of living anymore.
Do you have anybody in the state, you know, who's in AA who I might call? And I said, nope, but I can get those numbers. So I called some guy that I know who knows everybody, apparently, in alcoholism. He's anonymous in the continental United States. And he immediately gave me four numbers of four men in this particular state where this kid is. So I called him back, gave him the names, gave him the numbers, and that was the end of that.
And that was the end of that. And I know because not so long ago he called me again. He said, do you still have those numbers? I've been tattooed on my chest, you idiot. But no, I mean, I just have to let that go. That's that's none of my business. My recovery is my business. So, you know, I'm a swimmer and I swim early in the morning. And I mean, even during covid, thank God the pool was at least open, even though we had to wear a mask to the end of our lane, whatever.
But I mean, I don't care. I didn't care how we did it, you know, but I swim. And and that's the way Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I start my day about 10 o'clock. 5 a.m. in the water, back and forth. It's so boring. It's just horrendous. But it's you know, it's so quiet. And I've been doing that since I quit smoking years ago. It's just such a peaceful way to begin my day. And during the pandemic, a woman arrived who I'd never seen before at the pool.
She's a big woman. And she was swimming in the lane next to me and she was really going pretty quickly. And I thought, how is she beating me? Not that I'm a competitive swimmer, but I guess I am because I was like, how is she beating me? She's just and then I noticed she had flippers on. That's cheating. But I thought, you know, that's like Al-Anon. We live life with flippers. We still have to do the work, but flippers just make us glide a little more smoothly through life.
But we still have to do the work. We still have to, I mean, sometimes recovery calls for action. But I have to be willing to let go of the results. There's a little bumper sticker I saw once in an Al-Anon convention. It said, detach, don't amputate. Now, isn't that interesting? Because last weekend on Saturday at my Zoom meeting, we were talking about boundaries. And I was sharing and saying, you know, sometimes as a wife and as a mother, it's difficult for me.
I mean, that's a partner. I mean, you know, there's a relationship there. So I'm not always clear where, you know, where that line is between mothering and being a wife. And on the other hand, controlling and manipulating and managing and those things that we do. Because I don't want to be, I use the term cold hearted. I did not come to Al-Anon to become a cold hearted woman. And the woman that shared after me said, yup, I have the same fear of becoming indifferent.
And I thought, that's the word that I wanted, indifferent. But Al-Anon teaches me a way. Al-Anon teaches me a way where I can love wholeheartedly those in my life without getting, without getting sucked into their consequences.
[00:45:03]
I always say alcoholism is like quicksand. I get close to it thinking I can fix this or I'm going to be okay and the next thing I know I'm up to my neck fighting for my own breath. And so that idea of learning to, it wasn't called detachment years ago, it was called release them with love. We release them with love as best we can. But without doing, you know, a serious fourth step and a serious fifth step, I would never have any idea exactly where those pitfalls are for me.
The assets certainly, but also those stumbling blocks, how things look, being right, they will always trip me up. I was sharing with a couple of the small groups today when I, Al-Anon, How It Works, that book that says, our Al-Anon How It Works book, in the very beginning it talks about how we arrive being smug. Smug hit me between the eyes. I thought, oh my God, that says it all. I was so smug because I thought I had the answers for him.
I didn't think I needed any, but so, you know, that whole turnaround. Twelve and a half years I'm asking the wrong questions. What's wrong with him? Why would he say that? It was always, always about him, never once. Why did I say that? What was I thinking? Why would I act in such a way? That's the huge difference, is putting the focus on me. I was at Kroger not so long, well, it was pretty long ago actually, I was at Kroger checking out and there was a guy in AA behind me and we were passing, you know, the little national inquirer and the headline said, I dated a terrorist.
This AA guy tapped me on the shoulder and he said, look, an Al-Anon story. And I'm like, not true. I am my own qualifier. I got here because I thought I knew better than you did. I got here because I thought if anything you were facing, I could come up with your solution. I got here because I was smug. So I qualify for this program because I got so overly involved in somebody else's life that I didn't really allow you the dignity of learning your own life lessons which would take you on a spiritual path of your own.
I railroaded you. So, yep. So what else can I say here? I had made, we were talking about amends today and really, I have not made many verbal amends because when I got in, really, I would never recommend doing any of this without a sponsor. But the amends that I really needed to make were to my husband. I mean, I had to say to him, hey, I gave you responsibility for making me happy and it was never a job that was yours to do.
And when you failed at it, which of course you would, I blamed you, I resented you, and I'm really going to try, keep the focus on me and stay in my own lane, stay in my own lane. And things really did change. I mean, he did try AA for a minute, scared the living daylights out of him, but he tried it for about a minute. Yeah. And the other thing is, of course, to my kids, because you're the ones that said the most powerful amends you can make to your kids is to give them a healthy parent.
