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Source: sandy_h._-_rio_rancho_nm_6-8-13.mp3 File: sandyh-rioranchonm6-8-13.mp3 Duration: 01:01:11

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Good morning, everybody. My name is Sandy Hickox. I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is November 14th, 1983. Thinking Straight and Bernalillo, New Mexico is my home group and I am grateful to be here. I'm trying to breathe. I mean behind Susan, my God. I'm going to tell you. I got to tell you a story. Last time we were together, you know, she was telling me that she sponsored a girl that recently moved in my area because I'm whining to her about how they don't do it right where I moved, right? And she said, I got a girl just moved there. She's having a heck of a time. You need to hook up. I said, well, what's her name? You know, because I'm getting around, not like I used to, but I get around. And she was telling me this girl and she said, her name's Debra and she just got married and you know, I can't, you know how it is. I can't remember her last name. And I said, and I called Debra's last name and she said, yeah, that's her. I said, well, she just recently asked me to sponsor her, you know? So me and Susan got on the phone and we called Debra and it's an honor to have that kind of reputation in AA where Susan would even want me to sponsor somebody that she knows. You know what I mean? That level, that level, that length and depth, you know, that means that I've showed up and I've showed out here too. And I walked through it and made amends, you know, cleaned it up. And y'all gonna find out about some of that, you know, this morning. I don't, you know, when I, when I got up here, everything went to moving and I didn't know whether it was me or the podium or my heels or what, you know, but when it settles down, I'm going to be all right. I'm scared to touch something because it'll go to vibrate and you know, and you know, I didn't come here for this.

You know, I come here to get out of trouble. I come here trying not to go to prison because you know, it's hard to explain them, them cops that, that what they find in them bags is what I did when I drank too much all day, you know, to help me stay up all night and then what, what that other bag that they found, it was what I did when I drank all, you know, stayed up all day, drank all night, had to work all day and then took something to help me stay up all night to work so I could go to sleep on like about third day. You know, they had it possession with intent to distribute, you know, what's up with that? You know, I come to one morning and the cops, you know, were outside my door, which wasn't a bad thing because they were always visiting our neighborhood, but they were always looking for my neighbor, you know, and I just opened the door and I was trying to point to him cause they got the house numbers mixed up a lot and, and they, they shoved me down in a, in a chair and went through my house like you see them do on TV and they found what they were looking for and I knew I couldn't go to jail looking like I was looking. So I just slipped out the back door cause my pants was on the line. Well, when cops are busy and they wait and then they look around and you're gone, they don't like that. They come chasing you with guns drawn. You know, they think you're running and I wasn't running. I just knew I couldn't go to jail looking like I was looking. And they took me to jail. Now that wasn't the first time I'd ever been in jail. I mean, I, you know, it's done got hot. Oh, thank you. Um, you know, I, I, I went to jail and like I said, that was, wasn't the first time I've been to jail and thank God today has been the last far so, you know, last time so far. I think I just caught a bug.

Only in a, so I go to jail and I, I can't call him cause she might be home and you know, she gets pissed when I call and he, she's on and then he can't come out and play no more. But I could, I could, I didn't know anybody come get me out of jail and uh, and I knew I was fixing to lose my job. And at that time in my life, my job was who I was, you know, uh, I was one of the first six women hired by the railroad, you know, kind of equal rights and you know, all that kind of stuff. And I, I had worked real hard trying to prove that I could work like them and drink like them and keep my mouth shut like them, you know, and um, and I was fixing to lose all that and uh, and I was scared. Well finally after about that third day, I got the deputy sheriff to call him in case she was home and he come and got me out and uh, I didn't go home, take a shower and none of that kind

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of stuff. I went straight to the bar and see if I was missed. And you know what I was, they wanted to know where I've been. They had heard about my dilemma, you know, and they were, you know, you can drink a lot of free drinks coming out of jail, especially if you're looking at going to prison and um, you know, and, and, and I'm scared cause you know, for, I, I've always been able to kind of talk my way out, wiggle my way out, calm my way out of all this stuff and now I'm in a dilemma and I can't do that. And this was back before getting busted was fashionable and you done some serious prison time for that. And um, and I had this guy come knocking on my door after I got home and stuff and you know, he's one of these guys that we used to drink a lot together. We would party and oh my gosh, he, he drank like I did, you know, and he never said nothing about the amount I drank and we just had a good time. But he had been off somewhere and he come back talking and have sentences and we didn't mess with him much because he didn't make no sense.

You know, he and he, here he is at my door. We say, Oh, come and have a drink with us. He said, Oh, I'm not drinking one day at a time. Okay, well we'll see you tomorrow. You know, and we just take on off. And here he was, I mean, but he was always, you know, we would, we would be on a train and something happened. He's all just let go and let God let go and let God do what he ain't go get this train back up on the rail. You know, just stupid stuff like that. We just did. He was weird and he, and he, he was just weird and, and we didn't, we didn't hang around with him much. Well, here he is at my door.

I'm going, Oh great. You know, here he is, you know, and I don't understand half sentences and he's not drinking. So, you know, he just, but I'm nice. So I opened the door and I let him in and he said, I know how to get your job back. I said, well, sign me up. He signed me up for treatment. I think I've been living under a rock because I didn't know about treatment. And uh, and then we had these, then I had these two old guys, these two old railroad men come and tell me all kinds of dirty nasty little things they'd done. I'm going, dude, you need to keep that in your grave somewhere. I mean, I do not need to know that. What I know today is they were trying to 12 step me back then. I just thought they were being those dirty old men, you know, trying to press this young hot thing. Right. And uh, I didn't know you could go to treatment messed up. So I'm sitting, I'm sitting on the stoops.

I got my dress jeans pressed. I got my little paper, my piggy wiggly bag sack, I mean pack and I'm sitting on the stoops waiting on the bus and here they come. You know, it's just that one of them dirty old railroad men, he had been sober probably about two years. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was lying. You know, they get senile after a certain age and so I thought he was just crazy. Him and his Al-Anon wife come to take me to treatment.

