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Source: 1990 Seattle International Convention – Unknown Speaker – FORGIVENESS – RS 17645.mp3 File: 1990-seattle-international-convention-unknown-speaker-forgiveness-rs-17645.mp3 Duration: 01:11:28
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Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Alateen present the International Convention, 55 Years, One Day at a Time, July 5th through the 8th, 1990, in Seattle, Washington. We're short one gunner, so these three are going to be a little longer winded than normally to try to get us through here. Forgiveness is something I'm going to need to hear about because I came here just exactly like I was told early and some guy wouldn't let me in.
And a friend of mine says, but he's supposed to chair the meeting, he says, I don't care if he's President of the United States, he's not coming in this door. I need a little forgiveness, sir, just a little help on that. So we'll listen to what they have to say today and maybe we can come up with something. I'm going to call on, first, John A. from the Show-Me State of Missouri. Good afternoon. Can you hear me?
My name's John, I'm an alcoholic. And one of the most brilliant things I did today was put on this green coat. I've been asked for directions from everywhere to where do you find a lost child to how you change a diaper. And for that I am extremely grateful. If you try to get from the monorail here with a green coat, you better start early. I'm from Missouri. I gained my sobriety in Illinois and learned about AA in California.
Now if that isn't being geographical, I don't know what is. When I came into this program, I had a great many problems. And one of the big problems was that I found out that my only problem was I couldn't drink. And I didn't know what to do. I had spent a great many years with the four horsemen in the big book. Bewilderment, despair, frustration, and terror. And when I was in treatment, I was told that there was a chance for recovery.
And it was within the confines of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is the last place I wanted to come. Because with my ego at that time, it could have been easy for me to go park in the handicap zone. Because that's what my biggest handicap was. When I came to the meetings, I couldn't understand what was going on because everybody laughed at the wrong things. In my early days, what I considered were disasters were completely funny to a lot of people.
I remember one fellow telling the story that he fell off a freight train, lost his false teeth and his eyeglasses, and spent two days looking for them, and I didn't think that was very amusing. But I followed the advice of somebody that said, find yourself a sponsor. And I didn't find a sponsor, I found a mentor, a teacher. And he didn't call me his pigeon. He didn't call me his baby. He said, you will be my protege.
And that, to him, was a very nasty word. He called me intellectually obtuse. In very simple terms, I could louse up a glass of water without any help. And that was his opinion of me. And we went through the steps, those ever-lying principles that each one of us find our way to sobriety. And he was patient and understanding. And if you believe that, I'll tell you a few more. When they said I was powerless, I didn't really understand it.
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I didn't know what unmanageability was. When it came to insanity, I couldn't conform to the definition. And I learned what these things meant. And then it came to finding out where the solution lies. And I found out the solution was within an enormous power that I could tap into at any time I needed it for what I needed. I didn't understand that at that time. But over the years, the lessons I learned from my mentor served me well.
It came time to have our inventory. And I did a Spanish tap dance around that one. Because this one was part of the thing that I didn't want to do. And he was very nicely and quietly and firmly said, it is Friday afternoon, you will have it ready on Monday morning, and we'll go over it Monday afternoon. I forgot to say that when he became my sponsor, he had 35 years in the program. And his approach was a very, very simple, honest approach.
Do it. No argument, no discussion. Bang goes the receiver on the telephone, and you're left in complete awe of what has happened. Like being struck by lightning and not knowing what to say about it. I went through the fourth step as best I could at the time. And when I was finished, we talked. And he said there was a word in the big book in the fourth step that said forgiveness. And this is something I would have to search.
Search for thoroughly and deeply. And we talked about it. And he said, if you want forgiveness, he says, first of all, it comes from God, as you will learn to understand Him. And you, when you learn what God wants of you, you will have to learn, if He is forgiving of you, you have to start being forgiving of others. I couldn't understand what he was talking about. We went through that step. When I was finished, I didn't know what my feelings were.
They were something like the time when I received the note from GSO to speak here. I was completely drained of any feeling because I didn't know how to react. Then we quietly went through the sixth and the seventh step. And when I say the sixth step separates the men from the boys, it begins to separate you or it separates me from the person I was, the person I thought I wanted to be. And all of a sudden I began to understand what the word forgiveness meant.
It was a very simple definition that I was given by that mentor that I found to be one of the kindest and gentlest men I ever knew. And it was that I was going to have to give up all anger and resentment if I were to succeed in this program, that I could no longer make any judgments when I looked at myself, that I did not have the right to criticize another human being because I had lost that right by being an alcoholic.
And that was hard to take. But then came the seventh step.
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And the seventh step to me in many respects is a prayer because that's where I learned to humbly ask another person's forgiveness when I'm asking the forgiveness of a power as I understand it. The eighth step was like the fourth step. We went over it. In my early years in this program, my mentor wouldn't let me do anything unless I discussed it with him first. It wasn't that he didn't trust me. He just thought I was a complete absolute idiot.
And we went over the eighth step and we discussed what my people to whom I had to make amends, how I was going to go about it. And he strongly urged me on a few points to keep my big mouth shut. He said, because it's not going to do you any good. He said, if you've forgiven yourself for these things, he said, there are other ways of making amends for those. And I found that out. The ninth step was difficult.
It was difficult in the fact that I wanted to say, I don't want to make amends to him for all the things that he'd done or all the things that she'd done or to those that I worked for because they owed me. And I was counseled again by this very simple, lovable man. To forgive in order to have forgiveness. If you cannot forgive, you cannot expect anybody to forgive you, especially your higher power.
