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Source: Ellen C – Practicing These Principles – Part 1 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ellen-c-practicing-these-principles-part-1-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:45:04
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Let's get that out of the way. I know what's underneath everything today. I know. It was there at breakfast this morning, it was there at dinner last night, it's outside on the highways, it's very exciting. My name is Ellen C. and I'm an enthusiastic, boundlessly grateful Al-Anon. And I am delighted to be here and I'm delighted that this many people, even when they saw the word traditions, were willing to come.
And I'm excited about the day. This is my experience Strength and Hope. Let me tell you a little bit about how this format came around. I have a, on Wednesday nights at my house, a Gals Eye sponsor come over and we do a book study. And we've been doing it for years and years and years and years and every time we change books the people change because there will be different people who want to come do a different book.
Most of the time we do conference approved literature, but we also do non-conference approved literature. It's a 12-step meeting is what it is. And several times through the years I have attempted to do the traditions with them. We start out with 10, 11, 12, we end up with two. Hey, that's done, yes, can't do it. So one year we decided we would do it. The traditions as they related to our personal relationships.
And we pulled some Mary Pearl stuff, we pulled AA stuff, we pulled Dave and Polly stuff, and we looked at all of their stuff through the years, how they, through that year. And we rewrote the traditions. They won't let me rewrite the steps, but nobody said I couldn't rewrite the traditions. So we did that. So that's what you have on your table is, you'll see the traditions that we're talking about and the questions that we came up with to check myself on that tradition.
And my intention is to share my own experience, strength, and hope with you. This is an ongoing, continuing to evolve deal. When I sat down to get ready for you all, I realized I'm in a different place with these than I was the last time I did this workshop. So I'm very interested in whatever experience you have with these today. Please feel free to let me know. The steps answered my lifelong questions of who I am and what I want to be.
And the steps gave me the basic tools to be her. The most important question that the steps answered for me wasn't even on the list when I started doing the steps. And that is, what is my relationship with God? The answer to that question has been my spiritual awakening. And now I found a power greater than myself which can solve my problem. I have one problem. That is a self-centered fear based on the delusion that I'm separate from God.
And that's what I do in my diseasiness as I separate myself. I think God is someplace else doing something else with somebody else just like you are. In my case, this power has accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible. I am not by any stretch of the imagination who I was 20 however many, however long ago 1981 was. It was like my kid's age. I don't know how old they are anymore. I just remember when they were born.
However long ago. That was a long time ago. I am by no means that same person. I am by no means the same person I was a year ago. There's been a revolutionary change in my living. I have a new sense of power and direction. I found the great reality deep within. My life has been transformed. And that's the process of the steps. They are not a process of change. They're a process of transformation. I'm the one, I can try some changing, but only God can do the transformation.
And that's what happens going through the steps. The charge in step 12 is to carry the message and practice the principles. Okay, who am I going to practice these principles with? People. Which implies I'm going to have to be in relationships with them. Tradition 1 picks up right there and tells me I must be in relationships to continue to grow spiritually. And they can be wonderful relationships, joyful relationships, and that's what I crave.
To create that fellowship I crave, whether it's in my family or my friends or my co-workers, my real reliance has to be on God for me and for them. Not that they have to have reliance on God, but that has to be where I put them, in God's
[00:05:03]
hands. Tradition 2. Just like step 2. And it's amazing how closely related the steps and the traditions are. The principle at step 1 is unity. The principle at tradition 1 is unity. The principle at step 2 is God's the only power. That's exactly what happens in tradition 2. The program says, it promises that when our relationship, and that's the word you get, when his relationship with God is right, great events will come to pass for us and countless others.
And that's always what I wanted. I wanted great events to come to pass for me and countless others. Except I wanted to be the instigator. I wanted to be the mover and the shaker who made those great things happen. But all I had were reaction ships. I did what I did because I was trying to get a reaction out of you. Those are not relationships. It's a reaction ship. I only knew one way to interact with people then and I only know one way now.
