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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 849 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mickey-b-powerlessness-workshop-ca-1994-archive-849.mp3 Duration: 01:29:14
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Thank you, thank you. Hi everybody, my name's Mickey and I'm an addict. And I got a little disclaimer here which is, I'll read because I've been asked to, but then I'll, then I'll amend it. This is not a meeting of Cocaine Anonymous. The opinions expressed in this workshop are those of the speaker and are not necessarily of Cocaine Anonymous as a whole. Okay, that's the little disclaimer here. But you know what?
I make an absolute effort to not give you opinions. I won't be giving you opinions. To my absolute ability, I will not be giving you opinions here today. There are such things that, that kind of borderline that, and that are, are there for the finger pointer, such as I refer to this book, this book, Alcoholics Anonymous, this beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I love this book. Anybody read this book, by the way? It's a good idea, you know.
I think this is a beautiful book. That's an opinion. You may not think it's a beautiful book, but I do. That's an opinion. But the beautiful book doesn't talk about opinion, strength, and hope. It talks and expressively determines we share our experience, strength, and hope. So when this says my opinion, I don't want to give you opinion. I want to only give you my experience. You see, and there's a distinct difference. And I am a mesticular for lip flapping, party line bullshit. I do not like lip flapping, party line bullshit.
I had a speaker very recently, very recently, say that if it's not in the big book, it don't count. If it's not part of our literature, he doesn't repeat it, etc., etc., etc. I want to qualify that as far as I'm concerned. And that is, I didn't get to CA. Well, I was one of the early members of CA a little over 10 years ago. And the big book was last, the last edition was in 1976. I wasn't around then. Neither were you.
Now, I believe what the big book says, not what people say it says. And in the big book, this book, the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, it says we realize we only know a little. More will be revealed to you and countless others. Now, I wasn't here in 1976, the last time this book got printed, or edited, or revised. So if God, in his wisdom, in his infancy, because he's infinite, has decided to reveal something to me, and maybe you, that he didn't reveal before this book was printed, is that to be discounted?
Cocaine Anonymous, for example, wasn't even here the last time the book got printed. Are we to be discredited because we're not already in the book? I don't believe that. The book says more will be revealed to you and countless others. So we realize we only know a little. So if God has revealed something to me that he didn't reveal to anybody prior to printing the book, am I to be? No, I don't believe that. I believe that we all grow, and we all got something to contribute all the time. And one thing I don't stand up here like a lot of lip-flapping party-line bullshit people do, and say everything you hear from me is strictly my own opinion, you see. One reason I don't do that, well a couple of reasons, but one of them is that newcomers, they hear old farts get up here and say everything they say is strictly their own opinion, then they think their opinion counts as well. And of course we know it don't. You can shove that up your tush, you see. So not only that, but I asked old farts that get up here and claim everything they say is strictly their own opinion, didn't any of that stuff you just talked about really happen? Didn't any of that was it? And they say of course it is, that's my story. And they say well then that isn't an opinion then is it? That's an experience that you experience, not an opinion.
Well you don't know, I don't know what you mean. I'm not expecting to know what you mean. This is a book about experience, strength and hope. Now the doctor's opinion in the front of the book,
[00:05:03]
we love the doctor's opinion and we revere him almost as a saint, simply because his opinion, because he wasn't one of us. He wasn't an alcoholic addict. The rest of us give our experience. And I want to make that clear, you see. I like to express that. If somebody came in here, or when I came on January the 15th 1983, and somebody shoved this book in my face and said this is our authority, I'd have said shove it up your tush. I don't like authority. Besides I've read it 50, 60, 100 times and nowhere in it does it say it's our only authority, you see. So I don't do that. I show you and say you can take that where you like it. So I don't do that. And so I don't run that down your throat either. But I love that beautiful book, you see. I just love the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous. Now this is a workshop about powerlessness. And I don't talk about powerlessness over people, places and things. I'm not interested in that. I know that. Everybody's powerless over people, places and things. They're not alcoholics addicts. The Pope is powerless over people, places and things. Granny Clampett's like powerless over… She certainly can't control Jeff. Have you heard her? You see. We're not talking about people, places and things as alcoholics and addicts. I focus in on alcohol and drugs. Now I'm one of all those people also.
I am an addict. I'm Mickey B. addict. Probably an alcoholic. And I identify that way in Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous as I speak at frequently. Because that's the way we like it done. And that's the way we did it in the beginning. And that's what happens. One alcoholic relates to another. One addict relates to another addict. The cocaine addict. That's what happens. So we like that identification here. When I speak as I often do and have done for many years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I identify as an alcoholic and probably an addict. Because that's the way they like it done. You see. And this whole society developed on one alcoholic relating to another alcoholic. And that's essential. Essential. See when Dr. Bob was visited by Bill Wilson in Akron in May of 1935, I'm really really glad that Bill didn't wait for Dr. Bob to call him.
You see. We don't sit around here. That's why our 12th step says we tried to carry the message. You see. It's not always available. It's not always welcomed. It's not always wanted. But we tried to carry this message. People who say that lip-flatting party-line crap about we don't use the word tried. We either do it or we don't. Well they don't say that in the step. And I like I have often tried to carry this message. And it was refuted as I did myself. I refuted it many many times. So I refer to the powerlessness as it as it's pertinent to alcohol and drugs. And you know what? This is the 12 and 12. I'm sure you've come across this book. It's like a follow-up you might say in certain respects. It was written 15 years after the big book and carries a lot more information that's very helpful. Now when we refer to the 12 and 12 in regards to the very first step on the very first page the very first step in the 12 and 12.
Incidentally look here's my book. Can you see I write and I make notes. The very first step the very first line the very first step in the 12 and 12 it says who cares to admit complete defeat. Practically no one of course. For years it took me years to understand what was being said. Years. Who cares to admit complete defeat. Practically no one of course. And you know what? Practically no one of course and because practically no one of course cares to practically no one of course does. And because practically no one of course cares to practically no one of course does so there's practically no one of course who has so there's practically no one of course to turn to to ask how the hell do I. And you know what? Practically no one of course stays clean and sober.
[00:10:03]
95% of us don't stay clean and sober. 95% my friends. It's an alarming figure. That is practically no one of course. And it says who cares to admit complete defeat. Practically no one of course. So I ain't going to give you no lip-flapping party line shit. I'm going to cut to the chase. See? And you know what? Many of us come in here so damaged in the beginning. So damaged and so sick and so dysfunctional in the beginning. But in the beginning practically anything that's said to us and practically anything we hear almost certainly anything we do other than drink and use is going to be of benefit to us. Practically anything anybody says is going to be better than what we've been doing and believing etc etc. We're so sick and so damaged and so fragile. But you know what? After we stay around here a little while, after we get past that initial period, maybe in our early years, if we don't leave behind that party line bullshit that we hear in the beginning and if we continue to follow that, you know what happens? We don't stick around. We get loaded again. Because you know what? Most of and a lot of the stuff that we're hearing today is not this message. It's those messages. But it's not this message.
It's not like our beautiful 12-step says. Try to carry this message. Oh it's information alright. But you see it's not this message. It's diluted at best or varied along the way. And we say things like well it's all the same. Well it ain't the same. And when we get along the road a piece, if we don't revert to this message, we go out. Because that doesn't work. The lip-flapping party line bullshit doesn't work over the long haul. Yes it's okay maybe in the beginning. Yes it's okay just to start or whatever. But if we don't switch from that to this message, we will use again. Because it doesn't work. See if it did work, we'd all do it too. But it don't.
Oh it may work in the beginning. Maybe somewhere along the line you can grasp something. But over the long haul. And what these steps in this 12-step program does, is it's our way of life. Our way of life. That works for the majority of us over the long haul. Now we all know there's exceptions to the rule. There's exceptions to every rule. But we don't talk about the exceptions to the rule. We talk about what works for the majority of alcoholics and addicts like me.
And presumably like you. Certainly the same as what's described in our book. Alcoholics addicts of our kind. Now if you be of our kind, and maybe you're not. Maybe you're of some other kind. Good luck. You know. But if you be alcoholic addict of our kind, these are the things we did. And so it's this message. It says. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That's path. Not paths. There's no s on the end of that. It's path. And it doesn't matter whether we're hopping along the path, or running along the path, or walking along the path. As long as we're on the path. You see. Following this path. Not those paths. And you hear it all the time.
