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Source: 1975 Denver International Convention – 1975 Denver Int Conv Alkathon AA with Stan W, Barbara R, Lyla B, JackieS and Lois J Part 1 of 2.mp3 File: 1975-denver-international-convention-1975-denver-int-conv-alkathon-aa-with-stan-w-barbara-r-lyla-b-jackies-and-lois-j-part-1-of-2.mp3 Duration: 00:54:04
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And there's just some trouble with the mic. I want to know, you in the back row, if you can hear me, if you can, hold up your hands. You really got a problem. This is the time and place for the Pacific Region Aquathon, in connection with the 40th Anniversary Convention of Alcoholics Anonymous. We will open the meeting, well first I want to put a, I want to say something about a rumor that I've heard.
If you've heard that there's 250,000 people here, that's not true, it just seemed like that last night. We'll open this meeting in the usual manner, with a moment of silence, which I would like dedicated to Dr. Bob and Bill, and for all the AA recoveries in the last 40 years. And we will follow that with a serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to access the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am Stan Roseley, the trustee from the Pacific Region. I'd like to conduct this meeting more or less as a meeting in my area, the San Francisco Bay area has conducted, and actually most of the meetings in California. Now you'll notice I've got all girls up here. You know I didn't go to school to eat my lunch. As a matter of fact, when I had the unfortunate, or maybe fortunate, situation of having been quite ill this last winter, and when I sent in the names of my speakers, incidentally this Alcatraz are the one place where the leader has the right to choose his own speakers, and I probably screwed it up so they'll never let him do that again.
But anyway, when I sent in the names of my four speakers, Betty in the office said, Stan must be getting well. One reason I have four women because the figures that were released from the 1974 survey by Dr. Jack in San Francisco last December pointed out that in the Pacific Region the percentage of women in Alcoholics Anonymous is higher than any other region in the United States or Canada. This has been referred to as Stan Wilson and his all-girl Alcatraz.
It has also been called the H.O.W.L. of the program, but I'll go into that later. Incidentally, I'm supposed to read something here. I almost forgot what I'll do right now. It's the anonymity tradition. There may be some who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. If so, we respectfully ask that no A.A. speaker or member be identified by full name or picture in published or broadcast reports of our meetings.
The assurance of anonymity is essential to our efforts to help other alcoholics, and our tradition of anonymity reminds us that A.A. principles come before personalities. And another thing, they don't have it down here, but you're not supposed to take any pictures. And I can understand the reason for that. Because if you've been over in Kernighan Hall and seen those spigots where you get coffee, that's really obscene.
And if you took a picture of somebody getting coffee out of one of those spigots, I think it would be rated X as far as that goes. And incidentally, I'm wearing buttons. You'll see a lot of people with blue buttons on them. Now this is our 50th State of Hawaii is bucking for the 50th anniversary in 1985. Now I have offered to pay $100,000 for the coffee concession, but they haven't agreed to me yet because they expect to get more from somebody else.
We open usually with a definition of Alcoholics Anonymous as it appears in the grapevine. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help other alcoholics to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
[00:05:02]
There are no restrictions on alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution. Does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
Normally we read a portion of Chapter 5, how it works. We're not going to do that today. It takes too long to read it, frankly. Now if you had asked me after I'd been around here for a year, I could have told you exactly how this program works. I don't know now. I think the only answer that could give is one that I heard from an old time member of Dave's many years ago when he was asked, he was asked, how does A.A. work?
And the answer was, fine, it works just fine, thank you. And I think that's about as good an answer you can give to anyone. And then I heard the other night that there was somebody, stopped somebody on the street and asked one of the members wearing a badge if A.A. really worked. And he says, lady, he says, the people of Denver better hope with doubt. And then we read the traditions, which we're not going to do either here.
And then I'm supposed to qualify myself, briefly I have here. And this program does work, believe me, it's worked for me for now for approximately two hours, eight days, 12 months and 24 years. Now, it may not impress you, but it impresses the hell out of me, believe me. And I've done it one day at a time. So it does work. The only thing I can say is I didn't have no problem with booze. I'm not going back to my early days.
