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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 913 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: daisy-t-relationships-nasac-johannesburg-2006.mp3 Duration: 00:15:39
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My name's Daisy, I'm an addict. I feel really, really, really, really sick. When I was asked to share, I said yes, because I'm told that when I'm asked to share, I need to share. And someone told me my topic was relationships, and I thought that they were taking the mickey. Like, what I know about relationships would fit on the back of a cigarette packet. That includes with God, with myself, and with other people.
And I was thinking about it yesterday, like, I've had two really committed relationships in my life. One is to my brand of cigarettes, which I've been smoking for 14 years. And the other one was to my drugs and to the syringe, and I did anything for years for both of them. And they were my committed relationships, and they were my most loving relationships, and I was faithful to them, and they were faithful to me.
And they made my life a whole lot better, also, so I kind of thought. And I was thinking that that's the kind of relationship that I know about. I'm kind of not sure about the other stuff, like the God word. And I was really pleased it said underneath relationship, God, self, and others. So I figured if I can go on the God and the self, and I'll leave the others bit out completely, then I should be kind of fine.
Like, when I came into recovery, I didn't want to admit that I was human. And I didn't want to admit that I was a woman. And I could admit that I was an addict, because I knew I was an addict, because I proved it to myself for years. But I didn't want to be human. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I wanted to be untouchable. And I definitely didn't want to be a girl. I didn't want to be a guy. But see, my image of women was, like, tied to a kitchen sink.
Don't ask me where I got it from, but that was women. And women were vulnerable, and women were weak. And, like, the guys I knew were tough. Or they thought they were tough. But for me, admitting that I was human and I was vulnerable was a huge thing. There's a line in one of my favorite songs, How Soon Is Now, which goes, I'm human and I need to be loved. And I was listening to it in the car on the way up.
And that's the bit about being human that I'm really scared of. Because it's like, I think I want to be loved. I think people want to love me. Well, I want people to love me. But people show me love, and I find it really hard to accept. Because it means that people care about me. And it means that God cares about me. Because a lot of the time, my higher power is you guys. And if that's the truth, then I can't do self-destructive things.
And I can't act out in any of the little facets of my addiction, which keep coming up in many different areas of my life. Sorry, I say I'm a lot. But, yeah. Oh, God. I think I'm… See, I always… I wanted to go back to it. I saw women as being weak and vulnerable. And when I was in secondary treatment, I met this counselor who was a woman, who was powerful, who had awesome boundaries, and who was very feminine, but she didn't take nonsense from anyone.
And I thought, I want to be like her. Like, I like that. Like, this is a woman that I can kind of deal with. It's not kind of a woman who, you know, stays at home and has babies. And that's actually what I really wanted. Do you know what I mean? That's actually what I really wanted, but because it scared the life out of me, that's just rather hated. And this woman's still in my life today, and she's a huge role model for me.
Just on the fact that I can be an addict, I can be human, I can be female, and I can be powerful. And I have the right to keep my power and take my power back when I give it away, which I can do on an amazingly regular basis. And I think for me, seeing… And other women in the program made me realize that it was okay to be female. Like, nothing bad was going to happen. Like, nothing really horrendous and awful was going to happen, like, if I accepted the fact that I was a girl.
And I know it sounds insane, because obviously I'm female. But, like, for years, I tried to deny the fact that I was and make myself as ill and kind of androgynous as I possibly could, and therefore be untouchable. And so, for me, like, the huge thing,
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kind of, in my first year and even now, is my relationship with myself and not putting up with stuff I don't want to put up with. And the steps say that I don't have to. Do you know what I mean? Like, I can work my program around any situation. I then have to stick with the decision, which can suck. The other one, the other bit about God, Like, I didn't like the idea of a male God. I've got to be honest.
I did not like this idea of this man, probably with a beard and sandals and that kind of stuff. And my first sponsor said to me, like, OK, what can you see? What can you see that you can kind of understand as a higher power? And I was like, well, there are trees around me, the sun's shining. Like, I can go with that. So, I kind of, nature was my higher power for quite a long time. And I went down to Cape Town for a weekend when I was in treatment and I heard the sea and then the sea became my higher power for quite a while.
And then eventually I got around to thinking that maybe this whole God concept, as in G-O-D, isn't as scary as I thought. And I began building a relationship with a higher power of my understanding. I still have that whole emergency God thing that I used to have when I was using, like, please don't let me get arrested, please let me get home, please do that. But I was just sitting up here just now thinking, please don't let me go blank, please don't let me go blank, please don't let me go blank.
So, it kind of works in a different way. And the other part of this is to others. It's really amazing, there's a person here who's from the UK who saw me when I was using and I was at the lowest point that I thought I could ever be at. And she's here and it's really amazing seeing from someone else who knew me then, like, how different I am now. And being able to talk to her and not being scared of her and being able to talk to all these really scary new people who I've never met before without the floor opening up and swallowing me whole.
But kind of one of the most important things about my recovery and my relationship with others is A, with my sponsor, but B, with my female friends. Like, I've been around the rooms in London for quite a while and I was friends with all the guys. And I didn't like women and like, you're all competition and like, I'd far rather just chat with the guys and I kept relapsing for some reason. And yeah, like, I've got the most amazing group of female friends and guy friends.