And we discussed this back and forth. And he told me no more mental gymnastics. You do as I strongly suggest. And I did as he strongly suggested. And the feelings of what were the first thoughts of the humiliation became the thoughts of what humility is really all about. Because there I came on the threshold of what we know in our program as unconditional love. I had no right to try and do things my way.
I had no right to change anything. The only right I had was to follow the simple rules and make my amends because it was what I owed not only to the people I made the amends to, not only to myself, but to my higher power. And then when it came to the tenth step, I find this continuing thing. I continually have to look at myself and I continually have to understand that no matter what people do or say or think about me, it's none of my affair.
If I am right with my higher power, if I'm comfortable with myself, then I'm comfortable with the world. I had been away from the home office for 25 years and that's what brought me back to the beautiful state of Missouri. And I didn't tell my wife we were going back for about six weeks because I was afraid there would be an explosion closely related to Mount St. Helen. And being a confirmed coward, I danced around that one and finally I told her, and we returned.
My biggest concern at that time is who are the people I will deal with, where do they fit in the corporate totem pole, and how am I going to handle them? And you know, the funny thing with this program, you learn… The funny thing with this program, you learn so many things in so many strange ways.
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After two days back in this large corporation, I didn't have to ask anybody who they were or how important they were, they told me. And I had a report into one of the vice presidents, and he asked me a very simple question, how are you today? And I said, I'm fine. He said, well, in about 15 seconds that will all be changed. And I said, I'm very sorry. I said, there are only two beings I know that can change my day, that's Almighty God and me, and I haven't accepted you into my company yet.
Now if we can discuss the reason I'm here, then I can get back to work. We turned out to be very good friends because he said you were the first person that ever gave me an honest answer to a very stupid question. And I was grateful for that because if I had been drinking I probably would have been fired. But the most important thing about learning about forgiveness is in our eleventh step. In our eleventh step goes through a whole panorama of what forgiveness is all about.
It even gives us a beautiful and wonderful simple prayer. And one of the phrases in the prayer, not so much as to forgive, but to be forgiven. And if you think about that, it's the most wonderful thing that can happen to us if we get that feeling that's imparted by that prayer. It's a feeling of relief, it's a feeling of wonderment, and amongst the black people there, man they revere the most, Martin Luther King.
When I found out what forgiveness was in the eleventh step, I could say to myself, free at last, free at last, I'm free at last because in forgiveness I have found freedom. In the twelfth step they call upon principles, and many people have their own opinion on what the principles are in our program. And the principles for me are so well outlined in the eleventh step. When I talk about love, forgiveness, harmony, truth, faith, hope, light and joy to every human being possible, and for me these are the twelve principles.
Another thing, too, is the love that you find for another alcoholic in doing twelfth step work. Because anytime I've gone on a twelfth step call, my rewards have been so great, even with the most disappointing ones, because I have found that I have received a special amount of that spirituality I so badly needed to stay sober one day at a time. Because I know in helping someone else, I'm helping myself so much more.
Because in our program we have a saying, you can't give it unless you give it away. And in ancient times they had a phrase in Latin which was, namum donquid idnon habuit, you can't give what you ain't got. The only thing else I can say about forgiveness is something I read, and I wrote it down because I thought it was sort of the epitome of what forgiveness is all about. Forgiveness is a wonderful word.
When it's spoken it sounds soft, almost pleading, but it's far from that. Forgiveness has a power to do what harsh words and physical struggle against someone
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and something can never do. The world needs a greater supply of forgiveness. It's a quiet word, but a firm and loving face in the presence of anger and resentment. It was once said that God appoints our gifts on his graces to be nurses of other men's weaknesses. This is such an effective way of explaining forgiveness. In other words, those who can forgive help keep our world in balance. They offset the anger and resentment.
Forgiving people make us ashamed of our angry outbursts and our reservoirs of great strength into which others may dip. A forgiving person is one who takes the dirty end of the stick, cleans it up, and hands it back to you. For with forgiveness, the language of the heart has limitless boundaries. Thank you very much. Thank you, John. There was a little boy in San Francisco, California, and he got up on top of a great big hill with his tricycle, and he decided to see how fast he could come off this hill.
And he got on that trike, and boy, he turned her loose, and he was doing 20, 25 miles an hour. Little legs wouldn't keep up with the pedals. He just stuck them straight out. Down off that hill he came. There was a big pavement dip at the bottom. He hit this pavement dip up, and the air went that trike over sideways. It just skinned up his little knees and his elbows, something terrible. And he got up, and he said, son of a bitch.
There was an old priest coming along here, and he said, son, don't ever say such a thing as that. He said, I know that was bad that would happen to you, but he said, something bad like that happens to you again, you say, God help me. He said, okay, Father. He got up, and he took hold of this trike, and he started pulling it right back up this hill. And that priest thought, surely he isn't going to try that again.
He watched him. Little boy got top of the hill, got back on that trike, and he turned her loose. Down off that hill he come. His legs sticking right out again. Hit that pavement dip up, and the air went that trike. That skinned him up a lot worse this time, and it took the front wheel of that trike and just bent it into a figure eight. Little boy got up, and he rubbed his legs, and he said, God help me.
Pretty soon the skin just started growing back over his little arms and his legs there, and that wheel just came out perfectly round again. That old priest there, and look at that, and he said, son of a bitch, he said. I normally don't do anything like that when I chair a meeting, but Kathy told me that was a conference-approved joke, so I'm going to give you Kathy next. Hi, I'm Kathy, and I'm an alcoholic.
