Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:01.2] I will just be very brief. [00:01.2 – 00:11.3] Uh, part of the, um, job of the, um, on the convention committee of, uh, hotels and hospitality is to, uh, contact, arrange for speakers to come and, uh, [00:11.3 – 00:12.5] share at our conventions. [00:12.5 – 00:22.9] And, uh, that's one of the pleasures of, uh, serving, uh, doing service work, is that you get to meet people from, uh, different countries and different, you know, backgrounds, uh, [00:22.9 – 00:25.2] uh, different varying ranges of clean time. [00:25.2 – 00:30.1] And, um, it's a real privilege to be able to meet other people in that way. [00:30.1 – 00:35.1] And, um, I'll just give you a little bit of a story about how, uh, I met Benny. [00:35.1 – 00:45.2] Uh, uh, Rick and I, uh, he's not here tonight, we were in Florida at the world convention, and, uh, it was about two– one or two o'clock in the morning, and, uh, we were sitting by the pool, and they were having a, um, [00:45.2 – 00:46.3] a marathon meeting. [00:46.3 – 00:47.3] It was going all night. [00:47.3 – 00:50.5] And, um, uh, Benny walked by. [00:50.5 – 00:54.1] I'd never seen him before and, you know, never met him before or anything. [00:54.1 – 00:59.7] And, uh, he came, and he sat down, and, um, uh, they asked him to share when he sat down. [00:59.7 – 01:02.8] And, uh, the first thing he said was, um, “Hello, friends. [01:02.8 – 01:07.6] My name is Benny, and I'm an average addict.” And I said, “I like that.” You know? [01:07.6 – 01:08.2] I like that. [01:08.2 – 01:18.3] And, uh, thinking, you know, of, uh, you know, things that would happen in the, in the future, and that involved with, uh, convention committees and stuff, I, uh, got his phone number and that, and, uh, [01:18.3 – 01:20.3] about, uh, seven months later, gave him a call. [01:20.3 – 01:23.8] I don't think he remembered me at all, but I, I definitely remembered him. [01:23.8 – 01:27.7] And, uh, I'm really grateful that he could make it out to share with us tonight. [01:27.7 – 01:32.0] So if you could, uh, please, um, give him a warm welcome for Benny M. [01:32.0 – 01:42.1] Benny, take [01:42.1 – 01:42.8] your time. [01:42.8 – 01:45.2] You're gonna make better than you ever have, okay? [01:45.2 – 01:53.8] Oh, gee, I, you know, I'm not speechless, but, uh- I'm enjoying this. [01:53.8 – 01:58.9] My name is Benny, and I'm an addict. [01:58.9 – 02:00.5] Hi, Benny. [02:00.5 – 02:04.0] And you know, I like to think I'm not just a addict today. [02:04.0 – 02:05.5] I'm a recovering addict. [02:05.5 – 02:07.7] Right on. [02:07.7 – 02:11.1] And I certainly feel I'm having an average recovery. [02:11.1 – 02:19.5] I don't have to tell you how many times I've been to the toilet, you know. [02:19.5 – 02:24.0] I'm, I'm nervous, you know. [02:24.0 – 02:34.3] I'm with my peers, you know, and you guys know BS when you hear it so, um- You know, I just– Is there anybody in this room, anybody in this room [02:34.3 – 02:36.5] who does not know how to use? [02:36.5 – 02:41.1] Yeah, I don't know. [02:41.1 – 02:51.3] Well, you know, I think that's great 'cause we don't have to talk about that, and we can sort of kind of focus on, uh, you know, this gift of life [02:51.3 – 02:58.2] that you're talking about, uh, that I would like to talk about, um, for me. [02:58.2 – 03:08.8] And, uh, you know, before I go any farther, let me, let me, let me, uh, let me, uh, say to the new, [03:08.8 – 03:18.8] newer people, uh, in this room or anyone who may be having a problem, um, in