July 1 9 5 1

I do not know. This was in 1939. Then, four years later, I met my first Paul cle Kricif, author AA, Earl. It was in the days when o f “Tlw Microbe Huntrrs.” AA was still obscure, and our meet- “Life Among rlte Doctors,” ing had nothing to do with AA, but came about through our common God Is Not Yourself urd other writings, lrelprd greatly in carrying word interests. Earl didn’t wear his alcoholic by Paul cle Kruif anonymity on his chest. He didn’t o f A A to the p~chlic t w subtlv to sell it. That he was a reharkake man because he was an A A -this sneaked up on me slowly T o ME, AAs aren’t ordinary human beings, because they’ve all been so near death, it seems spooky becomes the master physician. The medicine the AAs use is unique. Though it should be allfor all of us. I went to one of the best brain doctors in the world, so as we got to know each other better. down-to-earth that he was ashamed On the surface, Earl was just a slowthey’re still alive and healthy. To powerful, it has never been tried to be called a psychiatrist. “Yes, spoken man, a good Joe, and such me, they’re weird, like those rare with any consistent success i~gninst your man sounds like ;I real alco- a wonderful listener that he made people still living ten years after the any other major sickness. This mrdi- holic,” he said. I t was this doctor’s my stuff sound brilliant. cure of their “incurable” cancer. cine is no triumph of cheniical sci- conviction that the mind is only part In my job of reporting medical AAs are peculiar because, to keep ence, has needed no billion-dollar of the body. science, most of the human subjects alive and stay healthy, they must all scientific foundation to discover it. If you could cure the body, are more or less exceptional, not so get to be “doctors.” Without benefit does not come in capsules or sy- mightn’t you tix its drlrnken mind? much as people as because they’ve of an MD, they far surpass the power ringes. It is free ils air – with this That was my theory, not the doc- saved human life. As people, they’re of MD’S over chronic alcoholism. provision: that the patients it cures tor’s. “If we could collar this patient, proud of what they’ve done may- AAs are a strange lot, truly. With- have to nearly die before they can how about giving him deep insulin be the human brain, when so conout any knowledge of enzymes, bring themselves to take it. shock?” I asked the doctor. “The stantly used, tends a bit to exaggerate vitamins, and hormones, they’ve The A A s ‘ medicine is God and real McCoy, just this side of dying.” its own achievements. Though huntdragged over a hundred thousand God alone. This is their discovery. 1 knew this had been used with some ers for truth, these medical scientists far-goners out of a doom that baffles New kind of people-a new kind success on people desperately sick, are no more honest than the averour best physicians. of doctor. That’s what, for me, the mentally. age. In short, they’re no more nor Scientists speak of hormone or vi- AAs boil down to. It has taken a “That’s becn tried,” said the doc- less than human. tamin deficiencies as being at the rugged eight years to get this into tor. “It doesn’t seem to touch a real Earl was the opposite. He was bottom of alcoholism. The average my head clearly enough to begin to alcoholic.” Then the good doctor just a good salesman and certainly AA wouldn’t know a hormone from try to write about them. In this field, gave me the works. In a low voice, hadn’t done anything to make him a hole in the ground; he’d flunk any the cards were stacked against me. contidcntial, he pronounced a doom. a candidate for the Nobel Prize medical-school exam on the cause because of my ignorance. 1 didn’t “Alcoholics? When a man is a real but he was a bit beyond human. of alcoholism. How, then, do the believe alcoholism was curable. A alcoholic, he’s a louse,” said the What set him off from my scientists AAs get to be the great alcohol doc- rummy was a rummy, and too bad doctor. “Nothing’ll touch him.” and doctors was his lack of vanity, tors that they unquestionably are? for him. And I didn’t believe in God. That was that. Thus ended my his anonymity, a quality I intensely The answer is as simple as it is rug- Twelve years ago, it happened to first search for a cure for alcoholism. admire without being able to get ged -every AA has to first nearly be necessary to help a heavy-drink- We got our problem patient out of very good at it myself. If people, on die of the disease of which later he ing man who was making it tough our lives. What’s happened to him, being introduced, don’t recognize

