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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 921 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: riaan-d-keep-it-simple-nasac-johannesburg-2006.mp3 Duration: 00:17:49
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My name's Riaan, I'm an addict. Okay. I'm going to start off by just saying thank you to everybody for this convention. Thank you to the people who shared in front of me. Made me feel a lot less nervous, but I'm still very nervous. Thank you for chairing the meeting, and thank you for the committee who organized the whole event. I need to say a few things clear. I did not accept on the registration form to share here. I was approached and hunted down later and my sponsor made me do this, so this is like involuntarily. I sort of told myself a year ago, I told myself I will share at a convention, but only after five years. That sounded very convenient for me, you know, to give myself some time. But I'm actually very honored and I feel very grateful to be able to share at this meeting, because I've received so much from this convention, from a lot of people, especially from the people from Texas and also from Amsterdam. Thank you very much. I got so much out of your shares.
Like, I'm really motivated to get involved in my service, and I want to get into a prison. That's been on my mind for a long time, and I think that kind of says, I've done a prison like once, and to be honest, that was one of the most humbling experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm still very young, and when I walked out of those prisons, I sort of had this thought in my mind that I'm actually supposed to be in there. I'm actually supposed to be in there for quite a while, and by the grace of God, I'm not. And that brings me to the topic of Keep It Simple. When I came into this program, someone told me that recovery is not easy, but yet it is simple if you follow this program. And I couldn't understand that.
I entered this program for the first time six years ago, and I was 18 years old, and I was very arrogant, and to me, up until this time, people did not get clean. That was just like it didn't happen. I met so many addicts, and we used to pass each other on the corners of Sunnyside, and I used to go, like, how are you doing, brother? And he used to be, now I'm clean. And I'm like, yes, I'm clean as well. I'm just standing here checking out the view, you know. And we're both waiting for our dealers, and we know that. But I was in such denial that I thought if I told people that I'm doing well, then they'll leave me alone. But the whole world knew what I was up to. I was in denial about what I was busy with.
I got into recovery the second time around after a relapse, and when I relapsed, I went out for a year, and I did some more research. And in that year, I managed to stuff my life up to the nth degree. When people talk about a progressive illness, this is a progressive illness. And I came in this time around not by force, not by anyone telling me to, because there was no one to tell me to. People didn't want anything to do with me. I was basically broken, emotionally, spiritually empty. The drugs had stopped working. I remember using, using, and using, and I was sitting in a park, and the thought occurred to me that I had no one to talk to, you know. Like, I couldn't even phone my friends, because they would just want to use my drugs. Like, that was my friends. My friends were using partners. And even at that, we had a lot of beef between us. And it just occurred to me that this is no life, you know.
And I had a taste of N.A. Like, I came to N.A. two years prior to that. But the first time I came around, I came in here handicapped. I was in a huge car accident, and I was, like, crippled. I had one leg and one arm. So, I couldn't really not come here, you know. People, like, forced me to come here. And when I came into the program this time around, all of a sudden, like, there was a little bit of willingness, you know. And I decided when I came in that I'm going to try and follow suggestions. And that brings me to my first topic with Keep It Simple. When I came into this program, people told me about suggestions. And I thought they were trying to make life harder for myself, because they told me, don't get into a relationship the first year. Work the steps. Get a sponsor. Do service. And all these things. And all these things were things that didn't come naturally to me, you know. This kind of stuff takes effort. And I'm not one for effort. And I sort of, like, struggled with that stuff for a year. And I bumped my head time and time again.
Like, I'm a hard learner. People tell me, don't do this. I have to go and do it to try it. Standing here now, I think, like, I've learned my lessons. And today, like, I can share that with other people. And after a year, I started getting into the suggestions. You know, I think that's when my recovery actually started taking off. I started doing the legwork. You know, this is a program of action. You know, what I know will get me nowhere. After my first year, I thought, like, all this knowledge, you know, it's so powerful. And I kept on making mistakes. And I thought to myself,
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what's wrong with me? You know, why do I keep on acting out on these character defects? And why
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things that I actually worked on, like, sort of come out in another way. And I realized that there are worlds within worlds in this program. Like, I can take this step as far as I want to take it. The first year was about the drugs. The second year was about giving away and about the fellowship. And also about my issues with life-on-life terms. Life-on-life terms, I don't find it easy, honestly. Like, it's like, I wouldn't say it's a struggle. Like, it's manageable today. You know, it's manageable in the form that if I work this program, then I can cope with it. You know, I have a sponsor to speak to. I'm a stepwork junkie at the moment. Like, that's, I need to do stepwork. For me, I have to write it. Because if I don't write stepwork, I can't do this stuff, like, out of my head. You know what I mean? Like, I can't just sit there and read about it. I forget about it the same day. For me, going to meeting and talking about my stuff, that's getting it out in the moment. But the next morning, I can't even remember what I shared. That's why I need to put it down on paper. And when I do this, like, I discover things about myself that I never thought that I would. Service in recovery has done so much for me. You know, like, I'm, I had a lot of work to do on myself. I remember when I came in, I went to, I went to places like the AIDS babies, like, sit there and feed children. I thought to myself, how the hell is this going to help me to stay clean? You know, these people just trying to make me feel guilty. And I think it worked, you know, because I sat there and all of a sudden, I started caring. You know, this is something that I hadn't done. Like, I used to only care about myself, like, the universe did revolve around me, like people have said before. And all of a sudden, it gave me an opportunity to start experiencing, like, other emotions, you know. And, and I realized I actually have a lot to be grateful for. There's a shitload that I take for granted. And I need to be reminded of this on a daily basis. And that's where the fellowship comes into play. My sponsor, very dear to me, thank you very much for forcing me to share here today. Like, we, you know, I've had this journey with him for these last couple of months. Like, I changed sponsors. And today I understand that there's, there's nothing wrong with that. You know what I mean? I had a brilliant relationship with my first sponsor. I sort of, like, gained everything out of him that I could. Became very good friends at the end. And I just saw my current sponsor and he had something that I wanted. Like, he was a very assertive person and I wanted those qualities, you know. I sometimes have a problem with being assertive. People pleasing is one of my biggest character defects and it takes me down time and time again.
