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The K-Lens, she's from Los Angeles, California. A bug? I'm cool with bugs. Hi, everyone, my name is Kay, and I love Al-Anon. I really do, and I want to thank Benoit for asking me to come here today. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to say that. Get it out of the way, let the power of it move on. I want to thank Kelly for introducing me. I had a great conversation with her on the phone, and you did a fabulous job. Good for you.

And I'm in such wonderful company, having heard Leo last night and our other speakers, Dave and Bob and Gloria, and I'm just, I'm happy you're all here. My sponsor always starts her pitch by saying I'm here because I love an alcoholic. I have to start mine by saying I wish there was only one. Which you are about to hear. I'll tell you a little bit about my past and hopefully a lot more about my recovery.

First of all, let me say this, I refer to myself as my qualifier in Al-Anon because it's not what anybody else ever did or said to me. It's not how anybody else behaved or did not behave that caused me to go completely insane. It was my reaction to it. It was my way of thinking. It's the way I dealt with life. And so I refer to myself as my qualifier. Also, I believe that alcoholism is a self-diagnosed disease.

I have tried to convince people that they have it, and until they come to that conclusion on their own, trust me, if any of you Al-Anons here still think that you can get the message across, you can't. I'm just here to tell you, right? You cannot do it. So my father, not having admitted that he was an alcoholic, I try to refer to him as a man whose drinking bothered me. So if I slip and refer to him as an alcoholic, accept my apologies in advance.

My father believed that he was not an alcoholic because he didn't drink until after the sun went down, until he was, of course, arrested at 2.30 in the afternoon for drunk driving. On a holiday, the banks were closed. We had no way to bail him out, and he stayed in jail over the weekend. But he did not have a drinking problem. My father, today when I speak of my father, this always amazes me whenever I share about my past and my relationship with my dad.

In growing up, I'm an only child, and in growing up, my father and I did not get along. And my father was the kind of man who, after he had been drinking, got violent. And the idea today that I can stand in front of all of you people, there's a couple of you who I do know, thank gosh, Maria and Laura, wherever you are, I'm so glad you guys are here, and tell you these things. And the reason I can do it today is because, although my father has since passed away, today I love my father very, very much.

And the only reason that that's possible is because of Al-Anon. He would get violent, and he was raised by a violent drinking man. You had shared something last night about the rum running. The man who raised my father, my father was an orphan, and the man who raised him was a rum runner. And very mean and very bad, and he taught my father how to treat me. And it wasn't for years and years and years that I understood the disease so I could then understand the man.

And the bottom line is that my father was a really wonderful man who suffered from a very terrible disease, and unfortunately died as a result of that disease. He would get violent with me. I developed a really bad character defect. It was a survival technique because my father would drink. The only time I had his attention was when he was mad at me. So I would do things to get him angry because he was right there in my face, you know.

And where my power was over my dad was that he would do what he did,

[00:04:59]

and then he would always come in later crying, begging for my forgiveness.

[00:05:04]

And I wouldn't forgive him. And that's not something that I'm proud of today that I behaved that way then, but I don't behave that way anymore today. But that's when I had my dad, you know, he was in my face yelling at me, had him right there. And then I would look at him, you know, and he would beg my forgiveness, and I'd say no, not after what you did. And I carried these survival skills that I learned being raised in an alcoholic home into a regular world, and they didn't work, you know, but I kept trying.

There was one night that I share about where my father got very, very drunk, and he came after me, you know, and it was a fight about nothing. You know, I think I fed the dog a piece of meat from the table or something, and it escalated in this fight, and he ran in the kitchen, he grabbed a knife, and he came after me with a knife, and my mother was screaming, get out of the house, get out of the house.

And I ran to the next-door neighbors, and I pounded on the door, and they opened the door, and out of my mouth came, my father is drunk, my father's been drinking, he's just come after me with a knife, my mother's in the house alone, call the police. And I saw the look on their faces, because I don't know about any of you, but my father was the kind of man, everyone loved my father, you know, drinking or sober, you know, if you weren't a member of his family, you loved him very, very much.

He was charming, and, you know, all the things, you know, that Leo talked about, you know, he was charming and wonderful and fabulous, and I had, and when the words came out of my mouth, if I could have pulled them right back in at that moment, I would have, because what I had done was I broke the rule, the cardinal rule, I told. And when I saw the looks on their faces, if I could have retracted what I just said, I would have, but I couldn't.

And there I was, you know, however old I was, 10, whatever, and they knew they had to believe me, but they really didn't want to, and they called the police. And I thought, well, this is good in one way that the police are coming, because I consider them to be my saviors, that now maybe something could be done about my father's drinking, you know. Maybe if the police speak to him, maybe he won't drink anymore.

And the police came again, my father, very charming man. I was hiding in the ivy, I was crouched over in the ivy of the fence, and I saw the cops come, and my heart was pounding. And within a couple of minutes, I heard them all laughing, you know, my father and the two cops, because, you know, he charmed them. And as they got in the car and drove away, I thought, oh, no, there goes my hope, you know, there they go.