But like, female friends that I speak to on pretty much a daily basis. And that's really, really amazing. And that there are people in my life that we've worked on a relationship to a point where I can find them really late in the night crying and I can speak about the same issue for about a week before I get told to shut up. And for me, that's kind of amazing because I was petrified of people. People scared the life out of me.
If I hadn't had a hit, then I actually didn't want to know. And if I couldn't flirt and manipulate my way out of a situation, then I definitely didn't want to know. And so having people in my life that love me and care for me is amazing. Like, it's really pathetic. I haven't had a birthday party since I was about 12 because I had loads of different groups of friends and I didn't think they'd get on and then I started using, so the money obviously went on other stuff.
And for my 18th birthday, friends of mine had a party in the pub and I was in my boyfriend at the time's flat using. And last Saturday, I had a birthday lunch and I was really scared that no one would come. And loads of my friends came and it was really nice. And being surrounded by a group of people that know me for me and even when I'm being a bitch, they still love me. Sorry, I don't know if I can say that.
They still love me and I left that lunch feeling full of love and really happy and really blessed because I wasn't good at maintaining relationships. I wasn't good at maintaining friendships. I'm still not very good at maintaining friendships. It takes quite a lot of work. But I wasn't good at any of this stuff. And the fear of having, inviting people to a birthday lunch and no one coming would have just been too much for me.
So for me, like through this program, like I can do this stuff and I'm not that scared of it. A friend of mine always says our creed is love and tolerance and it's the most irritating expression
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because they usually say it when I'm being nasty. But coming away from like my birthday thing and I was being a bit nasty. I was a bit overwhelmed. Like I had all these people being really nice to me. I was just thinking it's fine. It's all about love. It's great. It's fantastic. I can do this. But for me, like the friend love and the love I feel for people in the rooms, like the friendship love and for the people that come into my lives is amazing because that word and it begins with L and it's always seemed really, really, really long.
Like I can say to my friends that I love them and I do. And for me, that is definitely huge. I think the other relationship which is amazing is with my family and that definitely started healing when I worked through step four, five, six, seven and I did my first step nine. Because my mother was the root of all evil. She's the reason I'm an addict. And that was what's in my head. And I moved out of home when I was really young and she was just the worst thing ever and I have a really awesome relationship with her today.
I mean, it is from quite a distance but we do get on really, really well. And like I'd always felt very insecure and inadequate and not good enough and all that nonsense with my family and with the people that I grew up with and with all of them like I never felt good enough. It was kind of that nameless shame. I don't know what's wrong with me but there's something wrong with me that makes me bad.
And like I don't have that today so much. Like it's much better. Like I can speak to all my family properly and I can communicate with them. Like I got taught how to communicate with people. And that's kind of all through the 12 steps and doing meetings and sharing nonsense sometimes but also having a sponsor. And also Andrew was talking about giving away what's been so freely given to me and like I've been given a lot of chances and opportunities in this program both here and in the UK.
And I remember when the first person asked me to sponsor them I was like wow, okay, that's cool. And I realized that although like I might not have a perfect recovery like I'm human I don't have to be perfect. Like I stay clean for a few 24 hours and I work through the steps and I have a sponsor and I do service and I do all that kind of stuff so I can start giving a bit of what I've got away. It's not much but it's getting there.
I think the big thing for me is I hate conventions. Like all these people in one room really scare me and I wasn't going to come. And I was going to drive up for the day with a friend and then go back and then like I could leave early if I wanted to. And then the situation changed and I phoned one of the committee members and said you know I really need a room help. And yesterday morning I was sitting at work and I was actually like I don't want to go to the convention.
I'm really nervous about it. I really don't want to go. And I tried to get about four other people to share for me. And they said no. And I tried about half an hour ago too and they said no. It's being able to stand up in a room full of people and kind of feel less nervous than I did at the beginning and talk and know that whatever the differences are with people like we're all addicts and we all want recovery enough to do what we're told to do on a daily basis and stay clean for one day at a time.
And like the convention's not so bad. It's not as scary as I thought. And it's actually it's kind of okay. Like one last thing. I love the fact on the program it says I'm from Jo'burg. It's kind of really cool because I'm not. I'm English. But kind of I've lived in Johannesburg for two years and it's my home. And I've made relationships and I've worked and I've done all this stuff. And when I came here I knew about one person and I wasn't capable of working and all that kind of stuff.
So I kind of I saw it and I was quite kind of like okay this is cool. I had a little moan to someone else that was English but like I was actually kind of quite proud. Because since I've lived in South Africa I've had the opportunity to work this program to the best of my ability because finally, for once in my life, I've been willing to sit down, shut up, and do
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what I was told. I might fight about it a little bit, and try and change my mind, but I do try and sit down, shut up, and do what I'm told. And that was one of the first suggestions I was ever given when I came to this program by someone far wiser than I am. So, yeah, I think I've run out of things to say. Thanks for meeting, and thanks for letting me share.