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Source: Dede K – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2026-01-29.m4a File: dede-k-box-of-chocolates-2026-01-29.mp3 Duration: 00:54:18
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Jill about 5 till. Okay. Great. Okay. Do like the hand motion thing if I get going and I don't pay attention to the time. Actually, I'll set a timer. I can adult. I can do it. All right. So, let's see. Roughly, that gives me how many minutes? Roughly. All right. We're going to start it there. Okay. Well, hi, everybody. Great to be here tonight. I'm an alcoholic, and my name is Dede K.. Oh, I see my friends are here, too, people I know. I get so nerved up when speaking, actually, when I do anything, I suppose, but you're not going to hate me, so it's okay.
All right. So, I am an alcoholic, a real alcoholic, and my name is Dede K.. I have a sobriety date of 531 of 90. I have a sponsor. His name is Al J. He knows that he's my sponsor, and he's pretty cool. And my home group is the Bronx Big Book Study, and we meet every single night, Eastern Standard Time at 9 o'clock. And then we have another meeting, an extension called the parking lot, and that is where I do some service work. So, yeah, there's my little whatever. I am very honored to be asked to speak. I only know about me. I'm not any kind of guru kind of people, but I will tell you about my experience, strength, and hope.
And so, good to be here tonight. I thought about you all day. Probably worrying, but anyway, I thought about you guys. And I just had to pray, you know, like, God, I don't know what I'm supposed to talk about. I really need your help here. But there are guidelines, right? So, I'm tasked to tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today. And so, without going deep, deep, deep down onto a couch for psychology, I was born and raised in northern New Hampshire. It's really quite rural. It's beautiful. I live in the mountains of New Hampshire, and it's really rural. Did I tell you it was rural? It's really out there, guys, but it's real pretty.
So, if you know anything about Mount Washington, I'm not far from there. So, that to say, it's the perfect excuse for folks to drink, because there's nothing to do. There's no skiing. There's no snow machining. There's no mountain climbing or lakes or fishing. There's just none of that. Anyway, so, I was born up here a while ago, and born to folks who like to party and drink and have a really good time. That is not why I am an alcoholic, but boy, it gave me some practical experience.
Growing up, there were issues. There were problems. There was some violence. There was some excitement. It was like the stuff of a novel or something at times. Anyway, there was some bad stuff, and there was some good stuff. I grew up on a farm, a small one. I learned how to work hard, and I learned how to sneak around to get what I thought I needed or stuff that I may have really needed. My parents were real busy and distracted, and they had lots going on. Ooh, lots going on. So, my kids' way of trying to get close to them, I see today, was to sit on their lap and help them drink. They would let me sip the head off their beer, and wasn't she cute? And, oh, she's so sweet, and I loved it.
Give me some attention at that point in my life, and God, I just loved it. You just could not fill me up. You couldn't give me enough. I felt like I was starving to death for some kind of something, attention. Sent to school early because I probably drove my mom crazy as a kid. They had a little experiment across the river. I literally live on the Connecticut River here in Vermont. We kind of came back and forth, and they thought it may be a great idea to send kids early to school, and they'd get really, really smart.
That did not happen with me, but they did send me. So, I was sent to school a year early, and thereby was a year behind all of my peers after I came back to New Hampshire in third grade. So, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you don't really understand what people are talking about, and you're always striving to catch up, it kind of wears on you a little bit, but that's not why I'm an alcoholic. It's just part of my little stuff.
Anyway, so I grew up around here. A lot of drama, a lot of saga. Just, oh, man, I don't know. Probably the same stuff that happened in a lot of other people's homes. I figured out, I don't know how old I was, 10 or 11, I guess, that it really was unfair that my parents had all these parties and get-togethers, and they got to drink and smoke and have rock and roll and fun, and they were always laughing and staying up late.
[00:05:09]
It just wasn't fair, and so I decided that I was going to get my slice of the pie. Today, I can tell you that. I don't know if that ever really crossed my mind that way. So, I began to help myself to some of their things. We always had booze in the house, my goodness, everywhere. Well, not really, but there was a lot of it. My grandfather owned a restaurant in this area. It's a real small area, but if you own a restaurant, it kind of looks like you got it going on.
It wasn't a big restaurant, but it was big enough. Thereby, you could get things there, right? All of us were expected to work for the family business, and we did. If you drank there, it wasn't that it was okay, but if you snuck something, no one was going to say anything, particularly if you were in the family. So, my dad would be bringing home things, and I got to taste things and try things, and none of it was really a big deal, I don't think, until that one magical day when I didn't realize I was invited to go to this wedding where my wealthier members of my family down in Connecticut on the coast down there had this big posh wedding.