So so I'm in the car and we got like probably three hour drive, four hour drive and we get going to treatment and this Al-Anon starts telling me about not drinking. You know what treatment's about and how sobriety is so wonderful and all this kind of stuff. And I'm thinking to myself, I have overreacted, you know, cause I am not going to not drink. I mean, I'm in a little bit of trouble. I'm going to get my job back. I'm going to cruise on, right? And this lady's talking about not drinking forever and just come go with them and all that kind of stuff. You know, look, you know, but I've, I've had couples ask me to come go with them and you know, I didn't, I didn't talk to that dirty old man. I wasn't going to go with him, you know? And so here we go off to treatment and I am scared. You know, I know I've been overreacted, but I can do anything for about six weeks, four weeks if you're good and six weeks if you're a lot of trouble. So I said, well, four, six weeks max. I mean, I can do that cause I've been married one time, you know, through like a bag of quaaludes or something. So I had to be six weeks, you know, I don't know, but I figured I could do that. So here we go. And this AA man goes off to sign me up for treatment and I'm stuck with this Al-Anon woman and she's a little old bitty woman.

And I'm, when I got to y'all, I'm half the size I am now cause I was busy and I didn't have time to eat. So I mean I'm half the size and she had a hold to my elbow and them bones is rubbing together. And that woman was not letting go cause I'm shaking about as bad as I am up here. And she was, she, she saw scared and uh, you know, she walked me down this hall and there's double doors at the end of the hall and she just opened up the door and kind of shoved me through and closed it, which is not a big deal. But I mean, I didn't have no door handle on my side. So that was an issue. And you know, and so I got my nose plastered, get this window and you know, I know if this woman looks back cause you know, I've, I've done the little baby tears and, but when I really cry, I blow snot and my face puffs up, my turn pink and all, you know, and I'm like that up against

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that window and I know if that Al-Anon lady looks back, she's going to come get me and know we've overreacted, you know, and you know that heifer walked straight down that hall and never did look back. I hated Al-Anon. While I'm in that treatment center, they're getting you to sign up, right? And filling out paperwork or whatever. And you know, she's asking me a lot of personal questions and you know, I'm looking at going to prison.

I am not going to sign the confession here. And you know, she's asking me about what I was doing and all that kind of stuff. And you know, I was telling her enough to fill in those blanks. And she said, honey, you know, you never had to feel the way you feel inside ever again, unless you choose to. And it seemed like in my, the way I remember it and they don't make it true. It's just the way I remember it. And you know, I re I remember her telling me that and I sit there and she just left me with that. And you know, and I sit there and I thought about it. I'm like, Susan, I was born six foot tall, which is cute when you're 50 and above, but when you're seven, eight, nine and 10, you look like a retard. You know, my feet hit the door before my body ever saw it. You know, I didn't get weight in women's places. Well, I started putting it there, but I mean official, I didn't get it till I, she, I probably turned after I turned 30, you know, I started filling out and had curves, but when I drank all that appeared and when I was in school, I got that tissue and stuffed it and all that kind of stuff, trying to look like those cute little blondes and it was good until it fell out in the hall. And then they knew it was me, you know, cause you got that trail, you know, like tissue on your shoe. I remembered that.

I remember being called long and tall and that's all. Do you have to run around the shower to get wet? Sticky tongue out and turn sideways and look like a zipper. I hated it. I was always behind the tallest guy in the picture line at school, you know, and I hated it. I hated it. And everybody else was short and cute and petite and all the boys were shorter than me except that one guy. And he was, he rode the short bus, you know, and I just, I hated it. You know, we were always around the big pack of boys and mama wouldn't ever let me go out there and play with him cause I was a girl and need to act like a girl and all that kind of crap. And, uh, it was, I just hate it. I hated it. I remember always wanting to be somewhere else doing something else in somebody else's skin and somebody else's house. My mama raised four of us by herself in this little old cotton mill down in the South and we were lint heads, you know, and we were on the other side of the track and I hated that too. You know, I just, I just hated who I was. But when I drank all that went away, you know, I become a part of, I felt like you looked and, um, and this lady said, you don't ever have to feel like that again. I thought she was lying, you know, because I, I've been under many tents before. You know, I was talking to Dave last night, I mean this morning I said, you know, it's been a long time since I've been to a tent revival. Here we are. Heal.

You know, but I've been, I've been in those churches. I've been under those tents. I've been sprinkled, dipped and dunked in them creeks and baptismals and all that kind of stuff trying to get it, you know, and, and I could really relate to Heidi trying to be good, you know, cause if I was just good enough, I would feel all right. And that lady told me all I had to do was do what y'all asked me to do. So I started doing that and I done an inventory in that treatment center and found out that Al-Anon, I really didn't hate her, you know, she was really watching out for my best interests, so I forgave her. And, you know, and I got sober in a little small town and there wasn't many women, you know, staying sober in the area where I live. So that Al-Anon agreed to sponsor me when I got out. Now, some of y'all have choices. I didn't, and I was so grateful that that Al-Anon man, I mean the Al-Anon woman and that AA man took me under their wing when I got home. You know, because we suffer from a family disease and it ain't us against them. It's a we deal.

You know, and I'm forever grateful for that. Cause that woman taught me what women did in the daytime. Cause I didn't know. She taught me how to dress appropriately for where I was going. Cause I didn't know. I need to tell y'all a little story about me. When I'm in, you know, I go to the treatment center, right? And then they find out, whatever they find out, then they won't, they don't want me to go home. They want me to go to Halfway House, which is fine, but they want me to go with one with all women. Now I have issues with women cause I don't get along with them. You know, they, they want what I have and they want what I had and I just don't like none of that.

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me to go to this halfway house, and I said, you know, get my job back, I will, and so they signed me up for that, and in this halfway house, it's kind of like Canyon Conference, they have rules. Well, one of the rules they wanted me to abide by is I had to wear all my clothes. I didn't even have the clothes they wanted me to wear, you know, because if you drink like I did, they get all tangled up under the seat.

