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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – PROMISES PROMISES Promises Promises – RS 06347.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-promises-promises-promises-promises-rs-06347.mp3 Duration: 01:03:51
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If we could take our seats, we will get the meeting underway. If someone would shut the door there, please. I'd like to ask all of you to join me in a moment of silence. We'll follow that then with the serenity prayer. We might try to express a little bit of gratitude in our hearts for the 50 years that this fellowship has been existing. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Anonymity, of course, being the spiritual foundation of our fellowship and also a very practical part, we may have some here who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. Thus, we respectfully ask that no A.A. speaker or indeed any A.A. member be identified by full name or photograph in published or broadcast reports of our meetings.
The assurance of anonymity is essential in our effort to keep other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us. And our tradition of anonymity reminds us that A.A. principles come before personalities. I'm going to correct myself because I know my wife will later on. I said keep. It is to help other alcoholics. I am Jerry Sullivan. I am an alcoholic. By the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and people like you at meetings like this, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink today.
And that's a miracle in itself, and I have some gratitude for that gift. I am here as a moderator. I'm substituting for Tom H. of Dodge City, Kansas. Tom had some misfortune befalling, not personal but business misfortune, and was unable to make it. And so he has asked and the general service staff has allowed me to serve in his position. I'm strictly a moderator, so I'm going to hush up and have our first speaker this morning who's going to talk to us on promises, promises.
And it promises to be great. Kathy? Hi, my name is Kathy and I am an alcoholic. Good morning. My home group is in Glenhead, which is in Long Island, New York, Nassau County. And I am privileged to be here and share this panel with you this morning and maybe pass on a little of what's been given to me. I've been given so, so much. Our topic today or our theme today is promises, promises. And for me, there are two sides to that coin on the promises.
One is the negativity of it in my act of alcoholism. And, you know, the constant promises to myself, to my family, to all those around me, you know, with this disease that had taken hold of me and was dragging me down, down, down, down. And the constant promise this time it will be different. And I guess the one that I made, the promises and the one that I hurt most with these promises were myself.
You know, the promises to myself that I could not keep and the lying and the trying to justify the promises I couldn't keep. When I came to AA, I came first in 62, and at that point the seed of Alcoholics Anonymous was planted. I knew from the first time I went to my first meeting that I was an alcoholic. I identified with the speakers and what they were saying. I was 23 years old at the time, and this was back in 1962.
And at the group that I went to, one of the things I have to share with you, was that when my dad and I walked into the open meeting that night, everyone welcomed my father. And my father was to say, it's not me, it's her, you know. But people would come to me and say, you know, you're a little young to be an alcoholic. We hear in Manhattan, you know, that bad place, that they have a few young people there.
But that didn't affect me. And I have to say that because I couldn't use that as an excuse when I was to go out and pick up the drink again
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because I identified with that first meeting, with the blackouts, with the first drink. The whole thing came, and I labeled myself at that point an alcoholic. And within myself, it didn't make any difference what the people around me might have been saying. It was myself I had to get honest with, and it was a relief. It was a tremendous relief because I knew nothing of the disease of alcoholism, and I knew nothing about Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was looking for you.
I had recently gotten out of a hospital in my area where I was in the mental section, the 11th floor. One side was the prison, and the other side was the psychiatric ward, and I had put myself in there because I didn't know what was the matter with me. And so I identified within myself that I was an alcoholic. I came to AA for about three months, and I didn't hear about change. That's the only way I can put it today in looking back.
I didn't hear about the change. I accepted that I was an alcoholic, but there were a lot of things I didn't hear, and for me, I guess that was the way it had to be because I was to get married and move out to Chicago and accepting, like I said, that I was an alcoholic and thinking I knew what my problem was and what the solution was, and that was that I just didn't drink, you know. And in the beginning, it was very easy.
You see, when I left, and no matter where I go in life, I take me with me, and it was when I came back, when I heard a definition of alcoholism that I can accept for myself was that the alcohol was in the bottle and the ism is with me. So no matter where I go, even though I haven't put the alcohol in my body today and I haven't had to do it for a few 24 hours, the ism is with me, and that's why I talk about the change.