His program. Her program. Your program. My program. Screw that. It's the program. Not their program. You see. I couldn't do it my way. I had to change from my way. It was not okay for me to be who I was. It is not okay for me to be who I am. It ain't okay. Go and tell those people. I came out of a nut ward for the criminally insane. It was not okay for me to be who I was. I had to change by taking actions. Actions you taught me. And how to work these steps. Because on page 30 of this beautiful book. Alcoholics Anonymous. It says. We learn. We had to fully concede to To our innermost self, we were alcoholics, slash addicts.
This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently maybe, has to be smashed. Not pussyfooted around with, smashed.
[00:15:00]
That's why I don't tell anybody it's okay. You hear it all the time, probably at your own group meetings. People go out and have one of those little slippy-poos. Some of them make it back, usually all shaky and smelly. And people say… OK, It's OK, I Don't Say It's OK, Bloody Well Ain't OK, If You Be Alcoholic Addict Like Me, It Is Not OK To Drink And Use, It Ain't OK, And I Don't Tell You It Is, I Ask You Guys Was It OK? I've Been Up To Some Of You Guys And Said, Was It OK Out There? I Mean How Well Was It Out There? Say, Did It Work For You? Do You Work For Me? Are You Crazy?
It Kicked My Arse, I Used To Be Able To Party For Weeks On End, I Couldn't Even Make It To The Weekend, I Say, Just Checking, Just In Case Anything Has Changed, You Know, Just To Be Sure, I Ain't Never Heard Anybody Say, Oh Yeah, It Was Great Out There, Suck It On The Devil's Dick Was Fabulous Man, In Fact It Was So Good I'll Come Back For You, Never, Not Once Have I Ever Heard That, I've Heard Thousands Say, God No, I Don't Even Know Whether I Can Make It Back, So I Don't Tell You It's OK, And Another Thing I Don't Tell You Is It Gets Better, It Does Not Get Better, It Gets Worse, That Is Lip Flapping Party Line Bullshit, It Does Not Get Better, It Gets Worse, That Is A Lie, Do Not Believe That, It Is A Lie When We Tell People It Gets Better, It Does Not Get Better, It Gets Worse, My Disease Is 11 Years Worse, And I'm Talking About The Disease, The Disease Of Alcoholism, Addiction, I'm Not Talking About My Property, I'm Talking About This Disease, My Disease Is 11 Years Worse, Not Better, It Is A Lie To Say It Gets Better, It Does Not, My Life Has Gotten Better, When I Look Over My Life In Retrospect, I Can Look Over My Life And Say My Life Has Gotten Better Since I Stopped Poisoning My Stupid Self, But My Disease Has Gotten Worse, And So At 11 Years, I Can't Do Less To Stay Clean And Sober Than It Took To Get Clean And Sober, Doesn't Make Any Sense Does It, And Yet Everybody Who Goes Down As One Of Those Slippy Poos, When You Walk Them Through It, Because The Book Says, We Asked Them To Write Down Precisely What Happened, It's In Jim's Story, Anybody Remember Jim's Story, He's The Guy Who Put The Whiskey In The Milk, You Remember Him, Who Remembers Jim, Right, J-I-M, Just Imagine Myself, Alright, But It Says We Asked Him Exactly What Happened, And When You Ask People Who Have One Of Those Slippy Poos, Maybe Yourself, Exactly What Happened, You'll Find That They Slipped And Slid Back Into That Old Way, You Do Not Get Struck Drunk Or High, And When We Hear People Say Another Lip Flapping Party Line Bullshit Statement, We're All The Same Distance From The Next Drink, That Is A Crock Of Shit, Do Not Believe That, That Is Not True, A Man Or Woman Who Is Actively Working A Program Of Recovery, Is Not The Same Distance From Drinking And Using Than The Dick Who Isn't Doing Shit, He Is Not The Same Distance From The Next Drink, Yeah, And That's Lip Flapping Party Line Crap, You See, We're All The Same Distance From The Next One, You Got Up Before Me This Morning, Well Then You're Sober Longer Than Me, Because All We Got Is To Die, What A Crock Of Shit That Is, All We Got Is To Die, We Do It One Day At A Time, But The More One Days We Get Behind Us, And I Heard Speakers Recently Say Different, But Dr. Bob Don't Say Different In The Beautiful Book, Says That Insurance, The Beautiful Book On Page 86 Says, You Will Be Amazed How The Right Answers Come After You Have Tried This For A While, And Continue, Lots Of Other References, Well Yes, We Do It One Day At A Time, And It's A Nice Catchy Little Thing To Say To A Newcomer, All We Got Is To Die, If You Woke Up Before Me Today, Well Then You're Sober Longer Than Me, I Had A Newcomer Sleep On My Floor Two Nights Ago, He Woke Up At Five O'Clock, I Didn't Wake Up Till Seven, You Think He Had Anything I Wanted, By The Time He Had Been Awake Two Hours And Got The Fog Out Of His Head, He Was About To Run Out With My TV, All We Got Is To Die, No More Lip
[00:20:07]
Clapping Party Line Bullshit, So We Have To Get To The Real Juice Of The Fruit You See, And That's The Powerlessness Of The Very First Step, I Hear People All The Time Say They Done A First Step And Have No Idea What It Means, To Be Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs, I'm Talking Specifically, People Places And Things, The Waves, The Sun, All That I Don't Care About All That, I Ain't Interested In That, I'm Talking About The Alcoholic Addict Who's Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs, That's What I'm Talking About, And What Does That Mean, I Hear People All The Time, Ask Yourself, What Does It Mean To Be Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs, First Step, We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs, That Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable, What Does That Mean, I Ask People All The Time, What Does It Mean, What Does It Mean To Be Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs, That My Life Had Become Unmanageable, You Will Be Amazed At What Some Of The Answers I Get, I'll Give You A Little Clue, I Was Outside A Liquor Store, Came Out Of A Liquor Store, Bum Outside, Bum In Shades, He Said Give Me A Dollar Pal, He Said I'm An Alcoholic, I Gotta Get A Drink, Well You Know He Asked The Wrong Dude, Now I Asked You, He's Admitting He's An Alcoholic, He Surrendered To The Fact That He's An Alcoholic, He Accepts The Fact That He's An Alcoholic, He's Even Using The Fact That He's An Alcoholic To Get Money To Drink, Is It Doing Him Any Good, No, His Life's Unmanageable, He's Outside A Liquor Store, Freezing Cold, Is It Doing Him Any Good, No, Admitting That We Are An Alcoholic Is Not The First Step, And If You Think It Is, You Are Missing The Deal, I Heard A Speaker Recently, Real Recently, Say That The First Step Was The Serenity Prayer, Crock Of Shit, Kills People, I Heard Another Man With 23 Years Sober In My Recent, In My Own Group Down In Los Angeles, Say That You Do The First Step As Soon As You Walk In The Room And Raise Your Hand As A Newcomer, Not True, Missing The Deal, Not True, You Know What, That Very First Step Is The Foundation Of Our Fellowship, Foundation Of Our Program, Foundation Of Our Sobriety, And If That Sobriety Isn't Based Locked Solid On The Very First Step, It Ain't Gonna Last Long, Just Like This Building, If This Building Isn't On Rock Solid Foundation, Oh It May Stand For A While, Maybe A Long While, But Sooner Or Later It's Gonna Start Cracking, You've Probably Seen It, Then We're Gonna Have To Reinforce It, Then We're Gonna Have To Evacuate It, Then We're Gonna Have To Demolish It, Raise It To The Ground, Get Down To The Footings And The Foundation, Reinforce The Foundation So That We Can Build A New Temple, And That's Exactly What Our Bodies Are, And When We In The Program Don't Have Our Program, Our Recovery Completely Based On Rock Solid Foundation Of The Very First Step, Oh We May Stay Sober A While, Sometimes A Long While, Sometimes Like The Counselor In One Of The People That I'm Helping At The Moment, Her Counselor Just Went Out Two Nights Ago, It's Seven Years, Her Counselor In The Detox Program, If That Foundation Isn't On Rock Solid Foundation Of The Sobriety On The First Step, I May Stay Sober A While, Then It All Comes Crashing Down, Because That Very First Step And Understanding Powerlessness, The Powerlessness Over Alcohol And Drugs, And What Does That Mean? I Ask People, Oh I Know, It Means When I Use, I Can't Stop Using, I Have No Control, We Ain't Talking Control, We're Talking About Powerless, Not Control, Lack Of Control Is Not Our Dilemma, Lack Of Power Is Our Dilemma, They Say Well I Know I'm An Addict, That's Knowledge, That We're Not Talking About Lack Of Knowledge, We're Talking About Lack Of Power, And It Goes On And On And On, What Is The Powerlessness? What Is Powerless Over Alcohol And Drugs? I'm Going To Try And Explain It In A Way That You Might Understand It, Certainly As I Understand It, You See What Happens To Me After I Drink And Use, Is Not The Powerlessness, That's Alcoholic Addictive Behavior, I've Got A Two-Fold Disease, A Two-Fold Disease, Obsession Of The Mind, Allergy Of The Body, Allergy Of The Body, Obsession Of The Mind, When I Do Alcohol And Drugs, I Have An Abnormal Effect On Me, My Body Reacts Abnormally To That, And It Sets Off The Phenomenon Of Craving, So That I Cannot Then Stop Doing It, Anybody Experience
[00:25:03]
That? No Shit, I Got An Obsession Of The Mind, Coupled With An Allergy Of The Body, An Obsession Of The Mind, Allergy Of The Body, Two-Fold Disease, It Is A Two-Fold Disease, Mind And Body, Now What Happens To Me When I Drink And Use, Is The Allergy Of The Body, The Obsession Of The Mind Comes Before I Use, People Say I'm Craving Cocaine, It's Not True, You Don't Crave It Till After You've Done It, After You've Done It, It Sets Off The Phenomenon Of Craving, So Then You Can't Stop Doing It, Anybody Know What I'm Talking About By That?
