Audio
Transcript
Source: Luke B – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-08-14.m4a File: luke-b-box-of-chocolates-2025-08-14.mp3 Duration: 00:50:54
============================================================
Eddie. Can y'all hear me OK? Sorry. OK, let me know if the connection gets bad, I'll switch over to my phone. Thank you, Ramona. Thank you for your service. And thank you, Steven and Ned, for your service. And thank you all for being here. My name is Luke Berry. It's a pleasure to be here tonight. It's an honor to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I mean, whether it's being the greeter of a home group, chairing a meeting or getting involved in service when asked and needed, because I definitely needed it. I don't know what the answer is to what is your life worth, right?
How much more do I need to do or should I do? So I just do more. That's the next thing. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous keeps doing for me. It's giving me more. More opportunities, more experiences, as long as I'm willing to participate in the whole process. And it's been a beautiful thing. Not always a beautiful thing, but in recent years, a much more beautiful thing for sure. And I'm grateful for it.
I have a sobriety date. I'm told that's important. It's January 27th, 2014. I have a sponsor, too. Who knows that he's my sponsor? I'm told that's important. And I have a sponsor in this fellowship. And it's the greatest joy. Greatest joy of my life, really. Most beneficial thing I can do. It gets me out of me, reminds me where I can quickly be and what I need to do. And it gets me connected with somebody else that maybe I can help or that maybe gets help.
Anyway, but it is an extra pleasure to be here tonight. There's a whole lot going on today with people in my life, some in my family, people close to me. Just a lot of hard conversations, heavy conversations, rather, happen throughout the day to day. So I'm really looking forward to getting here with you guys. I'm out in Arizona on a month-long vacation. It's been the last week of my vacation. It's nice to be welcome in your family, too. You know what I mean?
Very much so. Not only welcomed, but to get asked to be involved in things like weddings and birthday parties. For family members to actually get upset because you didn't spend enough time with them. You know, trying to split my time between people versus because you showed up. It's a good life today. It's a very good life today. I do have the honor of serving Area 1. It's Alabama and Northwest Florida.
That's the Panel 75 delegate, which means beginning of this year. I began my term and I'll serve through the end of next year. And it's just an amazing time. All throughout my sobriety, I've served in a lot of service positions. I'm a group at the district in an area and people always ask me, what's my what's my favorite position that I've ever served in? And I mean, I've come to find out each time somebody asked me that it was my current.
And it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realized the reason why it continued to be my current position was my favorite. It's because they get me. It continues to get me connected with more people. Have more people in my life that I get to experience what they're going through to be a part of that, to see people recover, to see people who have recovered. I mean, just a much wider. Much wider family.
Right. And it's just getting connected with more people. I think that's why it continues to be just my favorite. Right. The next thing. The more of you. More relationships. Because of the daily routine that I never wanted to do any that I never wanted. I never wanted anything to do with. I get to be a part of your life today. I get to be in it, not just on the outside. It's like. Truly do so. Sponsored what you mean, had a bunch of service positions, all these different things.
And what that qualifies me to do is pour a cup of coffee to shake that person, a new guy who walks in the meeting. But it qualifies me to do because we're all here for the same reason on the same plane. Same problem. Same solution. No hierarchy. Even though we have more experienced members who may lead and guide others. We're all here together, shoulder to shoulder, walking this journey together. And that's the most beautiful thing about this, I think.
[00:04:59]
And. Yeah, I didn't know that walking in the door because we sure do have some people in these rooms who are better than me and you.
[00:05:09]
Right. I was one of those people for a long time. It's my goal to be better than you. And I really felt like I was. But it was my goal to be better. I saw people. There was a hierarchy. Those people were in charge. Those people were important. And I wanted to be important. And I needed to be important. Today, the most important thing I could do is is listen. Right. Is to be there. Be helpful, to be present.
Service to God and the people in my life. Not decide. Insert myself in your life and decide what you need from me. That's what I did for a long time to try to be helpful. I'm going to show you how I'll be helpful. I'll show you. Get out of my way. Let's show you how you need me to be. But anyway, very grateful for life today. For the life that has given me and I do things like a gratitude inventory to make sure my actions match my words.
Right. To make sure you can see that I'm grateful. Not just hear me tell you. Do things like a three column gratitude inventory instead of a gratitude list for a long time. I did a gratitude list because my father told me to. But I couldn't have him telling people I wasn't doing it. You know, so I would just write down stuff to check it off the list. And what I was really writing is a list of things that I should be grateful for.