I didn't realize it was going to be a big wedding. We don't go out much out here. We've got two stoplights in town. So, I get down there at the age of 11. I get down there, and I have a really, really beautiful dress. I'm jazzed about this, and all whatever, 85 pounds of me, and I see all these people with really nice clothing, and I think, oh, my God, I'm going to die. I have to walk in front of these people, and of course, they're looking at me and nothing else.
So, I just wanted the world to stop at that point, because it felt like all that time that I spent in school trying to disappear and be invisible, I just couldn't be. I was just so exposed, like no skin, but just raw. So, obviously, I had to do what I agreed to do, and I did. I don't remember a thing about it, but I did that, and then we went to this nice restaurant where my lovely aunt and uncle had an open bar, and they announced the open bar, and it was just like, you know, the herd went.
But at the tables where they had seated everybody, you know, longer tables, they had poured champagne. I believe it was champagne. So, those were at every single seat, but when the adults got up to go get their favorite drinks or top shelf, I looked at my older sister, and I said, they're not going to drink that? And she's just looking at me like, what are you talking about? And I'm thinking, man, that's a waste.
And so, I did. I must have drank a few. So, I kind of blacked out at the reception there. Later on, my sister told me some of the things I did. Apparently, it was funny. I don't think today that an 11-year-old reporting drunk is funny, but apparently it was to some people. So, yeah, that happened, and we get back to the hotel, I guess, and of course, of course, it doesn't end well, right? And I discovered that alcohol and I, we're not that great together because I throw up a lot.
You know, I'm called the puker by some people, and of course, I have to throw up and, you know, get the spins and trying to put my foot down, you know, where I'm laying on the bed. And please, God, make it stop. But it doesn't ever occur to me, not once, that I shouldn't do that. Just doesn't cross my mind. As a matter of fact, I think to myself, wow, that was really cool. And I don't know that today that's probably a healthy mindset.
And that really kind of opened the door to my drinking, but I didn't. I didn't know that. I was very, very insecure in school because I told you I was like younger than everyone. And it was always fun to make fun of me because I was the blondie and I was very naive. And if you told me a story, I just went, uh-huh, and I believed it. So I was always secretly trying to catch up to whatever everyone else was doing.
And actually, I did it. I mean, it cost me, but I did it. And so when it came time socially that following year, yeah, I was going to make up time. And I did. And I did. And when I opened that door, I opened the door to less, always less, no matter what.
[00:10:06]
Whether it was the people, it was the area, it was the academics, it was the achievement. But I didn't know it. You know, how do you know these things? And I have no idea at this time that I have really, really crossed the line, if there ever was such a thing. And so I begin to choose people that normally I don't think I would ever choose to hang out with. But they have something I want and they have access.
And by good golly, I am going to have access. I am not going to be the loser, right? I'm going to arrive. I'm going to be OK. And yeah, that's what I'm going to do. So, you know, I get myself into some predicaments and those predicaments really had consequences. It wasn't until really years later when I was actually got sober, when I realized, my goodness, that was really, really bad thinking on your part.
And some of those, you know, some of those thinking strategies were, you know, to maybe go swimming at night when drinking or driving when drinking or dating guys that were kind of slimy. I was drinking, I was older, I was available, you know, and just doing these things that were really dangerous. And I can't say that I always got away. I don't have to go into detail, but you guys are smart, you know, stuff, you know, some bad things happen.
And that's what happens to girls who aren't careful. Right. I'm not saying I deserved anything in that vein. But I am saying that some bad things happened and it's not shocking that it happened. I'm very fortunate that I got away from certain things. But anyway, I get to high school and I am I am on the fast track, you know. And before I'm getting really good grades or really pretty decent grades and it's beginning to slip because I find that I can't really go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and, you know, be hungover on Sunday and somehow maintain everything else.
You know, I got this I got the ball in the air and I'm throwing it, you know, I'm throwing it and I can't keep everything going, you know. But I don't want you to know that. I don't want you to really discover how deficient and just ridiculous I am because I have to hide that. Right. So I'll laugh and I'll joke and I'll point to my hair and I'll say, you're right, blondie. Oh, silly me. You know, when in fact, I really do think I'm dumb.
I really do think I'm behind and I really think that I suck. But I'm always trying to appear like I don't. So I'll dress up. I'll wear the heels. I'll put the makeup on. I'll do the deal. But I don't believe a bit of it. Not a bit of it. So I said a lot in a particular. Well, a couple of guys. Well, a few guys. Anyway, I did some guys that are definitely older. Definitely. They got to go and, you know, they know what they're doing and they all have trucks and that's up here. That's really cool. You have a truck, a gun and a dog.
