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Source: Dawn C – OAR 2010 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: dawn-c-oar-2010-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:53:43
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Hi Dawn. My name is Dawn and I am a grateful member of Al-Anon. My home group is the Tuesday Search for Serenity in Chicago, Illinois. It's a privilege to be here. I want to thank Brenda and the committee for asking me and for keeping in touch with me over the year. I want to thank Carolyn and Dot for the hospitality they've shown to me and for the wonderful guests that have been in the room for me and for the sweater and for having the privilege of listening to Ellen and laughing last night, just laughing, you know. And sorry I didn't get to hear Dennis, but I'm going to get his CD. And after that, thank you. You know, I was chatting with Mary today. What a privilege it is to be in a room with Mary again. We looked at the books and I realized that my husband and I spoke here in 1987. And I realized how much my life has changed since then. And what a privilege it is that I'm still out here carrying the message, you know. To be a channel, you know, that's what I pray, to be a channel so that God can flow through me and use me. And I think about when I was young and I had this desire to speak, you know. And I remember one time when the Council of Churches in Detroit had a youth group and they asked me to be their speaker, not because I had any gifts of speaking, but because my father was an AME bishop and they just thought maybe coming up in an Episcopal residence I would have some gift. And I remember getting in front of the congregation and I looked at them and they looked at me and I looked at them and they looked at me and I put on my coat and I went home. The truth of the matter is I had nothing to say, you know. I had absolutely nothing to say. And I remember that self-centered fear, you know, of speaking in front of anybody. I would just, just my muscles in my face would shake and I would just, but I could speak when I got in the car with Peter. I was an expert then on telling him how to work a program. He never listened.
That's one of the problems of our relationship. He wouldn't listen to me. About, oh, I guess about 40 years ago, has it been that long? No, maybe 35 years ago. I'd been in the program for a while and I was one of the slow learners. You know, I would go to meetings and I was just a basket of nerves. I would go and I'd write down stuff that I thought was important and I started my own meeting, which was a disaster because I thought I knew it all and yet I couldn't say anything. You can see what a combination that was. We went out to the old Hen and Wye and I maybe went to about four meetings and then I became an expert on Al-Anon and started my own group. And here's where I started my, I started my own group the same place where my husband's meeting was. What a coincidence, you know. See, he would go to meetings and he would get there at 7 and he didn't get home until midnight.
And I knew something was going on. I knew, here's what I knew. I knew all those AA women wanted my husband. I mean, here he was, without a job, didn't have a car, had a habit of wetting his pants when he got drunk. They called him Pissy Pete. I know, I know that he was quite a catch. And I knew they were after him. So I started a meeting right there where his meeting was so I could see what was going on. And this woman said to me, she was my partner in starting the meeting. Her husband was also in the program. And she said, what we should do is you ride to the meeting with me and then you get in your husband's, this time he had a car. She said, get in the back of this. He had a car, by the way, that he lost a couple of weeks later. He got drunk and couldn't, he just lost the car. We never did find that car but we kept paying on it. But she said to lay in the back of the car and put a blanket over me and then I would know whether or not he was fooling around with women. And I asked her to be my sponsor. I liked her wisdom. You know, I liked what
[00:05:01]
she had to offer. Good Lord, good Lord. How we made it, I have no idea. Only the grace of God, you know. We were this broken, broken couple. But what happened was I remember that about 35 years ago, our little boy was having some problems and we took him to a psychiatrist. And she said she'd like to talk to Peter first and then she'd talk to me. So she said to Peter, she said, what kind of parenting did you receive? And Peter said, oh, on a scale of one to ten, I received a zero or a one. So then she looked at me and I was sitting there with this sense of self-righteousness, you know. You know, totally into my own disease.
She said, what kind of parenting did you receive? I said, I received an eight or a nine. She said, you're the problem. She said, no one who received an eight or nine would marry someone who received a zero or a one. I did not like that at all. I did not like that at all. See, I had this illusion that I came from a wonderful, all-together family. My father was the bishop in the Methodist Church. My father, we didn't have alcohol in our house. There was no alcohol whatsoever. Interestingly enough though, recently I've been thinking about it and I think that my grandfather could have had a problem with alcohol. You know, he had a stroke and therefore he wasn't able to drink anymore. He was also a minister and so he had to do that kind of closet drinking. But the thing that was interesting, my grandmother carried with her letters from the congregations that he had pastored about women who had had affairs with my grandfather. And she had this bitterness and this rage.