And all I could think of was, oh, my gosh, if it was bad before, just imagine going back in the house now. Do you know not a word was ever said again, ever. After I'd been in Al-Anon for about five years, I mentioned that night to my mother, and my mom said, who's a wonderful woman, but has not chosen to come to Al-Anon. I've tried in that area, too. And she said, wow, I haven't even thought of that night for years and years and years.

And that's part of the thing, you know, the denial thing. And that started a pattern for me, a long pattern of picking certain people in my life. I share this story about a friend of mine, Robin, where's my little Robin, who I also want to thank. There she is. I want to thank you for, she's been by me, she's my host, my guardian angel, and you've been with me, and I really appreciate it and thank you for everything you've done.

I'm knocking on my door to wake me up this morning. Well, my best friend's name was Robin, and she was great. Robin was so great. You know, alcoholic, drug addict, couldn't have been, I loved it, couldn't have been more fun. You know, I loved going out with her, hanging with her, because we always had so much fun. I was always the driver. All the parents loved me, you know. Whenever all of us were planning to go out, they'd go, well, is Kay going?

And if the answer was yes, they'd say, okay, you know, because they knew that I was in charge, you know, that I was in control, and I would take care of their children. You know, it started very young for me, and I loved the honor of being considered that way, you know. I kind of wore that as a badge, you know, and so that control pattern thing with me started very early. So we'd all go out and we'd have all sorts of fun.

I told this story recently because I'd forgotten about it for years and years and years. I was so messed up with my friends and the way I took care of my friends. Robin one time decided to move to Lake Tahoe, which is an area outside of Los Angeles, and she came to me to tell me about it, and I said, okay. You know, like she's asking for my permission. I said, okay, you can do that. And I said, but when you go, you have to call me when you get there.

She said, okay.

[00:10:00]

Well, she got there, and guess what? She never called. So what did I do? Thinking very sanely and rationally, I hopped on a plane and I flew to Lake Tahoe. Now, I have no idea where she is. I have no idea where she's staying, but I'm going to find her. And I get to the airport on the other side. I'm at Lake Tahoe, and I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking to myself, well, now what do I do? Because I hadn't planned that far in advance, and I thought, whoa, you know.

Here I am. I'm in Lake Tahoe. My return ticket isn't until tomorrow night. I don't have a place to stay. I haven't made any arrangements, and I'm sitting in my little suitcase, and the guy who ran the Hertz rent-a-car thing comes up to me. And now when I think about it, I don't know if he's in a program now, but looking back, he probably needed one. Because he came up to me while I was sitting there, and he walked up to me and said, do you need some help?

Well, what do you think? There I was in an airport in Lake Tahoe looking for Robin. And I told him my situation, and I explained to him what my purpose was for being there, what my goal was, and he put his hand on my shoulder. He said, I'll help you. So hopefully he's attending Al-Anon somewhere today. So we got in his car, and we drove to every bar and casino around the perimeter of Lake Tahoe. It's a big lake.

And I went into every bar, and I described her, and I said, hi, I'm Kay. I'm looking for Robin. Her nickname was Rockin' Robin. And I described her. I described what she'd probably be wearing, you know, red bandana, you know, halter top, torn jeans, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No one had found her. Well, now the sun was going down, and I was getting very, very concerned, and I still have no place to stay.

This guy, though, says you can stay with me. And I said, okay. And he made me dinner, and he said the next morning, he said, we'll go out again. You know, we'll start the hunt again. And I never found her. I came back home, and when I got home, my mother said, by the way, Robin just called. So I missed her, and I called her back up, and I started screaming and yelling at her because she hadn't done what I had told her to do, which was to call me when she got there.

And as a result of her not doing what she said she was going to do, look what I then had to do. And if she had only just called, I would not have gone through this whole thing. And so Robin didn't work out in Tahoe, and she came back to L.A., and her drinking got worse, you know, it's progressive. And it got worse and worse and worse, and when we were about 21 years old, she called, and she was also very much into drugs, and she called, and she said, I need your help.

Well, okay, I don't know about any of you, but the words, I need your help, are, you know, that's just my, I just melt when I hear that. I need you, Kay, also works very well with me. And she called, and she said, I need your help. And I said, what is it you want from me? She said, you know, I want to get sober, and I want to come stay with you. And I said, no, because there's where that power thing came in.

You know, she was asking for my help. And see, I wanted people to ask me for my help, and then I'd go, no. You know, because I knew they'd ask again, and she did. And the third time she asked, I said, okay. And I always talk about this, because this is very, I was talking to a practicing alcoholic heroin addict. I said, there are going to be some rules. Only three. The first rule, no lying. And she looked at me, and she went, okay.

The second rule, no alcohol or drugs in the house. And she looked at me and said, okay. And she looked at me and said, okay. And the third rule was, you come home every night. I don't care who you bring home with you. I don't care how many of them there are. You bring them back here. You are here every single night. And she said, okay. And I said, and in return, what I will do for you is, I will find you a job.

