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Source: Angie B – KY State AFG Convention 2024 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: angie-b-ky-state-afg-convention-2024-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:51:13
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I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon, and my name is Angie. My home group is the A Little Time for Myself Al-Anon family group in Point Washington, Florida. And my husband and I live down the street in Destin, Florida, home of the Emerald Green Water and Sugar White Sand. If you haven't been before, we invite you to come. We love to have visitors. I'd like to thank the committee and those responsible for my being here.
We love Kentucky. There's just something about the Rolling Hills. We were even talking about how green your grass is. It's just totally different from anywhere else that we visit. So congratulations to you that live here in this beautiful place. This is Sunday morning. We've had a wonderful weekend, a wonderful weekend here. Carolyn kicked us off with her talk that I will always remember for being full of such courage, such courage.
And then Saturday morning, Gordy brought us down a journey of transformation. How this program can change our lives. Peter talked about the love of family and the journey that family takes with us on this journey of hope. And then we had Aaron last night who talked about persistence. The persistence that we need to travel this road and how this journey is a lifelong process. And I think everybody has made your theme for this conference come to life, that things go better together.
We had some wonderful workshops that all of you taught me about. And then we had the absolute best Alloteen panel that I've ever heard in my life. So inspiring, so inspiring. And that brings us to Sunday morning. I heard somebody say one time that Al-Anon is all about relationships. And I would agree that it is. But also for me, it's been a lot about miracles and it's been a lot about hope. I grew up in a military family.
My father was an army officer and that meant that we were always either moving or thinking about moving or wondering where we were going to live next. That was just the way our life was. My father was not an alcoholic. He truly was a social drinker. I saw him, what we called in my family, a little tipsy a couple of times in my life. And it would be after a military function and he would come home and he would be so happy.
And he'd go to the telephone and he'd get out his address book and he would call a number of his old military buddies and they would share stories about their time in the military together. And I loved it when those times would happen because Dad talked very little about his military experiences so I got to hear some of that. So that was great fun for me. I want to mention right here too a special thank you to the sign language people that are here with us today.
I always wonder how they sign southern. And I think when they have me on board, they have southern and fast at the same time and I wonder how they do that. My mother was an alcoholic and she was quite physically abusive to me growing up so she and I had a pretty tumultuous relationship during my growing up years. I have a brother Glen that's seven years older than I am and so he was already a little bit out of the house when I was born because Glen excelled at math and science.
He was a math and science genius. And so that meant he excelled at any sport that involved a ball. He could just see the trajectories of where those balls were going to go. He was the quarterback on the football team and the pitcher on the baseball team and the forward on the basketball team and whatever the head is of the golf league and the bowling league and I've seen him win many a bar bet playing pool and that's my brother.
And then there's me and I lived my life in books. I loved to read. I think I've probably read every day of my life since I learned the alphabet. And you know when you're an army brat you learn pretty early in life that if you say hello to somebody that means you're going to have to say goodbye to them. And I did not like saying goodbye. So I learned pretty soon not to even say hello. But I could fall in love with the people in those books and the places in those books and the adventures in those books and they were always with me and always part of me.
So that was my family and if you saw us you would say oh look at the Raley's they are such a great family I just really enjoy knowing them and being around them and we were. But on the inside we were really like four islands that lived under the same roof. We each had our own individual island and at dinnertime we would all come together because that was really important to my mom and we would eat dinner together and then we would just go back and we just kind of each lived on our individual island.
As I grew up in that family of course there came a time that the opposite sex became quite attractive to me and this is what he was like at that time. He was tall, he was dark haired, he would walk in a room and people would say oh look oh look he's here. Everybody would be so happy to see him. He could tell a story.
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He knew how to weave a story.
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He could make you believe anything with the stories that he would tell. He knew how to treat a woman when he was dating her. He was fun to be around when he was dating somebody and he kind of lived life on the edge. You know he drove motorcycles fast or he drove race cars or he skydived you know. There was something about that living life on the edge kind of guy that just called out to me. Woo that was so exciting.
He also in my experience had either been sexually and or physically and or emotionally abused growing up. He sexually and or physically and or emotionally abused the women that he was involved with. He didn't know anything about feelings. He did express one anger in very inappropriate ways. He didn't communicate well about conflict, didn't really know about conflict even though he lived in it a lot.
And you know it was many years before I realized one day that he was me. He was me. You see that's who I was too. In addition I would lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Sometimes I would lie and I'd say, why did you lie about that? There was absolutely no reason to lie, I would just lie. I believed if you would let me control the world and everybody in it we would all be so much better off.
I knew how to manipulate with the best of them. Normal was kind of boring to me. I didn't really like normal so if things were normal very long then I would just create some chaos. And I was so good at it that when it was over and the dust had settled, you would be apologizing to me for the chaos that you had started. I could castrate or crucify you with the words that would come out of my mouth. I knew how to talk you into a corner and hold you in that corner with my words until the only way you could get out of that corner would be to push or shove your way out.
