Listen to Audio Recording

.entry-content .alignwide, .entry-content .alignfull {
margin-left: 0 !important;
margin-right: 0 !important;
width: 100% !important;
max-width: 100% !important;
}
#primary {
width: 100% !important;
max-width: 100% !important;
padding: 0 !important;
margin: 0 !important;
}
.site-content {
padding: 0 !important;
}
.entry-header {
display: none !important;
}
.entry-content {
margin-top: 0 !important;
padding: 0 !important;
}

.codex-single-wrapper {
background-color: #0B0F19;
color: #F3F4F6;
font-family: “Plus Jakarta Sans”, sans-serif;
min-height: 100vh;
padding: 4rem 2rem;
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
align-items: center;
}
.codex-single-container {
max-width: 1200px;
width: 100%;
display: grid;
grid-template-columns: 1fr;
gap: 3rem;
}
@media (min-width: 1024px) {
.codex-single-container {
grid-template-columns: 1.2fr 1.8fr;
}
}
.codex-left-column {
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
gap: 2rem;
}
.codex-right-column {
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
gap: 2rem;
background: rgba(17, 24, 39, 0.7);
border: 1px solid rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.05);
border-radius: 1.5rem;
padding: 2.5rem;
backdrop-filter: blur(12px);
}
.codex-card {
background: rgba(17, 24, 39, 0.7);
border: 1px solid rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.05);
border-radius: 1.5rem;
padding: 2.5rem;
backdrop-filter: blur(12px);
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
gap: 1.5rem;
}
.codex-title {
font-family: “Cinzel”, serif;
font-size: 2.5rem;
font-weight: 700;
line-height: 1.2;
color: #F3F4F6;
border-bottom: 2px solid #D97706;
padding-bottom: 1rem;
margin: 0;
}
.codex-meta-grid {
display: grid;
grid-template-columns: repeat(2, 1fr);
gap: 1.5rem;
margin-top: 1rem;
}
.codex-meta-item {
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
gap: 0.25rem;
}
.codex-meta-label {
font-size: 0.75rem;
text-transform: uppercase;
letter-spacing: 0.1em;
color: #9CA3AF;
}
.codex-meta-value {
font-size: 1.1rem;
font-weight: 600;
color: #F3F4F6;
}
.codex-desc {
font-size: 1rem;
line-height: 1.6;
color: #D1D5DB;
margin: 0;
}

.codex-player-wrapper {
margin-top: 1rem;
}
.codex-audio-element {
width: 100%;
border-radius: 0.5rem;
outline: none;
}

.codex-captions-header {
display: flex;
justify-content: space-between;
align-items: center;
border-bottom: 1px solid rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.1);
padding-bottom: 1rem;
margin-bottom: 1rem;
}
.codex-captions-title {
font-family: “Cinzel”, serif;
font-size: 1.5rem;
font-weight: 600;
color: #F3F4F6;
margin: 0;
}
.codex-captions-container {
height: 450px;
overflow-y: auto;
padding-right: 1rem;
display: flex;
flex-direction: column;
gap: 1.5rem;
}
.codex-captions-container::-webkit-scrollbar {
width: 6px;
}
.codex-captions-container::-webkit-scrollbar-track {
background: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.02);
}
.codex-captions-container::-webkit-scrollbar-thumb {
background: rgba(217, 119, 6, 0.3);
border-radius: 3px;
}
.codex-captions-container::-webkit-scrollbar-thumb:hover {
background: rgba(217, 119, 6, 0.5);
}
.codex-caption-line {
display: flex;
gap: 1.5rem;
padding: 1rem;
border-radius: 0.75rem;
cursor: pointer;
transition: all 0.2s ease;
border: 1px solid transparent;
}
.codex-caption-line:hover {
background: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.02);
border-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.05);
}
.codex-caption-line.active {
background: rgba(217, 119, 6, 0.08);
border-color: rgba(217, 119, 6, 0.2);
}
.codex-timestamp {
font-family: monospace;
font-size: 0.85rem;
color: #D97706;
background: rgba(217, 119, 6, 0.1);
padding: 0.2rem 0.5rem;
border-radius: 0.25rem;
align-self: flex-start;
}
.codex-text {
font-size: 1.05rem;
line-height: 1.6;
color: #E5E7EB;
}
.codex-caption-line.active .codex-text {
color: #FFF;
font-weight: 500;
}

.codex-action-buttons {
display: flex;
gap: 1rem;
margin-top: 1.5rem;
}
.codex-btn {
flex: 1;
padding: 0.75rem 1.5rem;
border-radius: 0.5rem;
font-weight: 600;
text-align: center;
cursor: pointer;
transition: all 0.2s ease;
text-decoration: none !important;
}
.codex-btn-primary {
background-color: #D97706;
color: #FFF !important;
}
.codex-btn-primary:hover {
background-color: #B45309;
}
.codex-btn-secondary {
background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.05);
color: #D1D5DB !important;
border: 1px solid rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.1);
}
.codex-btn-secondary:hover {
background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.1);
color: #FFF !important;
}

document.addEventListener(“DOMContentLoaded”, function() {
const audio = document.getElementById(“codex-audio-player”);
const container = document.getElementById(“codex-captions-container”);