Because I bring the same thing, of course, the way I interact with people, please God, is healthier and much more fun today than it used to be. But I bring the same thing to every relationship, whether it's my dog or God or my sponsor. It's me. That's what I bring. That's what I bring. Complete with all my gifts and talents, needs, neuroses, opinions and fears. I have the same relationship with God that I do with my dog.
I have the same relationship with my boss that I do with my children. Now, my emotional involvement with them will intensify that relationship. But it's the same. Because all I got to bring is me. That's kind of scary. Before program, my relationship with God slash life, whatever the God of your understanding is, was that God was way too busy. I had to be responsible for a lot because God was way too busy to be responsible for all this little stuff.
God was really not to be trusted because you didn't know what was going to happen. So I needed to have a lot of rules and I needed to enforce them, which it's very hard to have relationships when you're the policeman all the time. I often felt hurt and victimized. Today my relationship with God is very different. It is for the most part trusting and loving, although today I do the same thing with God that I do with people, which is I'll ask for help, but I won't always accept it.
The issue I have is not asking for help, it's accepting the help that comes. Because I think I know what the help is supposed to look like. And so the help comes along and I go, well, that can't be help. That doesn't look like help. And no, thank you, I'll pick something else. I have, I regularly say thank you, but I have a hard time saying you're welcome. I've come to learn in here that giving is a place of power and receiving is a place of vulnerability.
And that's why we always have to, you know, in our dis-easiness, we've got to go do one more thing. If they do something for us, we've got to go do one more thing, because it can't just stop there. That's way too vulnerable. I've got to be the one with the power and that's what we do when we're helping folks in our dis-easiness. As I was finding this relationship with God, the steps led me to the purpose of my life, to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me.
I don't do it perfectly, but I am armed with wonderful tools and I'm ready to try to practice, which is what the 12 steps say. It says, it doesn't say that we're going to go out and do it. We're just going to practice, practice, practice these principles in all my affairs. And if that's not where I am at the end of the steps, then anything, any relationship I try to have is going to be reaction ship again based on my self-centered fear.
How do I practice the principles? Do I sit around contemplating my navel, waiting for the voice of God to tell me what to do? Do I work on my relationships? Oh my gosh, my sponsor, she'd come through the phone when I'd tell her I was going to work on something and stop working on it! Stop it! She said, when you work on it, what you're trying to do is to get it to look the way you think it ought to look.
That's same old, same old. You keep doing the same old thing, you'll keep getting the same old results. So here come the traditions, because I obviously need a makeover when it comes to these relationships I need a makeover. The traditions are designed to teach me how to be. I don't know about you, but when I came to Al-Anon, I was a human doing.
[00:10:02]
And when I allow myself, when I get in one of those places that I slip back into default, I'm a human doing. That is not the plan for my life. My plan is that I should be a human being, and that's what the traditions have pointed the way for me, is how to be. The steps are written in the past tense. The traditions are written in present tense, because it's how we do it now. This is what we did to get through to the place where we could do this now.
They're the guides for me to go forward in my life and in relationships. The best me participates in relationships. For me to be healthy in relationships, I believe, is at least as lofty a goal as individual recovery. I think maybe that's why I was supposed to go through the steps, was so that I could be a participating member of relationships. The deal is that it involves risk and some guaranteed failure.
It promises life, rich and full. It's not the safe life. There's that quote in one of our books, I think it's Courage to Change, that ships are safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. This is about getting out of the harbor. This is about traveling the seas. Okay, I told you that part. Good, we are moving right along. Tradition one. Now, here's another thing. Our traditions came from AA's traditions, except they had already had some experience with them, so ours are whittled down a little bit.
The difference in tradition one is breathtaking, as far as I'm concerned, however. Al-Anon's first tradition says, our common welfare should come first, personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity, which says more of us will get better if we stick together. The AA tradition one says, our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends upon AA unity. Basically, it says, if you don't do this stuff, you aren't going to recover.