This is back when you could get stuff under the seat, and, you know, or I'd be too drunk and couldn't get everything coordinated to get it all back on, you know, I'd get tangled up in panties and fall over, and you could get a bra, who needed it anyway, toss that, you know, so I just had to quit wearing a lot of that stuff, and they were trouble, I just didn't mess with it, so now they want me to wear all that, and I don't ever want to forget, when I'm standing up here, and I think I look like all that, that it's only when I let down my pride and my ego and say, you know what, y'all, I don't know how to do this, will you help me, you know, that I can let y'all in, and that's what I did in that halfway house.

I told those girls I didn't know none of them sizes for none of that crap, so they shoved me to the dressing room and hauled underwear across the store, and they dressed me, you know, and what I found out is they was as scared as I was, and I didn't know that, you know, but that's what happens every time I say to you, I don't know, will you show me, and they didn't laugh at me. Now we laugh like the devil at the end of the week, but that day, they didn't laugh, you know, they showed me, and so, you know, I do what they ask me to do in that halfway house, and I got me this Al-Anon sponsor, and she was a protector is what she was, and here we go off to A&A, you know, and I thought the first step was get in the car, what are we doing, get in the car, where are we going, it don't matter, get in the car, it's Friday night, get in the car, you know, I got sober in a little small town, and we had one meeting a week, and we'd get in the car and drive all over southeast Georgia going to meetings, you know, and whoever had, we was a pack of ducks, we saw one, you saw all of us, and you know, we would just travel all over, I mean, we went every night, and I could not, when I come to y'all, I could not imagine that Al-Anon lady letting me by myself in the car with her husband, and go out of town, and I mean, we lived out in the country, so there's a lot of dirt roads, and I know most of them, and you know, and she never worried about him, and I didn't know that, you know, I hear in the meetings that I go to today, oh, I can't love you until I love myself, I said, that's a bunch of crap, y'all loved me until I became, that I saw that I was lovable, y'all trusted me before I was trustworthy, you know, your trust made me do things different, you know, I wouldn't have, well, I was fixing to say I wouldn't have touched that man with a ten foot pole, but at that time of my sobriety, I probably would have, but he had better sense, and that's how I got sober, I mean, I got sober where men cared more about me getting sober than getting in my pants, and I'm forever grateful for that, I had an old guy tell me that one time, and I was pissed, I was offended, you know, we had this old timer in our group, oh my God, he taught me how to pray, I would pray every week that he would have a wreck and die on the way to the meeting, he was one of these people that get in your face until you quick, you were full of it, now I was impressing him, I just got out of treatment, I knew stuff, and he started talking in half sentences, and I didn't understand him, but I sure wasn't going to let him know I didn't understand it, we would try to decipher everything he said after the meeting, and coffee and ice cream, because we wouldn't ask him to his face, we had a group conscience one time, because he was running off newcomers, so we had a group conscience without him, to try to see who could go talk to him about that, so we nominated that guy that took me to treatment, we nominated him, because I think he had four years of sobriety, he was a long timer in our meeting, so we nominated him to go talk to this guy, well he came back with his tail between his legs, and we had yet to know what that conversation was, but I tell you what, we didn't try to run him off no more, in those meetings, we would go to the meetings just to see who was going to hit him, it wasn't all love and tolerance like it is here, I mean I'd be whining about something that had me cornered up in the kitchen throwing five dollar bills in my face, go get you a bottle, you don't think you belong here, here I'll buy you your first drink, let me do that, you don't like it here, liquor will bring

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you back, here's five dollars, and they were crazy, they were crazy. I'm sitting in a meeting one day, the old guy we tried to run out of the group, I'm smoking cigarettes looking cute right, and the seventh tradition passed me, well I just passed it on by, I'm smoking cigarettes looking cute, got me a new outfit on, he picked up that pack of cigarettes and popped me right on the nose with it, in front of everybody, how much is your sobriety, you smoke these, how much is this, you put at least this much in that basket every time it passes, this ain't no free ride for freeloaders, in front of God and everybody, I wasn't looking so cute then, but I tell you what else, that basket did not pass my hand without something going in it, even if it was a quarter, it didn't matter, I made sure it hit something and made some noise, so he knew I done put something in that basket, you know. We got to go into meetings and me and this guy started talking and he asked me on an AA date, well, I got to tell you all about an AA date, some of you all newcomers, you all might not have had experience, you all probably like me done a lot of bushwhacking but didn't do no dating, I had to ask what that was too, I didn't know, so I mean they come and pick you up and where I got sober there wasn't no restaurants open after the meetings because we had our meetings at 8 o'clock, so we'd go to dinner before the meeting and then we'd go to the meeting and then he would bring me home and he would leave, I didn't see the point in no AA date, you know, you know you're up on the stoop and you don't know where to kiss or say the Lord's prayer for God's sake, I know, it didn't make no sense to me either.

So I'm aggravated and I'm in the garden with Al-Anon because that's one of the things she did, she grew a lot of, they just had a garden and we're digging potatoes and I'm slinging dirt and I ain't pissed because he ain't tried to touch nothing that wasn't his, ain't tried to grab nothing and I'm going, because I done picked up some weight, I'm wearing new clothes, I mean I'm looking cute and he ain't having nothing to do with it and I'm just, I'm slinging dirt and I'm asking this Al-Anon, what in the hell is wrong with him, you know, I mean I just don't get it, she said well honey maybe he's trying to show you some respect, I said respect, well that's when they've been with you that one night and then come back the next day, that's the kind of respect I was looking for, if y'all are not sponsoring people you are missing a lot, because that Al-Anon, I bet you she was about to bust a gut in that garden that day, because I have sponsored, I sponsored a girl one time, she said Sandy I almost had sex, I said how do you almost have sex, you know I'm thinking, only in sponsoring people will you get this, she said well I had it but I didn't enjoy it, her name was almost for a long time, I know only through sponsorship would I have that information, I had another girl I was sponsoring, she was so excited that she found out she was a genius in the nut ward, and she was proud, I said don't tell everybody that, she said she was like me, she didn't know, she was tickled about that, oh my gosh, if you're not sponsoring people you are missing out, so finally I understand about respect, and me and this guy, I do an inventory and I found out that the reason I'm an alcoholic is not because my daddy left my mama when she was pregnant with my youngest brother, I thought that was the reason, I found out that I wasn't an alcoholic because I was in real abusive relationships, I used that for a lot of different reasons, I could stay drunk a week on a good bruise, and that was my part, I didn't know that, I found out that through inventory that I don't know what God is, and I was scared, because I grew up in these tent revivals and I tried to do what they did and I didn't get it, and I thought I'd cross that line that made me unforgivable or whatever, and I was just off guard, I didn't want to be messing

