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Source: Hella R – Kentucky State AFG Convention 2021 Hella R – Winchester, VA – Date Unknown.mp3 File: hella-r-kentucky-state-afg-convention-2021-hella-r-winchester-va-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:51:37
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Hi, I'm Hella. I'm a member of the Al-Anon family groups and I've been in the room since 2005, January. I don't know what day. Don't ask. I have no idea. I just know I showed up there one day and I was like, help. I don't want to be here, but help me. I really don't want to be here. Please help me. Fix me. It didn't work that way. But anyway, I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you, the committee. Thank you, Olivia. Thank you, Abby. It's been a real wonderful day. And I mean, wow, being in a room with people. Woohoo! I'm just going to say, this is how I got better. I didn't want to be with you people. I didn't want to be around any people. But because I was with you all, I got better. So for whatever that's worth, it makes my heart happy. I walked in here and I almost started, I was like, wait, what's happening? Oh, we're in a room with people. Oh, this is wonderful. It's a whole other experience. I want to read, I did a, I've read this book a couple of times.
It's Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, a.k.a. The Grief Book, if you want to call it that. That's what I call it. But in any case, it's more than that. And it's a really great book. And I did a book study with some ladies in Al-Anon during the last year via Zoom. But it was great. And there's this great one sentence that sort of stuck out to me. Thanks to Al-Anon, I have done more than just survive. I have emerged as a stronger, more loving, and more compassionate human being. So that's kind of where I'm at.
I didn't plan to be. I was like, I didn't, I was not coming here to be more compassionate or more loving. Or I just didn't want to die, to be quite frank. And it all started, you know, growing up, I didn't know that this was alcoholism, but I grew up in a family deeply affected by alcoholism, which I learned way later that grandparents, uncles, nieces, nephews probably, well, no, definitely a nephew, but, you know, cousins, I don't know, randoms all over the place, alcoholism. My parents left Germany in the early 70s. My mom's goal was to get away from alcoholism. So the move solution began there.
If you don't like something, you move, right? So she was like, we're going to move to another country, because there they have less bars. And I'm like, okay, in retrospect, that's hilarious. But, you know, at the time that made total sense to her. So in any case, I grew up in a family deeply affected by alcoholism. I did not know that's what it was. I just knew that I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like I wasn't heard.
I felt like I wasn't allowed to say anything. I felt like every major decision was made behind a closed door that I was not asked for input about, just informed. And so I learned it was not okay to have a feeling. I was told indirectly that, you know, we don't have time for that. Like, that's, you know, get over it. Or, you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That was like a version of that was my favorite. And I'm like, okay, I'm not really sure. It seems a bit extreme, but I'm not sure what that means. But I guess what I understood that to mean is you can't be weak. You can't admit that you're weak. You can't admit that you don't know. You've got to just power your way through. And I'm like, okay, well, I can bulldoze my way through life. And so I did. And I remember the key thing about that was that when I got to the age of 14, my parents had, you know, I had to go to church with them every Sunday. And it just, it wasn't working for me. And it was working for them, but it wasn't working for me. And, but I couldn't say that to anyone, right? I couldn't say that to anyone because you just had to keep up the show. So I just
[00:04:59]
remember sitting there, though, distinctly going to, saying to God, basically, like,
[00:05:05]
yeah, I'm good. Thanks, but no thanks. I got this. Like, I don't need your help. I don't want your help. I don't even believe you're a thing. I don't want anything to do with you. I'm out of here. I got my, I'm going to take over. So, you know, that didn't, that didn't go so well. But I didn't know that at the time. At the time, I thought I was doing a great job running the show, which looked like, you know, I'm going to move from here to there to everywhere. And most importantly, I was like, I need to get as far away from these people that I'm forced to live with, that I don't understand, who don't, I don't feel a connection to, that I feel like I'm on my, I felt like I'm surrounded by people, but I'm entirely alone, is the best way I can put that. And so from the earliest memory, I knew I wanted to go away. Like, I just have to get away from this, and then I'll be fine.