And my father was raised by these two people. So, you know, the ism was there in the family. Now, we didn't drink, but what we did was eat. We were the eatingest family you ever saw in your life. We ate from the time we got up until the time we went to bed. And the other side of the disease is this eating thing, you know. And that's where we were. I can remember it was like a church. We'd have these great services and then we'd all go down in the basement of the church and eat ourselves into a frenzy. It was just wonderful, you know. You just couldn't get enough, you know. And in this home, my mother didn't really like children, but she had eight. But there's a limit to what you can do if you're a Methodist preacher. You know, they couldn't go to movies, they couldn't do so-and-so. So, what they did was have eight babies. And I was the last of the eight babies, you know. They were tired.
They stopped when they reached perfection. Nobody told me that but me. But into this family, you know, Mama lost three children before I was born. And she was very distant from us. She said that she just didn't have… She said her mother had never hugged her and so she didn't know what to do with children. And so my grandfather was the caretaker who took care of me in particular. He moved and lived with us when we moved to Detroit. And my grandfather sexually abused me, so I grew up with this little girl in this big family with these terrible feelings about self.
You know, I have joined church at least a hundred times. On a Sunday morning, my father, who was an elephant preacher, would preach a sermon and open the doors of the church. And here I was, this little kid, five and six years old, who would come down and get on my knees and ask God to clean me up. Little children aren't dirty. They just aren't dirty. But that's what I felt growing up, this being different than anybody else. And in this family, my mother had these other children who were very interesting. My role model was my oldest sister. And I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. The thing about my oldest sister was she was very attractive and she was thin. That's a measure of her gifts, you know. Now, she was a schizophrenic.
And I remember the night before she got married, she put those little pieces and threw them down on her husband to be thin. And I thought that was the most romantic thing I had ever seen. And I said, well, I'm going to treat them just like that. It was really wonderful. Then this other sister, whose job it was to take care of us was mean. We called her the Gestapo with rumors. But then there's brothers of mine who were very gifted human beings. One wanted to be an actor, but you can't be an actor in partnership. So he ended up being a preacher. Then this other brother
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wanted to be a jazz musician. And my father just put a stop to that. And he ended up being a jazz musician, but changed his name. So it was an interesting home. There was no one who sang. You'd come to our house and you'd think it was a Mormon tabernacle. We sang these beautiful hymns and there was music going at all times. And my father would leave the house and the spiritual music would stop and we'd start being Busy Smith and Ella Fitzgerald and all the other singers. And we would just carry on and dance. And then dad would come home and we'd go back and do this.
And my father said, these are the most devout children I have ever seen. And I remember at church, people would come up to my mother and say, you know, these are bad children. And my mother said, no, they're mischievous. They are not bad. And he said, we've got the janitor of the church in the basement with a telephone booth turned to the wall so he can't get out. And dad would be in there screaming and we would just, we had no business trying to discipline us. Nobody told us what to do. And we'd bring Easter eggs to the church. We'd never dye them and never boil them. And we'd come up and we'd see people who spoke to us harshly with eggs coming down there. And I'd go to my mother and say, they're awful. My mother said, they're just mischievous. It was an interesting place to grow up. I grew up without any sense of discipline.
You know, I remember once mom said to me, you know, you need to learn how to do something. And so she decided, dad said he'd give me 25 cents a week to dust. Well, I didn't need, that's my phone probably ringing. It's one of my sponsors. Just turn it off. I remember mama would try to teach me how to do housework. And I'd say, mama, you have to understand that when I get old, I'm going to marry a poor man and I'm going to have to work. And so I need to rest now. And she bought it. She bought it. So I never did learn how to do anything. By this time, my father started the church, had about 300 members by the time.
And this was in the late thirties. He had 6,000 members of the largest black churches in the country. Other than Amistad in New York, it was a gigantic church at that point. And people were wonderful to me. I mean, I go to church on Sunday with a person begging for money. I can't even remember. I was mean. I was angry. I was full of self-pity. I was full of resentment. I just couldn't, just a mess. I wonder why I married an alcoholic.
But into that home, it was just, I remember my dad was elected a bishop in the church and we moved from the parsonage to the Episcopal residence. And by this time, mom and daddy had help. And I was just a personality with just a disorder. I became this grossly obese young woman, just eating myself into a frenzy all the time, trying to fill the hole, this emptiness that was in me all the time, trying to fill it up. And I used food that way. And then one day I discovered I could sing and that was going to be a real difference. I started singing and I could sing then. I can't now. I have surgery on my vocal cords. It's a miracle I can talk.
And my kids say, thank you. I don't think they were ever impressed with the gift I thought I had. But anyway, I was singing and this choir director, he gave me lessons and then he let me sing the solos. And I thought maybe now I have my time because my mother was so busy with the church work and with dad. Isn't there singing enough? I never looked at that like this. My mother, they were wonderful human beings. I have absolutely, I can say nothing, nothing, but my mother had no addictions whatsoever. Her only addiction was my father.