But anyone who will leave work at a quarter to five at night with the intentions of having one martini and then going home to dinner, finds himself around eight o'clock at night with 50 bucks in his pocket, which he didn't have any money at all to start out with, and ends up in an $18 room at the Paramount Hotel on Nob Hill in San Francisco. And $18 in those days was a pretty classy room. And ends up the next morning with drunk tag.
He's got a problem. There's no question about that. It is progressive. I can vouch for that. And if anybody wants to talk to me after the meeting, I think I can severely convince them that I had a problem with booze. And I think it wasn't until I got honest with myself for the first time in my life that I had a sincere desire to stop drinking. And actually, alcohol has been no problem to me since that time.
And this program is full of paradoxes because we find out that we really don't win until we completely surrender. And it's wonderful. And I got active in AA. And incidentally, all of my girls up here today are very active in service. And I think when you do get active in AA, that you get a heck of a lot more out of the program. Don't think there's any question about that at all. And it has taught me to roll with the punches.
I live this program to the best of my ability each day that I live. And I certainly believe that I have power because some of you know I had a very serious illness last winter. As a matter of fact, on October the 11th last year, I was headed for the San Diego Convention, Southern California Convention of San Diego. I had a 12 o'clock reservation on a plane. At 12 o'clock, I was in the hospital. And four months, 87 units of blood, and $80,000 later, I came out of the hospital.
And so there is, I certainly would believe that I have power. And you can always tell an alcoholic, you know, because the guy that stops bragging about how much he had to drink last night and starts lying about how little he had to drink last night, he's got a problem. And I came out here and they told me I had to make amends. And I tried to make amends wherever possible.
[00:10:02]
Just as I told you about my night at the Fairmont Hotel, I do remember vaguely being pushed in a paddy wagon that night and I kicked hell out of the guy's shins that was loading me in the paddy wagon. Now, I didn't go back and try to find that cop and make amends to him because I didn't think it would be very wise. And that's one of the hazards of his job anyway, that he has to face things like that.
And another thing you can tell an alcoholic, when you see somebody that sees a bottle sitting on a shelf that's the liquor is about midway in the bottle, the alcoholic will invariably say it's half-full. The non-alcoholic will say it's half-full. And that's the way it goes on. Well, I'm not going to take any more time. As I say, if you have any doubts of my belonging here, talk to me after the meeting and I'm sure I can spur you away on that.
It's with a great deal of pleasure now that I introduce my first speaker, Barbara Robinson from Burbank, California. Barbara. Thank you, Sam. Hi, everybody. My name is Barbara Robinson and I'm a very grateful, happy alcoholic. I had 23 years of drinking and I had my first drink at the age of 15. Then I went through three years of nurse's training and I graduated and I got married and I went to New York City.
And between the years of 1954 and 1962, I can look back today and I can see so readily the progression of the disease of alcoholism in me that I could not see at that time. And I can assure you that being in the medical profession will not help me see it any earlier. I left New York in 1962 and I went back to Chicago, which was my hometown. And by this time, the disease had progressed severely in me and I was not aware of it.
And when I got back to Chicago, I took a job in private duty nursing. And I can tell you from inventories today why I took this kind of a job. Because I could work when I wanted to work, where I wanted to work, and how I wanted to work. And at this time, when this particular incident happened, I was probably dry for an approximate three-month period. And I can tell you very quickly why I was dry, because it was a necessity for me to be, because it was now a necessity for me to work.
And I was working nights and I went on duty that night at 11 o'clock on a Saturday and the patient told me that that would be the last night that he would need me. And at 5 o'clock that morning, I began shaking apart because I had such a compulsion and such an obsession for a drink. And I left that hospital at 7 a.m. I headed for the first liquor store that I could find open. And I bought three quarts of booze and I went home.