I didn't really have the capacity. For much gratitude. And I found later on in sobriety that that just wasn't enough or was searching for a way to get more out of it. So now I'll write down what I'm grateful for, why I'm grateful for it, and then ask myself. And then the third column, write down what actions am I taking to show my gratitude. It's been a pretty big change in my sobriety in my life. To go from from just writing it down to get it over with, actually having a gratitude experience.
But but it didn't start out this way. Yeah, I was. I grew up in Memphis, you know, and I was born at a very young age. And I couldn't even walk for my first two years of life. It was rough. Life was hard. So after a couple of years old, you know, things started kind of going along pretty good. And. And from two to six, you know, I was just a happy go lucky kid. I don't remember having any insecurities. I don't remember feeling less than I don't remember any of those things.
Some stuff happened in my house. I got a bad report card and I came home and I got extremely physically punished for the first time in my life. And to me, it was out of the blue. It was out of nowhere. And my dad just. What a. What a really excessive whooping on me. So I felt it today. He was going to jail right back then. It's just. You know, it's just what. Anyway, so I'm getting in that moment. After that, my hero, the one I looked up to look forward to seeing when I came home, I was immediately terrified.
Less than my own skin. I didn't feel I mean, I just didn't feel good enough. I was insecure and all these feelings flood in. So I go to school and I don't want to do this again. I don't want to let him down again. I don't want to be. I don't want to get in trouble for sure again. And I was so consumed with anxiety and fear and everything that I'd sit in front of the class in the front of the class.
And. Throughout the whole hour, I would stare straight through the teacher just trying to do good. I wouldn't retain anything. So at the end of the class, I had no information. I couldn't do a homework. I couldn't do things. So another bad report card would come. Another beating would come. And this was a management on and on for about four years. And that's how my life went. I walked on eggshells throughout my life. I was terrified.
I couldn't build a relationship or I didn't. And I'm just miserable, uncomfortable. Again, I did anything and everything I could do to not be at home alone with my own thoughts, whether sports or hobbies or anything at all. And so about four years later, my dad and mom got divorced and my dad left my life. So I never addressed any of these issues that I had a feeling that I just stuffed them down and kept moving and kept being distracted and just kept stuffing them down.
And so now I've got these abandonment issues. Right. To add to my list. My dad left and I just kind of figured it was my fault. You know, I had to do it then. And those things were really rough because of me around the house. So I just added that to the list and tried to stuff it down. A little while later, my mom got into an abusive relationship.
[00:10:03]
We moved around to four different schools in five years. That's what brought me down to Alabama for the first time. And when I moved to Alabama, I was a skateboarder. I like to skateboard and ride bikes. And immediately I found a group of people in South Alabama when I moved there that accepted me and brought me in, wanted me to be a part of what they had going on. Like a family for the first time in forever, as far as I was concerned.
I felt a part of and I hadn't been able to make any friendships or build relationships because we moved around so much. Any time I kind of make a friend, we move to another school and another school. So here we were in South Alabama and I got this group of friends and all of a sudden the grunge scene hit. It was in 1990 and MTV said that we were cool. The people who skateboarded and the alternative type people. And boy, we believed them.
Like in that moment, we went from the lowest of the totem pole at high school to the top tier of the coolest kids in school. And we didn't know how to handle it. You know, I say, well, we handled it. You know, our egos ran wild and we did everything that those kids at school that we hate. The people we hated were treating us bad. We just flipped the roles and treated them bad. We did exactly what, you know, the quote popular kids were doing to us, to everybody else.
And that's how high school started for me. And so I went from. I don't know, it gave me my first sense of peace and ease that I felt at home. The part of something. So that's how high school went for a while, but I didn't drink the first couple of years of school. I didn't drink because my friends didn't drink. I didn't didn't put anything in my body to change the way I felt. We just ran around high school being cool or so we thought we would tell you.
We even wrote X's on our hands with black Sharpie and called ourselves straight. And I didn't know why we were doing it, but my friends were doing it. So I did it. And I didn't even know what it meant to be honest. You're on a roll and it was going really good, but we're the sound is not that good now. Sorry. I'll be right back. It's great. I thought that might happen. The insurance out here are the insurance. The insurance is kind of spotty.
The Internet is not really sure about the insurance. Not going to be. Once my name's too long, if you're on your cell phone. Better, sounds better. We're back. We're good. Very cool. Thanks for thanks for your patient. And if you're not being patient, that's fine. You can call your sponsor later. It's all right. But I appreciate you being here with me. So, yeah, so we are. We were straight edge and we wrote black X's on our hands with Sharpie and told everybody we were straight edge.