And boy did I know how to make you feel guilty about that. Now I'm not proud that that's who I am because you see that is who I am. But I am proud that I found a transformative program that helped to transform my life and most days today I can stand before you and others as a woman of dignity and grace who speaks my truth in kindness and love. It's only because of the transformative program of recovery that I can do that.
So his wounded heart would call out to my tortured soul and we would join hands together and we would walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after. And for me it just never worked. It just didn't. Short term relationships, short term marriages, that's just the way life was for me. Fortunately for me and a lot of unsuspecting men in America, in 1978 I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. It was in a church.
It was in a small town in South Alabama. I know you can't tell I've ever lived in the South. And the name of the town was Opp, Alabama. And I lived in Andalusia, Alabama and Opp was about 20 minutes away. So we drove to Opp and we walked into a church and there standing in the doorway was a woman that I see this morning as well as I saw her that night in 1978. Her name was Miss Ina. She held out her hand to me and she said, honey you come with me.
This was 1978 so she had this tall bouffant hairdo that had curls everywhere, it was brown. She had her glasses on a chain around her neck. She was wearing a royal blue silk dress that belted around the waist. She had her jewelry on, she had her hose on, she had black patent leather high heel shoes on and that was Miss Ina. And you know some day 48 years from now somebody may stand behind a podium and talk about how they met you this weekend and what you look like and how you greeted them.
Or they may talk about how you met them at your meeting later on this week. So Miss Ina grabbed my hand and she said, honey you come with me and that was my first Al-Anon meeting. Now I can't tell you one thing that was said that night. You know sometimes great events happen in our lives and we don't realize that they're great events and that's just the way that night was for me. But I can tell you that she gave me this one day at a time book and she patted my hand that whole meeting and I knew I was home.
I knew I was home. On the way home that night my friend said, well how did you like the meeting? I said, oh I loved it but I don't think I can go back. And he said, why not? And I said, well I don't know any alcoholics. Now please understand by this time I had been married to several alcoholics. All my great uncles were alcoholics. My favorite uncles were alcoholic. My favorite aunt was alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic.
But you see at that time I did not associate their behaviors with the disease of alcoholism. So my friend said, well you know me and I did know him but I don't know how things were in 1978 where you live but in South Alabama in 1978 Al-Anon was made up of women who were married to the men that went to the AA meeting that met at the same time in another room
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at that very same church. And you see that's not who I was. So while I identified strongly with the message, I didn't identify so much with the messengers. I'm so grateful today that Al-Anon is made up of all sorts of us. I was in and out of Al-Anon for about 12 years. I'd go a while. I'd learn just enough to be dangerous and I'd run back out there and mess up another relationship and then I'd run back to Al-Anon and in and out, in and out.
They were so kind. They were so kind to me. Finally June 15, 1990 I said, Angie, you are so blessed. Number one, you have found Al-Anon. You know most people never find us. Lois Wilson even wrote about that. She said, among other things, she said, you know, we are not anonymous within the program. And she said, we are not a secret society. We are not a secret society. She said, people will read about us in the newspapers for having an alcohol-related accident or for being arrested for drinking, but how are they going to get the good news of recovery?
How are they going to get that? I wonder about that too sometimes. How are people getting the good news of recovery? Well I had got it. I had got it. And number two, I could choose to stay. The people that do find us, most of them don't choose to stay. They come, they find out, we don't have a magic pill, we can give them to give their loved one to make everything okay and they don't come back. But I could stay.
I had been in and out and in and out. I could choose to just come on in and sit on down. On June 15th, 1990, I did and since that time I have been a very active and continuing member of the Worldwide Fellowship of Al-Anon and Al-Ateen and it has changed everything in my life. Everything in my life is different today because of this program. May 18th, 1991, I woke up and I decided I was going to go visit my daughter.
My daughter was the absolute best thing that came out of my first marriage and she had graduated high school and she was in college and I had not heard from her in three months and that was very unusual because we were pretty close. And I want to say here that anybody I talk about in any significant way in my story has given their approval for me to do that. So I woke up that morning, I had been back in Al-Anon about a year, I had really been trying to live this program the best way that I knew how and I was waiting on God to let me know what to do about Amanda.
And when I woke up that morning, I knew it was time to go see her. I called my two best friends, I said I am headed to Tuscaloosa, you want to go with me? They said yep, so off we go to Tuscaloosa. It was about a four hour drive north and one of my friends said what are we going to do when we get there? And I said I don't know, but I know God is going to let us know what to do. And you know there are times in my life if I am really practicing this program the way that I know I need to for me, if I am being of service to God and my fellows, if I am being as spiritually fit as I can, sometimes God just does for me what I can't do for myself.
And that whole day was that kind of day for me. We got to Tuscaloosa, got to the apartment complex where my daughter lived and there was a bank of mailboxes out front and there was mail just scattered all over the ground. We walked over, started picking up the mail, it all had my daughter's name on it. We gathered it up, we put it in the car, went to the door and knocked, nobody answered. I said I am going to go find the apartment manager and get him to come open up the apartment so we can see what's been going on.