You aren't going to recover. It is critical to your life. Al-Anon covers this broad spectrum of people. We did a meeting the other night on bottoms, and we talked about the bottoms that we've hit before and after program. And there were a couple of people in there who said, you know what, I've never hit a bottom. Al-Anon has added to my life. It's a wonderful framework for me to build my spiritual life on, but I don't believe I've ever hit a bottom.
And those people are over here on this end, and then there are these people down here on this end, just like me. I would be dead, and I know it. I would be dead. The people who use the insurance first in an alcoholic home are non-alcoholics. We have a number of stress-related diseases and stress-related illnesses. I don't know anything more stressful than living in active alcoholism. But there are some people that it just doesn't seem to rub like it does the rest of us.
So this first tradition says our common welfare should come first. The common welfare of the relationship. Personal progress depends upon unity. The first word in the first step in the first tradition is our, just like the first word in the first step is we. I've been taught from the beginning that I cannot recover alone. If I could, I'd just go home and read my book, but I can't do it. If I believe that my life's work is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and people around me, then I don't know how you can do one without doing the other, actually.
The first step has to be to participate in the relationships, and that's a big risk. What if I do, what if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? They'll leave me. You know, we're in this program because they might leave me, and that's kind of scary. Or I can react, isolate, and defend. I can either be in these relationships or I can isolate, react, and defend. Those are my only two choices.
It's sort of like the thing that says this or alcoholic death or life on a spiritual basis. It's like, hmm, let me think that over. I'm not sure exactly what does alcoholic death look like, and I'm not sure I really want to turn it all over, but I'm convinced today that my life depends on obedience to spiritual principles, and this is what I choose to do. It isn't my recovery or somebody else's. Here's what I learned in Al-Anon, that what's good for me is
[00:15:02]
good for you. I don't believe that sacrificing my good is God's plan for my restoration. God doesn't give one person, the God of my understanding, doesn't give one person fulfillment and happiness at the expense of another person. And vice versa, they don't get it and I'm left out. That's not the way, at least not the God of my understanding. What's good for everyone else will be good for me too, whether I believe it or not.
And that's the principle that works in group conscience. I'm at best in relationship when I'm a student, a listener, and a contributor, a participant. Balance is a word that we talk about a lot in our rooms and usually how we're looking for it. I'm not sure that it isn't just another word for control. We have lots of words we use for control. I think the big book says that lack of power was our dilemma.
If we'd have written it, it would have said lack of control, that was our dilemma, you know. But I'm not sure that it isn't the same thing. I've discovered that I cannot find balance by myself. I need you. I need your perspectives, your ideas, even your feelings to help me find balance with mine. It can be helpful to our common welfare if the people with whom I have a relationship are aware of me and my feelings and my opinions, but it's not always required.
I have a relationship with Harrison Ford that apparently he knows nothing about. But then my issue is rarely how they are in the thing. The issue is how am I. I'll just admire him from afar and know that if he ever met me, it would be a sure thing, you know. Better to watch from a distance. Tradition one, like step one, is the problem. It tells me the problem, that if I'm going to do this thing, I'm going to have to be in a relationship with people and that's a problem.
It's a problem. It's something I can't control. Just like step one does. This is the place we start. Now, the questions with step one or tradition one are am I a loving, integrating, inclusive force in relationships or am I divisive, quick to criticize, slow to praise? Am I understanding? Can I detach when others rub me the wrong way or when something upsets me or am I abrasive and rageful, silent and withdrawn?
Do I fight or fly and uncomfortable as opposed to dis-easy? Now, there's a difference between being in uncomfortable situations and being in dis-easy situations. The dis-easy ones are when I need something back from you and I'm afraid I'm not going to get it. There are other times when I'm afraid I'm not going to be enough for me in a relationship. I'm afraid I'm not going to show up enough for me.
And those are the uncomfortable situations. I'm afraid God's not going to show up. That's uncomfortable. Or do I stand still? Oh, big risk standing still. You know, happiness sometimes is me in the rear view mirror. Is it critical that I be right? Oh, this is the one that's just eating my lunch right now, just eating my lunch. My sponsor, you know, I've heard that thing about do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?
