Transcript

[00:08.3 – 00:10.5] Um, I'm an addict named Mello. [00:10.5 – 00:11.2] Hey, Mello. [00:11.2 – 00:20.1] Um, and I, I, I wanna start by, uh, you know, uh, God's greatest gift to me is February 18th, 1992. [00:20.1 – 00:21.2] That's my clean date. [00:21.2 – 00:29.4] And, uh, for that I am, I am truly, truly grateful. [00:29.4 – 00:32.7] I am extremely nervous up here. [00:32.7 – 00:34.3] Um- Right. [00:34.3 – 00:44.4] It's, uh, it's quite an honor and a privilege to get asked to do things in Narcotics Anonymous, and it's, it's even more of an honor and a privilege, [00:44.4 – 00:48.6] and it- it's really something special for me to come back here. [00:48.6 – 00:53.1] Uh, this is my home, you know? [00:53.1 – 00:54.3] I was born here. [00:54.3 – 00:56.3] I was raised here. [00:56.3 – 00:58.6] I started using here. [00:58.6 – 01:02.4] I stopped using here, and started to live here. [01:02.4 – 01:08.7] Um, you know, uh, and, and, and I'm, I'm gonna jump right into this a little bit. [01:08.7 – 01:19.0] You know, um, I, I get asked to do these things on, on a, a, you know, a somewhat regular basis and, and every time I get asked it's always an honor and always a privilege, and I g- I get very nervous, [01:19.0 – 01:20.3] so I always start with a story. [01:20.3 – 01:22.9] You know, um, I cleaned up here in El Paso, man. [01:22.9 – 01:27.9] Uh, matter of fact, the first meeting I went to is still at the exact same place, man, you know? [01:27.9 – 01:29.3] And, and that's, that's… [01:29.3 – 01:35.9] You know, if you've been around Narcotics Anonymous, that's something special when, when a, when m- a meeting's been there for over 16 years. [01:35.9 – 01:36.7] That's right. [01:36.7 – 01:37.1] You know? [01:37.1 – 01:39.6] 'Cause that just doesn't happen, you know? [01:39.6 – 01:41.2] We, we usually screw it up. [01:41.2 – 01:45.0] You know, like, on a regular basis, you know? [01:45.0 – 01:49.4] You know, I belonged to home groups and we moved five times in five years, you know? [01:49.4 – 01:52.4] And, and, and it's usually with our cigarette smoking, you know? [01:52.4 – 01:57.6] Uh Like they were talking earlier, you know, “Don't smoke in your room. [01:57.6 – 02:00.7] It's not a non-smoking room,” you know, and all that kinda jazz. [02:00.7 – 02:07.2] But, you know, um, when I first got here, it, the Narcotics Anonymous in this area was really small, you know? [02:07.2 – 02:13.9] And, and, and I, I remember that, uh, how we got a lot of our message was through speaker tapes, you know? [02:13.9 – 02:23.8] And I remember my, my sponsor at that time, we would go to his house on, on, on Sunday afternoons and, and we'd watch football and, and he, he'd cook this soul food. [02:23.8 – 02:27.6] And I never had soul food before until I came to Narcotics Anonymous, you know? [02:27.6 – 02:30.3] And he kinda introduced me to that, and it was good stuff, man. [02:30.3 – 02:31.1] I love that stuff. [02:31.1 – 02:32.3] I haven't had it in a while. [02:32.3 – 02:37.6] But anyways, you know, we would go there and, um, we would, we would listen to these tapes. [02:37.6 – 02:43.7] We would watch football, you know, and we would turn the, the sound off of the football and he had this… [02:43.7 – 02:50.9] He, he, you know, he's from Philly, you know, and he had th- some friends up in Philly that would send us convention tapes, you know? [02:50.9 – 02:57.0] So our predecessors for us in this area kinda started off on a speaker tape, you know? [02:57.0 – 03:00.4] 'Cause at that time i- in this area, you know, the, the… [03:00.4 – 03:05.6] I think there was, like, a few people with three or four years, five years maybe, tops, you know? [03:05.6 – 03:09.3] So we, we got a lot of our experience, strength, and hope through these tapes. [03:09.3 – 03:11.0] I know I did, you know? [03:11.0 – 03:20.8] And, and, and there's a story that, uh, you know, and let me start off by saying, you know, a- anything that I say up here is, is not original, you know? [03:20.8 – 03:27.9] Um, i- if you've been around in Narcotics Anonymous, you're gonna find out that, you know what, everything gets passed down, you know? [03:27.9 – 03:29.4] It just comes down the line, you know? [03:29.4 – 03:30.4] A lot of stuff that… [03:30.4 – 03:32.9] It's just my interpretation, you know? [03:32.9 – 03:35.9] Just 'cause I'm up here doesn't mean I'm nothing special, man. [03:35.9 – 03:41.0] You know, I'm just another addict just like you out there that's just trying to stay clean just for today. [03:41.0 – 03:45.9] That's all I'm trying to do, man, is just get through another day clean, you know? [03:45.9 – 03:50.8] And, and so, so I, I, I say that in case I screw anything up. [03:50.8 – 03:54.4] Yeah . [03:54.4 – 03:54.6] Yeah, you know? [03:54.6 – 03:58.3] You know, if, if I say something you don't like, you know, it wasn't me. [03:58.3 – 03:59.6] I got it from somebody else. [03:59.6 – 04:07.8] And, uh, you know, so there's this story, man, and, and I really love this story and I always like to start with this story. [04:07.8 – 04:10.2] But, um, you know, I was just thinking about something, man. [04:10.2 – 04:11.2] It just popped in my head. [04:11.2 – 04:17.3] Uh, there's something that my, uh, one of my sponsees does every time he goes to a meeting, and I think it's real pertinent that we do it here. [04:17.3 – 04:22.1] Um, I really love the way that this convention has recognized a newcomer with the orange tags. [04:22.1 – 04:32.6] That is so important because I know as a newcomer coming to a convention maybe for their first time, I remember me, I was very scared and this was really overwhelming, [04:32.6 – 04:32.9] you know? [04:32.9 – 04:38.4] And, and I didn't wanna go talk to people, and I'll even show you some repercussions of that a little later and what happened to me. [04:38.4 – 04:45.9] Um, but, um, I would really like it if we could get up and just hug each other and show each other the love of this fellowship. [04:45.9 – 04:49.2] So please, let's, let's introduce ourselves. [04:49.2 – 06:09.5] I'll [06:09.5 – 06:10.0] kill you. [06:10.0 – 06:14.5] Thank you. [06:14.5 – 06:14.9] Thank you. [06:14.9 – 06:18.5] Um, all right. [06:18.5 – 06:20.0] Yeah. [06:20.0 – 06:22.5] We need Joey now to talk. [06:22.5 – 06:23.1] Yeah. [06:23.1 – 06:28.0] Now that I ate up 15 minutes of my time, I'm good to go. [06:28.0 – 06:33.2] Um, you know, and, and I, I really want you to… [06:33.2 – 06:38.6] I w- I want, I want to encourage you to, you know, talk to these guys when you see them walking around with these orange tags. [06:38.6 – 06:45.0] 'Cause it is, it's, it's, you know, I'm one of those guys that when I got in a big crowd like this, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. [06:45.0 – 06:45.8] You know what I'm saying? [06:45.8 – 06:50.5] And especially when I first got here, and I felt like that for quite a while after getting here. [06:50.5 – 06:57.2] Um, you know, so getting back to this story, I wanna start with this story, and, and it's about this guy, and he's a guy just like us, man. [06:57.2 – 06:59.9] You know, and, and he's in this hole, man, you know? [06:59.9 – 07:08.7] And, and he's in this hole, and this hole is just filled with degradation and shame and guilt and a lot of hurt and anger and frustration. [07:08.7 – 07:12.0] And he's just in this hole, and he's just trying to get out of this hole, you know? [07:12.0 – 07:14.8] And he's really struggling with getting out of this hole, you know? [07:14.8 – 07:24.5] And, and, and life's just passing him by, and, and people are walking by him and all that kind of stuff, and he's yelling up out of this hole, “Please, please, can somebody help me get out of this hole? [07:24.5 – 07:33.6] Can somebody just help me get out of this hole?” And, and this doctor walked by, and, and he stopped at the hole, and he's like, “What's the matter with you, son?” And he's like, “Can, can you help me get out of this hole? [07:33.6 – 07:42.1] I'm just, I'm just so miserable and, and I'm, I keep trying and I just can't get out of this hole.” You know, so being, being a good doctor that he was, he wrote him some scripts. [07:42.1 – 07:43.5] You know? [07:43.5 – 07:46.2] And, uh, threw him down some scripts. [07:46.2 – 07:53.2] He said, “If you just take these, man, these'll help you get out of this hole.” And you know, and, and, and being who he was, he took all of them at once. [07:53.2 – 07:59.3] And, uh, you know, 'cause one's too many, you know? [07:59.3 – 08:06.5] And, and and, and so he, and, and, and he's, he's just struggling, man, and he's having a hard time getting out of this hole, you know? [08:06.5 – 08:16.6] And, and, and it's getting worse and, and it seems like every time he, he puts one foot up, he slides down 10, and he's just really struggling, and he's yelling up, “Please, help me get out of this hole. [08:16.6 – 08:23.7] Help me get out of this hole.” And along comes a, a book man, a scholar man, a smart guy, and he, he's yelling up to him, “Help me get out of this hole. [08:23.7 – 08:28.6] Help me get out of this hole.” And he looks down at him, and he's like, “Look, just read this, you know? [08:28.6 – 08:30.4] Read some of this stuff, man. [08:30.4 – 08:31.3] It helped me. [08:31.3 – 08:39.5] Just read some of this stuff.” And he threw him down some books, and he read the books, man, and, and, and it just didn't get him out of the hole, you know? [08:39.5 – 08:49.6] And he's starting to struggle, man, and, and, and he's really, and he's itching, and he's rolling around in this stuff, and all these hurt feelings and anger and resentment and, and shame [08:49.6 – 08:51.9] and guilt, and he's like, “Just get me out of this hole. [08:51.9 – 09:02.0] Can you help me get out of this hole?” And his mom comes by, you know, and, and, and she looks down at him with all the love in her heart, and he's like, “Mom, help [09:02.0 – 09:06.1] me get out of this hole.” She said, “Baby, just stop. [09:06.1 – 09:16.2] Just stop.” You know, and she sent down all the love that she could muster up to get him out of that hole, you know, and all that love couldn't [09:16.2 – 09:18.8] get him out of the hole, you know? [09:18.8 – 09:26.0] And, and he, and he's starting to really hurt, man, and, and, and he's starting to get that hopelessness and helplessness and just feeling like, you know what? [09:26.0 – 09:31.7] This is just how it's gonna be for the rest of his life, and he's never gonna get out of this hole, you know? [09:31.7 – 09:36.4] And he, and he's hurting, and he's struggling, and around the corner here comes the ultimate weapon. [09:36.4 – 09:40.8] The ultimate weapon just come around the corner, recovering addict. [09:40.8 – 09:46.5] And, and, and the recovering addict comes up to the hole, and he's like, “Man, help me get out of this hole. [09:46.5 – 09:47.6] Help me get out of this hole. [09:47.6 – 09:49.0] I don't know what I'm doing, man. [09:49.0 – 09:53.7] I, and I'm struggling, and I'm hurting.” And, and the recovering addict looked down at him, he jumped in the hole. [09:53.7 – 09:56.4] And the guy's, like, freaking out. [09:56.4 – 09:57.5] He's like, “What are you doing, man? [09:57.5 – 09:59.1] What are you doing jumping in the hole? [09:59.1 – 10:00.0] Now we're both in the hole. [10:00.0 – 10:01.9] How are we gonna get out?” He's like, “Calm down. [10:01.9 – 10:04.6] Calm down. [10:04.6 – 10:10.8] I've been down here before.” You know, that's what we do in here. [10:10.8 – 10:14.5] You know, we help each other out of the hole. [10:14.5 – 10:16.4] You know? [10:16.4 – 10:24.3] We help each other out of the