She loved my dad. My mother said to me one day, she said, you know, if anything ever happens to dad, I would fold up like an accordion that has played its piece. I thought that was romantic. That's codependency. You know, that really isn't, that's not a very healthy thing. But anyway, and her other addiction was popcorn. I don't think that's going to get her in these rooms. She passed that on to us. But anyway, I remember this.
I remember this singing and this choir director, the first time a man ever paid any attention
[00:15:06]
to me, being a fat child, you know, not many people, I remember one time a man was going to come, boy, was going to come and call on me and my dad said, no, no, no, you're not 18 yet, you're not supposed to date until you're 18, and my brother said anybody who'd come to see her, let them come, whatever, but the choir director gave me attention and on the way home from church she took advantage of me and I was this 18-year-old girl who'd never been on a date, and that summer we went to Europe, my mother and my father and my sister and I, and I knew that on the ship that there was something wrong with me.
But this mind of mine that was not really all together, that did not think clearly, the thought hit me, you know what, I think I'm pregnant, I'm going to have a child and I'm going to have somebody who's going to be with me all the time, and I remember nine months from that time I went to women's hospital, I'd been in labor for two days and I delivered a ten-pound, four-ounce baby boy and my mother and father were in total shock, just shock, you know. I remember my dad came to the hospital and my dad said, just get yourself together, it's going to be all right, and I remember us getting in the car, leaving that hospital and my brother was driving the car and dad was sitting on the side, my sister and my mom were on my side, and a woman opened the door of the car and snatched the baby out of my arms and we drove on and my father said, I've lived an exemplary life before you, my father said, you get yourself together, my father said, just make something, go back to school, make something of yourself, this is it, and I remember raging and I remember running from church to church looking for that baby and then one day I woke up and I said, the only thing that's wrong with me is I'm fat, I'm going to fix the outside of me. I spent a lot of time in my life trying to fix the outside of me, when the inside was crying with pain, you know. I found a diet doctor and the diet doctor gave me shots and pills, it's a wonder I didn't qualify for another program. I would take these pills and I would, this shot and then I wouldn't eat for just, I'd drink coffee, black coffee and I'd eat fruit and then about a year from that date, this grossly obese, homely child looked in the mirror and this stone fox was standing there. I mean, I was looking good.
Now, I knew this wasn't going to last long because food was over here calling my name, but I looked good that summer. I mean, I looked so good that summer, my brother said I could ride in the front seat with him. Now, you know, that's good, you know. I mean, they never allowed me to do that and young men were falling out of the wall saying, I want to date your sister, I want to date your sister and this young man who was pastoring a church in Pontiac, fine young man, really had his life together. He was doing a really good job and he fell in love with the outside of me and he said, Dawn, I've fallen in love with you. He said, will you marry me? And I said, yes. Well, this other young man who was working for the government fell in love with the outside of me too and he said, Dawn, I've fallen in love with you. Will you marry me? And I said, yes. I mean, this was a lot of attention for an obese child to get, you know, all at once. I am popular, you know.
And I remember this young man had just come home from the service and he was kind of spacey. Well, they had said that his military, his drinking was interfering with his military service and so they asked him to leave the service. And I remember the first night I saw him, he was at his mother's house and his mother brought this platter of food. I thought it was for the family and she put it in front of him. And he consumed it all and it was love at first bite because I was so hungry, you know. And we walked to the bus stop because he didn't have a car. He didn't have the job. Had just enough money from his mustering out pay to show me. Here's the thing, too, that was really exciting.
He would take me to a bar. I'd never been to a bar in my life. And we'd walk in and they'd say, Dr. Crawford. I said, wow, he's a doctor. I didn't know that. Then we'd go to another bar and they'd say, Attorney Crawford. I said, wow, this man is something, you know. Then we'd go to another one and I forgot he was an engineer. I said, Peter, how have you done all this in your short life? He said, I'm just a man of the world, you know. We were standing at a bus stop and he was telling me, he said, you know, Dawn, I am an alcoholic.
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I said, that is so romantic. Wow. All your great thinkers are alcoholics. You know, this is really something. And he said something that was like magic to me. He said, Dawn, he said, I need you. Come on now. What do you think that did? It was like resounding, I need you, I need you, I need you. I could hear it. It went from my head to my soul. I looked at this man and he was looking really spacey and I said, this is a project. This is a project. I have a job, you know. I know I can straighten this man up and some day somewhere he's going to stand in a corner and he's going to point over there and say I owe it all to her because she put my life together. He never got that message. He never got that message, you know. That was the beginning. I remember we eloped. Now, why did we elope?