Isn't it the same thing? I mean, I'm thinking I'm happy when I'm right, you know. Even if it's a bad thing I'm right about, I'm still happy about it. My sponsor says, do you want to be right or do you want to be free? And that's what I want. That's really what I want for me is I want to be free. I want to be free from the bondage of myself. I want to be free from those old ideas that nail me in the corner, you know.
I want to be free from that. And so, if that means I got to give up right to be free, okay. But boy, is it hard. Man, I'm glad you agree. Do I demonstrate tolerance and respect for others? Do I allow outside interests or pressures to affect the unity of my relationships? If I do that, why do I do that? What's going to happen when we're done with this first little bit is I'm going to give you all about 20 minutes as a group at your table to talk about these, I'm going to do three traditions and you're going to have a chance to talk about them with each other.
And I'd like to make rules for you. I've really been debating because usually I have a lot of rules for what the people at the table have to do. But I'm not going to give you rules today. I'm going to let you do it however, whatever works for your table. I will tell you that it will be a richer experience if you stay at this table all day, if these are your people all day. So, I hope you love them.
At least, I hope you love them in a special way and maybe you
[00:20:06]
can learn to like them. In my relationships there is but one authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience, our mutual decisions. Each of us is a trusted servant, no one governs. The principle here is the principle of a higher power, higher than we are. The same God that restores me directs me in relationships. My best choices are up to God. You know that? I know that a lot of days when I say, God, this is what I want.
But I know that you have something even better. The worst enemy of best is good. You know, this is good enough. And there are leaders in Al-Anon. I mean, it'd be hard for you to get a room of people who are in control and there wouldn't be leaders, you know. But there are leaders and we need leaders. Otherwise, we'd be playing herd ball. You know, have you ever watched like a five-year-old soccer team?
Watch those little kids play soccer, you know. They just, this little herd just moves all around the field and until somebody gets hurt and then they run off to mom. If we didn't have leaders, that's what we'd be doing. We'd be playing herd ball. The trick is for them, for us to not give them any more power than human being, either in our eyes or theirs. But each of us gets a chance to be a leader.
Every one of us gets a chance to be a leader based on our talents and our gifts. And I'm willing and willingness is the key to the lock. I'm willing to be in relationships and I recognize I am not in charge. This is such good news. This is good news. This is about my relationships, not yours and not Harrison's. I can't make this decision for anyone else. I don't believe I'm God's helpless victim in relationships.
I don't believe God puts people in my life and takes them out or makes them and me behave in certain ways or directs the weather to make my life happier or miserable. That's not the God of my understanding. Maybe the God of yours and that's fine. That's not mine. But I do believe that when we reach a mutual agreement, it's a God deal because that's where I put the power. If I decide God's in charge, God's in charge of my part of this relationship and that's all I can turn over.
I know that God is either everything and everywhere or nowhere and nothing. So for me, it's usually everywhere and everything. So I welcome, I seek and I welcome God's manifestations in my life, your will or not mine. Not mine, God. Your will, not mine. I believe God is the ultimate authority and that with or without my help or yours, God looks down every day and says it's good. Every day. I don't believe God looks down and goes, God, I wish that child could get it right.
I just wish he could. I don't think God says that. I think God goes, I see how hard you're working and I'm so proud of you. That's what I think. That's the God I need. My sponsor said I can have the God I need. I don't believe that God can be on one side of, just one side of a decision. Always, you know, I hate to tell you this, but those football players make me crazy when they go, God just was on our side.
Poor God is busy in a football game. You know, that's hard work. But I don't think he can be on just one side. And that's, I have to trust God to be everywhere. The deal here is my, gosh, I've had two main sponsors and they both have tried so hard to teach me this. That it isn't that you see God and then you believe. You have to believe and then you see God. You have to trust. And then, you know, it's like, back to Harrison again, but you know there's a, one of those movies he was in where he has to, he's hunting the Holy Grail and it's across this big chasm and he has to step out into the chasm.
