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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – SELF IMAGE AND SELF ESTEEM Self Image Self Esteem – RS 06355.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-self-image-and-self-esteem-self-image-self-esteem-rs-06355.mp3 Duration: 00:53:46
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And I'm the Chicago area representative to the General Service Conference in New York, and I'm going to be your chairman this morning for this panel. Shall we have a moment of silence in gratitude for the AA recoveries of the past 50 years? Would you all please join me in the serenity prayer? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the fervor to know the difference.
There may be someone here who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. Thus, we respectively ask that no AA speaker or indeed any AA member be identified by full name or photograph in published or broadcast reports of our meeting.
The assurance of anonymity is essential in our effort to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us. Our tradition of anonymity reminds us that AA principles come before personalities. We found a medallion out here in the hall, and on one side there is a cross, and it says, but for the grace of God. And on the other side, it's got the numbers 39-526 Matt Talbot. Where else could that happen so quickly except at an AA meeting?
That's all for the announcements. Would you move around to the back, please, and clear the door? Come on down here, then. Sit any place around here that you can find room, but clear the door, please, if you can. Also, let me remind you, please, that don't bring any coffee or juices into the meeting rooms, please. Okay. You know, what we're going to do at this meeting to begin with is we're going to start off with beauty first.
Linda P. from Massachusetts. Bonjour, messieurs et mademoiselles. I said that once that I'm from Massachusetts, and I don't know what you've heard about Massachusetts Alkies, but I want to be the first to tell you they are mostly Irish Catholic. And it's not the right place to get up and say bonjour, messieurs et mademoiselles. It's an honor to be here today. And, you know, the fact that I was going to speak here really didn't faze me until about five minutes ago.
I retreated into the ladies' room, did some deep breathing, and remembered what Betty told me. I called her once from the Sunday morning King's Grand Group, which is, you know, elegant for an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
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It's linen tablecloth, and it's in a very nice restaurant, and it's very intimidating.
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And I called her one morning, and I said, Betty, they asked me to speak. What am I going to do? She says, Linda, you want an ego trip because they asked you to speak? And Betty was that type of AA sponsor. She shoved it down your throat, and when you didn't want any more, she shoved twice as much in there. Thank you, God, for people like Betty and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, Betty, I'm scared.
She says, Linda, it's just a bunch of drunks behind those linen tablecloths. So I came in today, and I knew that my friend Pat, who saw me walk into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous, was here this morning. And she saw me at one of my first meetings, and I was sitting in the halls of AA, and I had bleach blonde hair and bright red lipstick and a pair of shorts on. Three sizes too small for me. And a pair of high heels, and I had this sort of glance like a hurt animal, and I figured if I was in that bad of shape this morning, I would find Pat the minute I walked in this room, and didn't I walk in this room and find exactly where Pat was sitting?
So by the time I get up here, I'm in relatively good shape because I've been taken care of. And first, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the district committee member for District 18 in Eastern Massachusetts. I'm a member of the South Peabody Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Linda Patterson, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Linda. Hi. And the first thing that I'd like to share this morning is that when I say I'm an alcoholic today, I know through the grace of God and the teachings in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous that that's not my fault, and it's not anybody else's.
And I blamed my alcoholism on people, places, and things for 15 years, because I drank and I drugged for 15 years. And I knew that things would have been different in my life if I had been born a Kennedy. And money cannot buy you way out of alcoholism. They have it too, you know. So financial status has nothing to do with alcoholism. That's one of the things I found out when I got here. As you heard me say, my last name is Patterson.
That's a far cry from Kennedy. And I had blamed the fact that my father was an alcoholic, and I blamed the fact that I hadn't been brought up with enough social status in life, and I wasn't pretty enough, and I wasn't built well enough, and I had a lot of excuses for the way I was. Because the truth of the matter is, I was an alcoholic. And as an alcoholic, I know today that I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
And my friend Roley likes to say that the other term for that is Her Majesty the Baby. And that's what I was like. And I want to tell you something. I still have moments like that in sobriety. I'm looking for progress, not perfection. And I'm far from perfect still. And I'll tell you, as an egomaniac, I spent my whole life, I spent my entire life trying to get around the fact that I never wanted people to know what I was really like, because I knew that if you knew what I was really like, that you would want nothing to do with me.