And so, you know, not knowing that that's what my mom did, that's what my parents had done before they even left Germany. They had been doing that apparently all over Europe. I'm like, what? You know, years later, I'm like, wait a minute. Would have been helpful to know that earlier. In any case, my goal was to just get away, as far away as possible. And so I decided to go, you know, after college, I was like, I'm out of here, I'm going to go to New York. And main reason is I want to go to New York because that's where I can hide out. I can, like, find and be around a bunch of, you know, characters, weirdos, loonies, whatever, and I can just sort of slide in there, undercover style, and hide out, and be surrounded by exciting adventure. Because that's what I thought was missing from my life. So I get to New York, and, you know, I'm working in a catering job as an events planner, and I look across the room one night, planning an event, and there's this guy with, like, a patchwork leather jacket, and his hair is bleached blonde, standing straight up like an exploding Q-tip. And I was like, wow, that is an amazing human being.
I must meet this man immediately. So I go over there, and I'm like, you know, chit-chatting, and he's like, do you have anything harder to drink around here besides wine? And I was like, but of course. Hold the phone. So I go to the back, I bring out a big old glass of vodka, straight up. And I'm like, how's this? He takes that thing and just guzzles it down at once. And I was like, oh my goodness, this is fantastic. Amazing. Who does that?
I've never seen this before. It was, like, amazing. So, you know, he left that party without me. But don't worry, I tracked him down that night. I saw him leave in a limo, like, standing out that, you know, sunroof thing, like, waving, like, bye. And I was like, oh, I know where you're going. So I did. I showed up there. I'm like, hi. Here. You thought you had outrun me. But so, and so, but no, no, I have found you. And so began many years, 20 years of chasing the man around, literally and figuratively. And so, right, but I was lured in by the excitement of the thing, because this was wonderful. Here is this person who said everything they thought, who lived large, hugged, was full of emotion, which terrified me. But also, I was like, this is an exotic, like, animal. Like, wow, what a wonderful, graceful beast of humankind, you know. Because, you know, I grew up in what felt like complete austerity. There was no hugging. There was no expressions of love.
That doesn't mean I wasn't loved, right? I was definitely loved. And I know now that because of alcoholism, my parents communicated that love in the only way that they knew how. But as a kid, I felt alone, deserted, unattended to, uncared for, and unwelcome. So here's
[00:10:01]
this exotic beast of humanity that's glorious and guzzles 30 tequila shots down in a row, and I think this is amazing. An adventure begins. And so, you know, it was like the perfect storm. And I was, you know, I had really good sleuthing skills, very good private investigator skills. I had, this was before the GPS, but I had tracking skills. I followed, I found this person as far away as Scotland. I then also found them all the way on the West Coast. I mean, if you try to outrun me, I will find you. I will find you and I will, you know, show up. Wherever you might be, you cannot get away from me. So, you know, this included when, you know, we got engaged. You know, at this point, this is all fun.
Like, it's fun. And ha, ha, ha, we're having a great time. And it's fun. And I thought, you know, surely at some point we will all calm down and we will stop drinking so much. Of course. I mean, no problem. So, you know, we're running around, traveling the world in the middle of all that. We're like, let's get married. Yay, you know. And so we have a big wedding. And it's a, you know, hilarious affair. And two bars, by the way. I made sure that we had two fully stopped bars at this wedding so that we would not run out. Because I'm like, between him and all the other friends, we cannot have people being sober at this event. Now, I didn't drink any of that. But I made dang sure they had plenty to drink.
Because that was my whole M.O. I'm going to make sure, whether you want me to or not, that you have everything you could possibly need. Things you don't even know that you need. I know you need them. So I'm going to make sure they're available to you just in case you think you need that thing right now. So that's another big pattern that was established early on. You didn't ask me, but I did it anyway. I just simply stepped in.
And now this is because, right, I'm running the show. This is me running the show. Literally not just my show, your show, his show, their show, everyone's show. You got a show, I run it for you. No problem. Bring on the show. Let's do this. I got that. I can make that work. So in any case, you know, we get married. It's all crazy. We were, you know, in the entertainment business, touring. I mean, you know, that was fun. Except we would travel to foreign places and there would sort of be something like this. Land, fight, go to dinner, fight, drink, fight, argue, argue, argue, argue, argue, 4 a.m. I want a divorce.
