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Source: Kat P – KY State AFG Convention 2022 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kat-p-ky-state-afg-convention-2022-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:50:07
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Get organized for a minute. All right, thank you. Well, I'm going to continue Terry's disclaimer, so, you know, it's been a long day, no judgment if there's any nodding off, it's okay. But I would like to thank everybody that has spoken earlier, it's been, I mean, I am full and I don't know how your, if your heart is full, my heart is full. What we've heard today has just been amazing and all I hope is that I can add to that in what I heard today was the amazing transformation beyond comprehension that happens from the moment that I skidded on my face into these rooms to where I am today.
And that's what I heard today and I hope that you get that out of what I have to share tonight. My name is Cat P. from North Ridgeville, Ohio. My home group is Westlake Gratitude on Thursday nights at 8 o'clock and if you're ever in the area, please come see us. I can with one sentence tell you why I qualify for Al-Anon. I can tell you my husband's recovery date is 12-29-95, but I don't know mine. I know it's January, but we go with January.
I don't have a, so I always find that kind of funny. You know where my attention, you know where my interest lies at the time. So my background is I grew up in the city of Philadelphia. I am one of three girls born to very young parents. We lived in downtown Philadelphia in a home that was 10 by 10, 3 stories high. Three girls born in three years with a St. Bernard, it's a little tight. I never saw alcohol in my house when I was growing up.
My father had a violent alcoholic as a father and he was very adamant that he was never going to drink. He never did drink, but his vice was gambling and he was a workaholic. So in this 10 by 10 living room, which also included the kitchen, there was a round table and at that round table were poker games. And those poker games were very exciting. My nose just came up over the table and there would just be these exciting games happening very regularly and I was so enthralled with it.
But what I didn't know was that rent was in the middle of that table. Food was in the middle of that table. Anything that kind of represented a consistent normal life was in the middle of that table. So what gambling does is one day you have a Mercedes and another day you have a bicycle and that is true, that I had that experience. And most kids go to school and they're in school at some point and the teacher will say well tell us what your mom and dad do and my dad's a policeman and my mom's an accountant.
I was told to say that my father was an entrepreneur, yes. So he started a lot of businesses, they would start and fail and he was a workaholic. He didn't, he wasn't around much. My mom was very good at acting as if. She was raising us and doing things and my father was really never much part of the picture. But something felt different within me. Something felt not the same. I would go to my friend's house and things just seemed very different and I couldn't explain to you why but I knew what was happening in my house didn't feel good so I would want to be other places.
I lied a lot when I was a kid and one of the things that I learned in these rooms that lying was just giving wishful thinking a voice. I just wanted a different life. I wanted different circumstances and I didn't know how to do that. I was afraid of who I was. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. So presenting a fantasy version of who I was was a lot more comfortable. I wasn't lying to hurt people, I was lying to protect myself, you know.
When I was in 6th grade, we had gone on vacation. We had moved at this point to another house in Philadelphia and my sisters and I were sent on vacation one summer with another family and my parents were at home.
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And while we were gone, the FBI raided my father's business
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and subsequently seized our home and the contents of it. So I was away on vacation, come home and when I came home, everything that I had was gone. My mom had thrown some clothes into a bag and we moved in with my grandparents and started in a new school and my father headed to prison and my parents got a divorce. And now I'm in 6th grade and this is what I tell myself. I said, this is an incredible opportunity to start over.
I can be whoever I want to be because I'm going to be in a new school and no one is going to know about this. No one is going to know what happened. And sometimes my sister might mention it or, you know, allude to it in conversations with friends and I get so angry, I get so angry that she was showing our vulnerability, our weakness, our less than and I wanted to be something different. So I worked very hard to present something very different.
I headed off to college, you know, by the time I was in high school, our family was kind of falling apart a little bit. My father was out of prison. My sister went to live with him. I was living with my mom. My other sister was having a lot of issues and she was living with grandparents and things. And so my mom and I were basically kind of like roommates in high school as I was ending high school and she was off starting her own life professionally, personally and I was just kind of left flapping in the wind.