I had fear and doubt and insecurity from a very young age. I had absolutely and utterly no self-esteem. I had no self-worth. I had no good feelings about Linda Patterson. The good feelings that I did have, they were outside feelings. They were feelings that I could accomplish something. And when I say egomaniac, I set out my whole life to be the best at something. And if I wasn't going to be the best at something, then I was going to be the worst, which probably, there's probably a reason why my high school records were either all A's or all D's.
You know, but I knew deep down in my guts that I had nothing to offer anyone. And I was a 13-year-old woman. You know, I was 13 years old, and unlike a normal 13-year-old, I found to drink a liquor, and thank you God I did. Today I can tell you that I'm very grateful that I found to drink a booze. Because you put a drink of booze and a drug in Linda Patterson, and a magic thing happened. I fit in. You know, I was able to fit in.
I could be in a room full of people just like this, and I knew that I was different. I knew deep down inside of me that I was different than the other people in that room. But to put a drink and a drug in me, and that disappeared. You know, I could talk to people. And unfortunately, what happened and what I didn't know, because alcoholism is a disease of denial, was that turned on me very quickly. I was a pig drinker and a blackout drinker right from the start.
I wasn't a pretty drunk. You know, I could start drinking at Pier 4 with a glass of champagne in my hand and the pinky out, and I would end up at Scaliotis's with sawdust on the floor and not know how I got there or who I was with. You know, and that went on for 15 years of my life, because booze dragged me around by the nose. Because I have a three-fold illness. It's mental, it's physical, and it's spiritual.
I had a mental obsession with booze and drugs that told me every day of my life,
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and that was 15 years that I drank. But this time, Linda, it's going to be different. This time you're not going to end up in the jackpots that you're in. You're not going to end up waking up tomorrow morning not knowing where you are, who you've been with, or what you've done. This time, Linda, it's going to be different. The sad truth of the matter was it was never different. Because what happens in the body of an alcoholic is I have a physical compulsion.
And that physical compulsion demanded, after that first drink and that first drug was put in my body, that 40 more accompany it. And that's the type of drunk I was. One drink and then 40 drinks. And those 40 drinks took me to places like Denver State Hospital, which is a local mental health hospital, dead on arrival. Salem Mental Health, which is also another mental health hospital in Massachusetts, dead on arrival, led me to prostitute my mind and my soul and my body for a drink and a drug.
And by that I don't mean I was a hooker. You know, I looked down at the hookers on the street corners and little did I know that they had it all over me. You know, I was selling my soul in all other kinds of ways. And, you know, today I can share that with a room full of men and women because today I'm not selling my soul to any man, woman, or child. I don't have to because nothing is as strong in my life today as alcohol was.
And that was the physical compulsion. And the spiritual losses of values were things that were important in my life and it had nothing to do with the Catholic religion or the Jewish faith or… It was things that I had been brought up with that were important to me. I did have morals and I did have values in my life. I was brought up by a French Catholic woman who taught me not to lie, cheat, and steal.
And those were morals that I wanted to hang on to. And by the time I was 17 years old, I was a full-blown alcoholic and I was in a package store and I was stealing my booze to drink. And I didn't think anything of that. And then the time came when the booze by itself, and I was about 14 years old, no longer worked any longer. And then it was booze and it was pills. You know, and then I was looking at the people sticking needles in their arm and I was saying, when I get that bad, I'll do something.
And you know something, the time came when I was sitting on that bed and I was sticking a syringe full of speed and wine in my veins and that went on for about eight years. And not once did I say, you're that bad. And then the time came when I was doing that, that I was looking at the people who were sticking a syringe full of heroin in their arms and I was saying, when I get that bad, I'll do something.
And the time came when that syringe was full of heroin and that lasted two years and not once did I say, Linda, you're that bad. Because then I was looking at the drunks laying in the gutters and I was saying, when I get that bad, I'll do something. You know, that's alcoholism, that's the disease of denial. And that's what I'm afflicted with. And needless to say, when you have a package like that, there's not much self-esteem and there's not much self-worth that's tied up with that.
