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One of the joys of this program is meeting and making new friends. I had the opportunity of meeting our speaker about three years ago and I made a new friend. Without taking any of her time, I want to tell you that I love her and that she indeed does take time for other people. She takes time to care. With this, I'd like to give you Annie P. from West Minister, California. You guys must all have had your grits this morning. My name is Ann and I'm an alcoholic and it's good to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to welcome all the new people and all the people who are here for the first conference.

Conferences are very, very exciting. I also would like to thank the committee for having me and for putting up with me. I'm not staying right here. My husband came with me this time. Where is he? Did he leave? I told him I was going to say something nice about him. Probably couldn't handle it. He decided to go. I want you to know this is more than five miles away from home and he doesn't usually go any more than five miles away from home. It's been very, very exciting and interesting living with me. We don't have a dull, boring life. I told him I'd share some of those weird things in my sobriety and also my drinking. He did pay me a compliment this morning. He said I was getting better and I really relate with Sally. I did find myself going to Al-Anon and it's been the pits. I gave them a year. When I started to go, I gave them a year to put me together and they told me it would take me much longer. This is the second conference Dean has come with me out of town. The last time he went, I had left him and I moved out for about four months and I was so obsessed about what was going on at that house, I kept running back and forth. It's just really hard to control everything when you're in an apartment.

So I thought it would be best if I go home. That way I have all the control. So he came up to Oregon with me and he got to meet that Indian Ramon and I thought Ramona was going to save him at that time and so that didn't work. So I took him down here to Oklahoma because Vinoy is going to save him this weekend. I gave up doing all those things. I used to sit in this, I think what happens with those of us who say sober and Alcoholics Anonymous, we get into being more Al-Anon than we are alcoholics. That controlling, obsessive, watching everybody and doing all that things. I encourage my children to drink because I know there's a program for them here if they drink but I don't understand those drugs because I just don't understand them.

Yeah, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll be sober. My sobriety date is on June 16, 1968. I will have 19 years this coming June by the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do want you to know I had not planned to stay with you this long. It was not one of the things I wanted to do. I just had planned to come in and just stay for a little while. I'd hear those alcoholics talk about this mental twist. It talks about it somewhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I knew immediately that I would get that mental twist untwisted and then I would be on my way. Yeah, I hate to tell you this but it's still very bent and I'm going to be here for a while. I am truly, truly grateful today to the people that were here when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and if you're new here today, I used to gag on that word, gratitude. I would be grateful if I had your husband and your car and your kids but I most certainly was not grateful that I had what I had and I was not grateful that I was an alcoholic. I am grateful today to those old-timers that were here when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because those were the people that gave me a foundation into a program in Alcoholics Anonymous and there were people who talked a great deal about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and they talked about the 12 traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and they talked about getting active in service of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't like to pick up ashtrays.

In fact, I used to tell them I wasn't going to do that. That was not one of the things I wanted to do but I did it when they weren't looking. Yeah, they also told me that I had to clean house and I related with Sally. The only thing I didn't do even in my sobriety was boil those children and even when I was drinking I used to figure that if I had everything all clean that that gave

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me the right to do whatever I wanted to do. You know, I remember one time I was ironing and the next time I remember waking up at the Dooms Hotel in Vegas. I have no idea how I got from the ironing board to the Dooms Hotel in Vegas with a six-month-old baby in my arms, you know, with this girl screaming at me saying, I don't want you here. Why are you here? You know, and I came to her and I said, where am I? And she said, you're in Vegas. And, you know, some of those little things get real scary when you look back and you think, my God, how did, you know, that happen?

And they talked about cleaning house and I cleaned my house. I had the cleanest house in Westminster and I found out what I was doing and they said, no, that's not the kind of house cleaning we have in mind for you. We want you to clean the inside of you is what they were talking about. And they talked about these 12 steps and I wondered where they were and how often I was going to have to run up and down them. I thought they had 12 stone steps somewhere and that was part of the punishment for being an alcoholic, you know, that you had to walk up, run up and down those things. And I think the leader last night said that, you know, when he came to Alcoholics and Aliments, he knew his life was over and it was going to be real boring. And I knew my life was over and it was going to be real boring. It was never going to be another thing to be, you know, again, it was done. And, you know, today I find there is just not enough hours in the day for me to do the things I want to do. You know, I just wanted you to know where I'm at today in my program. I am almost 19 years sober and a lot of things have happened to me this year and I look back on my year and I see how I've grown and I'm one of those that I'm 42 years of age, but I act like I'm 18. And I started working this year. I've always done some little thing, but I mean working out there with those people in an office. And I was working at a temporary agency and I was working for a builder's employment corporate office. And I was in there, I stayed there for almost five months and they just loved me. This Fredda mother thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread. Now I don't have any skills, but I've learned to pretend I do. And so I've had a, I don't have a real big educational background. In fact, I don't have none.

And, but I was in there and I would, he would tell me what to do and I would do it. And I did a lot of stuff. And one day he said he wanted me to type. And I said, they didn't tell me how to type and I don't know how to type. So he says, just labels. And I did and I typed his labels and I have a dyslexia. And so I typed the labels and I took them into him and he looked at them and, and, you know, and he said, he came back out to me and he said, Annie, he said, there's something wrong with these. He said, they're, they're not in the letters are not in the right place. And, you know, and he said, it's all backwards. And I looked at him, I said, well, the letters are all there. They're just not in the right place. And what was so great about that was I didn't have to die behind that. You know, I literally did not have to die behind that. Today, right now, today, in the last couple of months, I did work at different offices and it became, I got, it was really hard. It was every day I go in, I think if they find out who I am, they're going to fire me. And there's a lot of weird people out there, really weird. I told one gal, she, I told her, she's, I got to take a break at this particular place. And it was like, she said, it is 9 59. And I looked at her and I said, you know, you ought to go over to Russia.

And I said, Hitler's dead. You know, I'm not going to worry about a minute. And so I left that job. And today I'm working at the, today I'm working at the end cafe at the end of the pier. And that's quite interesting. I mean, it's all water around. And, and I really, I'm finding out to see how much patience and tolerance I have and in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and how much I've grown. And, and it's a real busy place and you have a lot of teenagers, a lot of kids. And over the Easter holiday, it was warm.

I think it was the best weather we had in California. And it's now winter again. And all of these people are down there and, and the guy happens to be a member of our program. And, and I happen to have a little bit more seniority and I tell him every chance I get, he's only four and a half years. And so I feel like I've got the edge there for some reason. And so these kids are in there and I got real flustered. And I started to yell, like I was yelling at my own kids, right? I forgot where I was. And, and so this kid told me I was rude. And he, then he went on to tell me that he wanted to know who the owner was.

And I said, his name is John. And he said, do you know him? And I said, yes, I know him better than his mother. As I yelled at him and told him to get out of this, out of the restaurant. And then I thought, you know, Annie, this is not really working a program. And so I went to a meeting that night and I shared it. And the next day, all the AAs came down and