You can't divorce me. I divorce you. No, you can't. I divorced you already. Okay, whatever. Fall asleep, 7 a.m. Hey, what do you want to do for breakfast? Okay, let's go to breakfast, breakfast, breakfast, breakfast, breakfast, lunch, dinner. Hey, I want to argue. Let's argue all night long. You going to divorce? No, you're going to divorce. Oh, let's go to breakfast. This was the pattern. Some version of that in multiple countries, cities around the world, or at home, didn't matter. It was, well, let's argue all night long, fight. I don't even know. Don't ask me. It clearly wasn't that important. But we argued and thought about something, made up the next day as if none of that had happened, carried on, did it all over again. And then we probably did that for a good, I don't know, long time.
But, you know, as all of this is happening, none of this seems weird to me or maybe there's a better way or, you know, I knew I wasn't happy, but I just honestly didn't think there was any other choice. Like this was how life was just going to be. And I certainly wasn't going to talk about it. Like did anybody in my life know any of this? No. When I would see friends or they would be around, I made sure I had the big smile. Everything is great.
Life is wonderful. I don't think I was fooling them, but I certainly wouldn't have told them a darn thing. No. Now they could figure it out and I'm sure they did, you know, but I wasn't going to admit to how unhappy I was. Because I really thought it was my job to keep this person alive. It's my job to keep this person alive. 100%. One way or the other, all across the board.
[00:15:05]
And really what that was about is I had no idea how to live my own life. No idea. I was so terrified of being on my own, of being out there, of having to do anything. I didn't know what I would do. I was like, I don't know, but this person seems like a great, you know, thing to attach myself to. Like, it wasn't, that wasn't love, is what I would like to say about that. That was not love. I loved him. I still love him, but that was not actually love. Because I had no idea what love actually is. There were, I had tons of conditions. If you love me, you will do this, this, this, and this. If you love me, you will act in this particular way. You will do this type of stuff. You will have this kind of career. You will have the, like, and if you don't know how to get there, I will make it happen for you. Because I need you to look the right way. So, yikes, right? So anyway, dang, that sounds awful. I'm like, wow, really? That's what it's like though.
So in any case, you know, at some point, you know, 2003, 4, something like that, he goes to rehab for the first time. And I was like, pfft, rehab? Well, it was like around Thanksgiving. And I'm like, first of all, I was like, wait, are we going to have champagne for New Year's? Because, I mean, that's kind of a thing. Like, we need to have a champagne, you know, a bottle of champagne. And they go, how is that going to screw up my champagne New Year's Eve plan? Yeah. Because, I mean, that's what you do on New Year's Eve. You got to have some champagne. So, like, I couldn't wrap my head around, like, I thought, like, we're going to, you're just going to go away for like 28 days and, like, get better, right?
And then come back and we can just pick up where we were. Like, nothing really is going to change. You're just going to calm down. Like, you, guy, are going to calm down. Because I'm fine over here. Like, totally fine. I've got no problems. I'm a totally reasonable, like, human being over here, keeping it all together. You've got problems. Go chill out a little bit and then we'll just pick up where we left off. Well, he came back and the hard reality sunk in. Oh, wait, there's no champagne on New Year's. And I was like, wait, what?
Wait a second. This is, wait, life is totally changing now. I did, wait, I did not sign up for this because also I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. In any case, that didn't work out very well. He didn't stay sober. And the story there was that there was lots of in and out of AA for him. And that's his story. But what that did for me was, you know, when he was sober, I'm really working this program, I was loonier than ever.
Now I'm following him to AA meetings. I'm like, I need to go track you down at the AA meeting because that's what I do. I'm a tracker. And so I tracked him down there and I would listen, like, what's he sharing about? I need to know what he's sharing to see if he's okay because I need to know if we're okay because if he's okay, then I'm okay, then we're okay. Good. So if I went to the meeting and he wasn't sounding good, I was like, oh my gosh, what are we going to do? He's not sounding good in that meeting. Oh boy, this is a disaster.
He might drink. He might drink. What if he drinks? Oh my gosh, if he drinks, his sponsor was like, lady, lady, please, for the love, love of God, go to Al-Anon meeting. And I was like, why? I'm totally fine over here. He's like, no, you are not fine. And also, he needs to be here. Without you here, please go to an Al-Anon meeting. There's the room for you. And I was like, fine. I'll show you sponsor of him. I'll go to an Al-Anon meeting.