You know, I am so nervous. This whole convention has been wonderful, but I've kind of missed it, and I really want to have a good time. You know, when I sit down, the party will start, you know? But I'm being from Boise, Idaho, and it's a great state, and it's good to be in Seattle, and I want to thank the people in Seattle for such a wonderful, wonderful convention, because they've really been hospitable, and I've never had a problem.
The only problem I had was last night with a cab driver that told me all these damn alcoholics should leave town as he was going. Because we were heading way out someplace other than where I was staying, and I said, well, you know, I really don't want to pay for this trip. Maybe we should find another cab, and he said, well, I'm glad you're getting out of mine. So I thought, well, that's the only problem I've had in Seattle, and I think that's pretty good, because I think I would really be upset, too, if I was still drinking and I had all these people in one place, you know, and they were getting in my cab, and they were in various stages of happy and joyous and free, and I don't think I could handle that either.
But I've been in the program since February 29th, 1988, and two and a half years, and to be standing up here means a lot to me, and it's through God and AA and my sponsor. Did I say that right? Thanks. And, you know, before I came here, my bottom was ten years of isolation was my drinking at the end, and I was a type that was crawling around the floor and hiding behind her drapes and looking under the window.
I'm so worried that someone was watching me and sitting in the corner with a bottle of my wine and my dog, and, you know, I just wanted to die, and to be standing up here, you know, after two and a half years. I mean, that's not me. You know, that's God, and I am extremely grateful for that. But forgiveness, I was thinking about that, and, you know, I don't, before the program, you know, forgiveness was, it wasn't even a word in my vocabulary, you know, because
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I usually was pretty resentful and angry at people, and, you know, I did a lot of J graphics and I moved around and people got me too mad. I just split, and they did something which I didn't think was right. I figured, well, chalk them off, and I'd make new friends or new people I could be around and use. But, you know, coming into the program, and when I started that Fourth Step, and I got a sponsor, and I couldn't read the big book without her help.
And she said, well, I said, what do I do with the Fourth Step? And she says, well, write down the people that you resent. And I said, well, you know, I don't resent anybody, you know. And she says, write down everybody you know. So, you know, I didn't know what I'd have to do with that list once I wrote it down. So I had about 65 people on that list, and I came to her, and she says, okay, here's what we do.
And she showed me the columns and, you know, what to write on and, you know, the cause of my resentment. And she said, well, it'll come to you, you know. So it did come to me. And I was pretty angry at that point, and I was really pissed off at all these people that had hurt me. And, you know, then we got through with that, you know, after doing all those. And she had me go back to that list, and she had me look at something that I never thought I'd have to look at.
And I don't know if I would have done the inventory if I knew about it then or beforehand. But she had to look at where I had done wrong, and where was I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and afraid. And I don't know, writing that list made me start to realize that, hey, you know, maybe it's me, you know. Maybe I really have messed up and did a lot of things. And I started feeling really guilty and ashamed, and I thought, I can't tell anybody this story.
And, but, you know, I kept thinking. You know, my sponsor first met with me. She says, are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober? And I knew I had to do that, because I didn't want to drink again, and I didn't want that life again. And, you know, when I came to the fifth step, I made an appointment to see her, and she was pregnant at the time. And she said, we might have to do this in two sessions.
And, oh, I thought, oh, God, I can't do it in two sessions. And I read fast. And she sat there, and I thought she was falling asleep. But, no, she wasn't. And she shared with me a lot of things that happened to her that were similar to me, you know. So I kind of thought, well, you know, okay, maybe I'm not quite as bad as I thought I was, you know. Or, you know, maybe there's something here. And, you know, we went, after the fifth step, there was a certain release.
You know, I did feel a certain freedom and a certain difference. But at that point, I was still in so much fear that I'd drink again. And six and seven was kind of like, you know, we just said the prayer and went on. And eight was the list I already made, 65. You know, oh, God. And for nine, you know, she had me sit down, and I had to write what I was going to say to these people. And she said, you read that big book, and you read those pages on the ninth step and the eighth and ninth step, and then you come back to me.
And I wrote a couple a week, and I'd go back to her, and we'd look at it. And she would, at that point, I didn't know where it would be injured others, you know. And, you know, I didn't know. You know, I just wanted to get it out, get it over with. And she really guided me through it. And I remember the first lady I made amends to that, oh, I hated her. I was in L.A., and she used to work at a place where I used to work.
And for 12 years, I held this resentment and anger inside. And, you know, I drank over that resentment and anger, and I figured that, you know, if I had all this hate inside, there's something terrible that had to happen to this woman. You know, she had to be divorced or bankrupt or maimed or something. And I called this woman, and she was doing fine, and she had a nice business going, and she was still married to the same man she married to when I left.
And I was surprised, you know, all this. I thought I had more power than that, you know. And she said, you know, I went through the routine. You know, I had my little paper there because I had to read it. And I told her I was in A.A., and I needed to do this, and I wanted to stay sober, and I'm really sorry for the things I'd done. And, you know, is there anything I can do? And she said, you don't have to go through this, Kathy, you really don't.