And when children are and I was making a lot of decisions that children shouldn't make and I felt very mature, I thought I was a very mature person. But when children are asked to make decisions that are designed for adults to make, it doesn't make them mature, it just makes them children who are making decisions that adults should be making. But I thought I was very mature and so I headed off to college thinking I was very mature yet I was very immature and when I got out on my own, it became obvious very fast and I didn't last long.
I started dating a guy who was very nice and he was very normal. He might still be in therapy, I'm telling you, twisted that poor guy in knots. So, but from across a crowded bar and I want to tell you, the story I want to tell you is that he came and clubbed me over the head and drug me back to his alcoholic lair but that is not the truth. The truth is I stood in the corner and said, pick me, pick me, I can make it better, I can make it better, I can fix it.
And there was just something about him that was just felt right. There was something that clicked. And one of the things that really attracted me to him was he came from a house, you know, with two parents and they lived in the same house his entire life. And I thought, wow, I wanted that, that's what I wanted. And so, we got married and had a baby not in that order and we were off to the races. So, he was having trouble, he had his MBA but he was having trouble finding a job so I had to fix that in a hurry.
So, I got him to work at my father's new business. And, yeah, he was out and now he had a company that had probably 400 and some employees, so it's good enough. So, my husband was the guy that opened the door when the FBI walked back in again. And I was nine months pregnant at this point, no insurance, you know, this was bad. And so, with number two coming along and we, he ended up finding a job in Ohio and we packed up and we headed to Ohio.
Now, the one thing that happens with alcoholism is the, you know, kind of in science, the bacteria grows in a warm, moist place. The warm, moist place for alcoholism is an isolation and diminishment. Isolating people away from what they know and love and support and diminishing of your value. And when we moved out of Philadelphia and moved to Cleveland where we knew no one, we lost that safety net of family and friends, we lost that safety net of people in the community that we felt some responsibility to and we were on our own.
And we put the gas, you know, the pedal to the metal on alcoholism. Now, I could not have told you it was alcoholism. I thought it was incredible quantities of bad luck. If we just get this, get past this, then things will be okay.
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If we just get past that, then things will be okay. But it was a lot, we continued to isolate and isolate and shrink and get smaller and smaller. I can tell you things started to happen to me personally in moments that I can remember the way that I felt. I had the kids at the movie The Lion King and if you aren't familiar with The Lion King, you know, the kid lion, daddy dies, he feels responsible, he runs away and his father is up in the sky and looks down to him and he says to him, you are more than what you have become.
And I sat in that movie theater just bawling. I was more than what I had become and I had no idea what to do about it, no idea. But it was the first crack, it was the first thing that told me something is just not right here. I can remember sitting on my living room floor and I had this visualization of, you know, Terry earlier had this, that granite stone that was inside him. Mine was these black mossy castle walls with a raging black water inside them.
This was my visual and this was my insides and I thought to myself at that moment, I thought I need help, I need a psychiatrist, I need some, I need help. And then my next thought was where do I even start? Where do I even start to take down that wall? And I didn't think that I could physically survive that. I didn't think it was physically possible to break down that wall. So I just shut it down harder.
I learned that that wall, that black raging water was fear and despair and loneliness and being overly brave and shame, so much shame raging inside there. Physical things happening, I had TMJ, my jaw was locking, it was getting down back into my neck. I mean, I'm in my 20s, I had eczema that was breaking out on my hands and on my arms. I, years started to go by before I'd get a haircut, things like this were happening.
I can remember driving on a highway at one point and looking at that big cement V-shaped piece between the exit and the bridge and I thought I could just take that clean straight on, I just couldn't imagine feeling like this. I mean, I'm in my 20s, this is a long way to go and to continue to feel like that. And I didn't know what to do about it, so I just tried to lock it down that much harder. I got really serious, nothing was funny.
I remember going to the movies and hearing everybody laughing and thinking, I mean, yeah, it's funny, but it's just not that funny. And the noise in my head, you know, I like to call them the ladies in the attic or anything, you know, the committee meeting or any of that kind of, but the noise was so, I couldn't be in the car without music on because they would get so loud, so loud. And they're mean, they are mean.
One time, my husband said to me after he was sober, he said, there is nothing that you could have ever said to me that I didn't say to myself worse. And that's what was happening inside my head too. So, it kept going. So, as the alcoholism was getting worse, we had some DUIs start to happen, DUI number 1, DUI number 2. After DUI number 2, his attorney says to him, you know, we get DUI number 3, you're going to jail.