coming to grips [03:18.8 – 03:23.6] with what this program is all about, uh, it's good having you here. [03:23.6 – 03:27.5] Uh, we certainly would like to see you again. [03:27.5 – 03:28.9] We've waited a long time for you. [03:28.9 – 03:31.8] And, uh- And welcome. [03:31.8 – 03:32.2] Welcome. [03:32.2 – 03:32.3] Welcome. [03:32.3 – 03:32.9] All right. [03:32.9 – 03:37.1] Um, oh, gee. [03:37.1 – 03:48.1] You know, and I, you know, and, and I wanna share my gift with you guys, the gift that you have given me, uh, which is, um, one [03:48.1 – 03:51.5] day, eight months, and nine years. [03:51.5 – 03:55.6] Um, that's what you've given me, and what a gift that is. [03:55.6 – 04:02.0] And I haven't had to use during that time. [04:02.0 – 04:08.4] Uh, that's not saying I didn't want to, but I haven't had to use. [04:08.4 – 04:10.1] And, and, and that's all right. [04:10.1 – 04:11.7] So, you know, what happens? [04:11.7 – 04:17.3] What does an addict do when he don't use for nine years and some months? [04:17.3 – 04:25.1] Yeah. [04:25.1 – 04:25.6] Okay. [04:25.6 – 04:31.9] Yeah. [04:31.9 – 04:35.8] And, and so, you know, and I, and I, and I, and you know, and I thought about this. [04:35.8 – 04:41.1] I, you know, I don't think this is a, a totally bad thing for me, uh, feelings, okay? [04:41.1 – 04:43.5] You know how we are about feelings, and we have them today. [04:43.5 – 04:50.8] And I should have been here, uh, Friday morning, I think it was, you know. [04:50.8 – 04:51.7] And I got the tickets. [04:51.7 – 04:54.7] I got my tickets March the 21st or something like that. [04:54.7 – 04:56.8] But something happened to me Thursday night. [04:56.8 – 04:59.0] I got so excited I couldn't sleep. [04:59.0 – 05:01.1] That sounds so weird. [05:01.1 – 05:02.3] And I didn't have anything either. [05:02.3 – 05:03.4] I just couldn't sleep. [05:03.4 – 05:12.2] And, uh, but I, I got a list and, uh, you know, and I'm learning from you people about how to get better. [05:12.2 – 05:18.3] And I, I made up a list of the things that you bring, you know, when you go, the toothpaste, you know, stuff like that, you know. [05:18.3 – 05:21.6] And, uh, and I felt so good that morning. [05:21.6 – 05:25.6] I got all that together, and I put it all in the bag and was whistling. [05:25.6 – 05:28.2] Then I jumped in my car and had breakfast and went to the airport. [05:28.2 – 05:31.1] But I didn't have the tickets. [05:31.1 – 05:38.2] Yeah. [05:38.2 – 05:45.0] So I missed my flight- -and had to go back home and, uh, and get the tickets. [05:45.0 – 05:51.1] So I got here a little late, but I got here. [05:51.1 – 05:57.1] And I just can't begin to tell you what I'm feeling and what I think I'm seeing. [05:57.1 – 06:06.1] I, I've never, I've never been in the company of such a, a group of laid back addicts, man. [06:06.1 – 06:07.2] You guys got it. [06:07.2 – 06:18.2] Yeah, [06:18.2 – 06:20.2] and I, and you know, and I, and I love it. [06:20.2 – 06:27.0] You know, very briefly, when I, when I first met you all, I had no idea what this was all about. [06:27.0 – 06:32.9] And, uh, I went into a hospital because I had the heebie-jeebies, it seemed like. [06:32.9 – 06:38.4] And, uh, and I ended up on a detox ward. [06:38.4 – 06:40.7] I thought I had the big C or something. [06:40.7 – 06:45.5] And, and, and you know, this is when I met you all, you know? [06:45.5 – 06:52.4] And I'm telling you what a– oh, boy, what a revolting sight that was. [06:52.4 – 06:54.6] Here you are smiling and, and hugging. [06:54.6 – 06:55.8] Some of us was into