And I will not like it. And I will not stay there because I don't need it. Totally fine. I go to my first meeting. I think it was January 2005. It was really cold. It was New York. I just remember like walking in a very wind, like the wind. It was very dramatic. The wind was blowing at me and it was snowing maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, and I get into this meeting and I sit there and I'm like, and I look around and I'm like, really? Gee, great. And people start talking and I'm like, and then I'm like, why are they talking about? They should not
[00:20:00]
be talking about this. Oh my goodness. You are not allowed to say that stuff out loud. Why are you talking about that? You need to stop talking. People, stop talking about all the stuff you're feeling. This is very awkward and uncomfortable. I don't like it. Stop talking, please. And all I could do was cry. The inner monologue was like, please stop, please stop. And the tears. And I sat there for six months, week after week, and I just cried. I just sat there and I was like, I can't talk. Which, let's face it, really? This lady not talking?
Come on. But I really, I couldn't talk. I just sat there and I was like, I'm going to cry. I just, I'm like, oh no, here it comes. And I would just start crying. Just start crying. I didn't realize how bad off I was. I was in a, not just, I was in a deficit. A love deficit. This is me still running the show. So I'm like, I'm going to run this Al-Anon program thing my way too, by the way. I'm not getting no sponsor. I'm going to read all the books. I'm going to pontificate about what I just read. And like, you know, I would, he was, at that point he was sober, working in a restaurant, and I would take my Al-Anon books and I would sit at the bar and I'd highlight, oh, this is a good passage. And I'd go, you should read this. You, sober dude, you should read this passage. It's really good. It's really good. Can you believe what they're saying in here? It's amazing. Oh my God, it's so good. It's so good. You should really read this. And he was like, dude, I'm trying to work. Like, what is up with you, lady? And also, why are you reading your Al-Anon books to me? I'm like, it's really good. It's so good. Anyway, it took me a while, you know, it took me two years to get a sponsor. And what happened there was I found myself, like two years in, doing it my way, running my show, running everyone else's show still, and I would find myself every night going to sleep just going, God, which I didn't believe in God, remember? I'm like, screw you, God. But here I am, like, God, please, I just, I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Please don't let me wake up tomorrow. Now, I didn't have a plan of, like, self-harm, but that was as close as I was going to get to that plan, but it was legit. Like, I legit did not want to wake up ever again. I was like, I can't, the thought of doing another day on this planet is unbearable to me. Please do not let me wake up. And I would wake up the next day, and I would just, my eyes would open up and I would just lay there for a minute and go, I can't believe I'm still here. This is, like, really? And I would literally zombie-style go through the day. Now, you wouldn't have known that looking at me or, like, you know, I had a great job, I was, you know, going to my job every day. I mean, I was functioning. But I would go to that job, do the job, come home from the job, that's it. Get up, go to the job, come home from the job, that's it.
And every night be like, please, just let me die. I did that for a month, probably. And then finally I'm in a meeting, my home group, this is now a meeting in Brooklyn. And it's this lady's anniversary, her seven-year anniversary. And you know, she was sharing about, you know, a little bit of her story. And I was like, oh my God, that is the worst thing I've ever heard happen to a person. And here she is, not only alive and well, but laughing? Get out of here. What did she do? Because I need whatever, if she could do it, then I can do it, so I will do whatever she did, so I got to get that lady. And I had tried to get a sponsor before this, but not, I mean, I asked a few people, they all said no, but also, like, I don't think they were the right person.
Maybe they were scared of me. I don't know. I mean, you know, I did run the newcomers meeting without a sponsor and, like, no clue. And I was like, I'm going to teach y'all about step one, you know. And they were like, no, don't work with that one. She's really crazy. But anyway, so it turns out this lady had been sitting in that home group with me for a year, and I didn't even know it. But I heard it the night I needed to hear it from her.
And so I, like, basically all these people were around her, and I just, like, elbowed them out, like, get out of my way. This is going to be my sponsor. And so I beelined for her. I said, will you please sponsor me? She said, yes. Here's my number. Call me tomorrow.