That's why I had to drink. The unfortunate part about alcoholism is I had a denial that denied me the right to see what was happening to Linda Patterson. I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous through absolutely no virtue of my own. I came here, I was a sick and suffering, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt woman and I've already explained to you the physical condition I was in. And as bad as that was, I cannot even scratch the surface of the mental condition that I was in when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was six months before I could do anything but just go to a meeting and go home and sleep. And then it was six months after that that the women would take me home from the meeting and babysit me. And half of me would say, my God, when are you going to leave? And the other half would say, please don't leave me because if you do, I know I'm going to drink. And that's when I started to get some self-worth because when those women saw the condition I was in, they put me right into service.
And I don't know how much anybody knows about service that's standing in this hall, but I can tell you one thing and it's sharing my experience, strength and hope with you. I have everything that I have in my life today as a direct result of serving the alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it started with picking up ashtrays. I was told you're well enough and you can pick up ashtrays now and I did.
And I was sitting at a meeting one day, you know the nice thing about services, you know, you get into service and I often hear the expression that service is for either egomaniacs or, and you know, that sheds an unfair light on service because actually what happens to people that get into service is we're also sitting at business meetings and they call it elections. Anybody who's ever served at anything in Alcoholics Anonymous will tell you they were railroaded.
Who was, who in this room has not sat at a business meeting and everybody cleans out when it's time for the coffee job and you get stuck with it. If there's somebody here that hasn't done that, we'll allow you to do that before you leave today. We'll find something for you to do. Because that's what happened to me. I got involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was sitting at a meeting one day and I walked out of that meeting and I had the keys to the embassy.
And I walked out of that meeting and I had the keys to the American Legion Hall in my hand.
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And Miss America will never know what it feels like to be given the keys of the American Legion Hall. Imagine, you know, a couple of years prior to that, I would have stolen the gold out of someone's mouth. Really, to buy a drink. And they were handing me the keys to the American Legion Hall. I mean, it was like a dream come true. And then I found out what it was like to make coffee in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And if you can work with drunks, you can work with anyone. And I'm still working with drunks. And that was about eight years ago. Six and a half of those have been sober in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it has been the greatest adventure of my life. From there, I went on to conducting a business meeting. And, you know, it's funny because everything I learned in these halls I've been able to take out professionally into the business world.
And I get paid big money for doing what you people taught me to do here, and it was free. And not only was it free, it was a free trial. Because I learned my mistakes in here. And, you know, where else in the face of the earth can you come and be yourself and be loved and needed and wanted? That's what they told me. If you could have seen the package I brought here, they said, Linda, you're loved, you're needed, and you're wanted.
And then I was conducting a business meeting. And I was the literature person. And being the egomaniac that I am, I figured since I'm the literature person, I should know everything there is to know about the literature. So I read every single pamphlet that Alcoholics Anonymous puts out. I mean, somebody might ask me. No one ever asked me. But you know something? I stayed sober. You know, they say some are sicker than others, and maybe that's the way I had to do it.
I'm the one that stayed sober. I'm the only one that's ever benefited from anything that I've ever done in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was the secretary of a group for about a year, and the group was absolutely huge. And then it became apparent to Janice and I and my friend Betty that we needed to start another group. And here I was. I had a year of sobriety under my belt. And that's almost like, I suppose the analogy to that would be like, remember when you were a senior in high school?
I mean, a year of sobriety is a big deal in Alcoholics Anonymous. And here we were going to start our own group. And of course Janice and I figured we'd suck in a few other people, or elect them. And then we could go on our merry way and the group would survive. Five years I've been with this group, and I'm just now breaking away from this group. You know, it's a long process to starting a group. And watching it stay started.
I'll tell you, it was a very interesting experience. Life in Alcoholics Anonymous has been a very interesting experience. And after that, I got involved, instead of on a local group level, within the service, the general service structure of Alcoholics Anonymous. And geez, I'll tell you, if you've done all the group jobs and you're looking for something to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, we need help. You know, there's institution committees, there's public information committees, there's cooperation with the professional community committees, and there's the grapevine committee, and there's the district committee members, and every group needs a GSR.
And you might wonder what the point of all of that is. Well, I can tell you what the point of that is. Because by getting involved in the service structure of Alcoholics Anonymous, you are making sure that Alcoholics Anonymous is going to be here for the people that are still trying to come here. That's the purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, we're not people that are looking for status or recognition.