I will make sure you get to and from work. I will make you your lunch. I will make you your breakfast. I will make you your dinner. I will set up a bank account. I will take your weekly paycheck. I will deposit it so you can start a savings and ultimately get your own apartment one day. I will clean for you. I will take your phone messages. I will take your phone messages. I'll work out some sort of health insurance plan because God knows you're going to need it.

[00:15:06]

And she looked at me and she said, OK. The thing is, is that every time that she said, OK, when I was giving her my three rules, when I said no alcohol or drugs in the house and she said, OK, I believed her. And when I said you come home every night, she said, OK, I believed her. When I said no lying. And she promised me that she would no longer lie to me. I believed her. And that's one of the things, you know, is you want so badly to believe every time someone looks at you in the face and says, I will never do that to you again.

You know, or I really mean it this time. I'm going to quit drinking. I really mean it this time. I won't ever say that to you again. You want so badly to believe. And I wanted so badly to believe her that I was off on my merry way. You know, she agreed. You know, we had the deal. The deal was in place. And now we're going to go on about our life. So, you know, she got a job. I started the bank account. I made her breakfast, lunch and dinner, blah, blah, blah.

I did all this stuff. And one weekend she disappeared. And I remember calling everybody. You know, where is she? Where is she? Where is she? And everyone said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Finally, I got her on the phone and she was napping. And I said, I don't care if she's napping. Put her on the phone. She got on the phone. And I said, you'll be here in an hour because I'm throwing your stuff out in the street if you're not here. Now, again, I don't I'm not proud of this kind of behavior in myself, but that's that's how I behave.

Someone didn't do what I told them that they should do. You know, alcoholics and drug addicts. And I I then, you know, kicked him out of my life. You know, they didn't if they didn't behave the way I wanted them to behave. And she had broken all the rules, you know, in one night. And so she came over and she begged me not to kick her out. Please, please, please don't do that. Please, please, please don't do this to me. And again, just like I did with my father, I looked at her and I said, no, I've had it with you. I said, you broke you broke all the rules. You've lied to me. I said, I have done nothing but try to help you.

You know, and look at how you treated me. And this is just not OK. I'm sick and tired of this. I cannot live this way. I'm sick and tired of it. And she was weeping in the street, you know, and and I looked at her, I said, no, get out of here. And that night she killed herself. And every time I get to this part, I always think that. And it's been a lot of years, I always think that it's going to be OK. But let me tell you, the reason today that I get sad is not for the same reason that I used to get sad.

Today, I'm sad because simply she's not here. She's not here. She's not a friend of mine. I mean, she's not walking the planet anymore. And I get sad today because it ends in insanity or death. If there is no recovery. And in her case, it ended in death. And she was only 21 years old. Now, I'll tell you, for years and years and years, I carried the responsibility because I was responsible for their well-being. So I couldn't just then not take responsibility if they weren't doing well. So when she took her own life, I blamed myself. As did her family, I might add. Why did you kick her out? How could you have done that to her?

You know, I remember going to her funeral and her parents wouldn't speak to me. And it was terrible. And I really felt responsible. You know, in Al-Anon, it talks about some of us are arrogant, smug, self-righteous and dominating. I was so arrogant that I believed that I had the power of life and death over other people. So when they would do something like that, I believed that I was the one who was responsible for it. That's how arrogant I was. And I did it. I did a geographical. I moved to Hollywood because there's no alcoholics in Hollywood.

And I look at this and I think back. And within a week, I had a house full of them. You know, and I always say this, I cook. I love to cook. And I'm a real homebody. And it's a good thing because they love to eat for free. And they would always be at the door at dinnertime. And I was happy to serve them meals because as I was serving them, I was telling them the rules. And you know, while you're here, I'm pouring the soup.

And it kept going. My life, you know, I often refer to as people. People talk about, you know, people collect dolls and, you know, unicorns and, you know, I don't know, spoons from around the world. I collect alcohol.

[00:20:14]

And pretty soon, as I said, I had a whole house full of them. And once again, my life had become unmanageable. I was getting to the point in terms of my work where I was missing job interviews. I'd be at work and all of my attention was on what they were or were not doing. You know, I wasn't concentrating on my job. You know, I wasn't concentrating on my other friends. All I was thinking about, I was obsessed with someone else's behavior, even if they weren't an active part of my life. That's where my mind would still go. And I got to a point where my life became unmanageable.

I was not living. I was not a part of my own life. And, you know, I guess that's that old Al-Anon joke about, you know, when an Al-Anon, when most people die, they see their lives pass before them. When an Al-Anon dies, they see someone else's life pass before them. And that's how I felt, actually. You know, I was just, I was constantly aware of and living, you know, my life in accordance to how someone else was living their lives. And a friend of mine, a friend of mine went into an alcohol-induced psychotic episode and his girlfriend came over to get me and, you know, I was cleaning out the garage. She jumped out of the car and she said, hey, exactly.