And I said, but you don't understand, I have to. And she didn't understand because I had to report back to my sponsor. Report Back to My Sponsor. So I had to go through it. And that woman said, you know,
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I tried to reach out to you because I knew something was wrong. And, you know, I never looked at it that way. I always thought she was meddling. You know, I always thought she was imposing. I always thought it was a character assassination. Every two weeks, she'd come into my office and talk to me. And, you know, for like 12, 11, 12 years, I've been heading that in my mind. You know, I've been living on that. And I was shocked, you know. And I think also with those, with that amend especially, I wanted her to beat me up. I wanted her to hurt me, to make me feel, you know, pay for that. And she didn't do it, you know. And in fact, she even offered me a job if I moved back to L.A. And I had to write on her again when I hung up, you know, because I thought, gee, there's something wrong here. You know, and the amends, I just, you know, I can't believe the gift of those amends. And, you know, the ones that I'd make and I made, I used to steal a lot. And I'd, you know, pick up things in stores and take them off or write bad checks or people I didn't know or things like that. And there was quite a list. And I told my sponsor, I really don't know how much is involved here. And she says, well, why don't you pray about it? Maybe it'll come to you. And they usually did come to me, you know. I tried to edge off a little bit of the amount, but I really, and I did edge off a little bit of the amount, to be honest.
But, you know, it was funny. When I started making those financial amends, I was so frightened that they were going to put me in the pen. I started going to the prison meetings out in Boise, Idaho for the women. Because I figured I had to get to know those ladies. And, you know, I started calling people on those amends. And there was a big store in Chicago. And it changed hands. And I, I mean, every time I called, I had to explain the same story again, you know. And finally, they gave me an address of a place that I could write.
So I wrote them a letter. And I said I was an alcoholic synonymous and I'm sober now. And I'm trying to make amends for the harms that I've done in the past. And when I, back in the sixties, I stole merchandise out of your store at the estimated value of such and such. And, you know, I'd like to make restitution on this. And I got a letter from the chairman of the board of directors that said, that congratulated me for my sobriety and said, I'm glad you're in AA. And, and for what you did back in the sixties, you know, it's okay. You know, don't worry about it. Just, I wish you the best of success in your program. I thought, wow, you know, I should, I took it to a meeting. I showed everybody this letter. I was so excited, you know, because they didn't put me away or anything. And there was another store I got a letter from. They said, well, sorry, you're sick, but we want our money. But, and, you know, I, I wanted to send them a copy of the other letter I received, but my sponsor didn't want me to. So, but, you know, and I, I call places like, I wrote a bad check in Homer, Alaska, and I called up there and, and the man that owned the store died, but his son had the store now. And, and I talked to his son and his son, you know, I told him again I was an Alcoholics Anonymous and what I'd done and, you know, I need to, I want to stay sober among anything else. I need to make amends for this. And he, I said, what can I do? He said, well, you can send the money. And, but you know what he said to me? He said he'd pray for me. And wow, you know, tears came to my eyes.
I couldn't believe that. You know, people are not going to beat me up for the things I've done, you know. And, you know, I don't know, at, at some point, you know, the forgiveness of others, I didn't even think of that anymore. I was starting to feel something inside that people were forgiving me. And, in fact, one of my, one real need amend that I made was to my brother. And I hadn't seen him in 18 years. And we hadn't spoken for the last five years. And I didn't want him in my life. And I wrote him a letter, because he lives in Massachusetts. He lives in Newburyport, Massachusetts. And, you know, it, it was okay to write the letter. But, again, it's making direct amends, you know, was important. And I didn't feel quite right. So I bought a ticket last fall and I went to Newburyport, Massachusetts.
And I saw that man. And, boy, that man is something else. And I sat down with him. We talked about our past. And I asked his forgiveness. And I shared with him what was going on in
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my life. And, you know, we had the best week ever. And, you know, and he forgave. You know, he just, you know, and it's nothing, you know, that, no one's changed. No one has changed. You know, they were always there. And for me to be able to see them as different now is only through the work of the program. And it's, you know, and the forgiveness of that man and him sending me, you know, a Christmas card saying, love to sister. I mean, that means a lot to me. Family means a lot. Didn't mean a lot to me before the program, but it sure means a hell of a lot to me now. And, you know, there was a point there, though, that I started getting scared. And I couldn't call him, you know. And I just, I started backing away. And, you know, my sponsor tells me it's not just a verbalization and making that one contact of amends. And you sit back and wait for them to do the rest because she tells me she's a big book person. She says, you know, this is a long period of reconstruction in my head. So I couldn't talk to him. So I wrote him a letter and expressed my feelings because I didn't want him to think it was him. And I just told him his sister wasn't tightly wrapped yet. And I was frightened that I'd mess it up. But we had, and we had something that was so good, even though it was for a few months. And I'm going back in October to see him again. And that's neat. That's really neat. And my mother's going to be there. And that's the first time since we were kids. And her and my brother are normal people. So when I was a kid, I always felt like I was on the outside. And it's kind of exciting being able to go back there and share with them instead of being on the outside.
And, you know, the forgiveness, too. In that 11th step, you know, where that page 86, where it talks about the night review, you know, and I used to hate doing that night review because I thought it was how to beat up me. You know, where was I selfish, dishonest? And, you know, I could list those and say, yes, yes, yes, yes, I've been selfish, dishonest today. And, and, you know, if I've been thinking about myself all day, yes. And maybe not so much, but sometimes. But, you know, there's a very vital thing in there. And it says, you know, we must not drift into worry, remorse, or moral reflection, for that will diminish our usefulness to others. And, you know, when I beat myself up and I start focusing on me again, and, you know, I'm of use to no one. And to me, the program is giving back.
And the next sentence where it talks about, you know, we ask God's forgiveness and what corrective measures we can take. And to me, that corrective measures again is making amends and trying to correct it. And, I don't know, amends to me means a way of life. It means doing something, doing it entirely different. And, you know, just standing up here is doing it entirely different. And again, it comes back, that willingness to go to any lengths to stay sober. And I want to stay sober, because, boy, it gets better. And, I don't know, I guess there was something else I wanted to say, but I don't know what it is now. I'm lucky I can remember what the topic was in the beginning of this. I kept putting it through my mind. But I'm just glad you're all here, and I'm sure glad I'm here. And I hope you keep coming back, and if there are any new people out there, welcome. Because it's a really neat place to be. Thank you.
