February 1948

From the February 1948 Grapevine a lovely young gal with a page-boy ade ago he was saying to himself, “If bob and a lovely elderly lady with this fellow hasn’t got the answer, the white hair. It was, in short, a typical river has.” AA meeting as to audience, but a new Horace introduced Bill who also kind because of its historic “firsts.” gave a brief case history of himself, The purpose of the meeting was recalling again “the man across the not to set a pattern for all meetings, kitchen table” who gave him his first but to determine whether there would inkling of the practical results of a be any interest and extra discussion spiritual power. Getting into a disvalue in bringing the oldest and young- cussion about the Steps, Bill said that est together occasionally. in his opinion, an alcoholic “is per- The six who have been members a haps half way well” as soon as he decade or more and who came out takes the First Step and admits, honfrom behind their whiskers to talk a estly and completely, to himself that little about those earliest days when he is powerless over alcohol. AA was newborn and almost still- When the meeting was thrown born, and their combined assets could open to questions from the floor, be measured in nickels and dimes – the eager interest of the newcomers . on some days – were: Bill W., who prompted a steady flow of queries with Dr. Bob of Akron started it all; that kept the greybeards on the edges panorama of AA firsts was un- into the downstairs room, the chairs Horace C., Bert T., Dick S.., Jack S. of their chairs for more than an hour. folded the other night in New were straight, hard and uncomfort- and Sim R. Typical of the democratic flavor of York City when several of its first able, the smoke became so thick that But the greybeards indulged in sur- most AA meetings, the newcomers members, including one of the co- from three rows away the chairman prisingly little reminiscing, although showed no hesitancy about probing founders, gathered in the world’s first was all but blotted out of sight, but it the return to 24th Street naturally re- the old-timers with searching ques- AA clubhouse in the first meeting of was “home” for many and altogether vived many memories of the past. tions and were even ready to debate, its kind and inevitably took up the wonderful. What interludes of remembering- six months against ten years, if the first question that so many ask: What The audience covered quite a when that the oldsters did permit answer given did not seem to commakes AA work? spread of years, both in and out of themselves were merely, as Bill ex- pletely satisfy them. Yet, there was An experiment in bringing together AA. Some of the old-timers in AA pressed it, “for purposes of identi- plenty of evidence of the deep a p some of the oldest “greybeards” and have been around for a half century fication.” The greybeards. reflected preciation of each other than runs some of the dewiest newcomers, the plus, though the glow in their eyes , the rejuvenating vitality of AA and through AA and it was spoken not meeting was held for members with and the smile on their lips belied it. showed that instead of retiring to only by the newcomers but also by either five years or more, and six Some of the newcomers were pretty some musty corner to yearn for the one of the old-timers himself, Dick months or less, in AA. Six who at- young, younger than the original good old days, they have continued S., who in discussing how his relatended could count more than ten members were when they first came to grow, too, and are looking forward tionships with people had undergone years of AA each, and several could in. It was a mixed gathering of men with confidence and optimism. a basic improvement since joining go up to six and seven. The meeting and women of many walks of life. Horace C. opened the meeting with AA said, “I am deeply grateful to 1 place was the old 24th Street Club- Doctors and-lawyers, business men, a brief reference to his own story the people who have come into AA house, and even as in the past when- stenographers, ex-GI’s, a number of and how when on his way to see Bill after me.” ever more than 100 people crowded seamen, an actress and actor or two, for the first time more than a dec- With Horace in the chair as a relay-

ing point, the newcomers asked the fellowship and brotherhood, honesty, questions and the old-timers tried to and so on. I can see how all of these give the answers. Practicallyevery sub- things help, of course. But no matter ject that comes up in AA discussions how I add it up or analyze it there is was tossed out onto the floor and something that I can’t quite define. I kicked around a bit, and then came don’t know what it is, or at least I the big one: What makes AA work? can’t describe or classify it exactly, Bill’s answer: “That question may but I know it works. That’s what I never be fully answered. Why AA call ‘The Great Intangible.’ ” works is fundamentally a mystery. Bert T. cited the three H’s: “I be- When we consider that for thousands lieve the three most important eleof years few alcoholics escaped from ments in the AA program are honesty their misery and that we are now wit- with self, humility, and helpfulness.” nessing a wholesale escape, that adds He also stressed the importance and up to a miracle. And a miracle is a the value of active prayer. mystery. Of course, we know that Similar answers, varying according AA has certain elements which have to individual interpretations and proved effective. We now can .under- viewpoints, yet following along AA stand, be understood and be under- fundamentals, came from Jack S., standing through our identification Sirn R., and other old-timers. Answers with fellow alcoholics. We have a came also from some of the newcomprogram for living through which we ers who had begun to feel that “this is can readjust our lives. We even use going to work for me.” the element of fear, applying the old After nearly two hours, the chairlesson of the child who finally learns man decided that it was time to “close that he’ll burn his hands whenever he the meeting in the usual way,” after touches the hot stove. We also have a which the coffee began to appear new, compelling interest, and because from the kitchen, and the audience drunks are usually bankrupt idealists, broke up into clusters of people, still a compelling interest is vital. Yet we talking, and laughing, too. know that all of the devices we used Perhaps it was a symbol of AA, have been tried before, at least separ- when looking across the room at that ately. We have lumped them all to- moment, one cmld see in each of the gether and added one more element. little groups one or two of the grey- Doctors call the latter ‘X.’ We really beards surrounded by several of the can’t explain it .” “youngsters,” and the murmur of Horace voiced a similar answer. “I voices telling that the word of AA call it ‘The Great Intangible.’ I have was being passed along from oldspent many hours trying to analyze timer to newcomer, and being passed the various elements of AA – the right back again. Twelve Steps, the group meetings, the New York. N.Y:

September

been necessary. And it has become derstood Him, we stilf had soma increasingly clear that the degree sneaking ideas of personal justificaof harmonious living ‘which we’ tion and excuse. We had to discard achieve is in direct ratio to our them but the ego of the alcoholic earnest attempt to follow them liter- dies a hard death. Many of us beally under Divine guidance to the cause of activity have received praise best of our ability. not only from our fellow A.Aa but from the world at large. We would be ungrateful indeed to be boorish Y Eboleths” 3′ , withal, there are no “shibin A.A. We are not when that happens yet it is so ety

The Fundamentals – – bound by the thongs of theological doctrine. None of us may be exfor us to become, privately perhape, just a little vain about it all. Yet, communicated and cast into outer fitting and wearing halos is not for In Retrospect darkness. For we are many minds us. in our organization and an A.A. decalogue in the language of “Thou shalt not” would gall us indeed. WV” all seen the new member who stays sober for a time, largely through sponsor-worship. BY Look at our 12 Points of A.A. Then maybe the sponsor gets drunk Dr. Bob Tradition. No random expressions these, based on just casualaobserva- . .. and vou know what usuallv ha~DeM. Left without a human prop,, the From Akron, Ohio in some retrospect regarding certain tion. On the contrary, they represent new member gets drunk too. He has fundamentals. Much has been writ- . the sum of our experience as in- been glorifying an individual in-

T . HE feeling that one belongs to ten, much has been said about the 12 and has a definite personal part Steps of A.A. These tenets of our in the work of a growing and faith and practice were not worked spiritually prospering organization out overnight and then presented to dividuals, as groups within A.A. and similarly with our fellows and other organizations in the great fellow. ship of humanity under God throughstead of following the Program. Certainly we need leaders but we must regard them as the human agents of the Higher Power and not for the release of the alcoholics of our members as an opportunist creed. out the world. They are entirely sug- with undue adulation as individuals mankind from a deadly enslavement Born of our early trials and many gestive, yet the spirit in which they The 4th and 10th Steps can not be is always gratifying. For me, there tribulations, they were and are the have been conceived merits their seri- too strongly emphasized h e r e is double gratification in the ~ l i z a . result of humble and sincere desire, ous, prayerful consideration as the “Make a searching and fearless tion that more than 1 3 years ago, an sought in personal prayer for Divine All-wise Prpvidence, whose ways guidance. guidepost of A.A. policy for the individual, the group and our various moral inventory of ourselves … continue to make personal inventory must always, be mysterious to our As finally expressed and offered, committees, local and national. … promptly admit it when we are limited understandings, brought me they are simple in language, plain We have found it wise policy, too, wrong.” There is your perfect antito “see my duty clear” and to con- in meaning. They are also work- to hold to no glorification of the dote for halo-poisoning. tribute in a decent humility, as have able by any person having a sincere individual. Obviously, that is sound. So with the question of Anonso many others, my part in guiding desire to obtain and keep sobriety. Most of’ us will concede that when ymity. If we have a banner, that the – first trembling steps of the The results are the proof. Their it came to the personal showdown word, speaking of the surrender of then infant organization, Alooholics simplicity and workability are such of admitting our failures and decid- the individual-the ego-is em- Aponymoua that no special interpretations, and ing to surrender our will and our blazoned on it. Let us dwell thought It is fitting at this time to indulge certainly no reservations, have ever lives to Almighty God, cu we zut- fully on its full meaning and learn . –

thereby to remain humble, modest, dividuals, the rebuilding of broken ever-conscious that we are eternally I~omcs.And always, it Ilas been the under Divine direction. constructive personal 12th Stcp work based on an ever upward-looking faith which has done the job. A LCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS was nurtured in its early days around a kitchcrl table. Many of our pioneer groups, sonie of o w most I Nweas naturally large an organization as ours, have’ had our share resultful meetings and best programs of tl~osewho fail to measure up to have had their o r i g i ~ ~ around that certaiu obvious stanclards of conduct. modest piece of f u r ~ ~ i t u r c with the l’l~cy hnvc i~lcluded scl~en~crs for coflee pot handy on the stove. personal gain, petty swindlers ar~d True, we have progressed mate- confideace met), crooks of various rially to better furniture and more kinds and other human fallibles. comfortable surroundings, yet the l~elotively their number has been kitchen table must ever be uppro- small, much smaller than in many priate for us. It is the perfect sym- religious and social uplift organi- 1)ol of simplicity. In A.A. we Lave zntions. Yet they have been a probno V.I.P.’s nor have we need of any. lem and rlot an easy one. They have Our organization needs no title-hold- caused many an A.A. to stop thinkers nor grandiose buildings. That ing and working construclively for a is by design. Experience has taught time. us that sinlplicity is basic in preser- We cannot condone their actions, vation of our personal sobriety and yet we must concede that when we llelping tl~osein need. have used normal caution and pre- Far better it is for us to fully cnutio~~ ill dealing with such cases, understand the meaning and prac- we may safely leave thcm to that tice of “Thou good and faithful I{igher Power. Let me rciterate that servant” than to listen to “With 60,- we A.A.’s are many men and womerl, 000 members you should have a 60 that we are of many minds. It will stories high administration head- be well for us to concentrate on the. quarters in New York with an as- goal of personal sobriety and active sortment of trained ‘ists’ to direct work. We h ~ m a n sand alcoholics on your allairs.” We need nothing of strict moral stock-taking must conthe sort. God grant that A.A. may fess to at least a slight degree of ever stay simple. larcenous instinct. We can hardly Over the years we have tested and arrogate the roles of judges and exdeveloped suitable tecl~niques for ecutioners. I

our purpose. They are entirely flex- Thirteen grand years! To have ible. We have all known and seen been a part of it all from the bemiracles- he healing of broken in- ginning lles been reward indeed.

, k, September 1948 7

An Old-timer Says: a We Forget to Duck!” From New York, N. Y. In spite of his knowing, “once an our actions each day. Check where good to get away by ourselves and alcoholic always an alcoholic,” he we could have been a little more think things through, honestly, hum- ~rnderstanding,or tolerant to some- hly, a3 we’d advise a newcomer to do. T HE question of persons, who after two, three, even five or more years of continued sobriety in A.A., “having trouble,” came is forgettiug the 10th Step. Envy has slipped into his thinking. Jealousies and resentments lurk within him- The fellows at the oUia or shop are one else-whether the time we blew up was really as important as we tried to make it. Let us try to re- I’d like to see the jdeas of others regarding this subject published in The A.A. Grapevine. It will help up in a discussion meeting recently. picking on him again-The wife capture the wonderful feeling we you to write it. It may help someone How to avoid the “trouLle” is an doesn’t understand him anymore- had when we first.came into A.A. who needs it and certainly it will important question. Other A.A.s are running, or trying We’ll usually find, as always, that help the newcomer to realize that It seems to boil down to something to run, the g r o u p T h e speakers a n the fault is within us. So let’s talk this is a continuous Program. To like Jack Dempsey’s reply to a ques- boring-He resented the fact that he the misunderstandings out. Let’s get full benefit out of it we must tioner, after Gene Tunney had flat- couldn’t drink with the other fel- give the other fellow the word of live it continuously-not just give , tened him, who asked, “What hap- lows at the company outing-Peo- encouragement that he needs. It is lip service-Dick S. pened?” The “Mauler” answered, “I ple don’t appreciate his staying soforgot to duck!” ber. We, too, forget to duck. We get These and a thousand other little out of practice. We learn early in things may be the slip he didn’t A.A. that we should practice the Pro- catch soon enough: gram continuously. That slip doesn’t We are never going to reach peroccur when we take the first drink- fection. The above-mentioned things it may have happened a day, a are insidious, but we can strive to month or a year before we take the keep them out of our thinking. They first drink. Indeed, I have observed are our weeds. Unless we remove cases where everyone but the chap them, they will choke out our correct himself saw it coming. Strangely thinking to a point where we will enough, no one can talk to the get into trouble. “slipper.” Usually he has been on Years ago I was taught by those the Program longer-dry longer and who preceded me that I must ever has all the answers. be on guard-that I’d always be an However, he has fast grown away alcoholic-Thank God I’ve always from the very simple Program he remembered it. learned when he first came in. That When we find envy, jealousy, reis kindergarten stuff to him. Through sentments, creeping into our thinkthe habit of not drinking, he feels ing, let’s weed them out. The simthat he is safe. ple way, it seems to me, is to review

RANK discussion, getting it out between 10,000 and 15,000 of us THE A . A . F i n the open just as they did with who’ve been dry successfullyfor four

GRAPEVIN~] their original alcoholic problem, has helped many to understand what has happened. In the early days and yeam or longer. What percentage are feeling disquieted and looking for new worlds to conquer there is, years when things are happening of course, no way of knowing. But with almost breathless rapidity we from a sizable sample it would seem get a terrific sense of “growing!’ We there are enough to make it somecan lee1 our personalities change. thing to consider on a movement- Consider the Old Timers- Progress, real and tangible, can be measured almost by the day. After wide basis. These people want to do somea while that slows down a bit and thing about it, get together in meetwe start to take charge of ourselves ings and apply the old group therapy ONSIDER A.A. “old timers”- emotionally. We realize we are be- again, only this time not to the direct those fellows who’ve I~cencon- coming adults, at long last. problems of alcohol. They don’t tinuously dry and hi~lbi)~ for -or Have They? By this time we’ve usually done a want to sing any psalms or beat any four, five, six or more yrnrs. Every- good share of 12th Step work, we’ve breasts or preach any sermons. But body takes tlien~for grantrd. They spoken at more meetings than we many feel an urge to dig a little have no prol)lems! Or hrrrv tl~ey? The No. 1 prol~+~, drinking, has A’;L of 11s have had spells like t l ~ r r ~ but have us~~ally snapped out of can count, we’ve served as group secretaries, on committees, and generdeeper into spiritual matters. So they’re going ahead, realizing that I “rccedctl” aln~ost to tltc vanishing llrem a s we canrc out of a Inore or ally run the gamut of A.A. activi- they are departing from the A.A. point. But it’s always t h w ! Kconom- less ron~ine “dq)ression.” Even ties. Then, consciously or uncon- script somewhat. ically they’re pretty well straight- those oddities of naturt=, non-alco- sciously, we “retire,” stand down to No one remembers better than ened out. Some, in fact, are already holics, have such lows. But a great let the newcomera take over-an these self same A.A.s why we don’t working on their second millions. many A.A.s have had “it” move A.A. Tradition. Then it is, appar- go too deeply into the spiritual The family snarl, if ally, has usu- right in, ~terched like a ghoul of ently, that we enter into a period of phase of the A.A. Program .in our 11 ally heen dc-snarled either in a re- gloom on their slroultlers, poking its stagnation!, We all understand regular meetings. I3ecause they know united brood, a new marriage, or a nose into all their afTairs. “Hmmmm! that we don’t dare stand still. If that the newcomer, frightened, Godcomfortable retreat to single bless- Not having any fun, not getting we’re not growing, we slip back. shy and skittish, can easily be scared edness. m~~ch lift, eh chum?” And any alcoholic should fear that off. We’re all pretty much convinced So what’s the prohlen~? There’s little danger of them tak- -and fight it. that, whatever our understanding of It’s not easy to describe. But it’s ing a drink. They’re not hysterical. So what to do? The OM “old God, he smiles his approval on our notle the less a r e d prol)lrm. Some I h t they ore concerned. They timers,” those WBBB boys (With method of letting each new drunk who’ve faced “it” and livccl with “it” l~lamcd themselves i111d kept their Bill Before the Book) probably had find his own way. say it’s a restlessness, an ~~nsirlisficvl vague fmrs ant1 clot11)ts to them- the same troubles. But they worked feeling, an unwilling I)oretlor~~.It’s selves. ‘I’hen, little by little, they them out individually and not much ET these old-timers have a new not mutiny nor is it ally criticism of 1xga11to find out [hat others feel the was said or heard about it. Y”thirst” and want to get on with A.A. It has come out of rrowl~crrto same way-usually along about the it. Some hove done it in small attack mcn and women whose faith fourth or fifth year. Some get it DAY, however, A.A. has groups, quietly. Others have sought and good works in A.A. are beyond carlier, some later. Some, apparent- r e a c h e d a point in years and in and found help outside A.A. in their all doubt. ly, never get it. numbers where there are (estimated) churches. Now another and larger

group on Long Island have begun all, whether dry 10 years or 10 regular meetings, patterned some- minutes. The& experimenters are what after the regular A.A. meet- willing to face the prospect of utter ings, but stressing the spirit~~al. failure which itself may teach. Af- Some of us are going to yell ter all, A.A. itsclf was founded on “Brass Hats!” “A hierarchy in trial and error! A.A.!” And point out that A.A. is The A.A. Grapevine ventures no no “cult!” They’re going to say, and opinion. We’re merely reporting. maybe they’re right, that if you’re Whatever comes of this particular looking for God you’ll never see Him project, success or failure, is of minor more completely at work than at an consequence. The main thing is, that A.A. meeting. if there’s a problem lurking in the That, in fact, may be what these A.A. woodpile, whether it be a mere experimental meetings will prove. growing pain or a genuine ache, If so, fine! These restless old-timers that problem is now out in the open. are not attempting to set up an “Ad- “Easy Does It-Live and Let L i v e vanced A.A.” with themselves as pre- and by the Grace of God, it too will ceptors. These meetings are open to get solved!

Do We Realize? ” E wonder if one of the reasons some of our newer members have been Whaving a little trouble in making the Program might not be becaule of the fact that so few people realize they are new members. It’s very easy, with our sensational growth in recent years, to see a stranger about the club and wonder if you’ve met him or not. Chances are in many cases that he feels a little out of place, if the older members don’t make him welcome. Some fellows who come up, of course, aren’t too shy to introduce themselves, but having someone show some interest in a new man who’s having trouble staying out of bars would certainly lend him a sizable hunk of moral support. Let’s see if we can’t meet some of the strange faces with an open hand instead of leaving them in a corner to fight their own loneliness. After all, when a man is new in the organization, he’s very apt to feel that all of his so-called ‘real’ friends are still in the saloons. Let’s not drive him back by appearing to be unsociable!’-A.A. Tribune

July 1949

results of the AA program in action. In her mind, she is planning a new Right here, at this psychological life. Now, at long last, she is going point, our defenses must go up! We to do the things she always wanted must guard ourselves carefully, for to do, but couldn’t because of her From the July 1949 Grapevine unless we do, our confidence might husband’s drinking. In this new lie, easily become overconfidence. This there’s little, if any, place for M. is a hairline distinction, 1 know; but Oh, of course, she assures herself, the right selection of attitude here we’ll go to meetings now and then, Complacency Is Insidious might mean to us the difference be- just to be on the safe side. tween continued sobriety for our At this stage, the complacent wife husbands and complete disintegra- not only has withdrawn in spirit A n d , like alcoholisnl, tion of everything we’ve achieved from AA, but, perhaps to soothe it can be a thus far! her conscience, has become openly The early marks of overconfi- critical of it. And worse than that, progressive disease dence, or complacency, are pretty ob- she begins to criticize her husband vious to all but the woman afflicted. for the amount of time he still The older wives simply quake in spends on AA activity.

T H E O LDER, more experienced members of AA tell us that complacency is one of the greatest whose husband has managed to roll up a substantial period of sobriety behind him. Yes, perversely enough, thcir boots when they hear the com- The result of such an attitude is placent wife suddenly begin to com- pretty disastrous, whichever effect plain about everything and anything she has on her husband. If he catches single enemies of sobriety and that, it is ourselves, the lucky wives, who in AA: The speakers bore her; the complacency from her, he’s on the once started, it progresses as rapidly stand in most danger of cornpla- meetings are too long, the seats are way out, and no one among us needs and insidiously as alcoholism itself. cency. And it all can happen quitc too hard; the people she meets there a crystal ball to forecast the future Very often, unfortunately, compla- simply! are dull and uninteresting. of that twosome! If, on the other cency first takes root in the nonalco- As the first years of sobriety roll Here, the older wives step in and hand, he is shocked, confused, and holic mate. I’d like to try to bring along, we know that certain changes attempt to readjust her perspective. hurt by this sudden change of attiout how easily complacency can take place in the habits and tcmpcr- Sornctimes, we find it useless to re- tude, if her constant criticism gets steal upon us; how, once it gets a ament of the problem drinker. It is mind this wife that a year or so ago him so low that discouragement sets foothold, it changes our entire men- our job, as nonalcoholic wivcs, to she was begging for help from AA; in, his sobriety may be lost. If, howtal attitude, not only toward the al- adjust ourselves happily and safely that she’d have sat on a picket fence ever, he is strong enough to maintain coholic, but toward AA itself; the to these changes. When the pressure if that would have gained her hus- his sobriety despite the domestic havoc complacency brings in its of worry about drink has becn re- band’s sobriety; that the speakers crisis, he reminds himself grimly wake; and finally, what measures moved for a considerable period of are in no way concerned with enter- that no one or nothing is going to we can take to guard against it. time, we are immeasurably relieved taining her (or anyone else); and stand in the way of his recovery. He Which class of nonalcoholic wife and delighted. We are grateful to the finally, that there’s a little thing redoubles his efforts at AA because , is likely to become infected with Higher Power, to AA, and to our called gratitude to AA, best ex- he has to, with the result that more I complacency? Certainly not the wife husbands! That awful feeling of inse- pressed by helping others! and more time is spent away from whose husband is new to AA, nor curity has been replaced by a new Complacency, like alcoholism, pro- the home. the wife whose husband has had re- and wonderful feeling of confidence. gresses swif!ly. In no time at all, His wife thinks he’s doing this peated trouble in trying to get the These reactions are natural, just, the complaining wife is missing open just to be nasty; so quarrels, misprogram. Generally, it’s the wife and right. They are the first tangible meetings on any pretext whatsoever. understandings, and sullen silences

take the place of the peace and con- about their sobriety, dare we, the tentment they should be sharing as nonalcoholic wives, feel differently? a result of his prolonged sobriety. A Dare we become complacent? No. wedge is driven between this couple, Rather, when we first experience a wedge so wide and deep that it’s that new and wonderful feeling of felt the rest of their lives! confidence, let’s cherish and enjoy it All of these things can happen, do to the fullest. But at the same time, happen, and have happened as a re- in gratitude for the gifts received, sult of complacency in the nonal- let’s turn to the newer nonalcoholic coholic wife. Certainly not one of us wife and try to give her some of our in her right mind ever wants to see warmth and hope and comfort. For her husband return to drinking only when we give unselfishly and again. How, then, can we guard our- fully all we have received is the selves against complacency? magic circle of AA complete – that Simply by hearing, believing, and magic, safe, and charmed circle accepting the words of the older, wherein we wish to spend the rest experienced members of AA, who of our lives! have maintained years of sound so- Why should we wish to leave this briety. How often have we heard circle? Here, we acquire that richthem state from the platform: “If 1 ness of spirit which comes only from am going to maintain my sobriety, helping others; here, with our best I must be ever vigilant; I must never and truest friends, we safeguard our relax my guard; I must never take husband’s sobriety; and here, we my sobriety for granted; 1 must really find the golden treasure which never become complacent.” all men and women seek – content- If these members feel that way ment and peace of mind! C. P.,Buflalo, N.Y .

– – September 1949

the here and now. Orientation We commonly speak of the new D OES the “old timer,” the individual who has been u and adjustment on both planes represent the sum of significant way of life that AA opens up and frequently assert that mere sobriety member from opwards of 9 . Have p human activities. is not the end of our aspirations three or four years rob/e but an incident thereof. Specifihiwe a problem? Is the problew really any dif- % .. A LLof the foregoing i s relevant to the situation of the “old cally, what are our personal aims, the aims of the movement for its timer.” If he is reaching toward constituents. Briefly, they are to ferent fror A Nine-Year ” ,*I: . maturity in the sense in which the enable the individual to occupy his that con- fronting Man word has just been used, he will proper station in life, to discharge his it juniors; if i s not, how States His Case “‘ji be faced with no serious problem. his obligations to his fellow crea- 13ut maturity involves, a s stated, tures and to assist him to fulfill

0 8 may the problem . be solved? Or, betteryebmay the Assuming that a spiritually rich and mentally satisfying magrowth and development. Thus, the process of orientation and adjnsthis strivings for what i s above the human level. Practically, this inment must begin a s early a s poss- volves his economic status; his situation be avoided Q , t, . before it becomes a serious poblem? turity is the of all of us, what issues are involved i n such an oG ible. It follows that the situation we are considering i s not merely relations to spouse and children, employer or employees and comiective? In the words of a certain that of the O.T. It i s the problem munity and state; his cultural and psychiatrist, the issues niay be also of the juniors, and some guid- Gerontology is the scientific recreational activities (revival of somewhat arbitrarily divided into ance might be offered to them old interests and discovery of new study of the phenomenaof old age. three interdependent categories: at the appropriate time in their ones); and his restoration to God It i s getting a big play these days (1) the issues involved in the development. and possibly return to religion. –what with living longer, siltisfaction of our bodily needs retiring earlier and facing a barren Perhaps a reappraisal of the and our earthly welfare; (2) the existence of boredom and inactivity-unprepared spiritual1y, emotionally and culturally for a period issues involved in our human interrelations; and (3) those issues function of AA would be helpful at this juncture, just a s the Foundation Trustees found it desirable a T “” movement, therefore, seeks to produce not merely case workers, constant attendants a t centered in our creative, spiritual which should be the richest in yenr ago to record a restatement meetings or Chautauqua s+akers and moral being. Our inner peace, their lives. of the principles governing its ac- but well integrated personalities our harmony derives from our stability and- our stabilit y depends tivities.Therein it is set forth that taking their place in the world and The analogy between the person 6 4 the movement represents a spirit-

grown biologically older and the upon a nice balance among the living personally and socially usefore -going categories. ual ideal in process of growth.” ful and rewarding lives. “old timer” in AA i s not entirely Most individuals work out their inapt. The future of each depends on whether he has reached maturity, that is, beceme fitted for growth and development for that 1 should N other words, we live or live on two planes. We function on the horizontal plane of so we may say that for its individual members the movement constitutes an instrumentality by job situation and adjust their l a m ily relations fairly soon. They usually also make a start on a spihuman institutions and human inter- which the individual’s growth and ritual orientation, but often fail to state and condition in life most development into full maturity may appropriate to the individual in relations. We should also direct carry it through. More frequently, oar activities vertically to some- be renewed and advanced. That is, they have done little of a construcquestion. And the way of achiev- the movement i s a means not an end, ing genuine maturity in the case thina above and beyond us. Our tive nature in the educational, culmind and spirit, our creativeness an adjunct in the attainment of sal- tural and recreational departments of each of these classes i s not and moral sensitivity transcend vation and n&an objective in itself. of their lives. llere becomes imwholly dissimilat.

portant the arousing of dormant emotional satisfaction of activities interests and engagements in new abandoned or never pursued, if he activities. Failure in this respect would enrich his life with greater leads to the loss of that zesi for purposiveness and significance, life which supports one during its there undoubtedly remain other vicissitudes; it leads to the ennui faculties for him to develop and of living death; the Program of green pastures to explore. This is Recovery i s not fulfilled. not alone the problem of the “old The “old timer” has caught timer”; it i s virtually everybody’s something of Albert Schweitzer’s problem. Properly viewed it i s not Reverence for Life. He has devel- a problem but an engaging opporoped new insights in respect of tunity which AA has put its mem-‘ spiritual values. He engages in bers in a position to grasp. altruistic activities. He knows the Just what course or program to difference between pleasure and pursue along these lines could be happiness. But if he has yet to the subject of fruitful discussion. taste the full .savor of living, to experience the intellectual and -R.F.S., Montclair, New jersey

October 1949 –

C d AVING been some years dry and only attending occasionally, 1 am greeted thus: “Where it. Anyway, I felt free to try because I believe Bill meant what he said in “Medicine Looks at AA”: *a have you been?” instead of “How Most strongly we point out that have you been?” adherence to these principles is A little bit nettled, I hear talks directed to the neG member saying, *’You will find thus and so to be . .. not a condition of AA membership based upon our experience the whole Program is a suggestion the case” instead of, “I found thus only.” and so to be the case.” AA grows apace and increasing I hear the spiritual phase praised thousands are making the grade-to the skies and material progress but I waslucky–I came in at a cited to prove its worth. time when AA was a means to an I hear AA praised to the skies end and not an end in itself. And a s the most wonderful thing on I get a little bitter at times. It is earth in such a manner that the written, “What man is there of you, speaker’s being a pan of AA is whom if his son asks bread, will also wonderful by inference. he give him a stone?” A lot of I hear the non-alcoholic unfavor- meetings put out that which I canably compared with the alcoholic. not use, whether it be a stone or not. I hear the expression, “This Program has worked for 80,000 people ES, I jumped from Step 1 to –it is not on trial–you are on Step 12. Did I leave out the trial.” “We” should be substi- spiritual? What is more spiritual tuted for “you.” than an admitted alcoholic doing I hear and read that you can’t his best for another alcoholic? take Step 1 and then take a running Does he need also to go around broad jump to Step 12, and I won- mumbling, “Allah, Allah, all praise der because that was the way I did to Allah?”–I&., Seattle, R’osh.

November 1949

tions which grow in importance a s curs in spite of the (oft forgotten) our lives become reorganized fact that our 12th Step specifically through the AA Program. provides for us to “practice these principles in all our affairs.” N this direction, I think, lies A s individuals our old-timers the answer for therestless “old- must overcome the conviction that Another timer” who no longer fits the niche has been instilled in them–that

t o new fieldshe has cut out for himself in AA, it is undesirable to be concerned Old- Timer’s but who i s fearful of leaving it be- about the evils in the world. When Viewpoint cause he has been conditioned the time comes after years of freagainst doing so through the years. quent regular attendance at meet- This conditioning has come about ings that the content of the talks not through limitations of the AA holds no novelty; when length of Program, but through popular m i a sobriety comes to be an actual VEN a quick look at the world despair fills the hearts of their conceptions of the Program. barrier preventing full accord with today reveals an endless va- people. Mass starvation confronts Traditionally ”No AA group or new members; when a chronic rest- . riety of economic, political and millions in Asia. The warfare be- member should ever, in such a way lessness sets in (as it does in cultural conditions that are crying tween capital and labor goes on as to implicate AA, express any many cases) then i s the time, I for correction. In too many areas with alarming persistence and there opinion on outside conuoversial think, when the old-timer should agnosticism, frustration and cyni* are many, many other situations issues–particularly those of poli- look for new fields in which to c cal brutality are the order of the aay, known to us all that need coura- tics, alcohol reform, or sectarian apply his hard won principles of 1 hlany causes for this grave sit- geous corrective action. religion. The Alcoholics Anony- honesty, humility and sacrificial uation have been given. Generally It i s probable that any AA who mous groups oppose no one. Con- giving. He should do this in the speaking, it can be recognized has read this far has also q u e s cerning such’matters they can ex- role of a seasoned, useful member that these causes all stem from tioned himself at least once whe- press no views whatever.” of society, not a s an AA. I am not mankind’s tendency to leave God ther he were reading The A.A. It i s impossible to exaggerate advocating that anyone break off out of his calculations. Human (;rapevine or some other publica- the importance of this attitude. It his AA association, but that the civilization has lost its spiritual tion. In A A it is not customary to refers to A A groups or to indivi- restless, mature AA should’make bearings. The Creator of this uni- have our attention called to the duals speaking for AA; however some other thoroughly worthwhile verse based its stability on law conditions cited above. Exclusive not to individuals speaking and activity his chief outlet. and order. When mankind ignores emphasis is placed on the problem acting in their own names. Yet, we this divine basis, the world gets out of joint. For instance, four years after of a1coholism, recovery from drunkenness being the first of first things a s it should be for us all frequently hear in meetings, ‘We are not reformers,” or “We are only concerned with alcoholism,” A N attempt was recently made on Long Island to provide an answer for the man we’re talking, the cessation of hostilities, there for a long time after entering AA. or, ‘There are no evangelists about through an experimental ‘, are no peace treaties between the here,” all stated in such terms meeting similar to a regular meetmajor combatants. Nation is still it seems to me that with that the individual i s a hardy one, ing but emphasizing the spiritual against nation and race against an increasingly large number indeed, who would care to admit and minimizing case histories. race with greed and self-interest of members accumulating several that he has an urge to apply his One AA member and one non-alcogoverning the councils of men. years of sobriety, the door should new kind of thinking for the bene- holic, speaking at each meeting, Whole countries lie in ruin while be opened to secondary considera- fit of mankind in general. This oc- attempted to provide material for

spiritual growth beyond that avail- fulness open to men and women able at ordinary meetings. Attend- alike which will benefit greatly ance fell off after several weeks from an influx of new life that reand eventually the meeting was generated alcoholics can bring, to discontinued because it did not them. The acceptance of new horifully meet the need. To many it zons by individual members of AA was not sufficiently different from will permit continued spiritual dea regular meeting to justify its velopment on their part and will at existence. Some of us believe that the same time bring to fruition the the required step i s to participate full promise of AA, which has been in the work of an existing outside called the most vital spiritual organization that isdoing areal job. movement of the century.–Bob D.; There are many avenues of use- Carden City, L.I., N. Y.

INDIVIDUALIST!

HERE have been many instances to prove that alcoholics, even after they’ve achieved sobriety, still retain some of their eccentricities and much of the delightful charm of the screwball. Recently Tom and Joe, two AA stalwarts who split about evenly between them almost ten years of solid sobriety, met for lunch. They were in Tom’s end of town s o he began to enumerate the eating places in the neighborhood. There was a fine German restaurant. Two blocks ovet was an excellent . Italian dining room whose meat sauce was out of this world. There was a fine sea food place. Or they could choose a world famous French cuisine, or Swedish smorgasbord. There was a Steak House and a famous Irish restaurant specializing in corned beef. Joe pondered the list most critically, tolling them off on his fingers a s he carefully weighed the merits of each. Finally, after minutes of d ~ liberation, he decided on the sea food place. Tom led the way thinking of lobster, shrimp, swordfish and scallops. They went in, sat down, and scanned the king size menu for several minutes. Then Joe looked up at the waiter and said, “Bring me a chicken sandwich!”

January 1950 . – — –

What About to participate i n the work of an existing outside organization that high-powered spiritual theorizers solving “an endless variety of eco- Skid Row i s doing a real job.” nomic, political and cultural conditions that are crying for correction!’

As a Start? W IiO’S in the phone book that says they’re doing the real What’s he worrying about starvatioll i n Asia for? The Navajos job–the kind that orthodox AAs in America have been starving for are interested in? years. What’s wrong with the How- A suggestion for old-timers Rut I’ll go along. I have an or- cry as a start for benefiting “manganization of my own that does a kind in general”? It’s too tough, who want something more real joh. It i s called the Downtown boys–easierto just set the whole Society for Picking Up Strange world back in joint again. Women on the Streets and Seeing They Have a Place to Sleep. And A’S safeguards admit the likes M K. 13OH D. of Garden City has struck me in the groin with his item in the November issue of to chop up otl~ers’ property, and heads. I3ob believes that behind a pious air hecan lash about at will. never mind the pious guff that you have any more right to recruit for . A o f me Meetings close with the Lord’s Prayer, and I stand The A. A. Crapevine and I wish llis opening pitch is that he is your organization inside A A than meekly. If you wish to worship a to answer. bored with AA. An old-timer, his I have the right torecruit for mine, Pekingese, I will stand aside *a In too many areas,” he said, worry about sobriety is far Iwhind the WCTUor a political party. You meekly. When you thrust the Peke * *agnosticism, frustration and cyn- him. The talks for him “hold no don’t like it that AA was set up at me, I reject you. When you say ical brutality are the order of . novelty. .lengthof sobriety comes that way, but it was. It i s purely the world i s out of joint for lack the day.” to be an actual barrier preventing and only aimed at sobriety. When of conformity to your standards, I am agnostic. Bob D. lumps m y full accord with new metnhers. . .” you change that, let me know; I want to get the hell out. You re- I suspect you. You are dangerous. You twist the plain words: “No spiritual values with frustration Yet he is “not advocating that and cynical brutality, in telling anyone break off his A A asso- vivalists mistake tolerance for ac- AA member should ever, in such a why the world i s out of joint, and ciation.. .” quiescence, because we listen way a s to implicate AA, express when a fanatic takes advantage of any opinion on outside controvergoes hl ithely on to propose repealthe Program’s spiritual emphasis . sial issues–particularly. .secing A A rules and Traditions. That’s just his springboard. I am not in the least concerned with whether M IGIITY white of him. I think he is on a dry drunk, a holy wino whose revived ego shines to start promoting his private doctrine. tarian religion.” Twist them to openly advertise in the official AA he struck me innocently or not; through more than anything he organ that our “chief outlet” should I’m convinced that rattlesnakes are inherently innocent. tie prelearned i n AA. The last time I got that cocky I was halfway through I WOULD recommend that Rob try a few rounds at some of be something “sufficiently different from a regular meeting”. .. sumes right makes might, that he a case of booze before I realized the hospitals and maybe some of which by the sheerest coincidence is right and that noonedare argue. * 1In every theologian there is a it was the Great hle talking a p i n . the jails–some real jobs in 12th i s already set up “.. .an existing Even the “Great Me” is an exist- Step work–but I know that old outside organization.” larval Torquemada. . .” ing outside organization1 evangelist pitch will turn away It is the overpowering assump- Carrie Nation believed her hat- Watch this Rob, now–he’s got more than are actually gained to tion of religious fanatics that they chet had been sharpened on high it all figured for you: “Some of us the AA idea. I still get around are right and everyone else wrong and that she had the right with it believe that the required step is where the drunks and wantingtcr that drives people out of their die fellows are, not amongst the paths. They call you agnostic with

a condescending h i s s which they but why can’t he just leave quietly? a r e smugly satisfied i s the sound Usually it’s the brand new memof you roasting in hell. bers who want t o rewrite the Hig Hook and reorganize everythin g .

M Y only plea here i s that Bob should keep h i s religion, h i s exalted thinking to h i s home and Along with most of my friends, I find AA not quite perfect but the best way offered yet–for sobriety, church, or hire a hall. Why isn’t keeping my spiritual seeking where h e content with t h e existing out- it belongs–find working t h e Pros i d e organization a s h i s chief out- gram a continuing process t o which l e t but must work so diligently t o the new members are necessary, form a n AA funnel directly into i t ? and a big enough job to leave no I s h e too blind to s e e that AA is time for boredom. That ‘*restless” immediately implicated? part–we ordinary AAs c a l l it dry His is t h e road t h e Washington- jitters. And work-them off without i a n s went down–to oblivion. When trying t o tear away AA foundations. you make t h e chief outlet spiritual T a k e another drink, Bob. There’s rather than t h e whole Program a s it a n old saying where I come from, stands, it i s no longer AA. If h e i s “Every time you take a drink, so fed up with AA, if he finds such things look different.” You’d come barriers between himself and new back t o AA.–A8nostic W h o Acmembers, if he i s jaded by lack of cepted AA on the Points Rob Denovelty–well, I am not surprised, rides, Bellerose, L.I., N. Y.

Closet Skeletons

THE is one of those p i e c e s where you have t o leave out the names. T h e central character i s a businessman- – a middle-aged guy–who had trouble with h i s motherin-law for years because h e had a habit of having a g l a s s of beer on t h e way home from work. T h e mother-in-law lived with t h i s guy and h i s wife and if h e wanted a bottle of beer a t home, he had t o sneak it into the icebox and then wait until t h e old gal retired for t h e night. Every time s h e caught a whiff of brew on h i s breath, the mother-in-law would read t h e riot act. Well, t h e other day, t h e old lady p a s s e d on t o her reward and was duly buried. After t h e funeral our hero and h i s wife were inspecting the mother-in-law’s room. In the closet, among other things, they found 157 empty whisky bottles.–George O’Connor, Binghamton N.Y. Sun

FEBRUARY 1950

out for himself in AA” is a part to disagree with Bill’s analysis of this growth and in a mild sort –all those who join the ranks ot of way, it is the suffering that is the “old-timers” will have work a concomitant of all growth. The to do that is beyond our present recent abortive experimental meet- comprehension of precisely just ings held. on Long Island were what is G d ‘ s will for us. A little evidence also of these growing wordy, but I think the meaning pains. Their sponsors should not is clear. Praying Only for Knowledge lose heart–the seeds they planted there shall one day take root in During the past three years I have seen ‘*miracles” and miramore fertile ground and become cles in the making. I have seen towering giants. sodden dissolute wrecks become and breathing bases his personal upstanding clear-eyed! men. I have S UFFERlNG is a concomitant of growth. Rehabilitation corn daily life upon the 11th Step. Prayer and (right) meditation do A A mosthasvital been rightly called. the spiritual movement seen emotronal five-year-olds become adolescent before my eyes bincs the essence of both a s every improve his contact with God a s of the century. History in the –men who are now well on the regenerated alcoholic knows. Du he understands Him. Praying only making is difficult to see in proper road to emotional matwity. I have Nouy, in his classic lluman Desfor know!edge of God’s will for us perspective by the participants, seen despair and hopelessness in tiny, revealed to the discerning eye that the purpse of evolution and the power to carry that out i s yet to some the vision has been the eyes of wives and mothers –the sole purpose–is the crea- the most powerful spiritual tool in granted. T o them it i s apparent replaced with h o p and gratitude, the universe for this is one prayer that the “old-timers” are the van- and for the first time in my life, I , tion of a perfect life form, and that that must be granted. Seeking guard of the greatest spiritual know the meaning of the word, man is the evolutive branch destined to become the perfect crea- through prayer and meditation to force yet to be manifested upon “joy.” And a question kept hauntture. Every sage, every saint that improve our conscious contact ‘ this sad old earth of ours. How ing me. What is the meaning of all ever trod the earth, said in one with God a s we understand Him many of these men there are in this? The whole i s comptised of way or another that the sole reason opens up avenues of investigation our present membership, comprising its parts–what is the Whole? for man’s existence is to become that are closed to others. T O such some 80,000 people, no one knows. Could I, one of its parts, stand off one with his Creator; not in some a one the wisdom of all ages grav- Bill said in the November issue of and see it a s it i s ? Are we the fuure life, on some nther plane of itates a s surely a s water flows The A. A. Grapevine, “the whole Good Samaritans of this age or existence, but here and now. Hux- downhill. It could not be otherwise of modern society i s on a dan- am I just being the same old selfky, in his Perennial Philosophy, for this is divine law. gerous and contagious ‘dry bend- centered egoist trving t o grab off says that man’s final end is union Many of the old-timers are aware er.”‘ Such being the case–and I a little second-hand glory? What do with Gad through the unitive love- of these truths. Some of them sus- doubt that any of us would be apt you think?–D.S., K e y West, Fla. knowledge of the Godhead. What, pect that this i s so, and will soon if anything, has this to do with the know it, for a s they grow in spirit problem of alcoholism and recovery they must likewise grow in knowlfrom drunkenness? edge of the truth. The restless- T k AA who has made the 12 ness of the old-timer “who no Steps a s vital to his life a s eating longer fits the niche he has cut The final test of will power is to see a friend with a black e y e and not gsk any fool questions.

December 1950 .- —

— — — -.- –. –

I T has been suggested that the restless, mature AA should make some other thoroughly worthagree that the “old-timer” should look for new fields in which to If we do not, A A will lose much of its effectiveness.–R. W., Daytona apply his hard-won principles of Reach, Florida while activity his chief outlet. honesty, humility and sacrificial I rather feel that if an “old-timer” giving. It seems to me that in A A is sufficiently grateful to A A for his recovery, no matter how alone will the alcoholic, no matter how long his sobriety, find the best WEwhoin in there is admire the fellow. AA pitching all of restless or mature he becomes, he outlet for these principles. the time -active in his group, will always keep AA as his chief always willing to take over what- I have no objection to a member outlet. I know that the 12th Step ever work is necessary, of AA participating in the work of -consuggests that we practice these an existing outside organization stantly doing something for the principles in all our affairs and I group and in general a real helper that is doing a real job, but this also know that the world i s in a participation should be secondaryat all times. But every once in a mess, with many pressing prob- to his A A work. . while we run into a dikrent type lems besides alcoholism. However, of a worker. This one may not join If we feel that the scope of A A it seems to me that, with at least the discussions, but is always work i s too srrall for our capacities two million persons in the United listening, never has charge of a to find their satisfactory outlet, States alone needing help, there we are missing something of the meeting but is always there with is plenty of work left to keep AAs, his moral support, an example for gratitude and humility which should including the “old-timers,” busy all members by his humility, his bind us to AA a s long a s we live. for the rest of their lives. We know continued life of sobriety and /iA principles are applicable to all that only the surface of the prob- whether an unfortunate has strayed the problems of life, but our parlem has been scratched. or missed meetings, he is always ticular job has been cut out for us I do not feel that the length of and ‘it i s far from complete. Wethere with his ever-present smile my sobriety has come to be a bar- to welcome him back. He is alneed all AAs, mature or otherwise, rier to full accord with new mem- ways there a s an example for for this work. Must we graduate to bers. I still would rather talk to a other fields, or can we make the newcomers and old-timers alike. I*restless old-timer” less restless new member than any other person Truly a group is lucky to have in the room. Therefore I do not by somehow keeping his memory such a fellow as an inspiration. green and his enthusiasm keen? –Frank, Vaukesha, Wisconsin’

August 1951

I OLD-TIMERS INTEREST LAGGING??

WHAT is to become of the old description of their drinking men in AA? I am referring to periences. ex-

the members who have been in What are other groups doing with around nine, ten or eleven years. their old men? What can be done They are tired of telling their stor- to bring beck that old enthusiasm ies over and over when they are they once had? I shudder to think occasionally called on and lack the that I may stop growing in AA patience and tolerance to listen to someday. the new members long blow by blow – E. T.G., Hartford Connecticut

– – August 1951 – –

A so-called old-timer has a very have turned our will and our lives deep responsibility to AA, not to over to the care of God, a s we unact, say or do those things which derstand him, we will be at war he knows i s not good for his fel- with ourselves and those around low member’s welfare. Since through us, and w e will miss that inner our sober actions we can prove to peace that all men who have been the one coming into our Fellowship able to be submissive to the will that we have risen above the mis- of God have found.

LD-TIMER? ery, hopelessness, and bad repute, and that we have started on the road to recovery, through a spiritual and revitalizing force that is Only now am I beginning to understand what an old-timer really is, A day to day living example of one who is willing to let this greater than we are. Greater Power work through him, We must of necessity for our own and that this Program really works well being, live the life for the for anyone who wants this new way of life, with no mental reser- We at long last do not wish to live vations, Then we become another w any other kind of life than the good spike driven into the structure of life a s we have come to know it. AA as a group of recovered alco- We have begun to rid ourselves of holics. our old ideas, and have come more From the last drink I took six and more to depend upon the God years ago, I give a little time each idea for us, (and if you cannot at day to the reading of the book, praythis time accept the God idea, let ing each morning for guidance for us call it the Good idea.) We have the day and not forgetting to thank 0 UR length of sobriety means only one thing. Insurance, through trying to the best of our someone else to try our way of life. If there were no old-timers, where or to whom would the new member learned through trial and error that God for carrying me through another love i s the right way for all man- day of sober living. Another thing kind. I do i s to remember that I mn un ability to practice the twelve prin- look or have a s a proof that this The old-timer has learned to s i t alcoholic, and that if I forget to ciples a s suggested in the book Program works? There is no one in back and be teachable, for we be- live the principles suggested for Alcoholics Anonymous. this world who would deny the regin to realize how much there i s my recovery, I will be right back covered alcoholic one day of sober to learn. We realize that we will where I started. We can only stand by and live living. We have had to earn it and never be able to fully grasp the I am aware that if I take a drink the Program a s we understand it, it i s ours by right of the Power full extent of meaning contained today, it will be a short time when and through the example of our day Greater than ourselves working in in our Twelve Steps, because we I am a s sick a s before 1 found AA to day ,sobriety, perhaps inspire and through us. are striving for spiritual progress, because my malady has been arrather than spiritual ptxfection. rested, but not cured. If I forget We begin to get a glimpse of un- the lessons learned in these past derstanding into the teachings of six years, and take that first drink all the great spiritual teachers who I have aroused the physical allergy have gone before, that until we that has been lying dormant all

these years. Those who have myself, that I have some insurance tried some research tell me they against that first drink, and there are worse than before joining are principles to live by which AA. It i s a progressive disease. shows me what I can and what I The meetings and the fellowship, cannot do. If I follow this daily, the new-found friends have created hourly if needs be, I will have in me a new mind and the obsession added another day of good living. has left t o desire a drink. But this In closing the only thing that I has happened only because each can pass along t o you i s this: day I have tried to live the life, If you continue your day to day faithfully following these precepts living the Program to the best of in the Book. your ability, you can’t miss being. So, being an old-timer means that an “Old-Timer.” I have learned some truths about — Mae, Mesa. Arizona

September 1951

Early Member

– _I — JThe followinq remarks were So I went back to my first measure, I find myself— acontributed by one of the first question. The defect was “marginal” member of Alcoholics 12 A.A.s in Chicaqo who was obvious. I ‘ve been dry more Anonymous. That means I rarely asked to write somethins for than eleven years, with the attend meetings, and even more the Chicaqo issue. The writer help of God and the A.A. rarely perform Twelfth Step is a newspaperman who moved to Program. The question should work. I blush to admit it, bit Washinaton, D.C. , a year or two have read: What has A.A. got I have drifted into a certain after he ioined the fellowship. out of me? snobbishness in this matter of The article doesn ‘ t concern the Now that the atmosphere is preaching the gospel of A.A.. I operation of A.A. in Chicaqo clearer, and under the cloak of would resent spending an but it does mesent a ~roblem anonymity, mY typewriter evening with anyone who wasn’t that older’members throushout fingers (four all told) itch to an “exceptional” case. the country’-,have come in cop a plea. In the Catholic church, we contact with.) What have I got out of A.A.? That was the first question – For a long time I’ve felt like that ingrate in the New ~estamentwhowas cured of-some malady by Our Lord, and didn’t call my kind of people ”candle burning Catholics.” They are the citizens who crowd the churches on Easter and that came to my mind recently bother to check in with Him Christmas mornings. As was once when I was asked to do an again, to give a simple said of an eminent movie star, article for the “all-Chicago” expression of gratitude. That they are ready to die for their edition of the Gra~evine. fellow has been the object of faith, but not willing to live Something was wrong with scorn for a couple of thousand for it. the question. It set unevenly years, but I can’t help but in my mind, like a piece of a feel sorry for him. He probably Humdrum Sobriety jig-saw puzzle that almost, but went to his grave with the doesn’t quite fit, and you try uneasy realization that he had I suppose you could to force it in anyway. I’m the received much and given little. dismiss my situation as a case worrisome type who is of spiritual draught. To an eventually overcome with shame A “Marginal” A.A. alcoholic in the bitter and if I force a wrong piece in despairing struggle of place in a puzzle, or peek at After all these years of decision, to a man with -thethe concealed cards in sobriety, during which I have six-inch shakes, praying for solitaire. received blessings beyond release from his affliction, either through death or through

– – – – – – The Rev. Edward o ow ling,– 1 success in staying dry, my rummies. We should find some r: problem would seem a little satisfaction by expressing our S.J., a St. Louis clergyman who silly. gratitude in deeds which would is beloved wherever A.A. s Yet I suspect there are a transfer the benefits of our gather, has said that sixth good many old timers in A.A. experience to the needy. step divides the men from the like myself, who feel that they When an alcoholic has the boys in A.A., and I’m afraid have somehow missed the boat, misfortune to slip the whole he’s right. After more than that they have come to accept route and get drunk after eleven fortunate years of the blessings of sobriety as months or years of apparent physical, if not spiritual the normal course events, and Success with the A.A. Program, sobriety, I realize with some are prone to forget that they, it is usually possible to put a chagrin that there are some like the newest and shakiest subtle defects of character finger on the reason for his- which I still cherish. In my member of the group, are slip. The sponsor who knows the suspended above the personal own way, I have been as devious background can see where the with myself as the drinker who disaster by the slender margin victim ignored or failed to of the first drink. accepts the first step with come to grips with some secret modifications, because I am. well aware, of specific step in the Program. course, of the impossibility of recapturing the spirit of exaltation that fills the once- ~t should be equally simple, in the case of those of 1 he wants to avoid the disastrous effects of drinking more than he wants to cut us who have been technically whisky out of his life. desperate heart of the dry for years, but who have 1 alcoholic during the “spiritual drifted away from the dynamic awakening 1 of his first six f practice of the Twelve Steps, “Willing and Ready” months of success with the A.A. to isolate the cause of our Program. In this period the failure either to achieve the Father Dowling, in an daily exercise of a normal life article published by The fullness of the program or to Queen’s Work of St. . Louis,’ is as thrilling as the sight of return to it what it has given — .— – – — – the physical world to a man who to us. emphasizes the difference has had the cataracts lifted between llalmostwilling,l1 which from his eyes. Sixth Step His Answer the sixth step might have said, I and “entirely ready,” which it ‘ Technically Dry As I look into my own does say. case, I have an uneasy feeling “This Sixth Step is But somewhere between that that I have been paying only impossible without the love of sense of exaltation and the lip service to the sixth step, God based on a humble sense of other extreme of humdrum in which we “were entirely reparation, thanksgiving, and acceptance of sobriety there ready to have God remove all adoration,” he said. must be a happier medium for us these defects of character.” spiritually dried-up old

.- If a jaded old member of Rededication or- A.A. like myself really chewed up the Sixth Step carefully, he As I go back over this might realize that he was copy, I can see some of my old violating that Step when he time associates in A.A. became impatient with the snorting with justified tediousness of some . group irritation that I ‘m crying with meetings, when he tried to a loaf of bread under my arm. shove off on the more eager Why don’t I stop feeling sorry beavers the duty of visiting a for myself and use the tools at strange prospect, or when he hand to rededicate myself to shrugged his shoulders over the the Program, and give back a failure of some bumptious little of what I’ve had from character to solve the drinking it? problem. I’m too languid to argue the point with my aggressive Short on Tolerance colleagues, however. Maybe I’ll get around to doing something This is more than a about it one of these days. academic question of spiritual I just hope nothing capacity, because if I came happens in the meantime. down drunk next week, I would need from others the patience, the charity, and-the tolerance which I presently find myself in short supply, because of my unwillingness over the years to read the fine print in the Sixth Step.

October 1951 The rank and file of the group run second and, perhqps, greater gift. things. Our secretary and treasurer If we stop with sobriety our Program are always newer members, and becomes static. If we follow through they only carry out the wishes of in the AA Way of Life by activating the sroup. We have no dictators. the suggestions of the 12 Steps it New secretaries are elected each is continuous and developing, with year. Our chairman for the month the rewards of maintained sobriety, i s usually selected from the newer individual growth or maturing remembers and is also selected by sponsibility, a changed thinking the group. and confirmation of the wonders The membership as a whole of a Higher Power. makes it known that the old mem- THE bers are not only welcome, but are If Old-Timer is tired of telling needed. They have s o much to con- his drinking experiences perhaps tribute to our discussion periods. that is the explanation why he is In any group, if the newer mem- “Only occasionally” called on, bers will be as considerate of the Why not, outside of briefly quali- “old timers” a s the “old timers” fying a s an alcoholic, drop that — wherein the Grapevine r e a d e r s were of them when they came into story of events leading up to so-

offer s u g g e s t i o n s to old-timers — AA, there will be harmony. Everyone has to practice the briety and substitute the measures taken to maintain it for ten years. Golden Rule in order to make any That would be a vital story to Newgroup a nice place to live in. comer and Old-Timer alike, some- — T . J . F., Cleveland, Ohio thing that could be applied to the N Page 47 of the August issue 24 hours that constitutes . today. 0 of the Grapevine there i s ar) article by E.T.G., Hartford, Conn. interest of the old members in that they were properly indoctrinated And that awakened audience inter* into AA at the start, and made fully est might cause the word “occaentitled “Old Timers Interest Lag- aware of the fact that they would sional” to be erased from his ging.” I have been a member of be alcoholics for the rest of their speaking engagements. AA for 11% years, and in our group we have five other 10 or 11 year members, and one member of almost lives. We have also tried to impress onevery member that sobriety I T’S rank temerity for a young- “What are other groups doing ster to accept the challenge with their old men?” That query found in the August Grapevine un- alone indicates, for me, the need without happiness in AA means 14 years. All of these members are that the job is only half done, and der the title “Old-Timers Interest of a change of thinking, For the active, and attend meetings reg- only AA activity can really make Lagging?” I do, however, with problem i s basically one for the inularly. US happy; doing something for strong emphasis on “it’s my per- dividual rather than the group. Old- There are dozens of others who somebody else. sonal opinion.” Timer is looking outside of self were original members of our group In many groups the newer mem- For me attainment of sobriety is for an answer forgetful that pobwith nine years or more of sobriety, bers resent the old timers. This i s but the iirst gift of AA and the lems are not in outercircumstances who are active in many other groups a bad situation. We have overcome maintainence of that sobriety, alone but partially at least within in and around Cleveland. The se- this by having a s little supervision through the suggested AA Way of ourselves. For that, it seems to me, cret of our success in holding the in group activities a s possible. Life, a s personally interpreted, it’s the Tenth Step i s very helpful in

I would getdown on my knees right now and pray t o Cod t o restore your sanity, or perhaps you should go out and have yourself a drink just one – when you get through with that “one drink” you would certainly b e on your k n e e s a s k i n g for help. Perhaps you have for g ott e n that there is no seniority in A A ! T h a t y o u are n o further away from a drunk than I am, a member of only s i x months! In fact I think you are closer t o that first drink than I am if you believe you have stopped growing determining what h a s been done or in AA. l e f t undone by t h e individual that Resides, we need you old timers contributed t o t h o s e outer circum- t o give u s new members faith. s t a n c e s arising. I believe it will How could some of u s have faith d o much t o reawaken interest in t h e in t h e Program if itweren’t for liv- Old-Timer himself and be of h e l p ing proof that it works on a pert o t h e group in t h e maintenance manent basis. of their sobriety. I thank God that we have old – M. A.J., Lenox Hill, New York timers of t e n y e a r s standing. It g i v e s me hopesthat I c a n d o it too. — A.B., Fresno, Cali/ornia

E T.G. of Hartford Conn. who wrote “Old Timer’s Interest Laggin g M wonders what will become of t h e old members of ten or e l e v e n years, who a r e tired of telling t h e r e stories, who l a c k t h e patience and tolerance t o l i s t e n t o t h e new members. He a s k s what c a n b e done t o restore that old enthusiasm h e once had, Well old timer, if I were you,

November 1 9 5 2

L I C K I N G ALL TIIE ‘LASSES OFF

w e a r e finding more and more of t h e o l d s t e r s becoming t o o complacent a n d s t a y i n g from meetings, l i t t l e realt o s t r u g g l e along as b e s t they can. I’m not any t o o old in AA myself a n d I know I f e e l better when the oldi z i n g what their p r e s e n c e a n d verbal s t e m who have weathered many s t o m support m e a n s t o t h e fledgelings. are pnscnt. Some a r e s a t i s f i e d with their sobriety 1 have heard my father u s e t h e exand a r e enjoying t h e things they want- pression, “He licked a l l t h e ‘ l a s s e s e d but were unable t o do b e c a u s e they off h i s bread a n d then called him po’ couldn’t s t a y sober. Now t h e y s e e m white trash.” when a person had bet o be f o r g e ~ t i n ghow hey attained their friended another t o the f u l l e s t e x t e n t sobriety. O t h e r s u s e the little fric- a n d t h e befriended one had l e t h i s t i o n s t h a t pop up now and then i n near- benefactor down. Ann’t t h e o l d s t e r s ly a l l ( ~ o u p as s a n excuse. licking t h e ‘ l a s s e s off t h e AA bread I imagine Adam a n d E v e got a l o n g by their conspicuous a b s e n c e ? L. P. pretty well i n t h e Gardenof E d e n when Frankfort, Kentucky. t h e y were the only two there but when t h e ” begats” came along differences of opinion (friction) arose. So i t i s with t h e AA Groups; ae w e enlarge, d i f f e r e n c e s a r e bound t o a r i s e , then w e hear s o m e of the o l d s t e r s s a y i n g “I can’t afford t o r i s k my sobriety a n d go where there i s s o much bickering.” L i t t l e d o t h e y r e a l i z e t h e bickeri n g ~a r e l e s s o n s in tolerance which w e a l c o h o l i c s h a v e s o little of and s o badly need t o acquire. Here a g a i n t h e fledglin g s a r e forgotten and left

October 1953

Who, J o e B l o w ?

He’s Retired! visiting various groups, 1 There it is, my friends. There is W have noticed HILE a stock phrase used the word I have been groping for,. in the reply to the question, “Where rerired. Maybe these members figure is So-and-So?” That phrase is, “He that AA teaching is like money in doesn’t get around as much as he the bank. Get enough of it together used to.” Most often the ones who and you can retire! Newcomers need were missing were ones who, in my the wisdom older members have opinion, had a million dollars worth gleaned in AA. It would be rather of good, solid AA to dispense. sad if the newcomer had to seek out I called these people “Sometime the older members’ place of retiremembers,” or “Once-in-a-while mem- ment. And did anyone ever know of bers.” I tried to be a little friendlier one case of “carrying this message to with them in an effort to bring out the other alcoholics” from a place of recause. Sometimes the reasons were tirement? legitimate. Many, many times they AA teaching, like money in the were not. For instance, the old ex- bank, must be replenished periodicuse of being tired. Now, who the cally. We’ve all heard about memhell was ever too tired to go out to bers of long standing who have had a bar for the night? And, anyway, a slips. W e wondered how it happened. meeting is just the medicine needed to Maybe they were retired’ and spent chase tiredness. Or maybe the weather their assets. wasn’t just right. Did the weather Thank God my sponsor wasn’t in a ever stop a drunk? state of retirement when I needed him. Last Saturday night, a speaker at I pray that I’ll never have enough our open mecting mentioned the con- AA wisdom stored within my poor dition I have described above. She brain that I will get the feeling that said she was amazed to find that many I should “retire.” of the older members have RETIRED. H.S., k k c Ronkonkoma, New York

February 1954

program at all we nust embracc it in our own. We learn and grow through its entirety. W e must add to c:x lilrns rcpetAon, t l s same way we learned constantly in uldcr to kwp our statui thc multiplication tables as kids. in motion towards good, or positivc, Now when we cease to be willing or upwards. We must learn something to learn and to grow spiritually and every day, at every meeting; some- emotionally towards maturity, when thing of the spiritual, something of we lose interest in expanding, when living. There is plenty to learn-the we try to mark time with life, we besource will never go dry. W e must come restless. When we become restkeep the motion in the right direction. Iess we lose our peace of mind. When W e must expand our spiritual under- we lose our peace of mind we become standing, our conscious contact. W e unhappy. When we become unhappy must learn more good of ourselves, we dislike ourselves. When we dislike develop more talcnts into abilities, ourselves we lose our seniority. correct more shortcomings, leave more We slip becaust we are not of the old selves behind. ing the program now which is A lifetime can be, and will be only time we have, the eternal now. spent, achieving progress in spiritual, So working the program, embrat lng emotional and mental maturity and it in its entirety must necessarily be a E VI:.RYTHINC in life is in motion. Inside . d l solids the electrons in a11 departments of our lives: business, home, love, play, soul. Our learning love and understanding. In every way wc must move our lives continually expanding act of motion in the “good” direction. whirl like asteroids. All gases are in attitudes arc constantly undergoing the ahead, always being willing to learn. fierce motion. The air moves con- “motion of change” towards morc Sharing ideas doubles, in each of us, 1. V. R., Culver City, Calif. stantly. The tides come and go. Our good or less good. W e are either earth is moving in several directions moving away from resentments, fears, all the time. All the worlds are in envies, criticisms or we are sliding motion. Our galaxy is hurtling through back down through them again. W e space at a terrific rate towards some are consciously expanding into faith, unknown destination. Space itself is love, humility, understanding, or wc expanding. are contracting, shrinking away from So life itself is in motion, is ex- these goals. W e are either doing betpanding. W e cannot mark time with ter in these departments or worse. life. There must always be motion, a Nothing stands still . . . least of all movement upwards or backwards, to our thinking. the left or to the right, expanding or It is the same in AA. We cannot contracting, progression or digression. mark time with Living. We are either Nothing stands still. using the principles more or Icss. We And so with our thinking. We arc either fitting them into more placcs either think more constructively or in our lives or into Icss. There is no less constructively, more positively or in between. W e must grow or recede; less, better or worse. The same is true expand or contract. If we accept thc

November 1954

Are There Any Old-Timers? much has bccn writtcn and said Then too, the very prcscncc of the Soitbout thc “old timcr” latcly that I oltlcr member may offer cncouragemcnt to the ncw man. It may help would raise thc question, “What d o you mcan ?” him to believe that if yoti catt t ~ j a k11,~ W e who have bccn in AA for a /hen ~ u r e l yhe can nlso. considcrablc time arc perhaps no older W e arc proud of AA and all that it in the understanding of thc AA pro- stands for. Without AA we would not g r i m than thc younger man. N o one, be sober and happy today. Our homes rcgardlcss of the time spent in study and families might not be with us, of our program, will ever know it all. m d we would not have the ~ C J ~otC It is too large and too dccp for that. ~nintl nor enjoyment from life we I’crhqx it is true that we have had have today. Inorc cxpcrience in sponsoring a man Put up with the old timcr. He still into AA, but think of the failures wc has a placc in AA. He may help you I~avchad. ‘I’hink of the mistakes we steer thc ship of sobriety. W h o knows, have made. Think of the many things he may even follow after, and pick u p we might havc done and left undone. rhc check whcn it seems hard for Indccd, our knowledge is so much others. lacking. Aftcr years in AA we find that we but we also have success and the joy must still live just today. Time past w have over evcn one “who makes ‘ means nothing because no matter how the grade” makes up for the failures much wc would like to recall, we can we havc had. not d o a thing about what happened And why do we attend so many then. Neither can we live tomorrow meetings and take the active part we today. That is something not even do? Well, first and foremost, it is our born and of which we cannot yet have group, and our meeting, and we enjoy a part. So, as always, we can live only every minute of it. Besides, we always today. Don’t wish for tomorrow. You find something we want. Whether we may not be here to enjoy it. Just live hear a good speaker o r a poor one, if today and thank God that you are here we listen we will always hear someand sober. thing that will make life a little easier or better. D.McK., Bowling Green, Ohio

May 1955

W H A T D O WE EXPECT OF OLD- TIMERS? tul to 111stcllou. Inm. In /\A .~nciout. one must dccide when and whether it LLALL that he is or hopes to be, that moist friend so that I could get him man owes to AA, yet he hasn’t What more d o we expect of him? is either dcsirable or safe to decrease It was never intendcd, I am sure, his attendance at mcetings. And I am into a hospital. It was done without even the gratitude to come to meetings hesitation. that, as time went on, we should limit convinced, too, that any protracted abany more.” About three years ago, while our the periphery of our interests to the sence from mcetings would be a dan- Thus, paraphrasing Lincoln, sat in zedous young novicc was still tossing confines of the group and its activity. gerous practice indeed for those whose newly sober judgment one of the eager the pot and the pretzels, (he old-timer Let us hold fast, by all means, to the mastoid areas are still damp. . . . beavers of our group, a rider of the practices and principles which saved For me-and by the grace of God I gradually became interested in other Pink Cloud. directions, all the while maintaining us from the abyss, but it seems to me am in my eighth year-more than two The old-timer of whom he spoke his sobriety ;in4 his observnnce of the that the ultimate goal for us is a re- weeks without a meeting, or without had many years of sobriety behind AA principles upon whi<11 it rested. turn to and integration with society, some association with my kindred him. H e had scrved our group in H e took a ieading part in a boys’ or- and participation in such constructive of the jug, is to pour boiling water every capacity, from coffee jockey to ganization. The tempo or’ his activity civic, social, and religious activities as on the ice immediately underfoot. program chairman and back again. H e most strongly appeal to us. Granted, I may not reach for the in his church stepped up. I lcarned had done his full stint of Twelfth of at h s t one recent an~1SUCCCSS~UI AA is, and–God willing-always ruckus juice at the end of that two Step jobs. Only recently, liavinz in Twc!f:h Stcp job he did that our will be a wry prcscnt help in trouble, weeks, but my thinking will surely tow a hyper-devout worshipper at the group never heard about. the fountlntion upon which our SO- have strayed from A/\ and the drunk shrine o i Bacchus, I went to him on a NO, he does not come to meetings briety is hnsctl and a part of the divine that I was, Like the Whiffenpoof lamb Sunday to get a check cashed for my now. Yct !ie is sober, serene, and help- blueprint hy which our lives may be which pursued the devices and desires reconditioned. Dtrt tlicre is nothing of its own little black heart. Stay away in the A A philosophy, 3s 1 understand too long and I, too, may plaintively it, wbich would put such blinkers on be bawling “Baa, baa, baa!” our eyes as would blind us to all else, And as for that old-timer, he’s or restrict us exclusively and indefi- sober. He’s vigilant. He’s useful. He’s nitely to its activities. happy Each man must be his own judge of Any q~rcstions? wlnt it is best for him lo do. Each P,rx uobiscln~n! Anonymous

plate, and that is becoming the for- indefinitely. He will continue to take

Do& Shoot the Old-Tmer! gotten man (or woman) in the group, someone to be taken for granted. H e doesn’t want that because he needs his rightful part in all group affairs. H e will do his share of Twelfth Step work to the best of his ability. He you, and your friendship and under- plans never to deviate from his patstanding, to keep on growing. tern of sobriety which has been suc- So, a salute to the “young blood” cessful for him since the beginning. Ed. note: t h e following three pieces were picked (almost in AA! Let us continue to work to- I feel that the quantity of sobriety a t random) from a eteady stream of m a i l we get by, to, gether, side by side, for the common is just as important as its quality. from. a n d about t h e old-timer- what h e means t o AA a n d purpose of a mutually benefiicial One is as indispensable to me as the what’ AA means t o him. sobriety, reconciling our differences other. There is a progression in the when there are any, with a proper re- attainment and fulfillment of our gard for the feelings of one another. sober goals which only the passage of LDBR people probably will remem- in our group and don’t always step These are some reflections of a time will bring about. 0 ber signs similar to the above which were displayed at one time in aside to give the newer member greater scope for his energy and adivimember who has just celebrated his Please, guys and dolls, don’t shoot Tenth Anniversary in AA, one who this “old-timer.” He’s doing the best public amusement places, referring to ties. isn’t mad at anybody. This “old-timer” he can! lowly piano players. Still, we are alcoholics, too. We’re expects to go on attending meetings At~ovynrorrs, New York A little sad music, professor, while only one drink away from disaster I unburden myself. just as you are. If we don’t keep In AA, it’s the lowly old-timer (an moving in AA, both mentally and unflattering label if I ever heard one) physically, we will fail to improve our W H A T D O WE EXPECT OF OLD-T I M E R S ? who is a target for a lot of shooting. sobriety. W e must remain active to survive and continue. Sometimes the he is or hopes to be, that moist friend so that I could get him H e is blamed for many things, from fuddy-duddyness to a deficit in the desire for a drink may come just as “A manthatowes LL to AA, yet he hasn’t into a hospital. It was done without group treasury. (At this point let me unexpectedly to us, after years of even the gratitude to come to meetings hesitation. shed a few furtive tears of self-pity). sobriety, as it may to someone com- any more.” About three years ago, while our When the going gets tough, a few paratively new. The latent compulsion Thus, paraphrasing Lincoln, sat in zealous young novice was still tossing of the old-timers barricade themselves is always there, ready for an upsurge. newly sober judgment one of the eager the pot and the pretzels, the old-timer in storm cellars, but the rest of US The so-called old-timers need you beavers of our group, a rider of the gradually became interested in other ride out the storm until it has abated. and your fresh eagerness and enthusi- Pink Cloud. directions, all the while maintaining W e remember that our sobriety is just asm for the program. In my case, it’s The old-timer of whom he spoke his sobriety and his observance of the as important to us as the sobriety of always a stimulating and encouraging had many years of sobriety behind AA principles upon which it rested. newer members is to them. experience to know you. W e even him. H e had served our group in He took a leading part in a boys’ or- W e grant, however, that you may like to share, although it’s vicarious, every capacity, from coffee jockey to ganization. The tempo of his activity be right in some of your criticisms. in your AA “honeymoon period”, so program chairman and back again. He in his church stepped up. I learned ‘ Perhaps we get a little smug at times. that some of your newly-found won- had done his full stint of Twelfth of at least one recent and successful W e do have a tendency to become a der at the miracle of your sobriety Step jobs. Only recently, having in Twelfth Step job he did that our little over-proud of the length of our will rub off on us. tow a hyper-devout worshipper at the group never heard about. sobriety. It’s possible, too, that some There is really only one thing that shrine of Bacchus, I went to him on a No, he does not come to meetings of us are unintentionally over-active an old-timer is reluctant to contem- Sunday to get a check cashed for my now. Yet he is sober, serene, and help-

ful to his fellow man, in AA and out. one must decide when and whether I What more do we expect of him? is either desirable or safe to decreas It was never intended, I am sure, his attendance at meetings. And I an that, as time went on, we should limit convinced, too, that any protracted ab the periphery of our interests to the sence from meetings would be a d m confines of the group and its activity. gerous practice indeed for those whos Let us hold fast, by all means, to the mastoid areas are still damp. … practices and principles which saved , For me-and by the grace of God us from the abyss, but it seems to me am in my eighth year-more than tw* that the ultimate goal for us is a re- weeks without a meeting, or withou turn to and integration with society, some association with my kindre4 and participation in such constructive of the jug, is to pour boiling wate civic, social, and religious activities as on the ice immediately underfool most strongly appeal to us. Granted, I may not reach for th AA is, and–God willing-always ruckus juice at the end of that twc will be a very present help in trouble, weeks, but my thinking will surel: the foundation upon which our so- have strayed from AA and the drunl briety is based and a part of the divine that I was, like the Whiffenpoof lam1 blueprint by which our lives may be which pursued the devices and desire reconditioned. But there is nothing of its own little black heart. Stay awa; in the AA philosophy, as I understand too long and I, too, may plaintive11 it, which would put such blinkers on be bawling “Baa, baa, baa !” our eyes as would blind us to all else, And as for that old-timer, he’ or restrict us exclusively and indefi- sober. He’s vigilant. He’s useful. He’: nitely to its activities. happy. Each man must be his own judge of Any questions? what it is best for him to do. Each Pnx vobiscum! Anonynou.

July 1955 in my \ V J ~ \v:!II I i ~ l xiounge &- Jrc sad. Sornctlmcs I’m bo anxious tlor rived from self-will and hence thc to forget either that I get mixed up “wisdom” I sought frustratingly nevcr In the order. Sometimes I start imcame? Was my serenity a sometimc mediately upon awaking, thanking thing? A thin frayed cord, held for the sobriety I haven’t yet d i e d loosely while 1 complacently believccl for. It doesn’t matter. He knows. He I “had it made” because of past knows. rough going I’d weathered, past in- Go with me, though, back to my ventories I’d taken, past improvement first meeting. Not the big open one, in character defects (those most ob- first by actual date, but the firs; otre. vious to others). after the slip–a discussion (neighbor- 6. Dry Drunks? Depressions? Naali. hood type) group. Not for me. There sure was some- The town is unimportant. Look in thing wcong in the thinking of those from outside. An old store, hanging who admitted them and were seeking light bulbs, 3 long table, coffee mugs. help for them. the Steps on the wall, about twenQ OR old times’ sake, listen a bit, will 3. Open-mindedness? To a degree, And so I went on, blandly unaware people. (I know only three.) Go in, Fsays,you”think please, and as a friend of mine but was I truly so open-minded as 1 on it.” was at the end of t!~e second year? of the approach of the Big Flip. N O determined not to talk. “Who’ll yox need to go into it. Can anyone de- I~elp?) Sit down, far end of table, Briefly: after eight years of continu- Inclined, I see now, to expect others scribe Hell, mental Hell? Thank God sip your coffee. You find yourself ous sobriety, I got drunk. Let’s face it. with anywhere from five years sobriety only a few of us can know what it’: smiling at something a speaker says It was not a slip. It was not a relapse. up to have improved the lreas of their like to have had years of freedom down the table a way. Each one iu It was an out and out drunk. character defects to the rmct extent and to awake one morning hog-tied succession speaks. A sober year later, as I write this, that mine had improved. But wait! in the same prison. To feel like the Suddenly it’s your turn. You open I’m still exploring the why of it, for how clearly could I see those defects thief who stole roast beef, imprisoned your mouth to say how nice to be I dare not slide into any of my former h e y still had, despite their old-timer on bread and water. Meals at home visiting. It doesn’t come out that way. pre-drunk thinking, lest it happen category, and how conveniently blind had not been sumptuous perhaps, but The tears come, your lips shake. you again. was I about my owu. oh, the choice-freedom of choice- talk and d k . You can’t recall later Let’s take the seventh year, the one 4. Gratitude? How did it slowly, be it between beans or potatoes. what you said except that here, HERE before the drunk: imperceptibly slip away? Was it when No use taking you along on the is HOME, may God never let me for- 1. Meetings? Sporadic. Sometimes I moved to another town where I’d road back, so much rougher than eight set it again. And nobody is scornful. once a month, sometimes four a month. never been known as a drunk? Was it years before. No use trying to de- Nobody goes out the door cynical Sometimes once in one, two, three or when I started to think of myself AS scribe the misture of heartbreak and about AA because you didn’t make it four months. a nice normal integrated with a gratitude when I encountered one with from scratch. Everybody smiles. 2. Twelfth Step? No brand-new misty recollection of an dlergy to the exact story, except-here, therr They’re glad. Glad for you. Glad for calls; I felt newer members were morc alcohol? Was it when I mixed for the wm gred dam.rge, like a punch-drunk themselves. effective. Still do, but now I am not first time in years with people who fighter; there I saw bitterness; there. And now a year later I know that in the too-far-away-from-the-last-drink- drank, and became rather proud and oh God, there but for the Grace of it’s not important that I’ve lost my category, so don’t honestly know if pIeased and smug that “Thanks, no” God am I. place in chronological line. It is imthis was a contributo~factor. Speaic came so easily? And now, each day and night, the portant that I love those still up them. at meetings? My yes, I grew bored 5. Serenity Prayer? Was it when I “Please Gods” and “Thank you Gods” It is important that they never ceased listening, so often. started trying to cha?zgr my obstacle

to show their love for me . . . which tory can forestall a similar niglit~nare.I is why I write this: for any in my doubt that if anyone had said these same position who hesitate to return, same things personally to me at that and for any “gray-beards” or their time, it would have helped. But if I counterparts who might be having had read it in the Grapevine-who a year-preceding-a-drunk like mine. knows? Maybe for them this after-the-fact his- Anort., Sun Frart~isio,Cali/.

sources being tapped flow more and At least that’s my own opinion- – _ more easily. and it’s firm and unwavering-at least Continuing the discussion of length of sobriety, So I love it more-and love work- for today! another member suggests in a ing more at it. Anon., New York Cirj letter to a friend

Another point of view on

Let Quantity Help Quality The Challenge of Normalcy Dear Jobn, cffect Good new Iiabtts become stronger for bcing practiced longer. ;new member of AlcohoIics time. His family and loved ones be- In your last letter you said you Ind Years of familiarity and work with Ti:onymous who has attended only come complacent with his new-found faith that patience can help to dispel the Steps and Traditions develop a few meetings is full of hope and happiness because they do not under. the tensions you find building up at greater ease and skill. Rehearsals of faith. H e is sure that this new way of stand the true nature of his problem. . times. And I’m so glad to be re- avoiding drinks, or thoughts of a life is the solution to many of his ills The glory and praise wear thin and the minded of that. drink, or thoughts that lead to drinks, and he is looking forward to the time man who was once the town drunk is I think it does make a difference make the performance easier, more when he can say, “I have one year of now Mr. Average Citizen. Sobriety how long we’ve been sober. I dis- natural, more an ingrained part of us. sobriety.” He feels that he is floating might become monotonous becwx of agree with the sweeping bromide that This is held out as no inducement on a pink cloud because he has over- lack of insight or acceptance. Realism “it’s not the quantity of our sobriety to complacency. It is not a suggestion come the one evil in life that has been has come into play to spoil the honeythat counts . . . it’s the quality.” The that some drfensts can bc softened or a stumbling block to his success. With- moon. quantity ccm make a difference becausc overlooked in our continuous battle out these shackles curtailing his every The phase of the AA program that it C ~ I Iimprove the quality. with the insidious, ever-alert encmy. move he feels free as the schcol child is very important is the one following The value of years of sobriety can The longer we fight him the more we on the first day of summer vacation. this so-called honeymoon period. The be greater than the value of a few respect him and appreciate the vital He now has time to do things that new membcr begins to recognize the months of sobriety. necessity of keeping evcry tbol of the he has wanted to do for years. He can challenge of normal behavior. During It is of course true that one day of program bright and shiny with never- play golf, go fishing, be a part of this period attendance at meetings is sobriety of a deep quality is better ceasing use. society in general, and still be free particularly important. This is a transithan unwilling weeks “on the wagon.” But some relatively new member from thc desire to drink. This is a tion from dependence to a somewhat Everybody-sober twenty years or aftcr an unhappy dry gear mag won- revolutionary period in his life. He independent state. Now the application twenty minutes-lives in AA only der if it rcmains for 311 of us a bitter, can look at things in their true perspec- of AA philosophy bccomes vital to one day at a time, and is equidistant growing strugglc. tive without any thought of drinking. survival. (the reach for one drink) from a For this ten-year-old. the answer is, As time passes, thex new experi- Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t make drunk. it gets easier and happier and there’s ences give way to routine living with- us immune to problems: material, do- But repeated days of happy AA so- more strength available now thm out the bottle.” Like the child two mestic, or financial. It does provide briety and growth hwc a cumulative therc was at first. The inner rc- weeks after Christmas, the luxury a means to attack these problems wears off afid he is faced with the through realism, objective thinking, task of living in reality, for the first and desire. W e in AA are fortunate

to have a program whereby we can social problems known to man. They and feel a part of the AA program stay sober in spite of his dunging discipline our every action. To the are in a better position to meet this by SO doing. This being the case, we position. He will accept his changing new member of AA, seemingly im- challenge because of the desire to be cannot d o r d to evaluate a person attitude as moral and spiritual strength possible obstacles can become enlight- realistic, mature and objective in their according to his or her philosophy. and continue to grow in this wonderful ening challenges through the applica- thinking. Sincerity is the hallmark of quality program. tion of this philosophy. Those who stay sober in AA live. in AA. If the new member is sincere The AA program is for you. Know W e have all heard of peace of mind with their defects. Thq recognize in his desire to overcome excessive your needs and meet them with AA’s and serenity in AA. I feel that thex them and are constantly striving to do drinking and destructive thinking, then ncver-ending supply of wholesome two explrssions are grossly misunder- something constructive to control thex some of the above situations should guidance. stood and perhaps over-uxd. This emotional problems. Through disci- not become a burden to him. He will Sgr. Bill, San AN~O&, Texas pments a picture of complete harmony pline and constant vigilance, the agand kcord to the new member. Total gression, self-pity, remorse, resentxrenity and peace of mind becomes ments, hate, guilt, intolerance, and But. . . Are We Ever “Normal”? the objective. Whm this condition is selfishness give way to a positive, obnot reached, the new member feels jective approach. AST night at the regular meeting inclined to agree with the fourteenthat the AA program has failed him. He might again slip into obscurity if We have to live with others in AA as well as on our job. The new mem- L our group . held a discussion period. One of the topics talked about month man. What the six-year fellow forgets is this: this hypothetical onehe succumbs to this first challenge. ber should accept or reject the philoso- was whether a member who has legged man may lead an exceedingly Older members in AA are neither in phy of others with an impersonal achicved a long period of sobriety normal lifc apparently, but if, after complete accord nor without problems. attitude. The expression, “Everyone should take it for granted and assume retiring, he should forget he had re- They are not infallible. They are is entitled to his or her opinion” is a he is normal. Arguments flowed for moved his artificial leg and suddenly human and subject to a11 the complex very good one. Wc can air our beliefs and against this theory. spring from bed, hc would fall flat One six-year man said he was living on the floor. He is ablc to lead a nora normal life, much more so than be- ma1 life, yes, but he is rtor a normal fore AA. H e considered himself nor- man, in my opinion. mal. So with an alcoholic. With the help A fourteen-month man said that he of the Greater Power and AA, he also disagreed. He felt that if a man had, can lead a very normal lift, but for instance, broken a leg and it be- should he forget his disability for one came stiff that man would never again minute and consider himself perfectly be entirely normal. Since alcoholism is normal, it might lead him to take that an incurable disease he felt that an one tiny drink. Then he, too, has alcoholic could never be redly normal. fallen flat and it may take him much The six-year man answered that longer to pick himself up than it comparison with the statement that he would the man without a leg. Yes, it knew a man who had lost a leg and is true, an alcoholic can lead a normal who now danced, swam, hiked and life, but I fcel that it would be dani otherwise lived a completely normal gerous folly for him to assume that life. he is a camplctcly normal person. That may be very true, but I am 0.L.C., Bridgfon, Maim ( C o n h i o n nf four relared articler be~inningon page 31.)

– November 1955

How Much AA Is Enough? Four members explore an unanswerable but ciety, taking part in the daily activities ings as he requires to keep his convicinteresting question . .. of his family and the whole community. tions and philosophy on the right track. For years the alcoholic lives in the Those alcoholics who go througb discussion about “Old Timers” As I see AA, it has two basic T HIS is both amusing and pathetic. AC- tenets: To regain and maintain a 1) cording to the basic philosophy of AA state of physical sobriety; T o re- 2) sodden dream-world of alcoholrsm, surrounded by wet alcoholics and livthese first two phases of a return to normal life and enter into the third ing for the next drink. stage of recovery-an attempt to live there are never, nor can there be, any turn us to a normal way of life. Both Then for a number of years he in a world of alcohol as normal people “Old Timers.” W e all subscribe to of these are lifetime goals and not lives in another world, the AA world -are again pioneering, paving the the theory and proven fact that basic- measurable except in heartbeats. But of dry or near-dry alcoholics. During way for the newcomer, as we did in ally the only difference between one for the sake of convenience let’s use this time he eats, sleeps, drinks noth- the past when we pioneered AA. member of AA and another is one the man-made measure of time as a ing but the atmosphere of AA, in We’re on an uncharted course drink–the time consumed in one yardstick. many instances to the nearly total ex- but if we can succeed we will prove heartbeat; so the only time element is By this method after about five clusion of his family. beyond doubt that the AA program one second. years we start to class ‘members as He comes then to the third stage, works and the alcoholic is worth True enough, some of us have been old timers. At the end of that time “a normal life.” In this world hc ing. W e may be of more help to around AA for a longer period of the member has usually been pushed will associate with drunks, drys, alco- the newcomer in this way than as the man-measured time than some others off the top by the influx of new- holics, non-alcoholics, a11 manner of horrible example of a venerable saint and on this is hung the “Old Timer” comers. If he has worked hard and people and philosophies of living. of AA who is to be worshipped from title. diligently on himself and been active If he has thoroughly convinced him- afar. It seems to me that some people are in his AA community he is then ready self that he is an alcoholic with an in- Although I owe an everlasting debt taking the phrase, “a way of life,” to enter the second phase of the AA curable disease, held in an arrested of gratitude to AA, I believe that it’s in a very restricted sense, to imply program. state. then he can survive-provided time the newcomer ~ i c k e dup the that we must stick to the tight little A normal life is one that permits he continues to practice the principles check and began supporting the thing world of alcoholism. drunk or sober. the individual to move freely in so- of AA in this4new world. that’s been given to him. He need attend only as many meet- I.F.H., San Diego, Calif.

April 1956

ity. Cowardice is not humility. What removal, but the Lord will positively HUMILITY passes for self-pity is not pity but selfhatred and self-contempt. Jesus did not remove it unless we do our part and use what courage we have. Repeated failure and reproaching not tell us to love our neighbor and hate ourselves! He did kt think ourselves bitterly for it will not p r ~ . . . the Voice of Experierzce highly of the one who buried his talent. duce humility, as I know only too well. When I was digging ditches He who tells himself he is no good there was no one in the state of Caliis a liar and a blasphemer: there is fornia with any less humility than I good in every h&an being. It takes had. I gloried in failure and the becourage to admit you are wrong, and lief that I was worthless. lots of times it takes twice as much to I also had to learn that just feeling say you are right. helpless and forlorn would not guar- The tree that bends its limbs with antee God’s help … I had to do something about it myself. “Whm you fruit is humble-not the one that has pray for potatoes,” the saying goes, a couple of wormy apples on it, and is proud of being a non-producer. “reach for a hoe.” Another thing: I don’t believe God An inferiority complex is not humil- loves us when we hate ourselves, and ity but the exact reverse. It arises from I don’t believe we can ever really like an unconscious ideal of superior others unless we like ourselves. “TO worth, which no one could live up to. e k is human, to forgive divine.” And Cowardice is still a defect, and cour- oh, how strange! We have to practice age is still a virtue-no matter how this in regard to ourselves as well as you describe it in psychiatric jargon. others. An old-timer (who waited three years to put down what The Lord told Job to “gird up his Man, was I sick! And I’ve only just he believes he learned from his slip that occurred after loins and answer like a man.” He many years’ sobriety) speaks, it seems to us, with both begun to get really better. Although I didn’t tell him to lie down and quit. have not had a drink since February humility and authority To surrender does not mean to lie 2, 1953, I did have a relapse on goof balls ii October of that -year which IN order to live and stay sober 1 had confidence. I think that what I have to make a real inventory this time discovered in two years of intense down and quit, but it means to do all you can with every resource at your lasted ten days. disposal, surrendering the fruits of Old and new friends in AA have -nothing like the superficial one self-analysis would be of some help your action to God and accepting his been a tremendous source of e n c w made years ago. to other “old-timers” who have had will as to the results. If we really agement. They never condemned and The usual AA inventory that I have trouble, although my thoughts have practice the Third Step, and do not always wanted to help, and do you heard is a tale of over-confidence, not crystallized in any organized form. become swell-headed by what we deem know what I found? When I dug conceit, blaming others for our This, at any rate, is what I had to to be success then neither should we deep enough? I still had a heart and troubles, etc.-in other words, the ac- learn in order to want to live: be cast down by what we regard as there was a little love left in it. To cepted AA version of egotism. In Humility was my greatest need. failure. love is to live, and where is there a sixteen years in AA I have never met Humility does not consist of self-con- We have to admit that we are full better place than AA to find that out? a single alcoholic with any real self- tempt. Self-deprecation is not humil- of fear, and then we can pray for its 0. I., Escondido, ~alifomia~:

May 1956

from me, and as perfect as the abso- Well, I asked questions, I read the THE OLDTIMER iute principles in the Twelve Steps and Third Legacy Manual and, because I Twelve Traditions. was interested, I was invited to attend IN THE BACK R O W In view of my rude awakening the the General Service Representatives other evening, that sure was a silly meeting as an observer. It’s been a attitude to have! revelation! SPEAKS UP The other evening at our group I learned that my individual opinion meeting, the secretary read an an- about AA affairs is needed. That it’s nouncement about the meeting o!: another kind of Twelfth Step work, HIS article is an attempt to prac- point, which is about worldwide M but that you have to put yourself into T tice the Tenth Step. 1 was an services and the General Service Con- General Service Representatives for our area. I was sitting in the next-to-the- it if you are going to get anything “average” kind of a drunk and I am ference. Until recently, they didn’t last row whispering with my neigh- out of it. My opinion, and every AA an average AA member. A short time mean much to me. bor about a “pigeon” who was having member’s opinion, is needed to help after I came into AA, I helped make Frankly, the Conference delegates some trouble. I figured we weren’t form the group conscience which the coffee for my group and got a sounded to me like a bunch of “would- d i s t u r b i n g anybody. Furthermore, guides AA as a whole. ‘ real kick out of doing it. The next be big shots” and it was hard to since I wasn’t the General Service Rep- In the last five years my group has year I served a three-month term as imagine what they did when they got resentative, why should I bother listen- been asked many times to voice its group secretary and learned how im- together in New York every year. As ing to the announcements? Then, a opinions. Where, oh where had I been portant “Easy Does It” and “First for the New York Office and the letters couple of members turned about and when such matters as changing the Things First” can be. It’s been some and bulletins that came from there- “sssshed” me. name of The Alcoholic Foundation to time now since I’ve held a job in my well, the New York office in my mind Boy! Did I get a resentment. But the General Service Board of AA was group, but I’m pretty active in Twelfth was always “Bill’s office,” and I com- I shut up, for just then the announce- considered? Because it was just an- Step work and attend my meetings placently let it go at that. It never ments were over and the last speaker other AA business meeting, I wasn’t regularly. occurred to me that they had prob- was introduced. However, I couldn’t there. I had purposely stayed away. Perhaps you’re wondering what all lems to solve and needed guidance to + listen very well. My inner conversa- Some members had gone and had this has to do with the Tenth Step. Just meet the needs of our growing AA tion went something like this: studied the issue at stake and tried to thought it best to give you my back- Fellowship. Bill, the office, and the answer it and other questions. Here ground before discussing the main Conference all seemed far removed are some of the matters that they con- Ego: Why do they have to make this kind of announcement in sidered and advised on: should the a group? If they bore me, a groups waive their group discounts on newcomer must be ready to the AA Big Book and The Twelve jump out of his skin! Steps and Twelve Traditions to build Voice: Get honest! Didn’t you up the reserve fund needed for the listen eagerly to werythingdidn’t you hang on every an- safety of our worldwide services?; nouncement and ask questions should the General Service Representawhen you were new? Wonder tive Plan be approved?; should Alcowhy you lost your curiosity? Perhaps it’s time to start asking holics Anonymous be incorporated?; again! should AA have a Twentieth Anniver- Defited Ego: Well . . . maybe . . . sary Corwention in St. Louis in 1955? Yes, that’s a good idea. I’ll and so forth. . . . Others had given start right after the meeting and ask about the G.S.R. meeting. their time and effort to try to mder-

‘”*

stand and answer ao that the voice of member. It makes me an active put old-timers last year at our Twentieth to have and to hold for, so long as the group consdence could be heard. of AA as a whole. That is, if I take Anniversary Convention, where Bill God may wish our Society to endure.” The Group Representative reported action and put something into it. I declared: “The Third Legacy of May I have and hold a service heart the group’s opinions to the District don’t necessarily mean money, al- World Service will henceforth be for in readiness for daily action. Committeeman. The Committeeman though that is important too. It has its place, but the $2.00 per member all members of Alcoholics Anonymous M.E.S., New York, N.Y. in turn reported the opinions of all the groups in his District to the Area per year which is suggested as a yard- Delegate so that he could know how stick is a very small amount. his area stood, in general, on these The things that have come to mean proposals and could go to the annual the most to me and the idea that I meeting well-informed. In some areas would like to share with others is that the process of opinion-gathering is AA world services are vital to my own entirely through informal discussion existence and growth. Each day I can arriving at general agreement; in open my heart, my mind and my ears others, an actual vote is taken among to the opportunity to help AA world those present. The main thing is to services and the General Service Confurnish as much in the way of guid- ference. ance for Conference delegates as is Just a s each day I practice sobriety possible within AA’s “loosely-knit” and the Twelve Steps so I can try to organizational form. be a better-informed AA member. At This is the chain of service links meetings, I now seek out our group’s that makes it possible for each mem- G.S.R. and ask hi what is happening ber to have a voice in AA services in AA affairs as a whole. I a& our worldwide. And it works both ways, secretary what news has came fram too! Not only do proposals come from Headquarters in the monthly Wetin. Headquarters for the groups’ consider- I talk about some of thew things at ation, but proposals may start at the closed meetings, and to the newcomer. group level and through General Serv- I no longer think of a Twelfth Step ice Representatives, Committeemen call and an AA meeting as “good and Delegates be presented to the AA,” and business meetings, Confer- Conference to consider. The proposals ence meetings and announcements can be either a matter which affects about them as dull and a thing apart. AA as a wholc,.or an area matter of Business meetings are also good AA such importance in its implications or and they arc where I belong and consequences that the whole Confer- where I am needed. ence of AA should know about it. As an “average” member of M, I This, then, is the way that my own can by this daily practice take my local group has a voice in AA world rightful place and accept the respom services. And my voice is needed to sibility of the Third Legacy of World carry the AA message here just as Service. This is my way of accepting much as it is needed to talk to a new the trust placed in me by Bill and the

J u l y 1956

When I first joined AA embarrassment in the past because of If non-alcoholics can have psychodrinking. If I drank again I would logical imbalance, why not the a h suffer more embarrassmkt than could holic? there were two or three members possibly result from refusing a drink. So we shall continue to have pmb- – So whv not some suffering for lems but we can deal with them betsobrietyj ter than we could while we were in OW group who were dry These two attitudes, the importance drinking. three or four years . . A of sobriety and willingness to suffer Since joining AA, I have not made embarrassdent (which-for the most a million dollars, nor do I have any part did not develop) combined to great desire to do so. I did keep my smooth the way for me. Yes, it was job as a senior officer in a large easy, relatively at least. Some mem- financial institution, a job I sutely later I met a fellow bers are not so fortunate, I know, and would have lost had I continued to they have my complete sympathy. drink. My salary has also been inwho was dry six years Observation, however, suggests that creased substantially, but part of that the more complete the surrender, the was due to inflation. Then there is the which seemed like an more definite the acceptance of AA, additional “salary increase” I got by the greater the certainty that all not paying for liquor. Did you wet interminable period . . . bridges are burned behind, then the figure what that cost a year? easier is the acquisition and main- So wen though I did not start my tenance of sobriety. way back from the Bowery, the com- Nay I haw jurt bad my own tzntb anniversary Of course I still have problems. parison present must be made between my fairly comfortable position AA may take care of our drinking but it does not divest us of our humanity. and the Iot that ultimately would have OW DOES IT FEEL? Was it easy? my way of life. No compromises, no been mine had I continued to drink. H Do I have any problems? Did I looking back, no reservations; this make a million dollars? Do I agree was it! Fairly early I decided that: We continue to have all the problems that a i c t other human beings. Per- Naturally, I don’t agree with everyhaps for the first time we can see thing I hear in AA, though I have no with werything in AA? What can (1) Sobriety was the most im- those problems; perhaps for the first quarrel with any truly basic AA printhe two, five, and seven year man ex- portant thing in the world for me, time we can deal with them com- ciple. I do have my own opinions on pect? How do I work the program because if I did not have that I would petently. two frequently repeated statements: now, as compared with ten years ago ultimately lose everything else. The Non-alcoholics have problems, too. (1) “There are no musts in AA.” -hey-what is this? TB patient leaves home, job, friends, The thought here, while doubtless and goes away for a year or two, be- They even have problems of personality, emotions, nerves, insomnia, de- well intentioned, is couched in ill- It feels pretty good, cause his health is thi most important pression. Who, do you suppose, buys considered language which unforthing in the world. As an alcoholic since you ask. all the books about nervous tension, tunately has caught on. There are no . I was dicted with an equallv ~ e r n i – It was easy, yes, in a way. Easy cious disease but which’ fortunately I peace of mind, how to relax? Look musts in AA if you care nothing about compared with all the other methods could be treated at home. over the best seller lists and the book sobriety. If you want to stop drinking, that failed. The hardest thing for me review supplements. There are not there are many “musts.” I would not (2) I should be prepared to sufwas to get myself to AA in the first fer any embarrassment necessary to enough alcoholics aware of their prob- presume to tell you what your musts place. Once I did, I accepted AA as preserve my sobriety. I had suffered lem to buy the tons of uplift stuff are, but you have them, just as I have that pour from the nation’s presses. mine. Whenever a member t$es a

drink, whether it be after a week or so also does the older member’s desire alcoholics we shall always continue to be grateful for other things, small or after five years, it is proof he neglected for continued sobriety come from AA. have a problem, perhaps the problem large, material and spiritual. one or more of his “musts.” The problem for the members’ dry ten of attitude toward alcohol, that will I try to “practice these principles” years, five years, or two weeks is not require periodic if not daily strength- in all my affairs but don’t succeed very (2) “The only requirement for to stop drinking! They have stopped! ening in AA. well. I do make a little progress now membership is an honest desire to stop and then and try not to lose too much drinking.” The “honest desire” re- Their problem is not even to stay stopped ! It is more fundamental, more ground on other occasions. I try to quirement would bar many members improve my conscious contact with from AA. Many; if not most, new antecedent in time. Their problem is to keep on wanting to stay stopped! God, keeping in mind that if He members are pushed into AA, some could solve my greatest problem, subtly, others more forcefully. They That continuing desire to stay stopped comes from continued association with alcoholism, it should follow that He don’t have an honest desire to stop can handle my other problems, which drinking. Their befogged minds are AA. The proof of this is that most old timers who continue to stay close by definition are of lesser complexity. incapable of generating such a hor- It is as simple as that. “It is a simmdous thought. The desire to $top, to AA maintain their sobriety; many old timers who drift away from AA ple program,” someone said, “but it in many cases, comes from AA, and sometimes only after rather a lot of get drunk. After ten years, I still go to meet- isn’t easy.” You may prefer, “It is an AA. I much prefer Bill’s suggestion What can a second year, fifth year, ings, open and closed; try never to easy program but it isn’t simple.” If on page eleven of A A Traditions, seventh year man expect? A mixture miss a week; still do it one day at a that sounds like Alice’s conversation (1947) : of life. It’s good to some people; time; still ask that Higher Power for in Wonderland, be not surprised, for stingy with others. It is better one day help and try to awake each morning to many thousands of us, AA is a new – “That is why we all judge the new- with that thought on my mind; still kind of wonderful Wonderland. than anothef; better some years than comer less and less. If alcohol is an give thanks at night and try, too, to Anonymous, Scarsdale, N . Y . uncontrollable problem to him and others. Like non-alcoholics, we have be wishes to do something about it, our ups and downs. We get disturbed, that is enough for us. . . . He is a discouraged, depressed. But we must learn to hang on; to believe that this member as long as he says he is. too will pass; to recite the AA prayer, While this broad concept of AA not once, but over and over. membership is not yet unanimous, it does represent the main current of We must learn to keep things- AA thought today. We do not wish our lives-in perspective. What is the to deny anyone his chance to re- over-all picture? What are the assets cover from alcoholism. We wish to as well as the liabilities? Is the net be just as inclusive as we can, never balance better than last year, better exclusive.” than yesterday, better than when we were drinking, as good as we have a The “honest desire” business is in right to expect? need of revision. It is too exclusive. After two years, five years, seven It puts the cart before the horse. You years, we gradually return to normalcy, will note that in the Third Tradition, find a place in the community, feel the “honest” has already been dropped. demands on our time. But we should As in many cases the member’s de- keep in mind that our return to sire to quit drinking comes from AA, normalcy will never be complete. As

July 1956

people who had got sober and stayed years, don’t think I or any of the sober. You didn’t need any lessons others have it made. I and all of us in drinking; you knew that already, are just as alert to the danger of the all too well. You wanted lessons in first drink as the rawest recruit.. sobriety. More, perhaps, for we’re out of the When you want to learn some- habit of drinking. We can toss away thing, you go to someone who knows our sobriety and our seniority, just how. You don’t send your daughter like that. But there are a tremendfor piano lessons to someone who’s OW lot of us around who don’t. I just learned how to play. Schools Mind you, I’m not saying a word don’t hire men who’ve just learned against the people who haven’t been how to play ball to coach their around very long. I’m not upbraidteams. Industry doesn’t place its ap- ing people who have trouble, yet prentices under someone who’s just keep coming back. They’re the lifelearned the trade for instruction; it blood of our fellowship, the onea sends them to men who’ve acquired who’ll cany the torch in years to their skill through years of practice. come, just as we carried it from our So it is with learning how to stay founders. We need their enthwhsm, sober, You go to the people who their energy, their companionship, have learned how-through long ex- their ideas. They jog us out of our 1

perience at doing it, and doing it complacency. We love them decontinuously and well. votedly and we’re overjoyed to see WE’RE PRONE TO SAY there’s no you that AA did work, that since Granted, ours is a twenty&*- them getting sober and staying such thing as seniority in AA- we they had found a way to stop drink- , hour program. Staying sober twenty- soberall are sober only for one day at a ing you, too, might cast off that four hours at a time is lots simpler time. The newest member is as sober monkey that had been straddling than staying sober the rest of your as those of us who have been around your back for too many years? life. Tomorrow hasn’t come and yesa few years. But are we being truly Whose advice did you take? terday is gone; all we have is today. honest when we quote such state- Whose explanations made our It’s a wonderful way to stay sober, ments? Do we really mean it when Twelve Steps to recovery workable and it’s a wonderful way to live. we say seniority doesn’t count? even to your confused mind? Those of us who’ve accumulated Just who were the people you I t wasn’t the people who had been some mileage admit almost to a man were told to heed when you came around just for one day, you can be we did it one day at a time. Most of trernblingly to our threshold? Who sure. You weren’t looking for a men- us also faced up to the fact that we were the people you felt had some- tor who had stopped drinking just could never again take even one thing you wanted, were serene and for a day. You’d stopped for a day . calm enough to soothe your battered all by yourself, lots of times . . for drink of anything with alcohol in it, if we wanted to keep on sobriety. spirit, to hold out some hope that a week or a month, even. You Booze for us was out from this day some day your life, too, might be- wanted to stop and stay stopped. forward, however we wanted to work Perhaps I don’t sound very come manageable and you might be YOU wanted to get sober and stay it. I t still is. humble. Perhaps you think I want a little like them? Who were the that way. Because I’ve been sober a few more credit than I’m getting. After b p 1 e w h w examples convinced To learn how, you’went to the

all, I didn’t do this by myself. That’s portant. Let’s give them credit for right, I didn’t-neither did any of weathering hundreds and hundreds the others. We put what we’d of twenty-four-hour periods. It learned to use, we went to meetings, hasn’t been love and kisses for them carried the message, ponder$ over all the time, you can bet. The lesthe Big Book. We had the ever- sons they learned through bitter expresent help of the God who in- perience are ours for the asking. Are spired our movement, and we had they so wrong in wanting occasioneach other for strength and comfort. ally to be asked? As long as we never forget that we God willing, one of these days didn’t get sober all by ourselves, an you, too, will have a few years of occasional pat on the back probably solid sobriety behind you. Until . won’t hurt. then, won’t you suspend judgment But Iet’s not sell the older mem- and keep an open mind-and admit bers short. Let’s not lie in our Ceeth that there is a place in AA for when we say seniority isn’t im- seniority? Anon., Chicago, 111.

AUTROR’S NOTE: I’m fully aware that vincam when I was brand-new. And this article may prove controversial. because I hear repeated in meeting But I do think there ought to be a after meeting, “I went to the people little regard for seniority in AA. Not who had been around for a long time. because I seem to have attained it, If it had worked for them, I figured it goodness knows. But because it was would for me.” What’s so wrong in the older members who were the con- that?

December 1956

Who Are the Old Timers? WHO ARE THESE “OLD TIMERS?’ lying, with resultant resentment, body or a well rounded AA group. know practically every pitfall, Guys and gals with five yeam- . and possibly a skid . . we’ve all There’s been much talk lately of “old timers” drifting away. Could either by their own or someone else’s hard experience? ten-fIfteen–or more? When does seen it happen. one cease being a “newcomer” and As I see it, those guys and gals it be they’re not made to feel the To me, anyway, thank God for become an “in between” and finally who have eight, ten, fifteen and vital part they have had (and still George, Al, Jerry and others who an “old timer?” more years are the backbone and play) in carrying this message– were there when I came; they’re still I’ve been sober quite a few days heart of AA; the newcomer is in- from its inception down to us to there for me to ask questions of, now. When a newcomer asks how deed the life’s blood, but how long pass to the next suffering one? Have and give me an ever-changing goal long, I reply, either, “Quite a few could our bodies, for instance, re- they not learned the hard way what of growth to reach for, as well as days, now,” or, “Some over a year.” main erect without a spine, or func- they can (and cannot) do in order the knowledge that the AA program If I told the whole truth (goin’ on tion without a heart? Seems to me to keep this precious sobriety? Are does work, pretty permanently, if I five years) he’d either be scared we “in betweens”-those with one, they encouraged to grow, just as keep working it; and that fortu. silly he’d never do the same (as T three, five or so years-are the mus- much as the newcomer-or just nately after seven or nine or eleven had been!) or he’d be sure I was cle and bones, thus,making a whole taken for granted? Or, worse, dis- wonderful years of sobriety with regarded? I can’t see that the al- God’s and their help, I won’t have coholic is different from other hu- to see it all suddenly fly out tho man beings in the matter of wishing window, and be forced to start again . to feel needed, wanted, respected– as a newcomer, in order to keep the the very thing that caused so much sobriety I have. They’ve done ittrouble for so long: we were not I can, too. One day at a time, yes; wanted, needed or respected by any- but those aggregate days are experione. Could these be some of the ence I often need to call on; since reasons “old timers” drift away? I’ve “become willing” I can ‘use all Discussions with other AA mem- my own and all I am offered of the bers on sobriety, I have noticed, are group’s rich experience in sobriety. often very liberally sprinkled with So I agree-“Seniority Dues quotes from the “old timers” in our Count in AA”-and I pray God I groups, and such quotes are usually shall always be able to learn from accepted pretty much without ques- the “old timers.” That.’s where I tion. Why? Is it because the “old got my sobriety! timers” have been there -they E.M.S., Camarilla, Calif.

January 1957

our many problems with drink. able to our capabilities, and that Owed money, the roof sprang a leak, doubtless one of the fellows in AA TV out of whack, Junior got a bad would help toward this end; that our report card, car on the blink and we health would naturally be better, Some Reminders for Old Timers have a bad case of neuritis. Who that we could tackle our problems in could blame us for seeking escape a mature way and learn to plan, from these troubles? pray, work and be honest, sensible, ‘ . Nobody. If it worked. But when self-respecting people. REMEMBER HOW IN OUR EARLY DAYS sparkling turns to surliness, the wit- we come back from the bender It seems incredible, but I honestly it was drummed into our heads ticisms to insults and quarrelsome- everything is just the same. They know of cases where AAs have that the first drink is the one which ness-and so we are off again into are still there-the problem . . . sulked-even got drunk-because makes us drunk? . . . if we are truly sodden drunkenness, with morning with additional ones, maybe a police something did not materialize for alcoholic, that is-people affected headache, self-disgust, bitter re- fine, smashed car, perhaps hospital- them. We can’t bribe God! If we with the disease called alcoholism. I morse, shame, despair. ization, a warning from the boss, and say, “How’s this now, God? I’m think we really cannot emphasize That’s the way that first little old the realization that the money we sober. I stopped drinking, see? Then this truth of the first-drink-danger drink winds up; so stop we should spent on our drunk “escape” we why didn’t You work out wandoften enough, and that as time goes and think, “Is it worth it? Worth might have used to help pay off some so for me?” on we are inclined rather to put it pulling down all I’ve so slowly built of our obligations, repair the car or And God might say: “I know lots in the background of our accrued up?’It7s up to us, pal! We have to roof or TV, or got Junior a much- of people, many of them far better knowledge in Twelfth Stepping. make the decision. needed new pair of shoes – and than you, who have always been We well know that the old com- Instead of calling such deliberate taken a little interest in his prob- sober. They seem to be shouldering pulsion will return with the first decisions a slip, let’s call it what it lems besides. their problems and do not ask imdrink. We may rationalize and is – a landslide. “Slipping” A h The fatuous idea thatbecause munity from the ordinary ups and think, “Why can’t I take a drink, surely pay some enormous penalties. we are AAs-things should move on downs of life. You made your debts. just one small drink, like other peo- We’ve all seen them . . . oiled wheels for us is one way to I didn’t.” ple?” Because: we can’t and that’s Some, unhappily, have experi- bring about our undoing. Why we And He’d probably say, “Keep the answer we might as well face enced them. should be blessed above other men trying; do something to help somenow, tomorrow and forever so long We would not deliberately eat is a $64 question. I once heard an body else; give up your hates and as we move about upon his particu- ground glass, or cut our hands or old AA who should know better say, self-pity; put your shoulder to the lar planet in our particular shoes. burn our fingers, or-like those piti- when mentioning the death of an- wheel and I’ll be there helping too. Looking back, remember how we ful prisoners in the news recently- other older AA, “I don’t know why 1’11 never let you down.” used to say so gaily as we reached take rocks and smash the bones in such a thing should happen to a I seem to have wandered wide of for the good old bottle, “one little our legs, thinking thereby to make a good AA!” the mark-that first drink. Yet, I beold drink never helped anybody!” bad condition better, would we? But No sponsor (unless he is an idiot) lieve it may be german-that often Sure didn’t. Not us anyhow. So to- such in a measure we do deliberately ever told any of us that when we too great an expectancy for too little morrow just as it was yesterday we to ourselves-physically,financially, reached AA sobriety all our troubles effort, too much self-pity and seethare going to add to that slap-happy- spiritually and mentally-when we would melt away, that we’d become ing resentment, lead us to that first slogan, “must have just another one make a decision to down that first an executive and drive around in a drink and the landslide from which, to acquire that pleasant edge.” We drink. new car. He probably told us, if he’s some day perhaps, we might never again must sparkle, utter witticisms, Things became too much for me, a sensible man, that with sobriety again be able to extricate ourselves. keep the party going. Until the we whine, and we just had to forget we should eventually find work suit- Anon, Bradenton, Flu.

June 1957

Does AA Have Staying Power? importance that overshadows our Office, talking with prospects and one great need-to keep our con- trying to help them. This she did scious minds full of the AA pro- and is still doing and is very happy gram at all times as long as we live. in this work. is both a question and a challenge.” “live a normal life,” as the saying The AA program consists funda- Here, then, is one answer for the This ,editorial was published in goes; to spread out his activities in mentally of fellowship, faith and old timer who is in danger of grad- April, 1949, and now, eight years society, in community programs, in service. No one of these three can uating from the AA program. No business, in hobbies and in many be neglected without danger to our one, new member or old member, other ways. sobriety. If AA meetings are not is in much danger of taking a drink This is a perfectly good doctrine, attended regularly, fellowship can when he is spending a t least some except that so often these other ac- be lost. If spiritual principles are of his time trying to help other tivities crowd out our AA way of not practiced daily-by the morn- alcoholics. life and we tend to give less and ing quiet time, by some prayer I have had a similar experience. less time to practicing the AA prin- during the day, and by the evening Retired after thirty years in busiciples. A spiritual program can thanking time-faith can be lost. ness, finding a lot of time on my easily be lost in the multifarious When any of these things happen hands and being somewhat of an material activities of so-called “nor- we are in danger of falling by the “old timer” in AA, I spend each mal living.” wayside. Is the staying power of weekday morning a t the local In- No doubt individuals vary con- AA sufficient to prevent these tergroup Office. An opportunity to siderably in this respect, but for losses? talk with people whose troubles are most of us there is dan- There is one very practical an- greater than mine strikes me a3 ger in neglecting the AA swer to this question. At St. Louis most effective in keeping an “old program to any great in July, 1955 I talked with a girl timer” sober and happily on the degree. Other activities who had held all the offices in AA program. can so easily assume an (group secretary, steering commit- If you have lost some of your entee, etc.), who had been “on the thusiasm for AA; if you feel that circuit” speaking a t anniversaries other things in life are becoming and conventions, who had become more important than your AA way bored at AA meetings and who was of l i f e t r y going where you can staying away from AA activities. talk to somebody who needs help This girl felt herself slipping and you will find the best answer back into the old pre-AA way of to the staying power of AA. Fellowthinking. She was up against this ship and faith are important but vital question of the staying power continuing service to your fellow of AA. How did she solve it? She alcoholic will most surely give you decided to spend a couple of hours the staying power’you need to reevery day at her local Intergroup main happily sober. R.W., Daytona Beach, Fla.

September 1957

The Old-Timer Steps Out

IT HAS BEEN MY BELIEF that we mental hospital. I t had been this should “talk AA” every day. We child’s belief that her mother was can thus help to educate the non-al- the only person in the world suffercoholic public and-more important ing from this disease, and indeed she -we never know when we might say was relieved to know that her mothsomething that might help someone. er was but one of the thousands af- Two of the greatest things that flicted with alcoholism. ever happened to me occurred the The following Wednesday night I same night. I was asked to talk to walked into the meeting at Camp 4 the young people at a nearby church at Parchman Prison. There sat one about alcoholism and AA. My audi- inmate member all smiles. He gave ence I found to be children nine to me a letter to read, a letter from his twelve in a g e n o t high school and eleven-year-old boy who had also college students as I had thought. heard my talk to the young people This was my first experience in be- on the previous Sunday. In his leting confronted with such a young ter he told his father that he had audience, and I was at a loss as to now learned about alcoholism and what I should say. I saw no way I that he also knew about AA. He might benefit them, so I took a mo- wanted his father to know that he ment for silent meditation. did love him and that he was eagerly Following my talk, a small girl awaiting his return from prison and about ten years of age came up and that he wanted the two of them to . thanked me for being with them. She be buddies again. let me know how much she had So, as I have said, you never know learned and how much better she un- when you might say something that derstood the disease of alcoholism. will help someone . . . and only God Then, with tears running down her knows how much these two instances cheeks, she told me that her moth- helped me. er had just returned from our state Dick K., Cleveland, Miss.