const vttText = “WEBVTTnn1n00:00:12.330 –> 00:00:15.039nHi, my name is Janice DelCampo, and I’m an alcoholic.nn2n00:00:15.039 –> 00:00:16.480nHi, Janice.nn3n00:00:16.480 –> 00:00:17.440nOh my.nn4n00:00:17.440 –> 00:00:24.640nMy heart is racing so hard that we are either gonna have the greatest talk in the world or I’m gonna pass out.nn5n00:00:24.640 –> 00:00:28.440nYou know?nn6n00:00:28.440 –> 00:00:29.500nAnd somebody just, um…nn7n00:00:29.500 –> 00:00:39.420nKaren turned to me and said, “Would you like a cup of coffee?” I said, “Are you kidding?” Um, I wanna thank you all for inviting me to come here.nn8n00:00:39.420 –> 00:00:43.799nI am Alex’s lesson in love, tolerance, and patience.nn9n00:00:43.799 –> 00:00:49.299nIf he’s in the room, he kept trying to reach me, and I don’t always return my calls in twenty-four hours.nn10n00:00:49.299 –> 00:00:54.560nAnd he was so efficient getting everything done, and I don’t think he was really sure whether or not I was even gonna show up.nn11n00:00:54.560 –> 00:01:00.920nUh, so I called him a few days before I left and I said, “Alex,” left him a message on his tape recorder.nn12n00:01:00.920 –> 00:01:07.980nI said, “I just thought I’d let you know I’m coming,” “so you can relax.” Um…nn13n00:01:07.980 –> 00:01:11.539nOkay, I’m gonna tell you what we’re gonna do.nn14n00:01:11.539 –> 00:01:14.500nWhat I was asking, do we have, like, an hour or forty-five minutes?nn15n00:01:14.500 –> 00:01:15.879nAn hour.nn16n00:01:15.879 –> 00:01:16.439nHour?nn17n00:01:16.439 –> 00:01:16.739nThanks.nn18n00:01:16.739 –> 00:01:18.579nDon’t say that.nn19n00:01:18.579 –> 00:01:25.760nAnd between forty-five minutes, an hour can determine how fast I’m gonna talk.nn20n00:01:25.760 –> 00:01:29.400nUh, you’ve had some fast talkers here this weekend.nn21n00:01:29.400 –> 00:01:31.459nThe speakers have just been phenomenal.nn22n00:01:31.459 –> 00:01:33.459nDon’t you think you’ve enjoyed them?nn23n00:01:33.459 –> 00:01:41.000nI have just met Karen.nn24n00:01:41.000 –> 00:01:42.340nHad not met her before.nn25n00:01:42.340 –> 00:01:46.260nAnd Jack and Janet and I know each other, but we can’t remember from where.nn26n00:01:46.260 –> 00:01:49.819nSo that doesn’t tell us we get perfectly better here.nn27n00:01:49.819 –> 00:02:00.079nAnd, uh, I said to somebody outside, “I’ve been with Bobby somewhere before,” and they went, “That sounds really weird.” So but anyway…nn28n00:02:00.079 –> 00:02:05.900nAnd what I do is I’m just gonna kind of visit with you a minute till I figure out if God’s gonna work through me or not.nn29n00:02:05.900 –> 00:02:09.639nAnd if He’s not, we get to go home early, and I get to catch an earlier flight.nn30n00:02:09.639 –> 00:02:12.520nMy hostess, Karen, has been a delight.nn31n00:02:12.520 –> 00:02:16.099nUh, if you don’t know her and you’re from this area, you should get to know her.nn32n00:02:16.099 –> 00:02:17.560nShe’s just as sweet as she can be.nn33n00:02:17.560 –> 00:02:22.759nAnd, uh, she’s been very kind and just took really good care of me, and I appreciate it.nn34n00:02:22.759 –> 00:02:23.459nI, um…nn35n00:02:23.459 –> 00:02:27.280nWe went out to dinner last night, and I had a steak.nn36n00:02:27.280 –> 00:02:29.539nOh my God, it was so good.nn37n00:02:29.539 –> 00:02:32.159nI had to be really careful not to lick the plate, you know?nn38n00:02:32.159 –> 00:02:37.979nAnd, uh, I kept thinking, “Eat calmly, eat slowly,” but it was the best.nn39n00:02:37.979 –> 00:02:40.800nAnd so thanks for a little Kansas beef.nn40n00:02:40.800 –> 00:02:42.699nIt was great.nn41n00:02:42.699 –> 00:02:44.259nI mean, it actually gives me energy.nn42n00:02:44.259 –> 00:02:48.360nYou know, I like beef occasionally, and it’ll frighten you to think I need more energy.nn43n00:02:48.360 –> 00:02:52.319nUm- My friend Pat picked me up at the airport.nn44n00:02:52.319 –> 00:02:54.120nI knew him from my home group in, uh, Denver.nn45n00:02:54.120 –> 00:03:01.919nAnd, um, it was just great to catch up with him and to remember times gone by and that sort of stuff, and so good to see him and his wife, Jane.nn46n00:03:01.919 –> 00:03:06.740nBut, um, my home group is the Happy Way Group in Denver, Colorado.nn47n00:03:06.740 –> 00:03:11.300nWe have nine meetings a week, and, um, we’re at thirty-one fifty-nine South Broadway.nn48n00:03:11.300 –> 00:03:13.580nAnd if you’re in Denver, I expect you to come see us.nn49n00:03:13.580 –> 00:03:15.319nUh, we’re a really neat group.nn50n00:03:15.319 –> 00:03:20.439nAnd I’ve gotta warn you about some stuff up front about me, uh, so some of you can leave if you want.nn51n00:03:20.439 –> 00:03:24.580nBut, um- Are there any Al-Anons out in the audience?nn52n00:03:24.580 –> 00:03:26.539nGet it up high.nn53n00:03:26.539 –> 00:03:27.060nIt’s okay.nn54n00:03:27.060 –> 00:03:28.520nOh, yes.nn55n00:03:28.520 –> 00:03:29.560nYes, yes, yes.nn56n00:03:29.560 –> 00:03:30.139nGood for you.nn57n00:03:30.139 –> 00:03:31.620nI love Al-Anons.nn58n00:03:31.620 –> 00:03:32.419nI do.nn59n00:03:32.419 –> 00:03:36.120nAnd because I love them so much, I’m gonna tell a little joke.nn60n00:03:36.120 –> 00:03:38.750nAnd it’s a good Al-Anon joke.nn61n00:03:38.750 –> 00:03:42.659nAnd if I continue speaking, I’m gonna have to come up with another joke, but this one is just so good.nn62n00:03:42.659 –> 00:03:46.659nAnd, um, do you know how many Al-Anons it takes to screw in a light bulb?nn63n00:03:46.659 –> 00:03:49.120nNone.nn64n00:03:49.120 –> 00:03:51.520nThey just detach and let it screw itself.nn65n00:03:51.520 –> 00:04:01.639nThat’s spiritual for Sunday morning,nn66n00:04:01.639 –> 00:04:01.879nright?nn67n00:04:01.879 –> 00:04:09.020nAnd if there are any alcoholics who didn’t understand that joke- You will.nn68n00:04:09.020 –> 00:04:15.020nSo anyway, I’ve gotta warn you, I’m a big book thumping kind of gal.nn69n00:04:15.020 –> 00:04:16.180nI really am.nn70n00:04:16.180 –> 00:04:18.040nI come from a long lineage of us.nn71n00:04:18.040 –> 00:04:25.660nSponsorship out of the first hundred and sixty-four pages, and I include the doctor’s opinion, which used to be page one, uh, and it is no longer.nn72n00:04:25.660 –> 00:04:30.339nAnd, uh, so I include all of that, and that’s how I was raised, and so that’s probably what you’re gonna hear about today.nn73n00:04:30.339 –> 00:04:33.980nIt’s billed as a spiritual meeting, and I kind of snickered to myself.nn74n00:04:33.980 –> 00:04:37.569nPeople who know me well went, “They put Janice on Sunday morning?nn75n00:04:37.569 –> 00:04:42.129nOh, my.” So I started thinking about that spiritual stuff, right?nn76n00:04:42.129 –> 00:04:43.480nWhat is that spiritual stuff?nn77n00:04:43.480 –> 00:04:45.060nWhat is spirit?nn78n00:04:45.060 –> 00:04:46.639nSpirit is joyful.nn79n00:04:46.639 –> 00:04:48.100nSpirit is light.nn80n00:04:48.100 –> 00:04:51.420nIn my sobriety, when I’m not laughing, there’s a problem.nn81n00:04:51.420 –> 00:04:52.540nOkay?nn82n00:04:52.540 –> 00:04:53.959nSo spiritual is light.nn83n00:04:53.959 –> 00:04:58.579nAnd I used to think that spiritual was, um, everything I’m not.nn84n00:04:58.579 –> 00:05:05.800nYou know, I’m outspoken, I’m a little bit loud, you know, and I’m very direct and, um, I’m a little bit hard on people.nn85n00:05:05.800 –> 00:05:08.860nI really appreciated something Bobby said last night about working with other people.nn86n00:05:08.860 –> 00:05:13.720nI’ve been known to hit them with a big book or kick them out of my house, you know, if they didn’t want to pay attention and do it the way I said.nn87n00:05:13.720 –> 00:05:15.939nAnd, um, because it’s real important to me.nn88n00:05:15.939 –> 00:05:21.339nI am still probably as passionate about my sobriety as I was twenty years ago.nn89n00:05:21.339 –> 00:05:27.579nAnd the reason is it works, and I’m a consistent worker of the steps, not because I’m a good person, but because I’m a real alcoholic.nn90n00:05:27.579 –> 00:05:29.459nAnd so and I know it works.nn91n00:05:29.459 –> 00:05:35.379nIt’s worked in my life, it’s worked in other people’s lives, and so I get pretty excited about this process here.nn92n00:05:35.379 –> 00:05:42.800nAnd one of the things I like to talk about, I wanna tell you how very much I appreciate your statement here about if you have a problem other than alcohol, there’s an anonymous program for you.nn93n00:05:42.800 –> 00:05:44.779nI thought that was a great statement.nn94n00:05:44.779 –> 00:05:53.740nAnd, um, and I– and the reason I say that is that I came here through another fellowship because I thought I was something else, and, um, I thought actually I was a drug addict.nn95n00:05:53.740 –> 00:06:01.040nAnd I found out by being with a person who was an alcoholic properly armed with facts about himself that I’m not.nn96n00:06:01.040 –> 00:06:02.636nI am an alcoholic.nn97n00:06:02.636 –> 00:06:06.735nAnd the reason I talk about that a lot is because it’s really important for us to know what we are.nn98n00:06:06.735 –> 00:06:16.735nSo I’m gonna tell you just a little bit about my background, and I watched in the sobriety countdown, you know, we’ve got the– there is somebody here with forty-six years, which is really neat, people in their thirties andnn99n00:06:16.735 –> 00:06:23.076ntheir twenties and all that, and you see this gap in time, you know, and then you get to five years, and there’s a ton of them and a million at one.nn100n00:06:23.076 –> 00:06:28.196nOkay, my whole purpose being up here, there could be ten thousand people in the audience or twenty-two.nn101n00:06:28.196 –> 00:06:29.975nMy job up here is to reach one person.nn102n00:06:29.975 –> 00:06:36.576nIf you hear me and you hear my message, there’s hope for you if you’re a real alcoholic like I am, ’cause there is a way out of that.nn103n00:06:36.576 –> 00:06:46.596nThe reason that I have the sponsor that I have today is because I heard this person say from the podium once, “You never, ever have to drink alcohol again, and you never have to feel the way you’renn104n00:06:46.596 –> 00:06:49.495nfeeling right now.” And I believed him.nn105n00:06:49.495 –> 00:06:52.516nAnd so I went after that, and I too have a male sponsor.nn106n00:06:52.516 –> 00:06:57.386nYou know, I’m kind of mean, and so– and, uh, I had to pay attention.nn107n00:06:57.386 –> 00:06:58.855nBut anyway, I love my sponsor.nn108n00:06:58.855 –> 00:07:02.355nThe other thing is, you’re gonna hear a lot of things from me that are not original.nn109n00:07:02.355 –> 00:07:04.815nI’m gonna talk about my sponsor and my teachers.nn110n00:07:04.815 –> 00:07:07.896nYou see, because when I have an original thought, it’s frightening.nn111n00:07:07.896 –> 00:07:09.915nRight?nn112n00:07:09.915 –> 00:07:19.915nAnytime somebody says, “Gosh, I’ve got a great idea,” you go, “Well, you might wanna, like, put it aside and pray about it instead.” Um, so anyway, I’m full of a lot of stuff you guysnn113n00:07:19.915 –> 00:07:20.435nhave taught me.nn114n00:07:20.435 –> 00:07:30.115nWhat I’m gonna do is tell you a little bit about my drinking, and I’m gonna ask you to come with me on your personal journey while I do this and see if any of the stuff that I talk about sounds familiar.nn115n00:07:30.115 –> 00:07:38.315nNow, our backgrounds may not be familiar, and how I was raised may not be like you, but what I’m talking about is alcohol, ’cause I do not believe that my past made me an alcoholic.nn116n00:07:38.315 –> 00:07:47.435nI believe that what the doctor’s opinion says is that I experience a phenomenon of craving, and that’s something that my sister-in-law does not experience.nn117n00:07:47.435 –> 00:07:50.055nShe has a drink or two of wine, and she doesn’t like how she feels.nn118n00:07:50.055 –> 00:07:52.915nWell, that’s the feeling that I’m looking for all the time.nn119n00:07:52.915 –> 00:08:02.956nYou know, she has a couple glasses of wine, and she just says, “I just can’t stand this.” And I’m like, “Well, we will never drink together.” She once had surgery, and,nn120n00:08:02.956 –> 00:08:07.216nuh, they gave her some Valium, and she called me because it upset her so much how it made her feel.nn121n00:08:07.216 –> 00:08:17.375nI said, “Well, honey, mail that bottle right on up here.” “I understand that feeling, and I can handle it.” So comenn122n00:08:17.375 –> 00:08:18.656nwith me on this little journey.nn123n00:08:18.656 –> 00:08:21.815nThink about your drinking, and maybe you, too, are a real alcoholic.nn124n00:08:21.815 –> 00:08:23.636nAnd I may say some things that are controversial.nn125n00:08:23.636 –> 00:08:27.336nAA is not full of alcoholics, and that’s a fact.nn126n00:08:27.336 –> 00:08:33.255nWe get people from all different walks of life, and, and that’s okay, and some are alcoholic and some aren’t.nn127n00:08:33.255 –> 00:08:38.534nSo if you and I don’t relate, it’s a pretty good chance that you maybe aren’t alcoholic like I’m an alcoholic, and that’s okay.nn128n00:08:38.534 –> 00:08:44.995nBut who I work with and who I talk to, it says that one alcoholic can best help another alcoholic.nn129n00:08:44.995 –> 00:08:47.975nWhen we talk about language of the heart, what is language of the heart?nn130n00:08:47.975 –> 00:08:54.035nIt’s you and me sitting down across my kitchen table talking about this and finding a way out, which is in that book.nn131n00:08:54.035 –> 00:08:58.135nSo I had my first drink when I was fifteen years old.nn132n00:08:58.135 –> 00:08:59.255nOh, my God.nn133n00:08:59.255 –> 00:09:01.196nI was at my sister’s wedding.nn134n00:09:01.196 –> 00:09:06.355nIt was the dinner afterwards, and, uh, I tell people I can remember it like it happened yesterday.nn135n00:09:06.355 –> 00:09:08.316nIt’s just as clear as a bell.nn136n00:09:08.316 –> 00:09:10.956nI remember what I was wearing, who I was sitting with.nn137n00:09:10.956 –> 00:09:18.816nI was with my brother and his girlfriend, Judy, and the restaurant we were in, and it had, uh– we were sort of in the bar area, and you know those little wire back chairs, you know?nn138n00:09:18.816 –> 00:09:22.716nThose little heart-shaped wire back chairs sitting there being prim and proper.nn139n00:09:22.716 –> 00:09:24.115nI was raised to be prim and proper.nn140n00:09:24.115 –> 00:09:24.816nSomething went wrong.nn141n00:09:24.816 –> 00:09:30.436nAnd, uh, terribly, as you’ll hear, but it was interesting.nn142n00:09:30.436 –> 00:09:38.716nUm, and so my brother went to go get me a drink, and when he came back, he had one of those, like, a highball glass, you know, a drink glass, and it was sort of cloudy looking.nn143n00:09:38.716 –> 00:09:40.715nYou know, those cloudy drinks with that stuff in it.nn144n00:09:40.715 –> 00:09:44.916nAnd he gave it to me, and I can just– I can remember seeing all of it.nn145n00:09:44.916 –> 00:09:51.576nAnd I, and I took that drink, and I remember drinking it like this, and all of a sudden it hit about right here, and I went, “Oh.nn146n00:09:51.576 –> 00:09:53.975nWhoa.” You know?nn147n00:09:53.975 –> 00:09:55.975nAnd I had a spiritual experience.nn148n00:09:55.975 –> 00:09:59.375nIt truly was a spiritual experience.nn149n00:09:59.375 –> 00:09:59.725nYou know why?nn150n00:09:59.725 –> 00:10:02.635nMy life was altered on the spot.nn151n00:10:02.635 –> 00:10:04.556nMy life was changed.nn152n00:10:04.556 –> 00:10:08.155nNow, what it did was it made me feel okay.nn153n00:10:08.155 –> 00:10:16.076nThe funny thing was, was I wasn’t real sure that I didn’t feel okay before, but whatever it did, it solved my problem.nn154n00:10:16.076 –> 00:10:17.775nIt was a spiritual experience.nn155n00:10:17.775 –> 00:10:20.035nNow, did I feel like a regular kid?nn156n00:10:20.035 –> 00:10:21.495nNo, I didn’t.nn157n00:10:21.495 –> 00:10:23.395nYou know, but I didn’t think about that a lot.nn158n00:10:23.395 –> 00:10:25.676nI was the kind of kid, I remember I was coming home from school one day.nn159n00:10:25.676 –> 00:10:26.495nI was eight years old.nn160n00:10:26.495 –> 00:10:28.696nI was going to a Catholic girls school up the street.nn161n00:10:28.696 –> 00:10:35.355nWe had just bought a new house, and I was walking home, and I remember thinking my family would’ve moved and not told me where they went.nn162n00:10:35.355 –> 00:10:36.716nOkay?nn163n00:10:36.716 –> 00:10:40.635nSo we’re not talking about a well-balanced child here before she took her first drink.nn164n00:10:40.635 –> 00:10:45.115nAnd I was also raised in a little bit of a war zone, which we’ll talk about.nn165n00:10:45.115 –> 00:10:47.535nBut anyway, that first drink altered my life.nn166n00:10:47.535 –> 00:10:48.875nIt altered my perception.nn167n00:10:48.875 –> 00:10:52.556nIt made me feel better, and I felt like I had found a solution.nn168n00:10:52.556 –> 00:10:56.066nIt took me fifteen more years to find this solution.nn169n00:10:56.066 –> 00:11:00.155nSo I did at that party what any good budding alcoholic does.nn170n00:11:00.155 –> 00:11:02.176nI had that first drink, and then what did I do?nn171n00:11:02.176 –> 00:11:10.155nI said, “I want another one of those.” Well, they should have known right then we were in for the long haul because I tried to pick up the priest that night.nn172n00:11:10.155 –> 00:11:14.956nAnd, uh, he was really a really cute little Irish guy.nn173n00:11:14.956 –> 00:11:17.035nAnd, uh, my mom’s Irish.nn174n00:11:17.035 –> 00:11:18.676nThat’s where, of course, I get the alcoholism.nn175n00:11:18.676 –> 00:11:22.336nUh, my father was Italian, and of course, that’s where I get my cooking.nn176n00:11:22.336 –> 00:11:25.316nAnd, uh, that I quit doing.nn177n00:11:25.316 –> 00:11:28.515nBut anyway, um, I was singing him Irish love songs.nn178n00:11:28.515 –> 00:11:36.775nYou know, and, you know, and Irish eyes are smiling and leaning over and flirting, and I– my family just didn’t get it, you know, I guess, `cause nobody stopped me.nn179n00:11:36.775 –> 00:11:39.836nBut anyway, it was the beginning of a long, long haul.nn180n00:11:39.836 –> 00:11:41.936nI was raised in El Paso, Texas.nn181n00:11:41.936 –> 00:11:42.725nAny of you ever been there?nn182n00:11:42.725 –> 00:11:44.296nYeah.nn183n00:11:44.296 –> 00:11:44.466nYeah.nn184n00:11:44.466 –> 00:11:45.956nIt’s on the border with Juarez, Mexico.nn185n00:11:45.956 –> 00:11:49.515nAnd they don’t card you in Juarez, so I started drinking in Juarez, Mexico.nn186n00:11:49.515 –> 00:11:57.135nAnd you could drink about, um, like, mixed drinks back then were thirty-five cents a piece, so a five dollar bill went a long way.nn187n00:11:57.135 –> 00:12:01.296nAnd that’s what I did all through high school, was I’d go over on weekends and drink in Juarez.nn188n00:12:01.296 –> 00:12:02.635nAnd I never drank moderately.nn189n00:12:02.635 –> 00:12:05.576nI just– and I always remember thinking I was gonna