What About The Obsession Of The Mind? The Obsession Of The Mind, What's An Obsession? An Obsession Is A Thought To The Exclusion Of All Else Including Recovery, Maybe You've Had One Of Those Obsessions, Maybe In Spite Of The Fact That You Haven't Wanted To Do It, You've Gone And Done It Anyway, Anybody Done That? Anybody Done Like I Have With Cocaine? I Will Never Touch That Cocaine Again, I Hate Cocaine, I Don't Even Like Cocaine, Screw That Fucking Cocaine, I Don't Know, I'm Not Even A Cocaine Dude Man, I Ain't Never Touching Cocaine Again Ever, I Just Finish This Last Half Then I'm Done, Are You Done That Shit? No Shit, Look She's Laughing Look, That's It, Powerless, Powerless, So What's Powerless? I'm Going To Tell You In A Few Simple Words, Powerless It Makes Me Do Shit That I Don't Want To Do Including It, Not Only It, Including It, When I Absolutely Don't Want To Do It, I End Up Doing It Anyway, Anybody Done That?
No Shit, Not What I Do After I've Done It, Alcoholic Addicted Behaviour, When I Absolutely Don't Want To Do It, I End Up Doing It Anyway, Powerless, It Makes Me Do Shit That I Don't Want To Do Including It, Not Only It, Including It, Because This Ism Is ISM, I Sabotage Myself, You Dig That? It Sets Me Up To Do It Long Before I Actually Do Do It, When I Have A Little Slippy Poo, Invariably I've Been Setting Myself Up To Do That Days, Weeks Or Months Prior To That, Is That Ringing Any Bells? Yeah, ISM, I Sabotage Myself, Maybe ISM Can Be Incredibly Short Memory, When It Comes To Alcohol And Drugs, I Have This Incredibly Short Memory, I Forget, I Forget What Brought Me Here, I Forgot, Forget What I Gotta Do To Stay Here And I Forget What's Gonna Happen To Me When I Don't Stay Here, Maybe ISM Can Mean, I Sponsor Me, There's A Good One, Oh Yeah, Good On Me, Good On Self, Yeah, Sabotage, I'll Show You, Stone Cold Sober I Do Things That Sabotage My Life, Maybe You Do Too, Mary, My Friend Mary, She's A Good Friend Of Mine, She's A Little Bit Ahead Of Me, She's Coming Up On 12 Years Now, And We Talk About The Things We Do, Stone Cold Sober That Sabotage Our Life, She's Like A Shopper, She's A Shopaholic, I Know They Don't Have Them Up Here In Portland, Anybody Here Spend Money They Ain't Got Or Run Up Credit Cards, You Know Shopping, Oh, Sabotage, What About Food, How About Food, Sugar, How About Any Of That Stuff, Look I Got Love Handles No One's Grabbing, Don't Stop Me Eating, I Had An Example Out In The Thing, There Was All Those Little Cakes And Gaddos And Stuff In The Restaurant Here Last Night, You Know, I Swear That And I Looked At Them And Whoo, Look At That, Now I'm Trying To Watch That Intake, And The Sensible Person, The Safe And Sane And Sober Person Said To Me, You Don't Need None Of That Sticky Shit, You're Trying To Watch Your Figure, You're Trying To Watch Your Waste, You're Trying To Watch Your Sugar, You Don't Need Sticky Shit Like That, Then The Little Boy Inside Me Said, Well I Like Sticky Shit, What About Me, What About Me, I Like Sticky Shit, Then The Addict In Me Said, Take Six Of The Fuckers, With Both Hands, Sabotage, How Do You Relate To That, Any little perverts here?
Oh no, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't have none of that perverts. Mary's funny as shit. She says, you bend me over a counter of i-magnon with a bag full of auras while you're screwing my brains out and I'm a happy camper.
[00:30:03]
Sabotage. You see. So it sets me up to do it long before I do it, then I do it. You know, because of the obsession of the mind. Invariably because I'm not on track and in focus. You know, I'm doing stuff. Powerless, because I'm powerless over this. I can't just sit there and not want to do it, because it makes me do it even though I don't want to do it. So even though I got the most strongest urge not to do it, I end up doing it anyway.
Page 24 of the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, I'll read you to what it says, because this is not Mickey B. here, this is, I'm talking about what's the information given here. It says, at a certain point in the drinking or using of every alcoholic addict, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking and using is of absolutely no avail. Look, up there, top of page 24, absolutely no avail.
So I can't just sit there and not want to do it, because it makes me do it even though I don't want to do it. Now I'm an addict. I'm an addict. I will instinctively, normally and naturally do what addicts do. I'm an addict. Now what can I do about the fact that I'm an addict? What can I do about the fact that I'm an alcoholic addict? Anybody. That's exactly right. Nothing. No response. There is nothing you can do about the fact that you're an alcoholic addict. Nothing. Nothing.
Sounds weird, don't it? But it's true. I'm an alcoholic addict. There is nothing I can do about that fact. It is a fact. There is nothing I can do about it. It's the same as the fact that I'm a man. There is nothing I can do about the fact that I'm a man. Nothing. Nothing. Oh, I can go back to West Hollywood where I'm from. I can go back to West Hollywood where I'm from and have a sex change or something.
But then I'm a man with no dick. You know what I mean? There's nothing I can do about it. It's a fact. I'm an alcoholic addict. I can do nothing about that fact. Now we got something in the serenity prayer. There's nothing I can do about that. That's something I cannot change. I am an addict alcoholic. And as an addict alcoholic, I will do instinctively, normally and naturally what alcoholics and addicts do.
I will instinctively, normally and naturally do what alcoholics and addicts do. Just like a blackbird. Like a blackbird. It's a blackbird. Instinctively, normally and naturally it flies south for the winter. It's never been south before. It doesn't know where it's going. It doesn't know why it's going there. It doesn't know what it's going to do when it's going there. It doesn't even know how it's going to get there. But it's a blackbird so it goes south for the winter.
That's what it does. It's a blackbird. Instinctively, normally and naturally it flies south for the winter. Now if you take a blackbird and put it in a cage and take it up to Canada or Alaska or somewhere and then let it out of the cage, it screws off south. It don't go New York or San Francisco. It goes south. Because that's what it does. It's a blackbird. It goes south. Now as an alcoholic addict, I will drink and use. I will instinctively, normally and naturally drink and use. That's what I will do.
There's nothing I can do about being an alcoholic addict. So where's the solution? You've got to have one. I'm powerless over it. I cannot just sit there and not want to do it. You can't wish, want, hope, pray or desire myself clean and sober. It don't work. I tried it. Don't work. Anybody here try it? Don't work. Can't pray yourself. Did anybody like me? Did you ever pray yourself high? Anybody? Anybody? No. Ridiculous, isn't it? You can't pray yourself high and you can't pray yourself sober either. It don't work.