hole, and as I'm helping you, I help me, and that's what we learn in here. [10:24.3 – 10:25.2] You know? [10:25.2 – 10:27.9] Um, I'm gonna share a little, a little bit. [10:27.9 – 10:36.2] I don't like dwelling on a lot of my past stuff, but in order for you to see where I come from and to see how far I've gotten, I'll, I'll share a little bit of it, you know? [10:36.2 – 10:38.5] What I remember, I grew up here in El Paso. [10:38.5 – 10:40.2] I grew up in a military family. [10:40.2 – 10:43.3] I had loving parents, you know, and they were great parents. [10:43.3 – 10:46.4] You know, um, I had some things happen to me as a child. [10:46.4 – 10:51.5] You know, what I remember is, is, is somewhere around the age of five, I started to put on a lot of weight. [10:51.5 – 10:57.4] Um, I don't know why, but I just know I started to put on a lot of weight, and I became the little fat boy. [10:57.4 – 11:03.5] And, and, uh, you know, uh, kids, unbeknownst to themselves, are cruel, you know? [11:03.5 – 11:07.2] So I remember in, in grade school and stuff like that, I got teased a lot. [11:07.2 – 11:17.0] Uh, you know, there's still, you know, I, I, I used to get called Pillsbury Doughboy quite a bit and, and I still got issues with that little guy, and, uh- … [11:17.0 – 11:27.2] you know, you know, 'cause, you know, he w- he w- he had a little funny laugh, and people that know me know that I got a funny laugh and, and kids at school used to poke me [11:27.2 – 11:29.0] and want me to laugh and, and, you know. [11:29.0 – 11:33.7] And, and, and, and, and it caused a lot of shame on me, you know? [11:33.7 – 11:36.2] I had some other things that happened to me as a child. [11:36.2 – 11:46.4] I had some abuse that happened to me that, that, you know, it's, it's just, I don't need to go into, to details about that, but it's just some type of abuse that should never, ever be done to kids for any reason, [11:46.4 – 11:47.9] you know? [11:47.9 – 11:50.0] And, and, and I had some stuff like that. [11:50.0 – 11:59.4] And, and, and I remember, like, you know, I, I, I grew up in this kinda, um, you know, at that time, uh, uh, Nancy Reagan was president, you know? [11:59.4 – 12:00.1] I remember, yeah. [12:00.1 – 12:03.1] You know, they, they keep talking now about getting a woman president. [12:03.1 – 12:04.8] We already had one, you know? [12:04.8 – 12:10.7] And, and we grew up, I grew up in that era of the, you know, the just say no stuff, you know? [12:10.7 – 12:12.7] And just say no, and, and you know what? [12:12.7 – 12:14.6] I was o- I was cool with that. [12:14.6 – 12:21.7] You know, I was in school and I was all about just say no, just say no, but I really didn't feel too good about me. [12:21.7 – 12:22.7] You know? [12:22.7 – 12:26.5] I wasn't happy the way I looked, the way I felt inside. [12:26.5 – 12:33.1] You know, I, I, I used to daydream about self-mutilation, you know, just 'cause I was just a big kid. [12:33.1 – 12:33.9] And it was… [12:33.9 – 12:36.8] You know, there w- let me tell you something, there's nothing wrong with being big. [12:36.8 – 12:38.4] You know? [12:38.4 – 12:41.0] We're all beautiful, you know? [12:41.0 – 12:46.4] And, and, and, and, and, and I remem- and I had to get that through the work and the steps, and I'll talk about that in a little. [12:46.4 – 12:47.0] But it… [12:47.0 – 12:50.2] I, I remember I just, I just didn't like me, you know? [12:50.2 – 12:55.4] And I just didn't like me and, and, and we were all into this just say no in school and all this kind of stuff. [12:55.4 – 13:05.6] And, and, you know, I was all about it until my friend came up, “Hey man, you wanna hit this?” And I was like, “What is it gonna do?” He said, “It'll make you feel better.” [13:05.6 – 13:08.4] I was like, “Well, yeah.” You know? [13:08.4 – 13:12.1] I don't know about you, but I didn't have a drug of choice. [13:12.1 – 13:13.4] You know? [13:13.4 – 13:15.7] I did whatever came my way. [13:15.7 – 13:19.8] I was what you call a trash can junkie, you know? [13:19.8 – 13:24.4] There were some things that I didn't do because it didn't come my way, you know? [13:24.4 – 13:31.6] But I was one of those guys that never asked, “What is that?” I was one of those guys that's like, “Well, yeah. [13:31.6 – 13:35.1] Just give it to me.” You know? [13:35.1 – 13:41.8] And, um, you know, and, and, and, and I, I, I went on and I did what we do, you know? [13:41.8 – 13:44.5] I didn't start off with a little bit, I didn't… [13:44.5 – 13:44.6] I… [13:44.6 – 13:47.7] You know, I don't know if there was a line that you cross. [13:47.7 – 13:50.3] You know, I don't worry about that anymore. [13:50.3 – 13:53.7] I don't wanna look at, like at what time in my life that happened for me. [13:53.7 – 13:55.1] It doesn't matter. [13:55.1 – 14:01.4] What I do know is that if there was a line to be crossed, I crossed it on the first time, you know? [14:01.4 – 14:06.4] I remember, like doing all the things that we do, and I don't need to get into that. [14:06.4 – 14:08.3] You know, I'm not one guy… [14:08.3 – 14:12.6] I, I don't get up here and I don't share about specific drugs, and I don't share about… [14:12.6 – 14:16.2] You know, 'cause our literature tells us that's not what we're supposed to do. [14:16.2 – 14:17.6] You know? [14:17.6 – 14:20.4] I remember that when I got here, you know, when I… [14:20.4 – 14:24.3] If I start hearing all that stuff, it was real easy for me to say, “You know what? [14:24.3 – 14:27.4] Well, I didn't do that.” I could leave. [14:27.4 – 14:29.4] You know? [14:29.4 – 14:30.8] I didn't use like that. [14:30.8 – 14:32.1] I could leave. [14:32.1 – 14:33.5] You know? [14:33.5 – 14:34.8] I, I cleaned up. [14:34.8 – 14:40.0] I was 20 years old when I walked into these rooms, you know, and been here since. [14:40.0 – 14:41.6] You know? [14:41.6 – 14:49.2] And, uh, you know, so if, if I start hearing all that stuff, and there's a, you know, the, it, there's a reason we have traditions and stuff. [14:49.2 – 14:50.5] You know? [14:50.5 – 14:55.1] And I love the literature of Narcotics Anonymous, you know? [14:55.1 – 14:59.2] And I believe in it, and I study it, and I follow it, and I live it. [14:59.2 – 15:00.7] You know? [15:00.7 – 15:05.9] So, um, you know, at, at that time I, I, I started going to high school and all that kind of stuff. [15:05.9 – 15:09.3] I was getting involved in all kinds of crazy stuff, just doing what we do. [15:09.3 – 15:12.3] You know, just wreaking havoc on everything I touched. [15:12.3 – 15:13.1] You know? [15:13.1 – 15:15.9] Um, I remember at one time, uh, my, uh… [15:15.9 – 15:20.4] Let me get some more. [15:20.4 – 15:26.1] You know, I ran these streets. [15:26.1 – 15:28.1] You know? [15:28.1 – 15:30.4] I got high here. [15:30.4 – 15:31.8] You know? [15:31.8 – 15:32.7] Right out here. [15:32.7 – 15:34.5] You know? [15:34.5 – 15:38.1] I also got clean here, man. [15:38.1 – 15:39.1] You know? [15:39.1 – 15:49.4] And, and what I remember is like, I, I remember like running around out in these streets and just like wreaking havoc on everything and, and hurting a lot of people that were close to me, [15:49.4 – 15:49.7] you know? [15:49.7 – 15:59.3] It, it, it's really, uh, hard to look at some of the damage, not only the damage that we do to ourselves, but the damage we do to our loved ones, you know? [15:59.3 – 16:08.0] I remember like one time I was out on a run and, uh, you know, I was, uh, I was just doing what we do, man, and I was out there. [16:08.0 – 16:11.6] And, uh, I, I, I remember I, uh, I had, um… [16:11.6 – 16:16.4] You know, my mom's up here in the front. [16:16.4 – 16:26.4] And, uh, you know, my mom, she's, she's, uh, she's definitely been one of the greatest gifts that [16:26.4 – 16:29.0] God has put in my life, you know? [16:29.0 – 16:39.7] And, uh, I remember one time, uh, you know, I was out on this run and, and, um, you know, it was one of those times 'cause I, I wasn't getting high anymore, you [16:39.7 – 16:39.9] know? [16:39.9 – 16:42.3] I'd stopped getting high a long time ago. [16:42.3 – 16:46.1] But what I was doing, I just kept getting loaded trying to get high. [16:46.1 – 16:51.0] You know, when I think of getting high I think of something happy, f- good feeling and all that kind of stuff. [16:51.0 – 16:54.2] I'd stopped that years ago, you know? [16:54.2 – 17:04.2] And, and, and I was on this run and I remember, um, uh, I'd, I'd, I'd left just a m- a little bit of money at home because I was, I was, [17:04.2 – 17:12.6] I was smart enough to know that when I got my check, you know, I should put a little bit aside because I was gonna run through my check, you know? [17:12.6 – 17:17.6] And it was usually for a special occasion, which usually ended up being like the next day after payday. [17:17.6 – 17:19.7] You know. [17:19.7 – 17:20.7] 'Cause I was, I, I… [17:20.7 – 17:23.0] You know, I always had the best intentions. [17:23.0 – 17:25.5] You know, I always, “I'll get this. [17:25.5 – 17:27.9] I'll cut it up like this, get rid of this, blah, blah, blah. [17:27.9 – 17:30.1] Make some…” It, it never, ever worked out. [17:30.1 – 17:32.0] Ever you know? [17:32.0 – 17:39.0] So I knew that I had some money there at home and, and, and, and, you know, I'd just wanna kinda slide in, kinda… [17:39.0 – 17:43.5] You know, 'cause a- after a few days on the run, you, you know, you, we, we kinda start stinking. [17:43.5 – 17:53.5] You know, we've been doing that stuff for a little while and we start stinking a little bit, so, you know, so I wanted to slide in, grab a quick shower, slide back out, get my money, and go do what we need [17:53.5 – 17:53.8] to do. [17:53.8 – 17:54.6] You know? [17:54.6 – 17:58.9] I wasn't feeling too good about anything that was going on my, in my life, you know? [17:58.9 – 18:07.0] And, and, and I remember I slid in and, and I grabbed a shower and stuff, and I was in my bedroom and stuff and I was getting ready to slide out and my mom walked in. [18:07.0 – 18:14.9] And, uh, you know, my mom, I, I, o- uh, uh, my mom had been going to a- another fellowship, you know? [18:14.9 – 18:22.5] And, and, and it's one of those fellowships that teaches people how to love us, uh, without lear- forgetting to love themselves first. [18:22.5 – 18:24.2] You know? [18:24.2 – 18:31.8] And, uh, she, she caught me on the way out and, and she's like, “Look.” She's, uh, she said, “You know what? [18:31.8 – 18:32.4] I love you. [18:32.4 – 18:37.4] I love you with all my heart, but I can't watch you die anymore. [18:37.4 – 18:47.4] You have got to go.” And, uh, I really wish I could tell you that that's what it took. [18:47.4 – 18:49.8] I wish I could stand up here and- [18:50.0 – 18:55.6] Say that that's what it took for me to stop doing that shit, you know? [18:55.6 – 18:58.4] But I can't, you know? [18:58.4 – 19:02.7] You know, and I, and I wish I could have turned to my mom and said, “You know what? [19:02.7 – 19:05.9] Okay, I'll stay home.” You know? [19:05.9 – 19:08.8] And I wish I coulda did that, you know? [19:08.8 – 19:11.0] But I couldn't, you know? [19:11.0 – 19:20.9] I'm really glad I figured out and found out through you guys that I suffer from a disease and not a moral dilemma, you know? [19:20.9 – 19:24.9] That I'm just a guy that has a drug problem, you know? [19:24.9 – 19:35.1] That through working the steps of Narcotics Anonymous and belonging to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, I can get better, you know, and become a better human being, [19:35.1 – 19:35.4] you know? [19:35.4 – 19:42.9] So what happened is I slipped out of there and, and, and, and I went and did what we do, you