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that made it really nice. Then I could be nice to them. I could, I didn't have to be nice to the AAs, but then I could be nice to the other people. So, so I'm learning one more time. And I was glad that day that my boss came down and took me back at the end of the pier, because I was afraid the guy would be waiting for me and throw me over the pier. I don't swim and I didn't see any life jackets around. So I have, but compared to what I used to be, I have, I am so much better because when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I could not do some of the things I'm doing now. And I truly, truly mean that. And when I got here, I walked around my first year of sobriety and I gave everybody the finger and I cussed a lot and swore a lot. And I was very, very angry. And, and, you know, I, I understand today when the, when the old timer tells the newcomer, bring the body, the mind will follow. I believe I was six years sober when I realized that all of me was sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah. Because the body would be there and my mind was always out here somewhere else. Yeah. I, I got very active in institutional work. I did a lot of HNI for the first eight years of my sobriety. And, and I'm so grateful for those commitments because it was those commitments that kept me sober. And I had a lot of candles and I would think, well, I'll get drunk after I take care of it. I go out to Orange County jail and that woman side, as soon as I do that, I'm going to go get drunk. And so it would pass, you see, and, and, and the value of staying active is that I really, when I made a commitment, I made a commitment and that was very unknown to me, but the, the steps are very, very important. And I'm not going to go through all of them for you, but I want to share what I found in, in the steps for me and Alcoholics Anonymous and where I, where I've come from. And I took that in the first three steps, the first step when they were powers over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable. Now I could not admit I was, I could admit I was powers over alcohol, but I could not admit my life was unmanageable. Yeah. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I, I never managed my life. I don't relate with drunks who get out there and think about what they did or they're going to do. I just roared right through it. And I've been known to do that in Alcoholics Anonymous and they call that self-will run riot is what they call it. And so I have to really watch that. I can't honestly stand here and tell you that I've taken that first step a hundred percent, the second half of it, at least, because somewhere I get in and I start managing and they use a word in Al-Anon, they call it controlling. And it's the same thing. I get in there and I do it. And then I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And that power greater than myself was the people here in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had to experience that again a few times and it's called surrender for me. And I believe for me that I have to continue to surrender in a program of Alcoholics Anonymous because the things that I did last year are not going to be good enough for me this year. And it's, it's an ongoing process. You know, I thought once I worked these 12 steps, my life would be wonderful and I never have to do another thing. And that's a clock. I want you to know that, you know, it just isn't, that's not the way it is. That's not life. That's not really reality. And I did make that decision and I, and I made and turned my will, my life over to care of people in Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I was two and a half years sober, I ended up at Orange County Psych Award. They didn't keep me. I had no insurance, but that's where I ended. And at that time I did surrender and I did make, I did find a power in myself. And I did that third step for the first time in my sobriety, really did it, you know, because the group worked for a long time until I could find something within me. And, you know, from that time on, I can really tell you that my life has not been the same. I really, I mean, I can move away. You know, I can, God never moves. I move, but my life has never been the same because it gets covered up sometimes with resentments or, or people or whatever. But I know that I know that it's there and I know that all I have to do is turn my eyes within and all I have to do is touch, get in touch with that power one more time. And he's always there, you know, he's always there just waiting for me to, to yield back and do what I'm supposed to do. And I did that inventory. I didn't want you to do that inventory. And one of those, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I did not know how to read, nor did I know how to write. And I literally did not know how to write or read. And when my sponsor, this guy told me that I had to take that inventory.

And I said, no, that was for those of you who drank for 15 or 20 years. It wasn't for me. I, bigger for those of us who only drank 10 years, you know, what, I mean, what kind of inventory could you possibly do? And so he told me that if I didn't take that inventory, he's going to announce it all over Huntington Beach, but I wasn't working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, for those of you, I've met an awful lot of ladies that were down at Heart to Heart, and it's so neat to see them. And there's a lot of people here that I met before. And, I don't know whether my hair was gray or what color it was, but I'm red again.

I used to change the color of my hair, whatever the way my life I used to change the color of my hair, whatever the way my life is going.

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Now I know it's an inside job, but you know, we get the dye bottle out and we change all the outsides before we get into the insides. And I used to wear my hair with Sparkling Sherry and Flame, I used to mix it, it was bright red. And at that time they used to call me Crazy Annie because I was crazy and I didn't know it. There was one Al-Anon gal, Bernie Eske, I just loved her, and Bernie used to sit next to me in meetings and I used to do this number to Bernie and one night she turned to me and she said, you do that one more time, she said, I'm going to knock you flat, you know, I would elbow her.

But Bernie would never move away from me because I think she knew the kind of insanity I had. And the people who knew the kind of insanity I had did not move away from me because they had been there in their own lives and they just loved me, you know, sometimes from a distance because I couldn't let you touch me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was, the hair would stand on my arms and I would say, don't come near me, I was like an animal, I had that wild look in my face.

And so he told me that I didn't do this inventory, so I took my first inventory under a lot of pressure is what I did. I went to his wife, his wife was my sponsor, Lois, and I went out to Thrifty Drug and I got all this equipment for that woman and brought all the pencils, colored pencils and pens and I didn't drive for the first four and a half years of my sobriety. I didn't drive for years, I used to drive people off freeways, but I didn't drive and I didn't own a license is what I didn't own.

And so I got to her house and I sat down and I said, well, I'm going to tell you all about it, you start writing, you know, and she looked at me, she said, honey, I did my inventory and I said, well, now you get to do mine, you know, and we argued, we did a lot of arguments and so she, I couldn't get it through her head that she was, I even said to her, that's what sponsors are supposed to do and she said, not this sponsor.

And I left her house and the next couple of weeks I would call her and all she would say is write, write, write, write, that's all that woman knew how to say, she didn't know anything else. So I'd hang up the phone and so finally I was able to cop to her and I was able to tell her the reason why I was one of those that couldn't do that and she said, I don't care how you do it, you make a lot of marks on that paper, whatever way you do it, you do it.

And I'm so truly, truly grateful that alcoholism does not choose its victims, you know, I mean, you can have an education or you don't have to have an education or you're over-educated or under-educated, if you have the disease of alcoholism, you have the disease of alcoholism, it's just that simple. And because of that, there's been many, many school teachers that have come into my life in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and they took an interest in my case and they took me, I've got tapes and I've got papers, I've got all kinds of things that I could show you, that they took me to these psychiatrists and psychologists that were in the educational field that tested me.

And you see, all my life I really thought I was stupid and dumb and it was very, because I was told that all my life and those are words I don't like to hear, I don't allow my kids to use them and I don't like to hear other people say them and I don't like to say them myself because it just triggers off something inside of me. And they found out that I had a thing called dyslexia and I have seen things in reverse all my life and what they're finding now today is that people with dyslexia, we have, our vision goes too far out so we can't bring it in here and I thought that's right, I used to think it was because I was always paranoid watching everybody, you know, you had to keep all sides covered, you know, in case someone would catch you.

And they found out that I had a perceptual problem and they tell me that alcoholism is a disease of perception and so I came by mine honestly, I don't know what the rest of you are doing here today. So, I am so grateful for that because these people were, worked kind enough. I did graduate in 1983, I graduated from high school and I want you to know there was an awful lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous that really helped me, I drove them all crazy is what I did.

And when I told them that I was not going on to college, they said, thank God, we cannot take it, you know, please don't go to college, Annie, you know, and even my kids were so grateful we weren't going to go to college, they couldn't take it either. I mean, I was quitting and I'm a typical alcoholic, if it just doesn't go right, you know, one day I went into school and I did the math and I got all 15 wrong and I went home and I was crying and I was banging on the car and I was cussing at God, I always blamed God because it was his fault and because I put, I had all the right numbers but I had them all in the wrong place, you know, and if they're in the wrong place it doesn't make any difference, they're in the wrong place and so I, I'll upset and this gal Marguerite was so kind and I go home and I, my next thing is I will pack my bags and run away from home.

I mean, that's, you know, little kids do that and my daughter said, well, mom, she said, that's good, you just keep trying and my husband turned around and he said, no, your mother doesn't think that way, the way she thinks is that you've got to leave now, it's all done, we're going to leave home and run away and so I didn't go to school for a couple of days and I went back and I did it again and I did it, I got all 15 right, you see, and it just, it doesn't make sense.