You know what I'm saying? And the path, the rocks don't appear until he steps out. He has to put his foot out there and then the rock comes. And then every step he takes there's another rock. And that's the deal with God. And that's why I have to keep coming to meetings. That's why we have to keep talking about this stuff because I forget that. And I need you to tell me that. That God is there when I need God to be there, which is all the time.
And if I step out in faith, I am always supported. God's taught me that he, Al-Anon taught me that God made me to be me and you to be you. You are not supposed to be another shade of me, which is what I get into when I need you to do certain things so they look okay to me. I just want you to be another shade of me.
[00:25:01]
How boring a world would this be? God's given us each talents and gifts that when we use them, everybody's life is enhanced and fulfilled. I heard a story the other day about some guy saying there was no such thing as God because if there was a God, why is all this misery in the world, all this pain and hurt and hunger and just plain meanness. And God spoke to him and said, I did do something. I made you.
And we have the talents and the gifts. We have the abilities to make the most wonderful place on the planet if we will use our talents. That's like, right, talking to Cliff yesterday and Cliff's talking about how he's loved being delicate and I'm hearing how good he was at being delicate and I think, shoot me. Don't make me be delicate because I couldn't do that if my life depended on it. But I don't have to because it's Cliff's, it's his thing, you know, that's his talent.
He's good at that. And I'm so glad that the people who are good at that do what you're good at. You know, Al-Anon and AA allow you to try out for different places. That's why you got to do every little thing. You got to make the coffee, bring the doughnuts, try DR, see if that works for you, see if you, you know, see what it is where you fit. There'll be lots of places you don't fit but there'll be one place that'll light your fire and that's where you belong.
I love doing this. I can't tell you how much I enjoy being in a relationship with you because you and I, as this day goes on, we are building a relationship. And I connect with you. I absolutely love that. I absolutely love it. There are other people who are terrified to stand up here and do this. It's not their thing. They don't have to. They can go be delegates. The power trusts us to do that, to use our gifts and talents.
The power trusts us to do that, to use our gifts and talents. And the power, that higher power is always our greatest cheerleader. I don't know if you feel that but I feel that sometimes. I hear God standing over there going, yeah, go Ellen, go, go, go, go. I am a teacher's aide for three year olds. Oh my gosh. It's hard to call that a job. It's just more fun than the law allows. And I have the best time in the playroom sitting on the sideline while they're out there playing in the middle of the playroom.
And that's what I do. And it's what I think God does for us is sit on the bench and go, go, Cameron, go. Yes, ma'am. Cameron came in the other day. Cameron is the youngest one in our room and the last one to be totally potty trained. It's been quite a challenging fall. Because he's devious. He's devious. And when they came back from Christmas break, his grandmother said, we have the best news. Cameron is pooping in the potty.
Yes. I was almost in tears. It was such a fabulous gift. So I had these ten kids by myself the other day, Thursday. I have them by myself from lunch on and everybody goes to potty and I hear Cameron in the potty. Oh, Miss Ellen has a really deep voice. Miss Ellen, you need to come see this. I'm thinking. It would not be beyond him to decorate the walls, you know. Okay. And I go in the bathroom and there he stands with the seat up on the toilet, pants down around his shoes, and he's going.
And there's poop in the potty, yes. He was so excited we were almost in tears, the two of us, over that, you know. Oh, Cameron. And he hit my hand and a big high five and put his lips up to get kissed. He was so pleased with himself, you know. And I think God does the same thing over this stuff. I think it's just nothing. I think God has that same reaction, you know. I'm so proud of you, I could cry.
It just doesn't seem like it was that big. In a way, God is my trusted servant. Always, always constantly offering support and guidance and comfort through the ups and downs of this human experience. Whether I accept it or not. But like all relationships, the process works best when I consciously participate. There can't be any group conscience if I don't speak up. It's my place. It's my responsibility.