And I heard those words and I literally, I always refer to this because this is exactly how I felt. When she said those words, I felt the cape, you know, unfurl, you know, the big red ass pop out of my chest, you know, the adrenaline starts pumping, you know, crisis drama, love the drama. And my, my adrenaline started going. And I also always say this adrenaline, Al-Anon's favorite drug, and we can make it ourselves. You know, I'm always at the ready. We have it all the time. And, and there's my adrenaline pumping and I get in the car and she said, I just, I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I said, it's okay. Cause I'm here. And we went over to his apartment. He's hanging out the window. He's completely gone. All of his furniture was out there. He was bleeding because he'd broken the glass. And, and she looked at me and I realized at that moment that this was way out of my hands. I, I, I'd handled a lot of stuff, but I had never seen anyone in an alcoholic-induced psychotic episode ever. And I cannot tell you how frightening it was.

And, but I couldn't let on that I didn't know what was going on. I had to still look like I was in control. And she looked at me and she said, so what do we do? And I, I, I said, I'm going to have to make a call. I need some backup. And I called a friend of mine who worked in an alcohol treatment program and, you know, was on the phone cause I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know what I was doing. And I said, hi, it's Kay. You know, what do I do? And I told her, and she said, you know, I had to call the pet squad, the psychiatric evaluation team, the department of the police department.

And I called and they came and they took him away in five point restraints and locked him up. And, and after I knew he was safely secure, you know, where he was, I, I called everyone that needed to know, including his therapist and let her know what I thought of her because he'd actually been in therapy for eight years. So what in the heck were they talking about? You know, how could this have happened while she was, he was under her care? You know, because if he had been under my care in, in, with that consistency, that would have never happened. And, and arrogant, smug, self-righteous and dominating.

So I, and then I went over and he had caused about $25,000 worth of damage to the inside of his apartment. He broke the water thing and the shower and that was flooding the apartment and the furniture was just a mess. So I went over and cleaned it up, you know, because God forbid he see the damage he caused, you know, I want to make sure after he got out of the hospital that he could come back and everything would be okay.

See, because as long as I was around, see now all the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was being helpful. As long as I was around, no one ever suffered the consequences of their actions. Because, and I say this too a lot, you know, I'm little and I'm quick and I can get, you know, someone starts to topple and I am right there, you know, and I catch people before they fall.

[00:25:03]

And, you know, that's a great thing for me because it makes me feel pretty good about myself. But what I was doing was slowly helping other people kill themselves with drugs and alcohol because, you know, nothing happened in their lives, you know, I mean, except for Robin, of course, but then I wasn't around. And Al-Anon taught me that I don't have that kind of power and that it is not my right to rob anybody of the dignity of living their lives the way they choose to live their lives. Not for me to say, you know.

So after I cleaned up his apartment, coincidentally, and the reason I'm telling you all this is so you know how I was before I came to Al-Anon, because so you see I was quite a mess. But coincidentally, as this man was in the hospital, a woman friend of mine phoned me and said, you know, my husband's drinking is bothering me. And I said, well, you know what you need? You need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I'll tell you what, I'll find where one is. I'll make a call, a couple of calls. I'll pick you up. I'll take you. So I did not walk into Al-Anon because I thought I needed Al-Anon.

My first meeting in Al-Anon was because I thought someone else needed it, you know. I do not, and I'm not proud of this today, but I was not a great beginning Al-Anon person, you know. First of all, the greeters and the greeters who are here today, you know, I love you and I love that you do, you know, that you volunteered to do that or been, or maybe it was a suggestion from your sponsors. I do it. I volunteer to greet at my home meeting, but when I first came to Al-Anon, I hated the greeters because they were there and they were smiling and they were happy and they were right at the door.

And it's hard enough for me to have gotten there and gotten out of the car and am walking into the room and here's two people. Hi, how are you? And they want to hug you, you know, and I don't even know them. And I have to tell you, you know, the last thing I wanted was for someone to hug me. I was, by the time I came to Al-Anon, I was so broken and in so much pain. My nerves were like on the outside of my skin, you know, if you went, it would hurt like nobody's business.

So the last thing I wanted was for some smiling, happy, strange person, you know, to embrace me. So I kind of skirted around and at Studio 12, there were two ways to get into the room, my home, which is now my home meeting. There were two ways. And so I took the way that other people didn't take. And at the break, they'd open those sliding glass. I'd always sit in the chair, you know, back by the door.

So at the break, boom, I'm out of that room, you know, and I'd run down the, you know, Studio 12, I'd run down that driveway, stand in the front of the house. And the meeting would start and I'd sneak back in and sit in my seat at the back. For about a year, I didn't talk to anybody. I hurt so badly that I was, you know, it's like the thumb in the damn thing. I thought if I opened my mouth, that I would start crying and I would never, ever be able to stop because I had a lifetime of stuff going on. Embarrassment, guilt, shame, you were talking about all of those things.

I had all of those feelings. And, you know, being an only child, I never shared anything with brothers and sisters. You know, I spoke once to the school district in Palm Springs, California. And there was a man there talking about the dynamics of the alcoholic family in respect to the children. And he was talking about different roles that the children take on, you know, one is the heroine or the hero, the joker, you know, who tries to kind of, you know, distract with humor, the isolator, the one who gets angry.