I'm on step 11 at the moment. And step 11, we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him and pray for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. That is the prayer that I say every morning. Like, knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. Because for me, like, anything more than that confuses just that, you know. Like, my self-will gets me into trouble time and time again.
And usually when things go well, I sort of think, you know, maybe I can just take a little bit of control back. Like, and it slaps me in the face every time. I need to remain, like, I need to have humility. I need to remain humble, you know. When I do these things which are very, very difficult for me to do, I don't find it easy, good things happen to me, you know. Today I can have a realistic viewpoint of myself. Like, today I know I'm equal. I always used to be under, I used to be over.
And today, like, I mean, to come to a convention like this, I feel a part of. You know, when I rocked up here on Monday, on Friday, all of a sudden I just started getting involved, like, helping to set up. And it was the best thing for me, you know, just to get out of myself. That's what service does for me. Less of me and just, like, experience and give to other people. That's where I get happiness from, you know. I used to think that drugs made me happy. Drugs just made me miserable, man.
Like, I used that stuff to feel normal, you know. When I said that the drug stopped working, it really did, you know. If there was something that they could give me at that time that would take the pain away and that would numb those feelings, I would have fucking taken it. I think there was probably ketamine, but I couldn't, like, stay out of it all the time. I couldn't score, you know. It was just hell, man. It was real hell. And I came into recovery this time around at the age of 20, you know. Coming in thinking, like, when I came in when I was 18 years old, I thought, like, man, I've at least got until I'm 30 years old, you know. These people that I see in the rooms come in at, like, 30, 35, 40, you know. I would never make it until 25 if I was still using, you know. I was on my way out. I've been arrested a couple of times. I sort of had this thing that I did where I just used to bust people, man, to keep my ass out of trouble, you know. And I was a very unwelcome person in the place that I scored because I just didn't care anymore. No one meant anything to me. I could get drugs from other people. And that kind of lifestyle just is not appealing to me today anymore, you know. By this program, I don't have to live like that. Today when I wake up, the best thing, like, the most, the thing that I'm the most grateful for are small choices that I can make, you know,
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what I want to have for breakfast. I never used to eat. I came into recovery weighing, like, 65 kilograms. I weigh 105 now. Yes, I have been working out. But, and, like, it's awesome, you know. Like, I can do these things. I never used to think that I would, I would like certain stuff that I do today with people, you know. I don't have to impress anyone, you know. I can go to work. I can do my work.
I've got a career today that is awesome. It's something that I've always wanted to be, you know. Someone in a halfway house helped me to, like, establish my talent, you know, because I wanted what he had. People in the rooms gave me my first job, you know. Like, I had very humble beginnings, and I need to always remember where I come from, you know. I never get, like, too big-headed. Still got a long way to go, man. People sometimes go, like, you know, well done for your clean tum, all the rest of it. And I agree with Elliot, it's not about how long I've been clean, but it's about the depth of my recovery, you know what I mean. It doesn't matter how long I've been clean.
That is just to show people that it's possible. For me, I've got to stay clean for the next, probably, like, 55 years. It's a long damn time. And luckily, I can do this just for today, you know. I just have to do it for today. And I'm going to keep with this program, like someone shared over the weekend as well. There is no, yes, I'm doing meetings at the moment. Shit, man. Like, I have to do meetings, you know what I mean. I do, like, currently three meetings a week. That's not because I'm crazy, you know, like, I'm a little bit crazy. But I need to do those meetings, because I get there and I have an opportunity to give, you know. And that's why I would rather, almost, instead of doing three, rather try and get into a prison. So, I'm from Pretoria. I represent Pretoria. I think I'm the only one of two. How many Pretoria people do we have here? I'm the only one. There's another one. And, like, Pretoria is growing, you know. This is one of the places, I mean, it's the same as Joburg, same as Cape Town. We have a huge drug problem, you know. I have people coming to me from Mamalodi, and they have a huge problem there as well. And I wish, like, we had the facilities in Pretoria. Our H&I is getting there, but I wish we had the facilities to get in there, you know. People are dying from this disease and they can't get out of it, and they're very desperate. And that's amazing, also, being part of this fellowship in this whole process, that we're starting to infiltrate these places.