know? [19:42.9 – 19:47.9] And, uh, you know, I, I went and moved into a using house. [19:47.9 – 19:50.1] You know? [19:50.1 – 19:53.2] I thought that was the best thing for me to do. [19:53.2 – 19:58.6] You know? [19:58.6 – 20:05.8] And, uh, you know, what started to happen is, uh, all those yet's, you know? [20:05.8 – 20:16.2] Uh, you know, I remember sitting around in that house and, and, and, and looking at these guys, and there was these guys crawling around on the floor and sh- you know, just [20:16.2 – 20:20.2] digging in trash cans, just looking for all kinds of stuff that wasn't theirs. [20:20.2 – 20:23.3] I was like, “Look at them fools.” You know? [20:23.3 – 20:27.4] “Those guys got a drug problem.” You know? [20:27.4 – 20:30.0] “Those guys are junkies.” You know? [20:30.0 – 20:34.6] And, uh, I, you know, and, and, and, you know, we're, we're, we're not that… [20:34.6 – 20:35.7] You know, we're kinda… [20:35.7 – 20:36.4] You know, we're… [20:36.4 – 20:37.3] You know, I was mean. [20:37.3 – 20:37.8] You know? [20:37.8 – 20:42.5] I, I, you know, I, uh, I would throw down a bunch of fake stuff for them. [20:42.5 – 20:46.3] You know? [20:46.3 – 20:47.0] You know? [20:47.0 – 20:51.1] So it wasn't cool, but, you know, I did. [20:51.1 – 20:56.7] You know, so I'd throw down some stuff for them, and, uh, so they can find something. [20:56.7 – 21:06.7] You know, the bad part of it was is a week [21:06.7 – 21:08.3] later I'm down there. [21:08.3 – 21:10.7] You know? [21:10.7 – 21:15.7] I'm down there, you know, and I'm digging through the trash. [21:15.7 – 21:19.8] And I'm taking that fake stuff that I just threw down there a week before. [21:19.8 – 21:21.7] You know? [21:21.7 – 21:24.1] And that's how sick we get. [21:24.1 – 21:29.7] I knew I threw that fake shit down there, and here I am picking it up. [21:29.7 – 21:32.1] You know? [21:32.1 – 21:35.0] And, um, it was, it was getting real… [21:35.0 – 21:45.1] It was close to Christmastime, and at that time, you know, uh, y- you guys, you know, we're, we're of, of a Hispanic culture and, and family's real big, especially around the Christmastime. [21:45.1 – 21:46.5] I know it was in our household. [21:46.5 – 21:48.0] And, and, uh, I ran… [21:48.0 – 21:52.1] My mom had, had called me and she's like, “Look, come on over.” It was like Christmas Eve. [21:52.1 – 21:52.9] “Come on over. [21:52.9 – 21:57.2] Um, uh, uh, just come on over.” So I, I went over, and she's… [21:57.2 – 21:58.7] You know, she fed me and stuff. [21:58.7 – 22:02.8] And, uh, she's like, “Look, look, I just, I just want you to come over on Christmas. [22:02.8 – 22:04.9] You know, come on over on Christmas, man. [22:04.9 – 22:06.4] We're gonna do the family deal. [22:06.4 – 22:08.1] I want you to come over on Christmas. [22:08.1 – 22:08.2] I… [22:08.2 – 22:08.9] Here's your clothes. [22:08.9 – 22:10.6] I got your clothes all ironed up for you. [22:10.6 – 22:11.7] Just come on over. [22:11.7 – 22:13.8] Me, me, we, we got you a few things. [22:13.8 – 22:18.5] You know, we're gonna eat a little dinner here, then we're going over to a friend's house to another party. [22:18.5 – 22:22.6] So just come on over and hang out with us.” And let me tell you something, man, I wanted to. [22:22.6 – 22:24.1] I really did. [22:24.1 – 22:27.6] With every ounce of my being I wanted to be there. [22:27.6 – 22:29.6] I wanted to be there. [22:29.6 – 22:30.8] You know? [22:30.8 – 22:39.3] And, and I remember I left there Christmas Eve and I went back to that house, and man, you know, I got up early in the morning and I, and, and I was getting ready to get ready. [22:39.3 – 22:42.6] And, and let me tell you, I wanted to fucking be there. [22:42.6 – 22:45.4] I wanted to be there so bad. [22:45.4 – 22:47.1] You know? [22:47.1 – 22:50.9] But you know, somebody knocked at the door. [22:50.9 – 22:55.7] And you know, we, we all got those people that we don't like to get high with, you know? [22:55.7 – 22:58.1] That we don't wanna get loaded with. [22:58.1 – 22:58.4] You know? [22:58.4 – 23:01.2] Those guys that are, you know, “Hold this. [23:01.2 – 23:02.8] You're a narc,” blah, blah, blah. [23:02.8 – 23:04.0] You know, just all that stuff. [23:04.0 – 23:06.3] Peeking through the windows, through the walls. [23:06.3 – 23:08.4] You know, it's just something's there in the wall. [23:08.4 – 23:10.0] You know, it's just, it's just crazy stuff. [23:10.0 – 23:11.7] But, but you know what? [23:11.7 – 23:13.4] They had the dope. [23:13.4 – 23:16.1] They had the dope. [23:16.1 – 23:17.1] You know? [23:17.1 – 23:22.3] So needless to say, I didn't go home that Christmas. [23:22.3 – 23:24.0] You know? [23:24.0 – 23:29.0] And I spent all day trying to get loaded. [23:29.0 – 23:30.6] You know? [23:30.6 – 23:32.7] 'Cause at that time it just wasn't working for me. [23:32.7 – 23:33.9] You know? [23:33.9 – 23:39.1] And I remember, I remember it, like at the end of the day, man, and it was a miserable day. [23:39.1 – 23:40.7] It was a miserable day. [23:40.7 – 23:41.7] You know? [23:41.7 – 23:43.4] It, it just, it just… [23:43.4 – 23:44.2] It was terrible. [23:44.2 – 23:50.8] And I remember just feeling so, I mean, just so bad, and the shame and the guilt. [23:50.8 – 23:58.1] And, and, and I, I remember just, I drove by my parents' house just for some reason maybe they would be there, you know? [23:58.1 – 24:01.8] By that time they already knew that they couldn't count on me. [24:01.8 – 24:04.0] You know? [24:04.0 – 24:07.7] You know, they knew they couldn't count on their son. [24:07.7 – 24:10.9] They knew that they couldn't take his word. [24:10.9 – 24:12.8] You know? [24:12.8 – 24:17.1] And, and, and, and I remember I just, I just started to cry, man. [24:17.1 – 24:19.3] You know, I just started to cry. [24:19.3 – 24:20.3] You know? [24:20.3 – 24:25.7] Never in my life did I wanna become the person that I have become. [24:25.7 – 24:27.2] You know? [24:27.2 – 24:31.1] But I was doing it, and I was doing it to me. [24:31.1 – 24:32.4] You know? [24:32.4 – 24:38.9] And, and, and, and then, uh, New Year's Eve rolled around, and it was just another miserable, miserable day. [24:38.9 – 24:46.8] Uh, you know, and, uh, I remember, uh, New Year's Day 1992, you know? [24:46.8 – 24:52.5] And, uh, I had, I had went to, uh- We had been out all night on another run. [24:52.5 – 24:53.3] It was just terrible. [24:53.3 – 25:03.4] And, uh, uh, my mom had always told me, she's like, “Look,” you know, if, if, w- when she asked me to leave, she said, “You know, if you ever wanna get some help, we'll help you get some [25:03.4 – 25:05.6] help.” All right? [25:05.6 – 25:12.3] You know, so I was, I was sitting there, and, and, and, uh, you know, by that time I was just so eat up with everything that… [25:12.3 – 25:16.6] A- and I w- I, I just wanted, I wanted something to happen, you know? [25:16.6 – 25:21.0] I'm not sure if I wanted to stop using at that time, but something had to be different. [25:21.0 – 25:23.3] Something had to change, you know? [25:23.3 – 25:33.0] And I remember, I, I, I, I remember those words from her, and so I, I went back to her house and, and, um, you know, I, I, uh, I, I went up to the front door. [25:33.0 – 25:35.6] And, and, you know, I, I love my dad. [25:35.6 – 25:43.0] I love my dad to death, you know, and he was a big instrumental part in my life and in my recovery. [25:43.0 – 25:51.0] And, uh, but i- you know, my dad came up from a different generation and a different era, and, and he, um, he struggled with feelings, man. [25:51.0 – 25:52.1] You know, I'll just be honest. [25:52.1 – 25:52.9] He did. [25:52.9 – 25:57.3] You know, and I re- I remember, and I knew that he didn't want to, but he did. [25:57.3 – 25:57.5] You know? [25:57.5 – 26:02.6] And I remember, I, I, I walked up to the door, man, and, and I knocked on the door, and I'm just a mess. [26:02.6 – 26:03.9] You know, I'm blubbering. [26:03.9 – 26:06.2] I got tears running down my face. [26:06.2 – 26:09.9] And, and I, I knock on the door, and my dad comes out to the door. [26:09.9 – 26:13.5] And I'm like, “Dad, you know, I want some help.” And he's like, “Hold on a minute. [26:13.5 – 26:20.8] Let me go get your mom.” Yeah. [26:20.8 – 26:22.6] You know, and I, I can't lie up here. [26:22.6 – 26:23.2] She's right there. [26:23.2 – 26:25.4] You know? [26:25.4 – 26:30.6] And, uh, you know, she, she, he, he went and got my mom, and she came out, started like, “All right. [26:30.6 – 26:32.6] Look, look, let me, let me take him to work. [26:32.6 – 26:33.4] He's gotta go to work. [26:33.4 – 26:34.7] We're gonna take him to work. [26:34.7 – 26:35.5] I'm gonna come back. [26:35.5 – 26:38.4] We're gonna get you some food, and we're gonna get you somewhere.” I was like, “All right. [26:38.4 – 26:38.8] All right. [26:38.8 – 26:39.0] All right. [26:39.0 – 26:39.4] All right. [26:39.4 – 26:40.7] Let's do this.” You know? [26:40.7 – 26:44.7] And, and, and, and she went and she took my, my dad to work, and she came back. [26:44.7 – 26:45.8] She made me some food. [26:45.8 – 26:50.4] Uh, you know, by that time I had called the center that, uh, would accept me and stuff like that. [26:50.4 – 26:54.2] And, um, they said, “Well, but you can't come in until 5:00 o'clock in the evening. [26:54.2 – 26:57.7] All right?” So I was like, “Okay.” You know, and she, she made me some food and stuff. [26:57.7 – 27:00.8] And, and, uh, you know, so I was, I was gonna take a nap, you know? [27:00.8 – 27:04.6] So I took a nap, and, and, you know, then we're getting ready to go to the center. [27:04.6 – 27:06.4] And I'm getting up, and I'm getting ready. [27:06.4 – 27:08.0] And we get in the car and stuff like that. [27:08.0 – 27:10.7] And you know, it's, it's real funny about this disease, you know? [27:10.7 – 27:12.0] You, you think you need help. [27:12.0 – 27:12.6] You want help. [27:12.6 – 27:14.2] Then all of a sudden you don't want help no more. [27:14.2 – 27:14.8] You know what I mean? [27:14.8 – 27:19.7] So, you know, I'm in the car, and, and we're driving to this place. [27:19.7 – 27:20.7] And I'm like, “You know what? [27:20.7 – 27:23.3] You know, I ate a little bit. [27:23.3 – 27:23.9] I got a little sleep. [27:23.9 – 27:28.6] Maybe that's all I needed.” You know, I was like, “I'm feeling, uh, uh, pretty good. [27:28.6 – 27:31.7] You know, maybe I don't need to go here, Mom.” She's like, she, she stopped. [27:31.7 – 27:34.6] She's like, “Look, you're either… [27:34.6 – 27:46.7] I am either taking you here or you're getting out of this car.” I was like, “Let's go to the center.” You [27:46.7 – 27:46.9] know? [27:46.9 – 27:48.8] And I went to that center, you know? [27:48.8 – 27:51.6] And then I went through the little detox and all that stuff that we do. [27:51.6 – 28:01.9] And, and, you know, um, I, what I'm really, truly, truly grateful for is that center is, is, you know, I, I re- I call these places discovery centers because what it did is it helped me discover Narcotics [28:01.9 – 28:02.5] Anonymous. [28:02.5 – 28:03.8] You know? [28:03.8 – 28:06.8] And, and, and, and for that I am truly, truly grateful. [28:06.8 – 28:11.1] And, and, and, um, you know, I went to this, this little discovery center. [28:11.1 – 28:13.7] And, and it was January 1, 1992. [28:13.7 – 28:16.6] As you heard in the beginning, that is not my clean date. [28:16.6 – 28:18.5] All right? [28:18.5 – 28:21.2] You know, relapse is part of my story. [28:21.2 – 28:24.5] But let me tell you something, it doesn't have to be part of yours. [28:24.5 – 28:25.9] All right? [28:25.9 – 28:29.0] Nowhere in here does it say that it is okay to relapse. [28:29.0 – 