October 1957

say, ‘I’m safe from further alcohol- I’ve integrated AA so closely into ism; the protection I’ve built up will my life, made it such a habit-formlast forever without any more real ing part of my existence, that it’s effort on my part.’ as necessary to me for continued “As arrested-but incurable-al- survival as food and shelter. Sobriety Is – a , coholics we are required to journey on and on, one day at a time and “A frequently recurring newspaper story is the one abbut a person year after year, feeding and nursing who was playing carelessly with a An Endless Journey our sobriety with the material pro- gun which accidentally went off and shot himself or someone else. And vided by the AA program. I t can be a happy, rewarding journey if we the excuse is always the same-‘I – NotA D e s t i n a t i o n take the right attitude. didn’t know it was loaded.’ “Let’s have other opinions on this “It reminds us of the member who subject.” slips because he stayed away from THERE WAS A x u s m t s s ~ ~ s s among a very human disposition on our “My name is Mickey and I’m meetings or thought he could be a Gene’s friends who had assembled part to view our sobriety after a anxious to contribute something. We controlled drinker. He didn’t stop with the other members for the while as something requiring no fur- all know of course that there’s such to figure out he was playing with anweekly Closed Meeting. Here and ther cultivation or strengthening. a thing as human fallibility, and no other kind of loaded gun-alcoholthere a face reflected surprise or We seem to lapse into a state of one is guaranteed sobriety. ism. So; when he takes the first ‘

shocked disbelief. sober doldrums, making only mini- “But at the same time, it does ap- drink he pulls the trigger. He’s hurt Passed along to them “confiden- mum efforts to preserve what we pear that we are disposed toward badly-perhaps he will never recovtially” had been the whispered news gained in the past so slowly and at taking unnecessary risks. er sobriety a g a i n d r death results.” I that Gene had slipped. Their first the cost of much struggle. “We allow our sobriety to become Maureen spoke up. ‘There’s a reaction was-not Gene who had “The solidity and security of any- a chore, a bore, a nuisance, or a common soporific which slows us been sober so long and worked so in- thing worth while, and particularly laborious effort. The first golden down and brings on the inertia or dustriously in the group and else- sobriety, is only in the doing of it- glow of discovery that we could stay self-centeredness which was menwhere in AA! and not in mere acquiescence or lip sober is permitted to deteriorate into tioned by the leader. The leader was visibly affected by service. an apathetic, routine, hit-or-miss ‘We are most susceptible to it it, too, although he had been more “A creeping carelessness, inertia, ~ractice. aware than the others of how Gene’s complacency or i n d i f f e r e n ~ rthe thought it out long ago and former activity had tapered off to self-centeredness which was part of the vanishing point. our alcoholism–can set in after an He would not personalize it by interval of AA unless we forewarn mentioning Gene’s name during the and forearm ourselves against it. No meeting. On the other hand, know- one is immune-and the potential ing several members had been ex- af terrnath is drunkenness. hibiting similar marked “fall-away” “To each of us, sobriety should be U tendencies, he decided it was time considered a continuous journeyagain to stress the dangers of taking and not a destination. We can never one’s sobriety for granted. arrive at a place, no matter how So he opened up with, “There is long we’ve been sober, where we can

continued activity and experience have stayed sober so far-but it u when self-interest is again our main crimination are bound to be felt by has kept me coming back to the seems to me the risk of taking the consideration and the willingness to other members less gifted with group when I might have wavered first drink is so much greater when sacrifice ourselves and our personal speech. It sets up class distinction, a little. we try to go it alone than with the d a i w to help another alcoholic creates group disunity and some- “I often wonder what would hap- aid of this fellowship. recedes into the background. times results in someone getting pen to the newcomers if the older “I know in my own case that this . “Enthusiasm is replaced by a drunk. I see that Gloria’s hand is members had simply taken their so- program is exactly the same as when lack-lustre attitude; we gripe and raised.” briety from AA and then disappear- I first came running to it. Should I groan; we make our AA participa- “I’ve been trying to get into this. ed with it. lose interest for any reason, the fault tion a mountainous, ruinous ordeal; They say a droyning man is sup- “I hope I will always have the will be mine-not AA’s. I we move our sobriety from the first posed to see his whole life pass be- same kind of enduring gratitude as “Common sense alone tells me I place in our lives to down near the fore his eyes in a matter of seconds. they have so that I, too, as time goes am safer with AA than without it. end of things-to-do. If he’s saved, I’m sure he won’t take on, may be here to help those who As a former horse player who had ‘The honeymoon is over and our the same kind of risk again. follow me.” markedly bad luck, I prefer not to marriage with AA has settled into a “I’m like that drowning man, ex- “Thank you, Roy, for your ap- gamble with my sobriety. AA is albored, restless, lackadaisical cate- cept I was drowning in alcohol. Af- preciative acknowledgment of our most a sure thing to win ‘going gory. We stray from the hearthside ter each progressively worse hang- work in the group,” said the leader. away -provided I work the pro- 7

of AA and then-loud is our re- over, my ruined and wasted life “There is no known way of esti- gram properly and sincerely. I’m morse and lamentation when John would pass before me. I became mating the number of alcoholic cas- going to keep on playing it ‘right on Barleycorn slugs us with a whiskey more aware of the loss of everything ualties among members who ‘drop the nose.’ No sucker bets for me! bottle.” mast dear to me-principles, family out’ of AA. We do know that some “Shall we close the meeting?” The leader came in at this point. and friends, and the imminence of “I begin to be concerned for an in- total destruction for me. dividual’s sobriety when he starts “I’m not morbid about these reccomplaining about several consecu- ollections, but I make sure I’ll never tive ‘bad meetings’ in the group and forget them. I flash them on my offers it as an explanation of why mental movie screen whenever I D I R E C T O R Y ITEMS he subsequently stayed away. think it’s necessary to remind my- THE 1957 GROUP HANDBOOK AND DIRECTORY reveals the following special “Or when someone confesses he self that staying close to AA keeps groups in existence (as of the Directory’s April date of issue): . has to fight with himself to go to me further away from alcoholic young people’s groups ………….. 37 weekly meetings. Each occasion temptation.” women’s groups ………………… 95 seem to involve him in a strugggle Roy broke in, “We’ve overlooked American Indian groups ………….. 9 for a decision. And I contrast that gratitude as one of the basic reasons TB hospital groups ……………… 36 falling-away tendency with the time for a continued close association armed forces groups …………….. 76 he started in AA and just couldn’t with AA. Other Directory statistics: wait for the next meeting to come “I particularly want to thank Sue, Central (or Intergroup) offices …… 105 along. Jack, Bill and tonight’s leader for armed forces “loners” …………… 34 “Another disquieting thing to me being around in my early days. I AA clubs …………………….. 250 is a group’s inclination toward didn’t believe I could make it, but deactivated groups …………….. 541 ‘sQ.eening9 speakers-picking only the very length of their sobriety set lone members …………………. 300 the best for its own meetings or to a shining example for me to follow, Internationalists (seamen) ………. 150 send elsewhere. Resentment and dis- and the encouragement from their

March 1958

Why Worry About the Old Timer?

ALTHOUGH THIS type of article calls and’the most important person. He for some over-use of the perpendic- has now been superseded by later ular pronoun, it does not follow that new members. I consider myself the great oracle- We tell the Twelfth-Step worker I’m merely expressing one of the and the sponsor: “Don’t smother 200,000 or so different opinions to your baby!” which AAs are entitled. Why smother the old timer? Through the years I have sat in We tell the new baby: “We open on numerous group discussions on the door for you. It’s up to you to “how to draw the old timer back enter!’ Why can’t we say to the into the fold” and its corollary, old timer: “We opened the door for “how to keep him happy.” Being you and you have known where it loquacious and opinionated, I have is for lo, these many years; it’s up had a lot to say on the subject. to you to use it.” Since Bill and the Grapevine Our Traditions say that this is a asked for some opinions recently, I program of attraction rather than have given the subject additional promotion. So, then, why promote? thought, and have come up with Most sober alkies, in my opinion, this conclusion: won’t be pushed. Why worry? I now believe there is nothing we In speaking to the new member, can do about the old timer if he we tell him: “It’s your decision.” doesn’t want us to do anything. Why not tell the old timer the same I can feel only compassion for the thing? sober alky who has wandered away At meetings we say to the new and who thus denies himself the enbaby: “You are the most important joyment of the rich fruits of a long person in this room tonight.” The experience in AA. old timer was once the new member 0.K. P., Sun Anselmo, Calif.

March 1958

A N O L D T I M E R T A L K S BACK IN ANSWER TO “J. B.,”in the March Grapevine-I want to ask: WHY? After over fifteen years in AA I rather resent the idea that the old timer should not be heard from. Fifteen years ago the program of AA was comparatively new, and we had to grope our way without all the help we have today. Our groups were smaller than now, and we did not understand our program as we do today. We may be farther away from our last drink than the younger man-but we are no farther away from our problems. And are we less tolerant? I don’t think so. The years have mellowed most of us, and I firmly believe that as the years go by, we are more tolerant and understanding. And we do not lose our enthusiasm. … We may not crusade as we once did, but I think that our years of experience help us to understand and to be more generous in our attitude toward the troubles of others, slips, etc. Through AA we have obtained sobriety, and along with that a new way of life. The years also have brought a peace of mind which no one can take from us. I think you will find that the old timers have done much to hold our groups together. Be patient with us… put up with us! If you keep sober, and hang on, you will soon be an old timer yourself. Pray to Cod that you will, and-practice that tolerance that you speak of. D. M.,Bowling Green, Ohio

June 1958

seniority of understanding, of toler- If the new member is the life ance of sicker members’ problems. blood of AA, then the older member The seniority of love given and re- is the blood bank of AA. Let us face ceived. The seniority of faith which facts: the first elders wrote the Big Don’t get enables us to love and trust our God, to forgive and love our neigh- Book, and their inspiration and wisdom became ours. AA in Manitoba bor and above all to learn how to was started by an AA from Mintoo far love ourselves and forgive ourselves. In Doctor Bob’s last major talk, neapolis. He and his fellow AAs told us the things we could do, and he stressed what happened to him the things we shouldn’t do. He from the when he got too far away from “the saved us years of trial and error, boys in the ward,” and I guess that and what is more important, after is what happens to us all when we eighteen years of sobriety, he still boys in forget that our sobriety is condi- comes among us and his presence tional upon passing on to others proclaims louder than words what the ward . . . what someone one day took the time to pass along to us. I do not the Big Book reiterates in every page: “Our sobriety is granted think God gave us sobriety so we from day to day and is conditional could learn to rationalize service on our spiritual status.” to the Community instead of ser- Of course the old timer is impor- 4- vice within AA. The old timer tant, and let us tell him so. He is I HAVE NEVER BEFORE felt like ex- is not good for him or her and most needs continuous association with not needed to run the business pressing any views to the Grapevine assuredly not good for AA. AA to maintain that warm inner affairs of the group, but if the old on AA or on alcoholism. 1 have al- I have always been amazed at feeling of satisfaction he knew so timers in every area are faithful ways felt the problem was amply this statement so often heard in our well when he was ten months in attenders at meetings, then we and wonderfully covered by our fellowship: “There is no seniority AA and had lost when he was ten won’t have to worry about the new magazine. Lately, however, two in AA.” This saying should easily years along the way. man-his future will be in good emerging problems have been pre- qualify as one of the most blatant The group needs his presence at hands. Remember what “AA nurnsented-i.e., the old timer, and understatements of our century. meetings, for thus he proclaims to ber three” said to his wife when articles that deal what Bill and The person who coined this delight- all present his own need to be Bill and Doctor Bob paid their others call emotional sobriety. ful bit of blarney should have ex- there. They in turn will remember second visit to him: “There they A few years ago the old timer plained that it applied only to the his example and be there when they are, mother. They are the ones was a rarity-say as short a time mechanics of the first drink. Other- grow older. Thus AA will grow who understand.” as ten years ago. Their natural wise, how explain the bit of daily stronger and multiply. J . McK., Flin Flon, Manitoba habitat a t that time was mostly in progress promised us in the Big the eastern United States; only an Book provided we accept and atoccasional one could be found in tempt to put into daily practice eastern Canada and in the western in our lives the Twelve Steps in States. Today, however, the old their entirety? timer is more numerous and for There is plenty of all kinds of various reasons he is again becom- seniority in AA. The seniority of ing rare. This is a situation that wisdom gained over the years, the

July 1 9 5 8

feel that we do a great disservice to of other d a y d r i n k i n g days. It the newcomer by depriving him of may be so reminiscent that we find our honest feelings and experiences, ourselves drunk or it may just be just because we don’t happen to be making us quietly miserable though technically sober. A Middle on cloud eight, at a given time. Aren’t we together for the pur- I suspect that this is what has pose of sharing experiences? What happened with many an old’ timer Timer has this to do with the old timer? who has drifted away. He has failed This, I believe. We do an even to maintain interest because he has greater disservice to ourselves by failed to share his experiences Speaks holding back what is true of our- honestly-first with others, finally selves. We may even succeed in de- with himself. Of course he’s bored to the ceiving ourselves if we keep it up. b e c a m he’s lost touch and along This we know to be very dangerous. with that he’s lost the pleasant glow This is why we have to keep our in- that sometimes goes along with en- Old Timer ventories up to date. joying the simple fact of his hu- But we may become so engaged manity, foibles and all. THREE CHEERS for O.K.P.’s long- reasons. They are true ones and in telling everyone how wonderful I doubt that this explanation apawaited (by me, anyway) piece, I’ve had the same thoughts myself, everything is that we fail to notice plies in every case where an old “Why Worry About t h e Old even as a middle-timer but . . . there that we’re literally falling to pieces timer has slipped away or even in Timer?Wn the March issue. I had has to be a but: A group reflects the in an inward sense. By failing to most cases but maybe it applies in been meaning to write along similar qualities of all its members-and share we have gone back into our- some. lines for a long while but O.K. has the old timer’s presence would selves in a way that is reminiscent Ad Lib, Manhattan Group, N.Y . C. said it for me, rather more tactfully certainly make a difference. The than I should have. group would assimilate his qualities A further thought occurs to me and, in a measure, come closer to on the subject of what to do about what he might want it to be. The the poor old timer who just can’t whole is equal to the sum of its manage to be interested in AA parts: any of us can add or subaffairs any longer. Meetings bore tract something from that whole. him, he says; he’s matured and is Now to move from the abstract no longer interested in the things to the particular I may bc able to that are talked about; he has a new get closer to the point. set of interests more in keeping with Recently I heard a member say living the “normal” life that he’s that she had to make a talk but that graduated to; he’s done his bit of she had better not mention the Twelfth Stepping and is no longer problems that were uppermost in particularly effective with the her mind as it might discourage the . drinking d r u n k – 4 infiniturn go the newcomer. She didn’t happen to be reasons. an old timer but the point has some I don’t doubt the validity of his bearing just the same. Personally I

August 1 9 5 8

to my heritage. The fact was that It has been very difficult for me I was scared stiff. I think all alco- at times, but I have been fortunate holics hate themselves. And in hat- in that I have always felt that AA ing themselves, they are incapable was worth it. of loving anyone. I am certain at this point in AA I don’t think there is such a thing that there are a lot of guys and as an alcoholic personality. Alco- gals like me. We don’t make the holics come from broken homes; headlines, but our suffering has they come from homes that have been just as acute as those who been tight knit; they come from have had, to all appearances, a AVERAGE OLD T I M E R large families; they are only children; they come from wealthy rougher time. I have been blessed in that I have parents; they come from the slums; always known that AA was the they come from parents who hated answer for me. I have seen so many the very thought of alcohol; they who have tried AA when they were are children of alcoholics; they have desperatewhen there was no other had too much indulgence; they have place to g+-but when they licked one of my AA “defense rncchanism.” In my con- not had enough; they have had an their drinking problem they forsook A brothers, who knows FEW DAYS AGO me better scious mind I really didn’t care what my fellow beings did. Thereoverdose of security; they have had none. In other words, alcoholics AA. I know that many of these same people will come back crying than most, told my wife that I was the perfeet example of the guy who fore their actions did not disturb are just like other people. We are to AA, for AA is far more than an practices “Easy does it.” How little me. I didn’t even care, on the sur- not a different race. That is why I organization of drunks attempting he knows! I am just beginning to face, what became of me. I was feel that there is something physical to keep sober. practice that slogan for the first living on the twenty-four-hour plan about our disease as well as emo- I deserve no credit for my faithtime in my life. -and my plan for each twenty-four tional. fulness to AA, for it has given me For twenty years I was one of hours was to shut out every emo- I constantly marvel at the fact my self-respect; it has been underthe least spectacular drunks of all tion. I liked neither myself nor my that AA will (if we wish it so) standing when no one else undertime. I never got arrested; I never actions. I didn’t care what hap- answer the needs of all of us. stood. My loved ones know. how I was hospitalized; I never lost a job; pened to me; so I couldn’t care Those who get nothing from AA feel about AA and, because they I didn’t get into brawls; in fact, I what happened to anyone else. haven’t put anything into it. That love me, they are happy that some wasn’t much trouble to anyone- I am an introvert-one turned in is one of the great lessons-that Higher Power has seen fit to probut myself. Long before AA I was on himself. I sought the only escape none of us get anything for nothing. vide an organization such as AA known as a guy who never got In a I knew-the bottle. I happened to Because my life was such a void where I have been able to learn to tizzy about anything. Everyone be the son and grandson of physi- whcn I was first introduced to AA, like myself and to love them. remarked about my ability to get cians who were somewhat outstand- I had much to learn. In the past I am truly sorry for those who along with people and about the ing in their fields. I developed into eleven years I have put AA before think that belonging to AA means fact that I was so tolerant. The a truly mixed-up character. On everything-before my job, before only that we learn how to live truth of the matter was that I was one hand, I felt superior bccausr my parents and before my wife. I sober lives. Such is indeed a sober, not tolerant . . . I was indifferent. of my background, but at the same will always feel this way, for I know dull and uninteresting life! One Now I know that my indifference time I considered myself inferior that if I find no peace of mind for who is able to grasp the deeper was what the psychologists call because I felt I could not live up myself I cannot find it for others. meaning of AA never considers that

he no longer need attend meetings and it will be difficult to get away; a f t e r a considerable length of there is a job around the house or sobriety, any more than a true yard that just has to get done. It Christian feels he can stop going to all boils down to a feeling of obligachurch when he is no longer tion you have toward an organizatempted to break one of the Com- tion which has made it possible for mandments. An AA member who you to have a house or yard or has grasped the spirit of AA is wife or guests. What if every memadult enough to realize that there ber of the old guard used those will be times when he isn’t champ- timeworn excuses and some poor ing a t the bit to get to a meeting. devil in need of help walked into Of course there will be times when an empty hall? What about the it would be the easier to stay home ones who were there when you -the roads are icy; you have had needed help? a hard day’s work; you have a I know that if I ever forget, for headache or a backache; one of the one moment, any one of these facts, members is a source of annoyance; no one will lose but me. your wife has invited dinner guests Paul L. B., Montgomery, N. Y .

September 1959

to that accusation in a sardonic and speak piteously of “How it was quatrain: done in good old Yabber City.” The Devil was sick Your new AA neighbors, also in a . ‘I’hc Devil a monk would Iw! geographical grapple with AA, will ‘I’hch I)wil was well r , Ihc Ilevil a monk was he! chrc~rfully ignore your most poig- The remainder of one answer to nant allusions. the charge that AA meetings have Now you feel snubbed. Slighted. lost quality stems from a n under- Unwelcome. UNWANTED! The trickle standable confusion of identities. I t of meethgs ends. Youi. drift from is human. And we certainly enter “we share our experience, strength AA a little confused. and hope with each other” is com- Yet to identify AA with a par- plete. (Who said only your drinkticular building-a particular geo- ing experience, and the strength graphical area-is to confuse it. and hope of your first six months You might as well try to hammer is all you have to share?) Now down a star trail. If you should comes the drift from AA thinking. evt!r have to change residence, then The real tragedy has begun. frustration, hurt feelings and a T o identify AA with a particular sense of lonely alienation will once set of people is to confuse it. Some again smother you. will move away. Some must die. You will go to a few AA meetings Some will become “awfully busy” in your new town and you will feel and disappear. Some will drink like an outsider before you even get again. Eventually only you and there. You will moon a great deal “Good Old Joe” are left . . . to

“L OOK-look. Dammit, they ve that automatically straightens out taken our seats! AA sure when we stand up. Nor are thr has changed. These crum- positions of honor we seek for it my meetings ain’t what they used anywhere near so important as unto be. D’ya remember when me and folding i t a t frequent intervals in you and Good Old Joe used to hold some kind of an AA meeting. meetings over in the yabber-yabber- The meetings aren’t as good as yabber . . . man, that was REAL AA when we first came into AA? Is that . . . yabber-yabber-yabber.” true, now? Or could you have T o begin with, the only seat we changed a wee bit? Many years ago, can really call our own is the one Voltaire nailed down a part answer

snipe at each other for the role of cling to objects and things which lov’n’ care, I’ll be wounded to the Yabber City, man, we’ll show you patriarch amid a storm of ” u ~ p – time destroys without mercy.” quick. (Wherever that is.) My the purest, the utmost humble AA preciative” newer members. If AA is not a special town or heard will grow longer and grayer this side of Heaven. To identify AA with a particular building-if it is not a specific hy the milli-second. And I’ll sneer What about this twenty-four style of meeting is to confuse it. group of individuals–and if it is and whine through the straggles: hours? I shave every night, at least Once upon a time, in Yabber City not a particular style of meeting- “Now back in good old Yabber once every hour, and I join AA for example, back in the war days, then what is it? Here, as in so much . City . . yabber-yabber-yabber.” every morning. The Meeting was the Saturday of AA, you decide for yourself. Naturally, if you should come to Anon., La Grange, Zllinois . Night Open House. Every AA of For me, this is what it is: AA is consequence attended. And some of a way of life. (After a few seasons, us who weren’t. But rationing went the Twelve Steps seem to merge the way of the bustle. Automobiles into one entity fot many of us. We and gas once again became plenti- can then truly feel we have a way ful. Folks were no longer confined. of life different from any we ever TV surged into popularity. And a had before.) AA’s foundation is general population exodus to the that an alcoholic can recover. (He suburbs blossomed . . . soon the can get sober, and he can stay that Saturday Night Open House was way.) AA’s power is that an alcoas though i t had never been. Loud holic’s “permanent recovery on a lamentations. But it was over. temporary basis” depends entirely Done. on his willingness to grow spiritual- To identify AA with a particular ly. (We claim spiritual progress. style of meeting is to strait jacket Not spiritual perfection.) AA’s yourself “in a contingent and ma- price is: to keep what he is given terial order of things which inevit- in AA, an alcoholic must give it ably change and give way to some- away. Continuously. (This is a thing else.” (Apologies to Thomas paradox. But as with all tremen- Merton.) dously vital spiritual movements, AA membership, however, pros- AA has at least one cornerstone pered in its steady fashion. But far impervious to rational analysis.) too many of our “graybeards” were Of course, if 1 should ever visit seen less and less frequently at your group, and if you do not open other-style meetings. Today one en- your meeting with a quiet time and counters them-a little sadly-sober close it with the h r d ‘ s Prayer, 1’11 -their misty eyes light up as they yodel: “AA ain’t what it used to . recall “the good old days of AA . . be. What’s happening to these Open House yabber . . . when AA meetings, anyway? I don’t know was really AA.” how you folks stay sober! In fact, With another apology to Merton I don’t even know why.” –“They try to perpetuate things If, further, YOU fail to roll out that cannot be perpetuated. They the red carpet and tend me with

March 1960 – — – 1

several cases of drinking among drink and he knows quite a bit about members of many years of AA so- himself by now. He is also in some briety. I t is tragic for them and dis- sort of partnership with his Higher turbing to other members. An occa- Power. In fact he knows so much sional occurrence of this kind may about AA and himself that it has be expected for various reasons, but become so simple he sometimes feels when it occurs repeatedly it seems there is nothing really to be added that we should ask ourselves in what by talking much about it. The new way we might be failing our old eager-beavers will be on hand to take members? care of the Twelfth Step work and The AA book says that old timers run the group business so he goes may become elder statesmen, lend- into semi-retirement. ing their experience and advice when There is also the older member called upon. An old timer myself, I who has attained his sobriety and do not feel qualified to be an elder graduates. He becomes too busy or statesman, nor would that satisfy too tired to attend meetings. He me. I feel that one must keep up at- shows up every few months at a meettendance at meetings, interest and ing or not a t all. Some retain their activity in group matters, continue sobriety while others don’t, but all leading an occasional meeting, give are walking on the quicksand of alcopitches occasionally and maintain holic oblivion. work helping newcomers in order to The sad part is that this venerable keep up enthusiasm for the AA way old timer and these graduates feel of life. Enthusiasm is necessary for that they are living the program and marked success in any line. are staunch members. They still re- I sincerely feel that the newer gard AA as the greatest thing that membkrs need to try their wings in has come into their lives, even all branches of AA activity and that though they rarely attend meetings they should be given the opportu- anymore. They see a few A’A cronies nity by the group to do so. Naturally from time to time and they give lipthis cuts down on the activity of the service to AA over a cup or two of member who has been with the group coffee. But these members have lost for years, and rightly so. But when their enthusiasm and without it they the old timer sits back, saying less gradually begin looking for new and less at meetings, starts being a fields. These members are vulner-

‘ I the newcomer really the most mixed in with the old blood that is important Person in our meet- already there, giving it a needed ings? I’ve heard it said many boost. No one thinks of discounting times that he is and in truth he is the. or discrediting the importance of the spectator rather than a participator, able. Their protective armor has beand gradually misses more and more come rusty and when the need for it meetings, he is on dangerous ground. arises they may not be able to call He knows the fundamentals of the forth the teaching or thought that lifeblood of our movement. But, in old blood. AA program and the AA way of life. will produce clear honest decision. all trmfusions, the new lifeblood is I n our area lately there have been He knows he can’t take that first So, with all his knowledge and all

his years of good living, the old ing newer members on Twelfth Step timer drinks again. And he finds that calls. he doesn’t control it any better than To those old timers-those years he did before AA. Booze again con- of experience a t a life of sobriety are trols him. Since he now knows the valuable. At meetings you can make deadliness of drinking and realizes it a point to get around and talk to that the paradise of his past AA life new members or strangers instead is lost to him he is worse off than of limiting yourself to the lazy comever before. Sometimes he comes fort of visiting with old f r h d s . Welback and sometimes not. come visitors from other groups; sit The old timer does have some- with the guest speaker so he feels a t thing to give the group. His years home in your group where he may of study and progress and the stabi- not be known. Give of yourself, your lizing influence of his length of so- kindness and your love. Stress the briety prove to others that the AA positive success of the AA program program will work. He is a valuable and radiate the happiness that comes asset to the group. from the AA way of life. Be inter- AA is a do-it-yourself program ested and show it. Atove all, keep and it’s true that each member must on attending meetings in order that grasp it for himself. But can’t we do your AA thinking will stay shiny something to stimulate renewed en- and bright from constant use. Your thusiasm for the older member who constant attendance at meetings is starts to rest on his laurels? Let’s excellent Twelfth Step work. You solicit the help of the old timer and are a living example of the miracle make him feel useful around the of AA. group. There are many ways to serve No member is more important and still let newer members have than another, new or old. Our their turn at group work -perhaps strength is in our unity. as greeter at the door or accompany- Anon., San Fernando, Calif.

June 1960

W H A T DOES ” O L D – T I M E R ” REALLY M E A N ?

I have never heard anyone question the fact that there are newcomers in AA but there seems to be disagree- It seems to me, there IS such a thing as an old-timer. I would describe it as a long time sober person ment about whether or not there is who adheres, as best he can-one day such a thing as an old-timer in AA. at a time-to the principles of AA, Last night I heard a non-AA, as outlined in the Twelve Steps and while leading a meeting, say there Twelve Traditions. was no such thing as an old-timer in I’m working on my tenth year of AA! He said, “No one knows all sobriety, so I think of myself as a the answers; you are all just sober young old-timer. I would like to twenty-four hours at a time.” thank all the wonderful real old- I agree we are all sober twenty- timers who went before me in AA four hours at a time but I wondered and who worked out the principles of if the tern1 old-timer necessarily AA for the rest of us to follow. They nieant one who knew all the answers. have grown in wisdom and have set The dictionary describes an old- a fine example for the newer memtimer as one whose membership or bers to follow. cxpcrience dates from old tinies or M.L., New Jersey one who adheres to old time ideas or ways. The dictionary makes no mention of “knowing all the answers.” I don’t think Bill W. would claim to know all the answers and he is our co-founder.

June 1960

IT’S NEVER T I M E T O RETIRE .,*

I N an article about old-timers the program to graduate-doesn’t! which appeared in a recent issue Most of us readily admit that we of the Grapevine, the author refers owe AA a debt we can never repay. to a certain type of old-timer who With this in mind, it is difficult for bccomcs more and more inactive, me to understand how anyone who is until finally he graduates. It is my still capable of being active in AA humble opinion that the use of the can justify his decision to retire. The word gradlrute, in this instance, is mere fact that we cannot fully repay an error-tlisirrregrcrte is more accu- an honest debt does not excuse us in rate. the least from paying all we can. According to my conception of If I were to ask God for a very AA’s educational program, the indiv- special favor I couldn’t ask for anyidual AA is both student and teacher, thing finer than the privilege of payfor it is just as iniportunt to learn as ing off my debt up to my very last it is to teach. However, AA makes no moment on this earth, for only then provisions for the teacher to retire or will 1 be able to sily 1 have made the for the student to graduate. The AA program. who acquires enough knowledge of D. S., Surl Muteo, California

July 1960

me, I am only one drink away from has come around for AA to face a catastrophe. new problem: the diminishing old- M. B., Rucine, Wisconsin timers. * * * As a start on gathering and assimi- T HERE is not a single pamphlet for lating information, I would welcome the old-timers who go through two letters from anyone who cares to or three years in a nightmare before write me on this “Old-Timer Come managing to get back on to the AA Back Problem.” Maybe we can come program . . . or else. up with enough material for an Thanks to God I made it back. article in the Grapevine. Many was the time I thought about L. A . B., Prairie Village, Kansas the lack of help for old-timers * * * trapped as I was, but decided to wait So many of the old-timers who until I had made it dry again for one have been out of touch with AA for year. I finally did on St. Patrick’s day. a year or more are returning-some Brief comments and excerpts from letters containing opininons pro and/or Now I’m ready to pursue my ambi- who have had no trouble, others who I – the Grapevine itself) will appear in this con specific items (including tion to help other old-timers. have had. . . . ‘ corner from time to time. I had had ten years and eleven A . P . M., North Miami, Florida OLD-TIMER PROBLEM? months in AA when I fell off into a living hell. A year or so ago I wrote General H AVING three years’ sobriety be- toward the last, though. Maybe they hind me, I am not at all an felt they had served their time. . .. old-timer-neither a m I a newcomer “Let the younger ones take over. Late Services in New York for literature and received an apology that there to the program. These have been night calls are a nuisance and making , was no literature specifically for oldthree happy years. It is a joy to wake coffee and washing cups is tiresome.” timers; I was advised that I simply up in the mornings-no guilty con- You know what I hope? I hope try to start over as a beginner. This science, no remorse over yesterday, when I have ten years’ sobriety I will advice is right-up to the point where no despair at the outcome of today. remember that I wrote this. I hope the old-timer can again grasp his en- Lately, though, an uneasiness has 1 will remember that I decided that thusiasm for the program. This was been creeping in. I have watched two eternal vigilance is something an al- my fight. old-timers-each with more than ten coholic must always have. I hope I Now that I have had my year to years of sobriety-slip and slip again will remember that I know at least clear my head, I feel there are some and not be able to resume practicing one meeting a week is of utmost im- questions and answers that need to the AA program in their lives. Why portance to me and that it is part of come to light. But I want help from is this? These men had lived the pro- my responsibility to see to the logis- many others who have experienced gram well. They had practiced total tics of these meetings and not just sit what I have been through. And there abstinence for many years. They had back and wait for my valuable opin- are many, far too many, who still worked diligently with newcomers ions to be sought. And most im- haven’t made it back. and one had been very much in de- portant, I hope I will remember that A billion or more words have been mand as a speaker all over the state. I have just been sober today, and like written and spoken for the new mem- They did slack off going to meetings the poor, shaking creature next to ber. Perhaps now the cycle of time

September 1960

as hard as they had to get them. So resent his knowledge, wisdom, exthe only way I could make my own perience and sobriety. 1 hope I shall importance felt was to shut them up. always remember and be able to Then people would have to listen to apply that clicht of ours, Live and me-the great “I Am.” Thank God, Let Live. Let’s stop squelching this attitude lasted only a short time. I am truly sorry and ashamed, not So, I thank God for the old-timer. Without his knowledge, wisdom and experience to draw on, A A would be the old-timer only for my attitude, but for the damage my inflated ego may have nothing but yearlings . . . first graders. done the newcomer. I can only make I’m so glad I had foresight to see the An AA youngster’s honest amends for these things to AA as a error of my thinking and tryto change whole, by making sure that this nasty it; I want to go as far in this school inventory reveals jealousy attitude doesn’t creep into my per- of life as I have the ability to go. I of his AA elders sonality again. don’t want to have to stop at the first The term old-timer is used only as grade, for then I have faith without a yardstick for length of sobriety. So, works, which for me would mean old-timer, you too are still a young- insanity or death. I need and want ster compared to our co-founder Bill lots of help, so go ahead, old-timer D RY! What a horrible way to live, can only be enjoyed by us-the just dry, without any of the younger members with less sobriety. “fringe benefits” of the AA way of I thank my God, as I understand W. As cornparisions go, you see, he is the only real old-timer on this pro- -keep right on working and pitching for me. I want to live a sober and life. Yet that is just exactly what Him, every day of my life for the gram. I’m sure even the newest of happy life and for me you make all some AA youngsters would have the old-timers that He in His wisdom our members read Bill’s letters and that possible. so-called old-timers do from here on has given me the untold pleasure of articles with avid interest and don’t L.H., Hawthorne, California out. They don’t want them to speak knowing and for the chance to drink in meetings any more, they don’t of their vast knowledge and wisdom. want them to write articles for the I freely admit I owe my sobriety- Grapevine any more. In every way yes, my very life-to these old-timers. they want them to stop working that I believe that every youngster on the part of the Twelfth Step which says AA program, if he takes another quote, we tried to carry this message fearless and thorough evaluation of to alcoholics, unquote. himself, will find that he too is greatly By what stretch of the imagination in debt to the old-timer. do we, the youngsters on the AA pro- For a very short time I too felt as gram, think that this way of life is these others do. Then I sat down and designed only for us; that if you have took an honest inventory of the situabeen practicing these principles in tion and the result not only surprised all your affairs for some given num- me, it shocked me. I was actually ber of years you must stop, desist jealous of the old-timers. I resented from and call a screeching halt to the their years of sobriety and experipracticing of these principles? They ence. I wanted all the things they had, are no longer for you, old-timer, they but I didn’t want to work as long or

September 1960

glowing warmth of self-esteem that enjoyed a very stimulating ego infla- quite simply it can be put on paper can so easily develop when the tion. We agreed that it had been a as 100 in ‘39,200 in ‘40,400 in ’41, climate is right. very fine group meeting; and we con- and so on, up to the astounding fact Back in 1953 at the Yale Summer gratulated each other on having had that as of 1960 we should have School session on alcoholism I had the opportunity to straighten out 209,715,200 members in AA. an experience that has stuck with me. a clergyman. We stopped by the Now that’s a lot of people! That’s It was hot in New Haven that July; so rooms assigned to AA for a cup of a lot more people than there are in hot that many of us spent a lot of coffee; and, of course, we boasted a these United States. But there it is. time, nights, lying out on the campus bit to other AA members we found So what have we actually accomgrass instead of trying to sleep in the there. plished? dormitory rooms. Among them was an AA member Let’s be both fair and reasonable One evening I was one of three from the army engineers, a fellow with ourselves and assume that we AAs who were part of a small group who was quick with the figures. He probably have-including the many hashing over some of the things we listened to our remarks about the who cannot be counted-at least had been hearing in the lectures. A poor frustrated clergyman who had 200,000 former drunks now sober young clergyman from North Caro- managed to sober up only two drunks and living a normal life as a result of lina was one of the group. He told us in two full years of effort. To our AA, in the U. S. that he was attending the school in amazement and chagrin, the army So, if we assume that it should be order to learn enough about alcoho- engineer AA spoke up and said: a dead cinch to twelfth-step just one lism to be able to do a better job in “If you fellows will stop and think drunk per year per member into AA, dealing with the many alcoholics in for a minute you’ll realize that our then we are entitled to whatever satishis congregation and in his home friend the clergyman is actually doing faction we can derive from the fact community. He told us that for two a whale of a job; a damned sight that we have actually accomplished years he had been struggling despera- better job than most of us are doing.” just one-tenth of one per cent of what tely with nine different victims of He then went on to point out that, we should have accomplished. alcoholism and he felt that he had starting with 1939 when we assume So let’s not be smug about it. been successful in only two cases. there were just 100 drunks sobered I have tried many a time to defend No doubt you know how we-the up and on the beam in AA, if each myself against the above brutal facts. AA members-felt about it all. Sure, member of AA had been successful Of course I know-and everybody we felt sorry for him. The poor devil, in Twelfth Step work only to the seems to agree-that there just isn’t extent of just one person each year anything else that even approaches I ‘ve been wondering, lately, whether we so called old-timers aren’t getting a bit smug about our wonderhe just didn’t understand that he had two strikks on him to start with. Just what could he, a non-alcoholic-and the membership of AA in 1953 would have been 1,638,400. AA as far as results are concerned. But try as I may, I’m damned if I can ful AA. More and more we read worst of all, a clergyman-expect to Today I got to thinking about the name just one person that I can claim about the doctors, clergymen, law accomplish? Why didn’t he turn the terrific deflation carried by that definitely as a successful Twelfth Step enforcement officials, and so on, who job over to AA and let people who simple fact; and I got to wondering job of my own. And I’ve really been are telling the world (and us) that know how to straighten out the what the present score would be if trying for a little over nineteen years. there’s just nothing that can do the drunks do something about it? we had all accomplished just the one- Guess I’ll just have to reassess the job AA is doing. And I’m wondering When the group finally broke up a-year bit from 1939 to the present. old humility; stop being smug; and whether some of us (including my- and went off to try to sleep we three It doesn’t take long. There’s a try a little harder. self) aren’t beginning to bask in the very well-satisfied AA members had mathematical formula for it; but F. H. C., Phoenix, Arizona

December ‘?. , .. -. .;<&IF -T LZ helped them recover; they will sing It is more probable, however, that .<; its praises; they will urge those “who most of the “fall-outs” are the result + need it” to attend; But they, them- of two basic reasons: 1) the resur- . .+ ..-. selves, no longer feel any need of gence of the ego, and 2) boredom. association with AA and, as the All of us are familiar with the ‘ . poem goes, “. . . fold their tents like subtle temptation of success; we are the Arabs and as silently steal away.” aware of the very potent danger of – No survey, to my knowledge at sobriety which, producing in us a I’ least, has been made as to the reasons sense of well-being and happiness for the “fall-out” but I am sure that may often along with these splendid 1′ being human beings these old timers results develop the belief that we, by have as many reasons as they them- ourselves, have produced the soselves number. And again, being briety. human beings, their motivations are Forgotten are the horrors of acute mixed-good and bad, conscious and alcoholism; banished are the memsubconscious. ories of the tragic experiences we Some might have what might be inflicted on ourselves and others. considered valid reasons: they are, With the return to normal physical, for example, now devoting as much mental, and spiritual well-being of their spare time as they can to many, alas, forget the source of their other actiiities which are in them- recovery and consciously or unconselves valuable and of service not only sciously accept the credit themselves. . to the alcoholic participating in them, How can we hold the active interest of but to others. Many as they attain our indispensable “elder statesmen”! stability in their sobriety plunge into church work; others may become in- T HE old timer is like the weather. Everybody talks about him but nobody does much about him-but prepared to cover this question. While the definition of an old timer must necessarily be vague, there is volved in a social agency, serving on a hospital board, or as a volunteer, or in a child welfare association; still not for lack of interest and concern. no doubt what those concerned have others, especially women, find it nec- There’s hardly a meeting or gather- in their minds. They are thinking essary, just because they are sober ing of AA members concerned about and worrying about the man or and capable of responsibility again, their group and the future of AA as woman who, after one, two, three, to devote all their time to their homes Thus, they begin to’feel, they no a whole which sooner or later does ten or fifteen years of close participa- and families. longer need AA. They will always be not arrive at the problem of the old tion in the fellowship, drops away With this sort of growth in respon- grateful, they say, to AA but now timer and what to do about him. from meetings and is seen no more sibility and eagerness to be of service, they will go it alone. For the past few years delegates except as he or she may be encoun- no AA member will quarrel, but per- All of us who have continued in to the General Service Conference tered on the street or in some other haps through tactful approach these AA know that the basic remedy for L v e suggested, both from the floor social gathering. old timers can be persuaded to main- this very human-not just alcoholicand in private conferences with staff These “fall-outs” are, almost uni- tain at least a token relationship with way of thinking is continuing assomembers of the General Service versally, kindly disposed toward AA; the fellowship. ciation with our group where we are Office, that a special pamphlet be they will tell any questioner that AA

f'”

7 . :’-,+ – reminded every time we attend that to say about AA itself and its pro- the twenty-year men and women Too many of the stories of recov- – ; we are sober thanks to “the grace of gram? Do we let the same people do provides an en?rmous source of ery are short-term affairs. They ‘ God and AA” and not as the result all the speaking? Do we try to get hope for the new man, wondering paint sobriety as seen in the honey- . of our own wisdom, strength, or different points of view presented? how he can ever maintain his sobri- moon stages when all is bliss and ,’ ability. Do we discuss the program step ety as he is being told he must be rapture. But the old timer knows The other basic reason for the by step? How often do we take up prepared to do. better. He knows that life does not “fall-out” is boredom. The old timer the Traditions? Do we have discus- Some groups have found this roll out the red carpet just because will report that he has heard Bill’s sion about what an AA member can challenge to the old timer an effec- he stopped drinking; that, in fact; and Charley’s and Tom’s and Mary’s do when he wants a drink so badly tive way to maintain his interest. He because he did stop drinking and and Margaret’s stories so often he, he can taste it? Do we discuss the can be relieved of the minutiae of become capable of responsibility, too, can repeat them. And while he pitfalls in recovery and point out AA, of serving on committees or he may find his life even more commay still retain a warm affection for the booby-traps lying in the path of making coffee or doing the other plicated and difficult than it was AA and gratitude to it, he sees no the careless AA? jobs to which we introduce the new before. value in returning night after night to What about carrying the message? man. He can, if he desires, think of listen to alcoholic travelogues. And Are we covering the mental hospi- himself as one of the elder statesmen so he drops out. tals, the drying-out places, the clin- on whom others call for advice when ics, the jails and industrial schools things get snarled up. in our area? What sort of liaison But he must be told that no one have we worked out with the doctors else can present the picture he can and the ministers in our town? Do of long, effective and maturing sothe social agencies such as family briety which has inestimable value societies or child welfare associa- for the new man. Any AA, even tions know about AA-and how we the new man, can tell what hapcan help? pened to him when he got drunk. And only the old timer can tell In the exploration and solution of But who, other than the old timers, of the deep-down joy that comes these questions the old timers are can paint the joys and tribulations, from being able to wrestle with But let it be remembered again- the ones to provide the leadership, the happiness and the heartaches, difficulties and the very real satisfaceach old timer is different from every and challenging them in this man- the successes and failures of sobriety tion that follows a defeat which can other AA veteran. No one program, ner may hold many to the group and as can the old timer. be accepted with courage and equatherefore, can solve this problem nor bring others back. nimity. a single pamphlet meet the issue. Many old timers will recall in No new man can know these But each AA group would do well their earlier days in AA their special things; no new man can even conto carry out some self-examination, responsibility was emphasized. It ceive them. They sound spurious in to “makc an honest and searching was pointed out that many a new print and even suspect when first inventory. . . .” Questions to be asked man, discouraged and beaten when heard. But their continued expresand explored would include: How he first comes to AA, finds it impos- sion by the stable, maturing old timer carefully do we plan our meetings? sible to believe that he can stay carries its own conviction ,and Do we balance our speakers between sober for a day or a week, much teaches the new man something he those providing experiences for the less a year or more. The presence must learn, not just about alcoholsake of identification for the new at meetings of the five-year, or the ism, but about life. man and those who have something ten-year, or now, as we have them, No one way will hold or win back

2 ,, . . :’ all the old timers. But it is possible ways in which their affection for with studied effort to bring each AA AA and underlying desire to help group more into line with the basic others may be channeled back into aims of the fellowship, to make it a the main AA stream. : community of the recovering rather The AA fellowship is now twentythan a mutual self-admiration so- five years old-a real old timer itself. ciety, and hence make its meetings It cannot afford to be just a fellowmore attractive, more compelling, ship for the new man. It must conand more helpful. tinue to attract, hold and utilize the It is also possible by quiet discus- concerns and the abilities of the old sion with old timers, seeking out the timers. reason each has fallen away, to find J . P. L., North Haledon, N. J .

February 1961

feelings A1 was voicing. During that I thought was just “one drunk talking time I talked much and often about to another” was already the property, the “necessity of growth”; “accepting not of just a few of us, but probably the facts of things as they are”; “living in today, not yesterday or tomorrow.” I had never applied those of the ages, for all mankind wanted to profit by it. rho Saying, “I must live in today, not words to my own attitude toward AA yesterday or tomorrow,” I persisted AA Is Getting Too Organized! as a whole. Mostly I talked about how wonin declaring that AA of yesterday was better, or was the real AA. I derful AA was when I first came in. continually pined for AA’s yesterday, So thinks a conservative old-timer I was often heard bewailing the loss feared for its tomorrow (oh, me of Bur the Fellowship is the only place of some quality of the movement that little faith). I where both “conservatives” and “radicals” had impressed me during my first While saying, “Groups are getting can win-at the same time year or so of sobriety. I face it now: too big-we don’t get to know each I was pining day after day for the other,” I kept on taking new men E’RE getting entirely too cious, intense, burningly sincere and calendar to turn back, in AA’s to the biggest meetings in town and “W big,” he said. genuinely concerned about AA, he’s &’Andtoo organized. We get too almost as prodigal of words and opinhistory, and leave it where I thought it was, when I first came in-as if my feeble first glimpses of AA were the to an annual dinner in which thousands of members joined-so they much publicity. We’re in danger of ions as he has been, for ten years or could share the inspiration I found losing the blessings of intimacy, the so, of his heart, time, money and whole reality, or the way things there. I didn’t give a thought to the person-to-person touch. We forget energy in personal Twelfth Step should be! fact that each year at the dinner there that this outfit is based simply on one work. Memories, anyone? Is anybody were more and more faces I knewdrunk talking to another. We don’t Almost everyone would agree, I here reading his own story? old and new. need any fancy headquarter’s and big think, Al’s a fine and useful AA While saying, “it is necessary for You know what? None of AA’s conventions and TV shows.” member, doing a good job. God bless me to grow as a person to maintain new growth or procedures, I see My friend-I’ll call him Al-went him. I can never hope to match him my AA sobriety,” I had tacitly denied now, have ever interfered during that on: “Why, when I came in nobody in energy output, time spent in AA the inevitable corollary: AA grows, delicate moment when I talk face-totalked about conferences, and public activity, number of persons helped, too. Who wants to stop it? Shall we face with a scared new member. In relations: That sounds like Madison or in’spirituality. eliminate the last 100,000 or so fact, it seems to me the opportunities Avenue, not like a spiritual move- I was surprised to hear him across members who came in-and close the are now enhanced, and are greater ment. All this organizing for informa- the table echoing the very words I doors, except to a screened minority, than ever. And so are the responsit tion and fund-raising is contrary to had once said. He was articulating for the future? bilities, of course. the spirit of AA. my own feelings of some years ago. Saying, “I must continually accept During my “there’s too much or- “And another thing: why are That this man whose AA life had . the facts and truths of life as they ganization” period I was delighted doctors and other outsiders asked to inspired me so often should sound are,” I had quietly, grudgingly re- to see a local central office opened I speak at our meetings? They need us, this way was disappointing. I’m sorry fused to accept the fact that AA is so we could be surer that each pro- , ! we don’t need them.” this sounds smug. I had discarded the a world-wide movement which has spective member who inquired got I think you have to listen, respect- views he held and thought that caused international reverberations, individual attention. fully, when the man who talks like everyone else had changed to my new and has influenced the non-alcoholic Oh, the human beings on its staff this is a guy whose quality of sobriety views too-or should! world immensely. It was world-wide and guiding committee do things of ,

commands your admiration. Loqua- I had spent ten years nursing the when I found it (in 1945), so what which I disapprove, to be sure. So?

Because it isn’t all run as I think it I gather it was ever thus in AA, should be, am I to be a disgruntled and we’re going to live over and over “go it aloner” and refuse to help in again the hard struggle that began the the over-all job of carrying the with the writing of the book, “Alcomessage? No thanks. Instead of pick- holics Anonymous.” As I understand ing up my marbles (bottles?) and it, some members (conservatives?) going home, I prefer to stay with my opposed the idea. They thought it people, and help where I can. Maybe smacked of promotion, might give I can improve the operation, or at wrong impressions, would be “selling least learn why it’s done the way it the program.” Others (radicals?) is. The other fellows just may be felt deeply that such risks should be right. run to make the message more widely Sometimes I don’t like a Grape- available-especially to those who ( vine article, or I feel that something could not be contacted in person. which should be printed is censored I’m selfishly glad the book got out. I know two people who say they published. It and some subsequent resent being reminded their subscrip- publicity about AA saved my life. tions are running out! They deplore I’m glad, too, for the TV shows, “promotion.” But all three of us get movies, books, and articles about too much good out of it to stop read- AA; also for the many doctors, ing it or to stop passing copies and clergymen, and public officials who subscriptions along. learned all they could about AA and I think it’s now my duty to do as a result pushed a score of my best everything in my pswer to make our AA friends in our direction. message available to everyone who I’m equally glad that the “consemhas qse for it. To whom can we say atives” pointed out the dangers of no-narcotic addicts, neurotics, pros- promotion and firmly reminded the titutes, ex-cons, homosexuals, people promoter types, like me, that we’re of other races, doctors, psychiatrists, essentially a spiritual movement. or government officials who deal with Their wise words of caution helped alcoholics? preserve much of what I now love It’s scarey to realize how many best about AA. people such “playing God” could I hope my friend Al becomes as condemn to death. From the ranks happy and unfearful about today’s arrayed above, have come some of Alcoholics Anonymous, all aspects the best AA people I know. I need to of it, as I am now. There are signs. do all I can to support my local serv- He’s been elected to do a General ice office, our world service office, Service job. He says, “I don’t like and the Grapevine. it, but here I am, so I’ll do it.” That’s But my friend A1 felt quite differ- A1 all right. ently. < Anonymous, New York City

‘ F e b r u a r y 1961

church -member of the Board of else, proof positive that AA works, active service, will forever remain a Trustees. I now get up any time from and if he gets to one meeting again, mystery to me. 4 to 6 A . M ., and keep busy all day. he may keep coming. Remember, it Before we commit ourselves to a By the time 8 P . M . comes I don’t took a miracle to get him to his first. program for coddling the old-timers . want to go anywhere to anything! Anonymous, North Carolina back into activity we need to remem- About the old-timer Now what kind of a “fall-out” am ber that the old-timer is already in- A word in behalf of the old-timer! I? My sobriety has been unbroken Note how much o f the AA program this debted to AA for the years of sobriety If an old-timer and a “fall-out” are member carries info”ALL of his affairs.” he enjoyed before he qualified as an since coming to AA. I have every However, absence from meetings does not old-timer and that he dropped out the same, as suggested in your De- copy of the Grapevine since its be- by any means work for everyone. The I

cember article, “The Care and Nur- ginning, and read an article daily on Editors of AA in a sober frame of mind, ture of the Old-Timer,” then I arising. Also the thought, medita- with no valid reasons. qualify to speak for one old-timer, tion and prayer for the day in In face of these cold, relentless, because I have stopped attending “Twenty-Four Hours a Day.” I have I have heard so much discussion and well established facts, it is my meetings! It wasn’t done intention- all of the recordings of talks available about what should be done for the humble opinion that the responsil ally but nevertheless I stopped going through the General Service Office. old-timer, I have come to regard the bility for inducing the old-timer to to meetings. Why? As the article sug- I have dozens of tape recordings of old-timer problem much in the same emerge from a state of idleness into gests, it could be insurgence of the AA talks and meetings, and play manner Mark Twain regarded the a state of activity, is solely the reego, and it could be boredom. There them over often. That brings Bill, premature report of his death. It is sponsibility of the old-timer himself. could also be more valid reasons. Dr. Bob, and others right into my my personal opinion that the answer D. S., San Mateo, Calif. You be the judge. home. I thank God daily for AA and to this problem can be found in the When I came to AA someone said my sobriety. concluding sentence of our accepted that the only requirement for mem- My Twelfth Step work was so dis- definition of Alcoholics Anonybership was a desire to stop drinking. couraging the thought occurred to mous: “Our sole purpose is to stay That hasn’t changed, has it? me that maybe I could make it more sober and to help other alcoholics There are many reasons why I do effective in another way. My wife to achieve sobriety.” not attend meetings. One big reason and I are grateful that it has been our Many of our members are sincere -I gotvoutof the habit. With sobriety, privilege to make possible a twelve in their desire to help these old-timers my business prospered and expanded. bed hospital for acute alcoholics to who drop out of AA because of ego- I married-bought a farm nine miles be completed before the end of this tism or boredom, but in view of the in the country – am active in my year. Someone said at my first meet- fact that these bleeding deacons are ing, “You work the program your sober, the project of helping them own way.” I have tried to do that. to achieve sobriety requires a bit of Maybe the other old-timers, like doing. me, are largely victims of age and How anyone can justify diverting inertia, and like me, are proud and any of his time from achieving the grateful members of AA, working sole purpose of an AA, to helping the the program their own way, even ungrateful old-timer, who deliberthough not attending meetings. ately and soberly repudiates his obli- Why not have a meeting once a gation to AA and drops out of the year to which the so-called old-timer Fellowship while he is still physically is especially invited. He is, if nothing and menially capable of -rendering

July 1961

children and vacationers, all glori- bruises, which bloomed all summer ously spirited and tanned. A few long. were hilarious, having rushed to the I felt ‘ I was a pretty anonymous dock from early cocktails. drinker. I rarely drank in public and LOST- But 1 was not hilarious. I was seldom, I was convinced, appeared drunk in public. Surely what 1 did in drunk. Upright, smiling, and glassythe privacy of my own home was my ONE ANONYMITY eyed. As usual. My little express wagon, the only means of transport- own business. My husband, however, ing anything to our house, was filled did not share my views. He drank with groceries bought at the last mo- mildly, and often not at all, and he ment to prove what a good wife 1 could not understand why his baby was. had to have her bottle. Conscious of error, 1 mumbled Well, baby didn’t know why either. apologetically, “Oh, dear, the wagon’s But one thing we both knew was that already loaded!” our summers were becoming more unpleasant and more intolerable. In My husband glared, then cried in the next two years, I ceased meeting a ringing voice: “To hell with the the ~ r i d a ~ – n i g h t boat. In fact, 1 never wagon. You’re the onc that’s loaded!” left the cottage if I could help it. The There was a lull. Someone laughed. week ends were nightmares of at- Then the babble resumed and I slunk tempted control overdrinking. I tried through the crowd, dragging the to hide the extent of it, but it was difwagon behind me, sure that everyone ficult when 1 almost drowned during was watching. By concentrating on some drunken swimming episodes. the white line along the edge of the As the problem progressed, so did narrow plank walk, I managed to the guilt and remorse. 1 tried to stop The Post O@ce was communications negotiate the six blocks to the cot- drinking and could not. 1 was very tage. I often fell off the walks, par- much afraid now. Something I didn’t center in this little seaside resort, and the good ticularly at night. In the middle of a comprehend had hold of me and was conversation 1 would simply vanish running me. folks there really carried from sight and would have to be resthe message cued from the sand below. 1 consid- The last miserable summer of my ered this amusing and not at all ex- drinking, I heard rumors about a traordinary. Other drinkers did the woman who clerked at our one gensame thing. It was customary. Ex- eral store. Rumor had it that she was A T six-thirty on Friday evening my husband arrived for the week end. During the hour-and-a-half trip laden with packages, mostly items I had requested, including five pounds of kidneys for the cats. pected. Just like getting a “little high” on week ends was customary, and expected. an alcoholic, that she had joined AA, and hadn’t had a drink for two years. Every time I entered the store 1 eyed from the city he’d been jammed verti- The ferryboat dock on the island, But my husband had ceased to her with curious fascination. She was . cally into .a train bearing a thousand where he finally landed after cross- be amused by my antics, especially fairly young, attractive, pleasant. I other week-end commuters to the ing the bay from the mainland, was when he surveyed my deep purple wondered how she had known she beach. He was hot and tired. He was crowded. In fact it surged with wives,

was an alcoholic. And what was AA, was going to know it. I brought no anyhow? slogans to tack on my walls, my AA Then one day she was no longer books and the Serenity Prayer were ‘at the store. Someone, that morning, kept in a drawer, and my husband had found her fallen off a boardwalk, was sworn to silence. So far as I flat oh her back in the sand, and knew, there were no other AA memdead-drunk. ‘ bers in our village; if there had been, One or two women seemed to feel I would have shunned them for fear sorry for her; the other residents they might disgrace my beloved AA. shrugged and implied “once a drunk, Because 1 did love it with all my always a drunk,” and what could heart, and so did my husband. 1 you expect? wanted no one to cast aspersions on The woman disappeared from the anything so great and so miraculous. village, but th6re were other tales of It had saved my life, my sanity, my .other drunks who had “tried AA.” marriage; believe me, I was grateful. The year before, a young couple had The problem of meetings was rented a house for a month. They pleasantly solved. Only a few miles were summer regulars and in former away, in another small community, years had opened and closed the bars. were some staunch AA members with ings, sponsored a few fledglings and But last year they not only arrived many years of solid sobriety. They had made many wonderful friends. cold sober, they had brought along held a closed meeting once a week at When it was time to move to the AA slogans which they had thumb- one of their homes and I talked to at beach, I left my address and phone The next day she dropped in for tacked to their walls. least one of them by phone every number with a few members. coffee. She told me she had informed Before ten days were up, both of day. I explained the reason for my all of the town’s bartenders that she them were drunk and back at the anonymity in my own community. 1 didn’t realize my error until an was in AA. She had also posted a bars. This year they hadn’t been seen They said it was up to me; none of afternoon in midJuly. On that sunny notice in the general store inviting at all. Similar tales were told over them would give me away. quiet afternoon, a strange woman any friends of Bill W. to visit her. She cocktails drunk by people who could Well, with various excuses for not knocked on my door. Someone in the had spotted two drunks the night be- “take it or leave it,” or hoped they drinking, I got through that first sum- city had directed her to me. She was fore and handed them AA pamphlets. could. The subject of AA was one mer. I had become allergic to alcohol, a new member of AA, spending her She was filled, I saw, with missionfor humor, or scorn. I usually said, which was no lie. In vacation here. She was overjoyed to ary zeal. I was filled with misgivings. I t didn’t occur to me, then, that fact, dining with friends one evehing find another member to talk to. What if she had a slip during her their reactions might be based on in one of the cafes, my host pro- I was delighted too. We had coffee, vacation? Wasn’t our town skeptical ignorance, or that some may have claimed with great amusement that I we talked AA, and I explained that enough without more proof? I been motivated by secret fear of their was a member of AA, and everyone no one in town knew I was a mem- However, my qualms seemed unown problems. laughed merrily. Big joke! ber. I told her of the meetings in the justified. A quiet week followed. The next town and invited her to go with new member and I had coffee nearly Therefore, the following summer, Come fall, I breathed a sigh of re- me. Really, I was quite pleased to every day. We attended one closed when I myself had become a member lief. I had weathered the summer meet her. ‘1 didn’t even mind her meeting together and planned to atof AA, I was grimly determined that with my anonymity intact. I looked using my phone to call her two spon- tend the next, which it was my turn no one, ever, in that beach town, forward to my second summer with sors long distance. to lead.

engulfed me. She’d had no right to break my anonymity. It was against “That’s what I said. Will power.” sarily drinking ones. Many were all the precepts of AA. I let it lay. In my book he was no spiritually hungry, many were going I started saying the Serenity Prayer alcoholic and never had been. Just a through deep emotional crises. Many over and over and over. I knew I heavy drinker, scared into sobriety. aspects of our program appealed to couldn’t afford rage or resentment. (I Returning to my own problem, I them: t h e Serenity P r a y e r , t h e kept telling myself I couldn’t until a called my friend in the next village twenty-four hour living; the belief lot of the anger left me.) I knew I had and rclated my tragedy. She was sym- that change is possible. On the morning of the meeting, I to accept what I couldn’t change. I pathetic, but she said, “Try to look Former acquaintances became real made my daily trek to the post office had to! at it this way. Your broken ano- friends. I heard no more jokes about for the mail. The post office is small Just as I was feeling a little more nymity may be part of a pattern you AA, and I thought that at last they and it is always jammed to the doors calm, I heard the rattle and bump of don’t understand as yet. Have faith, were able to see for themselves that with women, children, men and ani- the gas tank delivery cart. I went out try to belicve that only good will AA could, and did, work. mals. It smells of sea water, sun lo- on the porch to insure the new tank come of it.” Life was beautiful. I was so filled tion and wet dogs. was installed without squashing my with gratitude that all my days were I didn’t share her optimism, but a delight and I ran around like a com- My AA friend stood in the thick flowers and shrubs. the summer passed without further of the crowd. Behind a grilled win- When the operation ended success- bination Pollyanna and Dr. Freud. mention by anyone of the great dow the postmaster was unhurriedly fully, I turned to re-enter the house. post-officc revelation. The anonymity ‘ sorting mail and depositing it in the The delivery man called after me, Toward the end of that summer, breaker returned sober to the city, our town acquired a badly needed boxes. Without any preliminary salu- “Sure was surprised to hear you usta for which I was thankful. (Of course tation my new friend called out be a drunk, Miz- . Used t’be a item: a plumber all our own. Water 1 had threatened to strangle her if she pumps were forever going on the loudly: “You’re leading the AA drunk myself. I got in all kinds a lifted that first one in my town.) meeting. tonight, aren’t you? What trouble, so I just up and quit twenty blink, cesspools were forever overtime are we going to Blankville?” years ago, and I ain’t had a drink flowing, gasoline pumps refused to By the next summer, anonymity pump, drains clogged, and pipes “Seven,” I mumbled. No longer since. Didn’t go to no AA, neither. didn’t worry me much. I was think- sprang leaks. Until his advent, we’d caring if there was mail or not, I tried Will power. That’s what it takes.” ing more of others now. I felt ready had to depend on casual service from to escape. My exit was barred by one “Most people don’t have that much and willing to help anyone I could. huge dog, two fat women in shorts, will power,” I said, gritting my teeth. the mainland, and so he was wel- However, this didn’t include our sea- comed with open arms. the owner of the general store, and “Most people need help.” sonal crop of drunks who expressed Shortly after his arrival, he paid the gas tank delivery man. “Maybe so, but that AA thing no desire, honest or otherwise, to stop “Mail’s ready,” announced the don’t seem to work so good. Drunks me a call. The gas man had sent him drinking. I knew enough to leave to me on the premise that two expostmaster. In the general scramble, still get drunk. Around here, least- them alone. I didn’t run about re- I fled. On the way home I thought of wise.” drunks and AA members should get minding everyone that I was an AA together. The new man and I had brilliant evasions I could have made. “Alcoholism is a disease,” I stated member, but whenever the drink Such as, “Oh, the Art Association firmly. “Alcoholics are sick people. coffee and got acquainted. He was a question came up, I made no bones nice fellow, Tom. Obliging and meeting,” or perhaps, “the Animal Even doctors say it’s a disease.” about my status. friendly. He’d been sober over two Admirers’ Guild.” “Do, huh? Whyn’t they cure it, But I hadn’t, and everyone now then?” And very strange things began years and he loved AA. knew my secret. Of that I felt posi- “There isn’t any cure,” I said. “We happening. People I had known casu- We hit it off fine from the start. tive. stay sober by staying away from the ally now sought my company. They Whenever he had a spare minute, he Once home, anger and resentment let down their hair and discussed stopped by for coffee and AA talk. first drink a day at a time.” their problems with me, not neces- He had lost his family through drink

went around telling everyone how wonderful I was, and how he was going to make me proud of him. He was, in short, going to stay sober for , me. This time his resolve held firm for two weeks. Then the phone calls started again. Tom had not shown up at all, drunk or sober. He’d been seen

*bpthe was in hopes of getting them how many times I tried to explain back.. He felt sure that if he stayed that Tom had to “get sober for him- – At least every other day I had calls from distrait householders implyon the mainland, oiled to the eyebrows. A delegation of home owners and business people called on me. They offered to pay for hospital care if I sober and established himself in busi- self”; that he could not, or would not, ing that I, as a member of AA, should could get Tom into one. Through an ness, paid off .his creditors and be- unless and until he himself “wanted” know the whereabouts of Tom and AA contact on the mainland I got haved himself in general, his wife to be sober. should be able to hustle him over to word to Tom. He declined with would return to the family nest, bring- My own emotions were not always fix pumps, wells or pipes. drunken hauteur. He could sober up ing the offspring with her. Butiwhen the most charitable. Especially when By now I wished heartily that Tom alone; he didn’t need charity. the fall and winter came and this did my phone rang in the early morning would disappear for good, before he Then he dropped from sight altonot happen, Tom grew desperate. He before coffee and the conversation blackened forever the shining name gether. Reports filtered in that he had stayed sober for his family and went something like this: of AA and made it again a subject of was in jail, in jams; that he’d been they did not appreciate it. What was “Tom’s passed out on our living- derision in the village. rolled, beaten up. Occasionally I rethe use of trying to do better? Who room sofa; can you do anything?” From that thought the next one ceived unintelligible calls from bars cared? What difference did itamake? “Not much,” I’d say. “Can you let leaped out: “How can Tom do this and hotels. Tom’s voice. I always Tom stayed away from meetings him sleep it off?” 4 to me?” tried to find out where he was, and and early the next spring he got “We haven’t any water,” the voice That was the idiotic reaction which whenever possible I set mainland drunk. He telephoned me in the city would complain. “He took our pump finally woke me up. I realized I was members on his trail. Nothing did to tell me about it and to assure me apart before he passed out and I can’t feeling sorry for me, not for Tom. I any good and it was heartbreaking. he’d had his lesson, and was off the fix it.” had completely overlooked one of the stuff for good. Summer arrived, the “Some black coffee might help,” I first tenets of AA; that in trying to In the village, people seemed more beach town was again populated, and would suggest. help others we help ourselves. baffled than critical. Several asked Tom was trying to take care of every- “He’s dead to the world,” was the I was sober, wasn’t I? Having Tom me why AA was able to help some one’s plumbing problems-with a answer. “Found an empty fifth of gin around had certainly kept me re- and not others. I explained that a bottle in his lunch box. by his lunch box. You coming down minded of my own problem, hadn’t drunk is a sick person. He is ex- He avoided me and I didn’t pursue here?” it? Where was my love and compas- actly like any other sick person who him. I was sad, and mad; sorry, and “There’s nothing I can do till he sion for my fellow alcoholic? goes to a doctor for help, only in his exasperated. People I knew and peo- wakes up,” I’d object. Ashamed of myself, I hunted up case AA happens to be ihe doctor. ple I did not know stopped me on the “Well, I wish you’d come, anyhow. Tom and invited him for coffee, any- The doctor prescribes treatment, but street to ask why I couldn’t do some- My wife wants him off the sofa. We’re time, drunk or sober, no strings or no doctor goes with a patient to have thing for poor Tom. I lost count of expecting guests on the next boat.” lectures attached. Delighted, Tom the prescription filled, nor does he

follow the patient home to see that he help visiting members who were new takes his medicine. Any sick person and shaky and brought to my house wanting to get well must do as the for AA sharing. I have more real doctor suggests. In AA, those who friends than I ever had. I have get well are those who follow the entered into the life of the community doctor’s prescription. Those who re- and am doing my share of civic work. main ill, or keep having relapses, The “civilians” have accepted me, are those who do not, for one rea- and I have accepted them. I have son or another, follow the doctor’s learned to relate to the world around advice. me in a normal happy fashion. I meet Slowly, gradually, the attitude of the Friday-night boat with an unmost people seemed to change to- loaded wagon and a sober me. And ward the alcoholic and AA. Voices Tom? Well, he has been sober now were sympathetic, if still puzzled, for several twenty-four hours. He when they spoke of Tom. They re- seems to want to get well this time, ferred to him as being sick. They just for Tom, and I think he will. pulled for him to “get well.” 1 no longer regret the loss of my A lost anonymity is not very imown anonymity. Some good has come portant, after all. Not so long as we of it, and no bad. The village resi- have faith that our primary purpose dents know more about the alcoholic is to carry the message to the alcoand about AA than they might have holic who still suffers. known otherwise. I’ve been able to F C., New York City

July 1961

An older member speaks out From Guelph, Ontario: With all the success of our Fellowship, one per cent of all alcoholics have as yet found this blessed way of life, with its restoration to usefulness and serenity. The older members, including the writer, have, we feel, a very essential place in the various groups in helping bring this program of sharing to the new member. For, indeed, we found willing AA members at the dobr with the warmest welcome possible when we knocked in our great need. AA has no seniority, for which the Higher Power be thanked, but let us never feel that we do not need meetings in order to give of what we possess. Over here we look forward to the day when the universality of AA will be emphasized by a Canadian city being host to an international confcrencc. [See Confivence Report, page 25.1 This area fccls wc should offer some contribution from time to time when it will fit your set up. Grapevines are a great inspiration here, i\s I am sure they are everywhere. c. c.

August 1961

How keep old timers? From Wellington, New Zealand: The Grapevine has grown with AA, I think, and always provides something really good for the oldtimer. How to keep more of these around AA is a problem which has concerned you for some years and is now becoming a matter of great interest here. AA needs the best type of recovery to help lay the foundation for its future. Far too few of those most able stick around and give us the benefit of their experience. I think meetings can be improved a lot to make them more vital for the older member. We find that the chairman of a meeting is so important in setting the standard of any meeting. We have recently been through a period when chairmen were appointed with little thought, and meetings fell off in AA content as a result. I. MBCE.

September 1961

OMPLACENCYthe Enemy Within

meetings, and disturbed by reports older AA member-a remoteness in of slips suffered by people with years time and feeling from the sick alco- In the remoteness of an ivory tower, of sobriety. Where was their plat- holic stumbling in his search for reform of security? Where was my covery? it’s easy to forget the gutter own? One does not, I think, become Recently, a bouncy Twelfth-Step- suddenly remote. It creeps up, as per, just over a year dry, brought a smugness and security displace conslippee to my door. Both were in cern for our own sobriety and that varying degrees of desperation. The of others. came conscious that in some eyes I, AA man wanted my help in solving a How secure is my eleven-year so- ‘M in my eleventh year of sobriety I in AA and it’s not at all like I thought it would be in those first few too, had become an old-timer. A friend who was to be chairman of a difficult hospitalization problem. The sick man, it appeared, had made himself unwelcome at almost every briety today? As secure, I am forced to admit, as that of any other selfdeceived older member who, to the tremulous months. How did I think special “big meeting” asked me todig up a speaker for him. institution in the area. dismay of his friends, has returned it would be? The sick one was babbling and to drink. As secure, insight tells me, Well, the old hands in our area “I want all the speakers to be in the six- to eighteen-month group,” arrogant. I became resentful and irri- as that of the newest member, bewere dry five to six years when I tated. A couple of phone calls solved cause my sobriety and his are atwent shyly through a meeting hall he said. “They are the ones who pack a real punch.” the problem and I made a half- tached to the same branch of earnest door for the first time. As I became hearted offer to accompany them to desire for freedom and to the same aware of them as people, there de- I pondered this. I pondered it even harder after at- the sanitarium. The offer was politely root of spiritual principles. veloped in me a sense of awe for the turned down. old-timer of the day. tending that meeting. The speakers I am facing the truth that there had great power. All talked out of When they left, I was overwhelmed are no platforms of security in AA. From my own insecure stance, I with shame. True, I had given of thought: “How wonderful to have a the remembrance of recent agony Because if one tarries on a platform, and great gratitude for their release. my past Twelfth Step experience, but he leaves the living stream of AA platform of sober years to work nothing else; no compassion, none of from. Surely, these men and women Freedom! Freedom from alcohol- life. He becomes alone. who have been dry for so long have ism was the theme. How purposeful the essential friendship of AA. A And I am remembering that when a security from the horrors of alco- they made AA life seem! chore had been accomplished and an alcoholic tries to stay sober alone, holic drinking.” For the last couple of years I have my friend knew that for me it had he returns to drink. At least, I al- I longed for that security. been uneasily aware of once-active been nothing more. ways did. Then a decade whirled and I be- members who have disappeared from Is this a common problem of the J. M.,Vancouver, B. C.

March 1962

this last half of Step Twelve. At my out emotional influence is a cold fish Whaf is T h i s Thing, length of sobriety, this is a shocking realization. indeed. I also thought that a mature per- For the sober alcoholic there is son was a detached person, avoiding perhaps no trial as severe as the inti- controversy, and never taking a defimate association with an emotionally nite stand unless absolutely necesimmature non-alcoholic. It is often a sary. That is equally wrong. The supreme test of our sobriety. We mature person lives significantly and cannot show the non-alcoholic by our dynamically not only for himself, but own example, because our own for all mankind. He rejects the tempan AA member explores the many facets of this progress is so pitifully labored and tation to be neutral or safe, or to be slow. Immature people sustain them- a mere invalid in a protected corner much used but little understood word selves by blaming their weaknesses of life. and mistakes on others, or, at best, It is not so much what happens to on circumstances. You may be the a mature person as the way he takes I of US learn early in the precious sobriety. I n the process I nominee. Of all people, none have it. His responses to life are of good M OST game that emotional immaturity is a bugaboo that breeds countless developed a chronic resentment against my family for their supposed the sensitivity to unfair criticism that we have. If any problem presents a greater need for maturity, I couldn’t quality and can usually be depended upon. He has acquired skill in sepachronic defects of character in us. lack of understanding. In those days, rating fact from fancy. The mature We become alert t o our weaknesses AA meetings and casual contacts name it. person is not clumsy in his associaand make our small beginnings in with AA friends were my only times With all that we learn in AA about tion with others. It is normal with self discipline. These defects are like of feeling comfortable. emotional immaturity, and particu- him to think of how the other fellow little incurable cancers, whose con- Many of us have problems which larly our own, we hear precious little will be affected by anything he protinued existence means that we shall are the continuation or outgrowth of about emotional maturity. If we poses to do. Sharing with others is always be alcoholics, sobriety not- the same problems we avoided knew what a really mature person part of maturity. He knows that most withstanding. through drinking. The question is was like, then we might have a better of the significance of life grows out My progress on this maturity busi- whether we face these things today, sense of direction in our efforts. In of the contributions we make to the ness, after long years of sobriety, is or merely endure them. Chronic, in- the process of study and meditation, lives of others. We certainly learn pitifully small. However I may seem soluble problems should be accepted I have learned a few practical things that in full measure. to be, the fact is that I suffer from with serenity. Even in the Fellowship which have helped me. They might The mature person allows his states of impatience, tension, resent- itself, some of us merely tolerate or help you. emotions to suggest aims and purment and intolerance almost every suffer the other alcoholic, when AA I had supposed that the mature poses, but he will bring reason to day. After so long this seems unbe- tolerance really means love, under- person had the ability to subdue his bear upon these before he acts or lievable. During my early difficult standing, forgiveness and full com- emotions completely. This is a crazy commits himself in any way. He years, I passed through many peaks passion. If we manage to achieve a notion. Our emotions are important. knows that he cannot do just what he and valleys. The common attributes high order of this in the Fellowship, They are the source of most of the would like to do with anything; that of the alcoholic abounded in me. My then we often fail to carry it over to good in us. They must simply be kept he can only do what can and should 7 family often said that in many ways “all our affairs ‘-with our families, within bounds, well directed and be done with it. I was more of a trial sober than I had close friends, business associates, and blended with enough logic and com- We come to the question of been while drinking. Every conscious our contact with people generally. mon sense to make them positive and choices, that large area in our dayeffort of mine went to preserve my At very best I am a mere novice in good in their result. The man with- at-a-time living when we must make

C

honest and fearless decisions. To be explain my troubled situation, and mature we must not duck. T o guide the fact that I probably had better hurry. We move inch by inch. We Life” has the means of reaching a our decisions we must have a set reasons for drinking and a tougher seek obtainable goals to avoid the respectable degree of maturity if we of principles to guide us, and a road to sobriety than anyone else. T o shoals of groundless hopes and base- make it our first order of business. If philosophy of what we want to be. pass on responsibility for anything less fears. “Faith without works is dead,” we These principles are embodied in we do to someone else o r even to Certainly we could all subscribe to cannot simply pray for serenity to our Twelve Steps and Twelve Tra- circumstances, is to bring shame on the homely simplicity of Abraham accept, courage to change, and wisditions. Many of us confuse prin- what little human dignity we have. Lincoln when he said, “Every man dom to know the difference. We must ciples with rules. A principle is part Open-mindedness is another char- has an obligation to live up to his put forth our own maximum effort of us, while a rule is an outward re- acteristic of the mature person. None lights.” If you are like me, then “liv- too. Only in this way do we make striction against us. We do not join has the right to call himself adult if ing up to your lights” from here on, that last Step the whole way and AA, we embrace it! Instead of be- he is not willing, even eager, to hear will not create an enviable lifetime carry these principles into “all our affairs.” L. H., Cleveland, Ohio

coming a part of the Fellowship, it both sides of every question. becomes a part of us. We need to Mature living is never a placid life . digest our principles, make them a any more than our sobriety can bepart of us and then use our maximum come a complacent one. The mature ability in living them, and in carrying man is a growing man, constantly bethem into “all our affairs.” We will coming emancipated from the slavhave it made on this maturity busi- ery of his old weaknesses, as new ness if we do that. vistas in life open up before him. Maturity involves responsibility. Constant struggle is often his dish. The mature man is reliable. He He must develop grace to accept promptly admits his mistakes and illness, failure, disappointment and, does not transfer the blame to his all the things which are largely befamily, his employer, his friends, his yond his control. He must accept enemies or even to circumstances. In himself and others too and keep his my early years, I would buttonhole balance in success or failure. this old-timer and that one, trying t o We cannot become mature in a

January 1963

John Barleycorn was a tricky adver- Not just general resentment about sary. other people and situations which 1 went back to see Harry the next most alcoholics experience. Rather, day. His remorse was apparent. My a continuing, deeply rooted and principal effort at that time was de- often concealed, but sustained, resigned to encourage him and improve sentment against having to be lahis morale. For indeed, the world beled an alcoholic. “Why did this had not come to an end, however have to happen to me?” Often, in much it may have seemed so to the first glow of fellowship and Harry. At the end of his five-day friendship, this hidden resentment stay in the hospital, my first thought may be masked. As time goes on was to get him right back on the there is less and less awareness on program. But Harry would have the part of the individual that he none of it. “AA had failed him, and even has such a feeling about his he had failed AA.” seemingly enforced sobriety. What he really meant, I soon saw, An understanding physician once was that he, who had helped so said, “The alcoholic must first recogmany, who had considered himself nize his disability (alcoholism), then to be a “leader in the Fellowship,” he must accept it, and only then can just couldn’t face admitting to the he successfully undertake a program group that he had had a relapse from to adjust to his environment (where “Keep Your Guard Up, Old-Timer!” sobriety, particularly after he had helped so many others. most people can and do drink) in spite of his disability.” Note the Time went on. I pondered over word “accept.” It often takes serious Three R’s . . . Resentment, Rationalization, R e m o r s e . . . my experience with Harry, and his and sustained self-examination to attitude. It was not unfamiliar to me, detect the existence of this kind of linger t o h a u n t t h e older m e m b e r resentment and our failure to accept as from time to time a few others who seemed to have found the an- the fact that we just can’t take that s I walked out of the hospital, I Earlier that evening the phone swer in AA had fallen by the way- first drink. A was plagued by emotions of bewilderment and depression. For the call had come. There had been little time then, of course, to think of side. I began to listen a little more closely to some of the speakers at If awareness of the hidden resentment about sobriety should become man I had admitted for hospitaliza- anything except getting him to a hos- meetings who had tried AA in the apparent, there is a second ” R tion was not a new “pigeon,” but in- pital bed and to competent medical beginning without success, but who, ready to serve wily John Barleycorn stead an old friend and long-time care. When 1 visited him the next after a period of experiment “in the -this is Rationalization. A hundred- ‘ member of AA. I thought of the day or two perhaps he would tell me field,” had returned to the program and-one reasons can present themmany people to whom we had “car- what lay behind this sudden rever- and now acknowledged that they selves as to why the doubter need not ried the message” together. 1 re- sion to the bottle. Whatever the had to learn “the hard way.” Those acknowledge that he can never drink membered Harry’s effectiveness in cause in this particular case, it was who have experienced such “slips” again. This often leads to more athelping new members accept the pro- apparent to me that time alone, mere have usually been victims of what tentiveness to the things speakers say gram. What had made him start length of sobriety, was no guarantor someone has called the “Three R’s.” at meetings which do not fit his pardrinking again? of recovery from alcoholism. Truly, The first of these is Resentment. ticular pattern. Less attention is then

given to the Steps involving growth withdrawal from group participation and change or surrender to a after a number of years of activity. “Higher Power.” Ordinarily, it is Absence from direct exposure to the those who have most recently made AA program can do much to make their first contact with the AA pro- us forget the painful days before sogram who fall victim to the first two briety and gives the first two “R’s” “R’s.” But often, unless they are a chance to come into play. Utilizacareful, old-timers, too, can become tion of the fourth and tenth Steps has their prey. The process may take a been notable by its absence. A busy little longer but, steadily and insid- surface activity rather than careful iously, resentment and rationaliza- self-examination has been the rule. tion do their fatal work. And then And often, a personal relationship may come that sudden call for help. with a Higher Power has been un- The longer the period before the attainable. Bchind such a situation, “slip,” the more threatening is the resentments and rationalizations condanger of the third “W-Remorse. tinue to fcster. Just as Harry felt shame and remorse, This old-timer, at least, is going felt that he had “let the group down,” to try to watch out for those three so do many old-timers when circum- “R’s” and hopes the good brethren stances, whatever they may be, have in his group will, with loving concern, brought into play the process which pull him up short, if he seems to be has led to a renewal of drinking. thinking and talking the way he did “How can 1, who have had the re- when he first came into the program. spect of my fellow members, who For it is very easy to be misled by have built up such a long sobriety pages falling off the calendar. We do record, ever face my group and start not necessarily always grow wiscr all over again?” with the years. Remorse is indeed a painful emo- I’m glad I was the one who took tion. And with it comes a resurgence Harry to the hospital that night, be- . of the old pride so well known to all cause it made me realize more than alcoholics. Here indeed is the test of ever that old-timers can never let humility, if our “Harry’s” are to get down, but must always keep their back on the road to recovery. guard up. The greatest danger arises from Anon. Grrrrlen City,N. Y.

June 1963 4$ A

She wondered what to wear and hoped we didn’t sing hymns. was a meeting that night not far from where 1lived. It was in a church base- Then she came to a meeting. Were we all lunatics? ment, and that awoke an old conflict. I’d had no truck with churches for years and wanted none now. However, just going into the basement of one should not be too risky. Also, New York is a big city, and I doubted that anyone I knew would see me. First Meeting Recovering somewhat from the fright of making that first phone call, I reflected that 1 really should have asked that woman what the people a tweed skirt and a sloppy cardigan. did at the meetings, and what sort of On the phone the woman had sugclothes I should wear. Oh, yes, and gested I attend the Beginners’ Meet- . how much did it cost to join. ing. After wondering how she knew a Friday afternoon I finally Before evening I changed my mind I was a Beginner, I decided to do so. 0 N got up the courage to dial a number listed in the telephone direc- Up to this point my knowledge of AA stemmed from two sources: the much-publicized and harrowing acseveral times about going. Maybe They probably wouldn’t be so hard some other night. Maybe never. I ‘on beginners, and if it proved too I tory. A woman’s voice answered, say- count of a female celebrity, and the was sober, wasn’t I? I’d been sober strenuous, I could plead a headache ing, “AA. May I help you?” male lead in a Broadway play. This almost four weeks on my own, hadn’t or something and run for the near- Just that, no more. Not alarming rather hazy knowledge was com- I? “On my own” was a rather de- est exit. in itself. posed of various impressions. One batable matter, since I was visiting a Promptly at seven-thirty I saun- “Could you tell me if there is a was the necessity of gulping large psychiatrist three times a week, one tered through a deserted passageway, meeting in my vicinity?” I asked in a quantities of orange juice, another of who specialized in alcoholics, and well-marked with AA placards. I business-like tone. cakes with candles, the latter ex- visiting my own doctor twice a week descended steps, my heart pounding “Where do you live?” she asked. hibited in a dim room filled with for vitamin shots. furiously. I almost turned tail and “The upper east side,” I said hushed and reverent people. Fortunately, I still possessed ran a couple of times, but some grim cagily. “The Seventies.” The orange juice and the cake enough honesty to admit that I had inner determination kept my feet She sounded delighted with my were not so bad, but also I under- gotten sober many times on my own, moving downward. At the bottom of vicinity. There were a lot of very stood that to join AA one must stand but 1 had never been able to stay the stairway stood a nice-looking nice groups near me, she said. As up and publicly declare oneself an sober for long. I would probably man, well-groomed, in a well-cut she rattled off names and addresses, alcoholic. never be able to stay sober unless I business suit. I heard myself saying I scribbled them down. Before she This last did not appeal to me at took some drastic action. to him, defensively: “I’m new.” could ask any personal questions, all. By this time I, myself, was con- I pondered long on what to wear. He smiled. “We were all new and I was positive she was going to, vinced that I was an alcoholic, but Leotards perhaps, in case we laid once.” He waved toward the open I thanked her and hung up. I felt I I did not feel inclined to broadcast down on mats for the exercises. Or door of a small room which led off a had won a preliminary skirmish: AA the horrible and detestable fact. maybe an old pair of slacks and larger one. “The Beginners’ Meeting possessed neither my name nor ad- Still, I wanted and needed help. sneakers, in case these were beatnik- is in there. It hasn’t started yet.” dress. No salesmen would call; no Looking at the list of meetings I type characters. Finally I settled for In the room were two other literature could be sent. had written down, I saw that there knee-length wool socks, mocassins, women, both appearing as bewild-

ered and lost and uncomfortable as I. In a few minutes two men and another woman arrived. The man in the business suit came in, shut the door, “I decided they were a bunch of ghouls. . . 99

and sat down on the bench of a grand piano. I waited for him to play something, and hoped it wouldn’t be a hymn. But instead he turned his back derstand mine whether I understood “Mary’s getting out of Bellevue to- dous confession was made simply to the piano and faced the fan ar- his or not. And the craving need was morrow, isn’t it wonderful?” and honestly. Some of the things rangement of chairs where the six the same-that I recognized. “I just hope she stays out this which had happened to them were of us were sitting. Very leisurely he I liked Joe. The Beginners’ Meet- time,” he said. “Six times ought to tragic and horrible. But every time lit a cigar. He smiled at us. In a ing lulled me into a warm feeling of be enough.” that pity welled up inside of me, the friendly, conversational tone he said: “belonging.” Then the meeting was “She’ll make it this time,” the girl room burst into laughter. I decided “My name is Joe Blank. I am an over and we were turned loose into said confidently. “She really hit her they were a bunch of ghouls, laughalcoholic.” a large room filled with people. They bottom at last. Of course she’ll have ing at tragedy like that. Just like that. Easily, as if it were looked like any group of people any- to keep the cast on her leg for three As if blackouts and accidents were the most natural thing in the world where; at a movie, a football game, more weeks, so getting to meetings not bad enough things to happen to to say, and to be. Then he went on: on the bus. Their looks were reassur- will be difficult.” him, one man had the outrageous au- “Alcoholism is a disease. I t is a men- ing, but the fact that all of the faces “A cast never kept her out of dacity to state that he was glad he tal obsession plus a physical reaction were strange made me feel suddenly bars,” he said. was an alcoholic. Glad! How crazy resembling an allergy. It is incurable. like an alien in an unknown land. Be- The girl turned to me, said apolo- could you get? It is progressive. Unless it is arrested fore I could panic and flee, however, getically, “Some are sicker than As I mulled this over, indignant, it has only two ends-insanity or Joe took my arm firmly, introduced others, you know. You needn’t go all the girl next to me produced a straw death.” me to a couple of girls, and sat me the way down if you stick to the pro- basket. Up in front a woman was I was spellbound. Until this mo- down between them. Alas, escape gram.” reading some sort of announcements, ment I had never heard alcoholism was cut off. Program? What program? And then she stated again that there were described as a disease. Nor had any- Semi-frozen and tongue-tied I why did the one on my left keep no dues or fees, but added-coyly, one explained that it was a mental stared at the huge lettered signs ring- smiling at me? I thought-that they did have exobsession plus a physical allergy. The ing a large table at the front of the The meeting began. A man stood penses and appreciated contribudoctors had told me I could not drink room. The first one nearly threw me. behind a table and read some words tions. again, that abstinence was the only from a booklet. All that stuck in my Up and down and across went the cure, period. But I had not known BUT F O R T H E G R A C E O F G O D mind was his saying that there were straw baskets, just like the collection how to achieve total abstinence for So it was a religious thing, after no dues nor fees for AA membership. baskets in church. Coins jangled, any length of time. My few, short, all. Prayers and divine healers, no I couldn’t believe that. No fees. Free. bills fluttered. I was embarrassed for dry periods were achieved with sweat doubt. I squirmed in my seat, turn- There had to be a catch somewhere. the poor souls. How gullible did they and agony, often under duress, and ing to stare longingly at the exit. The In this world you never got some- think a person of my ,intelligence I wallowed in the abysses of self-pity girl at my left gave me a big smile. thing for nothing. was? and resentment. Why should she smile at me? I didn’t Two men and a woman took turns Finally, the ordeal ended. When Joe told some of his experiences know her. speaking from behind the table. Each everybody stood and in unison rewith booze. They were not like mine The girl on my right leaned to- began with the assertion of being an peated the Lord’s Prayer, it seemed and yet I sensed that he would un- ward a man in front of her and said, alcbholic. As with Joe, this horien- the absolute ~ositiveend. There was

only one conclusion to draw. These things I had liked. The things that people were deranged. In short, luna- made sense. Alcoholism is a disease. tics. They talked about booze and There is strength here. There is hope how sick it made them-and every- here. We.stay sober by helping one body laughed. They spoke of hos- another. All we ask is that you come pitals and institutions and broken back and listen. homes-and no one’s expression So I went to the next meeting. changed. They spoke of faith in God, And the next. And now all the meetand said your Higher Power could ings have added up to years and they be a Fifth Avenue bus if you wanted have been sober years and good it that way. They said there were no years. I have drunk my quarts of dues and then they collected money. orange juice, eaten my candy bars, At the door on my way out, Joe swallowed my vitamins. I have pushed a half-dozen pamphlets into learned to thank God-as I undermy hands. He grinned at me around stand Him-for leading me to AA his cigar, but his eyes were dead seri- and keeping me there. I have stood ous and almost pleading. “Come up in the front of a room, admitted back,” he urged. “Keep coming back. that I am an alcoholic, and told my Just remember we stay sober one day story. I have had birthday cakes with at a time. Just remember it’s the first candles. I have learned the healing drink that makes trouble for you, not grace of laughter. I have learned that the tenth or the hundredth. Whether there are no dues or fees in AA, truly, you liked the meeting or not, remem- but if those of us who can will conber that the answer is here. We stay tribute the price of one drink, AA sober by coming here. We find can remain self-supporting and selfstrength together that we cannot find managing without outside help or inalone. Please come back. . . .” terference. That night, leaving the meeting, I And last of all, perhaps the most had no intention of ever going near important, I have learned that it is AA again. It wasn’t my cup of tea. quite true that you never get some- They’d have to struggle along with- thing for nothing in this world. You out me. get out of AA according to what you But an odd thing happened be- put into it, in the way of time, effort, tween that first meeting and the next sharing and love. If Joe hadn’t given meeting three days later at Joe’s all of these things to me at my first group: I forgot the things I hadn’t meeting, I might not be around now liked and began remembering the to tell about it. F . C., Manhattan, N.Y.

August 1963

group chairman, delegate and mem- gins to “coast*’ a little, is in no danber of advisory to Intergroup for ger of “slipping”-as long as he three years, plus hospital committee keeps one hand in the hand of God work for six or seven years. Also, I’d and the other in the hands of the Felspoken at hundreds of meetings and lowship of AA. made innumerable Twelfth Step calls Does this sound like compla- (still do). cency? After 5, 10, 15 years- I’ve found from personal observa- Believe me, it is not. From my tion that as a member reaches the first day in AA to the present time, old-timer stage, it’s best that he re- sixteen and a half years later, I frain from holding office, especially have known that I’m only one drink in a large, active group where there away from my next drunk. I have is an abundance of new material never said I will never drink again. eager and ready to take over. Old- Instead, I pray morning, noon and timers holding office permanently night for God’s gracedomplete should not be permitted-in large sobriety, physical as well as mental. groups, or intergroup bodies. Newer And, doing it one day at a time, A N frequent absences from group meals and bedtime. I existed for AA members may feel that the old-timers twenty-four hours, has made life en- C meetings make an old-timer complacent? alone. As the years began rolling by, my are depriving them of the opportunity to serve AA more fully. joyable these many years. With my daily practice of always thinking in . Before answering one way or an- sobriety increased and so did my However, this question of com- terms of sobriety, I feel safe and other, let’s dig into a specific case. responsibilities. My children were placency in old-timers cannot be secure. Complacency and drinking Let’s find out what kind of sobriety growing up and soon marriage took lumped into a package deal for all will come only when I discard my the old-timer enjoyed, from his entry them from us. Then grandchildren old members. Each case is different. AA way of thinking. into AA until the present time. Take began to arrive. And, due to good I personally feel that anyone who Easy does it, and yours for anmy own case as an example. When I fortune, after five years of near- saturates himself with AA sobriety other twenty-four hours! came to AA, sixteen and a half years starvation in AA, my present job for ,ten or twelve years and then be- Anon., N. J. ago, I was so saturated with alcohol came along. that one drink would surely have Family affairs and the pressure of started the next drunk. business began to eat into my meet- Grabbing hold of the program ing schedule. From missing an occaright from the very first meeting, I sional meeting, I advanced to the began to steep myself in sobriety- infrequent-attendance stage. I was and the years that followed saw me giving myself back to my family; soaking. up AA morning, noon and consequently extra meetings were night. I then became saturated with eliminated here and there, but not sobriety. From the very beginning it completely. was a meeting every night in the Despite this, my loyalty to AA week and, often, two meetings on never swerved. I’d held every office Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sun- any member could-treasurer one days. My family saw me briefly-at year, group secretary five years,

October 1963

Old-timer’s job From White Salmon, Wash.: Being the oldest member in our group and often called an old-timer one may think that there would be little new for me at the regular meeting. It appears that many oldtimers feel that it is useless to attend regularly, for that reason. However, last Wednesday evening the leader of the meeting chose Step meeting regularly, and set an ex- Seven as the topic: Humbly asked ample for those who I know must Him to remove our shortcomings. get the habit of setting aside meet- We entered into considerable dis- ing-time for their sobriety’s sake. cussion as to the difference between We so-called old-timers still have defects in character and shortcom- to stay sober a day at a time. We ings. Among the several differences are not cured. Maybe I’m excepwe felt existed, one struck me for- tionally lucky. The little group I becibly, when one of the members long to quite frequently hints that felt that the failure to attend meet- it’s nice to have one with long soings was a shortcoming. bl’iety around. 1’11 always hope the I reviewed in my mind all the day will come when I can realize members who came in around the I have made a payment on my sotime I did and how seldom a great briety by being that person who many could be found at their regu- instilled faith in a new member by lar meeting. I felt that all of us who my consistency of sobriety. H . H. had some time in AA might look to the Seventh Step for a reminder that we still belong at the regular meeting. In fact it came to me that perhaps the greatest repayment I could make to AA, which has meant so much, was to be in my chair at my

August 1964

Oldest member? From Long Beach, Wash.: There are many interesting bits of news that appear in the Grapevine from time to time on the passing parade of AA members and their life stories. We have in our group a fine gentleman who joined at the age of seventy-seven and had his ninetyfirst birthday last March. This we believe is rather unique. We like to believe that he is the oldest living member in AA- are we right? One is never too young or too old to start a new way of life. P. K.

OCTOBER 1964

cia1 activities are ever so important, but trusted servants” and should give , but let’s keep them where they be- thought to the wishes of the group. long-over coffee and cakes after No-they feel it their duty to pick the meeting, good old-fashioned AA the chairman, speaker, secretary and gatherings in the home (kitchen treasurer on the theory that the variety), group picnics and so forth. younger members haven’t been in Am l a And speaking of coffee, I bleed a little when members beat a path long enough to know what it’s all about. Surely this is not the way to back and forth to the coffee urn teach or build a solid foundation. Bleeding Deacon ? while a meeting is in session. Believe me, I, too, have wanted to do this on These are a few samples of AA doings-or should I say dangers, many an occasion, even to the point that make me bleed. I’ll wager there of walking out on a global bar-by- are other Bleeding Deacons who An older member notes bar story. But AA has taught me have similar symptoms. Here is a that though the speaker may not be good transfusion -join me in takappreciable progress. So I bleed doing me much good (outside of the ing a keener interest in your group some things thnt put a opportunity to practice tolerance – and those you visit. Good AA prinwhen I discover that they have never read the Big Book; they have no and that’s good) he sure is doing a ciples and their practice can be instrain on his resolve idea how AA started; they have a lot for himself and that is one of our stilled by quietly talking to one or vague acquaintance with the Twelve cardinal principles. more members over a cup of coffee not to be one Steps, and even less with the Twelve Mr. AA-now there’s a moniker. after the meeting, in your home, dur- Traditions. General Service to them It has been bestowed on many dea- ing a lunch date or just an automocould be a firm of tax accountants. cons for their untiring efforts in bile ride in the country. Before you sponsorship, group and club activi- do, brush up again on the Big Book, I ‘V E been a member of AA for many years and I guess I’m bleeding. What makes me bleed? Well, to I bleed profusely when at some open meetings the under-teen-agers are cutting up so, one could not posties. Thank God for them, but I bleed when I see a few who want to the “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,” “AA Comes of Age,” and be blunt and honest about it, I’m sibly give his attention to the speak- run the group with the iron hand of “AA Today.” They are good reading getting more and more critical of er. It must be especially trying to a a dictator. Oh – they mean well, and down-right essential to your sowhat I see happening in some groups new member giving his or her first but they have forgotten “they are briety and mine. these past few years. It fills me with lead, which in my book is a very im- Anonymous, Tennessee apprehension that many are over- portant milestone. I’m a ” great belooking the basic principles our fel- iiever in open meetings. My wife has lowship was founded on. This state attended them regularly throughout of mind is not conducive to practic- these years, consequently she is as ing tolerance as I should. well, if not better versed in many as- It is gratifying to see so many new pects of the program than I am. But and young faces in the program, but heaven forbid that our regular meetunfortunately too large a percentage ings become a social function for the of these are continuing their ‘re- whole family. Sobriety is a serious search’ and after one, two, three and business- let’s keep it that way. even more years have not made any Don’t get me wrong. The AA so-

January 1965

Ten New Years Neither the miracle nor the gratitude are diminished

M Y AA anniversary is January first; this year marks a full decade of sobriety. It seemed a good January 1, 1957 (“Cherished Malady”) : “I have a disease- a fatal disease which cannot be cured. imagined on that cold, snowy night, seven years ago. . .” These are fragments from the exsons. If anything, I am even more aware of the miraculous aspects of our program. I see myself reflected time to look back and take stock. I am an alcoholic, but I am a grate- pressions of gratitude I was moved in every newcomer who enters my Old Grapevines with articles I wrote ful, happy alcoholic. I am grateful to write in past years as the time of group. The affirmation of their mirprovided a springboard for the in- because, as of this day, my implac-. my anniversary approached. acle is the constant renewal of my ventory; I looked through them to able illness has been arrested in its How easy it all seemed in the own. see how my thoughts about AA may progress. I am happy because the luminous pink-cloud condition of the It is this affirmation and renewal have changed. inspired therapy which returned me first year! By the second year I was which has kept me ever quickened In the January, 1956 issue I found to health and sanity has also given somewhat more realistic, and by the to the gift of my own sobriety. I find this (“I Have a Song to Sing”): me an opportunity for personal ful- seventh I seem to have accepted, at in it the same light I found at my “I am an alcoholic, a grateful, fillment in a world of values I never last, that the AA road I had been first meeting ten years ago. It is a happy drunk. I wouldn’t change my knew existed. Without this therapy, granted to follow was not ‘a coinci- steady glow -not at all diminished disease for all of the riches of India, I know that I would now be dead. .. – dence’ and that it led to purposeful by the years. As long as I continue to avail myself of its warmth, so long not even for incense and myrrh. You or living self-committed and with- not euphoric life. see I believe that we members of out hope in some institution. This This sobering up seems to me the do I believe I will continue to’under- AA are most miraculously blessed. then is why I cherish my malady. . .” natural and usual development in stand the positive nature of gratitude In order to survive- in order to January 1, 1962 (“The First any AA life. I would no more have and its imperative in my continuing maintain a safe margin of sanity and Meeting”) : “My first meeting was, missed the high optimism of the recovery. For the one thing that I bodily health – we must only live fortunately for me, a beginners early years than I would the grow- did not know ten years ago -and the rest of our days trying ‘in all meeting.. . I came to it by one of ing pains of the latter ones. As far would not have understood -is that our affairs’ to approach a little those strange miracles I no longer as my disease is concerned, I still the recovery is continuous and will nearer to that concept of personal call coincidence. It was on a New feel exactly the same about it now be so as long as I remain an ‘arfulfillment each man carries in his Year’s Eve and so, symbolically, as I did ten years ago. I am still rested alcoholic’-for the rest of secret heart. What other illness de- each New Year’s since has had a grateful and glad that I am an alco- my life, I hope, believe, and trust. mands of its victims nothing but a very special meaning for me. It holic, and for much the same rea- H . W., Pleasantville, N . Y . willing spirit to receive a foolproof marked the start of a beginning more remedy?” purposeful than any I could have

April 1965

Mom m ‘Senile Sobriety’ From Daytona Beach, Fla.: experience with the AA way of life Having had over twenty-two years that sobriety is only the door through of unbroken sobriety, I was quite which we enter this new way of livinterested in the article: “Senile So- ing. This new life we find in AA is briety” in the January Grapevine. It obviously far more than just soseems to me that keeping up enthu- briety. So-called ‘senile sobriety’ can siasm for AA in the old-timer is one be fatal to one’s sobriety, but it is of the greatest problems in AA to- not necessarily totally fatal. Slippees day. This article makes several good do return to sobriety in most cases. suggestions to this end, but I would For the old-timer, the thing that is like to add a few more thoughts on totally fatal, is to lose enthusiasm this problem. for the AA way of life, so that he The old-timer has much more at fails to attend AA meetings; fails to stake than just sobriety. I do not try to help other alcoholics, and agree with the statement made at the fails to keep his thinking in the right . end of the article: “.. all we really condition by following the mental have, our sobriety.” Of course, our and spiritual principles of AA in his sobriety is fundamentally the basis daily life. on which all we have depends, but Senile sobriety will not be such a the other statement the author makes problem for old-timers if we are is much nearer the truth: “AA has continually trying to make progress ‘

merely been an entrance hall for us in the AA way of life. There is very into the ballroom of a significant little progress to be made in just solife.” We old-timers know from our briety. But there is great progress possible in practicing the principles of AA in our dailytlives: progress in acceptance, in fellowship, in faith in God, in inventory of our defects of character, in living one day at a time and in service to our fellow men. R. W.

March 1 9 6 5

Am I Special? Will buses and taxis materialize when I want day, if I worked hard enough on enjoyed quite a long, lovely, egothem, and will my novel be a best seller? the Steps, and meditated and prayed warming period of feeling that I was often enough, I might gain this sort the cherished pet of my Higher of belief. Power. At times I had marvelous My mind, however, was not very feelings of omnipotence, almost as

L ET’S say it’s summer and that storm warnings have been posted all along the coast where I otherwise would be the cruelest of delusions. I knew a woman once who betractable as yet. Or perhaps, having embraced no religion nor spiritual practice since my teens, I was rusty. powerful as I once used to get from a bottle. In my group I was always an live. A hurricane is on its way. Al- lieved that no matter where she went Anyhow, even though I meditated officer. I spoke often. I did everyready the ten-foot tides and hun- the sun would shine just because she arduously one day, I might forget all thing by the book, to the best of my dred-mile winds have brought havoc was there. When I met this woman about meditating for the next three ability. I was convinced that I was all along the Eastern seaboard. I was very new in AA. She had days. Or if I prayed fervidly for faith practicing the greatest humility, hon- The hurricane may blow out to been sober on the program for many and enlightenment for two days esty, unselfishness and love. I took sea and miss my area. It may not. years. She lived alone; she worked straight, I might forget to pray at on sponsorship of several new mem- I keep the radio on, listening to re- at some sort of clerical job that gave all for the next two days (with the bers, confident that I would keep ports of the storm’s speed and its her a minimal wage, yet she seemed exception of my morning request for them sober and show them how to ‘ path. As I listen, I make orderly radiantly happy. She did more strength to stay sober that day). work the program. When it didn’t plans to evacuate my home, should it Twelfth Step work than anyone I After such lack of persistence, and work out that way I gave up sponbecome necessary. In former years had met. She had proteghs all over berating of self, I . had concluded sorship, saying that I was obviously I would have tossed clothes into a the place. They were young, old, men gloomily that I would never attain not intended for that branch of AA suitcase at the last moment, stuffed as well as women. She told me she even minor sainthood. I was far too activity. To salve my conscience, I frightened cats into carriers, and rose each morning at six o’clock so earthbound; much too pragmatic. worked harder than ever for the scurried to a rescue boat which that she would have a full two hours Nevertheless, during this time of group. Then lo and behold, the would carry me to the mainland and to spend in meditation and prayer spiritual effort, I did establish my group had elections and for the first safety. before she had to go to work. She own conception of my Higher time I held no office. Now, I do not believe that the belonged to no church, but she had Power. And believe me I was just as I felt like a bustling executive who hurricane will miss my area or my a Higher Power of her own and she special to my Higher Power as my had been abruptly retired. As a laytown or my house just because 1 believed totally that she was so spe- friend was to hers. *Then,having ar- man I didn’t know what to do with happen to be residing there. I be- cial to that Power that nothing bad rived at this conclusion, I went on myself at meetings. I had always lieve that I am as subject to the could ever befall her. to suppose that I was also pretty been so busy with group affairs I had laws of nature as any other living This simple and absolute faith special to my AA friends, to my spent little time talking to newcomcreature. In my opinion, to believe made me envious. I hoped that one group and to the world at large. I ers and now I found it almost im-

It was a cold, hard winter and the bad things can happen to AAs just perish of the disappointment. For possible to do so. The old shyness as bad things happen to honest deand fear of rejectio~returned. I hid sun shone little. She came less and even in the Bible it states plainly cent people who are not AAs. that the sun rises on the evil as well behind the coffee table, filling cups less to meetings. When she did come, So I finally decided that my and passing cake -and incidentally late, she didn’t seem to be listening. Higher Power would not get me a as the good, that the rain falls on the showing the group what wonderful I spoke to her on the telephone a just as well as the unjust. few times; she would never admit bus or taxi or a job or a million Since I am not a theologian, nor humility I had. dollars any more than He would More undermining things began that anything was amiss. do I subscribe to any formal dogma, knock a drink out of my hand if I my spiritual conclusions are my own, to happen. By profession I am a During the next summer, while I were stupid enough to pick one up. writer and I had written a novel was away, she died. I heard that she based solely on my own experience. Quite a lot of twenty-four hours I have sound reason to believe that about a man who, against his will, had been ill again and despondent. have passed since I decided this. I had been moved to do good works Apparently, she had had no really a sincere request for help from my am older and, I hope, wiser. I try to Higher Power is always granted. by his Higher Power. The book did close friends, for her death was not be useful to my group in any capanot sell, anywhere. I could not un- discovered for several days after it Many times I ask for strength to city whatever. After the meetings cope with difficult situations. I rederstand it. In my mind it had top- occurred. Natural causes, the doctor I seek out people standing alone ped the best-seller list, and the truth said. What did that mean? Malnutri- ceive it. I have asked for guidance, and speak to them. I urge the newer for wisdom and very very often for was that nobody at all wanted it. tion? Loneliness? Self-neglect? Or members to speak, to be officers. I courage, and I am given as much of That same fall, when I returned bitter disillusion? don’t offer gratuitous advice, or these as 1 am able to accept. to my group after a summer away, For months I was haunted by her criticism. I don’t have to be a Bleedno one seemed overly excited by my death. How could it happen to one If I am special nowadays, it is ing Deacon or a Know-it-all Old- only to myself, and it is because I return. There were several new who seemed so dedicated, so spiri- Timer. am sober. I am happy most of the members who had never seen me tual, so special? I no longer believe that I am any time. I have become a giver rather nor heard of me. My friends had That same winter several AA more special than anyone else, either than a taker. But the best of all is new proteges they talked to instead people I knew suffered adversity, in to AA or to my Higher Power. For that I no longer need to be special. of talking to me. The new officers various forms. They were devoted, me to believe this would be danger- Perhaps I have grown up at last, for were getting all the attention. sober members. Also, in that winter, ous. I would expect privilege; I is it not the child in us that demands Facing the truth wasn’t easy or I often heard speakers make state- would expect favors; and if they did to be everyone’s pet? pleasant, but I did face it. I was no ments such as: “Since I joined AA not materialize I might, just might, longer special, no longer anybody’s I never have to wait for a bus. I F. C., Manhattan, N . Y . pet. Not even, I decided sadly, was always make perfect connections and I special to my Higher Power or He I never have to wait”; or, “I’ve had would have seen to it that my in- one promotion after another since spired novel would have sold. I joined AA”; or “I was so unhappy In the next few months several in my job, the boss was terrible, but more things happened to shake me today he’s gone and the new boss is up. My ‘always sunshine’ friend wonderful.” was running into rain squalls. She How to reconcile the bad happenkept changing jobs – losing jobs, ings and the good happenings? I was really. She had bouts with various puzzled until it occurred to me that viruses. Some of her protegCs were good things can happen to drunks flouting her advice and seeking other just because they are sober and advisers. Some had gotten drunk. functioning on all five senses, and

May 1965

when I drink I develop a loathsome way, and I’ll stay sober mine. That’s personality. what I like about this AA thing. I think I am an alcoholic be- I have not had a drink of alcohol cause I was slow to grow up. I mar- in any form since March 1, 1948. . ried a young wife, we had three I’ve had the help of my group and pretty nice children, and all four of wonderful, free, mystic, redeeming them grew up before I did. grace and some discriminating fa- I wanted more of life than I had. voritism, plus a little sanctified com- I couldn’t stand prosperity. mon sense. That March day was a It was my nature not to stay put. good day for me. I hope I shall I finally got around to having one never forget it. All of a sudden the good drink in my life -my last one, world turned good. the one that brought me into AA. I don’t know why alcoholics quit Since that time, in spite of my neu- drinking one day and not another. rotic constitution, I’m staying sober After seventeen and a half years of in AA one day at a time on a pro- excessive drinking and continual bationary basis. Anybody on proba- drunkenness, all of a sudden out of tion is liable to forfeit what he has a clear blue sky came the desire to Calling the Shots received. The seeds of a drunk lie quit. That day, I bent my knees, dormant in every AA’s heart, wait- cried out for help, joined AA, and ing for the slightest pretext to sprout. now I don’t drink. There ought to be some easier That’s the day I got rid of myself. M Y name is H. T. My favorite way of identifying myself is to say, “I am an alcoholic.” It gives me How one A A sees himself, way of getting into AA. As it is, One day at a time they told me to you have to have a hard head, fire- live. Easy does it. Learn to forgive. a pleasant release and makes me proof liver, copper stomach, humfeel clean inside and good all over. A A and sobriety mingbird heart and cast-iron I am not ashamed to parade my conscience, just to name a few of weakness in front of other people. after seventeen years the requirements. I’m chasing a ‘cure’ and doing that AA is for fools, but you can’t is part of the cure. stay in AA and remain a fool. I fear to fondle the silly thought holic than be in jail knowing I am AA, for me, is like a walking that creeps in when times are good, an alcoholic. stick in the hand of an old man. He health returns, nerves are quiet, wife I think maybe I’m an alcoholic uses it according to his need; he is back home, money is coming in. because when I get drunk I do un- places it where it suits him. You know the thought: Maybe I’m expected things in unusual places. The basis of AA is the sick crying not an alcoholic. Now, there’s a I think maybe I’m an alcoholic for help. Pampering the sick is a good greased plank for a quick slide because of my excessive dependence function to which AAs are strangely into hell. on approval and affection from drawn. Still, I had rather be in an AA other people. AA is food for the fed-up. meeting wondering if I am an alco- I think I’m an alcoholic because Understand, I’m not telling you to do anything. You stay sober yout

Help when you can. Pass on what when I go on a call, if I just listen and optional. You can’t force it; it would get so worked up watching you learn to a new man. Today, to that sick fellow, he begins to like must come from the heart. them and wanting to be one of them grow spiritually. Today, do some- me. I can live a week on a compli- that he would jump up from his thing for somebody else. Today, I try to keep a little sense of hu- ment. I get praise from strangers. bearskin bed, grab a pot and a pan trust God with tomorrow. mor. Good safety valve. I never saw My kinfolks have more respect for and join the group. That would be If I wanted to rewrite the AA Big an AA who couldn’t get one good me now than they ever had. That’s the last of his illness. This AA laugh a day by looking in the mir- AA for you. thing works and I am witness to Book I could do it with six words, trust in God and clean house. ror. To me AA is a mental hospital the fact that it does. They told me to watch and pray. I believe in being in the right for retarded adults. I go for head Medical healing: that’s when I get place at the right time doing the correction. a doctor to diagnose, set bones, and My trouble with prayer is getting one off the ground. right thing in the right way. I watch All healing is temporary, so I do surgery. I’m good on the watching, though. the location. Don’t look for me in keep in constant contact. I credit Divine healing, to me, is when When I’m with my wife I watch my a saloon drinking a Coke to show repetition with one half the success you wake up the next morning and temper. When I’m in a crowd I you how strong I am. of AA. the trouble is gone. I’m strong on watch my tongue. When I’m alone I Every alcoholic sooner or later I am pretty well up on the dif- this faith stuff. Faith is a gift and has to sit down to a big banquet of ferent kinds of healing: mental, some people have more faith than watch my thoughts. AAs in my area do a lot of grip- consequences. God may forgive you medical, faith and divine. I get my others. Faith is a way out when your sins, but your nerves won’t. Of mental healing from the group. there ain’t no way out. ing. I do my share. I guess I’ll Group therapy. The Indians had the never be satisfied with my lot. all that creeps, crawls and breathes I expect nothing, I ask for every- Listen, laugh and repeat, they on this eakh, nothing is more same thing. An Indian boy would thing, and I’m thankful for anything. get down and they would send for I wanted, I admitted, I made a detold me. To receive help from listen- wretched than ‘an alcoholic off by inn to a living voice is a big part of himself having a hangover. I’ve seen the medicine man. He would come cision, I asked and I got: one,day’s m i AA. ~isteningseems a natural the time I was sorry God made me all dressed up in diversified animal sobriety. That is the AA program. thing to do in AA. I notice that human. I blessed the condition of skins and with snake bones hanging Study the principles, follow the dianimals because they had no hell- down all over him, a pot in one hand rections, practice daily. That’s the fire to bum in hereafter, no con- and a pan in the other. He would way I was loosed from my affliction. science to gnaw on them now. I’ve bring the group with him and they There are lots of successes.in AA, watched a bird fly by and wished I all had pots and pans and they but none are guaranteed. There are had his wings so I could get away formed a ring around the sick boy no musts either, but I know a lot of from my distress. Then about the and started screaming, dancing and ‘You betters.’ third day I’d begin to recover and hollering. Pretty soon the sick boy H . T . B., Irving, Tex. pull out of it, then start all over. Excitement and novelty have their place in life, but I am beginning to like sameness more than newness. I’m getting close to the end; I find the big things in life lose size, and little things loom bigger, but the longer I’m in AA the more I love life. Maybe that’s why I’m full of thanks. Thanks is voluntary

July 1 9 6 5

likely to help those who help them- When we realize that our sobriety selves. may also hang in the balance, the In our constant effort for greater importance of the job assumes its maturity, we seek to control our- proper magnitude. selves ever more firmly, recogniz- Know yourself, accept yourself, ing that some of our weaknesses are improve yourself, control yourself here to stay! Mere knowledge of and be yourself. There must be them avails nothing unless we in- some sound advice in those words voke discipline to interpret that which have lingered in memory for knowledge in our daily lives. Finally, forty-odd years. We know a memwe try to be ourselves. ber of this Fellowship who gets The achievement of most of us around a great deal. Whenever he in being ourselves is certainly far is asked about his line of work, he from perfect. Knowing that gap be- always replies, “My life is my work playing, truth and sincerity would tween what we really are and what and belatedly I’m giving my best we seem to be, or pretend to be, is effort to it.” A n AA old-timer seem to be downed on the line of Your most important job is alscrimmage. In our concentration on probably the toughest assignment the project of influencing others, we we undertake. Our sincerity de- ways yourself. reflects o n pends on the outcome of that effort. Anonymous, Tuscon, Ark. frequently lose sight of the one perself-knowledge son we are best able to influence. To that person, yourself, you also bear the greatest responsibility. Un-

R eMxNrscrNG with an old friend, I recalled an occasion fortyodd years ago when both of us had less maximum results are obtained with yourself, maximum help to others is impossible. been in a teenage audience to which In our Fellowship we come to a young clergyman had spoken. know ourselves. Our fearless self- Truth and sincerity had been his inventory reaches that objective suggested guidelines for a significant with the understanding help and relife. Know yourself, accept yourself, minders we receive from others who improve yourself, control yourself are like us. Having reached some and, above all, be yourself. Such measure of truth in that respect, we had been the substance of his re- move on to acceptance, tying up marks. the package through our honest We were comparing this with the confessions to one another. Then present day when so much emphasis we start our self-improvement prois given to the ‘image’ we create. To gram through top effort on our own get ahead in life young people are part, knowing that the Higher told to win friends and influence Power, which we humbly ask to repeople. In this process of angle move our character defects, is more

October 1965

Old-timers’ get-togethers From Westmount, Quebec: I feel that old-timers’ get-togethers on a regular basis, formed spontaneously and not as a substitute for conventional meetings, may be justified. Our own is more infused with ‘group spirit and mutual helpfulness than ever, after eight years. Right now, one of our members (who, incidentally, has been consistently active in regular meetings as well for many yea,rs) is in a hospital after a bad slip. The attitude of those who come to my house is that of members of a closely knit family when one of its members is stricken. My first reaction was that somehow we had failed him. My second reaction is that, instead of wasting time reproaching ourselves, it would be somewhat more desirable to get busy and help him. Now here is my point: in a case like this I believe help from someone of his own vintage is likely to be more effective than from a newcomer. In any case, he’s getting encouragement actively from both sources. J. M C D.