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with no God, and Al-Anon started working on me with some of that stuff, and I am forever grateful their house was always open, we would go over there and drink coffee, and you never knew who was there, and it was always a lesson, and all of that kind of stuff, and we started doing the deal, and this one guy I was doing AA dating with, he asked me to marry him, and I couldn't believe it, because he knew me, he knew me, and because of the process that I had done in this program, my oldest brother was like God in the house, I always tried to please him, I always come up short, and when I made amends to him for that kind of pressure that I put on him, he walked me down the aisle, and in my drinking, I was in New Orleans, Louisiana, and I was down there selling myself on the streets, and he came down there and he found me, and he picked me up by my collar and just dropped me like a sack of taters, and after that, every time we were at a family gathering, he would look at me like I was just a pain in the glass and didn't see me, and I would always have to get drunk enough to go, but not drunk enough to where I'd go and show out, because I'd get in his face and tell him I didn't give a flying hoot what he thought, it's not true, but I'd get drunk and I'd tell him that, and because I made those amends, he'd walk me down the aisle, and I walked down the aisle, and we walked off in the sunset and burned up, that's what happened. It happens. You know, we were Mr. and Ms. A.A., we'd get out of the car and we'd hold hands, we'd walk in and meet and smile, and we were sponsoring people and all that kind of stuff, but what I found out in an inventory later on is I wasn't honest, I was trying to make that guy's God my God, and I wasn't being true to me, and one more time, I fly out on another man, I'm kind of like Tarzan going through the trees, I won't let go of a vine unless I've got a firm grip on another one, and that's what happened, you know? And I'm five years sober, and I have an affair, you know, and one more time, I'm a whore in the meetings, not that I was a whore previously, but one more time, I'm a whore in being called that to my face, but this is in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the one safe place I got to go, I can't go anymore, you know, because y'all are judging me, with right, I mean, what I did wasn't right, but you know what, what I know today is if I could have done it different, I would have done it different, and what I also know today is this is Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have another place to go, you know, and I'm going to tell you what, I learned a valuable lesson, I was able to go to the meetings of Narcotics Anonymous, and I respected that meeting when I was there, and I introduced myself properly, and they didn't know who I was, and they didn't care, but I tell you what, I couldn't come to y'all, well, I mean, you know, to the meetings, because I was judged, and you know, and at five years sober, I'm looking at it again, because drinking is not an option for me, y'all, I have proved to myself, way down deep where I live, that I'm an alcoholic, but blowing my brains out is, so I could definitely identify with you, you know, when we were sharing, you know, because you get to that point, you go, Bob, that old guy that talked and had a sentence, he said, you're going to hit a bottom out there, and you're going to hit a bottom in here, and hope you stay sober through both of them, I'm going, what the hell is he talking about? Today, I know, and they come around that five-year increment, so watch out, just hang on to your butt, and grab your sponsor's hand, because you're going to need both of them, and you know, after we couldn't run that old guy out of the meetings, you know, you give me five minutes, and I take his inventory, and I tell you what an SOB he was, and how he ran newcomers off, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and that day, when I'm looking at that gun, and you know, I think about him, because we, you know, we'd been going to different groups, we started our own, so they could float up, and be like us, and you know, I'm serious, it damn near killed us, but a bunch of self-righteousness is what that was, and today, I stand before you, probably the only person that still goes to those meetings, the rest of us, they don't go, so you know, and I'm sitting there, and I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm looking at this gun, and I know that old guy's phone number by heart, you know, I've dialed it so many times, because he sponsored me for a while, you know, and that's another thing you ain't supposed to do in AA, you ain't supposed to have no man sponsor, and he was the one that told me he'd rather get me sober, than get in my pants, so I figured I was safe with him, and he took me to a different level, he got me in that big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and he loved to drunk, you know, and he was the one that told me, I had a black girl, and now I'm living in the south, and I come up with a lot of old ideas, and I had a black girl ask me to sponsor her, let me get back to you, I run to him, I said, I cannot sponsor this black woman, he says, why not, go get your book, I went and got my book, he said, find in there where it says anything about a black alcoholic, I'm looking, because I know I can't sponsor her, because I'm down in the south with a bunch of old ideas, right, and I go back to him, I said, Bob, I can't find it, he said, that's right, he's in an He said, Bob, I can't find it. He said, that's right. He said, it ain't in there. He said, does she have a desire to stop drinking? I said, yes. He said, well, you tell her, you'll

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sponsor her and y'all walk this walk. And that's what we did. And I'm gonna tell you, that woman taught me more about principles before personalities than I would have ever learned anywhere else. You know, I'm forever grateful that I didn't tell her no because of my fear. You know, she lived in a neighborhood and she'd tell me, we'd come home from a meeting, she'd say, Sandy, lock your doors and don't stop. I lock my doors and I'm driving, you know.

That's what we did. That's what we did. You know, I had a, I had a girl that was, everybody knew she was a lesbian and she asked me to sponsor her. I'm like, oh my God, Bob, I can't sponsor this girl. He said, when you get okay with your own sexuality, theirs won't bother you. See, he always did that. He turned it back and made it about me. You see why I tried I prayed for him to die. But he was right. Cause I had some doubts. I didn't know, you know, I had some questions, you know, he said, you figure it out for yourself and you'll be okay. He said, principles before personality, Sandy, over and over, you know, and you know, when I hear him talking to my head, he's always screaming at me. But today I know he was probably just talking louder than my head. Cause my head was screaming at me. I don't know that he did. He probably did, but I don't know. You know, I have this disease of perception, you know, and so I got all those valuable lessons, you know, just through sponsoring people and that's what this guy, he was always telling me the truth, but I hadn't talked to him a long time. So that day I'm talking about eating this gun. I pick up the phone and he said, get in the car. First step, get in the car. So I get in the car. Well, he asked me, he said, are you able to drive? Cause I mean, I was a blubbering idiot. I mean, I was, you know, I was just, I was, I was just done. It was that bottom and sobriety that God, I hope you live through it. And if you live through it, I hope you just don't drink behind it. And I went over to his house and when he opened up the door, he was on the stoops and his arms was open. He didn't ask me, why did you say blah, blah, blah about me whenever he just opened up his arms and I fell in and him and his wife were taping in the Southeast. And what they allowed me to do was get in their pocket and they let me work that tape table to pay for my room and let me, let me come and be around y'all.