I had a few shots, I called the registry, told them I was through with the case. I needed a few days off and I would call them when I wanted to return. I can assure you I got the few days off. This was my first true alcoholic blackout because from that Sunday at noon until the following Friday night at 8 o'clock, I remember absolutely nothing. I cannot even piece it together. I do not remember anything until the phone rang at 8 o'clock on that Friday evening and it was a man from Alcoholics Amongst.
Now this is a miracle in itself because up to this point, no one had told me I had a drinking problem. I can assure you I didn't think I had. And if anyone had asked me what AA was, I couldn't have told them. Nevertheless, I had to have made that call. And while I said yes to this man when he called me and said, if I come out, will you let me in? I can't answer that either. And when he got out to the house, there were a bunch of slips right on the desk by the door.
I had called up all week for the booze. And when he went through them and asked me what I had bought and when I had bought it, it told him that I had gone through 15 quarts of whiskey in five days' time without any food. He was far wiser than I. He knew the dangers of the withdrawal. I did not. He wanted to paper me off, and I said no, and I came off of the cold, off home with the help of AA people.
And this is where I first came about. Alcoholics Anonymous was in Chicago, Illinois. And my sponsor is here at this meeting today. And my sponsor is here at this meeting today, and I'm so very, very grateful, because this is, this, I feel, is where I really got the base.
[00:15:07]
Four days later, I went into the late D.P.'s, and I got through this with the help of A.A. people. And I went to meetings, and I sat in meetings, and I read the book, and I thought I was doing everything that I was asked to do. And nearing the end of two years, I had an auto accident on the way to a meeting one night, and I tore the ligaments in my left leg, and I was home in bed. And the doctor that was called knew that I was on A.A., knew that I was an alcoholic, and he prescribed a tablet called Dargan, which, in a medical book, will tell you this is not habit forming.
And I can stand here and tell you today that this was one of the most habit forming, one of the most treacherous things I could have ever taken. And I can tell you very simply that I never took tranquilizers, I never mixed the pills in the booze, and I can tell you real fast why, because I didn't think of it. And that's the only reason. And I am grateful today that I didn't think of it, that I didn't know then what I know now.
I slowly at this time got away from A.A. meetings, I got away from A.A. contact, and I came out to Los Angeles in 1964. And up to this time, I had heard people stand at the podium, and I had heard them say that they had been arrested, that they had been in hospital, and that they had been in institutions. And I sat very nicely out there, and I would say to myself, but this hasn't happened to me, and once more, it isn't ever going to happen.
What would I do or could do that I would ever land in jail? Let me tell you, when I hit Los Angeles, it wasn't difficult. It was probably one of the easiest things I had ever accomplished. Because I was out here a total of ten months, and I had lost three jobs, I had been arrested three times, and I was placed on three years straight probation. And every single bit of this was due to alcohol. I tried many, many times to come back to this program, and it took me five years.
And in 1967, I met a man who was also trying to come back to the program. And all of the people who were working with me said to me at this time, Barbara, don't do it. He's been around a long time, and he hasn't made it yet. And all of Jim's friends said to him, Jim, don't do it. She's been around a long time, and she hasn't made it either. And we did exactly what they told us to do. We got married.
And let me tell you, if you have never lived your drink for an alcoholic spouse, don't try it. That is something else. Because I had to drink for the first eight months, and he drank for the first six. And eight days after we were married, I had to pick up that drink. And this was in 1967, and to find out the progression of this disease in me, I remember taking one drink of vodka. My husband tells me there was not more than two ounces taken out of that bottle.
I remember absolutely nothing. I got into the car in the Hollywood area, got out onto the Pomona Freeway. I hit a utility pole and was thrown out onto the freeway. I hit a utility pole and was thrown out onto the freeway. And I woke up two days later in the intensive care ward of Watt Memorial Hospital with a tracheotomy in my throat, multiple fractures of the jaw, and internal injuries. I am grateful today it was a utility pole I hit and not a car full of new and deans, because I am quite sure they would have all been killed.