I didn't know what that meant, but my friends were doing it, so I had to do it. And I didn't drink from the first couple of years of high school. Didn't do anything. And. One Friday night, a couple of buddies walked up to me and asked me the question, hey, man, we're going to go to a party tonight and we're going to get loaded. Do you want to go? Yes, I do. Right. Because I couldn't have them shunning me or not letting me be a part of, like, my people.
I don't know if you guys can identify, but I was going through life from the time I was eight years old up until that point. And for much longer, just seeking to be accepted and loved and a part of and to get some relief and to not feel this way and all these different things. And so I was going above and beyond to do anything and everything I could to make sure that didn't happen. And so when they said, do I want to go get loaded? I said, yes, I did.
And off we went and we went to this party and. And I've been staying so busy, like I had, I didn't even notice all the anxiety and fear and everything that I've been stuffing down. You know, I've just been kind of barreling through life, being cool, carrying my skateboard and doing the things we did. And so we go to this party and we start drinking, they pour me a cup from the keg and I start drinking and not so slowly.
And, and not so slowly, the feeling when that just, when the beer came down and hit my gut and my head started to get a change.
[00:15:09]
You know, just that, that relief, that feeling it was just like weights were, were just coming up and being lifted. And it was incredible. And I wanted more. So I continued to drink it. And, and all of a sudden, you know, I was the most popular person at the party and I was the prettiest person at the party. And I was all the best things and all these fears and everything were stripped away. Like the promises were coming true in my life just from a few beers.
And, and I wanted more. So the next night we did, we did the same thing. The next weekend, we did the same thing. And then that next day, that Monday, I did the same thing. My friends weren't really on that path. You know, they weren't really on the journey. They were partying to be cool or partying to do these things and I was partying for relief and it was working. So it became a weekly thing, not just a weekend thing and became a daily thing. And, yeah, and I didn't really have a whole lot of consequences immediately. I got a whole lot of relief.
Looking back, the consequences were my friends didn't want to hang out with me anymore, but I was okay with that. I didn't even really notice it because I had my new mission in life, you know, to get this relief and I found my solution and I was at all costs going to do it. So that's how my life went on throughout. Until the next, we'll go all the way up until 19 and I would end up with a new group of people hanging out and then a new group and then a new group because I would just burn bridges, you know, and, and I would meet the people and seek out the people that were drinking like me.
And, and hang out with them and meet new people, you know, and drink, drink with them until they didn't drink like me. And then it continued on like that. I found myself at 19 years old, living with my best friend and I came home one day and he had, he had a lot of mental issues and different things. But I came home one day, went to sleep, woke up and make a long story short, I opened his door and he had blown his head off. He killed himself.
And, and so that wasn't my first experience with death. Several people that I knew had committed suicide in high school. It almost became a cool thing to do during the grunge period around where I went to school anyway. I don't know if that's how people saw it, but it was, I don't know, it kind of seemed like that, like it was a trend of sorts. And, but nobody that close to me and this was my best friend in the world.
So, all this pain and all this insecurity and all this not good enough, all these feelings came rushing back and now I had this to go with it. And I didn't know what to do with it, you know, it was a long period to where people were, wouldn't let me, they kept dragging me back into it, asking me about it, wanting to talk about it, you know. And I didn't know how to deal with it, but I knew what worked.
So, I went and started drinking and it took a little more this time to get me to where I needed to be to get those feelings drink away, but I was willing to put in the work to stuff it down, you know, just continue to stuff it down. And that was just a mantra for my life, to stuff it down and keep going. Don't sit anywhere alone with your own thoughts, just stuff it down and keep going. And that was the time that my drinking, it was really the first time I can look back at my drinking got to the point to where I didn't stop when I had planned to.
Like before I'd never planned to stop, I just went to drink. I didn't have a whole lot of responsibilities, I didn't have a whole lot of anything, I just went to get relief. And now I have responsibilities and I have plans to do things like only go out for a couple hours or only go do this for a couple hours. And I noticed that I can't, that I don't only go for a couple hours, right? Start having these consequences and I'm just out and I'm just out.
And so that's how my life went, job to job, things of that nature. And I guess this is a good point to tell you that from the time I was three years old until I was 14 years old, I broke 19 different bones, shattered my left hip. It crushed my growth plate, my hips cut like this and my spine curves and bows out and I have three vertebrae that are a third eroded away because of the curvature of my spine.