God trusts me to be me. And because I believe God does that, spirit doesn't ever tell me what to do. It's not the direction I get. When I do hear his voice, he'll say things like, hey, there's a big truck barreling down the road at you. You see it? Oh, I might want to get out of the way. That's the kind of trusted servant I want to be in relationships.
[00:30:00]
It's Requested, But Not My Rules or Even My Helpful Suggestions, You Know, The Killer Phrase Is, But I Was Just Trying to Help, Danger Will Robinson, Danger, You Know, Do I Insist on Being the Leader or Do I Act As If God Is in Charge and How Does That Feel, This Is Where I'm Living Right This Minute, My Husband Is About to be 69, Which Doesn't Sound Very Old to Me, He Came Home from Work About 3 Years Ago, He's Perfectly Happy With That, Not So Happy, But He's Perfectly Happy With That, And He Doesn't Have Any Structure, And So, He's Not Doing Stuff The Way I Think He Ought to Be Doing Stuff, I'm Telling You, If I Told You Some of The Stuff, I Told Cliff and Terrell On Him Last Night, But I'm Not Going to Tell You All the Stuff, But If I Told You What He's Doing, You Would Go, Whoo, That Boy Needs a Keeper, And I Get Scared, I Get Scared The Stuff Isn't Going to Get Done, It Isn't Going to Get Done Right, And I Immediately Awfulize, You Know, When I Go Into, But Something Horrible Is Going to Happen, And, And That Doesn't Feel Good At All, At All, It Feels A Whole Lot Better, We Had Another Incident The Other Night, Thing Happened, Ended Up Costing Us Almost $600, Because He Forgot to Do This One Thing, And I Was Feeling Myself All Over Trying to See How I Feel About What Happened, And I Didn't Feel the Need to Say Anything About It When It Happened, Didn't Feel the Need to be Angry, Didn't Feel the Need to be Chiding, Or Shaming, Or Any of Those Things, And That Evening, When I, It Seemed Like the Right Time, I Went In and I Said, How Can I Help You, What Can I Do, So That This, You Won't Worry About This Happening Anymore, What Can I Do to Help You, And I'm Thinking, Who's, Where'd That Come From, But That Feels So Much Better, Is Any Member of My Family, Or Coworker, Or Friend More Important Than Others, Well, Of Course They Are, But Why Is That So, Must I Have Human Praise or Validation for My Actions and Ideas, It's Important to Know Whether the Discomfort I Feel is a Need to be Heard or a Need to Speak, We Are Not Very Good at Speaking Up, And, And I'm Going to Tell You the Process of Learning to Speak Up is Not Pretty, And There Will Be Some Times When It Comes Out as a Big, And There Will Be Other Times When You'll Go Away with a Sore Throat, Because You Should Have Said Something and You Didn't, But It's Practice, Practice, Practice, Do I Participate Doing Just My Part in Relationships with God, Self, and Others, Is That Only My Opinion, How Do I Feel and React When I Think Someone Else Tries to Do, Tries to or Does Dominate Our Relationship, And I'll Tell You the Way I Diagnose That When I Get Defensive, My, That's What I Do is I Get Defensive, I Act Like There's Something Here I Got to Fight, And That's Because I'm Thinking Somebody's Going to Take Over, That's That Old Thing of Me Giving My Power Away, You Know, And Here We Go, How Does Participation Is the Key to Harmony, Relate to This Tradition, All Right, Tradition Three, The Only Requirement for a Relationship is a Desire to Be in it, Any Number, When Gathered Together for Mutual Benefit May Call Itself a Healthy Relationship, And the Principle Here is the Same Principle at Step Three, And That is the Principle of Desire, I Believe Desire Has to Come Before Willingness, I Can't Be Willing to Do Anything if I Don't Have a Desire for it to be Different, If I Don't Have a Desire to Be Helped, If I Don't Have a Desire, And You Know What, You Can't Give Anybody Desire, You Can't Give It to Them, Just Hope that When Desire Hits Them, They're in a Place Where They Can Accept Some Help, When I Was New, My Sponsor Asked Me One Day How I Was, And I Said, Well, Under the Circumstances, I Guess I'm Okay, And She Said, What Are You Doing Down There, But See, I Was in Relationship with the Conditions, I Was in Relationship with Conditions, I Was Pretty Much the Only One in the Relationship, And It Was a One Down Relationship, You Know What I Mean, The Conditions Were First and Me Second, They Had the Power, And I Was Second, True to Form, I've Given the Power in My Life to Those Conditions, And I Was Their Victim, Same Relationship I Had with Lots of People, I Told You I Can Only Have One Kind of Relationship, That's What I Did, I Didn't Realize I Had Made That Choice, I Didn't Know I Had Any Choices, But the Only Requirement for a Relationship is a Desire to Be There, And I Needed the Conditions to Be the Reason My Life Sucked, And Not My Self-Serving Behavior, So I Subconsciously Chose to Be