We're people that want to make sure, we want to ensure that the hand of Alcoholics Anonymous is always going to be here. You know, who the hell are we to deny this to anyone? You know, the freedom that I have today. If I can give one iota of that back, then I think that's my right to do that in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I've gotten so much here. What happened to me was I became a free woman in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And what I'm freed from is the self-inflicted bondage of alcoholism. And I can only speak for me. I believe today that I never have to drink again. And I'm not going to tell you for one minute that does not come with strings attached, because it does. It comes with getting down and asking God to help me in the morning to stay away from a drink and a drug, and to conduct myself in the manner that I should be conducting myself today as a sober woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, and getting to a meeting and talking to a sponsor and staying involved in the program.
And at the end of the day, my success today is still, did I or did I not drink? Because the rest of it is really conversation. You know, it is just, your success in Alcoholics Anonymous, if you're new, is just did you or did you not drink?
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If you told your mother or your father-in-law off today, well, you know, the time will come when you will not have to do that anymore. You know, I don't get in a terrific amount of arguments with people any longer. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had two fists in the air. At one of my first meetings, Paul Deafy said to me, can I get you a cup of coffee? And I said, screw. And the guys gave me all the room I needed.
They were too afraid to do anything else. And the ones that weren't my sponsors took care of. They did not believe in 13-stepping. We still frown on it in Massachusetts. And I was brought up by a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, and she brought me up just like a little baby. She called me every morning at 8 o'clock, and she said, Linda, you get up. And she told me to do my laundry, and she told me what to do with my day.
That went on for two years. And you know what happened at the end of two years? I had gotten my feet wet enough in Alcoholics Anonymous that I could run my own day. Imagine that. That's a big deal. That's a big deal for a woman who came here as bankrupt as I was. And I went out and I got a little part-time job. I wrote a book in sobriety, and it was called Help, Health Education and Legal Problems.
And I'm not sharing this with you today because I need to blow my own horn. I'm sharing this with you today because I was a woman in a gutter. And that's what happens to a woman in the gutter that comes into the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous and does what she's told. And the book was published, and it helped an awful lot of people. And then I was able to actually go to work for a half a day. And then Betty said to me, I'm one of Ma Bell's girls, and those with phone problems, I'll meet you outside in the hall on the stairway coming down.
And we'll see what we can do about your phone problems. Never fails when I mention that. Half the rooms got phone problems. If they're Canadian phone problems, I can't help you. And this company had fired me. Fired me from the position that I was in strictly due to the use and abuse of alcohol. And Betty said, you're going to go back to the phone company. I said, what do I want to do that for? Betty said, go.
And you did what Betty said. And I went and I had to take a typing test, 20 words a minute. And I want to tell you something. I flunked it. What can I tell you? I'm just a pretty face. Typing does not come along with this package. Not only did I flunk it once, I flunked it three times. And so you see, I've had plenty of ego deflation in depth. And I said, Betty, I'm never going to do that again. And she said, make an appointment.
And I did. And the last time I said, Betty, I'm not going to do this again. She said, go to school and learn to type. And I did. And I'm happy to report I finally passed the typing test. And that was many years ago. And you know something? I was able to even in temporary setbacks like that. And that's what you people have taught me. I mean, really, my whole world does not have to cross in, which does not mean that I don't get down.
I'm the type of person that I go after something, and this is what you've given me. I can go after something with all the gusto of life that you've given me and my guts today. And sure, I get disappointed when I don't get something that I worked for. But you know something? I don't waddle in it, and I don't have to cop an attitude today. Because what has happened to me is in becoming a free woman, I learned to hold my head high.
And I can walk down the street with my head held high today. And I can answer my door. And a couple of years ago, I was the top saleswoman in the New England area for New England Telephone, and you taught me that. And you know how that started? You know how I learned to do that? I was the secretary of a group, and I had to go put my hand out to somebody and say, Hi, my name is Linda. Are you new? That's what happened to me in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I learned everything that is necessary to live in this world in these halls. Recently, I was privileged enough to be railroaded into being the chairwoman of the Easton Mass Birthday Party Committee. And we held a party on June 9th for 700 sober Elkies in Dorchester, Massachusetts, which is part of Boston. And I'll tell you something. That probably took four months to put together, at least four months to put together.