drink like a lady.nn190n00:12:05.576 –> 00:12:07.700nI never found that out.nn191n00:12:07.700 –> 00:12:10.220nIf some of you know what that is, you can tell me later.nn192n00:12:10.220 –> 00:12:13.299nBut, um, so I thought it was the kind of drinks I drank.nn193n00:12:13.299 –> 00:12:20.679nSo I would drink daiquiris, things like that, and, you know, things that were sweet and had cherries in them and all that kind of thing ’cause I thought that was drinking like a lady.nn194n00:12:20.679 –> 00:12:30.720nAnd I remember I came home one night and I was really sick, throwing up, and I remember my mom said to me, “Uh, well, what are you drinking?” And I said, “You know, bourbon and seven daiquiris.” And she said, “Oh, no,nn195n00:12:30.720 –> 00:12:30.980nno, no.nn196n00:12:30.980 –> 00:12:38.120nThat’s the problem.” She said, “You need to learn to drink scotch ’cause that sweet stuff will make you sick.” Right?nn197n00:12:38.120 –> 00:12:40.259nIt’s the sweet stuff that’s making me sick.nn198n00:12:40.259 –> 00:12:46.080nMy mother, God bless her, was an alcoholic, and I didn’t find that out until I got sober.nn199n00:12:46.080 –> 00:12:47.980nI didn’t understand.nn200n00:12:47.980 –> 00:12:50.779nSee, I thought that we just did a lot of entertaining.nn201n00:12:50.779 –> 00:12:52.120nI– we did.nn202n00:12:52.120 –> 00:12:54.440nA lot of people came over and we were entertaining.nn203n00:12:54.440 –> 00:12:56.799nYou know, my whole family was entertaining.nn204n00:12:56.799 –> 00:13:00.840nUm, big parties, a lot of wine, a lot of liquor.nn205n00:13:00.840 –> 00:13:01.539nThe liquor flowed.nn206n00:13:01.539 –> 00:13:03.620nI mean, that’s what you did.nn207n00:13:03.620 –> 00:13:09.440nAnd I didn’t understand that not everybody’s mother, you know, popped the top on a Country Club malt liquor at eleven o’clock in the morning.nn208n00:13:09.440 –> 00:13:11.559nIt just didn’t occur to me.nn209n00:13:11.559 –> 00:13:13.340nI– we didn’t understand that.nn210n00:13:13.340 –> 00:13:14.519nThat was just de rigueur.nn211n00:13:14.519 –> 00:13:17.799nAnd so I thought I was doing what my family did when I was drinking.nn212n00:13:17.799 –> 00:13:21.899nMy mother died at the ripe old age of forty-seven years old on the living room floor.nn213n00:13:21.899 –> 00:13:26.419nUh, it was a combination of alcohol and, uh, and, uh, drug abuse.nn214n00:13:26.419 –> 00:13:34.539nI had a brother who was killed in a car wreck when I was about thirteen, and my dad was a pediatrician, and his best friend was a, uh, psychiatrist.nn215n00:13:34.539 –> 00:13:37.009nAnd, um, my family didn’t deal well with it.nn216n00:13:37.009 –> 00:13:38.440nWe didn’t really have a spiritual foundation.nn217n00:13:38.440 –> 00:13:49.038nThe priests liked to come over and visit with us and have dinner and stuff, but there really wasn’t that foundation e- foundation, evidently, for us pardon me, to survivenn218n00:13:49.100 –> 00:13:49.940nwhat was coming ahead.nn219n00:13:49.940 –> 00:13:56.059nSo my brother was about fifteen, and the way they helped us handle all this stuff was that they gave us medications.nn220n00:13:56.059 –> 00:14:03.259nAnd, um, I was put on Stelazine, Elavil, and Dalmane when I was about thirteen or fourteen, and my mom was put on Seconals.nn221n00:14:03.259 –> 00:14:11.980nNow I’m gonna talk about drugs here out of necessity ’cause I come from the culture of drugs, and the reason I’m gonna talk about them is ’cause I’m not a drug addict, and I’ll show you how I found that out.nn222n00:14:11.980 –> 00:14:16.320nBut anyway, my mom used to take a lot of these Seconals ’cause she was a really very unhappy lady.nn223n00:14:16.320 –> 00:14:20.299nAnd, uh, anyway, it ended up killing her, uh, about five years later.nn224n00:14:20.299 –> 00:14:21.600nSo– And today…nn225n00:14:21.600 –> 00:14:23.220nYou know, I remember I was at a meeting at York Street.nn226n00:14:23.220 –> 00:14:25.009nSome of you have been fortunate enough to go to York Street?nn227n00:14:25.009 –> 00:14:26.750nYeah.nn228n00:14:26.750 –> 00:14:28.299nWhere’s my darn thing?nn229n00:14:28.299 –> 00:14:29.779nAnyway…nn230n00:14:29.779 –> 00:14:30.759nIs there a cough drop over there?nn231n00:14:30.759 –> 00:14:32.240nNo.nn232n00:14:32.240 –> 00:14:32.779nOkay.nn233n00:14:32.779 –> 00:14:33.120nIt’s okay.nn234n00:14:33.120 –> 00:14:34.299nAnyway, I’ll get through it.nn235n00:14:34.299 –> 00:14:41.379nUm, at York Street, I remember, uh, there was a woman there celebrating her, uh, her birthday, and she was there with her daughter.nn236n00:14:41.379 –> 00:14:45.460nThe mom had like fifteen years, and the daughter had three years, and I thought, “That could’ve been me.nn237n00:14:45.460 –> 00:14:47.039nThat could’ve been me and my mom,” you know?nn238n00:14:47.039 –> 00:14:47.559nThank you, love.nn239n00:14:47.559 –> 00:14:51.000nThat could’ve been me and my mom, and it just didn’t happen.nn240n00:14:51.000 –> 00:14:53.320nNow, I’m not gonna give you some big sa-sad story.nn241n00:14:53.320 –> 00:14:56.299nThese are just facts out of my past, and some of you have been there, and some of you haven’t.nn242n00:14:56.299 –> 00:14:58.360nIn the meantime, I’m just drinking all the time.nn243n00:14:58.360 –> 00:15:00.980nThe first thing we did when my brother died was we went to the liquor store.nn244n00:15:00.980 –> 00:15:07.620nI remember going to the liquor store with this lady, Meredith Therkeld, you know, and she was in her nightgown, and she had a lo- a full-length fur coat over it in El Paso, Texas.nn245n00:15:07.620 –> 00:15:08.980nSo you know what a bonehead she was.nn246n00:15:08.980 –> 00:15:16.580nI remember walking around and going to the liquor store early in the morning, picking up cases of liquor ’cause the relatives were coming in ’cause my brother died.nn247n00:15:16.580 –> 00:15:17.340nYou know, you’re drinking to her.nn248n00:15:17.340 –> 00:15:18.039nShe’s drinking here.nn249n00:15:18.039 –> 00:15:18.919nAnd everybody’s drinking, you know?nn250n00:15:18.919 –> 00:15:19.559nThat’s what you did.nn251n00:15:19.559 –> 00:15:20.820nMy mom’s funeral came.nn252n00:15:20.820 –> 00:15:21.769nYou just drink, drink, drink.nn253n00:15:21.769 –> 00:15:24.379nAnd then a few years later, my dad died, and you just drink, drink, drink.nn254n00:15:24.379 –> 00:15:25.039nIt’s what you do.nn255n00:15:25.039 –> 00:15:26.480nAnd I kept drinking.nn256n00:15:26.480 –> 00:15:28.179nThe thing about me was I never, ever went out…nn257n00:15:28.179 –> 00:15:29.850nDid you ever say, “I’m gonna go out and have a drink”?nn258n00:15:29.850 –> 00:15:31.840nI don’t think I ever did that in my entire life.nn259n00:15:31.840 –> 00:15:38.169nAnd I sponsor people and say, “Well, you know, I, I couldn’t have just one.” And they all– they say, “Well, I did that once.” Really?nn260n00:15:38.169 –> 00:15:39.750nHow long you been drinking?nn261n00:15:39.750 –> 00:15:41.600n”Fifteen years.” And once you had one drink.nn262n00:15:41.600 –> 00:15:42.059nOkay.nn263n00:15:42.059 –> 00:15:44.500nYou might be in a little bit of denial, but it’s cool.nn264n00:15:44.500 –> 00:15:45.320nWe’ll work through it.nn265n00:15:45.320 –> 00:15:48.919nUm- You know?nn266n00:15:48.919 –> 00:15:54.110nSo, um, anyway, I remember when I had my first, uh, drug, that helped everything.nn267n00:15:54.110 –> 00:15:55.929nI was about eighteen years old.nn268n00:15:55.929 –> 00:16:01.259nI was working at the time ’cause I left home shortly after my mother died and, um, my father and I didn’t get along.nn269n00:16:01.259 –> 00:16:05.299nUm, and I was at this radio station.nn270n00:16:05.299 –> 00:16:15.408nI wasn’t feeling very good ’cause I was hungover and this, uh, disc jockey came up to me, and he says, uh, “Boy, you, you’re, you look terrible.” And I said, “Well, I, I feel terrible.” And he says, “Well, I’m gonna give you something here that’ll make you feelnn271n00:16:15.408 –> 00:16:17.279nbetter.” Well, I like feeling better.nn272n00:16:17.279 –> 00:16:19.940nRemember that spiritual experience with, uh, Tom Collins.nn273n00:16:19.940 –> 00:16:22.179nSo he gave me this little green capsule.nn274n00:16:22.179 –> 00:16:24.720nAnd I remember taking that, and you know what?nn275n00:16:24.720 –> 00:16:26.179nI had another spiritual experience.nn276n00:16:26.179 –> 00:16:28.240nThe most remarkable thing happened.nn277n00:16:28.240 –> 00:16:29.779nMy hangover went away.nn278n00:16:29.779 –> 00:16:31.950nAny of you have ever taken amphetamines?nn279n00:16:31.950 –> 00:16:32.879nNo?nn280n00:16:32.879 –> 00:16:38.240nI like to call them diet pills because amphetamines sound like people that are, you know, on the streets or something.nn281n00:16:38.240 –> 00:16:39.419nSo, um…nn282n00:16:39.419 –> 00:16:41.470nAnd I’m a doctor’s kid, so I take diet pills.nn283n00:16:41.470 –> 00:16:42.379nI don’t take speed.nn284n00:16:42.379 –> 00:16:46.379nUm, I’m a lady.nn285n00:16:46.379 –> 00:16:47.309nWe take diet pills.nn286n00:16:47.309 –> 00:16:48.580nI was a little overweight at the time.nn287n00:16:48.580 –> 00:16:49.120nMade sense.nn288n00:16:49.120 –> 00:16:55.559nBut the neat thing about speed, for any of you who have done it, is that, oh, my God, can you drink some liquor, right?nn289n00:16:55.559 –> 00:16:56.580nAnd keep your head clear.nn290n00:16:56.580 –> 00:16:57.649nThat was a great date.nn291n00:16:58.498 –> 00:16:59.978nYou know, drive everybody home.nn292n00:16:59.978 –> 00:17:03.758nAnd, uh, I was– I could shoot a great game of pool.nn293n00:17:03.758 –> 00:17:04.657nPeople used to bet on me.nn294n00:17:04.657 –> 00:17:07.618nI could just, you know, see everything and shoot really fast.nn295n00:17:07.618 –> 00:17:10.438nCouldn’t miss.nn296n00:17:10.438 –> 00:17:16.518nAnd, um, I was a great worker bee because I didn’t stay home with a hangover.nn297n00:17:16.518 –> 00:17:19.348nI could get up in the morning, take a little speed, get to work.nn298n00:17:19.348 –> 00:17:21.298nYou work very fast on this stuff.nn299n00:17:21.298 –> 00:17:23.118nCan’t remember where you put anything.nn300n00:17:23.118 –> 00:17:25.958nUm, but your house is clean.nn301n00:17:25.958 –> 00:17:29.938nThat goes away, by the way, in sobriety.nn302n00:17:29.938 –> 00:17:30.678nBut, uh…nn303n00:17:30.678 –> 00:17:36.878nI was a toothbrush cleaner, you know?nn304n00:17:36.878 –> 00:17:38.698nJust…nn305n00:17:38.698 –> 00:17:42.958nAnd I truly thought I was the greatest date in town.nn306n00:17:42.958 –> 00:17:44.158nI love country western bars.nn307n00:17:44.158 –> 00:17:45.398nI love cowboys, you guys.nn308n00:17:45.398 –> 00:17:46.578nI’ve been checking out your boots.nn309n00:17:46.578 –> 00:17:49.938nSee, what I do is I look at the boots, and then I look up.nn310n00:17:49.938 –> 00:17:51.558nYou know, it’s like, ugh, get a grip.nn311n00:17:51.558 –> 00:17:55.438nBut I loved cowboys, and I love that cowboy music.nn312n00:17:55.438 –> 00:17:57.078nIt’s the best drinking music in the whole world.nn313n00:17:57.078 –> 00:18:00.698nAnd, uh, I have a friend who called me the other day at four o’clock in the morning.nn314n00:18:00.698 –> 00:18:07.858nHe’s an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, and he had some problems going on, and he started taking pain medication.nn315n00:18:07.858 –> 00:18:09.058nOkay?nn316n00:18:09.058 –> 00:18:13.598nHe started taking narcotics, and now he’s addicted to narcotics.nn317n00:18:13.598 –> 00:18:14.958nHe called me at four in the morning.nn318n00:18:14.958 –> 00:18:15.918nWe talked a little later.nn319n00:18:15.918 –> 00:18:18.098nWe were visiting about it, and I said, “You know what?nn320n00:18:18.098 –> 00:18:19.758nIt’s almost good enough for the name of a song.nn321n00:18:19.758 –> 00:18:26.238nIt’s Four in the Morning.” I said, “The unfortunate thing is somebody already wrote it.” You know, but when people call you at four in the morning, they’re in trouble.nn322n00:18:26.238 –> 00:18:27.538nYou know?nn323n00:18:27.538 –> 00:18:34.198nAnd a friend– and this friend of mine is, is facing a lot of stuff and thinking it’s no big deal because he didn’t drink alcohol, you know?nn324n00:18:34.198 –> 00:18:36.738nAnd so I’m a believer in we don’t smoke dope on Sunday.nn325n00:18:36.738 –> 00:18:38.198nOkay?nn326n00:18:38.198 –> 00:18:41.178nA, A stands for absolute abstinence in my book.nn327n00:18:41.178 –> 00:18:45.218nYou know, you can’t be smoking dope on Sunday going, “Oh, well, that’s cool.” You know?nn328n00:18:45.218 –> 00:18:46.878nIt’s not, it’s not alcohol.nn329n00:18:46.878 –> 00:18:55.458nAnd I’ve talked to people who do that, and they go, “I needed to take the edge off.” And I go, “If anybody needs to take the edge off, it’s me,” okay?nn330n00:18:55.458 –> 00:18:57.178nAnd I don’t get to do that.nn331n00:18:57.178 –> 00:18:59.038nThat’s not in my program.nn332n00:18:59.038 –> 00:19:09.478nSo anyway, I’m doing the speed, and then that psychiatrist, I hung on to him ’cause he was a good guy to have around, and he would give me an open prescription for Valiumnn333n00:19:09.478 –> 00:19:10.898n’cause I needed to take the edge off.nn334n00:19:10.898 –> 00:19:14.158nAnd so this is what I used to do for ten years.nn335n00:19:14.158 –> 00:19:16.038nI’d get up in the morning with a hangover.nn336n00:19:16.038 –> 00:19:25.538nI’d take some of those amphetamines, some of those diet pills, go to work, work really hard, say to the girls, “Let’s go to the bar for a few drinks.” We’d go to the bar for a few drinks.nn337n00:19:25.538 –> 00:19:26.278nI’d start drinking.nn338n00:19:26.278 –> 00:19:27.658nThat phenomenon of craving would kick in.nn339n00:19:27.658 –> 00:19:37.138nNext thing I’d know, I’d want more liquor, and I’d think, “I’m coming down from the amphetamines.” So I’d have to take some more speed so I could stay up and shoot pool and dance on the tables and dance with the cowboys.nn340n00:19:37.138 –> 00:19:42.758nThen the bar closes at two in the morning, and I’m high as a kite, so I gotta take some Valium so I can go to sleep.nn341n00:19:42.758 –> 00:19:47.158nAnd that’s what I did for 10 years just to control what I was doing.nn342n00:19:47.158 –> 00:19:49.878nI came here thinking I was a drug addict, and I’m not.nn343n00:19:49.878 –> 00:19:51.418nI’m not a drug addict.nn344n00:19:51.418 –> 00:19:53.758nI’m a woman who takes drugs so I can drink more alcohol.nn345n00:19:53.758 –> 00:19:55.118nThat’s what I am.nn346n00:19:55.118 –> 00:20:00.458nAnd the reason I, I’m very clear about talking about that, if you don’t know what you are, you need to find out what you are.nn347n00:20:00.458 –> 00:20:06.238n’Cause if you’re saying you’re a this and you’re really a this, you may not have a spiritual experience in those steps that’s promised.nn348n00:20:06.238 –> 00:20:08.658nIt says we cannot have a spiritual experience if we’re living a lie.nn349n00:20:08.658 –> 00:20:12.858nAnd I had to know what the truth was.nn350n00:20:12.858 –> 00:20:18.598nAnd the reason I know about my alcoholism is because– I’ll give you an example.nn351n00:20:18.598 –> 00:20:28.598nNear the end of my drinking, a friend of mine called on a Sunday and said, “Let’s go over to this bar, it’s called the Oak Alley, shoot a game of pool, and have a couple drinks or something.” And the first thought in my mind was, “What donn352n00:20:28.598 –> 00:20:34.478nI have to do for work on Monday?” The reason that was the first thought in my mind was I’m an alcoholic.nn353n00:20:34.478 –> 00:20:40.378nSee, I knew somewhere deep inside that once I got there, there might be one game of pool, but there was never gonna be just two drinks.nn354n00:20:40.378 –> 00:20:44.478nI knew somewhere deep inside I was gonna be there till that place closed.nn355n00:20:44.478 –> 00:20:54.558nAnd since on Sunday it closed early, I had to be sure I had liquor in the house, or I had to be sure that I had diet pills ’cause I knew I’d be so hungover on Monday I either wouldn’t make it to work, or if I did,nn356n00:20:54.558 –> 00:20:56.068nI was gonna need a lot of drugs to get there.nn357n00:20:56.068 –> 00:20:57.658nThat’s alcoholism.nn358n00:20:57.658 –> 00:21:01.758nAlcoholism is not being able to predict my behavior once I begin to drink.nn359n00:21:01.758 –> 00:21:04.458nAlcoholism is not my consequences.nn360n00:21:04.458 –> 00:21:07.438nMy consequences have come as a result of my alcoholism.nn361n00:21:07.438 –> 00:21:10.578nI know where my car is today, you guys, okay?nn362n00:21:10.578 –> 00:21:11.758nOkay?nn363n00:21:11.758 –> 00:21:13.678nAnd I do not run into parked cars today.nn364n00:21:13.678 –> 00:21:15.337nI just don’t do it.nn365n00:21:15.337 –> 00:21:17.708nI don’t have to worry about leaving the scene of an accident.nn366n00:21:17.708 –> 00:21:24.238nI don’t have to worry about grabbing my stuff out of my car so the police can’t identify me through my stuff in the car.nn367n00:21:24.238 –> 00:21:25.858nBut if I never drank, those things don’t happen.nn368n00:21:25.858 –> 00:21:31.498nMy problem is, is that when I put liquor in my body, something kicks in.nn369n00:21:31.498 –> 00:21:35.998nI’ve got that little mechanism that’s referred to in the doctor’s opinion as a phenomenon of craving.nn370n00:21:35.998 –> 00:21:40.718nOnce it kicks in, it kicks in, and I want more alcohol.nn371n00:21:40.718 –> 00:21:50.798nAnd there are people where that doesn’t happen to them, and that’s why when you’re sitting there talking with somebody or your family member’s looking at you saying, “Why do you do that?” And we can’tnn372n00:21:50.798 –> 00:21:52.358neven explain it ’cause we don’t know.nn373n00:21:52.358 –> 00:21:54.498n’Cause I’m physically and mentally different.nn374n00:21:54.498 –> 00:22:02.698nThe physical difference is that I love alcohol once it kicks in, and I’m gonna drink more alcohol.nn375n00:22:02.698 –> 00:22:03.478nIt doesn’t matter…nn376n00:22:03.478 –> 00:22:05.458nAnd this is really important.nn377n00:22:05.458 –> 00:22:07.238nThere was this guy I really liked.nn378n00:22:07.238 –> 00:22:07.978nHe was a drug dealer.nn379n00:22:07.978 –> 00:22:08.858nIt made life good.nn380n00:22:08.858 –> 00:22:12.018nAnd we used to keep money in the freezer, you know, and the guns and stuff.nn381n00:22:12.018 –> 00:22:14.558nIt was great and, um, very exciting.nn382n00:22:14.558 –> 00:22:18.158nAnd, um, how I adored him, though.nn383n00:22:18.158 –> 00:22:21.298nHandsome, good-looking guy from East Texas, ostrich boots.nn384n00:22:21.298 –> 00:22:26.218nAnd, uh, just, you know, the leather jackets and, I mean, just stunning.nn385n00:22:26.218 –> 00:22:31.938nAnd, uh, I used to say to him, “Honey, I’m gonna be home by 7:00,” and I meant it.nn386n00:22:31.938 –> 00:22:32.978nI worked at the phone company.nn387n00:22:32.978 –> 00:22:35.678nHere