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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 897 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: chris-s-the-gift-of-recovery-na-2004-archive-897.mp3 Duration: 00:26:38
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Hi everyone, I'm Chris, I'm an addict. It's also something I learned from my sponsor is just to take a second or two out before I talk. I'm very privileged to be here. I'm very lucky that I was only told two days ago and I was asked if I was going to share. So I haven't had like all of that time to worry about it and think what I was going to say. I think also for the first time when I was sitting down there I sat and listened to people instead of worrying what I was going to say.
The topic, the gift of recovery. It's weird. I shared it last year's convention and my topic was exactly the same. And I thought maybe, you know the thought went through my head is maybe I can get the CD of last year's one and if I plug it in I can stand here and sort of ad lib through the whole thing and like get through it. Last year was magic. I think a lot of what I'm going to say might be picking up on that and following on. I've grown a lot in a year.
At the end of last year's convention, in fact when I was speaking here last year there were a couple of things that I said. And the first one I knew I had like five months, what was it, about seven months to go and I said you know I'd heard this in the States and there was this one guy talking when he was five years clean and he said on his five years he heard that noise and it was the sound of his head coming out of his ass.
And I thought shit I can't wait till I'm five years clean. I'm so tired of looking at my own shit. And July came and I listened and I listened and I like checked around and and it only like a few months later I realized there wasn't so much as a hard boom like that but more like a long slow and painful. I've done a lot of funny things in active addiction. The other thing that I spoke about last year is I remember talking about gifts and in my early days of recovery when I was a very conscientious inventory writer I had my big A4 book and at the end of that book I'd written a list of it was going to be 20 things but I only managed to do 10 things that I would like to achieve for myself before I die.
And by the time I got to last year's meeting just coincidentally I picked up the book and I was going through some old stuff and I'd read that and I'd realized that in the four and a half years then that I'd been in recovery I think it was four out of those 10 had come true already. It had already happened and this year it's now five. At the end of the last convention I drove down with my sponsor to Cape Town and we stopped off at a little place in the Karoo and I got around to eventually doing my step five because I procrastinated over that one for a long long time.
And I spent the entire day I think it was about nine hours going through the step five and I wasn't allowed to put anything in my mouth during the whole time I was doing it. He told me, you know, don't drink water now because if I do I'm going to be swallowing down the feelings and the emotion of what was coming out. And then nine hours later I went outside and burned my step four and he did a prayer and that was it.
I got back to Cape Town and four days later I'd resigned my job. I'd actually had a complete wobbly and threw my toys out the gut and walked out of my job and this year I started working for myself and it has been a magical discovery. Mostly a magical discovery in that I've worked out I'm a very very bad administrator and I can't manage myself for shit.
[00:05:06]
I'm too scared to write people an invoice. But it's been a period of growth. What I did last year as well is I'm going to do it this year and it's also going to be something else I heard. When I started speaking last year I recalled a story, well not a story, it happened. My best friend at the time when I was in my twenties, a guy called Matthew on his 21st birthday. Matthew was one of us. Just 21 years ago, we didn't know that then.
I was in Cape Town, he was in Joburg and I got a phone call. A phone call was a friend of mine that said Matthew's died. And I asked what happened and what happened was on Matthew's 21st birthday he'd probably smoked his way through a bank bag, he'd drunk a bottle of vodka, half a bottle of tequila or the other way around, it doesn't matter. Then got on his motorbike and he went driving somewhere and somewhere by Wirtz he went through a stop street, he got hit by a car, his bike went up in the air, landed on him and then another car drove over him.
He was in a coma for three days and his parents only found out what happened to him after he died on the third day. Matthew died of our disease. Three weeks after that I went up to Joburg and what I wanted to do, I wanted to go to his house because I was close to him and his family. And I wanted to tell his parents how shit I felt. And I got in my car and I drove and I got to the driveway of his house and at the door down there I saw his mother and his sister standing outside the door.
And I stopped the car and I reversed out and I drove away and I went home and used, because I couldn't face them, I couldn't face what I was feeling in me and I couldn't face and I was completely unable to deal with what they were dealing with. And the only way I could deal with it is how I've always dealt with stuff. I feel pain, I want that pain to go and that's what I did. So this chair, a lot of it is for Matthew.
And this chair is also, I'm just going to name a few for other people that I've known in and out of the rooms. This chair could be for my sister's boyfriend Shane, died 20 years ago from a morphine overdose. Could be for Bridget who died from a pink overdose, she was found in a toilet. For Wayne and Nolene who were found dead in their flats. Could be for Tamang, Tamang used to be a faifster. Tamang used to rob merchants and one day he robbed somebody for their buttons but then he went back to smoke it with them.
And as he was busting the pipe and catching a rush, they cut his throat. He died of this disease. This chair could be for little Stombo who died of tuberculosis as a result of all the stuff that he put in him. And there's countless others. And then for the guys I've known in recovery. The first one I knew was Jason. And this guy, when I came into the rooms, he must have had about five months clean.