We eloped because Mama had died and my father had said that I will never marry again. He said, I have loved your mother. And he said that this, I will spend the rest of my life just doing ministry and remembering her. So a month later when he brought his bride home, I was really angry. And I remember going to him and I said, Dad, how could you do that? I mean, Mama just died. And he said, no one hurts your Mama like you, you know. He said, whatever I do, I have honored your mother. And I shut my mouth, you know. So I didn't want this other woman to be involved in my getting married. And I also knew that I didn't feel that I could walk down an aisle in a white dress, you know. Because I had this low self-esteem that somebody would point and say, you know, that's the bishop's daughter. She had a child out of wedlock. You know, that's the bishop's daughter. And she was kind of fast there for a while. You know, that's the bishop's daughter. And so I said, let's elope. That's what we did. We eloped. Peter didn't know. Peter didn't know. I don't think he knew we were eloping. I really don't. I think he was so spacey that I don't think he knew what happened. I remember downtown Toledo blew up that day. And I knew it was something to do with our wedding. I remember our honeymoon night. That first night, I was so happy. Peter had beer, just a big bag of beer. And I had a bag of pastrami sandwiches. And I said, I got him. I can eat now, you know. And he said, I got her. I can drink now. And it was total bedlam.
I mean, we stood like this. If one fell, the other would fall. Into this life, we began this journey. I never thought I'd stand somewhere and say, let me tell you something. The best thing that ever happened to me was I married Peter Crawford, you know. The best thing that ever happened to me was I married Peter Crawford. And the reason for that is that in the struggle of our trying to make a life, he found a program called Alcoholics Anonymous.
He had taken me to the hospital to give birth to our baby, and he forgot about me. And I called home because I couldn't get out of the hospital because my hospitalization wasn't working at that point. And I had to call my daddy to get money to get out of the hospital. And I picked up the phone and called home, and another woman answered my door. Now, if I had had any self-esteem at that moment, I would have said, you are out of here.
I don't need to live like this. But all I said was, oh, well. You know, oh, well. And old Peter came to the hospital and got me and the baby. And we went home to that one-room apartment where the bed fell out of the wall. And we began this journey. He said, I'll never drink again. I remember us getting on the knees, and we prayed and prayed and prayed. He said, I'll never drink again. Well, that was trying to do it on his own. And a couple of months later, I remember he went out to get a loaf of bread. And three days later, he was coming home through the snow, and his pants were wet and smelly. And he came in, and he said, I don't have to live like this.
And he took his hand, and he hit it against the wall, and blood came down. And he said, I remember in Georgia, in 50, I was sentenced to AA, but they wouldn't let him in the room because he was an African-American. They made him sit in the door. They couldn't close him out
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because of the traditions, but because of the laws of segregation in the South, they wouldn't let him in. And Peter sat in that door for a year, listening to people talk about recovery. And he felt humiliated. But that night, that night, he was so desperate that he remembered what he heard, and he called AA in Detroit, Michigan. And God had a sense of humor. He sent two white guys to our house. And Peter was hurting so bad, and the pants were standing in the corner. And I remember Carl said, do you want to be sober, or do you want to be drunk? He said, you get in those pants and go with me to a meeting. And old Peter got in those stinky pants, and they went out of that house. And I sat in the house, and I cried. I said, well, who's going to come and get me? The baby's crying. Who's going to come and get me? Who's going to make my life different? I want to know. What about me? And he went on to that meeting, and he became Mr. AA.
He was saving the city. He was working the first step and the 12th step. He was crazy as a bedbug. He was doing marriage counseling, and we were about to break up. We'd have meetings. People would come to our house, and we'd sit around this little table, and we'd all have a meeting, crazy as we could be. But we were doing the best I can. The program was young then. And he, it was young then. We had no literature. We had this one little book that we used to read over and over again, and I read the big book and underlined all the places that Peter needed help.
And it was just, it was bedlam. I can see, we brought into that house other children. I can see them in the closet sometimes crying, because they'd hear Peter and I out there at one another's neck, and the phone would ring, and I'd pick it up and say, hello. Is there anything I can do to be of service to you, you know? Just, my daughter said there were fig trees. You know in the Bible where there's fig trees that look like they're in blossom and there's nothing there? That's what we were, we looked good, but we were so in pain, so in pain. And then about 30-something years ago, we were, we were living this time in upstate New York, and I had gotten so depressed. Peter, who was a janitor when I married him by this time, was directing one of the first HMOs in the country, and was teaching preventive medicine in upstate medical college. And we were just at one another's throat. I was grossly overweight again, and I remember making a decision one day. I talked to my sponsor, and I said, if I ever get my life together, I'm going to leave here. And little did I know, Peter had said to his sponsor, he said, if I ever, he said, if I ever have the chance, when the last child is 18, he said, I'm not going to desert this family like my dad deserted me. He said, but I'm out of here. And I remember making a decision that I was going to change the outside of me, but I was also going to change the inside of me. And I stopped eating the white flour and the sugar, and I became a new creature. I stopped being angry. I stopped the rage that was going on and the wars that were going on in my head. And I remember one day my sponsor said to me, Dawn, when are you going to work those steps? I said, I work them every day for Peter.