I tried it. I tried it for me and I tried it for my pal. And if you think it does work, next time you're hungry, lock yourself in a closet and pray for a chili dog. See what happens. If God comes down and squirts one through the keyhole, let me know about it. No. We got to take actions. We got to take actions. So if I'm an addict and instinctively, normally and naturally I will drink and use, what's the solution?
I can do nothing about being an addict, but I can do something about what addicts do. I can take alternate actions. I have to take these actions so that I don't do what I already don't want to do.
[00:35:05]
And if I don't do these actions, I will do what I already don't want to do. I can't just not want to. How many times do you hear that when people maybe have said to you, what are you doing to stay clean and sober? Oh, well, I prayed. Prayed? What are you doing? I ask the guys in my house. I run recovery houses. What are you doing to stay clean and sober? People, why are you saying that? I got on my knees and prayed. Prayed? What are you doing? What are you doing? What actions are you doing? What commitments are you got?
What program are you doing? You can't just not want to because I'm powerless over this. It makes me do shit that I don't want to do. I have an obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. Allergy of the body, obsession of the mind. I got an obsession of the mind which will make me do it and an allergy of the body which when I do do it, I pay this horrendous price. Anybody else done that? Yes. Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. So I got a power, power. It makes me do shit that I don't want to do including it.
So I got to do the solutions. I got the solution to this. I got this program. I got these steps. I got this program of recovery. I got to learn it though. I got to learn what to do, learn how to do it, learn how to apply it in all my affairs, fully concede to it, surrender to it, accept it unconditionally without expectations and then commit to a program of action in recovery. And if I don't do that, all the rest don't mean crap.
Sounds like a lot of work. People say, Mick, it's got to keep it simple. Screw you keeping it simple. Go and join the 95% who don't make it if you want to keep it simple. Got to learn what to do, learn how to do it, learn how to apply it in all my affairs, fully concede to it, surrender to it, accept it unconditionally without expectations and then commit to a program of action in recovery. And without that you don't get it. Just don't get it. You go sliding out on that easier, softer trail. That's why practically no one cares to, because they don't want to do it.
I don't mean to say that 95% Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 Steps don't work for 95% of us. They do. It does. It works for everybody. Just that 95% don't do it. Don't do it. See? They prefer that easier, softer way. They don't want to do what it takes. What happens? Practically no one, of course. Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. What does that mean? What does it mean, like the beautiful book says, to fully concede to our innermost self that we are alcoholic addicts? The delusion that we are like other people, or presently maybe, has to be smashed.
What's a delusion? It talks about illusion. Delusion. What is an illusion or a delusion? What is an illusionist? It's somebody like David Copperfield, or I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago and saw Siegfried and Roy. You know? And they do these illusions. And they delude us into thinking that it's real. See? An illusion is a trick. A delusion is a trick of the mind. See? Siegfried and Roy do this magnificent show. And wow, they did this trick. Wow! Far out! How the hell did they do that? But we all know the fucking elephant ain't really disappeared. You know what I mean?
It's a trick. And that's what the disease does to our mind. It deludes us into thinking that we can believe it. And it ain't. It's a lie. And it does that over and over and over. It's an illusion or a delusion. The delusion that we are like other people, we ain't. We're physically and mentally different. I've got an obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. A two-fold disease makes me different than my fellows. I can never ever be.
And it don't matter whether you like it or not. It don't matter whether you like it or not. It does not matter one iota whether you like being an alcoholic addict or not. Doesn't matter. Disease don't care. Anybody here speak Russian? I'll tell you what it means in Russian. Being an alcoholic addict in Russian. I'll say it to you in Russian. You know what it is in Russian? Tufsky Shitsky. That's what it is in Russian.
See, it does not matter that you don't like it. No one gives a shit how you feel about it. Too bad. Disease don't care. So, I'm powerless over it. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently maybe, I ain't never ever gonna be like those other people.
[00:40:07]
Never ever am I gonna be like them again. I'm an alcoholic addict. I am never ever gonna be like the non-alcoholic addict again. That's why I said in the beginning of this show, you're never gonna be hearing cured from me up here. I'm not talking about cured. Recovered. So now, I've got this allergy to the body, obsession of the mind. The delusion that we are like other people who haven't got this allergy of the body and obsession of the mind, now it has to be smashed. Smashed! What does that mean? Smashed!
See, we gotta smash that damn thing. We can't just go pussyfooting around. How many of us delicate dudes and dudettes, look at the way he's talking to me. Don't wanna smash this delusion, they wanna pussyfoot it around. Like I do. Like when they told me that you carry on drinking, you get a wet brain. Now, my next door neighbor just recently, I said to him, you carry on drinking the way you're drinking, you're gonna get a wet brain. You know what he said to me? He's not an alcoholic addict. He said, oh, thanks Mick. You know, I know you know what you're talking about. He said, thanks, I'm gonna do something about that.
They said that to me. I'm an alcoholic addict. They said, Mick, you carry on drinking the way you're drinking, you're gonna end up with a wet brain. You know what I said? How wet? What better get wet first? So what if it does get wet? How long will it take to get wet? Well, I don't care if that bit gets wet. See? Anything other, I want a softer, easier way. I wanna find a way of being able to do it without having to pay the price. So it has to be smashed. Now, it says we learn, we have to fully concede to our innermost self. Now, I'm only talking powerless here. I ain't even talking like admittance, lack of control. I'm not talking about all that stuff. I'm talking powerless. I'm powerless over this alcohol and drugs.
Because it makes me do shit that I don't wanna do. When I absolutely don't wanna do it, I end up doing it anyway. That's powerless. Not what I've done after I've done it. So, it says we learn, we have to fully concede to our innermost self. It says we learn. But you know what the most common thing I hear on a daily basis is? What do you think the most common thing I hear on a daily basis from the new dudes in my house? Probably the same as you. The most common thing I hear is, I know! So you gotta go to meetings, I know. Gotta work steps, I know. Gotta get a sponsor, I know. Gotta read the book, I know. Gotta put a dollar in the basket, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Everybody knows everything.
It don't say I know, it says we learn. And that's usually followed by yeah but. I know, yeah but, yeah but, yeah but. The mating call of arseholes. Yeah but, yeah but. And all people say when they're doing but, but, but. But, let me ask you this. You know in almost every meeting that we have, we read chapter 5 how it works. And it's like A, B and C. And the last one on that is God could and would have sought, right? Everybody usually echoes that. God could and would have sought. Oh, thank you very much. So sit down. Now who knows what the very next line in the big book is? Anybody? No. It's a good idea if you read the sucker.
Who's that said they know? Anybody? Being convinced we were at step 3. Being convinced. Being convinced. Now are we convinced? Being convinced we're at step 3. People who keep saying but all the time, are they convinced? I don't think so. That's what but is. B-U-T. Being unconvinced totally. That's what but is. People who keep saying but, but, but, they ain't convinced. And you know what? They don't stick around. Doesn't work. Doesn't work that way. Being convinced.
So we've got to learn to fully concede to our innermost self. This is the first step in recovery. The 12 and 12 are the 12 steps. This is the first step in recovery. To learn to fully concede to our innermost self. This is the first step in recovery. So if it's the first step in recovery, must surely help to know what the bugger is. What does it mean? What is your innermost self? I didn't know. I asked people.
They don't seem to know anyway. They seem to flounder at best. Your innermost self. What is your innermost self? People say, well, what you really believe. Oh, is it? What you really believe?
[00:45:00]
Hmm. What you think. What you think is the truth. Well, I think… Well, it's truth. Telling the truth. Oh, is that right? Well, it's your feelings. It's what you truly… Is it? I don't know about that. The doctor tells me the disease lays mainly in my head. What do I do with my head? Think. So if the disease lays in my head and what I do with my head, there's a good chance that my thinking's diseased, isn't it?
Ain't hard to work out, is it? So I can't rely on that. What I say, the truth, I'm a liar, a cheat and a thief. I speak with a forked tongue. I'll tell a lie any chance I get to take advantage. Always have done. Perjury to me is as normal as breathing. I don't know anybody who ever went to court and told the truth. So it can't be, it has to be more than what I say. Can't rely on what I say. I'm a liar, a cheat and a thief.
Feelings? My feelings, what I truly feel? I'm a delicate dude. My heart's been broken many times and will be again. I can't rely on my feelings. I've always got to act better than I feel. My feelings, any life run on my feelings, read it, it's in the book. It's doomed. One day I'm going to feel like killing your sick butt. Another day I'll feel like loving it. My mood swings and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality is like, woo-woo-woo, I can't rely on my feelings.