1~. my name, I catch myself being a bit resentful. Earl’s anonymity was as natural “. ..they’d still d l be rummies if they hadn’t found a Higher Power.” as a fish’s swimming. He gave so I kept asking Earl and Ward. It was to the simple effect that “Does Salter believe in God?” little importance to being Earl that “You’re punctual; you’re consider- you had to admit you couldn’t save asked Earl. he had plenty of time to think of me. ate; you never try to slip anything yourself but could be saved only by “Not much. Salter believes in He radiated reliability. Like other past me; I can’t catch you lying. You a Higher Power, a Supreme Being. Pavlov.” It might have been added human beings, Earl made promises guys don’t fit the human pattern.” Did he mean God? Earl didn’t like that Salter believed in himself. And easily. But he kept them. All of I don’t remember which one gave to use the word “God.” But he Earl might have added that he knew them. When he said he was going to the answer, but I believe it was meant something greater than our- de Kruif believed in himself, terrifibe there at nine, he was there at nine Ward, though it doesn’t matter- selves? All-powerful? Yes. Well, I cally. and never an alibi. One morning, he they both were so anonymous. Any- didn’t believe in any god. I tried to Earl saw 1 thought I was running showed up on time on the dot, but way, one of them said, “It isn’t only argue with Earl that it didn’t have my show and was captain of my . red-eyed and groggy from no sleep. us. We AAs all had to get this way to bc any god that saved drunks. soul, the existence of which was It came out, reluctantly, that he’d to save our lives.” When AAs saved drunks, weren’t doubtful. Earl saw I thought I was been up all night trying to salvage It was an enigma. For years, off they using Pavlov’s conditioned re- some guy. And a heavy drinker. Yet a drunk. Then it came out that he’d and on, I talked with both of them, Hexes? At their meetings, didn’t they not needing AA at all. And yet, if been a drunk himself – one of those trying to puzzle it out. Here they’d keep each other from relapsing into I went on drinking . . ? . I regular lice, he admitted cheerfully; both been beat-up by years of ter- rummydom by conditioning each “Do you think I may need to join ‘ that, though now working full-time rific drinking; cruel to their wives, other with pep talk? up?” I asked Earl. (My boss had to get his business toehold, he spent their children, their parents; their Earl, in his stubborn manner, kept said, “Paul, you haven’t drunk the at least half of his time trying to save brains revolving, frantic, sleepless, saying that they’d still all be rum- Johnnie Walker people dry yet, but drunks; and that he never refused a in black despair; on the ropes, as mies if they hadn’t found a Higher you’ve got ’em working nights,” and call for help, no matter how vital a good as in the gutter – in short, Power and put themselves in His I considered that a great complibusiness appointment he might have human lice. And now here they hands. Earl’s stuttering honesty un- ment.) next day. In spite of this overload, were, only a little less than angels. dermined my argumentative pride of Earl smiled and said, “No, Paul, he was always asking what he could Maybe they’d had to get this way to intellect. For many years, I’d con- you don’t need us yet.” do for me and then doing it, pronto. save their lives. But how had they I’ It would be a humiliation to need sidered myself a bit of an authority This was my introduction to AA. done it? on Pavlov. For me, that fierce, beard- AA, I thought. Then fate intervened Earl was the man I wish I could be. By this time, not only Earl and ed old man from the North had the to spare me such humbling. My liver He was a Sermon on the Mount, Ward, but the fact of some 25,000 answers to the working, not only of went bad -not out-and-out cirrhowalking. AAs pulled out of the ash can con- the human brain, but of the soul . . . sis, but all liver-function tests hay- Of course, this might have been vinced me that my great doctor was if there was one. wire. Tired all the time. So damned a coincidence; in history; there have wrong when he wrote alcoholics off To Earl, in argument, 1 brought tired. Rhea, with her five feet two been many saints who have not been as hopeless. I wanted to write this up my old friend Andrew Salter. I inches, walking faster over the dunes drunkards. But wait. Here was Earl’s good news, but couldn’t. How would told Earl that Salter had made a than 1 could. Feeling all the time like partner, Ward. He was an ex-drunk, such fantastic cures make sense when great scientific advance, bringing walking against a gale of wind. TWO too. He was an AA, and he and I didn’t know what the cure was? I conditioned-reflex science from the or three times after very heavy drink- Earl were twins in superhuman con- kept probing for that with Earl, and dog to man. “Can Salter save alco- ing, blanking out. That scared me. duct. his groping explanation kept s t o p holics?” Earl asked with a smile. Not irresponsible. Showing up at my “How did you guys get this way?” ping me cold. “No, he can’t.” writing table every morning. Not yet

