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Source: Paul S – Truth Freed Me Decatur, Illinois – Date Unknown.mp3 File: paul-s-truth-freed-me-decatur-illinois-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:56:52
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Nice introduction about being your boss. That's a long story. I really could talk on that for some time. Well, my name is Paul, Paul Steps. I have no anonymity. I like for people to know that I belong to AA and that I have not only tried to do something about myself, but I have done something about myself, about my drinking, I should say. And I was thinking a while ago, I don't know how many alcoholics here have got a pretty good idea.
It looks like about a 50-50 proposition or less, but why are we here? Big crowd, little crowd, it doesn't make any difference. We're here for a purpose. We're here in the first place because our lives have become unmanageable. And we wanted to do something about this. Our lives have become unmanageable on account of alcohol. And we then developed a sickness, an illness of alcohol. Well, I don't say that I have recovered from alcohol.
That would be a mistaken statement because I have, my alcoholic illness has been arrested. I always will be an alcohol. I've proven that to myself. I finally came to the place that, well, I had to do something about it, die, skid row, a mental institution. Why did I change and decide that this was the way of life? Because I come to believe that there was a power greater than I who could restore me to sanity.
That's all there could be, a power greater than I was, ready and willing to restore me to sanity. I don't know what any of you people here, I think Bernard has probably heard my story. It's a 35-year affair. I imagine some of you people this morning will be surprised to hear the things that I'm going to tell you. And there may be some here that will be shocked. There will be nothing vulgar or anything like that said because I don't have to talk in any other way but tell a straightforward story about my drinking experience, what it did to me, how I recovered, why I wanted to.
And I can bring in a number of stories that I know, and I probably will this morning, about other people's drinking experience. I don't think they were any greater than mine. I don't care whether they were any greater than mine. The thing that I am concerned with paramountly today is the fact that I am sober today. Tomorrow, if it comes, you've heard this so many times, I'm going to try it again. But today, this beautiful Sunday morning, I am sober.
And I got up at the hotel this morning and I looked in the glass. And I thought, how many times have I been in a similar circumstance, in a hotel room, and looked in the glass of a morning. And the difference in what I saw, the things, the perceptive things that I could see, the things, the good things. I looked out the window and I saw the beautiful sunshine. So many times in similar cases, I'd get up and I'd be sick, I'd have to go back to bed.
I would see nothing, misery, hell on earth. That's the way we live, and that's the way that every alcoholic in the world lives. I don't set myself up as an example to anybody, because there are thousands and thousands of people like I am today. Some people possibly want to do something about their drinking, and we have them on this program. People say, oh yes, I am so sick, and they are.
[00:05:00]
That's the reason at this particular time they want to do something about their drinking. So, they come into AA and it's a big drying out process. Oh, then they get to feeling good. Me, yes, I did that hundreds of times. I quit drinking hundreds of times. Maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks, and then I'd get to feeling good. And I couldn't have felt any better, but I wanted to feel a lot better, so I got the bottle.
So, that's the way this thing goes. We know, we alcoholics know, that there is a power greater than we. There's willingness here at all times to help us, not only with our drinking problems or our drinking illness, but for just about anything else in life. I've had that happen to me. We have desires, good and bad. A sincere desire, whether it's good or bad, if you have it in the right manner, it'll come to pass.
I've had that happen to me, bad and good. Well, the thing is, as we talk, we try to say something that might help someone that is suffering from alcoholism. That is the paramount purpose of us having these meetings, and the paramount purpose of us getting up there and talking and telling these experiences that we have. Like Bernard here, he told about me being his boss. Hell, I'm the man to sit in on the investigation that discards him.
I didn't hold him, but he was guilty. I was the road foreman of engines and the superintendent was sitting there, and the train master that found him in this condition that brought him into this investigation. His father happened to be up for an investigation the same day, and I tried his father. I was the interrogator that asked his father the questions and got him 45 days. Well, that was my job. This boy here, I'd known him for so long, and he was a good boy as far as I was concerned, because I drank like hell, too.
I just didn't get caught then. But as I look at him, whether he's right or wrong, I think we've come on this program, regardless of what's happened to us. I lost a better job than he had. My job paid $10,000 a year. His only paid about seven. I had a big, fat expense account connected with my job. I lost it. A couple years after he lost out, I tried to get him back to work before I got off my job, but I wasn't successful doing it.
I couldn't do it. I did everything in my power that I could have done, and bang, here two years later, I was disqualified. Just saying they fired him, I was disqualified. It's all the same thing. Overdrunkness as I was in the hospital. But I have no regrets about that, because I want to tell you at this point, if I had to do the things that I did to be what I am today, I am glad. Now, that's a funny statement to make, because is it?