I've got to rely on the actions. I've got to take alternate actions to change. A-C-T-I-O-N, actions. Any change to improve our nature, the exact nature of our wrongs, fifth step. Got to change. C-H-A-N-G-E, choosing honesty allows new growth every day. See, I've got to change who I am by the actions I take, which is the 12 step program in recovery. Now I got to learn that. I don't know it, I got to learn it.
Who have I got to learn it from? You guys, because I don't know it. I got to learn it from you. I can't learn it from them guys out there. They don't know it. We got to, that's why we started off this, one addict to another addict, one alcoholic to another alcoholic. My own mom, God bless her, loves me dearly. She don't understand this disease. I was back home in Northwest London. She's from London, I'm from London.
You can probably tell. I'm a limey, lush and loady. This is the way I talk. Alcohol and drugs didn't do this to me. You see, I walk into my mom's house this time last year, I go, 10 years clean and sober, mom. She says, so is the cat. She don't understand. But me, I want a pat on the back for not doing something I shouldn't have done in the first place. Got to come here and learn it here. Got to learn to fully concede to her innermost self.
What's my innermost self? Not in my head, not in my mouth, not in my heart. All that lip flapping, party line bullshit about from your head to your heart, the longest journey you've ever done. What a crap that is. I got to get it down here in my gut. We talk about our gut level honesty, committing to paper. When I commit to paper, I get it in my gut. When people like us are writing, we're being as honest as we possibly can.
Most of us are not fiction writers and stuff like that. And even if we are, when we're here among our peers doing what we do around here, we're usually being as honest as it's possible for us to be. Which may not be very much, but it's at least the best we can. And that's all anybody's asking. So we commit it to paper. Then a couple of other things happen. When we commit it to paper, 85% of the pressure involved dissipatates and goes.
So now at least we're not coming from so much pressure. Then of course, we're creating a record. We're putting it down. It's there for me to read back over. It's there as a record to come up. And maybe you're like me, you can be writing and go, shit, this seems familiar. I've already written this. You turn back and go, oh shit, look there, Tuesday. God, I don't do very well on Tuesdays. Look, the third Tuesday of the month.
Holy shit, it's the third Tuesday. Look, I'm all screwed up. Look, every third Tuesday of the month, I get screwed up. We start seeing a pattern develop, a pattern that we can take alternate actions to change, which I wasn't seeing if I wasn't here, learning from you guys. I got to come here to learn. So that's my innermost self, my gut level honesty, not my head, my mouth and my heart. My innermost self, my guts.
See, I can spew out words to you and admit shit. But now to fully concede.
[00:50:01]
What does to fully concede mean? What does to fully concede mean? People don't know. I asked them, they don't know. I didn't know. I can't be admitting it. That bum outside the liquor store is admitting he's an alcoholic addict. Can't be just to surrender to it. He surrendered, I've accepted, he surrendered. So what? I'll give you a clue. I told you I'm from London, England. I was born in 1943. That makes me just over 50 years old.
In 1943, when I was born, Hitler was bombing the crap out of London. The Luftwaffe was like bombing the crap out. Some of you may remember the history books and maybe some of you may have even been there. I don't know. But you know, we was all scuttling everywhere. Underground, in the London underground usually, just to get out of the bombs. That little earthquake in LA, shit. We've been used to that.
Little earthquake in LA last week. My ex-girlfriend used to give me bigger tremors than that. Shit. But Hitler was bombing the crap out of London and we was like scuttling and he was rampaging through. Now, you Americans came over and saved our bacon and I'm glad you did. Thank you very much. But you know what? That wasn't the first time you did that. In the 1914, 18 World War, the First World War, where two million men died, two million men died in Europe when the Kaiser was rampaging through Europe in the First World War.
In the whole of the American Revolution, 600,000 men died. I don't say only 600,000. God forbid I'd decrease that in any way, devalue that in any way. But in Europe, two million men died. And you Americans came over and kicked their ass, man, and saved our bacon again. And you know what? They surrendered. We accepted that surrender. We accepted their defeat. They admitted defeat. We accepted that defeat and then they surrendered.
But did they fully concede? No. They come back in 1934 and did it all over again. Didn't fully concede. And that's what happens to most of us in here, my friend. That's what happens in here. Because we don't even know what to fully concede really means, we don't do it. That's why practically no one else cares to. That's why the book means. Because no one else carries the message and puts it in a way that can understand.
To fully concede has to be more than just admitting it, has to be more than just accepting it, has to be more than surrendering to it. To fully concede. I'll tell you about my particular. And I'm not one of those people that says, just for me. I don't say that. In my experience of working with people, people who hide behind a big barrage and a big shield and claim that everything they say is just for me.
It's just a bloody big excuse for them to spew out a load of crap and hide behind a just for me. I don't say that. In my experience of fully conceding, which is a total difference to admitting, accepting and surrendering. To fully concede to my innermost self, which I had to learn by coming here. I got one thing about me, one thing that I can fully concede to. I have completely, it's not open to contradiction.
There's no argument. It's no contention on any level. It is a given. When I drink and use, I black out. I'm a blackout drinker and user. Any other blackout drinkers and users here? And the rest, you lying mothers. There's a whole section back there, not one hand went up. Lying mothers. Yeah, there you go. I'm a blackout drinker and user. When I drink and use, I black out. That's not, there's nothing that can dispel that from my mind.
Every, not every time, because therein lies the key. I don't know how much to drink to go into a blackout. I don't know how much to use not to go into a blackout. I don't know how much to use and drink to go into a small one, a big one, a fat one, a thin one. I do not know. When I drink and use, I black out. I have no control over that. I do not know what to do about that. All I know is that it happens.
Not every time, but it happens. And I have no saying on when it does. There's not contention to that. I have fully conceded that point under all circumstances, under any conditions that will happen. Nothing can shake that from my mind. If Marilyn Monroe was on her knees in front of me
[00:55:01]
and said, here Mick, drink this and I'll give you a head till you tell me to stop. I'd have to say, screw off, back where you came from. If I drink that, I may miss the whole deal. You know what I'm saying? I have fully conceded to my innermost self that when I drink and use, that is the one thing about I cannot, that is not open to any kind of contradiction under any circumstances. I have fully conceded that point.
A friend of mine's actually got three points. Your point don't have to be the same as mine, but that's a fully conceded point. We learn to fully concede to our innermost self that we are alcoholic addicts. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed because I am powerless over this thing. It makes me do it when I don't want to do it.
When I absolutely don't want to do it, I end up doing it anyway. That's the powerlessness because of the obsession of the mind and the allergy of the body. Obsession of the mind. Even when I least expect it or least want to, I will do it. Jim's story in the book Alcoholics Anonymous where he puts the whiskey in the milk, he wasn't thinking about drinking. He wasn't like planning that, but he wasn't thinking of not doing it either.
Later on, Fred, whose story's there, he goes to Washington, D.C. His old business trip goes perfectly. In all other things apart from alcoholism and addiction, we are much like other men. In fact, even more better working, a better capability than the average Joe. See, Fred goes to Washington, does his whole trip, but then he thinks a couple of drinks, cocktails with dinner. See, he wasn't thinking about not drinking.
Wasn't thinking about drinking, but wasn't thinking of not drinking. So he hadn't fully conceded and he wasn't consciously aware all the time of not doing it. And so like page 24 says, we will do it. Doesn't matter how big the desire. You can't just desire. See, having a desire to be a member around here may be the minimum requirement, but that's what it is. It's a minimum requirement. I ain't never seen anybody desire themselves clean and sober, never, not once.
I ain't never seen anybody hope, wish, want, or pray themselves clean and sober either. Doesn't work. Gotta take actions. I know loads, I know thousands of people who'd like to be clean and sober if they didn't have to quit. See? So we gotta take these actions. And we admit complete defeat. Usually that means that we gotta hit bottom. At some level, we've got to have hit bottom. What does that mean, to have hit bottom?
People think in terms of it as ending up in the gutter. You know, they think in terms of having not been as bad as somebody else. So, you know, there's high bottoms and low bottom. The crock of shit is lip-flapping party line bullshit. High bottoms and low bottoms is full of shit. There's no such thing as high bottoms and low bottoms. Everybody in this room's bottom was exactly the same. Sounds weird, doesn't it?