There is nothing that I can do about it. And I thought, well, what else do you need to hear, you know, that should do it. And so, and I don't know about you, but when something is going down, I knew it. And I will be ever grateful, you know, the hindsight of that moment when this happened, the grace of how this all transpired blows my mind. But my kids were at a sitter's, there was an overnight school function that I was.
I tried to call home, this was back in the day of landlines. I tried to call home and it was about 12, 1 in the morning, no answer, that knot just twisted tight. I knew, I knew it was over. And I got home that morning, the kids were still at the sitter and I walked in and my husband was sitting on the couch on the phone and he was crying. couch on the phone and he was crying and the car was not in the driveway and I
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really didn't care I said where's the car and he didn't answer me and he's on the phone and I said who are you on the phone with and he said my dad now I can tell you at that moment I knew at that moment that he had been arrested I knew that there was another DUI I didn't need any more information than that but at that moment when I should have been absolutely distraught because I knew what this meant it was as if a 50-pound sack had been lifted off my back because it was no longer a secret now a year earlier than that my father-in-law had gotten himself into his own program of AA and my mother-in-law had gotten to Al-Anon but you know poor them we don't have time for that we got enough things going on in our own world we weren't even paying attention they were down in Florida and he had called his dad and his dad said you need to call the central office he called the central office and he got on the phone with the central office now what I did in that moment which normally would have been explained a lot of things to him I got quiet I got quiet I turned around and I went up to bed now I don't know about you when you're super stressed you might not eat and not sleep I eat and sleep and you probably look better in your dress but I eat and sleep so I took myself straight up to bed and I pulled the covers over my head and I went to sleep because it was the only thing I could do in that moment and he came and he got me and asked me to drive him to treatment and I did and by the grace of God he's been sober to this day the it was so while he was in treatment they have these family sessions that you go to so you go to these family sessions and they had two parts to the family session so part one was explaining the disease of alcoholism and the other part was a group session so I got into the session where they're explaining the family disease of alcoholism oh my god it was amazing it was amazing for the first time in my life I made sense I made sense they had these cool little mobiles with all the little people you know here's your enablers and here's your alcoholic and all the whole the whole thing but I made sense I wasn't this crazy anomaly just dropped on the planet like a joke suddenly there was something to describe my life and what I was experiencing I couldn't get enough I couldn't get enough it was exactly what I needed to hear that there was something that made sense here and then we got over into the group discussion part and I would sit there and just bawl my eyes out just bawling and you know you could see the different family members sitting around circle and some of them were just they're pissed you know and I'm crying and what I learned is we come into these rooms you come in either hurt or angry and you find the other one when you're here but I was hurt I was hurt and so the counselor said he said I want you to go home and next week when you come back I want you to write why you think you're crying okay so I go home and I have the week and the kids and we I got him that night before going into the family session they're in the balls of McDonald's and I'm like shoot I need to do my homework so I pull out a piece of paper and I jot down super fast like oh why am I crying little and I closed the book and I get the kids of the sitter and I go in to the family session I could not tell you what I wrote what I learned later is that was God working through my pen but so we get into the family session blah blah have you done your homework yes so I open up that book and what I read was that my despite everything I've tried despite everything I've done my kids are about to experience their dad going to prison just like I did it was like a truck had driven through my chest I had failed I had one job I'd given myself one job to make my kids life different than mine and I was right back where I started my oldest was in sixth grade the same exact year I was when my dad was carted off to jail it was incredible I took my first step right in that moment that moment told me how powerless I was over this disease this family disease of alcoholism because I had nothing left I had thought of everything possible to make our lives different and I failed
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there was not a committee that I wasn't on there wasn't a PTA function there was not a bake sale I was a part of and I failed I failed my kids looked up into the stands and we were there in every single game and yet we were still in that same spot same spot so the counselor looked at me and said I think you should try alan on and there was I was willing so I walked in these doors and you had me at hello I couldn't believe it you know when I walked into these doors I was in the middle of a marriage that was you know we had secrecy and financial dishonesty and infidelity and that was my part that was my part he just drank he was only drinking I never came in feeling like a victim I felt like a perpetrator I had stuff to do I had work to do I couldn't you know once I stepped inside these rooms there were other things good it was the miracles were like a water cannon in my face it was what I needed to experience to consistently remind me that I was in the right place and I was on the right path and this was the answer it was one after the other after the other one of my gals here likes to say my heart was cracked open it was broken open you know my my mother called me and said you know I'd like to pay for something that you can do for yourself I don't know where this came from I said I'd like to take a pottery class and that pottery class was like it was such a refuge