May 1966

‘ although I did continue to sit be- because I began to think back about side him. other people and especially speakers What a relief it must have been I had not particularly cared for and for him when I quit trying to force I awakened to the fact that a great him to like me. I now wonder what many of the things I use daily and deep faith in the program has kept the clichCs that hit home were said him sitting next to me all this time. by those very people. If I use their . One day I realized that he now help (and it is with everybody’s help A Grouchy blends with the scenery and is just that I have such an abundance of another piece of the whole picture happiness through this program) and I would miss him dreadfully if what a small payment a few kind Old-Timer he were to go away. Another day I thoughts can be and then I even realized nothing he said or did both- reap an extra dividend on the kind . ered me any more and lastly I real- thoughts. ized his weekly acts were constantly I can’t imagine what I would ever SIT next to an old-timer and he ing, but I got so carried away with keeping me on guard not to be criti- do if my favorite old-timer ever got I is the most miserable person I have met in Alcoholics Anonymous my own “image” I went too far, far too far! I cultivated the thought cal or intolerant of anyone if I could possibly help it. He opened a whole struck with a severe case of happiness. . but I just love him because he that his antagonism toward me was . new field of appreciation for me P. M . E., Glendale, Calif. makes me feel so good! I have been but a reflection of my antagonism sitting next to him at a meeting once toward him and that he could not a week for almost a year and a half and would not like me until I honand all he has done is criticize, be- estly and sincerely liked him. I felt little, tap the table with his matches I was only getting back just what I ‘ and/or be downright unkind or was giving out and then I really rude, and I wouldn’t change places went on an all-out campaign to for anything in the world as I enjoy make him like me. I opened up my measuring my growth by my atti- mind and my heart (forgave him all tude,toward him. his defects, ha, ha) and I became In the beginning I disliked him friendship personified. intensely and after a few months I Every effort for nearly a year learned to hate him sincerely and failed. Even my smoking habits only stayed because of my fondness would provoke looks of disgust and for the person on my other side. sighs of hopelessness, so one day in As I began to understand the work- my meditation I said, “Dear God, ing of the program I began to ac- I give up. I hereby give Old So and cept him as he was and I went So and his life over to You as it is through a period of nobly tolerating beginning to look as though I will him and congratulating myself on be just as well off without him,” and . : the wonderful person I was becom- I promptly forgot the whole thing

July 1967

room, he was overheard saying his that idea in favor of assigning the prayers. Here is what he was say- cause to the guiding hand of God, ing: “Dear Lord, please keep me followed by my own attempt to take Big Book Stories – Updated I humble, because I am a very great man.” the Twelve Steps to Recovery. I ended by saying that “whatever it The Big Book of A A , There is at least one disadvantage was that brought me in, I have been Alcoholics Anonymous, was first in having one’s story in the Big in AA and I have been dry ever published in 1939. A revised Book. Most of us in AA have basi- since.” Very fortunately, I can still edition wus published in 1955. Now, cally only one story, and that one in say so. twelve years later, the Grapevine the Big Book is mine. As the eve- I have often wondered why begins an exciting new series ning’s speaker, before and since the precisely and exactly why – I got of articles, to appeur every other Revised Edition was published, I myself into the horrible alcoholic month for as long us the articles have delivered that speech more or condition I was in when I joined hold out: Big Book Stories – Updated. less word for word to many groups our AA group. I am not sure that I On page 336 of the Big Book uppears in many places, particularly in my have discovered this yet. Of course, “The Professor and the Paradox.” Now own and a few neighboring states. the alcoholic has been variously and the professor, from a vuntage o f Once after I had thus delivered it as diversely defined. It has even been another dozen years’ sobriety, reflects part of a program at an AA State suggested that he simply does not on why he became alcoholic Convention out west where I was know what he really wants, or aland why AA works for him: virtually unknown, I was standing ways wants something that he alone among the crowd in the lobby doesn’t have, and one of the huof the convention auditorium and morous definitions of him illustrates happened to overhear one man tell- this theory beautifully. An alcoholic ing another about me: “That last (according to this definition, which speaker was a liar and a thief and a I learned from a fine AA from fake. He stole every word he said Dallas) is a fellow who when he is right out of a story printed in the rich wants to be poor, and ‘when he

I H AVE tried hard not to be proud that my little narrative – “The Professor and the Paradox” – was of Texas, and ministering to a total population of about twenty-eight people. After five years of this, his Big Book!” In the rush of the crowd 1 never saw him again or got a chance to correct him as to my is poor wants to be rich; when he is single he wants to be married, and when he is married he wants to be included among the Personal Stories headquarters in Montreal decided character. single; when he goes to a wedding in the Revised (1955) Edition of he needed a short rest, and he was In my original account of myself he wants to be the bride; when he the Big Book. Whenever I get too accordingly called home for a mild I described mv advent into AA as a goes to the dinner table he wants to puffed up about it, 1 usually remind celebration. At the welcome ban- happening brought about by some make love, and when he goes to myself of an appropriate AA story I quet given in his honor when he forces at work that I did not – and bed he wants to eat! have told on several occasions. It arrived in Montreal, the master of still do not – understand. I knew But let us be serious. It is now concerns a young Canadian priest ceremonies of course praised the only that something happened to me generally recognized that alcoholism who was serving his church in young priest highly, and apparently that had never happened before. At is a symptom of some deep-seated northeast Canada, travelling about overdid it. For later in the evening one time 1 thought 1 had simply maladjustment of one’s personality, on snowshoes and dog sled, cover- when the banquet was over and the made a decision instead of a mere a symptom of some emotional coning a territory about twice the size young priest had retired to his alcoholic promise, but I discarded flict which one has been unable to .

solve. For example, in my case able and have personality weak- (perhaps not in yours, but at any nesses or shortcomings which can -rate-.in mine), I am a self-centered lead me to disaster was to me most person, very egotistical, and quite unreasonable. It was very difficult unreasonable in my demands upon for me to realize that the Twelve other people (either actually or in Steps, which looked so naive at first, my thoughts about them). I became would succeed better than all my so self-centered that I withdrew my- well-thought-out methods. That I self into a small circle which got was powerless over anything was a smaller and smaller until there was bitter pill to swallow. It was hard no one in it but myself. There was for me to keep “an open mind” or no real company there except my do my part to let others “live.” It bottle. Next, I am “emotionally im- took a “bottom” of considerable mature,” which I explain as being crisis to reduce me to personal helpemotionally susceptible (far beyond lessness so acute that I was ready the normal) to resentment, envy, for humility and surrender. And all effect (so much so that one is time) will change our attitudes, fear, anxiety and grandiose day- of this was not attained by me by tempted to speculate that sobriety change our thinking, change our dreaming. (Most alcoholics I know my simply walking into an AA among alcoholics is contagious). personalities (if that be possible), well are extremely affected by one meeting place. We benefit from association with change the inner man or woman or more or all five of these.) Then, The AA program and procedure excessive drinkers who do not stay into something it had not been be- I tried hard to be a perfectionist, has worked well for me and for a sober, which seems to have favor- fore, and change our pattern of and failed, of course, to advance to tremendous number of other people. able results too. We also sit around living into one we had not enjoyed anything even remotely perfect. Fi- Why does it work when other things and take everybody else’s “inven- in the past. We learn to do these nally, I was running away from fail? We don’t know. We really don’t tory,” until the thought strikes us things not by just memorizing the something – perhaps from the re- know. We do have a lot of ideas. that we had better take our own. Steps (though that is a good idea), ality of my situation. We know a great deal about drink- But above all we learn to eliminate but by attempting to live and act These (self-centeredness, emo- ing- its pleasures as well as its alcoholism by doing certain things them each day of our lives. And tional immaturity, striving for per- tragedies, its humorous side, the which strike at the deep-seated eventually, often when we least exfection and running away), I think, flimsy alibis, the hiding places, the causes of the malady, rather than pect it, we discover that as a result are the chief personality traits which degradation and helplessness of al- simply taking away or shutting off of all this we are happy and conplay havoc with the alcoholic’s way cohol’s victims. Nevertheless, we the whiskey. We learn to change tented and full of thanksgiving of living. At least they seemed to do don’t really know precisely why AA our self-centeredness, to stop run- something I once knew (or thought so with me. And they are difficult works. ning away from things we don’t like, I knew) I could never .be, without traits to get rid of. I haven’t got rid But we do know that we get a and to remove or at least adjust our drinking. of mine yet, but I have improved. lot of help from continual associa- emotional shortcomings. Members of AA groups are full I have improved to the extent that I tion with our groups. We get a lot of We do these things by taking of miraculous changes like that. I no longer have to take a drink or a help from the observations we can seriously and honestly our Twelve am one of those fortunate ones who pill to overcome them. make there. We benefit from asso- Steps, the nearest thing to a “cure” has had it happen to me. There are Do not ever let anybody tell you ciating with excessive drinkers who for alcoholism that anybody has yet hundreds of thousands of others in that the AA program is easy to stay sober, and this seems to have discovered. We learn that these AA today. make. It isn’t. That 1 am unmanage- some sort of favorable psychological Steps (over a sufficient period of J . P.,Kent, Ohio

September 1967

Big Book Stories – Updated human being. Practically expressed, AA member younger in AA than I this viewpoint means that I do not am, and so ( I am convinced) profeel the necessity of going to meet- vide him with some of the help and ings constantly. I go whenever I opportunity he needs to better himhave a Twelfth Step case to work self as well as the new candidate. with ( I never turn down a Twelfth I keep liquor in my home and Come on! Step case) and on my anniversary. I do not go out looking for Twelfth serve it to friends. I literally do not want any. It’s no deprivation for me Step cases as a means of insuring to act as bartender for everyone exmy continuing sobriety. Yet I al- cepting myself. I go to cocktail Be happy, too ways tell new friends and even parties early and leave early, before casual strangers, when I am in their my friends and the other guests get company and they are having a silly and argumentative and boring. drink, why I do not drink: I am in I have served my time paying back AA. A friend has remarked that she for the boredom I inflicted on others considers me the alcoholic the least when I got drunk. Sometimes I pick anonymous she ever heard of. This up a Twelfth Step case at one of procedure has brought me more these parties.

T h i s is the second ar- T WEN TY years later? Dry, one day at a time, for twenty years? Once that would have seemed an than a few Twelfth Step cases. Always it elicits inquiries and usually Anyone tailing me as I move around the big city where I live unendurable sentence to be faced. intense interest about the unorgan- might think me a liar and a hypoticle in the Grapevine’s In retrospect, the years have been ized organization called AA. If crite, for on occasion I go – alone n e w series by a u t h o r s of so busy, so happy, so full of fulfill- there is this interest, I explain brief- – into a bar. The answer is simple: the personal histories in ment that no one of those seven ly my own experience before and from the old, bad days I know the Big Book, Alcohol- thousand three hundred days has after joining AA, smile, accept con- where the washrooms are and, of ics Anonymous. First been long enough. And I have been gratulations, secretly giving thanks course, when you gotta go, you published in 1939, a happy – not frivolously and deter- inside myself for the philosophy I gotta go. American cities’ are norevised, enlarged Big minedly cheerful – but deep down have hooked onto. For I am hooked toriously short of this kind of con- B o o k wus published i n happy. A happiness so basic that it on AA; that is the most certain venience; the most likely place 1955. N o w , t w e l v e can withstand the occasional shocks thing I know. And it makes me always is in a bar. y e a r s luter, t h e a u t h o r of anger, frustration, impatience happy to shoot arrows into the air. My intent in writing such details of “He W h o Loses His and bone fatigue that once would I also believe that as soon as they is, hopefully, to reassure the candihave sent me to the nearest and are a bit competent in AA, the new- date for AA who hesitates about Life,” page 540 in the comers should carry the Twelfth coming to that first meeting or keepquickest alcoholic escape. Revised Edition, looks Fifteen years ago I wrote my Step work. That’s how I got well – ing on coming. Joining AA does not back o v e r twenty years- story for the Big Book. In it I said doing constant and intense Twelfth mean to me the taking of perpetual p l u s of sobriety that I belong to the school of AA Step work, privately, in groups and vows of abstinence through years thought which teaches that success- in hospitals. I did it for a number of that loom ahead bleakly. Of course ful membership in AA frees us, so years, joyously. Now when I acquire this is why we have the twenty-fourthat we may range the world -in a a new customer, as soon as it’s sen- hour plan. But even so, two years manner of speaking-like any other sible to do so, I transfer him to an before I achieved sobriety in AA, a

friend told me not to come near her wit, or maybe just good humor, again until 1 had been sober for ten good nature. I hope I am easier to years. I yelled, “I’d rather be dead live with. And behind the anonythan face such a terrible future!” mity of this essay, I will confess Her reply did not comfort me: to a joy that approaches smugness “Keep on as you are and you will in performing good deeds, also kept be dead.” 1 knew that; but 1 did not anonymous, if possible. You know that in achieving sobriety in wouldn’t think that at my age any- AA I’d also achieve the free-est one could be so naive? Ah, truly, it kind of freedom, if freedom can be is more blessed to give than to requalified. 1 would achieve the free- ceive. Let not your right hand know dom of c/wice. I’d like all hesitant what your left hand doeth. Retire to candidates to know that and to ac- a private place for your prayers. cept it: that they are not necessarily Bread cast on the waters, and so on. committing themselves to a life of Believe me, it’s all true. At least, it’s bondage, however healing that true for me. bondage might be. Selfishly, for me, the best is that No one would be in despair be- I’m in command. No compulsion by cause his body cannot handle straw- anything drives me to actions that I berries. Well, my body just can’t don’t really want to do, don’t aphandle alcohol, that’s all. It so hap- prove of, and know are wrong. I pens I’ve had my gall bladder out hope 1 am no less human for being and can’t eat grapes, but that cir- dry, twenty-years-plus dry, in AA. cumstance does not make me con- The bad old years, the years of template suicide. (The doctors as- suffocating in the deep morass of sured me that my past drinking had alcoholism, arc years I could have nothing to do with the gall bladder used to good advantage had I not trouble, for any possibly curious been trapped by this hideous disreaders of this essay.) ease. There were seven or eight Now, while I go to meetings only years before I found AA – oh, how occasionally, I use AA daily, hour- 1 could have used those years! But ly, I might say every waking hour they were not wasted; they stripped of my life. I have to deal with a lot me of everything, including selfof people. Frequently, I am in the respect; but they made me ready for position of being able to help them the happiness of the last twenty in many ways. Thanks to AA, I am years in AA. more tolerant and, I hope, more Come on, man, join us! Be understanding of others. A certain happy, too. All you have to do to former impatience is minimized; I’m change your life is change your working on it. The sarcasm is re- mind. placed by – at least in intention – E. B. R., Manhattan, N. Y .

October 1967

T HIS is being written by a new member of AA who has become frozen in his “newness.” After being once more able to become active, I will still consider myself a new member. I will think of myself as But, to my mind at least, there is definitely a difference in what members have to offer to a comparative on the program for a little’ more having only five months’ seniority. newcomer like myself. This differthan five months, preceded by thirty Yes, I said “seniority.” And I ence is based largely on the time years of drinking, I had an accident know the common saying: “There is they have been in the program and which confined me first to a hospital no seniority in AA. The most sober also upon how active they have and now to the second floor of my person at this meeting is the one been. If you don’t like the term house. I cannot attend meetings, who got up earliest in the morning.” “seniority,” then use the word exand I cannot do Twelfth Step work. Now, I do not wish to take vio- perience. There is no substitute for I cannot take credit for my present lent exception to that statement. If I experience, in AA or anywhere else. sobriety because I cannot get out to seem to disagree, it is only in the No lead is ever a total loss, and a tavern or liquor store, and nobody interpretation of the word “senior- a member can learn something from is likely to bring a bottle to me. I do ity.” I agree that technically the every speaker. But I remember the read AA literature, including the person who has been sober for a lead that came closest to being a Grapevine, and I do have occasional week is as sober as the person who total loss for me. The speaker had talks with AA members who come has been without a drink for twenty been on the program for three days. to visit me. But I do not feel that I years. And certainly seniority counts Three days! Almost any alcoholic am working the program. I am not for nothing when it comes to “hold- has at some time gone that long advancing as I would be if I were ing office” in AA, if anyone may be without a drink. I remember thinkactive. said to hold office in this almost an- ing that he might stop in a bar on If the day ever comes when I am archical Fellowship. the way home from the meeting. Of

course, that could be said of any said, is enforced. But this was pre- never have made it. certain extent. Newcomers are a speaker, but I would have had more ceded by five months of AA sobri- They would not let me thank sign of growth and a sign that AA confidence in one who had been ety. Before I came to AA my story , them. A typical reply was: “This is is reaching out to more alcoholics. sober for three years, or even three ! a selfish program. I stay sober by But there is a chance that the was the usual one of psychiatrists, months. hospitals and mental institutions. : helping you.” newcomer will never come back to On the other hand, I was greatly AA succeeded where all else had I I accept this with reservations. a second meeting. In that case, he impressed by the speaker who had failed. Next to my Higher Power I These old members could have got- did not turn out to be so important joined AA in 1940 and had been owed this sobriety to AA members ten along without me. I could not after all. What we really mean when active in Twelfth Step work most of whom I met for the first time when have gotten along without them. we welcome a newcomer is, “We the time since. The fact that he had I went to my first meeting. These And I don’t think that veteran AA hope you will stay with us and behad a few slips did not interfere with members phoned me, called on me , members are half as selfish as they come an old member.” Because it is his seniority as far as I was con- at my house, took me to meetings in ‘ like to say they are. They are the the old members who do the work cerned. This made him seem more other parts of the city and in other kindest, most considerate people I and carry the message. human and more understanding of cities. They were all “old” members have ever met. After my accident The old members will never the problems faced by us new- who had been in the Fellowship for many of them gave up their valu- salute themselves. Most new memcomers. I admired him for persever- at least two years, and many of able time to visit me in the hospital bers are too awed and frightened to ing despite his slips. them had been in much longer than and at home. And I had known salute anybody. I feel that my My present sobriety, as I have that. Without their help I would them only a few months! Not one of unique position as a more or less my old drinking buddies ever “permanent new member” gives me showed up. the opportunity to offer this well- Sometimes a chairman, as he deserved salute. opens a meeting, says something As I have said, there is no sublike this: “If there is anybody here stitute for experience. The new for the first time tonight, I want to member comes to AA only with the extend a special welcome to you. experience of being drunk. The old You are the most important person member has the experience of stayin this room.” ing sober. That is very kind, it is good psy- There is all the difference in the chology, and it is even true – to a world. D.S., Dayton, Ohio

November 1967

Big Book Stories – Updated This is the third article in the Grapevine’s series by authors of the personal histories in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book was published in 1939; the revised, enlarged version came out in 1955. Now, the author of “Stars Don’t Fall,” page 401 in the revised edition, reports on the vital experience-some of it rough going—of the second half of her quarter-century of sobriety in AA.

At Last No Longer Apart

Then the old selfdoubts would re- another mood swing, and I would W HEN they told me my story would appear in the “highbottom” section of the last edition in jail, in a sanitarium, or on the Bowery in actual fact. But this, I felt, was not any fault of mine. I turn, and I would sink into yet another long, black depression. feel on top of the world again. Life was wonderful, everything was cornof the Big Book-the section la- had done my best to make the low- Thank God for AA and the meet- ing my way. I would never, never beled “They Stopped in Time9′-I bottom section of the book. I said to ings and thank God for my wonder- have another depression. And then, was hurt. Had I not suffered more myself (and most secretly I said it), ful friends in AA. I had help, and when something came along to u p than anyone else? Was I not a rag, “I am different. I am not quite like so I was able to stay sober. And I set me, back I would go into Bna bone, a hank of hair, when I fi- other AAs. None of them have been could say to myself, “I have a great other long, dark tunnel, that surely, nally came staggering through the so self-debased, so bitterly ashamed, many wonderful friends. Since they this time, was for eternity! . door of the old clubhouse at 3241% so mortally guilty. I don’t care what like and love me enough to stick by Well, I did work and pray and . West Twenty-fourth Street? How they say; I don’t believe that any- me, I can’t be all that bad.” The persist. And my friends did hang on, could they say .that I had had an body else in AA is quite as bad as I person I couldn’t really sell was my- God bless them all. And I did keep easy time of it? was and, in many ways, still am.” self. Trying to talk, pray, and work going to meetings, no matter how I You see, I had a secret idea: No- This feeling of being a little bit myself out of these moods was like felt, and I tried to do Twelfth Step body really appreciated how much worse than and therefore a little bit trying to push an angleworm uphill work, even when my pigeons were I had been through, how searing to different from anybody else in AA on a rainy day. It couldn’t be done. in better shape than I was! I knew the soul my last three years of stayed with me for many years. I Of course, I dramatized this soggy one thing: I had not really been able drinking had been, how low I had could not shake a maudlin sense of condition. I called it “my inner to let go and let God. I did not trust really sunk when I had practically unworthiness. I would lick it for a sense of bleeding loss.” I thought anybody but me to get me out of lived in the cheap Greenwich Vil- while and think, “Now I’ve made it. that perhaps I was trapped in the this. Oh, I kept right on praying, as lage bars, never knowing how I got Now I’m really sober-on the pro- coils of original sin. My, my, how I best I knew how. But it was that home. Of course, I had never been gram in thought as well as deed.” did carry on! And then would come same old sense of apartheid-a

spiritual segregation from life-that I had not had before. It has been . was the problem. It had been my growing slowly ever since. I have problem when I was drunk, too. made it a habit to pray at least twice One day, a couple of years ago, a day, and sometimes oftener. (I I was walking along a sand road on have been praying ever since I first the West Coast of Florida, when an came into AA, but this is different.) answer came to me. I suddenly said I feel that the Higher Power is, in a to myself, “I want everybody whom mystical sense, the sum total of my I hate or fear, everybody who has true being, and is working with and ever injured me, or whom I may through me at all times. This Power have injured-I want them all to can and will do anything necessary be as happy as I want to be. I want for my good and that of others, if I them to be happy right now, wher- let it. I have, at last, learned to trust ever they are.” And then I thought God. And so, at long last, I am no of a couple of people and named longer alone, no longer segregated them out loud and said, “I want you from everybody else. It has been a to be happy.” Something happened. great relief not to expect life to be It was as if a black bird flew sud- easy all the time. denly out of my heart. I felt a won- I used to think prayers for spederful sense of peace, and my eyes cific things should be answered filled with tears. specifically. I no longer expect the After that, things began happen- answer to prayer to be the solution ing. The first thing that happened that I can envision. A lot of the was that I slowly stopped fearing time, now, I’m able to let go and let these people. I went through the God bring about a solution that whole time span and forgave them transcends any solution that I could retroactively and in the present and have thought of. Things that would on into the future. I forgave them have thrown me for a loop two forever, and in this way I slowly be- years ago, now merely upset me, as gan to forgive myself. This self- they would anyone, and I do the forgiveness brought new self-re- best I can about them. Under these spect. Even when things went circumstances, a load of minor irwrong, I didn’t hate myself as I had. ritations or a couple of real big And then good things began to problems don’t frighten me as they happen in the outer world. I was used to. For I am not alone. As for given help in several things where the good things of life-great and help was very much needed. The small-why, I never knew what help seemed to arrive at the right happiness was until now. time and in the right way. In May, Oh, wonderful, wonderful, won- 1965, things really began looking derful, I am sober at last. up. I experienced a joy of living that F. M., New Canaan, Conn.

January 1 9 6 8

‘ig Book Stories – Updated one of the most important facets of stating that I probably did not reour program. member him, but six years ago I had This is the fourth article in the Grapevine’s series When we moved into a new home brought him to his first AA meeting. by authors of the personal histories in the Big and district several years ago in He went on to say that it did not Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book was Pittsburgh, various ministers called “take” until three years later, when published in 1935; the revised, enlarged version inviting us to attend their churches. he found himself on skid row and came out in 1955. Now the author of “Rum, It became a little embarrassing to remembered me and the meeting I Radio and Rebellion,” page 317 in the revised my wife at times when the minister took him to. He then sought AA edition, stresses themes that seem of the greatest was groping around to find out just again. He had been sober three importance to him now – responsibility and grat- what our religion was. One young years and had driven over 200 itude to A A : ” It distresses me particularly when I minister came quickly to the point miles to thank me for showing him see older members gradually drop out of the by asking, “Mrs. W,- just what the way. picture.” is your husband’s religion?” That night I gratefully thanked Without hesitancy, she said, “Al- God for my sobriety and my active coholics Anonymous.” association with AA. You and I will . His reply was “I don’t know of a never know when some future membetter one!” ber will walk through the door of No Graduation from AA! Of course AA is not a religion, your meeting or mine, bankrupt in but it is most definitely a spiritual every department, but seeking us program. In my years in this Fel- out for help because we planted the

T HIS question has been asked of fully qualified on these now, or ever me on more than one occasion: will be): the spiritual part of our “If you had it to do over again, program and the responsibility to lowship, I have yet to see a happy member who does not seek and take advantage of the spiritual benefits to seed months and even years ago. At times like this, I am so grateful that I was at my meeting to extend a would you change your story in the our group and to AA as a whole. their fullest extent. welcoming hand. Big Book?” My story (titled “Rum, My opinions on these subjects are Our responsibility to our group, It could be most distressing to Radio and Rebellion”) was written not mine alone, but are what I have to AA as a whole, and especially to that prospective member if he asked after nine years of sobriety in AA. gathered from many who have been General Service is a subject dwelt for you and was told, “He never Today, after twenty-one years of in the program for a long time and. upon far too lightly by many of our made the grade. As far as we know, this new way of life, I will let the are still working it successfully one members. It distresses me particu- he is still drinking.” Such an answer story stand, however much I would day at a time. larly when I see older members would be more than disconcerting to like to add to it. I have been very I came into AA in 1945. I be- gradually drop out of the picture. the down-and-outer. It could m e p fortunate in having the opportunity lieved in God, but that was about Not only do we need their good ex- that his life was left hanging in the to speak at AA conferences, ban- the limit of my spiritual qualifica- perience, but they should be grateful balance. quets, and state conventions. (Join tions. Actually, I was in the pro- enough to carry on the message as I hate to meet members who con- AA and see the world!) And here I gram about three years before I their responsibility to the future of sider that they have graduated from want to give just a short qualifica- found comfort and deep satisfaction Alcoholics Anonymous and, in AA. They are missing so much! I tion and spend more time on what in prayer. Insight gradually came many instances, to their very own know now that sobriety is not a Alcoholics Anonymous means to to me through the voices of sobriety. destination, but an endless journey. me. Nine years of AA certainly did older members. I became convinced I’ll never forget one individual I hastily add: a very beautiful journot qualify me on two subjects I through meditation and prayers who approached me several years ney. now like to stress (not that I am (Step Eleven) that I had neglected ago. He opened the conversation by P . W., Cleveland, Tenn.

JANUARY 1968

The Deacon’s Bench

Don’t Make It Too Rosy It must be confusing to a newcomer Some go as far as to insist, “Once I’ve been around this program awhile, you’re sober, nothing can stop you. No to hear this constant theme of “everyand I’ve noticed when newcomers come goal is impossible of attainment to one thing coming my way” and “Nothing is through that door they are invariably be- now sober, if he sets his mind to it.” impossible of attainment once we are mused, bewildered, and very ill human This is a lot of malarkey. T o aim high sober.” Lest we forget- life isn’t all beings. There was a time when speakers is fine, but let’s remember we all have roses. Sobriety is its own reward for told, in simple words, how it happened, certain inborn limitations. A quiet intro- being. The extras may or will come as what they used to be like, and how they vert will not suddenly blossom into a God sees fit, and only in varying deare now. This was good. It enabled the dynamic, outspoken extrovert or a crack- grees. new members to identify. erjack salesman. He will remain a quiet, Some of us are further down and Lately, that trend is gradually revers- gentle individual who, by living a sober must climb back from a greater distance ing itself. Speakers stress how life has life, can reasonably expect a gradual, to return to a normal life. Not every changed for them, and this generally steady improvement in his outer circum- wife forgives us and returns to our arms; leads to a buildup of great proportions, stances. not every bodily ailment clears up. Our stressing how well things are shaping up, Sometimes a steady, slow gain will be material gains may be less than many a how everything is coming their way since interwoven with a bad period which has speaker describes. This is only logical becoming sober, etc. A little of this trend no bearing on his sobriety. It can, and and would cause little concern if so of thought is fine. Too much is a burden often will, happen this way. Severe ill- much stress was not placed on material to all of us. ness strikes his family, calling for a re- gains. I have listened to speakers who have vision of their entire plans. The fact that Let’s try and keep this sort of pressure lost sight of their main purpose in being he is a sober, practicing AA member out of AA. Newcomers are bewildered there, and sober, in a glowing buildup of will help him through, but no one es- older members take it all with a grain of purely financial gains. They gloatingly capes these blows, just by virtue of salt – but no one needs it. Some speakitemize their numerous material pos- being sober. Sobriety teaches us how to ers show a strange resurgence of ego in sessions, even to listing fur coats and meet our setbacks head on and to rally boasting of their attainments. We all new Cadillacs, as though that proved our forces to surmount painful blows. need, and seek, a truly humble heart in anything in itself. We ride out a storm with as much se- carrying the message. This one quality renity as we can muster, and only hope will do more to draw new members, and we are stronger when the deluge ceases. hold on to older ones, than we realize. Or so it seems to me, and I’ve thought about this a long time before putting it down in words. A. M., Vertfurt~,Calif.

February 1968

Remembering Dr. Bob From San Mateo, Calif.: Sixteen years have passed since Dr. Bob left for his Big Meeting, and today there are only a very few members of AA remaining who knew Dr. Bob personally. Each year there are fewer references made to him in our press and in our conversations, and I have noticed that several publications in recent years have referred to him as the Number Two AA. No reference to Dr. Bob is further from the truth. When our co-founders met for the first time in Akron, Ohio, an indivisible union was formed which became the cornerstone on which the structure of Alcoholics Anonymous was built. Each man assumed the duties he was better qualified to perform, and no two men ever complemented each other more completely than Dr. Bob and Bill W. did. During his lifetime, Dr. Bob hospitalized and sponsored more than five thousand men and women, who became the hard core of AA, and this alone qualifies him for eternal recognition as a co-founder of AA. Since I knew Dr. Bob personally and am indebted to him for many good things in my life, I feel it is a great privilege to remind those who refer to Dr. Bob as the Number Two AA that he was not Number TWO,but, with Bill, Number One. DEWEY S.

March 1968

originally was the war cry of the may have thought, just to stop Scottish Highlands. Anyone who drinking period; we can all rememcan imagine a Highland chief urging ber from our past the dreary, un- Big Book Stories – Updated his clan into battle with slogans ending sequence of stop, restart, such as Think o r Easy Does It can- stop, restart. The problem is to This is the fifth article in the Grapevine’s series by not be very well acquainted with the remain securely abstinent permaauthors of personal histories in the Big Book, Alco- Scots. Yet for us, today, these AA nently, albeit we work at it one day holics Anonymous. The Big Book was published in Slogans are very useful pieces of at a time. Obviously, no one will 1939; a revised, enlarged version came out in 1955. Now, the author of “The Career Officer,” page 523 advice. When we merely accept stay dry for long or willingly unless in the revised edition, reports on thirteen more years them passively, as if brainwashed, life without drink gives him satisof sobriety in Ireland, where he first found AA that is lazy thinking, and lazy think- faction. He can arrive at that satistwenty-one years ago. ing can become an important defect faction only by learning to live with if applied to our Steps. himself in peace, with his neighbor The Twelfth Step sets out that in charity, and with his conscience our founder members tried to prac- in reasonable repose. That, at least Alcoholics Anonymous. But the tice these principles in all their for me, is the guide motif of our passage of time has given me more affairs. And still, so many tell us Steps. That is why it doesn’t now time to think. And in the hope that that no one could possibly apply seem right to me to go about saying, what I write will not be taken as the these principles to his whole life. Is “AA is a strange program,” though views of an Angry Old Man, I put this not lazy thinking? Do some of I used to for a time. It no longer the Program forward some of the things I think us just accept the Steps, to be “with appears strange to me. It seems the about. it,” without working out what these only sort of recovery program that In All Our In No Man Is an Island, Thomas principles really are for each of us? could possibly work for an alco- Merton wrote, “Tradition is living My own list of the principles I holic. and active, but Convention is pas- . Affairs sive and dead. Tradition does not must practice consists of: realism, Yet so many of us still tell a newcomer that he has only. to stay with its frequent reminders of huform us automatically; we have to mility; faith, anchored to some un- dry for today and to come to meetwork to understand it. Convention changing norm of goodness (God, ings. The meetings won’t practice is accepted passively, as a matter of as I understand Him); atonement; the Steps for him, though they may routine. It offers us only pretended patience; and thinking with spiritual and should help him to persevere in

M ORE than twelve years have passed since I ended my story in the Big Book with the words ways of solving the problems of living, a system of gestures and formalities. . . . One goes through an discipline. Can I honestly tell myself that the practice (though not the finished accomplishment) of his own practice of them. Even the most meeting-minded member has to pass many hours of the day when “AA has made me very happy.” act, without trying to understand the these principles is impossible for me he is alone and must depend on his Nothing that has happened since meaning of it all, merely because in all my affairs? own inner strength. These are the has made me change my mind. The everyone else does the same.” Perhaps with advantage to our- hours when practice of these prinpersonal details of my life in be- Convention does rule the lives of selves – especially at the siart – ciples in all his affairs must cease tween are unimportant to anyone most of us. We do go through life we might pay more attention to a to be a conventional, superficial acbut myself. They have made me saying things and doing things be- few words in our purpose: to solve ceptance of them and become a more grateful to our founders and cause others do them and say them. our common problem. Our common matter of the heart and the will. to the vast army of my comrades in For instance, our Slogans. A slogan problem is not, as we quite naturally I find that over the years I have

acquired a few mild dislikes. The years’ existence, I suppose 1 rank as calling of the Higher Power, o r God an old-timer. My group has always as we understand Aim, “The Man been marveloLsly kind to me and VFtairs” is one. The advertising of tolerant of a personality that has some member as a star speaker and consistently demanded a great meaa special attraction is another. (This sure of tolerance. Old-timers must isn’t envy!) Can we not take every often be a headache to younger speaker, silver-tongued or tongue- members. But the old-timer who has tied, at his real value of being come to realize, as I hope I have another alcoholic who is doing his myself, that he is not God’s gift to best to stay recovered himself and AA, but that AA is God’s gift to trying to help us to do the same? him, still has something good to And I do somehow feel from time give to his group: the demonstration to time that the increasing number of his continued sobriety, his active of conventions and the like, through membership, and his gratitude for the amount of preliminary organiza- his recovery to – under God – the tion and work involved, are divert- Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonying time and effort from our primary mous. purpose. These distastes are, how- My prayer for my AA contemever, very slight ripples in a sea of poraries and myself is that we may contentment. to the end remain, in Tennyson’s In the sense that I have been a words, “Strong in will / T o strive, member of our group for all but to seek, to find and not to yield.” five months of its more than twenty S. M . , Dublin, Ireland

March 1968

Old-timer’s lament there is a certain percentage of old- lament, enjoys a sort of status in timers who behave this way, but we AA, but I’m betting that most of us should try to understand them, too would rather be just one of the – perhaps their egos were too bad- gang. (Can’t we please join AA?) Do I Have Problems? ly mutilated ever to be patched up The old-timer must play a role again. But it seems to me it would which can be demanding and fright- Thered carpet’s out for. t h e newcomer. belie the effectiveness and work- ening. He must personify the pro- What’s o u t f o r ability of the program if the major- gram at its highest level,, have the ity were guilty. answer to every question, and have t h e old-timer? The red carpet is rolled out for achieved total self-mastery – what- Well, n o w . . . the newcomer and the struggling ever that is. And he is not free to slippee (and let’s never change that), throw out a problem at the discusbut the old-timer is relegated to a sion table, for he has none. A big back seat to bask in his own glory. order for an ex-drunk, a very hu- I N N O V E M BERof this year, God willing the cork stays in, 1’11 celebrate my twenty-second anni- The old-timer is often regarded, albeit affectionately, as a square, an old fuddy-duddy with outdated man, very fallible, and often very frightened ex-drunk. Don’t get me wrong – again. I’m versary in AA. not trying to reconstruct a program ideas, very much as a teenager re- Several years ago, while going that is so dear to my heart. Please gards his forty- or fifty-year-old through a difficult period (perhaps God it remains as changeless as its parents. We understand this, but we the most difficult in my AA life), I cornerstone, truth. But you want to have not only the right but the obran into a young-timer who also was know something? We old-timers do ligation to speak the truth as we beset with problems. At first she understand. We do love you. We do have learned it. We, too, have felt stood in awe of me as a hallowed know a thing or two. And we d o the sting of the chastening rod and creature who, because I was an have problems. have . rebelled. We, too, had to old-timer, had been miraculously So won’t you try to be patient learn that group welfare and group released from any capacity for suf- with us? After all, you, too; will conscience must come before our fering. Later on, she got around to become an old-timer if you live long own ego satisfaction. We, too, had unburdening herself. She said to me, enough. to learn that grow we must, for “It’s okay for you, you’ve got it And may the road rise with you. growth is peace. made. What problem could you pos- C. J. R., Manhattan, N . Y . The old-timer, to go on with my sibly have?” I adjusted my halo and said nothing. I find this kind of thinking quite prevalent in groups, and I feel that in many ways the old-timer is misunderstood. We’re bleeding deacons, throw our weight around, want to run the show, impose our views on others, forget the days when we were new, ad infinitum. Assuredly,

May 1968

Big Book Series

Sober for Thirty Years One o f the earliest members o f the first New York A A group, he was also its first “self-proclaimed atheist”

s N O T ED in my story, “The A Vicious Cycle,” in the Big Book, I came into the Fellowship in The author’s New York in January, 1938. At that time it was iust leavine the . 2 ~- Oxford Group. There was one story appears on closed discussion meeting a week. at -nattend- Bill’s home in ~ r o o k l ~ page 238 of the ance six or eight men, with onlv three members who had been sob& revised edition of more than one year: Bill, Hank, and Fritz. This is about all that had Alcoholics Anonymous, been accomplished in the four years with the New York Oxford Group. published During those early meetings at Bill’s, they were flying blind, with in 1952 no creed or procedure to guide them, though they did use quite a few of the Oxford sayings and the Oxford Absolutes. Since both Bill and Dr. Bob had had almost-overnight religious experiences, it was taken for grantcd that all who followed their way would have the samc sort of expcricnce. So the early meetings were quite religious, in both New York ilnd Akron. There was always a Bible on hand, and the concept of God was all biblical.

Into this fairly peaceful picture sober alone. My closed mind opened came I, their first self-proclaimed a bit. Those folks back in New atheist, completely against all re- York, the folks who believed, had IfgiiiTns and conventions. I was the stayed sober. And I hadn’t. Since captain of my own ship. (The only this episode I don’t think I have trouble was, my ship was completely ever argued with anyone else’s bedisabled and rudderless.) So natur- liefs. Who am I to say? ally I started fighting nearly all the I finally crawled back to New things Bill and the others stood for, York and was soon back in the fold. especially religion, the “God bit.” About this time, Bill and Hank were But I did want to stay sober, and I just beginning to write the AA Big did love the understanding Fellow- Book. I do feel sure my experience ship. So I became quite a problem was not in vain, for “God” was to that early group, with my con- broadened to cover all types and stant haranguing against all the creeds: “Cod as we understood spiritual angles. Him.” All of a sudden, the group be- I feel my spiritual growth over came really worried. Here I had these past thirty years has been very stayed sober five whole months gradual and steady. I have no dewhile fighting everything the others sire to “graduate” from AA. I try stood for. I was now number four in to keep my memories green by stay- “seniority.” I found out later they ing active in AA – a couple of had a prayer meeting on “what to meetings weekly. do with Jim. “The consensus seemed For the new agnostic or atheist to have been that they hoped I just coming in, I will try to give would either leave town or get very briefly my milestones in redrunk. covery: That prayer must have been right I . The first power I found greater on target, for I was suddenly taken than myself was John Barleycorn. drunk on a sales trip. This became 2. The AA Fellowship became the shock and the bottom I needed. my higher power for the first two At this time I was selling auto polish years. to jobbers for a company that Bill 3. Gradually, I came to believe and Hank were sponsoring, and I that God and Good were synonywas doing pretty well, too. But mous and were to be found in all despite this, I was tired and com- of us. pletely isolated there in Boston. My 4. And I found that by meditating fellow alcoholics really put the and trying to tune in on my better pressure on as I sobered up after self for guidance and answers, I befour days of no relief, and for the came more comfortable and steady. first time I admitted I couldn’t stay J . B., Sun Diego, Calif.

July 1968 b

Big Book Stories – Updated

After Twenty-Nne Years The author’s story, “Women Sufler Too,” appears on page 222 of the Hers was the first woman’s story in the Big Book; revised edition o f Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1955. after three decades, A A is still her spiritual home

assurance that I would be able to side it. The feeling of warmth, of ceive) from AA is the knowledge of stay away from drinking. love and understanding, of ac- where and how to draw the strength In 1968 I feel no different about ceptance and belonging that I get at and flexibility to meet problems. the Twelve Steps. They did give me a meeting is to me one of the great My life seems made up of problems, what I needed to stay away from rewards of being in AA. It is a rare but I have learned that I am not drinking. Within a few years I came thing we have, which the nonalco- unique, that life in general is just to realize they had given me far holic world rarely experiences. It that. Problems and strain and stress more than that: a glimpse at some- makes me know how lucky we are the stuff of life in our times, and thing I had never known – peace really are. my AA-given philosophy helps me In my working life, my personal to accept this and to live with it. T ODAY, as in April 1939 when I attended my first meeting, the Twelve Steps are to me the heart of of mind, a sense of being comfortable with myself and with the world in which I lived, and a host of other life, and my spiritual life (which last I owe to AA, for I did not Each day is a new one, and 1 try to meet it that way, as if each day I, the AA program. By the time I things which could be summed up have it before), I find the Twelve too, were fresh and new. The 24gathered up courage to attend a as a sense of growth, both emotional Steps a nearly constant guide. I hour plan gave me this outlook, and meeting, I had read the Big Book and spiritual. carry them in my wallet. I refer to each day it confirms me in my three times. And I had studied Always, to me, meetings have them – to particular Steps that effort to make it real for myself. several hundred times the pages been important. They renew the in- meet a particular need – with regu- Twenty-nine years later I feel as containing the Twelve Steps and the spiration I felt at my first one. They larity. deeply immersed in AA thinking suggestions on how to use them. remind me of whence I came, and The Serenity Prayer runs through and the AA way of life as I did at They didn’t seem easy to me-they how near I will always be to that my life like a litany; I find myself the outset. For me it is increasingly didn’t even seem simple, in spite of twilight world of drinking. Most of using it on a vast variety of occa- necessary as I grow older. And it is their clarity of language. But I was all, they bring me in contact with sions to meet a vast variety of always there for me, just as it has eager to go to work on all of them, my friends and introduce me to new problems. always been since I first found it. for they seemed to me the key to ones -in my case, because I travel Perhaps the greatest thing I have For this I daily thank God. that which I so desperately needed: a lot, all over this country and out- received (and still constantly re- Marly M., Manhattan, N . Y .

September 1968 r

Big Book Stories – Updated

So Changed a Life The author’s story, “Fear o f Fear,” ” A A has taught us to be grateful . . . appears on page 330 o f the revised the one thing neither edition o f Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1955. of us knew . . .”

Now, after these happy years, a receptionist at my age was some- panky was new. The thing that what do we have? thing. It was fun, not much money really concerned me was the fact We still, thank God, have each and not much work, but fun. that the people did not believe me other. Through the advertising-agency at all times. When I called to say AA has taught us to be grateful. work, I gained enough confidence I was sick, I really was sick. The That sounds trite, but gratitude is to look for a job that would mean other gals sort of snickered at me the one thing neither one of us more responsibility and thus a bet- when I said, “I do not tell lies.” I knew before AA. ter salary. I came to my present do love my workaday life, and I Our families can trust us again. job and have been here for almost know if I had tried it about nine- As for our friends, most of them, eight years, getting advancements teen years ago, I would not have each year. After I had been here a had the serenity to take it as I do

w HAT a change in our lives since that day eighteen years ago when George and I came into AA! We were two spiritually, with the exception of our church friends, are in our Fellowship. And what friends! Physically, we are in better shape (and I do mean shape) than when few months, George also got started again in his profession. Working has been quite an experience for me. I had always done now. Friends ask us why we continue to go to meetings, do Twelfth Step work, and speak at other groups. mentally, and physically beaten we came in-two shaky, befuddled volunteer work at my children’s They ask, “Isn’t eighteen years people. Our children were ashamed people. schools, our church, and our AA enough time to prove you have the of us; our family did not want any My life has completely changed. Intergroup office; but getting along alcoholic problem licked?” My part of us. Our drinking friends (the George found it tough going finan- with people who were my bosses answer is always the same: that I only ones we had) were almost as cially for quite a while, so my gals and were paying me good money love my AA. It is the one fellowfar gone as we were, so we were in AA asked me why I did not find was a new and, for me, a frighten- ship that has given us our lives, two lost lambs-more like goats, I myself a job. For years, I had been ing thing. My AA principles had to freedom, and happiness. We are not would say. We were afraid of ask- a housewife, with absolutely no be applied not just one day at a reformed drunks-but informed al- . ing anyone for help (if we even knowledge of office work. One of time, but every minute of each hour. coholics. knew we needed help), fed up with our AA gals got me a start in one The politics of an office were I know to whom I owe my gratieach other, ready to call the whole of the very swanky advertising strange to me. I have always been tude: my fellow members of AA. thing off, without the strength to agencies, as a receptionist. Not honest in all my dealings, even I hope I shall never forget to be know where to look for help. much was required of me, but to be while drinking, but this office hanky- grateful. C. F., Manhattan, N.Y.

November 1968

Big Book Stories -Updated

“I’ve Never Quit Being Active.” This is a life-changing program times out of the country). Many three-step program, which with people call upon me for counsel and practice has become habitual. and t h e g r o w t h process advice on both personal and group Step Ten enables me to check on never ends problems. I have an extensive cor- myself and my activities of the day. respondence, since I have made so I have found that most things dis-

0 N FEBR U A RY 11, 1938, I had my last drink. I was a chronic alky, and through a long, involved many friends in AA from coast to coast. Once in a while, I sponsor someone. Cases where about everyturbing me are little things, but still the very things which, if not dealt with, can pile up and eventually miracle I met my sponsor, Dr. Bob, thing has been tried, by about every- overwhelm me. My daily checkup one of our co-founders. He put me one else, often wind up in my hands. covers good deeds as well as ,quesin Akron City Hospital, where I I have not found the program to tionable ones; often, I find I can met most of the alkies who had pre- be difficult, and I maintain that if it commend myself in some areas, ceded me in the Fellowship. does seem difficult for anyone, he is while in others I owe apologies. Fifteen months later, I organized not doing it “right.” Certainly, when Step Eleven is done after my daily the Cleveland, Ohio, AA group. The I came to this Fellowship, I was in inventory. I usually need the peace activity in the Cleveland area was no position or condition to handle resulting from prayer and meditahectic. I spent practically all my anything difficult! I kept things tion, and I do receive guidance for time obtaining and following up on simple. But I must add that when I my life and actions. The author’s story, publicity for AA, lining up coopera- first began I was well sponsored. Step Twelve, to me, does involve tion with civic and church groups, I took measures now summarized not only carrying the message, but “Home Brewmeister,” hospitals, and courts, and helping in the first nine Steps of the pro- extending AA principles into all appears on page 297 new groups to start. gram: admittance of a need (the phases of my daily life. So what do I do now, thirty years First Step), surrender (Second I learned long ago that this is o of the revised edition later? I have never quit being active, through Seventh), and restitution life-changing program, but that, of “Alcoholics Anonymous,” although my position in the Fellow- (Eighth and Ninth). Having done after the change occurs, it is necespublished in 1955 ship has modified over the years. I this, I no longer had a drinking sary for me to go on making the attend an average of two meetings problem, since it had been turned effort to improve myself mentally, per week, when I am home. I am over to a Higher Power. Now I had morally, and spiritually. also asked to speak at various – and still have -a living prob- This is my simple program, and groups. In addition, I am invited lem. But that is taken care of by the I recommend it to anyone who to take part in numerous group an- practice of Steps Ten, Eleven, and wants a good life and is willing to niversary programs and AA round- Twelve. So I don’t have to be con- do his share of helping. ups around the country (and some- cerned about anything but a simple C. H . S,, St. Petersburg, Fla.

January 1969 d, –

Big Book Stories -Updated Sobriety? Yes, of course, for there structive action will be greater. Also, can be no future without this. But if when we learn to take a good look I can maintain sobriety-then what? before we leap, we can eliminate the Don’t Take Our What can I do with what remains of purely emotional decisions we used my life?” to act upon, so often to our sorrow Word for It The answers may vary somewhat, and destruction. but I think there are certain funda- The AA approach to life steers us mental desires that are much the along a maturing course. We be- ‘same in all of us. We want, first of come willing to accept the responsome kind of noble, self-sacrificing all, to be liberated from dependence sibility of our actions. We learn to contribution. Nothing could be fur- on any human crutch. Next, we improve the quality of our living by . ther from the truth. This tremendous want to achieve dependability and constantly striving to improve ouractivity, by bringing me into almost trustworthiness, so that our self-re- selves. Although we cannot change constant contact with other mem- spect is restored and we can earn the the world, we find that for us relabers doing likewise, provided me right of respect from others. Then tive (yet miraculous) change does with everything I most desperately we must find some reason for our occur outside ourselves as we needed to save my life–quite liter- existence, so that we may obtain change inwardly. And after a while ally. As I look back I realize this purpose in our lives -a purpose we begin to realize that we are de- An early Chicago member was the most excitingly beautiful worth striving to achieve. We need veloping a pretty sound philosophy ., writes the sequel to her story period of my life, filled with great to learn to laugh again, relax again, to live b3. , ! humor, incredible thrills, and revela- enjoy living again. We want to be The very rhture of this approach (page 304 in “Alcoholics tory happenings. Out of these were capable of meeting the daily chal- to life calls for a cbntinuous striving Anonymous”) and clearly born human relationships the like of lenges as they come, with courage toward the personal goals we have which I wouldn’t have believed pos- and good humor. Instead of running set for ourselves. We will never outspells out the progression sible. from life’s problems, we’d like to grow the program. Always, as more of sobriety By 1955, when I wrote my story find we can meet them head-on and vistas open up for us, or when we for the revised edition of alcoholic,^ handle them well. reach a new plateau, we find the Anonymous, our membership in the It seems like a pretty big order, need to climb a little higher, or go a

‘ T HE FIRST ten years of AA in the Chicago area (1939 through 1949) were years filled with much Chicago area alone had grown from six to six thousand. Now, there were many to carry on the work. The and it is. Yet all these wishes and many more can become realities if we will just follow the AA blueprint bit further. “What is it I really want from life?” Now we can answer that activity. During the first four or five group did not need us in the same for living. question. ‘years, the activity was at times even degree as it had earlier. But our The AA concept tends to simplify We want to mature. We want to feverish. Our numbers were small need for the group had pot dimin- life. It teaches us how to keep our- be able to make a constructive conwhen AA received its first national ished. After we come into AA, after selves straightened away by weeding tribution to our world. We want to publicity, so all of us were pressed the fog is lifted from our thinking, out the crippling attitudes and re- develop well-integrated, whole perinto service in an effort to answer then we begin to find ourselves. placing erroneous premises with true sonalities. We want balance in our the flood of requests that poured in When we have had the time to com- values. It wisely counsels us to turn lives; we want to develop all the from all over the Midwest. plete that all-important, searching the inner searchlights on what un- areas of our being equally. We want It would be nice to intimate that personal inventory, we must ask, derlies our motivations before we to improve our understanding of and my part in all this amounted to “What is it I really want from life? act, so that the chances for con- appreciation for our fellowman, and

‘ thereby learn how we may serve theoretically. We truly know only him. We want to earn the privilege that which we have experienced. and the joy of being wanted, needed, And this is why we say to the new . and loved by those around us. person, “Don’t take our word for it. We- find that the principles of Instead, try it for yourself. Only honesty, purity (of motivation), un- then can you be sure you have selfishness, and love (without our- latched on to a design for living that selves at the center) do work, when can really work for you.” we apply them to any and all de- My faith in our program conpartments of our living. It often tinues to increase through my pertakes courage to make the experi- sonal experience with it. The last ment of applying these principles in thirteen years have found me still our daily affairs, in our personal striving toward the shining goals relationships, or in our business con- laid out for me long ago. I now live tacts. But by gum these principles in Florida with my husband, and we do work. They work because every- will soon be celebrating, most hapthing we have to do in this world pily, our eighteenth wedding anniinvolves other people, and people versary. He is an alky, too, and our will and do respond to this kind of lives have been enriched by our approach, no matter what the prob- mutual faith and perseverance in the lem at hand. I can make this state- AA way of life. Through it we have ment because I have had, not one, found a quality of happiness and but many experiences with all kinds serenity that, we believe, could not of people in all kinds of situations have been realized in any other way. over the last twenty-nine years. Small wonder our gratitude knows We never really know anything no bounds. S. B. S., Sarasota, Flu.

February 1969

these do not have family and job piness is not a long-range objective responsibilities. Others do, but ob- toward which we strive. As one of viously neglect them. the ancients said, “Happiness is The probability is that both ex- now or never.” This has special tremes are wrong. But, when we application for us. It is a basic consider what would happen to us expression of the “one day at a I’m ~a~~~-$h6 @h Sober if we lost sobriety, an obvious truth emerges: It is most likely better to time” principle which we try to follow. For us, happiness is today, err on the side of too much activ- even as our sobriety is. ity, rather than too little. In no In a recent book of nine short other area is our need for sensible stories by one of the century’s great- This A A looked at the people balance and moderation more vital. est writers, all nine have a central around him who were progressing most This is a life-or-death matter, theme: that people are so preoccuwhether we care to recognize the pied with reveries of the past or in the program. Here’s what he found . . . fact or not, dreams and anticipations of the Happiness is an important in- future that they miss out entirely on gredient of successful sobriety. I happiness, which is in the present. One story tells of a middle-aged man who had a minor triumph as a

H appiness is not teenager. He has been nursing it IN C E my earliest days in this drinking, so isn’t it a prime part of S Fellowship, I have heard about something called happy sobriety. our new life to meet them head-on? As we start out bravely, it is the a long-range ob jective. ever since, until now it has expanded far beyond the facts. In his obsession with his recollec- Apparently, this is a special product easiest and most natural thing in – tion, the present is lost to him. Anof our way of life; if you work the world to get so involved with recall a relative newcomer, who was other story concerns a man entirely things out with the tools our our personal problems that we have sober but having a rugged time of dedicated to something that he is Fellowship provides, the product is little time to engage in Fellowship it, saying that he thought’ he had yours. But some feel it should be activity. First, we gradually adjust the “meat” of our program, and our AA schedale to our conveni-

C theirs as a matter of right, or simply then asking how he might get the loud nine is less for the asking. These poor souls ence. Often, this leads to minimum “potatoes and gravy.” I do not recall familiar territory overlook the vital word in the above regularity: a meeting a week per- the answers he received, but I than depression. statement: work. The AAs who are haps; then a meeting each month; should like to examine here a few supremely happy, I find, are those and, of course, nothing aside from little ideas that I have accumulated who really work the program. In- this waning number of meetings un- about happy sobriety through a going to do. He has dreamed of this deed, they live it – day by day, less we are urgently called upon. long period of years. future development for so long that even minute by minute. Even then it must suit our conveni- First of all, it is not being happy it is virtually an accomplished Most of us have jobs and families. ence. Conversely, many of us go though sober. It is being- happy reality to him. Tomorrow never After all, we tell ourselves, we overboard in a maelstrom of en- because we are sober, with a depth comes for him, because when it ducked these responsibilities while thusiastic AA activity. Some of of gratitude which can be demon- becomes today he is working on the strated only through .what we do next tomorrow. and what we become. Second, hap- Few people live in the present.

Some are inclined to reminisce and indispensable ingredient of real haplive with their memories. Each time piness. the “good old days” are relived, As for those depressions, never the memories become more attrac- have I found a stairway out of my tive and less truthful. This serves personal cellar that works as well only to make such people more as the Twelve Steps of our philosunhappy with the present. Others ophy. When we hit the lowest level, live basically in the future. They we can start out all over again, are venturesome, eager for a chal- taking one Step at a time – preferlenge, and yet the satisfaction of ably with a newcomer if that is today’s accomplishment is lost in possible. The stairway is always contemplation of tomorrow’s new wide enough for two. challenge. If they feel no gratifica- L. H.,Cleveland, Ohio tion over the present, how can they be happy? My sober life has been rocky. High moments and low moments still pervade it. In fact, I would say that Cloud Nine is somewhat less familiar territory to me than is depression. But my high moments are not at dizzy altitudes; my low points are less frequent and less protracted; and I am supremely happy about that small progress. I have learned to recognize the signs, to guard against extremes in both directions. 1 havc learned to make the best of the assortment of troubles and blessings 1 have. An honest inventory shows a sizable net worth in blessings. King George V was not noted for quotable utterances, but he once said that the sccret of happiness lay in loving what you had, rather than always seeking what you loved. I have developed a sense of acceptance of the things I cannot change. It is the only road I have found leading to the serenity that is an “. . . 29 favorite recipes . . .”

February 1969 p

From the February 1969 Grapevine seemed to be settling down to AA cardboard box of goodies, and upon II

old age. To be candid about it, I my lap is a freshly frosted layer cake. think I was getting a slight case of Both of us have gotten into secretarglue-dry, which is the occupational ial and KP work. disease o f both antique furniture I not only go to more meetings, I and the AA old-timer who’s coast- really get into them. The “new” AA ing. -a new approach, less formality, I was embarrassed by compli- less “God business” for many new ments from young people. Things people-is something to get used to. like “You are such an example to In trying to swing with it, I some- Generation Gap others!” made me feel like a mini- times get thrown. “Please, everymonument to sobriety-something body!” I shouted at a very small Revisited slightly above it all, and not at all meeting. “Please stop talking all at with it. But believe me, if several once. Grandma can’t hear.” meetings went by and nobody re- There was dead silence and then marked upon my physiological and/ solicitude. “We’ll move our chairs Looking back over a quarter century of AA, or AA age, I would work it into a up closer to you,” they said. this member finds it changing and changeless.. talk as fast as you can say Bill W., I also went through a self-conwith remarks like “There was only scious stage where I was trying not to and has an Rx for indolent old-timers one open meeting in all New York! lay down the law, and yet knew that Think of it!” I was. “And were you stuffy for a There I was, above it and out of it, while back there!” says a beautiful, going to meetings to speak more blue-eyed blonde. L ISTEN, my children, I’ve been on this program for a quarter of a century, and when 1 joined I felt old, cold, just about breaking even, all the time I’ve been in. What’s different is my own attitude. I have felt up than to listen, when what should But lately, I find myself relaxing come into my life but an infant into this new world. I don’t have to pigeon, a man two years younger call every single meeting to order, used up, consumed, and done for, as and down, young and old, according to my own inner state of being. I than 1 was when I joined! He says he nor sum up everything that’s said. old as Grandma Moses’ grandmoth- likes me as a sponsor because I clear- At least, I hope not! er. I had wasted my youth in know now that in my attitude, not in the state of the world, lies the kernel, ly don’t have any of the answers and The other day, a good friend callneuroses and alcoholic psychoses. I my confusion at this late date is most ed me from New York, an AA concould hardly see the use of sobering the heart of the matter. That is the essence of what I have learned encouraging to him. temporary of mine. Sadly, she told up at the advanced age of thirty- I now go to a lot of meetings quite me that another mutual friend, so eight. My sponsor and her helpers, through all of you. It’s what keeps regularly, something I haven’t done lovable, so unable to stay sober, had who were all more or less my age, me sober. And I am sober, thank in years. He often takes me in a long, finally died on a drunk after all these assured me that if I’d try it a day at a God. silver gray, streamlined, many- years. time, there might be something left 1 want to talk about the last two years since I’ve moved up here to gadgeted sports car. And we go levi- My pigeon came over shortly after to dredge up out of my pool of tears. tating through the night, along dark, this, and 1 told him about it. “But at Sure enough, in the last twenty- Connecticut. Life on the whole has been extremely pleasant, not to say winding country roads, with the top her age,” he said, “how could you five years we’ve all been right! Life down and with ourselves strapped in tell that it wasn’t from natural has been perfectly wonderful and meaningful. But at the meetings around this neck of the woods, I like a couple of World War I stunt causes? ” perfectly terrible, blowing hot and pilots. Between my feet is a large At a meeting in New York, I heard

a girl of twenty-two describe a year’s sobered up. I have to say “Hurray!” sobriety in AA. Her talk had both in- to my pigeon, who was in grade telligence and heart. 1 thought, “In school at the time. To everybody in one short year, she has learned more AA everywhere, young, old, new, than 1 ever will.” And 1 started to not so new, I say “Cheers!” as I give way to the old self-pity. That raise my coffee cup skyward. All of sense of being really old, used up, a us belong to this wonderful Fellowmisfired rocket-all those things I ship, and it has to change, and it has thought at the beginning-came to grow, because that is the nature of back to me, and I got depressed all a li fe-giver. over a s i n . Once, my sponsor was asked to But after what might indeed be describe AA in one word. She said, called mature reflection, I have to “Love.” That was a quarter of a say “Bravo!” to this kid, who century ago. I think that’s as true of wasn’t even born when 1 first the “new” AA as it was of the old.

April 1969

i.

LA . Big Book Stories – Updated

B.G. still looks upon the benefits of sobriety with the fresh approach The meetings are truly the meat not pray; help me, keep me, Lord, of a newcomer. It works! on which the creature feeds, the just for today. creature being me and all of the The first anniversary–.oh, what other so-called old fellows of the memories! They forgot the cake! My movement. We still find nourish- child bride said to me, “Don’t worry A LITT LE bit at a time, that’s the way we take the program. We (my wife and I) have made AA ment in making new friends and about little things like that. Be meeting old ones; in seeing people grateful for your sobriety.” whose names we have forgotten but “Little things!” I howled. “My part of our life-not all of it, you whom we somehow know; in the first anniversary and no cake!” understand-part of it. We have wondrous world of the newcomer Yes, it seems to me that the first found that living is giving, giving is and the knowledge that we can be a, formative years in AA-rdeveloping loving, and loving is God. Seems we part of his recovery through the an awareness of God, beginning to are never too busy to stop and say grace of our blessed Lord and just believe and have faith once again in hello. I am afraid that I make a the fact that we took the time to join, the power of prayer-were t ~ l y the lousy elder statesman. the meeting on any given night. glory years of our young AA life, Fellow said to me last night, “Bill, At the start, we knew the feel- when everyone, so it seems to me, The author’s why do you continue to speak and ing of belonging: associating with was running, running all the time. A go to meetings after all these years? people who care just because you’re house full of drunks, in and out, all story appears on Surely your sobriety is never in you and have the same problem the time. We spent our days trying jeopardy, and you must certainly get they have. We realized that we were to sober up the whole world. tired of hearing your same old story Meeting Bill and Lois for the first page 499 of over and over again.” I said that a not Things from outer space, idiots, or anything else apart from the rest time was a thrill, and then came the bricklayer must continue to lay of the world; we had an illness and greatest thrill of my entire lifetinie: Alcoholics brick if he wants to maintain his now we had someone other than our a letter from Bill asking if they skills and an alcoholic must con- immediate families to share needs might use my story in the new edi- Anonymous tinue to speak and take part in the and recovery with. There was a tion of the Big Book. I felt so good meetings if he too wants to keep his solution to our problem if we cared I cried, and the sight of this Irishpublished in 1955 memory green and remember the to apply ourselves. (And apply man crying-well, it is a memory humble earth from whence he yourself you must, with all the and surely a happening. sprang. It is very easy to forget the honesty and sincerity in your shiver- After a few years the running trials and tribulations after a few ing, quivering carcass.) stopped, and we began to enjoy the years of good living the AA way. For the needs of tomorrow I need world around us, perhaps for the

first time in many years: the sights, who inhabit it; the living that AA smells, and sounds that booze had has made possible; the hundreds of closed off completely many years Christmas cards from folks we have before. met through the years and some- A modest success permitted us to times from folks whom we don’t indulge our loved ones and to travel know, but who just want to say the length and breadth of this old hello. These are some other diviglobe telling of the wondrous things dends of the AA way of living: the that God and AA wrought, meeting growing up of our families around the same people with the same sick- us; the delight we take in doing ness regardless of color or creed, things for our grandchildren-things and learning the story of AA over denied our children because of our and over again. drinking. If all I had gained were sobriety, Does AA work? I’ll say it does! I would be a poor man indeed. The My child bride and I will be eterlength is unimportant; the quality, nally grateful to you boys and girls , most important. for the best third of a lifetime one I could go on forever about the Irishman ever had. wonderful world of AA: the people B. G.,Nutley, N.J.

April 1969

4,

The Name-Droppers After twenty years, h e recalls ‘a condition of panic’ a n d h o w AA f o u n d a roundabout way t o deliver the message

N E W EEK from today, I will that it would be my last. I have night, and gave me the time and 0 have been sober twenty years, never had cause to doubt that fact. without a drink or a pill. Certainly, The next day, by a series of cirplace. He told me he would not call for me unless I felt afraid to ing, and instead of being astounded, they said, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Wait till you hear Joe Bloke’s this qualifies me for old-timer cumstances also too lengthy to go drive. Then he said something I story.” When I did hear Joe Bloke’s status; certainly, it is a plateau that into for this purpose, I contacted a will always remember. It was: “If story, I began to doubt my own justifies some looking backward on society called Alcoholics Anony- you want it bad enough, you’ll come eligibility. But Joe was seemingly what lies in the past and some look- mous. I had never heard of it, so I get it. If you don’t want it bad doing all right now. And hope was ing forward to the all too brief certainly didn’t go seeking it. enough, it’s no use coming.” I’m born. future. That night, the Society sent a still coming. Six months passed. The Twelve A recital of the events leading up man to see me. I was physically I’ve since used the same tactic Steps were a pretty-sounding bunch to December 13, 1948, might be sober, but still in a condition of on others, and it didn’t work. But of generalities; the Serenity Prayer useful, but would be entirely too panic. I knew from the very first for me it was just right, letting me was being used by some of the memlengthy for use in the Grapevine. that my visitor was a man who knew know that it was my responsibility, bers; some old-timers were occa- They were simply one calamitous who he was, where he was, and that I had created my own dilemma, sionally forgetting themselves and crisis after another, and that day where he was headed-the best- and that I alone could remedy it. letting drop the word “God.’: I must was the end of the road. organized man I had ever met up The AAs would help, counsel, and have been getting some measure of On that morning, I prayed to to that date. He talked little, but he encourage, but I had to do the leg- tolerance, because this didn’t upset God, who was a total stranger to prodded me into talking much, and work. me as it had at first. me, to find me a drink. I did not I was exhilarated by unburdening So I joined AA. What a relief I got several new men, and one think there was one in the house, and myself to another human being, who to belong to something, to cease be- or two seemingly were doing pretty I was too sick to go out to get one. neither scorned nor belittled me. Oh, ing a loner! I was accepted. well. I began being asked to speak, I told God I couldn’t even quit the infinite understanding of this After some weeks, I found I and my talks were well received. drinking unless I first had a drink. man! He said not a word I could could talk with ease to these new- Soon, I was speaking not only en- God knew my desperate need and take exception to. (I took exception found friends. I could talk about thusiastically, but with self-assurthe simple truth of my statement. easily in those days.) my shameless forty years of drink- ance. I could do something; I was He found me a drink, and I drank This was a Tuesday. He told me it–completely aware of the fact there was a meeting on Thursday

a contributing member. I had witnessed the work of His through which He flows and, like cannot serve Him. But I can bear A year later, I was thinking of my hands. I had seen His compassion the rivers of the world, enriches the His precious gifts of love to needy first anniversary and getting all set in the eyes of my fellow AAs. I had surroundings through which He humanity. To be His emissary of for this gala occasion, when a felt His warmth in their handclasps, passes. love and goodwill is to outrank thought came into my mind, from His love in their arms about my Finally, there was born in me the princes and potentates; where I do not know. It was: “Why shoulders, His wisdom in the coun- conviction that I need never know After twenty years of sobriety, should you make a personal carnival sel of both the educated and the God, that finite mind cannot pos- this is God as I understand Him, of something that only God could unschooled, His power in the re- sibly comprehend the infinite. But and this is His will for me. have accomplished?” I called off shaping of hopeless derelicts all I do know His principal attributes: In my sixty-year travelogue, I the party. about me. God is good, God is love. Therefore, have spent forty years stumbling AAs had found my front door Immediately facing me was the God’s will for me must be that I down to hell and twenty years plod- ‘ barred to God, and so they had problem “How can I more profit- exemplify all the love and good that ding back to a status that is heavenly sneaked Him in the back way. I ably utilize this God principle in my in me lies. Though I still will not in comparison. thought of my contemplated anni- life?” For years I tried hard, with know God even then, I have a I, who have deserved so little, versary speakers. Without a single indifferent success. One night a sneaking idea that God will know have received so much-sent to me exception, they were the name- speaker said, “I can’t get the God me. I cannot capture God, but I by the grace of God through His droppers and the name was God. anglew-and I realized the cause of can voluntarily become his captive. channel of love called Alcoholics Why had I selected them? Suddenly, my failure. As the speaker had been God has no needs, therefore I Anonymous. I realized that these were the people unable to “get the God angle,” so T . W . (Robbie), Alexandria, Va. who were filling the great void in had I failed to “get God.” Then I., my life. They were the ones who realized that God can’t be gotten. were channeling into my life what He is a moving spirit, and He moves I had emptied thousands of bottles through people. He can’t be conlooking for. God was no longer a fined within my little life. I can’t theory. He was an established fact. get God, but I can become a channel

April 1969

exactly as it was done however in bleeding deaconry that they could many years ago this particular whomp up a real fighting intolerance bleeding deacon came into AA. for such foolish shibboleths as the Through A A For an AA member, in whom so Steps, the Traditions, the Third many wonderful changes are being Legacy (that one is easy), the Big with spyglass and wrought by the program all the Book, and other overorganized time, the ability to resist changes for products of a reckless generation of scalpel. Being an others is a remarkable feat. It re- AA members. examination o f quires great stubbornness and grim I recall a question-and-answer determination to ignore progress. meeting a year or so ago. One parthat strange In the society of bleeding deacons ticular member, himself sometimes there is one characteristic prized termed a bleeding deacon, asked the member: above all others: intolerance. With- leader what could be done with out this character trait, no self-re- bleeding deacons. As the leader specting bleeding deacon can do any paused, seeking gentle words with kind of job ramrodding a , group which to answer a pointed and un- The Bleeding Deacon and all its individual members. timely question, a voice from the For such is his self-imposed respon- farthest depths of the hall answered sibility. When each one of us has loud and clear: “Stand him in a received so much tolerance from our corner and let him bleed to death.” group and our sponsors, it is diffi- God bless our bleeding deacons. cult in the extreme to reject it. But They have done more for us-in

0 N E OF the most remarkable creatures to be noticed by the casual observer at an AA group is enough to disagree-but to have reasons, that’s another matter! I think it must take years of practice the dedication of the average bleed- reversethan we can estimate. ing deacon to his task is so great When we can love them and tolerate that even this almost insurmount- them and listen to them and not the member who has qualified as a in disagreeing to do the mental acro- able barrier can be overcome, and reject them, then we are making a bleeding deacon. This member is in- batics needed to disagree with both he can find it in himself to be utterly little progress along the road of love deed something wonderful to be- sides of a question and cite reasons. intolerant of new ideas, new mem- and service that leads to serenity. hold. The average bleeding deacon is bers, new groups-or old ideas, old Is there an empty comer in your The bleeding deacon reaches his no Johnny-come-lately. He de- members, old groups. I have en- group where I can bleed quietly? elevated status in life by becoming scribes himself as an old-timer or an countered people so well-developed From The Roundabout, Scotland an expert, on anything you’d care elder member, and in order to keep to name, but generally on how other brash young members in line, he people should live the AA program refers freely to the old days. By this and how other people should “run” artful device, the bleeding deacon the group. It takes a nimble and hopes to keep the group on the flexible mind to become a bleeding edges of their seats and to dispel any deacon. One must be able to dis- foolish notions anyone else has agree with anything that is said or about all members being equal in suggested by others, immediately, AA. This attitude implies that nothand with reasons. This is not easy, ing must ever change in AA and we believe me. I’ve tried it. It’s easy should continue to do everything

May 1969

and then serve as “toastmaster.” AA meeting-you’re not a member, “Psychiatry (or medicine, or re- because you’re taking pills.” I overligion) is no good.” Of course, the heard this being said to a young speaker probably doesn’t really girl who had very recently become It Ain’t mean that; what he most likely a member, and it upset her so that means is: “Before I found AA, she immediately left the meeting Necessarily psychiatry couldn’t help me, because and drank again. I already was a I wouldn’t tell the truth.” But s u p friend of hers-and I knew that she pose a nonalcoholic psychiatrist (or suffered from an unrelated illness So,,, other doctor, or clergyman) is a that necessitated medication for her visitor at the meeting, for the very to go on living! Besides, isn’t there first time, perhaps. What is he going something in our program about A long-time to think of such a remark? The Live and Let Live? T HAS been said that humility is chances are, he will take it literally. “All other alcoholism agencies I the ability to accept criticism from those who are qualified to offer member speaks up about certain This is an example of something I’ve believed for a long time: I should be operate in competition with or in opposition to AA.” I think that’s a it, plus the ability to disregard such I careful of what I say, and very care- ridiculous thing to say. Hasn’t our observations when made by un- generalizations ful how I say it. (Incidentally, I co-founder, Bill, often urged us to qualified persons. Now I don’t know know a number of members who “be friendly with our friends”? just where I stand in this respect; she hears at have been helped by psychiatrists- “If your way of staying sober is I can only say that I’ve been an AA after finding sobriety in AA.) different from mine, I don’t want to member in continuous good stand- meetings “Doctors shouldn’t give pills or hear about it. My way works for me. ing for, well, nearer twenty years . prescriptions for pills to alcoholics.” I’d just get confused if you told me than fifteen; and I have in mind a Now I’m as aware as any other about your way.” Well, AA may be few suggestions that might prove alcoholic.” Is it? If it is, I don’t member that some alcoholics do “a selfish program,” but surely not helpful to someone or other. quite see why. Seems to me that abuse medication-but so do a that selfish! I love to listen to every- I’m thinking of certain things we everyone present knows I’m an al- certain number of nonalcoholics. one’s way of maintaining sobriety, occasionally hear at meetings up coholic when I’m privileged to chair Maybe they feel that if a teaspoon- for two reasons: Chances are lots here in New England-statements a meeting; otherwise, the group ful every four hours will make them better than even that I’ll hear somewhich I’m sure speakers make in all secretary or program chairman better, then a tablespoonful every thing I never thought of that will . sincerity and honesty, but-which, I would have been out of his mind in hour will make them well that much help me; and I never should forget feel, may be misunderstood and asking me to sit up front. My ob- more quickly. I wouldn’t know. But that talking about herself helps the therefore may harm the over-all im- jection to this opening remark is if we’ll only stop and think a mo- other AA member. age of our beloved Fellowship. Let that a chairman may be, let’s say, ment-beyond urging a woman or a Any member may speak as she or me add this: I don’t mean to be carried away by the sound of her man to join AA, what can a doctor he pleases. If it helps a girl to be- , destructive in criticizing these re- own voice and go on and on and tell do for a sick alcoholic? A nonalco- lieve that the moon is made of green marks, so I hope to add a construc- her entire story. I don’t think that’s holic doctor, a good friend of mine, cheese, let her go ahead and say so. tive suggestion after mentioning a chairman’s job. Let her speakers once asked me, “What do you peo- But let’s try to avoid handing out each statement that worries me. do that. Her function, I believe, is ple want me to prescribe for my our own unsupported generaliza- “It’s customary for the chairman to speak briefly about the program patients? Shoe polish?” tions as if they were gospel. to identify herself (or himself) as an -what AA is and what it isn’t- “You have no right to be at an I. F., Cape Cod, Mass.

August 1969

Is AA Enough- and continuing to participate in the only after I myself had spent a long external life of AA, increasingly time at that bewildering experience manifest evidence of a return to of sheer endurance, in a dark world for Everybody? inner frustration, with more and shut off from God. I had used and more signs that the old, treasured reused every AA tool to the best of serenity is no longer ptesent. There my ability, and yet remained unable was a time when I believed that to dispel the darkness or ease the regressions were fully explained by anguish. I felt spiritually dead, debeginning of AA, when such statements as “He’s in the tached from the real meaning of I N THE nothing else needed to be known about alcoholics except how they driver’s seat again” or “Her pride’s life, and hypocritical for continuing showing” or “The so-and-so quit my AA activities. Therefore, I can This member might achieve the kind of sobriety going to meetings.” I now know understand the inner struggle others that would make long-term absti- that such appraisals didn’t even must have waged or may be waging was unable to nence possible, information about take into consideration all the sur- at this very moment. alcoholics who had been continu- face evidence, much less come close I had one advantage, though: I dispel the darkness ously dry for several years was not to the real root of the problem. never got back to the point of wantonly lacking but immaterial. These were not addled beginners, in? a drink, nor even of thinking a or ease the anguish Now, however, such knowledge is ignorant of the true nature of alco- drink might ease the tension; since available, and there is evidence of holism. These were men and women my earlier efforts had embraced all even after a real need that it be appraised. who, over varying numbers of years, the Steps instead of just a few, the While the years have increased the had known and appreciated the knowledge gained kept me calling quality of personal sobriety for the magnificent rewards of living the to my Higher Power for help, and years of majority of AA members, the record AA way of life-alcoholics who had this, in turn, enabled God to keep also reveals that certain regrettable grasped enough of the program to me dry and to lead me to the right A A sobriety reversions can and do take place have been able to place a supremely questions and the answers to them. even in some of our old-timers. high, positive value on their sobriety Thus, I finally came out again into There’s a common tendency to feel -people who had shown proof that the wondrous and blessed sunlight that those who regress have only the maintenance of their sobriety of the spirit. themselves to blame; but a more was just as precious to them as mine More than that, I now can define realistic evaluation might show there is to me. Therefore, I must assume the basic cause of this ordeal, and are many alcoholics who need addi- they hadn’t willingly and carelessly can share the knowledge with those tional guidelines for their later years let these severe and sometimes fatal who may be entangled in a similar in AA. regressions occur. Obviously, deeper dilemma. To put it simply, I was The truth is that some older answers to the problem would have suffering from a deep neurosis, from members do drift away from AA to be found, so deeper questions which I could never have recovered and, sooner or later, relapse into would first have to be asked. without professional help. In my drinking. Others, while staying dry I started asking these questions earlier time in AA, I had been as

ignorant of the true nature of neuroses as I once had been cf the 7 finally came out again into the wondrous sunlight of the spirit.” true nature of alcoholism. Oh, I had a smattering of ideas, enouyh moved through psychotherapy. We AA teachings-on the contrary, it Thus, I am convinced AA’s help to agree with the often-heard state- in AA simply do not have the enabled me to gain deeper insights to alcoholics could become more ment that all alcoholics are neurotic. necessary training and know-how to into and make fuller use of the AA effective through a broadened un- But in my superficial understanding do this particular life-or-death job! program. Too, a greater knowledge derstanding of neuroses, their sympof the term, I practically equated the Even so, there is much we can of neuroses has led me to take a toms, and their dangers, so that two conditions and erroneously as- do to help such alcoholics under- closer look at my long-held con- those who need supplemental help sumed that the tools given to me by stand their predicament. For in- viction that skimping or skipping can be guided toward it while there AA for my alcoholism would also stance, had some knowledge been Steps Four through Nine, particu- is still time and they still have contake care of whatever degree of available in AA by which I or my larly Four and Five, creates a grave fidence in us. To accomplish this neurosis I might have. I had to sponsor could have measured my threat to sobriety. While I no longer end, we need only turn to medical learn the difference the hard way, true condition and thereby earlier feel that this omission fully explains science once again and, as in the then accept the fact that, because determined my need for professional such relapses, I still see a noticeable beginning of AA, borrow what we of the severity of my own neurotic help, the acute phases of my own connection between a failure to take need to know and then adapt the condition, I needed two recovery regression might have been avoided. these Steps and a drift back to the information to our use-with the methods for two illnesses: AA for Unfortunately, not realizing that bottle after a year or more of full understanding, o f course, that my alcoholism, psychotherapy for psychiatry and clinical psychology sobriety. the actual treatment o f a neurosis my neurosis. have been advancing in knowledge Why do some alcoholics try to belongs in the hands o f that same Long before our alcoholism be- as AA has progressed, some AA settle for less than the best, when medical science. gan, some of us were extremely sick members still look upon these pro- the Big Book affirms that “Half- This could be done in many ways. people, with emotional knots so fessions with disfavor. True, those measures availed us nothing”? The most direct could be mutually deeply buried that only a qualified psychotherapists who still believe Could severe neuroses have thrown beneficial: If a number of older and skilled psychotherapist could alcoholism to be only a symptom up their particular brand of ob- members met occasionally or reguever show us how to get them un- of an underlying sickness cannot stacle almost immediately upon larly with a psychotherapist for the covered and untied. The severe successfully treat a practicing alco- entrance into AA? Might not an purpose of learning how to recogneurotic condition can never be holic. Today, however, it is also avoidance of the housecleaning nize the symptoms of severe neureached through the use of the AA true that many psychotherapists Steps be an early sign of the kind roses, they would, in the process, program alone-not because there fully accept alcoholism as a disease of deep emotional trouble for which impart considerable knowledge of is anything lacking in the AA pro- per se, and these are proving to be professional treatment might be AA to the professional person. At gram, but because the very nature quite helpful, especially in breaking indicated? If so, shouldn’t our spon- least, we couldn’t lose anything by . of a severe neurosis contains its own down the extraordinary resistances sorship of such people include a such an effort–except, perhaps, peculiar obstacles to grace, obstacles to AA which often are an added practical knowledge of what is in- some outdated pride. which defy detection by anyone problem in the present-day crop of volved? Anonymous, Oklahoma other than a well-trained psycho- alcoholics. therapist. If the AA program is While their methods differ in ever to have a chance to penetrate some ways from our AA houseand take part in the healing of such cleaning Steps, I know from experia condition, these complicated ence that their treatment need not blocks must be uncovered and re- conflict in any way with any of the

November 1969

The Joy That Walks Ten Feet Tall

during those years. I lived in a gray found hope and, as the program un-

This F IRST let me say, I am grateful that I am an alcoholic, and wouldn’t have it any other way. I world which was becoming increas- folded, the realization that I could ingly wearier and drearier. John lead a decent, normal life which had a pretty dreadful experience Barleycorn, tyrannical, destructive, was all any of us wanted, anyway. longtime member with alcohol, but the suffering was corrosive, was master and yet, in So started the remedial years, still richly rewarded, for it brought me my opinion, he became my bene- continuing. So much to be done! looks back on . to God and AA. factor, for it was he who released Operations Mop-up and Reevalua- And what have God and AA me from his bondage with his final tion got under way. There were so her last battle blow. My last encounter with Mr. many new discoveries especially brought me? Neither space nor with the bottle. ability permits me to express what Barleycorn taught me a lifesaving the discovery of self and the redisis really in my heart, but 1’11 try. lesson, which has become even covery of God. How we alcoholics She lost the fight I had my last drink in November more vivid over the years: It is hunger and search for Him, know- 1946, after nineteen years of uncon- easier to stay sober than to get ing in our hearts we’d not be searchbut won a sober! In 1946, I was impoverished ing if we had not already found Him trolled, sick, ugly drinking. I had victory started when I was sixteen and was in all areas of my life, thoroughly – if we did not deeply believe. One defeated by it practically from the defeated; more than anything on 24 hours after another multiplied beginning. It progressed rapidly, earth, I wanted a way out. Never into months and years. The healing and the humiliation, the misery, the can I cease to thank God that He power of this miracle that is AA cringing fear and the bewilderment, directed me to the haven of AA. was working. The time cam; when the self-loathing, the failure, the The old ramshackle clubhouse on I was able to forgive myself; after why-why-why, the wistful yearnings West 41st Street was like hallowed that, guilt, shame, envy, and even and the “if onlvs” were with me all ground to me, for it was there I the sense of inferiority-all the ‘

enemies of the spirit – seemed to the light shine in. dissolve or at least become mini- Should all this sound .euphoric, mized. There were also deep satis- be not deceived! Sound values and factions when obstacles once so emotional growth are not acquired unyielding were overcome. And in three easy lessons. Keeping the there was joy: the joy that is ours cork in the bottle does not insure when we can walk ten feet tall in absence of all problems. The road our restored self-respect; the joy back can be long and devious. Many when we learn that we are able to character defects die hard, and dislove others, for at long last we love appointments are many in our strugourselves; when we value our own gle to face our real selves. “Wait, opinion of ourselves more than the wait,” we are told, and we accept opinion of others; when we can be- the necessity of patience and perselieve in our own thought and be verance, for we know they nurture able to defend it uncompromisingly self-discipline, indispensable to the if we feel we are right. alcoholic. Let’s face it, self-develop- Yes, I felt that I had come out ment is a lifelong assignment; but, of darkness into sunlight. Man can though the planting be backbreaksplit the atom, but only God and ing, how rich the harvest! AA can split the human heart to let C . I . R., Manhattan, N.Y.

December 1969

so often, I began to think I was apply themselves make the grade, weak-minded. But hope started to and the goof-offs don’t. Anyhow, An old-timer looks back and decides glimmer again. My sponsor intro- that’s what I think. (Of course, I duced me to members who had been realize that, as the Big Book says, that time does matter in AA – if that time sober from two days to two months. “There are those who are constitu- I had been a daily drinker, so two tionally incapable . . .”) is used well – because months of sobriety seemed like the As I look back, I realize how forother end of eternity. Still, it did tunate I have been in AA. For innot seem impossible: Thei he in- stance, I’ve never had a doubt about Practice Makes Progress troduced me to another member, being an alky – the reservation that along with the information that he has caused so much trouble for so had been sober for two years. That many. I knew I was a drunk before sank in slowly. As comprehension I ever heard of AA. dawned, so did skepticism and then Nor have I ever had any doubts outright disbelief. Nobody could about the truth and efficacy of AA, . 0 N A SATURDAY night in January 1943, I was drunk as a hoot owl, as usual. The next evening, my power, and had always failed to do, happened without any willpower at all. stay sober for two years! My own the Twelve Steps, the Big Book, record was about one week. and the AA philosophy in general. sponsor took me to my first AA For the next dozen years, I was But time flew along, what with I have always believed in them abmeeting, on 24th Street in New very active in AA in every way I meetings and lunches and Twelfth solutely, and do today. I know that I York City. I remember little of it – could think of, and that included Step calls, hospital visits and new all I have to do is put into practice I my mind was foggy, my eyes swol- trying to learn and practice the AA members. Weeks turned into months what I have learned. How well I len nearly closed – but I do re- philosophy. The results were not at and years; but, remembering my have done so is another matter. member some people getting up and all unusual. I changed slowly from own skepticism, I tried never to Once, after working very hard at telling about their drinking out loud, atheist to deep believer. I was in mention the length of my sobriety AA for a couple of years when I in front of all those other people! the wrong business for me – one I to newcomers. Even when asked di- was new, I decided to take a vaca- I had known that I had the problem disliked, drunk or sober – but I rectly, I tried to duck with some- tion from business, AA, and everyfor a long time, although I didn’t made the best adjustment I could, thing like “Long enough to be sober thing else. We went away, and I had knc.w the word “alcoholic.” But and it prospered modestly. We paid and happy” or “Time doesn’t mat- no contact with AA for three weeks. admit it to another person? I’d die off our sizable debts, bought and ter.” At the end of that time, I felt the first, I thought, even though I had paid for our home, started to save But, in a sense, time does matter lack – not seriously or dangerbeen drunk almost every day for some money, and put four kids in AA. That is, it matters how time’ ously, but I knew my thinking had years, and for years had been trying through college. is used. As long as time is used for deteriorated. Resentments were every day to quit, and felt desperate Now, twenty-six years after that “practicing these principles sin all nearer the surface; I felt like having and hopeless inside. But I knew they first meeting, our kids have grown, our affairs,” we can be sober and my own way; I made excuses’for were talking sense, and I knew I felt we have eight grandchildren, and happy, whether we have been in AA myself; nervousness increased; it at home for perhaps the first time in we have retired. So today I am twenty-six days or twenty-six years. was harder to concentrate or medimy life while sober. pausing to look back – something AA is a school where we learn how tate. We had a good vacation, and A miracle happened to me that I seldom do, since AA taught me to think and live, where we can turn I doubt that my mental setback night. Although I didn’t know it not to. ourselves into people who don’t showed; but I knew about it and then, I had had my last drink. What My first few weeks in AA were have to drink. As in any other could hardly wait to get to a meeting I had tried to do for so long on will- all confusion. I changed my mind school, those who try hard and when we returned home.

When our little daughter started day is a tough job. I’ve been trying taking piano lessons, every day she to do it for a quarter of a century would practice scales and exercises. now, and I can’t tell you how many Neither she nor we were ever con- times I’ve tried and failed – or forscious that she was making any pro- got to try and therefore failedgress from one day to the next. It and tried again and remembered always sounded just as it had the more often and succeeded a little day before. But progress was taking better. Every time I succeeded in place, even though we were not being a little less self-centered, in aware of it. Ten years later, she reducing resentments, in not feeling could sit at the keyboard and play sorry for myself, every time I asked any piece of music you put in front for guidance and put my will and of her. my life in God’s hands, my stock I doubt that anyone is aware of went up a little. And when I didn’t, day-to-day progress in AA, but it went down. But the end is an inpractice brings it about just the finity away. Once upon a time, in same. Practice. That’s the’ word, and my drinking days, I knew that I was that’s what I believe in. It makes just about perfect in every way. seemingly impossible things come Now I can see that a lifetime of true. The more you practice any- effort will be only a beginningthing, the better your performance; but such a happy one! but keeping up the practice every R. A. S., Tucson, Ariz.

January 1970

Attention, BBB AAs! From Ogden, Utah: I have some questions that some of the old-timers can answer, and I believe the answers would prove interesting to many of us. Before the Big Book was published, how were meetings conducted? What subjects and what books were discussed? . L

How often were deetings held? Was incorporating the importance of meetings’ into the Twelve’ Steps (other than the suggestion implied in the Twelfth Step) ever considered? I hope that the Grapevine will invite response to these questions and that the Before Big Book AAs will reply. D. P.

February 1970

He found his place in A A and served faithfully and served so well. The eyes were in his own way still big, still gay, still gallant. In wonder, I asked him, “Charlie. . .

Count-the-House Charlie I I how long have you been on the program?” Excitedlv and with iustifiable pride, he ihowed me the graphic answer on the table at his bedside, a handsomely crafted plaque only recently given him by one of those In this congress of kooks, Count- groups he served so unselfishly: H IS N A ME makes him sound like a character Damon Runyon might have created, one of the Guys the-House Charlie had found his niche as self-appointed head usher. We all loved the numbers game as Charlie played it. When I went back to Plummer AWARDED TO COUNT-THE-HOUSE CHARLIE and Dolls gallery. Everyone loved him. We might not Park to celebrate my twelfth AA for 20 years of faithful steady He was a fixture of the Plummer have understood him, but we cer- birthday, I didn’t see my charming service to Park meeting, a Sunday-night get- tainly realized that he was doing his friend as I surveyed the crowd, and ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS together where the motion-picture thing. He wore dazzling checkered I decided I’d inquire when the meet- 1948v1968 folk used to assemble. The first Sun- vests, and it was not long before I ing was over. In the confusion, I Three days later he was dead, day night I got there, back in 1955, learned how he had come by his forgot, drove thirty-five miles back at the age of eighty-one. Almost a I arrived late and was fascinated by Runyonesque moniker. home, and didn’t get the information hundred of us gathered to do him the opening speaker, who was al- If you happened to be the speaker until Thursday morning. honor at Forest Lawn. When I ready airborne. Trying to find a of the evening, there would inevi- I was sitting at my desk when looked at the quiet, calm face in seat unobtrusively, I listened as he tably come a time when Count-the- the phone rang and a voice said, the casket, I thought to myself, . soared to dizzy heights of eloquence, House Charlie would sidle up to “Walter, this is Ray.” “This guy was a saint.” leaving vapor trails of beauty and you officiously and whisper, “Two “What goes, Ray?” I asked him. Not until he was sixty-one years spiritual splendor behind him in his hundred and fifty-two.” Then he’d “Did you know that your friend old did he understand clearly what humility. Suddenly, he pounded the smile and walk away. Count-the-House Charlie has been God wanted him to do – but from lectern and shouted, “Now this is On a week-night, you might be at- sick a few months? He wants to that day twenty years before until an honest program, so I might as tending a less prestigious gathering, see you.” the end, these words accurately dewell come clean. Yes, I did join the and our walking computer would Within minutes, I was racing over scribed his life: “What a man program four years ago, but six steal up and murmur, “Thirty-two.” the freeways to the Motion Picture should say, he said! What a months later I had a slip. I was sub- Maybe a week later, you would be Home in San Fernando Valley to man should do, he did! What a man jected to a severe emotional shock. at a somewhat larger group, and visit the ailing Charlie. should be, he was!” The woman I was living with went Charlie’s voice would be more ju- I looked down on the bed to see Not once did I ever hear Charlie back to her husband.” bilant as he made his earth-shaking a terminal case of cancer, a victim make a talk, but he will continue to ‘ I knew these were my people. I announcement sotto voce: “One hun- who, in a day or two, would be educate me as long as I live. knew I belonged. dred and forty-seven!” facing the God he loved so much W . OK., Palos Verdes, Calif.

M a y .1970

Cold shoulder for newcomers? From McKeesport, Pa.: Have AA members forgotten what it was like to first walk through the door of an AA meeting? What is the matter with the older AA members? They do not go out of their way to make newly sober, lonely, and frightened people feel comfortable, nor do they spend time talking to newcomers so that they will come back. 1 have observed meetings where the older members sit among them-

selves. They say, “Stick with the winners!” How can you stick with the winners if they do not bother with you? This is not just my opinion; I have spoken with quite a few local people who also feel this way and with a few visiting AA members from out-of-state. I know this is a touchy subject and every group will say, “This is not true of our group.” But if they take honest inventory of their group, they will see this is true. ANONYMOUS

September 1970

Newcomers are welcome! From McKeesport, Pa.: I am an old-time member of AA and am perturbed about the letter from Anonymous of, McKeesport,, ‘ Pa., in the May. Grapevine. I have been to every group in and around the Pittsburgh .and McKeesport area, and know positively that every newcomer that walks in the door to the meeting is made welcome. After all, is it not the newcomer that keeps us old-timers 1

sober? There may be a few selfish people in the AA program who do not wish to help anyone but themselves, but these are a minority. Most of us know that if we do not welcome and: help the newcomer, we would not be practicing the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, which are ‘ the:<. foundation of our AA program and:, make it work. I know that every old- ‘ time AA member feels the same way I do. S. K. .$

December 1970

for AA. I wonder about this. . . . me that I am not working the Steps ‘ I remember you told me that we properly, that I am not practicing I’m Worried About You, AAs should be the most tolerant these principles in all my affairs.

Old-Timer … people in the world, and that we would be pretty sorry people if we didn’t give the other fellow the right to be different from us, even if we A healthy-minded person needs more than one concern in his life. We need friends in and out of AA; we need our family, our work, and and about some o f the things you told me thought he might be wrong. Did you many other interests. As my drinkchange your mind about this? Is it ing progressed, my world grew a few years ago all right to give ’em hell if they smaller and smaller; drink was robdon’t conform to “our” way? bing me of everything I held dear. I remember you told me that Friends and family left one by one, each person had to work this pro- and the world grew smaller, until I children, friends, job, etc., only for gram out for himself; that the was all alone. I thought that AA You are now some fourteen or AA. Twelve Steps were just guides; that would change all that, and it did. fifteen years sober, and I am sober The impression you once gave each person had to interpret them But now it seems that, if I follow only four or five. A few years ago, me was that AA is like a door, and for his own use; that no one could you, the world will get small again, you told me that if there was ever one goes through that door to a work the Steps for anyone else. You and all that I have gained will be anything that bothered me, I should sober, happy life. You led me to told me that, after working the taken away or forced to leave my ask you about it. At this time, there believe that with AA I would stay Steps, I would arrive at a set of life to make room for this everare several things bothering me. To sober and enjoy all that life had to principles which, as the Twelfth growing “thing.” After so long, it begin with, I am worried about you. offer. Has this changed? Did I mis- Step states, I could practice in all looks as if I will be alone again. I am wondering about some of the understand you? Is AA an end in my affairs. Now I see you making Is this the way AA works? If it is, things that you told me a few years itself? If I stick with AA, will I end decisions for others, though a few then maybe I had better quit now ago. My memory was not so good, up void of all things, left only with years ago you told me you could while I am ahead and take my so I wrote them down, and now I memories of AA meetings? What not do this. Now I hear you telling chances on staying sober alone. am checking them over again to about the abundant life mentioned others how to work the Twelve What do you say, old-timer? make sure I don’t make a mistake. in the Bible? Steps. It sounds as if you are telling Anonymous, Paducah, Ky. You told me a few years ago that When I came into AA a few AA should come first with all of us. years ago, you told me all that AA I still agree with this, but I wonder had done for you, the great help if you do. When I think of the that our group had been to you. word “first,” it implies that there You told me that, if I would only are other things following. For listen, I could get well and have a example: first, AA; second, wife; happy life. The other day, I sat and third, children; fourth, friends; etc. listened while you were talking to It looks to me at this time as if R new man. You didn’t tell him the you have made AA your whole life, things you once told me. You told instead of the first consideration in him how many conventions you had your life. I t looks as if nothing else been to, how many meetings you matters to you. No room for wife, attended, how much you had done

December 1970

Can a drunk be dependable? From Solvang, Calif.: Last night I listened to a man who It is one of the fringe benefits of has been on the program for many AA that I am now able to keep years. He was telling his story to a whatever commitment I make, be it newcomer. He mentioned that dur- an appointment, paying a bill, or ing his drinking days he considered doing something for someone. No himself to be, not only a big shot, longer does my wife have to wonder, but one of the most dependable peo- when I walk out the door, when, ple in the world. He said, in part, how, or where she will next see me. “Can you imagine a dependable She knows I am basically dependdrunk?” able. Imagine me, after so many This started me thinking of my years of unpredictability, a dependown case: the lies, the unkept ap- able (nonpracticing) drunk! H. A. pointments, the uneaten dinners, all

the areas in which I could not be relied upon for anything except to keep myself supplied with booze at any cost. Today, using the same honesty that has allowed me to stay sober in the program for a few years, I can say I am a “dependable drunk” but only because I am a nonpracticing drunk.

December 1970

Plea from a new AA From Zanesville, Ohio: I do not want in any way to offend anyone. but 1 feel that I must exnress what is on my mind, if only in a letter. Some old-timers are naturally bette; speakers than we newcomers of a few months would be. We need their leads, because we like to hear of their years of sobriety. But to tell their autobiographies as many as four times a year at the same clubhouse is, in my opinion, very boresome! Some leads run forty-five minutes and seem like only five! Others last for well over an hour and seem like only five, again five hours, that is! Not all new members would care to say anything, even after months of attending meetings. But some of us would like to say a few things more than just “Thank you for your lead” without being frowned at. By the way, could we be offered, after a while, even small jobs like helping with the dishes or anything to make us feel wanted? For some of us, you members are all the family we have now. Please, don’t shun new A h . ANONYMOUS

J a n u a r y 1971

Noting ‘a change’ in local AA From West Orange, N.J.: About twenty-three years ago, I or recognition of the fact that he exfirst joined AA in Newark, N.J., and ists. It is a cold, unfeeling, unintergoing to those initial meetings was ested atmosphere. I am sure this indeed heartwarming. I was barely does great damage to the new AA sober, knowing no one and more member, who, at best, feels ill at than ready for any excuse to bolt ease, shy, and thoroughly uncomfortfrom the place. But so many men able. A single word of welcome or a and women greeted me, introduced courteous “Hello” can often tip the themselves (first names), and asked scales in favor of a person’s returnme to sit with them and have a drink ing to future meetings. of coffee with them, that even at that Therefore, 1 implore all groups to first, difficult meeting I felt welcome. revitalize your hospitality commit- I completely lost my embarrassment tyes, cue in your general memberand felt that I belonged. At meetings ship, and look for those new faces. all through this area, the atmosphere W. M. was just as warm. Unfortunately, I stopped attending meetings for many years, and some months ago, after twenty-three years of sobriety, 1 had my first slip. Of course, I started the meetings again. I live in the suburbs of Newark now, and have gone to meetings in many differentcommunities nearby, hoping to see a familiar face and again to find the warmth so generously offered many years ago. But what a change! Now no one greets a soul. A stranger walks in, listens to the program, drinks his coffee, without a word of welcome

September 1971

Are Those I almost always come away feeling better. Something does happen, after time to give of your love and help.” “We love you very dearly,” writes all. Maybe 1 catch one sentence: the feminine half of an AA couple, “I found when I joined AA that 1 ‘way out in Salt Lake City. was not alone.” This sinks into my 1 don’t take any personal credit consciousness and stirs a response. for having AA pigeons and wonder- I leave the meeting in a different ful AA friends like this. Something mood. The glow of belonging and bigger than all of us drew us tothe stirring of hope, as described at gether in the first place. And this Dull? the meeting, are mine, too. I have Higher Power has never failed me had my own need answered again. when I needed it. I haven’t had a As an old-timer, I find that the drink for many a long year, but I simplest truths, reiterated, are neces- have been depressed, discouraged sary for me. And when I forget this, -standing on my head in the attendance at a meeting is likely to Grand Canyon at midnight, as I remind me. When I squirm on a like to say. I might have slipped off This F COURSE, some meetings are hard chair and wish I had my top the program altogether if it hadn’t

veteran 0 dull. I’ve been to thousands of them, and some of the speakers bureau drawer with me, or my guestroom closet, so that I could be straightening things out while listenbeen for wonderful AA friends who stood by. They have reminded me haven’t appealed to me. But then what anger, resentment, and lack of o f a thousarrd my talks don’t fascinate everybody, ing to the speakers, this is when I’m self-forgiveness can do to us, and either. This is all par for the course. in exactly the right place for my that the ability to laugh at ourselves own good, for my sobriety, my life- is a must. With this help, plus the meetings finds Live and Let Live. line. But there is a kind of boredoni help of a psychiatrist whom 1 found that is simply me. This is the rest- “I feel sorry for people who don’t through another AA friend, 1 am she always takes have AA,” someone says. Yes, and beginning to make some headway less, wriggling kind; the chair is too hard; my fanny aches; I cannot sit 1 feel sorry for those who don’t against this nonsense. away somethirrg have an opportunity to help others I need the meetings; I need my still. Honestly, I have lost my judgment; 1 don’t know whether this is at deep and meaningful levels. friends; I need the AA teaching. o f value a good meeting or a bad one. The “Dear Sponsor,” says one of my Because of all these, I know, I now truth is that I am anxious or wor- pigeons in a recent letter. “You have have a mind that can keep learning, ried or resentful or depressed about been such a help to me in my life, a spirit that can keep growing, a something, and that is why my mind my sobriety, and in everything, that personality that can keep changing just won’t stay with the speakers. I do not know how to thank you. little by little, for the better, and a But whether the meeting is really Whenever you feel low, just count love that 1 can keep sharing. I am a dull one, as far as I’m concerned, up the people who are alive and grateful, exceedingly grateful. or whether I am not being receptive, sober today because you took the F. M., New Cunuun, Conn.

J a n u a r y 1972

of the basic principles of AA. The member sometimes looks back at all young members and older members his years of drinking and feels he do not always agrec with each other, has nothing left but a wasted life. hut we scc cach other for what we Wcll, that does not happen to bc I s There a Generation Gap? really arc, recovering alcoholics. If true. Just consider how many older we accept that, there are no prob- members have stopped young peo- Ienls which cannot be worked out. ple from doing the same things with “Can young people benefit older their lives. A man (or a woman) This old-timer finds A A a brotllerhood can have wasted his entire life bemcmbcrs?” someone else asked. 1 in which young and old can help each other say yes. When a forty-year-old man fore AA, but if in the end he saves witlks into a young people’s group one person from his own fate, he and sees what they are trying to do, has been a success. i d he stays and comes back, I Young and older members alike would say young people help. help each other and need each other. I N A M E ET I N G one night, someone thinks in terms of agc. Older pcrasked, “Is there a generation gap sons. in my case, always were enbetween young people and older couraging. He or she would say, Whcn a young person is removed from the drinking and the hell which When one of us slips, we cry together, and the rest of us ask ourselves pzople in A A ? ‘ I got to thinking “YOUiirc lucky. YOUdo not have to was a daily thing before he found whether our sponsorship could have about it and came up with the opin- go through all those years of hell, as A A , and is helped by an older mem- been better. ion -my own – that there is no I did.” Thcy explaincd prcvcntivc bcr, then, by staying sober and be- AA is truly a brotherhood. We steps I could use to stay sober. Thcy conling a better person, he certainly should forget about age and rememgap. When 1 came to AA, my first con- gave to me the value of their mis- helps the AA who helped him. ber that, as alcoholics, we need each tact was with an older man, a man takes. and in so doing allowed mc After some sobriery, an older other’s help and understanding. from another generation. I looked to avoid making the same ones they D. K.,Marion, N.Y. to him for truths about this problem had. of alcoholism. I wanted to stop In a young people’s group. anothdrinking, and I was not concerned er question was raised: “Should we with any “gap.” I sought help from confine our speakers to young pcohim, and he sought to help me. He ple?” did not say, “I’ve spilled more on I said I felt it was a bad idea. my tie than you ever drank.” He There were some conflicting opintold me I could stop drinking, and ions. Then I asked, “How many suggested ways to go about it. people here right now started out in I have had one or two members AA with young people as sponsors make that “spill” remark to me, but or in a young group?” Thcrc wcrc as a rule most older members go out none. All of us had benefited from of their way to help younger people. the older member when we first came That is why AA is so successful. We into the program. all, both young and older members, So I would say there is, in this help each other. For example, the area at least, no generation gap. It true, thinking AA member never is eliminated by mutual acceptance

December 1972

‘AA depends on me’ God-given trust. Any spiritual, men- From Temple City, Calif.: tal, and emotional growth that I The first seven pages of the Au- have attained stems primarily from gust issue on growth have provoked giving of myself while rotating much bubbling, flowing, and inter- through a variety of AA jobs. This acting of thoughts, ideas, and expe- has been my greatest tool in the periences. rennial chore of overcoming my self- I came into AA some thirteen centeredness. D. B. years after the first (1939) meeting in Los Angeles. Thus, in addition to absorbing the AA story and knowledge of my responsibilities as a sober member from our books and literature, I have had the privilege of hearing the tale (and basic truths) from many members who were there! They lived the experiences that led to the formation of our Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts. Many of these older members are gone now, “making the program” the only way there is – when they passed on still sober. They lacked what I now have hundreds of local groups, all of our proven books and Conference-approved literature to learn from, a snloothly running central office to take care of many of our needs. Yet, to be brutally candid, a? I lbok deeply into myself and into the words and deeds of my fellows, I see us (me) lacking much of the involvement and commitment demonstrated by our real old-timers. So comes the question: What to do about it? Fortunately, my God has enabled me to see that the future success and even survival of AA depend on me! I hope and pray there will be enough “me’s” to perpetuate and expand our

October 1973

Disappearing AAs From Pittsford, Vt.: My wife and I spend much time to clean up the garbage. During that touring around the country and vis- time, I just greeted members by sayiting groups. We love to attend ing “Hi!” The next ten years, I made meetings. Never know who’s going progress. I knew eleven members by to ask you to speak. It keeps my ego their first names and four by their up to par. Love the applause! last. Now half of these don’t come Strange as it may seem, when- any more. Soon I’ll be back to sayever we revisit these groups, we find ing “Hi!” again. Believe it or not, a flock of new faces. I did some I’m a friendly guy. Tell me, where investigating and found resentments did I go wrong? J . W. drove the missing members back to the bottle, or else they are busy at home raking up the lawn on meeting nights! Personalities before principles -another disease. I go to an 8:30 meeting at 8:00 and leave at 10:OO PM , which means I spend two hours with other alcoholics. Now tell me – how the hell can you stir up resentments in two short hours

when there is si much AA to share? Frankly, I’m lousy on remembering names. It takes me years to address Pat as Pat or Mary as Mary, and the last name-forget it! I came into AA over twenty-five years ago, and I was bulging at the seams with trouble. It took me fifteen years

G: November 4, –

Old-Timers There is concern in A A for the long-time member who loses interest G in meetings, who feels there is no longer a need for him, who becomes very little moment. bored, or who quits coming to meetings. The following ten-page Sobriety is progressive, as is alcoholism; but 1 know I may not forsection presents some views and opinions we hope will be helpful . . . get for one moment of any day that 1 have a disease which has only been arrested. Failure to remember that my illness is only dormant can lead The Search for Quality cr A to disaster. Self-honesty must be practiced diligently. Self-deceit can Can we continue to progress throughout our A A lives? destroy me. Fourteen years ago, it nearly did. If it’s quality that counts, what are its earmarks? How does one assess I N THIS Y E A R of general alarm over just about it,” he said of old-timers. the increase in alcoholism, I What may we symbolize? “All AA should think the person least in need progress can be reckoned in terms of seldom keep the prccious gift of sobriety . . . unless we give it away.” I recall our co-founder’s favorite the quality of sobriety? First, how much am I maturing emotionally? of special attention is the AA mem- just two words: humility and respon- prayer and believe that I can literal- There are many ways of measuring. ber who has been around for a sibility. . . . We try to move toward ly, as St. Francis prayed, become an The Mental Health Association has while. the image and likeness of God as we instrument of His peace, SON love a checklist; and two books I have Who is an old-timer? Who is con- understand Him. . . . We of this found invaluable are The Road to where there is hatred, pardon where cerned about him? Why the con- world are pupils in a great school of Emotional Maturity,* by David there is injury, faith where there is cern? When is an old-timer, anyway? life. . . . So we seek progress in hu- A,brahamsen, MD , and Beyond Sucdoubt, hope where there is despair, Some golden oldies are in their early mility for today.” And “the acme of cess and Failure-Ways to Self-Reand joy where there is sadness. Isn’t forties. That’s old? humility,” Bill said, is the ability to this precisely what we do when we liance and Maturity,* by Willard Each member of AA is as indi- laugh at oneself. practice Step Twelve? and Marguerite Beecher. vidual as his fingerprints, and the How can we continue to progress I have lived in day-tight compart- How much spiritual growth have thought of lumping together all who throughout our AA lives? “Step ments since before I joined the Fel- I achieved? This is more personal have been abstinent in AA for a Eleven can keep us growing,” Bill lowship, September 10, 1946. Now, and more difficult to measure. It’s time, and then working up a worry said, “if we try hard and work at it twenty-seven years later, scarcely a like humility, unawareness of which about them, is disturbing. Person- continually. If we neglect those who day passes that I do not find some- marks its depth. Spiritual perfection ally, I’m aghast at the idea of being are still sick, there is unremitting thing new and challenging in our Big and full emotional maturity are una problem, of needing special atten- danger to our own lives and sanity.” Book, in the “Twelve and Twelve,” attainable in this life, so there is no tion or tender loving care, or of be- He reminded us that “Our Society or in the Grapevine. The AA way end to the striving for them. As for ing the object of anyone’s solicitude. . . . has but one high mission – to of life means progress in sobriety, physical progress, naturally one tries Our co-founder Bill W. expressed carry the AA message.” The AA ongoing, never-ending. The quality to keep fit and appear presentable. himself pretty clearly on the subject “key to sobriety” is our “gift from of my sobriety is much more impor- To carry the message, I believe I at various times. “In the end. . . we God,” Bill said. And “It is the great tant than the quantity. The number must attend meetings. Where would become useful symbols -and that’s paradox of AA that we know we can of years since I had a drink is of Bofh published by Pocket Books, 1 W . 39th St., New York, N.Y. 10018

the still-suffering alcoholic get help Steps is transforming. Constant vigi- my own sanity, I hope to go on emotionally, and he knows he has if there were no meetings? And the lance is imperative. “But while men growing by living the AA way. Every merely scratched the surface of spirisober alcoholic needs them, too. were sleeping, an enemy came and day is a fresh beginning. Every mom tuality. Unlike others, he must grow This is where I share my strength sowed weeds.” is the world made new. in order to survive. and hope and where my own spirit I can become better informed “I should loathe nowadays,” Mal- “God will constantly disclose more is renewed. This is where I got, and about alcoholism. Knowledge is colm Muggeridge has written, “to to you and to us,” Bill wrote. “Ask where I now give. This is where I power, and the more I know about have my senses muddled or clouded Him in your morning meditation was restored to sanity, and where I this illness, the better fortified I will by alcohol or drugs or tobacco or what you can do each day for the can now give encouragement to be in my sobriety. even food. It’s an exquisite pleasure man who is still sick. The answers those still in the throes. No meeting I can learn to speak well in pub- to look out at life as it were through will come, if your own house is in can be a bore if one goes with love lic. If I am informed and can speak, a window that isn’t misted over, with order. But obviously you cannot and the desire to share. I will find more opportunities to the curtains drawn back and light transmit something you haven’t got.” True, the meeting situation in, carry the message and maybe help pouring in.” To that I say “Amen.” Recalling that is all I need as an insay, New York or San Francisco tq save a life. After some time in It seems to me that the AA with centive. may be quite different from that in AA, we learn how to inform others a good quality of sobriety is just Alcoholism is increasing. Who Jesup, Iowa, or Poteau, Okla. Op- without breaking our anonymity. about the most fortunate person in knows better than the sober AA how portunities for action may be greater AA can be made attractive to the world. He’s equipped to meet the to arrest it? I am needed, and that’s in a metropolis. It’s easier to drop clergymen, physicians, social work- challenge of growing more mature a blessing I appreciate. ‘ out, though, and get lost in New ers, or business executives when we M.E. S., Manhattan, N.Y. York than in Jesup or Poteau. But talk with them on a one-to-one basis going to meetings anywhere keeps or speak to them at an open meetthe memory green, and if one goes Old-Timers ing. Revealing our AA membership in a spirit of thankfulness, only good under these circumstances does not can result. conflict with Step Eleven. If I have a good quality of sobri- I can learn to write. If I learn to ety, I’ll love every newcomer. In him write well enough, a piece in the ing to let others take on responsibilis my security, and a few words of mine may save his sanity. It’s a mis- Grapevine may reach at least 70,000 people – a challenge not to be ig- A FTER Y E ARS of living the AA way of life and practicing the principles contained in AA’s Three Legity, unlike the kind of old-timer that he called a “bleeding deacon” and take to believe there is a gap between nored. acies – Recovery, Unity, Service – many call “Mr. AA.” the sober and the active alcoholic. I can become a Loner sponsor there comes a time for each of us Now that I am retired from a life- We were there once, were we not? and receive the Loners list, which to become either an elder statesman time of work in the marketplace, and And where else but in our Fellow- the AA General Service Office fur- or a bleeding deacon. Realizing this, have time on my hands to contemship can I help human beings with- nishes free. Writing letters to AA our co-founder Bill W. (with the plate the meaning of my AA experiout being a do-gooder? Loners, who are unable to go to other AA pioneers) turned over the ence, I begin to see the wisdom of In sobriety, I can cultivate my meetings or live too far from any Three Legacies to the AA Fellow- Bill’s example. Fortunately, I have mind – learn a new language, mas- group, is a rewarding way of carry- ship at the Convention in St. Louis unwittingly been preparing for this ter a new skill. Possessed of the san- ing the message. in 1955, at the age of fifty-nine, and day for the past eight years, and by ity I have finally acquired, I can I think of Bill W. with love and became AA’s senior elder statesman. the grace of God I am now willing to ‘ inspire others just by being. What I gratitude and remember that his en- As an elder statesman, he was al- accept my present lot in the AA way now am speaks louder than words to thusiasm never waned. Out of love ways willing to share his matchless of life. prove that the living of the Twelve of God and of Bill and to preserve AA experience -and equally will- Some time ago, I was presented

I

with an appropriate prayer for an me wings to get to the point. the grace to see good things in un- AA of my age (sixty-one) to use on “Seal my lips on my aches and expected places and talents in unexmy tenth anniversary in our blessed pains. They are increasing, and love pected people. Give me the grace Fellowship. It goes like this: of rehearsing them may become to tell them so.” “Lord, Thou knowest better than sweeter as the years go by. I dare From past experience, I believe I know myself that I am growing not ask grace enough to enjoy the that, if I am sincere in my prayer, older and will some day be old. tales of others’ pains and suffering, I may yet become- one day at a Keep me from the fatal habit of but let me endure them with pa- time – an elder statesman in the thinking that I must say something tience. I dare not ask for improved AA Fellowship. I may follow in on every subject and on every occa- memory, but for growing humility Bill’s footsteps, in spite of the many sion. Release me from the craving and less cocksureness when my mem- shortcomings that would otherwise to straighten out everybody’s affairs. ory clashes with the memory of condemn me to the life of a bleed- Make me thoughtful, but not moody; others. Teach me the glorious lesson ing deacon, with all of its attendant helpful, but not bossy. With my vast t9a.t occasionally I may be mistaken. loneliness. In Bill’s example, I now store of wisdom, it seems a pity not “Keep me reasonably sweet; I do find strength and hope as always. to use it all, but Thou knowest, not want to be a saint (some of Blessed are the poor in spirit in this Lord, that I want a few friends at them are so hard to live with); but wonderful Fellowship of ours; at the end. Keep my mind free from a sour old person is one of the any age. the recital of endless details; give crowning works of Satan. Give me , Ted G.,Madison, Wis.