And so, yeah, it's but, you know, you're not slimy, maybe. But anyway. Oh, God. So. So I, you know, I select these guys and we like I said, we live on the river that separates Vermont from New Hampshire. And so. Yeah. So when you go over to Vermont at this time, you can drink legally when it's when you're 18. And we just think that is like the absolute best idea ever. We're just psyched. I don't get carded at all.
I never got carded. Always wore makeup. Always were really nice clothes. I definitely dressed up, but I never got carded. I never, never had an issue. Probably should have. But but, you know, during that time of not getting carded and going out and doing my deal, I have some significant car accidents. One in which the car flips upside down, goes down a river bank and nearly into the river here. That was pretty bad, actually. But my parents, God love them. You know, my parents knew a lot of people and they knew all the cops.
And so, you know, I get. You know, cut out of this car and I'm OK, I'm just really, you know, kind of shake it up and I don't even get charged. It's raining that night. And truly, someone did from school maybe run me off the road. But, you know, it was still bad. I never have a breathalyzer, never a sobriety test, nothing. I just I literally walk away because my parents know the trooper. That would never happen today. You know, that would just never happen. But it happened in my case.
So really, all this does is is help me. So really all this does is help me continue on my way, right?
[00:15:02]
And I have no idea that I have a problem with alcohol. I mean, I'm very aware that I kind of suck, but alcohol can't be part of the problem, right? I mean, that's actually, I know I hear this all the time, but it is my solution. It's like, it's my go-to, like, yay, oh, I'm so glad. And the only time that I can kind of like slow it down enough to like relax is when I'm gonna go out, you know? Or when I come home, my folks, they pour me a drink too, you know, it's, oh my God, you know?
And I'm so delighted with that because I need to calm the blank down. I need to slow it down, but my mind is racing, always just racing. And I fall asleep only because I'm exhausted, you know? And I have no idea that other people, they don't live this way. I'm sure there are people that do, but your average teenager, that's not the way they do. So anyway, so, you know, some things begin happening, some consequences finally begin coming.
I begin to lose people in my life, but they don't tell me why, they just walk away. So whether it's a guy I'm dating, or it's my two best friends, or it's my neighbor or friend that I've known since I was six years old, they just walk away. Today, I understand that it was too much. You know, I was too much. It probably was very heartbreaking to watch someone continue to do things with making no sense, right?
And so I don't know this, I just get angry that you are awful and you leave me, right? And I'm a victim for me. So I visit the college that my sister is going to because I'm younger than everyone and I'm younger, right? So my parents, for some reason, allow me to visit the college where my sister's at. And that sounds really good, but I was only 16. So I do the same thing at her college that I do in high school, and that is I dress up, I wear makeup, I have high heels and nicer clothes, and you have no idea what age I am.
You really don't know. And she introduces me to the frat boys and these different fraternity houses, and I am just like in love, right? I'm like, yes, yes, I cannot believe this is so awesome. And at first, it kind of is. I get to go down on the weekends, not every weekend, but like, well, once a month. And I'm doing things that a 16-year-old should not do. And so at one of these junctures, I start to bring my friends from Europe.
We had exchange students at my high school. I brought these people with me to a college to these fraternity parties and got them drunk too, because that's fun, right? I endangered them is what I did. Today, I just shake my head like, oh my goodness, right? Oh my goodness. But yeah, that was me. And so my class act that looks okay when I first get ready at night before I go out, ends up falling down the stairs at Alpha Pi Tau.
And that short skirt isn't quite as cute at the bottom of the stairs. Or maybe I'm crawling across the railroad trestle, because that's the short back to the college. And I'm crawling on my hands and knees on this bridge and getting my high heel caught in between some slats. And I find out probably four years later, that's a perfect place to get raped. But I don't know, because it's not gonna happen to me.
Those things just don't happen to me. I'm special. I did not get hurt on that bridge, but my God, I passed it so many times. And so many times I was drunk, I don't even remember half of that. So anyway, I'm just rolling on, just rolling on. And finally, I get to this point where I have to decide, am I supposed to go to college? I gotta get out of this one horse town here. I've got to get out of here.
And I'm willing to do almost anything to do so. So I think, well, I really should go to college. Yeah, that's okay. And I'll go to my sister's college, because I already know where everything is. I know people there, I know guys, I know where the frat houses are downtown. This is cool, I can deal with this. And so that's what I decided to do. And I have an advisor at my high school. I was also in an art program and some other things that I did, creative kind of stuff.
And so my art teacher, who's my advisor, one day lays the boom on me, and he's like, Kaiser, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm just like, huh?