I just remember he had the most awesome smile. This guy had, wow man, when he smiled, I thought, wow, this is what recovery is about. I was very new. And one Sunday meeting, Jason was doing the tea and coffee at the meeting. And there was one Sunday, there was no tea and coffee. And we all wondered what had happened to Jason. And then the next morning we read in the paper, addict found dead on the side of the mountain in Cork Bay.
He basically committed suicide. But through using, he spiked himself overdose. A year after that, his mother committed suicide because she couldn't carry on. Both of them died as a result of this disease. Could also be for Brenda.
[00:10:01]
When I did my very first NA share at 60 Days Clean. And it was one of these 60 Day Clean shares where I thought, there's no way that you guys are going to accept me unless I tell you every single rotten, dirty thing that I've done in my life. I was like, bare all, this is what a swine I was and this is how hardcore I was. I did one of those shares. But she came up to me after that meeting and just hugged me and said, welcome, you belong.
A year and a half after that, she started using again. And it got, I don't know, it got too much. She got in her car, she left her family and kids back at home. And she drove out to the N7 just off Malmesbury, parked the car and then she shot herself. Because she couldn't carry on, I guess. She died of this disease. And there's probably every single person sitting here who knows similar stories. This is what we live with, this is what the disease does.
And then, the share is also for a sponsor that I had. His name was Glenn. And Glenn was absolutely amazing. This guy, he never went to rehab or anything. He came straight into the rooms and he did service. He tried to help the fellowship as much as he could. He basically, the old NA office that we had in Cape Town, he put together himself. Made all the furniture, everything. And Glenn reached a year clean.
And two weeks later, Glenn hung himself. He hadn't used, he hung himself. He used to speak to me, I was his sponsor, and said he can't even get through working the first step because of all the stuff that's there. He couldn't do it. Two weeks after his year milestone, he killed himself. See, we don't even need to pick up our drug of choice for this disease to kill us. And, so this is all for them. And the reason it's for them is because I can stand here and I can look at you guys and I think, I am so lucky I have this moment.
I have this today. I'm not where they are. And I look at you guys and I look at just about everyone and I think, how is it possible, man? How is it possible, man? I look at you guys and I hear what you guys are saying and I can't think that you were ever using. Well, most of you. Man, it's a privilege. When I came into these rooms, it had been at the end of about 27 years worth of using. I first seriously picked up between the ages of 10 and 12 when I was being molested by a guy who owned a cafe around the corner from us.
And the only way that I think I was dealing with it at the time was I used to go home and at the back of our house was an old stable and there was a motorbike parked in that stable. And I used to go in there at the age of 10 and unscrew the cap and just sniff petrol fumes. And for a little moment it took me out of the place where I was. But I hated it. Even then I hated that feeling. But I kept on going back to it.
And I also kept on going back to the guy who was abusing me because he told me that he loved me. And even back at 10 I wasn't capable of feeling that for myself. I needed somebody else to tell me that they loved me and that way I belonged. And I used to carry on going back because I used to be given things. So I learnt at a very early age to trade favours. And my using carried on 27 years worth. I got into the rooms after huge amounts of time of trying to maintain and leading a double life.
I finally came in when I couldn't stand what was happening to me anymore. And I was too afraid to kill myself. That much I knew. I knew I wanted to die, but I didn't want to do it. And what finally brought me in, after a lot of time of trying as well,
[00:15:07]
I'd gone through a period where I finally started asking for help. And one of the ways that I asked for help was that I phoned N.A. I found the helpline. And I picked up the phone, after having used, in order to get courage, to pick up the phone and ask for help, because I couldn't do it straight. And they got me to a meeting. And I managed to sit through half of that meeting. I know when it came round to me, everyone's going, I'm an addict, I'm an addict.
And I said, I'm Chris and I'm a full-on addict. And halfway through the meeting I walked out, because I had some gear in my car and I actually just couldn't stand it anymore. But for the next six weeks, N.A. was great. I used to tell my wife at home, I'm going to a meeting, and I used to do, and I used to drive along, and I can remember the one day meeting in Cape Town, and I used to park out there and I used to watch all of you guys going into the meeting, and as soon as the meeting had started, I'd take my car, drive up Table Mountain, and use and use and use, and then come back and park off at the end of the meeting, and then go home, and say, how was the meeting, and say, oh no, it was alright, I used to use that, I used to use the meetings, because in my own sort of way, I thought, well maybe just by going there, I'm actually getting better. It was weird, it happened.