I would would you know once a week I'd go there I get there early and I was two hours just working in clay and it was amazing my in-laws called and said we can't come up there and rescue you but we can we can pay your house payment and we'd like you to stay home and take care of the kids while our son's in prison so I was given the gift of time with my kids time to get into this program while my husband was tucked away safe and and I got a foothold I got a foothold in these rooms there are a couple funny things that happened my daughter was in preschool at the time and so I get a call from the principal of the preschool and she said so Taylor shared with us today that her dad was going to jail and we'd like to talk to you now in my mind this is federal court I'm heading into I mean the shame Oh God so I mean I was just a mess so I'm heading into it because it's a church preschool and I'm pretty sure they're going to kick her out because they don't have your kind in church preschool so I go there and at this point I've got a holster with tissues because I'm crying all the time I go there and I go into the to the principal's office and she asked what had happened and I shared what had happened and she said well we would like to suspend Taylor's tuition for those four months why why we're at our weakest we're at our most vulnerable we're at our worst this is this is not how you treat someone you this is where I expect to be kicked while we're down I couldn't believe it the kindness that was shown to us when we were so vulnerable vulnerability was not an option for me our neighbor came by I mean the car was booted in the driveway there is not too much secrecy happening at this point yeah my husband's name was in the paper I mean it's the deals done he comes by he's a fireman he said look anything you need a toilet fixed anything you just you just come by and you let me know and I'll be over here in a second I just thank you it was it was just incredible it was just thing after thing after thing just blew my mind so I start coming to these rooms and you start talking about things like higher power and the steps and whoa this is pretty heavy-duty because if there was anything anything that I was going to collect some good information and say thanks I'm out it was when you told me who my higher power was supposed to be that was going to be where it wasn't
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going to work for me and the issue with that I'm it was never the issue was that I didn't think a higher power existed I didn't think that I deserved one or I had earned one I thought higher powers were for the good kids I thought it was like the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jacks they had done all their homework they'd been good they got a higher power what what had gone right for me what what had shown me that there was a higher power working in my life at that point I had no no evidence that I had earned that but you didn't you didn't you never did what I got to do is I got to borrow yours I got to hear yours I got to hear you develop yours just one step ahead of me and I got to slowly develop mine I it was about trust what I learned is that a higher power is the concept of trust just simple trust and that I could begin to trust the group I could walk I could trust the idea of just walking into a meeting and walking out knowing I'm going to feel better I could trust that and then I could start to trust someone to talk to that I wouldn't be judged and I could trust that all all of me belongs in here and it's so important when we share you know it took a long time before I heard somebody else talk about prison and I thought well maybe that part doesn't count you know it's just just about relating to the alcoholic and maybe these consequences don't count and then someone else mentioned prison so that counts too I'm you know I take it as a responsibility that somebody when I talk about that somebody else is going to say oh that counts too it covers everything and as the longer I'm here the more I recognize how it covers what it covers where it reaches that pebble that just goes out and out and out the steps they sounded good and scary you know there were things that I felt very confident that I could work a decent program and not work some of these steps I had an excellent plan and but you know you keep coming back and they just seem a little bit more approachable and a little bit more approachable and it's just a matter of keep coming back you know I the vocabulary starts to change you know recognizing the strength in powerlessness I used to think of the word powerlessness as weak weakness and and I could start to recognize the strength that comes from not having all the answers needing to trust something else that fourth step the nature of my wrongs the idea that I'd have to sit there and and just self-deprecate on some level but that just the name my sponsor likes to say it comes down to a couple simple fears quite often that motivates a large collection of bad choices and I recognize that I'm desperately afraid that I'm not enough and I need your approval and quite often I've got some perfectionist issues happening at the same time I also discovered that the assets you know that's a very important part of that fourth step recognizing our assets I call assets a resentment preventer a resentment preventer because when I learn what my assets are I stop expecting it out of you I learn it's not a baseline human characteristic but it's a talent that I've been given and I can use that talent and I can recognize that talent and I can maximize it for myself and for in use of service but I stop expecting you to have that same talent you know if I'm good at math I can share my math skills in a healthy way but I cannot expect you to be just as good at math and that's really important it's very important and when I work with work with other people it's very important to focus on those assets to understand what they've been given and to you how to use those going through the the freedom that comes in that fifth step first time I did a fourth step stuff didn't make it in there there was stuff that I consciously left out I wasn't capable at that time of doing it but my sponsor said I don't care I want you to do it and put as much as you can it doesn't have to be perfect and there was stuff that I knew was going to be on a later one and it was the best I could do at the time Moving through Steps Six and Seven, which I love.