Old-Timers Reaching Out for New Horizons NE T I M E in 1953, I had a long solution, I did my bit by writing a to both AAs and non-AAs. a brief sobriety, he was drunk again 0 talk with our co-founder Bill W. about the special problems of series for the Grapevine called “Twelve Steps and the Older Mem- I In our early explorations, we were and returned to Jung. The great psygreatly helped by ideas from an a p chiatrist told Roland that his case old-timers – the lapse into drinking ber,” dealing specifically with what propriate source – the writings of was beyond the reach of Jung’s usual or dry despair that sometimes over- happens in our spiritual lives as we the Swiss psychiatrist C. G. Jung, clinical methods. took the careless and unwary, and get on in our AA years. There were I who was, unknowingly, a kind of “Was there, then, Roland asked, the generally uphill road of life’s other efforts of other AAs along this godfather of AA. “The healing table no hope? Only through a transformlater years, with its invariable prog- line. Some (though of course not from which AA members partake,” ing religious experience, Jung said. nosis of progressive aging into more all) of the Step discussion groups – Bill W. once said, “was set by Carl How could this be had? It could and more advanced old age and, fi- particularly some of the Eleventh Jung, William James, a Lutheran not be guaranteed. If it was to hapnally, death. Bill wound up the con- Step groups -had a strong bent in minister named Frank Buchman, pen, the minimum condition, Jung versation by saying, “We’ve got to this direction. Now a number of us and a psychiatrist named Silkworth. thought, would be exposure to redo something more for these older have tackled the problem head-on “It came about in this way. A ligious ideas and practices. Roland guys and gals.” by forming the Phenix Club, named New York businessman named, in chose Frank Buchman’s Oxford Fully realizing it was only a minor after that immemorial symbol of re- this story, Roland went to Carl Jung Group. There he met Ebby, another contribution and by no means a final birth, the phoenix. The club is open to be healed of his alcoholism. After alcoholic, and together, within the

+- ” influence of the group, they remain- live into their seventies and eighties AAs kept up our maintenance meet- over to a divine Power. Through ed sober.” unless these “extra” years made ings.) meditation, reading, and discussion, Ebby was a friend and former some important contribution to the The first task we set ourselves – we discover and cultivate higher valdrinking partner of Bill’s. Ebby call- life of the species. Second, he said was the formulation of the “new ues that lead us into a joyous new ed on Bill and found him “at his that it was -impossible to live suc- goals” Jung had said were so essen- life. And we stand ready to share kitchen table with a bottle of gin, cessfully through the second half of tial to creative living in the later what we have found with others in drunk” – but not too drunk to be life by the same standards that served years. We searched for appropriate the final third of life. deeply impressed by Ebby’s and Ro- during the first half; an entirely new tenets that could lead to a serene We are now compiling chapter-‘ land’s discovery of the key to sobri- set of life goals was required. Third, and joyful final stretch of life. We length discussions of each one of the ety. Thus – Jung to Roland to he said that serenity during the later tried various things and carefully Twelve Conditions. These, we trust, Ebby to Bill – began the sequence years depended upon maintaining an noted what didn’t work and what will eventually appear in a form for that not long after led to the forma- intellectually tenable belief in a life did. Using only what we found convenient use by our brothers and ‘ tion of the first AA group. beyond death. through actual living-it-out to actu- sisters who have entered, or who ‘ Many years later, after AA had Jung’s words set us to pondering. ally work, we compiled our Twelve are about to enter, the final third of become a thriving international fel- Just what is the cosmic significance Conditions. To our endless satisfac- their lives. And, of course, our wish lowship with hundreds of thousands of that great extension-of-life we call tion and supreme joy, they work! for all our fellow AAs is that their of members, Bill wrote to Jung to old age? Just what are we supposed In our Twelve Conditions, we ad- years of happy sobriety may be tell him of the part he had unwit- to do with this gift of time? Exactly mit that the end of life is closer, we crowned, as ours have been, by a tingly played in the founding of AA. which new goals may we wisely sub- affirmthat passage from this life can serene and happy last third of life. Jung’s reply, containing his delight- stitute for those hit-or-miss rules by be a glory, and we give our lives J. E., Guilford, Conn. ful pun to the effect that the alco- which we skinned through our early holic’s interest in spirits is only a years? Just what has the modern scimask for his thirst for the Spirit, ence of survival research produced Old-Timers became one of Bill’s favorite quo- in support of traditional religious tations. Still later, we who were hacking claims of a life beyond death? These were among the questions One-to-one away at the aging-member problem we now began earnestly to bat came upon another Jung quotation, around among ourselves. Gradually, ideally suited to our special needs. we began to find some answers, and The great doctor, it turned out, had in this we were greatly helped by T HE M A N smiled and waved to me from a passing car. Nothing, you say? It brought me off a disasmeeting, to see a friend celebrate an anniversary or to hear another friend speak. I actually belonged to no paronce written a little book called some of our bright “civilian” (non- trous two-year slip, after nine years ticular group any more. I was happy Modern Man in Search of a Soul. It alcoholic) contemporaries in the of sobriety, and back to regular at- and sober, seeing and playing bridge contained a chapter called “The club. After a certain age, we found, tendance at meetings. But that was with other AA people, but not at- Stages of Lie.” Here, in three suc- it doesn’t matter much whether one’s fifteen years ago. tending meetings. cinct statements, we found the clue earlier hang-up was booze or some- Last night, I celebrated my fif- Then I landed in the hospital with . we were looking for – the keys we thing else; there is a fraternity of teenth anniversary of continuous so- anemia from loss of blood in the ‘ were sure would open the doors that seeking, and there is a well from briety in AA, and again, it was that stomach and duodenum (they call it . led to a serene and possibly even which all seekers may draw. So a simple but powerful touch of one erosive gastritis!), from years of joyous old age. history of alcoholism was not a pre- person to another that had brought drinking and from my regular mom- First, Jung pointed out that peo- requisite for inclusion in the club. me back. After thirteen years in AA, ing breakfast of a raw egg floating in vle certainly would not be built to (Naturally, those of us who were I was attending only an occasional Worcestershire sauce. It was the

only thing that would stay down that first ninety days of sobriety had when I was drinking! But it wore the been for me, and how happy I had lining of my stomach so thin that been that I didn’t have to drink! my blood actually oozed out. Lying And here I had fifteen years of there sick and weak in the hospital, happy sobriety and all its gifts, my my rump perforated with shots of dear wife (who also had fifteen years iron, I received a phone call from of sobriety and celebrated with me), old Bill, in my original group, wish- our dear house all paid for, our good ing me well. That evening, I got a son driving us to the meeting in his visit from young Bill, in the same big air-conditioned car, the two of group. They still cared enough about us enjoying my retirement because A me to call, although I hadn’t been to AA saved our lives. All this because their group in ten years! This is “one someone waved to a fallen fellow final to one” in AA, and it is powerful fiom his car, or picked up a phone, w o r d on t h e medicine. or went to visit an old friend in a Self-pity left me, and I realized hospital. It makes you think, doesn’t subject f r o m how terribly foolish I had been to it? deprive myself of the friendship of C . C., Mt. Vernon, N.Y. our co-founder people like old Bill and young Bill, Bill W. and John, who took me to my first drinking myself. If these men remeeting and now had thirty-one Old-Timers turned after years of sobriety, it years, and Walter -who had waved might happen to me.” at me from his car thirteen years earlier – and Gloria and Therese. “What i s Your Concern?” Bill said to me, “What did you agree to do if you could have so- I came back to them as soon as I briety?” I mumbled a bit and then left the hospital, and began attend- answered that I did not know. “What ing the group’s closed meetings. Be- in fore I knew what had happened, I was treasurer, so I had to attend A T O U R STATE CONVENTION 1965, several of us were talking about one of our former memcould do to get these men active again. Bill asked me what my concern does the Twelfth Step say?” Bill asked. I repeated the Twelfth Step, and he said, “There you are. You both the closed and the open meet- bers, who had died drunk after was. I explained about the man who practice these principles and carry ings and pay the bills. I belonged eighteen years of sobriety. We de- died in convulsions after eighteen the message to others. Any time you again! It was wonderful. cided to make a survey of the long- years’ sobriety. Bill asked whether get so ungrateful for what this pro- Then came my fifteenth anniver- timers who were no longer coming he had been active in AA. I said no; gram has done for you that you stop sary and dozens of cards from old to meetings and find out why they he had not been around us in about practicing the principles and carryfriends and new. Before the meeting, were not active. Four of us divided twelve years. I then explained the ing the message to others, John Barthe chairman called a girl to the the state and questioned the men file, which Bill had not looked at, leycorn will take over again. I have front of the room to receive her in our areas. On one of my trips to and said that we wanted to get these no sympathy for ungrateful people.” ninety-day pin. She said a few New York, at the end of the year, old-timers active again. Bill asked He pushed the file back to me unwords, grateful for being there, three I took the file we had made into the once more, “What is your concern?” opened and told me goodbye. months out of the jungle of active office of our co-founder Bill W. and I said, “I want to know what to I am still grateful. alcoholism. I recalled how difficult showed it to him, I asked what we do to keep from going back to W.O’N.,Wichita Falls, Tex.

.. December 1973

Old-timer’s dilemma From Michigan: I ditched a meeting tonight and I suppose it’s really my duty, and worked on a piece for the Grape- that of the handful of other old-timvine instead. 1 think I got as much ers, to set things straight. I tried it AA out of this as I would have by several times when I was chairman going to the meeting. I don’t know for the meeting. I broke the group what has happened to our group in into small sections for individual dislatter years, but I don’t get what I cussions, had panel speakers on the want and need from our meetings. Steps, Traditions, and Slogans, and We have grown considerably, and tried a few other things. Everyone the majority now are quite young said it was fine, and they really got people, and they just don’t seem to a lot out of i t . . . and no one else me to be very dedicated to the Fel- ever did it afterward. So much for lowship. Years ago, when we were leadership. If some of us lean on the much smaller, we used to discuss rest a little because we don’t like the Steps, Steps, Steps, and how to stay way things are going, then we’re sober happily. Now, a good deal of bleeding deacons. Any answers? the time, we talk about things al- ANONYMOUS most as far-out as how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Last week, we had two new peopletheir first meeting- and most of the time was spent in a harangue about group finances. The rest of the time, it was on a few of the less vital Traditions.

March 1974

Emotional Growth It can be a sign of progress when old-timers practice the AA principles in the wider world outside 4.

ONCERNING the “Old-Timer’s Di- C lemma” (a letter in the December 1973 Grapevine), may I suggest and so realize the true satisfaction of sober living. I, too, went through periods of that this feeling of not getting what thinking that I and other old-timers we need from the regular group owed it to AA to maintain the status meeting any more may be evidence quo. I no longer feel that way. I beof our own emotional growth and lieve that AA will continue to grow maturity. Maybe a Power greater effectively as long as each drunk than ourselves is trying to tell us to who gets sober tries to carry the broaden t h e scope of our interests message to another alcoholic who and activities -to spend more of wants to stop drinking. New groups our time practicing the AA prin- are starting all the time. The Twelve ciples among people in general, and Steps and the Twelve Traditions are to use the things we began to learn still there, and so are the Slogans. when we were new in AA, in order New people who sincerely want to to live richer, fuller lives without al- achieve sobriety are achieving it just ‘ cohol. as you and I have done. A Power New people in AA should be en- greater than ourselves is still availcouraged to chair meetings, talk at able, too! open meetings (I have been to So let us old-timers in dilemmas open meetings recently where all the remember to Live and Let Live, to speakers had fifteen or more years thank God for the Fellowship of Alof AA sobriety), make Twelfth Step coholics Anonymous and for our calls, and, through their own activi- own sobriety. I refuse to be a bleedties and discussions, reach the point ing deacon. of accepting their responsibilities, 0.K. W., Lewes, Del.

June 1974

What every old-timer knows From Rantoul, Ill.: After reading the letter “Why Mention A g e ? ‘ i n the November 1973 Grapevine, it came to mind how one member of our group hit the questions “How can a young fella relate to these old-timers when he hasn’t experienced all these things?’and “What does that old man know about my problems of today? After all, he’s about through with life. I’m still young, and I think differently.” The old-timer got through to the younger generation by this simple statement: “There’s one simple way to put it, I think. We old-timers know more about being young than you know about being old!” Everyone had a good laugh, and the generation gap was gone. J. B. M.

July 1975

His group thinks o f him 0 N E D A Y next month, God willing, 1’11 complete thirteen years of AA sobriety. Had it not been for a s an old-timer, but he w o n d e ~.s. . events of the past 24 hours, the presentation of an anniversary cake by our group secretary and my ensuing acceptance speech would fol- Are We {EverHome Safe? low the pattern set in the past few years. After a glowing introduction by lessly beaten. And just look at me leading a meeting and talking about “. . . As long as I keep in mind our chairman and a round of ap- now! my drinking, I occasionally go home that liquor is my deadly enemy, and plause, I would make a short speech, My co-workers, many of whom with the thought “Thank God it’s all as long as I remepiher that my main then sit down to bask in the warm recall my staggering into work at the in the past. I’m glad it will never business is staying : zr and that it’s feeling that it is great to be home end of my shift instead of at the be- happen again.” the most important thing in my life, safe with the passing of the years. ginning, recently elected me to an Worst of all, in my newfound I believe I’ll be prepared for that “Safe”? The full impact of that important union office; politicians glory as the “old-timer,” I have diffi- crucial moment when the idea of word, which has ,been sneaking more call upon me to use my influence to ‘ culty relating to the person who still having a drink pops into my mind.” and more into my thoughts lately, aid them in bids for election; my suffers. Why can’t he just be like One word, “when,” hit me like an hit rile this morning. It happened in children depend upon me to help me? arrow finding its mark -“when the a . ‘ ~ c rstrange way. then1 solve their problems; and wcll- This “superman” feeling has per- idea of having a drink pops into my bccause I’m known as the “old- meaning friends constantly tell me sisted for several months, hut there mind.” Not “if,” but “when.” timer” of my group, my once-a- I “have it made,” because, with the also has been a vague uneasiness, The baffling power of alcohol is week meeting has recently become help of God and AA, I’ve lived some nagging thought that I’ve for- the detail I’ve been forgetting. an ego trip. New people are referred through several personal tragedies gotten a very important detail con- As of this moment, my feeling is to me for advice and counsel, and I without taking a drink. cerning my alcoholism. What, I kept that I’ve been miraculously rescued dutifully lay on them words of wis- Wonderful, you say? asking myself all day yesterday, is so from the edge of a deadly precipice. dom which, until this morning, were Perhaps. . . except for the fact wrong about feeling comfortable And what’s so strange about beonly words. If the newcomers ask that once in a while I find myself and secure after thirteen years of ing put back in line this morning more questions, 1 may pretend to be believing niy own “press notices.” sobriety? The compulsion is gone through reading the February 21 understanding, but I wonder secretly At those times, which seem to be in- forever, right? passage of “the 24-hour book”? why they can’t grasp what I’m say- creasing as I get further away from Then this n~orning, as (out of Nothing-except that today is April ing and simply follow my advice. my last drink, conlplacency sets in. habit) I read the February 21 pas- 23. After all, take my experience. Thir- I listen to speakers with the attitude sage in 24 Hours a Day, the answer Yesterday, I replaced my bookteen years ago, I shakily crept in the “Man, this is great for that new man came through with a crashing jolt of mark at the wrong page. doors of AA, ashamed and hope- over there in the comer!” Or after realitv. Part of it reads as follows: K. P., Pittsburgh, Pu.

July 1975

In good company wanis, Lions, or any other civic club, From Oakton, Va.: where you can associate with so At an AA meeting the other day, many people who have all been so a newcomer asked me, “Why do successful in a big way. you keep coming to AA meetings? “So 1 am proud to bc associated You’ve been sober for ten years with them. God bless them.” now. You’ve got it made. Why do D. V. G . you come to these meetings and listen to the same story over and over?” My answer was: “I come for two reasons. The first is that it helps me to stay sober. The second is that I like to associate and rub elbows with successful people, people who have done something worthwhile in life. “You only have to go back a few years, and everyone in this room was a drunk, of no use to himself, his family, or the community. Just take a look around you tonight at this crowd. You see a group of respectable citizens, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and enjoying life. They are assets to themselves and the community. They took on a very difficult and important project some time back, and they have succeeded in it. “I don’t know of anywhere else in the community, at Rotary, Ki-

January 1976

Supersober early risers those early days, I was up at 2:00 From Lakeland, Fla.: or 2:30 AM , fighting my alcoholic Who is the most sober person? neuritis or insomnia. Did that make “The one who got up earliest this me more sober than my fourteenmorning”? I’m highly opinionated years-sober sponsor, who said, “Noabout certain statements made body ever died from lack of sleep”? smugly behind the podium or across I was going to show “them” that I the table from me. And I think that could make medical history. Was I one is asinine. Of course, opinions more serene and better at coping can be changed, and I may think dif- than my sponsor, who awakened at ferently tomorrow. The other eve- 6:00 AM ? I think not. ning, a newcomer remarked that he I have great admiration for our thought years of sane living made a senior veterans, who have many person more sober. 1 agreed, and the scars to prove their toughness, their next time I heard “I’ve been sober plain old tenacity, in living sober in today, but the one who got up earli- spite of the odds. H. M. est this morning has more sobriety than me,” said by a twenty-threeyear veteran, it concerned me. Could he really believe that? One point in favor of years or months of sobriety is that we tend to sleep better. Many a morning in

January 1976

Change of heart From San Jose, Calif.: Martin, a former skid-row wino, recently chaired an AA meeting I attended. I first met him more than two years ago and hated him from the beginning. Hell, he’d ridden more rails and drunk more booze than anyone I’d ever heard of! I believed his story, but he and other old-timers disgusted me. “Burnt-out old so-and-sos,” I often muttered to myself. Deep inside, I really disliked them because my story was so minor compared to theirs. I was arrested and tossed into the drunk tank when I was seventeen, and that was my only brush with the law before joining AA, eleven years later. But, this particular night, Martin spoke with unusual directness and warmth to me. And 1 heard and felt it! His .talk was no different from the others he had given many times before, yet this time something inside me clicked. Our age difference no longer blinded me. Although hc’s old enough to be my father, I suddenly felt like a brother to him, realizing that God’s grace had lifted us both from our own individual hells. I felt a deep bond between us as equals in the Fellowship of AA. That night taught me: “God does love us all, equally.” R . P.

April 1976

Grateful to old-timers From Atlanta, Ga.: Being less than forty years of age and attending several young people’s groups and conventions, I sometimes cringe at some of the remarks made about old-timers. Old-timers gave me hope when my sponsor, sober twenty-one years at the time, postponed an out-of-town trip and came to my rescue and took me to my first AA meeting. Now, trying to learn to listen to old-timers, I can get still more hope for myself and others to come, because I realize that these people have lived what they are sharing with me. As I stay sober one day at a time and try to deal with my daily tasks, I realize even more that I should try to grasp every bit of wisdom they offer me. Thus far, at didferent times, I have had to use everything they have given me in order to try to be a little more honest and comfortable with myself. L. w.

A p r i l 1978

Not on the Shelf This old-timer discovered he could help new people just by being available

A FTEK 1 HAD thirty years of SObriety in AA, the old doubt syndrome raised its ugly head. consoles, “They also serve who only stand and wait.” 1 waited, quietly attending meetings-just waiting. Obviously, age had laid its heavy Now, within the last year, somehand upon me, and my AA activities thing has happened at meeting after had diminished. It had been a while meeting that I see as His answer. The since I’d had a Twelfth Step job or chairman has pointed me out, genparticipated actively. The result was erally to a newcomer, with the comthat 1 talked myself into the idea ment “Here’s a man who has been that I was on the shelf, with little sober thirty years and still attends to offer any more. meetings.” I would even mention timidly to This seems to mean something to fellow members, “1 don’t seem to new members. Perhaps it gives some identify with the newcomers any assurance that the program works longer,” or “There’s no place for indefinitely. Perhaps it shows them the old-timer any more,” or “Old that meetings are important. I do members just fade away, y’know. not know. Just look around you.” I only know that I have this con- All this was not without a feeling tribution to make, small as it is. It of guilt, for I can never begin to re- is something, and I believe it to be pay what AA has done for me. But my Higher Power’s will. as in crises past, I called upon my So, for the many other old-timers Higher Power to let me do His will, who feel as I did: Though our place as our Eleventh Step suggests. There is no longer in the spotlight, we can was only quiet on His part. No still stand in the shadows as guides answer. No revelation. No direction. to lead others into the light. And so, as Milton’s famous line D. T.,Elberton, Ga.

June 1978

phone numbers, to use when needed. bers who feel as I do. Remember, Today, there seems to be little AA is not going to preserve itself follow-up, little caring, few phone automatically. What are we, each calls. one of us, doing with the gift of H1.w many alcoholics have we lost sobriety, so freely and lovingly simply because they were never real- given? Will we soon squander our magnificent inheritance? Will We Squander ly accepted? Do sober members still say, “Hey, how are you doing? Call Perhaps each one of us should Our Inheritance? me if you get shook up, no matter what time it is. Remember, we need hold on to these thoughts: “Keep me mindful of the responsibilities that you”? Alcoholics may be getting accompany the blessings of sober, not because of us, but in spite freedom. The only time that wrong of us. can prevail is when good people do

B ILL W. WROTE to Dr. Bob in sible. When anyone, anywhere, 1949: “The groups will even- reaches out for help, 1 want the hand tually take over, and maybe they will of AA always to be there. And for 1 have talked to many older mem- nothing.” G. G.,Phoenix, Ariz.

squander their inheritance when they that: I am responsible.” Yet central get it. It is probable, however, that offices seem to be having more and they won’t. Anyhow, they really more difficulty finding sober AAs to have grown up; AA is theirs; let’s make Twelfth Step calls. One of the give it to them.” first things I learned is that I need the As a sober member of AA for newcomer as much as he needs me, more than twenty-seven years, I see yet some members feel they are dosome disturbing differences between ing new people a favor by getting in what I was taught in the beginning touch with them. Are we trying to and what is happening now. What hold on to sobriety now by nor givhas happened to the pride we AAs ing it away? have traditionally taken in saying, 1 wonder how many are lost ‘ “1 belong to the Guttersnipe because we don’t have the time or – Group”? To our feeling that each won’t make the time – to share or one of us takes part in the group’s care. What about the still-suffering primary purpose-carrying the drunk who calls AA and is told message? 1 see groups that regularly where the meeting is – and to go by have thirty people at meetings, but himself? What of the newcomer who only five active members. Who takes goes to a meeting and finds no one to responsibility for the necessary jobs talk to? Or is told to call other – group offices, sponsorship, cof- members but is given no names or fee making? Is the AA group dying numbers? When I was called on by because of individual apathy? an AA member, 1 joined a group and The Responsibility Declaration is got a sponsor. The group gave me a basic to AA thinking: “I am respon- list of members, with addresses and

August 1978

Do old-timers need meetings? From Webster Groves, Mo.: I often go to more meetings now, after nearly twenty years in the Fellowship, than I did many years ago. 1 have new problems in being a husband and a father, and 1 need the help of the group to keep me on the AA path. I sometimes think I should go to fewer meetings and let the others do the work as 1 gracefully retire. But I am grateful to God for the many years of sobriety He has given me, and I want the hand of AA to be there when someone needs it. And I need it just as badly as I needed it twenty years ago. I’ve seen many changes in my group and its meetings. Let the changes come. I am ready for them. 1 will meet them as manifestations of God’s will for me. If there are changes in my life, I will walk in the confidence that they, too, are God’s will and will accept them accordingly. K. McE.

October 1978

It isn’t easy to know what to do

When an Old-Timer Needs Help

A LL TOO OFTENin our AA lives, conversations and situations like the following arise in one to do or say when an old-timer slips and you face the job of twelfthstepping a man (or woman) who has my front door drunk. The shock almost cost me my own sobriety. I had no idea what to do for him or fashion or another. more years and more knowledge of say to him. All I did, really, was “Hey, Fred.” AA sobriety than you. What’s the watch him drink, a sad terror and “Yeah?” solution? helplessness filling my heart. Fear “C’mon with me. I’ve got a I’ve been on both sides of the held me frozen. If he could get Twelfth Step call to make.” problem and still don’t know. drunk, with all his wisdom and “Okay. Who is it?” When I first came into AA, my knowledge of AA, then it could hap- “We’re going to see George. He’s sponsor was a big, hearty, outgoing pen to me, too. I felt threatened and drunk and called for help.” guy with twelve years of sobriety in insecure. “George? You gotta be kidding. the program. With his booming Looking back now, I realize all 1 George drunk? Why, he’s been voice and quick way of moving, he did was twelfth-step myself, praying sober eleven years. One of the pulled me after him into AA as a to my God for help and understand- of Step meetings, intergroup reprehardest-working AAs I know.” powerful magnet draws a particle of ing, praying this would never hap- sentative, public speaker, conven- “Don’t tell me. He’s the guy that iron filing. He told me what to do, pen to me. My sponsor never made it tion platform headliner, and all the brought me into the program. And and I did it without question or back to the program. rest, I got drunk. The reasons are not now he’s the one who needs help.” hesitation. 1 was entirely ready, and Later, 1 went out several times on pertinent to this story. The way I was There is a long silence. Then, whatever lengths he demanded of Twelfth Step calls to “veterans” twelfth-stepped back into AA is. perplexed, bewildered, Fred says, me, I went to willingly. (A year later, who, after six, eight, even twelve Maybe it offers one clue, one way of “But what are you going to say to I discovered he was a “by the book” years of AA sobriety, had gotten handling a drunk old-timer, and him? What can you say? What can guy, and everything he told me was drunk and were desperately seeking others may find it useful when they you do? George has more years in straight from the Big Book.) I built a their way back. Some made it. Too face the task. AA than you and 1 have combined.” special pedestal for him in my hall of many didn’t. And despite these ex- I had left the country and buried “I don’t know. Pray, I guess. heroes. periences, 1 still didn’t know what to myself at what I was sure was the end C’mon, let’s go.” I had four years of sobriety and say or do. of the world, where I would never be There is probably no more vexing, was living in another city when he Then came my turn. found. I didn’t go with the idea of disturbing problem in AA than what (my sponsor and hero) showed up at After years of sobriety as a leader drinking, but to escape other prob-

lems, which were beyond resolving. I words “It’s the local clubroom for searched his face and his smile in- said, “Would you please help me get fled to a foreign country, to a tiny AAs.” And he continued walking tently, looking for a sign of into a hospital so I can dry out? It’ll village where there was no AA but away. smugness, cleverness, or triumph. I take medical help. I’ll never be able lots of drunks. 1 joined them. Slowly, I got out of the car and found only love and understanding. to cold-turkey alone.” Then one day, coming out of the followed him-mainly, I guess, be- And still not a word from him. Five days later, still shaky as a little market by the plaza with my cause it didn’t seem to matter one “Sam,” 1 said, “you know what I newborn colt, I appeared at the front half gallon of rum, 1 looked up and way or the other to Sam whether I need now? Really need?” door of that building that looked into the face of an AA member from followed. “What?” like a home, knocked, and entered. I my own city back in the U.S.-a Inside, the room was typical AA. “I’ve got to have a drink.” walked up to the first person I saw man I’d known well. 1scurried away On one wall was a large poster with “Okay,” he replied, “let’s get you and said, “Hello, my name’s Woody like a mouse running from a tomcat. the Twelve Steps. Another held a one.” and I’m an alcoholic. I would like to Of course, he found out where 1 poster with the Twelve Traditions. We got me one. We got me many be a member of AA.” lived, and he “dropped by just to say Other signs with AA slogans dotted that night on the town, and not once I was home again. hello.” the walls. Sam was busy in one cor- did Sam mention my drinking, AA, So maybe that’s one way to Then began his strange way of ner, talking quietly with several men or anything remotely connected with twelfth-step an old-timer. Maybe twelfth-stepping me. He did it with and women. No one paid any atten- my drinking. you don’t have to say anything. Just silence. Total silence regarding my tion to me. Nobody spoke to me. Sam twelfth-stepped me with expose him to what he’s left and lost. drinking. Defiantly, I made and Not even “hello.” silence. Silence that let all my Chances are, he’ll know what to say gulped a drink in front of him. It 1 sat down, alone, far removed memories of the good years in AA and what to do better than you. It’s provoked no comment. Not even a from the others. My eyes lifted to the flood back into my heart and an approach that can work. glance of surprise or dismay. He poster carrying the Twelve Steps. I overflow down my cheeks. It did for me. merely said, “I’m going into – [a began to read them, saying .the The next day, 1 went to Sam and W. C., Ajijic, Mexico major city some distance away]. words silently to myself. 1 felt tears How about coming along? We’ll fill my eyes, brim over, and trickle have a night on the town, hit all the down my cheeks. I made no effort to joints and nightclubs.” 1 agreed. stop the tears, wipe them away, or When we drove into the city, Sam disguise them. 1 wept silently. said in a casual way, “Do you mind? Then Sam was standing in front of I’ve got to stop at this place on some me. “Okay, I’m finished. Let’s go.” business. It’ll only take a couple of He saw my tears but said nothing. minutes. Okay?” Back in the car, he kept his eye on “Sure,” I slurred, already half- the road and kept his silence. Tears bombed. continued to wet my cheeks. Finally, We pulled up in front of a building I turned to him. “Sam.” that looked like someone’s home. He looked at me briefly, then “Want to come in with me? 1’11 only turned his attention back to the trafbe a minute,” he said. fic. “Yeah?” Suspicion crept into me. “Wha’s I said, “You s.0.b. You know this place?” what you’ve just done to me. You Sam was already out of the car. know damn well.” Over his shoulder, he tossed the Sam looked at me again, smiling. I

November 1978

Old in years, young in AA From North Hollywood, Calif.: The article “How and Why AA Grows” by R. P. in the August Grapevine should be required reading for AA members. I was particularly interested in a review of how some groups form because of a commonality in addition to alcoholism. A. listing of examples ended with “etc., etc.” I’d like to comment about one of those “etc.” Our newly formed Golden Years Group is probably the first group organized to provide closer identification for senior-citizen newcomers to AA. It is, as all open AA meetings are, available to recovering alcoholics of any age. Our group is growing, but it can never get too large, since we find that elderly newcomers hunger for small meetings where they are not overwhelmed by numbers, boisterous youth, inability to hear, and difficulty in breathing through tobacco smoke. c. c.

December 1979

out.” Because it has. Only you get starting writing the Big Book, he lent How to Tell panicky thinking you should now know how this thing works. It takes Bill the pen.” And you hope that someday someone will be saying something when You’re an a while to get over that idea. Once you’ve become an old-timer, like that about you, because inside, about all you can look forward to is where it counts, you know you’ve becoming a really old old-timer. To- gotten so many benefits, such good day, some kid looks in awe at an old feelings from this program, that beold-timer and asks you, “How long ing a really old old-timer wouldn’t has he been around?” be so bad after all. And you say, “When Bill W. R. P., Milwaukee, Wis. You know you’re getting there, too, when the people you sponsor say, “You’re like a father to me.” Sometimes, you want to hit them, but you know they mean well. I T’S EASY enough to tell when you’re getting old; for a start, you prefer to call it middle-aged. But You know for sure you’re an oldtimer when-this is what happened to me-you’re sitting at a meeting you know you’ve had it, for exam- and listening to this young person ple, when you’re waiting at the bus talk, and he says, “This old-timer stop and thinking about this nice told me . . .” And suddenly, you young lady standing there, and when realize without any doubt that he’s the bus arrives, she stands aside to let quoting some particular advice you you get on first. Or young people call gave him. you “sir” or “mister.” You’re get- You’ve been working away at the ting old. program, doing the usual jobs, be- Being an AA old-timer, though, is ing secretary, GSR, all that, sponanother trip altogether. You need to soring, starting groups, only you be old (today, anything over thirty- never gave it too much thought. You five qualifies), and you need to have just did it. You never thought you’d put in some time on the program. get to be an old-timer. But now, sud- You might begin to suspect you’re denly, you are. inching into old-timer status if, say, You begin to feel you should you’re at a meeting and the secretary know something, have some solid is late and everybody automatically answers, now that you are an oldlooks at you to start the meeting. It’s timer, but you know that you don’t. a nice feeling, of course, but there’s When you really boil it down, about a tinge of uneasiness mixed in with all you can say is: “Don’t drink, and it. go t o meetings, and it’ll all work

October 1980

countless thousands who no longer participate with any regularity; many, not at all. What causes an alcoholic to move away from the Fellowship that transformed his life? With the evidence from so many members whose “retirement” from AA has been followed by drunkenness, why would anyone take the

F RANK LIVES in a suburb of Chicago. He took his last drink in September 1955. “I came around “I’m still willing t o make Twelfth Step calls,” these alcoholics say. “I’m always ready to carry the chance? What causes dwindling interest? Finally, what can I do to keep from becoming a disappearing old- AA in 1952,” he said, “but it took message.” timer? I discussed this with a number Where me three years to figure out that I wasn’t s u ~ ~ o s e toddrink. I’m still in The obvious response to that is: What message? The message that of AA friends and found their ideas interesting. Perhaps you will, too. What’s an old-timer? One defini- Are the AA today,-because it gives me those things I want and never could find anywhere else.” after a while we no longer need to participate in the Fellowship that saved our lives? The message that tion is: an alcoholic who has been sober so long, he’s afraid the new Old- Frank is that relatively rare member of Alcoholics Anonymous: a gratitude is simply a word? That we have no continuing commitment to man might throw up on him. Regardless of how the term is defined, Timers? person with many years of sobriety who remains active. He goes to show up at a group every week to help keep AA alive? the members quoted here are sober anywhere from nineteen years to meetings, works with other alcohol- Today, there are many men and more than thirty. ics, keeps working the Twelve Steps, women in our Fellowship sober for For example, Dennis lives in and retains an awareness of precisely substantial periods of time. I know another Chicago suburb and has why he found freedom from his kill- many of these nondrinking alcohol- been sober since October 1959. He ing compulsion to drink. ics in various sections of the United says, “The founder of my first AA Where do the others go, these men States and Canada; generally, they group died as a drinking suicide in a and women who sober up in AA and prove to be superb advertisements fleabag hotel, with a plastic bag over then, as their lives improve and they for what our program offers. They his head. He had been sober nearly begin to get the things they want, live constructively, meet problems twenty years. I never met him, disappear? Perhaps they keep some positively, and continue to demon- because he had quit going to contact with other AA members, but strate the effectiveness of the Twelve meetings by the time I came to the they give up regular group member- Steps. group. I remember wondering, when ship. On the other hand, there are I heard about his suicide, how a man

with that much time in AA could to drinking simply drifted away dull, repetitive, and dispensable. older (and this certainly doesn’t apreturn to drinking. from AA sober, just as I had. Either How often do we hear an AA with ply to me), his energy drops and he “Then, I answered my own ques- they never did much on the Steps or a substantial period of sobriety say, just naturally does less. That intion. With ten years of sobriety, I simply stopped working them after a “Man, I almost got drunk the other cludes AA. However, there’s still began to fall apart with depression time. Often today, I look around the day. I’d better go to more plenty he or she can do in the AA and fear, almost to the point of table at a meeting and wonder where meetings.” Meetings are important, community. I’ve known a number of suicide. I sought professional help the members are who sobered up in certainly, but if a longtime-sober members who gradually dropped out from psychiatrists, psychologists, 1955 or 1960, or ’65 or ’70. It seems AA is still that close to drinking, and stayed sober. In the process, and group therapy and only got t o me that the problem is often a there’s some work in the Twelve they’ve lost their zest for life, and I more depressed and fearful. I finally failure to continue working the Steps that he has missed. think it’s because they’ve quit givconcluded that AA had failed me. Twelve Steps and thereby experience For many AAs who stay active, it ing.” Bob lives in a Texas communi- Fortunately, I ran into an AA with the fulfillment this provides.” seems to be easy. “I just like what ty that he modestly describes as more than thirty years on the pro- As Dennis suggests, perhaps a ma- I’m doing,” explained Bob, sober “The AA Capital of the World.” gram, who pointed out that I had jor reason for an old-timer’s disap- since 1954. “I like the AA people Bob brings up what is surely one never worked the Twelve Steps and pearance is dwindling interest and and stay in AA because it’s more fun of the fundamental points in any so had missed the whole program. enjoyment in AA. That would be a than any other way of life I know. question of remaining active in With ten years of sobriety, I started predictable result of continuing The only manifestation of gratitude Alcoholics Anonymous: gratitude. writing Fourth Steps, taking Fifth sobriety without continuing growth. that makes sense to me is to devote Drunks who come to AA with a Steps, making direct amends. Sur- Twenty years of sobriety that con- some of my time, energy, money, in- sincere desire to stop drinking and prisingly quickly, my depression and sists of one year’s experience twenty terest, and enthusiasm to the thing willingness to follow directions fears began to disappear.” times is boring. Without the spark that made all of this possible. It begin to stay sober and have the op- Dennis has been working the Steps generated by regular use of all seems to me that the AA members portunity to remain sober for the on a continuous basis since that time Twelve Steps, there’s a good chance who remain active have made the rest of their lives, one day at a time. and says, “I believe that many of the that meetings, conferences, and AA way of life their lives.” There is nothing else available to an men and women I have seen return other activities will begin to seem ‘ He continued, “As a person gets alcoholic that provides these kinds

of results. Nothing! Common sense I’ll learn these lessons by reworking I can meet the injunction on page 77 help an old-timer on the verge of says that the easiest and most ob- the Twelve Steps, all of them. And in of the Big Book: ‘Our real purpose is disappearing to see that what he’s vious form of repayment is simply to the process, my life will be so inter- to fit ourselves to be of maximum leaving is far more attractive than remain a part of the Fellowship that esting, I’ll have to stay active in AA service to God and the people about what he’s pursuing.” created this change. However, alco- because, obviously, nothing else us.’ By this kind of example, we may P. M., Riverside, Ill. holics are not noted for common could equal its enjoyment.” sense and have a far greater capacity An AA member sober more than for self-centeredness than for thirty years adds, “I agree with what This is nof the kind of old-timer gratitude. Frank, Dennis, Bob, and Gardner who does not attend meetings An AA who is sober since 1961 say about our disappearing oldadds his thoughts to the question of timers. It raises the question of what disappearing old-timers. Gardner I can do about it. It took me a while lives in still another Chicago suburb. He travels in his work, may stay in a to recognize that AA does contain the answers I need for living the rest Still Active community for as long as a year, and of my life. After sobering up, I spent goes to AA meetings in these towns. years looking at ‘advanced’ ap- He says, “Almost without excep- proaches. With depressing contion, I hear about good old so-and- fidence, I could talk at exhausting so who started the group and has been sober some twenty-five years. length about the difference between Zen and Yoga meditation, the teach- B Y SOME people’s standards, I guess I could be considered an old-timer in AA. I am an old-timer them to our meeting. We had to, to have enough for a meeting. Not many of them came back for the next But I never get to meet good old so- ings of the Desert Fathers, the in age; but I am still learning, thanks meeting, but many did come back and-so, because he doesn’t come to Hesychast tradition in medieval to my Higher Power, which I call months and years later. meetings anymore. He has gone on Christianity, the practices of Tibetan God. In the early days, most groups to other interests. This tendency for mysticism. No matter that my ego- Men and women coming into AA spent most of the time on the First longtime AA people to disappear tistical myopia afflicted my listeners today seem to think AA was always and Twelfth Steps. I know now why makes me a bit anxious. Is there with terminal boredom. we weren’t very successful. I had to the way it is now. But it wasn’t. (And something, or some other program, “Eventually, I grasped the truth things were different outside AA, get myself straightened out before I that serves a higher purpose for the in the last paragraph of the story in too. When I came in, there were no could help someone else. Sobriety is drunk than the Twelve Steps of AA? the Big Book titled ‘Freedom From detox centers, for instance. Alcohol- much more than just putting the “I like the feeling of being a stu- Bondage’: ‘I get everything I need in ism was not as yet declared a disease; cork in the bottle. I am glad we are dent with all the others in AA meet- Alcoholics Anonymous-everything it was strictly a moral issue; drunks not where we were more than thirty ings. And when one of the thought- I need I get – and when I get what I could quit anytime they wanted to, years ago. It is indeed a joy to me to ful comments in a meeting comes need I invariably find that it was just people thought.) see the young people coming into from what turns out to be an old- what I wanted all the time.’ Our Eleventh Tradition says this is our Fellowship. timer, who is still excited about “It’s my responsibility to remain a a program of attraction rather than It is said a person has to hit botlearning and sharing just like all of useful member of AA by persistent promotion. But when Bill talked to tom before our program will take us students, I think I have my work with the Steps, which will keep the patient in the hospital, he was hold. Maybe that is true – but we answer. Everything I need to know me in condition to carry the message promoting his ideas. When we don’t have to wait until a person has for living a productive, sane life, I’ll to another alcoholic as well as live ef- started our group in a Midwestern lost everything. We can “bring the find by staying a student in the com- fectively and joyously. With this city, we went in barrooms and bottom” to the alcoholic by telling munity of Alcoholics Anonymous. kind of commitment to the program, literally dragged men out and took our stories. I know of a considerable

number of people in AA, with long years when I realized I had a Godperiods of happy, contented sobri- given gift: I didn’t have to attend ety, who did not intend to quit drink- meetings anymore; I was going ing when they did. I do not com- because I wanted to. When I debate pletely subscribe to the saying “This with myself about attending now, I is a program for those that want it, think that someone may say somenot all those who need it.” thing I need, and if I’m not there, I I am not the kind of old-timer who will miss it and never have a chance does not attend meetings – who to hear it again. says, “1 found it. You find it.” I at- I put money in the basket at every tended the International Convention AA meeting I attend. I want a place at Toronto in 1960. The theme was for others to come to when they are “I Am Responsible.” I believe that. ready to try our Fellowship. I I attend three or four meetings a remember where I came from, and week. I was in AA for a number of with the help of AA and all these

January 1981

painfully forward of me to mutter, Bob and Bill and a thousand other The Novelty Sobriety often inaudibly, the first names of men who were old enough to be my mementos of the giants who pioneered our Fellowship. grandfathers! When comparisons The novelty of my sobriety is perwere made of their alcoholic suffer- petual, full of delight and intrinsic ing and my ten years of terror, my wonder. I am equally blessed by a timidity vanished. With each wife who still says it’s wonderful to

I S OBRIETY IN AA is a wonderful novelty at first. But as years go by, the glow of novelty may be smiles to wonder for the zillionth time, “Can this be true?” What merit have I ever had to earn the Twelfth Step, with talks at meetings as they formed, with every pamphlet, article, and short story I see me sober, and shows she means it by the love in her eyes as she helps me off with my jacket before setting eclipsed by the stealthy shadow of depth of life, adventure, pioneering, wrote, this age barrier gradually be- out the food that, thanks to AA, I monotony, which subtly takes you and unmitigated joy that God has came nonexistent. I was caught up in can now eat. into the dark world of a dry drunk. given to me since that first letter I an exhilarating, glorious quest that I have been through valleys of de- I must confess that I am a “timer” wrote to New York in 1947? made me insatiable. Through celes- pression, when I almost allowed the in AA. I can’t fit into the mantle of I am always secretly warmed by tial alchemy, God had transmuted monotony of sobriety, with its “old-timer” any more comfortably the fact that I was twenty-five years my leaden life of self-destruction shotgun rider, self-pity, to dry-gulch than I could, with control and dig- old when the marvelous help reached into the pure gold of AA. me. I kept making comparisons with nity, sip half a tumblerful of neat me, here in South Africa, from AA 1 had not a thought that I was any- others who had enough money to go brandy at 5:00 AM to get steady headquarters in New York. As the body special. It only struck me, on to America to conventions and come enough to try to shave! . groups formed here, I felt slightly intermittent occasions, that a liabili- back glowing at what they had seen On January I, 1980,I tiptoed into smug and many times awkward, be- ty had paradoxically become my and heard. I ached to get across for my thirty-second year of sobriety, cause all the new members were so greatest asset. I felt wanted and years, but that golden eagle just kept pausing between tears and joyous much older than I was. It seemed needed with such intensity, that I out of my clutching fingertips. To even resented going to sleep and hav- pull out of this, there was one sure ing to work. The word “liberation” way – Twelfth Step and more only flicked the surface of what I Twelfth Step. I would force my mind felt. to dwell on the full pack of cigarettes In the past, when funds permitted, in my pocket – on the two pairs of I drank South African Cape brandy good shoes, instead of one falling with a dash of lime juice. This, I apart -on the blessing of waking up swore, kept my hair from turning knowing where I had been last night gray, thinning, or falling out. That is and what had been said. So why I have today three and a half monotony was replaced by the magic slightly faded black hairs. Hence, I of the God-given novelty of sobrikid myself, no way can I be called an ety. The Serenity Prayer was the old-timer. Of course, I run the risk catalyst always. of being called a two-timer if 1 stub- There is no monotony in this bornly resist the prefix “old.” I still “timer’s” sobriety now, only the like to think there are not many perpetual novelty of sobriety in our around with my record (watch it!). beloved Fellowship. Among my treasures are letters from P.0’F., Wynberg, South Africa

September 1981

– — Where are you? From Queens, N.Y .: I have a resentment against you old-timers who sit back and no longer share, whether in a speaking

commitment or one-to-one. Some of you fill me with envy when you speak of “the good old days” when, of course, old-timers participated and were a great part of the Fellowship. I know AA has changed over the years, with younger people coming in and more dual addiction. We’re growing and reaching out to more and more. So our need for your wisdom and support is great. But you are not here. Have you somehow forgotten the Twelfth Step? Only a handful show us what quality sobriety is. These people still, thank God, share and give back to their program all that they have received. They have taught me to find something positive in every situation. You old-timers are a powerful power of example for me. I don’t ever want to turn my back on AA and stop giving to this program tbat has given me my life. A. S.

June 1982

where the group chairman had em- that, I never would have thought of. phasized the necessity of ending on Tips from their experiences eased me For Beginners- time. This, ironically, had been decided so that the cars of the first over those hard first days of trying not to drink. “Pick up the phone and meeting would be out of the parking lot before the next set of cars needed before you pick up a drink.” “Take a bath.” for Myself the spaces. Even AA meetings are affected and altered by our sober afflu- Their understanding of my struggles and, at beginners meetings, their ence. intelligent sharing of the ways they ings, I scrupulously left before the As I started to go around the room had gotten to their happy, sober “big” and “important” meeting giving everyone in turn a chance to state, slowly and steadily gave me my began. I didn’t know I could stay on. speak, an old-timer said, “I’d like to own foundation in AA. I suppose I felt I’d had all the AA I suggest that since time is limited, you And now, as leader, I am often not deserved for one night. Happily, call only on the newcomers -at first, even able to identify the beginners in someone soon set me straight, telling anway.” a room full of recovering alcoholics. me to stay and get all I could in one Well! Then how could 1 know who needs to night. Sharing my experience, I had to say talk, who wants to share, or who is Two-meeting nights were special to that when 1 was a newcomer, it was hurting? How could I know who will me, because in those early days, I the “older” people at these meetings, say the one thing that someone else lived in pain and my only hour of ease those with more sobriety, who taught needs to hear? was at a meeting; two in one night me this program. They showed me So I call on each person in turn to gave me a whole evening of comfort. how to stay sober a day or a few speak, because I think we are all Then, too, I needed both the begin- minutes at a time. My fellow begin- beginners in AA each day, learning ners, with newly hatched AAs like ners, like me, knew only how to anew that we don’t have to drink I me, and the regular speaker or discus- drink. We cried on each other’s today. We have always been told that sion meeting that followed. Together, shoulders, and we became close and there is no graduation from AA, and they gave me a view of what sobriety loving friends; but we didn’t know I think that means no exclusion from Old-timers have might someday be for me. how to live without a drink. being a beginner and sharing at a A day at a time, I got better and Just listening to the often-incoher- beginners meeting. I know I need to much to share sober. Now, I sometimes get to lead hear again and again the simple sloent ramblings (like my own) of fellow at beginners meetings those precious beginners meetings. It beginners alone wouldn’t have taught gans and the program basics — “one is a tremendous privilege to be trusted me much. The “old” members who day at a time”; “It’s the fwst drink to guide the newest members, to see came to these meetings were the ones that gets you drunk” – that are the I N OUR AREA and in my group, we have beginners meetings. When I was a beginner, these were smallish the miracle of AA begin anew. Like all AA meetings in this area, these meetings, once so small and intimate, 1 listened to with all the attention I could manage. And they knew exactmeat of a beginners meeting. I need to hear them, and I need to say them aloud – for myself. “Don’t meetings, where things were said ly what to say and when to say it. T o have grown in attendance as more this day, I remember some of the drink, and go to meetings.” I go to simply and where I felt secure. They and more new people seek what we beginners meetings when I can and were held, and still are, just before indispensable little hints: “Carry have. hard candy with you all the time at share at them as best I can, for the be the regular group meetings. Recently, I had the pleasure of ginner, certainly, but for myself, W, first”; “Go home from work by a At my first few beginners meet- leading a large beginners meeting different route, not past the bar” – A. M.,White P&&, &Y. . ..P

July 1 9 8 2

An Old-Timer Opens Up

I ‘VE CONSIDERED myself an active AA member and worker for the past ten years of continuous sobriety person – a newcomer, I might add – discussed some of his newfound feelings, 1 raised my hand. And I just (not counting the eight years before, seemed to open up at all seams. 1 with one five-year period of admitted my gut-level loneliness, sobriety). Since 1 came into AA, depression, irritability, and just plain groups here have started beginners heartsickness. I cried awhile and felt meetings, where advice and shared as if I had exposed my whole being. experiences can put a really new light Then, I found I was getting supon things. port from the newcomers as well as This year, for some reason, I the older members. And when the seemed to develop an allergy or sinus meeting ended – guess what! My condition, causing me much discom- head was as clear as a bell, and I fort. I became grouchy, nitpicking on haven’t had that closed-in feeling people and meetings, full of self-pity. since. I had a constant buzzing in my head I’ve started working on new and a pressure that wouldn’t go away Fourth and Fifth Steps, and I am with any medication (which 1 have to amazed at the change of attitude, watch closely). changed sense of values, and new One night, as I was riding to a ideas that come to me. Now, 1 feel I meeting with a dear friend, I started really have something to share. It’s a my usual complaining, and he very relief to be freed from old ideas. The calmly said, “1 think you need to talk barriers to bringing them up-to-date tonight.” have fallen. It was a closed discussion, not So, newcomers, please remember exactly a closet where I could let that we old-timers really need you! everything hang out. But after one B. M., Louisville, Ky.

September 1982

L AST YEAR, on October 31, New York Intergroup gave its annual dinner honoring Bill W.’s AA birth- The New York Hilton Hotel understands how to handle big crowds. The Intergroup Dinner Committee was for one, couldn’t stay on the wagon more than a week. Believe me, you younger ones: If we could do it, you day in advance. If he had been alive, heroic, having sweated for ten can do it, too. December 11 would have seen the months over the preparations. All the The VIP Room is where banquet start of his fortyeighth sober year! Intergroup people were on hand to speakers and special guests are assem- Intergroup was celebrating the com- welcome us. They wore name badges bled, so that they can be sorted out pletion of its own thirty-fifth year. and steered us through the happy and marched onto the stage in the A banquet honoring , And on top of all that, Intergroup mob waiting outside the dining hall. right order. There was a long row of old-timers ,

was kind enough to honor the real We old folks were adroitly zigzagged hard chairs marked with our names. old-timers in the area, those moss- through over two thousand hellos, There was also a gigantic coffeepot, spurred memories covered monuments like me who hugs, and how-are-yous, hearing joy- so of course we all milled around of old times have been sober thirty years and ful laughter and shrieks of reunion. that. We drank coffee like mad, and more. We were taken clear back to what we all met old friends we hadn’t seen There were, in all, 2,500 people at the Hilton, alas, calls the VIP Room. in years. the dinner. And thirty of us old- We old old-timers are not VIPs. We By and by, Lois W., Bill’s widow, timers were in good enough shape to are just like anybody else in AA. arrived in a wheelchair- not because come and sit on the dais, in a long We’ve stayed sober on the program she couldn’t walk, but she is ninetyrow in front of the speakers9 table. twenty-four hours at a time, while I, one and tiny. When I started toward

-‘ Lois, she saw me coming. She waved younger, and a whole lot of them are attention business, when you half But lying in bed, waiting for sleep, I and said, “Why, hello, F .- How two generations younger. They are hear spoken words and your mind is had to smile. “After all,” 1 told mygreat to see you!” She hadn’t seen me perfectly wonderful to me. They help on something else. self, “you weren’t very important up in quite a number of years. She goes me up and down steps, which is un- I thought, “Maybe this man is hav- there. It’s conceivable that nobody to conventions all over this country necessary, but so sweet of them. They ing a heart attack. I’ll have to do noticed you at all.” and abroad. She has been greeted by also bring me coffee, and someone something right away.” I turned to And then, I remembered another tens of thousands of people. And always gets up to give me the one the man on my left and whispered, banquet in another ballroom long, here she knows me right away! I have comfortable chair. I love it. But “Aren’t you a friend of his? Didn’t long ago. That time, I was wnspicunever had a memory like that! often, when I’m alone at home, I you come here together? Change ous. I was very, very drunk and wm- At a given moment, Intergroup think about the old faces, to say noth- places with me. He’s sick. He needs pletely out of hand. people went around and said to us all, ing of my old friends. Most of them help.” The occasion was a newspaper kindly but firmly: “Please go and sit are gone, and oh Lord, how I miss Under the circumstances, it wasn’t editors’ dinner, also in New York. in the chair with your name on it.” them. They’ve left a hole as big as the surprising that this nice fellow was Wendell Willkie was to be the main They wanted to be sure we would . moon. slow on the uptake. I couldn’t get him speaker. At dinner, the wine flowed walk out and take our seats in the The man sitting on my right at the to move. So I stood up and said, freely. There had been cocktails right order. And we obediently did. dinner was great fun to talk to. But he “Please! Change places with me right Now, I am not used to doing any- was small and silver-haired and rather now! Please! I tell you, he’s sick.” thing at all with 2,500 pairs of eyes frail. “Does my smoking bother He moved, and I breathed a sigh of fastened upon me. I thought of my you?” I asked him. relief. I was able to hear the last of beloved friend and sponsor, Marty “Not at all.” The place was well H.’s talk and enjoy his reminiscences, M. Countless times, that dear old air-conditioned. “But I did have a which I had shared as one of the war-horse spoke in front of thou- lung operation,” he added. 1 extin- founders of the St. Nicholas Group. sands of people without turning a guished my cigarette. My old gentleman and his friend hair. As I walked onstage, I thought, When the talks began, my new kept their seats, so I knew things “Oh Marty, if you were only here to friend dropped his head, closed his weren’t too bad. I was able to concenhelp me!” I tried to walk as if 1 had a eyes, and rested his forehead on his trate on the third speaker’s talk. He heavy jar of water on my head. How I hands. I noticed that his breathing , said, among other things, that we before that. I drank everything I wished that I could put my thumb had become labored. “Are you all weren’t VIPs just because we were up could get my hands on. . under my sagging chin and hold it up. right?” I whispered. on the dais – that the most impor- I sat next to a beautiful and famous Then, at least from a distance, I “Compared to what?” he asked tant person in the whole room was the woman, who was done up in an exwould look reasonably well-pre- me. He was obviously in distress. I man or woman who was the most pensive evening dress and wearing a served. was alarmed. recently sober – sober for a day – lot of fabulous jewelry. I said to her, We were seated, and hundreds of Nell Wing spoke first; she isn’t an sober for an hour. “What’s the most exciting thing in waiters put coffeepots on every table. alcoholic, but she has sewed AA for That night, after I got home, I sud- your life?” I was cheered by the fact that the thirty-five years, as Bill W.’s secre- denly thought, “Why, you darned Her face lit up, and she said, “My three speakers were all my friends. I tary and currently as AA archivist. old fool, you stood up and gesticulat- race horses. I love them. I love to began having a wonderful time. The Then came H. U.; I remember him as ed in the middle of a talk. You made a watch them work. I love it when they men on either side of me were in my -oneof the first members of an inter- mini-scene in front of twenty-five run.” age group. It’s a treat to see people racial group in Harlem a long time hundred observers! You could have I cut her short. “Come c l w , my age in AA. Up here where I live, ago. I’m going to have to listen to explained the situation quietly to that doll,” I told her. “What about your almost everybody is a generation tapes of both talks -it’s that divided man while simply keeping your seat.” sex life?”

Without a word, she moved her She said it must have taken a lot of chair around, so that her back was to courage to write that apology. She me, and began talking to the person never knew that it wasn’t courage, on her other side. but rather a desperate need to make That did not dampen my spirits at amends. all. “Get her,” I told the world in I am humbly grateful that I am in a general, in a carrying voice. “She’s wonderful, sui generis organization stuck-up, that’s what she is. Just that has saved my life, restored me to because she invented a face cream.” sanity, and given me a chance to stay My poor editor-relative, alerted by sober, to grow in spirit, to stretch my this maxi-scene, got a woman pho- mind, and to give of myself to others. tographer on her paper to lead me out (I heard that expression “sui generis” of the room. I went swaying past all and thought I’d use it to impress you the tables, hardly able to walk. This kids. It means one of a kind – nothgal had me firmly by the elbow. In the ing else like it.) ladies’ room, she said to me, “Come Lucky was the day that my psychion. I’m taking you home.” I don’t atrist, who had tried for several years remember what I said – but I went to sober me up, heard Bill W. address back to my seat. Some man was mak- a group of doctors. She finally pering a speech. suaded me to go down to the Alco- The next day, my unhappy relative holic Foundation on Vesey Street in called me in mid-morning, when I the Wall Street section, and have a was enjoying one gorgeous hangover. talk with Bill. (The foundation was “Who was that man up there talk- the forerunner of the AA General ing?” I asked her. Service Board.) I went there fright- “Wendell Willkie. He’s running ened and ashamed, and came out for president, remember?” with hope in my heart. “Oh, that’s right,” I said. Bill and I became good friends. But “Remember anything else? ” in all the years I knew him, 1 never “Vaguely.” saw him go on an ego trip. He was But my heart seemed to tighten up. just plain Bill to us all. He said that I began remembering, only too well. I finding Dr. Bob and working with had stolen the show. Fear and shame him was simply an act of desperation. and remorse flooded me. He had to carry the message to stay Today, I feel very grateful and sober. Though I have far less cause humble. Years later, I was able to for conceit than Bill, I do try, a day at write the beautician lady an apology a time, to emulate his humility. and tell her that I was now in AA. I They say that gratitude and humilwas rather surprised to get a letter in ity are two parts of the same thing. reply, a beautiful letter in which she And I believe this with all my heart. said that she understood perfectly. F. M.,New Canaan, Conn.

How AA grows J a n u a r y 1983

‘Are Few

S 0 OFTEN, I run across friends who have been active in AA for many years and tell me that they parties concerned. Why not start a new, completely autonomous group? Such an action does not destroy AA, don’t go to meetings anymore, as many seem to believe, but helps it because the group has changed and grow. In my little town (with a poputhey no longer enjoy the meetings. lation of approximately 5,000), we Out here, it has always been a had one group, which met three nights saying that if someone comes out of a a week. Now, we have added another meeting feeling lower than when he group. It meets on a different night, so went in, there is something wrong newcomers have four meetings. with either him or the meeting. If he When 1 was new in AA, I used to checks with some of his friends, he travel seventy miles to the closest may find that many of them are also meeting. Helping ourselves by startunhappy with the new course that the ing a second group, we have also meetings are taking. helped newcomers by providing an Here in the West, one cannot extra meeting each week. I cannot simply pick up and go to another think of a better way of practicing the meeting. There usually is only one Twelfth Step. Besides, old-timers meeting in each town, though the need meetings just as much. Once larger cities may have several groups. they quit going to meetings, the So what is a person to do? He could chance of falling into a final drunk try to change the meetings, with the gets higher each day. help of a few friends, but would that If you are sitting at home getting be fair to the people who are happy your AA solely from the Grapevine, with the group as it is? get off your duff, call your friends, Perhaps there is a better answer, and start a new group! one that would be a benefit to all S. K., Thermopolis, Wyo.

October 1983

the help of wiser AA heads, I was able to de-emphasize myself as a victim and focus instead on making the apartment more secure. I shifted the emphasis from reacting to the situation to taking action to correct the situation. The same approach can be used to stabilize pleasant feelings. Getting a pay raise would be an example. It would be normal to want to celebrate; but for me, celebration meant only one thing when I was out there – a thing that doesn’t work anymore. The shift, then, before I became too involved with the idea of celebration, would be away from money for its own sake to money as an enhancement of my new life.

Ik Emphasis Receiving a compliment is a very pleasant experience, but for a long time after coming into AA, I had trouble accepting compliments. Either I felt I did not deserve them and reacted sarcastically, or I allowed them to go to my head and played the big shot. Along the way, I learned

I F THERE IS any one secret of longevity in AA, it is to be found in the refinement of time that we call ful of the AA sayings for me. Along the way, I learned another secret of sobriety, one that a fellow road but shift into different gears to meet different traffic situations. Some years ago, my apartment was that a sure preventive of big-shotism lay in practicing the shift from dwelling on myself to carrying the our twenty-four-hour program. In AA called “shifting the emphasis.” burglarized, and my sobriety was put message to other alcoholics. Regular the beginning, twenty-four hours was For instance, when the going gets to the test. With a lot of help, I was speaking dates at institutions and much too long for me to stay away rough, when that shoelace suddenly able to shift the emphasis from the eventually chairing an institution from one drink. Older, wiser AAs breaks, I can help to protect my sani- panic of the problem to the joyful meeting can go a long way toward told me of an even further refinement ty by shifting the emphasis away amazement of my beginnings in AA. eliminating big-shot-ism. of time. They suggested that if twenty- from the distress of the moment and But my effort had only short-lived A classic illust12tion of the dynafour hours was too long, 1 could do it onto a comforting feeling, say, success. I had to shift on still another mism of shifting was used by an AA for twelve hours, six hours, five min- gratitude for my sobriety. (It is level in order to deal with the growing man I knew a number of years ago. utes – but start it right now! Those virtually impossible to be angry and fantasy that I had been singled out for harassment – 1 was a marked He was not unlike Bill W.’s Ebby suggestions paid off, and “just for grateful at the same time.) As in he had a powerful message but had today” finally became the most use- driving a car, I can stay on the same person – I was undone! Again, with trouble listening to himself. Others of

us listened, however, and learned emotions as fear, anger, guilt, and from him. Whenever the subject of jealousy is that they blind me; and in the predictability of drinking behav- my blindness, I might well move a ior would come up, and all of us step closer to the kind of stinking would say that we knew what would thinking that could lead me back to happen if we were to drink again, he the first drink. would shift the emphasis. “I don’t I used to imagine myself a great know what will happen if I pick up a thinker. If there was something to be drink,” he would say, “but I do done, something that required acknow what will happen if I don’t pick tion, I had to sit down and think it up a drink.” By shifting from the through carefully. Some of my most unknown to the known, he was able profound thinking was done at the to verbalize a profound reality. Un- bar. Early in my AA life, I heard fortunately, he could not deal with something that threw a bright light on the substance of his own reality and that old con game of mine. Somecontinued to relapse. body told my thinking story and said A common event during the first that he no longer thought his way into year in AA is falling in love. Roman- action but now, thanks to AA, acted tic love is one of the most powerful his way into thinking – an illustraand unreasoning of emotions. It lifts tion of one of the more subtle types us to the heights; it plummets us to of shifting. the depths; and as alcoholics, we The most basic shifting of emphaknow that practically all of the bar- sis, of course, had to be done at the rooms in the world were built at those outset of my new way of life. There two extremities. It is not easy or even could be nothing subtle about it and always desirable to seek the abate- nothing analytical about it. If I was to ment of love pangs. But I found that shift from drunkenness to sobriety, if I could shift the emphasis, even from a chaotic existence to sanity, I temporarily, to some form of Twelfth had to first put the cork in the bottle Step activity – perhaps a concentrat- and then rein in my emotions until I ed effort at picking up ashtrays – it could learn how to live with them. helped greatly in both leveling off eu- When we can bring our emotions into phoria and relieving anxiety. harmony with our thoughts, we will Emphasis shifting must be clearly have attained the kind of self-integradistinguished from reality dodging, tion that is sought by thinking, civilan art in which I was proficient in the ized people the world over. It is a goal old days. The object is not to hide, that not too many humans achieve; nor to shirk responsibility to myself but like our AA goal of spiritual or to others. What I do is try to gain progress, it is one that we can work time – time to develop a fresh per- toward, a day at a time. spective. The worst thing about such W.H., Manhattan, N.Y.

January 1984

W HERE W E R E they when I need- hurting, asking why, and not undered them? They were there. standing. And I would be getting Where were they when I felt like cry- drunk and not understanding why. ing? They were there. Where were So where am I? I have had to take a they when I felt like getting drunk in new look at myself and my willingthe middle of the night and needed ness to carry the program to the ncwsomeone to talk to? They were there. comer who is still hurting. I havc to Where were they for a meeting when look at myself and be willing to go to we needed to hear their stories any length if I want to keep what I (though they were probably tired of have. What I have is a gift from God, telling them)? They were there. and I can keep it only when I give i t And where was I? away. Recently, I have been complaining, So, Lord, forgive me for not doing along with many other old-timers, all that I should do for other alcothat the meetings are boring: I am holics. Please help me to be willing tired of living in the problem; I arn when I don’t feel willing. Please help tired of hearing the same stories; I am me to have a new interest in the lives tired of talking; 1 am getting nothing and feelings of others. Thank you for from the meetings; I feel like going on your many blessings. I do want to to something that I can get my teeth keep what I have, for it is the most into – something for me. valuable thing in the world. I t is all Now, where would I have been that I want out of life. All of the mawhen I was a new-timer if the old- terial things in the world could not retimers had felt that way and had not place the serenity I hat I feel when I been willing to give me what they had trust my life to you and work the gotten? 1 know where I would be. In- beautiful program for living that you stead of feeling the serenity that I feel have given. today, I would be going out of my Thank you for causing me to stop mind, drinking to escape my prob- and take another look at myself. lems, real or unreal. I would still be , J. H., Saltwr, 0ri.x.

March 1984

Eleven pages of

Old climers articles by and about long-sober members

In 1961, when I got to the States Then, I totter out to the kitchen, and heard about recovery homes and plug in the coffee, feed’l’all creatures Hanging In There treatment centers, I pooh-poohed the idea. “They’ll never make it. You great and small” (five cats, once strays, now beloved companions, and two dogs, likewise strays and devoted Together have to do it the hard way; you have to suffer through your own personal crucifixion.” Such arrogance! A few companions). While I’m doing those chores and the coffee is perking, I years later, 1 was joyously, happily look out the kitchen window. Again, housemother in a home for recover- 1 could shout my praise and gratitude ing women alcoholics, 1967-69. Some to God, for sparkling blue skies (they

W HEN I CAME on the program, in October 1956, it was in a foreign country, where there were no knew nothing of treatment centers or recovery homes. We all imagined this was how AA worked: I f we wanted to of “my girls” are still sober, and I’m still their loved “auntie.” You may think I’m still nutty as a are gray now, and it does look like snow) and for a little apricot tree, a thing of great beauty, glowing groups, no meeting place, no any- stay sober, we just had to sweat it out. fruitcake, but I’m so happy, so over- golden. Oh, thank God! There’s a thing much. A lady passing through So we sweated and prayed and hung joyed, so everything good, that I’m little story to my apricot tree. It’s five Venezuela on a visit carried the mes- in there. still on a gorgeous Cloud Nine. Now, or six years old, and’it sprout* from sage and “captured” five pigeons – I’d been drinking for twenty-eight that’s really something, isn’t it? Here a pit I spat out as I walked through three men, me, and one other years. Though I desperately wanted 1 am, nearly seventy-eight, poor as a the garden on the way to hang out woman. When our traveling lady de- what had been offered to me, I had a church mouse, housebound, and par- washing. When I saw that little seed, parted, she left five very dickery new few slips, overnight storms that drove tially disabled by a couple of strokes. sitting there beside the path, I members. The “oldest” was three me insane, fearing I had lost this My floor furnace won’t work; neither thought, “Well, God bless you! months dry. I was last, with a few wonderful new life. But 1 really will my electric fire; and I’m full of Maybe if I plant you right here, you weeks, barely dry between the ears, wanted sobriety with all my heart and the joys of spring, though it looks like will grow.” So I did, and it did, and still confused, and as nutty as a fruit- soul. So God gave me other chances. snow on the Sandia Mountains. The now I have all this beauty. I even had cake. Our only hope was in hanging 1 finally made it back to England, secret is that 1 begin my day, every quite a crop of apricots this year! in there together, writing a lot of silly, surrendered totally, found a group, day, with “Good morning, my God. I am blessed, too, with endless enincomprehensible questions to the and by the grace of God, have been Thank you for a wonderful night’s thusiasm for,the Fellowship of AA, AA General Service Office. We sober since December 28, 1958. Mir- sleep.” Thank God for the electric with its love, and with the joy of always got answers. Of course, we acles, miracles! blanket! being sober and alive. At a meeting, I

same – one drink away from a drunk 6 .

give my full name, say I am a re- drunken bitch,” as I was in the old thing that is a gift from God? How covered alcoholic, give my dry date, days, isn’t it? How good it is to be can one not be happy when those – regardless of how long we have aod tell the people, “If I can do it, free of arrogance, sarcasm, lying, material things, so long denied by J. been sober.” “When you point your anyone can do it! But you must prac- and cheating, to be totally honest Barleycorn, keep coming my way? I finger at someone, remember, three tice the principles, follow the Steps, with myself and my fellowman. have been blessed with a wife and a others are pointing back at you.” get a sponsor, and above all, get Another little gimmick that keeps wonderful family, good health, And so forth. active.” me happy and sober is this: If I’m home, and travel to the many places 1 After a thoughtful trip home, 1 de- I am delighted, when I walk into puzzled or anxious about something, used to dream about while anchored cided upon my usual “fix” when my group, to hear some of my loved I write a little letter to God and tell to a barstool. troubled: “What does Bill W. say , ones say, “Here’s old Self-will Run him all about it. Sometimes, I’m I was brought up short at a recent about it?” Riot.” Or I may be fondly greeted asked, “Aren’t you lonely, living by meeting. After the chairman intro- And there it was, in As Bill Sees It: with “Here’s our salty old bitch.” I yourself?” Oh, they can’t possibly duced me as “an old-timer with “The bleeding deadon. . .continues love it, they love me, and all is well. know the joy of solitude, when I can twenty years” (I never mention the to be consumed with self-pity. . . .The At least, it gives me a sure way of commune with my God as I under- length of sobriety – I feel quality is elder statesman sees the wisdom of practicing my humility. It is very dif- stand him. what counts), I mentioned casually, I the group’s decision to run itself and ferent from being called “that crazy, L. P., Albuquerque, N.M. thought, the many blessings I have re- holds no resentment over his reduced ceived and continue to receive, and status.” And “In the end we can only closed with a note of gratitude for be worth as much as our spiritual ex- Old- Timers them to the God I found through the ample has justified. To that extent, Fellowship. we become useful symbols – and When I sat down, I realized my that’s just about it.” I hope I can Bleeding Deacon mistake. Speaker after speaker cut me down to size. “We are all the make the shift from deacon to statesman without too much more ado. or B. L., Sollentuna, Sweden

Elder Statesman? Old-Timers

A T JUST WHAT point does a per- lowed a classic pattern – so classic son become an old-timer, any- that it can be found in nearly all of how? What special status goes with the stories in the Big Book. (Actually, the title? Is there really any need for it can be found in the May 1970 the old-timer? After all, we are living Grapevine.) My sobriety. likewise, A Look over Shoulder in a changing world. To coin a has been a wonderful story that I love phrase, is the old-timer’s experience to share. I have really found a life of “relevant”? contentment and joyful living. Those thoughts were going through Sometimes, I get carried away. my mind as I approached my twenti- When I try to relate my version of eth year of wonderful, God-given so- “what we are like now,” I find it dif- , I 0 H, MY DEAR Higher Power, here I am, seventy-seven years old, having spent thirty-nine of them I’ve tried to overcome them. I’ve made some progress. But on this business of “Live and Let Live,” my briety in this, the greatest fellowship ficult not to be accused of boasting. sober in AA; and here I am, still feet are just nailed to the floor. on earth. My drinking history fol- How can one really boast of some- loaded down with character defects. It’s not only that 1 want everyone I

.know, in and out of AA, to improve, dering row and decided to divorce. making the mistakes 1 made, or inso that I’ll be more comfortable. It’s He came to me and told me how she dulging in stinking thinking and makthat my pigeons come to me for ad- was treating him, and I agreed that ing your own, original mistakes. But vice, and then don’t follow it. And of this was awful. I said 1 didn’t blame I can’t change the living any more course, they never follow my unsolic- him for leaving her. Then, they rec- than I can make direct amends to the ited advice. So 1 spend a lot of time onciled, and both of them have be- dead. being provoked, frustrated, angry, or come rather distant, friendly but Oh, my friends! Oh, my pigeons! just plain scared to death that they’ll cool. Babes in arms! 1 love you all very get into worse and worse trouble. It’s From time to time, I cast a light much. I’ve helped you in the past, true that they’re all sober, except look over my shoulder and review the just as you’ve helped me. But what maybe the one who’s now traveling problems I got into when 1 was sober can I do to help some of you now? f . “id b , . overseas. She’s been calling, getting my answering service, and then leavin AA but much younger. I hurt myself, and I hurt other people. I would Well, when I’ve finished writing this, I’ll go over to my neighbor’s ing a phonemumber, without saying like to make amends to one or two pool and do ten laps while saying the where she is. who have passed on. Oh, how I want Serenity Prayer ten times. ! Then there’s the one who keeps to stop you younger people from F’. M., New Canaan, Conn. , changing husbands. In between husbands, she keeps changing boy- Old- Timers friends. She goes to a lot of meetings. She follows the program, doing everything you’re supposed to do. ‘ She has a high 1Q. She looks like a sophisticated angel. And she’s a darling. But over the years, she’s often come to me for advice about this love Thirty-Three life of hers. I’ve advised her and ad- , . I — vised her. .- She says, “You’re so right. What would I do without you’! Why, you’ve kept me out of lots of trouble.” I WENT INTO AA after twenty years AA before taking a drink, at 6:3O AM. of drinking. The Fellowship came A man was there in ten minutes. He to me through my doctor. In 1949, I brought a half pint. He was used to But the next thing 1 know, she’s had three slips. One was at the Preak- making hotel calls, and twelfthgotten another one – husband or ness at Pimlico Racetrack in Balti- steppers did serve the sick liquor in \, , ! , boyfriend or boyfriend about to be more. Just one half day of drinking, those days. I have done it but don’t ‘; husband or ex-husband about to be I and I lost my car and woke up in a recommend it. I saw a man die that . * ‘ I third-rate hotel. The clerk said a cab way. We are not doctors. \ : husband again. It gives me a revolving head. had delivered me at 3:00 A M and I When 1 saw the half pint, I said, 1 have learned – I hope – not to ‘ hadn’t seemed drunk (blackout). At “No. I didn’t call you to wet-nurse i 6:00 AM, 1 awoke, saw a pint on the me. All I want is advice. Where can I get between two lovelorn alcoholics who are fighting. I took sides when dresser, and knew I was in trouble. go to get sober? Dry-out plant or hostwo good friends of mine had a thun- I used my AA training and called pital?” (A lot of hospitals didn’t take

. al~oholicsin those days.) He recom- him and to know how to live without in the early 1 W . Some have had and these people were contacted and mended a place and took me there. alcohol – a life I never knew existed. continuous sobriety; some have had seemed enthusiastic at the idea of They did the job, and that was my It’s wonderful. The way to go. Never problems; but all are still members such a meeting. This time, fourteen last drink, May 1950, thank God and forget it. Stay with it all the way. of AA. people were present. One fellow who AA. My funeral is going to be an AA Two of the ten men present became got sober in Richmond came from Now, after thirty-three years of meeting, and 1’11 leave this message: members in 1944 and 1945 when AA West Virginia to attend. There was AA, I can see that AA is the way: to “Drinkers, go to AA so you can in Richmond was in its infancy, with .even more reminiscing, recalling know your God as you understand come on up here with me.” approximately fifteen members meet- dates, places, and incidents con- G. A,, Raleigh, N.C. ing at the William Byrd Hotel. By nected with their long-ago efforts to January 1946, the membership had get still-suffering alcoholics into the Old-Timers grown to about seventy-five, and they program. From the sparkle in these moved to 203 North Jefferson Street, men’s eyes, it was evident that AA where the other eight found a way to had been very much a part of their a sober life. As they began to talk lives. about Jefferson Street and the meet- With all the love and warmth flowings, I was totally swept up in the ing through the room, it was resolved ‘The Jefferson conversations. It seemed as if the to make this a regular AA group, aura of those days had come over the called the Jefferson Street Gang, and room, as if we had gone back in time. to meet once a month or more often. The meeting lasted about three hours The struggles, hardships, and ob- T HIS ISthe story of a meeting that I had the good fortune to be part of, and I write about it as I saw in many years. Some of the introductions went like: “I thought you were dead!” And the response would be: and ended with handshakes, heartfelt stacles these men had overcome in embraces, and many expressions of a those early days of AA made me ever desire to meet again. so grateful for the old-timers. From it, from an observer’s point of view. “Well, that’s odd. 1 thought you A month later, they did meet their experience, they have so much After having been placed on the ar- were dead.” Yet here they were. One again. Between the two meetings, to share with us in today’s AA. We chives committee, I began to look was carrying an oxygen tank; one many other names were brought up, cannot afford to lose them. into the origin of AA in this city. could barely see; some had a hard L. F., Boones Mill, Va. Through many telephone calls, nu- time hearing; and some had cardiac merous conversations, and extensive problems. But most were in remarkresearch in the city directory, I lo- able health, and all of them did ar- Old-Timers cated five members of the old Jeffer- rive. son Street Group. They supplied the As I was sitting there observing, I names of eighteen more, who were could not help but notice a look of bewilderment on some faces. It was I still alive and well, and we planned a lunchtime get-together. similar to the look of a new member Long-Time On a sunny, beautiful Tuesday as he first enters a meeting room of morning, the early birds began to ar- AA. But as they began to introduce rive. They came through the back themselves and the talking started of “old-timer.” 1 must reciprocate door of the restaurant one by one. Most of these men did not know one another or had not seen one another among them, any resemblance to newcomers was gone. These men were part of Richmond, Virginia, AA i M A Y A S PE C IA L shaft of serenity shine upon some alcoholic who thought up and shared that with some long-time views! One month ago, I shared my pleasant word “long-timer” instead thirty-fifth AA birthday on a Sunday

night at a meeting in Rondebosch. laughter, and alcoholic love. After superstar. The loye flowing from its tears dry and the pain recedes, I see in There was no banquet, no bells, not groups were formed here, Bill pages encourages me to keep the their eyes the image of God, always even a birthday cake. The only W.’s guidance often saved us from blade of my sobriety ever sharp and illuminating the Fellowship of which concession was a tape recording of calamity. gleaming, to cut through all the ig- I am a part, thanks to him and to all the talk. But in that hall, love One day, the Big Book (it had norance and terror that surround of you. cascaded over me and poured over somehow been overlooked) was still-suffering alcoholics. When their P. 0.. Wynberg, South Africa my wife, Jessie, who, on one placed in my hands at five in the afunforgettable morning in 1947, ternoon, when I arrived home from beseeched me to write to New York work. As I recollect, I had been unfor help when I was dying of al- dergoing the early pangs of “monotcoholism at the age of twenty-five onous” sobriety that we often feel here in South Africa. around our fifth month in AA, when There was no phone number to we haven’t a clue about the program. cJI; regular meetings were to materi- There was a cup of tea on the kitchen alize much later; there was no local table, ready. Next to the steaming box to write to furtively, no material cup was the book, in a navy blue proof in the form of a sponsor to cover – Alcoholics Anonyn~ous, show my trembling vision that AA 1948 printing. worked. That was the way it was. 1 finished reading this masterpiece That was the way it had to be – for at six the following morning. The tea, me. 1 was perpetually terrified, a now cold, remained untouched; the mass of fluctuating suspicions, so ashtray, empty. I hadn’t had time to thin-skinned and painfully sensitive loosen my tie or remove my jacket. to the slightest vibrations of authority Only once did I leave the table; [hen, that if there had been a nearby AA group or central office, I doubt if 1 the book went with me to the bathroom. It was the greatest, most ar- Simplicity would have made contact with it. tistically crafted journal of recovery, For me at that time, it had to be and it still is. I was spellbound by the done through the quiet power of the majesty of the wording, the delicacy written word, initiated by Bobby, at the AA General Service Office in of the suggestions, catering to the individuality of each alcoholic. Ar Illst, this whole venture made sense! b’or A N OLD-TIMER challenged me once: “Can you tell me what love is, in one word?” I thought and and institution service), and is now active in public information. The other day, he spoke to a sizable group New York, and embossed by Ann thought, and finally gave up. of staff psychiatrists at a local hospi- M., Bill, and Bob, who sent such love me, the essence of it lay in the second “Energy,” he said. tal; they stayed over to keep listening in so many letters over many years. paragraph on page 164: “He will I’d been watching this man closely to him, gladly missing their lunch As con~pulsivelyas I used to drink, I show you how to create the Fellow- for a long time. The nearer he gets to hour. They must have been wondernow felt a celestial obsession with AA ship you crave.” the down-and-outer in the meeting ing: How can such complexities in sobriety, and my exhilaration forced 1 have read this beloved book over room, the more he sparks up. He’s human beings be turned into such me to write all over the States for any and over. I t still uplifts, inspirer, and our group’s “unofficial janitor” – powerful simplicity? crumbs that they could spare. They guides. Through the years, I have always there, serving in a thousand By love. This old-timer has come to sent me whole cakes of indescribable read thousands of books and pani- ways. He sponsors new ones and old phlets, but the Big Book is still the know what it means to be a trusted mental richness, iced with humility, ones, spent years in H & I (hospital servant. He’s around. There’s some-

thing in him. A group in our city re- always moving, always mysteriously, cently placed these words in our on its own paths. This energy, or newsletter: “Help! We need old- love, permeates the air and our inner timers at our meetings.” He re- lives when we’re together; the more sponded. But he is only one. It was a we drink it in, the deeper our insights good reminder for me that all of us, become and the more “moments of old and new, need one another in gut- perception” we’re likely to have, level, often desperate, intense ways. wherein the “roots of reality. . .will Of AA’s co-founders, Bill W. and hold fast despite the high winds of the Dr. Bob, the Big Book says: “Both forces which would destroy us, or saw that they must keep spiritually which we would use to destroy ouractive.” And the sentence that fol- selves” (As Bill Sees It). lows describes spiritual action: “One Another natural law reveals that day they called up the head nurse of a the whole is equal to more than the local hospital. They explained their sum of its parts. In an appendix of nekd. . .” AA Comes of Age, when “A Friend Together. Where can living energy Looks at Alcoholics Anonymous,” go if it can’t find its home between the following line stands out: “For in the older and the newer AAs? Some- AA the whole is truly greater than the times, I’ve seen that old-timer enter a sum of all its parts. The infusing meeting depressed, for the weight of power of the group, of our Fellowhumanness is no less his than ours. ship, draws something more out of And during the meeting I’ve watched each of us than any of us by himself discomfort lift from his face, to be can supply.” That certain “somereplaced by a gentle, knowing grin. thing more” must be understood by Somehow, the inner energy that is each of us in our own way, yet it also love connects all the parts of us – needs to be passed between us. our emotional, mental, physical, and I am eternally grateful to oldspiritual selves. The first law of timers who hang around and chalphysics finds that energy cannot be lenge me with impossible questions created or destroyed. It’s already all that lead ultimately to the possible here; it can only be transformed into quest. other energy – “new” energy, Anonymous, California

July 1 9 8 4

In the following seven months, I –read As Bill Sees It, the “Twelve and tremendous relief! This Step talks least one insight, sometimes more. Twelve,” and the Big Book. I honest- about a person’s being either on top When I read the prayer regarding ly couldn’t remember when was the of the heap or on the bottom of the total and complete surrender of my last time I had read any one of those heap. That was me, all right. The last life and will, the relief was just that books. page of the chapter talks about total and complete. My morning ending our “isolation from our prayers and meditation took on a God As Bill Sees I t showed me just how full of pride – the negative, not the positive kind – I was; also, the selffellows and from God.” That’s when I cried. whole new dimension. One morning when I was saying

Didn’t ishness, the self-centeredness, the superiority complex to cover up the inferiority complex – that puffed-up No specific time nor even a specific year of sobriety can be given when my terrible, terrible feeling of isolation my prayers, I thought: “Am I ever lucky that God didn’t get mad at me when I was praying specifically and

Follow feeling of being the most important person in the whole wide world. An old-timer in the group I used to from my fellow human beings and from God began. But it did. The phone hardly ever rang anymore; no giving him orders about my life! He knows, really knows, that I am a human being, and he truly loves me – good and bad.” In addition to Orders belong to would call me Queenie, and he wasn’t kidding, either. It used to annoy me no end and even make me one wanted to pick me up for meetings anymore – I had to call a cab to go to one meeting a week. The list saying the prayer of surrender in the Third Step every morning, I sincerely mad sometimes! He was merely say- could go on and on. admitted that there wasn’t one single, ing, “Queenie, you’re only another And boy, was I ever mad at God! I solitary character defect or shortlittle fish in a big pond.” But by then, was telling him in no uncertain terms coming that I wanted to hang on to the barriers were so thick and so high exactly what he should do in my life, anymore. I started saying the recom- Why a complacent he couldn’t get through. and he wasn’t doing it. The job that mended prayer to have my character old-timer got As Bill Sees It merely touched the was being prayed for so hard didn’t defects removed. The beautiful retip of the iceberg. Now it was time to come. The aunt who was so seriously sults of praying and seeking God’s back to basics ill with a lung disease wasn’t healed; will in my life are far from passive. get into the “Twelve and Twelve.” I read the chapters on ‘two Steps she died. Neat things, really neat, started to each night before going to bed. It was I couldn’t go on like that indef- happen. all brand-spankin’-new to me. In my initely. My isolation from my God just early days of sobriety, I had read the The night I finished reading Step evaporated. Twelve, it seemed as if the veils or The telephone started to ring T wo YEARS ago, all hell seemed to break loose in my personal life. At that time, 1 was approaching “Twelve and Twelve,” but it had an entirely different meaning to me then. This time, different questions curtains were all lifted at the same time. 1 realized I had become exactly again; 1 was amazed when 1 got three calls in one afternoon. One was from my nineteenth year of sobriety, and were being asked, and different what my sponsor and the old-timers a lady I sponsored four years ago. my life was definitely unmanageable answers were being sought. had warned me against – a compla- She is still sober, and we had the – eighteen years or no eighteen Each night after reading, it seemed cent old-timer. Now, it was time for my next comnicest visit. Before she hung up, she said, “I love you,” and 1 said, “I love years. to me as if part of a veil or curtain was My sponsor and the old-timers had being lifted just a little. The night mitment: to read the Big Book. I read you, too.” A friend of mine always warned me about complacency a long after reading Steps Seven and Eight, I two chapters each night, and the Big says, in Bill’s words, “AA is ‘the time before. I had to make a commit- cried. Step Eight especially had Book was all brand-spankin’-new to language of the heart.”‘ ment to myself. supplied most of the answers. What a me. Then there were the long-absent Every night, there would come at visits from friends. After meetings is

always the nicest time, when everyone identified completely with this is relaxed, honest, and open. One woman, and a sense of peace, serenfriend came by one afternoon un- ity, and well-being came over me. It expectedly. When I opened the door, was as if I had been pressing a difshe said, “Do you look terrible with- ferent key each night on a computer, out your makeup!” I wear makeup at and all of a sudden all of the insights meetings, but not at home. came on the screen. I know now ex- Through a series of phone calls, I actly where I lost myself. I know now was put in touch with acquaintances exactly where my written inventory who were just waiting to become will begin. friends. They started to pick me up In fact, when I’m all finished for meetings – places I’ve never been writing it, I would like to imagine the to before – several times a week. old-timer who used to call me Each week, it varies. Queenie sitting on a white, fluffy My isolation from my fellow cloud in AA heaven with a twinkle in human beings has also evaporated. his blue eyes, showing his wry sense The night when 1 finished reading of humor, and saying something like: the story “Freedom from Bondage” “Well, finally! Nobody has to call in the Big Book was so beautiful. I her that any longer.” V. P.,Toledo. Ohio

August 1984

holics may be superior in imagination me. I came to believe that 1 could

WHEN IS and brainpower – but not necessari- depend on AA, that AA would never ly in good judgment. let me down; and this belief enabled One of my peppier pigeons had a me to turn my overwhelming fear

A N AA MEETING knack for going from one farfetched into faith. I still believe today that project to another. The one I liked without AA I would probably not be best was his plan to start his own able to stay sober.

NOT A N A A publishing company and sell greeting “1 am responsible” (along with cards for AA birthdays. He thought you and you, that is). “When anyideas for messages to put on the cards one, anywhere, reaches out for help,

MEETING –

Steps Four and Ten. I mumbled and would make an excellent subject for a I want the hand of AA always to be discussion meeting. there.” As the saying goes, “You Another time, a visitor at one of may be the only copy of the Big Book our closed meetings told us he had that another person will ever see.” grumbled to myself for a few weeks been released that very same day I am not, only responsible to the and then went out and got drunk. from a local treatment center. He newcomer as a way-shower to sobri-

E IGHTEEN YEARS ago, I thought 1 was the brightest newcomer who ever walked through the clubhouse Ten years later, I came back to the Fellowship. I had known and admitted that I was an alcoholic the other said he felt right at home because our ety, but also responsible to older newly appointed chairman had de- members as a part of the foundation cided to show educational films on necessary for them to maintain and door. In only a month or so, I was time. But now, I was no longer mere- alcoholism that night, and they were protect their sobriety. When an al- . asked to be the chairman of a week- ly trying to avoid the horrors of ad- the same films our visitor had been coholic needs a meeting, he or she ly AA discussion meeting. 1 was vanced alcoholism; I had already watching for the past two or three doesn’t need a movie, a sales talk, a thrilled. I wanted to be different; 1 experienced the worst. Now, I was weeks. sermon, or any gimmick. The collecwanted to be outstanding. I made fighting for my life. AA may seem the One of the newer members in our tive experience of AAs everywhere photocopies of some “tests” from a “wise” thing to do in the mind of a group was puzzled because I said that has been that only an alcoholic can national magazine: “Do You Have a high-bottom drunk; but for me, AA I thought an AA meeting was a really understand another alcoholic, Temper?”; “Do You Feel Sorry for was the last-ditch escape from death sacred trust, not something to be whether that alcoholic is still drinking Yourself?”; “How Normal Are or insanity. Only then was I able to tampered with. “Well, maybe,” she or has attained some continuous so- You?” I passed the copies around as look back and understand why my replied, “but why make such a big briety. the meeting started and announced psychological parlor games years be- deal out of it? They meant well, and I now attend AA meetings to help we would all read the tests and discuss fore had been downright offensive to we aren’t supposed to engage in con- support the group and to make myour answers. those members who were already troversy or oppose anything, are we? self available in case someone who is Several older members of the Fel- tuned in to the reqlity of “sobriety or It worked out all right; nobody got still suffering happens to come lowship descended upon me like a death.” hurt.” through the door wanting hope. But swarm of angry bees. Of course, they But times have changed. We now Anyone who wonders why I think first, above everything else, today the were right, and their action preserved seem more tolerant of the occasional- AA meetings are so important has same as yesterday, I attend AA meetthe integrity of that particular AA ly half-baked schemes of the newly just never seen me drunk. I truly ings for me, because I am powerless meeting. But at the time, 1 could not sober. Some of the escapades of believed I was hopeless (and many over alcohol, and without help, it is understand what I had done that was members during their “pigeon others agreed with me). The only way too much for me. So please don’t so wrong. I had thought my idea was period” that I have seen over the 1 overcame despair was by trusting mess with my meetings. an original, creative approach to years back up this statement: Alco- that AA would always be there for B. M., Huntington, H’. Vu.

April 1985

many meetings, trying to make new- the same answer, and they have the comers feel wanted, and accepting same reaction – Is this all there is? the responsibility of sponsorship T o which I reply, “What do you when asked, I have been f o ve. 1 COP- want? Why did you come to Alcoholstantly to look at myself, to realize ics Anonymous? If you want finanmy powerlessness in all areas of my cial success, improved social status, life, and primarily to seek a stronger dominance over other persons in your and more lasting understanding of life, a secret way to control your the Power which gives me the drinking, and all the other goodies strength to meet each day sober and you believe will make you happy, just with an increasing degree of comfort. don’t take the first drink today and . When George said “time and pa- go to a meeting tonight, and someevery night for about five years tience,” he meant that I would find where down the road you will find the (today I have reduced it to five a sobriety and happiness in becoming a answer to all your questions and week), I gave myself enough breath- useful person in the AA Fellowship aspirations. ” I know, because this is ing room for you sober people in AA and to my fellow alcoholics who are what happened to me. I finally began to show me how this program works. trying to stay sober. to ask the right questions in order to Then, little by little, the Twelve Steps When I am asked the same ques- find the right answers. I N APRIL 1965, when I was a 119pound, extremely shaky fortyseven-year-old man, dry for about six began to work themselves in my daily living. After approximately nine months, tions by those I sponsor, I give them P. M.,Tucker, Ga.

weeks, 1 was a b p t e d as someone’s I asked George when I was going to “pigeon.” George had eight years’ find some meaning in life – just sobriety in the AA program, which going to meetings and not drinking was inconceivable to me at that time. seemed to be rather routine and repe- Whenever I could work up the nerve titious. He told me that to find the to ask George a question relating to reason for my being alive and sober, what appeared to me to be a complex look at the Preamble. There 1 found ‘ problem, George would invariably what was to be my credo for the rest reply, “Time and patience will see of my life: “to stay sober and help most problems resolved as they other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.” should be – if you just don’t take the This seemed so simple and so purfirst drink today and go to a meeting poseful that I am still amazed, when I tonight.” periodically take inventory, to find Fortunately, I followed the last that this has been the only real meanpart of his statement for many years, ing in my life. In spite of occasionally until I slowly began to learn a little looking through the years to find patience, to gain a little time for my something else more important, I emotions to line up with my limited have always returned to this answer logic. By not taking that first drink to all my questions. By staying sober, each day, and going to a meeting being available through attendance at

J u l y 1985 hands in glee, exclaiming, “This is the endorsement of the United Drys just the thing we need for that kid in and the Women’s Christian Temper- Tonkawa coming out of the Ray ance Union – in Oklahoma. My Theater after seeing John Wayne and future sponsor had a spiritual awak- Claire Trevor in Stagecoach.” ening in a broom closet of the Ameri- As Jack Alexander ripped the last can Legion Hall in Roanoke, Indiana, sheet from his typewriter in the of- where he passed out the night before. fices of the Saturday Evening Post in As plans were shaping up in 1959 1941, he breathed a sigh of relief. for the 25th Anniversary Internation- “Whew,” said he, “I hope these al Convention at Long Beach, Caliarticles on Alcoholics Anonymous fornia, I was taking a geographical get through to that drunk out in cure by moving to Fort Wayne, far Oklahoma and his future alcoholic away from those friends and associson.” ates who were causing me to get into Well, maybe it didn’t happen the so much trouble with alcohol. way I just described it. ~ u it tcould In 1%1, Bill W. and Dr. Carl Jung have. My point is that unknown were exchanging letters, and I teleevents occur, maybe a generation or a phoned AA for help. My sponsor and continent removed, that will signifi- his friend were at my door within an cantly alter our lives. hour. In 1962, Bill wrote the melve Unknown events occur that will The year I graduated from high Concepts for World Service, my dad school, joined the Marine Corps, and had his last drink in January, and I significantly alter our lives experienced my first blackout, Char- had mine in September. My mother lie 0. was sobering up in Fort Wayne, was alive to see her husband and her Indiana. The year was 1944, and I son sober up in AA. didn’t know where Indiana was, As a delegate from Northern Indimuch less Fort Wayne. Seventeen ana to the 1969 General Service Conyears later Charlie 0. was to appear ference in New York, I met Bill and Comes of Age relate only part of the as one of those impossibilities to a was able to tell him thanks. In 1970, I story. Here’s what really happened: new AA member: “Sober seventeen was a speaker at the 35th Anniversary In 1935 at Akron, Ohio, Bill W. years, humph! Either a liar or not a International Convention at Miami, I F YOU HAVE DOUBTS that a Higher Power plans things, consider two paths that converge to affect your life called on Dr. Bob and, among other things, said, “Bob, we’ve got to do something about our drinking prob- , real alcoholic. ” Florida, and my dad was in the audi- In 1949, the lovely Anne Smith, ence. We saw Bill at his last public wife of our co-founder, died. My appearance. Bill died in 1971, and my profoundly – your path and the AA lem. And besides, there’s a kid in the grandsponsor sobered up in Hunting- dad died in 1977. path. third grade at Washington School in ton, Indiana, and I graduated with a Rich are the memories from the The AA historical books light up Tonkawa, Oklahoma, who’s going to degree in journalism from the Uni- paths that converged. Thank God for one path, but are incomplete. “Pass need our help some day.” I versity of Oklahoma, plus a Ph.D. the old-timers who made this glorious It On” (recently released story of the When the Big Book was published in alcoholism. life possible for us – long before we life of Bill W.), Dr. Bob and the in 1939, those early AAs in Akron In 1958, I was publicity director for knew what was coming. Good Oldtimers, and the earlier AA and New York City rubbed their a candidate for governor – who had J. H., Angola, Ind.

August 1985

upon the teenage girl I once was, I recognize the concerns preoccupying the eighteen-year-old at the meeting. Neither have 1 forgotten the ambitions and dreams that alternately spurred or lured me on in my twenties and thirties; I remember the mistakes I made and the fulfillments and defeats that accompanied or followed those years. I, too, have known the failures and the guilts and the joys associated with parenthood, when one is often too tired to speak civilly to one’s children – or to anyone else. I have experienced the frustration and anguish that adolescent rebellion can cause a bewildered mother. And I recall all too well the problems that now exacerbate some of our middle-

Beyond I LOOK AROUND THE rOOm at my home group. About forty of us. A dozen or so have been regulars since recently and unexpectedly died; one in his early thirties who hates the conditions on his job but is afraid to aged members in dealing with aged and helpless parents. In the twenty-one years I have the this group’s first meeting ten years ago. Most of us have been sober for protest them; a woman in her seventies so busy with clubwork and golf spent in AA, I have wrestled aloud with whatever moral or emotional di-

Generation more than five years. A few count their sobriety in days, weeks, or months. and travel that she barely has time for a weekly meeting. Financial standings among these lemmas I have blundered into in the course of learning to live with other human beings. 1 have complained I tick them off in my mind: an individuals range from zero to af- while at the same time trying to aceighteen-year-old girl still in high fluence. Educational backgrounds cept the latest inevitability Mother school; a single woman of twentv- cover everything from high school Nature has allowed to descend on me. two, employe& living alone; a dropout to Ph.D. From all of them, Now, however, sometimes I think, housewife with two children under we catch references to problems, sor- “I must not unsettle my fellowthe age of six; a man who has lived rows, big and little triumphs. Often members by mentioning such We all use for eighty-four years, over twenty of we sense heartbreak or uncertainty reactions as spurts of anger when I which have passed in Alcoholics over “relationships” – marital, pa- think of how short a time is left to the tooh of the program Anonymous; a pretty matron in her ternal, social, business, erotic. me, my dismay at realizing that forties whose teenage children cause For twenty-one years I have been a instead of leaping up stairs and over in much the same ways constant turmoil in her household; a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. In- obstructions in the path I must man in his fifties recently laid off deed, the traditional four score years literally watch my step to avoid from a job he had thought was his for and ten have washed me up on the turned ankles or broken bones; the life; another in his sixties whose wife shores of old age. Yet, looking back annoyances of fading eyesight,

diminished hearing, the pain and whether or not the basic Me wanted Looking over my AA group only a fraction of what is now my despair of losing one lifelong friend or could do it. brought these thoughts to mind; and Past – we are not segregated. In AA, after another to death. Also, since I can no longer dream I see, astonishingly, that there are no as we listen to one another’s anxieties I have decided to give up this mis- of all I am going to do “someday” – gender gaps, no generation gaps, no and problems, we understand that it’s guided course of not saying what I am because from the evidence I see more social chasms here. Starting with the not what’s happening to you because afraid “they” won’t want to hear be- clearly that that “someday” may casting-off of the shackles put on us you are whatever age you happen to cause it would remind them of where never come – I am finally learning by alcohol, an experience we all be, or because you are poor, or bewe are all headed if we live long really to live one day at a time and to share, in the years that follow we deal cause you aren’t attractive, or enough. The truth is that if I disguise appreciate and be alert to the beauti- in much the same ways with all our because you aren’t as smart as your the negative feelings that I am very ful, marvel-filled, albeit sometimes trials and tribulations, using, as we so co-workers; it is how you cope with naturally having at this stage of life, I infuriating world around me. This is often say, the tools our program of it, survive it, and don’t give up and cannot let “them”‘ know about the a startlingly pleasant reward. recovery gives us. drink over it. surprisingly positive discoveries that And if I hadn’t acknowledged how The girl just reaching puberty, The “it” you survive can be anythe disadvantages of growing old finite, how limited my future was, I whose main preoccupation (aside thing: dashed career hopes, unrequithave made possible. For example, I should not have been able to give up from resisting peer pressure to drink ed love, crippling disease, poverty, have finally learned that in re- some of the old false gods whom I or use drugs) may be whether you do approaching death. Together we face linquishing some goals because of les- thought I had to obey, and instead to or you don’t have sex and if so when it, equipped only with the vast, previsened physical energy, I have ‘been listen for and heed the dictates of and with whom; the young man or ously undiscovered resources of powfreed to achieve other and more satis- needs and inclinations I used to try to woman with a new family who feels er within us, which faced and confying ones that a deeper and more ignore or at least drown out by the he/she deserves a raise and isn’t sure quered alcoholism for us. extensive Me has always known it shrill voices of the tiny conscious sur- how far to go in being assertive; the So let us not be afraid of unsettling . wanted. It seems that when I was face of my being whose vocabulary is old person trying to budget a Social or boring our comrades by talking younger, the tiny, willful part of my made up mostly of “I wills” and “I Security check to include a monthly about our reactions to whatever is mind that thought it knew for sure won’ts,” rather than of “Now let’s trip to the slot machines at Lake bothering us at a given mement; for what I ought to do was able to tell the see about this” or “Is that what I Tahoe, and me coming to terms with this way we learn how to live. whole of myself what to “go for,” really prefer?” the fact that my Future can at best be B. M., Saratoga, Calif.

October 1985

To me, the people who may have a An old-timer looks at young AAs rougher time are not we old-timers, From Claremont, Calif.: but the young people. I have seen How often we hear a speaker say, ,, youngsters who have lived a lifetime “If I can make this program, any- in a few years, who come into AA all body can.” People think that nobody strung out on heroin, cocaine, pills, else could be as sick or have a life as booze. All I had to fight was booze. fouled-up or have as difficult a time This morning, I was talking to a getting adjusted. The truth is, this beautiful little girl, just twenty years program is not a bit harder for one than another. Your past life does not have a damn thing to d o with staying sober today. Whether you drank in bars or at home, whether you are a five-time loser out of a federal prison or have never been arrested makes no difference. You may have been a banker or a bum, a prostitute or a old, who had a $300-a-day heroin missionary; the secret of making it in habit. She just got her ninety-day AA is still working the Twelve Steps. chip. These kids are the miracles in AA. – If you doubt it, sit up with a heroin addict going through withdrawal cold turkey. It is an experience you will never forget. I was in six alcoholic psycho wards, and none of them could compare a fraction. Yes, I admire the kids coming into AA. P.w.

February 1986

chiatric” symptoms, sure that there was no connection between those

I “The need& a symptoms and working the Steps. After I had finished writing out my

BY THE BOOK S ~ ~ ~ Swho O Th d ~ ~ h thedS ~ ~ O S ~ o u r t hStep, I met my sponsor to take the Fifth Step. He went first with his Fifth Step, making it vastly easier for me to be as honest as possible ,

with my own. Then he asked me to make a list of the people I had W HEN I FIRST began “carrying the message,” I had no message. I had not worked the Steps “Dr. Bob led me through all of these steps. At the moral inventory, he brought up some of my bad perharmed, and in the weeks after that he prodded me again and again to make face-to-face amends to the myself, and therefore was totally sonality traits or character defects, people on that list. unprepared to show anyone else how such as selfishness, conceit, jealousy, Over time, as a result of continued to work them. carelessness, intolerance, ill-temper, and repetitive work with all of the When I talked to a prospect, I sarcasm and resentments. We went Steps, the depression lifted entirely, did none of the things Dr. Bob is over these at great length and then he the fears greatly diminished, and my described as having done in the tenth finally asked me if I wanted these ability to work returned. story in the original Big Book. Titled defects of character removed. When I — Having personally seen the results “He Sold Himself Short,” the story said yes, we both knelt at his desk and Until that time, I had not figured that can be obtained by continuing contains one of the best illustra- prayed, each of us asking to have out on my own how to work the work with each of the Steps, I try to tions I have ever read on how to spon- these defects taken away.. .. Steps, nor had anyone shown me how sponsor people in the same way. I sor someone. “Dr. Bob then led me through the to work them. Fortunately for me, I urge the man I am sponsoring (men In it, the writer, who had only been restitution step, in which I made a list met a man in the program who told should sponsor men and women sober two weeks, describes how he of all the persons I had harmed, and me that I would find relief from my should sponsor women) to read met Dr. Bob on a Wednesday after- worked out ways and means of slowly depression and fears if I began work- “How It Works” and “Into Action” noon after Bob had closed his office. making restitution.” ing the Steps – a rather startling in the Big Book, and Step Four in Together, that afternoon, they The need for a sponsor who has claim from my standpoint because I Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. worked the first seven Steps, includ- worked the Steps himself can some- had been seeking such relief in self- If necessary, I help the man write out ing an inventory, a Fifth Step, and times be desperate. In my own case, I help groups, sessions with psycholo- his Fourth Step. Then we exchange the writing out of a list of those peo- had been a sober member of AA for gists and psychiatrists, and through Fifth Steps and together we write out pld the writer had harmed. ten years, but had never worked the reading countless pop-psych books. an Eighth Step list. “We spent three or four hours action Steps of the program. By then, That man, who became my spon- After that, I follow up, encouragformally going through the Six-Step I was depressed to the point of sui- sor, told me to read two chapters in ing him to make direct amends and to program as it was at that time. The cide, almost immobilized by my the Big Book -“How It Works” and make at least preliminary arrangesix steps were: (1) Complete defla- fears, and had been recently fired “Into Action,” and then to start ments for monetary restitution where tion, (2) Dependence and guidance from an excellent job which my men- immediately writing out a Fourth Step necessary. All of this, of course, prefrom a Higher Power, (3) Moral tal state had made impossible for me in the actual format outlined in the sumes willingness. The Big Book, in Inventory, (4) Confession, (5) Resti- to handle. I was living proof that book. I did this reluctantly, sure that the chapter “Working With Others,” tution, (6) Continued work with going to meetings and staying sober is it was not going to relieve my “psy- cautions that “to spend too much other alcoholics. not enough.

time on any one situation is to deny ing the message because the Twelfth some other alcoholic an opportunity Step calls on him to do that. to live and be happy.” Nowhere in the Big Book or the I have met quite a few people dur- “Twelve and Twelve” does it say that ing my twenty-six years in AA who he should be a psychologist, that he have figured out from reading the should “care and share,” that he Big Book that the Steps are the pro- should be a good listener or available gram, and that each one of them at all hours to discuss personal or job must be worked. But for me, and I problems. The sponsor’s function is think for most of us, the help of a simply to show another alcoholic how sponsor is crucial. to work the Steps. What should a sponsor be? Most My only regret is that I did not importantly and obviously, he or meet my sponsor – or a sponsor like she should be one who has “had a him – within the first few days of spiritual awakening as the result of coming to AA. If I had been guided these steps.” He doesn’t have to be a through the Steps, and into the habit scholar, a philosopher, a raconteur, of working them on a regular basis, I or even an exceptionally charming might have spared myself ten years of person-just a person who has unhappy, painful sobriety. worked the Steps, and is now carry- D. O.,Glenview, Ill.

one such old-timer. You know him. He was the one who spoke slowly and thoughtfully and never raised his voice for emphasis. I can still see him sitting in the club, drinking coffee and sharing his ex- m into the p p m perience, strength, and hope with newcomers such as me. He represent- . . .andthen.. . ed an era that seems to have passed us by. His was a time when AA was allowg the likes of me mostly shared by word of mouth. “We didn’t have much book-learning when I came in,” he would say. He didn’t know a lot about what was written in the literature, but he knew selves as being able to fill their shoes. a great deal about life, especially liv- I think of our soft-spoken, steady ing sober in AA. old-timer and sometimes wonder if he You know how it is when we are had felt the same way when he reanew. We come to AA, get sober, meet lized that he was becoming an oldour new family, and become accus- timer. tomed to expecting that “certain The old-timer had been in poor bunch” to be at our regular meetings. health for some time. In spite of it, he As far as our old-timers were con- was still active in the Fellowship. To-. cerned, I was like a child who thought ward the latter years, I didn’t see him that his parents would live forever. as often. AA had grown considerably 1 just couldn’t visualize AA with- and we just went to different meetout them. ings. I had now been elected to serve I remember the first meeting I at- as area delegate and was busier than , tended where none of the old-timers ever before. were present. That warm feeling of It had been some time since I had security wasn’t there. “It’s not fair,” last seen the old-timer when I learned I said. “I’m not ready for them to that he had passed away. It was quite leave us on our own. We still need a shock to me. He had always been their steady reassurance and their one to “keep it simple,” and his fuwisdom.” neral was no exception. There was to The years have come and gone be a memorial service followed by since that night, and many of our old- cremation. That was all. timers are no longer with us. There As my wife and I entered the fuare, of course, others taking their neral home that evening, we were place. However, many of us with met by the oldest old-timer in our double-digit sobriety do not see our- community. As we greeted him, he

said to me, “You have to give the condition that I was in, and then, a eulogy tonight.” few years later, allowing the likes of “I can’t do it. I don’t know what to me to become a trusted servant of say,” I responded. “I’ve never done other members and the Fellowship. anything like that before.” The old-timer was like that. He had “You have to do it. I don’t think never been very active in service himthat I could go through with it, and self, but it was because of people like besides, you are the delegate.” him that I had become active. He What could I say? As we were seat- spent most of his time carrying the ed, I prayed, “Dear Lord, I don’t message one-on-one, and that includknow what to do. Please help me to ed being supportive and encouraging do what is being asked of me.” Sit- us newcomers to get active in all ting there, I began to think of the old- facets of the AA way of life. timer. He was not my sponsor, but The time came for the eulogy. As I grandsponsor – my sponsor’s spon- walked to the front of the room, the sor. I thought about not seeing him words of an old gospel song ran around AA anymore. He had been through my mind: “Will the circle be here when I first arrived. “My God!” unbroken?” 1 thought. “I sure was crazy back As I gazed at those assembled, I then.” Even so, he was always kind saw the old-timer’s friends and and loving. family. I looked at the oldest old- There was that time at one of the timer, and we both understood that 1 state conventions where I had pitched was doing for him what he wasn’t such a fit in the lobby that all my able to do himself. More accurately, wife, also a new member, could do in spirit, we were doing this together. . was go and stand by the old-timer and Looking into their faces, I knew what his friend, crying her eyes out because I had to do. “Could we open this she was married to a madman. After meeting with a moment of silence to a while, he told her that she could eat use as you wish, followed by the with them, and if I could simmer Serenity Prayer. ” down I could eat with them too. If I What was said is unimportant. hurried and got ready, they would What was felt was very important. I wait for me. You know, they weren’t still miss the old-timer. We all miss a bit embarrassed to be seen with a him, but we did get an answer to that total idiot. They knew that my anger verse from the old gospel song. Yes, was only an expression of the fear the circle does remain unbroken. It within that I had not been able to deal encompasses the length and breadth with yet. They loved me in spite of of what we call our legacy, the one he myself. passed on to us, a legacy of love and Perhaps humility is seeing someone service. like me come into the program in the C.C., West Palm Beach, Fla.

December 1987

DROPOUT hot coffee. I played around with it portive. It seemed ironic – a few and sipped at it, and later I tried con- years ago an ex-spouse spread the vincing myself and others that I had rumor that I was drinking when I not actually drunk any. wasn’t, and people believed him. (1t happened to an old-tim That happened not long after a Now I was drinking and “confessclose friend in AA wrote me that she ing” it, and no one had even suspectwas no longer a member of AA, that ed. I had been through so much in my C omplacency, in my opinion, is as cunning, baffling, and powerful (and patient) as the alcoholism that I quit reading the books and quit corresponding with my LIM friends. 1 married a man in AA, with every she had accepted Christ into her life through the church. A short-butsweet live-in AA “relationship” had sobriety – deaths, divorces, illnesses, poverty – that somewhere along the way I had begun to assurrie that I brought us all together. intention of hiding in his shadow as just moved out. And 1 was working could, and would, survive unything At one time, I was very active with only the wife of an alcoholic. That two jobs at the time. without picking up that first drink. I my home group, somewhat active lasted less than two years, “because with another, an intergroup rep, a his character defects were more than I group secretary and GSR. I was sell- could handle.” The truth was that ing raffle tickets on the anniversary he’d confided in me and I turned on and finance committees, performing him, accusing him with every move in our annual variety show, twelfth- he made until he fell back into his old A few months later I found myself had forgotten to include God and the stepping, leading meetings, trans- ways. I then blamed him when my playing head games again. Whenever Fellowship of AA – or just plain porting hospital patients (even before worst character defects reared their a certain brand of wine advertised chosen not to. the now-popular units); I even tried ugly heads. their new “cute little bottles” I I t isn’t easy to start over again, to my hand at .public information in Eventually, my physical limitations thought, “1 could handle that.” Be- t r y to remain teachable after being schools, babysitting, and taking new- prohibited me from climbing stairs to fore long, I found myself picking a one of the teachers, to try to become comers into my home. and from meetings. For years I had fight at home, only to head straight to humble after being (self-proclaimed) Gradually, though, I became an chanted, “You don’t need to attend the nearest store to buy a smutty mag- successful in AA and in a career. I inactivsmember, to the point where I AA meetings to maintain sobriety. azine and – you guessed it – one of dug out my AA books, the ones I would laughingly (while hurting on We have Loners all around the those “cute little bottles.” By the nearly threw out the last, time 1 the inside) refer to myself as an inac- world.” So I began to practice being time I got home I wasn’t so brave. I moved. I consider one particular pertive member-at-large. I became re- a Loner by not drinking and not go- poured about a third of the bottle son my sponsor, because we have sentful of newcomers fresh out of ing to meetings. into a glass of orange drink, and the shared so much and I know she won’t treatment centers trying to tell “us And then the thought began creep- next day the rest went down the drain. betray a confidence. I joined a new old-timers” how to work our pro- ing back into my mind, “I can drink But by then the physical compul- (for me) group, one close to home gram. I became resentful of others socially. . .if 1 go back out, I can sion was beginning to take control – and on a weekend night so I won’t be telling frequent slippers to come see always return to AA; others do it all and the Sear. All my old anxieties too exhausted from work that day to me, that 1 would make them a good the time.” Then it began to happen; were back. But out of pain comes atlend. (And then I missed the next sponsor, because “She understands the mental obsession began to take growth, and I was about to take week because it followed a hospital . . .she’s open-minded.” I was tired over. One cold winter night someone another step in my recovery. visit.) It looks like a slow, uphill proof pretending to be nice to people I mentioned stopping for a drink after It wasn’t easy, as the senior mem- cess. But at least I no longer feel as if didn’t know, or care to know. My work. I said I could be persuaded, ber with eleven years of sobriety, to I’m going down hill on a greased health eventually prohibited me from and the next thing I heard was me or- sit in a small closed meeting and share slide. attending crowded, smoky meetings. dering some kind of a mixed drink in my experiences. They were all sup- L. S., Toledo, Ohio

May 1988

program. I completed the agenda, re- recovering alcoholics spread throughceived a certificate, and was eligible out the world. Many of these men and for the University at Lincoln Center. women had, through the progression I feel, as a recovering alcoholic, that of the disease of alcoholism, squanit’s not only my right but also my duty dered the early opportunities in life to

WwEe CcAaNn to express a candid opinion as to why there should be weekly meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous on other campuses throughout the country. Many complete a college education. It is exhilarating to sit in an AA meeting and listen to recovering alcoholics share how they are resuming their educaalcoholics admit the disease of alco- tion as part of the bridge back to life. holism had begun its fatal progres- I love to share with them the fact that sion while they were still in college. 1 didn’t get a high school diploma un- Fordharn has been gracious enough til 1 was 73 years old. Sober we can. to allow us a meeting room twice a This morning I got out of bed week. The program here is a little over ready to face the beauty of uncerfourteen months old and we have tainty for another twenty-four hours. three other students, besides myself, As I began my daily routine of exerattending the meetings. Many of my cise, meditation, and breakfast, a friends in the Fellowship have been wild fantasy began to grip my imagiwonderful in support of our group. nation. Someday there will be an Since the group developed here at autonomous AA group in every uni-

I had my last drink on November 2, 1W8. One day at a time I have been sober for more than 39 years. sixth AA anniversary, I made up my mind to pick up a high school equivalency diploma. 1 went and took the Fordham, small groups have sprouted at New York University and Columbia. There has been an AA meeting at versity in these United States (though I doubt if I’ll still be around to see it happen). Now I am a 75-year-old sophomore test. When 1 arrived at the school for a midtown college (Hunter) for two We often hear at meetings that at Fordham University. the examination, there were about years. It was started by two sober al- there are no coincidences in the Fel- At the age of seven I became an 150 young people milling around the coholic students during the fall of lowship. I couldn’t pick a more emotional, intellectual, and spiritual entrance doors. The young men and 1985. At the present time there are a appropriate day to write about my dropout from life. It wasn’t until I women were giving me strange looks, dozen recovering student alcoholics sober dream. It was thirty-nine years reached the ripe old age of 36 that 1 so 1 just stared back at them and said, attending the weekly meeting. A ago that I read an article in the New was offered the gift of sobriety. The “Don’t mind me, fellows, I’m re- Y.E.S. (youth enjoying sobriety) York Journal American, entitled ” I Twelve Steps, suggested in the Fel- tarded.” I was probably older than group also has been using a class- Was a Lady Drunk.” I contacted lowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, most of their grandfathers. 1 did so room for a meeting space for over a Alanon House the same day, and I gave this helpless, hopeless alcoholic well in the exams that I decided, what year at the same college. went to my first AA meeting the fola chance to edit the proofs of a hor- the hell, I’ll go for the whole ball of Recently, through our New York lowing night. My first meeting was on rendous life. wax. For the first 36 years of my life lntergroup Association, 1 was able to D-Day plus four years, June 6, 1948. My disease of alcoholism had pro- fear of failure had been a dominating contact another alcoholic who had On the original D-Day, June 6, 1944, gressed rapidly while I was in high factor. In sobriety, 1 can still fail and just eniolled at City College of New I had been a drunken GI, on guard school; after five years I was expelled, consider myself a huge success. I was York. He was seeking information duty at an Air Base in England. The so I never received a diploma. In No- willing to give it my best shot. about starting a group on the campus. combined allied armies were invading vember 1985, just after my thirty- Fordham has a “College at Sixty” There are over a million and a half Europe and the planes from our unit

were providing cover for the infantry. meetings on campus, please show up After that first meeting, another and share your experience, strength, five months would elapse before I fi- and hope with your peers. It is probnally got sick and tired of being sick ably through the gift of sobriety that and tired and was ready to throw in you – the ex-drunk who is not drinkthe towel. At times I refer to my final ing today – are getting that diploma. surrender as the night that I conceded Just try and remember that there are with Governor Dewey. no degrees for staying sober. The It was election night, November 2, sheepskin will just certify that, as a 1948. Harry Truman was reelected human being, you are trying to live a president of our country, and much useful and productive life. to the joy and surprise of most of the That last phrase in the AA Preamalcoholics around Alanon House, ble reads: “Our primary purpose is to Red B., the drunk with all the lousy stay sober and help other alcoholics to wiseguy attitudes, began to stay sober achieve sobriety.” Most of the happy a day at a time. alcoholics I know and admire are the President Truman once said “The ones who continue to carry the mesbuck stops here.” This statement can sage to the still-confused, still-sufferapply to every recovering alcoholic in ing alcoholic. It is my opinion that the world. I would love to ramble there are many full b l o w alcoholics through thirty-eight and a half years on every campus in the country. of adventurous sobriety, but then of I f you’re a student, enjoying sobricourse I’d be diverting from our orig- ety through the Fellowship of Alcoinal theme. Can we plant the seed of holics Anonymous, please help to sobriety at the university level? plant the seed of sobriety on your If you are a recovering student campus. alcoholic, and at a school which has F. B., New York, N. Y.