I stayed dry for, I guess, about a year, but that ism was playing havoc with me, and eventually the day came that I picked up the drink, and those next years, all those yes that I heard in the room, in that Manhasset group that I was going to in 1962, all came back and became a reality in my life. And by the time I got back to AA, I was at a state of such negativity and depression and hopelessness that I didn't think AA would work for me this time, but it was one of those things I just had.
I had to make an unconscious decision to call AA again, and for me, the miracle was to be there, and like I said, I went into the rooms of the Glenhead group. It was an open meeting on Monday night, and the only reason I know my anniversary date and that it was a Monday night was because our open meetings are still Monday night at Glenhead, and they gave me a lighter a year later that had April 14th on it, 1970.
So that's how I really know. I was in such a way at that point. I had had, in the last two years, I had had seven jobs and had lost six of them so far. I had just started my seventh job and was three weeks on the job and had already taken a week's sabbatical, so you can easily see where that one was going. I had three car accidents. I was in and out of my mom and dad's house like a yo-yo, corresponding with the loss of jobs and saying, this time it's going to be different.
The promises, the constant promises, and being completely unable to keep them for any period of time because of the ism and the alcohol and the disease that would take me out, pick up that drink, and be back on the merry-go-round again. Today, and you know, it's funny that we should be speaking on promises, promises. This is my third international, and my daughter has been to the three of them with me, and we were reminiscing, and gratitude is an action word, you know, and sometimes I forget.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in all the things that are going on that I have to stop and look, and it's ironic that we should have been doing it this week. When I came into AA, I had nothing. I was on the verge of losing, like I said, my seventh job. My daughter was six years old at that time, and my father had some, within maybe a week or so, that my father must have said something to me, which I never, I cannot remember him saying because that week was a complete week of drunkenness, and I have no recall, but something told me my daughter was going to be taken away from me, that my father had mentioned something about, you know, I was an unfit mother, and he was going to take her away from me, and I knew this was true.
I had nothing. I had absolutely nothing. I had lost a car, you know, like I said, three car accidents. I had lost two cars. I had absolutely and positively nothing, and not even hope, not even hope when I walked through those doors, but through the miracle that was in the room that night, and through the love and the strength and the faith of the people that were in the room, they held me, and they kept me sober.
They literally kept me sober.
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I did go, I don't even know how I did it, but I went to work the next day, and I started giving time, time, and that was important to me. Left to my own devices, that is an enemy. I still self-destruct, but these people kept me busy. They kept me away from that one drink one day at a time, and by some unbelievable thing, suddenly I had like 90 days, and they allowed me to be secretary of my group, you know, and I can't tell you what came over me at that time, you know.
Nobody had asked me to do anything for a long time, you know, and to take a responsible position like being secretary, and of course that is, you know, the ego comes out, you know, and when I was secretary, you know, I realized the importance of it because I was getting a little better, and I think we can only see this in time, and at 90 days I thought I was cured again. You know, I felt good. I hadn't felt that good in a long time, and I thought, you know, I was cured, and I started feeling better, and that is, like I said, you know, well, maybe I don't need these seven nights a week going out to meetings, you know, and all that kind of stuff, but one of the important things that I found by having the meeting in my group was that it made sure I got to my group two nights a week, and that was very important because it's important to stay a part of AA, and I would go, and of course I had to be there because I figured if I wasn't there, you know, the group would fall apart.
You know, I mean, who would, I had to get up and give those announcements. It was very important, but I have to share another thing with you was that the other me made me shake like I am now, and I would get up there with a piece of paper like this, you know, but I did it, you know, I did it, and left to myself I would not have done it, but I did it, and then they allowed me to be program chairman.
I figured the only reason they did that was because they figured one way or another. They were keeping me sober now. I figured now they're going to give, try and cure this nervous disease I have, you know, but they allowed me to be program chairman, and around nine months into my sobriety, they also volunteered my service to be secretary of the answering service that was getting started in Nassau County, and for me this was the second miracle that introduced me to the life of service in AA, and for me, believe me, it's the reason I am sober today.
As I look down, we talk about the promises, the promises that happened. The only thing that they really promised me in that group was that if I stayed active, I didn't pick up that first drink, I would stay sober. Now a lot of things around me might not get better. They might get very bad, but what they guaranteed me is that I would be able to handle them on a daily basis. There was a process that had to happen.
