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Source: Holly D – From Jacksonville, Florida – Date Unknown.mp3 File: holly-d-from-jacksonville-florida-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:09:08
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Not to knock her off the platform, it's water, just saying, good morning you guys, okay, hi, he's making me nervous, so I'm Holly, I'm an alcoholic, sobriety date September 28, 1996, home group, West Connette, we meet every Monday night in Jacksonville, Florida at 7pm at 3889 Eloise Street and we would love to have you, I love my home group, wow, so I don't even know what to say about the speakers that we've had so far, I mean I went back to my room last night and was in contemplation over the things I've heard this weekend, it was absolutely amazing, I can't thank you guys enough, it's just been really a powerful weekend, I mean I was texting my sober sisters and telling them about it and yeah, it was really amazing, and it made it very difficult to come up here this morning, very difficult, I'm like, well God, I have nothing, nothing, and I can't thank the committee enough, this is just amazing and to have my sober sister Chris and to get to develop a relationship with you has just been a gift, I mean really been a gift, and she spoils me rotten, like I got a text this morning, I'm at Starbucks, what do you want, I'm like, seriously, oh my God, and I was polite and said, no thank you, and then she knocked on my door with a Starbucks, I don't want to appear greedy, thank you, that was like really wonderful, and I try not to drink too much of it, because when I start talking it gets a little exciting, and I don't want to get overly excited, not anymore, there was a time, so I was talking to God this morning, and I'm like, okay, this is your show, and I don't know what you want me to say this morning, and I always want to kind of be in God before I talk, and I can't help but speak and think about my daughter, and I usually start off talking about my daughter just because it kind of kicks it off for me, and so that's what I'm going to do this morning, because my job here is to bear witness, I do the third step prayer every single morning, third and seventh step prayer I have to, I have to turn it over to God and say please remove the character defects before I go out and do any major damage, really important, but it's take away my difficulties that victory may bear witness to those I would help, of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life, so is that not my job, standing up here, but to bear witness, so that's what I'm going to try to do this morning, and talk about what was said before me, not what it was like, but what I was like, because that's what the transformation is all about, it isn't about did you get a house, did you get a husband, it's about what have you become, from what were you, and so that's what I'm going to talk about, and I like to talk about my life now first, only because if I don't I might not get there, and it's really important, because I think what's going on now is way more important than what happened many, many years ago, so what's been going on in my life now is that I alluded to and made a mention of the fact that I've lost a child, and I want to talk a little bit about that, because I lost a child, but I never lost the joy that this program has given me, and I never more clearly saw that than when I lost my baby girl, just about three years ago, and it's interesting because Friday was her birthday, so it's just interesting that I'm here this weekend with that, but it's always good to be in a safe place on those little dates, but almost three years ago on November 14th of 2016, I got a phone call from my daughter's fiance, and I have four children, my oldest daughter I didn't give birth to, I raised her, and then my first born daughter Casey, and then I have two sons that are a lot younger, Michael and Jonathan, everybody lives in Jacksonville well except for my desertion son, who decided to go to Hawaii to college, like hello, halfway around the world, and he's a professor at the University of Hawaii now getting his doctorate, so that's kind of exciting, I know, he didn't get it from me, not even close,
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but so I have these four amazing children, and then I have three grandsons, my oldest grandson is 24, my God, 24, and then 18 and 7, and they're all boys, a lot of boys, but on November 14th of 2016 I got a phone call, and it was my daughter's fiance, and my daughter had dabbled in Alcoholics Anonymous, she had probably been our sponsor once for about a week, she had done a small minor little stint in jail, she did nine months one time for writing illegal prescriptions all over the freaking counties of Florida, and she got arrested for that and went to jail, and then went to an in jail treatment program and came out, and she said, mom, it was just the pills, and she went a couple of years of not drinking and not doing anything else that anybody knows about, and then she decided it was just the pills that were the problem, but her Merlot was fine, and my daughter was very, very high functioning, she was absolutely gorgeous, she was extremely successful, just brilliant, brilliant, she and her fiance that she met in rehab, but now it's four years from rehab, so she and her fiance are buying a home, they're planning a destination wedding, she has a beautiful diamond on her hand, she's paid off all her credit cards, she's drinking her Merlot at night, but presumably everything is going fine, and I get a phone call Monday night, Donovan's on the phone, and he's like, I can't get a hold of Casey, we got in a big fight, she left, she went to the Omni to do some drinking, my daughter was a bit of a high roller, she went to the Omni to do some drinking, and I haven't heard from her, she won't text me, will you please text her and tell her I'm sorry, will she come home, I'm like, are you sure you want me to do that, because if I text her, she's going to know you told me, and you are going to get the wrath of Casey, and he said no, please, so I texted her, didn't get anything back, he called me the next morning, and he said she didn't come home, and I haven't heard from her, I'm going to call the cops and file a missing person, I'm like, okay, so I went over to his house, one street over from me, they were buying a house 60 seconds from my front door to hers, so I went over, and we called the police, and they came over, and they took the report, but they said, hey, she's 38 years old, she's a big girl, she drove away, she's allowed to leave you, right, she's allowed to leave, and she's probably holed up somewhere, she's mad at you, I'll file the report, but we're not going to look for her, so to make a long story short, that happened Monday night, we filed the report Tuesday morning, on Friday morning, there was a news report about a body that was found in the woods behind a seedy motel on the other side of town, and I knew, I just knew, and we called the police, I said, is that my daughter, and they said, well, we can't, it's an ongoing investigation, ma'am, we can't tell you anything, I'm like, just tell me, is she African American, Asian, or Latin, it's not her, and they said, we can't tell you anything, and we'll send an officer out to get some information, and they did, and we were all at my daughter's house, and people started to show up now, people are starting to show up, and about 3 o'clock that afternoon, three undercover detective cars pull up, so you know they're not there to tell you it's not her, and it was my daughter, and what had happened is, on Monday night, she'd gone to the Omni, she decided to buy a little something, something to snort, which she thought was heroin, which turned out not to be heroin, and she died instantly, and the drug dealers happened to see an opportunity, because she did have a nice diamond on her hand, and you know, a wallet full of credit cards, so they took her body, and they stashed it in a motel all week, and they used all of her credit cards all that week, they used her car to run drugs back and forth to Memphis, Tennessee, all of this we found out later, and then on Friday, they got nervous, and they dumped her body in the woods, actually they set it nicely against a tree, right where the staff would see her, when they came, I have to say, I mean they actually, they didn't dump her, they set her nicely, so that when somebody came to work, they would see her, and then they took her car, and they got out of there, and I share this with you, because of the lessons that I have learned, and am learning from this, because it's, it's really important, from this, because it's, it's crazy cool, what God does, in spite of what man does, so this is what happened, so they tell me that she's dead, right, and I have a house full of people, I have my sponsor, these are all there, I sponsor, not a lot, maybe 19 women, so everybody's there, and my sponsor's there, Polly, and my sober sisters are there, and Donovan has relapsed, he's freaking out, he broke his hand, punching something, the NA people are there, they're all in the backyard with him, trying to keep him calm, the house was full of everyone, my kids, my family, we had to go tell my little mama, you know, she's 80, and that was a little frightening, I didn't know how that was going to go, but, so we told her, and then, and we were all there, and we were all collected at the house, and then it was time for everybody to go home, it's Friday night, everybody's leaving, everybody goes home, and I had a couple of girls that wanted to spend the night with me, and I told a friend, please take them back to rehab, you know, I mean, they were,
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I think they wanted to spend the night with me, because they didn't want to go back to rehab, but I said, you know, please take them, I can't, you know, just take them back to rehab, I can't deal with this, you know, all night, so, so Jim took them back to rehab, he just walked by my car with a thumbs up, yeah, and I'm like, okay, good, and so, everybody left, I locked up Casey's house, I'm in the driveway, and now I need to drive the 60 seconds from my front, from her house to my house so I can get some sleep, right, and everybody's going to reconvene back at her house the next day, and this is what happens, I get into my car, it's dark, I've locked up the house, and I turn it on, and I put it in reverse, and I can't, I can't move, I put it back in park, and I grab my phone, you got pictures of your kids on your phone?