And I went up to him afterwards. I said, you know, I do all of those things. And he looked at me and said, are you an only child? And I said, yeah. And he said, well, that's why. So when I came into Al-Anon, when I brought that woman to that first meeting, everything that they said there just hit me right in my heart. Every single thing they said from the opening to the closing, everything that was shared. And I hated it because the jig was up, you know. And I knew that I now had a choice. And I saw that there was another way to do things.

Because it's not that these people didn't have the problem. And they were all laughing, too, I might add, which I did not get. And they were all laughing, too, I might add, which I did not get when I first came. I did not understand how people were having such a good time.

[00:30:01]

And what I thought was, well, they must not have suffered the way I've suffered, you know. They just haven't felt the pain that I've felt. And, of course, within a very short period of time, not only did I realize that wasn't true, but my problems compared to other people's were nothing. Nothing, you know. And I, miracle of miracles, this was truly, truly, truly God pushing me. I kept coming back. I wasn't speaking to anyone. I wasn't talking to anyone.

Wouldn't let the greeters touch me, you know. Didn't get a sponsor. This is, I do not recommend for anyone who might be new. I don't recommend starting your program off this way. Because the longer I kept quiet, the longer it took for people to get to know me. See, my big fear in Allen on being raised, my father used to always tell me that I was stupid and that I was worthless. The God of my understanding was a punishing God.

And I remember being on the freeway with him one day, right by the Laurel Canyon off ramp on the 101. And I remember him saying, you know, one day God is going to get you. Now, again, my father was not a mean man. He only behaved this way after he'd been drinking. And that's what he had been taught. He was passing it on to me. And I believe that God saw everything I did and, you know, was ultimately going to get me.

I think that's one of the reasons I tried so hard to be so good and to be so helpful. Was I was trying to outrun God, you know, or the God of my understanding at that time. And I came to Allen on and they started talking about a higher power. And just the way they refer to it was just so completely different for me. And, you know, I've been gone to parochial schools and had to go to chapel and all of that stuff.

And I was really not into the God thing. And yet from the very first Allen on meeting I went to, there was a it was a completely different thing. And I saw the people smiling and laughing and they looked good. You know, they were all dressed kind of nice and everything. I mean, I look, you know, I look like a brown, you know, rat. I mean, I wasn't taking care of myself. And I kept coming back and I kept coming back.

One night I went to a speaker meeting and it was the first speaker was the woman who was to become and still is my sponsor Marjorie. And the second speaker was Winnie and Winnie Eddie. And I remember looking at the two of them and realizing that I wanted what they had there. There was laughter and serenity and peace and companionship and friendship and all of the things that I kept trying to get from people who were completely incapable of giving it to me.

You know, I refer to it this way. You know, it's like, you know, trying to get that square peg into that round hole. You know, me trying to get complete, honest, open, loving, kind, rational, sane relationships from practicing alcoholics. You know, it wasn't going to happen. And instead of going, you know, this peg doesn't fit in this hole. I just get a bigger mallet, you know, and just start clubbing it in there.

And Al-Anon taught me a new way of living, a new way of thinking, a new way of viewing the world, a whole new perspective on life, a whole new me. One of the first meetings I went to, the woman who was leading had 10 years at the time. I remember thinking, she must really be sick. Because what was she doing there for so long? And she hadn't even been with the man that she referred to as her qualifier for seven years.

And I thought, well, what on earth is she still doing? Doesn't she get it yet? You know, I mean, how long is this going to take? Really, somebody tell me, you know, because, you know, I have a schedule. I have a plan. I've only got so much room for this recovery thing, and then I've got to go. Busy, busy me. I had the honor of speaking at a meeting a couple of years ago with my sponsor. At the time, now I had 10 years.

And I was the first speaker, and she was the second speaker. And what a wonderful, glorious day that was for me. And, you know, it was almost hard for me to even talk because I was filled with so much gratitude. Because if you had asked me the first time I stepped into a room if I would still be there 10 years from now, in the position of the woman that I was passing so much judgment on for being so unhealthy, I would have said, no way, you know, not me.

I'm going to learn, get it right, and go. And there I was 10 years later with my sponsor, when I had seen my sponsor, when she had 10 years speaking with her sponsor. And so it gets passed down.

[00:35:01]

I want to talk a little bit. I want to say one thing. When I first came into Al-Anon, I remember being asked, you know, and I know that they meant well, well, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? Well, being right makes me happy. This is a program of rigorous honesty. And I'm sure there's no other Al-Anon in here that feels the same way. But, you know, that's the way it was. So whenever they've asked me that, I think, what on earth are they talking about?

I mean, you know, I can't be the only one that feels this way. Al-Anon has taught me that I can be happy and not be right. You know, I never thought that was possible because really, you know, my righteousness was something I clung to, you know, very, very strongly. You know, I needed that for my self-worth. I believed. You know, the thing, too, that I've so many gifts that I've received from Al-Anon.

I'm a much better driver today. That's one of the gifts of Al-Anon. I was terrible on the road. I took my anger out on the road. And, you know, I may be little, but, you know, when I'm surrounded by metal. And German, you know, very heavy-duty vehicle. I'm lethal, you know. And I remember, and Wendy shares a story similar to this. I remember that. God, I was terrible. I remember driving down the road, and this woman started to pull out, and she was going to hit me.