[00:25:02]
And I was like, okay, okay. So I call her tomorrow. She's like, you're going to call me every day for 30 days, and you're going to hit your knees every night and pray. I was like, pray? She's like, just do it. I said, okay, you're going to get the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you're going to read it for the first 164 pages to learn what is alcoholism. What is it? What's happening there? You're going to read that. I'm like, okay, you're going to get past the recovery. You're going to read step one. You're going to read step one in every al-anon book you have. I'm like, oh, I have them all. I have all the books. She's like, I'm sure you do. Please just read step one in all the books you have, apparently. Okay? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So I read all the books. I read all the books. I did the questions in the past to recover. I called her every day, every day. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Oh, help me, help me. She's like, mm-hmm. Listen, how are you? And I was like, what? Well, he said, no, no, no. How are you? So he's doing great, and he's going to do this, and then he's going to do that. And I was like, I didn't ask about him. I said, how are you? I'm like, hmm, I don't really know. It's a good question. Anyway, she got me straight into the steps. I called her every day. I hit my knees every night. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I didn't know how it was going to work for me, but I just did it. I just did what she said, because if it worked for her, it can work for me. If it worked for her, it can work for me.
She gave me numbers to call, people in Atlanta. I'm like, I don't know. Who are these people? She's like, call them. I'm like, okay. I called them. They took my calls. I'm like, who are you? I've never seen your face, but I'm calling this lady. And I just called. I did the deal, and I just hammered it. I just hammered it like my life depended, because in that moment, it did, 100%. I hadn't gone to the doctor in years. I'd stop brushing my teeth. These are all the things I didn't really talk about, and I didn't really notice I hadn't brushed my teeth. I probably didn't brush my hair. I maybe took a shower, and I never went to see a doctor, because I was very busy running everyone else's show.
So I'm working the steps. I get to step three. It's amazing. Major change happens there. I do step four, do step five. I walk out of her house on step five. I was like, whoa. I feel like literally 20 pounds lighter. I just got rid of a lot of stuff that I've been carrying around, and that was only scratching the surface. That first fourth step was awesome, but let me tell you, I've done many since then that was just simply scratching the surface, but it was the beginning. It was an important beginning, because without that, I got to all the stuff I could get to at that time. So that's what I did, but you know what? I still didn't really want you to know me, and I didn't really want you to love me. I said I did. I said I did. I said I wanted intimacy, but not really. I said all the right things, but my actions were the opposite, because I'd be like, yeah, okay, I'll let you. Yeah, we'll be close. It's a little too close. Go back it up. So that has taken the love part, like the really love part has taken me the entire time I've been here, and I'm just getting started, but man, let me just tell you something. It's awesome. It is awesome. It is the best thing ever, the best thing ever, and I didn't even come here for that. I came here to fix him, fix my marriage. I came here for all kinds of other things. Love was not on my agenda, not anywhere near that, because I was like, what is that? That's like hokey stuff. I don't want any part of that. That was not on my agenda, but you know, I'm just going to flash forward, because there's a lot of life going on and a lot of recovery, but I will tell you that in that third step, I finally made a decision. I don't know that it stuck, to be honest. My sponsor would agree, but I made the decision to turn my will on my life over to the care of God, and I didn't have, and here's what I've learned. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's not going to be forever. You're going to not do it some days. I don't.
There's still days today where I'm like, eee. There are still days today where I'm like, eh, I'm not so sure that maybe I couldn't do this better than God, if I'm honest.
[00:30:04]
True story, right? There are still days now where I'm like, eh, I don't need to pray. Oh, I don't know about all that meditating. I'll just muddle my way through, right? That works for like a nanosecond and then, pfft, crazy town. So, but I did, I did, yeah, pfft, crazy town. So, but I did make that decision in that first step three. And it was life changing because it was a beginning of an unfolding of a cracking open.
And if I hadn't done that then, you know, that was the foundation upon which everything else came. And everything else came like just slow and steady and just staying put in the middle of the boat. I did a ton of service. My sponsor had me here, there, and everywhere. She's like, we're going to Illinois. We're going to Atlanta. We're going to blah, blah, blah. We're going over here. We're going to go to the area. We're going to go GR. We're going to go blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, okay. I just went. I didn't question. I didn't argue. I just did it. I just showed up. I'm like, what chairs do you need set up? Do you need any coffee made? Like, what literature can I put out? Like, who needs a sponsor? You know, blah, blah, blah. Like, whatever, any kind of service because I will tell you this. I've had a lot of grief in my life. I lost my dad before I even got to Illinois, which was a big pivot point, to be honest.
I mean, that sort of was like, oh, he's gone. I'll just make my life about the other him, right? I lost my mom six years ago. She passed away unexpectedly in a surgery. And that was devastating, devastating because we had repaired our relationship and I finally wanted to be around her. I'd moved closer to her and she died like out of nowhere. My husband and I have gotten a divorce. I mean, I really didn't think that was ever going to happen.