I had to get into the steps. I had to get to know Kathy, and I had to change the me that brought me in, because if I didn't, it would take me out again, and this is where the transition happened by going to the step meetings. At that time in our group, we had two meetings a week. We had an open meeting and a closed meeting. The closed meetings were dedicated the first Thursday of each month we did a step, and then we would do a tradition every fourth one.
So we got involved in that. We didn't have special step meetings, but a lot of the step meetings happened at the diners afterwards, at the meeting that we had before the meeting began, and a lot of this transition was happening in me, and I didn't see it really. A lot of it I never saw until I took the time to look back. To me, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous has been a training ground, a learning ground.
It has allowed me to make mistakes and fall down on my face and pick myself back up and get back on the road again. I learned responsibility in AA. I learned how to be responsible to take something and go through with it. I learned how to overcome the fear of saying, I can't do that. You know, I could never do that. You know, that was me. My normal reaction is no. The negativity in me, if you ask me to do something or ask me if I can do something, automatically I'll say no.
I'm glad when I came into my group they didn't give me a choice. You know, and I never questioned it. I thought that's the way it was. They just said, you be out on the corner tonight, you know, we're going to pick you up here, we're going to this meeting, we're going to that meeting. You're a secretary, you're the program chairman, you're this, you're that. They guarded my life. But it takes me back to the conversation that my daughter and I were having and the promises.
Those promises are so true. And it starts with a day at a time and the change. and it starts with a day at a time and the change.
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I look back today and I have a life that is unbelievable. First of all, I have a young daughter that just graduated from college. I told you what got me in here. My higher power, I really and truly believed, used her to give me life because I would not be alive today. I know that. But what has happened in the transition is I've been allowed to be the part of the process of her growing up. And I said she graduated from college. I have no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't have graduated from college and done all those things and be the person, the beautiful person that she is today without me.
For me, the gratitude comes that I have been allowed to be a part of it. This is our third international, you know. I learned about internationals through being in service. The job I told you about that I was about to be, I was three weeks on. I took a week's sabbatical about to be thrown out of. I went into that job with already 15 years of business experience behind me. And I took a job that was like the lowest job on the token pole in the office because that was all I was capable of.
And I was almost incapable of that once I picked up the drink. Today, I've been with the same company 15 years. I didn't lose that job. And I am personnel director of the company that I work for that has grown unbelievably since I'm there. And I've been a part, been allowed to be a part of that. And it all starts with that, you know, just not taking that first drink, the change that's involved. And each and every one of us can have that.
The material things, you know, like I said, they happen. They happen. We were talking about the times we've moved. We've moved four times in my sobriety. And as I look back each time, it was a move for the better. It was a move for the better. We moved hundreds of times while I was drinking. I couldn't even keep track of them. And each time it was down. Now it's up. And it's only because I don't have to drink today.
And it's just today I do it. And as long as I stay active in AA and stay a part of it. You know, I need AA more today than I needed the night I walked through the doors of that Glenhead Group back in 70. I had no idea what was ahead of me. I, you know, I would have settled for a crumb, you know, just a little dinge, a dim of hope, you know. And what I have today is just unbelievable. To lose it today would be terrible.
Yet I know the promises tell me, and in the big book it says, if I do this program one day at a time, keep the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life, and most importantly, never fail to give away what is given to me. That's how I keep it. If we don't give it away, we don't keep it. And that's all that's asked. And I get so much back. You know, you can't be grateful and unhappy at the same time.
I heard this out in the Denver Convention on the Sunday spiritual panel. And I've never forgotten that. Because sometimes I get in my own little squirrely cage. Like I said, that ism. That ism is, I can't say because it would be on a tape, but you know what it is. And it can really get you caught up. But when I'm here and when I'm with you people, and my daughter will attest to this that I can go off the wall very easily, but when I'm with you people, I don't have to.
And I'm grateful that you're here. And God willing, AA will go on for another 50 and another 50. Because each and every one of us in this room is a miracle. You know, when I walk around and I see all these people here, and all the lives that have been restored, and that each and every one of us is a part of that, but we have a responsibility to carry it on and make sure that AA is here 50 years from now for that drunk that's out there and is looking for something.
Thank you. Applause Thank you, Kathy. I usually forget something, and today's no exception. I was asked to make the announcement that we not have any coffee or juices in the room. It's all right to have water, but the fruit juice and the coffee with the cream and the sugar stains the rugs, so they've asked us not to have any in here. So if any of you do have, please consume it as quickly as possible.