July 1988

enabling, dysfunctional family, and a dysfunctional family. He went into so forth. some detail about the deleterious When I was new in AA back in the effects his father’s drinking had on Ice Age you talked about drinking his emotional well-being as a child. and falling down and smashing up An older member sitting next to me cars and your AA talk ended more or was doing a lot of squirming and less at the point at which you finally grumbled into my ear under finally entered AA, put the plug in his breath, “For Chrissake, doesn’t the jug, and commenced to live a anybody puke anymore?” When I ‘ sober life. I remember speaking at a was new we didn’t have dysfunctional Chicopee meeting in the early days families. The speaker would simply where all the old-timers sat in the say, “My old man was a drunk,” and front row with folded arms and sober let it drop. stares. I wasn’t feeling too secure Sometimes 1 think I would like to about myself. But then it wasn’t hear less about being self-assertive really required. and more about being of service. Less lqowadays people are better in- about deflected anger and more formed about alcoholism and not so about ego deflation at depth. It seems dependent for total direction on the that where we used to talk about the oldest old-timer in the room. Some of need for humility, today we talk the talk we hear from the podium about the need for self-esteem. today would have brought down the Where we spoke of our old ways we wrath of the elders in the old days. now talk about old tapes. Active Often today we have counselors but listening was keeping an open mind. no sponsors; aftercare but no home Enabling was called minding your group. Now and then we hear a little own business. Sometimes I am afraid of what a friend calls “psycho-bab- that the new “me-first” mentality, ble,” such as “primary and secon- with its strong emphasis on taking dary alcoholic. . . passive/aggressive charge of your life, is slowly eroding personality. . .group dynamics. . . ” a lot of what I learned about living and SO forth. New people speak sober in the late sixties. blandly of “treatment” and “group” But then I remember that the Big Since getting sober tention with the consequent increase and “alco-logues,” family script, Book talks about fear being a coreighteen years ago, in public awareness of alcohol and adult child, dysfunctional family. rosive and pervasive thread that runs I have seen many drug addiction, have had a definite sometimes I feel a little put off by through the fabric of my life, and I changes in AA, at impact on our AA society, on how we this upsurge of recovery buzz words. ask: What is it that I am really afraid least in Western see and share our experience, I wonder if we are really keeping the of? Maybe I’m just afraid that the Massachusetts. strength, and hope. focus on alcoholism, my disease, at way I got the message is changing. The growing number of Twelve Step At meetings today we commonly meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not the message itself. Only ,the programs, the proliferation of treat- hear terms like co-dependent, poly- Not long ago at my home group a words used to express it. ment centers, and intensive media at- addicted, cross-addicted, alco-addict, speaker was talking about being from Maybe I’m afraid of becoming ob-

solete. A lot of older members that I and a warmth to the sharing that I got sober with don’t go to meetings as don’t remember hearing when I often as they used to because, they was new. There is a freedom of exsay, “AA is changing.” Maybe one pression that covers more generously of the challenges of continued sobri- the broad and varied expanse of ety is to change with it. human experience, one I think that ties us with the rest of mankind in a way that was unthinkable back in the podium-pounding days of “Die, you bum, but don’t drink.” We seem to reach out from alcoholism, the family counselom disease, to a spiritual connection with but no sprsm; the family of man that does not encourage us to use the label “alcoholaware ism” to explain away our humanity. We can be grateful for the new but no homepupJJ awareness of alcoholism and that there are so many treatment centers ready and willing to help where years ago we were denied hospital beds be- 1 have been to Al-Anon and Adult cause they were needed for “sick Children and benefited from both people.” programs immensely. They do not This member wishes to propose a compete – they complete each other sober toast t o the future of our Felin my recovery. But when speaking at lowship, mindful of the now largely meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous I spiritual presence of those tough, think it’s important for me to remem- plain-talking AAs who had the words ber that I am an alcoholic. If I forget of life for me when so much of my life that, it won’t much matter what kind still lay before me. of a family 1 come from. Here’s to us! May we always take So I do have some qualms when I our primary purpose lovingly with us hear a speaker waxing Freudian into any enlargement of our awareabout his secondary alcoholism or his ness of this still cunning, baffling, passive/aggressive alcoholic subcon- and powerful spiritual malady. We scious. But then I look around at can make wise use of the expanded meetings and see all the young people understanding of our disease, progetting and staying sober. Groups get vided we never forget Tradition Five: larger and new groups sprout like “Each group has but one primary mushrooms. And the basic message is purpose-to carry its message to the still the same, “This is the way to a alcoholic who still suffers. ” faith that works.” There is a candor Jim N.,West Sprindeld, Mm.

January 1989

— – O M – t l m are g@IHngyounger Old-timers are a tiny minority in authors of the Big Book were all mid- From Englewood, Colo.: AA because of the exponential dle-aged when they got sober, they Yes, of course AA is changing, but growth of our Fellowship, and so we had been sober only a few years when the remarkable thing is that AA is en- ‘ rarely see one another. I haven’t met they wrote it, and of course, they during and basically changing so little one in quite some time, but I attend were writing it for newcomers. that it remains effective in offering a only my local meeting. 1 suspect there Perhaps there will be a need in the means of recovery for the alcoholic are quite a few sober old-timers out future for some way that these who still suffers. there who attend meetings infre- “young old-timers” can get together One change in AA is that now we quently or rarely. There are aspects of to share their experience, strength, have “old-timers.” When I came into AA experience that change over the and hope with each other. With conyears. My perspective of the way AA tinued exponential growth of AA, AA thirty-five years ago, there wereno old-timers because AA was not practice o r d e r G y life is different at they will -continue to be so dispersed that old. An old-timer then was , thirty-five years than it was at twenty- in AA that they cannot find one ansomeone with ten or twelve years of five years or at fifteen years. It would other unless we have some kind of sobriety. Now we have quite a few be nice to have the opportunity to clearinghouse, but I think an “oldmembers with thirty to forty years of compare notes with other old-timers. But I do not know where any other . , timers meeting” would be contrary to our Traditions. The main concern of sobriety. One fellow 1 know of has been sober 45 years. In the coming old-timers are, and I am busy with AA should be the newcomer. years, there will be increasing num- newcomers. Perhaps the Grapevine should seek bers of old-timers, and many of them The Fellowship has not yet evolved articles on the subject of how oldwill be young old-timers because a. body of experience and writings timers can be most useful in helping young people began coming into AA concerning the practice of the pro- alcoholics to achieve sobriety in coin larger numbers some years ago. gram for people coming into AA in operation with all the younger m a – Our primary purpose of helping adolescence or as young adults and bers of the AA group? A. H. other alcoholics to achieve sobriety living their entire adult lives by the should remain our primary purpose. I AA program. These individuals are believe the newcomer is the most im- with us now and will be with us in inportant person in the room. What creasing numbers in the years ahead. role, then, can the old-timer best play Our emphasis has been almost enin helping the newcomer to achieve tirely on how to get sober and stay sobriety? How can the old-timer be sober in the first few years. The permost useful in helping his group to be son who becomes alcoholic in adoleseffective in helping newcomers? 1 cence and finds sobriety as a young find that members with, say, two to adult experiences AA after twenty ten years sobriety can often relate bet- years of sobriety much differently ter to a newcomer than I can. So I than the person who was able to funcshare my experience in the practice of tion as a young adult, gradually bethe program with everyone, but let came alcoholic, and found sobriety in newer members do the active work middle age. The former is in his or with newcomers. her prime; the latter is in old age. The

February 1989

— many of these programs were fought Today, at forty-seven years of age, . for and started by the hard core crit- I see AA as being stronger than ever. ‘ ics who at one time said the “hospital 1see a more open love in the Fellowpeople” contributed nothing to the ship and the free extending of hope. I group. ‘see changes in AA, but changes for When I got out of the hospital and ‘the good. The basic concepts of love bkulngaabound joined h e Islip Group, there were and service are alive and well. M. O. From lslip Terrace, N.Y.: only two other young guys in AA in 1 came into AA in 1967 from the this area. Some of the old-timers Wearlng out the hammcn Central lslip State Hospital program. would say to me “I spilled more than From Mexico: I was twenty-six years old, had been you drank,” and that I didn’t have After thirty-four years in the AA on the Bowery, in hospitals, jails, etc. too much of a chance to stay in AA. way of life – the last twenty-seven I had pneumonia, had lost my equi- But a couple of people who were the sober – I’ve come to see what AA is librium, and was getting stomped on coffeemakers, the clean-up people – all about: my sobriety! Put together the streets. the backbone of the group – came by alcoholics, for alcoholics, and I called the only person who would toward me. They gave me a will to made up of alcoholics, AA is not talk to me, a Catholic priest. He said, live, a life to live, and a faith to live bound by complicated and stringent “Mike, what do I have to do, cut by. As I grew in AA the critics be- ,rules. It is a loosely knit spiritual your throat to stop you from drink- came my best friends. fellowship. ing?” I said, “Father, I’ll do any- Last April, I celebrated my twenty- I’ve grown up in AA. I’ve also thing.” He took me to Central Islip. first anniversary, and I took a look at grown old. I have found great joy, Part of the hospital program at AA today. and had that joy turn into territhat time was to go to outside AA I see a lot of people who still have ble sorrow, but I endure. What else meetings. We all had grey shirts with their families, their houses, their can I do? ClSH stamped onto the back. Most jobs. These people may never have to Many of the original AAs, if still people at the meetings remained neu- know the pain of the streets. alive, would be in their nineties, with tral to us. Some came up and tried to I see lots of young people in AA. some over 100 years of age. They be friendly. About ten percent would These young people have an honesty were born into and lived in a totally scream, “These hospital people drink and openness that I admire. Some different world, yet the basic insecurthe coffee, eat the cake, and don’t have a dual addiction problem (alco- ities common to mankind – to say contribute to the group. We’ll go hol and narcotics) just as many years nothing of all the rest of the ills of broke.” And yet these same people ago some members had a dual addic- human life- were the same. The last changed as more and more “hospital tion problem (alcohol and gambling, 5,000 years and the next 5,000 years people” stayed sober, joined groups, or alcohol and pills, for example). will be no different in my view. and became active. And yet, over the years I’ve found The anvil wears out the hammer – Today we are blessed with thou- that if a person is an alcoholic with theanvil of AA “truth” and the harnsands of meetings in hospitals, pris- other problems and he remains sober mer of “dissension.” AA as we know ons, treatment facilities, etc. There in AA, the other problems subside. If it may not survive 100 years more, are thousands of young people now the person is not an alcoholic, how- but its basic form and tmths will in AA who came in through institu- I ever, we cannot help with his other be alive and well long after AA is lions and job-related programs. And problems. gone. O. E.

February 1989 4′ t

sobriety. Oddly, that morning I had just seen a letter from the Internal Revenue Service in my mail box and I feared the Internal Revenue Service then, as I do today, more than any in- Mution. 1 left the letter there and as 1 stood outside, waiting to cross the street, 1 found myself humming something from Mozart. That moment I realized the light next to my heart was “lf 1 could have planned my life aglow again and, no matter how dif- Thirty-three years, a day at a time- sober I would have shortchanged my- ficult my circumstances have been the first in a series of interviews self. Sober, I have loved more and ex- since, the light has never gone out. “How does AA today compare with some of M s “old-timers” perienced feelings that 1 couldn’t allow myself when I was drinking. So with AA in 1955? In a nutshell, it is manv things have moved me in won- better. The most difficult changes are hen I told Louis M. the provi- matic dispute as to whether we are re- derful ways. 1 love people, ideas, my when things that you are fond of sional title of this interview, he covered alcoholics or recovering alco- two dogs that died last year, memo- change. Like the time twelve longtime asked me to change the word “day” holics. The argument raged at meet- ries. 1 don’t have many secrets today. members of Chelsea-Riverside left to “moment” because sometimes ings for months and was never re- 1 love classical music. When 1go to a that group to form Westside Step bethings had been so hard for him in so- solved. I don’t know if I’m recovered concert I’m like an innocent boy cause they felt Chelsea was getting , briety – as during one hospital stay or recovering. Sometimes I feel like I ready to be captured by the music. too big. There is no substitute for when for a number of weeks he might make no progress at all. I call myself “1 can remember receiving a cou- friends. 1 have always been amazed at have died at any second – that he ex- a sober alcoholic. ple of major gifts in sobriety. One the total openness and trust AA periences life as this moment of con- “Now that I have thirty-three years had to do with an unfocused sense of offered. In the beginning, I couldn’t sciousness. The beauty of the Fellow- there are times I don’t feel like telling guilt that had overwhelmed me all my believe that no one followed me out ship, he went on to say, is that we are people that I have that much time. life. Though it was unfocused it con- of meetings to be sure I wasn’t always allowed to reinterpret the Others have said they feel the same trolled all my relationships. When I drinking. principles for ourselves. “Some peo- way about it. I guess we expect to be was three-and-a-half years sober that “After I had been sober for five ple are dogmatic about how to work judged like major league ballplayers, feeling of guilt lifted and, with the ex- years I thought 1 was smart and knew the Steps and it used to upset me,” yet I don’t have big statistics. I do ception of a few brief pangs, has all about the program. After ten Lou said. “But 1 now understand have something else though, a sober never come back. This opened my years I thought I knew everything that their message might be the only knowledgeabout life. That no matter life. I became curious, A thousand there is to know about life. After , one that will give a path to a partic- what strange ideas I have, or what things attracted me. I love science, its twenty years I realized I didn’t know ular newcomer. confused discussions go on in my discoveries including superconductiv- very much. It’s all spiritual. The only “Diversity is strength, all right,” head, I know today I am not crazy. I ity. I don’t know if I will live to see special thing is being sober. I don’t Lou continued. “If someone has a know I’m all right. superconductivity implemented in pray for good things for myself, I different view I might even learn “During the last two years of my something from them. AA would fall our lives but I read everything I can pray only to know his will for me and drinking 1 had no hope. My phrasing find on it. the power to carry it out.” apart if it did not allow differences in was ‘I had no hope of finding hope.’ I Thanks for the interview, Lou. opinion. I can remember one dog- “About five years into sobriety I had been to psychoanalysts, religions received the most generous gift of my Bernie B., New York, N.Y.

May 1 9 8 9

during the first year was on a total I repeat them, but each time I r.

( ‘AnElectricity That i] immersion in the Fellowship. I am them I change a little.” grateful for all the people I was fortu- One day, a few years after comb a

nate enough to be with then, even into the Fellowship, Frances had a those who continued to drink and sel- budden self-realization: She appeared

(Comes from Sharing’) dom came to meetings. They all . so self-sufficient that many people helped me. were afraid to approach her. Recog- “We were told to learn to listen to nizing this as an old posture she had what other people said rather than taken to keep people away, she immeshare, because if you only heard the diately began to reach out to strang- The second in a series of interviews thoughts going on in your own head ers at meetings. “By giving we can with some of AA’s “old-timers” you’d keep going around in circles. bring so much to other people,” she People got to know me, and as the said. “There are always people willdays passed, I got to know myself ing to talk with you at meetings. It hat are some of the rewards the only way I could change from through other people. took me years to realize that I had of thirty-one years of sobri- what I was. Sober, life gets easier and “We begin to recover by taking re- something to give.” ety?” 1 asked Frances B. easier. Gratitude is the answer. It sponsibility for ourselves. By feeling Frances still goes to meetings and Laughing cheerfully, yet shaking takes me out of myself. When I was pride in starting a new, small job. tells others that they had better keep her head at the imponderables of life, drinking, nothing satisfied me. If 1 Having a choice. Understanding going or there won’t be a meeting one she said her home group had recently couldn’t have what 1 wanted, I didn’t what we can or cannot do. Thinking day when they need one. For her rewarded her regular attendance by want anything. And I could never see we can’t make it and then, with the there is an intimacy about meetings, a pressing the coffee maker’s job on what I had. Sober I can enjoy what help of others, getting through diffi- roomful of people trusting each her for the next six months. After comes my way. cult circumstances. other. Today she believes her Higher admitting to feelings that thirty-one “The first night I went to a meeting “There have been lots of troubles Power communicates to her through years of service in AA should exempt and saw AA’s Twelve Steps on the in my sober life and lots to learn. In other people. her from making coffee, she told me wall I felt like a load was lifted from retrospect, things have always come “It’s hard work going to meetthis feeling alone told her to take the my back. I no longer felt ashamed. I out for the best even though they ings,” she said. “It’s hard work lookjob. And her face brightened when knew everyone had a skeleton in their haven’t always come out the way I ing at yourself but there is an electricshe recounted that – as in all her closet so it didn’t matter if they saw wanted them to at the time. I found I ity that comes from sharing.” She other service in AA – she had al- mine. could be successful without fame and said that every five to seven years she ready received more from the new- “There were fewer women in the fortune. I found that I could make reaches a new plateau. She is given a comers she met while she made the Fellowship then, and some of the mature decisions. Sober is a more choice then of going forward or going coffee than she had given to the job. men were really tough. They told me I graceful way of living; there is an back. Sometimes she has stayed a lit- “Sometimes I have to remind my- would never make it, 1 was too easier flow. Sober, I feel surges of tle longer on a plateau before moving self that service is what life is all young, and had more to learn. But I warmth and life all the time. Sober, I forward. Yet each move has made her about,” Frances said. “It can be hard immersed myself in the Fellowship learned to love for the first time. life easier, smoother, more peaceful. work, yet it brings great rewards.” and never drank again. “When drinking, most of us think “A sober life is never boring,” She went on to say, “I was so self- “We got sober slower in those we are the best and the worst at every- Frances said. “There’s always so centered and insecure when I came in. days. Most of the hospitals were still thing. I was afraid to do anything much more to give the world as well I think we all are. I am grateful to be turning sick alcoholics out into the then. I never learned from my mis- as to get from it.” an alcoholic because this disease was street to die in 1957. The emphasis takes. I still make mistakes sober, and Bernie B., New York, N.Y.

4′ ‘ June 1989 . —– – .

w hen I was sober less than a year in Alcoholics Anonymous, I longed for the “prestige” of five gems when I share and expect that you will take my “wisdom” to heart? I need to remind myself that wisdom is not all that hard to come by in AA. am an AA old-timer? Does it occur to me that more success on the job – and more money would be forthcoming if only my years. As I approached five, I yearned for the “recognition” of ten and Wisdom begins the first day for each ; employers knew exactly who 1 was? I

fifteen. At twenty-five, and later, oneof us and grows with our sobriety. Do I get impatient with long lines there’ve been moments when I’ve had Do I expect my home group to keep at the market, bank, or gas station no doubt that I had “arrived.” Papa me in office because of my “vast expe- and imagine that 1 should be allowed Ego was glutting himself on a menu rience”? When I take a minute to look to go to the head of the line because, of attitudes until he was fairly burst- at the record, 1 see that it was made after all. . .? ing at the seams. possible for me to hold office in my In failed relationships, do I take I have found myself expecting all early AA life thanks to the fact that full blame because I’ve been sober a kinds of acknowledgment simply older members rotated out. They long time and should have known because of my sober longevity. It was showed me, by example, that they better? (Even nonalcoholics know only recently, when I met a contented cared enough about me to give me the that usually in these situations more to th&k about my length of same chance they had been given. than one party is at fault!) in terms of what Bill W. ‘Ihey also showed me something Do 1 quietly meddle in the lives of expectations.” I about humility: They didn’t get my friends, believing that I can solve got out the old, dusty inventory pad swelled heads and act as if they were their problems because 1 have apparand headed up the page “Self- the only ones who could do the job. ently solved the major problem in centeredness, aka Uniqueness and Do I try to manipulate group events my own life?

0ldrnMs Big-shotism.” Here are some of the questions I asked myself. Am 1 long-windkd at meetings, (as I did in the beginning), using my length of sobriety as a weapon? In social settings, do I pretend to Thanks to this mini-Fourth Step and to an ongoing Tenth, 1 am happy to report that Papa Ego has gone on a ~hecklih imagining that I isoweit t o thegroup” to talk at length in order to share my information and worldly experience that 1 imagine I should have because I diet and his weight is stabilizing. W.H., New York, N.Y. exclusive store of experience, strength, and hope? Do I get annoyed when I am not called on or when I am not listened to? Maybe I don’t show it, but d o I think it or feel it? My drunkenness was a selfish experience but recovery is a group activity. We all get sober together or none of us get sober. There are a lot of us at meetings and common sense ought to tell me (and it will if I listen) that everyone at a discussion meeting cannot always be called on. Do I expect of myself that I utter

August 1989

F. was one of our babies. I am told he later became a leader in that area. In ‘Think this idea over 1950 I moved to San Francisco. I had been one of those members who stayed with the program but in youranswer when I spurts. I simply could not stand prosperity and what 1 considered success. t started in Georgetown, an area be asked to make Twelfth Step calls, return. And, by the But the end had to come and it did. next to Boeinn Field. in Seattle. day or night. Should you choose to After nine years of in and out con- Washington. w he-presidint had died do all this, I will put you in a board- way, I’ll expect you to duct I again hit bottom. a few weeks before. Germany had ing house, pay the bills, and help you Well into my fourth decade of sober surrendered and Japan was about get started after you are on your feet. wpay me’ AA living now, what has it got me? finished. Most of the world’s popula- Think this idea over carefully and Let me tell you. tion had been trying to kill each other give me your answer when I return. mons in churches about how AA and As my friend Dr. Earle M. says, since 1938. I was homeless and on the And, by the way, I’ll expect you to God had got them sober. News stor- “Sobriety gives me peace of mind streets. It was early July 1945. repay me when you are able to do ies came out about people, by name, and serenity sometimes lasting ten or At the suggestion of a bartender, I so.” I instantly knew what my answer who had been “cured” by AA – fifteen seconds.” But 1 had never excalled Alcoholics Anonymous. It was would be. some of them sober for several perienced that condition before. It not too long before Dale A., the per- The next few weeks were the most weeks. Our meeting had arguments gave me the opportunity to give back son I consider the father of AA in the exciting of my life. I entered a world about using the Bible in meetings. a self-satisfying amount of labor and Pacific Northwest, and Jack F., who which, sadly, no longer exists. I was Some members withdrew over the re- love to AA and its people. I’ve been later became my sponsor, took over living with other people just like me, ligion problem and started a new able to share my experience, strength, my life. They put me in a hotel room meeting people like no others on group in one of the Seattle hotels. and hope with thousands of new and assigned someone to care for me. earth. We were a tight little group, They became known as the “Christ- members over the years. I’ve learned With the help of some shots of whis- utterly dependent upon each other. I ers” and those of us who stayed were that 1 am responsible for me. I can no key, I slowly sobered up. For the first think most of us felt that it was us the “Anti-Christers.” There were longer blame anyone on earth for time in years, I had to face reality. against the world, or more accurately also arguments over the newly sug- what has come down in my life. I am Jack gave me the Big Book and that we were a separate world. Al- gested Traditions. What should be in happy, contented, retired for fifteen suggested that I read it carefully. most forty-four years later I can still them? Who should be the boss? It is years, financially secure, and able to Having done that, he then asked me see the faces of Dale, Jack, Dick, my firm belief that without the Tradi- love most people. 1 have traveled and the big one: “Do you want to learn to Moe, Pete P., Harold, George F., tions which grew out of all this, there visited AA groups in many countries live without alcohol?” Then he con- Everett, and so many more. would be no AA today, at least not as and in most of the States. I have tinued, “Before you answer, you 1 think it was Harold who suggested we know it. friends everywhere. In January 1988, should understand that it is not easy. that I might be too young to make the In early 1946 I went to Tacoma and I went to New York where Frank M. You will also go to our weekly meet- program and, in addition, he found took over a real estate office there. It and Neil Wing (nonalcoholic former . ing. You will be asked to take the me to be somewhat arrogant. Imag- had been run and owned by an AA GSO archivist) took me to visit Lois Twelve Steps you read about in the ine, an arrogant alcoholic! Well, he who got drunk and abandoned us. W. at Stepping Stones. This is somebook, d o a written inventory, talk proved to be right. Within days it became AA headquar- thing I will always treasure. Lois died about your faults, make restitution to It was clear that we needed the Tra- ters. We put ads in the paper, went to a few months later at the age of many people. This should be done ditions. There were anonymity breaks hospitals and churches, and revived ninety-seven. face-to-face where practical. You will everywhere. Members preached ser- AA in Tacoma to some extent. George 1 have saved the greatest experience

of my life for last. About one year Frequently I stop and think that to ago it was discovered that I had a very have this all I did was take the Twelve serious health problem, a life-threat-. Steps and Twelve Traditions of AA ening one. We have a magazine called, seriously and try very hard to live my the Grapevine which I have read since life in accordance with their simple 1945. But we have another grapevine. message. I keep in close touch with It is magic. News travels over it with AA by going to many meetings. But I the speed of light. Word of my illness must never get the idea that all AA spread. Calls arrived from all over the asks is to just “go to meetings.” I frecountry. Cards were sent to me. I quently ask myself this question, have even had several cards and let- “What would AA be like if everyone ters from Russia and Lithuania where in it gave back the same effort that I I have visited. All the messages said: do?” Would there be a coffee maker? “We love you and you are in our A secretary? Someone to rack up the prayers.” Several of them moved me chairs? A central office? A GSR or to tears since they were filled with other workers? love – a letter, call, or card saying, I will be eighty years young on “Ted, you don’t know me but I know August 8th. I know of no one I would you. I heard you or met you at such trade lives with. And all this started and such a place and your message with the kindness of a bartender. helped me.” ‘IE , Santa Rosa, Calif.

June 1990

moving.” The tall hobo who had on. We passed through small towns. spoken grabbed me by the arm. Soon the train was threading its way “Come on, kid. We’ll help you.” between factories and huge ware- On came the long train, headlight houses, crossing tracks with brisk gleaming. Car after car passed, all clatter, coming into a railway yard. loaded, doors carded and sealed. Brakes went on. They helped me off. Then three em~ties.The tall hobo be- We were in Detroit. ‘ ‘gan to run, piiked me up and pushed My hobo friends parted at a street This is the first in an intermittent series of personal stories ,me through the open door of the sec- corner. The tall one took me along which first appeared at the back of the first and second ond car, got in himself and helped his right into town and got a room for editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were buddy aboard. both of us with “Mother Kelly,” a later dropped from the third edition. By presenting a representative sampling of these stories in the months to come, the Grapevine hopes to offer newcomers a chance to meet – in print – some of the Fellowship’s early members.

Fourteen years old met my first hoboes. They talked of and strong, I was places I had never heard of. This ready – an Amer- town was good. A fellow could get by ican Whittington on the Bowery all winter if he knew who knew a better the ropes; that other town was “hos-‘ way to get places tile”; thirty days for “vag” awaited Suddenly I felt big. I had got away! kindly Irish landlady if ever there was :. The “clear the you in another if you didn’t hit the The two hoboes talked, the tall one one. “Sit tight, kid,” he said. 1’11 way” whistle of a fast freight thun- cinders before the ioad “bulls” fine- about getting work in Detroit, the see you through as much as I.can. Me dering over the crossing on the tracks combed the train. other arguing for staying on’the road. to find a job.” a mile away was a siren call.. Sneaking Then they noticed me. Somehow a Then the one who had boosted me up He got a job. For almost two years ‘ away from my farm home one night, new kid is always an object of interest began to quiz me. I told him I had run he looked after me. He was always I made my way to the distant yards. to the adventurers of the rails. away from the farm. In a sort of halt- vigilant, steering me past the snares Ducking along a lane between two “Where ya makin’ for, kid?” ing way he told me not to get the train and pitfalls that are always in the made-up trains that seemed endless, I I had heard one of then1 mention habit or it would get me until I would path of a growing boy. This hobo, made my way to the edge of the “Dee-troit” and it seemed as good an always want to be moving. The rock- Tom Casey, who never talked much yards. Here and there I passed a si- answer as any. 1 had no plans, just ing motion of the car as the train in- about himself or his experiences exlent, waiting figure. Then a little wanted to get away – anywhere – creased speed became a cradle song ir. cept as a warning illustration of group talking among themselves. just away! my ears. I fell asleep. “What not to do,” made me start a Edging in, I listened eagerly. I had “The Michigan Manifest will be It was way past dawn when I awoke. bank account and keep it growing. It Reptinted wlth permission of MWwld Services. Inc. along any minute now; I think she’s My two companions were already is to him I owe the fact that I didn’t sitting up and talking. The day wore become a “road kid,” that I never

became a hobo. Came a day when he “a good time,” finally becoming regleft me. The road was calling him, he ular carousals and debauches over “Somehow I think you are in earexplained, although that never Saturday and Sunday. 1 had the usual nest,” he said. “I believe you mean seemed to me to be the reason. I never saw Tom Casey again, but from this experiences of being slipped a “Mickey Finn” and getting slugged and ‘What a heel I’ve it. I’ll give you a chance and help you man I received my first lesson in the rolled for my money. These had no de- tumed out to be, ‘ to make good.” He shook my hand in friendship guiding and compelling principle of terrent effect. I could always get jobs and encouragement. I strode from the Good Life. “Love thy neighbor and live comfortably again in a few his office with high hope. “John Baras thyself.” weeks. Soon, however, I tired of the leycorn will never make a bum out of I was city-wise by this time, uncon- weary routine of working and drink- – me again,” I told myself with detertaminated to be sure, thanks to my friend. No longer a “boy rube in ing. 1 began to dislike the city. Somehow my boyhood days on the farm back there – mination. For three months I drove my route the big town,” I found a job quickly didn’t seem to be so bad at a distance. no money – what steadily with never a hitch. My emenough but I missed Tom. I began to No, I didn’t go home, but found hang around pool rooms and it was work not too far away. I still drank. I can they do?’ ployers were satisfied. I felt pretty good. I was really on the wagon this inevitable that I soon learned to han- soon got restless and took a freight time, wasn’t I? dle a schooner of beer and an occa- for a Michigan city, arriving there Yes indeed, I was on the wagon cession. I was soon back on the park sional “shot.” Jobs were plentiful. If broke late at night. I set out to look for good. benches. And once more I got a break I didn’t feel right in the morning after for friends. They helped me find I soon repaid my debt to my friend when everything seemed dark. An old a night with the “corner gang” I work. Slowly 1 began to climb the friend volunteered to get me a job for his stake in me and even saved a didn’t go to work. 1 lost jobs. My industrial ladder once more and even- driving a bus. He said he would buy little money. The feeling of security bank account dwindled, disappeared tually achieved a responsible position increased. It was summer and, hot me a uniform and give me the hospientirely. My new barroom friends as a machine setter in a large plant. I tality of his home if I would promise and tired at the end of the day, I bewere little help. I was broke. was sitting on top of the world again. to quit drinking. Of course I prom- gan to stop at a speakeasy on my way It was summer and the park The sense of accomplishment I had ised. I had been working about three home. Detroit beer was good then, benches, hard and uncomfortable as now told me that I had earned the days when the bus line superintendent almost like old-time pre-Prohibition they were, appealed to me more than right to have enjoyable weekends stuff. “This is the way to do it,” I called me into his office. the squalid “flops” of the city’s once more. The weekends began to “Young fellow,” he said. “In your would say to myself. “~iickto beer. slums. So I slept out a few nights. extend to Tuesday and Wednesday application you state that you don’t After all, it’s really a food and it sure Young and full of energy, I hunted until I frequently worked only from hits the spot after a trick of wheeling use alcoholic liquors. Now, we alfor work. The war was on and work Thursday to Saturday with the bottle that job around in this man’s town. ways check a man’s references and 1 was easy to get. I became a machine- always in my mind. In a vague sort of three of the firms you have worked It’s the hard liquor that gets a man ‘ shop hand, progressing rapidly from way I had set a time to quit drinking for say you’re a highly capable man, down. Beer for mine.” drillpress to milling machine to lathe. but that was at least fifteen years Even with all the hard lessons of but you have the drink habit.” I could quit a job one day and have a away and “What the hell!” I said to 1 looked at him. It was all true, I bitter experience behind me I did not new one the next with more money. myself. “I’m going to have a good admitted, but 1 had been out of work realize that thinking along that line Soon I again had a good boarding- time while I’m young.” house, clothes and money. But I never such a long time that I welcomed this was a definite red light on my road in Then I was fired. Piqued, I drank job as an opportunity to redeem my- life – a real danger sign. started another bank account. “Plenty up my last pay check and when I got self. 1 told him what I had promised The evening glass of beer led, as of time for that,” I thought. My week- sober found another job – then an- my friend, that I was sincerely doing usual, to the night when 1 didn’t get ends were spent in my conception of other – and another in quick suc- my best and not drinking a drop. I away from the bar until midnight. I asked him to give me a chance. began to need a bracer in the morn-

I ing. Beer, I knew from experience, formerly, or so it seemed to me. was simply no good as a bracer – all The new location seemed ideal – They came and talked with me. Rev- be!” I soliloquized. “My wife and right as a thirst quencher perhaps, but no acquaintances, no entanglements, erend gentlemen, who knew nothing two kids back there – no money lacking action and authority the next no boon companions to entice me. I of my problem, pointed me to the what can they do? I should have anmorning. I needed a jolt. made up my mind to leave liquor age-old religious formula. I would other try at it. Maybe I’ll never get The morning jolt became a habit. alone and get ahead. But I forgot one have none of it. It left me cold. Now, well, but at least I can earn a dollar or Then it got to be several jolts until boon companion, one who was al- with hope gone, I haunted the mean two now and then – fnr them.” I was generally pretty well organized ways at my elbow, one who followed thoroughfares of speakeasy districts, I took another freight back home. when I started to work. Spacing my me from city to farm and back to with my mind on nothing but the next Despite my absence, my job was still drinks over the day I managed not city. I had forgotten about John Bar- drink. I managed to work enough to open. I went to work, but it was no to appear drunk, just comfortable leycorn. maintain a slim hold on my job. Then go. 1 would throw a few dollars at my as I drove along the crowded thor- Even so, the good resolutions held I began to reason with myself. wife on payday and drink up what oughfares of the city. Then came for a time – new job, comfortable “What good are you!” I would was left. I hated my surroundings, the accident. home and understanding helpmate, say. “Your wife and children would hated my job, my fellow-workers – On one of the avenues a man dart- they all helped. We had a son and be better off if they never saw you the whole town. I tried Detroit again, ed from between parked cars right in soon came another. We began to again. Why don’t you get away and landing there with a broken arm. my path. I swung the bus sharply over make friends and moved in a small never come back? Let them forget How I got it 1’11 never know for I was to keep from hitting him but couldn’t social circle of my fellow-workers about you. Get away – get away far gone in drink when I left. My quite make it. He died in the hospital. and their wives and families. Those anywhere – that’s the thing to do.” wife’s relatives returned me to my Passenger and sidewalk witnesses were still bootleg days. Drinks were That night, coatless and hatless, I home in a few days. I became morose, absolved me completely. Even if I always available but nobody seemed hopped a freight for Pittsburgh. The mooning around the house by myhad been completely sober I couldn’t to get very drunk. We just had a good following day I walked the streets of self. Seeing me come home, my wife time, welcome surcease after a week the Smoky City. I offered to work at would leave a little money on the have cleared him. The company investigation immediately after the of toil. Here were none of the rowdy a roadside stand for a meal. I got the table, grab the children and flee. I debauches that I had known. I had meal, walked on, sat down by the was increasingly ugly. Now, all hope accident showed me blameless but my discovered “social drinking,” how to roadside to think. was gone entirely. I made several atsuperiors knew I had been drinking. “What a heel I’ve turned out to tempts on my life. My wife had to They fired me – not for the accident “drink like a gentleman and hold my – but for drinking on the job. liquor.” There is no point in reiter- Well, once more I felt I had enough ating the recurrence of experience of city life and found a job on an up- already described. The “social drinkstate farm. While there I met a young ing” didn’t hold up. I became the schoolteacher, fell in love with her bootlegger’s first morning customer. ‘ and she with me. We were married. How I ever managed to hold the job I F a n work was not very remunerative had I don’t know. I began to receive for a young couple so we went succes- the usual warnings from my superisively to Pontiac, Michigan and later ors. They had no effect. I had now to an industrial city in Ohio. For come to an ever-deepening realizaeconomy’s sake we had been living tion that I was a drunkard, that there with my wife’s people, but somehow was no help for me. we never seemed able to get ahead. 1 I told my wife that. She sought was still drinking but not so much as counsel of her friends and my friends.

hide any knives and hammers. She gradually wore off and one day I fell came the first ray of hope I had seen. year for the second time. feared for her own safety. I feared for into casual conversation with another “Listen fellow,” he said, looking He told me his story briefly and my mind – feared that I was break- patient – another alcoholic. We at me with ten times the earnestness went on to tell me of a certain cure for ing – that I would end up insane. began to compare notes. I told him of the many good citizens and other alcoholism – the only certain cure. I Finally the fear got so terrible that I frankly that I was in despair, that well-intentioned persons who had had anticipated hearing of some new asked my wife to have me “put away” no thinking I had ever been able to tried their best to help me. “Listen to treatment, some newly discovered legally. There came a morning when, do had shown me a way of escape, me. I know a way out. I know the panacea that I had not heard of, somealone in my room, 1 began to wreck that all my attempts to try will power only answer. And I know it works.” thing which no doubt combined drugs it, breaking the furniture, destroying (well meaning persons had often I stared at him in amazement. There and mental healing. But it was neither everything in sight. Desperate, my said, “Why don’t you use your will were several mild mental cases in the one nor the other; it was certainly not wife had to employ the means I had power?” – as if will power were a place and, little as I knew about their a mixture of any kind. suggested to her in the depths of alco- faculty one could turn on and off like exhibitions of tendencies, I knew that He spoke of a group of some 30 holic despair. Loath to have me com- a faucet!) had been of no avail. even in a normal conversation, strange men in my town who were ready to mitted to the state asylum, still trying “Being in here and getting fixed up ideas might be expected. Was this take me by the hand and call me by to save something from the wreckage temporarily,” I told him bitterly, “is fellow perhaps a little balmy – a wee my first name. They would call me of my life and hers, she had me placed no good. I know that only too well. I bit off? Here was a man, an admitted “Friend” without canting or rantin a hospital, hoping against hope can see nothing but the same old story alcoholic like myself, trying to tell me ing. He told me they met once a week to save me. over again. I’m simply unable to quit. he knew the remedy for my situation. to talk over their experiences, how I was placed under restraint. The When I get out of here I’m going to I wanted to hear what he had to sug- they tried to help each other, how treatment was strenuous – no alco- blow town.” gest but made the reservation that he they spent their time in helping men hol – just bromides and sleeping My fellow-patient and newfound was probably a little “Nutty.” At the like me. potions. The nights were successions acquaintance looked at me a long same time I was ready to listen, like “1 know it sounds strange, incredof physical and mental agony. It was time and finally spoke. From the any drowning man, to grasp at even ible, maybe,” he said. “I slipped, got weeks before I could sit still for any most unexpected quarter in the’world, a straw. drunk after being sober for a year, length of time. I didn’t want to talk to from a man who was in the same posi- – My friend smiled, he knew what I but I’m going back to try again. I anyone and cared less to listen. That tion I was in, from a fellow-alcoholic, was thinking. “Yes,” he continued. know it works.” ‘!Forget that I’m here. Forget that Helpless, without faith in myself or I’m just another ‘rummy.’ But I had anyone else, entirely doubtful that the answer once – the only answer.” the fellow really had something, I He seemed to be recalling his very b e ~ a nto ask questions. 1 had to be recent past. Looking at me earnestly, interested or go crazy. his voice impressive in its sincerity, he “How do you go about this went on. “For more than a year be- where do 1 have to go?” I asked. fore coming here I was a sober man, “You don’t have to go anywhere,” thoroughly dry. I wasn’t just on the he said. “Someone will come to you.” wagon. I was dry! And I would still He didn’t go into any detail, just told be dry if I had stuck to the plan which me that much and little more. 1 did kept me sober all that time.” some thinking that afternoon. Call- Let me say here that he later went ing one of the nurses I asked her to back to the very plan he told me about get in touch with my wife and have and’has been sober for more than a her come to see me that evening.

She came during visiting hours. my release found me a somewhat She expected, I know, to hear me shame-faced but intensely curious plead for instant release from the attendant at a meeting in a private place. I didn’t talk about that. In my home in this city. Some forty others lame way I told her the story. It made were present. For the first time I saw little impression. a fellowship I had never known in “It doesn’t sound right,” she said. actual operation. I could actually feel “If this plan – and for the life of me it. I learned that this could be mine, I don’t quite get it from what you’ve that I could win my way to sobriety told me – if this plan is successful, and sanity if I would follow a few why is this fellow back here himself?” precepts, simple in statement, but I was stumped. 1 was too ignorant profound and far-reaching in their about the thing myself to be capable effect if followed. It penetrated to my of explaining it clearly to her. “I don’t inner consciousness that the mere know,” 1 said. “1’11 admit it sounds offering of lip-service wasn’t enough. queer, the way this fellow is and all Still ignorant, still a little doubting, that, but somehow I feel there’s some- but deadly in earnest, I made up my thing to it. Anyhow, I want to know mind to make an honest effort to try. more about it.” That was two years ago. The way She went away skeptically. But the has not been easy. The new way of next day I had a visitor, a doctor who life was strange at first, but all my had been himself an alcoholic. He thoughts were on it. The going was told me a little more about the plan. sometimes slow; halting were my He was kindly, didn’t offer any cut steps among the difficulties of the and dried formula to overcome my path. But always, when troubles life-long difficulty. He presented no came, when doubts assailed and tempreligious nostrums, suggested no tation was strong and the old desire saving rituals. Later he sent some of returned, I knew where to go for aid. the other ex-alcoholics of the group Helping others also strengthened me to see me. and helped me to grow. A few days later my fellow-alco- Today I have achieved, through all holic was released, and shortly after- these things, a measure of happiness ward I was allowed to go home also. and contentment I had never known Through the man who first told me of before. Material success has mattered the plan 1 was introduced to several little. But I know that my wants will other members of the group of for- be taken care of. mer alcoholics. They told me their I expect to have difficulties every experiences. Many were men of for- day of my life; I expect to encounter mer affluence and position. Some stops and hindrances, but now there had hit even lower levels than I had. is a difference. I have a new and tried The first Wednesday evening after foundation for every new day.

September 1990

and I moved to Yonkers, New York years old. There was the usual adjustin 1950. But I had neglected some- ment period in a strange country. At thing important – “First Things the age of fifteen in high school, I First” -and I found a lot of excuses experienced my first drink. I never to miss meetings. So of course the seemed to drink like my peers, but was inevitable happened and 1 got drunk always getting sick and always makagain. For the next two years I was ing friends with my type of drinker. back and forth – sober, then drunk How I graduated is beyond me. My again. I made two trips to Towns mother had always pushed me into Hospital. One time they didn’t want beauty contests (which I won) and to keep me because I was in such bad that led to a short stint in show busishape with DTs. While there, I had ness, which was ruined by my alcothe privilege of meeting the fabulous holism. Two marriages failed, both Dr. Silkworth who had such beauti- because of alcoholism. The progres- II joined AA in Springfield, Massachusetts in 1944 at the strong suggestion of a judge. There were four and other bills. We also used our own home phone. number for contacts. The other members guarded their ful piercing eyes that looked right sion of the disease was very rapid. through you, ‘down to your soul. It When my first arrests started, my was there that I found out that this parents were puzzled but supportive other members in the group and I was anonymity because they were well- disease progresses even when we are to the best of their ability. But their the only woman. A dentist by the known business and political men. not drinking. patience soon wore out. More than name of Dr. D. had gone to Boston I was slow to completely surrender I finally got sober for good. I will once I would be released in the mornand brought the message back from at first and slipped a few times at the celebrate thirty-five years of continu- ing and back again the same night that area. beginning. I met Bill W. in 1945 when ous sobriety on October 16, 1990. because I went right back to the bars At that time we didn’t have any I was a patient in a private sanitarium How or why did I become an alco- and always managed to get into some place to meet except restaurants, in New Hampshire. He was traveling holic? I don’t know and I don’t care. sort of trouble. More than one night 1 hotel lobbies, and my home. We had around New England to see how the If my parents or grandparents had a slept in hallways or doorways. only the Big Book and each other to program was progressing and offer- problem it is no concern of mine. I Today I can thank the judge who attain and maintain our sobriety. We ing words of encouragement. It was was an only child, so I have no broth- told me to look into this new “club,” never heard of ninety meetings in at the sanitarium that I witnessed my ers or sisters to compare myself with. as he called it, or I’d be back behind ninety days. That would have been first examples of wet brain, which is What is important is that I am an al- bars for a long time. It was in AA that impossible because there was only enough to frighten anyone into sobri- coholic and AA is my medicine, and I learned I wasn’t a bad person but a one meeting a week in a hundred- ety. It was also there that it took just as important as my heait and lung very sick one. mile area. seven men to put me in a straitjacket. medication. Today I hear a lot of ana- I’ve been through a lot in my near- My nonalcoholic husband was def- In those days they tapered us off with lyzing instead of utilizing. For my- ly thirty-five years of sobriety – the initely a co-founder of our little paraldehyde, a combination of ether . self, I can’t afford to delve into the death of my parents, the death of my group. He borrowed chairs from the and alcohol. It is horrible tasting but whys or hows – I have to put as much son. 1 also had a massive coronary in bar next to his place of business and very effective for treating DTs. I had effort into maintaining my sobriety 1977 and I have emphysema. Howallowed us to use his clubroom with- many experiences seeing things and as I did into feeding my disease. ever, I manage to get to one or two out charge for meetings. When we hearing things that were a figment of I was born in Scotland but we meetings a week – my health and could finally afford to rent a small my imagination. moved back to England when I was a weather permitting. My husband is room, my husband willingly allowed I finally got three years of con- baby. My parents came to this coun- afflicted with myasthenia gravis (an the use of his name for rent receipts tinuous sobriety. Then my husband try from England when I was ten incurable disease) but is still a pillar

habs. We spent more personal time with our pigeons – staying in their .’As bngas I keep my homes, babysitting, doing laundry if necessary, and staying with them in own home in wder and shifts until they were able to get to a meeting. hep the Twebe Steps It’s so wonderful to see the younger people coming in today. They have a in my lij2, I can chance to miss some of the YETS and they have many more avenues of help still cavy the messqqe available to them today. But please to the alcoholic who give us old-timers a break! We need you, too. Remember, you are the oldis still suffert*?g’ timers of tomorrow. I realize that AA has come a long way and a lot of changes have beof strength. Thank God that this hus- come necessary. Some people get two band had faith in me and also in AA. or three years of sobriety and go into When I was younger and healthier, counseling and I’m sure it helps a lot I belonged to the institutional com- of people. However, I feel I don’t mittee and had the privilege of speak- need a degree to help and talk to aning at many prisons, jails, and de- other alcoholic. As long as 1 keep my toxes. In the beginning, there weren’t own house in order and keep the any fancy detoxes and rehabs. We Twelve Steps in my life, I can still wound up in jail or prison and I expe- carry the message to the alcoholic rienced a few places that should not who is still suffering. There is plenty have been allowed to operate – real of volunteer work desperately needed snake pits! in prisons, hospitals, institutions, and There are hundreds of groups in detoxes. The satisfaction received any given area today, but I still be- from this kind of work is something long to the first group that I came to money can’t buy. when I moved here. I can visit as I am old enough to be a grandmany groups as I want to, but for me mother to a lot of newcomers today that would be spreading my service – in fact, I am a grandmother. I’ve too thin. My loyalty belongs to my been subscribing to the Grapevine home group. since its first issue and it gets better all I’m not able to do the amount of the time. I wish there were more sponsoring and twelfth-step work Grapevine reps in groups today. Keep that I once was able to do, but I am up the good work. God bless you all, able t o do some. Of course, years keep coming. ago, we didn’t have detoxes and re- Pat C.,Yonkers, N.Y

September 1990

cannot change (his son was killed), in, get well, and grow. I guess the real but he understands that in time he old-timers watched me that way too. will get used to it and eventually the Last night a man showed me his sixpain will get bearable. teen-year chip and reminded me that Whenever 1 run into real old-timers, nobody believed he would make it I beg them t o keep coming back be- back then. I remember – he was a cause I am following in their foot- pretty sad case. But then I was five steps. It scares me when I’m the years sober, and I was a pretty sad senior member in the meeting because case too that year. Sometimes they I really need people to follow. I al- tell me that something I said made a ways get choked up visualizing Bill big difference to them in their early W.’s description of being led by the sobriety, but just as often the newcomhand of someone ahead and reaching ers say something that helps me a lot. out to take the hand of someone be- Being an old-timer means getting hind, in a never ending chain around in touch with my mortality. There’s the world. I’m glad I’m not a realold- Jack: For some ten years, 1 was his timer, no matter what they call me. backup on the AA telephone the first I’m not ready for that much responsi- Friday of every month. For ten years bility yet. I do what I can. we had been on the phone together Sometimes I get caught up in re- and had never met, but he was always membering what AA was like when I so cheerful I looked forward to my was still dying the gray out of my hair shift every month. Now he has cancer and wearing miniskirts and beads and has to resign, but I finally met while the flower children were still him at a mutual friend’s tenth birthsmoking grass on Haight Street and day party last fall. What a thrill to In fact, last year, we had a reunion of memories from my child- Telegraph Avenue. We took over the meet him at lad! . the young people who were in AA in the late sixties. We didn’t do very well at getting the word out, not being promotion-oriented people, but about thirty-five attended. Some people I hadn’t seen in twenty years. There were a lot of hugs and tears that day. Sometimes, they call me an oldhood are starting to surface, and

hold a job or make a business pay,

ageable even yet. But I am able to 1 I am in therapy again. I went broke again last year, and I can’t seem to

and I can’t seem to maintain a relationship. My life is not all that man-

stay sober, and I have learned that no matter what happens it is possible not Industrial Club and danced to the jukebox and stocked ice cream be- when I did are dead now, some from hind the bar. In those days, telephone old age and some from .AIDS and volunteers worked a four-hour shift other causes. $very week, with no backup, and Many of my friends who came in

But others who were here before . took maybe fifteen calls a shift. (Now me are still going strong, and I need we take maybe thirty-five calls in a them. They’re the realold-timers who four-hour shift with two backup peo- remember what I used to be like, and ple to take the twelfth-step referrals won’t let me gloss it up. timer, but I don’t feel like one. I still to drink. And time is my tool. The and the “I need to talk to someone” The real old-timers say the key to don’t know how to live, and I still days add up, one by one. calls.) There were only two or three sobriety is don’t drink and don’t die. have much to learn. It just takes me I was talking to a man after last young people’s meetings in the Bay So, when you get right down to it, I longer than some. I have been sober night’s meeting and we agreed that Area then, and “young” was under guess I’d rather be an old-timer than over twenty-one consecutive years, the best cure for heartache is time. He forty. Yes, times have changed. the alternative. and it is true that “more will be has an unacceptable situation that he It’s neat to watch the people come Sue C., Sun Francisco, Calif.

September 1990

wrong side.” And I says, “Mind your right there with her little note and my own business!” And as I looked up, it check. “Your service no longer rewas a feller in uniform! So we had a quired.” And 1 had the nerve to ask, few words, and he pushed me, and I “Why?” I was told, all right. Well, in wasn’t going to let anybody get the those days you could get jobs any best of me, and I shoved him back, time. It wasn’t like today. If they had and we had a little tussle there, and ever looked for references from me I finally I had two buttons off his over- think I’d never have got a job, be- This is the second in an intermittent series of personal stories coat, and he says, “I’m takin’ you cause I never stayed in one. which first appeared at the back of the first and second in!” And I says, “Do as you damn I never hit hospitals, and I don’t editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were please!” I was a tough piece of furni- know why because I was fit for hospiture in those days; if the Almighty tals many a time. All the time I saw later dropped from the third edition. God had come down I’d have done the queer things crawling up the wall in By presenting a representative sampling of these stories in same thing to him. So 1 landed in the my bedroom. In 1918, I got pinched the months to come, the Grapevinehopes to offer newcom- 67th Street station house on the east again for the same thing. I turned out ers a chance to meet – in print – some of the Fellowship’s side, and I stayed there all night long. to be a cop fighter; I thought I could beat the whole force. I landed in the The next day I had to appear, and I early members. was finger- printed for molesting a same court, had the same judge, and policeman’s uniform. So I got five he asked me was I ever arrested bedays in the House of Detention. It fore. I says, “No, your Honor!” Just didn’t bother me whatsoever. The as brazen as can be. And all he done I started to drink story. When my husband left me, I was give me that sneering look, and in 1913, when the had to be on my own. I never worked only thing I was worrying about was how was the gang making out with- he says, “For lying in court,” he women sat in the before, but I had to get out and get a back rooms. We job if I wanted to drink. So I got a out me. I thought I was missed all says, “you’re not getting away with had a good time in over. But they made out all right. five days this trip!” I had gone under pretty tough job. I wasn’t any chick- an assumed name, and I had forgot those back rooms. en. I was a woman of thirty-one when So 1 got out, and then I had to grab I had two little boys at the time, but myself another job again, so what did that I was finger printed, and I I had my first drink. I got a job as thought, being away for two years, he my family didn’t worry me, because cleaner after mechanics in buildings. I get into but hotel work! That was one drunk always led to another. So I would have done anything to get the during the Prohibition days, and the wouldn’t know who 1 was! Playing so my husband left me and took the two money for drink. Any place I threw bottles were flying all over the place. innocent! But I got thirty’days then, ‘ boys; one was six and one was nine. my hat was home-sweet-home to me. ,When I went to work on the floor, my five days off for good behavior, over They were going off to school in It could be a basement or a cellar or a first idea was to look in the guests’ on the Island. those days, and it didn’t worry me a back yard. I fell plenty low, but if I closets where the bottles were. I was Another time I was in court on the bit. I loved the liquor and I loved the tell it maybe it will help some gal or all right going in, but I was cockeyed same old charie of drunk and disorcrowd that I hung out with. As far some guy so they don’t have to get drunk coming out. And I’d have the derly. “Thirty days,” says the judge. as my family was concerned, I lost down that low. help drunk with me. One time I got so And I was that mad and disgusting everything of love and respect and Finally one day, as usual, drunk, I drunk I blacked out and fell asleep in that I reared right up and spit clean in everything else. was standing on a corner waiting for the guest’s bed. 1 had the nerve to go the judge’s eye. It was a distance of at Believe me, this is no made up a streetcar, and a guy comes over to back on the job the next morning – I least five feet, too! You should have Reprinted w i h perrnlssion of AA World Services. inc. me and he says, “Lady, you’re on the didn’t know what happened the day seen him leap. “Another thirty days,” before – and the housekeeper was he says, “for spittin’ in the eye of the

-court.” “Nuts to you,” says I, but I please about it! I have been on my had to serve the whole sixty days just own for all these years, and I can still the same. do as I please!” He didn’t get angry I was worrying about my liquor over it, and then finally he popped the and I was worrying about the crowd 1 question to me: “Would you like a hung out with. As far as my family drink?” Whooh! There’s what I was was concerned, they never entered my running for! And I says, “Sure I mind. So I did my twenty-five days would. ” So we went into a speakeasy on the Island, and all I could do was up along the line and we had quite a look through the bars across the East few drinks, and we talked things over River and see First Avenue and the and I went back home with him. joints I hung out in. But believe me, when 1 went back When I got out of the workhouse home it was too much of a decent life that time 1 got a domestic job, and it for me to lead. 1 didn’t want that dewas right up my alley because I got cent, clean life. 1 wanted to be what I paid every day, and paid by the hour. was, a drunk. So I spent more time In my day the women only got twenty- over on First Avenue than I did at five cents an hour, but the liquor was home. Of course when I went back cheap, and that would be all there home, my two boys were raised, which was to it – maybe. 1 had blackouts, I will give my husband credit for. He and many a night I don’t know how I raised them as gentlemen. The oldest ever got home. 1 always did say, well, boy was mariied, and the youngest to sit at the bars, I thought that was with the guys and gals that were on- I thank God I’m in one piece. But boy was going to Delehanty’s – to the terriblest thing – for a woman to the Bowery. I was loused up too. My where I had been I would never know. become a policeman! Brother! Well, sit at the bar! Well, it didn’t take me a whole clothes on my body were full of I had been away from home for fif- it was all right. I had to take it and ac- long while until I got myself initiated lice. How low can a woman get! teen years, and one day I was walking cept it. But every time I thought of to the bar. I was thrown off those I got in tow with a gal named Irene, up First Avenue and I met my beloved that uniform, it killed me! After he stools so often that, believe me, it and we used to drink. When we had husband. He called to me and he said, had been in the force one year he got wasn’t funny. good money, we’d drink the best, but “Where are you going?” I was run- married. I was invited to that wedding I had everybody’s answers. I but- when we had only a little bit, beer was ning like blue blazes to a speakeasy to with his father. But I invited myself to ted in to everybody’s conversation. If good enough. So one day in 1946, 1 get a drink, and 1 didn’t know what the old gin mill over on First Avenue a guy would fall asleep and leave his happened to go into our hangout to say, so I said, “I’m goin’ up to the again, and celebrated his wedding change on the bar, I was handy to again as usual, and I asked Irene what Five and Ten to get hairnets.” I want- with my crowd that I hung out with. help myself. He couldn’t sleep and she was drinking. She says, “Anna, ed to beat it, but he says, “Wait a That’s the kind of mother I was. spend his money, so what was I wait- to tell you the truth, I can’t take the minute.” So I did, and we had a few , first drink. I’m havin’ cola.” (She I went back home again anyway. I ing for? And I’d hang around like an words, and he looked me over, and was always forgiven, somehow or old jackass until I got loaded. Broth- nearly knocked me dead!) I says, he says, “You smoke, too, don’t other. But 1 wasn’t back home very er, was I black and blue! I’m sur- “Saints above! What happened to you?” He didn’t know what all I was long before it was the same old round- prised today that I’m not lame or you?” She says, “I can’t take the first into; he should have known the rest! about – back again to the friends something like that, the way I was drink.” “Well,” 1 says, “nuts to you. I said, “Listen here, you! This is my and the blazes with the family. When knocked and kicked. I’m havin’ mine!” “But,” she says, body and soul, and I can do as I the doors opened up for the women Then I got so low that I hung out “I’m gonna get you yet!” I says,

“Over my dead body!” the door of the 41st Street Clubhouse in alcoholics. She said to me, “You’re taught me the way of life. It has given She got me into AA in March of opened, I sobered up that very night drinking.” I says, “How do you me back my respect. It has given me 1946, and in May of that year, Moth- after thirty-two years of knocking know?” She said, “Come on in – sit back the love of everybody I know. It er’s Day was on the 12th. The day liquor around. I drank cola there that down awhile and rest yourself.” She has taught me to be humble when I before that I was having a good time night, and I went back and forth to says, “Charlie called up.” 1 says, have to be humble. in a gin mill again, and I don’t know the meetings for eight months. “That son-of-a-gun! He’s got me so I am what you call a lucky woman. whatever come over me, but I asked I was sober for eight months, phys- advertised that this damn organi- I live alone now. I have a television set some of the younger folks that could ically, but not mentally. I never min- zation knows my whole business! which my boys have treated me to, dial the phone to call Irene. I don’t gled with a soul in the meetings. I Nobody stepped over my territory and now I have a telephone too! I do remember doing it. This was all told never shook hands or said hello to my before in my life! Now I gotta get love to go to AA meetings, and I meet to me after. The next day was Moth- neighbor sitting alongside of me. I I into a thing like this and they know it with everybody, the old and the new. er’s Day, and like everyone else I never stopped for coffee. I just ran in all!” “Don’t get excited,” she says. I’m a twenty-four hour person. I live wanted to be such a wonderful mother and ran out. In the meanwhile I got “They’re comin’ up to see you to- on that twenty-four hour plan. I am that I had t o buy a gardenia for my married the second time. I picked a night.” I nearly dropped dead. five years and seven months without coat. I went up to this same gin mill to swell partner, another drunk like They came up all right. And I hum- a drink, but I could go out tonight, celebrate Mother’s Day, I sat on the myself. I would come home from the bled myself. I felt so guilty. I don’t but for the grace of God, and get stool drinking, and pretty soon in meetings and tell him all about these know what AA does to you, but you drunk. There’s another thing I must comes my friend. stories, about these women hitting can never drink the same again. So remember, that once an alcoholic “Oh!” I says, “Hello, Irene!” She the jails so often and all the hospitals they suggested to me to go up to a always an alcoholic. I don’t mind the says, “Hello my eye! You got me so often, and he says, “You old so- farm in Connecticut, nothing but name of alcoholic, because I was lookin’ all over the town for you! You and-so, you should’ve been there wide open spaces in the Berkshire called a son-of-a-this and a son-of-amade a date with me yesterday!” I yourself!” That’s what I got for an Hills. It was a beautiful place. I stayed that, and alcoholic is a good enough says, “I?” She says, “Not you, but answer. But it didn’t bother me. up there two days, and 1 came back a name for me. So I’m very, very happy. the crowd in here had the ears rung Then one night a little argument new woman. To newcomers 1 say, go to meetings, off me with the telephone. They said started. I think I was waiting to start Today I have a lot to be thankful and God take care of each and every you wanted to meet me tonight and something. It was a foolish thing, for. Alcoholics Anonymous has one of you! you wanted me to take you where I go over pig’s knuckles, believe it or not. on Sunday nights.” “Hmm,” I says, 1 was waiting for that pig’s knuckles “That’s news to me. Have a drink?” argument. He told me he was gonna “No,” she says, “I can’t take that have the gang over to eat up my sauerfirst drink. There’s a cab there waitin’ kraut and pig’s knuckles for Saturday for me to take you down to AA.” night, and I said, “You will in a pig’s So down to the old 41st Street eye!” And I went out and got a fine Clubhouse I landed. In those days load on. I only drank for two days, they used to have three meeting a but I carried enough for a year in week – Sunday, Tuesday, and Thurs- those two days. day. So I went down to that AA meet- I got off that two-day drunk through ‘ing that night. They took me to the the AAs. The nosey AAs caught up beginners’ meeting. I don’t know with me somehow or other. They what was said, but I do remember went to the place where I worked. that when the meeting was over, when The woman there was very interested

September 1990

I was deeply concerned about the But to hear old-timers sound off on QUALITP company my son was keeping. Some of them were pretty scary – but like the subject, it sounds like AA is being afflicted with the deadliest malady of the suicide you might try and talk the ages. They can and do recite pas- IsWhat counts down from jumping, I was afraid that saying anything was liable to be sages out of our Big Book on how this is for the pure alcoholic only. worse than saying nothing. So I held Ignoring or forgetting that many of – my tongue. Most fortunately, he our original old-timers also used n n December 1954 1 became a mem- And so it is that the length of mv awoke to the peril he was toying with drugs other than alcohol. Blue bomb- U ber of Alcoholics Anonymous. To dry time is not a big d e a c ~ o b r i e & by traveling in such company. Confu- ers and bennies are two such drugs this day, I’ve found no reason to take cannot be judged solely on the length cious say: Lie down with dogs, get up that come to mind. a drink. I stayed sober just like every- of time since the last drink. Quality is with fleas. Now having fleas may not Some thirty-four years ago, I recall one else – one day at a time. what counts – not quantity. be all that desirable – but neither are an old-timer saying something to the Today, I do not have to drink. But Alcohol was my drug o f choice. I they instantly lethal. effect of, “If they belong here, perof even greater importance, I do not was deathly afraid of all other drugs. Today, he has an excellent job, a haps they’ll stay. If not, they’ll tend want to drink. Some of the drugs we have today nice family and is not a drug user. He to weed themselves out.” In either While I’ve been continuously dry weren’t even around when I got dry. drinks beer occasionally, and perhaps event, our Fellowship can and will since 1954, my sobriety has seldom They are (or can be) real brain-scram- occasionally gets drunk. But thank- benefit because those that go will ever been of the barn-burner variety. Fact blers. Drugs or chemicals such as fully, he did not follow in his old remind us of how very fortunate we is, a lot of those years have been tough speed, crack, ice and LSD make me man’s footsteps. are to have stayed. And those who as hell trying to get and keep my life deeply grateful that I was only addict- Drugs other than alcohol were not decide to stay may in time clean up on track. Needless to say, a very high ed to alcohol. It can surely be bad for me. I think they are just different their act and perhaps be an inspirapercentage of the problem is me. enough in the long term, but it does facets of the same coin. To wit: To tion to those yet to come. I think that F’rinstance, the woman I was mar- not have the jet stream speed in its chemically alter one’s mood. I do not is the way it is working out. ried to then was a truly unique per- lethal effects on the brain. Just get- see how they (druggies) can really do When I go on a Twelfth Step call, I son because she was never ever ting zonked out of my tree was bad any harm to Alcoholics Anonymous. really do hope I can reach the fellow known to be wrong about anything. enough, but destroying what’s be- I’m calling on. But whether he stays T h e l e w h of my Imagine what that’s like when com- tween one’s ears in even one applica- or not, 1 have no control over his debined with an alcoholic! I finally had tion is a ghastly thing to behold, and cision. I’m elated if he stays, and saddened if he doesn’t. Regardless, it is to leave because my health was seriously threatened. some drugs can do this. Back in 1971 or thereabouts, I had dvy time is not most important that I’ve tried to carry the message. Far too often, one hears at meetings, “If I can’t be happy, then I a fifteen-year-old son who went to a b& dial. Sobriety So those good people who are conschool with a nice boy who ingested might as well be drunk.” Wrong! some LSD and then decided he could cannot be judged cerned about the well-being of the “pure alcoholic” versus the druggies In time, if one succeeds in getting fly. To prove it he jumped off the balone’s life in some sort of order, hap- cony of the tenth floor of an apart- solely on the k w h that are showing up in increasing numbers – why not relax and just be piness may well occur. Probably will. But getting drunk again guarantees ment building. It is widely believed that some “friend” of his slipped it . oj’tim since the grateful that you are sober and clean. that neither of those things are likely Perhaps even allow them the same to him in a soft drink. With friends opportunity, eh? to happen. like that. . . Bob S. ,Surrey, B. C.

December 1990

anxieties of my life began to mount, the University can fire me yet! and the setbacks from perfection be- 1 came to believe actually that life gan to increase, 1 finally slipped over was not worth living unless 1 could the line between moderate drinking drink. I was utterly miserable and and alcoholism. No longer would I sometimes desperate, living always drink a few beers or a cocktail or two with a feeling of impending calamand let it go at that. No longer did I ity (I knew something was bound to let months or even weeks go by with- “break loose”). And to do away with out liquor. And when drinking, I such a fear, I would try a little more This is the third in an intermittent series of personal stories entered what I now know was the drinking, with the inevitable result which first appeared at the back of the first and second dream-world of alcoholic fantasy. for by this time one drink would set editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were Then for about five years of progres- up in me that irresistible urge to take later dropped from the third edition. sively worse alcoholic drinking, of another and another until I was down filling my life and home with more or hungover and in trouble. In the By presenting a representative sampling of these stories in and more wreckage, it looked as if I hungover state 1 would vow never to the months to come, the Grapevine hopes to continue were going to ride this toboggan of touch another drop, and then be offering to newcomers a.chanceto meet -in print – some destruction to the bitter end. drunk the next night. of the Fellowship’s early members. Maybe I didn’t get as bad as some I knew at least that there had to be of the others. I must confess that I some changes made. I tried to change never went to teach one of my classes the time and place and amount of my drunk or drinking – but I’ve been drinking. I tried to change my envi- I am in the public been shy, sensitive, fearful, envious, awfully hungover. My pattern was to ronment, my place of living – like information busi- and resentful, which in turn leads one be drunk at night, boil myself out to most of us who at one time or another ness. I use that to be arrogantly independent, a defi- creep to work in the morning, drunk think that our trouble is geography phrase or designa- ant personality. I believe I got a Ph.D. the next night, boil myself out the rather than whiskey. I even entertion because if I principally because I wanted either to next morning, drunk again the next tained the idea of changing wives. I say I am a college outdo or defy everybody else. I have night, boil myself out the next morn- tried to change everything and everyprofessor everybody always has a published a great deal of scholarly ing. I may not have drunk as much body, except myself- the onlything tendency to run the other way. And research – I think for the same rea- whiskey as some, but there isn’t any- I could change. when they learn that I am a special- son. Such determination, such striv- body who’s drunk any more Sal I did not know that it was physicalist in English, they have looks of hor- ing for perfection, is undoubtedly an Hepatica than I have! ly impossible for me to drink moderror for fear they are going to slip up admirable and practical quality to ,’ Now there are all kinds of drunks: ately. I did not know that my body’s and say “ain’t.” I often wish I sold have, for a while; but when a person melancholy drunks, weeping drunks, drinking machinery had worn out, shoes or insurance or fixed automo- mixes such a quality with alcohol, traveling drunks, slap-happy and and that the parts could not be rebiles or plumbed pipes. I would have that quality can eventually cut him to stupid drunks, and a number of other placed. I did not know that just one more friends. pieces. At least it did to me. varieties. I was a self-aggrandizing drink made it impossible for me to My story is not a great deal differ- I began drinking as a social drinker, and occasionally violent drunk. You control my behavior and conduct my ent from others except in a few in my early twenties. Drinking consti- wouldn’t think a little fellow like me future drinking. I did not know, in specific details. All the roads of alco- tuted no problem for me until well could do much damage, but when short, that I was powerless over alcoholism lead to the same place and after I finished graduate school at the I’m drunk I’m pure dynamite. I’m hol. My family and friends sensed or condition. I suppose I have always age of thirty. But as the tensions and not going into any of the details – knew these things about me long Reprinted wih perrnlsJonof AA Wr!d Services, Inc.

been at work which I do not understand. But on those two days – between jail and AA – something happened to me that had never happened before. I repeat, I don’t know what it was. Maybe I had made a “decision” – just a part of Step Three (1 had made lots of promises but never a decision) – though it seems to me that 1 was at the time too confused and fogged up to make much of one. Maybe it was the guiding hand of God, or (as we Baptists say) the Holy Spirit. I like to think that it was just that, followed by my own attempt to . take the Twelve Steps to recovery. Whatever it was, I have been in AA and I have been dry ever since. That was more than six years ago. AA does not function in a way which people normally expect it to. For example, instead of using our before I did. pened on this bender, but here are jack. Now what kind of thinking and “willpower,” as everyone outside Finally, as with most of us in AA, some things that did happen which I acting is that? If that isn’t insanity, or AA seems to think we do, we give up the crisis came. I realized I had a was told about subsequently. First, absurd grandiosity, or some sort of our wills to a Higher Power, place drinking problem which had to be the officers who had come out to my mental illness, what is it? Because I our lives in hands – invisible hands solved. My wife and a close friend house did not want to take me in – yelled so loud and made so much – stronger than ours. Another extried to persuade me to contact the but I insisted! Also, I insisted that they noise, I ended up downstairs under ample: If twenty or thirty of us real only member of Alcoholics Anony- wait in the living room while I went the concrete in a place they call “sol- drunks get away from home and meet mous we knew of in town. This I re- back to the bedroom and changed into itary.” (That’s a fine place – now in a clubroom downtown on Saturfused to do. But I agreed that I would my best and newest suit (with socks isn’t it? – for a college professor to day night, the normal expectation is stop drinking altogether, maintaining and tie to match), so that I would look spend the night!) Two days later I was that all thirty of us will surely get roarstoutly and sincerely that I could and nice in jail. I don’t remember the ride ‘willing to try AA, which I had only ing drunk, but it doesn’t work out would solve this problem “on my downtown, but when I “came to” in vaguely heard of a few months be- that way, does it? Our talking about own.” I would feel much better doing the jail corridor, I didn’t like the looks fore. I called at the home of the man whiskey and old drinking days (one it that way, I insisted. I stayed sober of the little cage they were shoving me who started the AA group in my would normally think) is sure to raise for two entire weeks! Then I pitched a into, so I took issue about that with town, and I went humbly with him to a thirst, but it doesn’t work out that “lulu” – a terrific drunken affair in three officers and indulged in some an AA meeting the following night. way either, does it? Our program and which I became violently insane. I fisticuffs with all three of them at As I look back, something must procedures seem in many ways conalso landed in the City Jail. once – each one of them twice my have happened to me during those trary to normal opinion. And so, in I don’t know exactly what hap- size and armed with a gun and a black- two days. Some forces must have connection with this idea, let me pass

can you keep anything if you give it away? But in order to keep whatever ‘Iftwentyor thirty of w it is we get in AA, we must go about real drunk. . . met in giving it away to others, for no fees or rewards of any kind. When we cana cl&oom downtown not afford to give away what we have received so freely in AA, we had beton a Satu~duynbht, ter get ready for our next drunk. It will happen every time. We’ve got the m l expectation to continue to give it away in order to keep it. is that all thirty of w 3. We SUFFER TO GET WELL. There is no way to escape the terrible will surely~etmarhg suffering or remorse and regret and shame and embarrassment which drunk, but it doesn’t start us on the road to getting well work out that way’ from our affliction. There is no new way to shake out a hangover. It’s painful. And for us, necessarily so. I on what I consider the four paradoxes told this friend of mine as he sat weavof how AA works. (A paradox, you ing to and fro on the side of the bed, probably already know, is a state- in terrible shape, about to die for ment which is seemingly self-contra- some paraldehyde. I said, “Lost dictory; a statement which appears to John” – that’s his nickname be false, but which, upon careful ex- “Lost John, you know you’re going amination, in certain instances proves to have to do a certain amount of to be true.) shaking sooner or later.” “Well,” he 1. We SURRENDER TO WIN. On said, “for God’s sake, let’s make it the face of it, surrendering certainly later!” We suffer to get well. does not seem like winning. But it is 4. We DIE TO LIVE. That is a in AA. Only after we have come to beautiful paradox straight out of the the end of our rope, hit a stone wall in biblical idea of being “born again” some aspect of our lives beyond which or “in losing one’s life to find it.” we can go no further; only when we When we work at our Twelve Steps, hit “bottom” in despair and surren- the old life of guzzling and fuzzy der, can we accomplish sobriety thinking, and all that goes with it, which we could never accomplish gradually dies, and we acquire a difbefore. We must, and we do, surren- ferent and a better way of life. As our der to win. shortcomings are removed, one life 2. We GIVE AWAY TO KEEP. of us dies, and another life of us lives. That seems absurd and untrue. How We in AA die to live.

February 1991

plaining true alcoholism and stated cause he understood the true meanvery bluntly that I was an alcoholic. ing of the phrase “Brotherly Love” This was news to me in spite of the was spending a great portion of his fact that I had promised everybody time helping unfortunate individuals like myself. With the help and advice of those two individuals and two or threeassociates, I was able, for the first time in two and a half years, to stay sober for This is the fourth in an intermittent series of personal stories which first appeared at the back of the first and second editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were later dropped from the third edition. By presenting a representative sampling of these stories in the months to come, the Grapevine hopes to continue offering to newcomers a chance to meet – in print – some of the Fellowship’s early members.

In May 1936, after rience, came in the guise of a former a prolonged peri- drinking companion whom I had asod of alcoholism, sisted home on several occasions. Bemy friends, my cause of physical infirmities brought associates, my su- about by alcoholic excess, he had east of the Mississippi, if they would six weeks, and then disastrously tried periors, and those been unable to walk a distance of take time to listen, that I was. through the beer experiment. For some time I people who really loved me in spite of three blocks to his home unassisted with drink. At the time I made these couldn’t get hold of myself, but gradembarrassments too numerous to when I last saw him. Now he ap- promises, I honestly wanted to quit ually came out of hiding and exposed mention, finally left me because they proached me, and to my amazement drinking, but for some unknown rea- myself again to this influence which had come to the conclusion that I he was sober and appeared greatly son hadn’t seemed able to so. He told had been so helpful. didn’t have any idea of doing or try- improved in physical condition. . me why I failed. July 2, 1936, I again contacted the ing to d o the right thing. He induced me to take a ride with He then suggested that I accompa- two individuals, and since that day I I was a spineless individual who him, and as we rode along told me of ny him to a local doctor who had have never had a drink. However, didn’t care a rap for anyone or any- the marvelous thing that had come been helpful to him. It took forty- because of the difficulties I encounthing – I was hopeless and knew it – into his life. He had more than a eight hours of persuasion and quite tered as the result of the beer experiand then in my extremity, the Divine practical idea of my difficulties, he a few drinks to fortify myself, but ment, I was unable for some time to Comforter, “Truth” came to me in a also had a logical and practical idea I finally agreed to go. The doctor find reality in this new way of life. I barroom where I had spent the major as to how they might be overcome. turned out to be one who had been an was doubtful, fearful, full of selfportion of six weeks. He started the conversation by ex- alcoholic himself, and in gratitude pity, afraid to humiliate myself. The Divine Comforter, in my expe- Reprinted with permlsaon d AA World Services. Inc. for the release he had found and be- This unreality lasted until Decem-

ber 1 lth, when I was faced with the individual in it, or any rules by which absolute necessity of raising a sum of we operate, because your help comes money. For the first time came the from an ever present and all powerful realization that I was faced with a dif- Father. I am going to do everything I ficulty from which I seemed unable to can to secure this loan for you. Howextricate myself. Of course, I took ever, l don’t want anything that haptime out to bemoan the fact that “af- pens here to throw you off the track. ter all I’d done, this had to happen to I want you to leave here feeling that me,” but on the advice of my wife, I you have done everything you could went to a banker. to secure those funds, and go about I told him my story completely. I your business. Your business is busiwent to him believing that my need ness with God’s work. I don’t know was money. I went there as a last re- whether that calls for you to go and sort to pry it loose to meet my needs. collect a bill, sell some new contract, My need was not money, but again I or sit quietly and pray, but your Fahad been led to the proper source. ther knows and if you will but permit After having related my story to the him, he will direct you.” banker, who knew my reputation not I had again found reality. My needs only as an alcoholic but also as an were met from another entirely unexindividual who didn’t pay his bills, he pected source. said, “I know something of what you The manifestations of this ever presare trying to do, and I believe you are ent Power in my experience since 1936 on the right track. Are you right with are too numerous to mention. Let it the Father who knows your needs suffice to say that I am profoundly before you ask? If so, you are not grateful for the opportunities I have dependent upon this bank or any had of seeing and knowing “Truth.”

March 1 9 9 1

MY SOBRIETY dates back to 1946, and for that I am eternally grateful. We had a saying in those days – I don’t know where it came from and I have not read it in AA literature – which was: You come into AA to sober up and clean up. Very seldom did a meeting go by without someone saying it. To me it meant you sobered up physically, mentally, and spiritually and you cleaned up mentally and physically. way, or are trying to impress people. Part of this “clean-up” was a They think it is smart. But I can’t change in my manner of speech. In understand how people think they are those days, I worked in the produc- living the program if they hang onto tion part of a plant. All the personnel the old way of life. were men and we weren’t concerned So I say to the new people, espeabout the language we used. When I cially the young, try to clean up your came into the program, I was told language. It is no harder to use good that in order to adopt a new way of English than it is to be foul-mouthed. life, it would be necessary to elimi- It only takes practice and a desire to nate much of the old part. It wasn’t improve oneself. easy, but now when I speak, I might We also clean up physically after say gosh, darn, or heck but I don’t we sober up. We get some self-respect .’use any of the four-letter words I hear back and we want to look presentfrom others. able. Our clothes are clean and neat. I hear people using foul words to Some of us shave and get a hair cut. me and in the same sentence they use This body and my looks are what my the word God. 1 am very definitely Higher Power gave me and I am oblinot a “holier than thou” person. I gated to do the best I can. I am not believe the only reason people use the best-looking person in the world foul language in an AA meeting is be- and not the worst, but I am me. For cause they don’t know any better, that I am grateful. can’t express themselves any other Ted D.,A ustin, Minn.

A p r i l 1991

and that merry-go-round we all go everyday ad, but on this can of Old through. Dutch Cleanser there happened to be My wife stood for this for about an old woman with a club. Next thing eleven years. Then she got a resent- you know, she got off the sign and ment – she was going to leave me! chased me into the 51st Street police She had tried to leave me before station. I ran in for help. She was . many times, but it was only to try to right behind me. I went up to the lieuget me to sober up. But this time I got tenant’s desk and said, “Help me, This is the fifth in an intermittent series of personal stories home one night in the early evening, she’s out there!” He said, “Who’s which first appeared at the back of the first and second and everything was crated and ready out there?” I start raving, “There she to go to storage. She was going her is with the club! She followed me editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were way with the three children. I was left from 54th Street!” He looked me later dropped from the third edition. to go my way with the bottle. over and says, “Oh, I see what you By presenting a representative sampling of these stories in My sister heard about this, and she mean, Mac.” He hollers for Patrolcame running over to the house and man Murphy, and Murphy comes the months to come, the Grapevine hopes to continue says to my wife, “Now wait a minute, out, and this lieutenant says, “Take offering to newcomers a chance to meet – in print – some before you do a tragic thing like this that bum to Bellevue!” So away I go. of the Fellowship’s early members. and leave my brother! Do you realize So later on when my sister menhe is a sick man?” Boy, I thought that tioned the Medical Center and a psywas out of this world – such kind chiatrist I thought I had no choice. words as “a sick man”! You ought to Next day we walk into the Medical I never drank in but I just couldn’t believe it. I didn’t hear what my family called me before Center and I’m perfectly sober, and high school or col- know what an alcoholic meant. I had that! My sister says, “Let me stand we see a certain doctor there. I had lege, because I trouble with alcohol, but at that age the expense of taking my brother to made my mind up I would do anynever went to high I wasn’t bothering anybody. I was the Medical Center to interview one thing in the world that this man says. school or college. single. I just went on about my busi- of the best psychiatrists.” So we get appointed to Dr. So-and- I’ve never been to ness, and I made up my mind, “Well, I thought I was real ripe for a psy- so, office so-and-so. We walk in, and Knickerbocker Hospital, I’ve never 1’11 lick this thing my way. Someday chiatrist, because I was beginning to there’s a little psychiatrist sitting down been to Grasslands, I’ve never been I’ll be able to stop.” do a lot of things I didn’t want to do. at his desk. He gets up, and he turns to Towns, that swanky place on Cen- I made up my mind I was going to I thought I was really goingout of my out to be a little squirt about that tral Park West. But I’ve been to Belle- stop drinking when I got married. In mind. I had gotten to the stage where high. Right away my mind changes! I . vue’s alcoholic ward thirty-five times. 1926 I met the right girl, and we got I’d get up in the morning, and I’d says to myself, “I’m bigger than this That should qualify me, because they married. I thought it would be as easy look in the mirror, and then I’d start guy.” 1 kept staring at him. I didn’t don’t take you in the Bellevue alco- as the snap of a finger to stop drink- talking to myself, and I’d say, “For think he knew more than I did. I was holic ward for sinus trouble. ing. Well, I didn’t stop because I cripe’s sake, will you stand still long bigger than he was. I came to thecon- I made a few jails, maybe sixty-five couldn’t stop. 1 couldn’t leave it enough till I shave?” clusion in the end, “One good drink or seventy-five times in my drinking. I alone. I just went on, but now it went I And then I got to the stage where would kill that guy!” made my first trip to Bellevue at the into tragedy drinking, because I had I’m walking the streets of New York, He started asking me a lot of quesage of seventeen. I was called an alco- brought three children into the world and my eyes go up to an ad on a great tions. He says, “Why do you drink?” holic when I was eighteen or nineteen, and it went from bad to worse. It big billboard. The ad read, “Old My sister is paying fifty dollars for Reprinted withpermission of AA World Services. Inc. was a matter of hospitals, and jails Dutch Cleanser.” Now that’s an that question! “Why do you drink!”

“*; Well, I had interviewed psychiatrists with two ladies, he was shocked. thought I was going to one of these left I took it out and saw it was a dolbefore, and I started asking him a lot He says, “I don’t get this. What is drying-out places. I didn’t know I lar, and I says, “Why, that cheap soof questions. He couldn’t get to first this?” He thought I was really nuts, I was going up there with a lot of nuts. and-so! What am I going to do with base with me because I wasn’t c o o p guess. “Doctor,” I says, “I am hav- A few days later another bus came one dollar for the next two weeks?” erating. Finally he threw me out of ing a little trouble with alcohol.” I up from Bellevue, and on this bus Two days later one of the head doc- . the office and called my wife and told him about this bird up in the there happened to be two boys that tors called me into his office and says, sister in and talked to them about-an Medical Center that sent me down made several trips to Bellevue. One of “Do you know your wife had to borhour. The conclusion was that he sug- here to commit myself to a State insti- those boys had been in here and knew row money to get back to New York, gested that I go to Bellevue! What did tution. He says, “You really want to the ropes. He says, “Don’t worry that she left you her last dollar in the Bellevue have for me after being there go through with this?” I says, “Yes. I about this place; this ain’t the worst world?” He pointed out that my chilover twenty-five times? really want to get straight and I think place in the world.” Well, he was dren didn’t have the price of a glass of But I made up my mind to do any- this is going to help me.” He says, right, because ten days later the three milk the next morning. That made me thing that man suggested. So the next “Well, all right, I’ll draw out a volun- of us were drunk right up there in the feel pretty cheap. I says to myself, day we walk into Bellevue, and I tary commitment. You sign it and booby-hatch! “I’m the cheap so-and-so.” I told shocked the doctor that was sitting at you’re in!” I had left three children and a wife this doctor, “I’m going to do somethe admittance office. He had seen He didn’t tell me where I was in! on the outside, absolutely penniless. thing about this.” He says, “Why me come in on crutches; he had seen Ten days later I get on the bus and the One of the children, a boy ten years don’t you sign yourself out – you’re me come in with a cop under each first thing I know I’m up in the booby- old, wrote me a letter to try and en- able to do that -and go out and get a arm; and when he saw me walk in hatch. Well, I resented that because I courage me. He thought I was up job, and cut out ail this monkey busithere getting shots in the arm and ness? Take care of your family. You different medicines and that when I got a fine little family there. Go out came out I would never take another and take care of them.” And I swore drink. Well, he wrote me a letter, and to God in front of that man that day he says, “Don’t worry, dad. Do any- that I would do that. I swore, “I’ll thing the doctors tell you, no matter never take another drink as long how long they keep you there. I hope as 1 live!” you come out a dad like my friends At the time, I meant it. I did sign have.” He could bring boys, his myself out, and I did take a job, and friends, up to the house now, and he for two weeks I did not take a drink. couldn’t do that while I was drinking Two weeks is a pretty long period I because I didn’t want anybody around with me. I happened to get paid that me. I was one of those nasty drunks. first two weeks’ pay with a check. I He went on in this letter, “Don’t didn’t know where to go and cash worry about the house, because I that check except in a saloon. Nowent into business.” His business was body knew me, nobody would trust that he made himself a shoe-shine me, only these bartenders. But I knew box and went out and shined shoes – I couldn’t get away with going in while I’m up in this hospital drinking! there gnd buying one drink. I says to On one of her visits my wife left me myself, “So help me God, I won’t a dollar. I thought it was five dollars. have any more than three drinks. I stuck it in my pocket, and when she 1’11 cash this check and I’ll bring

this money home.” I had my three into the hospital. The way AA was doctor, and he let me go down to the put to me, this doctor says to me, meeting. I figured, “Well, I’ll go drinks, cashed the check, picked up the change, and then the bartender I was introduced to “The medical profession has nothing down there, I’ll get a coupla drinks for you. The clergy has nothing for and I’ll beat it, and phooey to AA says, “Will you have one on the house?” So I did. Well, after that this happy hoking you. There’s nobody in God’s world and everything else!” I went down can help you. You’re a chronic al- 1 don’t have to tell you what h a p bunch oj’peoph. coholic, period!” Then he says, there this first time, and I was introduced to this happy looking bunch of pened. I never got home with a nickel of that money. They put me in “Maybe these men and this book can .help you.” people. They put me in my class with real two-fisted drinkers. They sat me I lost my job, but it was easy at the time and 1 got another one. Then an- my class with real I read the book. In the meantime they had meetings in South Orange, in a corner talking to these guys. I couldn’t get away from them. In the other. And then it was one job after another, until 1 couldn’t beg, borrow two-jisrted drinkas. New Jersey. There used to be a group meantime, I’m looking for live wires. from South Orange that would come Anybody going down towards the or steal anymore. Then I think I went as low as a man will ever go. When I They sat me in a up to the hospital and take some of water section, I look him over. Well, the boys down to a meeting and bring out of a clear sky there’s four rough couldn’t get a job anymore, I used to go around to where he was shining comer talking to them back. I wanted to know what looking guys over there, and all at shoes and tell that kid that his mother theseguys. I c o u h 2 was going on at these meetings. 1 got one of the boys that was there and I once they decide to go down to the water section. Right away I says, had sent me over to get the money that he’d made. That kid knew all the det away Pom them. says, “What are these meetings all about?” He says, “It’s a bunch of “Oops, well, excuse me – I gotta go.” And 1 walked in there figuring time that I wasn’t going to bring that ~~~-

people that get up there and swap as soon as these guys got in there, one ~~p~~~~~~ ~pp

money home, but he never refused where I spent quite a few months: I was up against a very serious stories. They talk to each other and of the four is going to pull out a botme. He always gave me all the change charge. 1 was supposed to go to Sing you talk to them. They’re all a bunch tle. But I was stunned – I was surhe had. And I went out and drank it. Sing for between seven and a half to of ex-drunks. And they’re all happy prised – no bottle! 1 says, “What is The day came when 1 finally wound fifteen years for it. But somehow or looking. They all have a lot of fun, the matter with these guys?” up in Bellevue again. I was in the other, I don’t know how it happened they’re all dressed up, they have a I went to AA meetings for about alcoholic ward and I was pretty sick – maybe it was through the prayers collar and tie. Some are working and seven months and 1 lost the idea of a going in there. One of the doctors drink. 1 didn’t think of it anymore. I some are not, but they’re all happy.” ordered a big dose of paraldehyde for of my wife, or maybe help by my He says, “Why don’t you ask the docfamily, or somehow or other – when was amazed when I was called into me to knock me out. An hour and a tor to let you come down there some- the doctor’s office and told that I was half later, three men were trying to 1 was brought up on trial I was sentjme? You ought to see the spread going out on parole. I got a year’s wake me up. One of them was the tenced to the State Hospital again inthese people put out after the meeting parole, and on my parole card was “In night attendant of the hospital, one stead of Sing Sing. This was in late 1938 when I got back up there. This – chicken sandwiches and. . . ” Oh, the custody of your wife and AA.” was a policeman in uniform, and one he laid out a beautiful picture for me! My wife used to come to every AA was a plainclothes man. The law had time 1 wasn’t on my own. 1 was there “Home-made cakes”. . .something meeting with me, but one particular been looking for me for four or five with the sentence of three judges. you weren’t getting at the hospital! I night we got company, and my wife days, but they finally caught up with Early in 1939, when the AA book says, “Gee, that looks pretty good.” says, “What are we going to do?” 1 me in Bellevue. It was for something I was fresh off the press, I was called I had never been to a meeting be- says, “Look, you tend to the compahad done in the blackout that I didn’t into the doctor’s office, the chief doc- fore in all my life where there was a ny. I wouldn’t miss that meeting for know anything about. They took me tor of the State Hospital. One of the bunch of alcoholics where nobody the world. It means too much to me.” out of the alcoholic ward and took founders of AA was there with five didn’t have a bottle! So I asked the I went to the meeting that night, me to the Bellevue prison ward, other men from AA, trying to get AA

and it was a swell meeting until the make a long story short, what do you dren. They were happy, I was happy, last speaker got up. This fella says, think happened to me? I landed back she was happy, and I was in AA in “As long as you are an alcoholic in the State Hospital – that’s what! full swing and getting along fine. So you’ll never be able to take a drink as Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t wind she just ignored the doctor’s orders long as you live!” Oooh, that was up in there that night or the next week and went through with it. I took my rough! A little later on in the same or the next month. It took me three wife to the hospital one night, and the talk, he says, “And don’t forget – months, but it was that one glass following afternoon I go to visit her. not ‘even a glass of beer!” and he of beer that started the merry-go- And before I could see her I had to go pointed his finger right at me sitting round going. see the doctor. He says, “Joe, how do in the back. That was it! I says, I asked myself, “Now what am I you feel?” I says, “I feel pretty good, “Why that bunch of Bible-backed- doing up here again?” In my heart doctor.” He says, “Sit down,” and bums, where do they get that stuff?” and soul I knew that AA had some- then he says, “How do you feel now!” That’s one meeting 1didn’t stay for thing. 1 wanted to see where I had I says, “I still feel pretty good. What the Lord’s Prayer. The speaker got made my mistake, and 1 asked the are you driving at?” He was trying to through and sat down and everybody doctor to please give me that book tell me my wife was almost ready for applauded, and I said, “Phooey!” again to read. My number one mis- delivery, and that they had done everyand went out of the place. I got over take was I wasn’t honest with myself thing they could, but that she was still to Lexington Avenue and found a or with anybody in the world. And I in danger. “I’m sure you’re doing all saloon. I went in there and I says, knew AA didn’t fail me. I failed AA. you can. What can I do?” I ask the “Gimme a glass of beer.” 1 drank it So how do I get honest? I cleaned doctor. He says “Well, your record and I walked right out of the place. I up. 1 saw a priest there at the hospital, shows you’re a Catholic, so you stood under a lamp post on the corner and 1 really came clean for the first know how to pray.” there at 59th and Lexington. I stood time in my life. I really worked with I went home, and there was my there maybe fifteen or twenty min- AA up there in the hospital. mother and my mother-in-law, two utes. I was waiting for something to Well, I got out and tried to get a old ladies waiting for news from the happen because 1 had a glass of beer. job, but 1 couldn’t. They had opened hospital. 1 never let on what they I thought maybe twenty minutes after an AA clubhouse on 24th Street, so I had told me at the hospital, but my you have this beer you get some chem- used to go out in the morning and mother-in-law started digging, if you ical change in you. Maybe you ex- look for a job. Then I went down to know what 1 mean. Well, I blew my . plode. I didn’t know what would the Club and helped scrub. floors. I top. 1 said, “Nuts to it.”. The next happen. helped do everything. I stayed nights thing I know I’m down in the corner Well, 1 didn’t explode. I didn’t do for the meeting and I went home saloon. 1 got a dollar bill on the bar anything. So I jump on the subway when the place closed. That’s the way and I’m ready to order a drink. But up to the Bronx, and when I get off at . I spent my time. AA stepped right into this picture, the subway station instead of going This went on for about eleven and I says “Now what am I doing b home I automatically walk into a saloon and I have another beer and another beer and another. When the months, and then my wife had got into the family way again for her fourth childbirth. She was told after here at a time like this?” I heard in AA when you’re in trouble, try a little prayer. Well, I was in a lot of trouble man came up with that seventh beer, 1 her third child that she wouldn’t be and 1 tried a prayer. When the barsavs. “Wait a minute, make that a able to have a fourth. But she saw tender gat tired of waiting for me to d–d”ble whiskey.” ~ e l l i h e did. And to that it meant the world to the chil- order, he hollered at me. “Hey,

Mac!” he says, “Didja make up your there’s two old bosses of mine sitting put across to me. I realize that now. swering calls that I just couldn’t get mind? What’re you havin’?” I or- down on the sofa waiting for me. But in spite of all that, when they out. While I was still answering calls, dered a ginger-ale and plenty of ice. They were two brothers I had worked took that kid away from me, 1 made one of my AA friends walked in. He That’s how my prayer was answered. for a long time before, fellas who up my mind I was going on a suicide stayed with me that night, so I didn’t I went down to the clubhouse at swore they’d never have anything to drunk. I figured I would go home have a chance to get out. This fella and 24th Street. Some of the boys there do with me any more. I’m bringing first and take care of the funeral ar- I sat in the kitchen all night, smoking talked me out of the idea of a drink. I this out because I want you to know rangements. Then I would lock my- cigarettes and drinking coffee. stayed for the meeting that night and that good news travels in AA. They self in some hotel and drink myself to The next morning the undertaker went home and went to sleep. heard I was in AA and doing all right, death. If liquor didn’t kill me, I was came up to take me to the hospital About one o’clock in the morning I back with my family and everything, going to jump out the window. morgue to identify my son. This AA got a telegram from the hospital. I and they came and asked me to go to Before I could do this I got a tele- fella came with me. The undertaker was afraid to open it. I thought it was work for them. Well, I did go to work phone call. It’s an AA member in was an AA too. Well, when that slab . the last telegram I would ever get for them, and I’m on that job till Ohio. How that news travelled to was pulled out for me to identify my about my wife. I paced the living this very day. Ohio in thirty-five minutes I don’t son’s body, if I didn’t have AA on my room floor for about half an hour, Now then, I’m going back about know to this day. This fella says, “I right and AA on my left I wouldn’t be like a prisoner in his cell, with that six years. Something happened again. just heard what happened to you. alive today. I’d be in the same grave telegram in my hand. I was still afraid That boy of mine that was shining The reason I’m calling you is I know with that kid. to open it. I finally got down on my shoes at the age of ten, in the mean- what’s running through your mind. So you can see that my length of knees and asked God Almighty, I time he had grown up to be a six-foot- But I hope you don’t. I hope you sobriety wasn’t handed to me on a says, “Gimme the courage to open one inch fella. And almost to the day don’t take that drink. Nobody in the silver platter. If things are going to this thing.” Then I opened the tele- of his birthday, the sixteenth birth- world or nobody in AA can condemn happen, they’re going to happen. But gram. My wife had given birth to a day, I lost that boy in a trolley car you for it. But don’t forget, there’s a I’m in AA and sober for over eleven girl and everything was all right. accident only two blocks away from couple hundred members here, and years now. I had my last drink of al- Where would I have been, or where my house. I was in Philadelphia when we all got our fingers crossed; we’re cohol eleven years and seven months would she have been, if I had blown it happened, and they called me up all praying for you.” ago. Thanks to the good people of my top and taken a drink at a point and drove me in from Philadelphia to When he got off the wire, some- AA, and last but not least by the like that? I thank God Almighty that see my boy. He regained conscious- body else was calling me, somebody grace of God. I didn’t. ness once in the thirteen hours I was from Connecticut. I was so busy an- And if I can do it, so can you! It took me seventeen months be- there. He looked up at me and says, fore I got a job. I kept sober, using “Dad, what happened to me?” I’ what I learned in AA. Then I got a says, “Well, son, you just keep your job I didn’t like very much, and it was chin up. You’ll be all right.” The keeping me away from AA. I made doctors told me the boy was going to up my mind, “If nothing happens pull through. He was strong and he ,

within this week, nuts to AA!” I was fighting. planned it out – another drunk for Well, the kid didn’t make it. He myself. I gave myself a week, see? I was trying to tell me in that last handjust didn’t take that drink; I allowed shake that he’d lost the battle. He was myself a week. trying to tell me, “I’m losing this bat- Before that week was up, I go tle, dad, but don’t let this throw home one night and out of a clear sky you.” That’s what he was trying to

J u l y 1991 fa’

After I was married I was in much about two-thirty in the morning I . more trouble with myself and I drank started. In about one hour I was a great deal more, but now 1 had drunker than anyone there. I kicked someone to blame it on. All my life I someone in the shins and slammed had blamed everything that ever hap- the door on his fingers. I knew I pened to me on someone else, and I shouldn’t be drinking, and I was usually could find someone. Now I scared to death. I was in real trouble. had a husband. If 1 was drinking I didn’t know why I was drinking, worse now, it must be his fault. and I didn’t know why my behavior One night I was out drinking by had changed so. I thought if I left my myself, which I didn’t do as a rule. I husband things would be different. I sat in a bar drinking martinis for a thought I would be different if I could This is the sixth in an intermittent series of personal stories long time, and somewhere on the way live by myself again. Which 1 did home I fell down in the street, and a and proceeded to drink worse than which first appeared at the back of the first and second cop came along and picked me up ever before. ‘editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were and took me to St. Vincent’s Hospital. Then I decided that 1 was in trouble later dropped from the third edition. They pronounced me drunk and dis- because I was living in New York and By presenting these stories, the Grapevine hopes to con- orderly and took me over to Bellevue. everyone knew me, and I used to When I came to the next morning, drink too much with people, and tinue offering newcomers a chance to meet – in print – I was in the psychopathic ward. The maybe I didn’t know the right people. some of the Fellowship’s early members. doctor who tested me and asked me a So I moved away. I never thought few versonal auestions was a vsv- about changing myself, I always chiatiist. I asked him to call whir; I thought about changing people, or worked and tell them I wouldn’t be changing places. I have to tell you a ing, and I took nothing. 1 suppose I in. 1 thought they’d just give me my I went down to Virginia, of all little of the way I lived mostly for pleasure, or what I clothes and let me leave quietly. They places, to stop drinking. I was down lived before I got knew for pleasure, which to me was told me that I was not able to go out there one month when I bumped into into AA so you can just going out at night. I worked all on the street alone, that I was not a a fellow I knew from Greenwich Vilsee why I made the day, and went out and stayed out at responsible citizen. They said some- lage who was on the same army post. choice that I did. I night. That was about as much as I one would have to call for me. To We were glad to see each other, and started drinking at the age of seven- knew about life. I rebelled against someone as arrogant as I was, who he invited me out, and I said, “Oh, I teen, but I was in trouble with myself everything I’d ever .heard as a child, had taken care of herself, that was can’t go out. I don’t drink any more. ” long before that. I never got along at and I lived to suit myself. ‘kind of rough. I really thought if you didn’t drink, home, and at the age of thirteen I I never thought much about settling I thought I would never get in such you couldn’t go out! And he said, stepped off and decided I’d go out for down. I thought anyone who got a situation again, and I thought the “Oh, that’s all right. Come on over myself. I decided that no one loved me under the dominance of another hu- way to get over it would be not to to the club and have a few beers.” and I didn’t love them, and I was go- man being was pretty foolish, but drink. I was so naive that I thought And I said, “Well, that I can do.” ing off and make myself independent. when I was twenty-nine I did get mar- that would be possible- just by wish- About midnight that night, when they My father brought us up to give no ried. I was never trained to live with ing not to drink! I didn’t take a drink wanted to close up the club, they anquarter and seek no quarter, and that anyone else, and I took on a pretty for three months, but on New Year’s nounced that if anybody was missing was just the way I lived. I gave noth- big job I wasn’t capable of handling. Eve everybody was drinking, and his companion, she was in the ladies’

room, passed out. That was me, in 1945, I had lost all of that kind of could walk. And I said to myself, understand. my brand new environment, with the independence. I had been drunk for “My God, how understanding! Some- About seven o’clock someone right people! nine days, sick and alone and desper- body who knows that you couldn’t came over to this girl and asked her to So I left there and went to another ate. They didn’t have to tell me that walk and why you couldn’t walk!” I speak at a meeting in Brooklyn. I was army post, where some Red Cross alcoholism was a sickness. When you said to her, “I don’t know, I haven’t scared this girl would leave me. It was workers took me out on a date with take a bottle and lock that door and tried.” She said, “Well, the only rea- the first time in my life I ever had some British officers. I got drunk go in by yourself, that is death. son I ask is, if you can’t we’ll come needed someone, and I knew it. I with the British officers, and I don’t This day I decided to give up. I over to you.” And I reared up in all looked at her to see what she would need to tell you what I told the British don’t know why you give up one day my arrogance and I said, “You’ll say. She looked at me and said, officers, 1 being Irish. I left the next and not another – I have never been never come to me, but 1’11 go to “Would you like to go to Brooklyn?” day, telling my boss that I needed a you!” It took me until four o’clock I don’t like to go to Brooklyn when that day to get there. I’m cold sober! But 1 wanted to stay I shall never forget how comforted sober, and I went to Brooklyn. I I felt that there was a building, there don’t know who spoke first, last, or was a place, there were people who what, but someone got up and said he were interested in what was wrong had been in Bellevue thirty-five times. with me. I walked in that door and I thought, “Oh, my God! 1’11 look the girl asked me my name, and I like St. Cecilia here!” I was so glad to said, “I’d rather not give you my be able to tell this dark secret that I name.” She said, “We don’t care if had had for eight years that I nudged you haven’t got a name, just so you a man alongside of me and said, have an alcoholic problem!” Well, I “Mister, do you know I was in Bellewas put to shame, and I told her my vue once?” He said, “Okay, girlie, name. She assigned me to another girl you’ll get the program.” I guess he who took me upstairs. 1 looked into figured I was just another psycho! this girl’s eyes, and I thought, “If The next day I started back for the only my eyes would ever be that clear clubhouse. On my way over, that again, then I’d be grateful for that thick head of mine started saying to alone.” Little did 1 ever think that me, “1 don’t know that you’re such a many more things would happen to drunk. I think you’re far too dramaable to understand that. I had suf- me than clear eyes. tic about this whole thing. Why d o very serious operation, and he agreed fered on drunks before, but as they ‘ The first thing I learned that day you have to go over there with that with me. I never had the courage to explained it to me in AA, that partic- was that if I never took another drink bunch of people?” 1 was walking wait to be fired. I left every place I’d ular day I hit bottom. I decided to call I would never have another problem along a Bowery sort of street, with ever been. I ran away from life. I up AA, but I didn’t know that the with alcohol. That went over in my music playing and those awful neon never knew myself until I got into AA. clubhouse didn’t open until noon. So mind like a Victrola record. I had lights all around, and suddenly a little . 1 had heard about AA about a year I kept drinking and calling up, and never thought about that first drink. I man started to follow me. Not the before I came in, but I thought it was drinking and calling up. Finally, I got had schemed and stolen drinks, but it kind of man that follows nice girls. some organization that helped you someone on the telephone, and I told was never the first one. And here I And suddenly I said to myself, “Lis- , out financially, and I was always too her I was in trouble and asked what I had a very simple problem – one ten, Toots, there’s something the I independent for that. But on June 1, should do. The girl asked me if I drink, and that’s all I was able to matter with you when a guy like that

follows you, and you better get over and compassion for their suffering. I to the clubhouse and find out what it had to wait until these people gave it is!” I always like to say that on my to me so that I could go out and give second day I was “wolfed” into AA. it away. I had heard that I had to make Then I began to have trouble with amends, and do something good for myself, and I went to see Dr. Silksomeone – that I was too selfcen- worth and he explained to me what tered. I thought of a girl friend who honesty was. I always thought honhad a brand new baby, and she liked esty had something to do with telling to get drunk on Saturday night. And I other people the truth. He explained thought, “That’ll be it. That’ll be that it had to do first with telling mygood.” I called her up and told her selfthe truth. I spent most of my life I’d mind the baby while she went out worrying about myself, thinking that and got drunk. That’s how much I I was unwanted, that I was unloved. knew about doing good! The next I’ve learned since being in AA that day I called my boss and told what the more I worry about me loving happened to me and asked if she you, and the less I worry about you would take me back to work. It.was loving me, the happier I’ll be. tne first time in my life that I ever I discovered a fellowship of human showed any sort of humility, that I beings that I’d never seen before. ever asked anybody for anything. I learned how to have self-respect And I went back there to work. I through work that AA gave me to do. learned that going back and facing I learned how to be a friend. I learned something unpleasant, regardless of how to go out and help other people how tough it is at the time, is a lot – there was nowhere else I could easier than running away. have done that. I have learned that I went to meetings every night in the more I give, the more I will have; the week, because I’m that kind of the more I learn to give, the more I person. I either do a thing or I don’t learn to live. do it. I didn’t have to give up very much, because my life before AA was very empty, very lonely, and very superficial. Then I was always afraid of being a sucker, for some unknown reason – I always thought people were taking advantage of me. said, “Oh, you can’t go. You have to One day a call came in to the club- be sober three months.” And then I house for someone to go out and do a realized that here I had spent all my Twelfth Step job. And they looked at life afraid that people were trying to me and said, “How long are you in?” get something out of me, and I had and I said, “A week or so.” And they nothing to give! Now I was in an

October 1991

of various kinds, and luck to carry on rooming house, sometimes a flop with considerable success. house, sometimes the back room of a About this lime I stopped all so- police stalion and once in a doorway; cia1 drinking. I became a periodical many times in the alcoholic ward at a drunkard, the sprces lasting from hospital, and once in a subway toilet. three days to three weeks and the dry Sometimes decently fed, clothed and intervals lasting from three weeks to housed, I worked at my business on four months. During one of the best years, I This is the seventh in an intermittent series of personal stories made a happy marriage and the age of thirty-five found me with the followwhich first appeared at the back of the first and second ing: a beautiful little home presided editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were over by a kind, understanding, and later dropped from the third edition. lovely wife; a partnership in a firm I By presenting this story from the second edition, the Grape had helped to found years before; more than a comfortable income; vine is happy to offer newcomers a chance to meet – in many luxuries and many friends; opprint – some of the Fellowship’s early members. portunity to follow my interests and Iiobbies; a love of my work; pride in my success; great health; optimism; and hope on the crcdit side. On the In early youth I work, travel, sports, and a little idle- other hand, 1 had a growing, gnawing believed I had ness, and I seem to have avoided alco- fear of my recurring trouble. some of the ten- holic difficulties of the more pro- I slipped by far too easy stages to dencies which lead nounced kind. the bottom in less than eight years. to alcoholism. I Immediately before marriage and Not a pleasant place, the bottom. refer to attemnted in the short time before sailing for Sometimes I slept in a cheap hotel or escapes from reality. France, alcohol began to take a real At fifteen and sixteen, although part in my life. A year and a half in free at home to drink small amounts wartime France postponed the ineviof beer and wine, I drank consider- table and the postwar period of hopes able quantities of stronger liquors at and plans brought me nearer and school and other places. Not enough nearer to the point where I eventually to cause serious worry, but enough found myself to be an alcoholic. Not apparently to give me occasionally that I would have admitted it then, what I thought I wanted. Escape? A having the alcoholic’s usual facility feeling of superiority? I do not know. for deception, both to self and others. 1 then decided I’d had enough of Divorced, sometimes suspecting school, which decision was probably that drinking was the basis for most shared by the schools. The next few of my troubles but never admitting it, years were spent in civil engineering I had enough left in health, interests Repinled with permission 01 MWwld Services. Inc.

commission with a large firm; some- point where for the first timein several times I dared not appear there cold, years I could see some light and hope hungry, with torn clothes, shaking ahead of me. Through a haze of doubt body and muddled brain advertising and skepticism 1 began to realize, what I had become. Helpless, hope- partly at least, many things in myself less, bitter. which had greased the path 1 had pur- Sometimes I was apparently on the sued, and some vague thoughts and way back, and sometimes writhing in ideas came to me that are now crystalbed for days at a time, terrorized by izing with the help of the men I have the fear and insanity and by the spec- been happy to join. tres of people without faces, people What thoughts and ideas? The with horrible faces, people grimacing answer is short, although the road to and laughing at me and my misery. it is long and tedious. Tortured by dreams from which I My intelligence, instead of drawwould awake with a scream of agony ing me further away from spiritual and bathed in cold sweat. Tortured by faith, is bringing me closer to it. 1 no daydreams of what might have been, longer react in quite the same way dreams of the kindness, faith and when my will and desires are apparlove that had been heaped upon me. ently frustrated. Due to this last, however, and to The simple words “Thy Will Be what little remained of my former Done” and the s i m ~ l eideas of honself and perhaps to some lingering esty and of helping h e r s are taking power of spiritual faith, I became on a new meaning for me. I should somewhat better. Not well, but better. not be surprised to find myself com- This helped me to take stock and to ing to the astounding conclusion that try to do some clear thinking. I found God, whoever or whatever he may my inventory somewhat mixed, but as be, is eminently more capable of runmy thoughts became clearer, I grew ing this universe than 1 am. At last I much better and at last arrived at that believe I am on my way.

February 1992

good spot which was available for a ings we ever attended, those early morning meeting, everyone talked it members, and so forth. Gradually, up, and – fifteen old-timers showed we began to talk about some of toup! There was an almost equal num- day’s thoughts and experiences. At ber of men and women. ilrst, it seemed almost like admitting Everyone was so happy to see the a kind of failure when any shortcomfew months ago, after ameeting, others! They talked about the old ing was mentioned. After all, these my friend John and I were talk- times, and told some jokes about were the retirement years we had ing about older members such as our- each other all over again. It was great! looked forward to for so long. But selves, and about how seldom we see Something like a family reunion. The never before in our AA experience any of them at meetings. 01′ John and same thing would happen in any other had we told each other we were per- I have continued meetings regularly, group, 1 am sure. fect, or expected to be perfect – so but the majority of older members At that meeting, the chairman why should we be now? Now we are have not. We miss our old friends. made the coffee and chose the chair- discussing today’s level of life, and At the same time we have heard, man for the next meeting. This little sharing and helping just as we always occasionally, about an older member routme has been followed, and so did before. who has had a slip, got through it – nobody is excluded. We have had visitors from other sometimes without asking for help – At our second meeting, fifteen towns, and so the word is out among and still has not returned to meetings. members again arrived and not all the neighboring groups as well. We feel John and 1 began to talk to our old same faces as the week before. It con- we are not unique and hope others friends and learned they might be tinued the same way! It has been easy will find the surprising support. and interested in starting an old-timers because, apparently without being pleasures we have found, by forming group. John contacted most of the aware of it, many of us wanted the their own groups as AA always has, old-timers – fellows who still come same thing. or by continuing to come to join with to the clubhouse to play cards and In the beginning, the talk centered us. Either way – it’s wonderful AA! visit. They agreed on a time, found a around memories of the first meet- Dorothy D., No. Plarte, Neb.