And I still believe that's true today. You taught me never to take my kids personally. You've taught me, you know, I cannot make my kids want what I want for them. Can't. And you also taught me that I may be the source of some of my children's problems, but they are in charge of their own solutions. And that's good, that's a good thing. You can take that one to the bank. So about three years after I got into Al-Anon, my husband, who used to build, he built this experimental aircraft and he used to take it up to fly, burned me because I'm stuck home with these seven kids while he's up in the clouds flying.
But you said to me, well, does he find any peace in that? And I said to you, that's the only time he's at peace, is when he's back to his flying again. And you said, well, why would you take that away from him? So my attitude about that changed. But unfortunately, after I'd been in for about three years, he was killed. He took it up to fly and something went wrong and he crashed and died. And then I was, I mean, I was pretty young, I was only 37, but we had these seven kids under the age of 14.
And some of them were already getting in trouble. But thank God I had you. I mean, thank God I had you and so many of you had terrible kids too. So it really, I mean, you know, all those things you taught me, just keep showing up, you know, cooperate, you know, talk to the teachers, work with the coaches, you know, don't fight Cincinnati, you know,
[00:50:02]
Hamilton County Police Department. I mean, work with the courts every step of the way you were with me. I had to file incorrigibility for one kid. You went down there with me, showed me where the forms were, what to fill out, turn them in. You were just invaluable, invaluable. Three months after he was killed, this Catholic high school called me and said, hey, we understand you just lost your husband last month and you might need a job.
And I'm like, I really need a job. Well, why don't you come and teach high school? I'm like, well, I have this expired elementary education certificate. And this brother, Johnson, who called me, he said, we don't care. Just come and teach. We'll figure that out later. Just come. We'll give you all your insurance. Don't worry about it. So, Rick was killed in May. In August, I started teaching juniors in high school.
Of course, in morality and social justice. And so, really, isn't that, because really that's what we're about, aren't we? Morality and social justice, honestly. I mean, for me, that's what Al-Anon really is about. We carry that, we carry that with us, don't we? That wonderful message of living well and justice for ourselves and for those that we love. So, I also learned then that because of that teaching, I mean, because of his service in the Marine Corps, all my kids could go to college for free.
The Ohio War Orphans Scholarship to a state school in Ohio, all their schooling would be free at any state university in Ohio. And I like to think that my husband, that was his living amends that he made to, or his dying amends that he made to his kids. You know, a college education through his service in the United States Marine Corps. So, I can't tell you that it was easy raising those kids alone, but I'll tell you it was helpful.
I took them to a grief counselor almost immediately. They were horrible. They were just awful. And the grief counselor threw them out. He said, get out. Out, go into the waiting room with the receptions, get out of here. So, he threw them out and I said to him, I don't think I can raise these kids by myself. And he said, oh, you can't. You're understaffed. That was the best thing anybody ever said to me.
Oh, you can't. You're understaffed. And so, I recognized that and I just did the best I could one day at a time. And honestly, that was good enough. Was I a great mother? Absolutely not. But I was okay. And you've taught me it's okay just to be okay. Just to be okay. Teenagers was never a group I would want to teach. That's why I stuck with elementary. Turns out, they're brilliant. They are the most fun, honest group of people that I've ever run into in my life.
They were just wonderful. Taught me all kinds of good lessons about how to raise kids. About how to raise kids. They are just a terrific cohort, our teenagers. They are honest as the day is long. They, if you've got, if you're, I mean, they, if you're, they can hurt your feelings. I mean, if you, if you want to get, get one of my daughters. In the COVID, I've had three of my seven kids go through a divorce.
Breaks my heart, but it's not my, it's not my business. This one daughter called me and she's having a terrible time with her 15-year-old. Who just says mean things to her. And she's like. And this kid is an al-anon, kind of. And I said to her, why would you, why would you give your self-esteem to a 15-year-old? I mean, really? That's just, I mean, and that's what you taught me. So these seven kids, and even these teenagers I taught, I never gave them my self-esteem.
Why would you? They're kids. They're going through a difficult time, especially now. These poor high school kids. Anyway. So, yeah, that's what I did. And I, you know, continued to do those daily inventories. I don't know where I would be today without prayer and meditation. Thank, that is one wonderful thing about the pandemic is that, you know, it kept me inside. And I could, you know, really spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation.
I can't tell you that al-anon is my whole life. But it allows me to lead a life that is whole. And that's important. Because I do service work in al-anon. But it also, I also use it as springboard to help out in the community as well. And I do that because you've shown me, you've shown me the way. I sponsor women. I do a lot of listening. I was telling someone with women that I know who are new, I have them get that pass to recovery.