Next on our program, we have a gentleman from Ohio, Ralph H. Ralph? Applause Thank you, Jerry. My name is Ralph H., and I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
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Hi, Ralph. I am an alcoholic, and a good one. I'm much better in sharing on a one-to-one basis than I am at speaking in public like this, and Kathy, of course, is a very, very difficult person to follow because she was excellent. I enjoyed that, Kathy. Thank you. When they told me that the topic would be promises tonight, I had to stop and think of my counselor and my sponsor, Cecil A. in Columbus, who gave me the first promise.
He said, it will get better. And at that time, I thought, well, it had to get better. It couldn't get any worse. I was sent to this beautiful fellowship. I did not come voluntarily. I was sent for help and told that if I didn't do something about my drinking, then I wouldn't have a job, don't come back, and this frightened me. When I was drinking, I had an extremely hard head. I had a favorite saying, that I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
And the problem was, I think, that I believed that sincerely. And because of this, then I was extremely hard-headed, refused to accept the fact that I had a problem. And when I was sent to Cecil, he told me no uncertain terms what my problem was. He did what I have heard people say is not done. He told me I was an alcoholic. But then he told me what an alcoholic was. And he explained that I had no control over this disease.
And he took the blame away from me. He took the guilt away from me. And he showed me how, through this beautiful fellowship, that things could get better. And he made that promise to me. He said it will get better on a day-to-day basis. And I think it was the way he said it, and the explanation as to the disease, that I believed him. He took me over and put me in a detox unit to dry me out so that I could hear and understand some of the promises that were given to me.
And as I began to dry out and get over the shakes, the outward shakes as well as inside, I began to listen a little bit. Now, Cecil was my counselor, and he is also a member of AA. But he counseled me at first. I went back to him twice a week. Then he sent me into the program. He didn't give me any specific number of meetings that I should attend. But I think that very forcibly, really, he introduced me to you people who, over a period of a few 24 hours, has kept me, I think, on a plane that I would never have attained in drinking.
When I was sent to Cecil in May of 74, and I feel that I'm an infant in this program, when I was sent to Cecil in 74, he gave me the one promise things would get better and began to teach what AA was all about. And as I say, he took the blame and the guilt feelings away from me. But little by little, through coming to the meetings and sharing with people in the program, I have found that I'm able to maintain a sense of euphoria.
My brother-in-law in my home group, my home group is Lancaster, Ohio,
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told me one day at a meeting, one evening at a meeting, he said, Ralph, he said, one day you're going to come down off that cloud. And when you do, I hope you come down gently. And I have not come down from that cloud. Not at any time. I have good days and bad days. But at no time have I ever come down off that cloud. They speak of a sense of gratitude for the program. And my sense of gratitude holds no bounds.
I maintain my gratitude, the serenity that the promises give us. They say that things will get better, that you will be serene, you'll be comfortable with yourself, you will find the love and the fellowship that you could never find anywhere else. And I find this and maintain this through a meditation period in the morning. I'm an early riser. Excuse me. I'm an early riser. I get up at four o'clock each morning.
And this is my time. I come down about four and I sit back in this little back room that we have. Thank you, Jerry. I appreciate that. Thank you. We've got a small room back in the back of the house that is our den, our TV room. And from four o'clock until about five, I spend my time back there. It's an hour. And this is my time to get rid of all the negative thoughts, to think only positive thoughts, how much I've got to be grateful for.
I still have my job, I still have my home, I still have my wife, my kids. And in every way, these promises that they have given me have come true. I've got the most fantastic life now. So much to be grateful for. And for that hour each morning, this is what I do. I sit back and think about this. And then when the time comes for me to go to work, I go to work with a tremendous feeling. I go in happy and people seem to like me now.
And they certainly didn't like me before. This has all come from this fellowship and the 50 years. I had the most fantastic experience about two weeks ago. I missed Founders Day because we had another conference the week following. I belong to the Loners Internationalists and I write letters. And this is my way to share and to carry the message. And two weeks ago, we had our conference that was, you know, followed Founders Day by a week.
I was very, very fortunate in that I was invited with our group, the Internationalists. There was only 38 of us, but it's such a beautiful, beautiful fellowship. Those 38, it is the most fantastic experience. It's indescribable. We became such a close family. It's a very intimate group and it's really fantastic. We have one or two of them in the room here this morning that were there. And I'm sure that they will agree that when we left one of the meetings and were taken over to Dr. Bob's home, we went in, sat down and had coffee with his daughter.
Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Promises. Everything that has ever been promised has come to me a thousand fold. There is absolutely nothing to describe the love and the closeness. And the closeness that we have in AA, it's just fantastic. It's a beautiful feeling to
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know that I could call any one of you at any time and get back exactly what I need to maintain my sobriety today. And when they tell me that one day at a time, if I don't take that first drink today, my life will get better, I believe this because it's true. I think this is a tremendous honor to be even asked to get up and share a little bit with you. And I appreciate it, but I appreciate more of my sobriety today, and I have you to thank for it. Thank you.
Thank you, Ralph. Next on our program is a man I met just outside the hall this morning, and he and I have something in common. We both read our letters and we were confused as to the time and location of this meeting. Fortunately, I stumbled into it and then he stumbled into me, and we both got here at the same time. And this is kind of the promise of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that us drunks are going to be taken care of, right?
Hi, everyone. My name is Ray Donovan, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm going to try to share with you a few promises that this fellowship has made to me, and I hope that you will benefit. And if you don't, keep listening, you'll find somebody that can give you a promise that you will relate to. As I said, my name is Ray Donovan. I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I belong to the Canonsburg group, which I consider to be the finest group in AA. In order for me to tell you my story, I will begin somewhat at the end. At the end of my drinking, at least until this present day, I wound up in a hospital in Pittsburgh with a broken leg that I had, and I had rolled over an embankment, and I was taken to a hospital where I had been released a week prior to that, having been treated for chronic alcoholism. And the doctor looked at me, and he said, I don't know what we're going to do with you, Ray, but I'm tired of putting you back together. And he requested that the nurse take my clothes, and he sent a counselor in from the BVR, the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation.
This man talked to me about a treatment facility known as Chit Chat Farms in the eastern part of Pennsylvania. I was sent there, and I went there a very uncooperative individual. I didn't like anything about where I was going, what I was doing. I didn't like anything about anything. And I was there about a week when I was in an encounter group, a discussion group, and the counselor there, the man who was conducting the meeting, said to me, you know, Ray, if perhaps you would tell us about yourself a little bit, just maybe we might be able to help you. You have to stop being so omnipotent. I didn't know what that word meant, but I knew this, I didn't like this fella. And after I looked that word up, I liked him even less. I don't know how he could perceive me as having been omnipotent when I was an individual who was beaten down by alcohol in every aspect, spiritually, mentally, and physically. And there I was. The next morning, this man called me to his office, and he said, I have appointed myself as your counselor during your stay here. I said, isn't that wonderful? So he said, I would like you to tell me in a general way what you used to be like, what happened, and what you're like now. And I told him basically the same story that I'm about to tell you with certain additions. And he listened to this story and he said to me, okay, Ray, now we know how it is with you. We know how it is. What you need to know is what it is. And I
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said, what, what is? And he said, what alcoholism is. I said, what is alcoholism? And he said, alcoholism, as far as you're concerned, having heard your story, alcoholism is a learned, inadequate response to life. And he repeated it. Alcoholism is a learned, inadequate response to life. And he made me repeat it. And I said, okay, alcoholism is a learned, inadequate response to life. So what? And I better start drinking now. I'm going to leave that set there for a while, and I'm going to try to tell you a little bit about myself. I began to drink at an early age, and I made a lot of promises to myself about where I was going and what I was going to do. My head was full of bright ideas about life and about how I would progress through it and how I would conquer it. That was a promise I made myself, since that is our topic. Now, little was I to know as I started on my drinking career that it was to take me down a road of destruction, and certainly not one that I would want to repeat in many areas. I drank in a very severe, addictive fashion, you might say, not addictive, but heavily drinking fashion until the war came. And I hate to tell you what war, but it was the one where the Japanese were involved. And I went there, and I got that situation straightened out. And I came back to the States, where I met and married a girl from a town called Carnegie, Pennsylvania. And we had a son born to us. I had a fine job in a steel, I was a steelmaker. I returned to the job that I had held prior to my entry into the war, and I quickly went upscale in the production line of the steel business. And I went to the top of the line because I feared nothing. I feared no job. I would take any challenge. So, I had the respect of my employer. I had the respect of a family. I had a son that was a year old, and I was very proud of this boy. As I mentioned, I was a heavy drinker. My wife called me from work one day and told me the boy was very sick, and it was a time of the big snow. And it was a very severe winter that year. It was back in the 50s. The boy was a year old, and he had a very bad cough. And we called the doctor, and he came to my home and put him in a vapor tent. And I wanted to take him to a hospital, and he would not do this. He said, no, he's in fine shape right here, and he gave him an injection and left him. We were entertaining that night, and I got thoroughly laced with alcohol, as I always did. We had some friends from the neighborhood in, and my wife got my attention in the wee hours of the morning and told me this boy was worse yet. And so, the doctor again came to my home, and as time went on, the boy died by 8 o'clock in the morning. And I turned in. This is where I became an alcoholic. This is what my counselor referred to. I mean, this is where I believe I became an alcoholic. I don't think none of us really know where we wouldn't be alcoholics.