I am glad that if I had to do what I did in the past to be what I am today, I'm glad, because I never had any happiness until after I got rid of the terrible obsession that was bugging me, and whatever it was, it must have been the job. I'll tell you about that a little later on. I want to start from the start. I really do. Charlie, my good friend over here, is taping this thing, and I'm not trying to make it as good as I can.
I'm not trying to make it as bad as I can. As the lady said over at Jacksonville, I'm no better, no worse than anybody else. I just want to be what I am. So we'll take a trip back many years ago. I was 12 years old, and I got drunk, 12 years old. This plaything, the neighbor's boy, had found a jug of whiskey in one of the roomers' closets, and we drank a water glass full of it. Well, it made me pretty drunk.
I didn't even know what it was. I know the whiskey choked me somewhat, and I went home. My mother ran a boarding house, and I sat down at the table, and I spilled a bowl of beans all over the table. And I was young, and I had a pretty good tannin for that,
[00:10:02]
but the thing was, I was young, and that night I was down at the picture show ushering. I had no job at the picture show. I made about 50 cents a week ushering, hollered down. There was no bad effect. I never thought nothing about it. We went on to our next year. I was 13 years old, and I was arrested for drunkenness and disorderly conduct in the city of St. Louis, 13 years old. I woke up in the morning.
I was in jail. If it was today, I remember everything that was said and everything that was done. The old sergeant took me in. He said, Boy, you're in pretty bad shape. He said, Well, go on across the street and get some breakfast, and you're going to eat it. Went over to a little old restaurant, and I got a great big bowl of oatmeal. Well, I didn't think nothing about it. I wasn't too sick. I didn't feel too good, just kidding.
Some of my friends down there paid a fine. I think I smacked the hotel clerk in this hotel. I'm pretty sure I did. But those things, now that's kid stuff. How many of your children, how many, they call them delinquent boys and girls, running around on the street today, they have the same experiences as this. And what that particular deal was, I went to college. I went to Westminster College for one year.
That wasn't successful, only for about six months because I drank. I didn't drink for any other reason because there's a bunch of birds around the dormitory where I live, kids. They got booze, and I helped them drink it. But it seemed like right from the first, I could never get enough. I always wanted to drink a little more than somebody else. I wanted to reach a certain state, a certain utopia or paradise that wasn't there.
It never was there. I never did find that place of drinking through that bottle that I actually think I was looking for. There was always a blackout, misery, loneliness. That's what I found in the bottle, loss of homes, jobs, wives. Everything went. It didn't make any difference. I couldn't stop it. Why couldn't I? I could have, but unlike all the rest of the men that I've known on this program or otherwise, they actually don't want to stop drinking.
Oh, they say, no, as sick as I am, I do. But they don't. Subconsciously, they don't want to stop because they're not even willing to tell you what's bugging them. Why? Why does the man drink? Well, the popular conception now is the man drinks for many reasons. Most of them escape. Down through the troubled times, into oblivion. Then they come along and tell you as to why a man drinks, it's only necessary to tell me from what he runs.
I believe that. I believe that because that was me. I was running away from something. I knew it, but I wouldn't admit it. There had to be some reason in ten months after I sobered up, I sat down. Taking this inventory that we have, I was merely thinking about the things in the past, things that I've done, the why and wherefores of this, and I come to the conclusion that I was one man that couldn't accept responsibility.
I had some 210, 12 men under my jurisdiction and I couldn't accept it. I never thought that I had a nerve in my body. I thought that nothing bothered me, but subconsciously it must have. This thing bothered me. My job was running smooth. My men all liked me. They worked for me. If they hadn't, I wouldn't last as long as I did. But it had to come. I was trying to run away from this responsibility through the drink, and I can go back years ago when I did start to drink to accept, drink to the point that I knew that it was bothering me and I was having trouble with it.
I could go back then and see that I couldn't face the things in life that I should be able to face. Today, I have no responsibilities. Today, I don't have one responsibility except to stay sober. That's the only one I got. That's the reason I have the present status of mind that I have. Because I have one responsibility. I have no responsibility of a wife. I'm married. I live with her. I love her. I like what I'm doing as far as home's connected, but I have no responsibility.
