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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 898 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: uke-self-acceptance-nasac-national-convention-2004.mp3 Duration: 00:18:22
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My name is Uke, I'm an addict. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's taken me a really long time to get here, to share, because I also don't share often, and to be clean. When I was 17 years old, I fell in love for the first time. And as a child, I always had this dream of marrying a red Indian, Apache. And then one day I saw this red Indian, and it turned out to be a junkie. So for six years, I carried the addict instead of the message, and it was really, really painful. I lost myself completely.
It was a very, very happy childhood. And I kind of thought that it was my job to go out and save the rest of the world now, and to give them what I had and they never had. Yeah, that doesn't work. I moved in with this guy, and it was a really, really terrible house that I moved into, which is also something I wasn't used to, just people everywhere, getting home, not knowing who's in your bed, blood on the walls. Eventually then his drug of choice became my drug of choice.
And yeah, I hurt myself a lot. I used to cut myself a lot, because I couldn't stand the pain, and that stopped working. And I tried to commit suicide a few times, and then I was just easing every day. When I ended the relationship, I went straight into the next one, another abusive relationship. And this was abuse from a whole different, completely different, it was really, really evil. And I went into rehab the first time, and I thought that I'd stopped a whole lot of drugs. This particular drug was a problem, because it was a physical addiction.
And I was in rehab with a whole lot of people who'd been to jail, and prostitution, and this and this, and quite frankly, I wasn't even addicted to cigarettes or coffee, so I wasn't an addict. I RHD'd after 13 days, and about a month later, stealing, and going to jail, and doing all those things. Through all of this, I started going to NA. I'd originally been introduced to NA through Naranon. And I kept on going, but I was using.
At one meeting in Cape Town, they made me the tea girl for about nine months. And I'd have to, before the meeting, go to my mother and ask for money to go buy the cookies and the milk. And then I'd go and set it up, go and use, come back, or go clean the ashtrays, come back. And they wouldn't let me leave that position, because it was the only way I was going to meetings. Because the drugs wasn't working, but I hated being clean. I don't think I, I mean, I wasn't really ever clean. I didn't give myself a chance. I was on my own clean program, prescription drugs.
And I came up to Johannesburg, and I went into treatment. Not all are willing and surrendering like some people do. I don't get that. I hated every single second. I'm an only child. I don't like sharing. I don't like sleepovers. I didn't like staying there at all. The only reason I stayed there was because I was forced there by my boyfriend, who's my husband now.
[00:05:07]
And whenever I wanted to leave, I packed my bags every day, and I'd drag it down the stairs and make the man who ran the place phone him. And he wouldn't come. And I didn't know Johannesburg, and I didn't know where to go. And then, like, one day someone drew me a map of how to get to Hillborough, and I even failed getting over the wall. And then, yeah. So I never had a plan to stay clean, ever. After about three weeks in rehab, I decided that I would just finish my step four as fast as I could so I could get out. But I was definitely going to use. Not even, like, just for today crap. I was going to use.
And I don't know what happened. I left, and I went to meetings, and one day became another day. And I still wasn't willing at all. It took me about between six to nine months before I surrendered. And I mean, I had to do a lot of things and play a lot of games with myself to stay clean. When I was two months clean, I went to Cape Town, and as I left, I didn't have a job, and I didn't have money, and no one at that stage had even given me a note of anything. My father gave me a hundred notes, and I kept it.
And no matter what happened, if I didn't have cigarettes or didn't have food, I kept a hundred-rand note and the dealer's number in Johannesburg, and it made me feel safe. When I felt like using, I knew it's okay, I can. But I'm just going to watch TV, and then I'm going to use, and then I'm just going to have a bath, and then I'm going to use. Anyway, so that went on, and then somewhere between six and nine months, I slowly started spending the money, and it was gone, and I didn't even realize. And when I went into treatment, I had no respect for myself, no love. In rehab, they keep on telling you to do loving things for yourself, and I had no idea what that meant.
And then one day, someone in rehab said, wash your hair. So I thought, okay, and I saw it there. My sponsor taught me silly little things like have a bubble bath, or paint your nails, and I really couldn't understand that. But I started doing all those little things, and a year came, and it felt really amazing. And then the second year came, and it was really, really, really hard. All these feelings and all these memories, and it wasn't just about not using anymore.