And up until like 15 minutes before the doors opened, I was still $400 in the hole. And don't think for a minute that my guts weren't going. You know, I'd never go into something wanting to come out second. I always go into something wanting to come out first. And if second's the best I can do, I'll take it. And you know something? You know, God in his wisdom, just before the whole thing started, I don't know where the money came from, but the whole thing was paid for, and I had made $72.
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And I don't know how I did that, because I had only had a tally of selling 688 tickets, and I came out with more money than I was supposed to have. You know, again, it was an experience that I will never forget. And actually, I'd like to forget it for about the next four months. I have started to say no, because there was times that you have to back off. I've been in periods of my life suffering AA burnout, if you can possibly believe that.
And you know, you take a couple months off, and you say, I'm never going to do that again. And then you go find a bigger thing to get involved in. So now what I'm involved in is the Mass State Convention. But that's not until November, so I will get some breathing space. And I guess that's really about all that I have to share with anybody that's new or coming back in this room. Self-esteem and self-image is something that comes from within.
And I used to think, when I got here, I thought self-esteem and self-image was the high heels and the short shorts I wore. And that's really what I thought. That's how sick I was. And gee, the truth of the matter is, you know, something I've never worn… I'm a runner today, and I'm not running from anything. You know, I can do that, because that's something that I can do for me. And I can get out and do my jog in the morning, and I can commune with my higher power, and I can get good physical, spiritual, and emotional feelings about Linda Patterson.
And isn't that what life is all about? I mean, you know, when I take a look, really take a look at the scope of my life, the most important thing in my life today, next to my sobriety, is I have a young man in my life, my son Michael, who's 11 years old. I sobered up for my son Michael, and you're sitting here getting sober for someone else. Welcome. You know, it doesn't matter who you're sitting here for.
You will eventually sit here for yourself. And my son can put his arms around me today, and he can say, Mommy, I love you. And he can say that in front of his friends. You know, and he can point me out on the street, and he can say, That's my mother, and he's not ashamed of me. I have a man in my life that I love today, and who loves me, and he's not ashamed of me. And you know something? I'm not ashamed of me.
I can walk out of this room today with my head held high, and I can walk on the streets of Montreal. And you know something? I know that today I am a child of God, and God loves me just the way I am. And I owe that all to Alcoholics Anonymous. I owe all the abilities that I have in my life today to you people. And it started with coming here, bringing the body, and somehow the mind followed what was left of the mind.
And I guess the only thing I can say is, if you're new or you're coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous, you too are wanted, and you're needed, and you're loved. And I hope the God of your understanding will be as good to you as mine has been to me. Au revoir. Applause Thank you, Linda. You really are beautiful. Now I'd like to introduce our next speaker, Al Gee from Washington. Applause Hi, everyone.
My name is Al. I'm an alcoholic. It's sure nice to be here. I happen to be from a town with, on Saturday if it's a holiday, there's about 1,500 people that live there in that area at that particular time. So this is a large area for me, and I can tell you that my heart's kind of beating fast, and I wonder if it's going to keep on going at times, but I'm not scared. But I am a little nervous about the crowd scaring me a little.
It's quite an honor to be asked. I want to thank the committee for asking me to share my experience, strength, and hope with you that are here today and in Montreal. Ten years ago in Denver in 1975 was my first world conference, and I was three years sober at that time. By the way, two weeks ago I was given my 13th cake at Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have you to thank for all those days. But I looked out at those people ten years ago that were doing the things that Linda just shared, the things that we're doing here in Montreal this weekend, and I thought, God, that would never be possible.
How would those people ever get to stand up in front of a large group and say anything? …in front of a large group and say anything, but it was sure an honor when I was asked.
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And I, you know, it'd be nice, I thought, boy, if I could just have someone else do it for me. But I'm not scared to get up and do some of these things today, because I have you, and I know where everything that I've got in life has came from. We arrived yesterday from, like I say, the West Coast, out of Washington State, and we arrived here last night kind of late, and sometimes in big crowds and big areas.