And I heard people from California talking about being divorced in the, in the same meeting and not fighting. Now I'm going to tell you, I talked to that speaker after that, that I heard that cause I want to know how you did that because nobody was taking sides. I mean, it was alcoholics anonymous. It wasn't his side, her side. I didn't know the difference. And, um, and so, you know, I started praying for God to, to put this guy back in my life so I can make those amends. Cause I knew I played a part in it. You know, we play a part.

So I'm at the district meeting and, um, we've got this district meeting. I'm district secretary and you know, the chatter before the meeting, right? Well, in come this guy, you know, ex-husband and, um, and the hush fell over the room. Oh crap, God, not today. I was, you know, in private. You know, I have never done anything sober in private. It's all in front of y'all. I, you know, I just, I grew up here. I show out here. I make amends here. I didn't tell y'all that, you know, here we are in front of the whole district, you know? Now my sponsor has prepared me for this. She said, God will, God will prevent, present the opportunity cause I was wanting to call him and talk to him in private, right? No. So, um, I get out of my chair and I make that long walk across the room and, you know, and I stick out my hand. I said, I'm glad you're here. I didn't say I was glad to see him there cause I wasn't.

I wish he'd been anywhere else except that meeting that day. But I got up and I walked across the room cause I got to remember this is Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, this is life or death for me and for him and for a lot of other people. I can't be taking sides and doing all that judgment crap cause I got to know there's sick people here and we're trying to get better. And I know that I, I made amends and I, you know, and the chatter started back up out of that meeting and it was, I was free. I didn't know I had that weight on me, you know? And, um, about this time phase of my development, I think lack of children's my dilemma. So I find me a man's got two, you know, don't want to start off with one. I make his business my business and we're married within probably, shoot, about six months, max. I don't know how I do that, but I do that. I am committed. Probably need to be a lot of the times. What I found out is lack of children is not my dilemma.

I was doing everything. I mean, I was, I was mama to them. I was wife to him. I was Miss AA one time a week whether I needed it or not. Cause I wasn't going to those judgment meetings, screw them. And, um, and I was, I was in a heck of a mess, heck of a mess.

[00:35:01]

And this, of course this marriage didn't work, you know, cause I'm a kick and screaming two year old. I want everything my way. I don't want to share and I want you to do it all for me. Two year old, right? You can't have a successful relationship based on those principles. So, um, so we, we get a divorce and what happened was I didn't swing out on another man, you know, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It was spiritual growth for me. I was impressed.

You know, I just, um, you know, I used to ask Bob, when am I going to quit all this screwing around? I thought he's going to tell me Tuesday at four o'clock. And what he told me is he said, honey, just like everything else too, you just can't do it no more. I, those half sentences, I just don't make no sense to me. I want a time and a date. Oh, he used to kill me with that. Kill me. So, um, so I'm at the gas station, this note, the neighbor across the street, she said, I know somebody you need to meet. I'm going, girl, get back. I am done with this marriage crap. I know I don't want, I'm done. So, um, she says, but Sandy, he's going through a divorce and he needs you. Hook me right in.

You know, I'm all about service. Y'all taught me that. I did not give her my phone number. I didn't know he worked at the telephone company either. He had ways of getting that information and he called me and, you know, a couple of days later and, and, um, he come down the house and I've had on a pot of coffee and I didn't made the decision if he is ugly or weird or any of that kind of stuff. I'm lying like a dog and I'm out of here, right? I am not hanging out for any of this. I'm just, I'm just not, you know, and he was a nice guy. How do you talk, talk about those nice guys last night? And I think, you know, and that's been my experience too. You know, I met a nice guy and he just sit there and talk and talk and talk and talk. You know, I didn't know, you know, I, we just had a good time.

So we started, we started dating and you know, and I'd be at a, at a open AA something and he would show up. I don't know how you did that, but he'd show up. You know, I wasn't divorced at the time and Wendell was down at the house and one day and somebody knocked on the door and I shoved him in the closet. Didn't want nobody to know he was there cause there was those two kids involved and see for once in my, in my sobriety, I cared more about them than I cared about myself and I didn't want any, any crap about, I just didn't want to hurt them anymore. You know, we were, we were talking about it over the weekend.

You know, we'd go out of town and I'd be driving my car and I'd shove Wendell down in the flow board, you know, till we got out of town and then he could sit up, you know, all that craziness, all that craziness we did. And, um, and that's when I done that inventory on those relationships and that's where I found out I was a kick and screaming two year old cause I really liked this guy and he was a nice guy. But Bob told me he, this old guy again, Sandy, you keep fishing in that same pond, you're going to keep catching them same fish. I don't fish. I don't know what in the hell he's talking about. It don't make no sense to me. I don't fish. I, you know, he's just crazy. Just, he's an old guy.