The thing Kathy couldn't remember was another story she told me just before we sat down here. I'll share it with you. Said there was this American GI stationed in London, and he got on one of these big two-story buses, and by God, there wasn't any seats. But there was a kind of a large-bottomed lady sitting in one seat, and she had a real snooty poodle taking up a seat next to her. So this American GI walked up and asked her if she would move that poodle so he could sit down, and she said, I certainly will not. Said, that poodle's got a pedigree this long. He's got as much right on that seat as you do. That poodle's going to stay right there. So the GI, he walked on back and got a hold of a strap, and he stood there. And when the bus stopped at the next stop, a British tommy got on, and he had a couple of snorts. And he looked around, and he saw that poodle, and he went over to ask that lady if she would move that poodle so he could sit down. And she gave him the same line, I certainly will not. That poodle's got a pedigree and blah, blah, blah. And the soldier just reached over and got that poodle by the ears and threw him out the window.
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The American GI stood there and looked it all out. He went over, he said, you know, you British, you do everything so wrong. Said, you hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your car down the wrong side of the street, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window, he said. And I'm going to give you a little, a beautiful little gal here, Diane T., from the beautiful city of Montreal. Hi everybody, I'm an alcoholic, my name is Diane. And I'm glad to be in Seattle, I'm not necessarily glad to be up here, I'll tell you. It's a nerve-wracking process. And the topic today is on forgiveness. When I got the letter from General Service Office in New York, I told a couple of my friends about it, and they laughed, and I understood why they laughed. I don't know that I'm qualified to speak about forgiveness. When I came in today I was running a bit late, and Roger said to me, Diane, none of the other speakers have shown up and you're on for an hour and a half. I don't know if I'll forgive him for that or not neither. But three of us showed up out of four, that's not bad. When I found out I was speaking, thank you, on forgiveness, I immediately went to the dictionary, and I looked up forgiveness. I knew what it was, but I didn't know how to describe it. I've forgiven people, hopefully people have forgiven me. And this is what they said from the dictionary about forgiveness. It's to renounce anger or resentment against people, places and things.
It's cease to blame people. And it's to excuse for a fault or an offense. And I must tell you when it comes to forgiveness, I'm a failure. I'm not a forgiving, if I lived up to what I just read I would be called Mrs. Good. Because I, when I came into AA a few 24 hours ago, I was an extremely angry lady, and extremely resentful. People asked me, did I have resentments? I didn't know what resentments were, so I said no. I was so filled with resentments and anger and fear, and it controlled me. Especially fear. I resented my parents because of my upbringing. I resented my brothers and sisters because they were better looking and more intelligent and blah blah blah. Excuse me. I resented my twin sister. She was a couple of minutes older than me and I thought she was better looking. I went through life with anger and I judged people and I criticized people and I'm still guilty of that today.
Just because I'm sober doesn't mean I'm perfect. If I were perfect I think I'd be quite boring. I don't want to be boring. The first letter that I received from New York was to speak on humility. I thought, gee, I can do that. Humility, my terminology of humility is opposite of false pride. I've been in AA for a few 24 hours, like I said, and I've done a lot of hard work on myself. I'm not saying that I'm a humble person, but I'm not too filled with self-pride anymore neither. I'm comfortable in my own skin today, but it's taken a lot of hard work and resentment. And I thought, I can't speak on forgiveness. There's so much that's happened to me in my life. When I came into AA, it was in 1975. My mother was dying of cancer and she lasted for a year and a half and I hated my mother. She was an alcoholic and she died drunk of this cancer. She didn't stay sober. She didn't get sober. And I hated her for it and I realized after I'd been sober for a while, it's because I saw me in my mother maybe 20 years down the road and I didn't like what I saw. So my mother died with me not asking for her forgiveness or me being able to forgive her because she was a lot like I was when she drank. We fought a lot. We beat each other up a lot physically and certainly verbally. And I resented my mother for that and I didn't forgive her for the things that she allowed to happen to me as a child. Abusive things, verbal abuse, all kinds of abuse. And I hated mom for not being there to protect me and I didn't forgive her.
So for a long time after I was in this program,
[00:45:03]
When I was sober for a bit, I started to understand about alcoholism and the things it does to us, and today I am able to say that I have forgiven my mother, and I'm sure she knows wherever she is. Forgiveness, I was thinking about a week ago, I started to think about the talk that I would give today, I had no idea what I would say, and it was suggested to me many, 24 hours ago, before I speak, to get down on my knees, ask my higher power for guidance, open my mouth and let the words come.
So for the last week, when this has popped into my head, I've turned it off, I don't know what I'm going to say today, and it's really not too important what I say today, because I have asked for guidance verbally. When I get up this morning, I was in the hotel room by myself, and I got down on my knees and I again asked for help. This time I let the words come to me about what I would speak about.
And one of the thoughts that came to my mind was, how does a person forgive themselves, and I'm speaking of me now, for walking out on their three daughters. I have three girls, and 18 years ago I walked out on those girls. They were babies, the oldest one was eight, I had a four-year-old and I had a year and a half, and today they're all grown up, and a long, long time after I was in AA. I had tremendous guilt about that. The way this came about, I had left my husband, my ex-husband, and I had gone back to Nova Scotia, I'm from the east coast in Canada, and my husband came down two weeks later and he took the kids, without my knowledge.