[00:20:00]
And he doesn't even have the mercy to take me inside. There's other people around. But he basically, you know, choose me a new one. And he's like, look, you've got this ability and this capability and this ability, and you're going there, you're doing that. What are you thinking? I thought you were applying here, blah, blah, blah. And on and on it went. I'm so disappointed in you. Oh, well, go ahead and slap me already.
I just couldn't believe he would say that. And he just was disgusted with me. He was just like, oh God, you sold out, you know? And that was a real shocker. You know, I can throw up and have accidents and crash the car and steal your boyfriend, but God, if I love you and you turn around and say I disappointed you, that's like much worse to me. So, you know, oh, well, that's the way it goes, right? So I go off my happy way and I go to college and I think this is great.
You know, it's a new start. Everything's gonna be great. Except it isn't because I brought me along, you know? And I brought all of my insecurities and all my fears, thousands of them, I swear. And then I go to this college. And all I can think of, of course, is that I don't measure up. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I'm going to be found out. You are going to find out just what a fraud I am. And when you do, you're gonna just ignore me.
You'll send me packing, something will happen. So that little tape in my picture show, that's kind of crazy, it's just running, running, running, running, running, running all the time. Unfortunately for me, my parents have some issues and problems financially. And so I get a call one day and my mom says, hey, you know that agreement we have? Yeah, I'm sorry. We just can't do it anymore. You're gonna have to pay for school yourself.
And I'm like, what, what was that? So I'm a freshman in college and I'm thinking, oh my God, how am I gonna pay for school? They agreed to pay for half and wow. So I kind of flip out, I kind of freak out. Oh well, that's life, right? We're just gonna have to pile on some more. So I go and I get some jobs, part-time jobs, and I'm scared. I am more scared now than I have been probably ever. And so I'm thinking they're gonna send me back home.
I'm not gonna be able to pay for school. They'll send me back home and then, and I don't mean this against anyone, but then I get to live in this town that has nothing going on. And maybe I can marry that guy that I'm dating and we can live in the woods, you know? And I'm thinking, no, no, no, no, no, I can't do that. So I get another job. I think it's my third one. And so I think it'd be a great idea to be a mentor to these college students.
Yep, that's what I did. So they hired me and they trained me and everything was going okay until I would go out on my weekend and I would go down to my favorite frat house. And unfortunately, I don't have a car, right? Because I don't really have that much, any money. So I walk and so I tie one on. I stay and I stay and I stay until pretty much no one's left there, right? And I gotta go home. So, you know, I'm walking back to my dormitory and I'm fumbling and I'm stumbling and I can't get in the door and I can't figure out how to make my keys work, right?
And unfortunately for me, the students that I'm supposed to be the mentor of, they're hanging out the window, checking me out. They're like, look at that, look at her. Yeah, Dee Dee, yeah, she's the mentor. Yeah, right. Well, part of my job was to write them up when they were drunk because they're minors. I'm still a minor at this point though. So they know, they know the deal. They know what's going on.
And it feels like a vice is just closing in on me. I'm like, oh my God, oh my God. And of course they wanna rat me out. They hate me. I report them because that's my paycheck, right? So one weekend, not too long after that little hurrah, I am working that weekend and I'm on patrol or whatever. And my coworker, Karen, that's really her name, Karen decides it'd be a great idea to drink with her girls on the third floor.
I don't really have an issue with anything that you wanna do because my life's on fire anyway. I can't really pay attention to you. But if you say it's my paycheck, then I definitely will pay attention. So I pay attention and I can't ignore it. It's loud. There's like certain fumes coming out from underneath Karen's door
[00:25:00]
and there's stuff going on, right? It's like really obvious. So I go down the office and I write them all up. And it's bad because you're not supposed to be hired by the college and then by the Booth Forum. It's just not okay. So that didn't go very well. She got really severe consequences out of that. And I don't know about anyone else, I would have hated me. You suck, right? You're such a hypocrite.
Karen disappeared for a while. As it turns out, Karen went to treatment, but I didn't know that. They weren't gonna tell us. She just sort of leaves. She goes away and then she comes back and she's a really happy person when she comes back. Well, happier than she was. And I'm thinking, huh, that is so weird. Like, why is she happy? And she's happy towards me and she's nice towards me. And I'm thinking, why are you being nice to me?
I reported you, right? You are suspended and on probation because of me. And I'm just like really baffled and I'm avoiding her anytime I can, right? She hasn't lost your job yet. So I see her every day in my dorm. So she starts to talk to me and try to take time with me. And I'm like, I don't wanna take time with you. I don't like you, right? I don't like anyone really, but she starts doing this, right?
And I don't realize that she's doing 12-step work, right? I have no idea. So finally she says to me, hey, would you come and support me? I'm getting a special prize. And I'm like, okay, I don't understand. And she's like, well, I'm part of this group and we get together and we help each other and they're gonna give me this prize. I have three months of sobriety where I have not drank. And so they're gonna give me this medallion.