Some of us have never even seen each other, but it's true. High bottoms and low bottoms, I see more of us go out because of some delusion about a high bottom and a low bottom. People say that they're not as bad as that. But it's not the people, you see. It's the disease that says that. The disease uses that. That little word yet, you can usually apply. Yet. If you don't think you're as bad as somebody, just put it yet.
Y-E-T. You're eligible too. Or you'll end up there. You know, I never lost my house, my car, my wife, my husband. Yet. I never hustled the Broadway, feet to the curb. Yet. I never ended up in the penitentiary married to Bubba. Yet. He's waiting, Bubba's waiting. And his buddy Leroy. You see. High bottoms and low bottoms. So I'll tell you where I come from on that. Tell me if I'm wrong. Everybody in this room, I'll guarantee it.
Somewhere, way back there probably, if you're like me, somewhere in our thinking, way back there, we said to ourselves, as a result of more trouble we'd gotten through drinking and using, we said, screw this. I shouldn't have done that. or I wish I hadn't done that, or I'm in trouble now because I did do that, or I don't want to do that again. Anybody not said something like that? I didn't think so.
See, that's our bottom. Right there is our bottom, and that's usually way up here. But we don't consider that much of a bottom, do we? The book talks about it as well.
[01:00:00]
See, we don't consider it a bottom usually until we're in some kind of degradation of some dilapidated state, when we think that that's the bottom. But it's not. See, our bottom is way up here. But when we're talking about the gutter and stuff, that's how far down we go before we do something about it. See, and that bottom, you can go down even further, because it's a progressive disease. That's why it doesn't get better, it gets worse. The disease gets worse.
The progression of this disease is alarming. It keeps getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. And the only thing that counteracts the progression of the disease is the progression of recovery. See, if that disease is progressing and progressing and progressing and progressing and progressing, the only thing that counteracts the progression of that disease is the progression of the recovery.
And if our recovery isn't progressing right alongside that, and we slip back and we cut back our meetings, or cut back calling our sponsor, or cut back our commitments, and that disease is progressing and progressing, and it progresses so far out there in front that we lose sight of it, what do you think a dude like me does? Maybe like you too. That's right, I go out there, just have one of those little slippy puts.
So I'm powerless, powerless over it. I've got to learn what to do, learn how to do it, learn how to apply it to all my affairs, fully concede to it, surrender to it, accept it, unconditionally, without expectations, and then commit to a program of action in recovery. Having hit bottom, having made that innermost self-knowledge, you've got to do that. And if we don't, we don't. It's just the way it is.
I wrote five pages on that very first paragraph in the Traveller's Guide. Now a lot of people separate their life and their program. They think they've got their life and they've got their program. And they talk about things like balance, got to have balance. What a crock of shit that is. Balance? We like words like balance because it allows us to be like some kind of like rationalization into not doing what we should do.
Balance, got to have some balance. Did you have any balance out there when you were drinking and using, anybody here? Did anybody ever say, oh no, I'm not using today, I've got a job, I'm working. Anybody? No. Balance? You know what? I mean, I say things to the guy, you going to a meeting tonight? No, I went to one this morning or went to one at lunchtime or something. When I was drinking and using out there, if anybody ever said to me, you coming down to the pub tonight, Mick, I never once said no, I went to one at lunchtime.
But all of a sudden I got to have some balance. Did I have any balance in my life before? No. Moderation? What the hell does moderation mean? Moderation? What's moderation? I don't have any concept of moderation. I totally and do not know what moderation means. I have no concept of moderation. I never did a damn thing in my entire life in moderation. Nothing. Except the steps. That's the only thing I ever did in moderation was the steps.
The thing that would save my life. Then I had to have balance. Uh-uh. No such thing as balance. Got to give myself, that's why it says, Rarely have we seen a person found who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover, and that tells me some people don't, are those who cannot or will not. Now what department are you in? The cannot or the will not. Most of us go into the will not because we can, but we don't.
Some of us have got 30 days or 60 days or a couple of years. So we can, but then we don't. Cannot or will not. Completely, not balance-ly, Completely give, give, not get, give themselves to this simple program. I'm not talking about balance. If there's any… So, oh, so the separation of my life and my program. You know, I've been rich and I've been poor. And rich is better. Nothing wrong with money, property and prestige, as long as you don't come first.
But you know, when I had all my shit, never done me no good. Never done me no good having all that shit. In fact, I screwed it up and lost it. Maybe you'll like to say. Then they say things like, Gotta get your shit together. Well, I did that. I got all my shit together and I ended up with a big pile of shit.
[01:05:04]
So all of a sudden, I get sober. So what happens? Do I concentrate on my program? No. I've got to concentrate on getting my shit back. I'll be alright if I get my stuff back. You say, are you going to a meeting? No, I'm busy, I'm busy. I've got my career to think about. I've got my blah, blah, blah. No, I'll go to a meeting at the weekend if I can fit it in. All of a sudden, my stuff and my shit becomes important.
It wasn't, didn't do me alright when I had it. In fact, I screwed it up and lost it. Now, instead of concentrating on my program and doing this and believing that this will be as it's supposed to be in my life, I then cancel out the program and start working on my life. I've got to get my life. I've got to pay the bills, got to do the laundry, got to pay the… No, my friend. If we concentrate on our life, on our program, our life will turn into what it's supposed to be.
Because my life's unmanageable, so I can't manage my own life anyway. And even if I could, I'd screw it up. That's why Adam and Eve were alcoholic addicts, you know. You do know that, don't you? Adam and Eve were alcoholic addicts. They had to be, because who but an alcoholic addict would, like, screw up paradise? I mean, like, it's true, isn't it? So my life's unmanageable because I'm powerless. Powerless over this deal.
I guess I've got a few minutes here, but… You know, I love… That's why I love telling a couple little stories. You know, that describe this to us, because we've got to stick together, one addict alcoholic relating to another addict alcoholic. You see, that's what works. You see, because those people out there, it's a save-your-own-arse program, man. We've got to save our arse here. And they've got to save their arse out there too, but they ain't got a program like we've got.
But they've got ways of their own. I love telling the story of the two dudes driving across the desert in their Jeep. I love telling the story of the two dudes driving across the desert in their Jeep. Baking hot day. Jeep break down. Halfway across the desert. Screwed. I said, shit, what are we going to do? He said, I don't know. What are you going to do? I said, I don't know either. What are you doing?
He said, I don't know. Just then a mountain lion crawls around a rock looking real mean and hungry. I said, holy crikey, look at this. What are we going to do? I said, I don't know. What are you doing? He said, I'm putting on my running shoes, man. I said, putting on your running shoes? What the hell good's that? Everybody knows you can't outrun a mountain lion. He said, I ain't got to outrun the lion.
I've just got to outrun you. Just save your own ass program, folks. Now if you want to get to the solution, if you want to get to the solution, it really helps to know what the real problem is. What the real problem is. And that's described in this beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. What the real deal is. Not what we think it is, the delusionary thinking. That's why I tell the white rabbit story.
This story isn't my own. I got it off of Clint, and I don't even know whether it's his, but I tell it better than him anyway. But it's a white rabbit story. The two neighbors fussing and fighting and they're always like at each other's throat and they get this kind of walking on eggshells type truce going. And one day the little terrier dog of the next door neighbor comes in with a white rabbit in his mouth from the next door's garden and it's all dead and bloody.
He says, oh shit. Just when we're getting along good, he snatches, he has a brainwave. I know what the solution is. He grabs the white rabbit, washes it all clean, blow dries it dry, sneaks into the next door's yard, opens up the cage, throws the rabbit in, snaps the cage closed, screws back on. Well, come the weekend, he sees his neighbor working in the yard. He thinks, I'll go out and have a word.
So he does. Goes out, says, hi neighbor. Neighbor said, hi. Well, you know the dude's got to be one of us because he can't leave well enough alone. He said, how's the rabbit? Dude said, funny thing happened with that old rabbit. It died here last week so I buried it up the end of the garden but I see it's back in its cage now. You see, so if you want to get to the real solution, it helps to know what the real problem is.
And we do that by coming here and learning from each other here. See? And there ain't no mistakes. If you think you are, look, I don't know about you but we come here and the joys of living and stuff and
[01:10:00]
if you think that you're not really an alcoholic addict like I did in the beginning, I was so sick when I got here, I was so sick when I got here that I didn't think I was sick. Really sick that is, you know. In fact, I was so sick that I thought, well I'm not as sick as some of them dudes over there. They're really sick. So if you're wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic addict or not, I want you to know that I can relate to being as sick as you don't think you are.