At a young age, I was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis and scoliosis. And they told me I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I was 25 if I didn't do something drastically different. And when you tell a kid like me, what I heard was you've got until 25, you better get busy. And so that's what I did. And it was just like everything that I've never done, just anything in the world, I better get busy and start living because I'm not going to be able to after 25.
And it was coming fast.
[00:20:03]
So that's how I was living my life. You know, there was a whole bunch of pain management and stuff that they tried to throw at me. I never had to make up lies or ask for anything else because my physical condition throughout my life, my doctors were always, would always freely provide them. So I found myself about, I guess I was 22. I was in a really horrible relationship and I was going to end the relationship, but it was just miserable.
It was violent. It was all kinds of things. And when I went to end the relationship, I took a breath to break up with her. And before I said anything, she said, I'm pregnant. And I'll tell you guys, in that moment. I was so excited in that moment in my head, like, I didn't even remember why I was there. I'm going to be a father now. I'm going to have a baby. We're going to have this beautiful little white house with white picket fences and a beautiful yard and we're going to have this happy family and it's going to be amazing.
I'd never thought about being a dad. I'd never planned it. But now I'm going to have an amazing life. That relationship was going to be different somehow. So for nine months during the pregnancy, I didn't even drink. I got a six pack of beer in the fridge. I was just so high on this idea of this beautiful life that was ahead of me. It's going to be amazing. And I went to work. I came home. So I went to work at like five o'clock in the evening and I came home at like nine o'clock in the evening.
And so at five o'clock, I cook a dinner for both me and my girlfriend and we'd eat and then come home at nine o'clock and cook dinner for both me and my girlfriend. And we'd eat and we both put on like a hundred pounds. I don't know what it was, but it was a lot. And we didn't fight. We didn't do anything through the pregnancy. It was just it fixed me. You know, everything was perfect now. But I worked a lot and I slept a lot and I ate a lot.
But I didn't go anywhere else because she said we were going to be grownups now. We're going to have a baby. We're going to be grownups now. And what that meant to her was no more fun is going to exist in our life. Like, that's what I heard. We're not going to smile. We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this. And she didn't say these things, but that's how she acted. And so I was just, OK, I was on board. Here we go.
We're going to have a beautiful family. And when my daughter was born, I held her in the hospital. And it was that relief again, you know, just that relief again. Like she was my solution and took her home from the hospital. And she had jaundice. Right. So this was 1999. And they wrapped her up in a like a glowing blanket. She looked like a glow worm because she had jaundice. It was great. I still send her pictures of a glow worm on her birthday.
And so, you know, at this point now, I work six days a week. And so every night I'd come home and I'd put her on my chest and I'd fall asleep. And in the morning, her mom would take her off my chest and I'd get up and go to work. And on Sundays I didn't work and I would take her out to the mall and I would take her out shopping. And I would take her to my friend's house, take her to the park, just show her off everywhere.
And people said things like, look, he's such a good dad. You never hurt that child. He is such a good day. He's going to be such a great father. And I'm just not because I knew they were right. And. That went on for. I don't know. Not a really long time until reality set in. And we realized we didn't like each other, not a daughter, but me and her mom. And we did not appreciate each other and we did not get along together.
And things got right back. I don't say they got back to where they were, but they got worse. And I stuck it out because I couldn't imagine not coming home and seeing my daughter. And then eventually I just remember one fight. My daughter got to the point where I looked over. My daughter was old enough where she was noticeably affected. I could see her reaction to our fighting and screaming and the thing.
And I just felt I couldn't be selfish anymore. But I felt like I was being selfish for staying there. And I left and I found myself for the first time in my life living alone in a little apartment. With no solution, crying myself asleep at night. All these feelings rushing back, like the insecurity, not good enough that I'm the reason my dad left. Walking, I'm walking on eggshells through my own life and I'm the only one that lives there.
You know, just not good enough for anything. And I don't have my solution. Well, I know what works, right? I know it works. So I hit the bars and I'm just out burning the candle at both ends and not sleeping. And I don't even remember how many times I went to my house. And those like three months, I don't remember sleeping in my house much because there I was alone with my own thoughts and that wasn't OK.
[00:25:06]
It wasn't an acceptable place to be. And after about three months, I just I couldn't do it anymore. And I tried to go back and she took she wanted me back. And that maybe lasted a week. It was just that was all about me and all selfish and we didn't get along and neither one of us tried to do anything. But so I left again. And when I left that time, I was just she wouldn't let me see my daughter. Things ended really badly and she was angry at me.