Yeah, me too, me too, so I take a, I find a picture of Casey, you know, and I just hold my phone to my heart, and my heart breaks, I've never experienced anything like it, and never will, ever again, and don't think about what it would feel like, don't put yourself, if you're a parent, don't do that, just say, oh, poor Holly, but don't put yourself in that position. So, I'm holding my phone to my heart, and I just start sobbing, I just start crying, and it was a pain that I didn't think I would survive in an instant, you know, it was just like, really horrendous, and I sobbed for about five or six minutes, and then I just, a smile came across my face, and it was in this smile that the lesson occurred, because all of a sudden I realized, I have so many people I love, and that was the thought, the thought was not, I have so many people that love me, the thought was, I have so many people I love, I have so many people I love, so many people that I need to watch out for, and take care of, and make sure they're going to be okay through this, I need to make sure my little mama's going to be alright, and oh my god, my other kids, you know, they just lost their sister, and my grandson, my daughter's son, he's 21 at the time, how's he going to do this, you know, how's this going to be for him, he lived with his mama, he worked for their company, his whole life was about her, my sponsees, everybody, oh my god, all these people, I need to take care of them, I need to make sure everybody's going to be okay, I need to do my part, that was my thought, and I thought, wow, and I put it in reverse and I went home, and when I got home I was in the shower, and I was sobbing, and I thought, I thought, this has been a really bad day, that was the thought that came to me, this has been a really bad day, and then I thought about all the other bad days I've had in my life, and how I behaved in the moment of a bad day, you've had bad days, right, I mean legitimate bad days, not just PMS, but you know, like legitimate bad days, you know, you have a bad day, like, you know, your boss is a jerk, or you get overlooked for a promotion that you were hoping to get, or you get a flat tire on the way to a brand new job, how's that going to reflect, or your boyfriend leaves, or he comes back, you know, but I mean a legitimate bad day, where you're really stressed out, and you walk into the house at the end of the day, and you have loved ones in the home, maybe it's your kid, or your dog, or your cat, or just messages that need to be returned, but you walk in, and you look at everybody, and you go, you know, don't even talk to me, I've had a bad day, and you've probably already texted them, or told them what happened, and so you know, you expect that they're going to understand, you know, like, you know what, don't talk to me, you want dinner tonight, order pizza, you know, I'm not cooking, that's not even happening, you step over the mess, you walk into your bedroom, you shut the door, I'm going to have a bubble bath, I'm going to relax, don't even talk to me, bad day.
What I realized that night when I got in the shower, is that I had the bad day of all bad days, you know, like it just doesn't really get much better, than that. And I realized that the next morning would be pivotal for me, because I had the card of all cards for bad behavior, I have the dead daughter card. And that means the next morning, I don't have to get up, I can wear my jammies all day long, I don't have to open the blinds, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to do anything, I can say the F word in public, you know what, people are just going to pat me on the arm, and they're going to go, oh honey, it's okay, we understand, you've had a bad day.
And what I realized in that moment, is that what I needed in order to get through the pain, that I was feeling, was you. I need you now in this moment, more than I have ever needed anybody in my life. I need to be connected, I need to be a part of, I need to be in, not out. And I had never seen the need for step 10 more clearly than that moment. Clearly, than that moment, that moment where, that defining moment where in pain what I want
[00:15:03]
to do is push you away. Wow! I had never noticed it before. Not to this extent. I never realized that when I have a bad day, when I have a bad emotion, when I have a negative feeling, I want to alienate you. Instinctually I want to alienate you. And yet I have a disease of conscious separation. Oh my God! And the only solution for my disease is conscious connectedness. And yet I'm going to separate myself from you. Oh my God! I got up the next morning and I'm like, thank you Casey for showing me this. I can't separate myself no matter what. I have to get up, I have to take a shower, I have to get ready, I have to go do the things I need to do. I had to contact every one of my sponsees and I said, I don't care if your shoelace breaks, you call me. Because you know they're not going to want to. You know I'm angry at my children, they spilled their milk. Well her daughter died, you know I'm not going to call her. No, call me. Call me, I need to know. There's a couple of them I kind of wanted to go, well no, I'm kidding. No. The crazier the better. Bring it on. And I'm telling you, if you ever consider not calling your sponsor because they're having a bad time, please, please call them. Call them. Oh my God, I did. I called all my sponsees and I said, you've got to call me no matter what, no matter what, no matter what. I need you, I need you, I need you. I called my sponsor, I went to my home group.
I was doing a step speaking thing at that time and I showed up and I did my speaking. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I suited up and I showed up and I did it. And I did it because I need you. Not because I'm anything. It was all about me. I needed you, I need the connection. I need you no matter what is going on in my life. Keep me out of the way and keep my feet moving. And it was such a powerful lesson for me. I mean it was the step ten lesson of all step ten. Thank God that God through Bill Wilson gave us that step. Oh my God, otherwise it would be like step nine, whoo, promises are here and then I'm going to get out into the world and alienate all of you one by one by one.
It won't take long. And all of a sudden I'm going to be seriously sober and seriously alone and then seriously thirsty. It just doesn't work for me. So that's been really, really powerful for me lately. And I have to just share this. It was funny, I was telling God about this this morning, I'm not going to share this and here it comes. So my oldest daughter, the one that I raised but didn't give birth to, has two children, both from the same husband. She's been married a long time, although he just left her for another woman a year and a half ago. So they're now divorced. But her two children are 18 and 7. And the 18-year-old, he just was at my house Thursday night. We do an October baby birthday bash every October at my house because my birthday is October and then my oldest and my youngest that I gave birth, Casey, and my youngest, Jonathan's birthday is the same day, which has been a little weird now but we're getting through it. So we're all October. And then my oldest son, Aiden, it's his birthday in October also. October baby birthday bash. Aiden has just turned 18 and Aiden is dying of cancer. He was just diagnosed early this year and it really, I don't know, but it doesn't look like, according to the doctors, they're saying hospice, so it doesn't look like he's going to make it. But he came, he came to my house, I got him a golden retriever puppy for his birthday because that's what he asked for. He wanted a puppy. And I asked my daughter if it would be okay because puppy, you know, it's kind of a big deal. And I said whatever he wants, I'm getting it. I don't care what it is. And she said yes. So we got him a golden retriever puppy. So they brought the puppy over and he walks with a cane and he's stooped over and he's skinny and bald and, you know, it's horrible. It's horrible. And Laura came to me and she took my hands and she said, I don't think, I didn't think I would be able to get through this, but I know I will because I've got you and you already did it because she lost her sister.