a real alcoholic, not in my brain doc- absolutely roundabout way, by not How did hormones and vitamins alcoholics into normal drinkers, by tor’s “louse” category. But those looking for God at all. Who had threaten AA? This way. If AAs a high vitamin formula. blackouts and the fatigue and the saved me? Not God. No. Rhea and So alcoholism was chemical? So thought hormones and vitamins ‘ gummed-up liver-function tests Dr. Rafsky, plus huge daily thera- could wipe out their craving for alit was simply a hormone or a vitascared me. peutic doses of vitamins, plus shots min block? cohol and make them drink nor- For my pride, it was nice that it of crude liver extract, plus hormones To this seeming good news, my mally, would they stay dry and stick now needed no humbling before a and the new low alcohol intake – reaction was strange. Hadn’t I al- to God when the pills and shots God whose very existence I denied. all these had saved me. Not God. It ways been for science and against were easier? It was still just a matter for medical still seemed as impossible to under- this God business? You can weigh In my confusion, it seemed as if science, not God. Rhea and Dr. stand Earl’s God as it had always and measure vitamins and hormones, a fate was guiding me. Marc Rose Henry A. Rafsky (who says we are been to take any stock in the old but how can you dose with God? of Reader’s Digest asked me to study not as old as our arteries, but as old helltire-and-damnation Dutch Re- I’d always been on the side of sci- Dr. James J. Smith’s hormone scias our livers) showed me the omi- formed God of my fathers. ence – the more materialistic, the ence for a possible RD story. That nous figures of the liver-function Then, in 1950, came what looked more godless, the better. Now here science looked so good, it seemed tests. Rhea and Henry asked did I like a threat to AA. Even though I was worrying about my friends the more dangerous to AA than ever. want to go on living. I looked at I didn’t believe in God – the AA AAs, who had only God for a med- Dr. Smith had a few ex-drunks Rhea, so stern, so devoted, so lov- medicine – to me, the AAs were icine. under control by hormones. AA had ing. I didn’t want to die. great because they had saved so By this time, AA had about a a hundred thousand under control Henry cut down my whisky to many lives. Unquestionably. Even hundred thousand ex-rummies, real- by God. It’s true, Dr. Smith urged three jiggers a day. This was two with a medicine to me nonexistent. ly doomed peuple, but now dry, now his hormone cures to stay dry. But and a half years ago; and the liver- But now AA was in danger. It was healthy, now fine citizrrls -most of could I take the responsibility of function tests have reverted to nor- reported by Dr. James J. Smith of them exceptional. Just by faith and writing a story about hormones only? mal. The tiredness is much less. In New York that he could control works. By faith in God. And by de- Maybe tempting AAs away from a year, enough brain energy was acute alcoholism and post-binge voted work, getting to be doctors to God? back for me to find out what Earl craving for alcohol by shots of adre- salvage others doomed. At this, sci- Earl came to the rescue. I told meant by that Higher Power, by nal cortex extract – “ACE.” It was entilic medicine had failed. The AAs him this threat of hormones de- “God.” reported that Dr. Roger Williams of had succeeded; the MD’S acknowl- manded that, at last, I must write This discovery came about in an the University of Texas could change edged it. about AA -but how could I, not

believing in their mcdicinc’? Could 1 compromise, by writing about both AA and hormones, as a doublebarreled hope? I t turncd out Earl wasn’t against hormones ;it all. But, with his slow smile, hc asked what I really knew about the AAs’ mcdicine. “Nothing but what you and Ward have told me about your Higher Power.” Their thoughts of God had been too big for their mouths, so I couldn’t make head or tail of it. ‘Do I now believe, or am I even cisely what they wanted and told the moment of his deepest despair, “Have you read our book Alco- willing to believe, that there is a God about it in no uncertain terms. another AA said, “Suddenly, it seemholics Anonymous?” Earl asked. He Power greater than myself?’ ” If a In contrast, in the book here was ed to me I had the answer. These had given it to me many years be- man’s answer was “Yes,” the book an AA, praying: “I’ve made a mess men [the ex-drunks doctoring him] fore. said, he was “on his way.” of thing and can’t do anything of themselves were nothing and felt “Not really read it. Too many 1 cluttered the book with marginal about it. You take me and all my themselves nothing.” miracles. Too much camp meeting. comments, noting: “Their God is troubles and do what You want with Their salvation was for some of No understand,” I said. Earl asked only a positive way of saying, ‘I me.” them instantaneous; for others, slow me to study the book the way I dug can’t do it by myself.’ ” This made me pontkr. In con- and painful. Earl himself had obthrough scientific papers. A man saved from alcoholic ob- ventional prayer, wheii you pray for jected to what he called the “spiritual Now came a humiliating experi- livion testified, “There is somefiting. rain or sunshine or a new Cadillac, factor.” A power greater than himence -of finding clear what I should I know not what it is, but it is big- you are still trying to run your own self? At first, it was only the little have learned years before. I shan’t ger than I. If I will acknowledge it, show. On the contrary, another AA group of AAs helping him. Then ever forget the reading- no, the if 1 will give in . . . All I had to do said, “Every day, I let Him do all Earl, joining them to save others, study -of the AAs’ book: spelling was believe in some power greater the caring. Who am I to run myself himself not yet recovered completeit out word by word; trying to find than myself and knuckle down to it.” or anyone else?” ly, saw it wasn’t merely himself and inconsistencies and failing; search- Another ex-rummy said, “You My Dutch Reformed forebears in the other AA men. It was something ing in every line and on every page, admit you’ve made a mess of things church sang their psalms and prayed not human; it was something curithrough what I had considered saw- trying to run them your own way. and joined up in well-polished shoes, ously negative. “When an alcoholic dust-trail testimonials – to find a . . . Here it is, God, all mixed up. I Prince Albert coats, and striped once accepts the fact that he is powfantastic unanimity in what all these don’t know how to unmix it. I’ll pants. In contrast, here was the way erless to recover unaided, he is ex-derelicts understood by this med- leave it to You.” a typical AA had found God: “If is hooked,” Earl said. icine that had saved them from the It was like no other praying I’d only when a nlun has tried every- Here was the strange medical gutter, from insanity, from dying. ever met. In my childhood Calvin- thing else, when in utter desperation technique of the AAs, as told in What they understood clearly was istic religion, the dominies and dea- and terrific need he turns to some- their book: They had to make a man what I’d looked for all my life. What cons and elders had prayed for rain, thing bigger than himself, that he worse before he could get better. they understood was not mystical or for success, and against pestilence gets a glimpse of the way out.” “The alcoholic has got to hit bottom contradictory. “We needed to ask and fire and sudden death. My child- The book began to make me un- . . .to be reduced to a state of comourselves but one short question. hood religious teachers knew pre- derstand Earl’s strange humility. At plete dependence on whatever or

whoever can stop his drinking . . . Scratch a Dutchman and you find a open-minded as only the dying can theologist, the saying goes. I’d read be.” theology. It told me, on the one The religious awakening was the hand, that God is love, and on the opposite of mystical; it was really other, that He is a Vindictive Old down-to-earth and simple. It was Man. The sects couldn’t agree upon only “the act of giving up one’s re- a definition of God at all. liance on one’s own omnipotence . . . For the AAs? God is not yortrself. the defiant individual no longer de- To get that clear – what a sunfies, but accepts help. . . from out- rise for me! “It is only whcn a man side.” has tried everything clse, whcn in There was a bit of science (which utter desperation . . .” I t wasn’t 31is only learning by experience) in coholism that threatened me. But the AAs’ salvation. One AA, now there are other disintegrations of dry for fifteen years, was, like any character that can drive a man to scientist, convinced by his experi- despair. And wasn’t I disintegrated’? mental protocols. “At first I had no At the end of the study of the faith. The power greater than my- book of the AAs, I bowed my head self was only my fellow AAs. I in shame. Whilt a contrast between couldn’t pray. Then I learned a little the AAs and me! I had gloried in prayer: Thy will, not mine, be done. the confusion among sects i~ndwhat Then I saw the results of what we had always seemed to mc the absurd were doing: men dragged from the contradictions of their ideas of God insane asylum and the edge of the that divided Catholics, Anglicans, grave. Then 1 began to have faith. Presbyterians, Methodists, Bi~ptists. God was not the other AAs or my- and Jehovah’s Witncsscs. But the self. . . God is in all others. God’s AAs? Humble, they worked with all voice is my own conscience. All 1 sects, joined all kinds of churches. have to do is to follow my own con- AAs were devoid of that pride of science. God help me now to do intellect that made me deny God bewhat’s right; Thy will, not mine, be cause there were thousands of difdone. Then humility equals God be- ferent ideas about Him. cause when truly humble you can- In the spring of 1950, Earl cilmc not do it yourself.” to Wake Robin to brief me for the Earl and the book Alcoholics writing of the RL) story.* “You’re Anonymous, by making God simple, going to write it, all right,” he said. had made me understand Him. Earl I told him we’d have a good shot at and the book had purged me of the it, anyway. “Why do you think you forty-five years of confusion and can write it?” Earl asked. atheism that had haunted me ever “Because I can pray now, at last,” since I’d begun to think at all. I said. “Doable-Burreled Hope for Alc~oholics.” Reader’s Digest. October 1930