28:30.7] All right? [28:30.7 – 28:35.9] I am not one of those guy, you know, relapse, you know, I, I, it, it never ceases to amaze me. [28:35.9 – 28:40.1] I, “I learned so much from my 99th relapse.” You know what? [28:40.1 – 28:45.9] You know? [28:45.9 – 28:46.9] You, you know what? [28:46.9 – 28:47.7] You know what? [28:47.7 – 28:52.3] If you learn some recovery, you never have to learn anything from a relapse. [28:52.3 – 28:53.2] Woo-hoo. [28:53.2 – 28:54.5] All right? [28:54.5 – 28:55.6] You know? [28:55.6 – 29:06.1] In our book, page 76, we have never seen a person who lives a Narcotics [29:06.1 – 29:08.6] Anonymous program relapse. [29:08.6 – 29:09.3] Woo. [29:09.3 – 29:11.0] It tells you right there. [29:11.0 – 29:12.6] It tells you. [29:12.6 – 29:13.8] All right? [29:13.8 – 29:18.9] You know, the only thing I learned from my relapse is I still know how to get high. [29:18.9 – 29:20.6] That's it. [29:20.6 – 29:32.4] And let me tell you something, it is really, really a, a, a awesome thing for me to be here in this room, 'cause [29:32.4 – 29:34.4] I relapsed at a convention. [29:34.4 – 29:35.8] Yes. [29:35.8 – 29:36.9] In this room. [29:36.9 – 29:47.0] I walked out of these doors and went and got loaded, and came back a couple days later, [29:47.0 – 29:49.0] and have been clean ever since. [29:49.0 – 29:49.3] All right. [29:49.3 – 29:53.3] Woo. [29:53.3 – 29:58.4] You know? [29:58.4 – 30:07.3] So, so I remember I went to that center, you know, and, and, uh, um, you know, I remember it was, it was real foggy the first couple days. [30:07.3 – 30:09.1] I couldn't tell you anything I really learned. [30:09.1 – 30:10.7] I know we did a lot of different things. [30:10.7 – 30:14.1] Uh, what was real important to me is that they took me out to different meetings. [30:14.1 – 30:16.6] Uh, they took me out to Narcotics Anonymous. [30:16.6 – 30:17.7] All right? [30:17.7 – 30:26.2] You know, and, and, and, and how I first started to recognize in this fellowship and in this program was at, uh, you know, I, I went to a, um… [30:26.2 – 30:28.1] They, they had movie night, you know? [30:28.1 – 30:31.9] We, I went to this really nice facility, and they'd go get us these movies. [30:31.9 – 30:35.1] And, you know, at, at that time in '92, you know, they, there was… [30:35.1 – 30:41.7] I, I was like, “Well, get me New Jack City.” And, uh, I had watched it when I was getting high. [30:41.7 – 30:43.2] You know, I didn't think nothing of it. [30:43.2 – 30:45.6] So they got me that movie, and I'm in there, you know. [30:45.6 – 30:47.0] And, and the nurses didn't know. [30:47.0 – 30:47.9] They were just nurses. [30:47.9 – 30:48.6] They knew nothing. [30:48.6 – 30:51.4] You know, they should have, but, you know, what, it is what it is. [30:51.4 – 30:52.9] You know, and, and they came in. [30:52.9 – 30:54.2] They brought me this movie. [30:54.2 – 30:55.9] And, and, you know, I'm watching this movie. [30:55.9 – 30:59.1] And man, I just like freaked out, you know? [30:59.1 – 31:04.8] 'Cause there's like one scene where they're in the quarry, and y- let me tell you something, my mouth watered. [31:04.8 – 31:06.6] I could smell it. [31:06.6 – 31:08.2] I could taste it. [31:08.2 – 31:11.6] I could feel it in my body, you know? [31:11.6 – 31:14.1] And I remember I ran to my room. [31:14.1 – 31:19.9] I ran to my room, and this is what I picked up, and I just opened it up, and, and this is what I fell on. [31:19.9 – 31:28.0] You know, “Higher mental, emotional functions such as the conscience and the ability to love were sharply affected by our drug use. [31:28.0 – 31:32.7] Living skills were reduced to the animal levels, animal levels. [31:32.7 – 31:34.4] Our spirit was broken. [31:34.4 – 31:36.7] The capacity to feel human was lost. [31:36.7 – 31:41.4] This seems extreme, but many of us have been at this state. [31:41.4 – 31:45.3] In time, through recovery, our dreams come true. [31:45.3 – 31:50.5] We don't mean we necessarily become rich or famous. [31:50.5 – 32:00.8] However, realizing the will of our higher power, dreams come true in recovery.” In those two short paragraphs, I've learned [32:00.8 – 32:05.2] where I come from and where I can go if I work the program of Narcotics Anonymous. [32:05.2 – 32:06.4] You know? [32:06.4 – 32:08.3] If I work this program. [32:08.3 – 32:09.8] You know. [32:09.8 – 32:20.2] And, uh, so I was in this facility, and I remember they were taking us out, and that, that was the very first time that I've, I've kinda recognized with this fellowship, [32:20.2 – 32:22.4] you know, was through this literature. [32:22.4 – 32:23.0] You know? [32:23.0 – 32:27.9] And then they took us out, uh, to this meeting, 'cause you had to be there for so many days before you went out. [32:27.9 – 32:38.1] And I remember we went out, and we all piled in the van, man, and, and, uh, you know, I was sitting in the van and, and I remember we were driving to, uh, Byron [32:38.1 – 32:39.4] and Taylor, High Hopes. [32:39.4 – 32:39.7] Whoo. [32:39.7 – 32:39.9] Yeah. [32:39.9 – 32:42.1] Wednesday night High Hopes group of Narcotics Anonymous. [32:42.1 – 32:43.6] It's still at the same place. [32:43.6 – 32:44.8] It became my home. [32:44.8 – 32:50.0] Anyways, so we're driving in this van, and I remember there was this carload of girls, man. [32:50.0 – 32:52.1] Driving right next to us, you know? [32:52.1 – 32:57.9] And I was waving at them, and they were waving back, and they were smiling and giggling and laughing and pointing and stuff. [32:57.9 – 33:00.3] You know, I thought it was like cool. [33:00.3 – 33:02.0] You know, shit, get clean. [33:02.0 – 33:03.0] Look all right. [33:03.0 – 33:13.2] You know, and I remember we pulled up to the, to the, the front of the meeting place, and I get out of the van, and I look at the van, and in big letters it says Be-Behavioral [33:13.2 – 33:14.3] Mental Health Center. [33:14.3 – 33:25.2] You [33:25.2 – 33:25.5] know? [33:25.5 – 33:25.8] You know. [33:25.8 – 33:28.7] You know, just when you think you got it going on, you know what I'm saying? [33:28.7 – 33:34.6] You know, so I, so I, I, I went into the meeting, and you know what? [33:34.6 – 33:36.1] I, I really didn't wanna be here. [33:36.1 – 33:39.0] Remember, I, I, I guess th- this disease is really weird. [33:39.0 – 33:42.7] It's like one minute you want help, the next minute you don't want help, you know? [33:42.7 – 33:50.0] And I remember I went in this meeting, and at that time it was a, it was a circle, and there was a lot of people in there, so it was real easy to get lost, you know? [33:50.0 – 33:52.7] And I went, and I sat in the back, and I was crossing my arms. [33:52.7 – 33:55.0] I had my best tough guy attitude on. [33:55.0 – 33:56.3] I didn't want you looking at me. [33:56.3 – 33:57.4] I didn't want you touching me. [33:57.4 – 33:58.6] Don't, don't do it. [33:58.6 – 34:08.7] And I sat back there, man, and, uh, you know, um, I, you know, w- when you go to your meeting, you know, your first meeting, it, there's a lot of weird stuff that [34:08.7 – 34:10.7] happens in a meeting your first time. [34:10.7 – 34:15.1] You know, there, there's a lot of stuff that, you know, the guys are hugging guys. [34:15.1 – 34:16.7] Guys are hugging different girls. [34:16.7 – 34:17.9] They're kissing each other. [34:17.9 – 34:20.1] You know, Black guys hugging white guys. [34:20.1 – 34:22.2] You know, Mexican guys hugging the Black guy. [34:22.2 – 34:25.0] You know, and it's just, it's a lot of weird stuff going on, you know? [34:25.0 – 34:29.1] So some guy came up to hug me, and I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [34:29.1 – 34:30.1] Back off, Jack. [34:30.1 – 34:35.5] I'm not that clean.” You know, so I stuck out my hand. [34:35.5 – 34:43.8] He shook my hand and, you know, and they, they, they kept telling me stuff like, you know, “We love you.” “Keep coming back.” You know? [34:43.8 – 34:47.7] And then I, I remember, I remember that very first meeting, you know? [34:47.7 – 34:49.8] I, I remember, you know, I had big hair. [34:49.8 – 34:50.9] I had big hair. [34:50.9 – 34:52.9] There's a couple of you remember that, Liz and Joe. [34:52.9 – 34:54.8] You know, I had really big hair, man. [34:54.8 – 34:57.0] You know, I, I grew up in the '80s. [34:57.0 – 34:58.2] You know? [34:58.2 – 34:59.3] I grew up in the '80s. [34:59.3 – 35:02.7] Big hair, rock band, stuff like that, and I had it all in my face, you know? [35:02.7 – 35:03.4] And then I remember… [35:03.4 – 35:05.2] You know, it was '92, man. [35:05.2 – 35:07.0] I didn't know the '80s was over with. [35:07.0 – 35:08.2] You know? [35:08.2 – 35:08.7] Shit. [35:08.7 – 35:09.7] You know? [35:09.7 – 35:19.7] So, so I'm in there with my big hair and stuff, and, uh, you know, and, and, you know, I started, I started [35:19.7 – 35:25.4] hanging out at these meetings, and I remember that very first meeting that I left there, and I was so angry. [35:25.4 – 35:30.5] I was so angry when I left that meeting, you know? [35:30.5 – 35:36.1] And, and, and, and after working steps and looking back on it, I know what it was about, you know? [35:36.1 – 35:39.6] Never in my life did I ever say I wanted to grow up and be a junkie. [35:39.6 – 35:45.4] When I left that meeting, I knew exactly what I was, you know? [35:45.4 – 35:47.4] And I wasn't cool with it. [35:47.4 – 35:52.8] I was 20 years old. [35:52.8 – 35:55.3] You know? [35:55.3 – 35:56.6] I was 20. [35:56.6 – 35:58.3] You know? [35:58.3 – 36:03.8] And, and, and you're telling me I gotta stop doing stuff that I'm not even legal enough to do, you know? [36:03.8 – 36:12.1] You're telling me that I gotta stop doing all these things that, let me tell you something, for, for several occasions kept me alive. [36:12.1 – 36:20.3] You know, 'cause there was many times that I did not like myself so much that all I wanted to do was take myself out. [36:20.3 – 36:22.6] You know? [36:22.6 – 36:23.9] And let me tell you something. [36:23.9 – 36:27.5] Just 'cause I got clean, those feelings didn't go away. [36:27.5 – 36:36.0] I came to these rooms months and hated who I was, you know? [36:36.0 – 36:44.6] As I continue to go to these meetings, we start going to these meetings on a regular basis, pa- you know, mainly because the center took us, you know? [36:44.6 – 36:46.3] So that's why I was making meetings. [36:46.3 – 36:54.1] And what I started to see, that there was a couple ca- cats in there that, you know, were happy, and they were saying they weren't using drugs. [36:54.1 – 36:57.9] And I was like, “Huh. [36:57.9 – 37:02.9] How about that?” You know? [37:02.9 – 37:06.9] S- And, and what I did is I kept coming to these meetings, man. [37:06.9 – 37:13.9] You know, and I remember I got out of that little center, and I kept going to these meetings and, you know, by that time, I started sharing. [37:13.9 – 37:18.8] And, uh, you know, I remember when I asked this… [37:18.8 – 37:25.9] You know, and, and, uh, it, every time I shared, the whole room said, “Keep coming back.” The whole room. [37:25.9 – 37:34.6] I was like, “Man, they like what I shared.” You know? [37:34.6 – 37:39.5] And I remember, I remember, uh, y- you know, I, I just wanted to feel- [37:40.0 – 37:46.1] I just wanted to have some passion for something, and I wanted to feel something, and I wanted to feel strongly about something. [37:46.1 – 37:54.4] And there was this one gentleman in there, and when he shared, man, his passion just, just exuberated over the whole room, and I loved what he shared, you know? [37:54.4 – 37:59.2] And he was just happy, and it, it, it, it was, it was like a genuine happiness, you know? [37:59.2 – 