So one friend went with me and the other friend waited and we walked away, we were walking downstairs and the friend that waited called out and she said Angie, Angie, she's here. And I turned around and walked back upstairs and there was my daughter Amanda standing in the doorway. I walked up to her and I hugged her and I said Amanda, I love you and it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay. We walked inside, sat down, talked a few minutes and I said Amanda, I want you to know that I know something's wrong and I'm here today to make you an offer.
And you know I remember thinking at the time, I wonder what the offer's going to be. I said I know something's wrong, I don't know what it is, I don't know what's happening, but I'm here today to let you know that I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to help you. I'm willing to go wherever I need to go, I'm willing to do whatever I need to do, I'm willing to pay whatever I need to pay, whatever I need to do I am willing.
And inside I'm thinking yay, this is really good. And then I said, but the offer's only good for today. And then inside I'm saying oh Angie, don't do this, don't do this. I said if you accept my offer I'm going to do exactly what I've told you I'm going to do, if you don't that's okay too, I'm still going to love you, I'm still going to be your mother, we'll do things together, we'll spend the day together today and then I'm going to go home and I will never make you this offer again.
And then I stood up and I said I'm going to give you an hour to make up your mind and I left. Well one friend went with me and I just cried the whole time because I knew Amanda was not going to accept that offer. We got back and sat down and talked.
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your offer. And you know, my mind was a total blank. And then a name came to me of a therapist way down in South Alabama. So I picked up the phone, and we do have some young people here, and you know, you young people don't know, but we used to have a lady whose name was Information. And her phone number was 411. And you could call her, and if you'd given permission, and you gave Information a name, Information could give you that person's phone number. So I called Information, gave the lady's name, Information gave me the number, and I called her. It was on a Saturday afternoon, the lady answered the phone. I told her who I was. I told her what was happening. By this time, Amanda told me she'd written a few bad checks. So I said, she's written a few bad checks. We talked a little bit. And the therapist said, well, what do you think's happening? I said, I don't know. But she said, well, do you think she might have a mental illness? And I said, well, I don't know. And I thought, you know, if she does, that's okay, because I knew something about mental illness, and I thought if she's got a mental illness, we'll get her some good therapy, maybe get her some medicine. She'll be okay. So we talked a little bit. The therapist said, I'll call you back.
And as a result of that, at 9 o'clock the next morning, Amanda was admitted to Providence Hospital in Mobile, Alabama, way down south Alabama on the coast. And she was admitted to a floor of the hospital. And at that time, that floor of the hospital, half of it was for persons with mental illness, and half of it was for persons with alcohol and drug problems. So Amanda was admitted to the half of the floor for persons with mental illness.
I met her psychiatrist, Dr. Thomas, who has since gone on to that great meeting in the sky. And Dr. Thomas said, what do you think's wrong with your daughter? And I said, I don't know. She's written a few bad checks. He said, maybe she has a mental illness. I said, maybe she does. And I left her, and I went home to my home in Dothan, which was about four hours east. And Amanda stayed there two months, and every weekend I would go see her. And every weekend she would tell me serious and dramatic things that had happened in her life that I didn't know anything about. Serious things, dramatic things. But for me, the most serious and most dramatic was when she told me that she was an alcoholic. You see, I had been running from the disease of alcoholism and to the disease of alcoholism all of my life. And I knew I had a decision to make that day. Was I going to run from Amanda, or was I going to run to her? When I got home that day, I fell on my knees, and I took step one in a way I had never taken it before. I knew my life was unmanageable. I could see the unmanageability all around me. But I did not want to admit that I was powerless. There was something about that illusion of power that I just clung to so hard. But that day, I let it go. I went to my next Al-Anon meeting as Debbie C. to be my sponsor, and we dove into the steps in a way that I never had before. Step two was easy for me. I have always believed since I was a little child that there was something more than me out there. I have always believed that. So step two was easy. But you see, I tried to live my life kind of under the radar of that something that I choose to call God. I just tried to live right under his radar, right out of his view, because I believed if he ever truly saw me, if he ever saw me, he would not want someone like me that had done the things that I had done to live on this beautiful earth that he had created. So I tried to just hide from him.
So when I got to step three, you can imagine that was a little harder for me, because now I'm asked to turn my will in my life over to the care of this God that I've been hiding from. But I figured out a way to do that. I said, I'm going to do that. I'm going to turn my will in my life over one day. I'll do that one day. But you see, I never told Debbie I was saying one day at the end of that step. I'm so grateful for a strong arm of my Al-Anon lineage. It goes like this. It goes from Lois Wilson, the co-founder of Al-Anon, along with Ann B., to a woman named Arbutus in Texas, and from Arbutus to a couple of other ladies, then to Lou Bell in Little Rock, Arkansas, the home of Joe, of Joe and Charlie Fane, then to Mary Pearl in North Little Rock, Arkansas, then to Debbie C.
in Delville, and then to me. And you know, when Arbutus had the luxury of spreading the good news of Al-Anon in Texas, at that time, all she had was the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was it. Thank you, Alcoholics Anonymous, for allowing us, and I've been told over 100 other types of anonymous groups, to use that in the 12 and 12, because that's all we had. So that's always been used in my lineage. And of course, as our wonderful Al-Anon literature has been developed and printed and published, we use every bit of it. I've got all of it. I've got every pamphlet. I use it. My home group is a literature-based conference-approved literature group. We're finishing up Intimacy and Alcoholic Relationships.