And I made in that hospital, and I bargained once again. God, just get me out of this one, and I'll never, never take another drink. And how many hundreds and thousands of times had I said this? And I got out of that hospital after so many days, and I came home. And I came home with all the self-centeredness and all the resentments, and I rolled this all up into a nice blanket of self-pity, and there I sat under it.
And it was inevitable with this kind of a lousy, rotten attitude that there was only one way I had to go, and that was to once again drink. And it started sometime in May and ended sometime before the 5th of June of that year. And on the fourth day of coming off of this, I had pre-alcoholic convulsions.
[00:20:02]
And this had never happened before. And when my husband told me what had happened, it scared me. And it scared me so bad that I think I waited about six hours before I had another drink. And I argued with the word insanity when I came to this program. And if this isn't insanity, then I do not know the meaning of the word. And I had to go on two more drunks after this. And I had my last drink on the 29th of August of 1968.
And we had a woman living with us at this time who was also trying to come back to the program. And we had three women that lived out in the Long Beach, Norwalk area. And these women would always talk to us whether we were drunk or sober. We could always call them. And somehow, some way, they said that they knew that we would eventually make the program. They had far more insight than I did. And I had called Marsha probably three times that month of August preceding the 29th.
And three times I had said to her, Marsha, I'm ready. I'll go to the women's transcript house in Bell Falls. And three times Marsha came from Norwalk to Los Angeles. And when she got to Los Angeles, Barbara wasn't quite ready to go. And I called her on this morning. And I said these same words. I said, I'm really mean it. I'm ready to go. And she said to me over the phone, thank God. Here is the phone number.
You make the call. And when you get there, if you get there, I'll stop by and see you. And she hung up. Now, I want to tell you I was hurt. I got off that phone and I had to have another drink to calm myself down. And I looked at Peggy and I said, that's these AA people. They tell you when you're ready, just call. We'll come. And then I had another couple of drinks while I looked at Peggy. And I said, by God, I'll show her.
I'll call that house. And once more I'll go to that house. And this is exactly what I did. And this is where I found my sobriety this time. Because I stayed in that house for 11 days. And I feel that I got exactly what I needed when I was ready. And I feel very strongly about this today. That we all get exactly what we need when we need it and are ready for it. And I shall always be grateful for this woman saying exactly those words to me.
And when I went out to that house, I prayed for the first time in my life for God's will instead of my own. And it was when I did this that I began to get some answers. Because I very rapidly discovered that what I had done for the length of time that I had been around AA was just that in meetings. But there was one big area that I had never attempted to do anything about. And that was me. And slowly, one day at a time, I know I've got a long ways to go, but I also know that I've got the rest of my life one day at a time in order to do it.
I've got a lot of character defects left. But slowly, one day at a time, it's getting just a little bit better and a little bit easier. And when I came back to the program this time, the only way I can describe my life to you is that it was a jigsaw puzzle. And I'm sure that I didn't know how to begin to place it back in any of the assemblance of order. And through Alcoholics Anonymous, I think the first piece that I got was the understanding.
And through the understanding came the hope. And through the hope came the determination. And through the determination came the sobriety. And through the sobriety came the love, the unselfishness, and the faith. And with all of these pieces in place, the whole picture seems to make some sense to me today.
[00:25:03]
I am proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am very proud of it. For me today, I have to put my sobriety first. It has to come before my job. It has to come before my husband, my home, or anything else. Because if I lose my sobriety, then I lose all of these things right along with me. I am also grateful today that all of my favorite excuses have been removed. People, places, and things used to be my favorites.
And I thank God today that they have been removed. Because I know today that if I was to pick up one ounce of alcohol right now, that I picked it up purely and simply because I want that drink more than what I have today, and for no other reason. For no other reason. When I came back this time, action to me was the magic word. I had to get into Alcoholics Anonymous. I had to be a part of this program.
Because I feel very sincerely that if I was to live to be 150, that I could never begin to put back what I have gotten out of this. How can you thank somebody or something for your very life? And that's exactly what I have gotten. I am not going to stand here and attempt to tell any of you that since I came back to AA in 1968, that all my days have been beautiful, happy days, and that I've had no problems because this would not be true.