She said, when are you going to work them for yourself? And she said, you know how when the plane is in turbulence, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself and then on your children? I said, but the kids need me. She said, they need you well. They don't need you sick. And I began working those steps in my life. And I began letting Peter go. You know, I began to understand that Peter and I had a relationship that was sick. Peter used to say, I can't live without you, but I can't live with you. You know, it's like, we didn't know what to do with one another, but we were still there. I don't understand why we were still there.
You know, and I remember one night in, we were in Syracuse and Peter had gone out to a meeting and he'd gone to a party. And I remember walking the street, praying that I could be hit by a car and left the kids by themselves. And just in this terrible, terrible depression. And then I stopped eating the sugar and the white flour. Hmm. And something happened. I realized I was powerless, powerless over people, places, and things. Powerless over Peter, powerless over the situation.
My life was so unmanageable. It was just in every direction. And I understood that, Lord, I saw other people in rooms get well. And I said to God, when is it my turn? And I remember getting on my knees saying, God, if you just deliver me, deliver me, deliver me from the bondage of self. Deliver me, free me up. You know, no matter what, free me up. Maybe the marriage will work. No matter what, free me up. Maybe the marriage will work, I don't know. But whatever it is, fill the hole that's in me, this hole that is shaped like a chasm. Fill it up, Lord,
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so that I can be free. And if I can be free, then so can my children, you know. And all at once I began to change, you know. I began to take an inventory and look not at what they did, but look at my life, look at my responses to life situation. I looked at the rage I had about my grandfather who had sexually abused me. And my sponsor said, look at that old man, look at him. And I said, well, tell me. I said, he was a slave. He had whip marks on his back. He'd been brutalized all his life. And he was just by that time senile.
And I was able to forgive the sin and love the sinner. And to this day, I love my grandpa, you know. I love my grandpa. Angry at what he did, but, you know, I forgave him. And that man who had sexually abused me, I had to put him on the list because I knew better. I was so, just so happy that somebody was looking at me, you know. I knew better than to get in that car. And then I had to deal with the ramifications of what happened so I could get free, you know. Then I had to look at the people who were around me at that church that my father pastored. And I began to realize that selfishness and self-centeredness, I had to change. I had to change. And I couldn't do it on my own. But I understood that there was a power greater than myself that really could restore me to sanity, but also could lift those character defects that were killing me.
And by this time, Peter had his sponsor and they were working on the steps. And I didn't know that. I didn't know that. And we were in upstate New York. And Peter was directing this health center. And he was entertaining his staff. And I'm working the steps now. And I realized that there was a change that was taking place. I was beginning to lose the skirt that was around me, you know. I was beginning to look a little bit normal, you know. And Peter said, Dawn, we're entertaining my staff today. And he said, I've hired a new secretary. And I said, I hope she's old. And he said, well, she's pretty old, he said.
But I said, well, that's okay. I remember we were standing in front, you know, shaking hands with the people in the different departments at the university and so forth and so on. And this young woman in this mini skirt came down the aisle. And she came up to me and she said, Mrs. Crawford, I'm your husband's new secretary. I said, no, you're not. No, you're not. And Peter was rushing over. He was dragging me out of the room. He said, she didn't look like that when I hired her. She didn't look like that when I hired her.
And I ran all the way in the car and said, how dare you? You told me she was an older woman. He said, Dawn, does this have anything to do with your self-esteem? And I said, what? And I got home and I called my sponsor up and said, let me tell you what he said. He said, does this have anything to do with your self-esteem? And she said, does it? And I hung up on her. How dare she say that to me? You know, we went to a retreat about, oh, maybe three months from then. I had been on my knees asking God, this particular character defect is keeping me in bondage. I'm so measuring myself by everybody else out there that I can't really make any progress in my own life. And we were at this retreat and Peter was over in the corner talking to some young women. And I looked over there and I felt nothing but love for Peter. If God could do that, if God could lift that jealousy, if God could change that in me, God could do anything. He could stop me from eating compulsively.