hugs. [06:55.8 – 07:02.2] And shaking hands, and I heard stuff like, “I'm a grateful recovering addict,” and so forth. [07:02.2 – 07:04.5] Boy, and I really felt that was sick. [07:04.5 – 07:05.7] I'd never heard that before. [07:05.7 – 07:15.7] And you see, I, you know, and I was in that hospital and I, I guess, you know, while we pray, we [07:15.7 – 07:19.4] should sort of kind of remember, uh, different things to pray for. [07:19.4 – 07:26.0] And I, uh, and I, and I should say a prayer for the Blue Cross Blue Shield, uh, insurance 'cause I never would've been in there. [07:26.0 – 07:27.3] I'm, I'm a working stiff. [07:27.3 – 07:30.2] I, I, I'm just so grateful for so many things. [07:30.2 – 07:38.6] I heard somebody say today that, uh, that, um, that gratitude is a, uh, action term kind of, you know? [07:38.6 – 07:39.6] And that I know today. [07:39.6 – 07:41.2] That's one reason why I'm here. [07:41.2 – 07:48.6] But at any rate, um, if I would've left, I wouldn't have gotten any insurance money, you know. [07:48.6 – 07:50.5] So they sa- had a little leverage over me. [07:50.5 – 07:56.8] And so I stayed there, and I, and I met you people, and, uh, and, uh, you know? [07:56.8 – 08:01.4] And, and this is a program of attraction, and I'm certain you can look around you and you can see that, you know? [08:01.4 – 08:05.5] But my attraction was just to catch y'all in that lie that you were telling me. [08:05.5 – 08:07.3] How dare you tell me that you don't use? [08:07.3 – 08:11.0] How can any self-respecting addict say they're not using anything? [08:11.0 – 08:16.3] So that was my attraction. [08:16.3 – 08:19.1] And anyway, I, you know, and I kept coming. [08:19.1 – 08:21.2] I kept coming 'cause I just wanted to get on with… [08:21.2 – 08:26.4] In, in, in Michigan, we have, uh, a little, maybe a little different format than you have here. [08:26.4 – 08:33.0] We have tables, and six or seven addicts get around a table, and they pound on the table, and they talk about their relationship. [08:33.0 – 08:34.2] You know what we talk about, you know? [08:34.2 – 08:40.7] Everything but what brought us into the program. [08:40.7 – 08:49.9] So I wanted to get on top of one of those tables and really talk about you, you know? [08:49.9 – 08:56.2] And, uh, you know, like, a, a, a year passed and, uh, over a year, I think. [08:56.2 – 09:01.4] And I had not caught you doing your thing because when we do our thing, everybody knows it. [09:01.4 – 09:03.1] Everybody but us, right? [09:03.1 – 09:10.8] And, and you know, and I thought about something else, that I hadn't used anything myself. [09:10.8 – 09:11.8] Not nothing. [09:11.8 – 09:15.4] You know, none of that little boy, little girl stuff. [09:15.4 – 09:18.5] You know, weed or California Cools or anything like that, you know? [09:18.5 – 09:19.4] So I used nothing. [09:19.4 – 09:22.5] And you know, I hadn't even decided to quit yet. [09:22.5 – 09:30.3] You know, so it doesn't matter why we're here tonight. [09:30.3 – 09:33.0] I mean, was the courts or the police or the dog academy. [09:33.0 – 09:33.9] It doesn't matter. [09:33.9 – 09:35.8] What matters is that we're here now. [09:35.8 – 09:36.6] That's what matters. [09:36.6 – 09:44.0] And we may hear something where we don't have to use if we want to, and we don't have to use if we want to. [09:44.0 – 09:46.0] Yeah. [09:46.0 – 09:50.1] And that's how I've become involved with you all. [09:50.1 – 09:53.6] I didn't know what to share. [09:53.6 – 10:01.6] I know you wanted me to make an admission, and I'm one of