38:02.2] I don't know if I had that honest desire to stay clean. [38:02.2 – 38:06.6] Quite honestly, when I got here, I just wanted you to teach me how to use correctly. [38:06.6 – 38:09.7] You know, if there was such a thing, you know? [38:09.7 – 38:19.8] But what he had was th-this happiness, and I, and I asked him, you know, 'cause you start talking about this sponsorship stuff, and I asked him to sponsor me, and he's like, “Well, yeah!” I mean, just [38:19.8 – 38:20.8] like that, real loud. [38:20.8 – 38:30.9] “I'd love to.” And I was like, “All right.” And he put his arm around me, and he's like, “Look, Memo, you know, I love you, [38:30.9 – 38:34.9] man, and I wanna see you succeed, and I want you to keep coming back, you know? [38:34.9 – 38:37.3] But we talk about experience, strength, and hope in here. [38:37.3 – 38:38.9] Right now, you don't have it. [38:38.9 – 38:41.6] Not that you won't get it, but you don't have it right now. [38:41.6 – 38:49.4] So right now what you need to do is shut up.” You know? [38:49.4 – 38:50.9] And, you know, I was… [38:50.9 – 38:51.2] I… [38:51.2 – 39:01.3] And I was like, “But, but they tell me to keep coming back.” He's like, “I know.” “And please do.” And, and you know, [39:01.3 – 39:07.7] and I'm really grateful to that man and, and because he taught me a lot about respecting this fellowship, you know? [39:07.7 – 39:08.8] He used to call me up. [39:08.8 – 39:14.8] He's like, “Look, be out on the corner at such and such time.” I was like, “Why?” He's like, “Just be out there.” You know? [39:14.8 – 39:17.8] He'd swoop by, pick me up, take me to meeting. [39:17.8 – 39:22.4] He's like, “All right, look, this is when the meeting starts, this is when it ends, all right? [39:22.4 – 39:25.1] You don't get up no matter what. [39:25.1 – 39:27.9] You don't get up during the meeting, you know? [39:27.9 – 39:30.4] You sit your ass down, you know? [39:30.4 – 39:33.2] You go smoke your cigarette before the meeting, you know? [39:33.2 – 39:40.2] And if you can't make it an hour and a half without smoking a cigarette, then we got a lot more stuff to deal with.” You know? [39:40.2 – 39:43.9] Uh, he's, he's like, “You get a cup of coffee before the meeting starts. [39:43.9 – 39:46.7] If you need to, then you grab two, and you put it on the table. [39:46.7 – 39:48.1] You don't get up no matter what. [39:48.1 – 39:50.6] You stay there from the beginning to the end, you know? [39:50.6 – 39:51.6] And you don't get up. [39:51.6 – 39:59.5] It's not that you might miss something, but when you get up, you might distract somebody else, and they might miss something.” Yeah. [39:59.5 – 39:59.7] You know? [39:59.7 – 40:03.1] And that's what I did, and that's what he taught me, you know? [40:03.1 – 40:07.2] I, I, I, I was so grateful to the fellowship in out here, you know? [40:07.2 – 40:09.8] And, and the m- and the program of Narcotics Anonymous. [40:09.8 – 40:19.8] You know, at that time, I, I remember I told you, I didn't like me, you know, and I was staying clean, and it talks about in our literature, “With or without drugs, we can no longer live.” [40:19.8 – 40:20.1] You know? [40:20.1 – 40:24.3] And I, and I kept coming back and, and, and, you know, and, and they kept telling me, “Read the book. [40:24.3 – 40:30.8] Read the book.” You know, at the, in the early recovery, I had a really hard time reading the book, you know? [40:30.8 – 40:31.2] It… [40:31.2 – 40:35.6] I would read it, and it just wouldn't make no sense to me, and I didn't understand it, you know? [40:35.6 – 40:39.7] And, and, and, and I was real afraid about sharing that with anybody, you know? [40:39.7 – 40:40.5] And, and I love… [40:40.5 – 40:42.1] It, it's, it's in here on… [40:42.1 – 40:42.6] Where is it? [40:42.6 – 40:43.1] Yeah. [40:43.1 – 40:45.1] Uh, uh, on, on the fifth tradition. [40:45.1 – 40:48.4] It says, “The group is the most powerful vehicle we have for carrying the message. [40:48.4 – 40:54.5] When a member carries a message, he is somewhat bound by interpretation and personalities. [40:54.5 – 40:57.1] The problem with literature is language. [40:57.1 – 41:00.5] The feelings and intensity and the straights are sometimes lost. [41:00.5 – 41:11.5] In our group with many different personalities, the message of recovery is a reoccurring thing.” So what you gotta do is make meetings, you [41:11.5 – 41:11.7] know? [41:11.7 – 41:15.1] That's where you're gonna hear it, you know? [41:15.1 – 41:21.2] If you're new in here, and you got one of those little orange things, and you don't understand that, you don't understand this, that's okay. [41:21.2 – 41:23.2] Make meetings. [41:23.2 – 41:26.2] That's where you're gonna hear it. [41:26.2 – 41:27.9] Make meetings. [41:27.9 – 41:37.9] You know, and then it goes on, “What is our message?” The message is an addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use, [41:37.9 – 41:39.3] and find a new way to live. [41:39.3 – 41:43.9] That's our message. [41:43.9 – 41:48.7] You know, it is clear. [41:48.7 – 41:49.5] It comes right out. [41:49.5 – 41:50.5] We don't have any… [41:50.5 – 41:57.1] You know, it says, “The promise is freedom.” We don't promise anything else except for freedom, you know? [41:57.1 – 41:60.0] And freedom's gonna come in many different ways for you. [41:60.0 – 42:01.5] It has for me. [42:01.5 – 42:03.6] You know, I remember this. [42:03.6 – 42:07.2] It's like I, I was getting real miserable clean, you know? [42:07.2 – 42:08.5] I didn't like who I was. [42:08.5 – 42:12.0] I remember going to my sponsor's house and knocking on the door, and I was like… [42:12.0 – 42:14.3] He's like, “Hey.” You know, it was after a meeting. [42:14.3 – 42:15.1] It was late at night. [42:15.1 – 42:18.3] He's like, “What's going on, Memo?” And I was kicking some rocks. [42:18.3 – 42:23.5] “Nothing.” He was like, “Well, come on in. [42:23.5 – 42:32.8] Come on in.” And he put a pot of coffee on, and we sat down at his dining room table, and he proceeded to tell me about himself. [42:32.8 – 42:37.0] He shared his experience, strength, and hope with me. [42:37.0 – 42:45.2] Where he came from, what happened to him, and how his life got so much better from working the program of Narcotics Anonymous. [42:45.2 – 42:46.6] You know? [42:46.6 – 42:48.8] He didn't tell me how bad I was. [42:48.8 – 42:51.9] He didn't, you know, tell me what I need to do. [42:51.9 – 42:55.5] He told me about himself, you know? [42:55.5 – 43:05.9] And, and, and, and then I was like, “Well, maybe I ought to start working some steps.” And he was like, “I've been waiting.” You [43:05.9 – 43:06.2] know? [43:06.2 – 43:11.2] And, and, and I really owe a lot of gratitude to that man, you know, and that man's here tonight, you know. [43:11.2 – 43:12.5] And, and thank you very much. [43:12.5 – 43:15.2] I love you, man, with all my heart, you know? [43:15.2 – 43:25.4] And then, and, and, uh, you know, I remember we, we started working the steps, and we, we got on that first step, and powerless and unmanageability, and I was like, “Man, what, what, what, what is this?” And, [43:25.4 – 43:27.5] you know, and I, I kinda don't understand it. [43:27.5 – 43:31.2] And he's like, “Look, man, the powerless is once you start, you can't stop. [43:31.2 – 43:41.4] And as a result, everything you touch turns to crap.” I was like, “Okay, got it.” You [43:41.4 – 43:44.8] know, when I came in here 16 years ago, this is all we had. [43:44.8 – 43:49.4] You know, we had just got the Just for Today. [43:49.4 – 43:51.6] You know, and we were excited. [43:51.6 – 43:53.3] It was cool. [43:53.3 – 43:56.0] We got our own meditation book, you know? [43:56.0 – 44:01.7] And I remember we were voting on all this new literature, and it was exciting time in Narcotics Anonymous. [44:01.7 – 44:03.2] It's that time again. [44:03.2 – 44:07.6] We got new literature that needs to be approved, and it's exciting, you know? [44:07.6 – 44:14.6] And I remember people were struggling with that stuff, 'cause, you know, you k- we just wanna h- we, we, we fight change like it's crazy. [44:14.6 – 44:19.1] You know, we just fight it like it's cool, even after we get clean, you know? [44:19.1 – 44:22.6] Because I remember we had all kinds of stuff going around. [44:22.6 – 44:27.1] You know, and the ste- we were doing all kinds of steps from s- everywhere. [44:27.1 – 44:30.2] You know, we were borrowing from different fellowships. [44:30.2 – 44:33.3] We were doing treatm- it was just all kinds of craziness. [44:33.3 – 44:39.7] You know, that's why Narcotics Anonymous got together and said, “Look, we need to do this,” you know? [44:39.7 – 44:42.9] And, and when I got through that first step, man, I was, I was… [44:42.9 – 44:45.9] I knew that I was powerless, and it talked about surrender in there. [44:45.9 – 44:52.6] You know, and it– what it meant to me is, like, I need to surrender in my head and in my heart that I can't do this anymore. [44:52.6 – 44:58.6] I have to stop fighting, 'cause every time I put up a fight, it kicked my butt. [44:58.6 – 45:00.0] Every time. [45:00.0 – 45:02.2] Every time. [45:02.2 – 45:07.1] You know, and then I went on to step two, and, and, and, and we made a dec- uh, no. [45:07.1 – 45:15.8] You know, I went on to step two, and, and it talks about the insanity in there, you know? [45:15.8 – 45:25.9] And, and my sponsor says, “You know, you first gotta believe that you're insane to be restored to insa- to sanity.” You know, 'cause some of that stuff that I thought [45:25.9 – 45:28.6] I did was just, just what we do. [45:28.6 – 45:31.5] That's just what we do. [45:31.5 – 45:34.0] Don't take it personal. [45:34.0 – 45:35.8] You know? [45:35.8 – 45:40.6] If I rip you off or, you know, I have to beat y- don't take it personal. [45:40.6 – 45:42.9] It's, I'm just doing what I gotta do. [45:42.9 – 45:45.6] You know? [45:45.6 – 45:55.8] And, and I remember when I got to that step, it's, you know, it's g- “We, we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves.” And I remember I went, “No, I, I, I'm not cool with this.” And he's like, “What?” [45:55.8 – 46:01.2] Like, “It's talking about God in that step.” He's like, “Wh- where do you see God?” I'm like, “Right there. [46:01.2 – 46:11.3] Higher power.” He's like, “How do you get God out of that?” I was like, “Y- don't, don't trick me.” “I'm not [46:11.3 – 46:14.4] stupid.” You know? [46:14.4 – 46:24.7] And, and, and, and, and, you know, 'cause I, I was one of those guys that when I got here, I had a huge resentment against this God or source or higher power, however you wanna choose to call him. [46:24.7 – 46:34.7] But when I got here, you know, my mentality was, my sick thinking was, is whatever this all-powerful being was, all the stuff that I had gotten into and gone through all my life was His [46:34.7 – 46:37.1] fault, you know? [46:37.1 – 46:40.4] And, and I remember when I got to that step, I wasn't cool with that. [46:40.4 – 46:46.8] And I, I remember going to him, and, “I'm not cool with this God stuff.” He's like, “Well, it doesn't say God.” I said, “Well, it doesn't matter. [46:46.8 – 46:51.2] I'm still not cool with it.” And he, he's like, “It c- y- you gotta read it, Me- Memo. [46:51.2 – 46:52.7] It says we came to believe. [46:52.7 – 46:57.7] We came to believe.” And, and, and, and what he told me is like, “Do you believe? [46:57.7 – 47:07.8] Look at me.” He said, “Do you believe that through me coming into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, my life has totally turned around, and I got some good stuff going on?” I was like, “Yeah, I believe [47:07.8 – 47:10.7] that.” He said, “Then believe