The good Lord must have led me into that because she is able and does take care of me. She Is Able and Does Take Care of Herself, It Has to Be That Way, I Accept It, Well Why Not, We Live a Happy Normal Life, But the Good Lord Led Me Into This Position, He Had to, I'll Tell You All About It in a Minute, I Forgot Time, He Led Me Into This Circumstance and This Position That I'm In Today,
[00:15:27]
Well I Wouldn't Be Married to Her When I Sobered Up, Why I Didn't Even Know There Was A Woman on Earth, In Fact I Didn't Think There Was Any Women in Decatur Because Everybody Had Me Branded as a Drunk, I Didn't Think That Any Decent Woman Would Even Look at Me, All The Women That I Knew Hung Around Taverns and Bars, I Went With One Seven Years There in Decatur and Spent Twenty or Twenty-Five Thousand Dollars on Her, I Don't Begrudge Her This Money, She Didn't Take It Away From Me, I Gave It To Her, Drunk, Bouche, Insanity, If You Want To Call It That Because That Is What It Is, A Form of Insanity, So We Go Back to School Again, I Got Out of School, I Got Kicked Out, I Was Asked To Leave, It's A Flight Away, And I Went Back Over in This Little Town, Missouri, I Went Back to High School, I Flunked Out My Senior Year, I Couldn't Even Pass the Senior Year, Well I Didn't Try To, I Didn't Want To, So I Went to Work on the Railroad, Worked as a Machinist, Well We Started Thirteen Years Old, I Went Down to Westminster College When I Was Just Over Twelve Years Old, I Was Big As I Am Now, They Were Looking for Football Players, They Would Give You Anything If You Could Just Play Football, And I Could, I Could Take A Lot of Hard Knocks, And I Was Big and Rough, At That Age I Played Football With The Town Team in Mowbray, When I Was Ten Years Old, Played Center on That Team, I Was Good At It, I Wish I Had Gone To College Now, No I Don't Either, I Don't Wish Anything Except What I Am, I Got To Stick With It Because It's My Life To Be What I Am Today, If I Had To Go Out Here And Sleep On A Park Bench Tonight, And I Never Took Another Drink, I Would Be Better Off, You People That Don't Know, And You People That Do Know Understand, But You People That Don't Know, For Me To Tell You That If I Had To Go Out Here And Sleep On A Park Bench Tonight, I Would Be Better Off If I Never Took Another Drink, It's Hard For You To Understand That, But It's True, Because If I Take A Drink, I Don't Know What's Going To Happen To Me, I've Got A Pretty Good Idea, If I Take That One, I'm Gone, I'm Going To Go To Hell If You Want To Express It That Way, I'll End Up In Peoria Where I Go Up There And Look At Those Boys And Talk To Them And Love Every One Of Them And Do Anything In The World For Them And What Can I Do If They Don't Want It, But The Thing Is That Here I Am Today, A Happy Man, I'm All Dressed Up, I Could Look In The Mirror This Morning, I Had A Clear Mind, I Could Talk, I Went And Had A Nice Breakfast With You People, I Feel Good, The Days Of Yesterday, The Days Of Yesterday When You Wake Up, You Feel So Bad As I Say You Have To Go Back To Bed And Sometimes You Couldn't, You Dragged On To The Job, You Had To Talk To People, It Was A Hell On Earth, It Really Was, And We People That Have Had This Alcoholic Sickness Have Fully Realized, I Think All Of Us Do, I'm Sure I Do That It's So Important This Day To Day, The 24 Hours, And That One Drink, But After I Got On The Railroad, I Drank Spasmodically, I Think I Was Trying To Be A Big Shot, With My Co-Workers, Men That Were Older Than I Was, They Would Have The Bottle And I Would Drink With Them, But Then Along Came Prohibition, And Actually That's Where It Started, I'm Not Blaming Prohibition For Things That I Did For Heaven's Sakes, You Can Blame No One But Yourself, You're The One That Does This To Yourself, No One Else, But We Had, I Made This Home Brew, 5 Gallon, 10 Gallon Crocks, Then We Got Alcohol And Cut It, I'm 16 Or 18 Years Old, Possibly, I Don't Know How Old I Was It Don't Make Any Difference, But We Drank This Cut Alcohol, I Drank, Helped Drink A Gallon Of It, Many A Night, We Drink All The Beer We Had Bottled And Drink It Out Of The Crock, And That Went On For Years, But We Get Up In The Morning, I Remember Those Days, I Was Younger I Suppose, I Didn't Have Too Much Of The Effect On Me, I Didn't Feel Like Going Out And Kicking A Policeman The Next Morning, But This Thing Progressively Got Worse With Me And I'm Sure With Everyone Else,
[00:20:08]