Like I say, that city that I live in, you could shoot a cannon down Main Street any time after six o'clock on a Friday evening. You wouldn't hurt anybody. There's one stoplight in the city, and I don't really know why that's there. I thought I could come up here and do some lying, but I look around and I see some folks from my home group here today. And that's a good feeling to know that there's people here that love me enough to allow me to stick with this program a day at a time.
My home group meets on Tuesday night. They ask me to say hello. I wish they could all be here, but there is some of them, and that's real nice. It's a long ways from where I came to be able to be in a city like this. My wife and I traveled here, and reaching an area like this and not really, never being here before, you showed us a way to get along again. Last night, someone from New York, right off the bat, says, you know, this is the way we go to the convention center.
He took us right there, but, you know, carried us hand in hand. And that's the way you've done to me 13 years ago when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. You grabbed me by the hand and showed me the way to live. I think a lot about the clever things sometimes, maybe I try to say it, but it's the things we do, the things we show each other, is the thing that keeps me sober, not the things that I, maybe, it's the walking that really makes a difference, and that's what you showed me, how to walk hand in hand with the fellowship and learn the things that we're here to talk about.
Self-esteem. I didn't know anything about that. I confused it with ego and all kinds of things. But I thought about my sponsor, and if I was going to say one thing that made the most sense to me when Alcoholics Anonymous was getting started was that sponsor that carried me on a daily basis to Alcoholics Anonymous, made sure I got to a meeting on a daily basis, and carried me to the places that the people were willing to love me until I understood something about myself.
And there was only one meeting in the area that I lived at that particular time. But he was willing to take me 50, 75 miles away to hear friends of his that he felt that would be good for me, and I couldn't understand any of those things. I was scared to death. I couldn't understand how he could carry me to places and introduce me to people and say things that never made sense to me. I was just scared all the time.
And here, you know, 35 years old when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I felt 55. Today I'm almost 50, and I really feel about 20 years younger than I did when I came here. But it was because of things like my sponsor and the people that he carried me to and showed me how to do this program. Linda talked about service, and it was an important part. I've done some jobs at Alcoholics Anonymous that have meant a lot to me.
I never really knew what was going on until each one of them was over, but that was all right. I remember after about six years sober, someone said one of those elections, I must have been off to Denver somewhere, and I was elected Institution Chairman for the Washington area. Never been in an institution in my life. You know, a little time in city jails for drunk and disorderly, but… I didn't know anything about talking to those drunks, you know.
I didn't know why they would ask a guy like me. I figured it must be nobody else. And I was kind of scared yet. But, you know, they asked me, and I agreed to do it. And as I worked with things like that, life got simpler, as long as I could kind of keep it down to a daily basis. You know, that's what I like about being here today. You know, I'm not concerned about my sobriety today, because this morning, very early this morning, I woke, and I went through a little ritual, and I have for a long time.
I asked the higher power to help me through this day. And after I do that, I don't worry again about drinking this day. And as long as I'm able to do that, I believe, on a daily basis, I don't have to worry about drinking, like Linda said. But I'm not going to say anything about tomorrow right now, because I just ask for today, and if I can keep it that simple. And that's the way my sponsor talked to me about it.
[00:35:01]
I have another sponsor that's kind of a… I call him my secondary sponsor, and he's next door now. And so I couldn't, I was glad I didn't get to talk when he was in here watching me, because he's going to check me out real good to see if I had anything nice to say about him. But he carries me today through a lot of these things that help me. He asks me to do things, and that's great for me. But it is easy now to say no sometimes, too.
That's what I've learned from you. I remember how scared I used to be, and how funny I felt if someone asked me to do something. I'd always come up with an excuse. I never would say I can't do it, but I had some party or something to go to prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, and even in the first three or four years. I was scared to come out and say yes. But now, if there's something I believe I can do, I'm scared to tell you, no, I don't know how to do it.
Or yes, I'll be glad to, whatever the case may be. I don't have to hide behind those shields anymore. I can be honest with you most of the time. As long as I come here pretty regular. If I stay away from Alcoholics Anonymous for a while and get wrapped up in all those important things like making money and planning trips to Montreal and all these things, I kind of screw things up at times. But if I can keep this program simple and listen to you, let you show me the way.