And I thought, the magic of God, right? The amazing, powerful, loving God. That Casey loses her sister, step-sister, we don't really use the word step in our family, but, and she could come to me and say, I know you've lost a child and so you're going to help me
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lose mine. Yeah, that's powerful stuff that I have nothing to do with. The only thing I did was put on my shoes and shower, right? Every day, like every day. And through all of that, through every single bit of it, I have not lost my joy. And I'm here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about joy because to me that is the spiritual awakening. When I'm God-filled, I have joy. I can be sad, trust me. I can be sad, I can be angry, I can be a lot of things, but I've never lost my joy since you gave it to me. And there's a trick in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know there's a trick, and the trick is, I think I alluded to it the other day, which makes this all weird, but anyway, it drives off your game. Because I don't know what I said and what I didn't say. But the trick in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I have a conscious separation from you and that what I think I need more than anything in the world is to be loved. I think I need that. That's my solution. Please love me, love me, love me, love me. I need you to love me, I need you to love me. Starting with like, go to love. Please, please love me. Please love me. And the solution is, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. You know, they say in the program that we're going to love you until you learn to love yourself. I want to change that. I want to change that. Because this is not a self-love program. I don't see anywhere in the big book where it says, you need to love yourself. It says in the big book that I need to love you. It is all about I need to love you. No matter what's happening, work with others.
No matter what's going on, work with others. Suit up every single day, give your life to God and go do God's work helping others. That's what I read in my book. And so what that means is that my solution is not please love me. My solution is not love me until I learn to love myself. The solution is love me until I learn to love you back. That's what I'm learning here. I read the 12 steps and I don't see that, but I work the 12 steps and I get that. It's absolutely amazing. What God has done to me is he has given me, through me, an unending resource of love. It just flows right through and out. And the only thing that can get in the way is me. I can turn the tap off. Me, not you. And isn't that the most freeing thought you could ever be given? That if you want the solution, if you want to feel love, if you want to feel love beyond your wildest dreams, if you want to look at women you don't know, listen to them share and find a tear rolling down your face because you love them and you don't even know them. Isn't that an amazing feeling? I know you felt it. It's an amazing feeling. You walk out of the room going, wow, I don't know what just happened, but I had a good day. A good day. And the only thing that I have to do are a few simple steps. I have to do step 10, step 11, and step 12 on a regular basis.
I have to keep me out of the way to the best of my ability. And trust me, I don't do it well. A lot of times I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe I just said that, or what were you thinking? Like I shared with you. I mean, it's a full-time job keeping me out of the way. The other little insight that I just had recently, and then I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like, but the other little aha moment that I've had recently is, do you ever pray? Well, let's hope so, but I mean, do you ever pray and say, please help me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. God, please help me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Out of the blue the other day, I realized that when I'm saying, please help me, I'm still in control. I'm asking God to give me a little assistance. Right? Please help me. You know, if I ask you to help me carry this, we're both taking an end. I haven't let go of it. And it's just a silly thing, isn't it? It's just a silly little word. It's just a silly little thing that we've learned. Somewhere along the line I learned how to pray, please help me, please help me, please help me. And it's a habit that I created, and I'm breaking that habit now. Because I have a problem of self, and my subconscious knows what my conscious is saying, I believe. And I think the more that I ingrain, please help me, the more that I think I have to do my part in managing. You know, and my favorite line in the big book, favorite, favorite, favorite, most applicable line to Holly has already been spoken once by this lady over here. When you said it, I'm like, yes! And I'm going to change the pronoun because I can. Is she not a victim of the delusion that she can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if she only manages well? Yeah, that was as true in 1980
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and in 1995 as it is in 2019. Because I can manage well my program, I can manage well my sponsees, I can manage well my family very, very quickly. I can believe that if I manage those things well, I will then receive the gifts that I should be given. It is absolutely this problem. That's why I sponsor as many women as asked. I never say no, ever. My sponsor told me I'm not allowed to say no. Of course, she sponsors, what, 117 women? Oh my God!
But I'm not saying please help me anymore. It doesn't say that in a seven-step prayer. It just says take away my difficulties, right? It just says I'm giving all of me to you, good and bad. Remove them, remove them as you see fit, right? I don't even get to pick and choose what character defects God takes from me. It seems like he leaves me with the ones that cause me the most grief and seems to work on the ones that cause you the most grief. I don't think that's fair, but that seems to be the way it works. Right? What?
I don't know why the picture of my boyfriend just came to my head, but it did. Yeah, I have some great lessons coming up. It's going to be interesting to see what comes out of my mouth in the next year because my boyfriend just moved from LA to Florida and he's at my house. Yeah, I'm not even really sure what we're doing. He's just sort of there. I'm like, honey, we need to talk. I'm not really sure what we're doing. I don't feel good right now. We don't need to talk right now. I'm like, okay. I'm going to Cleveland.
Maybe you can give it a little thought while I'm gone. Oh my God, I don't know how to do this. I didn't have a boyfriend for 11 years. I mean, I didn't have a boyfriend. I had nothing for 11 years. You with me? It makes you a lot more patient. Well, we'll just wait and see. All right. So now let me tell you a little bit about what happened and how the heck I got here. Okay. So I was born in a little town, North Chicago, Libertyville, Illinois.
And I was raised there. My daddy was a prominent surgeon in the community. My mom was a typical alcoholic housewife. And I can say that because she's 38 years sober. But back then she was not. And my mama drank martinis. She cried and she went to sleep. That was what my mom did. And that's what I thought an alcoholic woman looked like. She pretty much, that's about all she did. We had a housekeeper and we had a cook that did all of that stuff.
And my mom pretty much just drank and slept. She wasn't very active in my life. And my job with my daddy was to take care of him. He was a prominent surgeon in the community and he was also a mainline amphetamine user. And for those that don't know what that means, it means he got the really good stuff that makes you go up and he shot himself up with it and then he went, whoo! So it was very, very exciting around my house. We had a beautiful ranch style home on the outside of town with a circular driveway, the kind that has like woods in the middle, you know, like a big, big place. And he would drive sometimes through the circular driveway with his convertible Cadillac shooting up the front of the house.