He could stop me from being an angry woman. He could stop me from being filled with self-pity. He could help me to be all God wanted me to be. And I began to change. I began to change. And I looked at those people on that list and people I would come in contact with. I felt different. I felt different. I had worked through things and I could open my arms and say, come on. And so my daughter, I remember she was a teenager then. And I said, no, I'm ready. She said, Mama, I need to talk to you. And I said, oh, it's okay now. Now I'm going to be Mother Superior, she said. She's going to tell me she's pregnant. And I'm going to say, okay, I'm going to be the best mother in the world. I will raise the child because this transformation has taken place, right? I'm ready now. So Lisa said, Mama, there's something you ought to know about myself. And I said, what is it, sweetheart? She said, I'm gay. I said, no, you're not. All this stuff went right out the window, you know?
And we lost Lisa for a little while. My sponsor kept saying, Dawn, reach page 449 in the big book. Acceptance is the key. And I get a call from Philadelphia and I get a call from Boise,
[00:35:04]
Idaho, and I get a call from, oh, gosh, from San Francisco. And they'd be crying on one end and I'm crying on the other end. And finally she had the nerve to say, Mama, it's me. And I said, oh, Lisa. She said, Mama, I'm suffering from the disease of alcoholism and I need to come home and I need to bring my friend. And I looked at Peter and we looked at one another and we said, Lisa, come home. And old Lisa came home and she brought her friend with her. And I remember Peter saying she'll never get herself together unless she goes back to school. She's got to do this and so. And I watched old Lisa go to meetings with her daddy and I watched her begin to grow, you know, and I watched her friend do the same thing. My daughter has 27 years of sobriety in these rooms. My daughter didn't have to change. God had to change me. He had to open my heart and he had to make me understand that Lisa was Lisa no matter what. And I opened my arms and welcomed my daughter home, you know. About 35 years ago, we were at my sister's house and my sister was saying, you know, Dawn, I thought I was dying and you ought to know that this boy that I adopted when he was a baby is your son. And I was reunited with my firstborn, you know. I didn't need him anymore because God had filled the hole. See, the hole was not shaped like anything other than God. It was this empty spot and unless God filled it, I would always be hungry.
I didn't need him and we have a wonderful relationship today and I have two wonderful grandchildren by him. And then this middle daughter, you know, Mama used to say, I hope one day you have a daughter that's just like you. Well, I got Alma. And I remember little, she says, too bad a big lady like you has to hit a little girl like me. I remember she said one day she was looking at me, she said, Mama, Daddy must really love you. I said, why do you say that, Alma? She said, because every day you roll your hair up on those rollers and go to bed and Daddy still stays. You look just like Halloween. And I said, well, thank you, Alma, for sharing your experience, strength and hope, you know. She was a character. She was just, I never knew any kid like her. She was so much like me. It was like trying to, and she even looked like me. It was like, oh my God, if you don't feel good about yourself and you got another kid that looks like you, I was always trying to change her, you know.
But through this program, I began to just leave her alone, you know, leave her alone. And she, I remember she was getting ready to go away to college and she went to college and she came home and she said, Mama, I don't think I'm going to go to college. She said, I don't think it's for me. And she had this IQ that was way off this. She said, I'm going to be a waitress. And I said, well, you don't even wait tables at home, Alma. But we said, you be a good waitress. And I remember we went to the, went to the place where she was waiting tables. The man at the table next to us said, that's the worst waitress I have ever seen in my life. And Peter and I didn't leave a tip. We just got up and she brought the wrong food. It was awful, just awful. But we just watched and we said, every time we'd mentioned her name, Peter said, I got to go to a meeting. I said, no, I got to go to a meeting. And we just, he'd go his way and I'd go my way. And one day she was standing at a bus stop and a man put a knife in her neck and dragged my baby off into an alley and raped her. And she was changed. She was changed. I remember she would kind of dress differently and she lost the zest for life. And then all at once she began to say, Mama, I got to do something about this. I put my arms around her and we would just, we'd talk about the experience and I didn't have to talk about my stuff because I'd worked my stuff in these rooms. And the next thing I knew, Alma had gone to Boston to study at the Women's Episcopal Seminary. And the next thing I knew, Alma had finished her undergraduate degree. And the next thing I knew, she had her master's. Next thing I knew, she was working on her doctorate. Next thing I knew, my daughter was ordained in the United Church of Christ.
And the next thing I knew, my daughter was pastoring a church. And the next thing I knew, my daughter is a witness for this program. She is a monument to the recovery that comes when we work our program. We left her alone and let her be as crazy as she wanted to be. And she was, but she was hurting. And then we watched God transform and change this young
[00:40:03]
woman. And one day she said to me, Mama, there's something you ought to know myself. She said, what is that, honey? She said, I'm gay. I said, I'm happy too. Now, here's the interesting thing. Here's the interesting thing. About 20 years ago, Lisa called me and she said, Mama, I want you to come to Washington. She said, there's a big occasion coming up. And I said, what is that, Lisa? She said, I got there and she put her arms around me and she said, Mama, I'm getting married. I said, well, you and Nancy have been together for 20 years. That's really nice. She said, no, I'm marrying a man. I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I am the gay mother of the year. You know, I'm marching in all the parades. You know, I'm carrying the banners, you know, and you're going to get married. You know, I don't get this, you know. Called my sponsor. My sponsor said, page 449 in the big book.