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So I did graduate from high school and I used to think that that was going to make me equal to you, I truly, truly was convinced that if I had an education that would make me equal to you and I found out that education will grease the wheels wherever you want to go but it doesn't change me as a person because it truly is an inside job, we have to change within. I, I want to go back here and I want to share some of that first inventory with you, I have done an off, I'm not going to share it to you in detail, I used to do that and so, you know, when my home group, when they used to say, Annie, get up and talk and so I did one time and they all sat down and they said, let your hair down and I did, I let it down, I mean, they didn't know how long it was and, you know, so, they were kind of sliding down into their seat, right, I mean, you could have seen those old timers and they, after they got a hold of me, they said, you tell it in a general way, we don't really want to know it in detail, you know, I mean, I gave them just full blow description of how it really was and I didn't know, but I want to share some of the things that I found in that inventory, some of the things that I look back on it and I'm, it's not the same and I've taken a lot of inventories at that time and I'm Irish and I'm Catholic and that gave me two strikes against me right off the bat and I go back to when I was very, very young and the reason why I go back when I was very, very young is simply because I really believed that it all started back there for me and I had a bad attitude and I had a lot of fear as a child growing up and I came, I'm the 8th child out of 10 and my father's alcoholic, I don't know that my father's alcoholic and I came from the school of Alcoholics Anonymous that you don't label anybody alcoholic, but looking back over the years and looking at how he drank and some of the things that went on in that house, I would say my father was an alcoholic and my father would get drunk and he would go out on Friday night or Saturday night and he'd come home and my mother never did anything and like Sally described, my mother very well, she was absolutely, totally insane, I mean neurotic, as you can get any more neurotic than my mother and he would come home and he would beat on my mother and in Ireland they have, you know, you keep that woman in shape, right, you know, you got to keep her, whip her into shape and I remember as a little girl upstairs and I would put the pearl of my head and the fighting would start and I would say, please God, let him kill her or maybe she'll kill him or maybe I would die and I grew up the next morning and I had all these things going on inside of me and it was guilt, remorse and I was a bad child for thinking all these bad things of my parents, you know, and I went to Catholic school not because we were rich, simply because that's all it was in the part of Ireland I came from and I share this with you because, you see, I believed that I was getting ready for alcoholism way before I ever picked up a drink. I truly, truly believed that if I hadn't have found alcohol, I would have gone stark raving mad. Alcohol saved my sanity until I found the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and through you people and your 12 Steps and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you've made me a whole person in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to Catholic school and people have asked me, how come you didn't get an education when you went to Catholic school? Well, you know, I think back on those times and growing up in that household and that absolutely was such a small little house and my daughter just came back from over there and one of the things she said to me when she came home was, she said, Mom, I'm so grateful that you escaped that disaster.

She said, I don't know how you ever survived it. And I said, because if somebody greater than me had bigger plans for me and I could have died in that place. And she said, your whole family is, they're all drinkers. She didn't call them alcoholics. She said, they're all drunks. And I said, I know. And I remember going to school, I remember all of that confusion that would go on in my head because there was so much going on. There was so much commotion at that house all the time. There was always a lot of anger. Irish, at least in my family, we generate a lot of anger. Does any Irish here today, please don't get upset with anything I say about the Irish. I've only got two things to say about the Irish. We're sexually suppressed and spiritually sick. That covers a whole lot of stuff right there. So I remember sharing with Mary Reagan one time about all the horrible, Mary's my sponsor today, and I was telling her all these things. I used to have psychiatrists cry about some of the things these nuns did to me. I mean, really cry. I mean, it was terrible. I used to cry a lot too. And I was telling Mary about all these rotten things these nuns did to me. And Mary looked at me and just kind of shook her head. And you've got to know Mary. She's a beautiful, beautiful lady. And she looked at me and she said, Annie, I know you really had it bad. She said, you know, I had German nuns. And she said they were trained by Hitler. She just shut me up right there, you know. There's always somebody in Alcoholics Anonymous that's going to have a lot worse than you. I guarantee you. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that the brainstorms are not for us. And I had my first brainstorm in second grade. I decided I was tired of that nun hitting me and I was going to get her this particular morning I was going to go to school. And every morning we had catechism. And every morning

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my mind would shut off. I would try to learn those Hail Marys and Our Father. And I couldn't. As soon as she would, I would just shut off with that fear. I was absolutely consumed with fear. And so I went in and I thought, I'm going to get her. And so she grabbed a hold of me. She asked me a question. I forgot it. And in this particular classroom, there was a big blast petition. And Mother Superior was teaching next door because one of the other nuns was sick. And she pulled me out from behind this pillar because the seat was a big pole in between. And she pulled me out to hit me. And I up and slapped her right across the face. And Mother Superior happened to turn her head and see me do it. And I stood there and said, I didn't do it. You know, now 30 kids and Mother Superior saw me do it, but I didn't do it. I was to do that until I came to Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I would stand and I would look at you, straighten the eye, and I would say it wasn't me. I did not do that. I don't know who was doing all these terrible things. But most certainly it was not me. I have learned here that I could not take responsibility for anything. I could not take responsibility for any of my behavior or my emotions or any of my actions. I could not take responsibility. I have learned here in Alcoholics Anonymous that I can take responsibility for any today. And God, that's a lot for me. That's a big thing for me is that I do take responsibility for me today because of Alcoholics Anonymous. They took me out of there and moved me to another grade, and I was to kneel in front of these two statues.

I assumed I was supposed to pray, and I always say it was three weeks, but it probably was a week. But when you're in second grade, a week feels like three weeks. I don't care who you are. And I wouldn't let me back in the classroom because they wanted me to apologize to the classroom. I remember standing in front of all those kids, and I remember her using that pointer or sticking it in my back because I wouldn't say it loud enough. I remember lowering my eyes, and I remember having to say I was sorry. But I also remember something else happened inside of me, and what happened inside of me was you against me, and it was always you against me from that time on. I left school, and I was so glad to get out of there. I left school. I think I was all of 13, and I didn't start school until I was seven. I think I was seven and a half. I got right in there right before First Communion.

And don't ask me why I didn't. I was always sick as a child. There was always something wrong, and I don't know why I didn't start school for so long, so late in life. I didn't really want to go. It was probably what it was because I was so afraid what was going to happen in that house. I went to work in a factory, and I had all those hopes and dreams that every other girl had. I was going to find me a nice Irish fellow and get married, and I am so grateful God doesn't answer stupid prayers. I was truly, truly grateful. It would have been absolutely, totally disaster. I mean, absolutely, totally disaster. I did find alcohol, and I did find booze all in the same week. And I remember my first drink, and I remember my last drink, and there was a lot of drinking in between. And I am really grateful for alcohol. I really am, and I know people don't like to hear that, but I am grateful.

Alcohol saved my sanity, and I'm grateful that I found Alcoholics Anonymous because to see you put me back together. I could never have lived sober. I could not imagine life without drinking because it did something for me. It took away all of that stuff that went on inside of me. And my first drink was a half a bottle of Cognac, and this guy told me that if I drank this half a bottle of Cognac, he would give me a pound note, which was equivalent to $3 in your money at that time. And the deal was that if I was to drink this half a bottle of Cognac down, and I wasn't to stop. And I drank that half a bottle of Cognac down, and I didn't stop. And I got very, very sick, and I went into the bathroom, and I threw up. And I came back out, and I said, give me my money. I would have done absolutely anything for money. Absolutely anything I would have done for money. And he gave me that money. And if you know anything about the Irish culture, you do not have to be any age in order to drink. If you know how to name your drink, they will serve it to you. And I went up to the bar, and I ordered me another drink. And it was gin and orange is what it was. I remember that. I never drank gin from that time on. I got so sick. It was terrible. And I continued to get drunk, and I can tell you exactly what it did for me.

It took away the terrible, terrible knot that was in the pit of my gut. And it didn't matter whether my father beat up my mother. And it didn't matter whether I had no education. And it didn't matter whether there was no food in that house. I found the secret to living. Now, I didn't drink every day from that time on, but I drank at every opportunity from that time on. By the time I was 17 years of age, my father made the decision for me.

I had absolutely nothing to do with this decision. And I did a lot of drinking over it. I used to cry a lot over this, because I used to felt he really rejected me. And of course he did. He did me the biggest favor of my life, was to send me to this country. And all of a sudden he decided I was going to go to America. In fact, there was some old man that he used to train. My dad was into dog racing, greyhound racing. And so he used to train these greyhounds for this old Mr. Langland.

These Greyhounds for this old Mr. Langland, and his daughter had gone to New Zealand. And all of a sudden, I had no idea he was sending me to New Zealand.

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But my other sister, he had given her a black eye, and she had ran away from home. And so she went to England and then decided to come on to America. And so she got out here to the States, and so then, he decided, well, no, he would send me to America. And I had nothing to do with this and so I knew when he told me that I was going to go to America, I knew that it was going to be different, you see.