I was, this straight-laced lady, you know, living with a drug dealer.nn388n00:22:35.678 –> 00:22:36.218nBut anyway…nn389n00:22:36.218 –> 00:22:38.998nLiving out my fantasies.nn390n00:22:38.998 –> 00:22:46.838nBut, um, and I would say, you know, “Tony, I’m gonna be home by 7:00.” I was gonna leave work, stop with the girls, have a couple of drinks, happy hour, right?nn391n00:22:46.838 –> 00:22:47.298nNo big deal.nn392n00:22:47.298 –> 00:22:48.658nThey only give you two at a time.nn393n00:22:48.658 –> 00:22:50.078nYou know, and I’ll be home.nn394n00:22:50.078 –> 00:22:53.498nAnd I meant it with every fiber of my being, and so did you.nn395n00:22:53.498 –> 00:22:58.618n”I’ll be home at 7:00 for dinner.” I was probably supposed to cook.nn396n00:22:58.618 –> 00:23:02.658nAnd the weirdest thing would happen.nn397n00:23:02.658 –> 00:23:12.678nI’d start drinking, and I didn’t even know it, but 7:00 passed, and the phone would ring at the bar, and somebody would come over and say, “Jan, Tony’s on the phone.” I’m like, “Ah, damn.” You know?nn398n00:23:12.678 –> 00:23:13.398nWhat time is it?nn399n00:23:13.398 –> 00:23:15.518nYou know, 8:30 or something.nn400n00:23:15.518 –> 00:23:18.678n”Well, I’ll be home by 10:00.” And I meant that one, too.nn401n00:23:18.678 –> 00:23:21.498n”Why don’t you go pick up a Taco Bell or something, you know?nn402n00:23:21.498 –> 00:23:25.248nBut I’ll be home at 10:00.” And 10:00 came, and 10:00 passed, and I never got home.nn403n00:23:25.248 –> 00:23:25.978nI couldn’t get home.nn404n00:23:25.978 –> 00:23:35.738nNot because I didn’t love him, not because I didn’t care, not because I wasn’t hungry, but because the phenomenon of craving had kicked in in my body, and nothing was gonna stop me from drinking.nn405n00:23:35.738 –> 00:23:37.638nNothing.nn406n00:23:37.638 –> 00:23:39.118nWe look at each other…nn407n00:23:39.118 –> 00:23:40.558nDon’t you, didn’t you love Nancy Reagan?nn408n00:23:40.558 –> 00:23:41.138nGod love her.nn409n00:23:41.138 –> 00:23:45.718n”Just say no.” Huh?nn410n00:23:45.718 –> 00:23:47.538nThat’s right up our alley, isn’t it?nn411n00:23:47.538 –> 00:23:48.858nNo.nn412n00:23:48.858 –> 00:23:50.858nI know she meant well.nn413n00:23:50.858 –> 00:23:51.958nYou know what I mean?nn414n00:23:51.958 –> 00:23:54.818nBut just say no, and we would laugh about it in meetings.nn415n00:23:54.818 –> 00:23:55.818n”Oh, just say no.nn416n00:23:55.818 –> 00:23:58.218nIt’ll be okay.” You know?nn417n00:23:58.218 –> 00:24:01.018nGod love her.nn418n00:24:01.018 –> 00:24:05.298nGod love us.nn419n00:24:05.298 –> 00:24:07.158nGod love the Al-Anons who’ve had to put up with it.nn420n00:24:07.158 –> 00:24:09.538nYou know, if you haven’t, you ought to try out an Al-Anon meeting sometime.nn421n00:24:09.538 –> 00:24:13.558nYou know, we sit here and laugh about the stuff we did, and we think we’re so funny, and it is.nn422n00:24:13.558 –> 00:24:19.898nIt’s humorous, and we get light about it and, you know, I mean, how many places can you go, we talk about suicide and everybody rolls on the floor laughing, you know?nn423n00:24:19.898 –> 00:24:22.238nAnd I was going…nn424n00:24:22.238 –> 00:24:23.438nI had a crisis this morning.nn425n00:24:23.438 –> 00:24:30.137nI could not find the lid for my hair stuff, you know, and I’m like, “I’m having a crisis.” And that’s the kind of thing we go, “Oh, my God, I ought to shoot myself.nn426n00:24:30.137 –> 00:24:33.478nI have a run in my stocking and I’m gonna give a talk.” You know, and we laugh.nn427n00:24:33.478 –> 00:24:43.288nBut until you’ve heard the pain in an Al-Anon’s heart about the stuff that we think is funny, okay, you get a little bit different perspective about what our behavior was really like for other people.nn428n00:24:43.288 –> 00:24:46.158nSo it’s kind of interesting to do that.nn429n00:24:46.158 –> 00:24:48.358nUm, anyway, I made my way here.nn430n00:24:48.358 –> 00:24:49.058nI’ll tell you quickly.nn431n00:24:49.058 –> 00:24:52.338nI raced El Paso, saw Denver, fell in love with it.nn432n00:24:52.338 –> 00:25:02.678nThey had those mountain men, you know, in the plaid shirts and, ugh, beards, and it was, like, great and Rocky Mountain High, and I thought, “My problem is I’ve been living in the wrong city,nn433n00:25:02.678 –> 00:25:12.278nand if I would get to Denver, I could ride a bicycle and wear braids and plaid sh- flannel shirts, and I too will be healthy, okay?” And, um, you know, that’s how they are up there.nn434n00:25:12.278 –> 00:25:14.898nThey rock climb, you know, and they do all that stuff.nn435n00:25:14.898 –> 00:25:18.838nAnd, you know, they ski and snowboard and run into trees and…nn436n00:25:18.838 –> 00:25:24.938nSo, uh, I’m thinking, “I’m gonna do this.” So I got up there, and needless to say, it lasted about two weeks.nn437n00:25:24.938 –> 00:25:34.978nI ended up in a bar up in Bergen Park above Evergreen, drinking, raising hell, looking for cowboys, and next thing I knew, I needed drugs to keep drinking ’cause I couldn’t drink the amount Inn438n00:25:34.978 –> 00:25:36.678nwanted to drink without passing out.nn439n00:25:36.678 –> 00:25:39.998nSo I wrote a letter to a pharmacist in El Paso, and he mailed me my drugs.nn440n00:25:39.998 –> 00:25:41.638nSo I ended up in Denver.nn441n00:25:41.638 –> 00:25:43.858nI’m a smooth-talking son of a gun.nn442n00:25:43.858 –> 00:25:46.078nOkay.nn443n00:25:46.078 –> 00:25:47.178nAnyway, so that’s how I drank.nn444n00:25:47.178 –> 00:25:48.618nDid you drink like that?nn445n00:25:48.618 –> 00:25:50.258nYou know, could you go to a bar and stop?nn446n00:25:50.258 –> 00:25:52.638nYou know, that’s alcoholism.nn447n00:25:52.638 –> 00:25:54.798nNow, if you don’t have that experience, you may not be an alcoholic.nn448n00:25:54.798 –> 00:26:00.818nAnd if you’re not, you may not have the experience that some people have here working the steps because you haven’t got our problem.nn449n00:26:00.818 –> 00:26:05.398nIt doesn’t mean the steps don’t work for people, but you gotta know what the problem is in order to work the steps.nn450n00:26:05.398 –> 00:26:11.038nIf I don’t know what I’m powerless over, why do I even need a power greater than myself to solve the problem?nn451n00:26:11.038 –> 00:26:18.138nIf I still think I’ve got some power, whether it’s over drinking or whatever that is, for me over drinking, I don’t belong here.nn452n00:26:18.138 –> 00:26:23.238nAnd I’ll tell you right now, if I could drink successfully and still date cowboys, I would not be here on a Sunday morning.nn453n00:26:23.238 –> 00:26:25.838nThat’s fact.nn454n00:26:25.838 –> 00:26:29.838nYou know, and they talk about giving you a drug that will stop the high.nn455n00:26:29.838 –> 00:26:30.758nWhy bother?nn456n00:26:30.758 –> 00:26:32.198nDo you know what I mean?nn457n00:26:32.198 –> 00:26:40.178nWhat a horrible feeling that would be to get that drink, you know, and then get that pill and take a drink, and you sit there and go, “Well, what’s this all about?” Right?nn458n00:26:40.178 –> 00:26:44.338nI’m looking for that sense of ease and comfort that comes from taking just a few drinks- Right …nn459n00:26:44.338 –> 00:26:46.778n’cause I’m a restless, irritable, and discontented kinda gal.nn460n00:26:46.778 –> 00:26:56.578nWell, the good news is I found this fellowship, and I found this program, and I did go through another fellowship, and at about five years, I was like this, you know.nn461n00:26:56.578 –> 00:26:57.758nI wasn’t feeling very good.nn462n00:26:57.758 –> 00:27:03.238nYou know, I felt like my skin was coming off, and I didn’t know what to do with it , and I was just going crazy.nn463n00:27:03.238 –> 00:27:12.718nAnd I heard somebody speak one night, and they carried a great message, and they talked about that book, which I had been raised on in that fellowship, ’cause there wasn’t any other literature at that time.nn464n00:27:12.718 –> 00:27:17.858nBut I heard totally different stuff in that, from that person talking about that book than I knew about.nn465n00:27:17.858 –> 00:27:23.678nSo I went after that person like a heat-seeking missile, and those of you who know me know I can do that.nn466n00:27:23.678 –> 00:27:25.278nI can become a heat-seeking missile.nn467n00:27:25.278 –> 00:27:34.058nAnd I sought that person out because of what they said, “You never have to feel this way again,” and they talked about being recovered, recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.nn468n00:27:34.058 –> 00:27:44.098nIn the forward to the first edition, it says, “To show you precisely,” precisely, not kinda, “precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of thisnn469n00:27:44.098 –> 00:27:47.078nbook.” That’s a pretty heavy statement.nn470n00:27:47.078 –> 00:27:48.398nSays it’s a textbook.nn471n00:27:48.398 –> 00:27:49.818nWhat’s a textbook do?nn472n00:27:49.818 –> 00:27:51.598nYou study it, right?nn473n00:27:51.598 –> 00:27:58.718nIt’s not a, like, read through it quick and go, “I got that down.” Every time I go through it, I see new stuff, and I found somebody who knew about that.nn474n00:27:58.718 –> 00:28:02.058nI remember one of our early visits, he talked about being recovered.nn475n00:28:02.058 –> 00:28:03.318nI thought he was arrogant.nn476n00:28:03.318 –> 00:28:07.758nHe thought he was recovered, I thought he was arrogant and, uh, telling me he was recovered.nn477n00:28:07.758 –> 00:28:17.778nI said, “What do you mean you’re recovered?” He said, “Well, I am.” I said, “Well, how do you know that?” He said, “Because I know I am.” I said, “Well, how do you getnn478n00:28:17.778 –> 00:28:21.298nrecovered?” He said, “Well, you do what’s in here.” And I said, “Well, I’ve done that.nn479n00:28:21.298 –> 00:28:33.058nAm, am I recovered?” He said, “Well, I don’t know.” I said, “Well, how will I know when I am?” He said, “When you are.” Ifnn480n00:28:33.058 –> 00:28:34.697nyou’re lucky, you’ll have a sponsor like mine.nn481n00:28:34.697 –> 00:28:38.618nIt’s the truth, and I got it.nn482n00:28:38.618 –> 00:28:40.348nI figured it out when I got recovered.nn483n00:28:40.348 –> 00:28:44.578nIf you’re in recovery, you must be very tired, okay?nn484n00:28:44.578 –> 00:28:49.918nThere’s a promise that we get to be recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.nn485n00:28:49.918 –> 00:28:54.278nOkay, we’ve talked about the body part, putting that alcohol in, you know, and it kicks in, and you wanna drink a lot.nn486n00:28:54.278 –> 00:28:55.078nWhat’s the mental part?nn487n00:28:55.078 –> 00:28:56.038nHow am I mentally different?nn488n00:28:56.038 –> 00:28:59.308nI’m mentally different ’cause I think next time it’s gonna be different.nn489n00:28:59.308 –> 00:29:05.758nI wake up in the morning stinking of alcohol, sometimes not even really sure where I am.nn490n00:29:05.758 –> 00:29:09.498nHave you ever peeked out a window and gone, “Okay, what street is this?” Okay?nn491n00:29:09.498 –> 00:29:11.446nFeeling horrible.nn492n00:29:11.446 –> 00:29:13.186nAnd what do I say?nn493n00:29:13.186 –> 00:29:22.516n”I will never do this again, ever.” And I mean it with every fiber in my being, just like I meant I’ll be home at 7:00.nn494n00:29:22.516 –> 00:29:28.246nI mean, who would ever wanna feel like this, think like this, be frightened of where you’ve been?nn495n00:29:28.246 –> 00:29:30.425nDoes your car have a, a bump on it?nn496n00:29:30.425 –> 00:29:32.346nWho would wanna behave like that?nn497n00:29:32.346 –> 00:29:33.626nI just went for happy hour.nn498n00:29:33.626 –> 00:29:36.166nI will never do this again.nn499n00:29:36.166 –> 00:29:38.626nAnd then the weirdest thing happens.nn500n00:29:38.626 –> 00:29:40.346nIt’s the weirdest thing.nn501n00:29:40.346 –> 00:29:45.506nIt could happen two hours later, five hours later, a day later, three days later, it could happen a month later.nn502n00:29:45.506 –> 00:29:51.966nMy mind changes, and I forget why I was never gonna do that again.nn503n00:29:51.966 –> 00:29:54.086nIt never even enters my mind.nn504n00:29:54.086 –> 00:29:56.426nI’m one of those that doesn’t even think.nn505n00:29:56.426 –> 00:30:00.606nSee, some people go, “Well, you know, if I just drink beer instead of wine, or if I…nn506n00:30:00.606 –> 00:30:04.926nYou know, it’ll be different.” Well, if that isn’t pure insanity, what is?nn507n00:30:04.926 –> 00:30:11.786nI have years of drinking history to show me what’s gonna happen, and I drink anyway.nn508n00:30:11.786 –> 00:30:19.346nI have all those experiences behind me, and I can’t even bring them into my consciousness to remind me not to drink.nn509n00:30:19.346 –> 00:30:21.286nI can’t just say no.nn510n00:30:21.286 –> 00:30:26.226nSomething’s wrong with that mind.nn511n00:30:26.226 –> 00:30:28.766nThat mind needs to be changed.nn512n00:30:28.766 –> 00:30:31.886nIt needs to be fixed, so we’re bodily and mentally different.nn513n00:30:31.886 –> 00:30:36.926nAnd, and, and our loved ones look at us and go, “Why are you doing this?” I don’t know.nn514n00:30:36.926 –> 00:30:41.106nThat’s why one alcoholic can best help another alcoholic.nn515n00:30:41.106 –> 00:30:43.786nIsn’t it horrible to sit with someone who doesn’t have our problem?nn516n00:30:43.786 –> 00:30:45.546nTry to talk about it.nn517n00:30:45.546 –> 00:30:57.656n”Well, honey, just don’t do that.” “Okay.” “Well, honey, didn’t you understand you had a business meeting?” “Uh-uh.” “Well,nn518n00:30:57.656 –> 00:31:01.086nhoney, don’t you realize the rent’s due?” “Oh.” You know?nn519n00:31:01.086 –> 00:31:05.826nIt just– I mean, we’re talking apples and oranges.nn520n00:31:05.826 –> 00:31:14.746nWe live in different worlds, but boy, you set one alcoholic down with another and talk about going to that bar for happy hour, and next thing you know, it’s, you know, you’re in Vegas three days later.nn521n00:31:14.746 –> 00:31:16.526nWe understand that.nn522n00:31:16.526 –> 00:31:20.986nAnd that’s why this thing is so confusing.nn523n00:31:20.986 –> 00:31:23.966nSo the mind has to change.nn524n00:31:23.966 –> 00:31:24.886nThis is what I believe.nn525n00:31:24.886 –> 00:31:25.406nYou ready?nn526n00:31:25.406 –> 00:31:28.926nOh, we’ve got lots of time.nn527n00:31:28.926 –> 00:31:31.926nThis is my experience.nn528n00:31:31.926 –> 00:31:34.226nI am powerless over alcohol.nn529n00:31:34.226 –> 00:31:38.126nYou see, I, I can’t predict what’s gonna happen.nn530n00:31:38.126 –> 00:31:40.346nI can’t stop or moderate once I’ve started.nn531n00:31:40.346 –> 00:31:42.815nAll right?nn532n00:31:42.815 –> 00:31:45.666nI got that physical thing, and my life’s unmanageable.nn533n00:31:45.666 –> 00:31:46.866nAnd you wanna know what’s unmanageable?nn534n00:31:46.866 –> 00:31:48.966nThis little baby right here.nn535n00:31:48.966 –> 00:31:50.666nThis is what’s unmanageable.nn536n00:31:50.666 –> 00:31:53.746nAlways thought it was everything out here I wasn’t managing well.nn537n00:31:53.746 –> 00:31:54.526nIt’s my mind.nn538n00:31:54.526 –> 00:31:56.326nIt’s my perception.nn539n00:31:56.326 –> 00:31:58.286nIt’s how I view life has got to change.nn540n00:31:58.286 –> 00:32:01.065nSee, I got a mind that tells me the next drink is gonna be different.nn541n00:32:01.065 –> 00:32:08.766nIt tells me that it’s gonna be a completely different experience, or it doesn’t tell me anything at all.nn542n00:32:08.766 –> 00:32:11.666nThat’s insanity.nn543n00:32:11.666 –> 00:32:13.266nThat’s unmanageability to me.nn544n00:32:13.266 –> 00:32:16.106nAnd I’m gonna say something else.nn545n00:32:16.106 –> 00:32:17.106nWe talk a lot.nn546n00:32:17.106 –> 00:32:19.366nWe got a lot of information these days about…nn547n00:32:19.366 –> 00:32:24.446nI loved it, uh, when Jack was talking about we didn’t have dysfunctional households then, you know?nn548n00:32:24.446 –> 00:32:27.785nAnd it was like, I came from one– I came from a war zone.nn549n00:32:27.785 –> 00:32:29.646nI mean, my mom, God love her, I loved her.nn550n00:32:29.646 –> 00:32:30.366nI still love her.nn551n00:32:30.366 –> 00:32:31.606nI just loved her.nn552n00:32:31.606 –> 00:32:33.546nShe just suffered so deeply, you know?nn553n00:32:33.546 –> 00:32:35.186nAnd today I understand that.nn554n00:32:35.186 –> 00:32:37.366nI’m three years older than my mother was when she died.nn555n00:32:37.366 –> 00:32:40.466nAnd, uh, you know, y’all, I tried menopause on, you know?nn556n00:32:40.466 –> 00:32:41.845nI understand why she drank.nn557n00:32:41.845 –> 00:32:43.526nIt’s like, ah, yeah, you know?nn558n00:32:43.526 –> 00:32:44.046nBut anyway.nn559n00:32:44.046 –> 00:32:48.986nSo, like, we lived in this really neat old house.nn560n00:32:48.986 –> 00:32:53.886nIt’s actually on the historic register in Texas, and it was a wonderful old house and– but it ha- it was heated by radiators.nn561n00:32:53.886 –> 00:32:56.366nNot that we’re supposed to be talking about all this, but it’s a great story.nn562n00:32:56.366 –> 00:33:01.706nSo anyway, she’d have her hot flashes, and she’d get up in the middle of the night and shut the heat off.nn563n00:33:01.706 –> 00:33:01.926nOkay?nn564n00:33:01.926 –> 00:33:06.386nIf you’ve ever lived in an old house with radiators, you know how long it takes to heat the house after they’re, like, freezing cold.nn565n00:33:06.386 –> 00:33:10.426nYou know, we’d like sit on them and put our clothes on it and, you know, to try to warm up.nn566n00:33:10.426 –> 00:33:11.706nShe just shut off the whole system.nn567n00:33:11.706 –> 00:33:16.306nBut anyway, uh, I get wandering, you know?nn568n00:33:16.306 –> 00:33:19.086nSo, um, I was talking about unmanageability.nn569n00:33:19.086 –> 00:33:19.746nWe’ll move back.nn570n00:33:19.746 –> 00:33:20.786nGod will bring us back there.nn571n00:33:20.786 –> 00:33:22.686nI will tell you another story, though.nn572n00:33:22.686 –> 00:33:28.846nOne of my great fears being up here is that one day God’s not gonna give me anything to say, if you can imagine that.nn573n00:33:28.846 –> 00:33:34.566nAnd it happened at the Lone Star Roundup in Texas.nn574n00:33:34.566 –> 00:33:40.766nOh my God, I got up to give a talk on a Saturday night, and it was really weird.nn575n00:33:40.766 –> 00:33:42.466nI– It was the weirdest feeling in the whole world.nn576n00:33:42.466 –> 00:33:49.666nI was giving this talk, and I felt like I was just going, oh, and this is, you know, and I took amphetamines, and I just heard myself droning, you know?nn577n00:33:49.666 –> 00:33:53.606nAnd I just felt like I am so sick of my story.nn578n00:33:53.606 –> 00:33:55.366nAnd I looked down, and the voice of the conference-nn579n00:33:55.561 –> 00:33:58.481nLike he was sleeping , kind of nodding.nn580n00:33:58.481 –> 00:34:02.981nAnd I looked out in the audience, and I thought, twenty-two hundred and sixteen people are sleeping.nn581n00:34:02.981 –> 00:34:03.681nAll right?nn582n00:34:03.681 –> 00:34:04.620nI was convinced.nn583n00:34:04.620 –> 00:34:07.041nAnd, uh, and I couldn’t speak anymore.nn584n00:34:07.041 –> 00:34:08.161nIt was the greatest thing.nn585n00:34:08.161 –> 00:34:09.041nIt was so weird.nn586n00:34:09.041 –> 00:34:12.111nAnd, so I just stopped dead in my tracks.nn587n00:34:12.111 –> 00:34:13.841nSo I have been through my worst fear up here.nn588n00:34:13.841 –> 00:34:20.241nIt did survive, but it’s a strange feeling when you think the entire audience is nodding at your story.nn589n00:34:20.241 –> 00:34:23.161nSo anyway, I was back on unmanageability.nn590n00:34:23.161 –> 00:34:24.121nGod will bring us around.nn591n00:34:24.121 –> 00:34:26.361nI’m gonna talk about the insanity of the second step.nn592n00:34:26.361 –> 00:34:27.961nOkay?nn593n00:34:27.961 –> 00:34:30.261nThe insanity is thinking the next drink’s gonna be different.nn594n00:34:30.261 –> 00:34:40.381nSo I got this messed up mind, and it says, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore sanity.” My sponsor told me, for the sake of argument, you were insane the second you were born.nn595n00:34:40.381 –> 00:34:41.461nOkay?nn596n00:34:41.461 –> 00:34:42.961nWe’re not gonna argue about that.nn597n00:34:42.961 –> 00:34:44.661nBut the insanity…nn598n00:34:44.661 –> 00:34:45.561nAnd he knows me well.nn599n00:34:45.561 –> 00:34:49.911nUm, but the insanity, too, that I talk about is the insanity behind alcoholism.nn600n00:34:49.911 –> 00:34:51.641nTalking about that mental obsession.nn601n00:34:51.641 –> 00:34:53.561nMy mind must change.nn602n00:34:53.561 –> 00:34:54.961nIt has gotta be fixed.nn603n00:34:54.961 –> 00:34:58.541nAnd you know what stands between me and the next drink because my mind is fixed?nn604n00:34:58.541 –> 00:34:59.761nGod.nn605n00:34:59.761 –> 00:35:02.001nI don’t beat around the bush about it.nn606n00:35:02.001 –> 00:35:03.061nI’m not gonna kid you about it.nn607n00:35:03.061 –> 00:35:04.181nBobby said it last night.nn608n00:35:04.181 –> 00:35:07.401nDon’t beat around the bush about the spiritual aspects of this program.nn609n00:35:07.401 –> 00:35:11.241nAnd I used to do that early on, talking with people.nn610n00:35:11.241 –> 00:35:21.301nYou know, I would go, “Well, we do this step, and we work these steps, and you have to do this in meetings and all this, and there’s a God.” ‘Cause you don’t wanna scare ’em, right?nn611n00:35:21.301 –> 00:35:23.261nWell, now I just scare ’em to death.nn612n00:35:23.261 –> 00:35:24.281nAll right?nn613n00:35:24.281 –> 00:35:28.181n’Cause the truth is, if I had the power not to drink, I would do that.nn614n00:35:28.181 –> 00:35:33.221nIt is painfully clear to me that I don’t have that power.nn615n00:35:33.221 –> 00:35:35.561nIf you don’t know that yet, you’re probably gonna drink again.nn616n00:35:35.561 –> 00:35:37.441nThat’s just fact.nn617n00:35:37.441 –> 00:35:38.921nAnd nobody can give you your first step.nn618n00:35:38.921 –> 00:35:40.041nNobody.nn619n00:35:40.041 –> 00:35:42.641nAlcohol gave me my first step.nn620n00:35:42.641 –> 00:35:44.240nIt beat me to death.nn621n00:35:44.240 –> 00:35:45.441nOkay?nn622n00:35:45.441 –> 00:35:46.831nI got it.nn623n00:35:46.831 –> 00:35:48.861nI understand what powerlessness is.nn624n00:35:48.861 –> 00:35:50.481nNobody can sit down and give that to you.nn625n00:35:50.481 –> 00:36:00.001nEven though alcohol gave me physically my first step, a good sponsor explained to me later what had happened, and it was in that book.nn626n00:36:00.001 –> 00:36:08.931nI do not have any power over alcohol, and it’s insane to think that the next drink’s gonna be different.nn627n00:36:08.931 –> 00:36:10.061nSo I need a change of mind.nn628n00:36:10.061 –> 00:36:11.781nThis is my belief.nn629n00:36:11.781 –> 00:36:13.741nThat is what this entire program’s about.nn630n00:36:13.741 –> 00:36:14.991nThat’s what the book says.nn631n00:36:14.991 –> 00:36:19.341nIn the chapter, “Do We Agnostics,” it says, “Lack of power, that’s our dilemma.nn632n00:36:19.341 –> 00:36:24.831nWe had to find a power by which we could live, but exactly how are we gonna do that?” It says, “You know what?nn633n00:36:24.831 –> 00:36:27.421nThat’s exactly what this book is about.nn634n00:36:27.421 –> 00:36:35.481nTo enable you to find a power greater than yourself, which will solve your problem.” How much more clear can you be?nn635n00:36:35.481 –> 00:36:41.801nThat is the wh– entire purpose of that book, is to help you find that power that’s gonna solve the problem.nn636n00:36:41.801 –> 00:36:42.521nWell, how do you do that?nn637n00:36:42.521 –> 00:36:44.121nWell, you gotta work the steps.nn638n00:36:44.121 –> 00:36:45.981nSee?nn639n00:36:45.981 –> 00:36:50.241nYou gotta do the spiritual exercises that are there in order to have that experience.nn640n00:36:50.241 –> 00:36:52.501nAnd God gave it back to me.nn641n00:36:52.501 –> 00:36:56.161nThe story I was gonna tell you, I was raised, as I told you, in a war zone.nn642n00:36:56.161 –> 00:36:57.000nIt was not pretty.nn643n00:36:57.000 –> 00:37:00.261nMom had taken Seconals and, you know, I’d come home from a date, and she was dead on the floor.nn644n00:37:00.261 –> 00:37:01.161nWe’d be pumping her stomach.nn645n00:37:01.161 –> 00:37:02.521nThank God my father was a doctor.nn646n00:37:02.521 –> 00:37:04.921nYou know, I was stitching her up in the middle of the night.nn647n00:37:04.921 –> 00:37:05.601nI mean, it was crazy.nn648n00:37:05.601 –> 00:37:06.780nAnd there was abuse in my household.nn649n00:37:06.780 –> 00:37:07.501nThere was all that stuff.nn650n00:37:07.501 –> 00:37:08.241nBut you wanna know something?nn651n00:37:08.241 –> 00:37:09.581nThat did not make me an alcoholic.nn652n00:37:09.581 –> 00:37:12.161nThat is not what makes me an alcoholic.nn653n00:37:12.161 –> 00:37:13.561nLet’s make a– Let’s talk.nn654n00:37:13.561 –> 00:37:21.781nI may have had a next-door neighbor whose mom did all that stuff and had all those deaths and went through all that stuff, and she takes a drink of alcohol, but the phenomenon of craving doesn’t kick in.nn655n00:37:21.781 –> 00:37:24.181nSee?nn656n00:37:24.181 –> 00:37:29.661nSo my past is not what makes me an alcoholic, but drinking alcohol relieves the pain of it.nn657n00:37:29.661 –> 00:37:32.021nIt gave me ease and comfort.nn658n00:37:32.021 –> 00:37:36.401nBut even if I hadn’t had all that stuff, I still have that thing in me.nn659n00:37:36.401 –> 00:37:42.881nSo when you hear people up here talking about all of their consequences, and you didn’t have those consequences, that doesn’t mean you’re not a drunk.nn660n00:37:42.881 –> 00:37:44.681nOkay?nn661n00:37:44.681 –> 00:37:46.181nBecause I didn’t go to jail.nn662n00:37:46.181 –> 00:37:47.541nI didn’t have all that stuff.nn663n00:37:47.541 –> 00:37:54.721nAnd I would listen sometimes, and I would go, “Oh, maybe I have some more drinking to do.” Everybody has their own journey with it.nn664n00:37:54.721 –> 00:38:00.861nIt’s about what happens when I put alcohol in my body, and can I stop and moderate or not, and can I not pick up the first drink when I don’t want to?nn665n00:38:00.861 –> 00:38:04.681nThe thing that stands between me and the first drink, I said it before, is God.nn666n00:38:04.681 –> 00:38:09.241nAnd it doesn’t stand before me picking up the drink ’cause you pick up the drink, it’s too late.nn667n00:38:09.241 –> 00:38:10.201nIt’s over.nn668n00:38:10.201 –> 00:38:15.701nI have to have something that stands in between me and the thought of picking up the next drink.nn669n00:38:15.701 –> 00:38:18.181nIt talks about no effective mental defense.nn670n00:38:18.181 –> 00:38:25.621nAll the information I’ve got about alcoholism, and I got a ton, will not stop me from picking up a drink if I am not spiritually fit.nn671n00:38:25.621 –> 00:38:27.701nThat’s a fact.nn672n00:38:27.701 –> 00:38:34.801nCalling you, people say, “Oh, well, if you just called me.” People call me and say, “Jan, so I’m gonna drink.” I say, “See you.nn673n00:38:34.801 –> 00:38:36.401nBe careful.” You know what I mean?nn674n00:38:36.401 –> 00:38:40.431nI went through a crisis not too long ago, lasted many years.nn675n00:38:40.431 –> 00:38:42.561nBut I remember I, I said– called somebody.nn676n00:38:42.561 –> 00:38:50.441nI said, “I’m thinking a drink sounds good.” And he said, “Where are you gonna go?” And I– I have very compassionate friends.nn677n00:38:50.441 –> 00:38:52.601nI said, “I, I– The College Inn.nn678n00:38:52.601 –> 00:38:58.601nI-I’ve been thinking about going to College Inn.” And he goes, “Oh, God, I used to drink there.” He said, “It’s a really neat place.” You know?nn679n00:38:58.601 –> 00:39:02.921nIf you’re gonna drink, you’re gonna drink, and that’s not unkind.nn680n00:39:02.921 –> 00:39:06.421nNo human power can relieve my alcoholism.nn681n00:39:06.421 –> 00:39:12.261nIf you have the kind of alcoholism I have, you have been placed beyond human aid.nn682n00:39:12.261 –> 00:39:15.241nThe book says so.nn683n00:39:15.241 –> 00:39:16.781nThe book’s either right or it’s not.nn684n00:39:16.781 –> 00:39:19.661nI have this theory about Alcoholics Anonymous.nn685n00:39:19.661 –> 00:39:20.121nAre you ready?nn686n00:39:20.121 –> 00:39:21.061nSome of you aren’t gonna like it.nn687n00:39:21.061 –> 00:39:23.321nI love this.nn688n00:39:23.321 –> 00:39:25.941nAnd you can come up and see me after, tell me what you think of me.nn689n00:39:25.941 –> 00:39:27.381nI love that stuff.nn690n00:39:27.381 –> 00:39:34.721nAnd, um, it says, “This is a suggested program.” Have you ever had a sponsoree look at you and say, “Well, you can’t tell me what to do.nn691n00:39:34.721 –> 00:39:37.891nThese are just suggestions.” You know, it’s like, you know.nn692n00:39:37.891 –> 00:39:43.401nThis is how I view this as a suggested program thing.nn693n00:39:43.401 –> 00:39:47.921nIt’s my personal opinion, and it has changed through the years, so it might change again.nn694n00:39:47.921 –> 00:39:52.841nIt says it’s a suggested program, which tells me there are some other suggested programs.nn695n00:39:52.841 –> 00:39:54.521nLet’s say there’s five of them.nn696n00:39:54.521 –> 00:40:01.305nThere’s psychiatry, religion, AA, um- Whatever.nn697n00:40:01.305 –> 00:40:02.725nTwo whatevers.nn698n00:40:02.725 –> 00:40:04.805nI really wasn’t meaning to be funny.nn699n00:40:04.805 –> 00:40:06.765nI was trying to come up with something, you know, that…nn700n00:40:06.765 –> 00:40:07.695nBecause guess what?nn701n00:40:07.695 –> 00:40:09.165nWe do not have a corner on the market.nn702n00:40:09.165 –> 00:40:12.005nPeople do get sober without us, by the way.nn703n00:40:12.005 –> 00:40:13.725nLet’s not be arrogant.nn704n00:40:13.725 –> 00:40:17.705nSo it’s like, let’s say there are these five out there, maybe I need to start saying three.nn705n00:40:17.705 –> 00:40:18.975nBut anyway- …nn706n00:40:18.975 –> 00:40:22.705nthere are these five out there, and you look at that, and you end up in Alcoholics Anonymous.nn707n00:40:22.705 –> 00:40:27.445nOnce you come here and decide to do this, there isn’t a suggestion in the book.nn708n00:40:27.445 –> 00:40:29.224nOkay?nn709n00:40:29.224 –> 00:40:35.965nIt says, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” It says, “Half measures avail us” what?nn710n00:40:35.965 –> 00:40:37.425nNothing.nn711n00:40:37.425 –> 00:40:38.074nNothing.nn712n00:40:38.074 –> 00:40:42.105nNot half, not a quarter, not you’ll slide by.nn713n00:40:42.105 –> 00:40:42.645nZippo.nn714n00:40:42.645 –> 00:40:45.205nNow, that to me is not a suggestion.nn715n00:40:45.205 –> 00:40:54.085nIt says, “If you don’t do precisely what’s in this book, the way it says, you’re probably gonna get drunk.” And it’ll tell you lots of places in there where you do get drunk.nn716n00:40:54.085 –> 00:40:58.385nIt’ll tell you in inventory, “When harboring such feelings,” what feelings?nn717n00:40:58.385 –> 00:40:59.785nOh, I can’t stand that guy.nn718n00:40:59.785 –> 00:41:01.065nI’d like to run him over with a truck.nn719n00:41:01.065 –> 00:41:02.605nThose kind of feelings.nn720n00:41:02.605 –> 00:41:03.425nYou know?nn721n00:41:03.425 –> 00:41:04.565nFear, stuff.nn722n00:41:04.565 –> 00:41:11.225n”We shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns, and we’re sure to drink again.” Now, is that a suggestion?nn723n00:41:11.225 –> 00:41:12.415nNo.nn724n00:41:12.415 –> 00:41:14.665nThat’s as clear as a bell, and it has a period at the end of it.nn725n00:41:14.665 –> 00:41:24.325nIn the fifth step, if we don’t divulge everything to another human being, if we skip this vital step, we’re sure to drink again.nn726n00:41:24.325 –> 00:41:25.865nI’ll be darned.nn727n00:41:25.865 –> 00:41:32.405nSex inventory, if we continue to participate in behavior that harms others, we’re gonna drink again.nn728n00:41:32.405 –> 00:41:34.564nAnd if you don’t believe it, you better take that one to the bank.nn729n00:41:34.564 –> 00:41:36.465nI mean it.nn730n00:41:36.465 –> 00:41:39.645nOur relationship stuff and sobriety’s a tough deal, and I know ’cause I’ve been there.nn731n00:41:39.645 –> 00:41:41.525nI have.nn732n00:41:41.525 –> 00:41:43.385nThat’s a tough deal.nn733n00:41:43.385 –> 00:41:45.165nAnd it can separate us from God.nn734n00:41:45.165 –> 00:41:47.185nYou know?nn735n00:41:47.185 –> 00:41:49.435nAnd, but behavior that continues to harm others.nn736n00:41:49.435 –> 00:41:51.925nThere’s another one in there.nn737n00:41:51.925 –> 00:41:53.325nRemember the story of Jim?nn738n00:41:53.325 –> 00:41:55.425nHe failed to enlarge his spiritual life.nn739n00:41:55.425 –> 00:42:05.645nAnd there’s a line in there that says, “If we fail to perfect and enlarge our spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, we will not survive the tough timesnn740n00:42:05.645 –> 00:42:07.105nahead,” period.nn741n00:42:07.105 –> 00:42:08.884nNow, those are not suggestions.nn742n00:42:08.884 –> 00:42:11.905nDoes not say, “You might get by with it,” you know?nn743n00:42:11.905 –> 00:42:21.914nAnd it doesn’t say, “Okay, we’ve got these 12 steps, and they’re in numerical order for boneheads.” “And, uh, you know, we got ’em like one, two, three, four.” And these are not new spiritualnn744n00:42:21.914 –> 00:42:22.294nideas.nn745n00:42:22.294 –> 00:42:28.325nThere are plenty of religions been doing what we’ve been doing since time began, but we need them in numerical order so we can follow directions.nn746n00:42:28.325 –> 00:42:38.125nBut nowhere in that book did I see that it said, “Do the even numbers next Thursday.” “If the ninth step becomes a little uncomfortable, just don’t quit.nn747n00:42:38.125 –> 00:42:39.065nJust don’t do it.nn748n00:42:39.065 –> 00:42:39.905nYou know?nn749n00:42:39.905 –> 00:42:41.365nDon’t do that tough one.nn750n00:42:41.365 –> 00:42:44.105nAnd whatever you do, don’t be of service.nn751n00:42:44.105 –> 00:42:51.765nAnd 12, practicing these principles in all our affairs, well, affairs don’t mean sexual affairs.” You know what I mean?nn752n00:42:51.765 –> 00:42:53.335nSo it doesn’t say that.nn753n00:42:53.335 –> 00:43:00.545nIt says, “This is what you gotta do,” and the neat part is, it’ll tell you what you’ll get if you do it, and it also tells you what you won’t get if you don’t do it.nn754n00:43:00.545 –> 00:43:03.625nSo I love that book, and I study it.nn755n00:43:03.625 –> 00:43:06.505nSo the second step, restore us to sanity.nn756n00:43:06.505 –> 00:43:10.245nSanity means I need a new mind, and I do get restored to sanity.nn757n00:43:10.245 –> 00:43:11.685nYou know where?nn758n00:43:11.685 –> 00:43:12.625nIn the 10th step.nn759n00:43:12.625 –> 00:43:18.215nIn the 10th step it says, “By now, sanity will have returned.nn760n00:43:18.215 –> 00:43:19.965nI’ll seldom be interested in liquor.nn761n00:43:19.965 –> 00:43:22.545nI’m gonna recoil from it like from a hot flame.nn762n00:43:22.545 –> 00:43:28.245nI’ll be placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protective.” And it just comes.nn763n00:43:28.245 –> 00:43:29.805nIt’s just like that.nn764n00:43:29.805 –> 00:43:31.085nThat’s sanity.nn765n00:43:31.085 –> 00:43:33.985nThat means the insanity of alcohol is gone.nn766n00:43:33.985 –> 00:43:36.725nDo you know how far it is between two and 10?nn767n00:43:36.725 –> 00:43:38.905nThat’s a long haul.nn768n00:43:38.905 –> 00:43:40.025nOkay?nn769n00:43:40.025 –> 00:43:45.725nSo when you do that one, two, three thing and quit, you’re not gonna feel very good after a while.nn770n00:43:45.725 –> 00:43:46.825nYou know?nn771n00:43:46.825 –> 00:43:48.005nI know ’cause I did that.nn772n00:43:48.005 –> 00:43:53.145nBetween two and 10, there’s a lot of work we gotta do to get that.nn773n00:43:53.145 –> 00:44:03.305nNow, that may come for you before the first step when you got in, or in the second, or in the fifth or the seventh or in the middle of the amends, but for sure by the 10th step, we’re guaranteednn774n00:44:03.305 –> 00:44:03.645nthat.nn775n00:44:03.645 –> 00:44:09.085nAnd if I don’t have that, then I’m missing something, and that’s how I’m gonna know when I’m recovered.nn776n00:44:09.085 –> 00:44:15.205nMy sponsor tells me to this day, if I’m not a bit evangelical by the middle of the ninth step, we missed something.nn777n00:44:15.205 –> 00:44:17.145nYou know?nn778n00:44:17.145 –> 00:44:18.685n’Cause I’m on fire again.nn779n00:44:18.685 –> 00:44:19.995nI’ve had a new experience.nn780n00:44:19.995 –> 00:44:22.565nI’ve written lots of inventories.nn781n00:44:22.565 –> 00:44:27.685nI come from the school of thought that when I sponsor people, if you’re working the steps and I’m taking you through, I’m going through ’em with you.nn782n00:44:27.685 –> 00:44:35.085nIt’s not like I’m sitting here, like, laying my stuff on you about how spiritual I am and praying with you so you have a rocket fuel experience.nn783n00:44:35.085 –> 00:44:36.325nI’m taking a third step with you.nn784n00:44:36.325 –> 00:44:38.865nSo that must mean it’s time for me to write inventory.nn785n00:44:38.865 –> 00:44:42.005n’Cause I answer questions about alcoholism while we talk.nn786n00:44:42.005 –> 00:44:43.905nIn the first step, we go over the doctor’s opinion.nn787n00:44:43.905 –> 00:44:45.345nI talk to you about my insanity.nn788n00:44:45.345 –> 00:44:47.165nI answer the questions in the second step.nn789n00:44:47.165 –> 00:44:57.185nDon’t you love the second step when it says, “Well, did we wanna live by spiritual principles or go on to the bitter end, blotting out the misery of our intolerable situation?” Don’t you lovenn790n00:44:57.185 –> 00:44:57.405nthat?nn791n00:44:57.405 –> 00:45:04.385nAlcoholics go, “Let me think about it.” Right?nn792n00:45:04.385 –> 00:45:07.945nYou know, I had a few days on that one.nn793n00:45:07.945 –> 