So all I did was go out to just drown my sorrows and drown my feeling. And I had a court date set eight months down the road. And in my eyes, all I need to do is make it eight months to get my fix, to get my solution, to get my daughter back in my life. And so I partied and drank and drank and lost the job. That was the highest paying job I ever had to date. I lost about everything, almost lost. I was about to lose my apartment at the time.
And excuse me, and the court date showed up and she showed up to court with a lawyer and her mom and paperwork. And I showed up with a hangover and barely made it. But I was ready to sign the papers, any papers that she wanted me to sign to let me see my daughter. And when I didn't read the papers and I came to find out that the child support that I was, that I agreed to pay was based on the past job that I already lost.
And I was working for minimum wage currently and barely keeping that job. So I couldn't pay. I couldn't pay any child support. I couldn't even pay my bills without drinking, much less with my lifestyle the way it was. And so immediately she wouldn't let me see my daughter. We had a lot of problems. I'll spare you all the details. But I wasn't seeing her and it wasn't OK. And so I know today this was a really frustrating thing when I got into my inventory with my first sponsor.
We were talking about this and he said, well, why don't you just go to file for them to look at it again for an appeal because your circumstances have changed. And I was like, I was so consumed by me and my feelings and all the different things that I never thought never came to me. Not really. I was just the victim. I would tell everybody and anybody who knew about that devil woman. Can you believe that devil doing this to me?
She's doing this to me and she's doing this to me. And I'm never taking any action to better my circumstance, just playing the victim and trying to get out of my feelings throughout my life. So everything's just coming down on me, you know, just my best friend still playing the best friends died card. And that's so so many years past now. I hated my dad, my dad and the devil. They were the two biggest resentments in my life.
I'm not his mom, right? I call her the devil. She's a pretty nice lady today. I know her today, you know, but for years she was a devil. So. Yeah, that's how my life went, you know, went on. And. I don't know. For several years after that. Life was just like that. I was just living to get by, just living to kill the pain, and I had a whole lot of physical pain after some years. I was bedridden for months at a time.
I would have my roommates or relationships. They would have to physically, like, get me out of bed to help me to use the restroom and things of that nature. Like, it would just up and down. My physical condition was just so bad. And I wasn't doing it any favors with my lifestyle. And. And so. I guess after a chunk of years of that, I would get to a point in my life that that I'm living with. One of my oldest friends, and he was in a head on collision when he was 19.
And so we had the same pain management doctor, a lot of the same problems. He had metal all through his body. We were just a sad, sad. We're in a sad state of affairs. And but he had gone to A&A before, right? He had gone to rehab before. I didn't know anything about it. There were people in my life that when I got sober, I thought they were dead or locked up. They just got sober. You know, they still lived a mile away from me.
I thought they were dead and gone because they weren't going to the places I was, which was the bar. Walmart at three in the morning. You know, those kinds of places. So, yeah. So anyway, we start talking about it briefly, slowly, but slowly start talking about quitting, getting some help, doing something. And. I mean, I decided Christmas 2013 or Christmas. I did Christmas 2013 or Christmas 2012 that I was done for good, you know, it was over.
[00:30:00]
I was going to get help. I was done and I didn't tell anybody though. So, when Christmas 2013 rolled around, I was really said it out loud and we started talking about it for real and so we did what I call a detox shuffle. We call it detox on Friday because things are miserable and we were rough and we wanted to get in and we wanted to change. They said they call us back on Saturday and they did and they call back and ask a bunch of questions and they'd say, we'll see you on Monday.
Well, then Sunday would come around and wow, just feel like it would make it too big of a deal about it. I had a lot. I was an important man who had a lot of things to do. I couldn't go away for a week, you know, much less any longer. I don't know what kind of important stuff I had to do. Not much of anybody wanted me around. We were also two grown men, right, two grown men living in a three-bedroom house that was willed to him and we were both living in the living room on a twin mattress and a couch.
There's three perfectly good bedrooms with furniture in them, but to us, we couldn't miss a knock at the door if somebody was going to bring us anything, right? But I don't know about you guys, but were people beating down your door to give you gifts toward the end of your drinking days? It's just how delusional, I don't know, but like we were, we just couldn't miss it if it happened. So we're just sleeping on the floor and on the couch together, two grown men in this living room by the front door, just so we didn't miss anything.
And we did the detox shuffle a few times, right, a few different places, a few different times over a period of time. But finally came early January in South Alabama and we made the phone calls to detox. We answered them on Saturday and we planned to go on Monday and Sunday came around again and he said, well, I can't go, I haven't made plans for my two kids. And like, you're right, we can't go. I mean, he didn't have custody of his two kids, he wasn't seeing his two kids, right?