And I didn't know until I came to folk of Alcoholics Anonymous, that is alcoholic thinking, you see. I knew it was going to be different. I was never going to tell a soul I was Irish. You know, I had a brogue like I stepped off the bloody boat. You were never going to know I was Irish, you know. Yeah. Couldn't say two words. And so my aunt took me up to Dublin and she was just out here a couple of weeks ago.

And we would talk about that time and how scared and how frightened and going up to Dublin. And she'd fill out all these papers for me and how my life has changed. And it's only because of Alcoholics Anonymous my life has changed. Nothing, nothing more. It's because I've been willing to show up here and I've been willing to take a seat. And I've been willing to sit and talk to those new people or to go out and do the things that I'm supposed to do here in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that's the only reason is why my life is so different today. And I don't mean outside. I mean, it's so different within me. You know, I look at life in an entirely different way than I did when I got here. And I, she filled out all these papers because I do have people in my family who know how to do that. And I remember being, I remember asking my dad at that time, I said, please let me go to England.

I am so scared. I've never, America was like at the ends of the earth. And he said, I said, let me go to England. I'd be glad to go on to the States after. And he said, no, the Queen of England has screwed up that half the family. And by God, she ain't going to screw up this half the family. You know, I want you to know that the Queen of England has been blamed for more Irish going wrong than anybody I know.

You know, I mean, and if it wasn't for the, it wasn't for the Queen, Ireland would starve. You know, I got five brothers running through England today and I got a sister that lives in the northern part of Ireland. And it's just, there's no way they would have been able to live in Ireland and support their families because there's no work in Ireland. And so I remember going up to Dublin, I remember getting on that plane and I remember drinking champagne on that plane.

I remember the feeling and the feeling was freedom. God, I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free so bad. And I knew that if I was free from this family, my life would be different and nobody would ever know. And I would be just so much different. I wanted to be free. And, you know, I know today that that was all false freedom because I was never to feel that feeling again because it was false freedom behind booze.

And I was never to feel that feeling again until I came to the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't get my freedom in my first six months of the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me a long time to be free in Alcoholics Anonymous. And today I can tell you, I couldn't tell you that six months ago that I was free, a free spirit in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous because I get into obsessions and I get into bondage and I get into a lot of things.

And today I am a free spirit one more time because I choose one more time to pick up the tools in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous and to do the things I'm supposed to do here in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous because you gave me those tools here. And I'm a free spirit in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I like being free. I truly, truly like being free. I like that little part in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free.

And for so long, even into my sobriety, I dreaded the morning. I dreaded wakening up. And I used to think another day and I've got to go through this because I was depressed most of my life and I didn't see it was going to get any better here in Alcoholics Anonymous for a long, long time. But one of the things that you allowed me to do here in Alcoholics Anonymous was you allowed me to act out all my feelings.

I have been allowed to act out my feelings here in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And nobody ever told me I had to keep on going. I was so disappointed when I found out they were telling everybody to keep coming back. I used to think they singled me out to tell me that. But I found out they were telling everybody to keep coming back. And I was to stay with a family for the next couple of years up in Palos Verdes.

And I was very, very impressed with this family. It's a very nice area over there in Los Angeles. And I was very impressed with them. I was impressed with her home and I was impressed with her bar. I mean, she had a gorgeous bar. And she used to drink 108 proof vodka. And I used to drink 108 proof vodka. And I filled that bottle up with water. And then she could never understand how come she wasn't getting a buzz on.

Well, she was drinking that good mountain water that she used to buy. And I took care of her four kids. And this woman wanted me to go to school. And I couldn't tell her that when she got phone calls, she didn't always get her messages. You know, if the kids were there, I'd say, you do that, not for your mom or the older kids. But she took me down Redondo Beach High. And I remember being outside that school.

And I was absolutely, totally terrified. Absolutely, totally terrified outside that school. I shook a lot. But I was about a child. So, therefore, I always shook. I never connected with some of that stuff that I was drinking.

[00:35:03]

I had nothing to do with that. And I was terrified of my peers. I never ran around with my peers. I was terrified of my peers. Because, you know, your peers are always real quick to tell you what's wrong with you. And I remember standing outside that office. And I was sliding down the door. I was shaking so bad. And I can tell you today what I was probably experiencing. I was going into a catatonic state of mind with absolute sheer fear that somebody was going to find out something about me.

And that's one of the freedoms I found here in Alcoholics Anonymous. My life's an open book. I don't have to run down alleys anymore. I'm free here. Because I don't have to. I don't have secrets today. And they tell me that I'm as sick as my secrets. And I may not tell them to you. But I have a sponsor that I tell everything to. And it's very important that I tell everything to. Because I get into that little con game within myself, you know.

I, that woman looked at me and she said, Annie, you don't have to do that. And I didn't have to do that. And I ran around Redondo Beach Pier at that time in my life. And I'm surprised I didn't run into Matt. He probably was too young. He wouldn't look at an older woman anyway. And I was running around Manhattan and down into, in that area and along the beach area. And I ran into a lot of people who used a lot of hard drugs.

And I never got involved in drugs. And the only reason I didn't get involved in drugs was simply because I was terrified that if I was caught, I would be deported back to Ireland. And my father would meet me at Dublin Airport and he'd kill me first and ask questions later. My father caught me smoking when I was about 10 years of age. And, and as he's ramming that cigarette down my throat, I'm saying, I'm not smoking, you know.

And he's sticking that, I mean, he's just, ah, his fist is going down my throat. And he took a dog's leash to me and he whipped me and, and he, and he kicked me. And I remember my mother running in and saying, Jack, you're going to kill her. And he said, yes, I'm going to kill her. She's no good and never will be any good. And I remember that memory stayed with me. And they couldn't let me out of the house for two weeks.

I was so badly beaten. I don't know what they would have done with me, what they would have done in Ireland at that time. But I wasn't allowed outside because I was so black and blue all over. And so I, memories stay with me. And I knew that if I went home and I was deported back to Ireland, he would kill me first and ask questions later. And I lived on uptown at that time of my life. And, and Sally talked about the robe and the go-aheads.

And I used to wear those rubber go-aheads. And, and I had, I wore jeans way before they were fashionable. And, and I had my rubber go-aheads and my jeans and my t-shirt. And I drank Ripple too. I'm so glad I finally found somebody that drank Ripple. Nobody drinks Ripple in Alcoholics Anonymous now. I knew you were in my time. And, and now I drank everything and anything anybody ever bought me. But when I bought, I drank Ripple.

It was 37 cents a bottle and it came in a long neck bottle. And boy, God, if you never got drunk on Ripple, you'd really truly missed the trip. Yeah, because you could drink, you'd get drunk on Ripple. You'd drink water. The next day you'd get two drunks for the price of one, you know. And I used to walk along Catalina Avenue at that time with a paper sack. Now, I don't consider myself a wino. I guess I was a winette at that time of my life.

That was back in the 60s. And I would walk along Catalina Avenue with that paper sack and, and giving all the cars a finger and, and not knowing where I fit. That was one of the horrible, horriblest feelings I can ever, you know. I never knew where I fit. I didn't fit with you Americans, because all you ever talked about was education. If you don't have any education, my God, you don't fit, you know.

There's nothing to talk about. And I didn't want to be Irish, because all they did was change addresses. They moved here and they changed addresses and they behaved the same way here as they did over there, you know. So I took the lesson to evils. I started running around with Mexicans. I don't know if you've got any Mexicans out here in Oklahoma, but my best friend in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous happens to be Angie, and Angie's Mexican.

And Angie and I sat down one day and we kind of dissected the two nationalities and, and what we came up with. The only difference between the Irish and the Mexicans is that we ate potatoes and they ate beans, you know. They drink hard, love hard, and beat the hell out of you on Saturday night whether you need it or not. And I had long left these people and I moved to, I'd taken several geographicals, that's a new word I learned here in Alcoholics Anonymous, I used to just move.

And I, I, this guy was drinking in the morning and I was only drinking in the afternoon and, you know, he was weird. And I learned to speak Spanish like I was a native to the tongue, except I learned all the swear words. I didn't learn anything real good. And so he introduced me to the morning drink and it was very, very exciting time of my life. It was getting beat up and jumping out of cars and, and it was absolutely total insanity, but I thought this was living.