They married. I'd never seen Lisa so happy that day, you know. And six months later, Stephen died. But she had that experience, you know. I watched the change. Oh my, oh my. You know, I would not, I would not change a day of my life. Wouldn't live it over again, but I wouldn't change a day of my life, you know. The journey has been just magnificent, just magnificent. Because I got to witness my girls come to their best, you know. And Alma and her partner adopted this little girl. She'd come from a home that was drug addicted. And I remember Alma saying, I don't think I can handle a child who's drug addicted. But they put this three-day-old baby in Alma's arms, and we all fell in love, you know. And that little girl is ten years old now. And I was talking to her the other day, and I said, little Lisa, when I get old, are you going to take care of me? She said, Zaba, you're old now, and I'm not taking care of you. And I said, well, that's a good, at least I don't have to worry about that. You know what I mean? I didn't want to put that burden on her anyhow. You know, whatever. But she's a joy in my life. Sometimes she tells me I'm her best friend, lasts about ten minutes, and then she says, you're not my best friend anymore. I said, it's okay. It was good. It was good while it lasted. I'll take what I can. I'm not choicy, you know. Then, ten years ago, oh my gosh. Let me tell you about David. David, when David was born, it was like God putting a son back in my life again. And he was the cutest little boy you ever saw in your life. I remember when he was growing up, there were things like David would say, I'd say, David, what do you want to be when you grow up? And he said, I think I'm going to be the flying nun. I said, no, you want to be like a fireman? Or you want to be a professional like daddy? And he said, no, no, I'm a flying nun. He said, and when I get married, I'll be the bride. I said, David, David. And so we took David to a psychiatrist and said, work on yourselves. Leave David alone. David is okay. And one day he came and said, Mama, I think there's something different about me. He said, he said, I was in class. And he said, these boys put a sign on my back that said, faggot. And he wept, you know, and I wept with him because I knew the world wasn't going to treat David right, you know. And I remember one night he took a bottle of sleeping pills and we had to rush David to the hospital. And he went to enter into a mental hospital for about six months and sat down with David one day. And David said, Mama, I'm going to never do that again. He said, I'm going to live my life with dignity and I'm going to wait and see what the end will be. And 15 years ago, he told me that he was HIV positive. And 10 years ago, June the 16th, I sat by his bed. And David said, Mama, he said, if I could love anybody one-tenth as much as you and Daddy have loved me, it would be more than enough. And he said, I want to thank my sisters for how supportive they've been to me all my life. And he said, Lisa, I want you to sing, There is a bomb in Gilead that heals the wounded. So, you know. And he said, Alma, I want you to read a scripture. And he said, Mama, could you hold my hand and sing Sleep, Little One, Sleep.
And David left us that night. And David left us that night with us all around his bed, you know, and the good news is I know, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see David again, and I will miss him every day of my life, but my life goes on, you know, and I have a grandson named David now, and you know, God just, there's a scripture that says, I will restore unto you the years which the locusts have eaten, God has done that, and more so, and more so,
[00:45:22]
you know, Peter got sick, Peter had emphysema, and he had chronic pulmonary disease, and we knew that the end was coming, and old Peter, you know, Peter said, Don, he said, we were speaking at this retreat in West Virginia, and I was pushing him in a wheelchair up the hill, and the guys around were saying, Don, you don't have to do that, we'll push Peter, Peter said, she's okay, she's strong, and so Peter said, Don, let's talk about our life, I remember us sitting in the room, in the bedroom, and we were just laughing, talking about what the journey had been, talking about how great, talk about when he made the decision that he was going to get out of this marriage, and I made the decision I was going to get out of the marriage, and one day we looked across the room, and fell in love with one another, oh, I didn't know that was going to happen, I didn't know, that wasn't in my plan, but I fell in love with that man, and I respected him, and I watched God transform and change, I took those, watched him take those steps for himself, and things happened to him, he became a giant to me, and I just loved him, I remember one day we were at church, and he just couldn't make me laugh, we were in this really solemn service, and they said, this turned, and said, let me kiss a piece, be with you, and Peter turned to me, and said, patty cake, patty cake.