It was kind of crazy. You know, bullets would come through the front dining room window. Everybody in the house would just hit the floor and then call the glass man. You know, it's kind of what you did. So my job was to take care of him, watch out for him. He trained me to listen in the wall for bugs. He taught me what G-Men look like, what they wear, kind of hats they wear, kind of cars that they drive. He taught me how to take electronics apart, sweep them, and looking for electronic devices so I can sweep a room, trust me. He taught me how to drive. We also had a small convertible Corvette. He would sit me on his lap and we'd go to Wisconsin where the roads are long and flat and he'd floor it and I'm driving and he's screaming and I'm screaming and we're screaming for different reasons.
But I do still like best cars to this day from that. He taught me how to shoot guns in case I ever needed to protect him. A lot of neighborhood animals disappeared during that time, but I don't kill animals now. So I was trained. I was trained to be his protector and to watch out for him. That was my job and I loved it. I loved my job. I loved my daddy. It was the most amazing, amazing experience. My daddy, it was the most amazing, amazing experience to watch out for him and hang with him and do stuff with him and then help him come down.
[00:30:01]
He would lock himself in the powder room off the master bedroom when he had a surgery on Monday and he would just stay in there and I would put a pillow and a blanket and I would just sleep in front of the bathroom door and talk to him and talk to him until he could come down and go to surgery on Monday. And that was my job. And I want you to know that I was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 years old during this.
That was the period of time that I was doing. I have a very, very acute memory. I remember back to being 6 months old. So I'm very, very clear on my childhood. I also had really long blackouts. Like I would go into a blackout and come out in a relationship, you know, like a couple of weeks later. I stayed in blackouts for a long period of time. So I don't know if that correlates with the brain. I guess they can figure that out when I'm dead.
But let's hope they wait. But that was my job and I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I thought it was wonderful until I went to kindergarten. And I want to tell you about decisions that I made about myself over my life. I think that it forms who I have become. And my first day of kindergarten, I was 4 years old. I went to kindergarten early because I was already reading. I had to read novels by the time I was 4.
I did math. I helped with the checkbook. I helped my daddy with all the household management and running of the household. That was my job, too. Mama, you know, like I said, she drank martinis. She cried and she went to sleep. So my first day of kindergarten, I remember my mom wanted to walk me. I'm a mother now, so I get that. But at the time, I was like, mom, I drive cars and shoot guns. You don't need to walk me into school.
So she didn't. So I went to my first day of kindergarten. I'm 4 years old. And I walk into the kindergarten wing of Copeland Manor Elementary School. Double doors. I walk in. I close the doors behind me and I'm amazed. Because what is in front of me is something I've never experienced in my life. It's a kindergarten room. Do you remember kindergarten? Oh my god. Mobiles hanging from the ceiling. There were pallets up for finger painting and drawing with charcoal.
There were little tables and little chairs. There was a reading circle. That really rocked my world. There were blocks, things to build with. It was a magical experience. And I stood in the doorway with my hands behind my back and I took it all in. The only problem with this room is that there were all these little 4 and 5 year old kids running around. And they all were just interacting and playing and holding hands, going potty together and, you know, doing all that stuff.
And I was looking at them and I had no idea what to do. None. I looked at that room and I thought, I want to do that. I want to play. I want to, what are they doing? And I thought, how do they know and I don't? And I realized in that moment that there was something really wrong with me. So I did what I think all little brunette girls do. I picked a little blonde girl out that was kind of cute, had little bangs, seemed like she knew what she was doing, getting along pretty good.
So I just copied her. I just walked like she walked, talked like she talked, said what she said so that I could get along and function in this realm of little people. When I was 5 years old, my dad said it was time that I could start serving drinks at his cocktail parties. They entertained a lot. I hated it when they entertained because everybody treated me differently. And I know today that when other adults were around, they treated me like a child, which made no sense to me whatsoever.
It was very confusing and I didn't like it. So this particular cocktail party I have on my favorite little brown dress, little white collar. It was twirly. I kind of like twirly. And I was not having a good time. You know, I'm down here. Everybody else is up here. But other than that, you know, like nobody's talking to me. They're not paying attention to me. Nobody likes me. I don't fit in. I feel very awkward.
You know, I just didn't feel good at all. I just felt, oh, I don't know, restless, irritable, and discontent. And my dad taught me how to make my mom's martini. And it's a highball glass, a whole lot of vodka, a little bit of lemon. Call it a martini. So I fixed that. And I'm walking across the room with this glass, this highball glass in my hand. And I did what I think all little five-year-old alcoholics would do, right?
I just went, boom, yeah. I mean, I took a gulp of that vodka. I'm not a sipper anyway. I'm a gulper. You know, I can't drink bottled water in meetings because that thing always deflates and makes all that noise. It's really weird. I don't know how people just, like, pour it in there anyway. So I just, boom. And I hit that vodka, and it burns going down, and it burns good. I mean, don't you remember?
I mean, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was amazing. And so I, boom, a couple more times, boom. I'm hitting the vodka, walking across the room. And all of a sudden, the magic happened, right? The magic happened. My world went from black and white to color like that. Amazing. I'll never forget the party. It was absolutely wonderful. Everyone talked to me. I was so articulate. I had amazing conversations with everyone who was there.
I looked absolutely gorgeous. I fit in. I loved you. You loved me. It was wonderful. And at the end of the night, I said, whatever that was, I'm going to drink that stuff as often as I can. Now, I'm not here to tell you that I was a daily drinker from age five, but it was very close. I mean, alcohol was open and prevalent in our family. We could have it. It was not a big deal to drink.
[00:35:00]
We had wine every night with dinner. My mom would pour me a glass of beer when we watched Star Trek. You know, like, any of those, the original Star Trek. So it was easy for me to drink, and so I did. I drank frequently because it was just because I could. When I was eight years old, my daddy freaked out one night. He used to freak out a lot, you know, do things like rip phones off the wall, shoot guns.
He'd set up a tripod by the front door sometimes with guns on it, and we'd come home from shopping. I always had to go in first to see if the coast was clear before my mom brought my baby sister. And I would open the door, and he'd have a tripod set up with guns on it with strings around the trigger, and he'd be around the wall laughing. And I'd be like, nope, close the door, go back. No, mom, we can't go in.
We got to go somewhere. And so that was kind of normal that he was a little nuts. You know, I never worried about being shot. You know, people have asked me, were you a victim of child abuse when you were little, and I'm like, well, other than the shooting, no, but nobody got shot. And I never believed he would shoot me. Of course, I was three, four, five. You know, what I know today is that, well, my mom has shared, obviously, with me since then that people thought every day they were going to come over and our whole family was going to be dead.
But I never believed that. I never believed he would shoot me. I just managed him. But this particular night, he was particularly nuts, and he would pull appliances out and throw them through windows and rip phones off the walls when they were on walls, you know, just really crazy. And this particular night, he grabbed my baby sister and was holding a gun to her head. So I went out the window, and I went to the neighbor's house, and I called the police.
And they came, and they took him to wherever they took prominent surgeons. It was not jail, trust me. And they took him away. And my mom left him. She divorced him. We moved to another house in Libertyville, and it was probably about eight months went by. And then it was time for him to come and visit, come and see my sister and I. And I was so excited. I mean, this is my daddy. I'm eight years old.