This is where I believe that I became an alcoholic. Whenever my son died, I felt a rage, a sense of loss, a feeling that I had never before felt. And I threatened to kill the doctor that came to pronounce him dead. I had him by the throat, and had there not been people present, I certainly would have done this. Now, what happened next was I began to drink with a dedication, and I became an alcoholic. I became, this was what my friend Ralph referred to as my first learned inadequate response to life. I continued to drink like this. I continued to go downscale with my drinking. I began to get in trouble at work. My employer called me to his office and told me that, generally Ray, when I call you here, we speak of many things. We speak of the production of steel. We
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speak of the analysis of steel. We speak of shop problems. We think about resolutions. Today, that is not going to be our subject. What we're going to talk about today is conduct, your conduct. And I made him a promise, and that is our theme. I made him a promise that I would get straightened out. I would again become the man he wanted me to be. That I would produce his steel, I would do all things, and I would be right on stream again. I walked out of that office and went to the first saloon and got thoroughly drunk in a very inadequate fashion. I proceeded to make many promises after that, none which could be kept, because what I didn't know was that I was incapable of keeping a promise. I believe this now, that whenever we speak of promises, I believe that an alcoholic is incapable of keeping the promises he makes to himself. I thoroughly believe that. He's not capable of believing and keeping these promises. So this went on and on until one day I bought a home in a better community in the Pittsburgh districts, and I bought a home in the Mount Lebanon area, and I proceeded to remodel it. And I'm here to tell you that that's another promise I never kept. It ain't done yet. But I'm still in this home, surprisingly enough. I'm still in this old barn, and I kind of like it. But many things happened there. I began to settle for a lot less in life, and I began to kind of gravitate toward lesser places to drink. And I found a place called the Carnegie Hotel, and this was a dive, a genuine first-class dive. And when I walked in there, I got applause. The people loved me here. I walked in there like a high roller from the east.
I was accepted here. I wasn't accepted in my former drinking circles. I began to get a feeling that I wasn't wanted anywhere else. And so I began to frequent this Carnegie Hotel, and I liked it, and I liked the people there. I began to experience things that I hadn't known before. And I got a message during one of my stays there over the weekend that I was needed desperately at home, and I had a big illusion going on in my head. And I drove home, and I thought, well, they need me there. They can't operate without me. They need me desperately, and I'll straighten them all out, and then I'll return to my way of life. When I got there, that's not what I found. What I found was a moving van, and my wife was directing the movers, and she told them this goes and that goes.
And she laid her wedding ring on the table and told me, don't destroy yourself, Ray. Don't destroy yourself. And I promised myself that I wouldn't destroy myself. But something happened to me when I was in this big empty house. I began to experience feelings that are described in our big book. The feelings that are all there. The fear, the anxiety, the remorse, the guilt, the despair. I felt it all. I experienced this. I began to know that what AA had told me was true. AA, I had experienced very briefly, and I thought it was very fine for those people. I didn't go back to AA. I just couldn't identify with these people. Many things happened. A man who had taken, or at least he had developed a concern for me, and a man in AA came to my home one fine day to find out if I was still wiggling. And in my hand I had a telegram, and it said, if you don't show good cause for your continued absence, you will be discharged under the terms of our contract. And it was signed by my employer. And I told him, I'm fired, Bob, I'm fired. And he said, you're not fired. All you have to do is get into a hospital, get straightened out, and you're going to be fine.