in that,” you know? [47:10.7 – 47:13.4] Believe that I believe, you know? [47:13.4 – 47:16.0] I really love what it says in the How It Works and Why. [47:16.0 – 47:16.8] It says, “You know what? [47:16.8 – 47:27.0] Sometimes we gotta, we gotta piggyback on somebody else's belief.” But it also goes on to say that later on in time, you need to find your own, that that will do [47:27.0 – 47:29.5] for just a, for a while to get you over the hump. [47:29.5 – 47:32.2] But later on, you're gonna have to develop your own. [47:32.2 – 47:37.8] And I truly believe if you continue to work the next 10 steps, you're gonna do that, you know? [47:37.8 – 47:43.4] I went on to step three, made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. [47:43.4 – 47:49.6] You know, the most important thing about that step is making the decision, you know? [47:49.6 – 47:57.1] And step one and two, man, I'm, I just saw how destructive I can be i- on, on my own accord, you know? [47:57.1 – 47:59.0] Step three is all about, you know what? [47:59.0 – 48:00.6] I need to try something different. [48:00.6 – 48:02.7] I need to try something different. [48:02.7 – 48:03.6] 'Cause let me tell you something. [48:03.6 – 48:06.0] I was dying in here clean. [48:06.0 – 48:11.7] I was dying in here clean, you know? [48:11.7 – 48:22.3] I remember at eight or nine months clean, still having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, you [48:22.3 – 48:22.5] know? [48:22.5 – 48:28.2] I did not like what I had done to me, you know? [48:28.2 – 48:31.5] Let alone my family, you know? [48:31.5 – 48:35.3] And, and, and, and I was having a hard time and, and I used to do these… [48:35.3 – 48:37.1] You know, and, and let me tell you something. [48:37.1 – 48:41.0] It's a rough place to be when you're clean, and you're praying to this God or whatever. [48:41.0 – 48:45.7] It's like, “If you're such a badass, then take me out,” you know? [48:45.7 – 48:50.4] And, and I remember, I remember that something's gotta change. [48:50.4 – 48:51.7] Something's gotta be different. [48:51.7 – 48:60.0] You know, I really believe a big part of that third step is making a commitment to work the next nine, you know? [48:60.0 – 49:03.9] Making that decision to get a better life, you know? [49:03.9 – 49:08.5] And, and, and through the years, that, that, that step has really taken on a lot of different meanings for me. [49:08.5 – 49:12.7] And they talk about the, you know, God's will and your will and all this kind of stuff. [49:12.7 – 49:15.2] And, and I remember I had a sponsor in North Carolina. [49:15.2 – 49:17.1] He just kinda laid it out real easy for me. [49:17.1 – 49:19.6] He's like, “You know, your will is what's good for Memo. [49:19.6 – 49:27.6] God's will is what's good for everybody, including you,” you know? [49:27.6 – 49:30.2] And it, it, it's, it's sometimes it's hard to do that. [49:30.2 – 49:40.2] You know, I know that sometimes in my recovery, God's will and, and, and, and God's will for me is, like, the hardest thing to do, you know? [49:40.2 – 49:46.2] And, and that's where I get down to, you know, steps 11 and stuff and praying for that courage to do that stuff, you know? [49:46.2 – 49:48.0] And then I went on to the fourth step. [49:48.0 – 49:52.8] And let me tell you something, you know, there's a lot of people that get real scared about the fourth step, you know? [49:52.8 – 49:58.8] And, and, and it talks about in the basic text, the fear of not doing one should be greater than the fear of doing one, you know? [49:58.8 – 50:01.3] You know, because let me tell you something. [50:01.3 – 50:11.5] If you do not take a look at what's going on and what's going on in the core of what all that stuff is coming from, you are doomed, [50:11.5 – 50:13.1] doomed to repeat it. [50:13.1 – 50:15.4] And you know what? [50:15.4 – 50:17.3] It sucks to do it in here. [50:17.3 – 50:28.0] It sucks, you know, because let me tell you, some of that stuff, because I brought all that street crap with me into these rooms, you [50:28.0 – 50:28.3] know. [50:28.3 – 50:30.8] And I remember doing that fourth step. [50:30.8 – 50:34.2] And, you know, like I said, we didn't have the step working guide at that time. [50:34.2 – 50:36.2] I love the fourth step out of the step working guide. [50:36.2 – 50:38.2] It's a beautiful piece of literature, you know. [50:38.2 – 50:39.8] And I remember I went to my sponsor. [50:39.8 – 50:40.7] He's like, you need to write it. [50:40.7 – 50:42.3] I was like, well, write what? [50:42.3 – 50:49.7] He's like, you just need to go write things that happened to you, things you had a problem with, everything you could think about, just write it. [50:49.7 – 50:52.9] And, you know, I got real scared about doing that fourth step. [50:52.9 – 50:56.2] And he used to tell me, you know, you need to write it like nobody's going to see it. [50:56.2 – 50:59.3] You know, you need to write it like nobody's going to see it. [50:59.3 – 51:00.3] Let me ask you something. [51:00.3 – 51:03.2] Have you ever gone with somebody to write a fourth step? [51:03.2 – 51:05.3] Doesn't happen. [51:05.3 – 51:08.1] Doesn't happen. [51:08.1 – 51:10.6] You just go write it like nobody else is going to see it. [51:10.6 – 51:13.9] You know, there's a beautiful process that happens in writing. [51:13.9 – 51:16.5] You know, it's a form of letting go. [51:16.5 – 51:18.1] You know, and I was one of those cats. [51:18.1 – 51:20.1] I didn't want to read and I didn't want to write. [51:20.1 – 51:22.9] You know, since I've been here, I do them both a lot. [51:22.9 – 51:27.2] You know, and I didn't want to go write. [51:27.2 – 51:28.8] And I started to write it, man. [51:28.8 – 51:31.1] You know, and I wrote it like nobody's. [51:31.1 – 51:36.4] And something started happening, you know, and you write it like nobody else is going to read it, you know. [51:36.4 – 51:40.6] And if you get done writing it and you don't want to share with somebody, then tear it up. [51:40.6 – 51:43.7] You still have the benefit of writing it out. [51:43.7 – 51:47.5] You know, but what I did is I started to write it, man. [51:47.5 – 51:55.4] And, you know, you ever go to meetings and you get like the fourth step meeting, you know, somebody's working on their fourth step and then you're feeling all weird. [51:55.4 – 51:59.1] You know, I remember I was writing all that stuff and I started seeing all this stuff for what it was. [51:59.1 – 52:04.7] And I started to get all weird and feeling, you know, and all that shame and guilt started coming back. [52:04.7 – 52:09.2] And I just felt real ugly inside. [52:09.2 – 52:13.5] You know, and what was happening is the healing was happening. [52:13.5 – 52:15.7] The healing was happening. [52:15.7 – 52:25.7] You know, you ever scab your knee, you know, fall down and scab your knee and then you get the little scabilini look going on, you know, and it's like red and then it [52:25.7 – 52:29.4] starts getting red on the outside and it starts crusting over and it starts to itch. [52:29.4 – 52:32.8] You know, the healing's happening. [52:32.8 – 52:35.6] That's the only thing that's happening is the healing's happening. [52:35.6 – 52:40.1] So like all those weird feelings that were coming up for me, you know, that's all that was happening. [52:40.1 – 52:42.1] It's just the healing was happening. [52:42.1 – 52:45.3] You know, that was part of my process of letting that stuff go. [52:45.3 – 52:48.4] You know, then I met with my sponsor and we did a fifth. [52:48.4 – 52:52.6] You know, and I learned the exact natures of my wrongs. [52:52.6 – 52:55.5] You know, Liz shared it very beautiful last night. [52:55.5 – 52:56.2] You know what? [52:56.2 – 53:00.7] I believe in two core emotions, love and fear. [53:00.7 – 53:03.7] You know, love and fear. [53:03.7 – 53:10.3] You know, and I figured out that all the stuff and all the ways that I was acting out was based in fear. [53:10.3 – 53:13.5] You know, and I remember that, man. [53:13.5 – 53:23.0] And I remember sitting down with my sponsor and I remember I did one of those negative inventories, you know, because I didn't know how to do a positive inventory. [53:23.0 – 53:33.3] You know, and I remember sitting, I remember in North Carolina, I was sitting with my sponsor at the time and we're looking down in this valley or no, that was in California. [53:33.3 – 53:34.3] Sorry. [53:34.3 – 53:36.9] I moved around all the time. [53:36.9 – 53:43.3] And I was sitting out there and it was in Yucca Valley and we're looking down over the valley and we're doing this. [53:43.3 – 53:44.5] And I couldn't. [53:44.5 – 53:51.0] And he was like, look, man, like every time the hand of NA reaches out to you, you're always there. [53:51.0 – 53:52.5] That's something positive. [53:52.5 – 53:56.5] Like you make meetings on a regular basis, man. [53:56.5 – 53:58.2] That's something positive. [53:58.2 – 54:00.2] You sponsor guys in here. [54:00.2 – 54:01.6] That's something positive. [54:01.6 – 54:06.6] I've watched you with your kid and you're a great dad. [54:06.6 – 54:07.8] That's something positive. [54:07.8 – 54:11.4] You know, sometimes we need that help. [54:11.4 – 54:14.2] You know, that's one of the greatest things. [54:14.2 – 54:14.6] You know what? [54:14.6 – 54:16.0] We talk about unity in here. [54:16.0 – 54:19.9] You know, I truly believe our addiction got us here. [54:19.9 – 54:21.8] But what keeps us here is the love. [54:21.8 – 54:30.7] You know, I remember one of the first things that I kept hearing that kept me coming back is we love you in spite of yourself. [54:30.7 – 54:33.2] I didn't know what that meant at the time. [54:33.2 – 54:37.6] But it kept me coming back. [54:37.6 – 54:40.3] You know, I truly believe in the hug. [54:40.3 – 54:45.5] You know, I don't believe in the pat you on the back, burp you hug. [54:45.5 – 54:48.3] I don't believe in the little side hug. [54:48.3 – 54:49.9] I don't believe in the homeboy hug. [54:49.9 – 54:51.3] I believe in a hug. [54:51.3 – 54:54.4] You know, I believe that. [54:54.4 – 54:55.3] Let me tell you something. [54:55.3 – 54:59.9] That was one of the first ways that I ever felt the love of this fellowship. [54:59.9 – 55:09.6] You know, when somebody hugged me and I mean hugged me, you know, and I felt the love of this fellowship, you know. [55:09.6 – 55:16.1] And I remember when I finished up that fifth step, I rolled on to six, you know, and I thought four and five was bad. [55:16.1 – 55:20.1] You know, everybody's scared of four and five. [55:20.1 – 55:21.7] Don't worry about four and five. [55:21.7 – 55:23.5] Six and seven is what's going to get you. [55:23.5 – 55:32.2] You know, and I remember I rolled on to six and it was taking a look at those character defects. [55:32.2 – 55:36.0] And I was like, you know, I'm not sure if I'm ready to have all these removed. [55:36.0 – 55:39.0] And my sponsor told me, well, look at how they're wrecking your life. [55:39.0 – 55:43.5] You know, we just went over it in four and five. [55:43.5 – 55:47.2] You know, like I said, you know, we're addicts and we forget real quick. [55:47.2 – 55:56.0] You know, and I remember I looked at that and I went back over it and I saw how my character defects were wrecking my life. [55:56.0 – 55:58.8] And I became entirely ready to have them removed. [55:58.8 – 56:07.0] You know, and I remember I remember just, you know, I just didn't want to be that person anymore. [56:07.0 – 56:12.4] You know, you know, I grew up in a military family. [56:12.4 – 56:13.8] I am a mama's boy. [56:13.8 – 56:16.2] I am a mama's boy. [56:16.2 – 56:18.3] And for years I tried to hide