I can't wait to see him. And I waited in the front window. My mom said I put on my favorite dress. I don't remember what I was wearing, but I remember waiting in the front window. And he pulled up in the driveway. I'm super excited. He walks in the house. He walks past me, picks up my baby sister. He walks out of the house, and he does not say one word to me. And he did not say one word to me for 20 years.
What I did not know then that I found out later are two things. First, he is not the baby daddy. He is not my real father. There had been another real father early on that was not in my life at all and did not get into my life really ever, although I did hitchhike out and meet him once. So he's not my real father. And back then in the 60s, if you got divorced and he's not your real father, he doesn't get visitation of you.
And second, you don't rat out an amphetamine user. They don't take it well. My job, I was trained specifically to protect him. That was my function in the family. And I'm the one that ratted him out. And he never forgave me for that. And he was an amphetamine user until the day he died. So it was just not something that he forgave. But what he did do was he began telling my sister that I was evil, and that I was bad, and that she should stay away from me and not listen to me.
And she would come home from her visits with her daddy and little sisters toddle around behind you, and that's what she would do. She would follow me around saying, daddy says you're evil. Daddy says you're bad. Now I already know there's something dramatically wrong with me. So I'm thinking maybe that's it. Maybe I'm evil. Maybe I'm bad. That makes sense. Because I know I don't fit in. I don't fit in anywhere.
I drink all the time. I've already had my first alcoholic convulsion by the time I'm 12. I mean, I'm drinking. When I'm 13, my mom remarries. And she remarries a little German guy. He's 10 years younger than her, 10 years older than me. He comes from a small farming community where children are seen and not heard. Really, women were seen and not heard. And he came into my home. And I've been running a household since I'm two, right?
He sits down and he says things to me like, OK, now if you want a Pepsi out of the refrigerator, you need to ask permission. Yeah. If you're going to go to a friend's house this weekend, I need to know where you're going to go, the address, the name of the parents, and the phone number. No. No. I'm sorry. We've been fine without you. Thank you for your input, but it's really not necessary. You and mom have a wonderful time.
And that didn't sit well. And what would happen is I would say, I'm going to do something. He'd say, no, you're not. Yes, you are. No, you're not. Yes, I am. And then he'd just punch me in the face. And I'd fall down, get back up, yell and scream. He'd punch me again. And he would just beat me up. And he would beat me up. And then I would run out of the house, which actually works well. When you go to a friend's house, they feel sorry for you.
And so you get a little extra whenever you're there. So then he gets drafted. And mom's going on. And he's still young. He doesn't want to go in the Army. So he joins the Navy, becomes an officer. He's college degreed. So off we go. We leave Libertyville. We go to Newport, Rhode Island, so we can go to OCS training there. When I'm in Newport, I start running away from home. And when I run away, I have a lot of energy.
And I had a lot of energy when I was young. And what I do is I drink. I don't fall asleep, cry and fall asleep. I drink and I go. I love to travel. So I hitchhike. And I start going places. And I'm going all over. And so he gets his final station after he gets out of OCS.
[00:40:04]
And he gets stationed in New Orleans. So in December of 1970, we arrive in New Orleans, Louisiana. And I think I've died and gone to heaven. I mean, alcohol's everywhere. It's absolutely amazing. People are walking down the street with drinks. I'm like, this is going to work for me. Hey, parties everywhere. So it's time for school. January, my mom drops me off at the high school. I'm halfway through my freshman year.
Drops me off. I go into school. They load me up with a bunch of school books. That's back when they had those. And I've got all these school books. And this very nice young man comes up, another little freshman kid, and asks me if I need help finding my locker, stowing away my books. I'm like, yes, please. So we do that. We find my locker. I stow everything away. Thank you very much. I don't even get his name.
He walks off. The end of the day, I walk outside. And three black girls jump me and beat me to a pulp. I mean, beat me down. And I'm not a fighter. I'm a runner. So I'm not very good at self-defense. I just kind of do the possum thing, you know, like play dead, curl up, armadillo possum. That's me. So I get all beat up. And I go home. And I walk into the house. And my parents, and by the way, whenever I save my parents, I'm always talking about my mom and whoever she's married to at the time.
I think that's important to qualify that. So I walk into the house. And my parents, my stepdad and my mom, are sitting at the dining room table. I'll never forget it. I walk in. I'm beat up, beat up, pulled hair. Women, they pull your hair when they fight. I don't understand that. I should just shoot people, but I wasn't armed then. So that's probably good. So I walk in the house. I'm all beat up. And both their heads turn.
And they look at me. And they say, what did you do? Because see, I've been running away from home. I'm already trouble, right? And I look at them. And I say, I didn't do anything. And they say, yeah, right. And they turn back to their conversation. So I just go up to my room. And I go to bed. And I get up the next day. And I have to go back to school. And I get on the bus that day. And the bus drops me off in front of the school.
And I'm terrified. If you have no idea why you're getting beat up, how do you prevent it? And I didn't know why I got beat up. I do know now what I did not know then. And that is that in 1971, there was a thing going on in New Orleans, Louisiana, called desegregation of the schools. And it wasn't going well. And that first day of school, the National Guard was there. I mean, it was problematic. And that little boy that helped me find my locker was black.
Now, I'm from Libertyville, Illinois. I don't see color. I mean, I see it. But it doesn't mean anything to me. I mean, I can get a tan. My color changes. People are just people to me. I had no idea what was happening. So I didn't know, apparently, that I was not supposed to talk to a little black boy if I'm a white girl. And that's why I got beat up. But I didn't know that. So I'm standing in front of that school.
And I'm looking at that school. And I don't want to go in there. I don't want to get beat up again. I mean, I know there's something wrong with me. But do I have loser written all over my face now, that people are just beating me up because of who I am? I'm terrified. So three blocks away from my school is the ferry. And if you get on the ferry, it goes over the Mississippi River, and it drops you off at the foot of Canal Street, which is the opening to the French Quarter.
So instead of going to school, I go down. I jump the ferry. And I start spending my days in the French Quarter. And in 1971, there was a lot going on in the French Quarter in New Orleans, Louisiana. And I partook of all of it. I started traveling quite a bit. I would party. I fell asleep on a freight car. One time, I woke up in Iowa, like Iowa. Who goes there? Iowans? I would wake up in Galveston. I woke up on a lot of places.
And sometimes, I didn't wake up. I just beamed back in. You ever do that? Like, people always talk about blackouts. I came to, and I was in this place. No, I just beamed back in. I was in motion. It's really weird when you beam back in, and you're in the middle of something really weird. I'm like, oh, do I know you? Pour me a drink, quick. So what happens, I'm 14 years old. And my parents think that this disappearing and hitchhiking around the United States thing might be a problem.
They think there might be something wrong with me. And so they take me to a psychiatrist, Remy Gonzalez-Gonzalez. And Remy says to them, we need to take Holly into our mental institution, for which she is the director of DePaul's mental institution on Audubon Park. Lovely place. Two brick buildings that face one another with a lovely courtyard in between. And on the inside, it's one floor over the cuckoo's nest.