00:45:12.745nYou have a fatal disease, and I got a way out of it.nn794n00:45:12.745 –> 00:45:14.585nYeah, but I’m still having a little bit of fun.nn795n00:45:14.585 –> 00:45:17.985nI forgot I went to jail.nn796n00:45:17.985 –> 00:45:21.025nYou know?nn797n00:45:21.025 –> 00:45:24.485nIsn’t God fun?nn798n00:45:24.485 –> 00:45:26.125nIs this the Sunday morning you expected?nn799n00:45:26.125 –> 00:45:31.485nAnyway, um, so I, I’ve written a lot of inventories.nn800n00:45:31.485 –> 00:45:33.205nI, I don’t believe in write it once and you’re done.nn801n00:45:33.205 –> 00:45:36.225nSome stuff didn’t even come to mind till five years later.nn802n00:45:36.225 –> 00:45:39.185nFirst five years of my sobriety, I felt like I was in a blackout.nn803n00:45:39.185 –> 00:45:40.285nSeriously.nn804n00:45:40.285 –> 00:45:41.845nI was a very sick girl.nn805n00:45:41.845 –> 00:45:45.005nI drank a ton of alcohol, you know?nn806n00:45:45.005 –> 00:45:49.185nAnd, uh, I came to at my fifth birthday, there was a cake and all these people.nn807n00:45:49.185 –> 00:45:51.925nI was like, “Wow, it must have been fun,” you know?nn808n00:45:51.925 –> 00:45:55.805nThat’s really what it felt like.nn809n00:45:55.805 –> 00:45:59.445nAnd, um, and I’ve kind of had memories since then.nn810n00:45:59.445 –> 00:46:02.861nBut, um- Yeah, there’s a long haul here.nn811n00:46:02.861 –> 00:46:05.481nHow can I say, well, I wrote this inventory at two years sobriety, and I’m done.nn812n00:46:05.481 –> 00:46:07.301nI live in ten, 11, and 12.nn813n00:46:07.301 –> 00:46:14.381nBut I think that sounds good in theory, unless you’ve had the kind of mind that I’ve had, and the kind of people I deal with.nn814n00:46:14.381 –> 00:46:20.801nYou know, a little house cleaning every once in a while is, is not bad for the soul and, uh, but don’t let me suggest how you do it.nn815n00:46:20.801 –> 00:46:21.741nIt’s just how I do it.nn816n00:46:21.741 –> 00:46:25.661nAnd I stay active in sponsorship and all that sort of stuff.nn817n00:46:25.661 –> 00:46:27.001nSo I’m gonna tell you a little bit about sobriety.nn818n00:46:27.001 –> 00:46:28.141nYou wanna hear a little bit about sobriety?nn819n00:46:28.141 –> 00:46:28.931nMm-hmm.nn820n00:46:28.931 –> 00:46:33.421nSome of it’s been a kick in the pants, and some of it has just been absolutely terrifying.nn821n00:46:33.421 –> 00:46:35.381nYou know, I mean, what do you do?nn822n00:46:35.381 –> 00:46:36.381nYou wake up in this world.nn823n00:46:36.381 –> 00:46:37.561nI came from a war zone.nn824n00:46:37.561 –> 00:46:39.381nI have absolutely no social skills.nn825n00:46:39.381 –> 00:46:45.221nUm, I’m glib, which won’t get you anywhere with a nickel, and, uh, in the real world.nn826n00:46:45.221 –> 00:46:52.781nBut, um, and I wake up without alcohol, and I’m trying to function.nn827n00:46:52.781 –> 00:46:53.421nIsn’t that neat?nn828n00:46:53.421 –> 00:46:57.421nThere’s this assumption that we come into Alcoholics Anonymous, we start doing this, and we’re well.nn829n00:46:57.421 –> 00:47:01.761nSo we walk around trying to act well, whatever that is.nn830n00:47:01.761 –> 00:47:04.421nWe didn’t even grow up in a well place, most of us.nn831n00:47:04.421 –> 00:47:07.200nSo we’re trying to act like something we don’t even know what it is.nn832n00:47:07.200 –> 00:47:10.601nYou know, and so we’re ha– try to have relationships and, you know…nn833n00:47:10.601 –> 00:47:11.860nOh, my God.nn834n00:47:11.860 –> 00:47:16.961nAnd, and I am sort of a humorous story in Denver because I’ve lived my sobriety right out there.nn835n00:47:16.961 –> 00:47:19.701nGod doesn’t let me do it quietly in the basement.nn836n00:47:19.701 –> 00:47:20.941nAnd they always go, “Oh, that’s Janice.nn837n00:47:20.941 –> 00:47:25.641nShe’s crazy.” You know, and, uh, but, uh, let’s talk about relationships, maybe.nn838n00:47:25.641 –> 00:47:26.141nAren’t they fun?nn839n00:47:26.141 –> 00:47:27.961nMm.nn840n00:47:27.961 –> 00:47:30.501nYou know, and, and I’ve had a few of those.nn841n00:47:30.501 –> 00:47:33.341nAnd, um, as a matter of fact, I just love my new pearls.nn842n00:47:33.341 –> 00:47:33.981nDo you like my pearls?nn843n00:47:33.981 –> 00:47:34.981nThese are freshwater pearls.nn844n00:47:34.981 –> 00:47:35.901nI’m just so excited.nn845n00:47:35.901 –> 00:47:38.381nI got them from Christmas, from my ex-husband.nn846n00:47:38.381 –> 00:47:43.061nAnd, um- We had to get a divorce to figure out how to talk to each other.nn847n00:47:43.061 –> 00:47:45.261nThat’s the truth.nn848n00:47:45.261 –> 00:47:46.821nWe’re the best of friends today.nn849n00:47:46.821 –> 00:47:55.741nWe were married a few years ago, and we woke up and went, “Oh, my God, what have we done?” And, um, so we got a divorce, and now we’re just the best of buddies.nn850n00:47:55.741 –> 00:47:59.621nAnd he bought me these beautiful pearls, you know, and, and we’re good friends.nn851n00:47:59.621 –> 00:48:02.301nAnd, and, uh, I was in an abusive relationship in sobriety.nn852n00:48:02.301 –> 00:48:04.721nI don’t remember doing that when I was drinking.nn853n00:48:04.721 –> 00:48:07.121nUm, but- I don’t.nn854n00:48:07.121 –> 00:48:08.581nI don’t remember anybody behaving like that.nn855n00:48:08.581 –> 00:48:11.021nAnd I was pretty mean when I drank, so they probably wouldn’t.nn856n00:48:11.021 –> 00:48:16.480nBut, um, anyway, I got hooked up with this guy, and I was with him for five years, and it was ugly.nn857n00:48:16.480 –> 00:48:17.341nIt was pretty scary.nn858n00:48:17.341 –> 00:48:19.101nAnd he wasn’t the only one who was abusive.nn859n00:48:19.101 –> 00:48:22.421nI got in touch with a little bit of my anger at about seven years.nn860n00:48:22.421 –> 00:48:25.760nAnd, uh, women are always taught not to be angry and not do that.nn861n00:48:25.760 –> 00:48:27.901nWe are seething cauldrons of violence.nn862n00:48:27.901 –> 00:48:31.121nUm, all right.nn863n00:48:31.121 –> 00:48:37.621nWe’re, “Oh, we’re so sweet, and we’re so polite.” And it’s like, you know, I’ll wrap you up in the bed sheet and beat you to death with a baseball bat in a heartbeat.nn864n00:48:37.621 –> 00:48:44.041nUh, a woman was acquitted of murder because of PMS, okay, in England.nn865n00:48:44.041 –> 00:48:50.501nAnd I remember when I heard that, I’m like, “Yes, I’m home free.” And, uh, and that’s in sobriety.nn866n00:48:50.501 –> 00:48:57.841nBut I have no place to hide from these feelings, and my anger was so well-hidden that it stayed away for, like, six years, seven years.nn867n00:48:57.841 –> 00:49:01.241nAnd when it came out, baby, I’m gonna tell you what, stuff started flying.nn868n00:49:01.241 –> 00:49:04.461nI owned my house, and I started throwing stuff.nn869n00:49:04.461 –> 00:49:06.401nI mean, I threw anything I could get my hands on.nn870n00:49:06.401 –> 00:49:11.261nAnd this guy had a big fish tank there, and I remember once I picked up a big leaded crystal candle holder.nn871n00:49:11.261 –> 00:49:13.561nI picked that baby up behind my arm.nn872n00:49:13.561 –> 00:49:19.281nAnd I remember him looking at the fish tank and thinking about it and then covering his head instead.nn873n00:49:19.281 –> 00:49:26.481nSo he decided- But it was a wild relationship.nn874n00:49:26.481 –> 00:49:27.061nIt was frightening.nn875n00:49:27.061 –> 00:49:30.201nAnd I got hurt physically, and I would write inventory about it.nn876n00:49:30.201 –> 00:49:32.621nSee, I like to talk about practical application sobriety.nn877n00:49:32.621 –> 00:49:35.321nI’d write inventory, and I would take it to my sponsor.nn878n00:49:35.321 –> 00:49:36.321nAnd he would listen.nn879n00:49:36.321 –> 00:49:39.561nAnd I’d write some more inventory and take it to my sponsor, and he’d listen.nn880n00:49:39.561 –> 00:49:51.101nAnd one day I took him some inventory, and he said, “Aren’t you sick about writing about this?” And I looked at him, he said, ” ‘Cause I’m really sick of listening to it.” And in my mind, I thought, “Well, that’s your damn job.” Right?nn881n00:49:51.101 –> 00:49:52.461nTo listen to my inventory.nn882n00:49:52.461 –> 00:49:54.021nAnd then I got it.nn883n00:49:54.021 –> 00:49:55.421nSee, I wasn’t being healed.nn884n00:49:55.421 –> 00:49:57.201nIt wasn’t gone.nn885n00:49:57.201 –> 00:50:00.021nAnd I wanted out of that relationship, and I couldn’t figure out how I couldn’t leave.nn886n00:50:00.021 –> 00:50:04.981nI couldn’t figure out why I continued to put myself in a place of harm and why I couldn’t get out of it.nn887n00:50:04.981 –> 00:50:12.241nAnd then one day, I’m driving down the street and– driving down the freeway, and I remember I’m coming up on University Boulevard North, ’cause there’s a loop.nn888n00:50:12.241 –> 00:50:18.221nSee, I had a spiritual experience, and that’s how I know that that’s when it happened.nn889n00:50:18.221 –> 00:50:20.821nAnd I was praying to God ’cause I knew my life was at stake.nn890n00:50:20.821 –> 00:50:25.521nAnd I’m going around the country giving talks, okay, and going home to this crazy household.nn891n00:50:25.521 –> 00:50:34.321nAnd, um, sponsoring people and acting spiritual and, you know, trying to be normal and, and, uh, and it’s violent.nn892n00:50:34.321 –> 00:50:39.281nAnd I’m thinking, “How do you tell people that that’s what’s going on here?” You know, we don’t talk about that in AA.nn893n00:50:39.281 –> 00:50:42.681nPeople don’t talk about that stuff, you know.nn894n00:50:42.681 –> 00:50:46.941nAnd, uh, I’m driving up this ramp, and I’m begging God, “What do I do?nn895n00:50:46.941 –> 00:50:49.201nHow do I get out of this?nn896n00:50:49.201 –> 00:50:53.171nWhy, why can’t I leave?” And I heard the voice, and the voice said-nn897n00:50:53.284 –> 00:50:54.464n’Cause you’re beyond human aid.nn898n00:50:54.464 –> 00:50:59.464nI did not have the power to leave, and I got it.nn899n00:50:59.464 –> 00:51:04.704nAnd I went home and I wr- wrote inventory like my heart depended on it, my life depended on it, because it did.nn900n00:51:04.704 –> 00:51:09.394nAnd I knew then that I needed a new attitude and a new relationship with my Creator.nn901n00:51:09.394 –> 00:51:10.864n’Cause of my own power, I couldn’t leave.nn902n00:51:10.864 –> 00:51:17.444nAnd I went home and I wrote that, and I took it to my sponsor, and he listened ’cause he knew that there was a difference.nn903n00:51:17.444 –> 00:51:22.804nWe can work steps to try to manage our lives, or we can work steps to have an experience with the Creator.nn904n00:51:22.804 –> 00:51:29.964nSee, people get stuck in the steps thinking, “Oh, I’m doing all this work, I’m doing all this work.” Well, don’t bother if– depending on what your motives are.nn905n00:51:29.964 –> 00:51:34.464n’Cause it’s not to manage our lives, to fix our relationships, to bring us money or anything.nn906n00:51:34.464 –> 00:51:39.244nSo I fifth stepped this stuff with him, and within about 60 days, that relationship was over.nn907n00:51:39.244 –> 00:51:40.144nThere was no arguing.nn908n00:51:40.144 –> 00:51:40.744nThere was nothing.nn909n00:51:40.744 –> 00:51:41.944nIt was done.nn910n00:51:41.944 –> 00:51:46.403n’Cause I knew that my priorities were out of whack, and I knew that I had moved God out of my life.nn911n00:51:46.403 –> 00:51:55.124nAnd because I know that the steps give me that new attitude and new relationship that it talks about in the fifth step that’s critical, that’s what I got, and I got the power to go.nn912n00:51:55.124 –> 00:52:02.704nMay sound like a crazy story, but I know there are people out there right now that are living in relationships they don’t wanna talk to people about, and we do things that we don’t wanna hear about.nn913n00:52:02.704 –> 00:52:03.644nYou know?nn914n00:52:03.644 –> 00:52:12.224nAnd you’re sitting there thinking, you know, “If I told somebody this, um, they’d think I was crazy,” or, “People in AA don’t do that ’cause they just act like, you know, they get sober and then everything’s great.nn915n00:52:12.224 –> 00:52:19.664nSo I must be doing something wrong.” See, I find it amusing, to some degree it’s a spiritual meeting.nn916n00:52:19.664 –> 00:52:23.444nBecause you see, we don’t have spiritual parts in our lives.nn917n00:52:23.444 –> 00:52:26.484nWe have adopted a spiritual way of living.nn918n00:52:26.484 –> 00:52:33.624nIt’s not like there’s a spiritual part, and we go to meetings, and we go home and beat our husband or with a baseball bat, you know?nn919n00:52:33.624 –> 00:52:35.804nOr get on the freeway.nn920n00:52:35.804 –> 00:52:37.764nYou wanna gauge your spiritual wellbeing?nn921n00:52:37.764 –> 00:52:39.684nOh, baby.nn922n00:52:39.684 –> 00:52:41.024nNo offense.nn923n00:52:41.024 –> 00:52:45.594nThose Californians on Colorado roads, I gotta tell you, we’re ready to kill ’em.nn924n00:52:45.594 –> 00:52:47.404nYou know?nn925n00:52:47.404 –> 00:52:58.184nI saw a bumper sticker the other day that says, “Please go back to California and take a Texan with you when you go.” Sonn926n00:52:58.184 –> 00:52:59.304nwe’re having growing pains.nn927n00:52:59.304 –> 00:53:02.084nYou know, people shoot each other on the freeway, right?nn928n00:53:02.084 –> 00:53:03.264nWe got that stuff going on.nn929n00:53:03.264 –> 00:53:06.124nHow is your mental health on the freeway?nn930n00:53:06.124 –> 00:53:10.224nThat’s where spiritual practices aren’t about just AA meetings.nn931n00:53:10.224 –> 00:53:10.864nThat’s easy.nn932n00:53:10.864 –> 00:53:17.024nWe listen to the same caca over and over from our friends, you know, how we do this, how we do that, what a great sponsor I am.nn933n00:53:17.024 –> 00:53:17.804nI’m working the steps.nn934n00:53:17.804 –> 00:53:21.644nAnd you get in the car, and you become a lethal weapon, okay?nn935n00:53:21.644 –> 00:53:24.884nI’m talking about practical application.nn936n00:53:24.884 –> 00:53:26.644nThat’s where it is.nn937n00:53:26.644 –> 00:53:27.424nIt’s in our homes.nn938n00:53:27.424 –> 00:53:28.524nIt’s in our workplace.nn939n00:53:28.524 –> 00:53:32.404nI brought up the, the topic of tolerance the other day in a meeting.nn940n00:53:32.404 –> 00:53:34.704nI’ll tell you how it came about.nn941n00:53:34.704 –> 00:53:38.563nUm, it just came to me.nn942n00:53:38.563 –> 00:53:40.244nGod gave me a message about tolerance.nn943n00:53:40.244 –> 00:53:42.104nAnd I thought– I get messages.nn944n00:53:42.104 –> 00:53:43.344nYou should get messages, too.nn945n00:53:43.344 –> 00:53:46.184nDon’t ever tell that to a psychiatrist.nn946n00:53:46.184 –> 00:53:51.104nDon’t do it.nn947n00:53:51.104 –> 00:53:56.064nThe stuff we talk about, they don’t get it.nn948n00:53:56.064 –> 00:53:59.224nAnd, uh, love and tolerance.nn949n00:53:59.224 –> 00:54:10.084nAnd so I was talking to my ex about it, and at first, he went, “Well, that’s a really dumb topic.” I was like, “Well, thanks for your support, big boy.” And, um, and then he went, “God, what a great topic, ’cause I never hear it in meetings.” Sonn950n00:54:10.084 –> 00:54:16.324nI said, “Well, I know a couple places where it’s there, love and tolerance of others, et cetera.” And I said, “Where is it exactly in the book?” Being the book queen.nn951n00:54:16.324 –> 00:54:20.874nAnd then he had one of those study guidebooks, you know, that have the index in the back.nn952n00:54:20.874 –> 00:54:26.484nAnd, and I thought, “Let’s look it up.” So I thought, “Let’s look up love.” Well, there were far too many entries for love.nn953n00:54:26.484 –> 00:54:27.724nThat would’ve taken too long.nn954n00:54:27.724 –> 00:54:33.804nSo I went to tolerance, and there were ten entries for tolerance in the first hundred and thirty-one pages.nn955n00:54:33.804 –> 00:54:41.164nAnd when I looked it up in the dictionary, see, I thought it had to do with putting up with you people, okay?nn956n00:54:41.164 –> 00:54:42.704nEndurance.nn957n00:54:42.704 –> 00:54:46.424nI’m like the long haul endurer putting up with the world, okay?nn958n00:54:46.424 –> 00:54:50.104nAnd, and I thought I was noble doing it.nn959n00:54:50.104 –> 00:54:58.904nTolerance is the capacity to allow others to have their own experience.nn960n00:54:58.904 –> 00:55:00.424nThat’s what it is.nn961n00:55:00.424 –> 00:55:00.764nLook it up.nn962n00:55:00.764 –> 00:55:02.444nIt’s a great definition, the first definition.nn963n00:55:02.444 –> 00:55:03.563nSo I cheered on it at the meeting.nn964n00:55:03.563 –> 00:55:07.384nYou would’ve thought that I said your next spouse ought to be a donkey.nn965n00:55:07.384 –> 00:55:08.524nOkay?nn966n00:55:08.524 –> 00:55:11.984nI mean, it really got people going.nn967n00:55:11.984 –> 00:55:13.564nOkay?nn968n00:55:13.564 –> 00:55:16.524nAnd so I’m into and thinking about this spiritual meeting and this sort of stuff.nn969n00:55:16.524 –> 00:55:17.884nI’m into tolerance these days.nn970n00:55:17.884 –> 00:55:24.304nSee, I’m a big book-thumping queen, and the last inventory I went through had to do with me being the AA police.nn971n00:55:24.304 –> 00:55:27.564nI am the AA police, and I carry a very big stick.nn972n00:55:27.564 –> 00:55:32.604nAnd if you’re not an alcoholic, I think you’re taking up space in the meeting, and you need to get out, okay?nn973n00:55:32.604 –> 00:55:37.644nSo I get all freaked out if I got alcoholics in the meeting– or non-alcoholics in an AA meeting, okay?nn974n00:55:37.644 –> 00:55:41.004nAnd I don’t want you talking to an alcoholic ’cause I think he can kill him, see?nn975n00:55:41.004 –> 00:55:42.664n’Cause there’s no God gonna take care of it.nn976n00:55:42.664 –> 00:55:45.204nAnd, um, so I’m the AA police.nn977n00:55:45.204 –> 00:55:48.664nAnd if you’re not working the steps right, I’m gonna let you know that, too.nn978n00:55:48.664 –> 00:55:53.064nAnd I will visit with other people a- as to whether or not you are an alcoholic.nn979n00:55:53.064 –> 00:55:54.244nHow do you like that?nn980n00:55:54.244 –> 00:55:58.284nI am a wonderful, non-judgmental, tolerant kind of human being.nn981n00:55:58.284 –> 00:56:02.204nI got this thing.nn982n00:56:02.204 –> 00:56:05.484nI’m, I’m worried alcohol– non-alcoholics, I mean, they could kill us.nn983n00:56:05.484 –> 00:56:06.164nYou know?nn984n00:56:06.164 –> 00:56:11.804nSo I do this inventory, and I’m reading it to my sponsor, and oh, I’m so embarrassed.nn985n00:56:11.804 –> 00:56:12.744nI mean, isn’t it horrible?nn986n00:56:12.744 –> 00:56:15.244n’Cause I so respect this person.nn987n00:56:15.244 –> 00:56:24.244nAnd I look up and go, “Oh, man, isn’t this disgusting?” And he goes, “Yeah.” He said, he said, “Do you wanna know what it is?” And I said, “What?” He said, “It’s arrogant.nn988n00:56:24.244 –> 00:56:28.184nYou’re arrogant.” I mean, he– it’s– they’re never nice to me.nn989n00:56:28.184 –> 00:56:28.584nI need it.nn990n00:56:28.584 –> 00:56:30.144nArrogance.nn991n00:56:30.144 –> 00:56:32.064nSo I’m