I'm glad in the sense of we weren't happy and this was, it was like, you know, we should have done that like 20 years ago. But anyway, but my point being, we couldn't have done it any sooner. But it was, but I still love this person. And it was devastating and heartbreaking at the same time that it was, I knew it was the right thing. But it was still hard. Right. And that happened. Oh, yeah. During COVID.
So, you know, they're like shut down like, hey, let's navigate this separation agreement while we're still in shutdown and living together. This is fabulous. But but it was actually kind of cool in a weird way. But that's just an odd God thing. Right. God's like, hey, you know, let's see how this works for you. And what I do know is that, you know, God will take me on all kinds of fun adventures, but will always be with me.
And what I want, that's what I wanted to say. You know, I've had a lot of grief, lots of losses of various kinds. Hence the grief book. Over my time in Al-Anon. Like Al-Anon didn't go, didn't provide a like a force field. Nothing bad will ever come near you again. No, that's not how this works. Right. It just means when life is happening, I have a way to walk through it with dignity and grace and a lot, a lot of love and support.
I mean, a lot. It's unbearable, actually, some days to think about people who drove up to see me during COVID nine hours each way to help me pack because I was renovating my house. I mean, get out of here. OK. People who then have also come up to see me in said renovated house. Right. People who will when I go down to see my sponsor will come pick me up from the airport and take me to the airport. I am never traveling this road alone. Not only do I have God with me, I have all of you wonderful human beings that when I got here, I couldn't stand you.
No offense. I was like, you people yucky. I don't like it. Don't hug me. But now I'm like, please hug me. I can hug you back. But anyway, what I can tell you is love and service. My sponsor said that last year and I was like, love and service. Yeah. But how do you do that when you can't leave your house? You get creative, but I will tell you this. The text machine is great. You can text like lots of love and support to people you can't physically be around.
[00:35:03]
It's awesome. You can call them. Hey, how you doing? What's going on with you? You can drop things off. You know, you can create a little. Anyway, there's a lot of creative ways to be of service and do service and receive service, even when life is less than ideal. But what I can also tell you is I've had, you know, in all this grief, especially the last year going through this divorce. You know, and like, you know, first it was, you know, a home project, which was great and exciting.
But then comes May and it's done. And now I'm like, oh, I'm here alone by myself in this house. And for a nanosecond, I was like, I need to move. I need to move. I need to move. I have a great rationale for moving. I know we got to move. We got him. I got to move because this is all not right and we got to move. And so, you know, thankfully, my sponsor just laughs when I call her. I'm like, Barbara, I have a great idea. I got to move.
And she goes, oh, really? That's one of her. Oh, really? Okay. And that's all she'll say. And I'm like, hmm. Interesting response. There's no like, yeah, you should totally move. Absolutely. She goes, oh, really? Okay. I'm like, hmm. So I'm like, okay, I guess that's off the table. I guess I'm not moving. But you know what I've found? Like, this has happened because in 2010, I did move. I moved all the way to New Mexico from New York.
And then four years later, I moved all the way back from there to Virginia. So I've done it. I've done the move thing, even in my recovery. And I'm here to tell you that, you know, I can't outrun the discomfort. I can't outrun the discomfort. And it will find me. And it will emerge no matter where I go. And so what I've learned now is I just sit. I sit in it. I sit in the discomfort. So if you're feeling uncomfortable, well, when I'm feeling uncomfortable, I just sit there.
I've got episodes of some awesome TV show maybe, but I'll just sit there. And I'll just sit there. And one of the cool things that happened was, you know, like early on in the divorce proceedings, I was like so full of grief. I'm like, I told my spouse, I'm like, I can't, I can't, I can't function. I can't get out of bed. I don't want to go. You know, so she's like, it's okay. You go to work during the week. And then on Friday when you get home, you go, you crawl into bed.
You crawl back out of bed Monday morning. Feed the dog in between and like play with him because he's cute and we love him. But from Friday evening to Monday morning, it's okay. I just needed someone to give me permission to be a mess. And so she did. She gave me that permission. And I would just, I just went with it. I'm like, you know what? She said it's okay. She's my sponsor. So I'm going to do that. That's why I need a sponsor.