But to both of us, it was a valid reason. Of course we can't, we can't be irresponsible like that. So, so we had no plans to go on Sunday. We just got wasted and, but Monday morning a knock came on the door and we jumped right up and miserable, just probably didn't smell too great or anything and jumped right up and opened the door and it was Jennifer and Brian. And they were two good friends of ours who weren't going to watch us die any longer.
And they came in the house and they packed whatever they could pack. They catered to us and did whatever they could do to get us out the door and in that van that they had brought. And we were, we were on board and they were packing the craziest things I was, I had requests like I was a movie star and given a concert, you know, I mean, just the most ridiculous things that I couldn't leave without, like the movie, Steve Martin, The Jerk, if you've ever seen it.
But anyway, so we're, they've got us ready to go and I walk toward the door and I look over at a mirror and I noticed that I'm really scruffy and I haven't shaved. And in that moment, I was like, I can't go, I can't go, I haven't shaved and I don't know what girls I'm going to see there. And Jennifer, she didn't even, she didn't even shake her head. She just grabbed me by the hand and walked me to the bathroom and took the clippers and she shaved my face as I sat there.
She was just everything and anything that she could do. And her and Brian put us in there and Brian drove us to Detox in Central Alabama. And when we got to Central Alabama, right after we got there, an ice storm came through Alabama. And it was the first time I'd seen anything like that, and especially in South Alabama. And it shut down the roads and so the doctors couldn't get in. So we basically had orderlies or nurses or nurse helpers just to babysit us.
There wasn't, couldn't, the doctors couldn't get there to implement the program or do whatever they did there in that Detox. And so after a couple of days, there were still more clients coming in and I didn't know how they were getting in, but the doctors couldn't get in, but they needed help. And so I took them by the hand and I showed them like, I'll tell you what, I got you. Don't worry about it.
Like we're going to eat three times a day. We're going to have five of these meetings every day. We're going to go outside and smoke as many cigarettes as we can possibly smoke. And that's what we're going to do. And we're going to get through this together. I've got you. You know, so for the last five days of Detox, that's what I did. You know, I smoked a lot of cigarettes, held these people by their hand and took them through it.
You know, I was, I was being there for them. And on the seventh day of Detox, I guess the roads cleared up and the doctors showed up, asked me a bunch of questions that I guess I got right because they were going to let me leave. And so the only thing I got out of Detox besides a life-saving certificate, right, because I saved all those people's lives in there, let's be honest, I was taking them by the hand and saving them, right?
The doctor said, if you want to live, you hand me a meeting schedule to go to a meeting Alcoholics Anonymous today. And so we left there and went back home and had planned to go to a meeting, but we got
[00:35:02]
to that meeting and it was a Monday. And we were sitting in the parking lot. It was our hometown. And we were terrified that somebody that we knew might be in there and see it today. I mean, after a while, I found it kind of funny, right, because they, too, would have been in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, but we were so fearful of getting judged or people seeing us or anything. So we didn't go.
We came back on Tuesday, though, and went in and saw everybody we knew that weren't there on Monday. They came to the Tuesday night meeting. It was these people I was talking about earlier that I thought were dead or locked up or had moved across the country. They were still living a mile down the street from me and just got sober. So I didn't get a whole lot. I had my first couple months of sobriety.
I went to four meetings a day or three meetings a day and four on Fridays because that's what was available where I got sober. And I was terrified to be home alone. I didn't buy into anything that was being said. I didn't absorb much of what was being said, but I was terrified to go back to where I came from. I was completely terrified. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually just bankrupt is the perfect word for it.
And I was terrified, although I spent every meeting trying to convince you that I wasn't a newcomer. And I was surprised every time you just found me out. I didn't know that these people were AA members who went to their regular meetings regularly and they knew that I haven't been to that meeting before. I couldn't say I was from out of town because people knew me there, but I just didn't get it. I didn't know.
My pride and my ego were killing me, but they were also driving me. So I spent a couple of months doing that exact thing, hanging out with people, going to three and four meetings a day, hiding out in the room to Alcoholics Anonymous until one day somebody walked up and I guess I was complaining about something. They said, well, do you have a sponsor yet? I was like, I'm getting one tonight. Like I had been planning it, you know, but on the spot, I was like, well, now I have to, you know, because I just said it out loud and you heard me.