Which is really sick. But if you are one of those dudes that's wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic or not, I want you to know that here's a good clue. You better not have laughed in here today. See? You better not have even had a little chuckle up. Because you know why? You may have caught this disease. Because you catch it in rooms like this. You do know that, don't you? I wasn't an alcoholic addict till I came here.
I caught it here in these rooms. From you people. Through the years. Because they say if you're laughing you're relating. And if you're laughing you're relating. And if you're relating to a sick fuck like me, there ain't no doubt about you pal. Because I do not get through to well people. Well people don't laugh at my shit. You people, my people, alcoholic addict people laugh at my shit. See? And that's what we do. We come here and we relate. Come to A-A-N-A-C-A. Doesn't matter what age. Don't matter to me.
Don't matter to me, but there is a difference. See I'm a contender for it all. A-A-N-A-C-A. A-C-A. Overeaters. Little Peters. It don't matter what it is man. You know there's twelve steps attached to it. I'm a contender for it. See? I never even heard the term drug of choice till I came here. Drug of choice? What the hell's that? Drug of choice. I don't know from drug of choice. My drug of choice if I got one's yours.
Whatever you got is my drug of choice. And everything you got is my favourite. I don't know from drug of choice. I was out on the phone one day to the connection trying to get something for nothing. And I looked down and I saw a pill on the floor and oh my god look at that. I swooped on this pill. Picked it up and ate it. Didn't know what the hell it was. Didn't matter what it was. It was a pill. It might have done something for up here.
Could have been a bloody dog-worming pill for all I know. It was a pill for Christ's sake. Difference does it make. See? But we have this beautiful, wonderful fellowship, Cocaine Anonymous. I love Cocaine Anonymous. You know what? The last drug I did of any kind was cocaine. At a party. I'd been coming to Alcoholics Anonymous for four months. Hadn't drank a drop of alcohol for four months. And was still doing the other shit. Now I love Alcoholics Anonymous. But it wasn't alcohol wasn't the only thing that did it for me. I always drank but I didn't only drink.
See I did loads of other things as well like drugs. Oh don't worry I did them alcoholically. I mean I did them. And I did loads of them too. Sloshing around inside my skin. In fact if I never had the skin I would have just formed a puddle. Pot. I didn't think I had a problem with pot. I love pot. It only did two things to me. It made me horny and made me hungry. No big deal attached to that. Some mornings you wake up with a sore arm and a bed full of pizza crust. But apart from that apart from that no big deal.
Anybody do a little speed? A little crystal? A little crank? Anybody do a lot? Did it make your dick disappear too? Oh it broke down all the inhibitions but I might as well have said to you lovely ladies you want to come home we'll talk about sex. There's no chance of getting any though. You know old disappearing dick here. I used to like hallucinogenics. I used to like LSD MDA. Dust. Anybody here do any of that shit?
Tried to use some of this brain back here once. Threw a thought back there. Thought came hurtling back. Thought said you're nuts trying to use that back there. That whole section's closed down. There's a big sign up back there Says this whole section's closed down, you blew-through-air-in-a-pink-floyd-concert-in-the-sixties, mother-fucker! Ha ha ha ha ha! Every once in a great while, a single cell lights up and comes forward, you know, like…
Heroin, I don't care if I puke on you and nod out, I don't give a shit, see, I'm a drug addict! I gotta leave all that shit behind! See? All mind-altering chemicals!
[01:15:01]
See? Why wouldn't I do that? I never knew that when I got here, I didn't even understand it, I was in Alcoholics Anonymous and never drank! Four more months I didn't, and I don't celebrate my birthday until May 8th! I haven't drank since January the 15th, 83! All mind-altering chemicals! But not only today, because I got a loving God in my life, a higher power! Not a higher powder, a higher power! I'm the Lower Power, I'm the Human Power, But the Disease Keeps Screwing This Human Power, So I Turn to the Higher Power, The Higher Power Activates the Lower Power to Take Alternate Action, So that I Don't Have to Do What the Disease Wants Me to Do, Because I'm Powerless Over Not Doing It, So I Gotta Get Some Help, I Gotta Get it from this Higher Power, Which is the Second Step, And I Turn, Make a Decision, Turn My Life and My Will Over to that Higher Power, What's My Life and My Will, Most People Don't Know, What's My Will and My Life, Your Life, Everything You Have Done, Are Doing and Will Do, It's an Action, Because it's a Mind and Body, My Life is Everything I Have Done, Am Doing and Will Do, It's an Action, What is My Will, Everything I Wish I'd Done, Would Like to be Doing and Hope I Do, See, Mind and Body, One's an Action, One's a Thought, See, My Will is Everything I Wish, Maybe, You Know, Some of You Ladies, Maybe You Wanted to Go Through College and Graduate College, But You Went with a Local Dude and Got Knocked Up and, You Know, Ended Up Somewhere Else, You Wish You'd Gone to College, But You Didn't, We're Turning All This Over, Will and Life Over to God, It's a Decision, I Ain't Done Nothing Yet, It's a Decision, Everything I Am Doing, I Am Standing Here with You, Maybe I'd Like to be Back Down in L.A. with Somebody Else, But I'm Not, I'm Here, Everything I Will Do, I Will Do Something This Afternoon, Maybe I'd Like to Do Something Else, See, It's Everything, You Know How Many People's Lives Are Screwed Up Based on What They Did in the Past, That They Can't Let Go Of, You Know How Many People's Lives Are Screwed Up Today, Based in the Fear, Worry, Anxiety of What They, I'm Never Going to Get Laid Again or I'm Never Going to Get a Job or All That, See, That's The Three Things About That, So I Turn That Over to the Higher Power, Never Had No Higher Power When I Got Here, Certainly Not of My Understanding, Didn't Even Understand What I Could Have, God of Your Understanding, They Said, I Don't Even Know What That Means, I'm Not an Idiot, I'm a Smart Man, I'm a Very Smart Man, I Got a Great Education, I Got Letters After My Name, I Got a PhD, Pretty Heavy Drinker, But I Never Knew What You Meant, God of Your Understanding, Let Go, Let God, What? Turn It Over to God, What?
Pray to God, What? Are You Nuts? If I Pray to That Sucker, He'll Know Where I Am, I've Been Sucking God for Years, I Don't Know Anything About a Loving Lord Like You Guys Taught Me Here in These Rooms, I'm Powerless Over Not Drinking and Using, But I'm Not Powerless When I Got That God Walking Next to Me, Walking the Sunlight of the Spirit, So I Turn to That God, Now I Could Have Admitted That I Was an Addict in Two Minutes, I've Been Here, I Don't Know, Best Part of About an Hour and Fifteen Minutes, I Forgot to Look Really, I Gotta Watch You and Have a Look, Look, I Could Have Said That I Was an Alcoholic, I Could Have Admitted That in the Beginning, But I Hope I've Given You Some Information to Realize That Being Powerless is a Lot More Than Just Raising Your Hand Saying, Yeah, I'm an Addict, Yeah, When I Use, I Get Really Fucked Up, Yeah.