Excuse me. And he took them back to the province of Ontario, and for four days I didn't know where my kids were, and I didn't know where my ex-husband was, and I got drunk, and I stayed drunk for a year. I didn't draw a sober breath. And it was easy because I was with my parents, and they're both alcoholics, and I have seven other brothers and sisters, and probably six of us are alcoholics, two of us are in the program.
And I didn't fight for those kids. Instead of going back to Ontario and trying to get my kids back, I drank. It was the easier thing to do. I was, again, filled with fear of how I would raise these three daughters, and I just let the booze take over. I was an instant alcoholic. In my mind, I was born an alcoholic, and the minute I picked up a drink when I was 28 years old, I was an alcoholic, and I drank alcoholically. I had blackouts instantly from the first drink.
So for the first year, I just didn't stay sober at all. I'd get up in the morning, and I'd drink with my parents, and I'd go to bed at night, and I'd pass out or get punched out or get knocked out or I'd blackout. Never, never did I have a drink, a drink in my life. And how do I forgive myself for something like that? You know, my three kids are, like I said, they're all grown up now. I didn't raise them. I never did get them back. I must say, about six years ago, they did come back into my life, and when I came into AA, they told me, Diane, get sober, and when you're ready to have these kids come back, they will come back into your life, and that's exactly how it happened.
But I couldn't forgive myself for a long time. How could I forgive people that had abused me, men that had beat me up when I drank? In bars, usually legions. I usually drank in legions. I was a big mouth when I drank. I was fearless when I drank. I didn't have any fear when I drank, and I felt seven feet tall, and I felt like I knew everything, and I would open my mouth, and I would say things, and it would start a fight, and I'd be in the middle of it.
And these men would beat me up. Of course they would. How could I forgive those guys for doing that to me, for breaking my nose, for breaking my collarbone? I was not a nice drunk. All of these things went through my mind. I have forgiven today, and hopefully they've forgiven me. The big question that came to my mind about forgiveness, though, was how do I forgive myself for the things that I had allowed to happen in my life, for my weaknesses, for being judgmental, for criticizing everybody?
I think to be an unforgiving person, as I felt I was at one time, I had to have extremely low self-esteem, which I did. I was not an important person. I was not a good person. I was a piece of garbage. I acted that way. I was drawn to people that reacted the same way.
[00:50:01]
I wasn't comfortable with people in this program probably for five years, because you were all better than I was. You were all smarter than I was. You did your program better than I did, and I hated you all. I had no God. I've cursed God in my sobriety many, many times. Thank heavens He's a forgiving God. To come into AA and to get sober, to me, is to do more than put down the drink. That's the easy part. The reason I say this is because when I was in AA for five or six months, I was going to kill myself. I was extremely unhappy. I was dead inside. Nothing had changed. I hadn't been drinking for whatever period of time it was, and there was a big hole here, and it didn't change.
I didn't want to drink, and I knew I couldn't stay sober, feeling like I felt, so I took the old way. I'll take a bunch of pills, and that'll be the end of it. Of course, I told another newcomer, and he hassled me off to see an old-timer, and I hated old-timers because they knew I was a phony, and I couldn't BS them, so I stayed away from them, and I impressed the newcomers. I read the big book. I talked a good… I parroted. I gave good lip service. This is what I'm trying to say, and the newcomers were impressed, so I hung out with them, of course. They thought I was great, and I wouldn't go near the old-timers, but this newcomer dragged me off to an old-timer because I told him I was going to kill myself, and this old-timer sent me to see, God help me, a minister.
I'm Baptist. This guy was Baptist, this minister. He was a padre on an Air Force base, and he came to my house after I had called him the next morning because this old-timer said to me, Diane, if you don't talk to somebody, you'll be drunk within 24 hours, and like I said, I didn't want to drink. So he gave me this phone number, and I called it the next morning, and it was this bloody minister, and he came to my house, and he was all dressed in uniform with stars and stripes and bangles and all kinds of things, and I looked at this man, and I said, I can't talk to you, and he asked me why, and I said, because you're important. You've got all these things on your uniform, and he said to me, Diane, I'm a minister, and I'm here to help you if I can, so I invited him into the house, and he was quite slick.
And he said, do you believe in God, and of course I didn't, and I lied to him because I again was filled with fear, and I said yes, and he said, do you believe God's a forgiving God, and again I lied and said yes, because in Sunday school, I learned that God was a forgiving God, so I lied to this minister, and I said yes, I believe God's a forgiving God. He said to me, do you think God's forgiving you for what you've done, yes, again I lied, and then he said to me, are you so much better than God that you can't forgive yourself, and I kicked him out.
I literally kicked him out of my house. I didn't want to talk to him, because he was right. I was placing myself above God. I was putting myself into a position of being superior to God, which is absolutely impossible, but this is how sick I was. Forgiveness toward my children, for abandoning my children, toward my parents, this is a hard topic. I had breakfast with two ladies this morning that came down from Montreal with me, and one of the ladies said to me, oh, I'm going to the panel this afternoon on forgiveness, I don't know too much about it, and maybe I'll hear something that will help me.
So I told her I was on this panel, she didn't know, and I thought, what words of wisdom can I pass on to this lady about forgiveness. For me, and I can only give my interpretation of forgiveness, it has to start with self. I have to forgive myself. I have to deal with myself. I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to forgive me for all the inadequacies that I've done in my lifetime and all the wrong things that I've done in my lifetime to make me feel a lesser person.