F e b r u a r y 1992

I somehow got the impression that couple of women. I made myself inthere was an AA hospital or clinic or visible, if that’s possible, because they something, but at the bottom of the all looked so happy and were laughing article it said if you need help, write a n d talking. 1 thought, well, they’re to Box such-and-such in New York. I t h e doctors and the nurses and so rang the bell for the bath attendant forth and 1 thought they would be and asked for pencil, paper, envelope giving me a pill any minute now and a stamp, and 1 think 1 wrote a the magic pill, the cure-all. rather pitiful letter to New York. I Eventually a man got up and rapped said, I am a desperate alcoholic and on the table for order. And he said, I’ll take the next plane back there and “This is a regular meeting of Alcotake your cure. holics Anonymous in California. We The answer came a few days later, are a band of ex-drunks who gather airmail special delivery, from Ruth to obtain and maintain our sobriety

Learning Hock, God bless her. She was Bill on an all-time basis with no mental W.’s nonalcoholic stenographer and reservations whatsoever.” I thought had been for many years when Bill to myself, What an order; I can’t go was in Wall Street. And now she was through with it. Well, I didn’t have to still working for him and she an- go through with it that night. I didn’t swered all the mail from that Satur- get a chance because he continued .L I day Evening Post article. She an- with, “But as is our custom before y name is Sybil, and I’m an swered my letter and said, You needn’t this meeting starts, all you women alcoholic. I got to this Fellow- and I saw this sign, “Sultan Turkish come back to New York, there’s one leave.” And these two women that I ship in 1941, and I want to just rem- Baths.” I decided I could sweat it out group in Los Angeles. That’s for all hadn’t even noticed particularly beinisce with you a little bit about the there and get myself in shape, but 1 of California. It’s very small and it cause I was so desperately frightened, olden days, what I call the covered thought I’d better have something to j has been a struggle for them. They they just strolled out into the lobby. 1 wagon days. read. So I stopped at the newsstand have met in a couple of hotel lobbies later found out they were the wives – A couple of weeks ago, my hus- and bought a Saturday Evening Post but they are now meeting in the Elks there was no Al-Anon then, and the band asked me if I could recall my – five cents. It was dated March 1, Temple every Friday night at 8:30. women were quite used to leaving the last drunk, and I said, “Yes, I can.” 1941, and on the cover it said, “Alco- And she said, You’ll be very wel- meeting and waiting in the lobby; I was driving along one day, wanting holics Anonymous, by Jack Alexan- come, I’m sure. They have no women they came back later for coffee and to go home but afraid to because I der.” I was stunned because I had alcoholics in California. donuts. But I thought this had been couldn’t face anyone, and I ended up read about AA in 1939, in the Liberty I I seemed to have unbounded faith cooked up to throw me out. And it in San Francisco. Now I couldn’t go Magazine, I believe, one little para- that it was going to be okay. I got worked, because 1 put my hands over home for sure – it was the next day. graph about an inch big. Even that dressed, but I couldn’t comb my hair my face and I ran out into the lobby. I What was I going to do? Shaking, impressed me and 1 intended to cut it so I tied a turban thing on my head lurked around in the ladies’ room sweating, eyes bloodshot, face puffed out and save it but I hadn’t. But here and I poked my hair all up under it, awhile and then I went into hysterics up, I’d run out of lies, and I thought, it was. So I t o ~ kthe magazine with and down I went. When I got to the and I got in my car and I headed for a a

if I go home right now it’s going to me, had the Turkish bath, and even Elks Temple they directed me into a bar and I got very drunk. be too late. I can’t think of a lie that though I was just too sick to think, 1 small dining room, and seated around I thought, How exclusive can you will wash. ‘ knew there was hope. the table were ten or twelvemen, anda get! To kick me out like that. And as I

drank and got more livid, I turned to AA had. It was a thin pamphlet and there with Tex, and his winos, and Sybil. Come up here, Sybil..I’m putthe people beside me at the bar and I gave a few basic facts on the Steps, me, and about fifteen others, and he ting you in charge of all the women.” I said, “I’m a member of Alcoholics and as he read it he had a pint bottle said, “Well now, we got to get all had to be honest. I went up there and Anonymous.” And they said, “So in his hip pocket, as usual. He was these drunks down here by next Fri- ‘I said, “Well, I’ll probably be drunk what!” Then at 2 P.M., when the reading and saying, “That’s good day night. So we’re going to have to ‘next Friday. I always have been.” bartender was trying to get me out of stuff, Syb. They really know what cut this crowd up in sections. And if . And then I said, “What are you going there, 1 called Cliff, who’s in the they’re doing there. So you’re going there’s anyone here from Riverside to do tonight? What are you going to book AA Comes of Age. Cliff and Friday, huh?” And I said, “That’s County, come down and get these say to me that is going to make it dif- Dorothy had been taking care of all right, Tex.” So he says, “Well, I’m Twelfth Step calls.” Tex went down ferent? So that when I walk out that the Twelfth Step calls for California going with you.” He said, “1’11 tell in front and Frank gave him forty or door tonight during the week that I’m since the group started in 1939. 1 was you the truth – the reason 1 want to fifty of the Letters to read and answer out there by myself I won’t get those very indignant. I said, “Well, 1 went go there. Those guys that are working from alcoholics who asked for help. butterflies and the sweating palms?” down to your group tonight and they for me down on Skid Row. I can’t get Then he said, “Anyone from the I said, “What’s going to be different? threw me out.” He said, “Oh no, no, a regular crew together.” He was a beaches?” This guy raised his hand, You got to do something tonight. I’m sure they did not do that. Did you vegetable peddler then, with a truck- Curlv from Long Beach, and he went How can 1 stay sober for a week? I’d tell them you were an alcoholic?” 1 run around four in the morning, and down and got forty or fifty letters. like to be able to go and ring doorsaid, “Of course not. No, they threw the winos sometimes didn’t show up. And this went on – Pasadena, Santa bells and bring all those drunks down 1

me out all right.” He said, “Well, we He said, “If I can sober them up, 1’11 Monica, and one guy from Fresno, here. But I haven’t read the Big need you, we need you. Please come make a lot of money. So what I’m one from Santa Barbara and so forth, Book.” He said, “1 know that.” back. We haven’t had a woman alco- going to do is take them all down until there was one remaining stack I said, “Truthfully, I haven’t read holic.” When I heard the words “we there and get them all fixed.” of letters, about a fifth of them. your pamphlet. 1 haven’t felt well need you,” I thought, well, I am a So it was with fear and trembling enough to read.” He said, “I know good typist and maybe I should vol- that 1 looked forward to that Fri- that. You’re not expected to know unteer my services. Then I said, “All day night, becauseTex pulled up in very much.” But he said, “You asked right, now, I’ve had about enough of front of my house in his vegetable me how you could stay sober until this and I want you to send your AA truck and standing in the back were next Friday. Now I’ll tell you it’s in ambulance.” He said, “We don’t eleven winos. I crawled up in the cab that Big Book that you haven? read. have any such thing. You go back of the truck with Tex and down we go Somewhere in that Big Book it says next Friday night and tell them you’re to the meeting. There were a few that when all other measures fail, an alcoholic. You’ll be as welcome as more people there that week, but the working with another alcoholic will the flowers in May.” full impact of the Saturday Evening save the day. Now I’m going to tell I don’t know what I did that week. Post hadn’t hit. But I got to hear you what to do quite simply. You take Probably was drunk and sober and the Twelve Steps read, and also the this basket of mail and tomorrow drunk and sober, but I know this: fifth chapter. morning you start ringing the doorthat it was a miracle I ever went back, At the conclusion of that meeting, bells, and when the girl answers the and thank God I did. But I didn’t go Frank R., God bless him – he was my door you say to her, ‘Did you write back alone. Because during that week sponsor and so was Cliff – reached this letter asking for help with adrinkmy brother Tex came to see me. He over and got a b.ushel of mail that had ing problem?’ And when she says, came in the house and he picked up come because of the article. Hun- And he said, “I’ve been saving this ‘Well, yes I did,’ say, ‘Well, I wrote the pamphlet Ruth had mailed me dreds of letters from alcoholics. He ‘stack up for the last because we now one like that last week and it was from New York, the only one that looked at that skinny little crowd have a woman alcoholic. Her name is answered. I went down there and I

looked them over. I didn’t find out You’ll have the report on it. That’s a wasn’t there, and you want to know how they’re doing it but they’re doing good system.” And 1 took it oh so why? He had been excommunicated. &and they look good. So if you want seriously because I’d go down to the Because he had started a group. The to quit drinking as badly as I want to mother group – now we had two, powers that be, the boys downtown, quit drinking, you come with me and three, four hundred people possibly, called Tex on the carpet and said, we’ll find out together.’ ” microphone and everything – and “Tex, fold the group up. Whqre’s ,C 2 “Oh,” I said, “I think I can do as the forty or fifty women came in your loyalty to the mother group?” that alright.'”~ I took the mail and I and they were seated, I could think, He said, “I’m loyal to the mother went home with it, and I was getting “There’s Eva. She called on Bonnie. group. I’m just sick of picking up ready the next morning to get in my Bonnie called on so-and-so, and Fran, guys in Long Beach and driving them car and start ringing doorbells, and and yeah, yeah.” And it checked out thirty-five miles to Los Angeles, so I my brother Tex came over. He said, perfectly, beautiful. Then 1 would tell started a group at the halfway point. “I’m g ~ i n gto ride around with you Frank and Mort it was working fine. Some of my boys are down here tofor laughs.” Well, it wasn’t for They’d say, “That’s nice. You’re night. You come out to our group laughs. We made all those calls and doing a good job.” next Friday night and we’ll just kind out of fifty.we may have gotten a But one night I went to the mother of visit back and forth.” And they dozen or more. Some of the letters group and a gal came down the aisle said, “No, you’re excommunicat- Tex advised me to resign my job of were from landladies who wanted the and she had six strangers with her ed,” and he laughed and laughed being in charge of the women. He guy upstairs not to make so much and they hadn’t been cleared through and laughed. said, “Tell them you’re too busy help noise on a Saturday night, and some- me. And I walked up to her and I About a month later they called ing your brother with his group and times it turned out the wife had writ- said, “Where did you get these wom- him down. They had a committee suggest that they have a secretary of ten in for a husband who was an alco- en? You know what Frank and Mort meeting and they asked, did he decide their very own.” I did that, but how it holic, and Tex came in handy there. are going to say about the system.” to fold up the group and he said, hurt. But it had been good for me at And some of them were from women She said, “To hell with the system! 1 “Nope. Doing fine. Got a lot of the the time, because I had no ego. My who wanted help. have friends who have a drinking I boys down here with me tonight and ego had been smashed for so many We did take a number of women problem same as 1 do, and they found you’re welcome to come to my meet- years, and it was good to feel that I down and a few men. The meeting out that 1 was getting sober and stay- ing. It’s a participation meeting where was wanted and needed and that I grew – and I mean it mushroomed. ing sober. They asked me how I was alcoholics all talk.” Well, at the had this little job to do. It was good But here’s what happened. Frank had doing it. 1 told them I joined AA. I mother group, we had two speakers, for me at the time and it was good said, “I’m putting you in charge of They said, ‘Can I go with you?’ I Frank and Mort, for two years. So that I gave it up. the women.!’ Well, to me that was said, ‘Yes.”‘ She said, “It’s as simple they said, “We thought you’d say Several years later, they called me like a neon sign that was going on and as that and anytime anybody wants to that, so we have incorporated Alco- up and told me to come down and be off, “charge, charge, charge.” And I come to an AA meeting with me for a holics Anonymous in California.” the executive secretary for the Central could be real big because Frank and drinking problem that’s the way it’s I And they had. Those that are still Office of Alcoholics Anonymous in Mort gave me a notebook and they going to be, and I’ll never report to I around down there will tell you. It Los Angeles, and 1 was, for twelve said, “Now you write down all the you again.” took us about a year to laugh that one glorious years. So you see in AA you names of &womenand then you get Well, when she told me that, tears off, until Tex began to visit the mother turn a new page and it’s all new again. them a sponsor. And you have the came to my eyes and I couldn’t get group and the mother group mem- 1 want to be a newcomer – this sensponsor report back t o you. Then, out of there fasi enough. I wanted to bers began to visit the Hole in the iority bit is a lot of baloney. We’re all when you look in your notebook, you run up to Huntington Park and tell Ground Group – it was called that fledglings, learning to fly. will know who you gave the call to. my brother Tex all about it. But he because they met in the basement. Sybil C., Los A ngeles, CalG

February 1992

hospital for her withdrawal treat- to be out of town. ment. There the nurse told me that I In those meetings I was supported, had to be sure she drank plenty of nurtured and encouraged to become orange juice to avoid dangerous con- what I could be and wished for and vulsions. 3 dreamed about. Every AA meeting This was my first experience with has the same format but the messages this kind of treatment, and I was are very individual. It is not unusual scared that something would happen for a person to hear a new idea that is to this beautiful woman – not be- exactly what that person wanted and $ cause she was beautiful but because needed to hear at that moment. I was responsible for her. 1 stayed One meeting I reported that I had I with her for hours, well into the next hospitalized my landlady, who had morning, and she drank plenty of been drunk for weeks. The members orange juice. began to praise me. That was the first This was my introduction to what time I had ever been praised for an it feels like to take care of another action of minc, and I shall never forhuman being. In that one call I get the warm wonderful feeling that learned that I was not an alcoholic bubbled up inside. I can remember because my mother died when 1 was that feeling right now. three. I learned I was not an alcoholic Another of our Friday night meetbecause my father and my second ings fell on my birthday, and the stepmother didn’t want me. I learned group had a cake with candles and that a woman could have a mother, a sang “Happy birthday, Nancy.” I

A Lifetime of Learning -brother and money and still be an started to cry and cried and cried so alcoholic. I learned that what caused much that 1 had to leave the party me to drink was not important. And 1 with the remains of the cake in a box learned that what was important was under my arm. I cried all the way he Independent Blonde – that’s many before you have. Work with the what I was going to do about it. home and for hours into the night. how I was described in my story AA program because it works.” That The message for me was clear: That was another first – the first in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anony- gave me hope. If others could do it, I “You know what to do, so do it. Use birthday cake I had ever had, and the mous* soon after I arrived in AA could do it. the Twelve Steps as a guide in creating gesture, the attention, the celebration on June 1, 1945. One day while I was on duty as a new, productive, satisfying life.” struck me in a vulnerable spot. The first thing I heard was “Don’t a volunteer at the club for AAs on That I set out to do. The episode, gratifying as it was, take that first drink. You are sick. West 41st Street in New York a call One night I attended a meeting in was also alarming. My hysterical re- You are allergic to alcohol. AA came in to hospitalize a woman. She the home of a woman who was not an sponse made me understand that I knows how to help you get well, as lived in a duplex apartment beauti- alcoholic. But she did know about had big troubles that needed t o be fully furnished with oriental rugs alcoholics because her husband was investigated and worked on. That and Louis XV chairs. There she sat, in AA. The meetings were held in was the beginning of my search for *See the July 1991 Grapevine for a reprint of this Big Book story, “The Independent drunk, her mother by her side, bewil- her home every Friday night for fif- ways and means of becoming emo- Blonde,” from the second edition of Alco- dered, her brother angry, frustrated teen years, and every Friday night for tionally mature. I learned that there holics Anonymous. in his helplessness. We went to a posh fifteen years I was there unless I had is no instant cure. It takes insight,

honesty and. patience over a long, a great way to keep life interesting. After fifteen years of sobriety, provement of my skills rewarded me long period. Don’t think I’m a Pollyanna; I’m however, I had a slip. Why? In retro- for I became recognized and respect- The next episode that impressed not. My AA life was not without spect I had forgotten that AA had to ed, nationally and internationally, in me came on VJ Day in August 1945. I troubles. All life has troubles. The be my priority. My self development; my craft. I was offered opportunities was working in a first-class hotel in difference now is that I know how to was important, but in the process I to teach advanced hairdressing skills New York and around eleven o’clock cope with troubles – by realizing it is had forgotten the AA philosophy of at workshops around the country and that morning there seemed to be an a challenge to find solutions, con- giving and receiving help, and I had at international conventions. Teachexplosion and everybody just let structive solutions. I am convinced forgotten the power of the Twelve ing is a very gratifying experience and themselves go. The atmosphere in the that finding solutions to my problems Steps. I have had no trouble since a wonderful way of paying back, in entire hotel was wild. All the guests is my responsibility, and that convic- then, thank God, for AA works when passing on to others, all that I had opened their doors, blew horns, sang tion has worked for me almost always. you work it. received. By this time I had my own and popped champagne corks. I got Growing emotionally was a long, business that lasted successfuly for 26 so scared I would drink that I ran out slow process and a most difficult years, until I retired at the age of 79. into the street and began to make my way to the 41st Street clubhouse. All ‘Dzj.cover Younelf: task. It takes years. But along the way the rewards are so satisfying and en- Growing socially was yet another major task. I went to my first AA New York seemed to be in the middle of 42nd Street, waving flags, crying, Evaythiy Else ) iching that one realizes the value of meeting feeling that nobody wanted me. While 1 didn’t admit it, I didn’t the process and therefore is willing to laughing, hugging each other, danc- Hm Been Dune.’ work at it – one day at a time. Being want very many of them, either. For- : ing – all at the same time. When I in AA, where one encounters many tunately for me, when I met another opened the door of the clubhouse, I people, different people, who are also alcoholic my perceived negative nosaw more people, whooping it up, When I learned to forgive my father learning to grow up gives one the sup- tions about people vanished. What 1 celebrating with good feelings – and for what I thought he had done to me, port that is so necessary. saw was someone who was suffering with coffee. and for what he did do to me, I was Growing up spiritually is also a as I suffered, and there was immedi- Having a place to go, where I be- helped to resolve that problem. It was never-ending process, and an exciting ate rapport. As time went on I was longed, where I could share impor- a healing experience and helpful in process. The Twelfth Step, for exam- able to apply these positive feelings tant feelings without the aid of alco- establishing much better relation- ple, gave me an instant awareness of toward nonalcoholics, and this was hol, was turning out to be a reliable ships with men friends. It was a great how important it is to care for some- the beginning of knowing how to be a support when I felt overwhelmed by day when I caught on to the idea of one. Caring for another alcoholic friend and help a friend. ‘ events and experiences that I had developing what nature had endowed helped me overcome self-centered- And social growth paid rich divicoped with earlier only with the un- me with instead of complaining about ness and that is a relief and a tremen- dends in business as well. From a reliable, indeed dangerous, recourse what I didn’t have. From then on 1 dous reward in exchange. It was a tongue-tied technician 1 had grown to alcohol. didn’t have to use a lot of energy try- wonderful day when I left a life of into an entrepreneur capable of un- I reached out to every suggestion ing to justify difficulties by insisting dependency and recognized that 1 was derstanding, responding to, and enand learned what other people were that I had no good points. In my pur- an interdependent member of the joying a clientele of cultivation and doing and trying. One led me to a lec- suit of a better way to live, even at human race. breadth of experience. ture about self-understanding. As I this late date, I remind myself that it Growing up financially was also As I grow older, I realize that my entered the lecture hall I saw a sign is fruitless to envy those who found a necessary for me, and I started by friends are the most important pleathat said “Discover Yourself. Every- good way in their youth. They were developing greater skills in my work sure in my life, along with my very thing Else Has Been Done.” I have fortunate. My present and future – hairdressing. I wanted to be the good health. never forgotten that admonition, nor depend on my continuing to learn to best I could be. That took lots of Growing educationally, as we all have I ceased discovering myself. It is live richly, joyously,. rewardingly. time, energy and patience, but im- know, is a lifelong process. I left

school in the 8th grade. Not until my In an instant he said, “Go back to 50s did I go to high school at night school.” And just as quickly I said, after work. In my 70s I watched an “I’m too dumb to do that.” To which old friend who was scared to death of he replied, “That’s a cop-out if I ever getting older. She was in comfortable heard one.” circumstances and there didn’t seem a Thus, with his help, I began college reason for her fear, at least not a fi- at age 70. It was a struggle, but I took nancial reason. She had a job, a pen- it easy. I kept working in my salon; I sion, a family. I began to think that couldn’t give that up; and took only could happen to me, to be scared of two subjects each semester, the most I getting older, and I decided I had bet- could handle. And nine-and-a-half ter look into the situation and see years later, at the ripe age of 80, 1 what I could do to prevent an obses- graduated cum laude with a B.S. sive fear from overtaking me. from thecity University of NewYork. I went to see a good friend who is a All through those years of growing psychologist. Since I had been in ther- in various ways AA was my sanctuapy with him years before I felt very ary, my refuge, my protection, and a comfortable with him and put the primary source of stimulus, motivaquestion: “What can I do to prevent tion, and friendship. being afraid of age, of getting older?” Nancy E , Kennett Square, Pa.

February 1992 J*’

This was downtown on Wall Street, said, “I’m going to send you to see an through it and a sentence hit her eye: in New York. Quite a small place. alcoholic woman.” “We cannot live with anger.” She de- I walked through to Bill’s office, “Oh, how can some drunk help voured the book and sent word to her frightened, guilty, and ashamed. This me? ” brother-in-law, who was drinking. man, whoever he was, would surely 1 “She isn’t drinking anymore. “Grenny, we’re not alone anymore!” pull out a pen and a pad. He’d say, We’re never healed, we’re just af- After she left Blythewood, Bill and “How much do you drink?” “How rested.” his wife, Lois, took her in. She was long have you been drinking?” He talked to Marty and said, “I’m the first woman in AA who stayed “What did you do?” sending you this gorgeous stumble- sober. The one before her had not But here was this long, lanky, bum. All right? Her name is Felicia.” made it. sleepy-looking fellow with his feet on The next day I went reluctantly to As for me, I started going to meetthe desk. He got up and said “Hello Marty’s apartment. I thought, “Aha! ings at our clubhouse, a little building there! Take a chair.” He’s passing the buck. She’ll quiz in Hell’s Kitchen, a down-and-out When we both sat down, he said, me. She’ll ask me how long I’ve been neighborhood on the west side of “Do you think you’re one of us?” drinking and what I’ve done.” New York. 1 didn’t take in much at I said, “Yes, oh yes!” But Marty did no such thing. This the first two meetings, but then Marty I hadn’t been one of anybody for a well-dressed attractive woman in spoke. She said, “AA in one word is long time; even my merry drinking her charming apartment, with so love.” I thought, what’s that? 1 crowd in the Village had told me to get many familiar books on the shelves, haven’t had any of that for years! . lost. 1 was so disagreeable when I was launched into her own story. It was as Nobody really loves me. But slowly I drinking, always taking other peo- bad, if not worse, than mine. She’d began learning what love was. ple’s inventories. 1 hated myself and I fallen out of a window in London Bill had asked me if I believed in took it out on others. Most of the and broken her hip and jaw. In a God and I said, “Not anymore.” friends I had grown up with had London hospital, where they didn’t I quit going to church when I was am an old-timer in AA, one of the deserted me. My social life was a bar give her enough pain-killers, her seventeen. What had it ever done for real old ones. (I joined the pro- down on Eighth Street. friends had to bring liquor in to re- me – or this world? But Bill said, gram and after one short slip, I so- Bill said, “Alcoholism is an illness. duce her agony. “Keep an open mind.” . bered up on Thanksgiving Day, 1944.) We’re sick, not immoral. We can’t On a New York street, she’d been Finally, slowly, my ears were, But when people try to make some- help drinking any more than a klepto- knocked down and almost raped, and opened. Marty, referring to an old thing out of that I stop them. maniac can help stealing. He’s let out her purse was stolen. She, too, drank Bette Davis movie, said, “See, she “I’m no different from you,” I say of jail. He swears he’ll never steal in cheap bars. I now tried to interrupt was saved by doing something for to them. “I’m just following the again. But he looks in the window of but Marty, who with Bill was the somebody else.” lbelve Steps as best 1 can.” Over the a toy store, and there is a little red fire greatest teacher in all AA for my And I, who had nothing but drunkyears, I have had the opportunity to engine. He can’t resist it. He goes in money, did not let me talk. She went en fights with my drunken mother, I, hear a lot of wonderful advice and to and is caught trying to make away straight on. who was divorced, who had negrected follow it. Some great wisecracks and with it. So the store calls the police, In Blythewood Sanitarium in Green- my daughter, letting her father raise questions have helped. The first ques- and bang! He’s back in jail again. We wich, Connecticut, she was given the her. . .well, I began to see that I’d tion probably saved my life. That was are like that with alcohol. We can Big Book, as we call it. Her mentor, better think about others in our prowhen “my shrink” sent me to see Bill rarely stop alone. AA is a way to Dr. Tiebout, put it in her hand. “This gram and try to help. W. at the AA headquarters known as stop. We have Twelve Steps to go by.” is the textbook of Alcoholics Anon- One of our sayings is, “If anybody, the Foundation. He picked up the telephone and ymous,” he said. Marty thumbed anywhere reaches out for help, I am

responsible” and in the many years just as sick.” since I’ve been sober, I have done this I often felt “rejected because unwor- And the whole room lit up. He So I stayed sober. I stopped having thy.” Then a member of my church, knew God’s presence. as ,best I could. a problem with alcohol, but I kept on But Bill sent for Dr. Silkworth and And I’ve had such great help from an enlightened soul, said to me, “Lithaving trouble with me. After a third tle you can’t do much, but big you ;said, “Was that a true experience or . other people in the program. They marriage, which turned out to be the have said such wonderful things to can do anything.” am I having hallucinations?” worst one, I got divorced and went Of course that’s God within us, ‘ Thank God for the faith and wisme that I have acquired some wis- into clinical depressions, which alterdom, and led a happy, sober life, and when 1 feel challenged and over- dom of “Silky,” who told Bill that nated with abnormal exultation. whelmed, 1 point to my middle and this was indeed a remarkable awakmost of the time. Oh yes, there have Chase and Marty kept my head been some rough stretches of road, say, “Big me can do anything!” and ening. above water. then I let go, and let God within me Bill, after some false starts, found but several people held my hand. I When I was low, I said to Marty, “I t

do it, solve it. The solution, when it a way to help someone else get sober. comes, is often something beyond my He knew that his own sobriety de- ‘AA in one word L h e . ‘ I thozrght, what’s wildest dreams. For we, as human beings, are fleshpended on helping others. He went out to Akron, Ohio on a business trip bound and finite, while we are living that fell through. So on a Sunday that? I haven’t had any @thai for years! here on earth. afternoon, he called all the ministers Recently, I’ve been able to make in town to find an active alcoholic have never been alone, not knowing want to jump out of a window.” She some progress. Sure, I still have my whom he could talk to. The last perwhere to turn. said, ” ~ u tyou might hit a pedestrian, terrible Irish temper. But sometimes son he called answered. She was Hen- For instance, I met Chase, who, you might cripple yourself.” I said, I’m able to control it. If I’m arguing rietta Sieberling (a friend of a miniswith his wife, had a bookstore on with somebody 1 say to them, “I dis- ter). She said, yes indeed, she knew of “Then I’ll lie down on the railroad agree with every word you say, but a man who needed help. Eighth Street, down in the Village. In tracks.” She said, “Just keep his drinking days he had had a fall 1’11 defend to the death your right So it was that Dr. Bob, a surgeon, plodding along, put one foot in front out of an open floor-length window. of another.” to say it.” Then I say, “Guess who listened to Bill and soon sobered up. He was standing in front of the john said that.” And then the two of them visited a Chase saw me often, too. He said, with his pants down, swaying, and he “Don’t just sit there, get on with the The angry person who’s been argu- third man in the local hospital. swayed right out, falling one story ing with me stops. They are divert- AA was born. And now there are business of living. Do something, ed. They almost always name one an estimated two million AAs all over and right into a barrel of ashes. His write something, translate The Little bare bottom was full of ash. of our founding fathers. Franklin? the world. Prince from the English version back Bill wrote the Twelve Steps in half Next day, he went back, hung over, into French.” Jefferson? to see that barrel. Right beside it was I’m a professional writer, and I can “But no!” I say. “It was an hour. Some changes were made a barrel of broken glass. That did it. Voltaire!” from that first draft. But there they speak nonfluent French and German. He joined AA in a hurry. But writing in either language – for- This usually calms us both down. stand. ‘ We thought in the past that aka- Adela St. Johns, a famous nonal- He became my second sponsor and get it! My spelling is hopeless. Howmy guru. When I said to him, “I can’t ever, I did what Chase said. I sat with holics were morally to blame for cohic newspaper woman and a friend imagine New Year’s without cham- a French dictionary beside me and their condition – until that spiri- of mine, once commented that “The pagne,” he said, “You can get just as translated that great masterpiece tual genius, Bill W., came along. In Twelve Steps are the greatest thing falling-down drunk in a great restau- from beginning to end. I wish I’d Town’s Hospital in 1934 where he that has been written since Moses rant drinking, as you can in the Bow- kept it for laughs. lay, sick from drink, he suddenly gave us the Ten Commandments.” ery on cheap wine. Just as crazy and cried out, “If there be a God, let him How right she was. I still had such law self-esteem that Felicia M., New Canaan, Conn. show himself now.”

February 1992

the infiltration into meetings of mate- my home group, by means of group rial from programs dealing with non- inventory, I do something about the addictive problems – programs deal- things that cause problems. ing with child abuse, codependency, At the group level, this might mean: and other hangups. These programs 1) ensuring that the message being have absolutely nothing to do with ‘presented today is as good as the messobriety, and as a matter of fact often sage that was here when we first needgo in a direction away from the prin- ed it; 2) seeing to it that everyone ciples of the Twelve Steps. Is it any coming through the door is given the wonder many of the newcomers are chance to hear firsthand exactly what confused, particularly when these it is all about from persons with qualthings are being brought in by mem- ity sobriety; and 3) making it known bers with some degree of sobriety that a group is not interested in all who should know better? this outside gobbledegook that has omewhat over thirty-four years I am grateful that my sponsor was So where does the problem lie? The nothing to do with sobriety. ago, I came to the Fellowship of a person who was very well versed in Big Book hasn’t changed. The pro- We can’t be all things to all people, Alcoholics Anonymous. I was sick, the content of the Big Book and a gram in the Big Book hasn’t changed. so let’s do the thing we do best and hurting, angry, and afraid. I remem- man who firmly believed in the duties What has changed is that the message that is carry the message of recovery ber so well the first meetings, and of a sponsor. What this man passed being transmitted at many meetings from alcohol. By being knowledgehow I had to sit on my hands trying to on to me was an understanding of the doesn’t accurately reflect the princi- able about our singleness of purpose, control the shaking – how these peo- requirements of sobriety, not the cork ples of our primary purpose and the we can do much to help our group ple came to me, put their hands on in the bottle type we hear so much message we are asked to carry in our and AA as a whole. We can avoid the my shoulder, and said, “Don’t about, but the real sobriety that Twelfth Step, the message of having pitfalls that caused the demise of sevworry, it’s going to be all right.” comes from practicing the program had a spiritual awakening as the re- eral other well-intentioned entities Then they took me aside and said, as it appears in the Big Book – the sult of working the Steps. that started off with the aim of h e l p “We know something you don’t program that formed the basis of All right then, what is the solution? ing alcoholics, but failed because they know because we have been through sobriety for our early members and There isn’t any sense running from drifted from their primary purpose. it, but if you will d o the things we say worked so very well for so many years pillar to post, ranting and raving It would be beneficial for everyone and accept our help, you will never in the Fellowship. about how AA is going to hell in a to realize that AA can only last as long find it necessary to take another Today, however, such is not always handbasket, because all that hap- as it remains “a fellowship of men and drink.” Then they sat me down and the case. Many times new members pens is the creation of a lot of doubt women who share their experience, talked about themselves and got me are simply left to float aimlessly and unrest. But there are things that strength, and hope with eachother that to tell a little bit about me. As we sat around the meetings, without ever can be done. they may solve their common prob and talked back and forth, I soon really finding out about the true na- As an individual I can’t control lem and help others to recover from found that I was the same as them, ture of their illness and more impor- many of the things that are changing alcoholism. ” Perhaps the following had been through the same things, tantly, about recovery. They aren’t but I can help ensure that if there are from a piece of AA literature would been in the same places, hurt myself given the opportunity to share in the changes, they will be positive. For help as well: “Sobriety – freedom and others the same way. I thought, program as it really is and they aren’t example, in a garden we remove or from alcohol – through the teaching “My God, I’m never going to need given the essential tools for change control undesirable weeds; in my per- and practice of the Twelve Steps, is another drink,” and to this date that necessary for permanent sobriety. sonal sobriety, I remove the things the sole purpose of an AA group.” has proven to be true. The problem is further aggravated by that have been blocking me; and in Pinky H., London, Ontario

February 1992

I soon found out that God didn’t work that way because I didn’t get the of others. I made many friends and girl or the job. abused them terribly. I didn’t want Six months later 1 was sitting in a to, but when it was a question of small hotel on the west side of New friendship or a drink, I usually took York full of remorse and desperate the drink. because 1 didn’t know what would In a final effort to escape, I went to happen next. A middle-aged man ap- This is the eighth in an intermittent series of personal stories New York thinking I could leave my proached me and said in a very sinreputation and troubles behind me. It cere voice, “Do you really want to which first appeared at the back of the first and second didn’t work. I was hired by eight stop drinking?” Immediately I aneditions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were large organizations and fired just as swered “Yes,” because I knew that later dropped from the third edition. quickly when they checked my refer- was the correct answer. He wrote ences. The world was against me. down a name and address and said, By presenting this story from the first edition, the Grape- They wouldn’t give me a chance. So I “When you are sure you do, go and vine is happy to offer newcomers a chance to meet – in continued my drinking and took any see this man.” He walked away. print – some of the Fellowship’s early members. mediocre job I could get. I began to think, “Did I really want Occasionally 1 dropped into a to quit? Why should I? If I couldn’t church half hoping that 1 might ab- have this girl and I couldn’t ever have sorb something, anything, that might a good job again, why in the hell Fired! Still, I got a could do this, 1 reasoned that there help a bit. On one of these visits I saw should I quit?” 1 tucked the address new and better was a real excuse for that last bender, and met a girl who I felt could be the into my pocket along with a nickel for job. One which and since that excuse no longer ex- answer to all of my problems. I told subway fare, just in case I ever gave me more time isted I could start to drink moder- her all about myself and how I felt decided to really quit. I started drinkto relax and where ately again. sure that with her friendship and love ing again, but could get no happiness drinking was per- 1 usually did – for a while. Then I everything could and would be differ- or release regardless of the number ,king hours. People would step up the consumption about ent. Although born in New York she of drinks. were beginning to criticize my drink- one glass a day until I reached the was “from Missouri.” 1 would have Occasionally I would check up to ing habits and I scoffed at them. stage where all of the unhappy expe- to show her first. She had seen other see if the address and the nickel were Hadn’t 1 earned ten thousand dol- riences associated with drinking were girls try to reform men by marrying still safe, because I was being ‘torlars that year? And wasn’t this the brought back to my mind. Soon I was them and she knew it didn’t work. mented with one thought this girl had middle of the Depression? Who were crying in my beer, full of self-pity, She suggested praying and having given to me. “You must be decent for they to say that I couldn’t handle my and off again to a flying start toward faith and a lot of things that seemed your own sake. And because you liquor? A year of this and I was fired. a floundering finish. silly at the time, but I really got down want to be decent, not because some- Other jobs followed with the same How many times this happened, I to business and started doing some one else wants you to be.” net result. After each experience of don’t know. I don’t even want to serious bargaining with God. I A week later I found myself in the this kind I would sit down and figure know. I do know that during this peri- prayed and prayed. In all earnestness presence of the man whose address out why it happened. I always found od I completely smashed nine new I said, “If you will get this girl for was in my pocket. His story was ina good reason, and usually people ac- automobiles and was never scratched. me then I’ll stop drinking for you.” credible. 1 couldn’t believe it, but he cepted it and gave me another chance. Even this didn’t convince me that And “If you will only get me my orig- had the proof. l’met men whose stor- For weeks, sometimes months, I there might bea God who was looking inal job back, I’ll drink moderately ies convinced me that in the ranks wouldn’t touch a drop and because I out for me in answer to the prayers for you.” of men who had been heavy drinkers

I was an amateur and a sissy. ferred him to my former employer What I heard was hard to believe but he refused to write him – but he but I wanted to believe it. What’s di4 give me the job. more I wanted to try it and see if it # has been three and a half years wouldn’t work for me. since I made that decision. Those It worked, and is still working. For years have been the happiest years of weeks 1 was bitter against society. my life. The little girl, who was big Why didn’t someone put me wise to enough to tell me thenasty truth when this before? Why did 1 have to go on I needed it, is now my wife. like that for years making my parents Eight months ago I went to another unhappy, abusing friends, and pass- city to set up a new business. I had ing up opportunities? It wasn’t fair sufficient money to last me several that 1 should be the instrument to months. What 1 wanted to accommake people unhappy. plish could have been done under I believe that I was now given this ordinary circumstances in about two experience so that I might understand weeks. The obstacles I have encounand be of some use in helping others tered and overcome are hard to enuto find a solution to this and other merate. At least twenty times I have problems. been sure that I would be doing busi- When I decided to do something ness within the next twenty-four about my problem, I wasreconciled to hours and at least twenty times somethe fact that it might be necessary for thing has happened which later made me to wash dishes, scrub floors, or do it seem that the business would never some menial task for possibly many get started. years in order to reestablish myself as While I am writing this I happen to a sober, sane, and reliable person. Al- be at the low point of the twenty-first though I still wanted and hoped for time. Money is exhausted. All recent the better things in life, I was prepared developments have been unfavorto accept whatever was due me. able, everything seems on the surface Once I became sincere, good things to be wrong. Yet I am not discourbegan to happen to me. My first expe- aged. I am not blue. I feel no bitterrience in overcoming fear was three ness toward these people who have weeks later when I applied for a posi- tried to obstruct the progress of the tion with a national organization. business, and somehow I feel because After numerous questions I was final- I have tried hard, played square, and ly asked why I left the company I had met situations, that something good been with six years. I replied that 1 will come from this whole experience. had been fired for being a drunk. The It may not come the way I want it, but manager was so flabbergasted and so I sincerely believe that it will come in completely astounded by the truth the way that is best. that he refused to believe me. I re- Anonymous

Apr i 1

were many beautiful things in life, he hadn’t had a drink in over three but no beauty. There were truths dis- years! He told me of other men who coverable about life, but no truth. bad found sobriety through the rec- There were people who were good, ~gnitionof some power beyond themkind, considerate, but no such thing selves. If I cared to I was to consider as goodness. 1 had read rather exten- myself invited to a gathering the fol- . sively, but when people began to talk lowing Tuesday where I would meet in such ultimates I was lost. I could other alcoholics who had stopped. find in life no eternal purpose nor With the knowledge I now have, it This is the ninth in an intermittent series of personal stories I anything that might be labeled “di- is hard for me to recall how screwy which first appeared at the back of the first and second vine guidance.” War, illness, cruelty, the whole thing sounded – the blind editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were stupidity, poverty, and greed were not leading the blind, a union of drunks, later dropped from the third edition. and could not be the product of any all banded together in some kind purposeful creation. The whole thing of spiritual belief! What could be By presentingthis story from the first edition, the Grapevine is simply didn’t make sense. more idiotic! But. . .these men were happy to offer newcomers a chance to meet – in print – About this I felt no deep emotion. I sober. Nuts! some of the Fellowship’s early members. had struggled with the problem dur- I returned to my despairing wife ing late adolescence, but had long with this incoherent story of a bunch since ceased to give it anxious thought. of drunks who had found a cure for ‘ Many people believe in a god of some their alcoholism through some kind sort and worship him in various ways. of spiritual exercise and who held Why go into the produce such results, but there wasn’t regular meetings where, as far as I drinking pattern That was excellent. 1 thought it nice anything. On the third day a man that so many people, poor misguided could figure out, they went through that is so much the came to talk with me. He was an alco- some kind of spiritual exercise! She same with all of souls, could find so simple a solution holic who had stopped! He talked to their problems. If this world proved was very nearly convinced that my us? Three times I about alcoholism and a spiritual way mental balance had now been comhad left the hospi- too hopelessly disillusioning they of life. I was deeply impressed by his could always seek comfort in a more pletely and probably permanently detal with hope that I was saying good- seriousness but nothing that he said stroyed. The only rational support I bye forever. And here 1 was again. pleasant existence promised in a made sense to me. He spoke about world to come, where wrongs would could find for giving it a try was that The first day there I told the kindly God, and a power greater than one- it was vouched for by the kindly docdoctor that I was a thoroughly hope- be righted and justice tempered with self. 1 remember being very careful tender mercy would prevail. But none tor whom she had met on several ocless case and would probably con- not to say anything that might shake casions at the hospital. That and the tinue t o return as long as I could beg, of that was for me. I had enough his faith in whatever it was he be- courage and intellectual honesty to fact that nothing else worked. borrow, or steal the money to get in. lieved! I was deeply grateful to him May I stop at this point and address On the second day he told me that he face life as I saw it without recourse for taking the trouble to talk with me, to a self-erected deity. a few sentences directly to agnostic or knew of something that would keep but what he had was not for me. I had me off liquor for life. I laughed at The next day another man visited atheistically inclined ‘alcoholics: You thought much about religion and had me. He, too, had been an alcoholic can’t take less stock in the references him. Yes, indeed, I would do any- come to rather definite conclusions. made to God in this book than I would thing or take anything that would and stopped drinking. He pointed out There was no God. The universe was that 1 had found myself unable to haveif this book had been available to an inexplicable phenomenon. In spite handle my liquor problem by myself. me at that time. To you those referof my sorry state and outlook, there He had been in the same position, yet ences have no meaning. They have

inspired at first, but my basic thinking was not altered that evening nor did I expect any profound change. I $11 that while the spiritual aspect of what these men had was not for me, I did believe strongly in the emphasic they put on the need to help n~hers.I felt that i f I could have the inspiration of rhete gatherings and if I could have an opportunity to try to help others that the two together would re-enforce my own willpower and thus be of tremendous assistance. But gradually, in a manner I cannot explain, I began to reexamine the beliefs I had thought beyond criticism. Almost imperceptibly my whole attitude toward life underwent a silent revolution. I lost many worries and simply used a name that people give delusions? Some such thinking must former alcoholic slaves who had been gained confidence. I found myself to a fond delusion. All your life, ex- have been going on in your mind as made free through the rediscovery of saying and thinking things that a cept possibly in early childhood, you have weighed these incredible a power for good, found through a short time ago I would have conwhen you conceived of an enormous experiences against your own ability spiritual attitude toward life. 1 know demned as platitudes! A belief in the figure with a flowing white beard to cope with a problem that is grad- that 1 have never before been so in- basic spirituality of life has grown somewhere beyond the clouds, it has ually destroying your personality. spired. It was not anything that hap- and with it belief in a supreme and meant nothing. You have now too Rest assured that such questions were pened. Because nothing happened. guiding power for good. much intelligence and honesty to in my mind. I could see no satisfac- Nor yet by anything that was said, but In the process of this change I can allow of such delusions. Even if you tory solution to any of them. But more by an atmosphere created by recognize two immensely significant could, you are too proud to affirm a I kept hard to the only thing that friendliness, sincerity, honesty, confi- steps for me. The first step I took belief, now that you are in desperate seemed to hold out any hope, and dence, and good cheer. I couldn’t be- when I admitted to myself for the trouble, that you denied when things gradually my difficulties were less- lieve that these men could have been first time that all my previous thinkwere rosy. Or, you might possibly ened. I have not given up my intellect drunks, and yet gradually I learned ing might be wrong. The second step persuade yourself to believe in some for the sake of my soul, nor have I their stories, alcoholic every one! came when I first consciously wished creative force, or algebraic “X,” but destroyed my integrity to preserve my That was, with me, the beginning to believe. As a result of this experiwhat earthly good would an “X” be health and sanity. All I had feared to of a new life. It would be difficult, if ence I am convinced that to seek is to in solving such a problem as you lose I have gained and all Ifeared to not impossible, for me to put into find, to ask is to be given. The day face? And even admitting, from your gain I have lost. words the change that has taken place never passes that 1 do not silently cry knowledge of psychology, it is pos- But to conclude my story: The fol- in me. I have since learned that with out in thankfulness, not merely for sible you might acquire such delu- lowing Tuesday, hardly daring to many members the change has been my release from alcohol, but even sions, how could you possibly believe hope and fearful of the worst, my wife almost instantaneous. This was not more for a change that has given life in them if you recognized them as and I attended our first gathering with the case with me. 1 was tremendously new meaning, dignity, and beauty.

June 1992

joined the Army fairly early in that war. ward to several drinks before dinner and Oddly enough, I drank very little then to some during the evening. I gradwhile in the service for the very good ually developed into a heavy drinker reason that every time I took a drink with the result that I didn’t feel so well something disagreeable happened to me. ih the mornings. My first drink was scotch undiluted. It I would like to make it clear at this put me temporarily out of business point that neither business pressure nor through strangulation. The second drink added responsibility had anything to do made me sick at my stomach. After the with my drinking. I had the capacity for third trial 1 went to sleep in the summer handling business without any fear of This is the tenth in an intermittent series of personal stories sun and was painfully sunburned. In criticism. 1 enjoyed the companionship which first appeared at the back of the first and second France I gave away my rum ration far of drinking friends, but I began to notice editions of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, but were more often than 1 drank it. that there was this difference between later dropped from the third edition. With the War half over 1 was sent us; they were still satisfied with’one or By presenting this story from the second edition, the Grapevine back to Canada for my discharge from two drinks, but alcohol was having a difwou~ldsand shock. During the period of ferent effect on me. My system seemed is happy to offer newcomers a chance to meet -in print – waiting for my final papers, along with to need more alcohol than theirs. In some of the Fellowship’s early members. friends, I spent a good deal of time in retrospect, my only conclusion is that at a neighboring speakeasy enjoying a few that time I was becoming more physicalsocial drinks. ly sensitive to and losing my tolerance Out of the Army, my drinking for alcohol. How was I to know thing from my mind. I would have bit- dropped away to a drink or two on very But obviously my illness was prothat I was an alco- terly resented any such suggestion. special occasions, two or three times a gressing because it wasn’t very long unholic? No one ever Besides, I thought that any alcoholic year. So it went for the next ten years, til I started experiencing blackouts. told me that I was was a misfit with a mental quirk of some no pattern, no problem. There were times when I would lose my or even hinted that I kind. It was my opinion that they were Toward the end of the twenties the car. At this distance it seems funny, but had passed the all introverts and on tests I had twice company by which 1 was employed went in those days it was a serious business. point of no return. been classified as an extrovert. through a merger. 1 was given a more re- With some serious drinking in ‘mind, I Some years ago my thinking was that Certainly I did not know that alcohol- sponsible position which entailed a great would take great care to park my car in alcoholics just did not live in my world. ism was an illness. Furthermore, I had deal of travelling from coast to coast. I some inconspicuous space, some dis- Yes, I had seen them on my infrequent no idea that it was a progressive illness. found that a few drinks with agreeable tance from where I intended to do this visits to the seamy side of town. I had I come from a family of five children I companions, in sleeping cars or hotels, drinking. After several hours, I would been panhandled by them in almost and I had a very happy childhood in a helped while away the time. Frankly, I return only to find that it wasn’t there. every city in Canada. In my estimation small Canadian town. Both my mother preferred the company of those who At least it wasn’t where I thought I had an alcoholic was a down-and-out, a and father were religious, without took a drink or two to those who did left it. Then I would start walking up . badly dressed bum who much preferred overemphasizing it. In due time, I went not. blocks one way and down blocks the drinking to working. through grade and high school and en- For the next few years I had a lot of other way until I would finally locate it, If I had been asked I would have said tered college as a little better than aver- fun with alcohol. I liked the taste of it; usually in an entirely different direction , that I did not even know an alcoholic. age student. I liked the effect of it. 1 conducted my- than where I was sure I had parked it. As for being one, it was the very farthest The First War had broken out before self properly and no harm came of it. On these occasions, I would always end ~rrlmrmmWmdMVYa(dSenlcqlrrc I got around to taking my first drink. I Without realizing it, I came to look for- up with a feeling of remorse not far re-

moved from a loathing of myself and the condition I was in. And, of course, I was always terribly afraid of being seen by someone who knew me. It wasn’t long until travelling even by train became a hazard. I could somehow manage to catch a train, but all too often it was not the train which I intended to catch. Sometimes it would be going in the wrong direction, and I would end up in a town or city where I had no intention of being and, therefore, had no business to transact. Having blackouts also meant that I couldn’t clearly remember all of what had transpired the night before, and then tives spoke to me about my drinking. This compulsion soon became part of being that was soluble in alcohol. 1 lied it was only a short step to not being able My wife and family asked me to control my make-up. about my drinking. I lied about everyto remember any of it. This became it, to pull myself together, to use my One Monday morning when the com- thing else-even things that didn’t matvery embarrassing to me. I began to will power, to drink like a gentleman. I pulsion was on me. 1 met an old drink- ter. 1 thought that everyone was watchavoid discussing the happenings of the made dozens of promises and at the time ing friend. Our meeting was generally ing me. night before. In fact, I no longer wanted of making them, I sincerely meant to the signal for a bender of some propor- The company for which I worked told to talk about my drinking. I took to keep every one. I became two different I tions. I always thought that he was the me politely but firmly that, unless I con- . drinking alone. people, one person when 1 was sober one who should watch his drinking trolled my drinking, we would have to Up to this point, my rise in the busi- and an entirely different one when 1 was habits-not me. On this particular part. I promised to do better and mend ness world had been steady. I had be- drinking. morning, he was clear-eyed and sober, my ways. 1 was drunk within the hour. come vice-president of the Canadian I discovered the morning drink and truly a minor miracle for Monday. He Two months later I appeared drunk at a end of a large company known the world soon it took two, three or four to looked well and he looked happy. He meeting and the next day I was on my I over. Now I found myself delaying mak- straighten me out. 1 had the shakes so said he felt fine and that he had stopped own. ing decisions, putting off appointments badly that shaving became a task that I drinking. I asked him whether he had I promptly went on the wagon, got because my eyes were bloodshot and I feared and dreaded because my hand got religion. He said no, but that he had another good position and stayed sober didn’t feel so well. It was difficult for me was so unsteady. I discovered that the joined AA. That was the fust time I had for a year. Although this new position to concentrate and even to follow closely shakes came only when I allowed the al- ever heard of such an organization. offered many opportunities, I did not a business conversation. coholic content of my system to drop too Since he couldn’t produce a drink, I take advantage of them. I’m sure that Time and time again I went on the low. All too often when I brought it up went on my way and forgot about it. this was because 1 found out that being wagon; I said I was through with drink, with some stiff jolts, I went into a black- From this time on, my drinking pro- on the wagon was the most miserable of and at the time actually meant what I out. Striking an even balance seemed gressed rapidly. My family life deterio- all existences. I was moody and irritasaid. The end result was always the beyond my power. rated. My friends no longer wanted to ble. My mind was never at rest. I imagsame. Sooner or later, I started in all I will never forget the first time I be- drink with me. Business trips always be- ined all sorts of things. I worried about over again and binges came closer and came conscious of that overpowering 1 came benders. One bender ended by the past and I could see no hope for the closer together. compulsion. No matter what hap- starting another. I discovered that the future. On occasions, I attended parties From time to time friends and rela- pened-I simply had to have a drink. conscience was the only part of a human where there was some drinking and I

not d o anything for me. My way of life end of my drinking had become a real was this newfound fellowship, but I am passed before me as on a screen. I saw hell to me, but this new fellowship of sure there is more to it than that alone. understanding people gave me new life Right from the start of my attending AA I discovered how I had slipped and how rapidly I was deteriorating. The cure of the bottle on and new strength. I now realize that an .meetings, I heard various speakers give that the con- which I had grown to depend no longer worked. I broke out in a cold sweat. I alcoholic cannot get along alone, any ,all credit to a Power greater than themmore than anyone else can. I, like a l l , .selves. One morningas I was walking science was the was without hope. 1 could not stop men, was a social being who desperately to work, from seemingly nowhere at all, needed fellowship and acceptance. there came a thought that there was a drinking. The ceiling came down. The only part of a walls pressed in. The floor came up. I These I found in AA where hands were possibility that I might never drink could think of no answer. There seemed reached out to me. I was not con- again. I have had no desire to drink human being that no way out. Was it too late? demned. On the contrary, I was greatly since that time. It was certainly nothing encouraged by these people who spoke that I myself could have done that was soluble in There just wasn’t any use of taking another drink; even that didn’t help. my language and, what was so impor- brought this newfound peace. There was only one answer. This Power greater alcohol. Then across my mind came the picture of my drinking friend whom I had met tant, offered me hope. When 1 became a member of AA, I than myself had, as to s o many others, three years before-clear-eyed and immediately went to the president of the restored me to sanity. good natured fun. I hated every minute sober. Then and there I decided to try company for which I worked and told Finally, let me say that I am sure that of it because I just could not join in with AA. I put the bottle away. him about it. His hearty handshake and I could not have in the past seven years, this fun. I sat morosely by myself, won- Next morning. I made my first con- unmistakable look of approval were all nor can I in the future,-enjoy my happy dering how soon the endless evening tact with AA. I was asked some ques- that passed between us. That was and contented sobriety unless I try to would be over. In short, I was just plain tions, one of which was, “Do you turn enough. I knew 1 was on my way up share it with others. Therefore, my earsorry for myself. After several evenings to lower companionship and inferior en- again-as long as I remembered to stay nest hope in relating my experience here like this. I did everything I could to vironment while drinking?’Ashamed, away from the first drink. is that it will help someone, anyone with avoid social engagements and felt more I felt as if they had been reading my As sober days passed into sober a drinking problem, but particularly that lonely than ever before. I had lost the art mail. This, and other questions, con- weeks, I was soon back in the confi- person who may still be hanging on to of being friendly. The people I had liked vinced me that here were people who dence of men who once again respected his job or business, or may still be holdbest irritated me most. understood my problem. my judgment in business. 1 no longer ing his home together. At the end of the year I fell off the One thing my AA friend said to me had any fear of interviews with fellow It has often occurred to me that, if I wagon, promising myself that I would that morning was, “Today could be the executives because my eyes were clear had been a baseball player atid had lost stop after just a drink or two. Within two most important day in your life.” It was and my hand was steady. My home life an arm, 1 would soon have reconciled weeks I was drinking harder than I ever and still is, for nothing but good has improved and today it is happier than myself to the fact that I could no longer , had before. The only way 1 knew to come to me through AA. ever before. play baseball. Similarly, with the great drive away remorse was to drink more After admitting and accepting the fact Certainly, I still have my ups and help of this Fellowship, I have reconand more. that I was powerless over alcohol, my downs in my new life without alcohol, ciled myself to the fact that I can no After nine months of mental suffering fust great feeling of relief was that I was but during my years in AA, I have been longer handle alcohol even to the extent and physical torture, I sat at home one no longer alone. I was in a Fellowship and am continually learning to accept of taking a single drink. night alone with a bottle beside me. I of people who had the same problem the things 1cannot change, being given AA has given me a happy and conhad been drinking hard all day, but no that I had; indeed, most of them had courage to change the things I can, and tented way of living, and I am very matter how much I drank the shakes did been very much worse off than I. the wisdom to know the difference. deeply grateful to the founders and early not even diminish. My mind was clear, Having enjoyed good companionship How has all this happened to me? I members of AA who plotted the course but the bottle on which I depended did for many years, my loneliness near the have already mentioned how important and who kept the faith.

June 1992

t

SomebodyB Got to Do It! everal home groups I attend have in- meetings. If you don’t pick up a drink creasingly common problems: get- and go to meetings you won’t get drunk. ting new people to do service and get- Very simple-for old-timers and newting old-timers to do service. comers alike. Service work helps break The newcomer says, “I can’t show up our long-standing pattern of not showing every week. I can’t make that kind of up for ourselves, for others, for life. commitment.” The old-timer says, “I’ve Service is also about humility. It helps done my share. Let the young ones pitch newcomers give up the grandiosity that in.” All of these AAs are missing a won- keeps us separate from our fellows. For derful opportunity to become healthier, old-timers, it helps fight the pride that happier human beings. None of these at- says, “I’ve arrived. I no longer need the titudes are new to 0s alcoholics. We all practice.” share common characteristics which For the newcomers, understanding make it not in the least surprising that service helps them realize that if someno one wants to do service. one doesn’t unlock the door. set up the As the “Twelve and Twelve” puts it, chairs, and make the coffee, there will alcoholics are known for being “child- be no meeting to keep any of us sober. ish, emotionally sensitive, and grandi- For the old-timers, service is a reminder ose.” Newcomers see no relationship be- that we must give it away in order to tween emptying ashtrays and getting keep it. sober. Many old-timers see no need to For all of us, service is many things. continue the smaller, humbler ways of It’s contact with people, it’s building a serving after they’re sober a while. new social life, it’s building self-esteem, Newcomer and old-timer alike, we al- it’s a newfound sense of responsibility coholics are often deeply mired in our that carries over into our daily lives. immature characteristics. We are in fact Bill W. and Doctor Bob were very deeply practiced in evading commit- aware of the necessity of service as a diment, responsibility, and fellowship. rect road to initial and continuous sobri- And it’s true that “A whole lifetime ety. It’s more than just a nice tradition geared to self-centeredness cannot be set to carry on. It’s a lifeline to our daily rein reverse all at once. Rebellion dogs our prieve from the bondage of alcoholism. every step at first.” Let’s all keep it intact for the next alco- So, doing service is practicing show- holic who needs it. ing up. If you do service, you go to Joan T., New York, N. E

June 1992.. tries throughout the world.Our numbers continue to grow.The AA program,especially theTwelveSteps and themeetingformat,hasbeencopied bymanyr What B ganizations and treatment centers. EarlyinmyrecoveryIheardit stated that attendingAA meetings would help You See insure sobriety,as well asbring thee alization of thePromises-knowing a newfreedom and a new happiness,and Isn’t Always intuitivelyknowinghow tohandle situations that formerly baffled us. What Sometimes it is the person I would least expect tobe helpfulwho helpsme the most at a meeting. This was made You Get clearrecently whenIvisited LasVegas, and attended a noonmeeting in a room in a prominent gambling casino (this alone isindicative of the acceptance of the AA movement!).Nicely dressed peoplefrom all overthe countrywere present,as well as some local Las Vegas people.A group of motorcyclists,complete with helmets,jackets,and boots, Deflecting on thirtyyears of sobriety, was alsoin attendanceTheseI promptly I thinkAA meetings arevital,conprejudged.But it turned out that the structive, and still a lot of fun. members of the motorcyclegroupgave It is intriguing to imagineBill W. and the most articulate,meaningful com- Dr.Bob,co-founders of AA,at their first ments at the meeting,including some fewmeetings,realizingwhat everyAA exact quotations from the Big Book. memberrealizes-that AA members One of them said somethingIfound esspeak a hidden language only to each peciallyinteresting andextremely other.What they didn’t realizewas that useful. they were embarking on a program that AA meetings are still vital!From the would go down in history as one of the personyouleastexpectit,youwillhear great discoveries of the century.They exactly what you need to hear.And had found a way to arrest alcoholism,a someone at an AAmeeting is waiting to malady present in mankind for thouhear exactly what you have to say, to sands ofyears.Recent statistics indicate pull him or her from the burning buildthere are over twomillion members of ing of alcoholism. AA in over one hundred and forty coun- Patrick M.,St.Louis,Mo.

June 1992

Where, o where? From Asheville, N.C.: I love it! Where are all the “oldtimers” they ask. Why is AA falling apart’? What about all the differences of opinion’? The old-timers are probably down at the local hospital visiting those of us who need a helping hand or a lift of

We (some of us) still make house calls, take the new “babies” out to meetings, introduce them to those who will help them. You’ll find “old-timers” at your local prisons and jails, carrying the message inside. Usually the same few, week after week. You’ll find “old-timers” on the telephone, checking in with a program friend not seen at meetings for a couple of days. If you value your sobriety, you’ll do something about it (besides complain). J. S.

f*’ August 1992

respect and dignity felt throughout the hall in that fellowship of alcoholics, reminiscent of the personal stories descjibed in our beloved Big Book. After two hours we were only at I9 years of sobriety, with many more left to speak. So a group conscience was taken: we all agreed that something wonderful was taking place and that we would continue the old-timers meeting on a quarterly basis, to pick up where we had left off. As the meeting came to a conclusion, the old-timers registration sheet was tabulated and we were able to announce that with seventy-five AAs signing in, we had elljoyed the experience, strength, and hope of over 744 years of continuous sobriety! It was truly a meeting that will be remembered and talked about for a long time uring a recent home group inven- and I could not find a parking spot. with the coffee demand was, “I can’t to come. tory, someone asked, “Where My initial thought was that a church believe this!” My home group is not alone in askhave all the old-timers gone?Xfter function was also going on. Then I The meeting went on, 1 was able to ing where the old-timers have gone. several possibilities were discussed, began to recognize many old faces I hear and enjoy the messages of old: The theme of the 1992 General someone suggested that we conduct an had grown to love over past years. I singleness of purpose, one alcoholic Service Conference is “A* Message old-timers meeting in place of one of felt the giddiness of a schcw)lboy going helping another, home group, the ex- in a Changing World.” Question #2 our regularly scheduled Sunday night off to summer camp, and the anticipa- periences of working the Steps, their of the Conference Workshop Quesmeetings. We all thought it was a great tion and excitement of recapturing own introduction to service work. tionnaire asks, “Why are so many oldidea, and each of us made a personal “the old days.” And, oh! those wonderful stories of timers leaving AA?” commitment to invite an old-timer or It became obvious to me that the how it used to be. The experience my home group two to that meeting. We selected the Gcxl of our understanding had worked It didn’t take long to become in- would like to pass on is this: Instead Sunday two weeks away. one more of his many miracles on that tensely aware that something signifi- of debating why so many old-timers Time passed unnoticed as we got day. Word of the meeting had spread cantly spiritual was taking place in are leaving, maybe our time would be our invitations out. We believed that if so widely that the large turnout forced that parish hall. I was seeing a glow better spent in taking more responsiwe attracted at least six to eight old- us to move to a much larger roonl to in old-timers’ eyes that had seemed to bility and letting the old-timers know timers we would have accomplished accommodate everyone. be missing for such a long time. New how much AA wants and needs them; quite a lot. Other members of my home group meaning and zest appeared in their and by creating and maintaining envi- The meeting day finally arrived. I appeared to be in a mixed state of messages. Relationships were being ronments and meetings that are attracpulled into the parking lot of the shock and awe. Our typical greeting to rekindled, some dormant over 40 tive to their recovery. church where we have our meetings, one another as we tried to keep up years! Most refreshing was the mutual Anonymous, Vancouver, Wush.

December 1992

w hile at a meeting the other day, I realized that of those present I had the longest period of continuous inquisitor of my sponsor and other old-timers. I read the Big Book, especially chapter five. I became active by setting up tables and chairs, cleanknown a few who went out to drink, ending their lives on a tragic note. A number of the old-timers I know are now working in the field of alsobriety. However, that recognition of seniority made me somewhat nervous. ing up after the meeting, and I made coholism. I did volunteer work in that After the meeting the question that coffee for a total of over ten years. I area and it was very rewarding and kept popping into my mind was, sure got to know a lot of people that not a little humbling. “What happened to the old-timers?” If 1 didn’t know any better, it would seem there might be an “AA wrinkle Making way. I also took on the offices of secretary, treasurer, program chairman, and delegate to the intergroup. I was However, there is another aspect of the program that occurred to me while thinking of the visibility of oldranch” where the old-timers went to a phone volunteer for three years, timers; and that was the unusually retire after so many years of sobriety. and, for my lifetime project, I became large number of young people in the Of course, I knew that wasn’t true enmeshed in the great ‘Ibelve Step program, and the abundance of new because I belong to a group that has program we have. groups. at least a dozen members who have Now, how come I found myself at As I see it, what has happened to more sobriety than I have, a few in a meeting with people who all had AA is what’s happened to our society; the thirty-five year range. fewer years of sobriety than I? And the population has increased one heck 1 knew that it was important for where did those legendary old-timers of a lot in the past twenty years. me to find some answers to the ques- go? Isn’t it a beautiful thing to consider, tion of the missing old-timers. so I I knew some who had retired and that the lives of so many people, so began to think about what would qual- a few who stopped going to meetings many families, are getting well and ify a member to be called an old- altogether (I’m grateful I didn’t join one day, with the help of our Higher timer. those ranks). Some just seemed to Power, these great masses of new When I first came into AA, people fade away, though unfortunately I’ve spirits will be old-timers just like me? in their forties and fifties with twenty been to quite a few wakes of old-tim- One day at a time. years or more of sobriety were looked Providence intervened I believe, ers who-died sober and, sadly, I’ve Bob C., South Shore, Mass. upon as old-timers. Then, I thought when one of my daughters came upabout how people get to be old- stairs, opened the door, and I couldn’t timers. I knew that a day at a time, go through with it. without a drink, like the grooves on Although I entered the meeting hall a record. sober time builds and begins dead in spirit, I immediately got hope I to race by. from the lively group of people I met. I remember the day I went to my Being brand new to the phenomenon first meeting. I was thirty-eight years of the program, I was tremendously old and I had a job. On the outside I impressed by people being sober for looked presentable, but I kept a quart a year, and those people with ten or of wine for insurance in the trunk of more years of sobriety were absolute my car. A couple of weeks earlier I’d legends – almost godlike to me. made a close to successful effort to I began my journey to longevity :

take my life with an M1 carbine, but by joining a group. I became a great

March 1993

Folks in the early stages of their cline to full-blown alcoholism. alcoholic problem can learn a lot from Another reason for the apparent ata few meetings, especially if they hap- trition of old-timers is that it’s pen to get to meetings with which more and more difficult for some of they have good vibes from the start. us to relate to the inceasingly younger One can, and many do, learn quickly body of members. Today’s young that lo and behold! People don’t have people are living in a world so far

w here have all the old-timers gone? That’s an ever more frequently asked question around Alto Alcoholics Anonymous at a younger age. fienty-one percent of our members are under thirty; fiftyto drink. Then they start noticing that outside of AA there are lots and lots of people who don’t drink at all. Hey, different from ours when we were young that there are chasms of differences in lifestyle, morality, values, coholics Anonymous these days. one percent are forty or under. From nondrinkers are not all that strange and what is and what is not acceptable Like many others, I have been aware the 1930s through the 1960s. most after all. behavior, that we feel like aliens. of the thinning out of old-timers at newcomers were low-bottom, rniddle- In addition, many people today go Sharing experience, strength, and meetings and have made a serious if aged drunks. Today, due to treatment through their most difficult and hope with those so far removed from unscientific study for several years. programs, interventions, traffic traumatic period in those first twenty- our experience isn’t always satisfying First, my vantage point: In calen- courts, and the decreasing social eight days in treatment. Consciously or therapeutic. And as the cultural dar terms, I am indeed an old-timer, stigma of alcoholism, most newcom- or unconsciously they regard their gap widens between the seventy-yearsixty-nine years old to be exact. I am ers are younger and have not slipped treatment center as the source of their old and the twenty-year-old alcoholicoften the oldest person at a meeting. all the way down the scale, as Bill sobriety. Though these centers style addict, fresh out of a treatment center, In terms of sobriety I am approaching W. referred to it. Put another way, if their programs around AA principles, we tend to share our experience, . what some call a middle-timer – nine some of us are sicker than others, have AA meetings brought in, and strength, and hope somewhat less in years. There are often many people there are some who are not as sick. pound into their patients the impor- discussion meetings, feeling that a at those meetings with more sobriety Consequently, being less “ill” they re- tance of going to AA meetings im- shaky newcomer is far more imthan I have, but not as many with cover quicker. mediately after they are released, pressed with a six-month-sober I twenty-plus years as there once were. It follows that if they can achieve their graduates may not develop a twenty-five-year-old than a seventy- I have often asked, and been pres- some degree of sobriety quicker, they prinzary loyalty toward AA as others year-old with an incomprehensible ent when others asked, for a show of can find new ways of living quicker. of us diQ;-Wfanyof these folks, there- thirty (or even nine!) years’ sobriety. hands as to sobriety. In every case, Their character defects, neuroses, forc’do not become long-term, ac- Further, I have observed a small except in very small meetings, sev- fears, anxieties, and all manner of tive, involved AAs. To them, AA is trend toward old-timers of both cateenty-five to eighty percent of those other personality problems do not be- a necessary, even pleasant, adjunct to gories (age and sobriety time) starting present had less than five years’ so- come as deeply etched in their charac- their sobriety, but not a lifeboat’as it their own meetings – a kind of Seniors briety. Only a very small percent had ter as is the case with us old goats wa$ to me and millions of others who for Sobriety, if you will. Although all ten or more years. who had more years to wallow in our didn’t go through centers. ages are welcome, the young tend to There is no doubt in my mind that denial and our bogus sense of self-suf- At a meeting recently, I heard a drift away when surrounded by snowmany alcoholics achieve a good qual- ficiency, more decades in thrall to the young man say that the following capped heads for a few weeks. I know ity sobriety in a few years and – start- bondage of self. Many can achieve week was to be his twenty-first birth- of one senior group which holds uning between the fifth and seventh year quicker restoration or even the birth day: “Then I’ll be old enough not to listed meetings in private homes, just – slowly drift away from going to as of good spiritual health quicker. I’ve drink!” For some, this new realization as AA did when it started. This group many meetings as they once did. I known many such younger people that not-drinking is an option can be does service work, ‘helfth Step think there are several reasons for who have done just that; after a year or enough to activate a change in attitude work, contributes to the central ofthis. First of all, people are getting two, their contact with AA is tenuous. and lifestyle that heads off further de- fice, and is a solid and grateful part

of Alcoholics Anonymous. Being that we will rotate out of service smaller and more intimate, they have duties in our home groups to make had unusually great success in help- way for the newcomers, to let them ing newcomers because of the closer benefit as we have from the therapeurelationship that develops in a more tic effects that service and commithomogeneous group. ment in AA bring. There is one significant new ingre- There are undoubtedly other forces dient that discourages some old- at work, but much of it boils down timers from attending meetings: pro- to the fact that the explosive growth fanity. We old-timers were raised in of AA in the past fifteen to twenty a different social milieu, wherein years has resulted in a marked tilt folks didn’t casually spout vulgarities toward a younger average age. We and profanities with every sentence. oldsters aren’t as conspicuous or as It makes us uncomfortable, and a lit- dominant as we once were. Yes, we tle sad, to hear such language. AAs do attend fewer meetings but many have every right to use any language of us stay active in H & I work, servthey choose, but it would be hoped ice, ‘Avelfth Step work, speaking, and that their consideration for the sen- writing. sibilities of others and a general sense Not all old-timers who stop going of decency would deter them from to meetings go back out and drink. abusing that right. More than a few Those who do, it seems, have also members have left groups when the severed all their contacts with AA or air became blue with noxious lan- let them simply atrophy, and then guage. forget where they came from. I for The diminished involvement of one have resolved to never drop old-timers in Alcoholics Anonymous below one meeting a week over the is quite a natural evolution, and pos- long run and keep at least one service sibly a healthy one, too, for the Fel- or livelfth Step commitment. lowship and for us. It’s to be expected Ernie K . , Indian Wells, Calif.

April 1993

to lead through the mature example I wonder how our founders would

Observations of the recovering membership. Am I wrong or are more and more topic meetings relegated to sex, review this gradual shift. It’s not easy being an old-timer and that title does not give me the right lationships, co-dependency, and the to become a “watchdog.” I truly belike? Now these are major issues for lieve this. On the other hand, I am most of us, but are the personal details so grateful to the years of traditional and war stories not best left to discus- AA for what they have given me that sions with our sponsors? The meet- I hate to see departures from that traings that got and kept me sober have dition. I don’t see AA as a finishing been the ones on the ‘helve Steps school, social club, or self-help orand the Big Book. I recognize the ganization. I view it as the conduit right of each group to operate in an through which my Higher Power talks Because the AA program helped me find a autonomous way with group con- to me and others about sobriety. science being the guideline, but again Paul C . , Prarie Village, Kans. Higher Power and a wise and loving sponsor, I’ve remained sober for over twenty years. That qualifies me as an old-timer, I’m believe that “wherever two or three told, but certainly not as an expert. I are gathered in My name, there I am think that those of us who have had also.” the benefit of the program for so many At some meetings I hear: “We years have an obligation to speak out threw away our ashtrays,” and strong from time to time – not as grouches, exhortations to “clean up the lanbut as extremely grateful persons who guage.” Now any of us restored to love AA. sanity know that smoking is unhealthy I am fortunate in being able to at- and annoying to the nonsmoker. Most tend meetings throughout our city and of us find gutter talk to be very offenin others as well. Occasionally while sive. On the other hand, I well rethere I observe things which disturb member that, as a newcomer, I could me and would like to hear your views focus only on my sobriety and change in upcoming issues of the Grapevine. one thing at a time. I reflect from It saddens me to find some groups time to time on the early meetings of dropping the “Our Father” from the our founders in various kitchens and format of meetings. Truly it was my halls. And I find myself wondering: Father who got me sober and con- what would Bill and Dr. Bob say tinues to strengthen me on a daily about this? “First things first”? basis. I appreciate the opportunity to My home group always offers the testify publicly to that and ask for option of a nonsmoking meeting in continued assistance. Borrowing another area of the hall and, while from the New Testament, I like to not sanctioning bad language, tends

I c February 1993 what we used to be like. . . or “drinking” were almost never heard. which our founders borrowed many And I have come to regard with pro- wonderful ideas, and I have nothing found suspicion anyone who says, against evangelicals. But that is not “What I want to talk about tonight is what I come to a meeting for. I come my recovery.” to help me stay sober. This has been going on a while The basements are – or used to be and, if nothing else, has reassured me – full of drunks of all denominations that age has not dimmed my power who in the past had sworn on bibles of many translations, often in the w hen I came into the program years ago, most meetings were open meetings with three speakers have kept me from picking up that first drink. In those long-ago days, the talks to fly into a splendid rage. In the last few weeks I have discovered a new twist in the ongoing determination not to tell war stories. presence of priests and ministers, that they would not drink again. As they are the first to relate, it didn’t work. and the talks were fairly structured: consisted of stories that were pretty My title for this phenomenon is “How Churches, with the best of inten- The alcoholic described how he picked much what an unappreciative sponsee I found God, got rid of my character tions, did not get us sober. Sober in up his first drink, how long and how of mine recently called “catalogues”: defects, and became a perfect per- AA, we are free to attend any church alcoholically he drank, and what fi- “And then I threw up and then I fell son.” Drinking or being drunk – if of our choice, or no church, and to nally brought him to AA. I say,”he” down and then I passed out and then referred to at all – is awarded a pro adhere to any doctrine. But the two because in those days in New York I got fired. . . .” forrna mention. There’s a born-again – AA and church – should not, in my City, the ratio of men to women was But then as now, I sat drinking them quality to such talks that makes me deeply-held opinion, get mixed up. about six to one. all in and they made a fine substitute exceedingly nervous. Once or twice Recently, at just such a testimonial- Today I often hear such talks refer- and cure for what I had drunk before I have wondered if by chance or sheer flavored meeting, I, a believer in a red to, apologetically, as “war stories.” for a quarter of a century. stupidity I have strayed into the Higher Power, found myself stamping “I won’t go into my war stories or It’s true that at that time I particu- wrong basement of the wrong church out at the meeting’s end a raving (if give you a drunkalog,” is a statement larly looked forward to hearing women where there is a meeting of, say, the temporary) atheist. I frequently hear now and I always speakers who, in addition to the former Oxford Group or a gathering Please let’s go back to telling war sigh with disappointment. I like war catalogues, described how they felt of testifying evangelicals. We in AA stories. stories. I love drunkalogs. I love them while all this was going on – some- owe much to the Oxford Group from Isabelle H., New York, N.Y. more than anything else – more than thing the men almost never did and Step meetings, analyses of the Steps, which I found enormously helpful. opinions about the Steps, the exquis- How things have changed! ite dissection of the speaker’s feel- In many, if not all, of the meetings ings, the even more exquisite dissec- in my area today there are more tion of the feelings of those who women than men and the focus is very “share” from the floor; I certainly love much on feelings. Once upon a time them more than the fashionable depth there was a saying heard often in psychology currently focussed on the meetings: Feelings are not facts. They dysfunctional family (which produced are now. And they receive all the defthe abuse in early childhood which is erence formerly accorded historic presumed to have caused his or her events, such as the fall of the Roman alcoholism). More than all of the Empire. I have sat through entire I above, drunkalogs and war stories meetings in which the words “drank” Some have lower bottoms than others. . .

July 1993 it. What 1 read made sense to me. At tion. I suppose I was called because about the same time, my wife told 1 worked for an ad agency and knew me that a drinking buddy of mine something about printing and publishcalled Billy had quit drinking. I ing. At that time more AA meetings couldn’t believe it, but it sounded were springing up in New Jersey, hopeful so 1 called Billy and went to Westchester County, Long Island, see him the same day. the Bronx and so forth, but there was Billy talked to me about AA all almost no contact between the various day and half the night but still let me groups. At the meeting we discussed have a few drinks (the last one after the need for a newspaper to describe midnight). The next day, Sunday, he AA activities everywhere in the New took me to my first meeting at the York metropolitan area. This newsold Tiventy-fourth Street Clubhouse paper was the AA Grapevine. Marty in New York. I didn’t know it then, and Priscilla had volunteered to probut a miracle had happened – I never duce the first issue; no doubt Many again had another drink. For the first had discussed this with Bill. I went several months my new friends picked to work right away on the business me up at the office every day and we end – circulation, finance, organizahad coffee instead of scotch. Since tion, personnel, etc. Chase H. and 24th Street was the only meeting in Tom Y. were active on its editorial part. Manhattan at that time, we often had As it turned out, I worked on the informal meetings in our homes. Grapevine in one way or another until About a month after my first meet- I retired and left New York in 1965. ‘ ing, I was given a name to call on – During those years I did anything that my first Tivelfth Step call. Requests needed doing at AA headquarters, inwere still coming in from Jack Alex- cluding serving on the Board of Trusander’s article in the Saturday Eve- tees when Bill asked me. ning Post the year before, so we had I am now eighty-six and no longer more requests for help than we had active. For years I had an active cormembers to fill them. For the next respondence with AA friends, but went to my first meeting on Sun- 1 day, January 24, 1943, a few weeks before my thirty-seventh birthmy wife and family of four wonderful small children, my house, and eventually, my life. \ few years we were kept very busy dbing Tivelfth Step work. The whole AA philosophy was new and exciting now there are only a few left. I still read the Grapevine from cover to cover every month and keep the Big day. I had been drinking more and I wanted to quit drinking more than to me, and I was so afraid of drinking Book at my side and try to live the more since high school. When I was anything in the world and was willing again I was willing and anxious to do Tivelfth Step every day – and practice in my early thirties I tried to stop to do anything to quit if I only knew anything and everything I was told. these principles in all my affairs. again and again, until I realized I was what to do. When, in the fall of 1942, After being in AA about a year, I Sometime during my first few in serious trouble. I redoubled my ef- a full page advertisement appeared in got a telephone call at my office ask- years in AA, I had a conversation forts to quit because I now knew what the New York Herald Tribune telling ing me to come to a meeting at Grace with Horace C. that turned out to be was happening to me. I knew if I kept about Alcoholics Anonymous, I sent O.’s apartment on Central Park South a turning point in my life. Horace on I would lose everything – my job, for the Big Book and started reading to discuss a possible new AA publica- was one of the trustees. He said when

you first come to AA you lean on reservation. To me, “belief’ is a weak your sponsor. After a while you lean word because now I don’t just beon your group. Then you transfer your lieve, f know. I know that God has dependence onto AA as a whole – to been looking out for me and guiding the AA philosophy, the AA way of me all my life. It is now a comfort life. Finally, if you want to stay sober to me daily to turn my will and my for the long pull, you make the final life over to the care of God as I undertransfer and lean on your Higher stand him. So now, I’m thankful to Power. be an alcoholic, not because there is Well, the more I thought about that any virtue in being an alcoholic but the more scared I became because I because it led me and my family into was an atheist. When I came into AA the AA way of life, which included I believed nothing, except that all re- a Higher Power. ligion was a lot of baloney. Being I’m grateful to many, many people told by a member of long sobriety who helped me lean on AA. I had that if I wanted to stay sober I had to many long conversations with Bill depend on God scared me because I and sometimes with Marty. She told wanted to never drink again: So I me once that “hurt feelings are a disstarted reading books – over the guised form of resentment” – and I years, hundreds of them – on relig- have used this knowledge hundreds ion, lives of the saints, and life of the of times since then. spirit. I started going to churches – During all these years my wife Kay any and all of them – and continued has been with me. She went to open to do so for many years. I was well meetings with me every week. Before treated everywhere I went. I slowly AA, she never once emptied bottles changed my mind about churchgoers down the sink. She even pleaded with – I found that most of them went to me to drink at home, if I were going church for the same reason we go to to drink. She inherently knew how to AA – to live better, to improve their treat an alcoholic, which made my lives. One day I remembered that late trip in AA so much easier. When our in 1942 when I had a terrible hang- kids were teenagers, we took them to over, I had said to myself, “I wish meetings, including some when I was that I believed in God, as others do, the speaker, so they would underso I could ask him to get me out of stand. None are alcoholics and all are the mess I’m in.” Only a few months leading successful, happy lives. after that 1 was in AA and when I Now as I approach fifty years of looked back on it, I thought maybe sobriety, I don’t feel at all proud, bethat really was a prayer and it had cause I had very little to do with it been answered. but I feel very pleased and happy with My belief in God grew slowly until my life. I did come to believe in God without Richard S., Kerrville, Ex.

August 1993

Come back old-timers1 From somewhere in the U.S .A.: the basics over and over and over After recently reading a story about again. old-timers (“An Unscientific Study,” Please, old-timers, spread some of March 1993 Grapevine), I felt com- that long-term sobriety around. I pelled to write about old-timers in our area. I had enjoyed the annual oldtimers meeting in the state where I sobered up, so I wanted to start one in my new state of residence. However, when I contacted as many old-timers as I could, I found that some no longer attended meetings and others had gone “underground.” They had set up their own meeting in a private home. It seems know I’m not alone in wanting you a few of them felt that the newcomers, back at meetings. A few of the oldmany of whom had come from treat- timers I see are so special to me. They ment, did not want to hear their ex- show me it works – and can work perience, strength, and hope. They for a long time. They don’t say much, had nothing in common, they said, but when they do, their words are like with these new people or with this tinkling silver bells – crisp, clear, and new “treatment” language. brand new. However, in the five years I’ve Hey, old-timers, I need your exlived here, I’ve never found one per- perience, strength, and hope. I don’t son who didn’t want to hear from the want to change the Big Book. I just old-timers. For me, the old-timers are need you to help me see that AA conjust as important as newcomers and tinues as it was meant to be by Bill relapsers to my sobriety. I need to W. and Dr. Bob. Please come back follow in their footsteps. I need to . . .for me. A NONYMOUS hear their stories. I need to hear AA history as they lived it. I need to hear

December 1993

can it be when these valuable older not to give in to the soul sickness that I’ve sometimes found that it’s members stop showing up, feeling these fevered fantasies produce. Yes, easier to figure out who’s not my boss

Who’s they are being “trashed” by the newer ones instead of being respected? Sonlehow, though, many of us have we are saddened by AA meetings in which psychobabble and other diversions such as wholesale parent-blaming and generational self-pity take the than to put my finger on who is. I know it’s not my checkbook, although it huffs and puffs a lot and tries to be very controlling. It’s not

the never thought of quitting. In fact, quite a few of us with long-term so- place of the real AA message. my family, although they take a lot briety have felt that whatever con- However, in the past couple of years of my time. It’s not my doctor, who tributions we are capable of making a number of old-timers have set up seems to be fond of putting limits on

Boss? could be more important now than brand-new groups whose stated ob- what I may or may not do. Nor is it ever. So, we’re here to stay. And to jectives are to adhere to AA’s single- my church. make clarity and simplicity and sin- ness of purpose. Our posture is not It’s not my mailman, my favorite gleness of purpose our objectives. to fight anyone or anything, even service station, the tax collector, my Oh yes, we know firsthand how dif- those who seem to abhor the very life insurance agent, my restaurant An old-timer speaks out ficult it is to listen to some of the idea of old-timers. We merely wish waiter, or the network newscaster about AA’s singleness current philosophies, especially those to observe the Steps, Traditions, and although each of these can spoil or of purpose that mandate that since all addictions Concepts. And to hope that others make my day. are the same, there should be no closed will follow on their own paths to ma- Is AA my boss? No, again! Witness meetings, that anonymity is now out- ture sobriety. the Twelve suggested Steps and Tradated, that AA should have multiple So, with AA undergoing changes ditions: they are not the ‘helve Comy heart goes out to those long- purposes, that AA is “evolving” into and with me approaching my thirty- mandments. M term AAs who have let some a world society of linked twelve-stepof the newer people coming into the pers who will march off to glory in fifth AA birthday, it seems important – vital perhaps – to determine who And so, as to who’s the boss, we’ve already got one – a Higher Power. program, fresh from the drying-out- the sunset. really is the boss in my sobriety, in Others need not apply. studios, become their boss. What else Indeed, it is difficult for old-timers my life. John R . , Sanru Barbara, Culif.

June 1994 Old-Timer’s Cornar kl Old=Timer’s faith. There was the bonus of self-re- vehement no. The recovery program of spect, of forgiving and liking oneself as Alcoholics Anonymous, with our Corner a whole person, in a whole family and a Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Serwhole community. vice, need not and should not ever Early on, I took the opportunity and change. But when we are in harmony joy to be found in service – from with our Higher Power, we have a spirwashing cups to greeting new members, ituality that we acknowledge as more from helping with beginners meetings important than rules and regulations. to being General Service Conference So we must understand the spirit of our delegate. Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, but I’m grateful that I’ve been able to not tremble at the letter of each. practice the principles As Bill W. once of AA in all my af- said to me, “We must Fifty Years fairs. My drinking prevented me from Early on, forge ahead with new and fresh ideas – alenjoying my children, ways respecting the of but I can enjoy my grandchildren and I took the Traditions, but never allowing ourselves to become enslaved by Gratitude great-grandchildren. In sobriety, I have been given the happiopportunity them.” A frequently recurring question remains: ness of a late marriage. 1 have known honors and joy Is AA going to last? and recognition as a The late Dr. E. M. sober citizen. These to be found Jellinek, a close friend

‘ I first learned about AA in Ohio in cedures: undergoing the aversion cure, August 1938. I had several relapses being locked up with mental patients, until my first day of lasting sobriety enduring iced sheets and other shock – Armistice Day, November 11, treatments, withstanding physical beat- 1944. This, therefore, is my golden ings in a jail bullpen and an Army are rewards beyond counting. I have seen change and growth not only in service. . . of Bill’s noted the in and his Grapevine of mine, article for publication AA Today that in my own life, but in Alcoholics Anonyanniversary year of sobriety. guardhouse. And I remember the an- the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anony- mous “has evolved a philosophy of life Yes, I’m very grateful for all that I’ve guish in thc bccs of loved ones whcn mous and the field of alcohol studies it- full of valid motivations, rich in highly learned and achieved in the Fellowship it seemed that their prayers for my reself, in which 1 have worked for four relevant pinciples and ethical values of Alcoholics Anonymous: recovery, covery had failed. decades. At the beginning, there were – a philosophy of life which can be sobriety, contentment, and the oppor- Then there was that glorious first few women members or young ~ e o p l e extended beyond the confines of the tunity to share all that I was so gener- nlemory of freedom, the rapture of not in AA. Today, anyone can experience alcoholic population. This feature of ously given. But I will always remember needing the crutch of alcohol – the recovery, regardless of sex, age, race, or AA suffices as a basis for a long – a those helpless and hopeless drinking especial joys of self-forgiveness, the re- very long – survival.” creed. times. I remember early treatment pro- generation of hope, and the rebirth of George S ., Canada Should AA change? My answer is a

August 1994 Old-Tlnner’a Corner B Old-Timer’s nally asked for help, I was not in good canceled all of his appointments for the shape. I managed to shave, with a dou- day. When he returned, he said, “I’ve Corner ble-edged razor, despite very shaky been waiting three years for you to call hands. Walking the two blocks to the me.” He drove me to the Twelve Step office, I was overcome with vertigo. To clubhouse that AA groups used in a keep from falling, I touched the sides rather run-down area in town. He took of the buildings I me into the “quiet passed. When I came room” where the to an intersection, I house rule said no one could be interpnicked. It had been a couple He told me he rupted except in case of weeks since 1 had of fire. been to my office, and cou/dn’t blame He told me about . Putting the I recall the shocked look on the stenograa woman for his drinking career and 1 had a difficult her’s face when she time identifying. He Plug saw me. For one thing, my face was very badly having a seemed to have been much worse than I. nicked from shaving. 1 I told him I in the Jug went to my telephone and immediately problem if she thought my wife had a drinking problem, called the AA member too. Despite my ani- I had met three years before. I asked him if lived with me mosity toward her, I still felt guilty saying he’d please meet me in this. He told me he

M y wife and I put the plug in the jug on June 29,1960 and neither of us has had a drink or a substitute since then. Our marriage, and my job, were in and go completely “blank.” I couldn’t concentrate, would sweat profusely, and had difficulty forming my words. I consulted a doctor who diagnosed my problem as “stress” and prescribed my office because I had to talk to him. He said, “Look, Bub, if you want to talk to me, come down to my office,” and hung up the phone. couldn’t blame a woman for having a problem if she lived with me for ten years. He said it with a smile on his face and that made it easshambles; we had six children and were tranquilizers to help me relax. I don’t Somehow, despite the dizziness, 1 was ier for me. deeply in debt. Now, as we look back, recall any warning about mixing these able to get back to my car, and I drove That evening, he brought a married we were very close to complete despair. pills with alcohol, and I was soon walk- to the man’s office. This took longer AA couple over to our house. The wife My company had demoted me three ing around in an insensible daze. than I had planned and he was just was frcm England, and she became my years before to a sales position, but as By now I couldn’t sleep at night. I’d leaving as I drove up. wife’s sponsor. Her husband had been our drinking progressed, I reached a finally do what I felt was the only logi- When he asked me if I was all right, introduced to AA at a very active AA stage where I could n o longer make cal thing – I’d drink myself to sleep. I lost it and started to sob like a baby. I group at the Indiana State Prison in sales calls. I actually thought I was 10s- I’d normally roll out of bed around ten can still feel the humiliation. He got Michigan City. We later met many ing my mind. I’d enter a person’s office o’clock in the morning. The day I fi- out of his car, went into his office, and other fine and sober graduates of that

prison program. sponsor insisted I start working my job head a division sales office in New My wife and I were college graduates “one day at a time.” At first, I must York. Six years later 1 changed compaand the other members soon started have sounded and acted like a babbling nies and we moved to Minnesota; and calling me a high bottom drunk. This idiot but gradually it started to become that company transferred us to New bothered me at first, but the feeling easier. Hampshire seventeen years ago. passed. I dreaded the day when I would find I retired two years ago but my com- We had a detox room in the Twelve it necessary to take a customer to pany still uses me, on a regular basis, as Step clubhouse because the local hos- lunch. What would he think if I didn’t a consultant. Our marriage couldn’t be pitals wouldn’t admit alcoholics. My order an alcoholic drink with him? But better. My wife and I celebrated our sponsor got me very involved in caring this turned out to be no problem at all. thirty-third AA anniversary this past for those we “treated” who were com- I was amazed how many customers June. ing off bad drunks. Very severe cases didn’t drink. If the waitress asked for a We start each day by reading that were admitted to the hospital if we drink order, I’d suggest the customer or- day’s passage in AA’s Daily Reflections could convince the doctor the victim der first. If he decided to have one, I before we start breakfast. We devour was suffering from a serious vitamin de- would act as if I were pondering the de- the Grapevine and enjoy discussing the We cannot publish what we ficiency. I recall watching, with awe, cision and then say something like, “I articles with each other. We still try to one of the old-timers administering think I’ll just have a diet cola today.” I make one to two meetings a week and warm ginger ale, heavily laced with don’t recall a single customer refusing continue to benefit from watching honey, to a suffering man who was go- to take his alcoholic drink because I newcomers progress in this wonderful ing into DTs. The man calmed down had declined one myself! way of life. almost immediately. Within eleven months, my sales ter- We are so very grateful. I was absolutely terrified at the ritory showed a dramatic imprwement Ed D., Menimack, N.H prospect of making sales calls; but my and I was promoted and transferred to

October 1994

nine years in AA -maybe I wasn’t an Meanwhile, the military police were in alcoholic after all. I was going 4,000 the habit of firing light shotgun pellets miles away from home, and if I drank to disperse wild dog packs from the again, nobody would know. This think- camp, and every so often the pellets ing went on for the duration of the sev- would spatter against the tin siding of enteen-hour flight, and by the time I our shed. Many a newcomer dodged for landed in the Gaza Strip, I could al- cover under our linen-covered tables. most taste the alcohol. Fortunately for The meetings provided not only some, when the door of briety but strongthe aircraft opened af- lessons in tolerance ter my long flight, SO/ like soldier’ and compassion. there were two alco- Some of our members holicswaitingforme. everywhere, we were not exactly ‘Is That Charlie and Lynn, although drinking at pleased about being ordered to attend AA the time, had been in- AAs had to meetings and needed structed by the com- a lot of encouragemanding officer in ment. Not everyine Egypt to organize an learn to staved soher, but by Again. 91 AA group at Camp Rafah. The officer, On each other the. time I left, we had twenty-eight faced with a serious members. drinking problem We had a lot of among the personnel, to survive help and support had written a padre from others. The hen I was a young soldier in an army commanding officer on July

W back in Ontario for AA literature, and group was encouraged by the comthe Canadian Armed 15, 1956 and have been sober ever the padre had sent, along with the lit- manding officers, and we were often Forces during World War 11, since. erature, the names of two known alco- visited by both Catholic and Protestant I had no problem with alcohol. But in AA helped correct my bad habits, holics in Egypt. These were Charlie padres, which added to our spiritual the postwar years my drinking pro- and with nine years’ sobriety I was and Lynn, who now informed me I was well-being. The General Service Office gressed. I had stayed in the army and I ~ostedto Camp Rafah, in Egypt, for a the fourth member of their little AA in New York sent us tapes and materisoon began to be disciplined for my one-year tour of duty with the United group. als, and the tapes were not only used conduct while under the influence. Nations. 1 expected to be a “Loner” Our meeting place was an old camel privately but were a good source of top- The military told me I was a “sloppy” over there so I took a lot of AA litera- shed that had originally been used by ics during the meetings. New York also drinker, which I now understand to ture with me. But somehow on the air- the British Army during the First provided us with contacts who were mean I was sloppy in dress, sloppy plane, my sober thinking began to World War. Charlie and Lynn had Loners in the Middle East, and we were with time, sloppy with other people’s evaporate. The slogan “Just for Today” cleaned it up and supplied it with white able to reach a few of them. money. Eventually they called me an completely left me and was replaced by linen tablecloths and china cups and Today, there are numerous meetings alcoholic. I was introduced to AA by the thought that maybe I had wasted saucers. This made for quite a contrast! and conferences here at home.That

Old-TImers Corner B wasn’t the case with the Middlc East in archery club supplied a bow and arrow. the mid-sixties. Furthermore, alcohol Headed by Al, we proceeded to Irvine’s was readily available to any guest in a room, where he was sleeping off a hotel. When you called room service drunk. It took a while but eventually for a soft drink, a complete rolling bar we managed to wake him. Irvine would be delivered to your room. Look opened his eyes to see A1 in complete out! So, like soldiers everywhere, we fighting regalia, pointing a fully ex- AAs learned to depend on each other tended bow and arrow at his chest and to survive. When we toured the Holy saying, “Are you ever going to drink Land and the Old World, we always again!” Irvine celebrated twenty-five traveled in pairs and returned to the years of sobriety in December 1991, so safety of camp if there was the slightest I guess he got the message. temptation to drink. Irvine went on to work as a coun- No history of those times would be selor with alcoholics, first with with our complete without the story of Irvine’s Armed Forces in Europe and later as a arrival in AA. Some of the command- civilian. We remain good friends to ing officers had the impression that if this day. you instructed a person with an alco- The e.xperiences of that year in the hol problem to go to AA that was the Middle East are of the sort that only end of it, AA would take care of the happen once in a lifetime, and I’m problem. That didn’t work with Irvine. grateful to have been a part of it. To- He attended meetings but had little day life goes on for me in the AA prosuccess in staying sober. His CO even- gram. I’m glad to say that Irene, my tually called us AAs into his office and wife of forty-nine years, my five sons, gave us one last chance to sober Irvine four daughters-in-law, and seventeen up before he was shipped back to grandchildren all still tolerate me. Canada and discharged from the When Irene and I were first married, Armed Forces. she’d give me a peck on the cheek We all liked Irvine, for he was a lik- when I left for work in the morning, able fellow even when drinking. A vet- call me “Lovey,” and wish me a good eran of World War 11, he had a wife as day. When my drinking became a mawell as two children who were prepar- jor problem, “Have a good day” ing to enter university. A discharge changed to “I hope you drop dead.” would have been a disaster, so we held Now when I leave home, Irene says: a special meeting and decided that ex- “Have you got your teeth, your hearing treme action was necessary. aid, and your glasses?Did you take your Our plan depended on Al, our Na- pills today?”And when I return home, tive American member, to dress up as her first words are, “Is that you again!” a fierce warrior. A member of the Pat B., Oakville, Ontario

November Old-Timers Corner , M in San Francisco who was a manufac- make an amends to this man. I thought turer’s representative. I had got him all he was nuts, but he was sober and he excited about selling a lot of razor offered to buy me dinner if I would do blades in Mexico because I knew a guy the Eighth and Ninth Steps. 1 was eatin Mexico City who would buy them ing day-old doughnuts and drinking and I knew a manufacturer in Con- coffee at the AA club at the time, and necticut who would make them. 1 I would have done anything for some ‘ made some phone calls and arranged food. I went to see this man, and I for these folks to meet with me in San wiped the sweat off my face and hands Francisco. Then I got and went in and told drunk and didn’t him in a few thoumake the meeting. sand words that I’d Now after I got sober -and I’d been Whi/e / still gotten .drunk – – and was

sorrv I had caused Searching sober five days- and didn’t have one red cent, I thought of this do not go him so much trouble and expense. I said I was i n Alcoholics for a Higher guy in San Francisco. I was going to go up to ChUrCh,/ Anonymous now and that part of my job and see him and was to make amends pound on his desk and believe in a for my misdeeds, and call him a few choice that I sure owed him words and tell him an apology at the that he owed me Power greater least and that I also some money, and un- owed an apology to than myself T he first time I heard about the who is reputed to have said, “We are all less he paid m e then the fellow in Mexico Eleventh Step was also the first ignorant, only about different things.” and there, I was going Citv and the one in time I heard Eddy E speak. He He suggested that I look up a few peo- to tell the District At- Connecticut. was sold on the Eleventh Step. He ple on the program who were wiser torney and the War His only comment said it worked every time, but I knew than I and ask them what I should do. Production Board of some of his sins was to ask me how I was doing, and better. I knew there was no God. The I got a lot of silly answers -among and get him into all kinds of trouble. when I answered that I didn’t have one only problem was that Eddy was sober, which were to shave the left side of my The only trouble was, 1 didn’t have the cent, he gave me a check. And that is and I was not! face first if I had been shaving the right nerve to do it. So I asked an older, wis- how I lived the first few months in I knew a priest slightly (he was in first. I was to do everything differently er member (he’d been in Alcoholics AA. AA) and so I asked him about this from what I’d done before, since what Anonymous almost a year) what I Following that visit, I had to see the Power greater than myself. He said that I’d been doing had brought me to should do. I was sure that he’d tell me judge. I was going to make some harea car was a power greater than myself, where I was. to go see the man and tell him off and brained excuse, like it was all my and that the group was a power greater During the war, there was still steel then I’d be scared not to do it. wife’s fault that I got drunk and had . than myself, and so was Will Rogers, rationing going on, and I knew a guy Instead, he told me that I ought to five drunk-driving charges and sever-

Bi Old-Timers Corner

a1 charges for getting falling-down over forty-six years now and it’s still drunk in inappropriate places and giv- working. ing the bail-bond broker a bum check I had ;I lot of trouble with the cops to get out. In addition, I hadn’t and this judge from then on – when shown up for my trial. I had troubles. they didn’t know what to do with a I asked an older, wiser man what I drunk, they gave him or her to me. I should do. He offered to go with me didn’t keep very many people sober, but and tell the judge all about AA. (It it sure kept me sober. Anyway, it’s was 1946 and very few people had made a believer out of me, and while 1 heard of AA.) S o he did. I told the still do not go to church, I believe in a , judge I was guilty, and the judge gave power greater than myself and for lack me six months to see if the A A pro- of a better word I call him God. gram would work for me. It’s been Jim W., Santa Rosa, Calif.

November 1994

0 Id Jim died the other week. His death was the end of an era – the passing of another grand old-timer. His memory will live on as long as all those whose lives he call me back.” If he heard “Yeah, but, you don’t understand” or “This is different,” he would hang up or leave the room. In his view, we weren’t listening. He spent hours telling us of his early touched are still around. days in Dr. Bob’s home, of meetings at Jim was never a guru or a bleeding Henrietta Seiberling’s house, of hospideacon. He never tried to dominate a tal calls picking up drunks, and of the group or meeting, never became a early confusion of AA. He spoke of Fa- GSR. He was happiest being of service ther Ed Dowling and sometimes of Dr. as secretary, taking panels to hospitals Sam Shoemaker and of the spiritual and prisons, picking up wet drunks, and ideas they gave us. He spoke of the four sitting up for days with someone who absolutes and the four paradoxes from was in pain or just drying out. the Oxford Group. But most of all he I have no idea of how many people spoke of love and the arch we would shook it out at his home, lived there pass through. He would tell us that when needed, or were fed at his table. there were three pillars that were our There was always room and food and foundation: medicine, the church, and plenty of love and recovery to go the most important, our service work. around. I remember his soft smile and He lived his talk – a humble servant gentle voice. His manner ranged from and elder statesman, in every sense. He tough love to tender care. When was in service as the coffee maker for called, he would listen and then say, his group right to the end. “The answer is in the book. Find it and Michael A., Tijeras, N .M.

March 1995 Old-Tlmors Cormor

together. I think it’s partly relief that with you. I learn that to be human is to Old-Timers allows us to laugh, and partly trust – be a creature, that creatures have a the laughter comes from knowing Creator; I learn that to be human is to Corner someone else really understands what discover the power in powerlessness, to madness there is in alcoholism. I think explore the meaning in surrender; I also we laugh because we’re glad to be learn to face myself without fear, even alive among a crowd of others equally with pleasure; I learn to hand over my glad to be alive. This is laughter from failings and my successes, to be confesheaven. sional and vulnera- I also come to AA ble, to live in the day, for the shock of self- for the day’s failings recognition. When I / learn and successes are hear vour stories. I see enoueh” for human myself. When 1 can beings. I learn to see myself, I know t o walk the (jeepen my relation- Meetings, that I need to be healed, restored, built of /ife shii with God, and to carry the message to up and lifted up. I Meetings, and come for the antidote to my own peculiar together other alcoholics. And I come for friendship and affec- ‘

More Meetings brand of arrogance, egotism, and pride. This antidote isn’t a with you tion – not only the friendly and affectionate feelings of vaccine but a medi- others toward me alcine I require in order though 1. treasure

I have been sober for twenty-five going. We are the avenue for each oth- to survive these poi- them, but for the inyears. In the peculiar math of Al- er to experience emotions that other- sons that live inside spiration you give me coholics Anonymous, 25 times 365 wise we might keep at a safe distance. me. Meetings are where I get this med- to feel friendly and affectionate toward equals one. We all share the comrade- I’ve also had the privilege of seeing my icine. And you encourage me. I am you. This is harder for me: to invest ship of having been sober this one day, children grow up into great human be- made brave – that’s what “encourage” myself in others. which is the only day we really have. ings who love me, and their birthing of means, after all -so that I can risk lit- It’s a characteristic of all humans, But as a friend reminded me a few grandchildren who also love me. tlc experiments at being better. not just drunks, either to be on their days ago, “Yeah it’s one day at a time Why do I keep coming to AA after In other words, 1 come to learn how way toward the best that is in them or – in a row!” all these years? One reason is that 1 to be human. The Twelve Steps are a the worst. There’s no such thing as Sobriety has brought with it count- laugh here more than anyplace else I lifelong schooling in what it means to standing still. I’m either getting better less blessings, all of them in the form of go. This laughter is hard to explain, be human. Not for nothing are they or I’m getting worse. I can’t content people. First there is the continuing re- isn’t it? We tell each other stories of called steps: in small increments of im- myself with indulging a little bit of badlationship with Lynn, my wife of thir- tragedy and see in our own stories the provement that add up over the years, I ness, because it will progress. 1 will bety years. Thirty years married and still absurdity of our actions, and we laugh learn to walk the walk of life together come a bit more bad as 1 age, and a bit

M Old-Timers Corner

more, and more, until by the time I’m tinue to come to meetings: old 1 will have become all of what I I come for sobriety. only indulged in at forty, but relished 1 come to keep up my gratitude and at fifty, and was consumed by at sixty. subdue my taking-for-granted-tude. Allowing myself to love you, admitting I come because this is where 1 laugh to myself that I would miss you if you more than anywhere else. should die – these are ways of contin- I come for the shock of self-recogniuing my growth without which some- tion. thing much worse than death happens I come for the antidote to pride. to me: I become that which 1 loathe I come to learn how to be human. within me. A little liar become T h e I come to learn how to love. Liar. A little thief becomes The Thief. What keeps me coming to meetings A little sadist becomes the Marquis. A after twenty-five years is certainly nelittle whiner becomes The Total Self- cessity, but necessity never did any- Pitier. You protect me from my wicked thing for me as a motivating force. It self and lift up the image of my good was pleasure that has always motivatself for me to keep striving after. For ed me, and that is still the bottom line: this, I am indebted to you. For this, I I come for the pleasure of it, the pure love you, and I will miss you if you die. pleasure. So, in summation, this is why 1 con- Anonymous, Irasburg, Vermont

No Time for Recovery

S itting in the peaceful embrace of an A A meeting, aggravation can sometimes set in when the speaker gives hardly any time to sharing about recovery. Such was the case last evening at our Step meeting. After reading the Step under discussion, we were skillfully entertained by our leader with dramatic drinking episodes made comic through amusing anecdotes and ironic asides. However, most everyone was so delighted by the charm of the speaker that almost no one seemed to notice what Step we were on. Sure, it’s great to be entertained, but I feel it’s our greater responsibility to put forth the effort required to articulate the often undramatic and seldom funny instances through which the program has wrought real change in our lives. Boyce B., New York, N.Y.

April 1995 Old-Timers Corner kt! Old-Timers vent my anger. “Where I come from,” suggested. They aren’t rules. And Bill I said, “we don’t put people out of himself warns us against becoming so meetings. The Big Book says I have to rigid in the conduct of our AA affairs Corner admit to myself, not to you, that 1 am that we lose the ability to grow with powerless. No human authority has any the society we purport to reflect. To my right to say who can or can’t come to surprise, I found this variety of opinion an AA meeting.” reassuring. I wasn’t clear why, but I just The sharing was very diverse. There felt better after the meeting. AA was were many who agreed with me: no alive and well out West. one should be put But my serenity out of a meeting ex- was short-lived. cept in rare in- Soon after this, at stances. But others When I start another closed dispointed out the im- cussion, there was

The Right portance of having closed meetings. Some people have t o become a man there for his first meeting on his first day but of occupations that would be jeoparcritical of prison. His wife was there to supdized if they were port him. When known by outsiders AA . . . I have the chairperson to be AA members. asked if she was an Others had family alcoholic and she and legal difficulties to check my explained the situthat put constraints ation, ,she was on the amount of motives asked to leave. Be-

A fter moving out West, I at- another being held nearby. tended a beginners meeting Even though I was new to the area, I one afternoon. A man stood voiced my chagrin. Older members lisat the door greeting people this way: tened but didn’t seem too concerned. “Are you new? Do you have a desire They knew of the gentleman in quespublic anonymity they could afford. In fact, anonymity is the right of everyone who comes to cause the husband was new and didn’t know if he was an alcoholic, he was asked to leave as to stop drinking?” If the individual tion and were aware of his self-ap- our Fellowship; it’s the new member’s well. 1 felt my ears bum. “If they go, I’m ‘ didn’t admit to having such a desire, pointed function as greeterlscreener.To guarantee of the right to privacy. going too,” I announced. Right or he or she was invited to leave and go my surprise, they invited me to chair Further, it was pointed out that each wrong, I had completely forgotten the to another meeting. I was furious. their discussion meeting. The topic I group is autonomous. So long as it has warning Bill gives about people who go Where I got sober, no one was ever selected was Tradition Three: the only no other affiliation, it has the right to to another area and try to tell it how to asked to leave an AA meeting unless requirement for AA membership is a conduct its affairs as it sees fit. run its AA. they were causing a disturbance. In desire to stop drinking. Finally, some AAs noted, the Tradi- There were other things about that disgust I left this meeting and went to It gave me a perfect opportunity to tions, like the Twelve Steps, are only area that I thought were off-base. ,

Young people were hardly ever seen at Maybe I was right, but the upshot ease. I have sometimes felt that I didn’t regular meetings. When I asked why was that now, increasingly, I found my- become capable of much real harm unthis was so, I was told, “They have their self sitting in the back of the room. For til after 1 got sober. own meeting.” Or, “They aren’t serious me, a warning sign that I have left the Fortunately, before leaving the West, about AA.”Or, “They go to NA.” All path is often isolation: I start sitting on 1 had a chance to help start a young disparaging remarks. Even the few the sidelines, I refuse to volunteer or peoples group there. I also started to sit young people 1 met were negative put my hand out, I start taking inven- at the table and share. 1 let people about other young people. This atti- tories. I became more and more criti- know where I’d been all the while AA tude seemed strange to me. Where I cal and resentful. When my isolation was going on without me. got sober, young people were very was nearly total, my discomfort reached Of course, the Traditions are impormuch a part of the AA scene. They an intolerable level, and I saw I would tant, and it’s up to every one of us to be brought an energizing perspective to have to do something or stop going to aware of them and contribute to an ingroup and service activities. I missed meetings altogether. formed group conscience. But when I this in my new home out West. At this point 1 had to apply Step start to become critical of AA for any Then, too, the chairperson at a Ten. I always promptly admit when I’m reason, 1 have to check my motives. Is meeting would frequently ask questions wrong – eventually. Now self-exami- my interest in the common welfare or of a newcomer that seemed personal nation and a searching inventory gave in grabbing more attention for myself? and inappropriate. “How long have you me some objectivity and perspective. Do I really want to make a contribubeen sober?””Are you here for yourself Once again, I realized, my old self- tion – or just complain so 1 can take or for someone else!” I felt these ques- righteous ego had reasserted itself. the focus off myself? tions made new people feel uncomfort- While I thought I’d been coming to I think Bill knew that the pinciples able and self-conscious. the rescue of helpless new people, what had to be put in the form of suggestions It seemed that certain personalities I was really doing was just meeting because he knew there were just too took a very high-handed and propri- these “AA bullies” at their own level. many people like me who might take etary approach with people who were It was bossiness and big-shotism on the advantage of rules and regulations to new and vulnerable. 1 became increas- rampage all around. And the new peo- try to exert control over others. And ingly agitated with what looked like ple were not the only losers. I saw my- that’s something that would be toxic to AA bullying. So much so that at one self as a kind of spiritual Robin Hood, the spiritual entity which every AA meeting I challenged a woman who robbing from the cocky and giving to group is, and bad for the individual as had been grilling a new person with a the cowed – and all the time getting well. The right to be wrong is guaranlot of questions I felt were none of her a smug, superior rush out of the Jelu- teed not just in any one Tradition, but business. Who did she think she was, sion that I was helping new people. I in the fact that our whole program is doing a kind of sobriety intake at a had found another way to be first suggested. This is the best guarantee meeting with everyone looking on? among equals. I would rather be right that no human authority will ever be- When 1 got done she asked, “May I ask than well any day. come preeminent in the affairs of an how long you have been sober!” I was The Traditions are suggested, 1 AA group and so will never pose a real delighted to be able to tell her, “Twen- think, because Bill knew that with our threat either to himself or to the future ty-three years.” That really shut her up. cunning, baffling egos we could even of AA. I was in my glory. use these principles to practice our dis- Jim N. , West Springfield, Mass.

May 1995

very limited and rotation means that have any problems. One lady I know our individual service work is also lim- was having a particular problem during ited. Where do we go from there? her eighth year of sobriety. More than I’ve come to believe that the reason once at discussion meetings she tried to many of our members just stop coming bring up her problem, but was told that to meetings after a few she shouldn’t be havyears of sobriety is ing such problems, or that they’re bored from not being given Several o f at least should know how to handle them. the opportunity to Later this same grow past the newcomer level. And in US.. . had lady came up with the idea of having a many instances closed discussion they’re actually treat- needs that meeting prim:~rilyfor ed as if they were sec- the older (in length of ond-class citizens. It has happened to weren’t sobriety) members. In discussing the idea, me and I have seen several of us found countless times what being met thilt we all had needs happens when an old- that weren’t being er member brings met by our regular someone new: all the by our groups. There was people with three nothing secretive months to two or regular groups about it; there were

A s more and more people recover through the A A program, there should be significantly more people with longer lengths of sobriety. But as 1 look into my befuddled brain, and I grew in sobriety and serenity. As 1 became able to help others, 1 felt good about sharing what I’d learned with those who were newer than 1 was. three years sobriety will take over the newcomer and leave the older member who brought him sitting on the sidelines. It’s normal that just things that for whatever re., ~ :w nwe couldn’t bring up at regular meetings. Sex, for instance, is a subject that will either c;luse people to around the meetings, 1 see fewer and The very nature of our program dic- the new member will relate better to clam up or make jokes iibout it, even fewer people with long-term sobriety. tates that we spend the majority of our the newer members of the group, but though the Big Book devotes several Most people have under five years. meeting time on the newcomer. That’s that leaves the older members trying to pages to the subject. Some other “un- When I first came to AA, I needed as it should be, but what happens figure out new ways to carry the mes- mentionable” thoughts included not all the discussion meetings I could get when we have learned the primary sage to those that are still suffering. wanting to go to so many meetings, not about the Big Book, the Steps, the lessons?What happens when we want Some get tired of looking! wanting to chair meetings, not wanting Traditions, living sober, prayer and to progress and grow past the new- When the older member is not be- to go on Twelfth Step calls, and being meditation, and all the other topics comer stage? For some the answer is ing treated as a second-class citizen he bored at speaker meetings. that we use to help the newcomer. service work at the district and area is sometimes treated as a guru who We wanted to talk about prayer and T h e repetition of those topics sank level, but the number of those jobs is should know everything and never meditation, God, AA, and religion.

Old-Timers Corner

We wanted to talk about many subjects We’ve found that we didn’t have to from AA Comes of Age, and we want- worry about being overwhelmed by the ed to talk about the fact that AA isn’t newer members. The word soon got perfect, that there are bad AA meet- out about “those stuck-up blanketyings and bad AA members (not dis- blanks at the Courthouse,” and so the cussed by name). There turned out to visitors that we have are mostly people , be many other topics that for various with two or more years sobriety who reasons we hadn’t felt comfortable are honestly looking for a meeting bringing up with newcomers around. where they can progress and grow be- I One of the first decisions we made yond the first stages, of recovery. about our meeting Our memberfor “Old-Timers ship has grown n Onl y was that we with older memwouldn’t limit it to bers who don’t old-timers only. As want to drop away long as they were as well as with alcoholic, anyone some visitors with could come to the two and three meeting. We also years sobriety. decided that as Only one of our group members we original members wouldn’t bring has stopped going new people to the to meetings altomeeting (there are nether, a i d he other meetings in the area on the same says that’s because hue is tired of hearnight) and that only a group member ing the same things over and over. I would serve as chairperson. wonder how many other groups can For our meeting format, we decided say that only one of their members has on what some people call a “barefoot stopped coming to meetings. meeting.” At the beginning of the By the way, if I sound a little proud meeting we each give our first name of our meeting, it’s because I am! I’m and declare ourselves to be alcoholic. not saying that what we’ve found is the Then we don’t repeat this every time answer for everyone, but it is one anwe speak, as though no one had heard swer. The point is that if the AA meetus the first time. Our discussion is just ings you’re going to aren’t satisfying that – we talk back and forth, inter- your needs, don’t quit going to meetrupting and disagreeing (generally with ings – change the meetings or start a courtesy), and always having a free.ex- new one. change of information. D. G., Radcliff, Ky.

June 1995 Old-Timers Corner lid haven’t worked so hard since. My hus- mous that has a bead on this drinking band belonged to three golf courses, I thing. I’ll call them and see what they belonged to three bars, and I never let do.” Then Katharine told me that her his golf interfere with my drinking. I husband’s best friend was an AA memhad terrible hangovers but I’d take care ber, and she asked me if I’d like to see of them with the hair of the dog that him. I said yes just to get her out of the bit me. I kept a stash of booze in a room. roasting pan in the kitchen. 1 made I don’t know how it happened, but I sure I always had a backup. didn’t finish that bottle, and somehow 1 couldn’t stop drinking and I knew I got up, got dressed, and waited for Mr. it; 1 also knew that I’d drink for the rest AA. He didn’t show then and he of my life. I loved to didn’t show the next ‘

drink. I only felt nor- day. O n the third A Lifetime ma1 when I drank; when I wasn’t drink- I couldn’t day, I called my sister and said, “Where is ing, I felt very, very this genius who’s goweird. When I came ing to stop my drinkinto AA, they asked stop ing!” She said, “He me if I took a morning and his fellow mem- Sobriety drink. “NO,”I said, “1 don’t get up in the drinking bers are discussing whether or not you morning. But I take qualify for AA.” I a drink as soon as I and 1 had a short fuse, and get up.” I was incensed that

M y first real contact with Alcoholics Anonymous was made in Yonkers, New York, where I grew up. I had an asthmatic sister in the hospital; she told me that in my life and was confronted with raising eight kids – I’d start!” She began to laugh, and she laughed so hard she coughed up all the congestion, and her lungs cleared up, and she left My sister Katharine tried everything to get me sober. One dav she came to my house with knew i t

a chocolate cake; a doctor had told her anyone would think I wasn’t eligible for AA. ~aFer, the man’s ten-year-old son came over with the Big Book in a she was dying and she wanted me to the hospital. All the nuns (it was a that what alcoholics really wanted was brown paper bag; he shoved it at me raise her eight children. Catholic hospital) were saying, “It’s a sugar not booze. So there I was in bed, and tan. I liked children, and I was dis- We had two other sisters, but for miracle.” “No,” I said, “it was me.” about halfway through a bottle, and I turbed that he was so scared of me. some reason she wanted me to raise I knew I had a drinking problem; I couldn’t wait to get rid of Katharine 1 read the book from cover to cover; these kids. “There’s only one thing, knew drinking in bed wasn’t social and she knew it. “If you’ll eat a piece of I couldn’t put it down. I saw myself on Nancy,” she said. “You’re going to drinking. But I had an image to main- this cake,” she said, “I’ll leave you to every page. And the stories: I could see have to stop drinking.” “Katharine,” I tain. I was a decorator; I had to look your drinking.” “I can’t eat the cake,” 1 that the way they drank was the way I said, “you’ll just have to stay alive be- good. I put a lot of money into clothes, said, “but give me the Manhattan tele- drank. I could see that it had gone bad cause I will never stop drinking. Fur- beauty shops, and massages. I had to phone directory – there’s an outfit in on them and 1 knew it had gone bad thermore, if I had never taken a drink look rich and that was some job. I New York called Alcoholics Anony- on me too. I put the book in the fire-

place behind the logs – it was sum- “What do they look like!” and he said, 1. It was the first drink that activat- ‘I’ll remember you mertime – because 1 didn’t want any- “They look just like you.” “Well,” I ed the obsession – if 1 took that first for the rest of my life’ one in the house to read it and decide 1 said, “they must be gorgeous!” drink, I was gone. At three months I had to speak ought to join. 1 didn’t want to join. 1 I went with him to the meeting. 2. Alcoholism is progressive – everybody did. I had to go over to Jerhad looked at the Twelve Steps and I There weren’t any women. This was once an alcoholic, always an alco- sey. 1 was sick and nervous, throwing didn’t think a spiritual way of life was 1944 and there were maybe a total of holic. up all day, and I called Lois K.,my for me. three or four women in New York, and I talked it over with the member- sponsor, and asked, “Why is this good 1 continued to drink until the fall of that was it. There were six men at this ship. I told them yes, I knew I would for alcoholics?”She said, “You’re thinkthat year. Then one morning I was meeting – three lawyers, a butcher, a I have to quit, but I was only thirty-one ing about impressing them tonight having a very had time of it, and I cop, and a guy who worked in a malt and I wanted to wait until I was in my that’s not the purpose. The purpose is called my brother-in-law’s friend, the factory who said he couldn’t stay sober forties. They didn’t tell me no. They to help one other person in the room, if AA member. “You know,” 1 told him, because the malt went into his pores. told me to put my car up on blocks – you can.” When I spoke that night, I “I read that entire book. I know all That was solved easily enough – we don’t drive. A fellow who happened to told the group what my sponsor had there is to know about alcoholism; I’m got him another job. I loved it; they be a guard at a woman’s hospital told said and how nervous 1 felt. After the very well informed. So how come I’m were wonderful men. I decided that me that if I landed in jail, he knew meeting, a blind woman came up and still drinkine?” He they were far too wonderful to have to someone who could get me out. Mean- asked me, “May I feel your face?”She stay sober. “Give me three months,” 1 while, this thing kept kept hammering touched my face and she said, “1 knew told them, “and I’ll get us all out of in my brain: “What are you waiting you looked like that. I’ll remember you this.” 1 thought that if we had all for?What are you waiting for?” for the rest of my life.” I went home crossed over this invisible line, I could Suddenly I decided it would be a and cried for an hour and a half, to find that line and we could all cross good idea if I became a member of think that I could help someone who back again! They knew I was an alco- AA. I wrote an acceptance note, like was blind and in an alcoholic mess. For holic and they just let me go about my you would do for a wedding invita- the first time in my life, I realized I had business. tion: “Nancy 0.accepts with pleasure done something worthwhile. That was the kind invitation of Alcoholics my first taste of humility. . Taking it on the road Anonymous to become a member.” I decided to do some research, to inter- Along with the acceptance, I put a Working with others view AA members. There weren’t clean piece of paper that would be a When I was new, 1 was the only many meetings in those days; you had letter of resignation if I slipped (every- woman around, so team leaders would to travel. I covered a radius of about one in those days talked about slips call me up to be on their team to speak 100 miles, which included Manhattan, because a lot of us were slipping). with them. My family was having fits Long Island, Westchester County, Al- Nobody ever gave me a hard time, because I was doing this, and finally bany, and parts of New Jersey and Con- nobody tried to reform me. How smart they said to me, “Nobody has ever disnecticut. I’d go to meetings, listen to can you get? They knew how it was graced us like this.” I said, “No, we all the stories, pick the best one, and in- with me because they knew how it died, and I want to live.” One person terview that person. This was hard was with themselves. It was love. And said to me, “It’s like wearing a sign on work and I was plenty thirsty – it was all of sudden – sober now – there your back, Nancy.” Well, I took excepnuts. In about three months, I came to was this tug at my heart, the love of tion to that, so I went out and bought a the conclusion that: one alcoholic for another. fire-engine-red dress. Whenever 1

in jail, you know.” “Yeah,” 1 said, day, and we did a lot of Twelfth “hut not for hurning tents.” She was Step work together, helping women in in because she had burned her apart- Westchester County, and it was hard. and I was succeeding. I told whole book ment and been labelled a pyromaniac. The first women’s meeting was at my him that I had a story and he didn’t. at first. I’d underline parts like the jay- 1 explained to her jailers that she was house. It was Lois who came up with He had the education, but I was an al- walker, the Steps, “no human power,” an alcoholic- possibly a pyromanaic idea for the Grapevine. Lois was also coholic with a story that she identified and an y thin g 1 thought they could too but definitely an alcoholic. I’d been very involved with her sponsor, Marty with and understood. I talked to the identify with. This would prompt them to her apartment and taken out a M., and the National Council on Al- woman, told her to cooperate with the to go on and read the rest of the book, bushel basket full of bottles from uncoholism. I could have been, but I nev- doctor, and maybe she could be helped and then they’d call me. It helped me derneath her mattress. She was a er cared for the idea. I liked working by him. I did Twelfth Step work with a great deal, and it still h e l p me. It schoolteacher, a very, very quiet with alcoholics in AA better. this doctor for five years; we did a lot . keeps my sobriety green, it keeps it woman. I took her to meetings with My group was very active working of good work with alcoholics. I said to alive. I’m not one who says, Let the me, and then she went hack home to with alcoholics in jails and hospitals him, “Don’t ask them why they drink. newcomers do it. There’s plenty of start ;I group of her own. That’s how and mental hospitals. One day 1 went They don’t know. They expect you to work for old-timers. I haven’t been into AA grew in those days. That’s how we to see a woman in the hospital, and on know, and you don’t know either – jails for a while, but I’m still doing 110s- helped each other. my way out, her psychiatrist asked to nobody does. So don’t ask them.” pita1 work. Once a man came over from speak to me. He told me that his par- The second woman I ever sponsored Bronxville to ask our group to help him ents had spent thousands of dollars on Keeping it green was a prostitute. She was always land- start a group there. During the discus- ‘ his education, and the woman I’d just I’d give people the Big Book and tell ing in jail, and they would remand her sion that followed, someone said, seen wouldn’t say two words to him. them to read what I’d underlined be- to my custody. 1 didn’t care that she “There are too many snobs in He wanted to know why he was failing cause I knew they wouldn’t read the was a prostitute but I did care that she Bronxville. Nobody will come to a

group there.” I said, “I don’t see why didn’t, left and started another group. alcoholics who were in relapse, and I the home group. That’s where we reach snobbery should carry the death penal- I remember I called my first sponsor did this exclusively for the next seven out to newcomers, we greet people. ty. I think we should give this man our one time and exclaimed, “I don’t know years. The first question I would ask Everything comes out of the home support.” Later on the man thanked what I’m doing!” “None of us do,” she someone was, “Were you on the twen- group: invitations to speak, people to me, and when I asked why he was replied. We used to take alcoholics off ty-four-hour program?”I never got a sponsor, being active in AA – it all thanking me, he said, “Because I’m a stools in bars and bring them to meet- yes. You work differently with relapsers; comes out of the home group. Bronxville snob.” ings drunk. Finally somebody said, “I they’ve been around AA, they know don’t think we’re doing the right people, they know open meetings, they From wagon trains to jets , Growing through trial and error thing.” And then the publicity prob- know closed meetings, they know I sometimes get asked if AA has At this time, we called AA a loosely- lems -alcoholics bragging about how names. Sometimes they’re well-known changed since 1 first encountered it, knit organization. 1said, “It’s so loosely they saved this one and that one. We because they used to do a lot of Twelfth and I think how, when I came in, peoknit we’re all going to fall through!” It made a lot of mistakes. On the basis of Step work themselves. When I was liv- ple were fascinated by the wagon train wasn’t an organization because nobody our mistakes, Bill W. put together the ing in Westchester, I’d pick people up feeling of AA – that we were small, could organize us. We wouldn’t accept Twelve Traditions. He did it with a and take them into Manhattan to one and all knew one another, and were any outside contributions because we whole lot of help from all of us. The of the big meetings. This was 1951 or close despite our differences. Now it’s didn’t want anyone telling us what to early members brought us one Tradi- later. I’d say, “We’re going to sit in the like the Concorde jet. It’s fast. People do. There were no leaders, so we had tion at a time, in the long form – for back; never mind the speaker, just look come in, they get sober or they go out, to figure it out for ourselves, and that our group conscience and vote. We dis- around the room and tell yourself that they get busy with life, they move was mighty difficult. cussed each one, took out anything all these people are getting sober. They away, they go to other groups. When I . There were many differences of that we didn’t want, made amend- don’t know me, they’ve never seen me came in, the membership was estimatopinion, and that’s the way the Fel- ments, and then voted. I consider the before in their lives, they’re just getting ed at 5,000. Today you and 1 are memlowship grew. Let someone get a Twelve Traditions to be the foundation sober the way 1 am. And if I practice bers of an international Fellowship of restentment and we’d have a new of AA. There were a great many other the AA program, I’ll get sober too.” I more than two million alcoholics. group! For instance, there was a things that contributed to this founda- would never talk about anything ex- Think about that! When we go to woman who baked a cake every week; tion, but this was the first really proges- cept getting reestablished as a member sleep tonight, there will be alcoholics we called it a nut cake – good name sive step for our Fellowship. of AA, that and the twenty-four-hour working with each other somewhere in for it! -but some people didn’t think program- and so I was forced to prac- the world. It never stops. That’s a long it was a good idea, so we had a contro- A twenty-four-hour program tice it. way from 1944, when I came in. One versy over this foolish cake. Those who When I was about seven years sober, I There’s probably nothing more im- thing will never change, though: I need wanted the cake stayed, and those who started doing Twelfth Step work with portant than a home group. I’ve been you just as much as you need me. We going to the same home group since 1 need each other – and our Higher . moved to California, thirteen years Power. That’s where the strength is. ago. I couldn’t have gotten sober with- Nancy O., Lafayette, Calif. out a home group. What I like about a Grapevine editors seek articles on home group is this: you never have to written by old-timers. Old-tim make a decision, it’s automatic. You This article was adapted from an interview conknow that’s where you’re going. This is ducted by Lee ]. that appeared in High Sobriwhere the Twelfth Step gets fulfilled, in ety, an AA newsletter published in San Mateo all meetings really, but particularly in County, California.