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Our next book's going to be Transforming Our Losses. I love our Al-Anon literature, but I also love our foundational texts as well. So when I met Debbie at the clubhouse and we did Step 3, I did it the way she did it with her sponsor, that first time I worked the steps. She had a packet, lots of stuff to read, readings from all of our Al-Anon literature. I had 12 questions to answer for every step. I met her at the clubhouse. I did that with her. I answered those 12 questions. I never told her I was saying one day. So when we finished, she said, OK, Angie. She said, when you get up in the morning, you're going to say the third-step prayer, and you'll say it every day for the rest of your life.
And when we got to seven, she added that on as well. So the next morning when I got up, I had to say that third-step prayer. And as you know, it starts off, God, I offer myself to thee. And I knew it wasn't one day. I knew it was right then. And I knew God was seeing me. And I just sobbed when I would say that prayer. I cried for a while when I would say it, because there was a while there that I truly believed that he was just going to kill me. I really did. I remember that today as I work responsees. I would have done whatever Debbie suggested I do. Well, he didn't kill me, and there came a time that I stopped crying when I say those prayers, although I do get kind of teary sometimes still. And now most days, I sing them, and at the end, I say, God, what mission have you got for us today? Let's get on with it. Let's get on with it.
When I finished step three, Debbie handed me a packet. It was 30 pages, front and back, full space, question after question after question after question after question about my life, everything about my life. She said, this is your four-step inventory. Well, I always met with her right before our Illinois meeting, so I got over there to my spot, and I'm going through those pages, and I'm already bargaining with God. I'm already bargaining.
You know, I had done something that I had always figured out. I never had to tell anybody. I'm sure nobody in this room has anything like that, and I had always rationalized and justified why I never had to tell it. So I was going through those pages, and I was telling God, God, I know I'm not supposed to tell Debbie. I know I'm not supposed to tell her about this, but just in case I am, it's going to be in this packet, and it's going to have the exact sentence, God, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's not going to say da-da-da-da-da-dee or da-da-da-da-da-doe. It's going to say the exact words, God, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And if it does, then I know I have to tell her. If it doesn't, I'm good.
Well, sure enough, about three-fourths of the way through that packet, about halfway down the page, thank goodness, there it was, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I said, oh, I'm going to have to tell her. I'm going to have to tell her. For me, step five could have been one question. I got to the clubhouse that day before Debbie when we did step five. I watched her drive up. I watched her get out of the car. I watched her walk up to me because I knew when we got to that question, my relationship with her was going to change.
We walked inside, sat down, dove in. She would ask the questions. I would answer them. We got to that question. She asked. I answered. I started crying, and she came and stood behind me. I was sitting down, and she stood behind me, and she just wrapped her arms around me. And I felt something on top of my head, and it was her tears. And you know, in that instant, the shame and the guilt that I felt about what I had done was gone. It was just gone.
Now, I still felt responsible. I need to feel responsible for every action and behavior in my life, but the shame and the guilt were killing me, and they were gone. And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Debbie loved me. And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me. And I never anticipated those things coming out of doing step five. When I do a step five with somebody today, my prayer always is, please let me ask the right question, so they can be set free the way I was set free that day.
Step six and seven, I did the way I think a lot of us do. The first time we worked the steps, I worked each step. I met Debbie at the clubhouse. I read all the readings. I did the questions with her. I went somewhere quiet for an hour. And you know, I kind of just waited for God to do whatever God was going to do. But I have learned over the years that that's just not the God I have. It's just not. God will meet me, and God will do for me. But God also expects me to do my part. He expects me to do my part.
And there have been three books over the years that have really helped me understand my part better than anything else has. And those three books are Drop the Rock, Drop the Rock the Ripple Effect, and Steps and Stories by Sandy Beach. You know, a number of years ago, Chip and I went to the World Service Office of Al-Anon
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in Virginia Beach. And we toured, and we got to meet everybody that was there that day. And they spent a lot of time with us and taught with us a lot of time, especially the historian and the executive director. And I had some questions that I had written down at home that I wanted answered. Because I thought, I'm going to the Mecca of Al-Anon. I'm going to get it from the horse's mouth. And one of my questions was, what can I read? You know, that's important for a reader like me. As a member of Al-Anon, what can I read? And you know what they told me? They said, Angie, you can read anything you want to read. You can study it. You can have study groups at your home. You can read it. You can go to study weekends. You can study anything, do anything, read anything. We just ask at your regular Al-Anon meeting, not a speaker meeting or a special meeting, but your regular Al-Anon meeting, that you can find most, not all, but most of your comments to conference-approved literature. And I said, well, that's what I do. That's what I do. We have some people that only come to one Al-Anon meeting a week. And I want them to get Al-Anon when they come.