He's crazy liquor. He's just running his brain. And, um, today I know what he was talking about. But, um, you know, in Wendell and I started dating and you know, I started, um, doing the inventory. I told Wendell, I said, I need some time. I need to do some writing. I need to, I just need some time. I need to do some work on me cause I know this ain't, this ain't going to work unless I change. And I don't know what, I don't know how to do that. You know? And so I'm, I done that inventory and I asked God to show me what he wanted me to be. Cause I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a kind of living partner in a relationship. I don't know how to be, um, true to one guy, you know, set more is better always. Right. And you know, I get bored with one and all that kind of stuff. I don't know how to do these things, but I wanted to be different. And I asked God to show me how, you know, and that's what's happened for me. Anytime I really don't know the answer and I go to God in prayer, I'm always amazed what shows up. And I woke up one morning and I knew that I knew and Wendell called me that day and he said, I need to talk to you. And I said, I need to talk to you too. You know, in, in, um, in July we'll be together 19 years. I know. And when he asked me to marry him, he tells us, he says, I look like he shot my dog. I didn't want to get married. I'd been married forever three times. I did not want to get married forever. So I told him I'd marry him one day at a time because one day at a time I can be a kind loving wife. One day at a time I

[00:40:03]

can be honest. One day at a time I can be faithful one day. Now tomorrow his ass is out of here, but today I'm here, you know, I mean, and it makes it manageable for me. So me and Wendell get married and then, thank you. I'm spiritual. When I got money, Wendell lost his job. I don't have money. You know, at this phase of my development, I've got a, I've got a, a sponsor, um, a woman sponsor. Cause I've been praying about that too, because you know, in my little town, in my little area, people told me, no, a lot, you know, I want you to sponsor me. Oh no, Sandy. Oh no, no. Cause I was a handful and I showed out a lot and I got sober in front of y'all. You know, I didn't do it back in the corner and um, I scared a lot of people and I had these women tell me no. And right around the time Wendell and I got together, this woman, uh, you know, I was praying. I said, okay, God, you want me to have a woman sponsor? You got to help me here, dude. You know, and, and I'd get, I'd go to the meet and get my message, right? Somebody tell me, we'll call this girl. She might do it. So I'd pick up the phone and call her and she'd tell me no.

And you know, through divorces and bad breaks, I hadn't had a tape of the month club in a long time, but I got a tape in the mail and I heard a lady speak on there and she said, I knew I was at a point in AA where I had to get in or get out. And she had committed to 110% in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I picked up the phone and called the taper and the taper finally, you know, it took us a couple of days to catch up. And I asked this lady if she would sponsor me. She said, I have some questions. They, they're like that, you know? I said, okay. She said, um, how many meetings are you going to a week? And I said, one. She said, Oh, that's going to change. But I couldn't tell her right then. Cause I'm interviewing her, right? I couldn't tell her that I can't go to those meetings where all those people judge me. And I can't, well, I didn't want to tell her that I got up and cussed them all out and then walked out. But you know, I couldn't, I'm telling you, I didn't get sober over in the corner. I was in your face and loud, you know? And, um, she said, um, we're going to go through, we're going to set a call time convenient to me, to her.

I'm thinking to myself, I'm asking you to be my sponsor. You're supposed to be available to me 24 seven. What are you talking about? Convenient to you. But out loud to her, I said, yes, ma'am. She said, we're going to go through that big book. And I've been in big book meetings all my sobriety. I am a big book thumper, you know? Um, but out loud to her, I said, yes, ma'am. She said, you can wear a dress to your home group meeting.

I said, a dress? I mean, in the South, you bury people in dresses. You don't wear them to meetings. You go to the meeting comfortable, you know? You know? And I mean, I was at one point I was looking for a man. So I had to show my wares in the meeting because that was, I mean, they were sober, right? Yeah. So, but she told me, I said, start wearing a dress to the meeting. I got to tell you a story. I got to backtrack. Um, I didn't go, I had to go to prison, but when I went to court, I had to wear a dress, but I didn't have a dress. I had a skirt. The skirt didn't have, it had a zipper in it and it didn't have a tag in it. That's a key. For me, I grew up with boys. I don't know where to put those stupid zipper in those skirt. You know, I just don't know. So I call Al-Anon cause she's, she's like dressed to the nines, right? Well, she's not home, but husband is. So I said, okay, where do I put this zipper? He said, all hell's ending. Just put it in the front like we do. So I put that zipper in the front on that skirt. Here I go to, here I go to court. I cannot imagine what I look like in front of that judge, but I've still got that skirt in the closet, right? Cause you got to have something to bury people in in the South. And so I got one thing I can wear to the meeting. She said, you're going to get a commitment at that meeting. I said, a commitment in the meetings where I go to the chairman does it all. The meeting, we got a little meeting space that's already set up. She said, well, you like to pee on a clean toilet, don't you? My head said, don't answer that. Don't answer that. Don't answer that. But out loud to her, I said, yeah. She said, well, that's your commitment. Picture this, I'm in this little old bitty meeting, you know, I'm in a stupid dress on my knees scrubbing the toilet. And I got people at the door, get you one of them California sponsors. Look at what they do to you. And I can't hit nobody no more. I promised her I wouldn't do that. So I'm sitting there cussing and scrubbing and cussing and scrubbing. And I can't cuss out loud, but I'm cussing and scrubbing, cussing and scrubbing. You know, and my life changed. That woman showed me how to be a lady in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because she told me I couldn't cuss out loud in the meetings. Now, I've already violated that.

Couldn't Cuss Out Loud in the Meetings. Now, I've already violated that this morning, but I try not to. I really try to watch my mouth, but sometimes y'all have taught me to be honest

[00:45:00]

and it's just up and out before I can catch it. I mean, I'm really trying, but it just is a lot of work. And that lady changed my life. That lady sponsored me a year and a half before she ever laid eyes on me. And she knew about all that stuff. I made my call a week, that was back before everybody had cell phones. Me and Wendell would be driving down the road, oh my God, pull over, we need to find a pay phone. Hunting for change, dialing that stupid number. And I knew the number by heart. It wasn't on speed dial on my cell phone. And we did that one day at a time. And that lady taught me how to be different.

And because I changed in the meetings, I went from not sponsoring anybody to sponsoring a lot of people. And about this time, Wendell lost his job. And I'm real spiritual, if I got money, I'm sponsoring all these girls, I'm looking good, and all that kind of stuff. And Spahn says, you go to the meeting and you tell them. I said, I cannot do that. You know, can't do that. I just can't do that. She said, Sandy, they gonna find out anyway.