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I love that quietness. I love that lack of control now that this is not for me to fix. It's not my timing. The Tenth Step, Eighth, Ninth, Tenth Step, I don't wait for the end of the day. I call them Tenth Step markers that I put into my world. We have a job that I had. We had a management team for many different types of departments that met every morning. And I have a lot of good ideas. And often I would offer those good ideas, and they didn't ask.
And you wonder why somebody doesn't like you. And what I learned is that to mind my own business. And so every day when I walk back to my office, I would ask myself, was I appropriate in this meeting today? Instead of waiting until the end of the day, I put that marker because I recognize that part of me that wants to share so desperately good ideas and use that did they ask. That did they ask thing is very important.
My calendar, I like to say yes because you will like me. And I have to say often when I'm asked to do something, let me check my calendar and get back to you. I might know the answer is yes or I might know the answer is no, but I'm giving myself the dignity of the time and space to feel good and feel okay with making that decision because it's the best decision for me. These are what I call Tenth Step markers, some of them that I put in my world.
With awareness comes responsibility. Dang, you learn this stuff about yourself. You learn these things in this program and shoot, things like sarcasm become no more fun. But sarcasm was a tool that I could whip out so fast and be like Zorro across your chest. You wouldn't even know what happened to you. Just stand there, your clothes and shirts. There's a page in Courage to Change that talks about sarcasm as a tearing of the flesh.
You know, I came from a family where dark humor, putdowns was a way of communicating and I had to work very hard to let go of sarcasm. There's a difference. You can be witty. That's character asset. Sarcasm is cruel. It's hurtful. Gossip, criticism, it's sometimes it can be lonely when, you know, people are hanging around the water cooler at work. And the right thing to do is keep walking. And I have to work hard at that.
One of the most important concepts for me personally in these rooms is forgiveness. Forgiveness, self-forgiveness. Forgiveness, I have to forgive the universe for giving me parents that are really not capable of nurturing. But I come into these rooms and I get nurturing and love beyond my wildest dreams. Forgiveness of myself. I cannot progress or grow in this program without self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is understanding that I was doing the best that I could at the time with what I had.
I have to forgive this person who got up at DUI number 2 in the middle of the night, left kids sleeping in bed, and went and bailed out my husband out of jail. I would have argued with you at that time I had no other choice. Who would we call? No one could know. I had to forgive this person who when I heard my husband talking to my mother-in-law and saying, oh, we're only having two kids, and I found out the day before that I was pregnant, and I quietly the next week went and terminated that pregnancy because that was the easier solution.
To me at the time, that was easier. I have to forgive the person that the only physical altercation that I've been in in my entire life was when my sister was being sexually assaulted. We were young teenagers, and I put that man through a bathroom door and took the hinges off the door. I was that angry. I mean, it was visceral. But when it came to my turn, I just laid there and took it. I can fight for you, but I can't lift a finger for me.
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In our How Al-Anon Works on page 86, there is a little passage here that I love about forgiveness. Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves. We simply pay too high a price when we refuse to forgive. Lingering resentments are like acid eating away at us. Rehearsing and re-rehearsing old injuries robs us of all that is precious. Shame never liberated a single spirit, and self-righteousness never softened a heart.