But I will say very truthfully to you that since I have been back, as far as I'm concerned, I have not had a bad day. Because the mere fact that I am sober, it has got to be a good day. That's a miracle in itself. I have probably had more problems than what I have ever had, but through the help of God, you people, and this program, I have been able to stand one day at a time on my own two feet and face these problems.
I feel, as I said before, that I am going to get exactly out of this program what I want to put into it. I try to do as much trial-and-error work as I can. I have had the privilege for the last four years of working in the L.A. Central Office as a volunteer. I have been on the Board of Directors at Cunley Health, which is a women's rehabilitation home in Los Angeles, for the past four years. I'm a GSR, and I have been with the Institutional Committee for the last four years.
And I can't begin to tell you how all of these activities in Alcoa, Sonoma, have helped me. And as a man who has many years of survival, that I have been very, very close to since I've been on the program, says that if you take care of the number one problem, everything else will fall into place, and everything else will take care of itself. And this has proved to be so very true in these past almost seven years.
I am going to close today with a prayer that I heard seven years ago, almost eight years ago, on this program. And I use this prayer every night when I'm going to bed. And I'm thanking God for my sobriety for that day and asking for help for the next. Thank you, God, for what you have given me. Thank you, God, for what you have taken away. And thank you, God, for what you have left me. I'd like to take this opportunity.
This has been one of the greatest privileges that I have ever had in Alcoa, Sonoma, to be able to be here today. I'd like to thank Stan so very much for asking me to participate. I feel, as I said before, that I'm going to get exactly out of this. As I said before, that I'm going to get exactly out of this program what I want to put into it.
[00:30:00]
I try to do as much twelve-step work as I can. I have had the privilege for the last four years of working in the L.A. Central Office as a volunteer. I have been on the Board of Directors at Friendly Health, which is a women's rehabilitation home in Los Angeles for the past four years. I'm a GSR, and I have been with the Institutional Committee for the last four years. And I can't begin to tell you how all of these activities in Alcoholics Anonymous have helped me.
And as a man who has many years of sobriety, that I have been very, very close to since I've been on the program, says that if you take care of the number one problem, everything else will fall into place, and everything else will take care of itself. And this has proved to be so very true in these past almost seven years. I am going to close today with a prayer that I heard seven years ago, almost eight years ago, on this program.
And I use this prayer every night when I'm going to bed. And I'm thanking God for my sobriety for that day and asking for help for the next. Thank you, God, for what you have given me. Thank you, God, for what you have taken away. And thank you, God, for what you have left me. I'd like to take this opportunity. This has been one of the greatest privileges that I have ever had in Alcoholics Anonymous to be able to be here today.
I'd like to thank Sam so very much for asking me to participate. And I would like to thank all of you in Alcoholics Anonymous for allowing me this privilege. Thank you very much, and may God bless. Thank you, Barbara. You know, I mentioned, I think the idea came out of Texas originally. You know, this minutes and seconds and hours and months and years you've been sober. I understand it came out of Texas originally.
And there was this guy at a meeting one time, down in Texas, I believe, as I understand it. They got up and he said, through the grace of God and Alcoholics Anonymous, it has not been necessary for me to take a sedative, a pill, or alcohol of any kind for so many seconds, so many hours, so many days, so many months, so many years. Little guy in the back of the room says, that's a damn lie. He says, you were at Joe's bar last Saturday night and you were boiled.
And he says, yes, but it wasn't necessary. You know, this is really wonderful. And it reminds me of a story, too. I like to tell stories. You know, I think one of the greatest things I got when I came to AA was the ability to laugh again and to laugh at myself, too. But this is a story I say, this is really wonderful, and I think it is. It reminds me of the story of Pat and Mike and Timothy. These three Irishmen used to drink up a storm when they went out and they had a ball every night.