Then when he knew the end was coming, he said, I want you to bring the undertaker to the house, and so I had the undertaker come, Peter told him, he said, I want a casket, you know, opened up, I want a meeting, I want a casket, I want a sharing, and so forth, he said, and he said, I want Lisa to sing and I want Elmona to preach and he had the whole thing fixed up and it was just, I said, well, okay honey, that's good, and the man, he said, I can't work with that man, I don't wanna do that, and I don't like him, I said, you won't be there, and then all at once, I was sitting in the room and all at once it hit me, Peter is leaving, 45 years, Peter is gonna die, and I, tears rushed down and I ran in, I put my arms around him and said, Peter, Peter, you're gonna die, Peter said, Dawn, will you call your sponsor, I'm trying to die, you had to love him, you had to love him, you know, what a journey we had, what a journey we had, you know, we were all around the bed when God called him home, we had a meeting that day and some people from the meeting were there and we just celebrated the good news of these steps and this program and the richness that our life had taken, we traveled all over the country, carrying the message to one another, you know, Peter used to say, I hope they call me first because I'm really better, I said, I don't care, I don't care, that alcoholic ego, I don't care, let's just do what we're gonna do, it was just great, I am so grateful for that man, oh, the memories, and the memories come back now, what good memories of traveling along the road, you know, of him walking and looking at me one day and I'm no longer this grossly obese woman, I'm this thin, attractive wife and he's saying, what happened to that dawn and I said, God changed me, God changed me, if God could change this mixed up woman, God could change anything, so where am I now, Elma asked me, would I move to Chicago and be near her and shortly after that, she accepted a teaching position in California, I wonder what that says about our relationship, you think we have, but anyway, so I'm living in Chicago by myself, bought a condo and I'm doing just fine, I have program friends around me, you know, this is about the, this Dawn who was so fearful of everything and so forth is filled with a sense of peace because I know the love of God, you know, what a joy, what a joy.
You know, I walk with my friends in the program, I've started a meeting there so that I can have another daytime meeting, I'm doing the things that I'm supposed to do and I'm living life abundantly. You know, that's what happens to us in these rooms. We come in here with so many fears and so many plans, you know, if God just listened, if he'd just do what I want him to, I'm so glad that God didn't do what I wanted God to do.
God changed people as he wanted them to change, but most of all, he changed me. And when he changed me, I could accept other people. Isn't that interesting? I have wonderful relationship.
[00:50:05]
I was, 18th of April, I was sitting in this church in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where Alma now is pastoring and here were all my children and my grandchildren sitting down the aisle from me and I looked at them and all at once I was overcome with this sense of gratitude that look what God has done, they love one another, they enjoyed being with one another, we laughed together, we prayed together. I would never have thought that would happen as a result of these steps. Now, I don't know where you are in this program. I don't know whether you're one of those people like me who, a slow learner, you know, whether we think that this program is for him or for her or for them, but not for me or that if they would change, everything would be all right. It's not about them.
It's not about them. It's about us. It's about being restored, you know, and it's about letting go so that God can come in and do what God needs to do for, you know, that self-esteem of mine was way down here. It's now up to average, you know, and that's good enough. You know, we have to learn to not have to be the best of everything, but to be one among many. Isn't that wonderful that we can come here and you sit here and you sit there and you sit over there, but any day you could call this person up and this person can share the good news of recovery and that person can share. Peter used to say if we can't show up, somebody will get there and they'll say that's just what I needed to hear.
There's a story I used to like to end. I haven't done that one for a long time about this man who sat by the roadside. It says in the big book, it says some of us have picked up our beds and walked and that's what it's talking about. It's talking about this man who sat by the roadside, you know, full of self-centered fear, this man who if he got up and went over to the pond and got in when the waters were rustling, he could have been made whole, but no, he just sat there.
And this, the master passed and said, do you want to be well? And he probably was like me sitting in that Al-Anon meeting all those years saying, yes, but I want to be well, yes, but, you know, if he changed, if they do this, if they do that, and the master said, do you want to get well? Do you want to get well? And that's the question I asked you tonight. Do you want to get well, you know, and the master said, pick up your bed and walk.
See, the bed for us was the steps. Pick up those steps wherever you are. Pick up those steps and let them be so much a part of your life that every experience you have, you'll say, oh, that's a seven step issue. Yeah, I can do that. You know, that's an eight step issue. I need to put that person on my list. That's a nine step issue. That's an 11 step issue where I need to pray and meditate. That's a 12 step issue where I need to be a channel so God can flow through me and use me and make me better than I am. That's what we do. We grow and change. I don't know where you are. I don't know whether you're hurting or not, but wherever you are, pick up your bed and walk. God bless you.
Thank you so much, Dawn. I don't think it gets any better than that.