So I'm in the meeting and I didn't know what sponsorship was. I hadn't asked. I hadn't listened. I hadn't absorbed anything. But so I went to my home group meeting and I looked around the room and I picked the second best looking guy in the room to be my sponsor because clearly I was the best looking guy in the room. If you would ask me, you know, I was 50 pounds underweight. My skin was gray and I looked in the mirror and went, dang, you know, that delusion.
But anyway, so while there's some truth to that. Another reason that I picked this guy was it didn't matter. Like we sent a circle in that meeting and it seemed like every time we were in a meeting, he sat right across from me and I didn't sit in the same seat. So it was like he was, I feel like he was stalking me or something. And but when he spoke, he spoke calmly and I could understand kind of what he was saying.
He had a job that appreciated him being there and he had a family that liked him coming home to them each night. And I really wanted, I wanted that. He had a piece about him I knew nothing about and I wanted to know more about that. So I asked him to sponsor me and he said, okay, no problem. Call me every day. And I thought that was immediately very excessive and I thought we weren't supposed to date, you know, early in sobriety.
So I called him every day. Not because he asked me to, not because I wanted him to, but because I couldn't have him telling other people I wasn't calling him. He said we were going to meet every week and go through this book chapter by chapter. Oh, and I had a book because I stole it from the detox center. I've still got that book today. I made amends for stealing that book, but I've still got that same book.
It's in really rough shape. It looks pretty on my shelf, but I still got that same book I stole from detox. They didn't want it back, but I paid for it. So I met him every week and not because I wanted to, not even because I was sold on the fact that I needed it partially, but I didn't know what else to do. And I couldn't have him telling people I wasn't being a good sponsor. You know, I really just could not have that.
And I was terrified. So we did that and we walked straight to the book and where it said we read and where it said pray, we prayed, where it said write, we wrote, where it said talk, we talked, where it said get off your butt and go make amends to the people in your life. I did that. And I found like through the end of it, it took us about four months to get it together and to do it. And that's how long it took me to go through the 12 steps with my sponsor.
Right after we read through step 12, he relapsed and my response was like, I could not believe he would do that to me. You know what I mean? How dare he do that to me?
[00:40:00]
And that was my out loud response to what about me? What about me? I really never gave a thought to, man, he must be going through a rough time. You know, it's got to be rough. But anyway, so I knew I needed to get a new sponsor. So I spent a couple of months interviewing sponsors. And because at this point, you know, I'm basically an AA veteran, I'm on the borderline old timer, you know, I've been sober for seven months now, eight months now.
And I need somebody who's really active in service. I need somebody who knows all the things about all the things. So I started interviewing you guys. And finally, after about a month, it was about a month that I asked somebody. And he told me to call him every day for 30 days if I wanted to do it. I'm like, here we go again, you know, but I did. I called him every day and he became my sponsor. But what we didn't do is go back through the steps.
And I'm not saying anything about positive or negative about that. We just jumped into the tradition. And he never really talked to me about what my experience through the 12 steps was. And he never really talked to me about my daily routine. Now, I want to preface this with, I don't remember him talking to me about those things. He very well could have talked to me about every one of those things.
I didn't hear any of that. So we just jumped in the traditions. I got every service position that you would give me or elect me to or let me create. And just, I mean, I had like five different committees, position on my home group, my district, the area, like all this different stuff, whoever you would let me be a part. I was sponsoring the world like this. Like just, you need to do this. Do you want to die?
You better use this. Like there was no we in my life. There was no, we're going to do this together. I was not practicing what I was preaching, but I was preaching, I promise. And that went on for until I was a little over three years sober. And I found myself, I was just about to take office as the area one treatment and accessibilities committee chair. I was the treatment committee chair in my district.
I don't remember what I was at my home group, but I had a position secretary, treasurer or something along those lines. Sponsored a bunch of guys. And I was ready to stick a gun in my mouth three years sober and doing all this service in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was just ready for it to be over. I was miserable. This is sobriety. You can have it. I don't want it. And I tried to run, but I'd done one thing really well.
I'd surrounded myself with you guys. And so everywhere I tried to run to and every place I tried to go, there you were. You were just like, boom, there you are. There you are. And I finally got to a new jumping off place three years sober, miserable in Alcoholics Anonymous and asked for help. And I was reintroduced to the 12 steps. And this, not just, I used to say, yeah, I've got a daily routine. I do this, this, this, and that.
But I didn't know anything about that suggested daily routine of prayer, meditation, self-examination, and carrying this message to the still sick and suffering alcoholic, right, and working with others. So again, implement that in my life. And I like to say prayer, meditation, and self-examination instead of prayer, meditation, and inventory because I think the acronym PMS is funnier when I say it instead of PMI.