But We Have Dry Times, We Don't Stay Drunk All The Time, But They Got Beer Back In The Taverns And We Sit In There And We Drink, We Couldn't, Well We Were In A Small Town, We Could Walk Home, But There Wasn't No Driving Connected With It, But We Did Drive, I've Driven A Car Drunk Once I Have A Thousand Times, I Had Bad Automobile Accidents, I Just Didn't Happen To Get Caught With It, But Then We Go To The Time, I Have An Examination To Pass If I'm Going To Be An Engineer On The Railroad, What Am I Going To Do About It, I Hadn't Studied This, This Is Quite An Examination Of Steam Engines, Air Brakes, I Think Bernard Passed That Examination, He Didn't Have Diesels When He Was Promoted, It Was Quite A Thing, Well I Hadn't Made Any Preparations For It, So What Do I Do, Well I Everybody Thought I Was Going To Pass It, I'm Sitting In The Tavern One Afternoon With Another Fellow And I Said You Know Something, He Said You Going To Take This Damn Railroad, Oh Yeah I'm Going To Take It Boy, I Said I'm Going To Take It, Oh He Said You Ready, Ready To Take It, Oh Yes I'm Going To Take It, I Said You Know Something, I Said I'm Going To Be A Road Formed Engineer On This Railroad, Yeah I Told Him That, Drunk, No More Idea About A Qualified Being A Road Formed Engineer Than Anybody In This Room, Maybe He'd Be More Qualified At That Particular Time, I Don't Know, To Show You How This Thing Works, To Show You That I Knew Better About This Drinking, How Did I Pass This Examination, I Passed, When I Made This Statement In This Tavern I Was One Month Away From This Examination, How In The World Did You Pass It, I Passed The Top Grade In The Class, Top Grade, Thirteen Months After I Passed It I Was Assistant Road Former On The Wabash Railroad In San Luis, Missouri, In Less Than A Year And A Half I Was At St. Thomas, Canada Examining A Bunch Of Firemen For Promotion To Engineers, Yeah I Was, Peru, Indiana, All Over The Eastern Part Of The Railroad Examining Men For Promotion, And One Month Before I Took This Examination, Oh I Had A General Idea Of Engines, Oh Yeah, But As To Answer Those Questions, Some Three Hundred Of Them, Oh I Could Have Probably Answered A Dozen, How Did You Pass It, How Did I Pass It, And This Is The Strangest Thing, This Is Sunday, I'm Glad To Be Able To Tell This, Sunday Or Any Other Day I Could Tell It, But Today Especially It Brings Back Something Of A Sunday, I Turned To God For Help, Turned To God For Help, I Knew A Very Religious Woman In This Small Town, Very Religious, I Knew She Knew, Oh I Belong To The Church, Oh Yeah I Got A Pin One Time When I Was A Kid Going To Sunday School A Year Without Missing Sunday, Yes I Did, But I Turned To God For Help, And I Met It And I Knew I Was Sincere, I Knew That I Had The Feeling Of Sincerity, There Is A Difference, We Get Down On Our Knees And Pray From Now To The End Of Time, If We Don't Mean It We Are Wasting Time, But Here Was The Sincerity, No More Drink, No More Drink, Oh I Didn't Drink, I Visited With This Woman Every Day And She Prayed, And I Prayed Believe It Or Not, I Prayed, Maybe Not Out Loud, We Don't Have To Pray Out Loud, I Can Stand Here And Say A Prayer While I'm Talking To You, If I Mean It Fine, If I Don't It Is Wasted, But Lo and Behold I Took The Examination And I Couldn't Hardly Believe It Myself, It Just Come Like That, 13 Months I Am The Assistant Road Foreman Of Indians, In A Year And A Half I Am Up In St. Thomas, Canada, Peru, Indiana, Montpelier, Ohio, Examining Men For Promotion, I Had Had A Demonstration In This Particular Case About A Divine Power Who Is Always Here Now, Is Always Ready To Help You, As Close As Your Breath, Your Hands, Your Arms, He Knows Before You Ask These Things, He Knows, But Here I Am One That Knows And Then All Is Past And It Comes Up, I Go To St. Louis Road Foreman, I Go A Year Down There Without Drinking, I Take One Glass Of Beer And I Don't Remember For About Two Years After That That I Didn't Drink Almost Continuously, One Glass Of Beer After A Year Sobriety, And Then You Tell Me That It Isn't That One Drink, Oh Yes It Is With People Like We Are, People Like This Guy Is Talking To You Right Here, One Drink, That's It,
[00:25:25]
This Is Just One Time, This Was The First Time, This Was The First Time That I Ever Realized Or Should Have Realized And Listened That I Could Not, I Was The Man That Could Not Drink Alcohol, But I Didn't Pay Any Attention To That, Now I Drank Normally, At Times While I Was Examining These People Over In The Eastern Part Of The Country, I Did Drink, I Don't Remember Of Ever Getting Real Drunk, But I Did Drink Every Night Up To St. Thomas, Canada, Ale, I Go In Those Pubs, In Fact I Got So Well Acquainted With The Bartender In This Particular Hotel I Was In As A Going Away Present When I Was Leaving There, On Saturday Night They Put A Case Of Ale In My Room, So Going Back To These Things Is What, Why Does A Man Drink, Tell Me What He Is Running Away From, What Was I Running Away From Then, This Responsibility That Had Been Handed To Me, And I Thought I Was Doing A Good Job, I Possibly Would, But I Am Not The