[00:35:03]
Down There, I've Chosen to Be in Many One Down Relationships, Where I Perceived Myself as Less Valuable Than What I Was in Relationship With, And It Used to Be, If You Had a Problem, You Had a Relationship, It's the Only Requirement, See, If You Don't Have Some of Those Today, Just See, Today I Can Have an Extraordinary, Even Healthy Relationship with Someone, Whether That Person Participates or Participates at the Same Level I Do in the Relationship.
In Tradition Three, Just Like in Step Three, I Turn Over the Will, My Will, I Turn Over My Life and My Will, And That Means I'm Turning Over the Will of Other People. Non-Participation in a Relationship May Be a Cannot or a Will Not, You Know, There's a Big Difference Between That, There are People Who Cannot Be in Relationship, They Can't Do It, And There are People Who Will Not. There are People in My Life, Dear, Dear People, Who Can't Be Intimate, Can't, Are Not Willing to Do Any Changing Thing, And They're Not Open and Honest.
I Consider the Fact that I'm Standing Still and Loving Them and Growing Through the Experience Extraordinary, That I'm Not Having to Make Them Be Something, So I Can Be in This Relationship With Them. If I'm in This Deal for Our Mutual Benefit, Then It's a Healthy Relationship for Me. But Just Because I'm in This for My Mutual, For Our Mutual Benefit, Doesn't Mean You Are, So It May Not Be a Healthy Relationship for You.
That's Your Choice. It's Fabulous When Two or More Are Gathered Together for Mutual Benefit and Develop a Healthy Relationship. It's a Win-Win Situation. Which Doesn't, Of Course, Mean that It Always Feels Good. And That's the Risk. See I've, I've, I've Done Some, I've Done Some Perfectly Horrible Things in My Life because I Didn't Want to Feel Bad. We Talk About Enabling, That I, We'll Talk About That in a Minute.
There's a distinct risk of being hurt here because there are always seeming failures. But I get how I'm feeling and how I'm doing confused. There really isn't any relationship between how I'm, not much of one, between how I'm feeling and how I'm doing. If I'm doing something counter to an old idea, counter to an old pattern, I'm not going to feel good about it. It doesn't mean that I'm not doing something that's really good for me.
How I'm feeling in reality are not always connected. Haven't you ever had that happen? Something, something happens in your life and you have this huge reaction to it. And someone goes, wow, that's a mighty big reaction for this little thing that happened. That's because it's an old, it's an old, old hurt that's surfaced again. And I have not dealt with it all the way in here. You know, that's the thing.
You can not deal with it today if you want to. But it'll be back tomorrow and it'll be uglier and bigger and more people will watch you. Poverty means growing, which means changing, which often doesn't set well with me. I only like changes that I like. Troublesome people are my principal teachers of patience and tolerance. I sponsor some troublesome people. And I love them in a special way, but, and I've tried, I've tried through two sponsors to fire a couple of these folks and my sponsors have said that's not your job.
Your job with her is to learn how to love her where she sits, you know. She does the work. She shows up. She's, she participates in the program and your job is to learn. And I look at those people as some of my greatest teachers. It's easy to love most of you, but there's a few. I want to give you plenty of time. So what does that mean? What does that say? I sponsor a bunch of women. There you go. That's a problem.