Um, but I have to keep to the program, you know, the suggestions. My sponsor's step work and do meetings. If I do these things, then everything's going to go well. And that's like keeping it simple for me. I just do that, you know. I do that. That's covered. I do my step work. Structure, for me, is something that I never had. And today, I love it, you know. I love what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing on a Monday night. I know what I'm doing on a Tuesday night. I know what I'm doing on a Wednesday night. Like, my week is planned. And someone came to me once and they told me, but that's boring. Like, you know what you're doing every night. That's good for me, you know.
Because if I don't know what I'm doing at night, like, things start going crazy. Then my head starts turning. I need to have a set structure. And, like, recovery is fun as well, you know. I've had, like, some of the best times in my life in recovery. Um, I can do things today that I could never do before. Um, the first time around, I came into recovery, I almost, like, I almost lost my arm. They gave me a 50-50 percent chance to keep my arm. They reconstructed my shoulder.
And, um, I've got all my limbs today, you know. I'm not in jail. I've got a job. I've got a place to stay. And if I have a roof over my head, food to eat, um, and a bed to sleep on, then, like, I've had a good day in recovery, you know. That means that I'm successful. Um, I had something else here. Also, I just want to echo service, you know. This is about the primary purpose of this fellowship is to carry the message, you know. When I started doing service at treatment centers, like, that's awesome, man. That's once again, that's where you can connect with people. I think if I knew about the program before, you know, maybe I could have come into the program earlier.
I only found out about this program, um, after I was in that car accident when I was 18 years old. Before that, I never heard of it, you know. And I think that's very important, like, to spread the message, to get it out there so that people know that there is a way out, you know. Can you imagine still being in that using state? And, like I said, I never used to think that this is possible. I've tried, man. Like the preamble say, religion, psychiatry, I've been through all those things, you know. I had, like, this minister dude stand in front of me and tell me that he's going to, like, chase the demons out of me. But first, he's going to make my left leg the same length as my right leg because they were skewed. And I looked at my legs and I was like, dude, they look straight to me. And he just, he did these things. And even in that state, like, I was so desperate. I was, like, do it, man. You know what I mean? You can do this. If I can wake up tomorrow morning and I don't have the desire to use, cool. I used straight after that session. Um, you know, I've been, even after the car accident, I was trying to get, like, my dealers in there to bring me my drug of choice because I wanted to, like, inject it into the IV that ran straight into my arm. They actually found me naked in the bottom of the hospital because my hospital was in Sunnyside, which was my scoring ground, and they just did the
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shoulder operation, I can't remember this, they found me downstairs in my little robe ready to get out of there, and I know where I was going, because I was heading in that direction, and I actually started fighting with the people, and all the screws in my shoulder went loose, and I had to go back. I had three operations in my shoulder in a period of six weeks. When I woke up there, I was strapped down to the bed, man, I wasn't going anywhere, and I was strapped down for a few weeks, and that's when I first got involved with this program.
I'm so grateful, thank you to everyone who's a part of my process, and this is not a program about being perfect, you know what I mean, I've accepted that a long, long time ago, you know, today I can accept myself for me, character defects, assets, and today I can work on the assets, you know, like I have this opportunity to keep building on myself. It was a topic about relationships, like man, do I struggle with those, you know, relationships are not easy, but once again, they are much better today than they were.
Someone spoke earlier, one guy from Texas said that he made plans to kill his father, you know, I made those plans as well, because my father was like someone that I wanted gone, he was never a part of my life, but he kept coming in to take me out in addiction. Today me and my father are best friends, you know, like we work together, I can sit with him and talk about my recovery, and he's so amped up about this, the last few conventions he paid for me to fly to Cape Town and to Durban, he paid for my bookings and everything, and he said this is my part that I'm doing for your recovery, because he knows he can't get involved in my meetings, that's my place, and that is just priceless, you know what I mean, like I never had that.
My family today are awesome, like I love them to bits, even though it's difficult, you know, this isn't all like easy going, but today it's well worth it. Still got to share for a little while probably. I'm very grateful that there aren't that many people here this morning, like honestly, that was like one of my, in my prayers this morning as well. You know the one thing is I listen to a lot of shares from overseas, and the guys there, like they really amped me up, like we had the shares here at this convention, you know, it's awesome.
I so want to experience what like other countries have to offer, you know, I want to go experience the world. I think it must be the coolest thing going to other fellowships all across the world, and just like sitting in there talking to the people and building relationships, you know, I think that's awesome. And I'm heading towards that, today that's possible, today anything's possible, all I need to do is stay clean and do this program, you know, and follow it to the best of my ability and everything will be alright.
Thank you very much for letting me share. Thank you.