They strap you in leather straps, and you have to kind of walk like they put them on your ankles, too. And they strap you down on cots at night in the hallway with the fluorescent lights over you. But if you're a really good girl in group, they'll give you privileges. And then you get a day pass to the French Quarter, and then you disappear, and then the cops find you. And by the way, if you're an escapee from a mental institution, you can do anything.
Anything. You don't get arrested. They just bring you back to the mental institution. I just thought that was good information for any of you. I just thought that was good information for any of you that might want to know. Woo! It's a free-for-all. No rules.
[00:45:05]
So they thought there was something wrong with me and they took me for the three-day evaluation at DePaul's Mental Institution and they kept me there for a year and a day. And the only reason that they let me out is because the insurance ran out. And so I'm 15 years old and we have that meeting, you know that meeting where they talk about you while you're there and everything's in third person? Yeah.
So I'm on the couch and I'm like this, I'm 15, and he's talking to my parents. And he says, Mr. and Mrs. Brandel, it's unfortunate that we have to let Holly go today, but as you know, the insurance, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they said, but in preparation for bringing Holly home, what you need to do is make funeral arrangements. And my mom's like, ooh, crying, and my stepdad's like, I told you, Carol, I told you, Carol.
And Remy says to my parents, you see, the problem with Holly is that she is a sociopath. Yeah, she's a sociopath. And what she's going to do is self-terminate. She's going to put herself in a position where she's killed or she's just going to blow herself up with her lifestyle. And there's nothing that you can do about that, so please make those preparations. And then they let me out. Now what I know is I knew there was something wrong with me.
I knew when I was 4 years old that there was something very wrong with me. I knew my little sister that my dad thought I was evil, my daddy thought I was evil and that I was bad. Now I finally have the diagnosis. Now I know what's wrong with me. I am a sociopath. I'm terminally insane, and I'm going to blow and go until I die, and it won't take long. And out I go. And I'm 15, and I spend the next 8 years proving it.
I hitchhike all over the United States, and it was not pretty, it was not fun, it was horrible. I ran with some really, really bad and dangerous people doing some really, really bad and dangerous things. I came out in blackouts in really bad situations. I absolutely believe in angels, because I really shouldn't be here today. I really should be dead or in prison. And it was horrible. It wasn't fun.
I didn't wake up in nice places. I woke up in bad places, like orange-shed carpet stuck on the side of your face. You open one eye at a time in some sleazy motel in some sleazy town with some sleazy people. When I was 18, I blew through New Orleans one time, just kind of passing through. And I ran into this guy. He was a friend of a guy I'd been dating, and we'll use that term loosely. But I ran into Tim.
He had just gotten out of jail, actually, and he was driving down the street. And he rolled over and went, oh, hey, what you doing? You want to come party? I'm like, yeah, jumped in the car with him. And we went off partying, and we woke up married. So we had written our parents notes, apparently, when we were drunk. We were sleeping in his house, and our houses were three blocks apart, and told our parents we were off to be married.
So we're sleeping in his house. It's like that afternoon the next day, and we wake up married, and oh, my God. And then his dad comes in and says, well, son, now that you're married, I guess I need to get you a job down at the shipyard. And his dad was some big muckety-muck down at Avondale Shipyard. He said, I can get you a job making $7.50 a week. $7.50 a week. This is 1976. Tim and I looked at each other and went, we're staying married.
That's a lot of money. And then we did what all young, romantic, alcoholic couples do. We got an apartment. We partied. We beat each other up. We locked each other out of the house naked. We called the cops on each other all the time. We cheated on each other. Well, is it called cheating? I mean, at some point it's not cheating anymore. You know, you're just sleeping with everyone. It doesn't even really count.
And then in 1978 or 77, I decided to go to college. Now, here's the fun thing. I didn't go to high school much. I mean, I dabbled in high school. I was always enrolled somewhere. But I was hitchhiking around the United States. It makes attendance difficult. So, you know, I didn't go to school much. But they used to put me in foster homes all the time because I'm a reader. I'm an avid reader. And I was an avid reader then.
And so I would take on the characters of novels that I was reading whenever I was out hitchhiking around the United States. And I would be that character. I would take on that character's entire life, their history, everything. So I had an amazing story. One time I was French. I spoke French the entire time. Because I studied French since I was in fifth grade. So at that time I could speak it. And I was a French person once.
A French woman named Jacqueline. It was wonderful. But what happens when you travel around the United States and it's, you know, like in the early 80s, they don't have Internet. They don't know who you are. They can't figure it out. So if you're a character in a novel and you give them a whole backstory when they arrest you, because I always got arrested because I never looked my age. I always looked like I was 10, you know, when I was older.
I mean, the only reason I have any curves at all is because I have a really good plastic surgeon. So, you know, the idea that they would put me in foster homes is what they would do because they wouldn't know what to do with me. They'd arrest me in Iowa, like that time. And then when I would get fed up with the foster home or it was a bad foster home or something was awful or a detention center, then I would tell them who I really was and then they would send me back home.
So one time I was in a foster home in Pensacola and I was with a truck driver's wife. He was gone all the time and she was wonderful.
[00:50:00]
We went out drinking every night. After the bars closed, we went to after-hour clubs. They used to have those. You BY your own B and go to after-hours clubs. It was awesome. So we're sitting in an after-hours club and we're drinking beer with tomato juice. Don't ask me, but that was her thing. So beer with tomato juice. That's just nasty. So I remember drinking that. And she looks at me and she goes, oh, I forgot to tell you, I signed you up for the GED this morning.
And I'm like, what? And she goes, yeah, I'm going to take you to Pensacola Junior Club. And she's like, you're going to take your GED at 8 a.m. But don't you worry, because I have this black pill, it's called a black beauty, and I'm going to give you this and you're going to be fine. And I'm like, okay. So she took me to Pensacola Junior College from the after-hours club. And I'm trash and she gives me the black beauty and I swallow that little baby.
And I go in to take my GED. And here's what I want to tell you. I got a letter from the state of Florida. I aced the GED. 100% on the GED in the state of Florida. Now, I also want to tell you, I did not sleep for three days and I ate out the inside of my mouth. Now you do that. Oh, my God. It was the worst thing ever. I'll never forget that. But some of the foster home experiences were kind of fun.
So now it's 1977 and I have my GED so I know that I can go to college. So I thought I'm going to go to college because, you know, Tim's making good money. And in 1978, I take a course where I have to do a thesis and the topic I'm given is The Effects of Alcohol and Drugs on Pregnancy and Breastfeeding. Now this is long before that was cool. Okay? That was my topic. So I'm doing a thesis on The Effects of Alcohol and Drugs on Pregnancy and Breastfeeding and I find out I'm pregnant.
Yeah. So I know. I know. And so, for whatever reason, I was able to… I didn't do anything while I was pregnant. Because I'm writing a thesis on it. You know, it's like, you can't miss it when it's right here. So I have my daughter. I have Casey. I breastfeed Casey for two months and as soon as I stop breastfeeding her, I'm back to the races. When she was nine months old, I went out for a mixer and I disappeared.