Can we afford to perpetuate such self-destructiveness? Surely we can make better use of our time and energy. While we may despise what others have done, if we keep in mind that everything we are now trying to do has the goal of healing us, we are bound to decide that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to forgive. I never was entitled to judge those around me or judge my family members. That is not forgiving, absolving them of what they've done or haven't done.
Forgiving them is just recognizing our common humanity. It's just recognizing that they're another flawed human just like I am. That is forgiveness. How I choose to spend my time and who I choose to spend it with, that's my choice. But forgiveness is just that recognition that we're just two flawed humans on this planet. These steps, traditions, concepts, they have removed the shame stinger from my life.
This is now just my story. It's just my story. It's what got me here, and I would rather be no other place than I am here and here today with you. Some other very important concepts to me are balance. We have all these words we throw out like balance. I want balance in my life. What does balance mean? There are so many aspects to balance. Time balance. How am I spending my time? God, it used to be I'll get everybody else put together and right, and then we'll take care of Kat, right?
Got to get everybody else fixed and then me. How am I balancing my time? My spiritual balance, what is mine and what isn't mine, using that serenity prayer like a checklist. My part is pretty small when it comes down to it. That connection, that spiritual balance, staying connected. Relationship balance, walking alongside people. You know, I existed in two places in relationships. I was either self-righteous or desperately needing your approval.
So I was either above you or below you. I didn't know how to walk alongside you. You know, healthy tolerance, the concept of healthy tolerance in a relationship. You know, emotional balance. You know, it was either I was numb, numb, or I had crippling fear. I had no skill set, no skill set to feel my feelings, to deal with feelings. There's on page 268 in From Survival to Recovery, it says, we will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
Vastness of my emotions. Raising our kids, this program was priceless. You know, these steps and traditions in raising our kids. We were very open about our programs. The things that we like to explain to our kids about their DNA. You know, all children, all teenagers have bad choices available to them, regardless of, you know, it's just these guns laying around for self-harm. But we explain to our kids that their guns are preloaded.
Preload and cocked. They get from here to there a lot faster. It's in their DNA. Our oldest, you know, he's just wired tight. He was just tight. He'd seen a lot, and he was just a tight kid. And we taught him halt. Halt was a very regular part of his youth. Are you hungry? Are you angry? We would use bored instead of lonely. Are you tired? And he, to this day, he's 34 years old, uses it. I can hear him use it as a checklist sometimes.
I am hungry and I'm tired. And we used to stop what we were doing, we would address those things, and then we would start homework.
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It was an excellent way to pause, address what he needed, and then move forward. There's nothing worse with somebody who's hungry, angry, and tired trying to get them to do homework. It's a recipe for disaster. Our daughter Taylor has a lot of health issues. She's a type 1 diabetic from when she was 5 years old. She's got other, she collects autoimmune diseases. And we have to, she has a lot of bad luck, a lot of bad luck, not just health wise.
We have to treat her health like it's alcoholism. You know, there are times she doesn't take very good care of herself. There's consequences of that, and a lot of those consequences are almost like alcoholic consequences. And that has been a challenge and something that this program has been very, very helpful for, that we wouldn't have even realized we needed to apply there. There was a lot of struggles there, and I finally kind of connected the dots and said, wow, I've got to look at this.
I've got to look at diabetes. You know, they tell you in the book, imagine alcoholism like diabetes. You know, they have no control. Nobody wanted to have, it's a disease. And so I have to do the inverse, the reverse. I have to look at her diabetes and other diseases like alcoholism when she is not making good choices for herself. Our youngest son, Max, he was the best last kid. You know, he's just super snug.
He just loved to crawl into your lap, and he's just super snuggly. Even when, you know, he's getting bigger, he just loved to curl up. But he was always just a little sad. There was always this little sad edge to Max. And parents have a deep part in your gut when it comes to your kids. But when you get that call, it hits a spot you didn't know existed. We had gotten a call that Max was, and I was asked to come, and Max was drunk, and he was bleeding by his own, harming himself.
And he had taken a Sharpie marker, and he had written all over his body those things we'd say to ourselves, like I'm a loser, I'm worthless. And it was just all over him. God, it was awful. And, you know, I had to tell him, Max, this is bigger than you. This is bigger than me. We can't help you. You need help. And, you know, we hung around his parents long enough to know that there were choices out there, and he got help, and he's really doing well.