I gave a little beep, you know, very polite little beep. And she looked at me, and she went, what? And I slammed on my brakes. And I thought, wait just a minute. How dare she? You know, well, I slammed my car in reverse, and I'm on a main street. And I'm backing up. Traffic is going around me. I don't care. I don't see any of it. You know, I am just determined to let this woman know how badly she has just behaved.

And I slammed my car in reverse. Her eyes widened because she sees me, and I know she thinks, oh, my gosh, there is an absolutely crazed woman. And she was right. And she tries to get away from me, and she turns to the right down a street, which I happen to know is a dead end street. Because obviously she wasn't from the valley, and I am. So I have her cornered. So now I'm taking my time moseying down that street.

Coming right at her. And I see her. Please turn your tape, and I'll rewind. Turn your tape and continue on side two. She's like looking. The car is going forward and backwards because she's putting it in reverse and putting it forward and putting it in reverse, and I'm just creeping. And I get right up to her, and I roll my electric window down. I looked at her, and I just said, you know, that was not okay.

Arrogant smug. So I'm sure she doesn't even know what she's done, you know. And then I just like a rocket. I am sick and tired of people doing things wrong in the highway and then blaming me. And how dare you flip me off? Who the heck do you think you are? I decided that it's my job to start telling all you people who do that, that it is just not okay. You know, and she's just frozen in the car. And after I had said my piece and I felt that she had been sufficiently scolded and shamed, I rolled up my window and I slowly drove.

And she just stayed there. I don't know whatever happened to her. So I was bad, and I heard someone share from a podium once that since he'd been in Al-Anon, people on the road had become much better drivers. And they have, because since I've been regularly attending Al-Anon meetings, the other people on the road have become much better drivers. I'm really nice to be in a car. I had a boyfriend who said to me in the beginning of our dating, he said, you know, I want to share something with you, and I really don't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, no, no, tell me. Let's be open and honest.

[00:40:03]

Let's start this relationship off with open communication. And he looked at me and he said, you know, I really don't like being in a car with you. I said, why? He said, well, because you get so angry. I said, well, you know, and immediately I started saying, you know, these people out there drive so badly. They're so inconsiderate and someone has got to tell them. He said, and that person has to be you, doesn't he?

And I went home that night and I started thinking about it. You know, he was right. I was not nice to be in a car with. I was not nice to be around in certain situations, you know, and I really had to work on those things. Now, I'm really fun to be in a car with. In fact, it's kind of boring to be in a car with me because, you know, people can, you know, do what that woman did to me and I'll drive by and go, have a great day, you know.

Of course, there is a little bit of manipulation in there. It's not, I'm not completely being rigorously honest, not completely hoping she has a fabulous day, but I'm acting as if, you know, and so, you know, it's progress. It's progress, not perfection, and I just do the best I can, you know, and pretty soon, you know, when I wave at someone who does that to me again and tell them to have a good day, I will honestly with all my heart mean it.

And that day is coming. You know, I know it. As long as I stick around in these rooms. The God of my understanding. I want to talk about that a little bit. When I when I first came here again, the God of my understanding was a punishing God and I was petrified of him. And today, every morning I start my morning, I put the third and the 11th step together. You know, made a decision to turn my will in my life over to the care of God as I understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out.

I used to pray for things, you know, specifically that someone God, please have them behave a certain way. Please have them stop drinking. Please have them stop using. You know, please have him call me, you know, whatever it is, please. Please let me get that job. You know, I don't do that today anymore. Whenever I see an ambulance go by, you know, I say a little prayer, not that the people not be too badly injured or not that there is a loss of life.

But that whatever the situation is, that he make his presence known to those who are suffering and who are in need of his help. You know, and since I do that, I don't I don't get disappointed anymore. I I'm such a happy person today. You can ask the people who know me. It's really a miracle because I had a little span in there after I'd been in Al-Anon a couple of years where I got very angry. I'd been pushing all that anger down for a really long time and I didn't know an appropriate way to release it.

You know, and I was able in working my steps, you know, with my sponsor to let go of that anger. And I'm basically, you know, really, really a happy person today. Some of the people I sponsor go, how come it's so easy for you? Because I turn things over all the time. And, you know, I'll be I mean this when I say this. It really today is not that difficult for me. And people I sponsor will say to me, well, it's so easy for you.

And you know what? They are right. It is easier for me today. I think of it like flipping a switch because it's a choice that I'm making. And what I have learned in the process of letting go and letting God is that my life becomes a better place. Simple. That's very, very simple. I can either suffer or I can be happy. And, you know, for years, the suffering was winning out, you know, because I didn't know what it was to be happy.

So even though this was bad, it was familiar and it was comfortable in an uncomfortable way. Today, the scales have shifted. And for me today, life still goes on. Someone said to me, well, why do you still go someone who isn't in program? Why do you still go to meetings? And I said, because life still happens. You know, I'm still alive. And on a daily basis, life continues on. And because life continues on, I still need the guidance, the friendship, the hope, the support of Al-Anon, the members of Al-Anon.