This is what everybody does and I ended up over in Gardena and I got to thinking one day that, you know, I've been running around with this guy long enough and we ought to get married. And so I hitchhiked from Gardena all the way over to Torrance, La Mida to find him and I found him. Now I took a half a gallon of Red Mountain wine to get the courage, you see I always had a lot of false courage when I drank and, and I found him.

Now you could smell me way before you could see me and, and I proposed to him and he,

[00:40:03]

he looked at me and he said he wouldn't marry me and I was handed to him in a silver platter. Now I don't know how you handle rejection, but I don't handle real well and, and I absolutely, all I know is the, the emotion I owned the most was that I got really enraged and I thought how dare you and, and I got him in the car that night now and he was very, very drunk and, and I got him on the Harbor Freeway and I drove and I had the bottle of wine between my legs and so I had it and I was drinking out of that and I turned the wheel of the car and I decided we're going to kill this guy.

One less Mexican in this world and we'd all be better off, you know, and, and that, you know, if that's not insanity, I had no idea that I was going to get hurt. I was just going to kill him, you know, I mean, I was going to walk away from this thing and he was going to be dead and I was going to be free, you see. It was my idea. I took a 25 feet of guardrail and went down 30 feet in the bankman and I thought I killed me a Mexican.

Now what I learned out of that folks is if you're going to kill one Mexican, you got to kill the whole family, you know, because they don't take too kindly to you messing with their people for some reason or another, even if they do call you Andy the Irish Mexican, you know, they get very, very upset about that. I also learned that when you run into Mexican people, you don't ever yell cop and I yell cop and it was downtown one time in Long Beach and you used to have telephone booths in California, you don't see too many of them anymore, they've got all these little fancy little things and, and he kicked the door and he kicked me and I yelled uncle.

You see, I have no illusions, there's not something missing up here and normal people get out of those places and they run. I didn't, I call out of the phone booth and I go to the bar he's at and I said, let's have a drink and we'll discuss this, you know, and we have a drink and we discuss it. I learned in that inventory, I will stay somewhere forever. I'm absolutely terrified, terrified of being abandoned.

I'm absolutely so scared of being abandoned. I don't care what you do to me, just don't leave me and I've had to experience some of that here in Alcoholics Anonymous when you're new and they tell you that you have to let go of all your old ideas and they tell you that, you know, and you get to know some people and, and all of a sudden they're going to move to another state and, and I used to just literally die and I realize here that, that you don't abandon me here, that you just go on to do what you have to do and, and someone new comes into my life and you will walk with me maybe sometimes a long time and sometimes a very short time and some of you will never walk with me, but we come together because we're alcoholics and we have something in common here.

I ended up in Phoenix, Arizona with this guy and I got very, very drunk, very belligerent and, and I, I was in a blackout and I went out to the backseat of a car to pass out and four guys came out after me and, and they pulled me out of the backseat of the car and to this day I don't know what I said, but, you know, people don't like you saying things to their wives and especially, I had a mouth like a truck driver.

You know, a guy told me, Bob Lemke told me the first time he ever heard me talk, he said the paint fell off the walls and, I mean, I talked like that for a long time, even Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't know how to talk any other way, to be honest with you, I couldn't put a sentence together without using those long four-letter words and so I, and I know today that it's really a defense mechanism and I always know where my emotional state is when I start using a lot of swear words, it's usually something's not quite, I'm not at ease or something's not quite right with me and, and I, I gauge how I am and how much serenity I don't have from that in my program today, but I ended up in Arizona at that time and the guys came out and pulled me out of the backseat of the car and they beat the hell out of me is what they did and, and they worked me over, I had a real other strong thing inside of me, I antagonized, I antagonized you to hit me so that you would, and I did it well, I did it real well and I thought if you would just kill that part of me and I wanted somebody to kill that part of me that kept screwing up and I found out here in Alcoholics Anonymous that if you kill that part of me you kill all of me because that's the 5% of me that you love here in Alcoholics Anonymous, that sick neurotic part of me that you've made me whole because of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and these guys worked me over good and this one guy said we'll go get the truck and we'll run over her and as the truck came and these headlights are coming and, and I roll off the dirt road, these guys jump and they run and I roll off the dirt road and, and I get off that dirt road and my hair is full of gravel and, and my face looks like that truck ran over me and I have no idea where I am, I'm by, I'm the type of drunk, I live by four mailboxes of Ralph's Market or some sign, I never knew where I lived and here I am somewhere in Arizona and I'm never going to get back to Los Angeles and I walk along the dirt road and the guy comes along and he picks me up and, and we go to a, to a liquor store and we pick up a bottle of wine and we go to a dirty motel and that's how I learned to solve my problems, I have no idea how to solve my problems until I come to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and when I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you don't hear it talked about too much today or either that I'm not hearing it or.

About So Much Today, Or Either That I'm Not Hearing It, Or I'm Not Listening Well Enough, Or Maybe It Doesn't Apply To Me Today, But When I, And I Really Believe, For Me It Does Apply.

[00:45:01]

Please Turn Your Tape, Do Not Rewind. Turn Your Tape And Continue On Slide 2. And to Alcoholics Anonymous, you talk a great deal about dying. And I know what it's like to die. I know what it's like to die when you're out there drinking, and I know what it's like to die when you're sitting here in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and those people tell you you have to die to your old ideas. And you're absolutely, totally terrified, because you know where your old ideas are going to take you, and you most certainly don't have any idea what those new ideas that these people are talking about.

And I died an inch at a time sitting in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was absolutely terrified, and I would just, I was so afraid to risk, to step out and try some of the things that you would suggest to me. And I was so afraid that if I did it and it worked, you know, I might have to do it again, for crying out loud. I knew where my old ideas took me, and I knew what kind of agony went along with those old ideas.

I didn't know what your new ideas and what kind of agony went along with those, you know, and I wanted a guarantee, and yet the guarantee was right before my eyes, sitting in meetings and seeing people's lives working for them. I ended up in this little room, and I died a thousand times in this little room. It was in Gardena, and the only time I was ever free of my fear and my feeling of inadequacy and the shame and who I was.

I walked around most of my life with my head hanging down, just knowing there was something really terribly wrong with me, and I just didn't fit for some reason or another. And it was those people's fault. It had to be, it couldn't be my fault. My God, it had to be my mother, it had to be my father, it had to be an absolutely insane family that I came from, and all of that upbringing in that church and the Catholics.

You know, I was seven years sober. I was still calling the Catholics, telling them, the Catholic priest that blessed us Archimedes, it was their fault or I was the way I was. I was seven years sober doing that. I was sharing that with them, and I thought, my God, it took me a long time to make some progress here in Alcoholics Anonymous, so if you're new, you know, you have time, all the time in the world here.

I ended in that little room, and I died a thousand times in that little room, and I had a hot plate, and I had a sink, and I had a gal named Annie, and I had to go down the halls to take a shower, and I used to have, I was terrified I would start drinking to go down the halls to take a shower, and I'd always overshoot the mark. I never got down the halls to take a shower, because I always got drunk instead.

I remember in that little room, I remember one night, lying in that bed, sucking off a vodka bottle. I couldn't seem to be able to keep people in my life, you know, we used and abused people for some reason, and I didn't have any friends, and I remember lying in that bed, and I remember sucking on that vodka bottle, and I remember screaming inside if I could find somebody to understand me. All I ever wanted was one person, and I remember getting out of that bed, and I remember putting on those rubber go-aheads, and I remember putting on that old t-shirt and those pair of pants, and heading out on that street one more time on Western Avenue over there in Gardena, and heading out on that street to find that person to understand me, and I always found them, and it always ended up the same way, and I always ended up with my mouth cut in the way, and I got drunk, and I got belligerent one more time, and I got beat up, and thrown up one more time, and I never asked for rooms for people to understand me, and I know that no matter where I go in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've been a few places in Alcoholics Anonymous, that I have not yet run into any one of you that did not understand where I come from and how I feel, and that's truly, truly a gift.