And I'm also so grateful to know that whatever I do outside of that one-hour regular Al-Anon meeting a week, I can do with the sanction of Al-Anon. I can talk about it. I can study it. I can learn. I can expand my spiritual life. I'm so grateful that we have a program that allows us to do that. I'm so grateful. So that was step six and seven. My daughter stayed at that treatment center, as I said, for two months. The day she admitted she was an alcoholic, they just packed up her stuff and they moved her from the side of the floor for persons with mental illness to the side of the floor for persons with alcohol and drug problems. Isn't that the coolest thing? I just love God. I just love God. Well, the day she was to get out, I met her there to pick her up and had a contract for her to look at. And I had written the contract. I wrote it because I'm a martyr.
I know you don't know about that, but I know about it very well. Whoa, it's me. I can't believe you're doing this to me. Look at all I've done for you and how you're doing me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't want to be that way anymore. So the contract was for me. And it said things like this. I agreed not to have men spend the night in our home overnight. Amanda agreed not to have men spend the night in our home overnight. If she wanted to come stay with me a while until she got on her feet. I agreed I'd buy groceries. She agreed she'd cook three nights a week. I agreed she could use my car sometime because she didn't have one then. She agreed she'd keep my car cleaned and detailed.
And you see, for everything I agreed to do, she agreed to do something so it kept things even-steven so I couldn't martyr. Also, I'd gone through all that mail and made a few phone calls and I had found out that Amanda was facing at least 15 years at Tutwiler Prison for Women in Alabama because of the amount of bad checks that she had written. It was more than a few. And I had paid all of that off. And the contract said she had 10 years to pay that money back to me. It was a little over $10,000. Or she would go to Tutwiler Prison for Women in Alabama. She paid the money back to me in eight years. Now, if Amanda was here today, she would tell you, she looked at that contract and she thought, hmm, mama or prison? Mama or prison? She said she thought about it. But she did sign the contract and I signed the contract and we went home to learn how to be a family in recovery. I'll share a couple of stories. Amanda had been living with me a couple of months and I came home one day and she said, if you know my daughter, she's quite outgoing and quite vivacious.
And she said, mama, you know I've been doing everything you want me to do. I've got a sponsor, I'm working the steps, I'm going to meetings, I've got six part-time jobs, I'm keeping the car clean, I'm cooking, I'm doing all this stuff. Mama, I'm working so hard, but I just don't think I'm going to have the rent money tomorrow. But I'm doing everything that you wanted me to do and I'm really doing it hard, you know. And I said, Amanda, you are absolutely right. You have done everything that I've asked you to do and more. I hope you are so proud of yourself. You're doing great. And it's OK if you don't have the rent money when I get home tomorrow. She had to pay me $100 a month rent. It's OK. Because I said, before you came to live with me, I went to the Salvation Army here in Dothan and I talked to them.
They told me that I could drop you off any time and they'd give you two hots and a cot. So when I get home tomorrow, if the rent money is on the table, that's OK. I'm still going to love you, I'm still going to be your mother, we'll still do things together. But you'll never live with me again because you will have broke the contract and I'm going to drop you off at the Salvation Army. And anything you want, you better pack up because whatever you leave here is going to be mine. Well, you can imagine, her eyes were as big as dinner plates. And I went to the bathroom and I got in the shower, my favorite place to cry, and I just boohooed. Because I knew I could do that. I knew I could. You see, there had been some times in Amanda's life that I would say things to her that I wouldn't say to the checkout clerk at the grocery store.
sometimes in her life I would use a tone of voice. That I wouldn't use with a
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teller at the bank. There'd been sometimes in her life that I'd roll my eyes or do other kind of offensive gestures. That I wouldn't do to a stranger that I'm sitting next to on a plane. And I really thought that those days were over. Because I could finally see Amanda as a human being deserving of respect and dignity. And if any of us in this room had a contract together and one of us broke it, there would be consequences for that. That's just the way the world works. It is. And Amanda was deserving of that same respect. When I got home the next day the rent money was on the table and it was there every month until she moved out. Another thing I started learning that year that I still learn today goes like this. If my name is not in the sentence, it is none of my business. And here's how that works. Sometimes I would say something to Debbie like, gosh I wonder if Amanda's going to her meetings. And Debbie would say, Angie your name's not in that sentence. So that I would say, gosh I wonder if Amanda, Angie's daughter, is going to her meetings. Debbie would say, you cannot do that. Your name is not in that sentence. Well here's some other sentences that didn't have my name. Does Amanda have a sponsor? Does Amanda have a home group?