I need someone to walk this with me who can sit with me, who can hear me. I call her every day, Monday through Friday. I leave her alone on the weekends, mostly, because I'm like, everybody needs a day off from this lady. But I asked her a few months ago, hey, can I call you every day? And you know what's amazing about that is when I call, because I call her every day, I get to hear my own voice. And I'll say things like, wow, I'm talking really fast, aren't I? And she goes, mm-hmm.
The other day I said, you know what? I'm not going to talk about work anymore because I know I've been whining about that and it's not changing, is it? So I'm going to just not talk about it anymore until something changes. She's like, okay. This is what happens when I can hear my own voice. I need someone whose voice I know that I can hear, who hears my voice every day. And by speaking to that person every day, I hear my own voice.
It's weird, but it works. So having a sponsor for me. And then I have my amazing friends in recovery. I love them. They're so cute. Because they're just like me. And I'm like, oh, no, don't do that. No. But I don't say that. I go, oh, I love you. I just love you so much. Come here. Let me hug on you because I know what that's like. And oh, I just love you. It's great. I get to practice detaching with love with them. I get to just be a witness and love them where they are and not run the show.
[00:40:10]
I'm not in charge. It doesn't go very well. Now that God's in charge of my life, I'm like, sweet. I am off duty. This is amazing. Wow, there's all this free time. Suddenly I could do a hobby. I could pick up a hobby. I kind of garden, but I'm not a very, I just sort of dabble. But I have a compost pile. It's pretty cool. Like me, I have a compost pile. Get out of here. But anyway. You know, I was talking to a friend who's not in recovery, and she was like having a really hard time. And she was like, I just want someone I can call who will just listen and not try and fix it.
I'm like, oh, girl, I hear you. I know. And I'm like, wow, I'm so lucky. That's all the most important people in my life. I can just call them. I call my friend Joy all the time. I'm like, Joy, can I just vent here for a second? She's like, go ahead. I'm like, really? You've got like five minutes. This is a word salad coming at you. She's like, that's fine. I'm like, okay. And I called her the other day. I'm like, the thing and the what and the who. Right? And the crazy.
And I was done. And she goes, I just love you. Where does that happen? She didn't go, well, you know, you should dot, dot, dot. I said, do you have any words of wisdom? And she goes, I just love you. I'm like, dang it. Didn't take the bait. Thank God she didn't. She gave me the dignity of my own experience. And that's what this program has taught me. Now, you know, like I said, I was willing because I was, I knew, and I know this today, that without this program, without the opportunities to do service and to receive service from others, to ask for help and get it, I'm a goner.
And I have no doubt about that. That is not even a question mark to me. And so I stick myself way in the middle of the boat. When I start to feel the tinge of self-pity, love and service works every time. Love and service works every time. I just get busy. I'm like, okay. And then God miraculously, go figure, gives me all kinds of opportunities to do service. Sponsees like, hey, I got to do a thing last minute. Can you watch my kids? I'm like, sure. Somebody actually wants me to watch their kids. Wow. How cool is that? And I'm good at it.
I'm like, hey, we can watch Frozen 2. I know what's hip with young people, you know. They were like, great. We love Frozen 2. You know, so. Like, that was easy, you know. But I can do that. I can be like, hey, yeah, I'll help. Like, what do you need? You got to go do a thing. Oh, yeah. Let me watch those kids for you. It's okay. Hey, I'm going to be out of town. Can you watch my dog for me? Yeah. It's a community. It's a fellowship that's not just in the meetings. It's also outside of the meetings. But I get to build it. And, you know, when I call my sponsor the other day, I'm like, I don't know. I mean, when I come to see you ladies in Atlanta, I come back all like, yeah, I'm so awesomely happy. Woo.
You know, and like all my coworkers are like, wow, you should go to Atlanta more often. I'm like, I know. I'm sorry about that. But, you know, they and I go, what do I do? Like, I can't just like come down there like every weekend. I mean, that would be ridiculous. Although, I don't know. That could be an idea. No. You know, she was like, start a meeting. I'm like, okay, more service. Get it. I got it. Gotcha. So that's what I'm going to do. Right? Because I get to build the fellowship I crave. But I get to show up for that too. And I, it's up to me. It's my responsibility to do that stuff. It's not going to just appear out of nowhere. And I really wished it would just appear out of nowhere. But it doesn't work like that.