I didn't come back. And I don't remember that nine months. I don't remember much of my… Like, I don't remember 16 and 17 at all. I broke off after Casey was born. I don't remember much. I have a scar on my forehead. I know I fell in a hotel in New Jersey. I was there with some guy. And I had a big hole in my face. They rushed me to the hospital. The hotel was all like, Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
And they had some very nice young… Some guy from the hotel take me to the emergency room, get me stitches, and they're going to give me a suite at the hotel to recover. I asked him to stop and get some cigarettes for me I used to use it a lot when I needed to travel and I needed wheels. So I took off with this car and I remember I wanted to see New York. I was in New Jersey. It was close. So I went over the Washington Bridge.
That's all I remember. So it was trash. I went over the Washington Bridge in this car. But I never got the cigarettes, right? So I needed cigarettes. So I stopped at a store and I ran in to get cigarettes. And while I ran in to get cigarettes, somebody stole my stolen car. So I was barefoot. I'd left my purse, my shoes, everything in the car. All gone. I had just grabbed money to go in and get cigarettes in.
So I was barefoot. I was wasted. I was in New York City, wherever the Washington… Not a good neighborhood. And I remember spending a day there and I remember running into some people and taking something and really getting messed up. And then I know a little boy came up to me and I was laying on a park bench. And I was crying and I was sick. Really sick from something somebody had given me. Something I'd taken, let's be clear.
And he said, My mommy will take care of you. And he was like eight, by himself, in the park. Follow me. And I went to a tenement house in the Bronx, I think. It's 189th. I don't know if there's any New Yorkers around here. And it was the kind of tenement housing where there's no glass on the windows and people are sleeping on the stairs, walking up. And there's no elevators. And I went to this home and this woman, it was a black woman, black family, and she was gospel music playing.
She's sweeping and cleaning this place. The bathroom shower is a pipe hanging out of the wall with water dripping out of it. I mean, it's like rough. And she is just this most amazing angel woman. And she nursed me back to health and she got ahold of my parents and my family and they shipped me to Pittsburgh and brought me back to New Orleans. And she said now she's divorced the Navy guy. She's remarried to an architect and she lives in Houston.
And she takes me to New Orleans and she says, please, you need to stay here. She pays for an apartment for me. And then she says, your husband and your daughter need you. And I tried. I tried so hard.
[00:55:01]
I didn't leave. I didn't leave town. But I was drunk every day. I mean, I went to the bars every night. I was 81. I went into a bar and a guy asked me if I wanted something, something. And I said, sure. I left with him. And I ended up in a really bad scenario. I ended up out on a dock somewhere. I don't know where we were. And he was beating me and raping me or whatever. You know, it's funny. I hear women say they were raped.
And I think, that was just like, that was the day-to-day life. I never really used that word in a bad way. It always felt like, that's just what we did. So he was beating me. And I remember his face was right here. And I didn't get the something, something. So I wasn't in a blackout. His face was right here. And he was just pounding me. And I looked at him and I made eye contact. And I said, please kill me.
And it freaked him out. And he ran off and he left me there. And I remember I passed out for a while. And I came to later. And I called my mom. It's about 5 in the morning. I call my mom in Houston. I go, Mom, I was mugged last night. That's the kind of stuff you say. I was mugged last night. And I'd really like to come to Houston and hang out. Because she's married to an architect and they have a pool.
She said, can you get to the airport? Duh. So I go to the airport that day. And there's a ticket for me. And I fly to Houston. And I get off the plane in Houston. And I had one eye shut completely. It couldn't open. It was purple and just completely shut. And this eye was all purple. But I could still see through it. My nose was slit all the way through here. I think he had a ring on when he was pounding me.
My lips were all busted. I had broken ribs. I get off the plane. I walk out. My mom says nothing. Now I look like that a lot in my life. But Mom doesn't notice a thing. I was on Alcoholics Anonymous for three days. No offense to the newcomers. But my mom had the newcomer blinders on. It was all about Mama. Which is awesome. Because then she said the words that saved my life. She said it would mean so much to me if you would come to a meeting with me tonight to support me.
And she meant it. It was really about her. And here's the deal. I want to crash at my mom's house. I need to crash at my mom's house. So I'm going to suck up big time. So I'm like, oh, Mom, I'm so proud of you. And I look. So I go to my first meeting on February 3, 1981. And it's in a little smoke-filled trailer that sits in the parking lot of an Episcopal church in Kingwood, Texas. And I walk into that meeting.
And I'm checking it out. I want to know what this gig is my mom's got herself into. Because nobody has ever said to me maybe she shouldn't drink. Ever. I am not an alcoholic. I am a sociopath. No doubt. Mama is an alcoholic. So I'm listening. And I sit down and I listen. And all of a sudden, this little woman across the room starts talking about being terminally insane. What? She says this crazy woman used to take her everywhere across the country.
All she'd have to have is a few drinks. And she would wake up in bad places doing bad things with bad people. And that she thought she was terminally insane. And that that was going to be her life forever until she died. And then she found out she was not terminally insane. That she had a disease. And that disease is alcoholism. And she said, if you have that disease, there's a way to cure it. There's a way to cure it.
And she found out she had a disease. And that that disease is alcoholism. And she said, if you have that disease, there's a way to cure it. And the steps were on the wall. And she said, all you've got to do is work these steps. And you never have to feel like that again. Oh, my God. I was sitting in my little chair and I was thinking to myself. Oh, please. Let me be an alcoholic. Oh, my God. I want to be one so bad.
Because I've never had hope in my life. And I thought it was impossible. I've never had hope in my life. I was four years old standing in a kindergarten room. And I knew there was something desperately wrong with me. My daddy left me and never spoke to me again. He said I was evil. People used to beat me up for no apparent reason. And then I found out I was a sociopath. I've never experienced hope ever.
But if I'm an alcoholic, there's hope. Hope. At the end of the meeting, they did the same thing. They said, if you have that disease, there's a way to cure it. Oh, my God. I want to be an alcoholic. At the end of the meeting, they did desire trips. They have silver doubloons. They do them in Houston. They say, if you have a desire to give up your old way of life and try our way of life, come and get one.
Boom. Then I flew to the front of the room. I grabbed that chip and I sat down like that's burning AA in the palm of my hand. I was so excited to be here. To be a little alcoholic. Oh, my God. I admitted it. Admitted. I want to be one. I admit it. It's like I'm going to trade sociopath for alcoholic any day of the week. Alcoholic Any Day of the Week, and I dove into Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to meetings, meetings, meetings, clubs were open 24 hours a day.
I could play poker with the old-timers, smoke cigarettes, and talk trash all night long. It rocked.
[01:00:00]
I loved it. And you could say anything here. You could say, I ran over my husband with a pickup truck and then I backed over him thinking I'd see if I found him. And everybody laughs. You ran over your husband. Oh. It's awesome. It's awesome. You can't say that at the PTA. It was absolutely amazing. I loved it. I loved it. I did fellowship, fellowship, fellowship, meetings, meetings, meetings, fellowship, meetings.