I'm Powerless, Why? Because It Makes Me Do Shit That I Don't Want to Do, Including It, and If I Don't Want to Do It, I Can't Just Not Want to Do It, I Gotta Do Alternative Actions, I Have to Get Into This Program of Action, to Take Actions, and by the Actions I Take, I Change Who I Am, and Like the Beautiful Book Says, My Life, I Have to Act My Way Into It, The Understanding, Like the Twelve Step in the Twelve and Twelve Again, I'll Read You What It Says, Understanding is the Key to Right Principles and Attitudes, and Right Action is the Key to Good Living, No Good Just Sitting Back and Saying, I Don't Want to Do It, Yeah, I Know I Am It, Oh Yeah, When I Do It, I Lose Control, I Can't Not Do It, It's a Two-Fold Disease, and All That Psychobabble About, Well, You Know, It Was This and It Was That, I Ain't Knocking Therapy, but All That Shit in Your Head, Is Not What Counts, Cause It's a Two-Fold Disease, Obsession of the Mind, Allergy of the Body, and When People Say, Oh, Well, It's All This Stuff from the Past, I Came From a Dysfunctional Family, Well, I Came From a Dysfunctional Family, Bloody Family Was Dysfunctional Cause I Was In It,
[01:20:11]
Well, Let Me Tell You, It's a Mind and Body, If I Was to Cut Your Head Off, If I Was to Cut Your Head Off, Completely, and All That Shit That's In It, and Give You a Completely New Head, Completely New Empty Head, Unused, Polish Head, Your Body Would Still Be Allergic to Alcohol and Drugs, and Vice-Versa, Born and Out, I Have People Say They're Born an Addict, Born an Alcoholic, Well, They're Going to Argue With Their Belief, but It Ain't True, How Can You Be Born, It's a Two-Fold Disease, Obsession of the Mind, Allergy of the Body, I May Be Born with the Potential of Becoming an Alcoholic Addict, but I Don't Become an Alcoholic Addict Until I Do It, and Then Do It Again, Having Experienced the Effect It Has on Me, This Bloody Old Fart Guy, He Was Putting Down HTA as a Matter of Fact from the Podium, 24 Years Sober, Putting Down Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Nobody Healed Me Down When I Was a Baby and Poured a Drink Down My Throat, You Know, Another Thing, I Was Born an Alcoholic, He Said, Came Out the Shoot an Alcoholic, I Went Up to Him Afterwards, I Said, Hey, You, They Said, Putting Down 12-Step Programs from the Podium, I Said, Do You Think Alcoholism's Got Anything to Do with Drinking Alcohol, Course It Does, He Said, You're Weird, You Always Say Weird Shit, You Do, I Said, Well, If Alcoholism's Got Anything to Do with Drinking Alcohol, and You Were Born an Alcoholic, Where the Fuck Did You Do Your Drinking, You Know What, No, I Don't Know What You Mean, I Heard You Put Down Another 12-Step Program with a Load of Crap, No, I Don't Give That Flapping Party Line Bullshit, See, We Have to Have Done It, Experienced the Effect It Has, That Abnormal Effect on Us, and Then Do It Again, And That's Why Alcohol and Alcoholism, For the Want of a Better Word, I Wrote the Word Sober, S-O-B-E-R, Son of a Bitch, Everything's Real, and That, When I, I Don't Separate Alcohol from Drugs and Drugs from Addiction and All That, I'll Use Whatever Terminology You Like, but Get the Message, When I'm Talking about Drugs or Booze, Alcohol, Alcoholism, I'm Talking about Addiction and Drugs or Anything that Works for You, Just for the Sake of These Things, I've Used These Words, Alcoholism and Alcohol, Alcohol Screws Up My Body, Alcoholism Screws Up My Mind, Alcoholism, That's Why the 12 and 12, the Beautiful 12 and 12, Says Look, Alcoholics, Already Talking about Alcoholics, Addicts, Who Still Had Their Health, Their Families, Their Jobs, and Even Two Cars in Their Garage, Began to Recognize Their Alcoholism, Alcoholism Screws My Mind, Alcohol and Drugs Screws My Body, That's Why When I Do It, Of Course I'm Going to Do It, Everybody Does It, Everybody Who Takes Alcohol and Drugs in Sufficient Quantities, Will Have an Abnormal Effect on Them, and They Will Be Powerless Over That Effect, The Pope, If He Drinks Too Much Wine Doing Mass, He Will Get Screwed Up, Granny Clampett, See, But She, They're Not Alcoholics and Addicts, He Don't Say, Give Me Another Gallon of Gallows, Like While During the Ceremony, He Don't Say That, See, They Don't Do That, They Don't Have an Obsession of the Mind, They Don't Have an Allergy of the Body, What's Up Babe, We Gotta Wrap This Up, What, Couple of Minutes, Far Out, Far Out, What Do We Have to Do, What Powers, Other Explanations of the First, Excepting That I'm an Alcoholic, Yeah, Oh, Oh, There's One Thing I Want to Talk About Quickly, Have I Got a Couple of Minutes, Right, Look, Here's What, Here's What, I'm Going to Tell You Something, Which I Don't Know Whether You Can Get, The Thing of Gravitators, Well, Another Reason I Don't Tell People It's Okay to Have Slept and Done All That Shit, Because It Ain't, See, What Happens When We Go In and Out and In and Out and In and Out and In and Out, You Know What Happens, The Disease Builds Up an Immunity to Recovery, You Never Get Sober, You Know What Happens, It's Just Like If You Took a Little Dab of Strychnine or Arsenic Each Day, What Would Happen If You Took a Little Dab of Strychnine or Arsenic Each Day, Anybody, It Builds Up, You Build Up an Immune, That's Where You Get a Vaccination or Something Like That, You Build Up a Tolerance to It and Then the Strychnine or the Arsenic Has No Effect on Your Body, You Can Take It with Immunity,
[01:25:00]
And That's What Happens When Dude and Dudettes Go In and Out and In and Out and In and Out of This Program, The Disease Builds Up an Immunity to Their Recovery and Then They Can Never Beat the Bloody Disease, The Disease Has Gone by the Short Ones, Man, It Just Drags Them In Any Chance It Wants, Once in a Great While, The Reverse Happens, People Go In and Out and In and Out and In and Out and Their Recovery Builds Up an Immunity to the Disease and Somebody Like Mickey B. Gets Sober, People Go, Well, Look, If He Got Sober, Anybody, But They Don't, For Everyone Like Me, That's an Exception to the Rule, Thousands are Dying by the Wayside, Thousands Don't Make It Back or Go Back Out There and Can't Get Back, Like Outside Detroit, Another Liquor Store, Me and Mark were Outside Detroit, Freezing Cold and Bums Bumming Change Again, Mark Said to Him, Come on, Pal, We'll Take You to an AA Meeting and Afterwards, We'll Give You a Couple of Bucks to Be on Your Way and Take You Anywhere in the City You Want to Go, You Know What the Old Bums Started Doing?
Started Quoting the Beautiful Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, He Knew Page 449, He Knew the Steps, He Knew the Traditions, He was, Rrrrrrrr, Out Explodes, We Were Amazed, Mark Said, Pal, You Know the Books, You Know the Book Better than I do, He Said, I Know, Man, He Said, How Come? He Said, I Had 18 Years of Sobriety, I Said, What the Fuck Are You Doing Standing Outside of the Liquor Store in Detroit, Freezing Cold?
He Said, I Can't Get Back, I Can't Make It Back, I Can't Get Clean and Sober Again, The Disease Has Built Up an Immunity to His Recovery, Couldn't Get Back, So Don't Be Doing That, It Is Not OK to Keep Going Out, It Is Not OK to Do That, And If You Do This, You Won't Have to Do That, If You Do These Actions, You Won't Have to Do What the Disease Wants You to Do, And If You Don't Do These Actions, You Will Do What the Disease Wants You to Do, Because We're Powerless Over That, Instinctively, Normally and Naturally, I Will Drink and Use, If I Don't Do These Actions, So That I Don't, That's to be a lot more than just admitting it, my friend, we admitted we were powerless, what does that mean to be powerless? That's exactly what it means, never mind the ways, never mind the air, never mind her, him, them, those, that, no, we're talking alcohol and drugs, you'd be an alcoholic addict like me, that's what I wanted to say, and I wish that I'd had more time, I usually do about two and a half hours, Look, my telephone number is 818-760-1346, 818 area code 760-1346, give me a call anywhere you'd like to, and I'll be glad to talk to you again, I love it, I love being an alcoholic addict, I love doing what it takes to be an alcoholic addict, I love doing what it takes to be in recovery, I love coming here, I love being among you, my only ambition in life is to be an old fart in cocaine and hoes, That's all I want, and for that I thank you, and if you want, Maggie over there has been taping this, I'd be glad to talk to you again, I love that, oh look, you know what this book describes, look, A-L-C-O-H-O-L-I-C-S, Alcoholics, A-N-O-N-Y-M-O-U-S, Alcoholics Anonymous, Now an addict is A-D-D-I-C-T, anybody doing drugs in compulsive trouble, OK, got it, but here's Alcoholics Anonymous, A life centered on helping others lives in complete sobriety, Actions, not our names, yield maintenance of unity and service, can you dig that?
And that's exactly what we do here, because that's what we do when we come here to Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and Alcoholics Anonymous, one alcoholic addict relates to another alcoholic addict, so that we can beat this mother of a disease, we don't have to do that anymore, and we all need each other, and I need you, so God bless, keep coming back.