It's a bunch of women. And there's a lot of hormones and there's a lot of opinions and there's a lot of ideas and women, just women stuff. And my sponsor told me when I was, the first time somebody asked me to sponsor them, I was terrified and she said you have one job as a sponsor and that is to take them through the steps and to get them in touch with the power of the group. That's your job. And all of a sudden I had like five people who wanted me to sponsor them and need to go through the steps and I just didn't think there were enough hours in the day.
And that's when this little group started, this was lots of years ago, started where
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I took them all through the steps at the same time. And I was getting them in touch with the power of that group, which was fabulous. And I've let them have separate relationships, you know, and they go, they really, a lot of them turned out to be each other's best friend, except for the ones they didn't like. And then what happens is, because we're human, stuff happens. You know, stuff happens. And you're trying to be in this, but because they were in those relationships, they would come to me and they'd say, you know what she said to me?
And it's somebody else I sponsor who's already come to me and said, she is such a bitch. And what I, what has been wonderful to watch is to tell them, why are you in that relationship? Do you love her? Do you want this to keep on? Well, you're going to have to stand still and talk this out. And I've watched them do it. I've watched them do it. Stand there and talk through those deals. And you know, it's been so many years that people come and people go and they've evolved, a lot of them evolved into different places in their lives and they don't all hang out together anymore like they used to hang out together and they had to all work through that like they did.
But I tell you, those are some of the richest relationships where they can talk through those things and walk through those things and sit still through those things. Do I judge others' intentions or sincerity? If so, why do I do that? And if I don't, why don't I do that? Do I focus on offering love and support in my relationships, sharing only my experience, strength and hope when requested, or do I give helpful suggestions?
Well, it depends on how scared I am. Years ago when my daughter, just sober for the second time, and it had been really rough for a while there and she was, she would call me, she was young, I mean, she was early 20s and she'd call me up and she'd start giving me, you know, what the problem du jour was and I'm a good mama and I've got lots of solutions, helpful suggestions, and I would start, those would start in my head and I'd start giving them to her over the phone.
And at one point she said to me, Mom, I didn't call you for you to fix me. I called you to listen. That's a much harder job than fixing. It's an uncomfortable place to sit. It's not this easy. It's uncomfortable. It's an uncomfortable place to be. But that's, if I just sit there and love her, and, you know, lots of times they'll come to me for, they'll say they want my opinion, but they don't really want my opinion.
They just want to stir something up. And when I quit giving them all those ideas, it really upset them. It was like, you don't care anymore. And I developed a whole other way of dealing with them, which was, both of my children, which was, you know, I have all the confidence in the world in you. I know that you will do what you need to do. And I know that the best, you'll do the best thing that needs to be done in this situation.
And it's working. Am I committed to or do I encourage other spiritual and professional freedom as well as individual growth, or do I feel threatened by their success? Do I listen when others share their opinions and feelings without making it about me or trying to change them? Do I share my opinions and feelings without making it about them and expecting them to fix me? Do I have a desire to be in my current relationships or do I feel like a captive in some of them?
Am I working on being healthy in them? What does that look like? How important is honesty and trust in a healthy relationship? And the question there is, who do I trust? Who do I trust? Do I trust them to be a certain way? Do I trust me to be a certain way? You know, the issue of trust is a big deal for most of us in this program. We're here because we don't trust. And I came in and went, and who would live in an alcoholism?
Who would? What could you trust in alcoholism? The truth is, I discovered here, is that the person I don't trust is me. I don't trust me to do what needs to be done to take care of myself. I don't trust me. And how can I trust you or God or any other power if I don't trust me? And that's what I have to do if I'm going to be healthy in a relationship is trust myself. Trust myself to be and do what it is I want and need to do and be.
All right, darlings, you are going to have 25 minutes to, I'm not going to make the rules, oh, it's so hard. Enjoy those questions. back at 11.