Anyway, if you don't think it's funny, that's fine. But prayer, meditation, and self-examination, I began to do it. And not just when I felt like it and not just when it was convenient, I began to do that in my daily life. Like, and that means every day I was told, right? So daily prayer, meditation, self-examination, and carrying this message to people and walking with people through this life. And I'll tell you, I had experiences like months down the road, I'm calling my sponsor at 1 o'clock in the morning and he goes to bed at 9 o'clock.
And I'm like, hey, there's something to this meditation stuff. He's like, yeah, no shit, click. You know, he was one of those guys just like it was an epiphany to me, the effects that came from taking this action and doing these things. And man, like I wanted more. It was just like anything. I drank and drank and drank because I liked the effect produced by it until I didn't. And I worked the steps and I loved the effect produced by prayer, meditation, self-examination, and working with other alcoholics.
It's incredible. And as I never came into this program wanting a connection with a higher power. I never came in here to meet lifelong friends. I never came in the room to get out of myself and be of service because what kind of solution is that? Show me on paper how that works to fix me. Do stuff for you. Like, how does that work to fix? What about me? How does that work to fix? What about me? You know, it didn't make any sense. And so, again, pain is the great motivator. And I finally became willing to do something different. And,
[00:45:05]
and it worked. And it continues to, as long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other, it continues to work. For a long time, I was just going to do it one more day until I could show you it didn't work. A long time. There was a whole lot of 24 hours strung together that, that added up to some years that I was just waiting for you to be wrong. And it wasn't. You know, I meet people a day who were just like me for a long time saying this AA thing doesn't work. And then people would ask me, well, what are you doing? Well, that's not this AA thing. You know, like you're doing the Luke thing. I want you to try AA for a little bit and the program Alcoholics Anonymous and tell me how that works for you. And, and I can share with you today, my experience is that when I take those suggested things that are suggested and outlined clearly in the big book, life gets crazy good.
Crazy, crazy good. I love being alone today. I love being around you today. Most of you, most of the time, you know, still human at all. But when I've eaten, when my body's not killing me, when I've slept, and I'm in my daily routine, I don't see many, much of any stupid people in my life. I just see people doing the best that they can do with what they've got in front of them. But let me tell you, let me lose some sleep because my body's hurting really bad. Let me not eat, and especially be over caffeinated. And I will go around those same people acting the very same way, and every one of them will be a problem. And the only thing that changes is me. The only thing that changes in that whole scenario is me. But I guess we're getting kind of close to that time. Yeah. But so many things I get to do in Alcoholics Anonymous today, all because you guys showed me how to get connected with a power greater than myself that will run my life, be in charge of my life. So I don't have to be, I don't have to worry with any of it. I can just be right here, present in this moment, focusing on doing the best that I can do. And yeah, it's a beautiful thing. Anyway, thank you guys.
Thank you, Luke. That was awesome. I've got to put this out or something so I don't use it. Okay. It'll take me one second. I wish I could tell y'all a bunch of jokes, but I don't know them either. Okay. Thank you so much for joining us tonight. We're glad that you came and keep joining us because you never know what you're going to get. And it's just that, just the truth. You will never know what you're going to get. So you've got to come back because it's always a surprise. And we surely hope to see you here next Thursday when our special guest is Big Jay from Gardnerville, New York. Now, he's a different guy. You will like Big. I don't know him. He's big. Okay. Please do, if you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or your computer and tell them about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us in the back porch because that's just kind of what we do in the South. And Luke, do you have any closing remarks and would you take us out with a prayer of your choice, please?
Thank you, Ramona. And thank you all again. I will close with saying the daughter that I abandoned takes regular vacations with me. She just left out here. She came out to Arizona to visit family. And we're building a good relationship today on her turn. So on her timeline, my dad, who was my biggest resentment, eventually came back into my life and after doing work on me, right? Because when I work on me, I don't judge you because I can identify. Anyway, he's one of my best friends today. I spent about six weeks a year with him, split up a couple of trips. And the devil, I still haven't told her that I called her the devil, but I'm sure she heard plenty of it from friends. But I won't call us buddies today, but we do speak and we talk about my daughter and even her stepdad who hated me for so many very good reasons is very cordial
[00:50:05]
and invites me to their house today. And none of that's possible without this program, without you guys suiting up and showing up so people like me can see that it works. So I want to thank you all for that. And now let's close it out with a wee version of the serenity prayer. My prayer, God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the depth.
Thank you, Luke. Awesome. Thank you, Luke. Great job. Thank you.