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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 892 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: anthony-s-breaking-the-chains-nasac-durban-2003.mp3 Duration: 00:16:56
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I'm Anthony, I'm an addict. Sorry about that. I had a meeting today with a woman. I was referred to her in the line of business that I do. I've never spoken to her before, never set my eyes on her before, and I arrived there pretty nervous, like I am here tonight. Anyway, I introduced myself, we sat down and spoke, and after about ten minutes I gave her my business card. She had a look at it, and she said, I recognised the surname. And for a moment I thought that she possibly knew my brother, because he's also in the same line of business that I'm in. I said, is it my brother? And she said, no. She said, I know a man that used to be in Pretoria that was my travel agent. And I said, that was my father. She used to work for an embassy, and my dad used to do all the travel arrangements.
I had tears in my eyes. She said to me, he was the most caring, honest person that she'd ever met in her business dealings. A man of integrity. That's how I remember my father. Why I mention this, is that for me, breaking the chains towards freedom started with the passing of my dad, almost five years ago. My story starts when I was a little guy, maybe six, seven years old. I had a passion for soccer.
I loved football. I knew all the teams, all the players, and I used to play in my backyard with my friends in their backyards. But when I was about nine years old, I developed a hip disease, and I landed up in hospital with a broken hip. I was in a caliper for two years. I had to wear this caliper to school. I wore a raised boot on my other foot, and I felt out. I felt left out. I couldn't play soccer with my friends. I felt abandoned. I was angry. I was angry with my parents. However, I overcome that. I overcame that.
Four years later, my passion for soccer resulted in me being selected for the South African school side. I felt as I fitted in, I was part of a team. Although I had empty feelings and still these feelings of abandonment, I felt comfortable with the guys that I was mixing with and associating with, my peers. They introduced me to drugs, and this is where I felt most comfortable. I didn't want to be at home. I used to use drugs. I felt as though I fitted in, and I felt as though I was accepted.
I got to the end of my school days in matric, fortunately, and the following year I had to do compulsory national service, which I detested. My passion for soccer waned, and I got involved, more involved in drugs. I was hanging around with guys that were doing drugs, because these were the people that accepted me. I felt accepted. I had my first run-in with the law while I was in doing military service, but with a smart attorney and my parents, my dad, laying out large sums of money. I escaped a conviction.
The following year I went down to Grahamstown, to Rhodes University, not to study, but to be with my friends. They were all using drugs. I ended up doing lots of trips to Durban, stashing the boot full of weed and bringing it back to Grahamstown. I used to lie to my parents that I was doing well at university. I hated being at home. I didn't want to know my parents at all, and I really was directionless. A couple of years later I got involved in a relationship, and this was for the first time in my life. I felt accepted, loved, and through this relationship, or through this caring person, I went to university.
[00:05:22]
I managed to get a degree, but that relationship ended, and I was at sea. I didn't know what to do. I was insecure, and the only way that I could cope with it was going back to drugs. Again, I made contact with the friends that I used to use with. I was unhappy in my life, and I was basically again directionless. It was in 1983, which is 20 years ago, that I was introduced to the drug of my choice.
I used to do business with a guy that supplied me merchandise for my retail stores, and one day he came to my office and showed me a little white packet. He said to me, have you ever tried this? And I said, no. He said, well, why don't you? I promise you, this is the ultimate. Anyway, I did. You could twist my arm, I'd do anything just to get these good feelings, and that's how I started using the drug of my choice. At the time, my businesses were going well, I was making a lot of money, and I had access to the dealers in Johannesburg, but I didn't want to do the drugs on my own, so I roped in friends of mine.
Eventually, I started dealing in the stuff, and I was going through regularly to Johannesburg. My playground was Sun City. As long as I had my drug of choice, sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and that was what I enjoyed at that point in time. I didn't realise where it was taking me to, but within three years, I started to lose my businesses. I used to go to the banks. Being from an accounting background, I used to manipulate balance sheets, create fictitious balance sheets and cash flows, and the banks used to advance me money.
Again, I got involved in a relationship, and I managed to stop. I stopped using for about two years, until that relationship finished. Again, I was lost. I went back to using, not realising that eventually where I was going to land up. I lost my businesses, and in 1989, that's like 14 years ago, I was given the opportunity to go and join a financial services company, where I still am today. Thank God. I don't know how I'm still there.
Anyway, in that time, I battled dealing with relationships with clients. I used to go out with the guys drinking at lunch, and again in 1995, eventually I met up with an old using friend of mine, and again the using started over again. This time, I couldn't stop, and it was during this period, towards the end of 1998, that I lost my dad. By that time, I'd lost everything, lost my house, lost all the material possessions. The only thing that I still had was my job. I don't know how.