So he managed to get me into a hospital, in the St. Francis Hospital. And in the St. Francis Hospital, and I was there a couple of hours, and he began to relate to me that I had a learned, inadequate response to life.
[00:45:05]
To wit, the death of your son, the departure of your family, all things that have happened in your life, any crisis that ever occurred, you responded in a very inadequate fashion. What you need to learn is how to respond to life in a responsible manner. And how do you learn this? You learn it through the concepts of this fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. And after he uncovered a lot of false things going on in my mind, I began to be willing to listen to what was being said. And he said, I want you to learn something. He said, you were in AA a year and a half before you came here, is that correct? I said, that is right.
He said, why don't you like AA? I said, for one thing, they want me to be rigorously honest. And that is a joke. How can you be rigorously honest? I said, if I ever became rigorously honest, I would die. He said, illustrate, what do you mean by that? I said, all right, you four-eyed so-and-so, that ain't exactly what I said. I don't like you, and I'd like to take you out in the senders and dust you off a little bit, find out what makes you tick. That is rigorous honesty. And if I ever did that in life, I would die.
He said, let me tell you something about honesty as it is applied in this program, in this fellowship. You've got to get into your own person and stand your own image before you and have a direct confrontation between you and you and ask yourself questions regarding your sobriety. And whenever you can answer those questions in a scathingly honest manner, you just might survive. He said, I'm going to ask you some questions. What is AA? And I said, what is AA? That's a joke. It's a bunch of people that go to meetings, slap each other around, they eat donuts and drink a lot of coffee and get fat. That is not AA, he said.
He said, what is the first step? And I said, I don't know what the hell the first step is. How do I know such things? I said, we're playing word games and you're winning them all. He said, what is the first tradition? I said, I don't know what the first tradition is. I don't much give a damn. He said, look, Big Shot, I want you to learn something during your stay here. I would request of you to learn something while you're here. You're going to be here for 28 days and I'm going to be on your case.
So I would go to bed at night and think of ways to hate him, to get back at him. I'm going to get him. So I found out something. I made an admission, a promise, if you will, to myself. No matter what he says, no matter what I say, this guy is right. And so the only way to beat him is to play his game, learn something. So I began to listen. I opened up my mind and I began to listen with earnestness what this fellowship was saying to me.
And I'm going to lay a little of that on you and I'm going to shut up. I think we have to shut up at a certain time. So there was a person there who got up in front of an assembly and said, the alcoholic rides a horse called suspicion. And he gets off of that horse and he gets on another one that's called anxiety. And he gets off another one, gets off of that one and gets on another one that's called guilt.
And he gets off of that one and he gets on one that's called fear. And he gets off of that one and he gets on one that's called despair. And he can't get off of it. He can't get off of it. And another person addressed an assembly there and said something like this, there is a bottom down there. And under that bottom there is another bottom and below that there is another and below that another and beneath that another and on and on.
I was called to Ralph's office and he said, what did you learn?
[00:50:01]
I said, well I guess I learned that you don't ride the horses to the bottom. He said, well you're about right there. That's about right. That is correct. You're beginning to learn something. And it sometimes embarrasses me to tell you people that I had to be taught this program much like a child in kindergarten. But that's about what happened. That's about the way this man went about teaching me the operations of this fellowship.
So, I had quite an experience there. I had quite a changing experience within my own person. Many things happened. I called my wife and I told her, I believe I'm going to stay in the eastern part of Pennsylvania. I have a job as a melter here for carpenter steel. And she said, what are you going to do with the job that you left? I said, well that's gone. I know that's gone. I'm not even going to try to go back there.
And I was blown 23 years. She said, well that's very strange. Your employer was just here and he left a big basket of fruit. He wants to know when he can expect you back. I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe that this was happening. And I almost somersaulted the rest of my way through that facility. And so I learned what I could there and I went around and I began to relate to people. And I began to tell them about me and they began to tell me about them.
And I began to listen to their problems and try to understand how this fellowship works through sharing. Before I left this facility, Ralph called me during a lunch period one day. And there was a lot of people seated at a table over here along with him. And he called me over there as I was going down the tray line. And he said, Ray, do you know these people over here? And I said, yeah, yeah, I know them.