But one of the things, when I hit that deep spot, it asked me to do some extra work in this program. It asked me to trust at a level that I hadn't been trusting before. And it asked me to trust his higher power. You know, I was always focusing on trusting my own higher power, but I needed to trust his higher power, and I needed to be willing to accept any outcome, any outcome. I realized my outcome acceptance was a little narrower than the possibilities.
Happy, joyous, and free. I love the theme of this conference. Oh, my gosh. I mean, that is living. You know, like an active participant in my life is happy, joyous, and free. Just saying that just feels good. I mean, I, nothing, the women that are now in my life, oh, my God. I just, just the way that from this program, I cannot, there are not words to describe the joy, the happiness, and the freedom that I have spending time with people in these rooms.
I have the most amazing sponsor. I have the most amazing friends that we love each other, and we laugh. Oh, my God, do we laugh. We laugh with each other, not at each other. I said the stupidest thing two days ago. I mean, they're still giggling about it in the car today. I mean, it's just, we laugh so hard. It is so freeing, so freeing. It is so hard. It is so freeing, so freeing. You know, happiness is not when something and something and something is, when we get past this, when we get past that.
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Happiness is like, is the willingness to ask for what I want, not even what I need, what I want. That is happy. I mean, things that feed my soul. The things that give, that just make me happy. You know, rediscovering the things that I love to do and then dragging them along with me. And the joyous, in From Survival to Recovery, there is a line that says, to heal and claim the joy that can be ours, we need to see the world as it really is.
It's life on life's terms. Joy isn't happening in my fantasy. Joy is happening in the real world. Joy is with and. I can be joyous and sad. I can be joyous and scared. I can be joyous and tired. Joy exists as a baseline in there because I have you, the connection, the space. This joy exists because I am in the real world, not an illusion, not an oasis, the real world in all its grittiness. Freedom. Freedom. You know, that mental freedom, freedom from what other people think of me. Freedom, you know, my values are not up for negotiation.
I can say no, I'm sorry I can't, without justifying, rationalizing, giving you a PowerPoint presentation. Here, see my schedule? I can't do it because this and this and this and this are happening. You know, I used to have to sell you and make you agree with why I can't do something. Now, I'm just sorry I can't. You know, in my family, you know, when I would offer something, it was always considered the beginning of the negotiation.
No, it's the end of the negotiation. And spiritual freedom, trusting that voice inside me, trusting that it's okay not knowing the answer. The ability to say, hmm, I don't know. That trust, that is spiritually freeing. Physical freedom. Ladies, I'm talking to you. Are we looking in the mirror and saying we're enough? We can bust our ass in here, we can do these steps, we can go to meetings, and then do we wake up in the morning and look at that mirror and say I'm not enough?
I know I do it enough. I have to stop. Physical freedom says I can want things, I can want to be healthier, I can want more exercise, but I have to be okay today with what I've been given. I'm enough. You know, self-deprecation is not mutually exclusive. I can't just apply it to the way I'm looking today. It will creep in everywhere. Those ladies in the attic are just waiting. There's a gal in our regular meeting that says when you're inside there working on your program, your character defects are out in the parking lot doing push-ups.
And that's what's happening, you know, when I'm standing in front of the mirror. My character defects are out there doing push-ups in the parking lot and just waiting, just waiting. That freedom, but this program has given me a life, has given my family a life, has given a new direction. I am at a loss, I mean I have a lot of words, but I am at a loss for words to express the depth of my gratitude for where I have come from to where I am today.
I am desperately excited about the future and what it holds and what I get to do and spend my time with, and I'm going to wrap us up today with the very last paragraph in the From Survival to Recovery. We in Al-Anon are blessed with spiritually conscious, loving companionship on our human journey. We are gifted with life, all life, life with its laughter and its tears, its loneliness and its love, its wisdom and its idiocy, its justice and its cruelty, its family disease of alcoholism, and its family recovery of Al-Anon.
So today we say yes to life and thank you Al-Anon for help with the courage and the tenderness to live it. Thank you everyone.