Kelly wanted me to tell you this. I just want to interject this story. Because of my work and traveling, it's a great, great pleasure. I've been able to go to meetings all over the world. And I was able. I went to South Africa and I went to an Al-Anon meeting. And there was an AA meeting next door, which I also want to say this. I've always found it interesting. There were, like, 60 people in the AA meeting and, like, six people in the Al-Anon meeting.

I've never quite understood that. I will never understand that. Because for every single alcoholic, they touch God knows how many lives. You think it should be the other way around. But it isn't. And it's okay. And it's okay. That's okay. And… The man who was leading that meeting told me that it was a birthday meeting the next

[00:45:00]

week and asked if I would like to come to the Open AA meeting. And I did. I went and I got to see the first African-American woman, black woman, take a cake in Johannesburg. And I cannot tell you how extraordinary that was. I was also invited to go to an Open AA meeting, which was also a birthday meeting, in Soweto. And at the time, this was years ago, it was before the new government, you know, white American women were just not welcome necessarily in there.

And they took me in there and I went to this birthday meeting and it was fascinating to me. They had, you know, baskets of bread, it was a banquet, it was a feast. And I didn't speak the language, but I knew exactly what they were saying. You know, and the girl who was driving, who was with me, kept looking at me going, do you know what he said? Do you know what he said? And I said, yes, I do. You know, I was on the other side of the world.

And when I was driving home, I started thinking how unbelievable it is that here I am on the other side of the world. And I have found my fellowship. I mean, I'm at home with these complete strangers, people I may never see again. It just makes my heart swell. I love Al-Anon. When I said that in the beginning, I mean it. I love this program. I also love Alcoholics Anonymous because, you know, I love alcoholics.

Now I like them in recovery. And so today, the God of my understanding is with me all the time. So when my friends or people I say, it's so easy for you to flip, you know, when I flip that switch and I say, because today I decide to live in peace and enjoying and gratitude. And I know that sometimes that's hard. There's debt, there's financial stuff, there's work, there, you know, stuff happens in life.

And sometimes I can wake up in the morning and get a phone call, you know, okay, you don't have any money. I'll get sad for a while. And then I go, okay, so look at that tree. Look at this place. I never used to notice things like that. I have a story. I remember sitting in a traffic light when I was not fun to be with in a car, you know, I would, you know, sitting there waiting for the light to change.

It was late because I was always late, running late. And now I sit in a car and I was at a stoplight and I saw this crow with a cookie walking across a bridge in front of me. And I sat in my car and I watched him and, you know, how he balanced because it was one of those big cookies and, and, and, you know, I didn't like fall forward on his beak, but he was so proud with that cookie. And I, and as I walked, I just sat there at that red light thinking, God, I'm so glad I got, I caught the red, you know, where in the old days, you know, I missed the green, you know, and I was so happy that I made the red light and that I got to see that because I missed all of those things all the time.

I saw once I used to drive to the gym every morning and there was a man, um, they were tearing down this old house in Hollywood and it was beautiful, but specifically what was beautiful about it was there was this gladiola and it had the most gorgeous red, tall gladiola and they tore it down and they were going to build an apartment. And I watched them go through the process, but they left this flower in the front and they were leveling the land and now they're framing the house and everything.

And there is this, this flower. And one day I was at a red light and I saw one of the work guys, you know, this big burly guy go over, take a drink out of the hose, carry the hose over and water the flower. And I just, you know, I kind of started to tear up. I went, Oh, you know, once again, God, I'm glad I, I made this red because I got to see that. Now, ironically, they fed the flower, they watered the flower, they took care of the flower.

When the landscapers came in, they ripped it out. So figure, um, but I got to see that, you know, um, when I was pulling in here, um, I've never been to Oklahoma when I was pulling in here, I could not believe how beautiful it is. Um, uh, Tony was driving, he said, Oh, and, and there's a wheat field, you know, like Um, you know, the old me would have driven right by it, you know, now maybe people in the car with me would prefer that I keep my exuberance to myself, but, um, cause I get a little carried away, but it's because I'm so grateful.

I'm so grateful. I'm so connected with a higher power today that there's just really not much that can go wrong in my life. You know, today, um, I have friends today.

[00:50:03]

I love the slogan for, for the, for this whole weekend, because I have friends today that I will have for the rest of my life. Um, and not just friends the way I used to consider friends, but quality relationships, because all of you are people that have felt what I felt seeing my whole life growing up. I didn't think that anyone knew what I was going through. I thought I was the only one. And now I can go anywhere in the world and show up at an AA or an Al-Anon meeting and know that all of the people that are there know who I am because we, you know, it's not about what you do for a living.

It's not about how much money you make, where you live, what kind of car you drive, what sex you are, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters, the only thing that qualifies you for Al-Anon is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend, sobriety or recovery. And that is amazing to me. Every single place I go, I'm welcomed with open arms. And today, when a greeter comes at me like that, I come right back at him.