And he said, yeah, I know them. And I said, Ray Miller and Jerry and Ann and so, yeah, I know them. And he says, would you be embarrassed if I ask you some questions in their presence? And by now I'm getting cocky, don't you see? I said, what would you like to know? You know. He said, what is AA? I said, Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other.
That they may solve their common problems and help others to recover from alcoholism. He said, that's fantastic. Beautiful. What is the first step? I said, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Terrific, he says, terrific. What's the first tradition? Our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon AA unity. Wonderful. Now, he says, I'm going to ask you one more question and then I'm going to let you go.
He says, do you like me, Ray? And I said, one day at a time. What the guy didn't know was that I loved him. I loved him because he showed me something about life. He taught me something about acting and reacting. He taught me something about acting and reacting to life, good, bad or indifferent. How do you act if your son dies? How do you act if you win the lottery? How do you respond to life? And I have tried to respond to life with some kind of responsibility since that day.
That this man took it upon himself to go to all the trouble to teach this helpless, hopeless alcoholic how to recover a day at a time. And I have been trying to do that. I have been trying now. I'm going to tell you a few of my own views about this fellowship and a few of the promises that I have made to it and it has made to me. This fellowship as I see it is founded on three legacies. Recovery, unity and service.
And it is done because this is the way our founders designed it. Bill W. and Bob and the people that followed. Now, what I tried to do when I came into this fellowship was do as I was told. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, help other people.
[00:55:03]
Pick up a cup, chair a meeting, lead a meeting. Occupy yourself, involve yourself. Involve yourself in the recovery process. If it is a process of recovery, you indeed should participate in that process. And that's what I tried to do and that's what I'm still trying to do. So I recovered as the first legacy describes. Then I unified with a group and I tried to be a part of that function because I believe that the group conscience, an informed group conscience is the most important function of this fellowship.
It is in fact the government of this fellowship if there is such a thing as a government. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern. But if there is any such thing as a boss in this fellowship, it is the group conscience itself. So, recently I have been elected as the delegate for Western Pennsylvania and this is a part of the service legacy, the third legacy. And that's what I'm trying to do now.
And in the early days it was pointed out to me by my counselor that much of this program is written in the past tense. The first person plural, the past tense. We admitted we were powerful. We came to believe that a power greater. And I couldn't do this myself, but we could. We, you and I and all of us, we can recover a day at a time and for that I'm grateful and I am very honored to be here. I'm grateful and I am very honored to have been asked here.
And I promise you that I'm going to tell everybody about this background. Thank you. Well, thank you, Ray. We've still got a little time if anyone has any questions they might like to bounce off of our three panelists here this morning. On, in regards to promises. I believe you're going to get off easy. I want to thank Kathy, Ralph, and Ray for sharing with us this morning. Kathy talked about the promise that involvement with Alcoholics Anonymous will enhance our sobriety.
Ralph talked about the promise that personal concern for others will enhance our sobriety. Ray talked about the promise that if we face ourselves through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous our sobriety will be enhanced. There's not a thing in the world that I could add to that. I do want to read out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous our twelve promises. They're not numbered as such. A lot of people say there's twelve and I can look at them in some manners and come up with twelve and then I can come up with thirteen.
But on page 83 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we're talking about our ninth step where we're beginning to clean up and take care of some of the deficiencies in our lives and some of the things that we've done says if we're painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. In 1965, at Toronto, Canada, this fellowship accepted a pledge which I have always considered a form of charity.
I've always considered a form of a promise that when anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there. For that, I am responsible.
[01:00:02]
And I think 20 years later, here in Montreal, we can all renew that promise. Bill Wilson said this fellowship will be around as long as God has a use for it. As long as we use it, there will be a need for it. Would you please stand and join me in repeating the Lord's Prayer? Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen. I was in the other panel there listening to Luke. And I told the guys, look, they don't have anything else to do. 1130 is the day, and 1130 is 10 o'clock in the morning. No, they've got to go on and on, really. They've got to walk out of there, too. Thank you, dear. Oh, thank you.
Thank you. How are you doing, Mr. Harwell? Oh, thank you. Oh, nice to meet you. Oh, thank you. You're a panel? Panel 35. There he is. Well, I'm glad we got who we both got here. Yeah, that was great. Oh, thank you. Well, all we want to hear from you is just a little bit about who you are. But you've got to be honest. You've got to be honest about who you are. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.