It's really cool. It's really pretty. And I'm thinking, okay, why do you want me to go? Well, I don't have any family here. There's no one to like see me get my prize. And I thought maybe you'd like to be helpful. And I'm thinking, okay, I guess. I mean, I don't know why she's coming to me. You could go anywhere. So I agree to go. And it turns out it's St. James Church downtown. And so the whole while I walked down there and the whole while I'm thinking, I hope nobody from the college sees this because she tells me it's an alcoholics meeting.
And I'm thinking, well, I don't want them thinking it's me. I am going to help Karen. So I go in the back door, of course, and I'm looking around and I'm wondering who's watching me because I'm that important. Anyway, I get in there and you guys, you know, you're laughing and you're all like touchy and you're shaking hands and you're hugging. And I'm like, oh God, you know, don't be doing that with me.
I come from the Northern area. We are not like that. So, you know, you shake my hand. You're so glad to see me. And I'm thinking, you guys are weird, really weird. But I'm like, okay, you know, someone brings me a cup of coffee. They bring me right to the front row, right? And it's one of those meetings that, I don't know if you guys have them in your area, but the anniversary meetings. So it used to be a really big group, big meeting.
And so we would have anniversaries once a month and it would be like rapid fire. We would get people up that had a small amount of time to the longer periods of time of sobriety. And they'd give a quick talk and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And so I'm sitting in this chair and I want to go. I just want to be out of here. I'm so uncomfortable because I don't belong again. But I'm sitting there and slowly I start to listen to these people.
And I don't really listen to the first few people, but then we started getting into years, right? Where someone says, you know, they got three years. No drinking. I'm like, oh my gosh, wow. And then, you know, five years and six years and they begin to tell their story because you know, it's thinning out a little bit and they have more time. And as I'm sitting there, I had this feeling inside of I'm okay, you know, I'm okay.
And that's the feeling I always have when I drank. Whether I was standing in line with my cup or I was getting my tickets or you were buying my drink and I was just waiting, that was my. okay now, I'm okay, I can relax, I'm okay, and so I'm sitting there, and I'm kind of
[00:30:06]
relaxing a little bit, and then I start to listen, and I hear your stories, and I don't know whether I should be embarrassed because you're telling stuff that you ought not to be telling in public, or relieved that, oh my God, you did that too, oh, you did that? I did that, but I didn't tell anyone, and so I'm very, very confused as I'm sitting in this meeting, but I no longer want to run away, I just can't make any sense of you guys, you just don't make any sense to me, and so, you know, the meeting concludes, and, you know, Karen comes up to me all bubbly, because you guys are kind of bubbly, how did you like it, wasn't it cool, and I'm like, I don't know, and she's like, well, they're really nice, and I'm like, okay, they're nice, okay, so she comes right to my door the next day, and she's like, hey, you want to go to such and such meeting, Thursday night is this, and I'm like, ah, so, you know, I kind of said yes to most of it, but I still kept going out to my friends and my little areas, but I said yes, and I didn't even know why I said yes, I mean, I'm not one of you, but I did, I said yes, and so she had a car, so she would just bring me to these places, and I would just sort of sit there, defiant as usual, and I'd just say my name, and my legal name is Delene, hi, I'm Delene, and that's it, that's all I would say, because I'm not like you, my story is different, right, I'm young, I'm only 19 years old, I'm young, you know, I don't really belong here like you guys, you're old, so that persists for a while, I do stop drinking, but I'm not planning on staying stopped, I just, I just stop drinking, because I'm dealing with Karen almost every single day, and it takes maybe about a month or so for me to kind of not do what I was normally doing, and I just keep going to these meetings, but I don't know why, and I don't, I don't have any clue, really, what you guys are doing, until finally, this lady, Jessica, approaches me, and she says, you know, you, you look kind of confused, and I'm like, yeah, I am, and she's like, let's go have coffee, you know, and so I have coffee with Jessica, and you know, she begins to tell me more about what AA is, and what's it, what is it for, and, and who really does belong, you know, not everyone belongs here, it's Alcoholics Anonymous, and so I listened to her, but I'm still not convinced, right, I'm very young, my story is very different, and she has an exercise, it's not AA literature, but I'm glad that she gave it, or presented it to me in this way, at that time, and she ends up being my sponsor, but I don't know anything about that either, and she says, well, you know, DeeDee, I got something you could do, why don't you go back to the dorm, and just kind of have some quiet, take a, take a notepad, and just write down a few things, in the last few years, that have gone bad, you know, like, maybe you had a car accident, or, you know, some issue with your boyfriend, or, you know, like some, some bad things, or maybe you got hurt, or something, just kind of label some of the stuff that didn't go really well, and, and after you're done with that, I just want you to write on the opposite side, if you were drinking or drunk, and I'm like, oh, okay, I can, I can do that, and so I, I do that, and she meets me again, and takes me out for coffee, and I don't have a penny to my name, so going out for coffee is like magical to me, because I don't have to pay, but anyway, so she takes me out for coffee again, and we sit down, and she's like, do you have your list, and I'm like, yeah, I, I do, and