You know, that was a great gift from the members of Al-Anon. Because as I said, don't touch me. Don't come near me. Don't ask me how I am, you know, because if I open my mouth, I would start a cycle that I could never, never stop. And you loved me and said, OK, whatever you need to do, it's OK, it's OK, we're here. There's a pamphlet, here's this, you know, people were very gentle with me. That's what it had to be for me.

You know, that was my way. That's just what it took for me today. And as a result, you know, when I'm a greeter, and still being so Al-Anon, people come in and they go, hi, I'm Kate. You know, is it OK if I, you know, because I don't want to, you know, like make someone uptight like I was. And people go, yes, it's just my home meeting. I love my home meeting. I love the people I sponsor. I have a fabulous relationship with my father today, although he has passed away.

And I know some of you may think, well, that makes it a little easier. And it does, a little bit, because the behavior doesn't continue. But what has changed is my attitude and my understanding of the disease that my father lived with. And today, I remember, I had years and years and years in my life where I could not remember any good things that happened with my dad and I. Couldn't remember good Christmases, Thanksgiving.

One Thanksgiving, he went into the bathroom, it was a one-bathroom house, and he passed out. And no one ever said, you know, three hours later, no one said, you know, we, you know, he's been in there for a long time because we just pretended it wasn't happening. And that's fine if you have more than one bathroom in the house, but you don't. We didn't. And people were just, you know, they didn't know what to do, but they, nobody would say get him out of the bathroom.

You know, it's that elephant, you know, in the living room thing. And I don't feel the need to always let people know what's going on with me. You know, it says, and just for today, you know, my feelings may be hurt today, I will not show it. That doesn't mean don't feel it. It just means, you know, maybe just don't show it right at that moment, you know. That's a great one for me. I didn't understand it at first because I thought, well, wait, I come here, you tell me to feel, now you're telling me not to feel, I don't get it.

No, that's not what it's about. What it's about is that today, something, somebody may say something. And if I stop and think for a moment, I realized that what their intent, what the intent was behind it. I let it go. You know, resentments, old injuries being relived. I don't want resentments in my life today. Elinon has given me the tools to learn how to get rid of the resentments in my life. And you know, I only weigh, I don't know what 108, but when I came in the resentment load, you know, well into the hundred pounds, hundreds of pounds of resentment.

And I don't have that today because of Elinon. I go to speaker meetings and I listen to men and women share about where they once were and where they are today. And I would hear when I first came in, people saying, if you want what we have, do what we've done to get it. And as I said, I didn't at first, but I just kept listening. And when I started opening up and letting people know who I was, because my big fear was if you got to know me, you go, Oh, you, well, you know I've got to, I've got some place I got to be, you know or that you'd look at me and go, I don't like you anymore.

You know? And that was a big fear of mine because I felt so unworthy. And the, the, the men and women of Elinor showed me that I wasn't, and that I was lovable and likable for exactly who I was. And more importantly than that, they showed me how to be a better person. I have better friends today because I am a better friend today. I still do basically the same things that I used to do. I'm still helpful.

[00:55:00]

That's how I like to call it. I still like to do things for people, but today my motives are different. Before it was to get you to like me or more importantly, so that I could control your behavior. Today it's because I think it's what God wants me to do. It's the right thing to do. There are no strings attached. It is for fun and for free or I don't do it. And that concept was very difficult for me when I first came here for fun and for free.

Now that's not so hard for me to do. All these things that I've learned in this program, the gifts that I've received, the camaraderie, the companionship. My relationship with my mother today is a wonderful one. I wish my mother would go to Al-Anon because I know it would help her. I know it would relieve a lot of her anger and her guilt, but it's her choice not to come. And you know what? I don't have to say a word to her about it.

If she decides to come, maybe it's for my example, not for my promoting this program. When I was pulling in here, I got really frightened and nervous and I thought, oh my gosh, I got to speak to my sponsor. I've called her and called her. I couldn't reach her. And so I used Benoît. Thank you. But my sponsor's machine answered and her voice was on the machine and all I needed was to hear her voice. That's all I needed.

So the message I left was, well, I just needed to hear your voice, now I have, okay, bye. You know where I am. And that's a miracle for me. All of my days, I wake up and I make a conscious choice to have a good day. And I have to do it sometimes on more than one occasion in the course of a day because stuff happens. But every time something happens that makes me uncomfortable, I said, I deal with it, you know, and then I let it go because it was that hanging on that cost me my sanity and my serenity and my happiness in life.

It was the constant attention I paid to what other people were doing. Today, I wish you well, but whatever you choose to do is what you're going to do. You know, that's just the way it goes in life. I'm going to close. I always close by first of all, I want to thank you all very, very, very much. I'm so grateful to have been here today. And I hope that, you know, that you got something from what I said, I just I'm just so happy to be here.

Winnie Eddie always used to close with a little poem and since her passing, I try, I want to pass it on because it means a lot to me. Just as the child brings his broken toys with tears for me to mend, I took my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving him at peace to work alone, I stuck around and tried to help with ways that were my own. And when at last I cried, how can you be so slow?

He said, my child, what could I do? You never did let go. So God bless you all. And thank you all very, very much.