And it's not about you. It's about somebody seeing that they can stay sober when they lose their job. And why don't you ask all those girls you sponsor to give you a ride to the meeting. I cannot do that. I can't do that. Because I mean, I was always a driver. I always had gas money. You know, and what I learned here is one of the hardest lessons for me has been to learn how to receive as well as give. It's easy for me to give because that feeds my ego. But it's hard for me to take because that's ego deflation. You know, and that's what we do here is we help each other. And so I told the girls, you know, and they were honored to give me a ride to that meeting. You know, she knew somebody in her group that done financial planning and, you know, we got a little budget set up. And if I didn't spend a quarter today, I had 50 cents tomorrow. And that's, you know, that's the way we did it. And I can cook a mean pot of beans and rice and I can feed you a week on it. And it make it different. It tastes different every day. You know, y'all taught me how to do that. You know, y'all taught me how to do that. You know, one of the things that I think is just really good to me is I can have crispy biscuits every day today if I want to. You know, that's a sign of being rich, you know, because back in them days, you make a pan of biscuits, they left you all week because it was me and Wendell, you know, and, you know, it's the simple things anymore. And Wendell, you know, he was looking for work and couldn't find it. And Bob, you know, let him paint the cabinets in his house, you know, to give us some grocery money and all that kind of stuff. And that's what y'all did for us. You know, you let us keep our dignity and grace through that, but helped us financially. And I got to learn those lessons. You know, that's what y'all did. So, Wendell gets a job in Idaho. Iowa, Idaho, where are we going? You know, because I don't know. And it snows up there every year. And I've been in snow like three times my whole life. So, I get talking to the intergroup person and I say, well, where do I go to sign up for a snow driving lesson? He said, lady, most of us just get in the car. But we go to Idaho and I'm scared to death because I'm, let's see, I'm 15 years sober and I hear the tales about people when they move, how they get there and they're not doing it right and all that kind of stuff. And, oh my gosh, I am scared to death. So, Wendell goes to Idaho in front of me because I'm packing up the house and all that kind of stuff. And he meets two women in the meeting and he gets their phone number and it tells me about it. So, I call these ladies. I said, okay, this is the day I'm coming. And you need to know that if I'm not there in a meeting in a week, please, please, please come get me because I will not have sense enough to get there by myself because I'll be so far in my head and so full of fear. I will not be able to make that walk. And y'all, y'all have taught me, you know, let us know and we'll help you. So, one lady promised that she would do that, you know, when we get to go to Idaho. And it's like God just opened up the fairytale book and throwed us in it. But y'all were not doing it right there. Those meetings were an hour and a half long. I know, and no break in the middle. It was ridiculous. I couldn't believe it. They didn't close with the Lord's prayer, so I knew they were going to hell for sure. You know, I mean, they would open with a moment of silence and close with a serenity prayer. But what Sponsor had told me to do, she said, get by that door and stick your hand out. You sit in the same chair every week so they know that you're, even though they don't know your name, they'll know when you're not there. Get a commitment, you know, and show up. Start getting those new girls. So, I'm standing by the door and I'm grabbing people's hands and I won't let them go until they tell me their name. So, they're dragging

[00:50:03]

me around the meeting room, you know. And they thought I was new. They thought I was a newcomer and that really pissed me off because I got, I'm 15 years sober at that point. You know, and I had a little girl ask me to sponsor her and, you know, and what happened for me is I, you know, okay, I'm looking for a job and she said, well, Sandy, you won't be able to get there in the wintertime because it's over this mountain. Okay. You know, so sometimes I don't know who sponsors who in this deal. But I know when I do that, I come away and I am always better for it. Always better for it. You know, and about that time my mama got sick and my mama kicked me out of the house when I was 13. I was really, you know, no, I was 13, but I'd done some yaki-daki when my bursa tip said I was older than that.

So, when you ask me my age, I have to stop and pause because I'm used to figuring the old yaki-daki way, right? And I'm trying to be honest. But, um, she got sick and, you know, not sick enough to where she had to be put, you know, in a nursing home or anything like that, but sick enough where she couldn't live by herself. And we said, well, why don't you come out here with us? She said, Oh no. You know, she knew me when I lived with her before, but what I had been doing up until that point is when I made amends to my mother, she said, I just want you happy, honey. That's all I've ever wanted for you was for you to be happy. So when I made my weekly call to her, that committed weekly call, you know, she heard me happy, you know, and, um, I said, well, come out here for a week and if you don't like it, we'll get you back home. She said, okay. Well, she come out for a week and she stayed, you know, and I got to be the kind and loving daughter that y'all taught me how to be. She got to see y'all, you know, cause the girls I sponsored come to the house and then that's, they love talking to my mama. Her, her main bragging point for me was how I used to put out a cigarette with my bare foot. I'm going, good Lord.

She got to see y'all, she got to see these girls lives change, you know, and, um, about this time, um, Wendell has a stroke. Now, old people have strokes, not, not, not young people. Old people have strokes, you know, and y'all are there. I mean, the doctor, we, we got up and we took him to the hospital that morning and we call one of the people, one of the members in our group. He was the doctor in the emergency room and she was a nurse. So I called them and they met us there and that doctor and that nurse told us what was had told me what was happening. He didn't know he was in La La Land, you know, he's out there mumbling and stuff and he couldn't talk and, and I'm scared, you know, and I'm scared, you know, but y'all are there, you know, y'all are there, y'all brought food to our house, y'all come to the hospital and you took me where I needed to be, you know, but my mama taught Wendell how to read again. You know, those C.D., Dick and Jane books, you know, all of that. Yeah. He said therapy, what the physical therapy wasn't near as hard as my mama was on him. But we had a meeting at the house and one of the girls I sponsored, they brought a meeting to the house after Wendell got home and my mama was sitting in that meeting and she said she had been sitting in churches a lot of years, but she had never felt the presence of God until y'all came. And when we were, when we buried her, my brothers, all three of my brothers come and the Sunday night meeting that we attended is an open meeting so they got to meet y'all too. And I'm going to tell you, you touched everybody.