I only wanted one, and I got rooms of people, rooms no matter where I go, I got rooms full of people that understand me today. I ended up to people, very important people come into my life at that time, and the girl's name was Carol Poole, and the other girl's name was Ann Wilson, and Ann Wilson, Carol Poole taught me how to write, she knew that I did not know how to write my name, I could not even write my name at that time in my life, I used to do things, put bandages on my arms, and cut my fingers, and did all kinds of things, and I'd take applications to this little girl, I used to think she was so much younger than me, I think she was all of probably a year or two younger than me, and I was so old at that time in my life, I was never, never young, I never felt young, and I, she found out, she knew that I could not know how to read, and I didn't know how to write, and that girl set hours, I can't begin to tell you the hours that that little girl sat with me and taught me how to write my name, and this other girl took me out of that room, she thought I was going to die in that room, and she packed me up, and I had a paper sack, and it was a Ralph's Market, that's what I had, it was a paper sack, and I had a green card, and she moved me to Long Beach, and I knew it was those Mexicans that I was running around with, and if I could get away from those Mexicans, my life would be different, and I moved over to Long Beach, and I was there for, I ended up down in Anaheim Street, and Anaheim Street is not a very nice place to be, and while I was down in Anaheim Street, this skinny, puny little guy came down there,

[00:50:00]

and he asked me to date him, and I asked him if he had a job, and he said, no, he didn't work, and I said, well, I don't date guys who don't work, you've got to find a job, and he's been working ever since, and he ain't skinny, he ain't puny anymore, and, but I did the one thing, this man was very kind, and very loving, and very gentle, and I don't know how to be around people who are kind, and loving, and gentle, and that was one of the hardest lessons that I've had to learn here in Alcoholics Anonymous, is to let those things come up, I know how to be angry, and I know how to be rough, and I know how to be all of those things, but to be gentle, and to be kind, and understanding, has been a very, very difficult one for me, and I didn't know how to be around those kind of people, and like I told you, you know, I knew how to get you, and I got him, and I bring out the finer character defects in other people, and he wanted to get married, and nobody ever wanted to marry me, nobody ever wanted to marry me, believe me, why would they marry me, and I said to Norm Alfie one time, I said, nobody ever took me out to dinner, and Norm or bought me anything, and he said, they didn't have to, Annie, you know, it was there, and I thought, all right, you know, so I, he gave me two of the nicest shots I ever owned, and I knew that we were in love, and we would have to get married, and we were in love, and we got married, and we went back to Minnesota, and he started to take bottles out of my purse, and he started telling me when I could drink, and when I couldn't drink, and it was absolutely, I decided I made a terrible mistake, and both his parents are dead today, and they were very, very nice people, but I didn't understand them, I didn't know how to be around nice people, his mother didn't drink, she didn't smoke, she didn't gossip, she went to church on Sundays, she didn't screw around, I had absolutely nothing in common with her, and she kind of looked at me and thought, my God, what did he bring home, you know, I mean, and it was a real strange thing, he was going to be my savior, he was taking me away from all those terrible people in Long Beach, and an amazing thing happened, all those people moved to Minnesota, to this little town, and, you know, the names were different, the faces were different, but they were drunks, you know, they say the birds of a feather were flocked together, and I found them there too, and five months into this marriage, I decided I have to divorce this man, and head back to California, and find that Mexican that really loved me, and I had another one of those brainstorms, and I decided what I needed was a baby, and I got pregnant, and I, right after I found out I was pregnant, I don't want to be pregnant anymore, you know, and the doctor I went to put me a beer and wine, I was to have one glass of wine a day, and one beer a day, and I was having a six pack a day, and half a gallon a day, I spent that nine months by the toilet bowl, I never felt life, that child was so sedated, she never kicked or anything, she never moved, you know, I thought she was, there was nothing in there, the fetus was dead, and I'd be running back and forth to the doctor, and he would say how much you drink, and I said just that one glass of wine you told me to have, you know, and I was absolutely, that was an insane time in my life at that time, there was five other girls in that apartment building that had babies, and they all went into the hospital, and they all were so happy, you know, and they told me that I would grow up if I had a baby, and they lied one more time, you know, I don't know why they were always lying to me, and they came out of the home with those babies, and they were just so happy with their babies, and I went in and I had my baby, and they put that baby in my arm, and I didn't get those feelings that those mothers talked about, I was in overjoyed, and I didn't feel this wonderful feeling of love, and everything was going to be wonderful, I got an overwhelming feeling of responsibility, and what do we do now, and we took that baby home, and I want it to be a good mommy, and I don't know what a good mommy is, but I want it to be it, and I almost killed that little girl, I was, very quickly became a child abuser, and I really believe that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous saves me one more time, because in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that we cannot transmit something we don't have, and I could not transmit something to this child that I did not have, and I'm so grateful to the women in Alcoholics Anonymous, because they nurtured me, and they mothered me, and they gave me something, so today I don't try to be a parent to my children, I've got three beautiful children, I almost killed them trying to be a mother, whatever a good mommy is, and this girl today, she's 20 years of age, and she just got accepted to USC, and she's a straight A student, and she got to go to Cambridge last year for a semester, and I look at this kid, and she's not mine, I brought her into this world, but she really belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous, because it was the women that I was so in tight with in those days that helped me raise these children, nothing to do with me, they just helped me, I used to bring this kid to meetings, and Dorothy Patrick just passed away, and I love Dorothy, she was a beautiful, beautiful woman, and I would just kind of take Audrey, and I would push her onto Dorothy, all my kids were nurtured by the women in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I rebused this little girl, and I beat on her, and I remember when she was six months old, I remember sitting in this chair screaming,

[00:55:02]

I hated God, I hated him, I hated him with everything I owned, I hated him, and I couldn't understand why he ever made somebody like me, why wasn't I like Frances downstairs, and Linda, and Helen, why wasn't I like those girls? They just seemed to do it so well, and I'm sitting there with this baby and a half a gallon of wine, just drinking out of the bottle, and I wanted, I had just beaten on her, and I'm screaming at God, and I'm saying, why can't I be like those people?

And I remember when I was 19 years of age, I remember going to the psychiatrist, and I remember when I ran off the freeway with that guy, and I remember when they gave me the last rites, because I almost died, I was bleeding internally, and I lay in that bed at that time, you had to have your parents' permission, and they wanted to send a telegram to my parents to get permission to do surgery, and I said, you can't do that, I said, I would rather die, because they would never understand, and I wanted to die at 19, because I figured life was too hard, and it was too rough, and I didn't know how to handle it, and I would soon be dead, I just couldn't seem to fit, and life, I just couldn't do it, and that priest came to me and gave me the last rites, and he sat by my bed, and because I'd gone to him, and I had tried to get some help, and he sat by my bed, and he gave me a rosary, and he said, Annie, he said, Shirley, if you die tonight, Shirley, you will burn in the fires of hell, he said, because of some of the things that you're doing in your life.

I remember getting that rosary, I remember picking it up, and I remember throwing it at that priest, and I remember saying to him, you take your rosary, and you take your God, you get the hell out of my life, because if there is such a place called hell, I'm living it, I'm living it right between my ears, I'm living it, and I would like to tell you my life got better then, but that was the turning point for whatever I was to do.

I didn't end up in mental hospitals, and I didn't end up in jails, and it's not necessary for me to end up in those things, my total insanity was right between my ears, the mental anguish and the stuff that went on inside of me was absolutely more than I could bear. I picked that baby up that night, and I threw her in bed, and I continued to do the things I was to do, and I told that man that if he would work, he had found his escape, and his escape was to work nights, and he was going out of that house a lot, and I would tell him that if he would work days, and if he would get me a little house, and it was all those little things that was going to make it different, and yes, it did make it different, and I ended up in this little house, and it didn't get any better.

I started to leave home, and I would go to Vegas for ten days at a time, and I'd call him up, and I'd say, if you straighten up and fly right, I will come back, and I started to call the cops and tell them that he was drunk and disorderly, and he wasn't drunk and disorderly. It was me that was drunk and disorderly. He tried to get out of the house because he wouldn't let me out. He tried to keep me in the house, and I wanted to get out, you know, and he'd say, if you don't drink at home, and I would start drinking at home, but there's nobody home to tell you how wonderful you are, you know, I mean, they just don't.