learning about tolerance.nn992n00:56:32.064 –> 00:56:34.064nAnd the truth is, it’s really none of my business what you are.nn993n00:56:34.064 –> 00:56:39.544nAnd it’s only my business to explain to you how to write inventory if you’ve asked me to take you through the steps.nn994n00:56:39.544 –> 00:56:40.744nYou know what I mean?nn995n00:56:40.744 –> 00:56:49.414nI don’t need to look at you in a meeting and go, “Boy, you are a bonehead, and if you don’t do it the way I think I’d do it, you’re gonna get drunk.” Don’t you love people who come up to you and say, “You’re gonna get drunk”?nn996n00:56:49.414 –> 00:56:50.274nWell, how do you know that?nn997n00:56:50.274 –> 00:56:52.144nYou know?nn998n00:56:52.144 –> 00:56:55.612nI also got very, very sick.nn999n00:56:55.612 –> 00:56:56.372nI gotta tell you this.nn1000n00:56:56.372 –> 00:56:57.452nI may go over a couple minutes.nn1001n00:56:57.452 –> 00:57:01.632nUm, at 15 years of sobriety, I had it going on.nn1002n00:57:01.632 –> 00:57:03.172nI bought a house when I was six years sober.nn1003n00:57:03.172 –> 00:57:04.932nI’ve always had very high-paying jobs.nn1004n00:57:04.932 –> 00:57:06.232nI made good money.nn1005n00:57:06.232 –> 00:57:06.932nI did.nn1006n00:57:06.932 –> 00:57:08.232nI don’t make anything now.nn1007n00:57:08.232 –> 00:57:14.152nUm, anyway, which has been what the story’s about, but I just had it going on.nn1008n00:57:14.152 –> 00:57:15.212nI had money in the bank.nn1009n00:57:15.212 –> 00:57:16.232nI had a pension plan.nn1010n00:57:16.232 –> 00:57:17.912nI had friends that– stayed with me.nn1011n00:57:17.912 –> 00:57:19.032nI put on big parties.nn1012n00:57:19.032 –> 00:57:19.972nI took good care of people.nn1013n00:57:19.972 –> 00:57:22.752nI sponsored like a demon, traveled around the country.nn1014n00:57:22.752 –> 00:57:26.292nI was God’s soldier, and it was showing, right?nn1015n00:57:26.292 –> 00:57:29.852nAnd all of a sudden, one day, I woke up, and I had this lump in my breast.nn1016n00:57:29.852 –> 00:57:33.432nIt was about the size of a grape, which on my breast, you notice.nn1017n00:57:33.432 –> 00:57:40.892nAnd so…nn1018n00:57:40.892 –> 00:57:42.331nCan you believe I just said that?nn1019n00:57:42.331 –> 00:57:48.072nI never tell a lie.nn1020n00:57:48.072 –> 00:57:48.772nSo anyway.nn1021n00:57:48.772 –> 00:57:52.052nSo I had a little breast cancer scare.nn1022n00:57:52.052 –> 00:57:52.932nI came through that.nn1023n00:57:52.932 –> 00:57:53.412nYou know what I mean?nn1024n00:57:53.412 –> 00:57:54.752nAnd I don’t believe in surgery and stuff.nn1025n00:57:54.752 –> 00:57:56.432nI’ve got these weird ideas.nn1026n00:57:56.432 –> 00:57:58.542nBut anyway, um, so I came through.nn1027n00:57:58.542 –> 00:57:59.852nThat was a terrifying experience.nn1028n00:57:59.852 –> 00:58:01.012nThen I get pregnant.nn1029n00:58:01.012 –> 00:58:04.472nI’m forty-five years old, which was like a miracle from the Creator, you know, at forty-five.nn1030n00:58:04.472 –> 00:58:05.572nI did it the regular way.nn1031n00:58:05.572 –> 00:58:07.232nIt wasn’t artificial insemination, you know?nn1032n00:58:07.232 –> 00:58:11.792nSo I– So the doctor was, like, really excited, like, “Wow, she did it the regular way.nn1033n00:58:11.792 –> 00:58:12.592nShe’s forty-five.nn1034n00:58:12.592 –> 00:58:15.452nThis is a good thing.” And, um, I was healthy.nn1035n00:58:15.452 –> 00:58:19.152nEverything was great, and then one day I went in for a, an ultrasound.nn1036n00:58:19.152 –> 00:58:22.992nI had the, the father with me and, um, there was no heartbeat.nn1037n00:58:22.992 –> 00:58:25.562nAnd I just passed a bunch of tests.nn1038n00:58:25.562 –> 00:58:28.682nAnd they’re all sitting there staring at the machine, and they wouldn’t look at me, right?nn1039n00:58:28.682 –> 00:58:34.142nAnd I’m like, “What are you doing?” And they’re just looking, and they’re looking at each other, you know, and they didn’t wanna tell me.nn1040n00:58:34.142 –> 00:58:36.652nI said, “You better get straight with me, girl.” You know what I mean?nn1041n00:58:36.652 –> 00:58:37.352nAnd so they told me.nn1042n00:58:37.352 –> 00:58:38.012nThere was no heartbeat.nn1043n00:58:38.012 –> 00:58:39.042nI’d, I’d lost the baby.nn1044n00:58:39.042 –> 00:58:43.312nAnd I don’t have any children, and I wanted that baby more than anything else in the whole world.nn1045n00:58:43.312 –> 00:58:49.032nAnd one of the reasons I wanted it was I thought it was a payoff for fifteen years of good behavior in this horrible place, okay?nn1046n00:58:49.032 –> 00:58:51.572nNot that it was always horrible, but you know what I mean.nn1047n00:58:51.572 –> 00:58:55.552nThose of us that are out there doing the trudge and doing the deal, sometimes it is not fun.nn1048n00:58:55.552 –> 00:59:01.712nAnd I thought I got the big payoff for being such a good girl, and then it was gone in a nanosecond.nn1049n00:59:01.712 –> 00:59:07.392nNext thing that happened was all these conventions, I was a convention planner, I had on the books canceled.nn1050n00:59:07.392 –> 00:59:09.752nMy entire salary for the year was gone.nn1051n00:59:09.752 –> 00:59:15.652nAnd all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I lost the ability to earn a living.nn1052n00:59:15.652 –> 00:59:19.332nIt was remar– I couldn’t make a dime if my life depended on it.nn1053n00:59:19.332 –> 00:59:23.992nAnd I came from years, since the age of eighteen, everything I touched turned to gold.nn1054n00:59:23.992 –> 00:59:33.992nAnd I started thinking, “Boy, you cannot be very spiritual if this is what’s happening to you.” And I started hearing this really weird voice in my head saying things like, “What did you expect?nn1055n00:59:33.992 –> 00:59:44.012nHow did you think life was gonna turn out?” And I’m thinking, “That’s the voice of the God I had at fifteen years.” “This happens to people like you.nn1056n00:59:44.012 –> 00:59:46.432nYou expected something better?” This is in my head.nn1057n00:59:46.432 –> 00:59:51.632nAnd I went, “Uh-oh, I’m in deep trouble.” And I’m watching my life spin out of control.nn1058n00:59:51.632 –> 00:59:53.912nI s-spent investments so I could pay off my debt.nn1059n00:59:53.912 –> 00:59:59.112nNext thing I know, I’m spending some more and– ’cause I keep thinking I’m gonna pull a rabbit out of a hat.nn1060n00:59:59.112 –> 01:00:00.272nIt’s gonna work, you know?nn1061n01:00:00.272 –> 01:00:10.282nAnd, and I had to live, and next thing I know, I gotta sell my house that I was so proud of so I could pay off some more debt and continue to support myself, because no matter what I touched,nn1062n01:00:10.282 –> 01:00:11.552nit turned to garbage.nn1063n01:00:11.552 –> 01:00:14.572nAnd I remember how angry I was at God.nn1064n01:00:14.572 –> 01:00:17.592nI said, “I have been one of your biggest warriors.nn1065n01:00:17.592 –> 01:00:20.052nHow dare you treat me this way?nn1066n01:00:20.052 –> 01:00:22.132nWhat is your problem?nn1067n01:00:22.132 –> 01:00:25.292nWhy did I even bother?” And I did.nn1068n01:00:25.292 –> 01:00:31.352nAnd all these nice things I thought I’d just done for people out of kindness in my heart, I had them on a list in my head.nn1069n01:00:31.352 –> 01:00:34.812n”Uh, don’t you remember I lent that guy five hundred bucks, and I took so-and-so in?nn1070n01:00:34.812 –> 01:00:38.722nAnd what about the time I did this and that?” I’m, like, bargaining with the Creator, right?nn1071n01:00:38.722 –> 01:00:39.912nTo change my life.nn1072n01:00:39.912 –> 01:00:41.752nAnd I’m angry.nn1073n01:00:41.752 –> 01:00:50.712nAnd then I got it, that the God I had in my life at that moment was not sufficient to the task to help me in that strange mental blank spot.nn1074n01:00:50.712 –> 01:01:00.762nAnd I found out that that voice was the voice of my father and not God, and I’d been writing inventory on my dad for fifteen years and couldn’tnn1075n01:01:00.762 –> 01:01:01.432nget rid of him.nn1076n01:01:01.432 –> 01:01:03.612nSo I went through the steps again.nn1077n01:01:03.612 –> 01:01:06.832nI did not go through the steps to cure my financial situation.nn1078n01:01:06.832 –> 01:01:11.851nI did not go through the steps to get pregnant or to clear up the breast stuff.nn1079n01:01:11.851 –> 01:01:21.942nI knew that my relationship with God was suffering because I’d been hanging out here enough and working steps enough and had enough experiences here to know that that was the truth, and I needed a new God or I wasn’tnn1080n01:01:21.942 –> 01:01:22.492ngonna make it.nn1081n01:01:22.492 –> 01:01:27.392nSo I went through the steps to get that new attitude and new relationship with the Creator, and I got it.nn1082n01:01:27.392 –> 01:01:30.952nAnd it’s taken me five or six years to start coming through this stuff, you guys.nn1083n01:01:30.952 –> 01:01:33.232nAnd it was very ugly.nn1084n01:01:33.232 –> 01:01:34.092nI lost everything.nn1085n01:01:34.092 –> 01:01:39.572nI live in a garden level, which is downstairs, two-bedroom apartment, old apartment.nn1086n01:01:39.572 –> 01:01:41.772nI drive an ’87 VW Fox today.nn1087n01:01:41.772 –> 01:01:46.172nAnd I used to be able to just write a check for anything.nn1088n01:01:46.172 –> 01:01:49.872nThat may sound horrible to you, but it’s not.nn1089n01:01:49.872 –> 01:01:52.212nWhile I was in it, I was suicidal.nn1090n01:01:52.212 –> 01:01:53.572nI wanted to slit my wrists.nn1091n01:01:53.572 –> 01:01:56.852nAnd what I found out was all this faith that I thought I had in God, I didn’t.nn1092n01:01:56.852 –> 01:01:59.132nI had faith in money, property, and prestige.nn1093n01:01:59.132 –> 01:02:01.352nI had faith in the equity in my house.nn1094n01:02:01.352 –> 01:02:02.792nI had faith in my IRA.nn1095n01:02:02.792 –> 01:02:09.752nI had faith in my ability to earn a living no matter what was going on, and I didn’t know it.nn1096n01:02:09.752 –> 01:02:11.852nYou know what I got today?nn1097n01:02:11.852 –> 01:02:13.732nYou know what God– what I got through all this?nn1098n01:02:13.732 –> 01:02:15.192nI’m not saying God did it to me.nn1099n01:02:15.192 –> 01:02:16.292nKnock that off, okay?nn1100n01:02:16.292 –> 01:02:22.372nBut what happened was, by this process, I got a center, and the center is mine.nn1101n01:02:22.372 –> 01:02:25.172nIt’s God, no matter what’s going on.nn1102n01:02:25.172 –> 01:02:28.492nNow, if you haven’t had some of those experiences here, you’re missing out.nn1103n01:02:28.492 –> 01:02:33.712nThe power of this program is so phenomenal of what’s available.nn1104n01:02:33.712 –> 01:02:36.772nDoes it promise us riches and goods and…nn1105n01:02:36.772 –> 01:02:37.372nUh, no.nn1106n01:02:37.372 –> 01:02:38.792nYou know what it promises me?nn1107n01:02:38.792 –> 01:02:42.652nI went through stuff that would make your hair stand on end, and I didn’t take a drink.nn1108n01:02:42.652 –> 01:02:44.872nI did not drink alcohol.nn1109n01:02:44.872 –> 01:02:54.072nI didn’t think about drinking alcohol except that time I wanted to go to the college bar, and they said, “Go ahead.” And I thought, “Well, that’s not a good idea.” You know?nn1110n01:02:54.072 –> 01:02:57.252nBut I’ve got a– I truly have a relationship with my Creator.nn1111n01:02:57.252 –> 01:03:01.240nAnd all that stuff had to get out of the way, and I’m actually grateful for it.nn1112n01:03:01.240 –> 01:03:02.480nMy priorities are in order.nn1113n01:03:02.480 –> 01:03:03.279nI feel pretty good.nn1114n01:03:03.279 –> 01:03:09.380nI own a business, and it was a little bit better this holiday season, and I’m gaining, but I have this sense that everything’s going to be okay.nn1115n01:03:09.380 –> 01:03:10.640nI never had that.nn1116n01:03:10.640 –> 01:03:13.560nI had to have more and more and more and more in sobriety.nn1117n01:03:13.560 –> 01:03:15.300nWhy do we work steps over and over?nn1118n01:03:15.300 –> 01:03:18.740nIt’s because usually we come in here with nothing, all right?nn1119n01:03:18.740 –> 01:03:21.220nSo it’s easy to surrender, right?nn1120n01:03:21.220 –> 01:03:22.640nLet’s surrender.nn1121n01:03:22.640 –> 01:03:26.920nAha, my paper bag and a toothbrush, right?nn1122n01:03:26.920 –> 01:03:28.780nMy bus pass.nn1123n01:03:28.780 –> 01:03:37.280nBut you get some time in here, and you start collecting stuff, lovers, money, this, that, whatever, a house.nn1124n01:03:37.280 –> 01:03:41.880nTalk about turning it all into the creator of light who presides over us all.nn1125n01:03:41.880 –> 01:03:43.300nYou’re talking about a different ballgame.nn1126n01:03:43.300 –> 01:03:49.500nSo the spiritual meeting says we practice these principles in all of our affairs, these spiritual principles.nn1127n01:03:49.500 –> 01:03:50.540nWhat are spiritual principles?nn1128n01:03:50.540 –> 01:03:53.800nI used to think, oh, they mean we write inventory a lot.nn1129n01:03:53.800 –> 01:04:03.820nSpiritual principles, concepts, gratitude, joy, chastity, unselfishness, love,nn1130n01:04:03.820 –> 01:04:05.920nkindness, charity.nn1131n01:04:05.920 –> 01:04:08.060nThe list is endless, isn’t it?nn1132n01:04:08.060 –> 01:04:10.180nIntegrity.nn1133n01:04:10.180 –> 01:04:13.120nI learned some new words here that I didn’t have before.nn1134n01:04:13.120 –> 01:04:17.580nThose are spiritual principles, and I believe this too, that we talk about gratitude.nn1135n01:04:17.580 –> 01:04:21.530nYou go to a gratitude meeting, and you think you’re supposed to have that warm, snuggly feeling, and you don’t.nn1136n01:04:21.530 –> 01:04:24.540nI used to hate gratitude meetings when I was in that place.nn1137n01:04:24.540 –> 01:04:26.520nLet’s talk about gratitude.nn1138n01:04:26.520 –> 01:04:28.780nI’m like, well, how about I hit you in the head with a book?nn1139n01:04:28.780 –> 01:04:36.260nI’m just so grateful, you know, and I’m thinking, I don’t know how I’m going to eat tomorrow.nn1140n01:04:36.260 –> 01:04:37.200nWhat do you mean you’re grateful?nn1141n01:04:37.200 –> 01:04:41.340nAnd but see, I believe this is an action program.nn1142n01:04:41.340 –> 01:04:43.840nI believe gratitude is an action word.nn1143n01:04:43.840 –> 01:04:46.300nWe show our gratitude.nn1144n01:04:46.300 –> 01:04:48.420nYou think you want to sit around and feel warm and snuggly?nn1145n01:04:48.420 –> 01:04:50.540nWell, go home and feel warm and snuggly.nn1146n01:04:50.540 –> 01:04:51.500nThat’s not how mine works.nn1147n01:04:51.500 –> 01:05:01.580nMy gratitude shows when I get up, even when I don’t feel good, and go do something in the middle of my stuff, because that’s what I’m taught to do here, because we carry the message that way.nn1148n01:05:01.580 –> 01:05:07.680nBecause if I fail to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, I’m not going to survive the tough times ahead.nn1149n01:05:07.680 –> 01:05:09.320nLove is not a feeling.nn1150n01:05:09.320 –> 01:05:13.749nSo when that feeling that we think is love goes away, I get a divorce, right?nn1151n01:05:13.749 –> 01:05:15.760nLove is an action word.nn1152n01:05:15.760 –> 01:05:17.760nLove is how we treat people.nn1153n01:05:17.760 –> 01:05:19.920nFaith is not a feeling.nn1154n01:05:19.920 –> 01:05:23.920nIf I sit around and wait for faith to come, you know, I don’t get out the door.nn1155n01:05:23.920 –> 01:05:27.680nI won’t go on a sales call if I’m waiting for faith to come.nn1156n01:05:27.680 –> 01:05:29.540nFaith is action.nn1157n01:05:29.540 –> 01:05:31.860nFaith is stepping out and doing it anyway.nn1158n01:05:31.860 –> 01:05:33.240nIt’s the do it anyway word.nn1159n01:05:33.240 –> 01:05:34.860nAnd I believe that.nn1160n01:05:34.860 –> 01:05:36.960nYou know, people want to sit around and feel good.nn1161n01:05:36.960 –> 01:05:39.580nI think we need to work our butts off instead.nn1162n01:05:39.580 –> 01:05:43.580nYou know, because I’ve been a self-centered, my disease is self.nn1163n01:05:43.580 –> 01:05:47.320nMy disease is me thinking I’m the most important thing in the whole world.nn1164n01:05:47.320 –> 01:05:55.880nWe’re as close to a bunch of narcissistic listed people in the, what’s that, MSD 528 or whatever those psychiatrists have.nn1165n01:05:55.880 –> 01:05:57.040nYou know what I mean?nn1166n01:05:57.040 –> 01:05:59.240nThey look at us coming on and they’re like, yes.nn1167n01:05:59.240 –> 01:06:01.840nYou know, because all I think about is me.nn1168n01:06:01.840 –> 01:06:05.280nWhen I think about somebody else, I’ve had a spiritual experience.nn1169n01:06:05.280 –> 01:06:07.980nSeriously.nn1170n01:06:07.980 –> 01:06:16.120nThat’s why the book says over and over and over, the constant thought of others has got to be our guiding force.nn1171n01:06:16.120 –> 01:06:22.100nIf you’ve not had the experience of thinking of someone else in the middle of your stuff and your stuff going away, you have missed out.nn1172n01:06:22.100 –> 01:06:25.680nYou don’t know what’s available here.nn1173n01:06:25.680 –> 01:06:30.300nWell, I’m not going to tell my corn story because you guys are from Kansas.nn1174n01:06:30.300 –> 01:06:35.720nAnd we’re over the hour, but it’s like I have a good life today.nn1175n01:06:35.720 –> 01:06:36.940nIt’s a different life today.nn1176n01:06:36.940 –> 01:06:37.760nI’m sober today.nn1177n01:06:37.760 –> 01:06:40.820nMy sobriety date is May 3rd of 1981.nn1178n01:06:40.820 –> 01:06:42.340nI’m grateful for every moment of it.nn1179n01:06:42.340 –> 01:06:43.100nSome of it’s tough.nn1180n01:06:43.100 –> 01:06:48.100nAnd I guess my point here is if you’re having a tough time in sobriety, you better go tell somebody because it can kill you.nn1181n01:06:48.100 –> 01:06:55.400nAnd if you have a sponsor that you cannot tell your take it to the grave stuff to, you get rid of them today and get another one.nn1182n01:06:55.400 –> 01:06:59.000nBecause our lives depend on, and I believe that.nn1183n01:06:59.000 –> 01:07:05.520nAnd if the sponsor gets offended, then you needed to change sponsors.nn1184n01:07:05.520 –> 01:07:08.120nSee, I don’t get offended when people fire me.nn1185n01:07:08.120 –> 01:07:08.880nI’m like, great.nn1186n01:07:08.880 –> 01:07:11.180nIt just gives me more free time for Oreos, okay?nn1187n01:07:11.180 –> 01:07:15.499nAnd so, you know, I’m into vanilla chocolate chip ice cream.nn1188n01:07:15.499 –> 01:07:19.840nBut is that a scream?nn1189n01:07:19.840 –> 01:07:21.620nI’ve just loved being here.nn1190n01:07:21.620 –> 01:07:25.540nAnd your courtesy and hospitality is par none.nn1191n01:07:25.540 –> 01:07:26.200nI mean that.nn1192n01:07:26.200 –> 01:07:27.460nI travel a little bit.nn1193n01:07:27.460 –> 01:07:28.920nI’m not like a circuit speaker thing.nn1194n01:07:28.920 –> 01:07:33.260nBut I travel, and you all are as gracious and kind a group as I’ve been with.nn1195n01:07:33.260 –> 01:07:36.680nAnd I thank you, and God bless each and every one of you on your journey.nn”;