And I talk now about parenthood and about relationships and anything that I've done that has put me down, that has made me feel less than. And for me, the forgiveness has to start with self. And again, this is only my opinion. When I was able to look at myself in the mirror, for an example, and laugh and say, Diane, you're not such a bad person, when I was able to make choices between right and wrong, because at one time I wasn't able to do that, then I was okay,
[00:55:10]
I found when I started to feel better about myself, when I came to realize what they had been telling me in AA, that I'm a child of God, and I'm not in AA by mistake, it's through my higher power that I'm even in AA, it was not an accident by any means, then I had to ask myself the question, what will I do with this gift that my higher power has given to me? Will I abuse it like I did the alcohol, or will I try and make something of me?
And this is what I've tried to do in the last X number of years. It's been a long, long, hard struggle. I have been so hard on myself. I've had psychiatrists tell me that, and I've had members tell me that, Diane, you're so hard on yourself, but nobody told me how not to be hard on myself. I suppose I picked that up along the way, I don't know, but what I used to criticize myself for six months ago, or a year ago, or three years ago, I don't criticize myself for that anymore.
For one reason, really. I was in a SNIT one day, and this member called me out of the blue, and he told me to read, in our big book, page 449, I think, and it's on acceptance. And I read it, and I said exactly what Roger said in that first joke he told us today, you son of a… And afterwards I called this man back and I thanked him, but this is what I try to live by today, to accept people, places, and things, and to know and to believe that nothing happens without a reason, and all is right in God's realm of things today, and I have only today.
I can still be a miserable person, like I said, I don't know that I'm qualified to speak on forgiveness, I really don't, but the fact that I'm here, maybe somebody will hear something that will help them, if they don't, go to some other meeting, there's loads of meetings in the next few days. I can say that I've forgiven myself today. I've forgiven my husband. He was a miserable son of a gunny. He's not a drinker. My husband never drank, so he didn't have that excuse for being what he is.
But I was able to forgive him only after I'd been sober for 10 or 12 years, though, because I still carried this anger and resentment, if this hadn't happened, then this wouldn't have happened, and he took my kids from me, and that was so hard to forgive, you know. He took these three beautiful daughters of mine, and he took them halfway across the country, and I didn't know how I could forgive something like that, but I did. I didn't know how I could forgive myself for not fighting for my kids, but when I look back now with hindsight, I can understand that God was doing what had to be done for me.
If I had fought for my kids and gotten custody of them 18 years ago, I would have destroyed them, because of my alcoholism. I'm sure of that. So I was able to forgive my husband, I was able to forgive my kids, and of my three daughters today, two of us are extremely close. They really love me, and I really love them, and my oldest daughter doesn't like me very much. She's 27 now, and she was the oldest when I left, and I can understand where she's coming from. Thank God for AA that I'm able to do this program. I probably say nasty things to her, like I used to be.
So that forgiveness has come into my life as well. I went through a terrible experience when I was 29 years old. I never speak about it at meetings, so I won't speak about it here, but it was a terrible experience, and I was beaten up very, very badly by four guys. And I've forgiven those men for what they did to me. It was only a few months ago, one of the members said to me, Diane, what would you do if you were to meet these men that hurt you so badly at an AA meeting?
And I thought about it for a couple of minutes, and honestly, because I am an honest person, thank God for AA for that too, I thought about it deeply for a few minutes, and I said to my friend, I would walk up to these people, and I would say, welcome to AA, you're in the right place. Because I believe that what goes around comes around, and I believe today because of this program, I don't have to seek revenge on people, and I don't have to hurt people.
I don't have to seek revenge on people, and I don't have to hurt people. God looks after all of us, and we pay our price. We paid dearly to come into AA before we got here, and we pay a lot for our sobriety as well, I find.
[01:00:03]
Forgiveness being a big part of that. It's not easy to forgive self or anybody else. When we're drinking, we're not nice people, or most of us. I should speak only for myself. I've done things to hurt people. I've hurt my family terribly bad. One of the worst things I ever did when I drank, and I drank only for three and a half years from start to finish. I started when I was 28. I stopped when I was 31.
Mom and I were drinking one night. We drank a lot together, this woman and I, and we beat each other up a lot together. Evidently, I was in a blackout one night, and I looked at my mother, and I called her a whore, and I spit in her face. I couldn't believe I had done that, but I did. This was something that I couldn't make amends to my mother for because she died before I knew about recovery in AA.
Evidently, I haven't forgiven myself for that 100% because it still haunts me, and I'm still sorry that I did it. So, like I said, I don't know that I'm qualified to speak on forgiveness. If there's anybody out there that's looking for a quick cure to forgiveness, for me, there's none. It's just a daily reprieve, I suppose, that we're given in our sobriety, and if I hurt you today, I don't find it difficult to apologize.
When I was five weeks sober, I went on a retreat, if you can imagine. My brain was so scrambled, I didn't know my own name. But anyway, I went on this spiritual retreat in Nova Scotia, and there was this old priest there. I can't remember his name. But he was a severe-looking thing. He looked like I imagined God would look if I were ever to come face-to-face with him. And I thought, I'm going to nail you, you old bugger.
You don't know what you're talking about. I asked him about forgiveness, and this was his definition, and I still remember it. He said, Diane, if I hurt you, and I'm not aware of it, then how can I ask your forgiveness, or how can you ask my forgiveness? If I walk up to you, and I slap you in the face, and I hurt you on purpose, then you have every right to expect my forgiveness. And that was his definition.
If I hurt somebody today, and I'm not aware of it, I can't expect to be forgiven. But if I hurt somebody on purpose, I damn well better get up and make my amends to them, because if I don't, it sits in here, and it bothers me. We have a conscience today, which I didn't have for a few years, and I know when I do wrong. And I have to make amends, so again, I can be comfortable in my own skin. A few weeks ago in Montreal, I was asked to thank a lady speaker, and I didn't like her.