They really were luscious. And then one night as they came out of a bar late, Timothy slipped off of the curb, fell in the street, and was run over by a bus and killed. The next day, Pat and Mike went to the morgue to see Timothy laid out there. And they walked up to the casket and Mike says, oh, it's wonderful. It's wonderful. And Pat says, what do you mean it's wonderful? Poor Timothy lay in there dead.
He says, yes, but it's wonderful. How much better he looks since he stopped drinking. You got to take that one over. I don't guarantee him. I just tell him. That's all that goes on. My next speaker, I went up clear up to Alaska to get. Now, I met Lila last September when I happened to be in Fairbanks at their convention. And Lila from Anchorage, Alaska, is my next speaker. Lila.
[00:35:00]
Thank you, Stan. I'm Lila, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm scared. I feel about as small, I think, as I've ever felt, and yet so big to be a part of something so big. You know, it all began a long time ago when I needed approval. And I don't know just how old I was, but I suppose I was a little bit beneath five. I needed approval desperately. And I would go to any lengths to get it. First of all, my name is Lila.
My father's name is Lyle. And I wish to be a boy. And when I was 13 years old, I felt some terrible rejection when my father told me that I had to finish put a shirt on because, you see, up till then I had run around in shorts or jeans with no top. And my whole life patterned that way. I wanted approval. I wanted to be like my father, who I adored so much. And yet here I was, and I was a girl. And so I set out to get that approval, and I did good.
I went to school, and I became a teacher. And I did all the good things, and I learned how to say all the right things and use all the big words and smile at the right times. And the parents used to, after a PTA meeting or something, they'd come to me and they'd say, I don't know how you do it. It would drive me to drink. And I'd just stand back and say, nothing to it. And the most peculiar thing about my teaching career was that it was a beautiful career, and it was beautiful because I got asked for God's help.
You see, I always took God with me in the classroom. I always said, help me to help these little people. But I'd leave my classroom, and I'd go home to my lovely home, and I never took him in with me. I never asked him when I walked into my house. Please help me in my house. I had two lives. One was together and one was not. And maybe that's why I had such a terrible hard time realizing and accepting that I was truly, indeed, an alcoholic.
I did a lot of drinking on weekends. Come Friday night, I would begin. On Saturday night, there were times I couldn't remember everything. I would call up people after a party on Sunday morning, and I would say, that was a crazy party last night, wasn't it? And I was hoping for them to tell me if I'd made a fool of myself or not because I really didn't remember. And it became a maze of trying to find out if people approved of me and if they didn't, what I had done, so that I could make up some kind of a tale to cover it up.
I was married two times. My second marriage lasted 10 years. I taught for 15 years, and it was my very life. When my husband walked out, a part of me still thought, because, you see, I was one of those people who were very, very sick emotionally, extremely dependent on other human beings. I had never learned to stand on my own two feet emotionally. I was busy at school writing reports on children maturing and this child is immature, and I had never thought of myself as somebody that was immature.
And there I was. I realized I felt like a five-year-old again, and I was all alone. And I took in a boarder, a young college boy whose study was 23, who was only 19, but the licensed study was 23. We were both teachers, my ex-husband and I. And I allowed this boy to live in our extra room. I was doing my usual thing, being kind. My motives weren't so good, but I thought they were at the time. It wasn't long until I got a notice from the superintendent in the school district where I had received high awards for being an outstanding educator two years in a row, of 55 schools, and here was this notice that I had been contributing.
And something happened inside me. Like, wow. I was so straight and so square, I wouldn't have even hardly known what it meant. And from then it got from bad to worse. I took a medical resignation because I didn't wish to give up my teaching career entirely.
[00:40:03]
I was too scared to fight it. And then it all began. On the day of my divorce, I came home from the trial, and I drank a half a glass of brandy, and I went to bed. And I woke up surrounded by eight white helmets. Someone had told someone that I was involved with dope, and I didn't know what that was either. And they proceeded to tear my house apart. My mother told me when I was quite young that if I was ever really frightened to call the police.