I'd lost friends, and I didn't have a relationship at all with my mother, my brother. I was very angry with them. My brother hadn't spoken to me for seven years. My mum, I blamed her for most of the… for not being there, from when I was a youngster. And I took two of my beloved friends, who aren't here tonight, by celebrating Shabbos. They're pretty religious people, Sally and Howard. I needed to make mention of them, because they basically got me on the road to recovery, started me on the road to recovery.
I went to see a social worker in Johannesburg, and she mentioned to me, go to N.A. She gave me the telephone number. It took me about three weeks before I made the call to find out where the meeting was. It was in fact the Parkhurst meeting. Sunday evening, I went. It was my first meeting. I sat next to a lady who'd just, I think, broken her ankle. She's hurting out. She sat next to me. And on the other side, there was a guest speaker that was talking, a guy in overalls, dirty hair, dirty jeans, and I thought, Jesus, I don't belong in this place. What am I doing here?
[00:10:20]
It was strange. I felt very on my own. I couldn't relate to what the people were talking about. I knew that I was down and out, and I didn't see how N.A. was going to basically get me to stop using drugs, and how it was going to show me a new way of life. I went back to my therapist, and she said to me, keep going back. Keep going back to N.A. And I came all the way. I used to come to Pretoria. I used to come to meetings. I knew no one, and there were many times that I just felt out. I felt as if I didn't fit in.
You know, people would sort of huddle in little groups, go and have coffee on their own. No one reached out to me and said, come and have coffee. And I thought, what a bunch of wankers. I really felt like that. And, yeah, until I met someone. Guy extended himself, and I started doing service until six months clean, where I was at a friend's house one night where one of our festivals, there was a bottle of whiskey on the table.
And needless to say, I picked it up, finished the bottle of whiskey with him, and I was on the phone to the dealer. I went into hectic binge for three weeks, and eventually I decided it was enough, that I wanted to stop using drugs. I went into a treatment center, and I found it very difficult. I was probably one of the oldest guys there. There were a lot of youngsters running around, and I just found it very difficult. I didn't trust the counselors.
My counselor said to me, I think three or four days before I left the treatment center, I think it's time you got a sponsor. And I asked him, I said, will you be my sponsor? He said, unfortunately not, but I'll give you a name of someone who I think you might be able to relate to. I phoned this man. He said to me, I'm a busy man. I've got lots of sponsors running around, relapsing, but I'll come and see you. I'll come and talk to you. I'm not mentioning his name, but just look at my eyes.
Greg C. came to see me a couple of days before I left treatment, and I think for me that was the turning point in my recovery. I was told that it's an easy program. All I need to do is go to meetings, work the steps, keep in touch with him, do service, and just not pick up that first drug. If I have any problems, if I've got cravings, pick up the telephone. At that stage of my life, I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean, and I worked closely with my sponsor. I did exactly what he told me to do. Whether he was right or wrong, I listened.
I think one thing also that I was blessed with, or maybe it was because I was at the depths of despair, is that I learned to ask for help, because I never used to listen. I thought I could do it on my own. As small a problem as what it was, I used to pick up my phone and phone my sponsor. Never once did he tell me to piss off or do anything like that. Excuse me for that language. But he's always been there for me.
My first year was basically trying to stay clean. I went to a lot of meetings. I worked the steps with my sponsor. Tried to do a little bit of service. In my second year, real issues, real life issues became a problem for me, and I had to start dealing with them. I made contact with an addiction counsellor who is also in the room tonight. She was one of the counsellors in the treatment centre that I was at. I felt very intimidated by her when I was in the treatment centre, but I knew that she was of the best. And I phoned her and I said, I need to come and see you. Two years down the line, I'm still working with her and I'm grateful for her help and her input. And that has basically been what I've been doing in recovery. My recovery comes first.
[00:15:26]
I've listened. I've listened to people in these rooms. I've gone to meetings. I've done basically whatever it's taken to stay clean. I've developed a relationship with my higher power. Something that I never ever had was a spiritual existence. This programme has given me spirituality. It's shown me a new way of life without using drugs. I think one thing that I can say here tonight is that even though I've broken or managed to break the chains of addiction, the link in the NA Fellowship, all the links are unbelievably strong.
And it's through people like yourselves that I'm grateful to. And I need to say thank you to you tonight. Because you've all made it possible for me to stay clean. You've carried the message. You've listened to me. You've helped me. You've been there for me. You're here tonight for me. And what I'd really like to say is I'm grateful and God bless you all. Thanks very much.