she's like, okay, well, let's look at that list, you know, and, and so I begin, you know, sharing with her some of the snafus that I've gotten myself into, and wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know, alcohol, always present, or nearly always, and she gets me this pamphlet thingy, I don't remember the name of it, but I bet you guys have seen it, it was like, is it 20 or more questions, right, and you read, and, and it says, have you ever, did you, and you, you mark yes or no, and she goes, I think this could help you, you know, you, you can look at this, and so I said, okay, you know, and I brought that home, and I answered the questions, and I did very well, I got a very high score on it, but I hadn't gone to jail, and I wasn't dead, and I wasn't in an institution yet, but yeah, my score was fairly high, so you know, after meeting with Jessica a few times, you know, she said, you know, Dede, I, I think it's safe to say, no one's going to kick you out, I, I, I think you belong here, I think it's okay, I think it's all right, I don't know how she did
[00:35:03]
that without laughing, as I would have laughed, but she had a straight face, and she was very sincere, and she said, you know, I can be your sponsor, I can, I can kind of show you how things work around here, and, and you can, you can learn, you know, some things, and I'm thinking, okay, I guess, and, and so she becomes my first sponsor, and I'm very grateful to that lady today, she really, really did help me an awful lot, as it turns out, when you take alcohol out of me, or, or I, I don't drink it anymore, bad things happen to me, it's, it's not like, oh, it's a brand new day, and isn't it great, it's, oh my god, I got nothing, I can't, I can't relax, I can't, I can't take a break, and I don't know what to do, so I just smoke as much as I can, and just drink as much coffee, and not sleep, and not eat, it's really not very good, but anyway, I was really happy that I was not drinking, because I thought, well, I'd like to drink, I'll be nice, but they're saying I really shouldn't, so, okay, okay, so, as it turns out, I begin to remember some things, you know, because I don't have to remember anything, if I'm busy, and I'm toasted, and I'm relaxed, I, I don't have to think about problems, and I don't have to think about memories, I don't, I don't have to think about anything, right, except the moment, and how wonderful it is to be here with you drinking, and, and I can't, I can't really deal with it, as a matter of fact, I, I just, I don't know what to do, so, so I have these, I have these thoughts, and I have these memories, and I'm going a little bit south, so my sponsor Jessica's like, honey, I can't, I can't undo that for you, I don't know what, I don't know what to do with you, and I'm like, I don't know what to do either, and so, so at that time, I don't think they do it anymore, but at that time, you could go to treatment, even though you hadn't picked up yet, or again, and so that's, that's what we decided, this, this would be a good idea for inpatient, so my father's insurance that I don't tell him about, my father's insurance only pays for this program in California, and I'm thinking, California, I haven't even been out of New England, are you kidding me, but that's, that's who takes the insurance, and they assure me, they'll pick me up, and, and, you know, I'll have a flight, and they'll, they'll run me to the airport, and everything else, and, and they do, there's someone, and it's got my name, and everything, so I, I land at, you know, LA Doctor's Hospital in, I think it's East LA, not a nice place, but anyway, it's there, and I don't realize what I've done, because once I've done this, I basically have said that it's okay to lock the door, and bring me there, and I, I have no idea, oops, oops, sorry about that, and so there's a 30-day, or 28-day program, and there I am, and I'm really glad I went, I don't think it was enjoyable at all, but I'm really glad I went, and I was really introduced to a wider variety of AA there, they took us out every night to a meeting, they took us to other meetings that I did not want to go to, but they took us to, you know, AA meetings, probably five out of the seven nights there, and we went to places like Pacific Group, and I didn't know what that was, but it was huge, it was very overwhelming, and I just got to see, like, oh my gosh, all of these people have a problem like me? Are you serious? And I got to hear people, you know, tell their stories, and that was really, really magical for me, because I didn't feel quite as awful as I did, you know, I knew I was kind of scurred up, I didn't really, I wasn't going to argue about that, it was just how much was I willing to admit, but so it was good, I had a doctor there I absolutely hated, and he was most unpleasant, he was so, like, reality-based and mean, I didn't like him at all, and he'd say, you, and he was from another country, you, you're very crazy, very crazy, I'd be like, stop it, that's not nice, but, you know, I did have some problems, so anyway, I did some things there, it was good, it was good, I'm glad that I went, but unfortunately when I was there, what they told me was the AA program, and really what the AA program is, from my understanding today, was very different. They told me if I wrote my autobiography and all the bad things I did, and told my counselor, that would be a fourth step inventory, and a fifth step,
[00:40:00]
so I did that, I didn't feel any better, but I did that, and, you know, and if I prayed, you know, asked, you know, a higher power to come into my life, that would suffice, and I didn't feel better with that either, so I came back home, and whoops, I didn't pay my rent, and oops, they gave my place away, and my car was due, and so I had to get rid of that, couldn't pay for it, and oops, I had a scholarship to go to an art program, but I didn't show up for that either, so it wasn't looking very good, and so my best solution to all of that was to move in with a man that I was dating at the time, because why not? You can pay for my bills, right?