Well, they were the police. Then she said, if you can't call the police, kick them between the legs and run. Well, I got three of them. And it was so terrifying, I will never forget it. They strapped me down in a straight jacket. And there I was, Mrs. Smart, you know, in a lovely house. Yeah, wow. And they took me out my front door with my two Siamese cats screaming behind and put me in a little wagon thing and took me to a place called Highland Hospital in Oakland because that's where I lived at that time in Fremont.
And I didn't know where I was or what on earth was happening, and I kept saying, I must be in Russia. And they did think I was crazy. I was out of there in 24 hours, and things got much worse. The following year, I lived off my retirement, and I drank, and I drank, and I drank. I didn't go out my door. I went out to my swimming pool and fell in daily. I did strange things alone. I lived alone, and I know that loneliness.
That is so deep. I know about that. And I didn't think there was anything else. I really didn't think there was anything else. I didn't want to live, and I didn't know how to die. And I took a trip to Alaska, and I visited a brother in Kodiak. And when I was in Kodiak, people started saying, you're an alcoholic. Me, an alcoholic? I couldn't be. Why, I can go all week and go to work, and it doesn't bother me a bit.
Why, sometimes I get a little bit high. Once in a while, you know, I don't remember because there's heavy drinking. And I went, and I made an appointment to see my first husband that I hadn't seen for 10 years. And I met him at the Kodiak Inn, and I had one drink of brandy. And I don't remember anything for three days. That was the part of my disease that was the thing that helped me to be aware that I was an alcoholic.
Because these things had never happened before, and I hadn't had anything to drink for about three weeks. You know, and if it were true that I was an alcoholic, well, everything was just blown apart. And our state delegate, bless her heart, came to see me at my brother's home. And I said, get her out of here. I don't have to associate with people like that. I come from better stock. Yeah. And I got on a plane, and I put myself in Alaska Psychiatric Institute.
You see, I was one of those people that got crazy before they got the other part. And I was willing to go to any length to prove that I wasn't an alcoholic. I had a caseload in my mind. I was taking a course at the time. And I ended up sleeping next to these same people. And I had this memory, and I could point to each person and remember their whole case study. And, of course, I didn't get well. I played doctor, counselor, you name it.
And I never looked at me. And they gave up on me. And I continued to say, alcohol? For heaven's sakes, no. I never had much trouble with that. You see, I really did want to drink again. And Alcoholics Anonymous had a meeting at Alaska Psychiatric Institute. And I finally was coerced into going. And, you know, I walked in there and I heard people use some languages I wasn't used to. And the first thing I said was, well, I don't have to take this.
I don't have to listen to all this negative. I don't have to. I'll just get sicker. I don't have to, I'll just get sicker, you know, but I went to another one, and as God would have it, I heard someone, and I heard it's good, I heard about the loneliness, I heard about wanting to be approved of, and oh dear God, don't leave me alone, I heard about those things, and you know, I was sitting in a strange town, Anchorage, Alaska, that was four and a half years ago, and I didn't know Saul,
[00:45:22]
no one came to see me, and my family had turned their backs on me, and someone reached out a hand and said, hey, how about going to a meeting, and the first meeting I went to, I didn't go to find somebody, I went to find a man, you know, this is what really happened, I wasn't able to share that for about a year, I went to find somebody I could lean on, because I hadn't found a God to lean on at that time, I thought maybe if I could find somebody to lean on, maybe I could drink just a little bit more, and have the flu just a little bit more, you know, I really did think that maybe there was a possibility I could drink again, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that anything that ever happened to me that was tragic or traumatic, I had been drinking before, during, or after it, and most of the time it was after it, something really would happen, and then I'd do it, and this is one of the things that kept me from accepting my alcoholism, because these things, I'd say, well, these things happened to me, a lot of traumatic things did happen to me, you know, and so I had to drink, and this is why I couldn't accept it at first, except that in my search for a new husband, I didn't have much success, and I began finding something, because I remember one night coming home, and it was late at night, and I was very lonely, and I'd been sober about nine months, and I remember lying there in bed and saying, oh, God, what's it all