I divorced my husband. Well, he divorced me. I mean, there was way too much water under that bridge. And so we got divorced and then I met this guy, joined me in Hawaiian Paradise. I'm like, okay. So I followed him to Hawaii and found out he was shipping Pakalolo back to the states and taking cakes in AA. And I told him to get out. And it was his apartment. But he left. So I had an apartment. It was wonderful.
And I wanted to kill myself. I was a year sober and I wanted to die. I was walking down the street and I thought I'm going to step in front of a bus. Because, see, what had happened is I had traded in my solution and I hadn't gotten another one. I got a whole lot of fellowship and a whole lot of meetings. But that doesn't fix anything. That just leaves me restless, irritable, and discontent with a whole lot of witnesses.
You know, it was horrible. And so instead of drinking, I got a sponsor. And I started working the steps. And there is good news and there is bad news about the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you work the steps to the best of your ability and you have a spiritual awakening, amazing things transpire in your life. That is the good news and it is also the bad news. Because it can be very distracting.
And here's what happened to me. I was seven years sober. My parents, my mom, divorces the Navy guy. Oh, she's married to the architect. I told you that. She moved to Jacksonville, Florida. I go over to visit her and they introduce me to a fella. A button-up sweater guy. Worked with my dad. Not one of us. Like, really, he wore button-up sweaters? I never met a man in my life that wore button-up sweaters.
Ever. Yeah. He was raising a daughter. He was fluent French. Had to be my soulmate. I went back to Houston. We talked on the phone for six months. And I moved to Jacksonville, Florida and married him. I was seven years sober. I told him I tried marijuana once and I didn't like it. That's all I told him. He knew I was an AA. Figured I'd had a little drinking problem when I was young. And wasn't it so sweet of me to get sober at 23?
And I've got it. I've done it. I've made it. I have arrived. I have this amazing husband. I am so incredibly grateful. So incredibly grateful for the gifts God's given me. See, because I didn't get a life back. I got a life. I never had one. I have a button-up sweater husband. Right? Like, he's nice. You know, he's a good, good man. He's still a good man. He's a good ex-husband, but he's a good, good man.
He has a daughter. So we have two baby boys. So now that's four. Easy math. I become a member of the PTA. I have a degree in business. So I manage a company in Jacksonville. Get a job. I'm working. I'm very, very involved. I become Catholic. I mean, you know, it wasn't a big jump. I was Episcopal. He was Catholic. Leap. And I vote. I just asked my husband what I should vote for. Because I don't know.
But, you know, I vote. And I go to the PTA. And I do all these things. And do you hear any AA in any of this? No. See, I moved to Jacksonville. And I'm so grateful for all the gifts God's given me. And I'm so attentive to those gifts. And I'm so careful. And I want to be good. I want to be a good wife and a good mother I go to the PTA meetings when I arrive. I go to a couple a week. And then a couple a month.
And then a couple a quarter. And then once a year to get my chip. I'm 13 and a half years sober. And we're moving. We're selling a house. Buying a new house. Life is amazing. Life is wonderful. Everybody's gone. The furniture's gone. I've just finished cleaning. I take out a beer. Pop off the top. I pour a little bit in the thermos lid that it'll hold. I throw the rest away. I drink it. And I walk out of the house.
Now what I want you to know is there was no thought at all. If you believe like I believed. I always thought I'd have a moment. That if there was a drink of alcohol in front of me. I would look at that drink. And I would have a moment of consideration. I would be able to go, whoa, don't drink that. You'll wake up in LA with three toothless men. You're going to lose all your children or your husband.
[01:05:00]
Whoa, you're going to blow a 13-year chip. Something. I thought nothing. Nothing. I was thirsty. I drank that beer. I walked out of that house. I gave it no thought for six months. I'm out to dinner with my husband. And I remembered. And I looked at Michael and I said, you know, honey, when we were moving, I drank some beer. I guess I blew the whole chip thing. And I ordered a glass of wine. And he said, oh, honey, that would be delightful.
You've never been able to have a cocktail with me before. And I ordered a glass of wine. Now, the only reason I am your speaker tonight. Is because that moment. That night. In that restaurant. When I ordered that glass of wine. My youngest son was a baby. And I was breastfeeding. You remember that thesis I did in 1978? Yeah, I know the rules. I know the rules. In case you don't know. If you're breastfeeding, you can have two servings of alcohol.
Servings, not drinks. A serving would be a single shot of hard liquor. A six ounce glass of wine or a 12 ounce beer. You can have two servings. And then you wait three hours. Two servings, three hours. Two servings, three hours. I did that for one year. Oh. Oh, it was horrifying. Horrifying. I had the phenomenon of craving and no satiation. I had my fingernails dug in the palms of my hands every day.
I would wait until cocktail hour. I would have two servings in about 20 seconds. And then I would wait three hours. When I got up at night with the baby. I would put my car keys under my husband's pillow every night. Because I never knew. I'm sorry. Okay, that's good. I'm wrapping it up right now. I never knew when it was going to happen. That I wouldn't be able to stop. Never knew. The day we weaned my son.
We went to a little village that I had been in 1982. We went there and we left my son with my mother-in-law. We fly in. We grab our rental car. We go to the condo. We go to the grocery. We go to the condo. We're in the condo. We're unloading groceries. In those groceries was alcohol. I'm handing the groceries to Michael. He's putting them up. I had a spiritual experience. Most people get white lights.
Get it out. Do something. Put it away. I ran out the front of the condo. Left him standing in the kitchen with his chin to his chest. I ran two miles to where I know there is a meeting in this little village. I sat on the steps of a church. I sat there for a couple of hours waiting for the meeting. I sat on those steps. I did steps 1, 2, and 3 right on those steps. I want to tell you the difference between September 28, 1996, sitting on the steps of that church.
February 3, 1981. February 3, 1981, I was excited to find out, to be an alcoholic. I didn't find out I was one. I wanted to be one. I wanted to be an alcoholic more than anything in the world. That meant there was hope for me. I admitted that I was an alcoholic. That was all fine and good. On September 28, 1996, sitting on the steps of that church, I conceded to my innermost self that I have the disease of alcoholism.
What that means is that I have to treat that disease. I have to treat that disease every single day. Because if I don't treat that disease, I might wake up thirsty. It was the most powerful difference in step 1 for me. It is absolutely necessary to concede to your innermost self. That's what I did on September 28. What I know about my disease is that it's progressive. I know that today at 23 years of sobriety, I need more treatment than ever before.
I need to sponsor more women. I need to go to more women. I need to go to more women. I need to go to more women. I need to go to more women. I need to go to more women. I need to sponsor more women. I need to go to more women. I need to be more in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous today than ever before. Ever before. So what I want to say to you and especially to this committee is thank you so very much for letting me be here this weekend and giving me one more opportunity to do just that, to be in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thank you. Thank you.