Man That Is Made Up To Accept That Responsibility, Well Why Didn't You Turn To God And Get Rid Of That, Actually I Didn't Want To, Because I Wanted To Drink, I Wanted To Be Like The People That I Worked With, I Wanted To Be Like Other Normal People, Possibly So, I Wanted To Be Able To Drink, And I Never Was The Person That Would Do Anything Half Way, If I Took One Drink I Wanted To Go All Out, I Wanted To Get Drunk, I Wanted To Drink Myself Into Oblivion, And That Is A Sign That I Was When I Wanted To Drink Myself Into Oblivion, Was A Sign That I Was Running Away From Something, But I Don't Want To Admit It, I Wouldn't Admit Anything At That Time In Connection With My Shortcomings That Might Cast A Shadow On My Capabilities, Don't You See, That Might Cast A Shadow On My Capabilities Of Being A Road Foreman, Well After Two Years On This Job I Was Called In And Told We Are Going To Make You Superintendent Of The Decatur Division, The Biggest Superintendent They Have On The Railroad, I Sit There When The Man Told Me That, I Didn't Believe Him, I Didn't Disbelieve Him, I Didn't Believe Anything, But I Can See It Now, I Didn't Even Want It, Because I Went Out That Night And Got Drunk, I Was Running Away From Another Responsibility, You Say Why, Why Didn't You Do Something About It, You Turned To God For Your Promotion, You Passed The Examination, You Went To The Job That You Wanted, Why Don't You Do Something About This, I Don't Know, I Really Don't Know, Except I Didn't Have The Want And That Is What You Got To Have If You Want To Quit Drinking, If You Want To Quit Drinking Doing Anything Else In This Life, You Have To Have A Great Want To Do That, You Have To Want Anything Or You Wouldn't Get It, You Have To Want To Walk Out Of This Room Or You Wouldn't, You Have To Want To Come To This Meeting Or You Wouldn't, Anything In This Life You Have Got To Want To Do Some Way Or The Other, A Great Sincere Want, Well, Come Along I Got The Thing Of Gambling, Gambled Away A Fortune, The Faster My Wife Would Make It The Faster, The More She Made The Faster I Would Gamble It Up And Drink It Up, Immorality, That's What The Drinker, He Stood, Did With Me, I Have No Secret, I Was One Of The Most Immoral Men Looking Back At My Own Past That Ever Lived In This World, Immoral, Quarrelsome, Gambler, I Had All These Things And I Have Told It So Many Times In These Meetings And I Am Going To Tell It Again, I Had Every Experience With Alcoholics And No, I've had every experience with alcoholics known, and I'm standing here this morning telling you about it.
[00:30:00]
Every experience with alcoholics known. I've been questioned by doctors. I've been questioned by other people, a class of nurses that I talk to every year in Decatur. I have them write, they write out questions. They have never asked me a question about alcohol that I haven't been able to answer. I've had them all. And I tell that for the reason, if I could quit drinking, anybody can. Anybody can quit drinking if I could.
Because they have got to first believe in a higher power that can restore them to sanity, God, as they understand it. God. Life. Truth. Love. Spirit. The Great I Am. God as we understand Him. Well, the time has finally come. I knew this. I'd been discharged twice off my job. And so, after being in the hospital, I lost my first wife and left me. And everything had gone. I was way in debt, gamblers. Everything that I had. Everything worthwhile, I would say.
I had no peace of mind because I was always afraid that this day is the day they'll call me in and discharge me and mean it. I lived in constant fear. It would have been a good thing if it wasn't the first time they fired me. If they'd let it stick, maybe it would have had some effect. I don't know. But anyway, that went on for, oh, possibly five years. Hospital, two or three times. My company knew it. I thought I was smart and I was fooling them.
They knew all about me. Because finally the time came and they called me in and told me about it. And told me that they would have to let me go. That they were going to restore me to the job of engineer and I could hold a pad here on over in Missouri. And if I could control this drinking, and that's the word the man used. He said, control it. He knew about me. These boys are not in those positions because they just stick them there.
They know. And I asked them about Bernard. This same man said, he's not ready. He's not ready. Well, I thought he didn't know what he was talking about. But I believe in connection with my own job that we do have a little something possibly the other fellow hasn't got. We understand human beings and characters of different kinds. But this man told me that this is it. Well, I didn't believe him, but I did think about this thing.