The last, my last day using was the 10th of July, 1999. It was a Saturday morning, I couldn't even carry on with that lie anymore, and I talked to some friends of mine, and I said I needed help, and instead of thinking what I thought he was going to say is like, oh shame, we'll sort you out, he told me to fuck off, and he did it in such a way that he got another mate, and then he went and sat with my wife, and all three of them told me, well these are the choices, either I sort myself out, or I'm going to stop stuffing their lives around, so I told them all to piss off, and I went out and used. I came back the morning after, after not sleeping, and I was using in the house, and then my little boy, Matthew, he was three at the time, he walked in, and I saw him look at me with a look that I'd never seen before, and then my wife walked in after that, and she had a look that I'd never seen before either. It was a look of nothing. I might as well have been a spot on the wall or something like that. There was no hatred, there was no love, there was no anger, and I think at that point I realised I couldn't carry on anymore, and then I really asked for help, and I said, please just take me somewhere, which they did, and through that I was introduced to the program, and I came in here feeling, I don't know, you all know that feeling that goes on in there, when we finally get in here, I was sick, I was scared, I thought I was a complete and absolute failure, because everything that I'd tried to, all my efforts in maintaining this image and being Chris, and I had to come in and I had to be one of you guys, and you guys, my image of you guys were failures, you know what I mean? It was like, Jesus, only people who can't handle what they're doing go to these meetings and do that stuff. I spent my first two weeks in recovery fighting everyone and everything, I think most of all myself, and it was only after a period of two weeks, I don't know what it was that happened, I know what it was that happened, but what led to it, I was sitting outside the treatment centre where I was one day and I had what I can only describe as a spiritual experience. It was a feeling as sure as anything I'd ever felt before, and Natalie was speaking about that feeling just now, and for me it was a feeling that I knew I never ever needed to pick up again, and I got this total feeling of gratitude and connection to whoever, whatever was up there at the time, I'm still coming to terms with who my higher power is, but I knew that was the feeling that was going to keep me going, and that was the feeling that was going to replace the stuff that I'd
[00:20:03]
been using. One of the things that happened in trying to stop, I did not know what was going to replace the drugs, what was going to replace the stuff that made me not feel bad or made me feel happy or took me away, what was going to do that? I know at the time I couldn't stop using, you know, my first meetings, I used to come into meetings and see people putting up their hands for 30 days, and think, how do you stay clean for 30 days?
I did not know, and then there were people with 60 days and 90 days, and back then in Cape Town there were one or two people with a year or more, and I saw somebody put up their hands for a year and I thought, nah, bullshit. But I just became part of the moment, part of the stuff of what's going on in here. I did what was suggested, I got a sponsor, I ended up doing 270 meetings in 270 days, I did a lot of service, probably all for the wrong reasons. I think I stopped doing service at one stage because nobody wanted to listen to me, couldn't understand it. And I've been given these gifts. One of the gifts I'm wearing now is about 15 kilos of stuff, I don't know where it's come from. I came into the rooms about that thin, and it just carries on growing. The other gifts are these really cool t-shirts that I like to pick up. I go to conventions, I'm a complete t-shirt freak. Unlike Dave last night who was speaking about appearances from the inside, before I came here I was choosing which t-shirts to wear, and which was the t-shirt I was going to wear for the meeting. But those are the external gifts. The gift I've got is something that's happening in here. It's my guts and my stomach are getting quiet. And the gift I've got is also something, it's more profound than anything I'd ever thought possible. And I'll tell you what I was doing this time last week. This time last week I've been blessed with a lot of things in recovery.
One of the things, one of the recovery gifts I've also been given is a daughter who was born while I was in recovery. And some months ago we found out my wife was pregnant with what would have been my fourth kid. And after being in denial for a while, I'm always in denial about something, but got to accept it. Last Saturday, I ended up taking my wife to a gynecologist and looking at a scan. And this baby was 22 weeks old, and there was no movement, there was nothing. Her heart had stopped beating. And the doctor just said I'm sorry. And I spent last Saturday taking my wife to hospital, arranging whatever had to be arranged. But I spent last Saturday being there in the moment, and being with her in the moment, and for the first time I think really feeling something inside me. Being able to feel pain, almost more importantly was being able to feel her pain. And to just be there. And that is my gift that I've got just for this week. Because I know what my normal reaction, what it would have been,
[00:25:02]
I know what I would have loved to have done. As I get in my mental version of the submarine, I would have battled down the hatch, and go to the ocean floor, and just sit there, where I can't hurt anybody, and nobody can hurt me. And it would have been preferably with a whole lot of other stuff, just to keep me in that little space that I thought was safe, which kept me using so long. And what can I say? I didn't. And I was able to be there. And a week later I'm sharing.
It's a hundred, hundred and twenty people here. And all I can tell you is the pain and the hurt that was going on there, it was real, but it was nothing, nothing, nothing, compared to that emptiness and the pain and the hurt that I had when I came into these rooms for the first time. And that's my gift. This is what I've got. So it's the amend that the program has allowed me to make for myself. So when I think about all of those guys and everyone else that I talked about before, I think the program has given me the gift of life. But more importantly, just for today, it's given me the choice of how I'm going to live that life. And that's it. Thank you.