I don't think that was the kindest thing I've ever done, but I did that, and so I knew that when I came back from treatment, I knew that I was dealing with a much bigger problem than perhaps I thought before, and so I did anchor in at that time. I did get a home group. Jessica continued to be my sponsor, and I really thought that I was doing what you guys wanted me to do, you know? At the time, everyone smoked in the meetings, so I would wash your ashtrays, and I would wash the melamine coffee cups, and I would sweep the floor, and I'd set up meetings, and if you asked me to do it, I'd do it, and I was like, I'm a good AA, you know? As it becomes available to me today, I realized that I was really only coasting on fellowship at that point.
You know, in our literature, you see that triangle, the old literature, you see the triangle and the circle, and I really was only kind of hitting one point of that triangle, but I didn't know. Jessica is such a lovely person, and she helped me so much, but one thing that we really didn't do, we didn't open the literature, and for this alcoholic, I need real clear-cut directions. I really need to know what do I need to do, and how do I need to do it, the how and the why, and so I thought maybe if I fire Jessica, and I find someone else that's magical, everything will be fine, right? So I fired Jessica, and I tried to work with another woman, and we don't open the book either, but I go to lots of meetings, go to lots of meetings, I do whatever you tell me to do, and life seems okay, and I guess that's good, I guess that's all I got from AA, that's my thinking at the time. So I marry this gentleman that I have moved in with, because why not, I've moved in with you, and it seems like a great idea, and we really are happy together, I mean, I met him in the program, everything is going to be absolutely perfect, that's what I think. So I marry this man, and I just go on my happy way, and I live my life with this gentleman, and we have a family, and it looks on the outside that everything's great, it really looks magical. We end up having a farm, we end up having lots of kids, but when you open the door of my home, it's another story. My ex-husband, for whatever reasons, did drink again, and did some other activities again, and it got really ugly.
And how does that have anything to do with my alcoholism? Well, I got this problem that our book, our big book says, is centered right here between my temples, this is my problem. I have an alcoholic mind, and I think alcoholically, and without divine intervention, that mind will really, really run riot for me. And I begin to have dreams that I've drank again, or I'm helping my daughter with some homework or a project, and is cutting pictures out of a magazine, and it's Riccardi, rum, and the blonde woman of 55 pounds is laying there in the sun, and I'm thinking, that looks great, because I can remember, that was one of my friends. And I think, do other people, do their mouths water when they see an ad? I don't know, because I'm not willing to actually tell you that that's what's going on in my mind. And it just, it really goes from there to worse. And I think, well, if I can just manage my life, and all the people in my life, I'm going to be able to wreak satisfaction, right? That's what I'm going to do. And so, I end up with…
Right? That's what I'm going to do. And so I end up with my, my husband at the time, my family, I end up in this very, very conservative church. And that isn't good enough. So we choose one
[00:45:02]
that's even stricter. And from there, we just keep going, so that my world becomes smaller, and smaller, and smaller. But I think it's great, because I'm in charge. I am my, my own higher power. But I don't realize this. I continue going to meetings, but not that many, because I'm busy. I have a lot of kids. And I'm either pregnant, or I'm nursing, or I'm in church. And what I've effectively done at this point, is become this, this church person. And I love church. So I'm not talking down guys. But what I've done is I have replaced my AA program with church. And you know what, if that works for you, God bless you. I think that's wonderful. For this alcoholic, it's a real dangerous pathway. It could really lead me in a place that I'd never want to go. And that's exactly what happened. You know, I began to just do my one meeting a week. And of course, I would do whatever you said. So I called that service. I really don't go out on commitments anymore. I really don't speak much. I mean, what do I have to say? Really? And I have no idea that I am fading and drifting away. I have no idea. Because I just don't know. And by this time, I've moved to a pretty remote town, because it's cheaper, and we can afford a home. And so it gets even thinner.