July 1995

Fint in a series of articles on the program, and she thought it would me talk about drugs.” And I really authors of Big Book stories be nice to have typed a story that hate to see the story as a divisive might end up in the Big Book, so she thing. 1 don’t think we came to AA said to me, “You write it, I’ll type it, to fight each other. and we’ll send it in.” So that’s what we did. But by that time they had GV: Is there anything you regret havdone another printing of the Second ing written in your story? Edition, and I thought, Fine, that Dr. Paul: Well, I must say I’m really means they won’t use it. But Paula surprised at the number of people who said she liked it and the come up to me and ask me Grapevine published it confidentially if what they’ve with the title “Bronzed heard on the very best au- Mocassins” and an il- thority – usually from lustration of a pair of their sponsor – is hronze mocassins. true: that there Eventually it was put

Alcoholic, Addict” in the Big Book, but the title was

DR. PAUL wrote to tell me that the magazine was going to use an article I’d written on r. Paul’s story, “Doctor, Alco- why doctors shouldn’t prescribe pills 1 want to take it out holic, Addict” is published in the for alcoholics. So she knew my writ- because it says’s0 much Third Edition of the Big Book; ing a little bit and she asked me if 1 about drugs, or that I’ve his remarks on acceptance, which appear had a dual problem and would I be completely changed my mind on pages 449 and 450, have been help- willing to write an article about it for wouldn’t make him not an that AA is the answer or even that ful to many AA members over the years. consideration in the Big Book. My re- alcoholic. It worked well but acceptance is the answer. I’ve also This interview was conducted by tele- action to that was the same as my re- maybe it overshot the mark, and now heard – on the best authority! phone to Dr. Paul’s home in California. action when it was suggested I come one of the most uncomfortable things that I’ve died or gotten drunk or on to AA – 1 thought it was one of the for me is when people run up to me at pills. The latest one was that my wife dumbest ideas I’d ever heard and I ig- a meeting and tell me how glad they Max died and that 1 got so depressed GV: How did you come to write the nored her letter. Later on she called are the story is in the book. They say I got drunk. So, is there anything I’d story that’s in the Big Book? and asked for the article, and I lied they’ve been fighting with their home like to change? No. 1 believe what I Dr. Paul: The editor of the and said 1 hadn’t had time to write it. group because their home group won’t said more now than when I wrote it. Grapevine – a woman named Paula She extended the deadline and called let them talk about drugs. So they C. – was also the chairperson of the me a second time. I had a gal work- show their group the story and they GV: Do you think that your story might committee to review the stories. She ing in the office with me who was in say, “By God, now you’ll have to let help those who are dually addicted?

I Dr. Paul: I think it does. 1 think the said that AA should change its name I used to make “cold turkey” calls, her ways of doing things! She is an story makes clear the truth that an al- to Addicts Anonymous. I find that a where the alcoholic hadn’t asked for entirely different person than I am. coholic can also be an addict, and in- very narrow-minded view based on help. One time 1 went to see this guy She likes clutter, I like things orderly. deed that an alcoholic has a people’s personal opinions and not on who was described to me as a big She thinks randomly and 1 like strucconstitutional right to have as many good sense. History tells us that the husky fellow. He was holed up in a tured thinking. We’re very, very difproblems as he wants! But I also Washingtonians spread themselves so motel. I found out from the manager ferent. We never should have gotten . think that if you’re not an alcoholic, thin they evaporated. Jim B. says the of the motel that he was on the sec- married! Last December we were being an addict doesn’t make you one. greatest thing that ever happened in ond floor, and as I was walking up the married fifty-five years. The way I see it, an alcoholic is a per- AA was the publication of the Big outside stairs to get to his place, I son who can’t drink and who can’t use Book, because it put in writing what thou g ht to myself, if this guy comes GV: I guess she knows your thoughts drugs, and an addict is a person who the program was and made it available charging out the door, he could easily on this matter. can’t use drugs and can’t drink. But all over the world. So wherever you throw me over the stair railing and I’d Dr. Paul: Ad nauseum. that doesn’t mean that every AA go it’s the same program. I don’t see end up on the concrete. So I thought, meeting has to be open to a discussion how you could change the program well, the good news is I’d probably be GV: You’re still going to meetings? of drugs if it doesn’t want to. Every unless you changed the book and I one of AA’s first martyrs. Then I Dr. Paul: I’d say five or six a week. meeting has the right to say it doesn’t can’t see that happening. thought, yeah, but I’d be an anonywant drugs discussed. People who mous martyr. I made the call anyhow, GV: Do you and Max go to meetings want to discuss drugs have other GV: It’s a question of singleness of and he got sober for a while. together? places where they can go to talk about purpose ? Dr. Paul: Max isn’t in AA, she’s in that. And AA is very open to giving Dr. Paul: That singleness of purpose GV: In your Big Book story, you say Al-Anon and she’s still very active in the Steps and Traditions to other thing is so significant. It seems to be that acceptance is the key to every- it. But I go to Al-Anon too, and that groups who want to use them. I know working; why would we change it? I thing. I wonder if you’ve ever had a helps a great deal, and Max comes to this from my own experience, because can’t think of any change that would problem accepting what life hands open AA meetings with me and that 1 wrote to the General Service Office be an improvement. you. helps too. It’s kind of like Elsa C. used and got permission to start Pills Dr. Paul: I think today that my job to say: when two people have their in- Anonymous and Chemical Depen- GV: Nowadays drunks seem to come really is to enjoy life whether 1 like it dividual programs, it’s like, railroad dency Anonymous. I did that when I to meetings already dried out, but that or not. I don’t like everything 1 have tracks, two separate and parallel rails, was working in the field of chemical wasn’t always the case. to accept. In fact, if everything was to but with all those meetings holding dependency. We started groups but I Dr. Paul: No, it wasn’t. You don’t my specifications and desires there them together. didn’t go to them because 1 get every- get Twelfth Step calls as dramatic as would be no problem with accepthing I need from AA. I don’t have they used to be. Now I find that if tance. It’s accepting things 1 don’t GV: Do you think you’d still be marany trouble staying away from talking you’re called upon to make a Twelfth like that is difficult. It’s accepting ried if you hadn’t gone to meetings all about drugs, and 1 never introduce Step call, it’ll be on somebody who is when I’m not getting my own way. these years? myself as an alcoholic/addict. in the hospital. You find out when Yes, I find it very difficult at times. Dr. Paul: I’m sure we wouldn’t. I ini- I’m annoyed – or maybe irritated they’re available and not in some oth- tially thought that the Serenity Prayer is a better word – by the people who er kind of meeting, and make an ap- GV: Anything specific? said I’d have to change the things 1 keep insisting that AA should broad- pointment. But this might change as Dr. Paul: Nothing major, though it couldn’t accept. So I thought, well, en to include drugs and addictions the number of treatment programs be- sometimes seems major that 1 have to we can’t get along so it’s time to other than alcohol. In fact I hear it gins to fade out. accept living with my wife Max and change the marriage. 1 used to go

around looking for old-timers who sponsor if you’ll be my sponsor.” And I pression, I’ve never taken any antide. them as a sponsor and I tell them, would agree with me and say that’s said, “I don’t know if they’ll allow pressants. Instead, with any defect I well, you call me every day for thirty what the Serenity Prayer meant. But that.” But we decided to try it and it want to get rid of, I become willing to days, or maybe sixty or ninety or Max and I finally made a commitment worked out. He calls me ’cause I’m have it removed, then I ask God to re- whatever, and then they call me every to the marriage and stopped talking his sponsor and I call him ’cause he’s move it, then I act like he has. Now, day, and we get to know each other, about divorce and started working our my sponsor so I guess we call each 1 know God has a loophole that says and during that time we find out what programs. In fact we tend to sponsor other twice as often. We’re still spon- he’ll remove it unless it’s useful to you it’s like to be relating to each other. each other, which is a dangerous thing soring each other. That’s been going or to my fellows. So I tell him I’d like It’s kind of a probationary period. to do, but we help each other see on for twenty-seven years. He moved my defect removed completely, but he Then if they still want me to be their when we need more meetings, or need to L.A. but we stay in touch, mostly can sleep on it, and in the morning he sponsor, we’ll go ahead and if they to work a certain Step or something by phone. can give me the amount he wants me don’t, we move on and there’s no loss. like that. to have, and I’ll accept it as a gift from And this gets them accustomed to GV: Is there a tool or a slogan or a him. I’ll take whatever he gives me. calling, so when they have a problem, GV: Do you have, or did you have, a Step that is particularly useful to you I’ve never done that when he hasn’t they don’t have to analyze it at great sponsor? right now? removed a great deal of my defect, but depth and decide if it’s bad enough Dr. Paul: Early on I was talking to a Dr. Paul: Pretty much every morn- I’ve never done it when he has per- that they should bother me with a friend of mine, Jack N., who was sober ing, before I get out of bed, I say the manently and totally removed any de- phone call. 1 haven’t personally been a couple of months longer than I was. Serenity Prayer, the Third Step fect. But the result is that I no longer doing each Step individually with Jack and his wife and Max and I used Prayer, and the Seventh Step Prayer. fight myself for having it. people as much, but I’ve redone all to go to AA speaker meetings togeth- Then Max and 1 repeat those prayers the Steps myself on an average of er. I was telling him how my home along with other prayers and medita- GV: That’s a helpful way of seeing every five years. And every time I’ve group was nagging at me because I tions at breakfast. And I say those things. It makes defects into a gift. done that, my sobriety has stepped up didn’t have a sponsor, and on the spur three prayers repeatedly throughout Dr. Paul: That’s right. And it’s the to a new plateau, just like the first of the moment 1 said, “Why don’t you the day. Rule Sixty-two business [see Twelve time I did them. be my sponsor?”and on the spur of the I grew up thinking that 1 had to Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 1491. Sometimes people call me ’cause moment he said to me, “I’ll be your perfect my personality, then I got into It’s like Father Terry always says, “Be they’re feeling in a funk, their sponsor AA, and A A said. no. that friendly with your defects.” In fact has moved away or died, or they’ve isn’t the way we db it:’ only some poet said, “Hug your demon, moved away from their sponsor, or the God can remove our defects. otherwise it’ll bite you in the ass.” Po- meetings don’t mean much anymore. I was amazed to find that I ets can talk like that. They aren’t getting anything out of couldn’t be a better person AA. And because of my relationship simply by trying harder! GV: Has your sponsoring changed with pills, I’ve had a lot of people What I’ve done with a over the years? come to me and say they’ve got number of problems – like Dr. Paul: I do a lot more stuff by tele- what do you call it?- a “chemical fear and depression and in- hone. When I’m speaking at a meet- imbalance.” They’re seeing a counsomnia – is to treat them as ing, if I think of it, I give out my home selor who says, “Yeah, you’re dedefects of character, because phone number. So I get a lot of pressed,” and the counselor wants to they certainly affect my per- phone calls from all over the country. start them on an antidepressant. My sonality adversely. With de- People ask me if I’m willing to help suggestion is, if you want to do some-

thing like that and you haven’t done problems, people who are addicted to in. A lot of people like that phrase Dr. Paul: Well, I thought about that the Steps in a number of years, do the other drugs have problems, single peo- “The only requirement for member- some years back. Why is it that so . Steps first. And repeatedly people will ple have problems. I can’t think of ship is a desire to stop drinking,” and many people aren’t around any more? do that and decide they don’t need anything more of a problem than be- people interpret that to mean that if Where do they go? It seems to me the pills. ing a woman alcoholic trying to get you’re willing to not drink, you can that most of the people who leave AA sober, married to a practicing alco- call yourself an alcoholic and a mem- leave because of boredom. I made up GV: When you speak at out-of-state holic male, and with a handful of kids. ber of AA. That’s not at all what it my mind 1 wasn’t going to get bored, AA meetings, does Max go with you? That must be as about as big a prob- says. I think it means that if you’re an and one of the things I do when I get Dr. Paul: I don’t go unless she goes. lem as you can get. Everybody has spe- alcoholic with a desire to stop drink- bored, if I can’t think of anything else cial problems. ing, that’s the only requirement for to do, is to start a new meeting. I’ve GV: Why not? I’ve said it often and I haven’t had membership. probably started fifteen or twenty. Dr. Paul: Because I decided 1 didn’t any reason to change my mind: the The most recent one was last Novemcome to A A to become a traveling way I see it, I’ve never had a problem GV: How many years have you been ber. I got a couple of friends together salesman and be away from home. So and nobody will ever come to me with sober now? and we started a “joy of sobriety” we go where it’s a big enough event a problem such that there won’t be an Dr. Paul: Twenty-seven. meeting – it’s a one-hour topic disthat they can take us both. And answer in the Steps. That gives me a cussion meeting and it has to be a topwhat’s really more fun is if it’s a mixed great deal of confidence. I think the GV: Twenty-seven years of meetings. ic out of the Big Book and it has to be event where Max can speak, especial- program – the Steps -covers every- Have you seen any changes in the way on the program and how you enjoy ly if she gets to speak first. She likes thing conceivable. the meetings are conducted? living’the program. It’s fast-moving that. She likes to say that I say that I’m getting way off from what you Dr. Paul: All I see is that there are and we just have a lot of fun. It’s a she tells a perverted version of my asked me. I can’t give short answers. more meetings and bigger meetings great antidote for depression. drinking story. Then she points out I often tell people that the more I and more variety of meetings. I just that I was the one who was drinking know about something, the shorter love to see AA grow. I enjoy meet- GV: What’s the most important and she was the one who was sober. the answer, but when I don’t know, I ings. I’ve been to meetings in Singa- thing you’ve gotten from AA? just make up stuff. pore and Hong Kong and Japan, but I Dr. Paul: This whole thing is so GV: There are many more young think the most interesting was when much more than just sobriety. To be people in the Fellowship now. Do you GV: Did you find it helpful at some Chuck C. and A1 D. and I were vaca- sober and continue the life I had bethink young people have special prob- point to become familiar with the Tra- tioning in the Cayman Islands and we fore – that would have driven me lems because they’re getting sober at ditions? couldn’t find any meetings. We were back to drink. One of the things I resuch an early age? Dr. Paul: I find the Steps easier to twelfth-stepping alcoholics there and ally like about AA is that we all have Dr. Paul: People always say they’re so understand than the Traditions and decided we all needed a meeting, so a sense of direction, plus a roadmap glad to see the young people come in, the Traditions easier to understand we went to the local newspaper and telling us precisely how to get there. I and I agree, but I’m glad to see the old than the Concepts. In fact, 1 find the got some publicity. Then we had a like that. All 1 want out of AA is people come in too. I like to see any- long form of the Traditions consider- public information meeting, then we more and more and more until I’m body get sober. It’s hard to say ably easier to understand than the got a regular meeting started. As far gone. whether your pain is greater than my short form, and I find that the long as I know, that meeting is still going. pain or mine’s greater than yours. I’m form is much more specific on the sure that young people have problems, idea that AA is for alcoholics and not GV: So you haven’t gotten bored by but we all have problems- gays have for just anybody who wants to come Alcoholics Anonymous.

I . b

August 1995 and Felicia served us coffee and cook- to get – and stay – sober in AA. on authors of Big Book stories ies as we talked about AA and her re- Marty became Felicia’s sponsor: “She covery from alcoholism. was my sponsor until the day she died. In her Big Book story, Felicia tells 1 still miss her very much.” When Feabout the turbulent times of her drink- licia was sober less than a year, she ing: from her chauffeured “self-guided” wrote a short piece for the first issue of tour of Europe’s wine countries to being this magazine, in June 1944 (she was the down-and-out habitue of a Green- then known as Felicia G.). Over the wich Village bar, where the other cus- years, she wrote a number of articles for tomers took to moving their stools to the Grapevine and worked for a time, avoid her. Drinking wasn’t a pleasant without pay, reading and editing manexperience for her; it was, she wrote, uscripts. During the 1970s,she was aclike getting a “tap on the head with a tive on the Grapevine’s Editorial small mallet.” Felicia told us, “I had low Advisory Board. self-esteem and behaved accordingly- Felicia has written both novels and and so of course 1 got into trouble all nonfiction. She published several nov-

Don’t Fall” the time.” Her analyst was one of the els while she was still drinking, as reearliest members of the psychiatric pro- counted in the Big Book. She said, “Of fession to learn about Alcoholics course I used to write when I was drunk Anonymous; Felicia explained, “Bill – my writing was quite a mess. Since had addressed a bunch of shrinks, you getting sober, I’ve written some things see, and my analyst heard him. She said I’m not ashamed of,” How did she back lane. Several big evergreens were to me, ‘You’ve been coming here either write her Big Book story?”I was down in the front yard; in the backyard, a drunk or hungover for a year. And I in Florida, and it just came out – 1

F elicia M. is eighty-nine years old and bird feeder hung from a bare tree. In- think these people have something.”‘ didn’t correct at has been sober for over fifty-one side, her house was cozy. A whole row The psychiatrist gave Felicia the Big all; it iust years; she joined the Fellowship in of cookbooks filled a shelf over the Book to read and sent her to meet a the fall of 1943, when it was only eight kitchen door. The walls were hung man named “Mr. W.” years old. Her story, “Stars Don’t Fall,” with pictures – western scenes with Bill W. suggested that Fellcia meet is in the Third Edition of the Big Book. men and women on horseback, a Marty M., the first woman painting by a grandson, a large oil by a well-known abstract painter of the nineteen fifties, and some watercolors On a clear cold afternoon last Janu- by Felicia herself, who began painting ary, the managing editor of the during one period when she couldn’t Grapevine and an editorial assistant write (Felicia is a professional writer). drove up to the small town in Con- The three of us sat in Felicia’s small necticut where Felicia M. lives. We book-lined living room, where the winfound her modest house on a quiet ter light filtered through the draperies,

“My life,” Felicia said, “is so much said, “I’ve always had trouble with my better in sobriety. The main thing is temper and with speaking out. I rethat I believe in God and I can appeal member Bill had a room in the old to him and I can get results.” She Hell’s Kitchen clubhouse on Fortyadded, “If I hadn’t stopped drinking, I’d Fifth Street, and one day over there I be dead: if you had buried me with an lost my temper and I went for this acorn in my mouth, I’d have raised an woman – actually went for her. She oak tree by now.” started crying and Bill just comforted One of the benefits of Felicia’s sobri- her and said nothing to me. I was very ety is that she and her family were able ashamed. Oh! I still remember it. I to make amends. “The thing that I’m need the ‘soft word that turneth away very happy about is that I was able to wrath.’ I’m still working on that. I’m make friends with my mother before trying to learn to be tolerant and unher death. We forgave each other. My derstanding of those who differ with daughter and I didn’t get along for me.” quite a while but now we’re really good As we were preparing to leave, Felifriends – and I get on with my four cia told us, “I don’t know what more I grandchildren. I’ve gone out to can say. I can only tell you the differ- Wyoming to see them, and they’ve ence between then and now: I have a been back East. And this is all because belief in God. My life is happy.” of my being sober. I can look back six generations in my family and see only fighting and hatred, and now it’s stopped. 1 go back and pray for my fighting antecedents! I think that’s why I was put here – to put an end to the whole business of discord in my family, to break the cycle.” Are there any regrets?”I didn’t marry the right man. I wasn’t able to live a happy life in that way. I hope that in the next world, I can do it.” T h e process of change hasn’t stopped simply because Felicia has been sober so long. She tries to go to a meeting a week, and she stopped smoking “fairly recently.” She still battles what she called in the Big Book “my mortal enemy – the inner me.” She

d – August 1995

Tan 9 Buy you a Drink.3″ sitting on a patio overlooking Lac him if he was a member of AA, al- Tremblant, drink in hand, visiting with though at that time 1 knew absolutely another woman. Our visit was inter- nothing about Alcoholics Anonymous, rupted by the arrival of a car with li- except that drunks went there. He very cense plates from Westchester County, modestly told me that he was one of where I lived at the time. I ran over to the “founders.” I thought that this was the car to greet the man and the a bar joke! But the man I was talking woman in the car, as I was happy to see to was Bill W. someone from home. (I also knew that As it turned out, I walked many they would speak English.) I intro- miles in the Laurentian Mountains duced myself, telling them that I’d with Bill, while Lois was working on a been to Mont Tremblant on several new book for Al-Anon, and Bill told previous occasions, and 1 offered to be me about Dr. Bob (then deceased),and . of any service. They thanked me. the part that he had played in the birth The next day, I played golf and af- of AA. We discussed many things, terwards, I went back to my hotel and mostly of a spiritual nature. Only God sat down in the bar. George the bar- could have foreseen my need for the tender came to take my order. This was beautiful program of Alcoholics not a barstool kind of bar, but rather a Anonymous a while later, and this is cozy room with loveseats placed around how he chose to introduce me to it. circular, glass-topped tables. George I am eternally grateful for this experibrought me a double martini on the ence. rocks, and told me he was going into My membership in AA has not only the staff kitchen to have his dinner. He provided me with sobriety and a deepasked me if anyone came into the bar ening relationship with my God, but to please come and get him. with many friends and opportunities to This AA member tried to buy Bill W. a drink – I’d just settled down with my marti- grow. I’ve been invited to carry the ni, planning to read the Montreal pa- message of recovery in AA at two and got an earful of AA instead per, when one of my Westchester United Nations Congresses, one in friends approached and asked if he Geneva, Switzerland and the other in f it hadn’t been for an event that that time, I lived in New York State. could join me. I inquired as to the Havana, Cuba, and several times at the took place in August 1963 (which I’d been to Mont Tremblant, Quebec, whereabouts of his wife (1 didn’t like International Congress on Drugs and I later came to believe only my on several occasions to ski and had sitting in bars with other people’s hus- Alcohol in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, Is- Higher Power could have arranged), I been encouraged to come back in the bands), and he told me that she was rael. But my favorite way of sharing is doubt that I’d be among the living to- summertime by the owners of the ho- having a little beauty nap but would still one-to-one. day. tel where I always stayed. I couldn’t join us shortly. At the end of my drinking, I was Because of a separation agreement imagine Mont Tremblant green instead I offered to buy him a drink but he praying to die. Now, I am praying not with the father of my five sons, I was of white, but I decided to return. told me that he hadn’t had a drink to! There is so much work to be done. alone during the month of August. At Soon after my arrival, I found myself since 1934.1 was shocked and asked Joan B., Toronto, Om.

September 1 9 9 5

AA Grapevine

Third in a series of articles on things do get hetter. How long have sis of the liver. After I’d been sober authors of Big Book stories you been sober now? maybe ten or fifteen years, 1 went to the same hospital in Greenwich where Bob P.: Thirty-three years. Out here in Idaho, there are a lot of young peo- I’d been hospitalized for this bleeding ple, and to them I’m some sort of icon in the latter daysof my drinking. I was because of thirty-three years’ sobriety. having a minor operation -getting a But I go to other parts of the country mole removed or something – and where, hell, that’s not so much. I have when I went to do the intake, 1 gave a friend down in Florida who has fifty- my name to the woman in charge, who four years, and he looks at me as a new- was a nurse, and she looked up at me comer. and said, “I remember you.” 1 said, “How could you remember me!” She GV: How did your story come to ap- said, “You were in the west wing, on

“A4Taught Him to pear in the Big Rook? the fifth floor, with internal bleeding.” Bob P.: It was published first in the I said, “You must see hundreds of peo- Grapevine, and then Dr. Jack – Dr. ple in and out of the hospital with this Jack Norris, who was [Class A] chair- thing.” And she said, “Oh no, they all Handle Sobriety” man of the board of trustees at that die.” time – he read it and he said, “Let’s put that in the Third Edition.” And GV: At the end of your story you talk he’d heard me talk, and he knew I al- about being addicted to fantasy, and ways talked about how to handle so- you say that in sobriety you’ve been BOB P. where the person chairing closed by briety. But I was really shocked when able to embrace reality. But have there reading the last few paragraphs of my my story was put in with the stories of been times during your thirty-three

B ob P. is the author of “AA Taught Him to Handle Sobriety,” the final story in the Third Edition of the Big Book. A Grapevine staff member interviewed Bob by telephone at his winter story. I didn’t even realize it was’my story when he started to read because I hadn’t read it in so long. And as he read it, I thought, “My God, that’s those who’d lost everything. I didn’t years when you were less tha.n thrilled feel that way at the time. to be embracing reality? Bob P.: Not really, though I’ve had all GV: Did you think you were in an- the usual things that happen to you in life – my parents have died and things good!” [Laughter] So I went back and other category? home in Idaho. read it again. Bob P.: I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t didn’t always go the way I planned. I 1 think the only thing I’d change is for AA, but I was in such denial. I was always loved the idea that “life is what to say, as we do to the newcomers, “It so arrogant and self-centered and ego- happens while you’re making other gets better all the time.” I’d like to tistical when I came in that I didn’t plans.” But I’ve never failed to find GV: If you had the opportunity, would have expressed that more than 1 did, think I’d lost anything. But I’ve since some good thing to be thankful to God you write your Big Book story differ- but probably everybody’d say “Oh realized that I was absolutely at the bot- about. Maybe that sounds awfully ently? bull!” tom. In fact, I miraculously survived Pollyanna-ish, but that’s the honest-to- Bob P.: I don’t think so. I hadn’t read what is almost always a fatal illness or God fact of the case. I was especially that story for maybe fifteen years, and GV: It’s a good message to hear, that problem – esophageal varices or blessed by being a trustee and then by a few months ago I was in a meeting long-term sobriety is possible and that esophageal hemorrhaging from cirrho- being the general manager of the Gen-

era1Service Office for ten years. What ing AA that I’d ever met. He was tak- Bob P.: At my last talk at the General solutely determined to get his own way. an incredible experience that was. en away with galloping leukemia about Service Conference, 1 bore down 11e;lv- But he was always very humble and he thirty days after he went to the doctor. ily on the fact that the biggest enemy always leaned way over backwards to GV: Since leaving your position as And during that time, I told him, “Joe, of AA at that time was its growing give credit to everybody else. He was general manager, you’ve helped teach rigidity. 1 still think it’s much more a great example, really. You know what kind of AA ac- so many people how. rigid than when 1 came in, and a hell when he was called the founder of AA, tivity have you been to live and now, by of a lot more rigid than Bill Wilson he always insisted, “Oh no, I’m just the involved with? God, you’re teaching ever envisioned it. co-founder.” And he always called the Bob P.: I have home us all how to die.” guy who carried the message to him groups in Connecti- And he did. He was GV: What would be an example of in- Ebby T. – he always called Ebby his cut and Idaho and in optimistic and full of creasing rigidity? sponsor, even though Ebby never could Florida, and I still go gratitude and peace Bob P.: 1 was particularly ticked off at stay sober. But yes, he was a persistent to at least three and love up until the that time by the rigidity of the Gener- son-of-a-gun in getting AA the way he meetings a week, time that he died. al Service Conference itself. For ex- thought it should be – for example, sometimes more. He was still going to ample, some people were unhappy changing the ratio of alcoholics and And I’m sort of a AA meetings two about the fact that at the end of the nonalcoholics on the General Service convention freak. 1 days before he died. chapter in the Big Book “To Wives,” Board. He fought that one for years love to go to AA there are two paragraphs that refer to and years and got his way in the end. gatherings – I got GV: Do you have Al-Anon for those people who want Of course, I think he was right – the into that habit when sponsees? that kind of help. One man said we majority of the trustees really should be 1 was at GSO and Bob P.: 1 do hut I’m couldn’t do that because it was affilia- members of AA and take that responwas going to them not a very good tion. This thing was debated for an sibility. about every other sponsor because I’m hour on the Conference floor as to On Bill, I loved one thing that Denweek. kind of impatient whether it was proper within our Tra- nis Manders said – Dennis was a nonand irritable with ditions to have a paragraph in the Big alcoholic who came to work at the GV: Do you have a sponsor these newcomers. I always think they should Book referring to Al-Anon. They fi- General Service Office in the mid-fordays? do more than they do. But there are a nally compromised by directing that ties. Dennis said that when Bill con- Bob P.: I’ve always had a sponsor. In number of people I’ve been able to the offending mention be put In a size cluded his speech at the 1955 General fact I’ve survived three sponsors. The help get started in AA, and then 1 turn smaller type and moved down two Service Conference, he said, “Now AA one I have now is still around – it’s them over to somebody else or they inches! Really! is in your hands and I will step down,” “attitude of gratitude” Hal M. down in turn themselves over to somehjdy else. and he dramatically left the stage and Washington. I’m his sponsor and he’s Part of the reason for that is that we GV: Speaking of the Traditions, what started down the steps that led down my sponsor. I had a wonderful sponsor have two homes so 1 don’t have much was your impression of Bill W.? off the stage. Dennis used to say, sort out here, a past delegate from Idaho, real continuity with sponsees. Bob P.: Well, he’s so clouded now in of laconically, that it took Bill quite a lived down in Twin Falls, a fellow sainthood. few years to actually make that last named Joe C. He died five years ago. GV: In thirty-three years have you no- step. He had less sobriety than I did by ten ticed any great changes in the way AA GV: Did he have any non-saint-like years or more but I picked him because is going or the way meetings are con- aspects? GV: It has been noted that a lot of he was the most devoted, loving, car- ducted? Bob P.: Bill was a driven man and ab- old-timers are no longer going to AA.

AA Grapevine

Do you have any thoughts on why old- things in it, and the “Twelve and timers drift away? Twelve” too. Bob P.: It’s kind of the nature of the dise;se, isn’t it! You get cvcrything go- GV: 130 you me the Eleventh Stcp? ing great, and then the old ego comes Bob I).: Every single morning when back and you think, “1 don’t really I’m running. need those meetings.” On the other hmd, 1 know ever so many people in GV: What do you do? my generation of AA who are still en- Bob P.: I go through everything that I ‘ thusiastic ahout going to meetings. I have to be grateful for, and I ask God guess I tend to know more of those to deliver me from the bondage of self kind of people than I do the others – and I ask that I be of lnaxin~umservice maybe that’s why 1 tend to he more op- to God and my fellow man. Then 1 try timistic! In Greenwich, where I’m to do the layout in my own mind of very i~ctivcin loci11AA, there i~rca wll;~t1’111 going to he doing during the number of people at the meetings who day. were there when 1 came in. So there are other old-timers, if you want to call GV: AA really gives us a plan for livthem that, who feel the same way I do ing, doisn’t it? about the importance of AA in their ly. I was out running this morning and for her drive, and here these old Bob P.: What I’ve always talked about lives. I went three miles up the valley with a codgers were walking and running up in meetings, and wrote about in the Big fifteen-degree wind-chill factor and the the road! It becomes a lot more im- Book, is the fact that AA is not about GV: Have you ever gone through a dawn was so glorious and the scenery portant the older you are. stopping drinking. Anybody can stop period where you got ticked off with was so glorious and my beloved wife drinking – the problem is to stay AA or bored with it? was with me – she was walking and GV: You get stiff if you don’t move. stopped. And as far as I know; the only Bob P.: Never! I’ve never been bored I’d walk partway with her and then There’s a lesson in that. way you do that is to change your in- ‘ with an AA meeting in my life. In run. We have a great home out here Bob P.: As Helen Hayes once said – ner self – to effect a new psychic fact, I’d even go so far as to say I’ve and our children are around us and you know she was a pretty old dame – transformation, if you will, a spiritual never been bored in my life. I heard they’re fine and you know, life is so “If you rest, you rust.” transformation. In Alcoholics Anonyone kid say about something, “Oh, good. The point is, I’m younger, more mous we find a real reason for living that’s boring.” Well, I don’t identify. I vigorous, more healthy in every way, GV: Is there any particular sobriety and a kinship with a Higher Power and don’t even know what he meant. and living a far, far better life than I did tool that you find helpful? a new joy in life that we simply didn’t when I was forty-four years old. Bob P.: It’s difficult for me to single know in our drinking days – or, in my GV: You’ve had an adventure for the One of our neighbors was just any one thing out. I still read the case, even before I drank. That’s what last thirty-three years, that’s for sure. emerging from her house this morning Gra p evine regularly. I read the AA is all about. Bob P.: I’ll be seventy-eight next to drive to Boise to get a plane. And Hazelden “Twenty-four Hour Book” month, and the last fifteen years have this gal said, “My God, I can’t believe every morning and have for thirtybeen the best of my whole life. Every it” when she saw us. It was cold and it three years. I read the Big Book at least day I find the joy of living exuberant- was dark and she was just bundling up once a year, and I always discover new

September 1995

Life Is Meant with my sponsor. At work 1 avoided ad- made, letters to be sent, Twelfth Step ditional responsibilities and treated my- work to be dune, responsibilities to be self like a fragile person to be protected assumed, and honest talks to be had from stress at all cost. I even gave some with loved ones. Life is meant to be

to Be Lived room in my head to the idea that I was now an A A old-timer and didn’t have the energy for very much Twelfth Step work. lived by facing the challenges it brings. Otherwise, I’m not living, just existing. God didn’t give me this gift of sobriety to sit in a rocking chair, imagining my- 1 was at a dead halt – spiritually, self as some wise old woman who has mentally, and physically. Depression arrived somewhere. smothered my muffled thinking cvcn There is no easier, softer way. To more. Serious illness came along, and bring the great escape act into sobriety She decided she didn’t want “rocking chair” yet it took me awhile to understand is to travel with a companion that led what was happening. Thank God, 1 me to despair long ago. The teaching I sobnety never gave up on meetings, so my rcccive in Alcoholics Anonymous Higher Power finally got through to about courage and love helps me to me. I realized I’d been playing the great continue to grapple with the chalescape act all this time. lenges of life as they are given to me, en some of my foggy think- escapist in me would just automatical- I know now 1 have a lot of work to one day at a time. ing began to clear in the ear- ly disappear the moment I joined Alco- do. There are more amends to he Louise A. , Spring Hill, Flu. y days of my sobriety, I holics Anonymous. Now 1 realize how realized how often I had drunk to es- cunning, baffling, and powerful are the cape the realities of life. As a result, I old ways of thinking and behaving. worked hard at facing my alcoholism In fact, 1 allowed the old escape act ‘ head-on, practicing the Steps, and con- to seep into my family life in matters vincing myself that I was, at long last, that were most important to me. A t on a journey of discovery. It was excit- home, I refused to take an honest stand ing to think I could become a learning, on issues or ask the questions that growing, changing person, accepting might have led to a deeper understandmy limitations, somehow finding the ing of my loved ones, or my own role as courage to seek a personal honesty for wife, mother, or grandmother. (Then I the first time. wondered why I struggled with depres- I was conscious of the intricate sys- sion so often.) tem of intellectual game-playing 1 had Very gradually I became a champion used to avoid the truth about my drink- people-pleaser, a kind of emotional ing. I had gone to any lengths to pre- jellyfish who discovered that the silent serve my right to drink and smother the martyr role at home was an “easier, healthy woman within who desperately softer way.” What honesty I had was wanted to be free. I naively assumed the confined to the rooms of A A and talks

October 1995

I-%* . , ?r , – 7,; y-yq,- s..”*.’-* >” p : 1

Fonrtll in a series of articles made more money the last year of my big glass of vodka and drank it down. ‘L on.16t11orsof Big Book,skries ‘ ,’ drinking than I’d made in my whole And as I drank it, I said, “Earle, you ‘ , :i. 1 .’ , *.’ ‘t””l.. < ‘ life. (More than I’ve made since, too!) said you weren’t going to ever drink …‘,. .- + r *., .&&&a But the skid row of success is just as un- again.” Somehow, I just could not stay comfortable as the actual skid row in a stopped. But the last day of my drinkdown-and-out area of a city. ing I had a tremendous flash of aware- When I came to AA, we had a lot of ness about what addiction was and low-bottom snobs who would look at what had happened to me and then . everybody else and say, “What do you the craving to take a drink disappeared know about drinking?I’ve spilled more and has never returned. on my tie than you’ve ever seen.” Then pretty soon we got some high-bottom GV: What happened? snobs who said, “At least I didn’t have Dr. Earle: I talk about it some in my “Physician, to go as far down as you did before I Big Book story. The only thing I knew came to AA.” I think these compar- about AA was what I’d read in Jack isons between high and low bottoms Alexander’s article [Saturday Evening

Heal Thyself!” make no sense because alcoholism is Post, March 19411. It said that one of like pregnancy – either you are or you the founders, Dr. Bob, was a doctor, aren’t. A woman can be in early preg- and I’m a doctor -I’m a gynecologist nancy and not show, but she’s still preg- and I’m also a psychiatrist- so I idennant. With alcoholism, there may be tified with that. O n the last day of my DR. EARLE hold of the tape of a talk I’d made at degrees but it’s all the same disease. drinking, I talked to a friend of mine Folsom Prison, and he said he wanted about AA. My friend gave me a piece Dr. Earle’s story “Physician, Heal Thy- to put my story in the Big Book, and I GV: And unmanageability can mani- of paper and there were twenty-four or self!” appeared in the Second and Third said, “Sure.” So that’s the way it hap- fest in a variety of ways. twenty-five statements on it.directed Editions of the Big Book. Dr. Earle was pened. It was typed from the tape Dr. Earle: Yes. I don’t know how toward the drinker who’s planning on interviewed by telephone at his home in recording. I think I helped with some many dozens of times I tried to stop stopping. Now that wasn’t me. I didn’t Califmia by a Grapevine staff member. of the editing of it. drinking, and I could do it.- but I plan on stopping. In fact, I thought I couldn’t stay stopped. I remember one had the problem licked – once again. GV: Have you had occasion to reread time, a Sunday, that I was looking in I had gotten a concoction that I it lately? the bathroom mirror, and I looked ter- thought wouldn’t get me drunk – GV: What is the background of your Dr. Earle: Not for some time. Why? rible. I said to myself as 1 had said vodka over ice. Plus, I hadn’t ever con- Big Book story? many times before, “I’m going to stop sidered myself alcoholic. 1 hadn’t used Dr. Earle: I’d met Bill, and he and I GV: I was just curious to know what drinking for good. I’m going to go on that phrase. A drunk -yes. I couldn’t had become very friendly because we you thought of it now. the wagon forever” – a very danger- stop drinking and stay stopped – yes. had the same kind of a hot-flash story Dr. Earle: I would say again what I ous statement. And I was pretty good But in those days we used the word al- – Bill sobered up with a big hot flash said there, and that is that I lost noth- on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and coholic to mean somebody on skid row, and so did I. Physical sobriety came to ing materially, that I was on the “skid Thursday, but on Friday I came home and 1 wasn’t on skid row. both of us on a golden platter. He got row of success.” As a matter of fact, I and went to the kitchen and poured a I don’t recall leaving my friend’s

house (I wasn’t totally blacked-out that the fire for dinner. I remember going up the time this article is published, it’ll didn’t underestimate my diagnostic day – 1was kind of browned-out), but those stairs and being so drunk I was be forty-two years and 1’11 be eighty- ability or my surgical ability, 1 won- I do recall being on my deck in Mill afraid I’d fall. There were no handrails dered if I really could say I’d cured her. four years old. I still go to AA meetings Valley trying to make out what this on those stairs. I got to the top stair several times a week. I think it’s the Well, I couldn’t account for it. 1 piece of paper said. I was just so drunk I and I looked at my drink and I had just greatest. I have a lot of fun there. thought, Well, maybe the nurses at the couldn’t read it. So I asked my wife to a little bit left in the bottom of the hospital cured her, because after all read it to me and she did. And she read glass, and I thought, “This small GV: In the Big Book, you talk about they had spent more time with her one thing that said, “Don’t stop drink- amount won’t do any good, I’d better operating on a woman with a tumor than I did. I spent many hours in ing for anybody else except yourself.” go down to the kitchen and make a big and how that brought you a sense of surgery with her, but after that I just That made a very deep impression on drink and bring it back up.” So I turned the Higher Power. Can you tell us any spent a few minutes twice a day makme; to this day I’ve no idea why. And around, just feeling terrible, down and more about that experience? ing rounds. But I realized that as valuthe next thing she read was, “Don’t depressed, and all of a sudden a very re- Dr. Earle: When 1 came into AA I able as the nurses were and as lovely as consider yourself a martyr because you markable thing happened to me. It was knew all about psychological things but they were, even they could not bring stopped drinking.” I’ve forgotten what as though an explosion occurred inside I had never thought of a power greater about a cure. And then it finally bethe other statements were, but those of me. I felt pain in every segment of than myself – that really hadn’t came perfectly clear to me that inside two just hit me across the face like a my body. I have no idea why this hap- crossed my consciousness. So in AA of every human being there is a healbaseball bat. I broke down and cried. pened. At that instant I heard the they said you needed to find a power ing power. I had cut my finger and it Of course crying was par for the course words, “This is your last drink.” Well, I greater than you were. Jimmy B. and had gotten well; I’d broken a bone and in those days. Bing Crosby was popular certainly hadn’t planned on this. This Hank P. were the guys responsible for it had gotten well; I’d operated on this then and I’d listen to his songs and I’d is your last drink! the phrase “as you understand Him” woman and she had gotten well. How cry, or I’d be driving along and I’d look I looked at my glass and poured out and I talked to Jimmy and Hank, 1 come?That to me, in its simplest form, .up at the sky and I’d see a lovely cloud what was there. I’d already had my last talked to Bill, I talked to Chuck C. – is a concept of a power greater than I and I’d cry. I’d look at my wife and drink. I never felt so relieved in my life. I kept asking, “What’s all this Higher am. daughter and cry, and I suspect they God, I felt good. 1 felt just tremendous. Power stuff!” looked at me and cried too. It suddenly occurred to me: “Earle, your When I was about nine or ten GV: What was your impression of Bill Well, that evening my wife patted trouble is that you call yourself a drunk; months sober, I operated on a woman W.? me on the back and went into the you’re not, you’re an alcoholic.” At and took out a large uterine tumor. I Dr. Earle: I thought he was a hell of house, and I sat there and I’d never felt that instant the craving to take anoth- took out the sutures on the sixth day, a great guy. I went back to New York so depressed in my life. Now, I’m a rea- er drink evaporated from me and be- and the wound was tightly healed to- and I met Nell Wing [Bill’s nonalcosonably happy guy. I have my downs, lieve it or not, it has never returned gether. How come?As I was pondering holic secretary], and some others, and like everybody does, but in general I once. this, the woman’s husband called me. they took me in and introduced me to kind of radiate above the line. But this I saw my friend the next day and I He said, “I want to thank you for cur- Bill. He was a great big tall, long, was the deepest I’d ever felt. I was feel- went to AA and I got turned on by ing my wife. We are deeply apprecia- lanky guy. And he and I took to each ing just terrible. I don’t know how long AA and I’ve been turned on ever tive.” And she got on the phone and other just like a duck takes to water. 1 sat there – for a long time. Finally I since. said the same thing. I said, “Well, I’m We sat and talked for an hour or two, looked at my watch and I realized it glad to be of service,” but when we I think, and we just talked back and was time to ascend my stairs – we GV: When was that? hung up, I asked myself, “Did you cure forth – what had happened to him, lived on the side of a mountain – and Dr. Earle: I came into the Fellowship her?”And I thought about the wound what had happened to me – and we go up to the barbeque area and make on the fifteenth of June, 1953. So by and how it had healed, and while I became fast friends almost instantly. He

thing or another – we shared Marty M. and some others, and I spent Gita, the Vedas – everything. I went all kinds of stuff. about eight or nine days back in New to an ashram on the southeast coast of Let me tell you about one of York before I went to Asia. Bill took India, run by a very famous guru and my trips back to New York. I me to the airport and on the way there saint. There were about a hundred and looked at Bill and he just he said, “You know, Earle, I’ve been fifty East Indians there. 1 was the only looked terrible. And I said, sober longer than anyone else in our Westerner and they welcomed me. I “Bill, how do you feel!” And organization. After all I was sober six wore a dhoti – that’s a white skirt that he said, “I don’t feel well at months when I met Bob. But,” he said, men wear -and I wore one like the all.” I found out that whenever “I don’t have too much peace of mind.” rest of them did. We all ate on the guests came to AA headquar- He said, “I feel down in the dumps a ground on great big banana leaves over ters, Bill would take them hell of a lot.” So 1 said, “So do I, Bill. I a yard long. There would be food on down to a little ice cream shop don’t have much serenity either.” I was the banana leaves and ~ o u ‘ dmake it around the corner and he’d sober by this time maybe sixteen, sev- into a ball with your right hand and buy them ice cream and cake enteen years. He said, “Do me a favor. throw it into your mouth. There were and coffee. He was doing noth- When you get over to Asia, see if you no knives or forks at all, so 1 did what ing day after day but drinking can investigate, firsthand, the various they did. I didn’t like the taste very coffee and eating ice cream religions in Asia. That means Hin- much but I did it. and cake. And I said, “Bill, you duism, Buddhism, and Taoism, and I happened to be there at the time of know, this isn’t the best diet.” Confucianism and ancestral worship the Feast of Dewali. Dewali is like our He said, “I guess it’s not. What and the whole shebang.” And I said, time of Easter; it’s the time of renewal. shall I do!” So I put him on a “All right, I’ll do it.” And he said, “Stay We were awakened on the early momhigh protein diet and he went in contact with me and maybe we can ing of Dewali around two o’clock. This on that diet and got to feeling find something in those religions. Af- ashram was located at the base of a just great. And people said, ter all, we’ve taken from William mountain known as Arunachal. Now was a guy who felt very deeply about “Bill, you look so good – what hip- James, we’ve taken from all the Chris- Arunachal in Hindi means sun, and things, and he’d had a remarkable ex- pened!” And Bill said, “My mnecolo- tian religions. Let’s see what these oth- the myth goes that one of the gods, perience that had brought him to the gist put me on a high proteindiet.” ers have.” Rama, lives inside of this wountain. conclusion that he might sober up the So I hugged Bill and got on the We were told we had to walk around world. And to begin with, he went off GV: Have you had periods in sobriety plane and went to Asia. I had three or the base of this mountain – which to do just that – to sober up the world. that were emotionally difficult? four rest and relaxation periods a year was a ten mile walk – and as we But pretty soon he quieted down and Dr. Earle: Oh my, yes. So did Bill – but I didn’t rest and relax. I was deter- walked, we were yelling to Rama. If just sobered up those around him. 1 you know Bill had a long depression. mined to find something that would you do it in a very firm and believing . went back to New York many, many Let me tell you how I got at some emo- bring peace and serenity to me. I spent way, it’s said that Rama will come up . times and spent time with him. He had tional rest. Years ago, a medical college a lot of time in Nepal and in Indone- and wave at you and bless you. I was a room in a hotel under the name in the South asked me to go to Saigon sia. I spent time in India. 1 went into there, and I did it. We walked around William Griffith. He didn’t use his last as a visiting professor to help the Viet- these places looking, looking, looking and we were yelling “Rama, Rama, ‘ name because people could find him. namese set up a new department in gy- for serenity. I spent two or three years Rama” hoping that Rama would come He and I would spend all day long talk- necology and obstetrics. Before I left, I just driving to find out something. I up and bless us all. They all walked in ing about things, talking about one went back to see Bill and Lois and tried meditation, I read the Bhagavad their bare feet. I didn’t, I wore my

things and my life in AA isn’t like that. family has people who are braggarts AA is a very loose-jointed organiza- who think they know everything tion. People say there is only one way every family does. Every family has to work the program. That’s crazy. We people who whine all the time – , talk about the “suggested” Steps, which every family. And every family has peoare guides to recovery, not absolutes. ple who go out and do very well and Chapter five of the Big Book says “no succeed at the art of living. So when I one among us has been able to main- hear the whiners – well, they’re kind tain anything like perfect adherence to of a bore, but on the other hand, a famthese principles.” If we had all the ily always has boring whiners in it. members of AA standing here, everyone would have a different idea what GV: Did your marriage change after AA is all about. Bill’s idea was differ- you got sober? ent from Dr. Bob’s, yours will be differ- Dr. Earle: Oh my God, yes – I’ve ent from mine. And yet they’re all been married four times. I was sober based on one thing and that is: don’t about fifteen years before 1 got divorced drink, and use the Twelve Steps in your the first time. I’d been married thirty own way. years. It was a marriage that was not very successful. My wife and 1 went on GV: Do you sponsor people different- different paths, but we were victims of l y now than you did years ago? the idea that good boys and girls don’t Dr. Earle: I don’t think I do. Maybe get divorced. Finally I said to Mary, shoes. Gosh, I was tired. But I walked there it was. Serenity. The trouble was these days sponsees tend to talk about “You know, I think we ought to get diall night long, the whole distance. the search . . . looking out there for not only their drinking but a little vorced,” and she said, “1 think so too. After that event, I came back to my what was right here. more about the relationship problems, We don’t have much in common.” So little apartment in Saigon, ready to re- You know, we only have this given and so we get into conversations about we had a very sensible, quiet, straightturn to my medical work. I was so beat- second. There’s always now. Once I re- their wives or sweethearts and some forward divorce. But you can’t hang en because I’d been driving and alized that, serenity became mine. Now emotional problems. from the rope for thirty years and not searching and clenching my fists for al- – I’m speaking about emotions – 1 miss it when it’s cut down. So, after that most three years (and I kept writing to haven’t sought one single thing since GV: So whatever changes you find in I got married twice for very short times Bill about all this, you know). And I that day because it’s all right here. 1 of- AA, you’re not uncomfortable with to two very fine women, good friends of came into my apartment and I sudden- ten say to people at meetings, “You’re them? mine today. Then I had a long time ly collapsed down onto the floor. I lay trying to find peace of mind out there. Dr. Earle: Well, some AA groups when I wasn’t married and then I met there breathing kind of heavily and I I don’t blame you, but it isn’t out there. have turned into kind of psychological my current wife and we’ve been married said to myself, “Oh, to hell with seren- It’s here. Right here.” forums and that isn’t AA to me. fifteen years. She’s sitting right here, by ity, I don’t care if it ever comes.” And I Now, do 1 think there is a supreme Maybe it is, I don’t know. But here’s the way, working on the computer. meant it. And do you know what hap- being, a God?Sure I do. Of course. But the way I feel about it, correct or inpened? All of a sudden the craving to do I have any religious beliefs?No. Re- correct: AA is my family, and every GV: Is there any Step that is a particfind serenity utterly evaporated -and ligion demands that you do certain family has a mix of people in it. Every ular help to you?

Dr. Earle: I like that Tenth Step pret- Dr. Earle: That’s right, but he had to ty well. When you make a mistake- get me drunk first. stomp on somebody’s toes – you can straighten it out right away. 1 think GV: Is there anything you’d like to say that’s a pretty valuable Step. in conclusion? Dr. Earle: I think AA is the greatest GV: What is your view of the thing alive. And I think that we do Eleventh Step? need to check on what’s happening in .Dr. Earle: Let me say something AA, and 1 think we need to look at which might be heretical to many peo- AA as a family. AA cannot be the ple. I think that God’s will and my will same way it was when Dr. Bob and Bill are identical. I think that it was God’s were here. So 1 think that we need to will that I become addicted to alcohol go along with changes in AA but let’s and amphetaminesso that I could find not forget the Twelve Steps. Let’s not AA and get sober. And so I feel that forget those suggested Steps that we the greatest thing that ever happened can use to make ourselves more aware to me were the alcohol and drugs that I of what’s going on. Because to me the took, because that brought me to greatest thing in life is to be aware of where I am, and 1 need to be here. If what’s happening all the time. the casting director who runs this I’m not a church-goer – I’m in whole universe were to come to me church all the time. To me, prayer is utand say, “Earle, you’re going to live ter awareness. I don’t know if that your life over again,” I would say, “All makes sense to you but it does to me. right, but I want to live it exactly the It’s being aware of things, of what’s gosame way – all the misery, all the ing on around me all the time, in a givdrinks, all the amphetamines.” All the en second. That to me is a form of stuff I took, I’d do it exactly the same prayer, that to me is a form of rightway. Why?If I didn’t do it exactly the eousness, if you want to use that relisame way, you and I wouldn’t be hav- gious word. ing this conversation and 1 live on such things. So, the Eleventh Step is great GV: A Buddhist might call that but I don’t need to pray for God’s guid- awareness “mindfulness.” ance. It’s here all the time. Dr. Earle: Christians call it.a state of grace. We in AA have a bit of a state GV: So God’s will for you is to be of grace. sober. (L,

This concludes the Grapevine’s series of interviews with writers whose stories have appeared in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

October 1 9 9 5

of Myth peculiarly alcoholic need to see myself as a martyr. “Oh, woe is me” is how I play the role. “I’m a lone AA traditionalist, carrying the real AA program vulnerable, the real old-timers made bigger mistakes than anyone has dreamed up since. Today, can we even imagine a local out here among these heathen addicts AA group soliciting other people’s all by myself.” money to open its own rehab, loan of- The purpose of this kind of message fice, and educational center? How is to place guilt, to inflate my self-im- about the General Service Office apportance, and to manipulate others proaching wealthy philanthropists for (mostly vulnerable, impressionable handouts to make up for a budget newcomers) so they’ll conform to a shortfall? Or groups deliberately ex- A response to the May 1995 Grapevine article, narrow use of language and behavior cluding women and people of color “Whose Message Are We Carrying? ” by J .J. from Belton, S .C. with which I’m comfortable. The im- from their meetings? The old-timers plication is that if they don’t, they are did these things, and more.

T here is a myth circulating among some AA long-timers. The short form goes like this: Years ago, back when I was a newcomer, AA was solidly unified behind the day-wonder, poly-addicted, rehab babies who are primed by therapists to talk about their feelings. As the authors of this AA lore frequently admit, newcomers leave them doing something wrong, something that will harm the AA program and strangle their own prospects for sobriety. After all, I reason soundly, it’s for their own good. But these horrendous mistakes didn’t stop the growth and the impact of the AA program. The other addictions and treatment programs that some well. meaning but inexperienced newcommessage carried in the Big Book. Old- “confused and frightened when what I I’ve thought and said all these ers talk about at meetings are small timers welcomed me to meetings where hear in meetings is not the message of things. For me this behavior was the change relative to the intolerance, the only thing spoken was the wisdom of AA.” (I. J. from Belton, S.C. in the product of long-standing fear and inse- blunders, and internal rancor that first the Big Book and the Twelve Steps. No- May 1995 issue). curity. The truth is that since the first spurred Bill W. to write the Traditions, body talked about their struggles with I would add two more emotions evi- day I walked through the doors of AA, and then to relentlessly defend them drugs, sex, money, religion, food, smok- dent in this point of view, both of I’ve heard people bemoaning the loss against hostile old-timers who considing, emotions. None of that muddied the which I’ve experienced as well: guilt of the way it used to be. And I’ve seen ered them too complicated. pure waters of good old-time AA. And and what the Big Book calls “a feeling many drift away because of this atti- In addition to information about the God forbid anybody might think of anxious apartness.” In order to move tude. First comes the loss of humor – tumultuous history of the Fellowship, they’d learned something about alco- beyond these feelings – ones that every transgression of “the way things our Step book has some advice for holism anywhere else – like from a every bleeding deacon suffers from – should be” seems serious and threaten- hand-wringers: Don’t like what’s going therapist or rehab or another outside I’ve learned to ask myself two questions ing. Then comes the loss of faith. on in your home group? Then take source. Never happened back in those in my daily inventory: am I still learn- So I want to suggest to those who are some action. Start your own group. days. No sir, not when we had only ing? Am I too busy preaching? nostalgic about the old days that the The hitch is: once the group gains its red alcoholics at meetings. I’ve been around AA for fourteen history presented in our Step book, in own momentum, you have to turn it According to this fairy tale, long- years, and sober for twelve, by the grace old Grapevines, and in Conference-ap- over to the group conscience. Do you timers got the “real AA” from the old- of God. I also attend Al-Anon, so I’ve proved biographies shows that AA has have enough faith in Tradition Two to timers, and most transgressions of AA learned to recognize when I’m laying a always been rife with controversy, re- do that?Might not the groups you’re so tradition have been introduced to guilt trip on others, and when I’m sentment, and not-so-petty rows. In worried about also be under the guid- . meetings since then by twenty-eight- viewing a problem in order to suit my fact, when the program was at its most ance of “a loving God as He may ex-

press Himself in our group conscience”? doing things, not in a fixed set of Come on, long-timers, get real. words, but in the living, changing, Laugh a little. The program is alive and growing spirit we share, one alcoholic well and thriving for millions of us. to another. How can any of us claim Raising the alarm for the sake of AA is that simply because of changes in the what Rule #62 should guard against. language and concerns expressed at Sure, the language people use at meetings, this can no longer be so? meetings is changing. Just as the prob- A final question to consider: would lems they bring to meetings – eco- any of us have found it inspiring or nomic, personal, chemical – are helpful as newcomers to listen to some changing. That’s life on life’s terms. wistful harangue about how wonderful Everything changes. But the Twelve AA used to be? Steps and Twelve Traditions and Ernest S ., York Harbor, Maine Twelve Concepts remain to guide our behavior, as surely as the seven deadly sins guide our inventories. AA unity is an ideal to which we still aspire, and . which we still fail to achieve. Just like it’s always been. Those who believe the program used to be unified, heterogeneous, and peacefully engaged in only our singleness of purpose are dreaming. The miracle at the heart of AA has always been a gritty, turbulent one. The push and pull between great love and great suffering rends the resilient spiritual fabric of our groups again and again; and people still get sober. Maybe the lesson is that, despite the growing diversity of our membership and the burdensome complexity of our service structure, the real power of AA still resides in one alcoholic talking to another. Not in a fixed wav of

November 1995

Old-Timers blacked out entire memories and somehow lost the whole six years. There’s Corner nothing like forgetting your elementary school years to make you feel stupid. It amazes me that people can remember schoolmates’ names, teachers’ names, favorite subjects. Eventually, I returned to live with my biological mother and my stepfather. According to my report cards, my grades slipped quite a bit in junior high and were low for what part of high school I attended. Sobriety i s a That brings me to the present. Two years ago, after seventeen years of sobriety, I suffered an industrial injury. Learning This opened up a whole new world to me. First, it took me out of a job that was physically killing me; second, it Experience opened me up to an opportunity that I wasn’t even looking for. Through vocational rehabilitation I was able to go to college. I never thought college was for me. Remember, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was stupid. As a mat-

A funny thing happened in my I lived with them are filled with memseventeenth year of sobriety: 1 ories of the best-ever mashed potatoes found out that I wasn’t stupid. and gravy, quiet evenings infront of I’d listened to people in AA saying the TV, warm flannel pajamas, and the that alcoholics were extremely talent- softest lap in the world to sit on. ter of fact, many people close to me had drilled this idea into me. As it turns out, I have kept a 4.0 average; oh heck, 1’11 just say it – I’m an “A” student. So when I hear AAs talked people; over-achievers; very bright. What I have no memory of is the ing about alcoholics being over-achiev- I had a sneaking suspicion that I was elementary school classroom. I was dif- ers, I can quietly feel I belong. once again different. ferent from my classmates in that 1 I’m now qualified to be a preschool I’m a product of two alcoholics and didn’t live with my mother and father. teacher and have a job lined up. I will was raised for most of my growing years In the nineteen-forties and fifties, di- always try to remember that little peoby foster parents. These people were a vorce wasn’t as accepted nor as preva- ple have delicate feelings. I want their gift from God. I was taken into their lent as it is today. In trying to protect preschool years to feel like warm pajahome and their hearts, and was loved myself from the shame of not having a mas and a soft lap. as one of the family. The eleven years mom and dad like everyone else, I Barbara S., Paradise, Calif.

December 1995

Old-Timers spread the message to our area. timing and the whistle were important We rented a church hall for an af-. to the progression of the meeting. Corner ternoon on the last Sunday in April, We raffled two books, Dr. Bob and Since a lot of old-timers can no longer The Good Old ‘Timers and Pass It On. drive at night, we wanted to be sure We felt those were significant to the everyone who wanted to participate meeting. There was 387 years of sobricould. Ken B. and I brought the cof- ety among the speakers, 99 attendees . feepots, bought the coffee, fixings, and who hung on to every word that was cake; and then we prayed to God that spoken and a lot of cheering and laugh- AAs would show up. ter. A wonderful time was had by all. One week before the meeting 1 had We knew the meeting was a success finalized ten speakers and two who beyond our wildest dreams when we

A Wonderful wanted to be introduced but didn’t want to speak, so we were ready with a pre-printed program, medallions, and heard a newcomer say, “This is the best meeting I’ve ever attended. It gave me so much hope. If they can stay sober someone to tape the speakers. that long, so can I.” Bud E., our intergroup – .chairman, Ellie B., Lakehnd, Flu. chaired the meeting. Nine old-timers spoke and we introduced three. Each old-timer had eight minutes each to tell a little about “what it was like when they came to Alcoholics Anonymous.” I had a stop watch and a whistle so thev wouldn’t eo bevond eieht min-

0 ur intergroup committee vot- knew of someone who had thirty years ed in favor of having our first or more of sobriety. Old-timer’s Meeting. Since I Allison, our intergroup newsletter made the motion to sponsor the meet- editor, helped me put together a flyer ing, 1 was named chairwoman and or- which we made available to all the Utes. I blew the whistle a few times and everyone loved it, especially those who hadn’t been to this kind of meeting. Old-timers can be lengthy (after all, they have a lot of experience), so the ganizer. Since I’m fairly new to this groups at the district meeting. We also area (1 got blown out of Miami by handed them out at the intergroup of- Hurricane Andrew), I didn’t know fice and at the monthly intergroup who all the old-timers were, so 1 had meeting. It wasn’t long before I had a to seek help in finding their names, nice long list of old-timers compiled, groups, and whereabouts. 1 did this by complete with phone numbers. Every going to our monthly district meeting group got very competitive and if they and attending meetings I didn’t nor- had an old-timer in their group they mally attend. I asked everyone who wanted to see that he or she spoke at came to our intergroup office if they the meeting. So you can see we really

January 1996

Old-Tlmars Cormar I8 the country, golf in the summer, hock- problem without it.” Old-Timers ey in the winter. One time I was in San Something happened that night that Diego and I got picked up for drunken I can’t explain – I never drank again. Corner jaywalking. They took me to court and That was February 2, 1963, and I’ve found me guilty. I told the judge I been sober ever since. About a month wasn’t drunk, and he said, “The officer after that 1 came back home to Boston. said you were drunk, that you couldn’t The only way I stayed sober was walk straight.” “I wasn’t drunk,” I in- through Alcoholics Anonymous and sisted. He fined me anyway. I went the Twelve Steps. When I came into down the street to a bar and got the Fellowship, for all intents and pursmashed and went poses my life was back and kicked the over. I had nothing, I chamber doors open was a bum, I had k t and said, “NOW this is He told me everything through drunk!” &vd booze. ~ ~ I s a v e I went on like this life. I went to AA for a long time. I had to sit down, and never queslots of trouble, and tioned, it. It’s been eventually I lost every- shut UP, ” the greatest thing – I was in Orange, thing. – that has ever hap- Texas, living in a junk- pened to me. vard in the back of and learn I had a meat swnwhat we referred to as sor. 1 asuked kim. the Chevrolet Motel. to listen “What do I have td grew up in an Irish Catholic neigh- I got into a lot of scrapes; one night I A friend of mine and I do to stay sober?” He borhood where everybody drank. was drunk, drove through a guardrail, shared this Chevy with said, “Get stupid, .Booze was no problem in the be- and rolled the car over a few times. I a dog, but it got so bad throw out all your ginning. I always had beer but it didn’t climbed back up to the highway and a even the dog left. On a old concepts.” He bother me then. I played sports and state trooper came along. He said, cold night in February, we were broke told me to sit down, shut up, and leam was fortunate enough to become a “Have you been drinking?”I said, “Of and we were hungry, and my friend to listen, that I had nothing to share professional in hockey and golf, and I course I’ve been drinking. What do you said, “I know where we can get a cup but a drunkalog. He was deeply into made a living that way for a long time think I am, a stunt driver!” They took of coffee and a sandwich for nothing.” the Steps, though Step and Big Book – but I destroyed my career through my license away so I went and got a bi- We’d been panhandling all day and meetings weren’t around then. I folbooze. During World War 11, I was a cycle, and I got arrested three times for hadn’t made out too well. So we went lowed that same path and in time I paratrooper in North Africa, and after drunken driving on a bicycle. I hit the to this meeting at a church down the found a whole new way of life. I asked a I came home I started to drink heavi- cop on the comer, I hit the side of the road. I was having coffee and a sand- Power greater than myself to remove ly. I crossed that line they talk about police cruiser, and I hit the traffic box wich when a guy came up to me and the obsession to drink and he did. I was in the Big Book – the invisible line in the middle of the town square. said, “Are you having a problem with told: don’t drink, find a Higher Power, into alcoholism. Golf and hockey took me all over alcohol!” “No,” I said, “I’m having a clean house, and then become perfect-

Old-Tlmors Corner

ly willing to change your whole life. This is a living program, a doing prothey get to AA they know more about holics Anonymous will never change; Without sponsorship I don’t know gram. When you leave the hall you it than we do. I don’t have anything our Traditions will never change. But where I would have been. I try to be a have to take it with you. It doesn’t against anything, but I’m for AA – in some places detoxes are taking over sponsor to the best of my ability and try mean it’s easy to do but that’s what AA has done a great job and it always the job of AA; they’re sobering these not to take on too many pigeons at one we’re working toward – to live this will. people up and hying to teach them too time. I have one or two at the most – way of life. If all we do is read a book It would be hard for me to give back much, too quick. AA has let itself depends on what condition they’re in and then go back to our old ways, we anything near to what AA has given down by not taking the time to go into -so I still have to have time for my- fall back into the trap of alcoholism. me. I try to share as much as possible these places and tell them what AA is self. When they’re real sick you have Doesn’t mean we live it perfectly every with alcoholics and try to be there for and what it is not. all you can do to handle one, but most day, but we try to live it. the newcomer. I’ve always been active; So AA’s message has become wacome dried-out now so you can work When I first came in, we’d go any- 1 got involved in general service work tered down. For example, nowhere in with two or sometimes three. Some- where, anytime, on a Twelfth Step call; fairly early because my sponsor was a our literature does it say anything about times I see people take on too many two or three of us would go to New service person. I was always interested ninety meetings in ninety days, or that newcomers to avoid doing what they Hampshire, Vermont, all over really. I in how things worked. General service we have to learn to love ourselves. have to do for themselves to recover, learned a lot of AA that way. 1 remem- work tells what AA is, what it isn’t, That’s a detox message. Our literature, and so they stay sick. ber one time we went to Dorchester. what it does, what it doesn’t do – it our message, talks about recovering one In working with newcomers over the We walked in the door, started going keeps the whole thing together. The day at a time and getting out of selfyears, my experience has shown me up the stairs, and the guy at the top Traditions make AA; without the Tra- centeredness in order to recover. Nonthat if they do what’s laid out in the pushed a refrigerator down the stairs. ditions we’re lost, yet alcoholics refuse alcoholics in AA is AA’s fault because Big Book, if they follow that path to He said he didn’t call Alcoholics to look at them. They want to change AA doesn’t do its job in detoxes or in the best of their ability, they recover. Anonymous, that he didn’t want any- AA, want to change the Big Book – the courts to explain what we are. . There’s no doubt about it, this thing thing to do with it, and so we left, we leave it alone, it’s worked fine for sixty We’re Alcoholics Anonymous, that’s works; it’s not a crap shoot – it ab- didn’t insist. years. it. We’re for alcoholics who want to solutely works. The ones that get this Another time there was a guy who Over the years I saw AA in my area stop drinking alcohol alcoholically, thing the fastest are the ones who’ve couldn’t get sober. I was pretty new and go through many growing pains. Gene This business about open and closed gone so far with booze that they can’t he asked me to take him to a drying- era1 service went way down, and the meetings is messed up. Just because it’s go any farther; they surrender and the out place. The old-timers told me that central office in Boston had to pick up an open meeting doesn’t mean that , fight is over. The ones that have a hard he would just run away, and sure the pieces. When general service work people can come in and participate as time are the intellectuals. They think enough when we got out of the car he became strong again, the central office drug addicts or overeaters or anything this is a learning thing instead of a liv- started to run in the opposite direction. didn’t want to give up what they’d else. Open meetings are for people who ing thing, and they try to tear it down I chased him down the street, tackled been doing, so there was a lot of con- want to get an idea of what AA is, and and put it back together the way they him, and then gave him a little tap in troversy. In the last few years it’s been find out whether or not they belong . think it should be, rather than accept- the chest so he wouldn’t run away changing back to where it’s supposed here. Bill often said if AA was deing it for what it is – a simple, beauti- again. He got dried out and he never to be: with general service addressing stroyed, it would be destrsyed from ful, God-given program. It’s so simple drank again. You can’t second-guess the needs of the Fellowship at the na- within. That’s what we have to be careit baffles us. Some of us look for an- God, but you never know when some- tional level and central service as a ful of now. Nobody out there can hurt swers in an intellectual way, rather one is ready. clearinghouse and book store at the lo- AA, but we can certainly hurt ourthan looking for a solution in a spiritu- We’ve lost a lot of that today. The cal level. selves. . al way. Keep it simple! detoxes dry people out so by the time The program of recovery in Alco- Phil L., MaJden, Mass.

February 1996 Old-~unlYounsp.opkInM

er, the Fourth and Fifth Steps, and Sometimes I reach out aggressively things I should and shouldn’t do to stay as I did with one young woman I sponsober. sor. I first saw her at an early morning Sometimes they talked so much I

!fve 601 w h d t YDM meeting where she was reading to us thought my ears would fall off. But I need knew they cared and I was staying sober so I knew they were right. I loved from a book she had borrowed from her church library. She did this a couple of times before I asked her if she would the way they talked to me: right up stay and talk to me after the meeting. front, no games, no foolishness, just the She was sober about a month and truth. had no sponsor. When I asked if she These sober alcoholics gave me would like me to be her temporary things I never knew existed – love, sponsor until she found a permanent time, acceptance, honesty, fun, laugh- one, she said, “Yes.” She is now sober ter, breakfast, showing up, coffee and four years, and we are still sponsee and doughnuts, and me. sponsor. n the early days of my sobriety, I anyone else. I was carrying around a

I asked this guy sitting next to me at load of guilt that was killing me, and I a meeting, “Do you think I’m too hated myself and everybody else. young to be alcoholic!” “Oh, I don’t know,” he said. “What AA taught me how to live my life without taking a drink by teaching me So how do I share my glorious gift of sobriety with young people?How do I reach out to them?What form does my Twelfth Step call take in 1996? Another woman I sponsor is an alcoholic and drug addict. When she first asked me to be her sponsor, I said, “NO.” She cried so much I said, “Let I attend four or five meetings a week. me talk to my sponsor in Louisiana.” are you: thirty-four, thirty-five maybe?” how to live the Twelve Steps. It gave I am visible, verbal, and available. I My sponsor told me that I could cer- “What!” I shouted. “I’m twenty- me an understanding of the disease I celebrate my anniversaries to demon- tainly go through the Steps with her, three.” was living with and how it manifested strate “eternal vigilance” when it share my experience, strength, and “Honey,” he said emphatically, itself in all areas of my being: physical- comes to staying sober. I have a home hope as an alcoholic, and be there “you’re in the right place.” ly, mentally, and spiritually. And it gave group. when she needed me. We agreed that Indeed I was and I am. me a Higher Power other than booze. When called on to talk at meetings I we would talk only about alcahol and Shortly after that, I asked my spon- Because the desire for a drink didn’t talk about my AA experiences: how she would attend NA for her drug adsor if she thought I was “too young to leave me for a long time, my fellow al- the Steps work, on a day-to-day basis, diction. She listens, she follows direcbe in AA.” Since I hadn’t had any luck coholics spent hours and hours and to help me live a sober life. 1 talk about tions, and she is sober two and a half with “too young to be alcoholic,” 1 days and days talking to me about the my Higher Power. years. tried “too young for AA.” AA program at meetings, in all-night I hang around after my home group The third woman I am sponsoring is “Kay,” she said, “you are a fortunate coffeeshops, in the park, in the zoo, at meetings and fire off my one-liners: you twenty-three and has over two years of young woman – we’ve got what you the beach – anywhere and evety- did good, come back, do you have a sobriety. Two statements she says she need.” She paused a minute and then where, they were there. sponsor, just don’t drink, hang in, hang hates to hear are: “Oh my goodness, said, “Let’s get with it, huh?” They talked about every aspect of tough, here’s my phone number, call you’re so young,” and “You’re only And I “got with it” -May 22,1962. the Twelve Steps and Twelve Tradi- me anytime. And if they call, that’s twenty?”She says these statements I had no idea how to live without al- tions, the principles, the disease, spon- great; if not, that’s okay too. I don’t make her feel as if she couldn’t make a cohol. I didn’t know how to work, sorship, Twelfth Step calls, establishing have everybody’s message but if we decision about being alcoholic and she cook, eat, talk, care about myself or conscious contact with a Higher Pow- keep them coming back somebody will. couldn’t know the pain and devasta-

tion of acute alcoholism. have to be to die from drinking? Yo!” For my sake as well as the well-being she said, “Gimme respect.” of the women I sponsor I stay within Yo! kid. You’ll get it from me as it what I know. 1 tell them I’m not moth- was given to me. Young people get my er, sister, favorite aunt, therapist, coun- attention and my understanding for selor, guru, spiritual advisor, AA what they’re trying to do to stop drinkauthority, and sometimes not even a ing and change their lives. I love them friend. I’m just another drunk who because they know they have a probdidn’t drink and didn’t die for thirty- lem with alcohol, and they have the three years and I know how to stay guts to do something about it. Alcosober one day at a time in AA. I share holism is not an old person’s disease. my experience, strength, and hope. Nobody gets to AA by mistake. Also in order not to cloud the issue Young people need the same accepof getting sober and staying sober in tance, love, understanding, consisten- AA, I stay away from terms such as re- cy and time we give anyone who walks late, relationships, co-dependency, in- through the doors of AA for the first ner child, dysfunctional, adult child of time or after a slip or after twenty-five an alcoholic, drugs, the Bible, etc., etc., slips. I hope by our words, deeds and etc. It is my experience that these con- presence we make it known we are cepts get in the way of learning the AA willing to give them what they need. way of life, and quite honestly I don’t The AA I knew back in 1962 told know what they mean in relation to so- me, “Come on in, we’ve been waiting briety. for you, we’ve got what you need.” The Each generation has its own unique AA I know today says, “Come on in, problems; times change, people we’ve been waiting for you, we’ve got change, and language may change. But what you need.” the disease of alcoholism does not If old-timers don’t tell young people change. It always kills. In thirty-three this, who will? years of sobriety 1 have not seen this Pass it on. change. Kay P., Beaumont, Ex. The resolution of active alcoholism is death or AA. One time when someone had pulled the “You’re so young” routine on my twenty-year-old sober alcoholic, she asked, “Where in the Big Book does it say you have to be forty or fifty to stay drunk all day?Where is it written there is an age requirement?How old do you

February 1996

Teachable n~ t predclidbte

M y sobriety date in AA is Sep- covery as an active member of a young tember 10, 1963 (one day people’s group. After I shared, the floor before my twenty-first birth- was open for questions and the first day), and my home group during my question came from a young man: first five years of sobriety was the Un- “Yeah, lady, but how old are you now?” der 40 Group in Long Beach, Califor- Then an adolescent treatment cennia. During those years I was almost ter began bringing a vanload of young always the youngest person in atten- people to my home group. We were a dance at any meeting. Therefore, small group, and soon many of us felt some of my friends felt I should be overwhelmed with the influx of very uniquely qualified to work with young young newcomers. One by one the oldpeople coming to the Fellowship. er members began leaving our group to I had one unfortunate handicap attend other meetings in the area, and when it came to this type of Twelfth soon there were only three or four reg- Step work – I didn’t like young peo- ular group members. I considered leavple! I frequently stated that I hadn’t ing, too. I wasn’t hearing what I liked teenagers when I was one, I didn’t thought I needed to hear. Then I relike my children when they were membered our primary purpose – to teenagers, and I still didn’t like carry the message to the alcoholic who teenagers. When asked to share with still suffers. young people in AA I did so, but nev- But how could 1 cany the message to er felt that I was very effective in car- people younger than my children rying the message to them. not my message, or what they wanted O n one occasion I spoke to a group to hear, but the message of recovery of teenagers in a treatment center for found in Alcoholics Anonymous? adolescents. I stressed my teenage al- What could I say after more than twen- . coholism and the beginnings of my re- ty years of sobriety that they would re-

late to? What was it that had helped and recovery. me to stay sober one day at a time? I After about seven years, I retired and began with the idea that above all I moved to a new home in another state. needed to be honest with these new- I visit my old area infrequently but alcomers. If there is one thing that will ways return to that old home group. turn off a drunk it is being conned. And on a recent visit what I found So I explained in our group how un- there was what I had found when I first comfortable I was. In doing so, I recog- chose to make the group my home nized that my dislike of young people group. Several of those first young peowas in large part fear of rejection. I told ple had stayed sober for up to ten years, the young people that I wouldn’t leave and they’d shared with younger newmy group, that I would stay and try to comers the things they’d experienced. share my experience, strength, and The group is alive and well, and the hope with them. (And I did what I said program is working. I would do; I had learned about com- What did I learn from this experimitment in the program.) ence?That alcoholism is the same re- I was honest about what had and gardless of the age of the newcomer, . had not worked for me, and I tried to and that the principles of the program talk to this group as I would to any oth- still work. I can allow my fears to drive er. I didn’t try to be a ~seudo-teenager. me away from the principles of the pro- I recently saw a quotation that I liked: gram no matter how long I have been “Practice what you preach, and then without a drink, but when I become forget the preaching.” Outside the willing to trust God, clean house, and meeting I might be an authority figure, work with others (regardless of age, sex, a parent, an adult. Inside the meeting creed, or other superficial differences), I was another alcoholic, and I shared I still can continue to grow in recovery. . about my experience with alcoholism Mickey H., Springwilk, Utah

February 1996

life turned inside out and upside down Make no mistake. I’m not talking by a work-related injury. He was twen- about a group of self-pitying, bleeding ty years sober, in his early fifties, and deacons. This was no whine and wail, serving as our area’s alternate delegate. group depression meeting. It was about Both his recovery sponsor and I en- finding the solutions within the spiricouraged him to live the Steps and to tual principles of the Steps and Tradishare his experiences with other alco- tions, and passing on that learned holics. So off he went (reluctantly, I experience to the new generation. might add), trying to be as open and All of us in that workshop had anhonest as he could with other AAs – other common bond: we had all served just as the Preamble suggests. The re- AA as members of the General Service sult?Not an uncommon one in the last Conference, and many of us have re-

T he words of the Preamble, does depend upon those coming to our ten years. He was hit with one verbal ceived the same get-lost-we-know-it- “share their experience, halls today. slap on the hand after another. Exam- all arrogance when attempting to pass a

strength and hope with each When sharing at AA meetings, I ale ples?”You’ve been sober twenty years on what we’ve learned from yprs of other,” jumped into my head when I ways try to include a thank-you to – you should be able to handle this!” service to AA beyond the home group. . read the Grapevine’s invitation in its those old-timers who wrapped their “You’re having difficulties?Your sobri- What I am saying is that there’s a grow- , . June 1995 issue. The text?”Old-timers collective arms around me and showed ety must #%&@I!” Hello?Excuse me? ing personality-based disregard within are the heart and soul of the Fellow- me the way out. Just as importantly, I’m A year and a half ago, at a regional AA today for. the lessons learned ship, but young people are its future. grateful that I was desperate enough to event, I was asked to step in at the last through first-hand experience. How can old-timers reach out to a listen. minute to chair a workshop. The top- The war cry heard at group, district, new generation of AAs?” How, in- Old-timers passed on to me the im- ic was “Walking Through Adversity and area level is, “I’m not sure what my . deed? portance of embracing and living the with the Twelve Steps.” Of the three job is. No one stayed around to show Nice idea: old-timers reaching out to Twelve Traditions; they told me that panelists, two were sober more than me.” When those of us who have been a new generation of M s . But perhaps without adherence to the Traditions, thirty years and had had to contend there attempt to pass on what we’ve another question needs to be addressed our AA groups will die (as my first with extraordinary emotional and spir- learned, the reaction is, “When are you first. If -and I suspect that is a ques- home group did, which is a story in it- itual trauma in the preceding twelve going to rotate!” The information is tionable “if’ – if old-timers do reach self). They taught me, for example, months. They shared that the response thrown away and we’re criticized for out, will the new generation really lis- that while Tradition Three threw AA’s they’d gotten at the local, home group not knowing how to “let go.” ten? doors wide open, it did not give me the level was no different than the experi- I have no doubt that us old-timers . From my own learned experience I right to dilute AA’s singleness of pur- ence of my service sponsee. One by (whether in years sober or in years in can share that, yes, there are many pose. one, many of the forty AAs in the service) will continue to make the efyoung-in-age AAs, as well as those So what’s the problem? In the last room confirmed that they, too, had fort, to reach out to the new generayoung in sobriety, who hunger for decade, I have seen first-hand a rapid similar encounters and they shared tion. The question is, will the new knowledge, who want to investigate increase in the harsh rejection and their relief at discovering that they generation stop, look, and listen? Ex- AA’s beginnings, who do make the rude dismissal of AAs sober twenty, were not alone in their painful experi- perience, strength, and hope: I hope time for AA in their fast-lane sched- thirty, and forty years by the newer ences. Not exactly a resounding testi- that’s what we’re still all about. AA’s ules, who do actually read AA’s histor- generation of AAs. About three years monial for the condition of our future depends on it. ical literature. AA’s future and unity ago, one of my service sponsees had his meetings. Annemarie M ., Raydam, Mass.

March 1996 ? ‘ t

nobody had anything really. I don’t anywhere else. And there was a humean we were hungry, I don’t mean manity in all of us for each other. I was that. I had an apartment and so forth. so welcome. It was the first time 1 felt But we were all sort of starting from welcome. scratch. We used to go down to Greenwich Village .and eat for fifty cents by GV: You did a lot of Twelfth-Stepcalls candlelight. in those days. There was great camaraderie in the Nancy F.: O h yes, we went everyclubhouse. It was on Ninth Avenue where. We’d go on buses all over to and Forty-First Street. Nobody was on speak. People’s houses, or rented rooms. witk b e art dw u i Ninth Avenue and Forty-First Street in So many lived in such lonely rooms, those days, so the all by themselves, no first time I went to a bathroom. “The Independent meeting, I thought there would be a When I came into AA I was about thirbunch of bums. ty-nine years old. Then I thought, That was in 1945. you’re one too, so There was another you better get over woman who was as there. I decided not young as I was, and to get dressed up be- they picked us to go NANCY E being interviewed. I never thought cause I didn’t want to to hospitals and drymuch about my story, to tell you the look better than ing-out places be-

N rmcy F. is the author of “The Independent Blonde, ” which appeared in the Second Edition of truth. I don’t even think 1 knew it was in the Big Book.

the Big Book. She was interviewed in the GV: So your story was picked because Grapevine’s offices by the Managing Edi- someone knew you? everybody else, and when I got there, Park Avenue was there and everybody was there. So I cause we were younger and presentable. In those days, if you were a drunk from a rich tor mul a s t .member. Nancy F.: We all knew each other in learned my lesson – family, – you .. they. put . those days. Because we were all in one never think you’re better than anybody away. You were hidden in hospitals and clubhouse. else, just go. It was quite an education all kinds of places. So she and I bought to see how everybody was suffering the little hats with flowers on them and we GV: How did your story get in the Big GV: It was a small world, wasn’t it? same disease. I met people like Felicia had little black dresses andparls, and Book? Nancy E: Absolutely, and we were all [see “Stars Don’t Fall” interview in the that’s how we’d go. I was very naive; I Nancy F.: We had several writers together. In those days, nobody was August 1995 Grapevine]. I never knew said, “Gee, there’s bars on the windows around and they wrote my story. I anybody. Not like today. Nobody had a princess before. I never knew a and no doorknobs.” I saw so many didn’t write the story – someone any money, everybody was poor. Every- countess before! I can tell you, I never young, young rich women, incarcerated wrote it for me. I don’t even remember .body was coming back from the war, so could have gotten anything like that by their families. I

Once we went to the apartment of “You’re jealous of me because I’ve had a Miss X [a celebrated actress] and she few drinks and you can’t have any.” I told us such wonderful stories, we for- said, “You’re so right.” The rich ladies got why we were there. We didn’t have used to come down from Connecticut the nerve to tell her that she was a on Friday night and they’d look at Andrunk. Later she did get sober. nie, and she was poor, she was uneducated, she had nothing, and she was GV: Did you take literature on Twelfth having a ball. She was having the best Step calls? time she’d ever had in her life. And Nancy F.: There wasn’t much litera- there was no way, looking at Annie, ture. We’d just go and talk and be that you could complain. These friendly and say how long we were in women couldn’t say their alimony was AA and where to go to meetings. But cut off or they were getting divorced our intensity when we were talking to because Annie was sitting there with drunks was very effective, because they not a word of complaint. She had a knew how we felt. They knew that we quality that was so easy, so simple. She cared about them. And nobody had used to curse a lot when she spoke and cared about them in so long. So that’s a priest would be in the audience and how it worked for us. We didn’t have she’d say, “Excuse me, Father, but I’m any spiel of any kind. We’d say, “You’ll trying to be careful.” . be okay, and you’ll go to meetings with us and we’ll come and get you, and if well, I could hardly wait to go on those something’s got to be wrong with you GV: Was this Annie the cop-fighter, you have any trouble, call us right Twelfth Step calls. I didn’t care if some- or they wouldn’t have thrown you out. whose story was also in the Big Book? away.” It was very simple but very ef- body lived in Philadelphia or Hoboken And they tell me that psychologically Nancy F.: That’s right. She lived on fective. or Timbuktu, I would go. I was so eager I felt abandoned by my mother. So First Avenue across from a church. She I didn’t like the families in the be- to give what I had. I went right from here I was in AA and there were peo- got sober and then she got dwnk again ginning. I was mad at the families. I the First Step to the last Step. For me ple who told me I had something and and she went up to High Watch Farm, wouldn’t talk to anybody but the alco- it was just wonderful. I got in with peo- that they had the same thing that I had and when she came back, I said to her, holic. A friend of mine said to me, ple and I cared for somebody. You see, I – you can’t imagine how important “Now you have to make an amends “Nancy, I think that it’s time that you had never cared for anybody, not even that was. list, but don’t tell me your story because begin to accept families.” And I said, myself. When you care for somebody, One woman at the clubhouse was a you’ll hate me if you do. You’ve got to . “Do I have to?” She said, “I think that you begin to heal yourself. You don’t scrublady and I think I learned more find somebody you can tell your story it would be a good idea.” I respected even know it. from her than anybody. She lived in a to. You can have a priest or Dr. Silkher but I thought, I’ll think it over but I left home when I was fourteen. My tenement house, happy as a lark. Her worth or whoever you want.” She said, I’m not ready yet. mother died when I was three, my fa- name was Annie and she came in “I’ll take a priest.” So we found a good I had never felt like I was anything ther remarried when I was fourteen, when she was sixty-seven and she died old fellow of a priest and I said, “Now in my whole life, that I had anything and my step-mother threw me out. when she was about seventy-four. I was remember, he’s no better than you are to give and then here I was told that I When you’re thrown out, you don’t in a beginners meeting when she came so don’t be afraid of him. This isn’t had something to give someone – feel like you’re anything. You know in. And she laughed at me and said, confession, you’re just going to tell your

Every time somebody want- Nancy F.: I don’t think he was inter- the money at bars – threw it away. ed a job, I’d grab them and ested really. It just wasn’t his main Now go home, search your conscience, give them a permanent thing. He knew he wasn’t any good write a check, and send it in. Let’s wave, set them up to get the and he didn’t care and it wasn’t really move out of here with honor.” And most. important to him. He always used to that’s what we did. say, “If they want me to get sober on, GV: You mentioned Dr. Silk- they’ll never get sober.” He meant if GV: Do you see a big difference in worth. Did people regularly you wanted Bill W. to get you sober, meetings today? talk to him or see him? Nancy F.: There’s not as much giving that’s the first thing that would get you Nancy F.: Oh yes. If we were in drunk. and Twelfth Step work. People are busy trouble, we’d -go to Dr. Silkworth. and working harder, I guess, than we If we were in a situation and we GV: What about meetings?Did you go did. We seemed to have more time. didn’t know how to get out of it or to one a day? But I don’t know. 1 know we didn’t get were afraid we might get drunk, we Nancy F.: I went to the clubhouse eased off alcohol as people do now in could talk it over with him. He was a every day from eleven o’clock in the treatment centers. We went through it very simple, wonderful man. He said morning when they opened up until and I think it was a different experiwhole story.” They met at my apart- to me once, “The day that you can sit they closed at night. It was the only ence in humility and suffering. You’d ment and 1 made coffee and then I told down and just be honest with yourself place I felt safe. It was a church and be getting off a drunk for days. And Annie, “You come over afterward to in this situation, you will know what to they held the meetings in the church never be so miserable, never. I didn’t the meeting.” We had a Friday night do.” That was the kind of a man he part and then in the basement they know anything about pills. I never meeting a couple of blocks from there Was. had a card game, which I never knew. knew what a sleeping pill was. If you on Fifty-Eighth Street. So she came But I heard later there were very hot were not in that “set” you didn’t know over afterward and she was so relieved. GV: You knew Bill W. Did you ever go card games down there. You could eat about drugs. I never heard of cocaine, The first time she did go to confession, to Bill to talk? at the clubhouse too-upstairs we had people didn’t have it in those days. So she said, “Father, I’ll tell you every- Nancy F.: No, no! a restaurant. You could have coffee any it was different. It was only alcohol. thing, but don’t ask me how many time of the day and night. Eventually Now it’s quite different. People.willsay, times.” GV: Why not? we went broke. I remember we had two “I’m a druggie,” and make some of the I was in the hairdressing business Nancy F.: I was in awe of Bill. It would refrigerators and we used to say that alcoholics mad. I think if you’re sufferand Annie used to come to the beauty be like going to God! Also I didn’t only drunks would buy two refrigerators ing, you’re suffering, but I don’t have a shop I had and I used to charge her a think that was his job. But he was since we only needed one. Excessive strong opinion about it. dollar because I never wanted her to around all the time. behavior cost us. We were $5,000 in think I just gave her anything because debt and the landlord didn’t trust us GV: Tell us more about your early days. she was very proud. So I’d charge her a GV: Did he speak at meetings a lot? and wanted us to get out. Norman B. Nancy E: I was in a women’s group for dollar. One time she got a job up in the Nancy F.: Yes, he did and he was a was a great member and he gave every- many years. Marty M. had asked a country and they charged her six dol- lousy speaker. He said so himself – he body money; he was a rich man when woman named Elizabeth to have a *

lars and she said, “Hell, I can get it laughed at himself. He always thought he came in and he gave all his money women’s meeting in her home, because done for a buck up on Park Avenue.” I it was kind of funny. away. We had a meeting of a hundred she lived on Fifty-Eighth Street in midgave more permanent waves to people people, and Norman got up and said, town Manhattan. Elizabeth’s husband <‘!whohad never seen a beauty shop. GV: Why wasn’t he a good speaker? “You bunch of drunks, you’ve spent all was the alcoholic; she was not. For fif-

teen years I went there every Friday take lessons in speech.” So she sent me wasn’t going to work for her. 1 want to to and I said, “How can I prevent mynight until she gave it up. to George Dixon who coached Rex tell you, I never had such a difficult self from being frightened of old age? Once I had to hospitalize my land- Harrison in “My Fair Lady.” He had a thing. But I had to do it. I wouldn’t I’m watching a friend of mine who’s lady; this woman was a drunk and I put sign up over his door which said, “Cre- have liked myself if I didn’t. scared to death about getting old her into Knickerbocker Hospital. And ate yourself; everything else has been and she’s got a companion and chilthat night Elizabeth said, “Nancy did done.” I went there for a year. I went GV: You were married? dren and everything. How can I prethe most wonderful thing : churches, psychology, Nancy F.: I met my husband when I vent it?”And he said, “Go to school.” I thought, what did I therapy. Whatever she worked on a ship. He was an officer on So I did. do? I had never been suggested, I would do. a ship; he was a big tough man, very praised before and I She was the one that handsome. He was in the Navy during GV: What did you study? felt so warm inside and taught me that there the war. He could drink and never get Nancy F.: Behavioral science. A lot of I thought, This is won- was something inside drunk. Well, he got drunk but he was psychology and sociology. derful. And then I of me – that I could never like I was. I was sloppy. Somethought, Maybe there do things. times I’d go to sleep and some- GV: Did you have a career goal is something about me You know, Marty M. times I’d fight. I’d say that she sees. If a bv [a founder of what is things that I didn’t have woman like that sees now the National the courage to say when I something in me, Council on Alco- was sober. One day he Nancy E: I just knew I maybe there is some- holism] was going to beat me right down to a wanted to spend my thing. Elizabeth started hire me as a speaker. pulp and 1 took care of time in some way and 1 me off, she encouraged She sent me to Yale to myself from that day on. loved to learn and I me. Whatever she told take alcoholic studies When I left him, I just me to do, I did. She and I was thrilled. Oh took my coffeepot, no furtook me in sort of as a my God, I thought, I niture. He put his mother in member of their fami- won’t have to work our house. She was a sweet ly. For the first five hard, I’ll go there and lady, and I went up to see her out. I always went out years, I did nothing but I’ll go around speaking. and I looked at that furniture and on Saturday night. And at six-thirgo to AA. I couldn’t do anything else Oh it will be marvelous. Because I had I said to myself, “The next time you be- ty on Sunday morning, I’d get up and -didn’t know anything else to do. to go out to hairdressing shows and 1 little yourself for sticks of wood, let me write my papers. I got people to help was scared to death to do that; I had to know.” And I never asked anybody for me. The day I passed algebra, I was GV: Then you started your hairdress- improve my skills and work hard and anything again. I found the answers in coming down Fifth Avenue and I was ing career? go into business and learn about labor myself, which was the greatest thing crying and laughing. I thought,”I know Nancy E: I was in business for twenty- laws and all that. See, I didn’t want to that ever happened to me. what makes me happy – accomplishsix years on my own. I always said to do that. Then Elizabeth said to me, ment, doing something that I never Elizabeth, “I’m afraid of everything.” “Do you think you should earn your GV: You went back to school in sobri- thought I’d be able to do.” I was exhil- And she said, “But that never stops you living over what’s wrong with you!” ety ? arated. from doing things.” She just nurtured “Oh,” I said, “is that what I’d be doing? Nancy F.: I went to high school in my A friend told me, “Work hard and me. I told her I should take lessons in No, no that’s not what I want to do.” fifties and went to college when I was try to get an A.” He was working for , English, and she said, “No, you should. So I came back and told Marty that I seventy. I called up a therapist I’d gone me to get cum laude and I didn’t know

what he was doing and I said to myself, was mad at men and I didn’t want any “I’m lucky if I stay in school, let alone authority figures. I had a human being get an A.” But he nurtured me, you in my mind as God. I didn’t know if I know. Everybody nurtured me. I gradu- was more scared of God or my father. ated cum laude. I really enjoyed it. But after I got sober I went everywhere. When I graduated, the graduates had I went to a man who taught that if you to walk several blocks – I was on my think right, you’ll be all right. I went to cane then -and all my friends were places for two or three years. I went in the car driving along behind me. searching around. I believe that there’s They thought I was going to faint and a universal something in the world. they said, “Get in the car.” And I said, And I don’t question it too much, but I “Get in the car? My God, I worked know it’s there. If I behave right, I’m nine and half years for this. If you think tuned in on it. I believe in a force be- I’m not going to walk in this parade, cause I experienced relief from myself you’re crazy!” It was a wonderful expe- and my emotional problems when I rience. first got sober. You know, everything comes up, one right after the other. GV: Do you miss it, a little bit? It makes you dizzy. Nancy E: No, I live in a Quaker community where there’s a lot of things be- GV: So whatever defensiveness or ing done. I’m teaching English to feistiness you had about the Eleventh migrant workers. Step, you managed to resolve it. Nancy F.: Yes, but I didn’t go deeply GV: Are you a Quaker? into a lot of things. For example, mak- Nancy E: Yes, now I am. I’ve been a ing amends -there was nobody left to Quaker for two years. They do things. I make amends to. I was by myself. But I like that. It impressed me that a lot of went back to my job, because I had women had lived wonderfullives, men quit my job, and I made amends like too. So I said to them, “How do you get that. But 1 didn’t do very much other to be a Quaker?”And they said, “You than work with people. I’m much betjust write a letter.” So I said okay, and 1 ter that way than I am on trying to wrote a letter. solve the mysteries of life. Working with people, that’s where I get my sat- GV: How did you feel about a Higher isfaction. Power when you came into AA? AA has given me so much. AA was Nancy E: I didn’t believe in God, and the greatest education I ever got. 1 didn’t want to hear anything about it. Where else could I have gotten that But I said maybe there’s a power with- kind of education? For nothing. For a out him. I was mad at my father and I , dollar a week?k.

April 1996

Old-Timers Corner

Facing the Future, It was a little over thirty years ago that I had my last drink. My high& spects Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’d like to see it stay respectable i;case ei- Without the Froth power remains the sense I have that AA is a power higher than I am, and part of a- greater whole. I still don’t ther of my beloved granddaughters, now verv small. should ever need it. And theie are other people’s children

w know how to talk to it, though some- and grandchildren to think about too, en I came to AA, they told was a power among these people that times when I say the Lord’s Prayer at to say nothing of me. me my higher power could was even stronger than the continuing meetings that does seem like a good So I get very passionate in defense of be AA as a whole. They told pull of the booze. I could turn my will way. I do meditate, and that seems to AA and its Traditions. So passionate me that a lot, because the only thing and my life over to it, and had, almost keep me receptive to it. that my voice sometimes gets shrill, that bothered me about this amazing in spite of myself. And it was doing But when I’m thinking about the and the old impatience begins to take outfit of alcoholics I’d found was the great things – I wasn’t drinking. strains on AA’s Traditions that I see, over again. Some of my AA friends way they went on about talking to God So I went to meetings and stayed like anonymity-breaking and the con- have helped me to look at this, and I and Turning It Over. I hadn’t had any plugged into the power, and they told fusion of AA with other twelve-step can see that the more upset I get about luck talking to God in a long time; I me sooner or later it would turn into programs, treatment modalities, and so onslaughts on the Traditions, the more wasn’t so sure that God existed. When God, and I could talk to him the way on, I can get pretty worked up pretty my concept of a higher power narrows. I tried to pray I had a strong sense that so many of them did. Gradually, with fast. I don’t want AA turned into some I see AA as in danger, and that means nobody was listening. But my sponsor the help of the Steps, I learned how to New Age refuge for dysfunctionah with that God as I understand it is in danhelped me to see that booze had been stay away from the booze, and 1 learned endless disorders and a piece of jargon ger. a power greater than any power I could a lot about living without it, enough to for every human condition. It looks to One of my AA friends has diagnosed muster to get myself out of its clutches. “intuitively know what to do in situa- me as if the rest of the world still re- me as spiritually stuck, and she may be And I could see for myself that there tions that had formerly baffled” me.

right. I don’t feel as if my sobriety is in Okay, AA has been my salvation. danger at all but it could be, if 1 don’t But I begin to see that it can’t be my leam to separate my concern for AA’s sole higher power. You leam something future b m fear for my own “salvation.” new every day in this outfit. What I’m . I

I Salvation is an odd word to use if, like working on now is learning more about ! me, you have trouble calling your high- God, as I try to understand it. ,I er power God or even “him.” But AA Marcia T.,Tucson,Ariz. I 1 has been my salvation, and the danger of its dilution by well-meaning souls who want to use AA to heal all the ills I of the world scares me, a lot. And you I can imagine how I react to the notion that anonymity is an out-of-date idea. A little fear, as lots of us know, can be a good thing. It can motivate me to look at the Traditions and reflect on their importance. But if in the process I get so righteous about anonymity or singleness of purpose that I’m close to frothing at the mouth, I’m doing nei- I ther me nor the AA cause any good.

May 1996

Old-Timers possibly send me back to drinking. ers to the extent that I was afraid to Some people talk about fear as if it look at them, and they became Corner were some sort of disease that needs to changeable boundaries once I conbe removed before we can get on with fronted them. They were all I knew the business of getting better. That about who I was. I wasn’t afraid of behasn’t been my experience. Step Four coming good, but of becoming extinct. recommends a fearless and searching I didn’t want to look like the hole in moral inventory of ourselves. But I can the donut. tell you I was plenty afraid to do that Bill W. tells us that self-centered fear Step and even more afraid of Step is the chief activator of all our defects. Five, where you had to teU someone. If But how am I to become conscious of I’d waited until I was no longer afraid, these defects if they don’t get my at- I never would have done either. I was tention – and how more forcefully

Eye of the afraid because these are scary things to do. Own up to your own baggage?Tell someone your faults? Nothing I had than through my fears?When I bring calm, thoughtful reflection to bear on these fears and discuss them-with my

Hurricane done before coming to AA had prepared me to take this Step. Experience has shown me that fear sponsors, 1 can come away with a lot of awareness about how fear does play through my life and makes me do can be an early warning system when things that make me and others unsomething is wrong. Just as pain oper- happy. Fear is a pervasive and corrosive ates in the body, fear can operate thread that runs through thq fabric of But more was required than just

I t is often said in AA that fear is in the psyche. It may be saying: you our lives, yes. And unless I look at the absence of faith. But my own physical sobriety. It’s easy to be posi- better take a look at this; some- these fears and deal with them 1 may experience has taught me that fear tive when everything is going my way. thing isn’t right. When I was drinking, lapse back into active alcoholism. But can be a stage of faith. But when I’m headed into a dark tun- I was bulletproof. I wasn’t afraid of maybe fear is part of the process of be- It was fear that drove me to Alco- nel, full of fear, not knowing what the anything- that is, until I woke up the coming conscious. Fears are like lightholics Anonymous in the beginning outcome will be, then faith is really put next morning and started putting to- houses on a reef, warning me of because I was getting into scary situa- to the test. gether the pieces of the night before. dangerous obstacles to recovery. They tions. After trying and failing to get Where is my faith when I have got- Then I was afraid, and usually with are useful. Ablutely nothing in God’s sober for a long time, I started to be ten into a painfully dependent rela- good reason. world goes to waste, not even my fears. afraid that I’d never be able to do it. I tionship and my life is coming apart? What is it about Steps Six and Sev- So the real test of faith, in my expe- ‘ was afraid that the trouble I was hav- My faith at those times has got to be en that makes them so hard? I was rience, is not acting without fear, but ing with alcohol would get worse – in the program and in the people afraid that I wasn’t good enough to acting in spite of fear, trusting in the and it was that fear that got me to see whose sobriety I respect. Talking to make this program. I was afraid that outcome when you don’t know what my complete powerlessness. Fear them and following their suggestions, God didn’t believe in me. Afraid that the outcome is going to be. paved the way for the necessary will- I can walk through and out of the fear I would disappear without my defects. I I had to go through surgery in my ingness to accept the First Step. that would otherwise paralyze me and thought my defects were my personal twenty-third year sober. 1 was living in boundaries! Actually they were barri- Denver, thousands of miles from fami-

Old-Tlnmrs Cormar I!# idea that fear has to be cast out like a demon plays into the other old idea that I can handle anything that comes along. It supports the unexamined premise that faith is an eitherlor proposition, that either you have faith or you are afraid. That kind of black-and-white thinking was a big part of why I drank in the first place, filling me with shame, with judgments about myself and others, self-righteousness and the near-fatal notion that I had to be good to get better. The fact is, I had only to be willing. The goodness was all around me in AA as soon as 1 became teachable and started to exly and friends. The hospital made me perience the joy of not having to have sign a paper that said if I died, they all the answers or all the power needed wouldn’t be liable. The surgeon to effect the changes. warned me of a number of horrible, Faith, in my experience, is like bepossible outcomes, including paralysis. ing in the eye of a hurricane. All Was I fearful?Of course I was. But I around me are turmoil and chaos and didn’t have to drink and I didn’t have the fear of the unknown. But at the to run. Like tens of thousands of oth- center, where I live, there is this calm. ers in AA I went through something I can be calm about being afraid. 1 can scary and had faith that, somehow, be still, not in the absence of turmoil everything would be okay. (anybody can do that) but in the midst Sometimes I think the only thing I of it. have to fear is the fear of fear. The old JimN., W.Sprin&ld, Mass.

J u n e 1996

Old-Tlmers Corner &I haven’t drunk enough or lost enough In its long form the Third Tradition yet.” This almost scared me off, but it says ” . . . Nor ought AA membership was reading the Third Tradition that ever depend upon money or conformiconvinced me I belonged – because I ty. Any two or three alcoholics gath- – I wonder said I belonged. ered together for sobriety how many others might may call themselves an not have stayed had they AA group, provided that, not been accepted as as a group, they have no they were? Could it be other affiliation.” Let us that we are becoming so continue to honor the protective of our Society Third Tradition so that as to endanger its contin- more might live. uance by the loss of our Are we to ignore the . unconditional accep- wisdom of those who

Keeping the tance of new members? Over the past fifteen years or more, I haven’t went before us when they stated, “We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose Door Open worked with any “pure” alcoholics. A growing number of newcomers more to you and to us.” To read and hear what appear to be multiply ad- some old-timers say could dicted personalities. By give newcomers the iminflexibly prohibiting dis- pression that all the spir- The pamphlet “AA Tradition –

T he Third Tradition has provid- cussion of any topics not itual truths of the ed AA the basis for our sur- How It Developed” states that in the entirely related to alco- universe have been revival and success. When early days these same issues (drug users, hol, we may be eliminat- vealed to Alcoholics considering changes and arguments criminal elements, etc.) were cause for ing much of the Anonymous members. about membership, we need always much debate and added suffering. Bill experience, strength, and Do we now have the anconsider the Third Tradition. As old- pointed out that if we were to survive hope shared with and by swer to all alcoholic timers, we sometimes forget the hard- we must become inclusive not exclu- newcomers. To limit dis- ~roblems?This suggesearned and hard-fought past lessons. sive. If all the individual group’s mem- cussions in any way may tion would have shocked Thus, in the name of protecting the bership “rules” had been enforced at be reducing effective the first one hundred program’s primary purpose, we are in once, most of us would not have been sharing of our lives. members. danger of forgetting or neglecting the accepted into AA. ~ a ~ web e even run a One of the greatest Third Tradition. When I came into Today, by the grace of God and Tra- greater risk of preventing needed shar- dangers to AA is not the discussions of the program the most impressive as- dition Three, I have been granted over ing and condemning someone to issues other than alcohol, but rather pect the program presented to me was twenty-one years of sobriety. In the death, than the risk of diluting the pro- AA attitudes imposing restrictions on its all-inclusive not exclusive mem- early 1970s when I came in, it was gram with unrelated information discussions. bership requirements. common for old-timers to say, “You (whatever that is?). Anonymow, Jerome, Idaho

June 1996

Jack B. used to say, “Alcoholism is not do some pretty crazy things. The mind a sin, it is a disease. Nevertheless it is set that saved me was a real gift from the sinningest disease. So we have a lot God: it never entered my mind that my to write on our inventories.” We did answer lay anywhere but in AA. In my many Fourth and Fifth Steps at Ceta tenth to thirteenth years I contacted ~ l e nIn . the mid 1960s we were active AAs I had met all dver the U.S. for in Young People in AA, and in the late help in coming through all this sober 1960s we became involved in Intema- and sane. Chapter Five states “those tional Doctors in AA (IDAA). I was who suffer from grave emotional and traveling around to AA meetings mental disorders do recover if they “beating the drum” have the capacity to on working the be honest.” During Twelve Steps. I com- this period I stayed pared the Twelve in AA not only on “Growing Up Steps to ExLax with statements like, “You the “sobriety” clause of our program, but don’t have to believe also on the “emo- All Over Again” or understand the Twelve Steps, but if you just take them, tional and mental disorder” clause. I took many postgradyou will get a result!” uate dental courses, I I remember asking spoiled all of my briety. Little did I know that it would Chuck C. (Laguna children, I got back more aptly fit my next twenty-eight Beach. California) into the counnv club K. is the author of “Growing years of sobriety in AA. My first decade what his toughest of sobriety had golf and tennis set, I married a lady Up All Over Again,” which in AA was a storybook recovery. My been. Chuck had become a good friend bank vice-president, but I did pray a lot + origdy appeared in the Feb- second marriage was an AA marriage and advisor, and he replied, “My tenth too, I took numerous Fifth Steps, and I ruary 1969 Grapevine as an article titled and went well; we were blessed with a year.” In my tenth year my wife, Pat, made a number of amends (particular- “Coming of Age in Sobriety” and was lat- little red-headed daughter. I didn’t lose had gone back to college, and she sud- ly to my old patients and a big finaner tetitkd for the Third Edition of the Big my dental license after all and my prac- denly decided that she didn’t want to cial amend to my first father-in-law). Book. H. K. chose not to be interviewed tice grew; I began to hold a number of be married anymore. She wanted to In all my frantic searching and runfor this series, but sent dong the fobwing offices in the dental society. Our AA pursue a career in psychology. This re- ning around, my third marriage lasted wpdate instead. commitment continued, and we even ally threw me for a loop. It took over a only briefly. I had to admit that 1 was got to meet Bill W. We also became year for this divorce to be final; I pro- somewhat baffled at what had hapfriends with Clarence S. Guided by my crastinated in the proceedings because pened to my storybook recovery. Life sponsors, Bob W. (Whitney, Texas) I hoped that Pat might change was tougher than I thought it was sup- When I used the expression “growing and Jack B. (Roanoke, Virginia), we her mind. posed to be. Suddenly something that up all over again,” I thought that I was started the Ceta Glen AA Conference I never drank or took any drugs Clarence had told me years before rang describing my first five years of AA so- at a church camp near Happy, Texas. when and after this happened, but I did a bell, “In the early days of AA, ‘First

Things First’ meant only one thing: self with Paul M. (Riverside, Ill.). Paul ‘Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things . . . I was bb

Life was tougher was another old-timer who had stayed active in AA, who advocated working shall be added.’ ” I decided to move to and reworking the Steps, who was al- Hankii,N.Y. to be near Tom !F At an ways ready to “swap a Fifth Step” (one IDAA meeting in 1968 Tom had of Paul’s original terms), who always taught me repetitive prayer (Lord Jesus somewhat baffled than thought wanted to know where you were with Christ, Have Mercy on Me) to use for your amends, who wanted to know if ten minutes a day in my Eleventh Step your tithing was up to date, and who time. Tom had been sponsored by Bill and lived in a community which em- a t what had was supposed wanted to know how long you were spending in your Eleventh Step time. phasized working the Twelve Steps (“Everything is connected, you know,” with the Four Absolutes as a yard stick. he would say.) It was a 110-mile round God had led me to what I needed. happened t o my trip drive to his La Grange meeting, In moving to New York I did learn t o be.” but I was addicted to old-timers by now how God changes my life if1 let go ab- and always made it on Wednesdays. solutely. Not only did I learn more I’m still active in AA; I go to two about working the Twelve Steps and storybook recovery. other meetings a week in my home using the Four Absolutes, but due to town. I “swap Fifth Steps” every two circumstances I could not predict, my weeks on Sunday at five. I still need red-headed daughter, Cinamon, came AA desperately. You see, I am now to live with me: moreover due to the community. We had many difficult Canada that in the summer of 1978 we sober three times longer than I drank. I physical problems of people in the times in the office. I had had a number moved to a farm in Northern Illinois to am sober some ten or more years than I community I was put in contact with a of years in AA and had had a successful be close to O’Hare Airport. was sober growing up before I began to number of devoutly Christian holistic dental practice in Texas. Financially, The girls had horses, goats, calves, drink. My marriage to Diane, a lady I doctors. These men took me on as a Diane didn’t need the job. Our egos re- chickens, and cats. We had an organic love dearly, has now lasted longer than pupil and literally changed the way I ally clashed. Two “self-wills run riot.” garden. We remodeled an old farm- all my other three marriages put topractice dentistry to this day. Our Big We were continually being led to work house into a home-office. The high- gether. All new and uncharted waters Book says “Be quick to see where reli- through these problems with the light of our move was when our son for me! gious people are right”! I spent many Twelve Steps and with help from other was born the first day of spring of 1981 Carrying the message pays off big. As years before then criticizing religious AAs and Al-Anons in the communi- on the farm with all the natural things my story in the Big Book states: my fapeople and not listening to anything ty. On my forty-fifth birthday I married we had learned about childbirth and ther’s sponsor started AA in Amarillo, they had to offer. Thank God at this Diane in the community church and health in general. This was a long way Texas and got me into dental college. time in my life I was willing to learn. her black-haired daughter, Kristi, be- from my being drunk during the birth My father, an attorney, made arrange- In the process of all this I hired as came Cinamon’s step-sister. We had of my first two children, and my wife ments for one of his wealthy client’s my dental assistant, Diane, a rather over three years of this healing envi- Diane’s first husband not even being nieces to get dried out and into AA. ‘ snobbish society lady Al-Anon, who ronment for all of us. My holistic prac- present at Kristi’s birth. This lady some thirteen years later had also moved to New York from an- tice grew to such an extent with Another bonus in our move to came and took me to my first meeting. other part of Texas to be part of the patients from all over the U.S. and northern Illinois was to reassociate my- In the mid 1960s I sponsored a painter,

and in the early 1970s I sponsored an problems so common to this present Steps. This is what they have helped approach the Absolutes as you do base attorney. When my oldest daughter, generation. Finances were often tight. me to do. stealing: sometimes it isn’t how big a Katrina, was in a mental and emotion- As parents we got to make some A few people might question using lead you have, it is which way you are al mess in the 1980sshe called me from amends to situations we had messed up the Four Absolutes in this day and leaning at a certain moment. I may Amarillo. “Dad, I’ve tried the church in in our youth. Most of all, in our time. I sincerely believe that were I not never be a skilled practitioner of the and the psychiatrist, and I don’t know troubles we learned, first, how to pray 1 in AA, these would be impossible for Absolutes and that’s not important. what to do.” My quick question was, “without ceasing,” second, how much me to even consider: however in AA What is important is whether I’m lean- “Would you try Al-Anon? I know a we had to have God in our lives, as we “claim spiritual progress, not spiri- ing in the direction of the Four Abpainter’s wife and an attorney’s wife well as the spiritual awakening as the tual perfection.” This makes the Four solutes as I continue to work the who are great Al-Anons, and I’ll call result of our Steps. I Absolutes quite practical. I have been Twelve Steps at this moment. them to come see you.” As a result of I have had to grow out of the imma- one of Scott’s baseball coaches, and I H. K., Marengo, 111. that, my daughter is doing great as a ture idea that because I am sober in mother, a wife, and a teacher, and is AA, God should suspend the laws of still an active member of Al-Anon. My his universe so that he can shower conson Scott has been sold on AA from tinual good experiences on me. My first the time he was old enough to talk to sponsors Howard M. and Ralph G. our AA friends, like Paul, and the men used to say, “A spoiled brat like you I sponsor in the program. He claims to shouldn’t have trouble figuring out the be the Cal Ripken of the Marengo Third Step: just do what you don’t open AA meeting as he hasn’t missed a want to do, and don’t do what you meeting since its inception. His want to do!” This still applies today. If teenage honesty, openness, and enthu- I really want to practice the AA way of siasm for AA’s spiritual way of life keeps life, I’d better hang my ego on the coat us young, and also motivated to help rack, roll up my sleeves, and go to new people work the Steps. You just work! can’t outgive AA! Every alcoholic feels that his or her I think that 1have grown up enough situation is different. I thought that to realize that life’s journey can often traveling and moving all over the U.S. be tough. All the great spiritual books, and being involved with many of the for example, the Holy Bible and the AAs who were instrumental in AA’s Philokalia, state this rather emphati- growth in the 1940s and 1950s would cally. Although God’s grace shining teach me something unusual or unique. through our AA program does give us a Fortunately, this is not what I found. I touch of paradise on earth, God’s grace found that as 1 had troubles and asked through our program strengthens us for the old-timers what they had done, I the blows of life which come to us all. discovered that they all did pretty We lost Diane’s father and my mother much the same thing. They all folin the space of nine months. Our lowed the same path. They got rigordaughters got into some of the teenage ously honest and retook the Twelve

July 1996

Old-Timers to feel much better physically. My new friend agreed to go to a meeting. It was found friends in AA helped me to feel decided I was well enough to take her. Corner much better about my inner self before That would have been fine but in a very long. later phone conversation between the Only ten days after my last drink, I two of us, we decided that since she was taken by an older member on my liked to drive and I didn’t, she’d pick first Twelfth Step call. A Twelfth Step me up. This is never a good idea with a call is when you carry the message of new member. I soon learned this the hope to a prospective hard. way.- . (Now . I member. – (Some wonder it there is any members use the … – YOU don ‘t other way for an alcoholic to learn any- Stem to climb out of

‘The Harder We . the mess they are in and others see fit to –.- – ~

ignore them. This is have to be thing!) She arrived on up time to pick me – a good omen I

Chased Them, the safe for a while, but as drunk a // the thought. noticed . .~ u I t . she was soon.

drithe years roll by it is easy to see which ving “funny.” I didn’t time to be an Faster They Ran’ ~ a t hhas been followed.) On my first Twelfth alcoholic smell anything, . . but

wasn’t knowledgeable about pills at that . -I

Step call, I was fright- time. It’s obvious to enkd out of my wits. me now that she

I t came as a shock to most of my family when I went to AA. Both my grandmothers, along with my mother and several aunts, were active in the Women’s Christian Tempercouldn’t predict with certainty which times. The last and worst year of my drinking I was given a national award for distinguished service to children by “Don’t be nervous,” knew all about the the older member told me. “The only little bottles of ills along with the big thing you have to do is keep your bottles of alcohol. mouth shut and your ears open. Watch She drove rather fast, and I must say a well-known and much-respected or- what I do and listen to what I say and it startled me when she used a part of ance Union. The favorite and most ganization. So you see, you don’t have someday we’ll give you a drunk of your the sidewalk for a U-turn. I hesitated treasured piece of jewelry my mother’s to be drunk all the time to be an alco- to say anything about her driving own to work with.” mother possessed was her “White Rib- holic. I wasn’t drunk all the time but habits when we had just met and all. I We soon pulled up in front of what bon” pin. She wore it with pride and I’m an alcoholic. held my peace and somehow we got to appeared to be a haunted house. The . in between wearings kept it on a pin One spring day in 1950 I landed screen door was hanging at a crazy an- the meeting safely. cushion on her bureau. I never met with a thud in AA. I cried a lot, I They say that God watches over gle with its screen tom out in uneven her but I heard about the pin from an shook a lot, and sometimes my teeth patches. Inside we came upon a de- drunks and fools. That day was a busy older relative. Luckily she was spared chattered. I had a convulsion on the spondent lady amid remnants of burnt one for him, because he had one of the unhappiness of seeing me drunk. sixth day after my last drink. each. The older AA member soon detoast. At the worst of my illness I was able After medical advice and help from I can’t recall the “magic words” spo- cided our newcomer belonged in a rest to function well sometimes, but I my doctor, I dried my tears and began ken by the older member, but our new home. Where she really belonged was

in a hospital, but hospitals weren’t all It was simple, like so much in the pro- that night I’ve gone to every hospital can do for me. Out there are the peothat willing to accept alcoholics in gram: “Please, dear God, don’t let this or jail I could reach and I’m glad I ple who need you.” those days. They often used another di- damn fool kill me now that I am have. However, I’d never recommend How bravely he went. As long as I agnosis, a tactic sometimes still em- sober.” it as a place for a person to make their live I’ll remember things he taught me ployed I’m sorry to report. Not much of a prayer, but a start. I first talk. It’s frightening to go to a state (mostly by his own good example). It was snowing hard the night we still find prayer a comfort and a help. hospital or a jail when you have never He was the best friend I’ve ever had “poured” her into a rest home. We got Most days I would hate to try to get been in one – yet. or ever expect to have. Oh, the drunks back home at three in the morning. through without it. “Yet” is a key word in AA because we chased together in the early days. She left two davs Time rushed by alcoholism is a progressive illness. We had yet to learn that the harder we later, complaining and the next thing Many people come to AA and never chased them, the faster they ran. bitterly that there I mentioned you know I hadn’t drink again, although most people do Before my friend died, he operated a was no TV and all had a drink for two it one day at a time. Others come and recovery home for alcoholics. He they talked about and a half months. stay for a while and go out to try it helped hundreds of people. One of was how to S ~ O P wasted effort; It was almost time again. Some of them try so hard they those he helped to find a new life was drinking. to start sharing the die trying. There are those who are my much-loved nephew, who is now I was miffed over all the wasted time / ha ve come to help I had been welcomed back sadder, wiser, and teachable. They learn to stay away able to be a good father and a decent husband.,He makes furniture that’s given. The secreand effort, to say tary of the group from one drink one day at a time and beautiful to behold. Many lives are afnothing of the risk know that there was trying to find soon develop a preference for sobriety. fected when one person is able to reto our lives in the speakers to go to Over the years I’ve been in AA I’ve cover. snow storm. I had a My friend and 1 had several people lot to learn. Later I is no such thing the state hospital. He asked me to go met the most wonderful people in the world and a few of the most difficult who led us on wild chases. There was helped put a man in and make my first ones as well (like anyhere else you go, one who was about to be thrown in the a rest home and he as wasted effort talk. I was too new really). “slammer” because of his peculiar had the presence of to know that some There are some who stand out in my drinking habits. We prevailed upon the mind to call a cab. people won’t speak mind. Some are among the living and judge to let us put him in a hospital in- He was home before in AA at all and others others have passed on. Some are drunk stead of jail. The judge agreed with sevwe were. never speak at hos- and others are sober. eral conditions. To wit: we were to The last word I pitals or jails. In One was a French Canadian who referee all family fights that had been had from my newcomer was a postcard AA you don’t have to do anything you was short of stature. His formal educa- running the local gendarmes ragged mailed in the Far West. It was signed don’t want to. But I didn’t know that tion had stopped at the third grade. He and we were to report back to the judge “Gypsy Girl.” From that time I wonder either. had a natural gift for speaking in pub- once a month. We readily accepted what happened to her. The group secretary had said the lic or in private. He held people spell- these terms and rushed our man off to I mentioned wasted effort; I have state hospital was the place to start. bound. He was a humble man and such the hospital. It is sad to relate, howevcome to know there is no such thing as The patients couldn’t get out and an inspiration to me in my early years. er, I don’t think he drew a sober breath wasted effort in AA. It’s true we would have to listen. I have no recol- I recall when he was old and dying of from the time he got out of the hospital weren’t able to help Gypsy Girl but she lection of what I said on that notable cancer. Some of us went to the hospi- until the last day I saw him when he helped me. She taught me to pray. 1 evening but I was still alive and well at tal to visit and he said, “Don’t waste left the area. well remember my first prayer in AA. . the end, which surprised me. Since your time here. There is nothing you One day he had gone home as drunk

as a warlord, and his daughter had sang the praises of the priest who oper- sob and beg to see the good father who she prevailed upon me to ask the sisters thrown cold water on him. He called ated it. Only the good father under- was the only one who could help him. to collect old and broken rosaries from the police to report she had doused stood him and only the good father Through clenched teeth I explained the whole school. She assured me she him with boiling water. The police could help him. He babbled on and on what had just transpired in vivid detail would fix them and return them to the rushed to his home to offer assistance. about the good father so that we were and in the vernacular. He continued to sisters who could send them to a mis- He met them at the door, refused to let pitifully grateful to see the hospital beg and plead to see the good father, sion of their choice. Sounds harmless, them in, and added insult to injury by come into view. who was the only one who understood doesn’t it? demanding to know if they had a With a sinking feeling in our stom- him. My friend and cohort took his The sisters were thrilled and sent my search warrant. A policeman’s lot is not achs we realized it was an anniversary courage in both hands and went back daughter from room to room collecting an easy one! celebration of the opening of the hos- into the hospital to ask for one more beads. She collected quite a large bag- Another time we were asked by AAs pital. There wasn’t a parking spot for chance. I remained on the sidewalk ful. I gave them to my newfound from California to meet an incoming miles around. with the patient. friend, and she absconded with the drunk at the airport. He had been on We double-parked, unloaded our 1 noticed a policeman starting to beads, and I never saw her or the beads the way around the world when he fell passenger, and rang the bell to be let in. ticket our car for being double-parked. again. among evil companions in California. We gingerly made our way up two I rushed over as fast as I could and told The sisters I saw often, and they We dutifully met the flight and waited steep flights of stairs dragging our pre- the policeman my tale of woe. He told were always inquiring about the beads. with mounting apprehension as every- cious burden. Usually, attention to pa- me to move the car. I rushed to do so I never knew just what to tell them. one except our drunk came off the tients was immediate, but tonight we only to find the keys were in the hos- There was another old dear with a plane. were up to our ears in visiting doctors. pital along with my companion. The penchant for drinking vanilla extract. It turned out that he was ensconced Our man grew restive. He then turned policeman generously offered to care She had more than enough money to in a seat on the plane and refused to be belligerent. By the time the good father for the drunk while I went for the keys. pay for it, but she felt so ashamed and moved. They had had an ambulance arrived on the scene, “downright nasty” On the third flight up I came upon my guilty about her habit that she couldn’t on the field in Chicago and he was the best description of our patient. friend and the good father who was stand to buy it for fear everyone would wouldn’t get off there either. The air- His bloodshot eyes fastened on the taking off his jacket as he rushed down know her secret. She hit upon the line personnel were extraordinarily good father, and he lurched to his feet. the stairs. He looked like he had blood novel idea of dropping a bottle in her glad to see us. We went into the plane Simultaneously he called the good fa- in his eye and murder in his heart! purse while shopping. When she was with a wheelchair and he recognized us ther a fatherless child in the vernacu- When the good father appeared, the apprehended for the second time, she from former and happier days. He was lar and threw a punch right on target. patient threw his arms around his neck simply gave the store manager my glad to go with us. We packed him into He then made it to the top of the stairs like they were long-lost brothers. Arm- name and phone number and assured the wheelchair along with his bottle with us in hot pursuit. I tried to grab in-arm they disappeared through the him I would explain everything. I did. which he refused to relinquish. We him and he shoved me so hard I doorway. We jumped into our car and Then I explained to her what I would loaded the whole mess on a platform dropped my purse. All of its contents the policeman waved as we drove off do to her if she ever pulled a stunt like usually used to lower baggage. slithered and bounced down the stairs. into the sunset. that again. She didn’t – at least not As we nonchalantly rolled him The good father was a little less than There were several ladies who with me! through the airport, he took to crying delighted and told us in no uncertain caused me embarrassment. One of Another sober lady and I often and slobbering. People tried to be po- terms what we could do with our pa- them was fond of mixing religion with worked as a team. We still meet for lite and not stare but few of them could tient. alcohol. Her avocation was to repair breakfast once a week and enjoy a very pull it off. We finally got him into the Back on the sidewalk we made an broken rosary beads for the missions. warm and close relationship. We had a car and all the way to the hospital he. interesting tableau. Our man began to Since I had children in Catholic school woman in a rest home and every time

we went to visit her she would speak of bottles. The trunk wasn’t able to ac- would say so maybe I could kick away they found a wonderful grandfather her worst fear: she was on probation commodate one more bottle and I had some of the things he was clinging to as waiting for them. How happy he made and had left some empty bottles at a huge boxful on my lap. You probably “reasons.” He surprised me when he his wife and how they enjoyed their home. She said she just had to get rid wonder what we did with them. What said, “1 don’t have any reason to drink, last years together. of them before her probation officer we did was ride around until we found but if I needed one, I could invent one.” My life in AA has been a full one. saw them and took away her children. a garbage truck. We smiled nervously His honesty impressed me. We The curse of my drinking turned into a We were laboring under the delusion and gave the men some money. The talked some more. 1 told him I didn’t blessing that enabled me to have a part she had perhaps a dozen or so bottles, last I saw of the bottles they were tin- have any reason to drink either, but if I in changing many lives for the better so we promised to go by and whisk kling and crashing as the truck ground wanted to I had the best excuse in the (first of all, my own). them away. We went on the appointed them up. The garbage men looked world. I told him of my little girl who In 1971 I was stricken with cancer day to the three-story mansion where quizzical and we fled. had died seven weeks before. After and while I was still in the hospital my she lived. Well, she did indeed have There was a man who sticks in my more talk we planned to meet the fol- oldest daughter became legally blind. bottles – hundreds of them. They mind while his memory lives on in my lowing week because he worked nights. She completed her master’s degree just were in the oven and the kitchen cab- heart. What a dear friend he turned out Frankly, I never expected to see him before she died. inets, and three flights of stairs were to be. When I met him he looked so again. He did come the next week and I’m not glad I’m an alcoholic but I’m lined solid with them. There were box- sad and so lost. He was all alone at the wonder of wonders, he was stone-cold grateful that since 1 am one, there was es full in the old servant’s quarters. meeting so I went over to talk to him. sober! He stayed sober from 1955 until AA to go to when I needed it so des- It took us several hours of tugging, He had been in AA for over two years he died last year. He was such a good perately. AA is still there and it still lugging, and carrying to get them all and was often drunk. I asked him why man. When his daughters were mar- works. I recommend it wholeheartedly out. We had a big Buick Roadmaster he drank. I knew he didn’t know why ried, he was able to give them away. for anyone who wants it or needs it! which was filled from floor to roof with he drank, but I wanted to hear what he When the grandchildren came along, Marie K.,Iruine, Calif.