And I went nine months without a drink. I took several trips. I know I took a trip down Chattanooga, Tennessee and through the Smoky Mountains and around. I'd gone possibly ten days. But I don't think I enjoyed that trip. I went to nice restaurants where they served drinks, where people were drinking normally. Well, I sit there and I ate my dinner. I can't say that I particularly wanted to drink. But I do know that there was something at this time that was bugging me.
I wasn't ready to quit drinking, and yet I knew I couldn't drink. I had never admitted that I was an alcoholic. Oh, for heaven's sake, no. Not on the job that I had would I ever be an alcoholic. But I came back off of this trip, and I had extended this time into nine months. And I went to a going-away party at the Orlando Hotel for one of our men that were retiring, a man that was similar responsibilities that I had.
And they had the big bar set up. The appliance company furnished all this stuff and had this big bar. And I got me a glass of ginger ale. And I stood around and talked to people I knew, sipped the ginger ale. It looked like a highball. They didn't ask me any questions. Didn't care whether I was drinking soda pop, I suppose, or anything else. But finally I got with two men that were still working for the Wabash and the railroad in high positions, and they were good friends of mine.
I set my glass down. There's a ramp. One of them picked the glasses up and started in for a refill. And he turned and said to me, he said, Paul, what are you drinking? I said, ginger ale. Well, he thought it was ginger ale mix. I suppose he came back. The glass was half full of whiskey and half full of ginger ale. I smelled it. I knew what it was. I wasn't particularly afraid of it, but I set it down.
I felt good. I never felt better than I can remember in a long time physically. But I looked around and I saw all those people that I was acquainted with,
[00:35:00]
and I said, here, look at all these people. People with jobs like yours. People with better jobs. People higher. They were there from the top to the bottom. They're all drinking. Ninety percent of them was, and were going in there and have a big dinner. Why can't I take this drink? I knew why I couldn't. Never admitted it, but I'd been told, and inside of me I knew it, but I picked the drink up and drank it.
And when I drank it, it was one drink. I had three drinks before that dinner. I went in and had dinner, and I had no ill effects from those three drinks. Oh, I felt them, yeah. After this thing was over, somebody said, hey, Paul, come and go over to the Elks with us. They're having a stag over there tonight. Sure, fine, I'll go with you. I went to work four days later. Four days later. I stayed drunk for four days.
After nine months sobriety, that one drink, that one little drink, I stayed drunk for four days. And I never did stop drinking after that. I went for two years. I was drunk. I was sober. Never did get real sober. Oh, no, never. Because I continued to drink right up to the time that I was disqualified. There wasn't any waiting time in between then. It got to be constant. In the mornings, well, I've done this many times before because this is a long story.
Any time that I'd get up in the morning and take one drink, I never went to work. Any time that I took one drink in the morning, regardless how, oh, I've gone to work many times. Semi, should we say, drunk? Oh, yeah, many times. I've stayed there all day in misery, hell, and sweated out. Stayed there till five o'clock and then I'd go out and get drunk again unless I was out on some other job. But that's the way this thing goes.
It progresses. It progresses. It don't get any better. It just gets worse all the time until finally the bottom falls out. And then after this time in February, I'd been drunk for ten days in January this year. Got better. Got out. They knew what I was doing. They came out to see me. But they covered up for me. And I went a month. I went from the fifth day of January until the sixth day of February when I took my first drink again.
And so I never quit then. I was in four hospitals. I flew to California. Oh, it's a long story. Four and five-fifths of whiskey a day. That seems impossible. Some of you people, a person could drink that much three and four weeks and as high as a month without food. And here I stand today able to tell it. People who stay in my room could hear my heartbeat in the next room. They'd think, well, they thought I was done.
They were told that I was going to die. But I didn't. I'm able to be here today to talk to you people. And in this time, they thought I was dying and that hadn't been the first time. This had been many times before. I'd been taken to the hospital when there wasn't any chance for me ever recovering. There was no chance for me living. And actually, I didn't have any thought about it. I didn't care. I didn't particularly want to die.
I had no thought about it. If I'd have died, that would have been it. But this particular time, I know the way this thing worked out, I was in a hospital, Macon County Hospital. I had a nurse around the clock. There was the rural end and I had the day nurse and I had the afternoon nurse and the night nurse. And I was taken into this hospital on 12 o'clock about midnight on Saturday. And the next morning, of course, the day nurse came in.