And my world gets even smaller. But I don't know that either. Until finally, it gets so bad, because my life partner, I think, is burning the house down around us. And I don't know what to do. And I don't know where to go. And all I think is, can I either get something to swallow, or something at a doctor, you know? And I think to myself, well, I'm not going to drink, you know? I'm not going to drink. But I deserve, I deserve relief. That's what I deserve. I'm putting up with that. And I'm handling that. And I'm working on the side. And I got all these kids. And I got a farm. That's what I'm thinking. And I'm getting dangerously close to the line, guys. And again, no clue. Don't have an idea. Until finally, COVID hits. And finally, it breaks me. It breaks me.
And I no longer can stay in a home with alcohol and drugs. And I don't know what to do. And I think that it's just going to implode. And it does. It does. And some things happen. And maybe some police come to the door. And it was awful. Anyway, some bad things happen, you know? Because sometimes that does happen. And I finally, finally admit that I don't know what I'm doing. And I am not God. And I'm in deep, deep trouble. And it turns out that that ends up being my greatest, greatest gift. But I don't think so. Because I'm so desperate that I find a sponsor that I would never choose. A man in the North Country, we don't do that. I choose a man.
And I tell Doug, I'm like, hey, if you're, if you will be my sponsor, I'll do anything. I will do anything. I can't feel this way anymore. I can't. I don't want to live. I don't want to get up in the morning. I've got to do something. And you know, he has this cute little side smile. And he's like, great. That's awesome. And so I, you know, I jump in the book with this sponsor, who's nothing like anything that I've heard or seen. And he's like, Dee Dee, we have clear-cut directions. They're right here in the book. We'll tell you what you can do. And this will be a way of life. You don't have to feel this way. You never have to drink again. You never have to feel this bad ever again. And I'm looking at him like, yeah, right. But it turns out he's actually being honest with me. And it starts me on this pathway where I get to see his friends and I get to experience AA in this way that I can't really describe to other people. And so I end up hanging out with you guys who read the book on a regular basis, who studied the book on a regular basis, who do commitments on a regular basis, and who really understand that for certain alcoholics, this way of life is the way of life. And so I trade in my church garb. At this point, I am fully outfitted into the Mennonite style. And I just stop. I stop all of it. And I just focus on AA. I don't give up on God, but I'm just kind of like burnt out, you know?
And so I leave that church and I leave this area and I leave these people, not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to move and I have to leave everything behind. And I need to move back to my hometown where I was raised and help my parents as they begin to decline and die.
[00:50:03]
And so that's where I'm now. I'm up here. My mom has died. My dad is still alive, but he is failing. And I have this way of life today, guys, that I don't want to trade for anything. I'm not super great, I'll tell you that. But I have peace and I have prayer and I have a God that's real to me, not a God that's written on books and prayers that I just didn't believe in. But this God connection that I'm beginning to understand a little, that I have someone with me all the time.
And it's a matter of me just turning and saying, I need help. Or I have to take a minute. What do I do? And so life is really, really different in that way. And I don't live on a farm anymore. I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my last child. It's really, really different. But it's okay. You know, everything is okay and it's going to be okay. So that's my story. And it was good to come tonight. Thank you. Thank you, DeeDee. That was great. Thank you all for coming tonight and joining us. Well, you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back.
And we surely hope to see you next Thursday. And we will all be surprised because my speaker for next Thursday had to change her plans yesterday. So I found out late last night. So I'm going to keep finding. Keep looking. We'll have a speaker. But we'll keep looking. So if you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or your computer and tell them about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards on the meeting after the meeting, really on the back porch. And so, DeeDee, do you have any closing comments? And would you please close us with the prayer of your choice? I would say that as a person who was a little bit confused for a long while, that if you're new or you're coming back, you don't have to suffer. You don't have to feel just awful. We are we have people that really can help. And so I would just encourage the newcomer or the person coming back. Just raise your hand. Just tell us that you want some help and we'll reach out to you. I have found that a sponsor, literature and a variety of meetings are absolutely magical. And finding a God of your understanding is just perfect. It sews everything up together for a way of life that is far, far better than I ever could have imagined. So I really like The Our Father if you guys want to do that one. All right. Cool. All right. Well, I will I'll do as our home group does, and that is take a moment to invite God's presence again with us. And think about that alcoholic who's still suffering, whether in the halls or outside of the halls. Okay. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
You give us this day our daily bread. And you forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And you lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Amen. Okay, everybody can unmute and holler at her. Thank you. Thank you, Deedee. Thank you. My goodness. You're welcome.