They just tell you, you know, you had enough, and I had to get out. I had to run, and I had to run because I couldn't stand being in me, and I did that when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I ran, and I ran, and I ran to a lot of meetings until one day I could not run anymore, and I had to find me. I ended up, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, he gave me an ultimatum, and the ultimatum was I was to do something, or he was going to take that little girl, and he was going to move, and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I called that morning, and I remember calling, and I remember they were going to send somebody out, and I remember that immediately feeling. You ever did that when you call, and you say, oh, my God, what did I do now? Why did I do that, you know? And I thought, now they're going to come out, and I can't call them back to tell them not to tell her, and so the woman comes out, and the house looks a bomb's hit it, and there's a half a gallon of wine sitting on the table, and this woman, I thought, they'll send somebody out, you know, like me, you know, my age, and this woman is English.

I mean, she's got a Cockney accent like she just got off the boat, and, you know, immediately I decided I don't like the English, you know, don't they know that I'm Irish, you know, I was raised hating the English, and she had a hundred years sobriety, if not more, and I, you know, and she had something called night blindness, and so that day he got home from work, and I waited. I immediately wanted her to fix me.

I, you know, I had to be fixed right now, and I waited for her to fix me because he's coming home, and I've got to be fixed, and she handed me a directory, and I didn't know at that time what she was handing me was my wand, the magic wand she was handing to me, and I wanted her to fix me right now. And he took me to my first meeting that night, this other girl. She said, I don't go to meetings at night.

You have to call this other girl, and I called this other gal, and he came home, and I've never seen him smile since. I mean, he was so happy we were going to go to this AAA, and he was, he said he would take me down to the meeting, and, of course, he didn't trust me because I, whenever I went

[01:00:18]

and I was just so full of anger and he's running around telling everybody I'm a newcomer and I left that meeting that night and I thought my god I don't want to be an alcoholic and you know what am I going to do I can't imagine life not drinking and so I went to that one meeting for a couple of weeks and then I immediately put him in the hospital because he had a bad back and I went out and got drunk and this is exactly what I wanted to do and and that was in September of 1967 and he came home from the hospital and he said you're drunk and I said yes I said Dean I've been going down to that meeting and I said all of those people cannot be that happy and not drink and I keep waiting for them to share with me what they've got and they won't share it so I got my own and he said Annie those people don't drink he said that's what Alcoholics Anonymous means and so I left and and what was so important was at that time there was a gal his name was Carolyn C and and Carolyn was the gal that took me to those meetings and and Carolyn called me in that eight months she would call me at least once a week or maybe once a month and I would say to her I only had a couple of drinks today and she'd say Annie I'm not interested in your drinking I want to be your friend. God I longed for a friend but the price to be her friend was too high and the price to be her friend meant that I would have to go to those meetings and I didn't want to go to those meetings and I'd go off the phone I'd say yeah I bet she wants to be my friend she wants me to go to those goddamn AA meetings and I'm not an alcoholic and so I called this friend of mine up in Long Beach who I knew was definitely alcoholic and I said I mean you're an alcoholic and you ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and she said okay and I knew it was a recruiting thing and I would recruit somebody for you and get you off my case and so I called Carolyn back and I said I found somebody for you really found this gal for you and she said good I'll come and get both of you and she stopped I thought both of us and I I couldn't tell her no I wasn't going and I said okay so we went to a meeting and we took me over to Anaheim to a meeting and that night there was another gal there was Sue M and we were coming out of that meeting and Sue came up to me and she came close to me and she didn't touch me she just came real close I think she knew not to touch and she came real close and she said Annie when are you coming back and I said I'm not an alcoholic she is look at her and I was to continue to drink for the next 17 years and I ended up for the next 12 years she's not drinking today and she's sober and stayed alive and I don't ask me how but she did and and I continued to drink and and my last drunk was not my worst drunk but it was the drunk that got me here and it's the drunk I hope that's going to keep me here because that my life has never been so good as it has been here in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm almost out of time because I don't want you all to think you're having a spiritual awakening when that bell rings but I just want to share this with you and I most certainly don't want to think we're all going to church you know I think my God I am my last drunk was my last drunk and I hope it is my last drunk and I really believe I probably have another drunk in me I most certainly do not have another recovery in me I could not go through some of this stuff I've had to go through here this process that they kept talking about when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I thought if they tell me one more time about this process I'll kill them you know I mean there is a process you know I get to say that now and now that I've gone through the process and I am I was on Sunday morning June 16th and I had been on a four-day drunk and one more time Dean told me he'd stop in that time that we had gone to those meetings in that eight months he stopped chasing me in bars and he stopped running me down and trying to find me he stopped picking me I fell a couple times out of bed and I'd lie there in my puke and he'd leave me there and then I knew that he hated me and and on that Sunday morning on June 16th I I knew that it was over I had ended up leaving four bars that night and ended up people some guy had beat the hell out of me and I thought being married gave me a license to say whatever I wanted to say to you and this girl took me home and dropped me off and I wasn't drunk nor was I sober and I went into the house and I called Ireland I used to call Ireland a lot to tell them what a rotten deal they'd given me and my father hung up on me and he said I he just hung up and he said I hope that man straightens you out and beats you up or whatever he said and my neighbor came across the street and she told me to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous and she located Dean he came home and he took a look at me and he turned around and walked out and I sat there and I don't know what happened between two o'clock in the next morning but something happened and I woke up the next morning and I saw where I was going and I didn't want to go I didn't want to go back to Beacon Street in San Pedro nor did I want to go back to Anaheim Street in Long Beach and this little girl is standing there my little daughter with her legs all black and blue and her diapers half off and her eyes kind of sunken in her head and he's sitting over in the chair and he's ringing his

[01:05:17]

hands and I'm telling him I saw and they tell me that is a moment of clarity here in Alcoholics Anonymous and I told him I said I'm going to call that gal that wants to be my friend and he said you go right ahead you've never completed anything in your life and you won't stay there either and I said I'm not doing it for you and I'm not doing it for her I've got to go see I can't stand it and I went to that phone and I called that gal I wanted to be my friend and she came and got me and she took me to a Sunday morning meeting and I sat by the door and I sat my hands because I was shaking so bad and I sat by the door because I had been very very sick the night before I always got very very sick and I sat my hands and the man stood up here from like I am today and I heard what he said and he said and I really believe that that was for me I wanted he said that I had suffered from a threefold disease and I believe that some more and more today I need Alcoholics Anonymous more today than I did when I got here if you really want to know the truth I've got a lot more to lose now than I did when I got here and he said I suffer from a threefold disease it was analogy the body couple known session of the mind I was spiritually sick he told me that was the first drink that got me drunk not the second or the third it was the first drink that got me drunk and he told me that I could get sober and I could stay sober and one day at a time the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I was to go to meetings the same way I drank now I'm a daily drinker and a periodic drunk and I walked out of that meeting and I want you to know that I wanted to drink God I wanted to drink.

I wanted to drink more than anything in my life I wanted to drink because I wanted that man that morning to stop my head from racing so fast and take the knot out of the pit of my gut and make those shakes go away and he hadn't done any of those things he just told me that if I didn't take the first drink I wouldn't get drunk and I went out that door and I wanted to drink more than anything and I remember what the man said you don't take the first drink and you don't get drunk and you go to another meeting and I went to another meeting.