[00:55:00]
And we start with the answering of the questions on step one, step two, step three. So that when step four comes, it's not as daunting as it might be. I think we've made the fourth step into an industry in al-anon. That's just my opinion. It's gotten so complicated. Oh, my God. Really, it's just a challenge to take a look at yourself and see where you are, what works, what's, you know, I have a friend that used to live on the Ohio River.
And every time a flood would come, I would say, please, let me come and help you clean out that basement. And she would say, no, it's horrible down there when the river recedes. And I need time to see what's still intact and what has been damaged. And I thought, it's just like a fourth step. We take time to see what's still intact and is in good working condition and what's been damaged and we need to replace.
So I don't know. Again, I mean, I can be pretty much of an idiot. So that's why I'm a little cautious when people, you know, place too much importance on time in. I do pretty much the same things you guys do. I have a sponsor. I call people when I'm in trouble. I get to meetings. I read our literature. And I'm very committed to the spiritual way of life. When I, you know, when I get back to my room, I'll think of 12 brilliant things that I totally forgot.
But you don't need to hear them because you've already heard so much over this weekend that you can, you know, take home and that I hope will pump up your enthusiasm for this wonderful program. One of my kids decided not to use that scholarship and go to an Ohio State school. She won a scholarship to St. Louis University. And so when she graduated, we all jumped in the car and, oh, my God, wait a minute.
Oh, I forgot the most important thing here. It's not the most important thing. But about 20 years after Rick had died, you know that nice little guy from Indiana, the one that used to send me flowers? Well, he wrote me a note in 98. He had written me a letter of amends in 90. Of course, what else? He's in AA. But in 98, he wrote me a note and he said, you know, I don't know if you're remarried. I don't know if you're engaged or whatever.
But I've moved from California back to Indianapolis to take care of my aging parents. And I just wonder if we'd get together once in a while, maybe for dinner. You've always said that that would work for you. Because I was really, I could have been a poster child for a single woman. I mean, I like being single. I really did. I like making popcorn for dinner. I like, you know, going places and leaving when I wanted.
I like painting my living room a different color every Friday when I get home from school. I just like living by myself. You know, people say, yeah, but don't you want somebody to send you flowers? I'm like, you know, you can go to Kroger, right? And for $7, you can get all the flowers you want. Anyway, so he writes me this letter, and I'm like, oh, God, I don't know. I mean, I don't know here. But I thought about it, and I thought, you know, this guy keeps turning up like a bad penny.
I wonder if maybe this isn't a plan here, and I owe it to all of us, but particularly the God of my experience to answer. So I said, sure, we can go out. Well, we started to go out, and eventually, he moved to Cincinnati. We dated for seven years, and in 2005, we got married. Yeah, how about that? And you know what? This is what I'm saying. I would like to say it's perfect. And it is, because he's the nicest person I know.
It's just, I mean, he is. It's just so nice to live with someone that's so wonderful and kind and thoughtful and who still brings me flowers. But I say to people, the best thing about him is he has never been married, so he has no idea what a bad wife I am. He's never been married, and he has no children, and that's what I call a double winner. So, really. So there's that. Oh, I got one minute. And there's another thing.
When Rick and I were, when I was pregnant with child number seven, I mean, all I ever wanted was a Madeline. All I ever wanted was a Madeline. And so the last three were all boys. Well, the last two had been boys, and now I'm pregnant, and I'm like, oh, if this is a girl, this is my little Madeline. I know it's going to be Madeline. And he said, yeah, well, what if it isn't Madeline? I'm like, I don't know.
Maybe we, I like the name Jake. He goes, no. Because then, and then I wanted the middle name. because then and then I wanted the middle name Daniel and he's like no because then people are going to call him Jack Daniels and we can't have that that can't happen he said what about the first name Daniel didn't you used to date
[01:00:01]
that really nice guy in college his name was Daniel and I'm like I guess I did and he said well he was such a great guy let's just call this if it's a boy let's call him Dan so I'm like okay so isn't that crazy that my youngest son is named after my husband of today I mean it's just and when Dan and I got married little Daniel was his best man I mean it's just strange isn't it yeah it's very strange so anyhow yeah so this one kid decided not to go to St. Louis I mean not to go to any of the state schools of which we are so blessed to have so many great ones so she went to St. Louis instead and we all got in the car the kids and I and went to her graduation we got there to St. Louis University the chapel where the parents were to have this mass but before the mass the president of St. Louis was going to address us all and so we get there and she's late and she's late and she's late and finally she arrives and she comes to the front of the church and she said I'm so sorry I was delayed at home my little seven-year-old has finally learned the Lord's Prayer and he wanted me to hear him recite it before I left and so she said he stood before me and he said our Father who art in heaven how'd you know my name and you know when I heard that I thought isn't that the gift of Al-Anon to one more time to be reintroduced to a God who knows my name and for that I'm so very grateful. Thank you.