And we don't have to like everybody in AA. We are expected to love them, though. And I didn't like this lady, and when I get up to thank her, I didn't stay detached from it. I made it personal. And I went home that day, and I really was unkind to her. And I went home that day, and I thought about it, and I called a couple of the old-timers. Thank God for old-timers. And I said to them, did I condemn too hard on her?
I got angry with her because she said, my sponsor told me when I became a nobody in AA that I was getting better. And I thought, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I got so angry. And I said when I thanked her, I don't consider you a nobody, and I certainly don't consider me a nobody. When I come into AA, I was a nobody. I'm a somebody today, and I was rather harsh with her. And the old-timer said to me, Diane, you did what you were supposed to do, and whatever came out was supposed to come out.
Maybe you had to say that to help her. But it haunted me, and it bothered my conscience. So when I saw this lady at a meeting a couple of weeks later, I'm not brave enough to face it immediately, I went up and I gave her a hug, and I told her I loved her. And I said to her, if I hurt you, and I don't know that I did you see for sure, except from my end of it, if I hurt you, I'm sorry, and I'm glad to see you here tonight.
And I felt better. Immediately I felt better, because today I know if I do wrong, I have to make the amends, I have to have the forgiveness. That also applies to me. I must learn to be good to me, and to do things that please me, if it's not hurting other people, if it's not offending other people. A promise I made myself today when I knew I was coming here to speak was, I wouldn't swear, because I swear.
And it's okay. I'm careful where I swear and who I swear in front of,
[01:05:00]
because I'm not perfect yet. But I enjoy swearing. I don't think there's too much wrong with it. But if I thought for a minute it was offending anybody, I wouldn't do it. My youth, growing up, there was a lot of forgiveness in that that I had to do as well. In fact, about three years ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist, because I was having so many emotional problems, and I still had tremendous fear, and it was controlling my life, and I wasn't able to get sober.
Because of my childhood, there was so much abuse there, and there was so much neglect. If you can imagine, alcoholic parents and grandfather, he was alcoholic too, and seven, eight kids in the family, and the neglect and the abuse, it was absolutely tremendous. And I know for a fact, because I've spoken with a lot of ladies in AA, that there was abuse in their home. And for some of us, like myself, I had to seek professional help.
AA got me sober, and it was up to me what I did with this sobriety. So, forgiveness, relating back to my childhood, was extremely difficult too. I didn't want to let go of it. I wanted to hang on to it. It gave me an excuse to be miserable and to criticize and to judge my parents. And after I had seen this doctor for a period of time, then I started, I think, to get sober. I didn't drink. I haven't had a drink for almost 15 years, but I think it was only about three years ago that I really started to get sober, without the anger and the resentments and the criticisms.
And like our first speaker said, he's free. And that's what's happened with me in spite of myself, because I fought it every step of the way. Sobriety, I don't think, is an easy path to walk, but God puts us on our path and then he guides us. And I think for me to speak on forgiveness today maybe was more for me than for anybody else in this hall. I really don't know. I do know I'm grateful to be here.
Now I'll go out and enjoy the rest of the convention too, and a couple of my friends are speaking here tomorrow, and I'll sit back and say hi and let them sweat for a while. I know what it's like. I think that's about all that I have to say today. I could ramble on for hours. They call me motor moth, you know, with reason. And I could ramble on for hours, but I think I've said everything that I should say.
If there are any newcomers in the hall today, I was given two suggestions when I came to AA, and it was don't drink between meetings and go to a lot of meetings. And another thing that I remembered from being about two weeks sober, somebody said to me, Diane, if you bring somebody into AA and they stay sober, it's not your success. And if they drink again, it's not your failure. And I apply that when I speak as well.
If I said something today that helped somebody, I can't take the credit for it. And if I said something that offended somebody, I can't take the blame for that neither because I got on my knees this morning and I said, God, you put the words in my mouth that you want me to say, so give it to him. Either your thanks or your abuse, whichever. And I'd like to thank everybody for sharing this day with me and this convention.
It's a marvelous convention and everything's going well. And newcomers, don't drink, go to meetings, and thank you all and God bless. Thank you, Diane. Is everybody having a good time? You know, I had a couple bad moments last night. I had a dream. I think it was a result of too much decaffeinated coffee over at that dance, but it was a bad dream. There's a guy sitting right down here in a pink shirt between these two good-looking gals.
His name is Joe. And we go to a few meetings together back in Nebraska. And you know, I had dreamed that Joe and I died. And by golly, we had to go up to St. Peter there at the gates to see what we were supposed to do. And St. Peter let me in and he said, things are just about the same here as they are down on earth, except I have to issue you a new wife. I thought, there can't be too much wrong with that, you know.
And then he brought this awful-looking woman. Oh, man, she had warts on her nose, and a nose like a saxophone, just terrible. And he said, this is your new wife. I said, I didn't ever have such wives as that on earth.
[01:10:01]
I said, I had some good-looking wives. He said, everybody has to pay for their sins up here. I said, okay. So I took her, and then I saw Joe coming down the street with just right out of Playboy this guy was, just like a Coke bottle upside down, just gorgeously. And I turned around and back to St. Peter. I goes, I said, how come that guy, I said, see him going there? He was as rotten as I was. And you give him that good-looking woman, give me this dog.
He said, she's got to pay for her sins, too. We'll close this meeting in the usual manner, if you will, please. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen. Keep coming back, it works. Thank you so much, that was good. That concludes our program, thanks for listening.