So many things last night happened to my wife and I. We didn't arrive here until 8 or 8.30 at the airport and getting here and people being willing to show us right up until we retired. People showing us how to get on and off the subway. We talk about those things. We read about them. We watch movies and see all these fancy pictures. And my wife said, this is a real thing. I don't like this underground stuff.
You remember First Blood we just watched the other day. But I'm not scared. It's a good feeling not to be scared anymore. I've got every bit of that from Alcoholics Anonymous. It's as smart as I thought I was 13 years ago. Just 13 years and about 2 weeks ago. As smart as I thought I was. Everything I know today, everything I believe in today you people have given to me and share your experience and strength with me to allow me to do these things to feel that I have grown to be able to do some of the things that Alcoholics Anonymous have asked me.
I don't have to worry about if someone asks me what's going to happen next week. I don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about that. I try not to plan any results. As long as I do some things on a daily basis and they're willing to listen and watch you go it's going to be a beautiful thing. Today I'm kind of excited about the flag ceremony tonight. I've seen two of those previously. I've been in New Orleans and Denver and I'm thinking about what's going to happen today because I get very emotional at some of these things.
I could not do that prior to coming to Alcoholics Anonymous or for a long time in Alcoholics Anonymous. Getting emotional was, I thought, weaklings done it. That was a terrible thing to hold inside. My birthday is kind of an emotional thing today. It doesn't bother me. I've been able to shed a tear or two in front of some folks and that's a good feeling because I've fought that for a long time through all kinds of things in my life.
I wasn't a nice guy when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have a little bit different than Linda. Booze was my thing. I never smoked any funny cigarettes, wacky tobacco, shot up any peanut butter, anything like that. I'll tell you, if you drink that whiskey by about 55 gallons a year, that's what I drank by the barrel, it'll do funny things. It'll cause you to speak in a babbling tongue. My wife said, you get to talking too much, but I don't have to be ashamed of that now.
For all those things, I'm allowed to be here in Montreal, a long way from home and not as scared and be able to look forward to it.
[00:40:00]
What's going to happen to hear the speakers and just to meet you out in the hall and shake your hand? What a spiritual feeling that is for me. I don't know what it does to everybody else, maybe for the first time. That's a spiritual experience that I have that cannot explain. If you have it, you know what I'm talking about. If you feel good about it. That's the way the program works for me. I feel cleaned out inside today, as long as I stay close.
That's the important part for me. I'd like to thank you and thank the committee for asking me. It's a beautiful sight to see so many people out here Thank you all. Thank you, Al. Washington is lucky to have you. Our next speaker is from Wisconsin, Harold S. Hi, everyone. My name is Harold. I am an alcoholic. I'm from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. You probably always wondered if there really was an Oshkosh. I'm sure there is.
I belong to the Monday night group in Oshkosh and it's the best group in this whole fellowship. By the grace of God and the fellowship of AA and all you people, I haven't found it necessary to use alcohol since the 2nd of May, 1975. For that, I'm forever grateful. I'd like to thank, too, the committee and those responsible that I'm on this panel this morning. It's a privilege. It really is great to be at this convention to be part of this 50-year birthday party.
Meet all you people. Like Al said, I'm not scared, but I am nervous. This is about the biggest group I've ever talked in front of. So please bear with me. If there was any problem in my life, I finally did find my way to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was completely broke, bankrupt physically, mentally, spiritually. I had all the ill effects of alcoholism. I had them shakes, the morning hangovers, the dry heath and bleeding.
I had regular bouts with the gout. The doctor thought I had high blood pressure. Yet I couldn't believe that any of these things had anything to do with alcohol. I had many sleepless nights. The only way I'd get to sleep was by drinking myself to oblivion. So what did it really matter if I drank or not? Mentally, I had problems also. I couldn't understand how a guy like me, I was never late to work, never absent, how my job could be on the line.
Even the days after our big company parties, I was the guy that was on the job. Earlier than usual, so I could point out those that weren't there. What business did anyone have if I drank before or after work? That was my own time. Or what if I had a drink during lunchtime? I could still come back and work circles around my co-workers, so I thought. The things people started telling me. They'd probably found bottles on the job that I had hidden.