Is Amanda being a good member of her home group? And as the years have gone on, is Amanda being a kind wife? Is Amanda being a loving mother? Is Amanda being a good citizen? Is Amanda being a woman of dignity and grace and speaking her truth and kindness and love and on and on? My name's in none of those. But here's some sentences I learned do have my name. Is Angie going to her meetings? Does Angie have a sponsor? Is Angie working the steps? Is Angie being a good home group member? Is Angie being a kind wife? Is Angie being a loving mother? Is Angie being an awesome grandmother? Is Angie being a good citizen? Is Angie being a woman of dignity and grace and speaking her truth and kindness and love and on and on and on? I learned my name was in enough sentences that I really didn't have a lot of time left over to worry about sentences that didn't have my name. Amanda celebrated 33 years now at College Anonymous this year thanks to the program that she works, thanks to people just like you, thanks to the God of her understanding. She has a husband, Gary, that's just a regular fella. I think he's probably the only regular fella in our family. We love Gary. He kind of keeps us centered and grounded, you know. She has two beautiful children, Annabelle that graduated college this year and Kip who's a college sophomore and we love each other. We love each other. You know Amanda and I are always going to be mother and daughter. We love each other and I'm so grateful that we have programs of recovery that help us maneuver through sometimes what being mothers and daughters means. My mother never did get in recovery. The last couple years of her life she had COPD and emphysema such that she could no longer drive and go buy alcohol so she did not drink but she was not in recovery and so for two or three weeks out of the month because she really couldn't live by herself she lived with me and then for two weeks out of the month she lived with my daughter because I was out of town some of those two weeks for work and then three weekends out of four I would take her to her home in Andalusia so that she could be at her home. I could never have done that journey with her if it were not for the reigns of Al-Anon and Open AA. You see when I got in recovery Debbie said to me, Angie, you have the family disease of alcoholism. It's going to serve you well to learn everything you can about it and so we got in the car and we went. Us Al-Anons, we may have a state convention every year, a district picnic, and a district workshop and that's usually all we have but AA folks are doing stuff all the time and most of it is with Al-Anon participation so we went. We went to roundups, we went to weekends, we went to conferences, we went to everything we could find to go to. Sometimes a bunch of us would rent a house on the lake there'd be 35 or 40 of us and you wouldn't know who was Al-Anon or who was AA and we'd have a 12-step study or a promise study or some kind of study weekend and and I immersed myself in recovery. You see I didn't learn how to be a loving daughter from a one-hour Al-Anon meeting a week. Now that's important to me but that's not how I learned how to be a loving daughter. I learned how to be a loving daughter by immersing myself in recovery and by watching and living and listening and seeing. I saw how people related to each other when I would go to weekends and when I'd go to retreats and stuff like that. I saw how conflict got resolved. I went, I have been to countless speaker meetings. Somebody told me one time that they only go to Al-Anon speaker meetings because they don't get anything out of AA's. Well I get something out of just about every speaker I've ever heard. I bring a gift home or a nugget home. So I heard about what it meant to be a loving daughter. I got to learn to love women. When I came to Al-Anon I didn't
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didn't even like women. I got to learn that a man could love me and not want to have sex with me and it was okay. I got to learn what it felt like to have uncles that cared about me and men that would stand up for me and women that wanted to be with me and so many things I've learned growing up in the rooms of recovery. So when I needed to step up and be a loving daughter to my mom I was able to do that because of rooms like this and people like you. One day she was sitting on the couch at my house and out of the blue she said I know you talk about me when you're speaking at that time I did not so I said no ma'am I don't talk about you and she said I know you do and I said no ma'am and then she said I know you talk about when I used to beat you and you know I had never talked about that to anybody and I did not want to talk about it that day and I said no ma'am I don't talk about that and she said I know you do and I thought Lord where is this going and I said no I don't mom and then she said what I believe was her way of trying to make amends to me she said well you know I didn't beat you every day and I thought we're here we are here so I said no ma'am you didn't beat me every day but you beat me many days and one day was one day too many and then I went over and I knelt down in front of her and this is why I tell that story I said and I have forgiven you for that I said do you remember that day I came and talked with you about things I had done to you and how I had hurt you and how I wanted to set that right she said yeah I remember I said mom I had already forgiven you that day and I am so sorry I didn't tell you you see when I got to step 8 and made my list Debbie said we've got some work to do here she said yes these people you have harmed but she said a lot of these people have harmed you and she said Angie before you can go to them you've got to work on forgiveness so that when you do go make your amends you can go with a heart full of nothing but love so that no matter what they say back to you or what they do back to you it's not going to matter because you will have gone as a woman with a heart full of love and made those amends and when I went to see my mom that day that's who I was because I had worked hard on forgiving her and I told her I said I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that day that I had forgiven you and I said and I love you mom and we hugged each other and you know I saw my mother cry that day for the I guess the second time in my life she was 82 years old my mom was a stoic hard woman she was a woman that lived behind a 10-foot concrete wall but nothing could get in and nothing could get out she was a wonderful army officers wife she kept an immaculate house she could throw a party like nobody's business everybody wanted to have parties at our house she was a fabulous cook she was beautiful when she dressed up and dolled up she was absolutely gorgeous and she was also an alcoholic who beat me and she's also my mom and I loved her I know that day my mom gained a new sense of freedom and I know that day I gained a new sense of freedom too in 2006 I was doing a 10-step inventory and I've been an Al-Anon now 16 years in 2006 and I realized that I had still not turned over to God the part of my life that had to do with male-female relationships I just did not want to give that to God I don't know why by now the wreckage is about right here