it. [56:18.3 – 56:25.2] You know, and in six and seven, all they did was teach me is like, all I want to do is be who I am. [56:25.2 – 56:29.1] You know, and if that's a mama's boy, then I'm OK with that. [56:30.2 – 56:30.5] You know what? [56:30.5 – 56:32.5] I'm very proud to be a mama's boy today. [56:32.5 – 56:33.5] I love my mom. [56:33.5 – 56:34.6] You know? [56:34.6 – 56:35.8] And it, and, and… [56:35.8 – 56:36.8] Thank you. [56:36.8 – 56:42.5] That's adorable. [56:42.5 – 56:52.8] And it, and you know, and I, I, I went on to, to seven and, and, um, you know, I, I was like, “This seems like the same thing.” And he's like, “No, it's different,” you know? [56:52.8 – 56:58.2] I was like, “Well, character defect, shortcoming, it's the same thing.” He's like, “Memo, look. [56:58.2 – 56:59.8] Look, look, look. [56:59.8 – 57:03.5] Like, a character defect is what's part of your character. [57:03.5 – 57:07.2] That's something that you're gonna need a lot of help to get removed. [57:07.2 – 57:17.2] You know, that's the core of the issue.” He says, “That shortcoming, all that is is the way you act out on that character defect.” You know? [57:17.2 – 57:21.0] He says that shortcoming, that what we're gonna do is we're gonna work on that shortcoming. [57:21.0 – 57:25.6] We're gonna work on that shortcoming, and what we're gonna do is we're gonna take each one of those shortcomings. [57:25.6 – 57:26.4] And that's what we did. [57:26.4 – 57:31.0] We wrote li- list of the character defects, and we put the spiritual principle right next to it. [57:31.0 – 57:32.7] You know? [57:32.7 – 57:34.6] And that's what my sponsor had me do. [57:34.6 – 57:36.6] He said, “We're gonna take care of that shortcoming. [57:36.6 – 57:41.7] How we're gonna take care of it is you're gonna act out in the spiritual principle.” You know? [57:41.7 – 57:44.2] And it's not when you want to. [57:44.2 – 57:47.0] It's all the time. [57:47.0 – 57:48.1] You know? [57:48.1 – 57:52.9] And I, I remember that it, I, I used to carry around, like, my spiritual principles. [57:52.9 – 57:54.4] I used to carry them around. [57:54.4 – 57:55.4] It was a little notecard. [57:55.4 – 57:56.0] You know? [57:56.0 – 57:59.0] And it's things that I have to sponsees that I work with, you know? [57:59.0 – 58:01.9] And, and, and, and what I did is, is like, you know what? [58:01.9 – 58:03.1] It's real uncomfortable. [58:03.1 – 58:08.8] You know, we come in these rooms, man, and we're like, you know, we got this stuff ingrained in us. [58:08.8 – 58:11.0] We got this stuff ingrained in us. [58:11.0 – 58:14.9] You know, so it's gonna take a little help for us to get out of it, you know? [58:14.9 – 58:20.7] And that's where the higher power comes in, and the God and all that stuff, and asking him to help you remove them, you know? [58:20.7 – 58:25.2] And it, it, it's funny how, you know, everybody, “Um, I'm praying for patience. [58:25.2 – 58:25.7] I'm pre…” You better be… [58:25.7 – 58:26.9] Watch out. [58:26.9 – 58:30.3] I'm telling you right now, man, watch out. [58:30.3 – 58:34.5] “I'm praying for wi- I'm praying,” you know, “I'm praying for this.” You know what? [58:34.5 – 58:41.0] Y- y- what, what my experience has been is when I pray for, like, patience, I'm gonna get a lot of opportunities to practice it. [58:41.0 – 58:43.4] You know? [58:43.4 – 58:53.4] So when I ask this higher power of mine and this God of mine to, to help me re- re- remove these shortcomings and help me practice these spiritual principles, I got a lot of places in my life [58:53.4 – 58:56.7] where I got a chance to practice these spiritual principles. [58:56.7 – 58:57.1] You know? [58:57.1 – 59:06.1] And what happens is, is I love six and seven, 'cause those are, to me, are the miracle steps, and that's where the miracle happens, is, is I started to, you know, practice these principles. [59:06.1 – 59:06.5] You know? [59:06.5 – 59:08.9] And, and, and it was uncomfortable, and it was hard. [59:08.9 – 59:13.4] You know, it wasn't easy, but I kept doing it, and I kept doing it. [59:13.4 – 59:17.5] You know, they, they a- they talk about in here you need to act as if. [59:17.5 – 59:17.8] You know? [59:17.8 – 59:19.8] And let me tell you, that's where it applies. [59:19.8 – 59:25.0] You know, it doesn't mean I neglect the feeling that I have and how uncomfortable it is. [59:25.0 – 59:33.4] It just means that my behavior is the proper behavior, that I don't act out on that insanity from step two. [59:33.4 – 59:35.7] You know? [59:35.7 – 59:39.0] That I practice the spiritual principle instead of the shortcoming. [59:39.0 – 59:40.9] You know? [59:40.9 – 59:42.4] And act as if. [59:42.4 – 59:43.7] You know? [59:43.7 – 59:49.2] And if the feelings come up, write about it, talk to my sponsor about, share about it in a meeting. [59:49.2 – 59:50.1] You know? [59:50.1 – 59:53.2] And I remember I, I used to, I just practice these spiritual principles. [59:53.2 – 60:04.0] Practice, and practice, and practice, pra- You know, eventually what happens is the spiritual principle becomes the behavior, and then my thought changes, [60:04.0 – 60:05.6] and then my feelings change. [60:05.6 – 60:07.7] That's the miracle. [60:07.7 – 60:09.7] You know? [60:09.7 – 60:11.1] That's the miracle. [60:11.1 – 60:18.0] You know, at step eight, I really started to take a look at how my behavior affected other people. [60:18.0 – 60:28.0] You know, I remember is it, it says, uh, “Came willing to make amends to all people we had harmed.” We made a list of all people we harmed and became [60:28.0 – 60:29.0] willing to make amends. [60:29.0 – 60:37.5] And I remember going up to my sponsor, it was like, “Man, I'm not, I'm not willing to make some of these amends.” He's like, “It doesn't say that.” I was like… [60:37.5 – 60:40.9] He, he says, “Memo, you gotta take the first part. [60:40.9 – 60:43.7] The first part says make a list. [60:43.7 – 60:56.1] We'll worry about the willingness later.” I was like, “But I'm not willing.” He's like, “Just do the list.” “But I'm not willing.” You [60:56.1 – 60:56.4] know? [60:56.4 – 61:02.5] So I went and made the list, came back, still same stuff. [61:02.5 – 61:03.4] “Here's the list. [61:03.4 – 61:14.7] I'm not willing to make some of these amends.” He just, he looked at me, and he's like, “Yeah, you are, or you wouldn't have made the list.” I was like, “Shit.” You [61:14.7 – 61:18.2] know? [61:18.2 – 61:20.1] Those old-timers, they'll always get you. [61:20.1 – 61:21.6] You know? [61:21.6 – 61:28.5] And, uh, you know, and I remember it's really important that you have a sponsor. [61:28.5 – 61:38.6] And I remember at this time when, when, when I, and when I went on to the ninth step, is make amends wherever possible, except where to do so would injure oth- them [61:38.6 – 61:39.3] or others. [61:39.3 – 61:41.4] I found out that I am the others. [61:41.4 – 61:46.8] You know, I had some people on that amends list that I didn't need to make amends to. [61:46.8 – 61:51.2] You know, I had put that abuse on my list, you know? [61:51.2 – 61:55.7] And for some reason I thought that I had brought that on myself. [61:55.7 – 62:01.8] That something I had did, something I, a way I acted, that I had brought that on me. [62:01.8 – 62:10.3] And let me tell you something, that shit was on my l- list for nine years, and it took a lot to get through. [62:10.3 – 62:11.7] You know? [62:11.7 – 62:15.6] Just for today, that stuff's no longer on my list. [62:15.6 – 62:17.1] You know? [62:17.1 – 62:19.8] And I got through it, and I remember talking to my sponsor. [62:19.8 – 62:27.5] He's like, “You don't owe any amends on this.” He says, “If anything, you, all you did, Memo, is you got caught up in somebody else's madness. [62:27.5 – 62:28.8] You know? [62:28.8 – 62:33.8] And if you owe any amends on this, is you need to forgive yourself.” You know? [62:33.8 – 62:40.2] And I remember doing those amends, and, and, and, you know, in the literature it talks about making living amends and stuff like that. [62:40.2 – 62:49.8] You know, and I remember I, I, I did the amends with my brother and with my mom and, and, and I continue today to try to make living amends to the people in my family. [62:49.8 – 62:53.1] You know, I r- I remember, um, my dad got… [62:53.1 – 63:03.2] My dad got sick about two years ago, and, uh, you know, I, I r- I remember, [63:03.2 – 63:13.3] um, he– they, they called me on, on Halloween and, uh, said that my dad was sick, and, uh, they were running tests and that they couldn't find [63:13.3 – 63:13.8] anything. [63:13.8 – 63:18.0] And, uh, and my, my experience with that is it's always been cancer. [63:18.0 – 63:24.1] And, uh, you know, uh, and, and later on we were talking, and we, and we found out that my dad had cancer. [63:24.1 – 63:34.2] Um Thanksgiving, my mom had called, and, uh, she was, uh, “You know, Dad's, Dad's getting [63:34.2 – 63:35.0] pretty bad. [63:35.0 – 63:40.9] Um, they wanna do surgery on him, uh, in December, but, um, I… [63:40.9 – 63:43.4] Why don't you come out before he goes into surgery? [63:43.4 – 63:46.7] Because after surgery there's no telling what type of state of mind he's gonna be in. [63:46.7 – 63:51.8] He'll probably be on a lot of, uh, drugs and stuff like that and going through chemo and, and everything.” Amen. [63:51.8 – 63:59.1] So, you know, I, I remember I just wanted to get through Thanksgiving, and, and the day after Thanksgiving I flew out here to El Paso. [63:59.1 – 64:02.6] And, uh, I, I remember I went, I went and, uh… [64:02.6 – 64:12.7] I remember when I saw my dad, and, uh, you know, my, my, my brother and my, my mom had, had been seeing him deteriorate, [64:12.7 – 64:14.1] you know, over a period of time. [64:14.1 – 64:19.8] Um, I had just saw my dad a, a couple years earlier and he looked fine. [64:19.8 – 64:28.6] You know, so I went from seeing my dad looking good to, to seeing him really sick, and it, it was, it was, uh, it was very hard. [64:28.6 – 64:30.5] It was very hard on me. [64:30.5 – 64:34.1] And, uh, you know, I r- I remember the, the… [64:34.1 – 64:44.1] And we went to the hospital the day after I got there, and, um, you know, the, the doctors had said that the, the tumors had gotten bigger and they'd spread and, um, [64:44.1 – 64:45.2] there was nothing we could do. [64:45.2 – 64:49.9] That the, the best thing that we could do for my father is take him home and let him pass at his home. [64:49.9 – 64:53.2] And, uh, so we did that. [64:53.2 – 65:03.4] And I remember during this whole time, uh, they kept telling us, “You know, if, if there's anything left undone, if there's anything [65:03.4 – 65:07.9] left unsaid, then now's the time.” You know? [65:07.9 – 65:16.0] And, and I remember that I was so grateful to this program, because there was nothing left undone. [65:16.0 – 65:18.5] You know? [65:18.5 – 65:27.8] I remember that I could sit there and just be with my dad, you know, and, and help take care of him like he had done for me. [65:27.8 – 65:29.0] You know? [65:29.0 – 65:37.2] And, and, and try to feed him and, and, and, you know, pick him up and do things with him and, and just try to be there and talk to him. [65:37.2 – 65:38.5] You know? [65:38.5 – 65:44.4] And, and I remember when he passed, you know, I, I didn't carry any more guilt or any more shame. [65:44.4 – 65:49.8] I'd, I'd been there for him, you know, and, and, and there was nothing left undone. [65:49.8 – 65:52.5] I knew my dad was proud of me. [65:52.5 – 65:57.9] I knew that he loved me, and he knew that I was proud of him, and he knew that I loved him. [65:57.9 – 65:59.6] You know? [65:59.6 – 