There was some man stayed with me until morning and they got this nurse for him. And she went through the regular routine of nurses. I was just sick and drunk. I just knew she was there and that was all. But I know the afternoon nurse came on and they gave me some of this stuff in your arm, you know,
[00:40:01]
supposed to be equal to a T-bone steak and that was quite an ordeal. And glucose, is it, Jim? Yeah. And I know that night I was so concerned I began to sober up. And here's the worry comes in on this thing. Hell, if you ain't got any worries, you'll make them. But I'd been so distraught and I'd laid out this job. Hell, I really didn't care whether they fired me or not, but I'm going to worry about it.
I'd better been worrying about drinking because that was the thing, that job should have been the last thing in the world. It was my drinking condition. If I wanted to live, I knew that I should never drink again. But there I was laying out there in a hospital bed worrying about that stinking job. The nurse on the second trick came in, she was elderly, and she began to tell me stories about when she worked in a hospital in St. Louis about the things that she had seen of people and she called them alcoholics.
And I was glad of that. She didn't call me a drunk because that's a word actually today I despise. Drunk. We are sick alcoholics, and don't you ever forget it, like the person with tuberculosis or any other disease. But she began to tell me these things about these men, and I began to tell her it had a sobering effect on me the way this nurse was able to talk to me. I know that night she got me up, put a robe on me, she took me upstairs to watch television.
Came back down and she talked to me. She led me right into the thing that was coming later. I went back and I went to bed and I couldn't sleep. They gave me everything to make me sleep, but I couldn't sleep. I tried to talk them into some… I didn't know about Creole at this particular time. I wanted them to give me some whiskey. I said, a double shot of whiskey will fix me. Yeah, it would. But a young nurse came into that room that night.
I wouldn't know her today, but I know she was a beautiful person. Real young. And she talked to me some about… She knew me, heard about me. And she sat down and began to tell me that she knew a man like I was, that he got over it and he lived. And then I began to tell her about my couples, about my job. And I was losing and I was losing and I was so afraid. You never saw a guy who was sobering up trying to tell you something like that.
That's really something. But this girl understood what I was talking about. She must have. Because she asked me if I would try to go to sleep. Well, I told her I would and I did try to. And I must have fallen off sleep. Because when I woke up, she was sitting in the chair reading a book. And I looked and she was reading the Bible. At three o'clock in the morning, I woke up. Oh, I'd just been a daze.
She was still reading the Bible. One hour after that, she had talked on the phone to the right people and actually squared this whole deal. Because at nine o'clock the next morning, I'd been up and had a bath and had my clothes on. Two of the top bosses in my department were in that room. And not one word was said about drinking. They knew what I was there for. They knew I'd been drunk. They were covering it up.
But it was through this prayer, this devotion, that this young girl, nurse, had shown this great belief that these things could be taken care of through God. This whole thing was smoothed over. I went back to work. No mention. I'd been out for almost two weeks off that job. No one ever said anything to me about it. Well, I know these things. Well, what do you do? It seems like you can't stop it. I went on and on.
[00:45:21]
Because it was the only thing that I had left. Okay, finally the time came. The last time I was in the hospital they gave me a physical examination and disqualified me. They rushed me down to the railroad retirement board and there they made out the papers. I'm sitting there, I didn't know, I'm so full of pre-alcohol, I didn't know I was in the railroad retirement board or if I was in Jerusalem. But they rushed these papers through and they got the other pensions going through and I am through.
And when I found it out, when I sobered up in April and found out that I had been disqualified, it seemed like there had been a big weight taken off my back. But that wasn't it. That very night I was told I went out and this was the biggest drunk that I was ever on. I got drunk that night and I stayed drunk until the 27th day of June. Only I had one two-week spell. The last hospital I got out of I stayed sober for three weeks.
I stayed sober until the 11th of May and then I was going to prove to the world. This was after I was disqualified and I was living in a nice place and things seemed to be coming my way. I was reading the Bible, I was going to church and I had determined to start all over. All this other stuff, I realized it had gone. I hadn't gone to AA. I was going to do it myself. I was going to do it by myself.
I never did say, God help me. I just prayed and read the Bible. And I knew that, well I didn't know it. I thought I was doing the right thing. But here comes the 11th of May, I'm going to prove to everybody in this world that I'm not an alcoholic. I am going to prove definitely to everyone and especially to myself these doctors don't know what they're talking about. I went down and got a half pint of whiskey.
I made one highball. Unconsciously I went in and got the other one. The next morning I had had 11 half pints. 11th day of May until the 27th day of June. I flew to California in this time. Oh, there was many things happened. I'd been arrested for different things. None of them for my car because I always had a young man drive my car for me. And I'd found a little money. Had a little money coming in and I took everything that I had.
I'm going to bunch it. I flew to California. Three weeks later I was on a skid row in San Luis. Finally got back to Decatur. On the 26th of June I asked the police to put me in jail. I had a little money in my pocket. I'd written a check but I didn't have any money in the banks to cover it. I asked the police to put me in jail and they wouldn't do it. Want me to go to a hotel and go to bed. Well, I was at a hotel then.