about, you see, I was not a God, I was married into a Lutheran family, I never missed church, but God up there, what's it all about, and I found myself on my knees beside my bed, and I was embarrassed, and I looked around, like there might be somebody there, and I asked for forgiveness, I really didn't know exactly which things I was asking for, but please forgive me and relieve me of this bondage, I don't know where I am or who I am, but I need help, and something happened to me, and I felt like I was surrounded, and I wasn't alone, and it was very exciting, and it lasted about 20 minutes, and I didn't want it to go, but it went, and I got up from there, and I wanted to go and call my mother, and I thought, well, look, she wouldn't understand, I wanted to call somebody, I didn't know who to call, and so I just sat down and smiled, I sat there the whole night and didn't go to sleep, and that was the beginning of a touch of something for me, hope, and since then it's easier to get that back, since then it's been easier because I know how to ask, and each day on this program, whenever I'm hurting and whenever I'm uncomfortable, I know that there's something that I'm not doing, I know that it's something that I've done to myself, a position I've placed myself in, and when I go around judging other people, this is one of my terrible water loons, I love to judge people, and I get in all kinds of trouble for it, superiority, you know, I go on an ego trip, and then I get sick and uncomfortable and miserable, and I'm pointing the finger and I say, hey, believe me on this, please clear my channel, please clear my channel and help me to feel your presence, and that's sort of what happened when I met Stan, I was so lonely, and I felt really much alone, and no one had really meant to do this to me, but I was alone, and we were at our state conference in Fairbanks, and I was sitting over in the corner and I was feeling an awful lot like I used to, alone, and I said my little thing to my friend, he's not up there anymore, he's down here and he's a part of me, and I said, hey, help me feel your presence, I need to feel you around me, and this guy walks up and begins to talk to me, and it was a beautiful thing, this whole program has been things that have happened that I know apart, greater than myself, had something to do with, I'm sure of that today, this is the greatest event of my life, and every day seems to be a great event, it's a great event for me, if it isn't for anyone else, it doesn't matter,
[00:50:21]
it's said that great events shall come to pass, and this truly has happened to me, I had a lot of things that I came up here buzzing through my mind to say, and I wrote seven words down on a piece of paper because I thought I might need them, I don't even know what they mean when I look at them here, I guess I don't need to say them, I have a little poem that I wrote when I was having surgery about two years ago, and I don't remember writing it, I was a pretty sick person for two or three weeks, I vaguely remember parts of it, it fell out of an AA packet when I was packing to come, and I thought, I wonder why it fell out now, and maybe I'm supposed to take it with me, and this morning I noticed it again in my suitcase, and I thought, well gee, I wonder if I dare read this as a part of me, and I would like to read it, I think something that I would like to say here is that I know I have so much to go, so far to go, this is just kind of a beginning of where I was two years ago, and where I hope to maybe always be, who am I, where am I, which do I go, my trip through awareness has been painfully slow, my largest of failings, the one labeled pride, was my true block to progress, I'll set that aside, I'll work on that later and keep sober today, after all, if I'm sober, just what can they say, my self-righteous smugness, this image I sought, self-justification took continuous thought, our old ancient enemy, rationalization stepped in and justified conduct, which was really a sin, the big book has told us we had to run shows, well I ran mine poorly and I stepped on those toes, I was caught in the corner and I couldn't get free, till I looked in my heart and I saw the real me, not the image I'd lived with, all those good things I'd done, but the child that God put there, I surrendered and won, when I finally knew way deep in my heart that God really loved me and he had from the start, who am I, where am I, whence do I go, I'm following our principles the best that I know, now the bondage of self has been loosening its hold, the basic ingredients long ago I've been told was a simple desire to reach out my hand, to seek of his will that he'd understand, to each time surrender and go hang that pride, stick with the principles and let God inside, let him be the driver, you take the back seat, pass on through to freedom and you win through defeat, thank you for being here, thank you for giving me the opportunity to look at so many faces and to be able to see my God through you, that good part that shows to me.
Thank you.