it's to my nose I can barely breathe there's so much wreckage but I'm still thinking I can do this male-female thing better than God could but that day I turned it over that day I surrendered and I said God I can't do this I've never been able to do this I don't know how to do this I surrender I surrender I just want to learn how to be a happy joyous and free single woman in recovery I'm gonna look at my spiritual life you see step 11 you see God had always been a big kahuna in the sky to me and I wanted him to be a big kahuna in the sky to me but I also wanted him to be my best friend and he wasn't he was a big kahuna in the sky but he wasn't my best friend so I started changing up my spiritual life I started changing some things different I said I'm gonna learn about what got me here I'm gonna look at causes and conditions so I got in therapy and I said I'm not gonna date I'm just gonna do this deal and I went on an eight-year journey now I didn't know when I started it that it was going to be an eight-year journey this young girl came up to me one time she was probably about 22 and she said she said oh my god miss Angie are you telling me I can't date for eight years and I said no honey I'm not telling you that I don't know how much wreckage you've got I said I had a lot of wreckage to go through but I am saying this to you don't settle don't settle we know when we're settling we hear that little voice we feel that little nudge I settled about so many things about jobs about
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relationships about where I'd moved to all kind of stuff I settled I know I settled at times when God was ready to give me a miracle but I settled first and you know one day I realized how many miracles have I prevented somebody else from having because I've jumped in there I've enabled I fixed I've controlled I've done whatever it is I've done right when the miracle was going to happen for them the day I realized that I made a commitment I hope I never ever ever interfere with somebody else's miracle again so I went on an eight-year journey I learned a lot in May 8th of 2014 March 8th of 2014 I was going to the Flint River Roundup in Albany Georgia I was going to host a dear friend of mine named Bo Tee and I was talking to God because you see now God's my best friend so I was just talking to him telling him all this stuff you know getting ready to go and everything and at the end of it I said God I just want you to know I have done everything you wanted me to do and I'm ready well I surprised myself and it was a pretty emotional moment for me and when I got to Albany Georgia I was rooming with a friend of mine named Jean who still remembers that day Jean still remembers the way I looked when I walked in the room that day and as soon as she saw me she said Angie what has happened so I told her yes I was talking to God and I said I just told God I've done everything you've wanted me to do and I just want you to know that I'm ready and then I said because I have that kind of God I said let's see how long it takes him well Chip and I have a picture on our refrigerator at home that my daughter Amanda made the next day and a 14-year acquaintanceship friendship started to change you see I had told God if you ever want another man in my life you're going to put him there and keep him there because I'm not gonna be looking and I guess 14 years was long enough because that friendship started to change that day six months later we were married and I have had my first ever second third fourth fifth sixth seventh eighth ninth and tenth wedding anniversaries and I will tell you this marriage thing is just pretty good it is pretty good it's pretty good when we got married uh Chip had 26 years in IA and I had 24 in Al-Anon and some of my sponsors said well this marriage is starting off of 50 years I think it might have a chance we have had some glorious adventures I adore my husband he's the best partner in the world he's having some physical issues so we're learning a new journey as people do as I get older but every bit of it has been great our motto has been fearless we are fearless and it has taken us on adventures that I never imagined in the gazillion years I would have and it has been wonderful it's been wonderful so that brings me to step 12 I have had a spiritual awakening not because I go to meetings not because I have a sponsor those things are important to me but I've had a spiritual awakening because I have worked the steps with a sponsor who's worked the steps now what do I do with this spiritual awakening that I have I'm gonna share a couple of quick stories and I'll be through in 2014 Chip and I were at the Gulf Shores Jubilee in Orange Beach Alabama and we were standing in the food line and the food line was Chip me and a young man named John at that time John was 38 and he had been in AA four years he's a very very dear friend of my daughter he was a dear friend then he's a dear friend today okay he's more than a friend of hers today but so we were talking in this line and so I'm asking John how things are going and he's talking to me he gets really serious and he said you know I'm having a really hard time and I said you are and he said yeah he said you know he said I'm on step nine and he said I want to make amends to my parents but they both passed on John's dad died when he was nine and his mother died when he was 28 and he said they're gone and he said I'm just struggling with with what to do here and you know I kind of have a thing I usually say when somebody tells me they're wanting to make amends to somebody that's passed on but that day I felt that little nudge I felt that little nudge and I paid attention to it so I looked at John and I said well John we're standing right here so John looked at Chip and he looked at me and he said oh my god would y'all be my parents and Chip and I looked at each other and we said yes and so we're standing there in the food line we're all three crying we're all three hugging and you know nobody thinks anything about it in recovery you know people crying in a food line and so that day John became our son and recently we celebrated 10 years of his being our son now we didn't know what that was going to look like we didn't have a clue but this is some of the things that's look like John had always wanted fantastic job in Destin where we live. He moved there, he lived with us for over six months while he was looking for a place to live. He would come home every
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night and I'd have dinner fixed just like my mom did for me and one night he came in and he said you know I can't remember the last time I came home to family and I said John I can't remember the last time somebody came home to us like that. Amanda visits a lot and we visit back and forth with grandkids and stuff but it's not like living together you know. One night we were having dinner and he and he said you know my he said my mom and dad he said they loved me so good but they didn't know all of who I am and he said Angie you and Chip know all of who I am and you love me so good and I knew in that instant why that day in that food line I felt that little nudge. John's had to have two hip replacements. He's a young fellow but he's had to have two hip replacements.