Or they'd tell me they'd seen me here or there the night before and I couldn't remember. Worse yet, they'd tell me I owed them money that I had borrowed and I couldn't remember. But I had to pay them back because I owed them money. Then I started making up stories as excuses for whatever reasons, but I had to have a
[00:45:03]
lot of excuses, it seemed. And it was becoming harder and harder to tell the stories from reality. I often caught myself in a trap. So I just tried to avoid people, and I really thought that if people just left me alone, everything would be okay. Spiritually, I thought I was okay, too. I still went to church every Sunday morning, right before I went to the tavern. Person in the program opened a part of my life that only I saw before, that only I could heard about.
And I found out I wasn't different, I was just like all of you. Still, I had a complete lack of self-esteem. I drank because I felt worthless, guilty, miserable. And since I didn't like myself, and I couldn't face myself without alcohol, so if I was going to try a sober life, I was going to have to change. I had to ask God and all of you for help to remove all the defects in my life. I still have many.
I still have many defects. Today, I think my most glaring ones are my impatience and intolerance with those closest to me. I ask God for help with those defects each day. Being a men's has given me humility and honesty and the strength to live a new life where love replaces a men's. It's far easier for me to treat others with love than it is to say I'm sorry. I can take a personal inventory today because the first nine steps gave me back a conscience.
I always had it, but I guess I used to sit on it. A conscience, I do know right from wrong today, and the conscience doesn't always keep me from doing the, it doesn't always make me do the right thing, but it sure does keep me from enjoying the wrong thing. I learned to pray or ask for help, and I learned that God hadn't given up on me yet, otherwise why would he be doing all these neat things, all these miracles?
God hadn't given up on me, I had given up on him. I used to be alone in a crowd. Today I'm not alone when I'm by myself. Those are the best times that God and I can communicate. I like to start each day asking for his help and finish it thanking him for it. And I really do try not to pray for specifics, but I do. Maybe someday along the line my only prayer can be, thy will not mine be done. The 12 step is a guarantee that if I have honestly tried living this program, I will have a whole new outlook on life and living.
Many miracles have restored my self-image. It's called a spiritual awakening. It started when I first received that just small desire to stop drinking, and it continued to where that awful compulsion to drink was removed. But mainly when I was given the ability to be grateful, something I was never capable of before, the attitude of gratitude. It's impossible to be resentful or angry or even think of drinking when I look at all the things I've got to be grateful for as a result of this program.
I know I have a long way to go on the program, and that there are many days go by the only thing I do right is not take the first drink. But thanks to God, the fellowship of AA, and to all of you, today I'm the best me I've ever been. And the only way I can stay that way is by carrying the message. Thank all of you.
[00:50:11]
Thank you, Harold. Now all of Oshkosh knows Harold S. My brother was a good friend of mine on the program by the name of Bernie, and he picked me up at my room. I lived over at Tavern then, and he was picking me up to go to my third meeting. And he said to me, Is your name really Bill Wilson? And I said, Yes. And he said, You know, you can never drink again. I thought he was nuts. I didn't know what he was talking about.
But you know, there was some 24 hours later that I was in Akron, Ohio with my sponsor. My sponsor is here this morning, and it probably seems kind of strange, a guy my age is sponsored still be alive, but fortunately enough, we're both the same age. But you know, we were there for a Founders Day weekend, and we happened to be in this hall on Saturday night, and we looked across the hall, and there was Bill Wilson, the co-founder with his small entourage.
Next time we looked over, Bill was sitting there all by himself. My sponsor, John, says, Bill, go on over there and tell them who you are. I said, Do you think I should? He said, Sure, go ahead. And I walked over to Bill, and I said, Hi, Bill, excuse me for a minute, but I'd like to introduce myself. I said, My name is Bill Wilson, and I'm an alcoholic from Chicago. He says, That's not such a bad name.
So that was a memorial experience for me, and it's something that I just wanted to share with you, that's all. But you know, all of you here this morning, did you ever see those bumper stickers, you know, that says, If you know Bill W., honk your horn? You know, from now on, if anybody ever asks you if you know Bill W. from Chicago, you tell them, You're doggone right, because you're friends of mine.
It's been indeed a pleasure and an honor to chair the meeting here with all of you here. Should we give our speakers another hand this morning? Thank you, Linda. Thank you, Al, and thank you, Harold. Would you all care to join me in the Lord's Prayer?