I'd like to tell you that I climbed the 12 golden steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's been wonderful ever since it was heartbreaking for me when I found out that the illusion for me had to be smashed that I had to be smashed that life goes on and things happen to us and people die and people leave and children go wrong and people get divorced and we don't drink and that's the bottom line here is that we don't drink I gave birth to a baby boy nine months sober and nine months pregnant and when I got out of that to see my first nine months of sobriety I said I stayed sober but I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic I was absolutely totally obsessed with drinking and when I had that baby boy it was something very spiritual happened for me and what happened for me and I didn't get that loving feelings like the mothers talked about here in Alcoholics Anonymous one more time I didn't get it what I got was I admitted to my normal self I was an alcoholic and that is the first step in recovery for me and I brought that baby home from the hospital and I'd like to tell you that I was a good mommy to him and I was and I abused that child too I got three children my oldest girl is doing very well my son is doing very well today he has perceptual problem and we took care of that he got a lot of help in his younger years of school and he's doing very well in school today he's got an attitude problem but most 18 year olds has attitude problems and my 16 my 16 year old is very much like me she is planning to drink and smoke yeah and when if she gets into trouble with alcohol she will come to Alcoholics Anonymous it's real simple you know and that wouldn't it be nice if we all thought of it that way that would be so simple because by the time we're in trouble with it we don't want to come to Alcoholics Anonymous because the first thing most of us suffers from is I don't got it you may have it but I don't got it and I had these two kids and I was two and a half years sober and I am so grateful for sponsors and Alcoholics Anonymous I am truly truly grateful that I had a wonderful sponsor and this woman had five kids and that woman was there every time I called her and I did not change I did not change I didn't I surrendered my alcoholism but I was more insane now than I was when I first got to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I got to tell you this part of my life because if you're new here today and you expect everything to change overnight I wanted 10 years and 10 minutes and it doesn't work that way you get 10 years one day at a time and the days go into weeks and the weeks go into months and the months go into years and all of a sudden you have that time but until that time you do not have that and I was two and a half years sober and I beat my son and I beat him and I absolutely his eyes rolled back on his head because I suffered from a thing called rage and when I lost it I lost it and the rage in me I used to go blackouts with rage inside of me and this man came to the door he's 10 miles away from home but he came

[01:10:00]

to my door on that particular day to have a cup of coffee and he knocked on that door and he found what was going on and he took that baby away from me and he said you go to a meeting and I called Mary Lee and Mary Lee came and got me and I went to a meeting that night and I went into a meeting and I said someone's got to help me she's got to help me I cannot live the way I'm living and try and stay sober and the rage what you didn't know was there I was pacing and I knew I was different here and Alcoholics Anonymous and there's a guy over on our way in Los Angeles that says that that kills more alcoholics because we all think we're different our cases are different we're not different and I'm not different I just suffer from the same disease as you do and I went into that meeting and and I said somebody helped me you promised me there is promises in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and you promised me you promised me peace of mind you promised me I would intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me you promised me the fear of people and economic insecurity would leave me and I'm absolutely worse off now than I was when I got to you I am not functioning very well at all and this woman said something to me and I ran out of that meeting and the lady came out after me and her name was Edna and I started to cry and I couldn't cry when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because to me crying was a sign of weakness and I had not cried for many many years I would stand in meetings and I would white knuckle and I would say there was a man in my home group his name was Walt Stiles and Walt would sit down for a podium of Alcoholics Anonymous and he would start crying because he was so full of gratitude and I would get a hair would stand on my arms and I'd say why does he cry and I started to cry and I learned through tears that tears are truly the cleansing of your soul God does not make tears for nothing he makes them because they are a cleansing of one's soul and I would cry in that woman's arms and I thought I was never going to stop crying and she took me to Orange County and through a psychologist and through that woman and I mentioned Edna every chance I get Edna was nine years sober and Edna committed suicide after three months she gave me life I've got out life here in Alcoholics Anonymous I always relate to that part in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says and there are those of us who have felt that we were reborn here and I'm one of those that's always felt I was reborn that night that Edna held me Edna gave me life that night I ended up with that guy and I ended up for two years with that man and I found the power within me I found the power that you talk about here in Alcoholics Anonymous and I knew that you had it and I didn't and I believe today that we see when we're ready to see and we're here when we're ready to see and I also believe today that that there is people in Alcoholics Anonymous who know and there is people who don't know and I am one of those that do know I know where my source of power comes from and I know that if I have no illusions none whatsoever but I have really truly truly have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual maintenance and if I come back here and my spirit is fed through you people here in Alcoholics Anonymous that's the only way I'm going to survive there's a lot of people that come to Alcoholics Anonymous and they get theirs and they move on and I don't ever want to move on I have found a haven here I found a home here and I'm comfortable and I'm safe I am so safe here I am truly truly Annie when I'm around you because you have allowed me to come out and to be me I just want to share one other little thing with you and how I learned to love here in Alcoholics Anonymous I was a little girl that came to a program and she I was five years sober nobody ever asked me to be their sponsor and this little gal asked me to be her sponsor and old-timers used to get those newcomers and move them away from me because it was so terrified I was going to contaminate them and so this little gal asked me to be her sponsor and I said I would sponsor her and Cindy had used a lot of LSD and a lot of drugs and she came into a meeting one night and she sat by the door and I I couldn't love you I didn't know what it was I did not know what it was I couldn't love my own children never mind loving you you know love to me was a word that was a word that you used to get something from me or for somebody to get me into bed or or whatever but it wasn't it wasn't an emotion for me and I didn't like it I didn't like when people said they loved me because it bothered me because I thought what did they want from me I've learned here you don't want nothing from me all you want from me is the best you don't want a thing from me you just love me because you want to love me and you want to give me and you wanted me to grow and you want me to change and this little gal came in and I walked she was hallucinating and I walked out of that meeting with Cindy and I never felt this and I sat down on the floor with her and I rocked her like a baby and she looked at me the bluest eyes I've ever seen in anybody and she said Annie you love me so much and it was like electricity going through me and it was a really really god-given thing because I could feel it in the hair still my arms and the tears went down my face and I said god Cindy I do I felt love for another human being I felt love for another human being for the first time in my life.

And, you know, when I'm loving me, I'm loving you, too. But when I'm not loving me, I'm not loving you. And I realized that night that I really loved Annie and that I cared about Annie.

[01:15:01]

My father died from this disease of alcoholism. My father died six years ago. I've had a lot of deaths in my family in the last couple of years. My brother, my sister, died of cancer of the breast, and alcoholism runs rampant through her family. And that's a whole other story. And four months later, my brother died from cancer. But when my dad was alive, I went home when I was 11 years sober. And if you're new here, don't have expectations because they'll kill you.

And I went home, and I expected. I believe there's only two kinds of alcoholics and Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's male and female. And I need the male as much as I need the female in my life today. I've had a lot of brothers, and I've had a lot of fathers. And I've had a lot of good friends in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the same way with the women in Alcoholics Anonymous. We mother and we nurture each other.

But I went home, and I wanted something from my dad. I wanted to hear him say that he loved me. I never heard that from my dad. And then we were home, and he was very, very sick at this time. And it was seven of us home. And he called us all in the bedroom, and he told us he hated every one of us. He hated every one of us, and every one of us was terrible mistakes, and every one of us should have been drowned at birth.

And the only word I heard was mistake. You see, all my life I knew I was a mistake until I came to you. And what you told me was that I was not a mistake, that God does not make mistakes. And my brothers reached for a drink, and I stood there, and it was like someone's sticking a knife in my heart, and I said, God, I don't want to be a mistake. I never want to be a mistake again. And I read a lot today, because I learned to read.

And I read a lot of books, and I read a lot of junk, and I read a lot of spiritual, a lot of self-help books, and I found that the only book that all the answers are in for me today, and the old-timers told me that, but I had to find that out for myself, was in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. But there in Gibran, in the prophet, there's a line in there, and it says, that our children come through us, they're not of us.

And you see, I came through those people. I'm not of those people. I'm of the people of Alcoholics Anonymous, because you are the people. You're the ones that walk the extra mile with me when nobody else would walk with me. You're the ones that sat and held my hand when nobody else would sit and hold my hand. You're the ones that saw an Annie that nobody else could ever see. And you pull her out, and she walks tall with dignity today, because I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I want to thank you for my life, and for so many, many other things you've given me. And I hope if you're new here today, that you find just one fourth of what I find here. I am so in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. I live, and I breathe it, and I love it. And I'm never going to go away. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you, Annie. That was beautiful. On behalf of the Canyon Conference, I'd like to present you with this gift.

Benoit, I want you to be honest now in front of the whole group. Did you really make this? Benoit, did I say be honest? Your sponsor is sitting next to you. Thank you very, very much. I love it. I wish I could read the name on it. Make or pour the shame. Let's close this meeting in the usual manner, please, with the Lord's Prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

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For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen. Repeat after me. It works.