function parseTimestamp(timeStr) {
const parts = timeStr.split(“:”);
let hrs = 0, mins = 0, secs = 0;
if (parts.length === 3) {
hrs = parseFloat(parts[0]);
mins = parseFloat(parts[1]);
secs = parseFloat(parts[2]);
} else {
mins = parseFloat(parts[0]);
secs = parseFloat(parts[1]);
}
return hrs * 3600 + mins * 60 + secs;
}

const lines = vttText.split(“n”);
const cues = [];
let currentCue = null;

for (let i = 0; i “)) {
const parts = line.split(“–>”);
const start = parseTimestamp(parts[0].trim());
const end = parseTimestamp(parts[1].trim());
currentCue = { start, end, text: “”, timestampStr: parts[0].trim().split(“.”)[0] };
} else if (currentCue && line !== “”) {
if (currentCue.text !== “”) currentCue.text += ” “;
currentCue.text += line;
} else if (currentCue && line === “”) {
cues.push(currentCue);
currentCue = null;
}
}
if (currentCue) cues.push(currentCue);

cues.forEach((cue, index) => {
const div = document.createElement(“div”);
div.className = “codex-caption-line”;
div.dataset.start = cue.start;
div.dataset.end = cue.end;

div.innerHTML = `
${cue.timestampStr}
${cue.text}
`;

div.addEventListener(“click”, function() {
audio.currentTime = cue.start;
audio.play();
});

container.appendChild(div);
});

audio.addEventListener(“timeupdate”, function() {
const time = audio.currentTime;
const elements = container.getElementsByClassName(“codex-caption-line”);
let activeElement = null;

for (let i = 0; i = start && time <= end) {
el.classList.add("active");
activeElement = el;
} else {
el.classList.remove("active");
}
}

if (activeElement) {
const containerRect = container.getBoundingClientRect();
const elRect = activeElement.getBoundingClientRect();

if (elRect.top containerRect.bottom) {
container.scrollTo({
top: activeElement.offsetTop – container.offsetTop – containerRect.height / 2 + elRect.height / 2,
behavior: “smooth”
});
}
}
});
});