They've gone fabulous but both times I've been there he's come to our home to recover. We eat together, we have fun together, we share things together. We took him on a trip to New York City. I had taken Amanda so we took John and we've been to Disney World together. We love Disney World and we have fun. We just have fun. He calls me when there's problems. We talk about those and I love John. Amanda loves John. I didn't know how that was going to be with the with the only child suddenly having a brother but it's been wonderful. She loves him. He comes for holidays. We're a family. We're a family. Recovery gave me that family. One day several years back I was realized I realized that I was saying things on social media that a woman of dignity and grace really didn't need to be saying. I was getting in arguments with people. I was fussing and cussing with people. I was quite adamant about what I thought and what I thought they should think and I was expressing my disbelief. I mean I was bad. I was bad and my sponsor is not on social media so she didn't know what I was doing but I have sponsees that are on social media that did know what I was doing. So finally I called Mary Beth one day my sponsor today and I told her what I'd been doing and she said oh my god Angie. I said I know. Tell me about it. She said we've got some work to do here. She said we've got to look at causes and conditions and she said now now the condition what we're going to do about it is pretty simple and it was pretty simple. I went on social media world and I made amends. Basically this is what I said. My name is Angie B.. I've been saying and doing things on social media that a woman of dignity and grace does not need to be saying and doing. Here is all of my contact information. If I have done or said anything that has offended or bothered you or caused you harm in any way please contact me because I'm going to do everything I can to make it right and I promise today that I'm going to do everything possible on social media to only be a woman of dignity and grace from this day forward and I have kept that promise to the very best of my ability. Then we had to look at what had gotten me there and I realized what it got me there was I was living again in a place of fear. You see most of my life before I got into recovery I lived in fear. I made decisions based on fear. I married people based on fear. I moved based on fear. I changed jobs based on fear. My life was fear-based but I didn't know it was until I got in recovery and through the course of working the steps at some point the fear went away and I still remember the day I was driving in my car and I thought Angie you're not afraid. So I didn't realize I was living in fear because I felt it. I realized I was living in fear when I didn't feel it anymore. Oh what a wonderful feeling it was but you see I was back in that place again. So then I looked at fear closer and I realized for me always underneath fear is a lack of faith and trust in God. A lack of faith and trust in God. So I had to up my spiritual life. I had to look at some things a little bit different about my spiritual life and when I did the fear went away and since that time it's been gone and I believe if I stay as spiritually fit as I can stay it's not going to come back again. You know I believe when we join the rooms of recovery, for me anyway, I believe that I started being held to a higher standard and this is kind of what that looks like.
If the lady that usually waits on me at Starbucks comes to my meeting Monday night and walks in the room and sees me sitting there, what's she going to think about Al-Anon when she sees me? The lady at the grocery store that usually checks me out. If somebody comes up to me and we start talking recovery, what's she going to think about recovery when she sees me standing there? You know what is she going to think about that? What's she going to believe about that? I've been wondering a lot lately the phrase we are a program of attraction not promotion.
I've been wondering what that means. Attraction is not the meetings because
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most people never get to a meeting. Attraction is not the literature because most people never read the literature. So what is the attraction and I think the attraction is us. I think it's me and it's you. You know what does my family think? I'm the only person in Al-Anon in my family. What do they think about Al-Anon when they live me and they're around me and they hear me talking and they see how I live my life. They see my post on social media. What do they think about Al-Anon? What do people think about it? Because I'm the attraction. We don't sell it, we live it. How do I live it every day? You know now that the world's kind of open back up again, I want to mention too I do go to two Zoom meetings a week. I've been going to them almost five years now and I hope to go to them from now on. I love them. Now that the world's kind of open back up, we're doing today what a lot of people have been doing this weekend. We're coming together, we're sharing our language of the heart with each other. My name is Angie B. and I thank you so much for letting me share my language of the heart with you. Thank you. Be safe going home.