And when I was three years clean, it just kind of hit the fan for me, and I was in this relationship, and things became really hard, and I knew that I had to start working on myself. And I did, and it's all paying off now. I have the most wonderful life. I am content for the first time in my life. It's not like this anymore, and it is so incredible. I have things that I didn't have a thing. Today, the work I do is my passion. I love what I do. It is so rewarding. I teach little children. I have my own school now, and I married to someone who's always been there for me.
And there were a lot of things to learn. I didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. I had no idea. So I had to learn all these things. In the beginning, it was really easy, and I really had the need to create chaos. And learning little things like how to say sorry has been so important to me. I can say sorry today, and I can do something that I know will say something that's not healthy or appropriate, and immediately I can take responsibility and say, I'm really sorry I said that. I was wrong. And I don't have to go, but you said. And that to me is so amazing. I've learned how to put up boundaries, which is something I really, really struggled with.
[00:10:03]
Because I had no love for myself, I'd feel guilty if someone hugged me in N.A., and I didn't want them to hug me, because it was N.A., and we're supposed to hug everyone and give everybody our numbers. And I actually put up my first boundary at this Durban convention when it was here last time. And I felt so guilty. And I don't have that today. I immediately get that feeling when it's crossed a boundary, and I can just…
And I don't feel bad at all. I feel really good and strong. And that's something else that this program's given me, confidence. I used to blush when I had to say my name, [unclear self-introduction]. I refused to share. I've been to meetings where all of a sudden the speaker wouldn't show up, and they'd say it's a tag meeting, and I'd walk out, because I was so scared someone would tag me. And then the self-love thing, there's a little fly here, so I'm not crazy when I'm going like this.
Yeah, I love myself, and I can say that, and I put myself first. I really, really do. I take care of myself physically and spiritually and emotionally, and it's just… I didn't know it could be like this. I really didn't know, because what Dave also said last night, something about all you ever wanted was to be loved and cared for, and all I ever wanted was to be happy. I just wanted to be happy. And I am.
I have friends who mean a lot to me, and we spend time together, and I've learned how to be a friend, not to be selfish, and not to always make it about me, and listen to what they have to say. My husband said if I can't remember or think of anything to say, I've got to talk about the size of his penis. Um… Um… I'm a very, very lucky girl. I didn't mean that. Um… Okay, the blush is coming back.
When I was two months clean, I got a job through someone in the fellowship, which I'm really grateful to. And it's amazing how that just happens all the time. God just seems to really love me and take care of me, and I wasn't able to see that before. And today it is just so obvious. And I also don't know how that happened, the faith just kind of, I don't know how it happened, it crept up on me and it just came along the way.
Now today I just have this, like, calmness, and serenity, and, um, different way of looking at things. And the last few months have been a bit upside down. I've had to make my school big and I had to move and do a lot of grown up things and borrow money and all those things. And it's been really, really scary. But I've had this feeling the whole time that it's going to be okay. Like I just know it's going to be fine.
And, um… Am I carrying the right things?
[00:15:16]
So all I can really say is how amazing it is to be an N.A. and then I got everything back. that I ever lost and more. The self-loving thing that I did for myself last year is I went on to antidepressants and I know it's quite a controversial kind of topic in N.A. I decided to give myself a proper chance by doing all the right things, sponsor meetings and all that kind of stuff, and I went to go see a psychiatrist and I went on to these antidepressants and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself, knowing that it's not me, I'm not fucked up, it's just something in my brain, and that just by taking this pill now it's fine, and I love discovering these little things.
I don't believe that this is a program of pain and recovery is about being nice to yourself. So that's what I'm doing. I'm being very, very nice to myself. I don't know what to say. Coming to conventions has changed a lot as well. I've been to quite a few [unclear word] and it's not fun to use at a convention, and the last Durban convention I came here, two of my friends, the three of us walked together like triplets.
We held hands wherever we went. We couldn't go to the bathroom alone. It was very, very scary. That Saturday night I didn't even leave my room. The next convention after that was better. It was very exciting, but I still didn't really get that feeling and connect that much. And then last year was just so amazing. I just felt so comfortable in my own skin and that is just such a gift, just to be and to be able to talk to people.
And this year it's been a bit nerve-wracking just because I had to share, but even that, it wasn't that bad. All I really want to do is run around to people and go, it gets better, it gets better. I promise you it gets better. It took me a really long time. I don't know what it was inside me that kept me going back to meetings even though I was using, but I'm really, really grateful. Thank you for my cake and asking me to share.
Thanks.