You just touched them, you know, with your love and your laugh and your support and all the stuff that we do here. You know, that's what happens when we get together, you know, and I got, um, because I'm having to wear a dress to the meetings on a regular basis and all that kind of stuff, I got to start being asked to speak some, you know, and I had to close because I am taught that you respect that synonymous and you dress appropriately, you know, and, um, and I had to close for that, you know, and it, I got a job and, you know, um, I got my little list of speaking engagements and, um, I'm having to talk to the owner for some time off and, and I'm scared one more time because you hear the tales, you know, people confess that they're going to AA and then they get fired. That has not ever been my experience, but, so I got my little list and I go in and I make an appointment to see the, the owner of the company and I said, I need to talk to you about some time off. He said, well, Sandy, how much time off do you need? And, you know, because, um, sponsor wouldn't let me go in there and tell him I'm alcoholic to start with. He said, she said, let them see who you are. Then that, that will, that if it need to be in a little rise.

So I'm, I'm going, well, you know, I, I have the privilege of being asked to participate in a nonprofit organization and here are the dates. I didn't say AA straight off the bat cause I, you know, not stupid, you know? And, um, so he said, well, you know, different, I mean different states and stuff, you know, and there was like one a month and, um, I

[00:55:06]

take a deep breath cause he said, what nonprofit organization are you speaking for? So I say that silent prayer. I said, okay, God, I'm going to be honest and your will be done. You know? And I told him, I said, Frank, I'm a member, I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and it's a privilege that I get the chance to tell my story sometimes, you know, and he took that deep breath and sit back. I said, Oh, I'm gone. You know, he said, Sandy, he said, we make baubles here. You go and you do with my blessing, you know, and they had like a manager's meeting the next day and he went down there and told them that I speak for Alcoholics Anonymous and that we, that the company supports me in that and if they have any issues, they need to come see him. So, I mean, he just outed me right there. I'm working in that job and he comes by and he said, go do what you do.

I said, what are you talking about? Go do what I do. He said, so-and-so's daughter is in trouble. Go do what you do. Okay, Frank, I'll go do what I do. He didn't have a clue, you know, but, um, but what happened was that I got, I got to 12-step that lady in Al-Anon, not in Al-Anon, but about Al-Anon, you know, and I gave her some information and stuff like that and until I was able to sit there with that woman, I did not realize how much pain that I put my mother through. You know, in all those years, she didn't know whether I was dead or alive, you know, and that was a lot of years because I was out there a long time, you know, but I got to see. In all my arrogance, I'd never seen it so clear how the family suffers behind our actions, you know, and I hope I don't ever forget that.

We done a, we done a trade show down in Las Vegas and, um, I was asked to speak for, for Bob down there and, um, come in early and, and my donor of the company said, well, I want to go. Can I go? I said, are you serious? You want to go hear me speak? And then I got scared. I said, no, Frank, I'm honest. You just need to know that. And you also need to know I'm not the girl that I talk about up there anymore. Okay. He said, Sandy, I know who you are. I said, okay. So we go to the meeting and I don't know of any of y'all that's been to this particular meeting, but it's a specific group in Las Vegas and they, they set up the chairs every meeting like this. I mean, it's a big meeting. And Frank looked at me and he sets up all these chairs. I said, volunteers, members, who makes the coffee members, volunteers, every meeting, every week it's like this. I said, yeah. And he's sitting behind a guy, I mean, beside a guy right off skid rows, picking bugs, you know, and this is the owner of my company and he's looking at that guy. I said, Frank, really? He's okay. I said, I'll switch seats with you if you want me to. You would sit beside him? I said, absolutely. I said, that could be me if it wasn't for being here, you know, and he didn't switch seats. You know, he said, I'm involved, been involved in church all my life and I've never seen any volunteer work like this. He says, Andy, thank you for the opportunity. You know, and y'all got him, you know, y'all, y'all just get them. We moved to, what time am I supposed to talk to? Okay. I got 10 minutes. Good. I get caught up and forget about the time. Wendell has an opportunity to move to Albuquerque, New Mexico or volunteer to go there or go there. So he volunteered to go there, you know, cause we're chasing the jobs, you know, we're just chasing the job. We like to eat. I like my new car, you know, so we come to Albuquerque, New Mexico and it's a big place. It's big, you know, and everybody comes to the meetings. Everybody does a lot of meetings, but nobody's committed to a home group. Nobody raises their hand for sponsorship much and the people that do volunteer and are of service are just worked to death because you get, you get slammed with everything, you know, and one more time, I'm, I'm the new person in those meetings and I'm by the door and I work that room and I do what I'm taught to do here, you know, and I don't have a nine o'clock rule. You know, I had a lady asked me to sponsor her and she said, Sandy, do you have that nine o'clock rule? I said, what is that? She said, you don't take any calls after nine o'clock. I said, really? I said, no. I mean, that's when the meetings are over and you're in your head, my God.

Y'all have taught me how to be of service here and it's taken me a long time to get settled down in that big old, that big old city, you know, but today because of the principles I have learned here, I know how to suit up and show up. I was talking to Susan and Vinoy Thursday night, you know, but, but when you get in that and you don't have everybody going your way or doing what you're doing, it's hard to slack off because you don't have the support and you get tired of fighting and it just beats you down. And then you get somebody like Derek.

to be better than, you got to act, you got to do it, you know, it makes me step up, it makes me be better, and I'm forever grateful for that, because I still got that much pride

[01:00:03]

and that much ego, where if I'm telling her to do it, I got my butt doing it too, you know, and that's just, that's what we do here, you know, but some of the stuff that we've been talking about over the weekend, about home group commitment, and you know, we were talking about it this morning at breakfast, if you tell somebody not to cuss in our Monday night meeting, half the people would leave, you know, and not say the F word in the meeting, you know, and that's just, you know, I just, anything, everything goes, nobody's sponsored, I mean a lot of the stuff, and these are just my own opinions, this is not AA, and I'm going to get off my soap box in a minute, you know, but when I'm sponsored through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about just all the stuff that we don't do anymore, we don't act that way anymore, me and Rita were talking about it, you know, you can't keep doing what you've always done and get different results, you got to do something different, and I am glad and honored that y'all showed me different, thank you.

Thank you.