66:01.4] Nothing was left undone. [66:01.4 – 66:02.8] You know? [66:02.8 – 66:05.4] And I remember falling back on this program. [66:05.4 – 66:08.9] I remember my father died, and the following day I was in a meeting. [66:08.9 – 66:10.6] You know? [66:10.6 – 66:13.5] And every day after that I was in a meeting. [66:13.5 – 66:21.5] And it wasn't because I had the thoughts of getting high but I've been around here long enough to know what I need to do. [66:21.5 – 66:23.6] You know? [66:23.6 – 66:25.1] And I had people calling me. [66:25.1 – 66:29.8] I remember, you know, my grand sponsor here is, is here tonight and, um, you know, I… [66:29.8 – 66:33.0] It was quite a surprise, because I walked in the merchandise room and there he is. [66:33.0 – 66:40.2] You know, um but we do this retreat every year, uh, down in Florida, and it's all our sponsor line and stuff. [66:40.2 – 66:43.9] And I remember I wasn't able to make it that year because I was with my dad. [66:43.9 – 66:51.7] And I remember that I kept getting phone calls all that weekend from Florida, you know, from my sponsee brothers. [66:51.7 – 66:53.4] You know? [66:53.4 – 66:55.5] And all these people in North Carolina. [66:55.5 – 66:57.4] You know? [66:57.4 – 66:58.1] I, I… [66:58.1 – 66:59.5] My phone was just eat up. [66:59.5 – 67:04.4] You never told me that that was gonna happen to me. [67:04.4 – 67:06.9] You know? [67:06.9 – 67:13.3] That I was gonna develop friendships and that people were gonna stand up for me and have my back like that when I got here. [67:13.3 – 67:14.8] You never told me that. [67:14.8 – 67:16.5] You know? [67:16.5 – 67:24.9] And I remember that, you know, wh- when, when we got done with that, you know, and, and, and we did the deal, uh, you know, and, and, and it was done, man. [67:24.9 – 67:26.4] That's about doing those amends. [67:26.4 – 67:27.5] You know? [67:27.5 – 67:29.0] It was about making those amends. [67:29.0 – 67:29.7] You know? [67:29.7 – 67:35.8] I, I, I, I love my mom to death and, and, you know, and, and, and we have a great time when I come and visit. [67:35.8 – 67:40.0] And, you know, and, and nowadays, you know, she doesn't have to flip the bill on everything. [67:40.0 – 67:42.7] You know? [67:42.7 – 67:43.6] It's making those amends. [67:43.6 – 67:45.1] That's part of the amends. [67:45.1 – 67:46.8] For me it is. [67:46.8 – 67:47.9] You know? [67:47.9 – 67:52.0] 'Cause she used to bail me out of all kinds of stuff, even clean. [67:52.0 – 67:54.6] Even clean. [67:54.6 – 68:00.3] Let me tell you, when I first got clean, the woman paid my rent . [68:00.3 – 68:00.5] You know? [68:00.5 – 68:03.3] And, and, and, and, and that's what that amends is about. [68:03.3 – 68:06.8] You know, and I really had to take time out to make that amends to me. [68:06.8 – 68:08.1] You know? [68:08.1 – 68:17.5] I remember when I took that list to my sponsor, he's like, “Where the hell are you?” Like, “I don't know.” He said, “Memo, you were the worst of all to yourself.” You know? [68:17.5 – 68:19.0] And I truly believe in that. [68:19.0 – 68:21.5] I truly believe that we need to be good to us. [68:21.5 – 68:22.9] You know? [68:22.9 – 68:30.1] If I wanna treat anybody with l- any type of love or respect or trust or anything like, I have to do it to me first. [68:30.1 – 68:31.8] You know? [68:31.8 – 68:32.6] I'm one of the… [68:32.6 – 68:34.5] I buy me a Christmas gift every year. [68:34.5 – 68:41.9] Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not so good. [68:41.9 – 68:44.5] You know? [68:44.5 – 68:46.5] But I truly believe in that, you know? [68:46.5 – 68:50.1] I believe in doing something nice for myself all the time, all the time. [68:50.1 – 68:55.1] You know, you g- you go on to te- step 10, and you s- you continue to take this personal inventory. [68:55.1 – 68:56.8] When you are wrong, promptly admit it. [68:56.8 – 69:03.5] You know, what I found out about that step is if you, if you promptly admit it, you'll stop doing it. [69:03.5 – 69:06.5] You know? [69:06.5 – 69:11.0] You know, getting to say, “I'm sorry” it just… [69:11.0 – 69:13.4] it, you know, it, it, it gets old. [69:13.4 – 69:17.9] You know, I remember when I first got here, you know, we didn't have all the literature. [69:17.9 – 69:21.2] We had to do it out of, uh, uh, Living the Program. [69:21.2 – 69:23.7] You ever seen that IP? [69:23.7 – 69:26.4] It's a killer. [69:26.4 – 69:28.6] You know? [69:28.6 – 69:34.2] And I remember my sponsor's like, “All right, here you need to go make copies.” I'm like, “Sh- damn, that's a lot of copies. [69:34.2 – 69:43.7] You sure?” They're like, “Yeah, make copies.” I'm like, “How many?” Said, “30.” I was like, “What?” “Yeah, you're gonna do one every night for 30 days.” You know? [69:43.7 – 69:51.0] What it did is it got me in the habit, kind of reviewing my day at the end of the day, you know? [69:51.0 – 69:56.4] Like I said, once you start practicing these principles in all your affairs, you know, that stuff comes second nature. [69:56.4 – 70:00.2] I learned to think before I act, you know? [70:00.2 – 70:05.7] What I figured out in here is once it comes out of my mouth, there's no taking it back. [70:05.7 – 70:15.2] No matter if I say, “I really didn't mean that.” Doesn't work, you know? [70:15.2 – 70:19.4] So th- I continue to take this personal inventory, you know? [70:19.4 – 70:24.1] It's really came into effect with my daughter, and she's up here in the front, you know? [70:24.1 – 70:25.8] I, I, I would have these long… [70:25.8 – 70:30.7] You know, I was in the Marine Corps at one time, and, and I would have these long days at work, and at that time I was a single parent. [70:30.7 – 70:38.2] I'd come home and, and kind of d- d- you know, not tell you, but I'd, I'd would be a little louder than I should be with my daughter, you know? [70:38.2 – 70:41.2] And, and it's very humbling to go up to a five-year-old and say, “You know what? [70:41.2 – 70:42.1] Daddy was wrong. [70:42.1 – 70:44.5] Daddy was wrong. [70:44.5 – 70:47.4] You know, I just, I had a bad day at work. [70:47.4 – 70:49.6] I, I didn't mean to, to yell. [70:49.6 – 70:51.5] I, I was wrong.” You know? [70:51.5 – 70:52.8] And she'd be like, “All right. [70:52.8 – 71:00.2] Whatever.” You know, and, and, and then I went on to s- to step 11. [71:00.2 – 71:04.4] You know, we talk about, uh, you know, uh, we sought through prayer and meditation. [71:04.4 – 71:08.1] You know, it's not a- or. [71:08.1 – 71:09.8] It's and. [71:09.8 – 71:16.0] You know, meditation is a beautiful thing, but you, you sometimes I know most people don't even know when they're doing it. [71:16.0 – 71:25.1] I remember I was in a treatment center and, and, and, you know, when you go to bed and you turn off the lights and, you know, it's just, that's, that's when all that craziness would come up, you know? [71:25.1 – 71:29.5] And I remember I was real grateful at that time that center would allow me to have this little cassette deck. [71:29.5 – 71:34.4] And I'd put my little earphones off, I'd put them on, and then I'd listen like to Metallica. [71:34.4 – 71:36.9] Master of Puppets. [71:36.9 – 71:42.5] You know, in the literature it talks about kill– it talks about, um, quieting the mind. [71:42.5 – 71:43.1] You know what? [71:43.1 – 71:45.1] And that's, that, that did it for me. [71:45.1 – 71:47.7] It quieted the mind, you know? [71:47.7 – 71:50.9] D- today, meditation takes on different forms for me. [71:50.9 – 71:53.2] I love to run, you know? [71:53.2 – 71:54.5] I'm a big time runner. [71:54.5 – 71:56.1] I'm a big time triathlete. [71:56.1 – 71:58.2] You know, I do all kinds of stuff like that. [71:58.2 – 71:59.3] I meditate. [71:59.3 – 72:00.4] I go sit quietly. [72:00.4 – 72:01.9] I did that before I got here. [72:01.9 – 72:03.4] You know, there was a wonderful woman. [72:03.4 – 72:08.5] I went and spoke down at Palm Springs a, a, a few months ago, and I was passing through here, and I talked to this girl. [72:08.5 – 72:16.1] I was like, “Man, I'm real scared about doing this.” And she's like, “Look, man, all you do is go pray and meditate, and just go up to the p- podium and God will be there.” You know? [72:16.1 – 72:17.4] And I practiced that. [72:17.4 – 72:19.8] I did that th- this afternoon, you know? [72:19.8 – 72:24.5] Step t- step 12 says, you know, I just carry this message, you know? [72:24.5 – 72:27.9] As a result of working these steps, I have had a spiritual awakening. [72:27.9 – 72:30.1] You know, it doesn't mean you get a burning bush. [72:30.1 – 72:35.3] You know, in the, in the literature it talks about, you know, nine out of the 10 of us don't get a burning bush. [72:35.3 – 72:37.1] You know? [72:37.1 – 72:42.6] But what has happened as a result of working all these 12 steps is that my spirit has awakened. [72:42.6 – 72:47.7] You know, I have changed, you know? [72:47.7 – 72:53.2] And through that, I practice this by sharing it with everybody else, you know? [72:53.2 – 72:57.1] I'm a real firm believer this is a program for, for people who do it. [72:57.1 – 73:00.6] You know, everybody always talks about it is a program for people who want it. [73:00.6 – 73:01.6] Let me tell you something. [73:01.6 – 73:05.4] I buried some people in here who wanted it, but didn't do it. [73:05.4 – 73:08.8] You have got to do this program. [73:08.8 – 73:11.6] This is not something you're gonna get through osmosis. [73:11.6 – 73:15.5] There's a difference between the program and the fellowship, you know? [73:15.5 – 73:19.5] The program is the steps, traditions, and concepts, you know? [73:19.5 – 73:22.7] And you have to work a program if you wanna stay clean. [73:22.7 – 73:28.2] You know, fellowship, I love the fellowship and it's a great thing, you know? [73:28.2 – 73:31.4] But without a program, I would've got loaded a long time ago. [73:31.4 – 73:37.4] You know, I really wanna thank this committee for inviting me out here, you know? [73:37.4 – 73:38.1] It, it… [73:38.1 – 73:41.5] you have no idea how you touched my heart, you know? [73:41.5 – 73:46.8] I really wanna thank you for being here in this moment with me, you know? [73:46.8 – 73:49.7] I wanna thank my family for coming out and all the people that I know. [73:49.7 – 73:53.3] You know, this is a program that you gotta keep doing. [73:53.3 – 73:57.3] You know, we, we talk about I, I, I have all kinds of successes. [73:57.3 – 73:58.5] I do. [73:58.5 – 74:00.2] You know, I graduated from college. [74:00.2 – 74:04.9] You know, I'm, I'm a, a– the fat kid that, you know, does Ironman racing now. [74:04.9 – 74:11.1] You know? [74:11.1 – 74:14.5] I, I– that's 140 miles. [74:14.5 – 74:15.0] Whoa. [74:15.0 – 74:16.6] You know? [74:16.6 – 74:19.5] I got a wonderful daughter, a beautiful fiancée. [74:19.5 – 74:22.0] Me and my mom have a beautiful relationship. [74:22.0 – 74:25.7] Me and my brother are working on ours as best we can. [74:25.7 – 74:27.5] You know, but we're doing it. [74:27.5 – 74:31.1] You know, I'm that guy that my mom is proud of today. [74:31.1 – 74:41.2] You know, I'm not that kid that she has to go, “You know, we keep praying for him.” You know, there's a moment of silence [74:41.2 – 74:42.5] at the end of these meetings. [74:42.5 – 74:44.7] Pray somebody in here. [74:44.7 – 74:47.6] We all got somebody we want in here. [74:47.6 – 74:49.1] Pray them in here. [74:49.1 – 74:50.4] I know it works. [74:50.4 – 74:51.9] She told me it did. [74:51.9 – 75:00.1] I wanna thank you for allowing me to be a part of this convention. [75:00.1 – 75:02.7] If nobody's told you they love you today, I love you. [75:02.7 – 75:02.9] All right. [75:02.9 – 75:03.3] Thank you.