August 1996

Old-Timers are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain until enough time has passed so that both sobriety and a relationship can be steps.” My sponsor asked me, “If I handled?My sponsor told me that “an Corner asked you to go out into the middle of alcoholic can’t handle two things at the street stark naked and stand on one time.” He told me to adopt an atyour head, would you do it?”I said yes titude of gratitude and that if I were because I was that sick and wanted grateful I couldn’t be angry because I that badly to stay in wasn’t capable of hav- , the Fellowship. . ing two -thoughts at My sponsor told No one told once. Too tough, you me to stay ninety days say? Well, that was and then if I didn’t what I needed. And if me AA was someone had tried to Please Come like it, he’d “gladly refund my misery.” I give me an “AA

Back – was told to “take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth,” and I wasn’t going to give me anything hug,” I would have hit him because to me, at that time, men just didn’t do that. Hugging is something If You Can allowed to talk for the first thirty days. Now people are asked to but a daily 1’rn.able to do now but only to those who share in their first are close to me. thirtv minutes! (Per- reprieve – if I I believe the way I

“I t’s okay to go out and come Now we hear, “Tell us how you feel.” haps this way we was taught is as right back.” How many times have I But we know how you feel! Sick, lone- don’t have to take today as it was the heard that in the past few years? ly, angry, skin crawling, shaking so bad them for a cup of cof- did certain day I came .to AA. I Why not say, “If you do go out, please you can’t hold a cup of coffee! Oops, I fee or get one-on-one learned that total abcome back -if you can.” I continual- forgot that these days by the time they with them to hear things stinence was the only sure way I wouldn’t ly hear, “You shouldn’t tell people that come to us they’ve had time to dry out their stories and try to they might not be able to make it back and the shakes aren’t as bad as thev h e l ~ . I) was also told get drunk. Today I if’they do go out.” Have we gotten so used to be. tha; “we talk recovery here and you find myself having to remind people wired into politeness that we may be Now I hear, “What is AA going to don’t know anything about recovery.” that the new “nonalcoholic” drinks killing some people who were like I was give me?”No one told me AA was go- When I was finally asked to chair a have .05 percent alcohol and that if in the beginning? ing to give me anything but a daily re- meeting, I prepared for a week, then you have only two to four in a day, When 1 came into AA, nobody prieve – if I did certain things. And 1 threw out my subject and talked about you’ve had the equivalent ‘of one or talked about their “drug of choice.” wasn’t told 1 could do this thing any the one thing I knew about – fear. two alcoholic drinks. Some have told They were there to help me if I had a way I wanted to do it. There is a phrase Have we become so interested in me that they only drink them because problem with alcohol. And I was the in the Big Book that says, “If you have L’relati~nsl~ip~O that we’ve forgotten the they “like the taste.” So do I, and when only one to make that decision. decided you want what we have and suggestion that there shouldn’t be any I drink something that tastes like alco-

hol, soon I will want the effect as well, and then it will be too late. I’ve been told that believing this . way borders on having a bleeding deacon mentality. Why? Have the places where alcohol takes us changed?Have we anyplace to go other than total sobriety, institutions (hospitals,asylums, prisons), or death? If I try to change much during the years that we now what was given to me, am I helping or have more than one in thirty-five am I hurting? coming to AA and staying? Seeing My sponsor told me that my sobri- people come and go, I realize that ety is my responsibility and I’d have to more go and don’t come back than work to find a new way of life. Today stay. Is it different today? Doesn’t God 1 hear too often “Just don’t drink and still put us with the ones we need to everything will be all right.” Don’t the be with for them to attain and for us Promises still come after Step Nine in to sustain sobriety? I still believe that the Big Book? Don’t I have to work “tough love” will work when a life is the first Nine Steps to get there? I my- falling apart. self guarantee that the Promises will If you don’t believe in the things I come true but only if you do certain was told and taught, then by all means things – like change your whole do it your way. If you don’t believe in damn life, just as I was told. “tough love,” that’s okay. Everyone has While I realize that we have to love that constitutional right. Feel free to new people, should we love them to exercise yours. death? Have the statistics changed so BiU F., Fountain, Cob.

September 1996

This morning I reminded Doc this was my tenth visit. I had spent a couple

The Unbeliever of thousand dollars on these trips and those that I had financed for the plastered playgirls who also couldn’t sober up. Jackie was a honey until she got plastered and then she was a hellion. Wonder what gutter she’s in now. Where was I? Oh, I asked the doctor for God’s sake to tell me the truth. He owed it to me for the amount of money I had spent. He faltered, said I’d been drunk that’s all. God? Didn’t 1 know that? But Doc, you’re evading. Tell me honestly what is the matter with me. I’ll be all right did you say?But Doc, you’ve said that before. You said once that if I stopped for a year I would be over the habit and would never drink again. I didn’t drink for over a year, but I did start to drink again. Tell me what is the matter with me. I’m an alcoholic?Ha, ha and ho, ho! As One of the ori’ginul twenty-nine stories printed in the First Edition of the if I didn’t know that! But aside from your fancy name for a plain drunk, tell me why I drink. You say a true alcoholic is something different from a plain drunk? Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1935, this story was What do you mean.. .let me have it cold.. .brief and with no trimmings. taken out when the Second Edition was published in 1955. An alcoholic is a person who has an allergy to alcohol?Is poisoned by it? It is reprinted here with pewnission of AA World Services. One drink does something to the chemical makeup of the body?That drink does something to the nerves and in a certain number of hours another drink is medically demanded?And so the vicious cycle is started?A n ever smaller amount of time is needed between drinks to stop those screaming, twitching, invisible wires called nerves? . I know that experience, Doc. The spiral tightens.. .drink., .unconscious.. . awake.. .drink.. .unconscious.. poured into the hospital.. .suffer the agonies of . hell.. .the shakes.. thoughts running wild.. .brain unleashed.. .engine without a governor. But hell Doc, I don’t want to drink! I’ve got one of the stubbornest

D ull, listless, and semicomatose, I lay on my bed in a famous hospital for alcoholics. Death or worse had been my sentence.

What was the difference?What difference did anything make?Why think of those things which were gone – why worry about the results of my drunken will powers known in the business. I stick at things. I get them done. I’ve stuck on the wagon for months. And not been bothered by it and then suddenly, incomprehensibly, an empty glass in my hand and another spiral started. How do you explain that one?

escapades?What the hell were the odds if my wife had discovered the mistress situation?Two swell boys.. .sure.. .but what difference would a corpse or an asylum-imprisoned father make to them? Thoughts, stop whirling in my head! That’s the worst of this sobering-up process; the old think tank is geared in high-high…what do I mean highhigh.. .where did that come from.. . insane asylum.. .how that bus could scamper.. .yes.. .even then liquor probably poisoned me. What had the little doctor He couldn’t. That was one of the mysteries of true alcoholism. A famous said this morning?Thoughts, hesitate a moment. Stop your mad turning! medical foundation had spent a fortune trying to segregate the reasons for the . What was I thinking about.. oh yes, the doctor. alcoholic as compared to the plain hard, heavy drinker. Had tried to find the

cause. And all they had been able to determine as a fact was that the majority and necessity.. .weakness.. .remorse. But what does the family know about it? of the alcohol in every drink taken by the alcoholic went to the fluid in which What do doctors know about it?Little, Doc was right, they know nothing. the brain floated. Why a man ever started when he knew those facts was one of They just say, “Be strong,” “Don’t take that drink,””Suffer it through.” the things that could not be fathomed. Only the damn fool public believed it a What the hell do they know about suffering?Not sickness. Not a belly ache matter of weak will power. Fear.. .ostracism.. .loss of family.. .loss of – oh yes, your guts get so sore that you can’t place your hands on them.. .oh position.. .the gutter.. .nothing stopped the alcoholic. sure, every time you go, you twist and writhe in pain. What the hell does any For Christ’s sake, Doc! What do you mean – nothing! What! An incurable nonalcoholic know about suffering?Thoughts, stop this mad merry-go-round! disease?Doc, you’re kidding me! You’re trying to scare me into stopping! You And worst of all this mental suffering- the hating yourself – the feeling of wish to God you were?What are those tears in your eyes Doc?What’s that? absurd, irrational weakness- the unworthiness. Out that window! Use the Forty years you’ve spent at this alcoholic business and you have yet to see a gun in the drawer! What about poison?Go out in a garage and start the car. true alcoholic cured?Your life defeated and wasted?Oh, come come Doc, what Yeah, that’s the way out.. .But then people’ll say, “He was plastered.” Jesus! I would some of us do without you? If even to only sober up. But Doc, let’s have can’t leave that story behind. That’s worse than cowardly. it. What is going to be my history from here on out?Some vital organ will stop.. .or the madhouse with a wet brain?How soon?Within two years? But Doc, I’ve got to do something about it! I’ll see doctors.. .I’ll go to sanitariums. Surely the medical profession knows something about it. So little, you say? But why?Messy. Yes, I’ll admit there is nothing messier than a drunk alcoholic.

Isn’t there someone who understands?Thoughts, please, oh please, stop! I’m going nuts.. .or am I nuts now?Never.. .never again! And yet I’ve said that a dozen times and inexplicably I’ve found an empty glass in my hand and the whole story repeated. My Lord, the tragedy that sprang out of her eyes when I came home with a What’s that, Doc?You know a couple of fellows that were steady customers breath on me.. .and fear. The smile wiped off the kids’ faces. Terror stalking here that haven’t been drunk for about ten months?You say they claim they through the house. Yes.. .that changed it from a home to a house. Not drunk are cured?And they make an avocation of passing it on to others?What have yet, but they knew what was coming. Mr. Hyde was moving in. they got? You don’t know.. .and you don’t believe they are cured.. .well why And so I’m going to die. Or a wet brain. What was it that fellow said who tell me about it. A fine fellow you say, plenty of money, and you’re sure it isn’t a was here this afternoon?Damn fool thought, get out of my mind! Now I know racket.. .just wants to be helpful.. .call him up for me will you, Doc? I’m going nuts. And science knows nothing about it. And psychiatrists. I’ve How Doc had hated to tell me. Thoughts, stop knocking at my door! Why spent plenty with them. Why should they feed on us who are suffering? can’t I get drunk like other people, get up next morning, toss my head a couple Thought, go away! No, 1 don’t want to think about what that fellow said this of times and go to work?Why do I have to shake so I can’t hold the razor?Why afternoon. does every little muscle inside me have to feel like a crawling worm?Why do He’s trying…idealistic as hell.. .nice fellow, too. Oh, why do I have to suffer even my vocal cords quiver so words are gibberish until I’ve had a big drink? with this revolving brain?Why can’t I sleep?What was it he said?Oh yes, Poison! Of course! But how could anyone understand such a necessity for a came in and told about his terrific drunks, his trips up here, this same thing I’m drink that it had to be loaded with pepper to keep it from bouncing?Can any going through. Yes, he’s an alcoholic all right. And then he told me he knew mortal understand such secret shame in having to have a drink as to make a he was cured. Told me he was peaceful.. .(I’ll never know peace again)…that person keep the bottles hidden all over,the house. The morning drink.. .shame he didn’t carry constant fear around with him. Happy because he felt free. But

it’s screwy. He said so himself. But he did get my confidence when he started to tell what he had gone through. It was so exactly like my case. He knew what this torture is. He raised my hopes so high; he looked as though he had something. I don’t know, I guess 1 was so sold that 1 expected him to spring some kind of a pill and I asked him desperately what it was. And he said, “God.” And I laughed. A baseball bat across my face would have been no greater shock. 1 was so high with hope and expectation. How can a man be so heartless! He said that it sounded screwy but it worked, at least it had with him.. . said he was not a religionist.. .in fact didn’t go to church much.. .my ears came up at that.. .his unconventionality attracted me.. .said that some approaches to religion were screwy.. .talked about how the simplest truth in the world had been all balled up by complicating it.. .that attracted me. Oh, for God’s sake, get out of my mind. ..what a fine religious bird I’d be. Imagine the glee of the gang at me getting religion…phooey! Thoughts, please slow down.. .why don’t they give me something to go to sleep.. .lay down in green pastures.. .the guy’s nuts.. .forget him.

And so it’s the nuthouse for me.. .glad Mother is dead, she won’t have to suf- . fer that.. if I’m going nuts maybe it’d be better to be crazy the way he is.. .life’s cruel.. .the puny-minded, curtain-hiding gossips … didn’t you know his father tion of their own souls. When as a matter of fact people were through worrying was committed for insanity.. .what a sly label to hang on those boys.. .damn about their souls, they wanted action right here and now. A lot of trips had the gossiping, reputation-shredding busybodies who put their noses into other been built up around the simplest and most beautiful ideas in the world. people’s business. And how did he put the idea.. .bunk.. .why in hell am I still thinking about He’d laid in this same dump.. .suffered.. .gone through hell.. .made up his him.. . in hell.. .that’s good.. .I am in hell. He said, “I came to the conclusion mind to get well. ..studied alcoholism.. .Jung…went to Blank Medical Founda- that there is SOMETHING. I know not what it is, but it is bigger than I. If I tion.. .asylums.. .Hopkins. Many said incurable disease.. .impossible.. .nearly all will acknowledge it, if I will humble myself, if I will give in and bow .in submisknown cures had been through religion…revolted him.. .made a study of reli- sion to that SOMETHING and then try to lead a life as fully in accord with gion.. .the more he studied, the more it was bunk to him.. .not understand- my idea of good as possible, I will be in tune.” And later the word good conable.. .self-hypnotism crap.. .and then the thought hit him that people had it tracted in his mind to God. all twisted up. They were trying to pour everyone into moulds, put a tag on But, mister, I can’t see any guy with long white whiskers up there just waitthem, tell them what they had to do and how they had to do it, for the salva- ing for me to make a plea.. .and what did he answer.. . said 1 was trying to

complicate it.. .why did I insist on making it human.. .all I had to do was be- understand. He said he supposed then that I didn’t use electricity. No one actulieve in some power greater than myself and knuckle down to it.. .and I said ally understood where it came from or what it was. Nuts to him. He’s got too maybe, but tell me mister why are you wasting your time up here? Don’t hand many answers. What did he think the nub of the whole thing was?Subjugate me any bunk about it being more blessed to give than to receive.. .asked him self to some power above.. .ask for help.. mean it.. .try to pass it on. Asked him what this thing cost and he laughed. He said it wasn’t a waste of time.. .in dop- what he was going to name this?Said it would be fatal to give it any kind of a ing it out he had thought of something somebody had said, “A person never tag.. .to have any sort of formality. knew a lesson until he tried to pass it on to someone else.” He had found out I’m going nuts.. .tried to get him into an argument about miracles.. .about . that every time he tried to pass this on it became more vivid to him. So if we immaculate conception.. .about star leading three wise men.. .Jonah and the wanted to get hard-boiled about it, he owed me, I didn’t owe him. That’s a new whale. He wanted to know what difference those things made.. .he didn’t even slant.. .the guy’s crazy as a loon.. .get away from him, brain.. .picture me going bother his head about them.. .if he did, he would get tight again. So I asked around telling other people how to run their lives.. .if I could only go to him what he thought about the Bible. Said he read it, and used those things he sleep…that sedative didn’t seem to take hold. agreed with and understood. He didn’t take the Bible literally as an instruction He could visualize a great fellowship of us.. .quietly, semi-secretly passing this book, for there was no nonsense you could not make out of it that way. If minfrom alcoholic to alcoholic.. .nothing organized…not ministers…not mission- isters could only just advise people and not try to tell them what they had to aries.. .what a story.. .thought we’d have to do it to get well.. .some kind of a do, he figured religion would be more successful with fellows like us.. .figured miracle had happened in his life.. .commonsense guy at that.. .his plan does fire most preachers tried to pour people into some mould of their own. the imagination. Thought I had him when I asked about the past sins I had committed. Guess Told him it sounded like self-hypnotism to me and he said, “What of I’ve done everything in the book.. .I supposed I would have to adopt the attiit?”…didn’t care if it was yogi-ism, self-hypnotism or anything else.. .four of tude that all was forgiven.. .here I am pure and clean as the driven snow, or else them were well. But it’s so damn hypocritical…I get beat every other way and I was to go through life flogging myself mentally.. .bah. But he had the answer then I turn around and lay it in God’s lap.. .damned if I ever would turn to for that one too. Said he couldn’t call back the hellish things he had done, but God.. .what a low-down cowardly, despicable trick that would be …don’t be- he figured life might be a ledger page. If he did a little good here and there, lieve in God anyway.. .just a lot of hooey to keep the masses in maybe the score would be evened up some day. On the other hand, if he consubjugation…world’s worst inquisitions have been practiced in His name… tinued as he had been going there would be nothing but debit items on the and he said.. .do I have to turn into an inquisitionist.. .if I don’t knuckle down, sheet.. .kind of common sense. I die.. .why the low-down missionary.. .what a bastardly screw to put on a person.. .a witch burner, that’s what he is.. .the hell with him and all his damn theories.. .trap…witch burner.

This is ridiculous.. .have I lost all power of logic.. .would I fall for all that religious junk.. .let’s see if I can’t get to thinking straight…that’s it.. .I’m trying to do too much thinking.. .just calm myself.. .quietly.. .quiet now.. .relax every Sleep, please come to my door.. .that last was the eight hundred and eighty muscle.. .start at the toes and move up.. .insane.. .wet brain.. .those fifth sheep over the fence.. .guess 1’11 put in some black ones.. .sheep…shep- boys…what a mess my life is.. .mistress.. .how I hate her.. .ah.. .I know what’s herds.. .wise men.. .what was that story.. .hell there I go back on that same the matter.. .that fellow gave me an emotional upset.. .I’ll list every reason I … :line told him I couldn’t understand and I couldn’t believe anything I couldn’t 1 couldn’t accept his way of thinking. After laughing at this religious stuff all

these years I’d be a hypocrite. That’s one. Second, if there was a God, why all this suffering?Wait a minute, he said that was one of the troubles, we tried to give God some form. Make it just a power that will help. Third, it sounds like the Salvation Army. Told him that and he said he was not going around singing on any street comers. Simply, if he heard of a guy suffering the torments, he told him his story and belief. There I go thinking again.. .just started to get calmed down.. .sleep.. . boys.. .insane.. .death.. .mistress.. .life all messed up.. .business. Now listen, take hold.. .what am I going to do?NEVER.. .that’s final and in caps. Never.. .that’s not no discount. Never.. .never.. .and my mind is made up. NEVER am I going to be such a cowardly low-down son of a bitch as to acknowledge any God. The two-faced, gossiping Babbitts can go around with their sanctimoniousChrist mouthings, their miserable worshipping, their Bible quotations, their holier-than-thouattitudes, their nicy-nice Christian, Sundayworshipping, Monday-robbing actions, but never will they find me acknowledging God. Let me laugh.. .I’d like to shriek with insane glee.. .my mind’s made up.. .insane, there it is again. Brrr, this floor is cold on my knees.. .why are the tears running like a river down my cheeks.. .God, have mercy on my soul!

September 1996

Old-Timers ing to me than AA. So I prevailed and holics Anonymous. Thinking that these we went to the party. During the party people were booksellers, but so nice, I Corner he suggested that I excuse myself, tell bought their book. It cost $2.50. my friends that I had somewhere to go, 1 took the book and went home to and he would take me to the AA my apartment. It was a time in my life meeting. Reluctantly 1 went. when I could see (I was thirty-two The meeting was in a room in the years old then and I’m eighty-three tobasement of a women’s residence. day), and I started reading the book Every thing stopped and couldn’t put it when I walked in and down. 1 read until the three people there Thinking that four o’clock in the welcomed me with morning. While read-

‘The Fishing Guide, much warmth and friendliness. I sat down and the speaker these people ing, it was like a curtain lifted. This was my answer, this is were bookthe Bartender, continued with his talk. He talked about living on skid row in what I had been looking for. Why hadn’t I heard about Kansas City, begging sellers, but so. it before? The next for money to buy day I carried my book wine. Now it wasn’t that I was a high-botnice, I bought along with my suitcase to the car and tom drunk, but I’d we drove to Jackson their book. I t was the second week of May 1945. “No, just give me the address and I’ll I lived in Vallejo, California, and I get there myself.” was hung over and sick when I ran into an acquaintance, also a drunk, who asked me how I was. I told her I’d 1 was married at the time and in the doghouse because of my drinking. When I got home, in order to break never seen times like that, and I was appalled that this dear, sweet, clean man had I t cost $2.50. Hole. Stopping at night, I would read the book and a few days later after we arhad to live in such rived at Jackson Hole been on a drunk and she informed me the ice, I told my husband (who didn’t poverty. So that im- I noticed that the that she didn’t drink anymore. My ears drink) about this conversation and pressed me. The meeting ended with book gave the name of a woman to perked up. “How did you stop?” I asked. showed him the address. He offered to the Lord’s Prayer and this really contact at the Alcoholic Foundation She told me that she had joined AA. take me there immediately- it must stopped me. I hadn’t said the Lord’s in New York; her name was Bobbi B. I Thinking that she was talking about have seemed like the answer to his Prayer since I was a child, and it em- wrote and told her I was going to be a , the automobile association, I said, “But prayers. We were leaving the next day barrassed me, so I bowed my head with lone member for the next four months. I don’t even drive.” “I mean Alcoholics for Jackson Hole, Wyoming, to run a them but I didn’t say anything. My She answered my letter immediately. Anonymous,” she said. “How does it nightclub for the summer season, and newfound friends said, “You’re going to Very shortly after that, another letwork?”I asked. “There’s a meeting on on this particular Monday night, Jackson Hole tomorrow and there isn’t ter came from a sign painter in Salt Monday night; if you want I’ll take friends were giving us a farewell dinner an A A group there. May we suggest Lake City, Utah. He was another lone you.” Right away my guard went up. party. The party was much more invit- that you buy this book?”It was Ako- member who had also gotten the book.

+ ” He wrote that he was going to take a When I was about two months en years talking to different AA groups growing pains, some petty jealousies quick job in Jackson Hole just to come sober, my husband was threatening to that were starting up in the Bay Area. about one-upmanship, but nothing and visit me. He came, visited for a few fire the bartender who was drunk all days, encouraged me, did everything he A lot of Twelfth Step work was going that wasn’t solved easily. I remember the time. I talked with him and he be- on, both one on one and also through how hard-nosed we became when could to help me, and as he was leav- came the third member of our group. the central office. The central office someone came into a meeting drunk. I ing, he suggested,”Why don’t you find We were three drunks who weren’t another drunk and start a group?” would contact the groups to arrange for shudder to think of it today. I rememdrinking and looking for a way to get someone to meet the person who’d ber them escorting a couple of people It so happened well – the fishing called in and perhaps take them to a out. It was like the pot calling the ketthat in the night- guide, the bar: meeting. Sometimes people would sim- tle black. Surely if they staggered in club we ran, there was a drunken fish- We didn’t have tender, and myself. ply walk into a meeting, as I had, and they wanted something, they needed We had our meet- someone would reach out to them, something. I was as guilty as anyone; I ing guide. I gathered my courage and I any guidance… ings during that summer, always take them under their wing, and offer didn’t like the disruption and I caused to become their sponsor. When I saw a my share of dissension. approached him. To ending with the One of the highlights of my life was need, and I was available to help, I my surprise, he was perfectly willing to only the Big record. (I didn’t actually say the Lord’s helped. meeting Bill W. His wife Lois was as We didn’t introduce ourselves as al- charming as I found him. I think I was come to a meeting Prayer until I came coholics except to new members, and more impressed with Lois than with with me and the Book and a back, moved to San we didn’t use our last names. I always him. next night I decided Francisco, and In the meantime, my husband, who simply said I was Vi. It was assumed to have the meeting at the cabin we power greater joined AA in San Francisco.) You that if a person wasn’t having trouble had so inspired me to go to my first with booze that they wouldn’t be there. meeting, and I were divorced. AA belived in. I was about have to remember, Even when someone introduced me to came my family. 1 had literally a huntwo or so weeks sober. I don’t know than ourselves we hardly knew speak they simply said, “I’d like to in- dred friends, and it was the greatest what we were do- troduce Vi.” All meetings were closed; experience of my life. In AA I met an- ‘ what we talked ing, we didn’t have other man, who is my husband today, there weren’t any open meetings. about. I read him any guidance our- We began our meetings with a mo- forty years later. Both of us have ensome paragraphs from the Big Book selves, only the Big Book and a Power ment of silence and the Serenity deavored to live our lives through the and I didn’t even have an extra copy greater than ourselves. We played it by Prayer. The Preamble was not used Twelve Steps, applying them to our j . for him, so I loaned him mine (you can ear. The fishing guide stayed sober and then and I don’t remember when we lives. see what firm ground I was on). When we corresponded for many years. The My husband and I relish the joy of . started using it. We’d sometimes have our little meeting ended, I told him bartender stayed sober the rest of that living sober and have many hobbies that the group in Vallejo ended with a guest speaker. There were no Step or season, but I understand when he went Big Book meetings; all of that evolved and interests. We learned how to paint the Lord’s Prayer, but that I couldn’t back to his home he had some trouble over time. It was simple, not structured. through our local art association, and say the Lord’s Prayer. I asked if he could again with booze. I lost track of him afand he said he couldn’t either. I had a 1 There were just five or six groups in our home is filled with paintings that ter that. 1945 in San Francisco: the Downtown we’ve done. We’re not artists; we’re portable record player and a record by a I left Wyoming in September 1945. Group, the North Beach Group, one simply painters – hobbyists. I had a famous opera star who sang the Lord’s Getting to San Francisco was a won- central meeting on Wednesday night in couple of shows and sold many paint- Prayer with much meaning and feeling, derfulexperience because I made many, the Fillmore District, and some others. ings. Life has been good. so we used it to end our meeting. many friends there. 1spent about sev- From the time I came into AA in The Fellowship was experiencing

May 1945 until now, I’ve lived a life of that we had to go to three or four meetsobriety and happiness. Today I’m al- ings a week in order to stay sober. most blind and very deaf, so because of When I recovered, I reached this this we’re not active any longer in AA, plateau in sobriety of security, knowing but we still do what we can for people who I was and where I was going; it was who need AA. We take them, we di- all right to level off. I had no trouble rect them, we do what we can. My im- with booze; I became a housewife; I enpression, though, of how AA has joyed my home. changed is that we did things more Through all these years I feel I’ve simply when I was young in AA, and been blessed: I never had any temptato be perfectly truthful, I like the good tion to drink. A Power greater than I old days better. am lifted much weight off my shoulders. I don’t think our founders meant Viokt D., Valkjo, Calif.

November

days off. 1 raised the issue of his August blurted out. “He should apologize to offer only to find him withholding, ten- me. I didn’t wrong him. He wronged tative, and manipulative. He seemed to me. He knew I was having a problem know and relish the fact that I was and he took advantage of me, my feelhaving difficulty in finding a place for ings, and my situation. 1 didn’t take adthis event. I really hadn’t wanted to

Riaht vantage of him. He owes me an call him in the first place to ask for apology! I am the wronged person meeting space, but space for Christmas here.” parties was really scarce. The conver- My temporary mentor, with a touch sation became heated and shouting en- of sarcasm in his voice, then said to me, a sued. I slammed down the phone and “And you’re going to be angry with

u You’re stormed around my office. How could he treat me this way? I hadn’t done anything to him. Why should he be so belligerent? I was fuming, and rightly him all night, aren’t you!” The meeting began and ended. I was still fuming. Neither the meeting nor the Lord’s Prayer had shaken me out of so, I thought. the feelings of being wronged. I went

Wro I left work and headed for my six o’clock meeting. I arrived about fifteen minutes early, still extremely angry and feeling greatly put-upon by my socalled colleague. An old-timer saw my plight and asked what was wrong. I told home in that state of mind and continued fuming, but now another thought started bouncing around in my head. The old-timer had suggested to me that I needed to apologize to the other person. I try to do what’s suggesthim that I had been unjustifiably ed, but this idea was 180 degrees from wronged, manipulated, and just plain what 1 thought I needed to do. A war mistreated. I stated that I needed to of ideas battled in my mind. My col- This M finally took an old-timer’s advice learn to be more assertive, to confront league had wronged me. Why should 1 and let go of a budding resentment the other party, and be more honest apologize to him? about how I felt. The old-timer lis- It took until about nine o’clock for tened, paused, looked at the floor, and me to decide to do what the old-timer

A fter about a year and a half in the Fellowship of AA, I attended my usual six o’clock after-work meeting. I didn’t know, as is often the case, that I was about to learn things off, I’d gotten into an explicit shouting match on the telephone with a colleague over a place to hold a Christmas party for our department. My colleague (and friend) had offered, then reestablishing eye contact with me said in a very gentle tone, “You know what you have to do, don’t you?” I repeated that I needed to be more assertive and protect myself from this sort had told me to do – apologize to the other person. I telephoned my colleague and began by saying that I wanted to apologize to him for the way I’d behaved earlier in the day. I told him I something very significant, something in August, to host the Christmas event of thing – not let this happen to me realized he couldn’t have heard the that would change the way I dealt with in his division. Being the social chair- again! The old-timer paused a second things I’d wanted to say to him because life. man for the department, I hadn’t read- time, looked at the floor again, and said of the way I was acting. No sooner It was early in December. I’d had a ily accepted his generous offer in that I really needed to apologize to the than I was able to get out the apology, really lousy afternoon, and to cap ‘August. Now Christmas was just a few other person. “Apologize to him,” I my colleague began lecturing me on .

how I should behave in a relationship. being right that I’d sacrificed how I was Immediately, my anger welled up inside feeling. I’ve come to learn that when me. Bur this time I restrained my anger I’m upset or angry it’s generally related. and listened. When he was finished to the fact that 1 have a need to be talking, I restated my apology and, in- right and I’m not really focusing on my stantaneously, my anger left me. I felt needs for peace and serenity. Apologizcalm on the inside. We continued talk- ing or making amends now takes into ing with one another. Later, as I got account how I feel rather than my need ready for bed, I realized that a big bur- to be right. Making amends or apoloden of uncomfortable feelings had been gizing ultimately has little or nothing eased. to do with who’s right or wrong. It has At the six o’clock meeting the fol- to do with the fact that we’re more lowing week, the old-timer asked me concerned with our peace and serenity how I was doing. I replied that I’d done than with personal vindication. 1 also what he had suggested – I’d apolo- learned that the answer to my needs, gized to my colleague. It pleased him especially in moments of high emotion, that I had done so and he asked me is usually radically different from what what I’d learned from the experience. I think I need. I told him I’d learned that it’s impor- This experience occurred ten years tant not to get caught up in an argu- ago and my colleague and I are still ment as to who’s right or wrong in a friends. situation. I’d been so concerned with Roger B., Louisvilk, Kentucky

November 1996

Old-Timers home from work one day with a better, they got me a job and a room headache and the doctor who came to they were very good to me. Corner the house said he had a cerebral hem- This new job was easier than the orrhage and that he wouldn’t last the warehouse. There were a lot of girls , night. On hearing this, my stepmoth- there and one used to share her lunch er dropped dead right there on the with me. 1 didn’t know anything about spot, and my father died during the anything, I didn’t even get educated, night. I don’t know where they’re but she was very kind and nice to me. buried. We became very close and she invited My sister and one brother went to me to her parent’s home in Lynn for California, and the others were taken Sunday dinner. Her folks picked me up in by other families. Perhaps because I at the train station, and I had the most was the oldest – I was fourteen then wonderful time. I saw more food that M y Name i s John – I wound up on the street. I didn’t day than I’d ever seen in my life. I know what to do. I was completely really enjoyed myself. Her mother took

and I’m .an, lost. me aside and wanted to know all about 1drifted toward the center of town, my background and after hearing what near the Somerville Highway Depart- I had to say, basically told me that I ment. In those days they separated the wasn’t good enough for her daughter. I trash from the papers, so I crawled into was very hurt; I felt awful. They wantone of the paper wagons and cried my- ed to give me a ride back to the train self to sleep. The next morning I went station and I refused. On the walk to to a restaurant in Somerville Square the station, I thought, “What a life. I

I was born eighty-six years ago in a the house and he always went the hard and said to the guy, “I’m hungry, I’d lost my mother, I lost my stepmother tough neighborhood known as the way. They’d beat the life out of him like to eat.” He fed me, and after hear- and my father, I lost my brothers and Brick Bottom section of Somerville, and my mother used to jump in and ing what had happened to me, he let sister, and something good came into Massachusetts. We were very poor. I say “You’re hurting him.” I could never me sleep that night in his restaurant. my life and now I’ve lost that too.” had a wonderful mother, four little figure that out. The next day he got me a job in a I quit the job. I couldn’t face that brothers, and a little sister. We were My mother didn’t last very long; she hardware store. They had a big ware- girl. I was seventeen years old now and born one right after the other; we were died in her early thirties. I never saw a house and I loaded trucks with nails, I got a job as an iron worker in conjust like steps. My mother would say to big, strong man like my father cry so roofing materials, and other hardware struction. Soon after I started working, us, “Your father’s a good man when he’s much. He really went to pieces and goods. I made my home in that ware- we all went out to a bar for lunch. not drinking.” My father was a rugged, then I.knew that he loved my mother, house. I used to see little kids outside They ordered drinks and I ordered powerful drinker; he was really trouble. and today I know that he was an alco- riding their bicycles and I knew there what they ordered -a shot and a beer. When he’d come home on one of his holic. He did the best he could; he had to be something different from the I’d never had a drink up to that point; binges, I’d take my little brothers and calmed down and he took care of us as kind of a life I was leading. I wasn’t eat- I’d never tasted booze. That boilermy sister upstairs to the attic until best he could. He remarried and our ing right or living right. I lasted there maker straightened me right out; I felt everything quieted down. It used to life began to get pretty good, but it for two years and I got real sick and so good that I didn’t care what haptake four or five cops to get him out of didn’t last too long. My father came ended up in the hospital. After I eot ~ened.It made me feel like I was Dart

J <*

of something. I went back to work and portant role in helping me join AA. much about it. In those days we took into a blackout and got arrested that it was always in my mind about getting When World War I1 started, I was pledges. We’d go to a priest, say a few night. Soon afterwards, I lost my job, I another drink. I didn’t drink all the back doing iron work, and my business prayers, and promise we wouldn’t drink lost my wife, I lost the kids, I sold the time, but I was always thinking about was good. I was away from home a lot again. That didn’t work too well. car, I got put out of where I was stayit. I wanted to get that freedom feeling. and my drinking picked up; I was I went to my first AA meeting in ing, and ended up in the South End of I was making more money than I’d drinking every day. I came home on 1945. Here were old men, guys who Boston. ever made. I bought a little car and I the weekends and I drank. I tried to came out of the nuthouses; they all had AA became like a memory; it went was doing fine. Then this little girl come home without drinking but it forty-pound noses. There were no right out of my head. I ended up in from Lynn looked me up; she tracked never worked. 1 just couldn’t not drink. women. I went home and said to my Blackstone Park, which was full of me down. 1 told her that she’d be in My wife was one of those ladies who wife, “You don’t expect me to go down winos just like me. By now nothing ex. trouble, that her mother didn’t like me, couldn’t tolerate booze. She started there. They’re alcoholics, they need it. cept wine would stay down. I stole and she said, “Let’s get married.” “Mar- giving me ultimatums; then she put re- I’m not like them.” nickels and dimes off the newspapers ried,” I said, “how do you do that!” I strictions on me. She’d say, “We’ve got I continued to drink and things got along Washington Street, enough to knew nothing about any of that. But four little children and you’re not go- so rough that in 1946 I went back to buy a pint of wine and get back to the we got into my car, drove over to New ing to be coming home drinking.” AA and I got sober. I still didn’t believe park and drink again. I used to sit on Hampshire, and were married by the Things got tough. There was plenty of that I was an alcoholic, but my life was that park bench and cry my eyes out. I justice of the peace. As sure as I’m sit- trouble between me and my wife; in getting better. 1 had four little girls, knew I had a wife and kids, I knew my ting here, I thought she was supposed fact I was arrested about twenty-five or and in 1949 a little boy came along, wife was breaking her back taking care to go home afterwards. But she said, thirty times just trying to get into my and life was good. I was a foreman now. of the kids, and here I was in Black- “No, I’m supposed to live with you.” own house. We bought a big house, we both had stone Park. I tried to stop drinking and (That was sixty-seven years ago and My wife saw an ad in the Lynn newspaper that said, “If you drink and cars, and we were getting along fine. I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t have the we’re still married.) Time went on, I was doing a big job power to choose to stop. Every time I We settled in Lynn near her parents want to, that’s your business. If you in Winoosky, Vermont. Being an iron tried to stop, I went into a seizure, and – that was a mistake. But we were drink and can’t stop, that’s our busiworker, I always had to go away to they had to take me to the old Washgoing along pretty good, and the De- ness.” She called the number, and up make a living. It was the Fourth of July, ingtonian. Because of the seizures I was pression came along. I got a job at to my house came this guy I used to 1955. I used to fly home on weekends, convinced that I couldn’t live without Sears Roebuck changing tires. There drink with – Vassa S. Another guy but this weekend I decided to stay in drinking. was a little bicycle shop next door was with him. They were sober, and Vermont. I called my wife and told her I was always trying to make up my owned by Vassa S., and boy, did this they told me I had an illness, that I was that I was going to go across Lake mind to try to go to work and help my guy drink – he’d drink anything. I sick, but I couldn’t buy that. They told Champlain and relax on the beach. On wife, and I just couldn’t do it. Once I drank with him. I used to swipe bicy- me about their own drinking, how sick the way to the ferry, I heard music went down to the union hall and they cle tires from Sears, bring them to they were, and how they recovered. coming from behind a stockade fence. I sent me to Maine. I was working at a him, and he’d sell them. “Wait,” he’d They invited me to the meeting that opened the gate, and there was the power plant, and we had a lot of say, “I’ll get some booze.” He’d go Vassa started in 1944 at 10 City Hall American Legion, having a’big bash. booze. When we ran out, an engineer across the street and come back with a Square. But I couldn’t accept the fact They were really bending their elbows. said if we fired up the locomotive, whiskey bottle filled with Bay Rum that I was an alcoholic. We drank on They were drinking beer, and the he’d take us to get some more. So we shaving lotion. “This tastes funny,” I’d the job, I worked everyday, and I thought crossed my mind that 1 could stole a logging train and drove it ten remark. “That’s good stuff,John, drink couldn’t see that I had a problem. AA have one beer. Eventually, that one or fifteen miles to get more booze! It it,” he’d reply. Later he played an im- was very young then and I didn’t think beer took me r i”~ h tto the skids. I went .was a very serious offense, and we

went to prison in Thomaston, Maine. back and get some paper and an enve- Later, coming out of prison, I didn’t lope.” Instead he called the cops. The day someone put a few pennies in my He put a cot down next to the boiler. have anyplace to go, and I wound up cops came and they put me in the nut- friend’s hat, and he called the guy He didn’t like me but he didn’t want on the Penobscot Indian Reservation. house. I fought them. As weak as I was, cheap. That was the end of posing as me to freeze to death either. One night My middle name was trouble. 1 got in I didn’t want to go to the nuthouse. priests. The cops came and put us out I was lying on the cot – the room had trouble there, got my leg broke, and got When I -got there they shot me with of town. Trouble, trouble, trouble, al- a bare light bulb – and the light bulb stabbed, then got something, and I be- ways trouble. was getting bigger and bigger. I thought ~ uoff t the reservaa tion with a cast and … and the came very calm and peaceful. Eventually I This guy wanted to go home. I want- it was going to go off like a bomb. I ed to go home too because I felt I knew I needed a drink bad, and 1 went a crutch. Getting liked it there. I was ‘ didn’t have much longer to live. He got downtown and bought a jug of wine, back to the South thought crossed eating and sleeping, me a ticket to Lynn, Massachusetts. thinking that I would go off to a side When I got there, I didn’t have any- road and chug-a-lug the wine. 1 hoped End of Boston from and I had a roof over Maine is a story in my mind that my head. The pa- where to go. I was restrained from my it would kill me. house, but I had a brother-in-law who I got the jug, went off on the side itself. I’d go to a tients were really was taking care of an apartment build- road and drank the wine, and came to church, beg for a meal, get a scrip to / co~ / ha d ve nuts, too. This wasn’t an alcoholic ward, ing, and he let me sleep in the cellar. in the morning lying on the grass. I sleep for a night at the YMCA, and one beer. . this was a nut ward. But 1 didn’t care. drink in between. When the time You know when Eventually came for me to leave you’re a drunk, no- the nuthouse, I really body wants to look at you. It’s an awful that one beer didn’t want to leave; I didn’t have anyexistence. Finally, I place to go. By this wound up again in took me right to time I was in my Blackstone Park in fifties. I met up with the South End. the skids. a young guy half my I tried once more age who was a con to go to work so I man. He said, “I went down to New York. I never know where we can go, John. ~hkre’s should have done that; 1 was too sick. 1 a place near here, they call it the Holy went down there and didn’t even last Mountain. It’s the Christopher’s Home one day at work. I decided I was going for Homeless Men. We went there and to commit suicide. I went to the Salva- it was fine. We got cleaned up, but we tion Army and told the person sitting couldn’t drink there. This guy got the at the desk that I was going to kill my- idea that we could steal collars and self. I asked him if he’d write my wife a vestments, go downtown, and pass the letter so she’d know that 1 was dead. hat – and that’s what we did. We were He said, “Okay, just let me go in the collecting money like crazy until one

heard music. “That’s it,” I thought, “I’m gone, my feet were swollen, and my going nuts.” I got up, followed the mu- the wreckage of the past. could try to stay warm. At Bridgewahead was full of sores. His name was A1 . sic, and came to a little church. There A few days later I was in a meeting ter there are graves; they have headand he took me home with him. I and I decided to get someone to talk to. stones without names. I didn’t want were some little kids running around couldn’t believe it. He cleaned me up After the meeting, I saw an active any more of that. with palms and I realized it was Palm and he wanted to put me in Mt. Pleasdrunk that I knew; he was gonzo. I One of my daughters was an alco- Sunday. I went into the church and for ant detox, but I didn’t think I could the first time in years I asked God for bought a fifth of wine, took him over holic and she couldn’t stop drinking. stop drinking. I was convinced that if to a park bench, and said, “Look, sit She was in one detox after another. 1 help. “Let me live or let me die,” I they put me in a room somewhere and down, I’m going to give you this jug. was sitting with her on her bed one prayed. I got up, went outside, and closed the door, I would die. So I re- You can drink it but you’re going to lis- night and she put her arms around me stood on the sidewalk. That was Palm fused to go to the detox, but he got me ten to me. The minute you walk away and said, “Daddy, why can’t I stop Sunday 1966 and I haven’t had a drink medical attention. I’ll never forget the I’m taking the jug.” I did my Fifth Step drinking?” She had an alcoholic since. The grace of God had entered doctor’s name – Dr. O’Brien – he my life, but I didn’t know it at the time. with him and I got out all that garbage. seizure and died in my arms. It was awwas very good to me. I had a leg that I unloaded stuff with him 1 never ful. I didn’t know what to do. She had I was standing on the sidewalk, won- was in real bad shape and he sent me thought I’d tell anyone. When 1 got a little boy, and my wife and I raised dering where I was going to get a drink, into Boston for treatment; it’s not very and I remembered that my through, he finished the jug, and I just the boy. You never get over something good today either, but it’s all right. If I’d mother-in-law, who was put him on the bench and walked off. I like that. continued to drink, I’d have lost the felt better after that; I felt good. Later My son went to Vietnam and when now in her nineties, was in leg. I don’t know why I’m living today. a nursing home nearby. I look back on my life and it scares me. I teamed up with Joe H. from Malden he came back he was into everything and he really helped me with the Steps. – drugs, booze – but he seemed to “Maybe she’ll give me a 1 stayed with Al; he did everything I continued to go to meetings with survive for a time. He went to college few bucks,” I thought. She for me. We went to meetings together remembered me and said Al, and when I was eight years sober, under the GI Bill and got a degree in for months. He sat me right beside he made an appointment for me to talk business administration. But he’d avoid she’d give me ten dollars if him. He belonged to the Green Street with my wife, and I returned home af- me, and then 1 knew he was drinking. I went to an AA meeting. Group and we went on cominitmet~ts He gaduated and got a good job, but I “Where’s the AA meet- ter being gone seventeen years. I had a together. I h e p n t o get well; I began to lot of trouble with the kids, but my wife could see how he was drinking. He got ing?” I said. “Right next get back into reality. took me back. Two of my daughters fired from one job after another. Finaldoor to this nursing I was still on a restraining order, and ly, his wife divorced him and he.wound home,” she replied. 1 kept were pretty good, but the youngest one I would watch my kids from a distance. up on the street. I took him home with had lots of resentment and anger. my end of the bargain and 1 wanted to put my arms around them me and 1 started putting him into in- Up through ten years being sober went there. and hug them. Finall y I told him, was very, very difficult, but I didn’t stitutions and VA hospitals. I struggled When 1 entered the “Hey, Al, it’s no use. My kids are gone, want to go back to where I came from. like crazy with him. I put him in a VA nxm~,a guy came over and I can’t work, I’ve got a bad leg, my I didn’t want to drink – I just couldn’t hospital around Thanksgiving time. 1 put his arm around my health is gone, and 1 just can’t keep up. was going to bring him home for take that anymore. I didn’t want to be shoul~lerand asked, “Are 1 can’t get rid of that ball in my stom- Thanksgiving Day, so I went down in the South End living under the you having a problem with ach. 1 see my kids and wife from a dis- Dover Street bridge in the summer and there a few days ahead, and I could see alcohol!” That was an un- tance and I just can’t take it.” He gave he was way down, very depressed. 1 then in the winter at the Pine Street derstatement. 1 didn’t have me courage. He suggested that I do a Inn waiting for the van to come up came home that night and later got a any shoes, my teeth were Fourth and Fifth Step, try to get rid of and take us to Bridgewater State Hos- call to come and identify his body. He gone, my glasses were the garbage, and begin to clear away pital on voluntary commitments so we .had walked out of the hospital and

jumped in front of a truck. When I forty dollars an hour I’ll give you a stoidentified his body, I thought I was go- ry that will blow your socks off.” She ing to have a heart attack. All this time got a kick out of that. I didn’t think of a drink. I thou ght I went through a lot, my sobriety * about blowing my brains out, but not didn’t come easy, but my life is good toabout drinking. day. My wife is fantastic, I love her and , My wife went right out of her mind, she loves me, we’ve got a grandson and two children gone now. I didn’t sleep his wife who are sober in AA. They taking care of her; I took her to a psy- asked me to speak at their group’s anchiatrist for a year. One day I went niversary and I was thrilled to be able with her. The psychiatrist said to her, to do that for them. “You know, you’ve been coming here I’m broke but that’s nothing to me. for a year now and I can’t seem to get I’ve got some peace of mind after all to your problem.” “It’s him,” my wife these years. I’m sober over thirty years, began, pointing at me. “He never was and I’ll tell you, fifteen or sixteen of home for Christmas, he didn’t see these those years were real rough. I didn’t kids graduate high school, I worked like speak at meetings for a lot of years; I just crazy to support them.” On and on she couldn’t do it. I was chasing my daughwent, she let out everything that was ter and then my son; my wife was devbothering her, and everything she said astated by the loss of our two children; was true. Afterwards she felt better. She and I just couldn’t do it. Today I don’t came over to me, gave me a big hug, mind doing it because I like to give and we went home. O n the way out back some of what I got. Thanks for letthe psychiatrist said to me, “I’d like to ting me share – God bless you all. delve into your childhood.” I said, “For john N., Peabady, Massachusetts

December 1996

Tellina the For instance, I’ve learned in meet- we don’t know what we’re doing and ings that not only bars and cocktail find ourselves on a bar stool again. parties are slippery places: sitting in a closed room or vehicle with others 1 believe in AA’s singleness of purpose. Rut 1reserve the right to share all smoking pot is a slippery place for me. my experiences in recovery. And if 1 One woman told include how I can’t how her contact take any mind-afhighs led her right fecting chemicals back to beer. She I learned in my early because it leads me had a slip for me. back to booze,and if “Learning from days that we were to that offends some other’s mistakes so people, I’m sorry. I we don’t have to don’t want to offend make them” only ‘practice these prin- you; I simply want conveys meaning to live. And in

I I went to a meeting last night and as the topic of singleness of purpose was being introduced, one man stood up and stomped out. It’s an old battle in AA, one that began long betion several drugs besides alcohol. For him, that’s a violation of our singleness of purpose. For me and many others, not to talk about what will lead us right back to alcohol is a violation of our when others can share their mistakes. It was at an AA ciples in all our keeping with our purpose of carrying this message to other alcoholics, I want meeting where I to help other alcofore I got sober in 1969. The recurring purpose at a meeting. And therein lies heard that putting holics live. theme is that unless members discuss our dilemma. If we know that to smoke any mind-altering Back in 1969, problems relating only to alcoholism in a joint, take a hit of acid or coke, or use chemical in my those who took ofa meeting, they’re violating Traditions. tranquilizers will lead us right back to body would affect fense at my sharing But what exactly does that mean? a drink, insanity, and death, it becomes my mind, cloud my would ask me to The singleness of purpose statement our responsibility to talk about it both judgment, and leave. Now, they most often read at meetings ends with for our recovery and in the spirit of car- could lead to a slip. leave.’ I don’t want the words “confine your discussion only rying the message. In these cases, it re- It was in a meeting any alcoholic leavas it relates to alcoholism.” Although I lates directly to our recovery from where I learned ing a meeting. Sinsupport our singleness of purpose, I’ve alcoholism. that the alcohol gleness of purpose always felt that this was an unfortunate What I’ve learned about recovery in and codeine in shouldn’t come choice of words. I’m not particularly in- twenty-six years clean and sober has cough syrup was like playing with fire across as singleness of predjudice. If we terested in what or how much you come from the Big Book and from the for an alcoholic. It was in a meeting just rethink that statement and say drank, which is what that statement experience, strength, and hope of those where I learned about the subtleness of “confine our discussions only as it resounds like. I am interested in how you at our tables. I learned in my early days a disease that can sneak us back to a lates to recovery from alcoholism,!’ we keep from drinking today – recovery that we were to “practice these princi- drink with something as simple as not will understand that we’re not .violatfrom alcoholism, not just alcoholism. ples in all our affairs”- but there’s no explaining that we are alcoholic to our ing Traditions. We are alphere for the The man who stomped out of our way to do that if all our affairs can’t be doctor, who then unknowingly pre- same reason. Sobriety. meeting left because he heard us men- talked about. scribes medicines that drug us so that Shelly M., West Point, Virginia

December 1996

Going the Extra

T hroughout my twenty-two years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I’ve sponsored dozens of people, some of them adolescents. Their recovery has obstacles which don’t necneed our compassion, understanding, feedback, and concern. They need to know they’re not alone in fighting their illness. They need a sponsor- or two -who can relate to them on their essarily hold for the adult alcoholic. level. A sponsor should be willing to The generation gap does, indeed, ex- devote extra time and energy to the tend into AA meetings. young person, and should help him or Younger people often find it difficult her get involved in activities with othto relate to the stories of old-timers. er recovering youths. They’re reluctant to get a sponsor be- We’re a Fellowship. We should go cause they associate older adults with out of our way to be objective and suptheir parents and feel they don’t need portive. We need to present similarianother authority figure telling them ties to younger people, not differences. what to do. And there’s denial: “I’m We need to make them feel welcome too young to be an alcoholic,””I can’t not rejected, to get them involved in give up the friends I grew up with,” service work not sitting on the side- “I’m not as bad as these old people.” lines. Then too there are still some old- The adolescents I’ve sponsored who timers around who refuse to acknowl- were able to maintain sobriety and edge the existence of drugs other than stick with our program were real goalcohol and won’t have them discussed getters – an inspiration to me and at meetings. Granted, AA is Alco- other AAs! holics Anonymous, but the face of the Let young people know it’s their alcoholic has changed. There are fewer meeting too, that they can talk about and fewer people coming into the pro- what they need to talk about. gram who have abused only alcohol. They will grow and so will we. Adolescents and younger adults Mike G ., La Crosse, Wisconsin

J a n u a r y 1997

Old-Timers a productive citizen. When I was twen- it was during one of these six-nionth ty-three, with almost a year of sobriety inventories when it dawned on me Corner (though not completely out of the fog) that I’d dragged a lot of garbage with it was suggested to me by my sponsor, me into my sobriety. 1 still had a bad his sponsor, and two other AAs that attitude after several years of sobriety. selling bar supplies was a great vocation Yes, I’d improved tremendously over for a drunk, but per- the person I was haps I should go when I was drinkback to college and ‘/d dragged a ing, but I still had learn to do some- low self-esteem and thing different in sobriety. Things lot of garbage a negative outlook on life. 1 decided to seemed to click, get into action to Paying the and four years later I’d earned a college education. With with me into improve this situation. As my attitude mY sobriety Price for this new training, and no vlan of acbegan to SIOWIY improve, I realized I’d tion for my life, I set I still had a lost my zest for life

Improvement out across the country in search of something. bad attitude and that I had no real energy. I looked at sedentary W. Instead of really cupation, my eating getting into the after several habits, and my exermainstream, how- cise program, m and

I am grateful to be in my twenty-first year of continuous sobriety. Looking back, it’s truly amazing that I even made the first month. But my sponsor strongly suggested that I build a solid sponsor said. But I must also learn to practice these AA principles in all of my other affairs. That included things like taming my temper with my family, being a better responder at work, ever, I became more involved with genera1 service work. Occasionally I did become involved years of sobriety discovered I was really in bad shape physically. I’started working on improving my health and program of action based on service and treating everyone with respect. , with civic organiza- – have since discovwithin the Fellowship of Alcoholics Not easy tasks for a newcomer who tions, professional ered new energy Anonymous. The actions I took in didn’t know anything about dealing organizations, and church groups, but along with an improvement in my those early years helped change my life. appropriately with others. But one day these “outside” activities were never re- mental outlook. The actions I take today enhance my at a time, improvements have been ally fulfilling, and I always returned to My professional life was the next sobriety and allow me to enjoy more of made. the comfort of activity within the Fel- thing that needed attention. Reviewthis great world. My sponsor told me that AA would lowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. ing the different jobs and different Serving the Fellowship and hanging put me back into the mainstream of Doing an inventory with a sponsor states where I’d lived during sobriety out in meetings was a good start, my life and give me the opportunity.to be on a regular basis is a valuable tool, and made me realize that my resume still

. I still did not accept. all the words I was still too proud to as my Higher Power would have me ly belongs to my Monday night friends, I got a sponsor and began to serious- share. Journalling has always been my live. This year, for me, has been “a new for each of them has given me the l y work the Steps. Today I recognize outlet. This time, however, it wasn’t beginning,” which is the name of my courage to try. this as “acting as if.” I began to enjoy enough, and my misery increased. I felt home group. Credit for this article tru- Mallory B., Ridgefield,Washington meetings and the people in them as I 1 was in a downward spiral, traveling had enjoyed nothing else before. God’s ever faster. In a brief moment of clarity, gift of willingness had I remembered I had a started my spiritual program, and that meant I had a choice. snowball. Through no effort of my own I In a brief I chose life, readmitfound I’d picked up ting my powerlessness some acceptance and moment over alcohol. I called surrender along the my sponsor, who left way. I belonged! work to listen to me The snowball rolled and stayed close by unon. I continued to til I could see daylight work the Steps. Hav- ” ing had a taste of that remembered again. I’m grateful for my inner peace called near fall, my “late botserenity, I wanted I had tom,” as I call it. After more. My commit- taking the mess to my ment to one meeting a sponsor I took the week became two, and a program message to my home then three. One of group, and changed these was a Big Book my sobriety date from study meeting that really put my feet the day of my last’drink to’ the date of on the right path. My sponsor had by my first AA meeting. These two simnow become my best friend. ple actions gave me my first glimpse of I will be ever thankful that my sup- humility. port system was firmly established on There have been ups and downs for ‘ the day that my pink cloud disap- me since then. My highs are still high peared. With no warning whatsoever, and my lows still low. I’m still only a or so it seemed, pain engulfed me, and baby, cautiously but trustingly putting for the first time in over four years I one foot in front of the other, trying to wanted to drink. Badly. My old walk the walk. thought patterns wasted no time in The Fellowship of Alcoholics reestablishing themselves and I had Anonymous has given me the courage but one desire -escape. I spent sev- to take those baby steps, to start groweral hours writing, spilling onto paper ing beyond self, and to attempt to live

February 1997

OId=Tirners Corner

Touched by Grace I

know her. It was my mother. horrors I couldn’t face. I’d scream and I spent the night in the drunk tank scream until I’d get the blessed relief of n 1996 1-celebrated two birthdays sent out counter invitations telling his and the next day was committed to the tranquilizers and would go into the on June 26 – my natal birthda y friends not to come. I think it was the .state mental asylum. That part is a blur dream world I welcomed. I was reand my AA birthday. 1 date my so- latter since he was trying to get rid of of fog and shadows, and from then on I treating further and further into that briety not from the date of my last me because I was drunk all the time. remembered nothing until after sever- world where I would run through fields drink but from the date of my last Anyhow, there was no party and no al shock treatments when I was of clover hand in hand with a handdrunk which started on my birthday in presents, so 1 started drinking up the shocked into a reality I rebelled at. The some man. 1961. The owner of the winery where 1 champagne I’d gotten for the party, memories that came flooding back af- O n the week before my fir& AA worked and whose girlfriend I was and I didn’t stop drinking until I was ter every shock treatment were of be- meeting I was sent home for a trial visthrew a big party every year on his dragged out of Lake Erie where I had ing brutally treated by men, being it. My stepfather picked me up, and bebirthday and hundreds of people came tried to drown myself, was handcuffed robbed of all my possessions by persons ing a beer drinker he stopped at every and brought presents, so 1 thought I t~ an iron table, and put out to dry. It who pretended to be my friends, sleep- bar he passed on the sixty-mile trip should have a big birthday party too, was regatta time and I thought 1 was ing with other drunks in dirty flop- home. And of course I guzzled down all and I sent out hundreds of invitations on television or making a movie in houses, lying in the streets in the flats the beer 1could and kept drinking after by mail and by word of mouth. The day which I was the star, and I waved and of Cleveland, being pushed out of the I got home. My stepfather had to pracof the big party arrived and nobody smiled to all of my fans gathered way of cars by someone who robbed tically carry me back to the hospital for came. To this day I don’t know why – around. And when a dark-haired and raped me, having my beloved chil- I was in an alcoholic stupor. whether it was because I had given out woman came up and asked me to go dren taken away from me by the Then came the rude awakening: I the wrong date or whether my boss with her, I wouldn’t because I didn’t courts. There was abuse, beatings, and was taken to my psychiatrist who eval-

dom because of alcohol as I had, they is Pauline,” March 1967, and “A Miruated my record and told me I was an alcohol in any form. I’ve never been need stories of hope and the knowl- acle Happened That Day,” August alcoholic. I denied this vigorously, or as tempted to drink since my first AA edge that you can come back no mat- 1977),and I tell the group I would like vigorously as is possible when you’re in meeting and that is a miracle. ter how far into hell you’ve fallen. I The road back to sobriety and sanity to tell my story. Usually I get an invia drug haze. She said she was sending was the only woman in Raiford prison wasn’t easy. I’d get depressed to the tation. 1 have told my story in London, me to an AA meeting. Again I protest. one night telling my story to 200 conpoint of suicide. I was deeply emotion- Paris, Munich, Athens, Amsterdam, ed. To me AA was a joke – a bunch victs in tightest security, men convictally distressed and was nearly addicted and Nassau, and in countless cities of drunks hanging out. Since I ed of the worst crimes. And they throughout this country Los Angewouldn’t go willingly she had me tak- to tranquilizers, but thanks to the laughed with me and cried with me les, Beverly Hills, New York, Cleveen to the AA meeting in the hospital, Grace of God and the love and help I and when I had finished, they sur- land, Burlington, Vermont, Miami, accompanied by an attendant. I was in found in AA, I was able to give them .rounded me and hugged me and kissed Juneau, Alaska and Sarasota, Florida, a straitjacket, for she’d taken me off up completely. I’d been told at the hos- me and the guards looked on and to name but a few. I travel a lot and tranquilizers completely just for the pital when I was discharged that if I smiled, knowing I wouldn’t be harmed. marry a lot and wherever I am I share meeting and I had a tendency to go quit taking my tranquilizers I’d be back. I’ll never forget that night. my experiences, hopes, and strengths berserk when they’d take away my But I gave them up and didn’t drink After I’d been sober a few years and with others. drugs. and didn’t go back. my children were raised and on their I was able to make amends to my At that AA meeting what 1 choose I’d lost my children through the own, I returned to college. For ten mother before she died by planning a to call a miracle occurred. I sat there courts and I wanted them back. When years I attended school full time at surprise birthday party for her with her sullen and resentful and I heard beau- I tried to visit them, their father called . night, all year round, and worked days bridge-playing fnends in Ohio, and flytiful words of love and understanding me an old whore and threw me out of and obtained a bachelor’s degree in ac- ing her there. Then on another birththat touched my heart as nothing else his house and sent my kids screaming. counting from a major college, getting day I surprised her with a trip to had done. I believe that God reached But I went to court (without a lawyer, excellent grades. Then I went on to Hawaii for a week. She loved Hawaii down and touched me and healed me because I couldn’t afford one), and law school and obtained a law degree. and we were planning to move there instantly. with my history of alcoholism and After all that work and study, I got the but she died. We were very close and I left the AA meeting, and in my mental illness 1 didn’t think I’d win biggest setback in my sobriety – I she forgave me for all the awful worries ward that I shared with three other over my husband and his expensive couldn’t pass the bar. I thought God I’d caused her. For fifteen years, I was loonies, I looked at myself in one of the lawyer. I cried all through the proceedwanted me to fight for justice for alco- estranged from a son, but now we’re unbreakable mirrors we had. I saw a ings, but miracle of miracles, I did win holics, as I’d seen so much injustice in close again. He’s wonderful and we see flat, slovenly mess, and for the first custody, and we became a family again. working with prisoners, both in and each other nearly every Christmas. My time in many years I felt shame at my We had fun and troubles galore. I lost out of prison, but he must have had other three children and I are very appearance. my job, I couldn’t pay my bills, and my other plans for me for I never did pass close. There is so much love and The next time I was sent home for a electricity was shut off in mid-winter the bar. But I didn’t drink over it and laughter when we are together, and 1 trial visit, it was a hot day in August, in Ohio, but I didn’t drink and that life went on. thank God every day for bringing them and my stepfather stopped at every bar saved me. I’m blessed by being able to travel a back into my life. I thank God rnfor for a big frosty mug of beer. I sat beside I went to a lot of meetings and fi- lot all over the world. When I’m going all the blessings he has restored to me him in the bars we stopped in, watch- nally I was allowed to tell my story and to visit a place where I know there are through the beautiful, spiritual group ing him drink my favorite drink, and I I was in my glory. I love to tell my sto- AA meetings, I write to the group, of Alcoholics Anonymous. ordered and drank a cold ginger ale. ry – to have others identify with me. I And it’s been that way ever since. In especially love to tell my story to prissend copies of my story that have ap- A. Pauline B., peared in the Grapevine (“My Name Royal Palm Beach, Florida one moment I lost my desire to drink oners for 1 feel that in losing their free-

February 1997

Sobriety’s ship From Utica, Kentucky:

T h e r e has been much talk recently coaching, guiding, and cheering the of old-timers and where they’ve gone. youth that will one day take their place. They are worshiping the God I’ve been in AA for a number of of their understanding in the years now. I can remember hearing church of their choice. They are in several meetings about old-timers mowing lawns, mending fences, and how this person used to say this hanging curtains -doing all the or do that, and how that person little things that were neglected in worked a great program. 1 also remember that I felt cheated. If these the midst of their disease. old-timers had all this wisdom and And guess what? Through it all knowledge, then why weren’t they they’ve carried the message. They’ve in meetings sharing their good news shown by deed and example that with those of us who were suffering? there is hope, joy, and freedom to be I was quite vocal about it, too. I found in the program of Alcoholics thought to myself that I’d be in Anonymous. meetings daily for the rest of my life. I still attend my home group I would never desert the ship. meeting every week and go to at The days turned to months and least one or two other meetings a the months to years, and the most week. I now understand the meaning incredible thing has happened. I of “AA is not my life but a way of have slowly been getting back in the life.” Countless suffering alcoholics mainstream of life. I now know have come to me at the ballpark, at where the old-timers are and what church, at family gatherings, and on they’ve been doing. the job, and said, “I need help.” They are showing up at their jobs, The old-timers are out there doing on time, ready to give an honest what was inkended for them to do: . day’s work to their employer. They carrying the message, spreading the are gathering with their families and good news. They haven’t deserted giving them the quality time they the ship; they’ve just ridden with it never could before. They are joining to other parts. with their communities at ballparks Cindy A.

March 1997

thirty years old and had come to AA rushing in, the stiffness had left me and Old-Timers in January of that year. He’d stayed I was shaking violently. My teeth were sober from day one but wasn’t happy chattering. (My doctor was a neighbor Corner about it. He was fast reaching the of mine; I’d welcomed him to the conclusion that he was too young to neighborhood with half a bottle of be in AA. He nursed that illusion all wine which I carried over in a brown through the meeting and right up un- paper bag.) He drove me home in his til the moment I car and adminisdropped like a stone tered some kind of to the floor. knock- I fina llv came * heavy sedation. J U S ~ ing chairs in all di- befoie the liihts rections – I was went out, he told having a convulto AA in April me to be in his of-

Truth sion in the front row. By the time 1 came to and was 7 950 … Young fice every day for the next five days to get – vitamin shots.

Unchanging again aware of my surroundings, I was rigid, my teeth were people, thirty- The people in AAi had told me – . that acute alcoclamped shut, my five and under, holism, which was hands and arms what I was suffering were pulled up and from, was a medical couldn’t be moved, Were as scarce problem, and I en I was twenty-one years I finally came to AA in April 1950,

W” and my feet and should see my docold, my doctor told me some when I was twenty-three years old. legs were drawn tor. I didn’t want people could drink with That was young in those days. Young down. I was unable as hen’s teeth. him to know how safety and others could not. He said I people, thirty-five and under, were as to speak, and the bad my drix$ing was was one of the ones who couldn’t drink scarce as hen’s teeth. Older members pain in my ribs was so I hadn’t heeded their advice. Had I and I should stop drinking while I still told me there were ten of us in that age so excruciating 1 could hardly draw a been teachable, 1 could have saved mycould. It made sense to me, so I quit. I category in the combined states of breath. self and everyone else a lot of trouble. didn’t quit for one day like we do in New York, New Jersey, and Pennsyl- Some well-meaning girl was trying The one good thing to come out of I AA, but for forever! Forever turned vania. (People who did not know me to force a spoonful of coffee between that debacle was that the young man out to be a week and 1 was off again. kept mistaking me for some member’s my lips. Luckily we had a member of in the meeting decided he damn well Prior to that time, when anyone daughter.) the group who was a doctor and an- better stay in AA while he was there. bugged me about my drinking, I’d say I I will never forget the night 1 com- other who was a nurse. The doctor in- Good decision! We’ve both stayed could quit any time I wanted to. Now I pleted six days without a drink. I was tervened and I think he saved my life. sober through the years. He celebrated was frightened. I knew I’d meant to making my way to the front row of the I heard him say, “We’d better get her forty-six years of continuous sobriety in never to drink again, and here I was meeting. A young man was watching own doctor down here.” January 1996, while 1 followed in April drinking again, worse than ever before. me go down the aisle. He was about By the time my own doctor came with my own forty-six years.

Another rotten thing occurred be- apron strings, it was just tough! It hurt I think there were older members who that no one could benefit from what fore I completed two weeks of sobriety. my feelings when he gave me such a wanted to go back to the way things was being said. That being the case it There was a male member of AA who short shrift so I asked my husband once were. is best to do whatever is necessary to lived across the street from my hus- what I could do. He went to my moth- In my early days, if things got out of remove the source of the problem. I beband’s family. He was more often drunk er and said, “I would much rather see hand, older members stepped in to lieve it is best if the active drunk can than sober. When he figured out who Marie go out with three men than straighten out the problem. At one be told he will be welcomed back when I was, he ran over to my in-laws to tell come home with one like she did point there were nonmembers at the he is not drunk or drinking. them I was a member of Alcoholics when she drank.” inner city groups ~uil addictions Anonymous. He said I was too young My mother never mentioned it who didn’t have a have been a probto be an alcoholic and all I needed was again. desire to stop There often lem when they are a good kick in the butt to straighten This is probably enough to show you drinking. We wel- discussed in depth me out. So much for the anonymity I’d that while some members were proud rather than menbeen promised. We can do a great deal and happy to have us in AA, others felt comed them until they began to were no tioned in passing. of harm when we see fit to break some- we really didn’t belong there. When I gather around our I’m not sure one else’s anonymity. (I must have had became pregnant, after several years, I a resentment because when I heard was the only “lady in waiting” to be doors to panhan- women on the whether the problem is from young dle. Some of the he’d died of the illness, I don’t remem- seen at meetings. I recall the male older members people or the way ber grieving over it!) members being frightened to take me told them they team because things are with’ A few years down the road, Bob and out to speak as my due date drew near. were welcome to drugs now. I do re- I were asked to be chairperson and sec- Twenty-three is no longer looked come in for coffee the few we call the changes retary for the group. There were mem- upon as young. I’ve met some people or to get warm that took place in bers who said the young “snot noses” who arrived in their early teens. One but we couldn’t AA once tranwere taking over the group. We just woman had completed four years of so- have them clus- had were quilizers became laughed between ourselves. Bob was briety by the time she was eighteen. tering around the readily available. the chair because one of the men al- Others have come to AA a few years entrance so that In New Jersey ways said, “When a man comes before it was legal for them to buy a members were ashamed t o AA, where I spent through that door, he needs to see a drink at all. Many of us have been hap- afraid to come my firsrforty-five man up there!” py to see the young people join early, When we sent out a speaker’s team before their lives have been wasted bethere. Anything speak. years of sobriety, we were given a that interferes it usually consisted of a leader and yond repair. with anyone’s brass pin in the , three speakers. There often were no There have been some problems, ability or right to attend or hear the shape of a triangle when we completwomen on the team because the few however. The group where I started in meeting is a very serious matter. ed our first ninety days without a drink. we had were afraid to speak. When I AA was brought to the edge of de- There are differences of opinion The night I was’to be’given mine the went it was often with three men. This struction when young people gathered about whether someone who is active- older members were having a very seupset my mother who felt it looked in the parking lot on motorcycles. ly drunk should be allowed to attend a rious discussion. It had to do with an “bad.” One night, at a closed meeting, They laughed and talked while order- meeting. I’ve seen people who were elderly man who was abusing some- I got up the nerve to ask the speaker ing in pizza during the meeting. The drunk manage to hear something at a thing called triple bromides and God how to handle this problem. He said if first “forty and over” group I ever heard meeting that was the start of their so- only knows what else. His face was a I was going to be tied to my mother’s of started because of this sort of thing. briety. Others have raised such hell strange shade of purple; he drooled and.

‘shuffled along. He claimed he had a chair. When I was discharged and went right to his three month pin because he to my son’s home, Mike still came to had not had a drink in ninety days. It visit me. He drove a taxi and as soon was only to stop drinking that he had as I could get about with my walker, he come to AA. I didn’t know what to took me to meetings. These young make of it but they gave him his pin people are not only kind and good, but right along with me. The poor soul they take the program of AA very sedidn’t have very long to enjoy it be- riously. They study the literature and cause in two weeks work very hard to he was dead. He practice and live by had won the battle Now we the Twelve Steps to and lost the war. recovery. Age is not really know the pro- Recovery doesn’t a factor in drug use. happen by accident. I’ve seen people of he program was all ages fall prey to gram can be planned so carefully the practice of pre- by the early memscribing drugssfor bers to make it posthemselves. passed from sible for us to know Now that I’m freedom from the one of the older members of AA, I genera tion to terrible lives of practicing alcoholics. fall into the categogeneration. oww we know the ry of people men- program can be tioned in the third passed from generaedition of the book tion to generation. I Alcoholics Anonymous. The book says was astounded when I first began to that a full third of our membership had notice how many children of people 1 yet to be born when we oldsters were had worked with were finding their grown up and in AA. way into AA. In many cases, they set- That brings me to how kindly the tled down and stayed. young people in the Fellowship treat I once read that a principle can be me today. defined as truth unchanging. If it is When I first came to California to true today, it will always be true. We live, I was very sick. I was in the hospi- can practice the principles of the AA tal for four months. During that time, program, and age will matter less and one of the young members who was a less as we continue to grow older and friend of my son’s would come to visit wiser together. me and take me for rides in my wheel- Marie K., Laguna Hills, California

April 1997

The evening was really fun. The All kinds of reasons kept going Old-Timers band was great, and my friend and I through my mind as to why it would discovered a new wonderful aspect of be okay to take a drink of that whisky. Corner our relationship by learning to dance “One little sip won’t hurt anything. I’ll ‘ 1 together for the first time since we’d take a sip while my friend is in the rest I . become a couple. room. I have breath mints so she’ll \ People in the au- never know. Just dience were buying “One little sip one little sip is all her father glasses of I’ll have. Nobody straight whisky that he was drinking on won hurt any- It will notice if I take just one little sip!’ stage as he played My Higher Powthe steel guitar. thing, /’// take a er and all I*d

Siren Song During one of the short breaks that the band took, he sip while my learned from AA throughout years kept me from the

came over to our takine that drink. u

Knowing other al-‘. ‘ table to chat and brought his glass of friend ji in the . ‘ coholics’ experiwhisky with him. ences proved to be

I have told the following story at several AA meetings as a reminder to all of us not to be too complacent concerning our illness: An old man stood in front of us with tears running I just celebrated my twenty-second year of continuous sobriety, so I had my sobriety well under control, or so 1 thought. Little did I know I was about to be exposed to a situation that test- While he was at the table with us, someone brought him another glass restroom. / have breath mints so helpful to me in this situation as well. I remembered that elderly man down his cheeks. He could hardly speak ed my resolve and caused me to re- of whisky that he with thirty-four as he began to tell us his story. He’d vamp my attitude toward my sobriety. put on the table in front of me. When she’ll never years of sobriety. I remembered how been sober for thirty-four years and My significant other was going on a things were going quite well for him. business trip to California and asked he went back to the he slipped’, and it His life was under control and there me to join her on the weekend to meet stage, he left this know. ” was enough to keep were no real pressing problems plaguing her father. I’d wanted to meet him for glass of whisky on me from making him. He was walking past a liquor store some time so I jumped at the chance. the table. that fatal mistake of taking the first and for some unknown reason decided Her father was a member of a band As I turned to watch the band, I saw drink. to buy a half pint of whisky. A half pint that plays in various bars around Cali* , the glass of whisky sitting before me. I acquired a new respect for my ill- . won’t hurt me, he said to himself as he fornia on the weekend. He asked us to For the next hour and a half, that glass ness that evening. I learned it was just walked through the doors. Within a few come listen to him and I didn’t see any of whisky tempted me beyond what I lurking under the surface waiting for days he was up to a fifth a day. His harm in that. My friend had just cele- thought was possible. I thought all the first opportunity to raise its ugly friends in AA discovered he was drink- brated eight years of sobriety, and I had those years of sobriety would protect head. I learned it truly was cunning ing again and helped him to regain his twenty-two years of sobriety. What me from even being tempted. But I and baffling. sobriety once more. could go wrong? was wrong. R a w h R.,Tucson,Arizona

May 1997

Old-Timers found myselfstraining at the bit. When ity, I saw that if 1 could beat this curse, the tension became intolerable, I’d I could recover. But how? I rememturn to drink, thinking that preferable bered a questionnaire I’d done in our I Corner to going bananas. This trend contin- local paper, but which I’d rejected as ued until my drinking threatened my extreme, although it appeared to hit new job, which required punching a the mark in a number of areas. Perhaps clock but paid well and offered a good AA was the answer after all. Going pension on retirement. into a phone booth, I found a group As a new employee, I was required listed nearby, which I entered at 4:00 to work that first P.M. and by God’s Christmas Day. My I was struck grace was open. I rebuddies of the night alized later that givbefore dumped me en another few hours by the jovial In Search of onto a bus to go to work. Then my hangover hit me, and I of reflection have heart, had a so I could change of unstable mood of the Secret found myself at the end of the bus line, although I’d told the the members was I at this point. For an instant hope inspired my determidriver where to let me nation to give this off. He took me back, last resort one hell and I awoke at the and wanted of a try. n joining AA, I was struck by The first weeks

0 the jovial mood of the members and wanted to know their secret. I grabbed the Big Book, the Grapevine, and the new Step book, alcohol became a way of life. I found nothing in common with civilians and was bored in their company, but I did find a job, get married, and try my hand at settling down. I pushed start of the line. I guess the driver was hungover too. From then on booze took over, but I to know their secret were crucial. To still my inner turmoil I studied the Big Book – “Bill’s Storv.” “We Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, in a baby carriages and moved through wanted to hold on to Aenostics.” akd the desperate attempt to stay sober. I had two jobs. Then I tried real estate sell- this job, and through sheer determina- basic action Step, tKe ~ h i r d ‘Step. One forfeited my business, my home, and ing, where my time was my own, and tion, plugged on. Then I went on the night, in a state of near delirium, I conmy family – including my two daugh- the time clock didn’t interfere with drunk to end all drunks. This one was centrated on the paragraph that conters -in one fell swoop. my drinking. different somehow. I just couldn’t get tains the Third Step prayer. Feeling Following a youth during which my With my marriage on the rocks, I loaded, and the fact came home that I highly elated, I went to sleep. drinking was controlled by the De- visited a psychiatrist who told me to could no longer drown my troubles, In the middle of the night I awoke pression came a tour with the RCAF pick a new vocation, start from the which scared the daylights gut of me. in a sweat. Was I never to take anothin World War 11, in areas where booze bottom, work up in business, and win Then I went for a walk in the down- er drink for the rest of my life – that was not always available. I was then back my family. Booze became a real town area of the city. elixir that seemingly had brought me discharged to a depleted world. I was handicap now, and although I had a lot Suddenly I came up short. Booze! – through so many scrapes? The idea in a drained and restless mood, and of will power and determination, I that was my problem. In a flash of clar- shocked me! Then I remembered that

all I had to do is to stay sober one day years in AA I was burdened by not beat a time. Again, I fell asleep and the ing able to reconcile my marriage, as compulsion to drink was lifted from me others appeared to have done. But the and was never to reoccur. The test Twelve Steps enabled me to transcend came two weeks later. the trauma, and I was able to hold my I was working on some real estate I job and maintain my two daughters, owned, in July, the hottest time of the who on maturity came to live with me, year. M y thirst was while my ex-wife passed &erpowekng. I choked away later without see. on a soda pop, and be- ing the light. In my ing convinced that beer was the only drink to Was I never four-score years, one half in AA, I’ve found assuage, I threw my myself a survivor. I have tools into the car and to take the respect of my famihightailed it to the ly and the church I coolest bar in town, joined after my awakenwhich was a shaded another ing. In the spiritual as- ‘ float over the river. At pects of AA I can find the bridge I stopped drink for unlimited opportunities with the crushing real- to round out my retireization that I was now ment years. in AA and understood the rest o f I believe that AA the importance of the should be recognized at first drink. What to do? With my heart in my my life ? the close of this millennium, as the most prohands, I said a prayer. gressive health advance Visions of another de- of the twentieth centubauchery crept in, and ry. In my opinion it has the horror of working in the clutches saved more lives than all the antideof another hangover flooded my pressants and pain-killers churned out thoughts. I drove home and made a by our geniuses in pharmacy and psycup of tea and lay down. That battle chiatry. was over. I knew it would have taken My gratitude goes out to Bill W. and an all-night drinking session to still my Dr. Ebb for this remarkable Fellowship, craving if I had capitulated to that first and to Lois and Anne for sticking with drink. their spouses through their shaky quest A few months later, I got drunk to to alleviate lonely sufferering and congive me the nerve to sever a relation- ciliate fragile families. ship. That was my last drink. In my first George V., Winnipeg, Manitoba

June 1997

Old-Timers next few days continued to drink in a In the fifteen minutes it took Iva to get there, I downed twenty-five-cent complete blackout. In spite of all my planning, the determination to do a shots of rotgut rye just as fast as they Corner good job, and having no apparent de- could be poured. I felt more at home in sire to drink, ]ohn Barleycorn had once this dive with the other derelicts than again had his way. I never made it to I had in that hotel cocktail lounge. the sales meeting. So much for firm re- That is when I hit bottom. That is solve. when I grasped the I awoke with no meaning that withmemory – just a headache and a . . . My ego, still out AA there is no mental defense mouth full of cot- against that first in full control, A Headache ton. I shook all over and my guts were tied in knots. I drink. My wife got me home and I asked issued another and a Mouth needed a bath, a shave, and a drink, her to call AA. Soon, two guys were . but could manage angry demand: on the scene shar-

Full of Cotton none of it. Full of self-pity, panic, and remorse, “Never let this ing their experience, strength, and hope. John B. and I crawled out of the Harry B. told me, “If

0 n February 14, 1961, armed with a smart blue suit and a very impressive briefcase, I marched into a midtown hotel. It was thirty-nine days since my last drink. I ed, confident, and hadn’t even thought of a drink in weeks – all without going to very many of those embarrassing AA meetings. I thought I had it made. After checking into the hotel, I gave hotel to find my way aboard the Long Island Railroad. The ride happen again!”

home seemed longer than usual. My you don’t take the first drink, you can’t get drunk.” I’d heard this at AA meetings yet it had never penetrated felt better than I had in years, and dur- my bags to the bellman. Then without job was on the line. My marriage too. my denial system. But that day, ing that month, all of my energies had another thought, I walked into the bar Yet my ego, still in full control, issued through the Grace of God, I was able been devoted to preparing for the an- and ordered a double vodka martini another angry demand: “Never let this to identify, surrender, and accept AA nual sales meeting. That evening, a with a twist. happen again!” I was scared to death. with no reservations. hundred guys from New York and New That first drink in over five weeks Reaching East Northport at last, and As directed by John, Harry, and my England would descend on New York felt great going down my throat. I needing to call home for a ride, I found sponsor, Joe C., I joined a group and City. I was ready for them. glowed. The instant warmth quickly myself following the neon glow over made coffee two nights a week. I set up As an energetic twenty-eight-year- penetrated my upper chest and steadi- the door to the Red Top Grill, a dark, chairs, swept the floor, and went to old promotion manager, I’d done my ly radiated throughout my body. When dingy haven to down-and-out drunks. about 600 meetings in the first two job well and was eager to show the boss it reached my fingers, I just had to sig- There, I made the call and while wait- years. They told me to get phone numthat in spite of some recent problems, I nal for another. ing for my wife to arrive, decided to bers and call at least one AA member was the man to count on. I was excit- Later I found my room, and for the have “just one.” every day. I did everything that was

suggested. When they said it was time way to a successful business career and for me to make changes, Joe led me to led me to perform responsibly as a fathe Twelve Steps, which set me on the ther, friend, and member of the comroad to a spiritual awakening. Many munity. Sober today in California, I sober AA men and women continue to have much to be grateful for. It’s a rare show me the rest of the way. Their day now that sees me carrying a briefpower of example has reinforced the case, but I do make it to my three AA idea that I’ve got to give it away to meetings almost every week. Each day keep it. I try to listen to God’s will, apply the It all began on Long Island a lifetime principles of the program, and stay inago. Since then the program of Alco- volved with newcomers as well as my holics Anonymous has enabled me to old AA friends, on the phone and over stay married to the same, patient Al- coffee. Anon lady for forty years. It paved my Jim M ., Encinitas, Culifmia

July 1997

A s Long A s God Needs U s

I was at a meeting last night chaired Steps, my fears are drastically diminwill be around long after AA is gone. when AA is gone. I know that there is by a man with thirty-eight years of ished. Then I can see that change is Those of us who have been tuned into every reason to have faith in God as I sobriety. He mentioned his con- not something to be afraid of. It is how it will continue to live and share it. understand it. God is always available cerns about AA changing. This morn- our Higher Power works. After all, is AA gets us back to the supreme spirit, to those who are honest, open-minding I read my morning Grapevine not a spiritual awakening merely anwhich will always be there. The ab- ed, and willing to change. article. There it was again, another other way of describing a radical solute spiritual truths will not diminish Adam N., Santa Cmz, California old-timer gripped by fear. change! If today’s old-timers are leav- The man who chaired last night ing in droves, it is unfortunate indeed. mentioned how the early members of But it says more about their personal Alcoholics Anonymous were all down- unwillingness to change, their clingand-outers, skid.row types. Many of to- ing to old ideas, than it does about Alday’s members come in way before that coholics Anonymous. point, he said, as if this were a bad Who really expects AA to last forthing. I think the speaker is missing an ever? No one with any knowledge of important point: it is because of the human history, that’s for sure. It will success of these early members that Al- evolve, for better or for worse. Due to coholics Anonymous is available to its own success, it’s already being overpeople such as myself. If it had re- whelmed by those in need of spiritual mained the sole province of a few priv- direction. Its very success may bring ileged Sterno drinkers, AA about the eventual demise of AA as membership wouldn’t now number in we know it today. the millions – and I might not be I too have experienced feelings of alive. fear that AA will be diluted and un- Like these old-timers, I am also recognizable to me at some point in afraid of AA changing. But because of the future. After all I’m only thirty- AA, I’ve learned that fear is a self-cen- four and, being sober, can now look tered response to reality. Over time, forward to a long life. What if AA is my fear has come to be countered by a unrecognizable?What will I do?Well, growing faith. To the degree that I’m I finally realized that I’ll be okay. The able to live by the principles in the message is universal and absolute. It

July 1997

Old-Timers disturbing to remember my horrible shoved down their throats, even if they state of mind that morning. Not sur- were serving jail time, as I was, for beprisingly, I was filled with resentment ing drunk and disorderly. Corner toward the police who had arrested me Absolute right or not, I was forced and the judge who had sentenced me. to sit in my jail cell and listen to the But there was more. Much of my anger songs and Bible messages. I retaliated was righteous indignation about the as best I could by directing waves of disgusting conditions in the jail, where silent hatred and contempt toward the clogged toilet had overflowed and them, probably displaying an angry everything was filthy. sneer at the same time. And in my Yet in a perverse way I’d managed to own mind, I also took the moral high get some strange satisfaction out of my ground by passing judgement on the plight. I’d become a martyr in my own quartet. If they were so good and mind, the victim of an unjust society thoughtful, I thought, why weren’t Requiem for a which would allow these terrible jail they concerned about the filth and conditions to continue. Somebody degradation of the jail? How could owed me something, or deserved to suf- they come to such a terrible place Resentment fer, because of the way I was being without being indignant toward the treated. community for maintaining this dis- Then something happened to raise graceful facility?Why weren’t they out my anger and resentment to a higher preaching to the city fathers for impitch. A quartet of singers- two men provements in conditions? And what dividual rights than AA members ap- and two women – arrived in the cor- gave them the right to force me to lis-

I was surprised to learn recently that I may be a party to offenses against certain rights. That’s because some alcoholics consider it a violation of their rights when people in authority pear to be. For me, this high regard for the individual has always been one of AA’s great attractions. Whether this rights matter is really ridor outside the cells to preach and ten to their preaching and singing? sing gospel hymns. They were nice- Why were they able to use public proplooking, well-dressed people in their erty in this way? I believed that both late twenties, but to me they exuded they and the jail officials had violated such as judges and employers prod a genuine issue or only a teapot tem- smug self-righteousness. my rights to be free from religion. them into attending Alcoholics pest, it did remind me of the time when . I saw their arrival as an unforgivable The singers left and I smoldered for Anonymous meetings, where I have I thought my own rights were being vi- violation of my rights, since there was the rest of the morning. I got out of jail sometimes signed court slips for them. olated by a quartet of gospel singers. no way I could avoid hearing their that afternoon, and soon left town and And since our program also mentions Though it took years to learn any les- preaching and singing. I prided myself drifted to southern California. My God, some agnostics are challenging son from this, the experience eventual- on being an agnostic who had aban- drinking got worse, though I managed AA’s strong influence in treatment ly helped give me more tolerance and doned the hypocrisy of religion, and I to stay out of jail. Several months later, supplied by public funds. understanding. Here’s how it unfolded. had special contempt for people who I made my first contact with AA, a I don’t think AA members or groups It was a Sunday morning in the performed their proselytizing services rather humiliating experience because ever wanted to violate anybody’s spring of 1948, and I was in jail in a in public. I also felt that all people the meeting was in a church in Santa rights. It would be hard to find any small Idaho town, serving a sentence should have an absolute right not to Paula, California. It took eighteen group of people more attentive to in- for being drunk and disorderly. It is still have such preaching and singing months and many such meetings be-

fore I was able to establish what has holic friend named Les to help give me ground: how I had found a spiritual of other people in society. And how safe turned out to be continuous sobriety, this new slant. program in AA and -finishing rather would anybody’s rights be if everybody beginning in April 1950. Les was a graduate of a college scornfully – how I objected to the in society lived and behaved as 1 did? In the process of getting sober, I gave founded by an evangelist known for his practice of forcing prisoners to listen to I also began to develop a touch of up my agnosticism and became a be- rigid fundamentalism. We had become singing and preaching against their gratitude for that Sunday morning exliever in-AA’Sspir- friends while work- will. perience. Of all the people in that itual program. But this didn’t put What most ing for a large corporation, where I was I paused in my tirade, expecting Les town, the four young singers were the to agree with me. But he said, with a only people who cared enough to visit me on common public relations thoughtful expression,”You know, Mel, the jail in the hope of helping us. None ground with the of us really manager and he you might be too hard on those people. of my drinking companions came to young people who held a sales training Did you ever stop to think that they see me in jail. I suspect that most of Lad sung to me position. Though through the bars of want is to offer Les was still a relimight have been praying for you?And maybe it was their prayers that helped them were laughing and joking about my plight, and didn’t care whether I the jail. Far from it! gious man, he no get you to your AA program.” lived or died. None of the bar owners I even managed to every alcoholic longer shared funda- Here was an idea that had never oc- whose establishments I had patronized arrive at the belief mentalist views. Yet curred to me. And I didn’t really have came to see me, nor did any other fair- . that AA had the he acknowledged an answer, except to admit that Les weather friends. true and correct the same that, he had ob- could be right. After all, I had learned But these four young people probaspiritual program tained a fine educa- in AA that prayer works, that it bly did care about those whom they while people such as the young gospel recovery and tion at his college and had received changed people and situations. Many considered to be lost souls. And it’s alof us in AA also believe in praying for most certain that they did pray for me, singers were mis- excellent prepara- others. And if my prayers have power as Les suggested. guided Bible- new life tion for graduate to change lives, how could 1 say that Today, when I think of these four thumpers who were studies. He seemed the prayers of roving gospel singers singers, 1 pray for them in my AA way, working entirely in to remember his unthe wrong way. I that was given dergraduate years in might not be just as effective?It was arrogant and egotistical to believe that thankful now that there are all kinds of caring people in the world to offset the still felt they had the same way I only AA prayers work. evil and destruction that are all around violated my Aghts. And I apparently t o us. thought about Navy That was more than thirty years ago, us. I also see it as a very minor problem boot camp: it was a and I’ve lost track of the friend who that they violated my rights. The largignored AA co-founder Bill W.’s writ- valuable experience, but not one I’d steered me to this new viewpoint. But er issue is that I and other men in that k g s about AA’s debt to religion and like to repeat. from that moment on, my thoughts jail were in terrible trouble with ourthe need to get over any resentment , As we talked, Les’s reference to this about the gospel singers changed. selves and life, and these singers wanttoward religious people. My commit- strict religious background made me, While I still don’t believe it’s right to ed to help. I disagreed with their ment to AA and sobriety was strong, think of the gospel singers who had in- force religious teachings onto jail in- approach, but they were at least on the however, and none of these lingering vaded my privacy in the jail back in mates, I’ve dropped any blame in the right track in their desire to help and resentments got me into trouble. 1948 (it was now 1965). It seemed to matter. Sure, my rights were violated. their belief that God has answers for But the time did come when I took me that they would have been right at But real honesty would have compelled people who are in deep difficulties, as I another look at that Sunday morning home in this school. So I told my me to admit that I was in jail because I certainly was. experience. It took a kindly nonalco- friend something of my own back- had been violating the rights and safety Now, ironically, I hear that I may be

violating people’s rights because my volvement with courts and employer Fellowship and the Twelve Step ap- programs, we should heed Bill W.’s reproach are sometimes being imposed minder that “our critics can be our on people without their consent, at benefactors.” We should also concede least according to our critics. And that AA should not be offered as the come to think of it, I have visited jails only way out of alcoholism. and talked to inmates about the AA But like those young gospel singers I program when other inmates were resented for so many years, I never rewithin earshot and thus forced to lis- ally set out to violate anybody’s rights, ten. Maybe these unwilling victims of nor would most of my AA friends. my preaching felt the same way I did What most of us really want is to offer when the gospel singers arrived! every alcoholic the same recovery and Well, we’ve always said that ours is new life that was given to us. And I a program of attraction only, so we hope I’m nor being offensive by declarshould be willing to drop or modify any ing that every suffering person should practice that violates individual rights have that opportunity as a God-given or smacks of too much coercion. If we right! are being criticized for too-close in- Mel B., Toledo, Ohio

August 1997

Old-Timers holics I had to be the best, and I was and doubts, yet 1 felt hope. Because 1 good and graduated with honors. I didn’t have any answers, I took the Felhadn’t crossed the line at that time. lowship on blind faith. I didn’t ask why Corner Meanwhile, one of my children got in’ but asked a million hows. AA told me trouble with the law, my son was there are no musts but a hell of a lot of wounded in Viet Nam, and my oldest you betters. I got sober, involved, went married and moved out of state. I was out speaking into prisons, cellars, alone a lot at night. I was working hard churches – anywhere I was asked. I’ve during the day, but my nights were sponsored many, young and old. There filled with pain and guilt. I was certain is no generation gap in AA – we all that God was punishing me through hurt one way or another, at sixteen or my kids. I just hadn’t been a perfect sixty. mother after all. Because I made the choice of doing I almost died in the operating room it the AA way, all the Promises in the as a result of alcohol, then had two Big Book have come to me. I’m filled more years of trying to control my with gratitude to be able to look up and A Daily Reprieve drinking. It was pure hell. I prayed for help, and went to my say, “Good morning, God,” and turn the day over for his direction. first meeting alone. I had many fears Fhence K., Venice, Florida

A s I walk out into the early dawn to pick up my newspaper, I raise my eyes to the beautiful Florida sky and say, “Good morning, God.” wise: I needed help because I couldn’t do it alone. 1 was a wife, a daughter, a nurse, and a mother of three, and I had no idea who I really was. My life was like a million other It wasn’t always that way. For many women of my era: the house in the subyears I woke up and said, “Good God, urbs, the station wagon detail, and the it’s morning!” I was filled with all the kids. My husband was a railroad man fears alcoholics know. and worked hard, but he really never My name is Flo and I’m a grateful al- knew or shared my deeper feelings coholic. I’m entering my twentieth about things. The progression of my alyear in the Fellowship. I can still re- coholism was slow: first, a drink to remember how I felt when I walked into lax, then a drink to face social my first meeting up north. situations, a drink to cope, a drink to I’d been told by my doctor, minister, stuff my feelings, and on and on. psychiatrist, and husband that I wasn’t I went back to school when I was an alcoholic – I just shouldn’t drink forty-one-years old to become a nurse, so much. But my gut told me other- a lifelong dream. Like most other alco-

September

Old-Timers den-cause theory was the basis for psy- most part – that we need not concern chiatric treatment of all mental illness. ourselves with causes of our alco- Since then the hidden-cause theory has holism. The emphasis should be on re- Corner been largely discredited. It has been dis- covery. But I also have noticed that covered that defective biochemistty, not those who belong to the “hiddenunpleasant experiences as an infant, lay cause” school of alcoholism continue at the root of such illnesses as schizo- to carry their alcoholism with them, ~hrenia r — nd manic- like a heavy bag, a depression. bag filled with those MY own experi- I used to get demon character ence and the expe- defects that are rience of other; in thirsty quite waiting to spill out – AA lone.,ago have and force a drink down their throats. convinced me that alcoholism is a bio- often, whether 1 The Big BOO^ tells chemical addiction. us that God relieves ~ d d i c t i o n sdon’t us of our alcoholism need help in makwas angry Or , if he is sought. In ing the addict . my opinion, carryknuckle under. No not, resentf ul or ing that bag amund reasons ~ ~ -. – bevond be- is not being relieved ing addiciid are of alcohol&m. not, in good H ow many times over the past twenty-eight years have I sat in AA meetings and listened to various members – good sober AAs every one- tell how anger or low selfcoholic drinking), mowing the grass on a hot day, a snowfall, a nice spring day, a rainstorm. In my case, I drank under all the conditions above and under any other necessary to explain why someone addicied to alcohol drinks. anv more or bad Character defects don’t get people drunk. If character defects got.us alcoholics drunk, who than hiddek causes esteem or resentment caused them to conditions you can mention. Not one or deep-seated feelings or dysfunction- among us would last long enough to take the first drink? And how many of them was ever responsiblefor my tak- al childhoods are at the root of ciga- celebrate a first anniversary?And how times have I cringed when someone – ing a drink. In fact, there was only one rette smoking. I used to smoke, too, and does one explain the removal of the no longer a newcomer -expressed fear reason why I ever took a drink in my I can tell you I felt more at ease when I desire to drink in the early s.tagesof rethat a particular character defect would life: I drank because I was thirsty. And I smoked; I had greater self-esteem, felt covery, before one has even approached cause him or her to take that first drink? used to get thirsty quite often, whether like I belonged in the crowd (almost Steps Six and Seven?In fact, if charac- Just in the last month or so, I’ve 1 was angry or not, resentful or not, in everyone smoked in those days), was a ter defects caused ui to drink, Steps Six heard the following causes advanced for good weather and bad. more brilliant conversationalist,and was and Seven would be Steps One and triggering the desire to take a drink: I know the Big Book tells us drink- much better in my relationships with Two. (I do think, however, that contin- . anger, resentment, feelings of low self- ing is only a symptom and we must women. But the truth is, I smoked for ued and deliberate wrong behavior can esteem, frustration (one member said search out the root causes. That was one reason: I was addicted to nicotine. lead one back to drinking because it rethis was the underlying cause of all al- written sixty years ago when the hid- We are told – and I agree for the moves one from the protective shield

N Old-Timers Corner

of the Higher Power.) course) I’ve discovered I can stay out of I belong to the “Let Go and Let the most dangerous small area in the God” school of AA – I let God han- world – my head. And I enjoy a freedle my alcoholism and my character dom from alcoholism and a freedom defects. Isn’t that what the Steps say? from fear, including a freedom from the Were entirely ready to have God remove fear of taking a drink. The Promises do all these defects of character. Humbly come true for us, if we work for them. asked Him to remove our shortcomings. I would suggest to anyone plagued I’m sober for one reason: I have no with the fear of taking a drink because desire to take a drink. That is the mir- of a character defect to keep in mind acle that God has performed – not that agonizing over character defects is me. My job is to stay close to AA, help in itself a character defect. Put your other alcoholics when I can, and fol- trust in your Higher Power, get out of low the Steps to the best of my ability, your head, smell the roses, and enjoy while attempting to practice the AA your day. That, 1 have found for me, is principles in all my affairs. By doing what the AA program is all about. these things (nowhere near perfectly, of BiU F. , Bena, Virginia

October 1997

Old-Timers ness in his approach to the AA program. He had years of sobriety and through three good jobs and always moved up, got promotions, made more when he talked, gesturing in a relaxed money (okay,maybe the problem 1had Corner way, reminding the group frequently with those martinis in the last job was that his father was Italian and his fa- beginning to show a little, but I was ther always said don’t worry about it, it never arrested, was I?). will always work out, he would add, Sobering up in the group with Frank “And it all will, a day at a time, if I and the others, I was still a doer. I ran don’t take a drink and at AA like I was rungive it a chance.” ning to the arms of my When Frank talked, I’ve found my mother, eager to show the others around the that I was the best, table smiled and nod- – him reded and nave place in the ready for the compliment. I got to the spect. I did too -and church early, set up the . he seemed to like me Fellowship. chairs, learned (from C h a i r Master and listened to me when I talked. Then an old guy named John) the special techhe gave that parting If not up nique of making coffee shot as I was leaving! in not one but two big I’m a doer. ~ 1 ~ ; ~ s frOnt, trying pots (I’ll make the best

T hose first few weeks in AA, the meaning of AA, trying to relate to Frank had begun to drive me guys like Frank. I’d been too good to nuts. He couldn’t resist. At the myself -rewarding myself with booze, end of every meeting, as soon as I left giving myself a break with booze, cozythe table and headed toward the door, ing into the bottle in the basement was. I was brought UD u

that way. My mother told me, you’re the best, you can do anything anybody else .

to be coffee, they’ll taste the impiovern&t), and on my six-month anniversary I was asked to be Friday night program he would yell across the room, “Hey, and look where it got me. 1 figured 1 can, set your goal, fol- in chairman. Terrific, I Bruce!” I would stop, turn, and wait for needed to do the opposite of being low your star. My dad thought, they recogit. Grinning ear to ear, he would give good to myself. 1 need to get tough said, don’t be lazy, get to work, I’ve got nize my leadership ability. 1’11 do the me the wink and pointed finger and: with myself: stop this stuff that I obvi- a job for you. best job yet. “Be good to yourselfl” I would nod and ously couldn’t handle. How did Frank I was a doer when drinking, too. I And I did. The Friday night promumble, “Sure, Frank, sure,” and go to get sober and stay sober all these years drank through college and finished grams got more interesting. I found difthe car. if that’s his philosophy and why the with honors (never mind the hospital- ferent ways to bring everybody out, get Driving, I would begin the internal devil is he singling me out with that ization that senior year with ulcers and them to speak. I passed around the dialogue: What the heck does that dopey farewell after every meeting? the medical caution about drinking). I “Twelve and Twelve,” got people to mean? Be good to myself?I was good But 1 liked Frank. There was some- drank through a marriage and held it read in turn. The group hadn’t done to myself – that’s what got me into thing about him. He was a rugged, con- together for sixteen years (it wasn’t the that before. They thought it was neat. I church basements trying not to drink fident, good-looking guy in his forties, drinking that caused the divorce, it was photocopied sections of the Big Book a day at a time, trying to understand . with a toughness about him, a direct- that incompatibility thing). 1 drank and the Hazelden guide to get folks

‘

into the Fourth and Fifth Steps. People their sheets into the middle of the table mouth with the back of his hand. He when it’s my turn; I lead a meeting were responding. I felt good, proud and growling a little. Shambles. And looked me in the eye and 1 looked when asked; if chairs need setting up, I ‘ even. then John said that the woman who away, down into the glass in front of do it for fun and not as Chair Master. Frank kept saying, “Hey, Bruce, be was making the coffee had quit show- me. But I was all ears. Frank was talk- Relaxing in the program, in Frank’s phigood to yourself?”And I kept trying not ing up and what was I going to do ing: “You know what being good to losophy, and not trying too hard have to be annoyed. But now there was a about it. And a week after that, a small yourself means?In your case, I think it become the gift of daily sobriety and a slightly sterner tone in Frank’s voice. delegation, all old-timers, pulled me means don’t try so hard. Getting sober new way of life. Every day, every meet- ‘ The smile was there, but he was serious. aside after the meeting and said (I for- is not some contest you have to win. ing, there’s something more to learn. I After I’d been sober in the group for get the exact words, because I was so You’re not being good to yourself by am sober. I am being good to myself. a year, I had moved from coffee maker steamed): “Too much is changing. Peo- putting yourself into a stressful situa- And occasionally I will spot him to chairperson to program chairperson ple aren’t used to it. Maybe it’s time for tion. And AA sure is not the place for the guy who is so uptight, the guy who to chairperson of the group. I didn’t you to give somebody else a turn.” stress. It’s just the opposite.” is beating himself up because he’s not . know that groups had chairpeople. I Two hours later, Frank found me. It’s been more than twenty years perfect, the guy who is trying so had been to some that didn’t, but mine Comer table, neighborhood bar. Drink- since I left that bar with Frank and my damned hard to get it right – and I’ll did and when I found out there was a ing soda. Thinking. Tired. Thinking. understanding of AA and what it meet him for coffee or talk to him afleadership ladder, I was in my element. Lonely. Thinking. Angry. I told him, as means to me has grown from that mo- ter the meeting. I’m not Frank; I can’t Set your goal, son. I did, in AA as out he settled into the other chair, a little ment. “Easy Does It” is not something say to him, in front of the group, “Be there, and here I was, at the top of this smile on his face, a nonchalant order to that comes natural to me. But within good to yourself!” But I’ll tell him my group. And I was secretly memorizing the waitress for “what he’s having,” that AA, it has come to make sense. Since story, and how I came to understand not only all the Steps but chapter five I was totally demoralized. that shaky beginning and the talk that that trying too hard in AA isn’t good in the Big Book and key passages from “What do you think the problem is?” night with Frank, I’ve found my place for me. Sometimes the guy will say that the “Twelve and Twelve.” I wondered “I don’t know. I was trying my best. I in the Fellowship. It is not up front, try- makes sense to him, too. if anybody had ever been able to recite, thought I was doing a good job, but ing to be in charge. I try to contribute Bruce H., Arlington, Virginia in perfect order, the names of the peo- Tom and Suzy said -” ple whose stories were in the Big Book? He raised his hands. “Whoa. Tell me That would be impressive! I resolved that part about trying your best.” to do it. “Just that. I tried damned hard to Then it began to hit the fan. One give something to the group, to make Friday night an older woman named it better, if I could.” Maude couldn’t read the photocopied “You think that could be the probsheet I had handed out because she had lem!” left her glasses home, and before I “I upset the group by really getting could show my flexibility and initiative involved?” by switching to another format or read- “Right now I don’t care about the ing it for her, the next guy said why group. I’m looking at you.” don’t we forget this reading stuff and “You see a guy that’s about ready to just talk about it and before I could give up.” smile and accept this, the next guy and Frank took a leisurely drink of his the one across the table were shoving soda and w i ~ e dthe corners of his

November 1997

Old-Timers our home group. One of our ladies took the New York office. We invited them us aside and said, “Don’t bring him to send speakers to our meeting on a Corner around here!” certain date and they did. When we Talk about taken aback! She sweetly had listened to their suggestions about explained that some of our member- how the problem could best be hanship had servants; she said, “And you dled, we prepared to vote our group know how people talk!” conscience. We had never had a woman as a Lo and behold, we looked up and chair of our group. One of the male there was a whole bunch of AAs who members used to stand up and say, were not members of our group, who “When a man comes through that were signing up new people so they door, he needs to see a man standing up could vote as part of the group conthere!” I can’t recall who was the first science. Upon further reflection, we

Practice These woman chairperson, but it wasn’t me. A certain faction was attempting to keep women from becoming members agreed that to vote as part of a group conscience, it was necessary to be a member of the group and not just some-

Principles of their group because they said, and I quote, “They will cause trouble among the men.” one who was rounded up at the last minute to carry the day for their way. There is one other example I’d like When the first two unmarried mem- to give about the group conscience and

w enever I see people fleeing from the opportunity to hear a discussion about the Traditions, it gives me pause for thought. I recall some things I witnessed in AA Some people in our group thought that only college graduates should be be members of AA. (They didn’t say you had to bring in your diploma, but I think that would have been next!) bers planned to live together, one of the women members proclaimed, “Membership in AA is by attraction rather than promotion, and that isn’t very attractive, is it?”I think she wanted to throw them out of the group of how helpful it can be in time of trouble. We recently had a secretary in our group who no longer wanted to fill his position. He said if we didn’t replace him he would close the group. That was so patently outrageous that I just before the Twelve Traditions were ac- We had groups in areas where there cepted at our first International Con- were large numbers of black people. there and then. Thank God for the ignored him! vention in July 1950. I was part of the They were listed in our group’s list as Traditions! He had invited me to speak at our discussion our group had about the Tra- “interracial groups.” That meant any- Concerning group conscience: our meeting and I had agreed to do it. 1 had ditions, which had been suggested but one was welcome to go there, but most group met in a hospital where the staff invited another woman to speak with not yet accepted by the membership as people attending would be black. I was representing the hospital was adamant- me. Then my phone rang and it was a whole. We were encouraged to talk taken aback but gratified the first time ly against accepting any money from us, the secretary. He told me I needn’t about them and send back any sugges- I spoke at an interracial group when even when we had explained about how bother to come to speak as he had can- . tions or changes we wished to recom- one of the members called out to me, we needed to be self-supporting. (It may celed the meeting. 1 was stunned and mend. This was early in April 1950. “Amen, Sister, Amen!” We took a new have had something to do with their tax blurted out, “You can’t do that!” He as- Let me share with you some of the member who was black to an interra- base.) Before it had been resolved, the sured me that he could and would. ideas that came out of our group from cial group so he would know there was whole group was in an uproar. I told him Jen and I would be there well-meaning members. such a group. We next brought him to We were able to agree to discuss the to speak at 7:30 and if anyone was entire matter with representatives from there, we would speak to them. If no

one was there, we would speak to each him it was not unheard of in the old other. 1 told him if no one was willing days for a treasurer to take the funds to be secretary, I would act as one until and go off on a drunk. I said the group they could find someone else. conscience should be consulted about He warned me against getting in- what to do. I am happy to tell you that volved; he said the money from the we did vote the group conscience and treasury could not be accounted for and the group is “hanging in.” I might be blamed for taking it. I told Marie K., Laguna Hills, California