But every time I get low, every time I feel discomfort, every time I want to go to self-pity, if I do either love or service, it doesn't stick. It does not stick. Between that and praying, nothing else will touch the thing. I had a, I had a time like early February where I was like, I mean, I was like. where I was like, I mean, I was like a mess for a month and a half, like worried about the ex. Like, how will he survive without me? Oh my gosh, right? And I couldn't stop.
[00:45:04]
It was like, it was an obsession. It was like I was a newcomer. And I just, and, you know, I was doing a prayer three times a day, but that wouldn't touch it on its own. So I literally would say a prayer, pause, if the thought hadn't left, I would say it again. And I would do that sometimes ten minutes at a time until I could think straight. It's work sometimes. Even with some time under my belt, I'm not like some, you know, long timer, but I mean, I thought for sure by now I'd be less whatever, something crazy. No, I'm just as goofy and nutty and wackadoodle as ever, except that I have all these amazing tools. And so every day I get to practice one of them and I can have a great, amazing day. It's up to me though.
I get to choose. And some days, yeah, I don't, I choose, no, I choose, no, I want to be in self-pity. That's a choice. I don't have to choose it, but I do sometimes choose it. Anyway, I'm going to, I want to end there, but I want to read something I wrote a couple of years ago. But, you know, I was like, it's still very true today for me and important. It was a good reminder when I found it. I was sitting at the airport. Okay, this is the, here's how we know Hella still needs a program. Okay, so I'm sitting at the airport this morning.
I'm so chill, which, okay, that's pretty cool, right? Something's working. Al-Anon is helping me chill. And so I'm so chill and not managing people's lives and thinking about whatever, other people. So I'm so chill. I'm just like, oh, I'm having a chill time. And I almost didn't board my flight. I was so chill that I'm like, wait, I think that's the last group boarding my plane. Wait, hold on. You know, so anyway, I don't recommend that. But I was like, okay, I think I still need a program, clearly, because there's like, okay, now that's too chill. But the fact that I can be that relaxed and like comfortable in my own skin that I'm like not stressed out about what boarding group is called, that's a miracle.
So okay, some, you know, not, we don't want to go to extremes, but nonetheless. All right, I'm going to read this, and then I'll end there. When I came to Al-Anon, I didn't think I was walking into a love story. In fact, if you had told me that, I would have turned around and left. I couldn't even let you hug me. 100% true, by the way. It was like a surfboard, like, eh, don't catch me. But I kept coming back, and you said, we'll love you until you love yourself. Okay, whatever. But I kept coming back, and you said, get a sponsor, get a home group, work the steps, and pray. Okay, well, where else am I going to go? This is it. Last stop on the train. So I kept coming back, and you said, you're not done until you're done. Yeah, I'm not done. And I kept coming back, and you said, live and let live, keep it simple, detach with love, and do the next right thing. What does that look like?
So I kept coming back. Eventually, I got that there was a love story, and I decided it was with him. So I kept coming back, and you said, watch how we live in our homes. Sure, I'll do anything at this point. And I kept coming back, but I still wasn't happy, and I still felt alone. Now I decided the love story was out in the world, the job, the family, and the people around me. So I kept coming back, and you said, let's study the 12 traditions and practice these principles in all our affairs. Why not? Everything else has worked so far.
So I kept coming back, and you said, stay in the middle, get honest, and help others. I could do two of the three. While I kept coming back, I also kept secrets. In fact, a little quick aside, just the other week, I called my sponsor. I was like, so I've been keeping a secret. Didn't want to tell you the truth about this thing. You know what she said? Oh honey, you don't have to do that. It's just like, we can let that go. I just love you. I'm like, oh. Why do I still get afraid that you will not love me back if I'm
[00:50:09]
vulnerable? That's why I keep coming back. I hid from you, and I stopped letting you in. I was scared and couldn't see it or admit it. Now that I wanted you to love me, I thought, if you really knew me, you might not. But I kept coming back, and you simply said, I love you, and you said it a lot. The edges softened. I let God in more and more, and walked through loss, grief, fear, and other people's stuff. And despite my first thought to run, I stayed. I stayed and stopped running, sitting in the discomfort, and let God work on me. Finally, I could say to each of you, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. And then you all said it back. My heart cracked, and I was free. I was able to say, and it turns out, the love story is with me. Thank you very much.