Some of my friends had asked, the would-be friends, had asked the police to watch me that I didn't do anything that I shouldn't. My goodness, it's been going on all these years. But here at this time they wanted the police to watch me. But I asked the police at midnight. I was so drunk that I couldn't hardly stand up. I couldn't stand up. I had to be supported to put me in jail and they agreed to do it.
I told them that's the only place, unless you put me behind bars, that I won't drink. I'm in such a position now that I can't quip what I should have said. I don't want to because I acted at that time. I had a pint of whiskey with me. Possibly a third of it's gone. And I rode down to the jail. I held it in my hand. And I got out of the car. I said to these policemen, I knew them, I said, you see this?
They said, yeah. I had no idea. I had no sincerity about the thing, I'm sure. I said, this is the last drink I'm ever going to take. Well, I didn't take it.
[00:50:02]
I handed the bottle to the policeman. But I want to tell you that I was awfully drunk. They had to help me into the cell, I suppose. And I woke up the next morning. A turnkey came in and it was the hangover of all hangovers that I'd ever had. A sick stomach. And they told me, okay, get out of here. I got up and I started out. I couldn't even walk. I told them, I said, I can't leave, I'm too drunk. Go on back in and lay down.
I felt so terrible and I was so distraught, so miserable, that I went up and grabbed the bars of that cell. And hanging on to the bars, I said, oh God, help me now. And from that time, ladies and gentlemen, I know what I said. I was drunk, but I will remember it. Oh God, help me now. I have never wanted another drink since that time. Did I get well then and this miserable feeling leave me? Oh, no. Five minutes after that, a friend of mine who was on the police force, I didn't know him, I'd give him a job a couple, three years before that when nobody else would.
He had laid off his job when he heard about me, come to the cell and took me out. Took me to the captain's office and they talked around me. What are we going to do with him? Well, this policeman said, if you can't get anybody else to take him, I'm going to take him home with me. Oh God, help me now. That was it. I meant that, I was sincere. I had to be because it happened. If it hadn't, if I'd have been sincere, it wouldn't have happened.
All this drinking experience that I had, I worked and managed, needed it and wanted it, that great want. I had it that day in that cell. There was no one else there except God and me. That's the way this thing works. We came to believe a power greater than we could restore us to sanity. So that night the old AA boys came and took me out. Took me out to a meeting and I was the sickest man that ever lived.
I didn't get well right now, oh no. I staggered the fifth day after I took my last drink. The fifth day. At noon that day I ate my first meal in three weeks. And I was on my way. I went to an AA meeting that night. That's the second night after I got out of jail. Oh, there was quite a crowd there. This was a group meeting, several women. I think they heard I was coming and they wanted to see me. That's what I thought, see.
So I sit there and oh, I felt terrible. I wanted out of the place. There was these people sitting around there telling all this stuff. I knew all about it. They couldn't tell me. I didn't want to drink again, but I just didn't want to listen to this stuff. Here they are, branded as the biggest drunk in the city of Decatur at that time. Here these people are sitting around there telling me about these mild drinking experiences they had had.
But there was one old boy over in the back of the room. God bless him. When it come his time to talk, he didn't have nothing to say. But after the meeting, he came up and he wanted to shake hands, and I wanted out. I almost said, get away, boy. He said, say, you feel bad, don't you? I said, oh, yes. I've got to get out and get some air. He said, just a minute. He said, you know, I felt like you many times.
I felt like you hundreds of times. Then he began to tell me about when he was a kid in school, how they used to take whiskey to school, and told me about this drinking experience that he'd had for 35 or 40 years,
[00:55:03]
which would equal mine and probably surpass it. Here was a man that told me this thing here, and this kept me going back to AA more than anything else, I believe it. If I could quit drinking, then you can quit. It was a challenge to me that this little squirt here, that had it bad or worse or whatever kind of a drinking experience he had, he could quit drinking, I could quit. And believe me, I started to go into AA meetings.
I went from two to three a week. I went around and had coffee with these boys. I talked to them. I liked to worry some of them to death. But I was on my way. And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, this morning, that Alcohol Anonymous, the fellowship of men and women who meet together to share their common experiences and tell these stories, don't you ever forget that some way, somehow, somebody's going to say something, like the little boy did at this group meeting that night, that's going to hit the spot.
To AA and God, as I understand him, I am sober today. And I'm very thankful for that because it is my life. Sobriety is my life. AA, God. And he that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shadows of the Almighty. For I shall say of the Lord, he is my refuge and my salvation. In him do I trust. Thank you very much for listening.