those people who, as you can see, like to talk. [10:01.6 – 10:12.0] And I shared, I made my admissions and, you know, at the first step, and I'd said something like, you know, I was short, I was poor, I was Black, my daddy screwed chickens. [10:12.0 – 10:25.8] Uh, it was- You [10:25.8 – 10:27.5] know, this is a wonderful program. [10:27.5 – 10:34.4] There is a, a sort of a, a, a, a, a gentle, loving confrontation. [10:34.4 – 10:37.9] Some of us call it inventory taking, you know? [10:37.9 – 10:47.9] Say, “Man, what we're asking you, was it still fun out there?” That got to me funny like, because it had stopped being fun for me, [10:47.9 – 10:49.6] oh, a long time ago. [10:49.6 – 10:56.4] But I always thought fun was just around the corner if I could just get, you know, hit the lotto. [10:56.4 – 10:57.5] Do they have lotto in Canada? [10:57.5 – 10:58.3] Well, anyway. [10:58.3 – 11:02.8] You know, get the big leg filler, you know, the gator shoes. [11:02.8 – 11:05.1] You know the kind of stuff that average addicts like. [11:05.1 – 11:12.9] And some of those fantasies come true, but never was no fun. [11:12.9 – 11:17.8] And so I got the first inkling from you all what was wrong with me. [11:17.8 – 11:20.7] I was suffering from this affliction. [11:20.7 – 11:23.1] I was suffering from the disease of addiction. [11:23.1 – 11:23.6] Okay. [11:23.6 – 11:27.0] And boy, I didn't take to that too kindly. [11:27.0 – 11:27.8] Damn. [11:27.8 – 11:30.5] 'Cause I certainly didn't want to be like you, you know? [11:30.5 – 11:32.0] No way, you know? [11:32.0 – 11:42.0] So, you know, at some time, I did become a part of the we, and, uh, I became like you [11:42.0 – 11:42.1] all. [11:42.1 – 11:44.4] We, we were all addicts. [11:44.4 – 11:54.4] But the unmanageability to me, uh, after I'd stopped doing what I was doing, those average [11:54.4 – 11:58.7] addict things, injecting drugs in every conceivable place in my body. [11:58.7 – 12:00.5] Uh, yeah. [12:00.5 – 12:04.2] And, uh, just doing those things, right? [12:04.2 – 12:10.4] And I'd stopped doing that, and I certainly, uh, you can't tell me that my life was unmanageable. [12:10.4 – 12:11.2] My life was manageable. [12:11.2 – 12:12.8] I wasn't doing those things any longer. [12:12.8 – 12:19.5] But I was trying to manage something that was very difficult for me. [12:19.5 – 12:21.6] I was such a whore for giving away my money, right? [12:21.6 – 12:26.4] That, um, you know, and I really didn't know, and I would try to manage my money. [12:26.4 – 12:31.6] I would try to manage, uh, my feelings and emotions and passions, or yours, you know? [12:31.6 – 12:38.0] So I was, I was, I was miserable, okay? [12:38.0 – 12:39.1] I was miserable. [12:39.1 – 12:43.0] Uh, I was miserable because I didn't have what you all had, you know? [12:43.0 – 12:51.3] Although I, I was so dishonest, I wouldn't tell you, I wouldn't ask you, “How did you get that?” Okay. [12:51.3 – 12:54.8] When you would ask me how I'm doing, I would say, “Oh, just fine. [12:54.8 – 12:56.0] Just fine,” you know? [12:56.0 – 12:57.4] But it wasn't fine. [12:57.4 – 13:07.4] And you know, when I would get my paycheck and, uh, you know, I would go into a store and it would have, um, a sale on for toilet paper, and I'd say, “Give me $20 worth.” [13:07.4 – 13:09.4] I mean, how much shit paper can you use in one day? [13:09.4 – 13:15.3] So those were the kind of things that I was trying to manage. [13:15.3 – 13:22.4] And, uh, you know, I'm just so grateful that I didn't, you know, I, I didn't use, you know? [13:22.4 – 13:23.8] Because I was there. [13:23.8 – 13:35.4] You know, I was extremely vulnerable, and I didn't have the, the honesty or the courage to ask another addict, an [13:35.4 – 13:45.5] addict that's been around here for a while, and say, “Gee, what was it like for you when you had a year or 30 [13:45.5 – 13:46.5] days?” As the case. [13:46.5 – 13:49.2] I needed to know that, but I didn't ask. [13:49.2 – 13:52.7] I told myself I can handle it myself. [13:52.7 – 13:55.1] So I went through a lot of pain. [13:55.1 – 14:01.9] And, uh, I, uh, I, I, you know, I think that I, the honeymoon was over. [14:01.9 – 14:10.6] Um, uh, that sick excitement was no longer a part of going to meetings every day. [14:10.6 – 14:17.9] And, uh, I saw something that I needed to see, uh, from you all. [14:17.9 – 14:27.9] I saw someone sharing, okay, about all the guilt and shame and, uh, you know the stuff we talk about that we don't like to [14:27.9 – 14:29.0] talk about, you know? [14:29.0 – 14:35.1] And this member was sharing this, and they had a twinkle in the eye. [14:35.1 – 14:40.3] Sure, you know. [14:40.3 – 14:42.9] You know, I mean, this is some powerful stuff, man. [14:42.9 – 14:44.6] I mean, how can you smile about that? [14:44.6 – 14:50.1] You know, and but that was what I wanted, and that's what I– That was my spiritual awakening. [14:50.1 – 14:57.9] It wasn't about put your shoes under the bed, and it wasn't about do this and don't screw and don't do that. [14:57.9 – 15:01.3] Oh. [15:01.3 – 15:02.6] You know how we are, you know? [15:02.6 – 15:10.6] «Oh.» And of course, I'm guilty of that myself. [15:10.6 – 15:15.6] Yeah. [15:15.6 – 15:17.7] And so, you know, but I needed to see that. [15:17.7 – 15:23.5] I said, “Boy, now that's what I want.” And I've always wanted that ever since I was a little kid. [15:23.5 – 15:24.8] I wanted to feel good. [15:24.8 – 15:28.2] You know, I wanted to feel good, you know? [15:28.2 – 15:33.6] And I thought I had found it with drugs and, uh, maybe it worked for a little while. [15:33.6 – 15:38.7] But anyway, when I saw this member do this, I began looking around. [15:38.7 – 15:48.7] I guess I began opening up my mind a little more or becoming more aware of where I was, uh, in terms of what is [15:48.7 – 15:49.8] the NA program. [15:49.8 – 15:55.5] You know, desperate men and women. [15:55.5 – 15:56.7] Desperate. [15:56.7 – 15:58.1] Desperate. [15:58.1 – 16:06.6] And seeing hope in that desperation, uh, but above all, seeing humor in that desperation. [16:06.6 – 16:10.8] I've been with some members and they've, uh, they've sort of kind of kept me in stitches, you know? [16:10.8 – 16:13.3] Thank you. [16:13.3 – 16:14.2] Thank you. [16:14.2 – 16:15.3] Thank you. [16:15.3 – 16:15.5] Thank you. [16:15.5 – 16:15.9] Thank you. [16:15.9 – 16:21.9] And so, you know, that kind of, uh, I said, “Well, yeah, maybe this is where I want to be. [16:21.9 – 16:27.0] Maybe this is…” I still wasn't totally sure yet- … [16:27.0 – 16:29.0] you know, if this is what I wanted. [16:29.0 – 16:35.9] Oh, yeah, and one thing here, you know, I don't know about you guys, you know, but, uh, my attention span is about this long. [16:35.9 – 16:39.4] So, you know, and I'm not gonna keep you long, you know? [16:39.4 – 16:42.8] But, uh, but I wanna, I wanna get on it and, and talk about the gift. [16:42.8 – 16:44.2] I just want to give you a little background. [16:44.2 – 16:45.7] Let me put my watch down here. [16:45.7 – 16:53.7] You know, this is some powerful stuff. [16:53.7 – 16:56.1] You got a group of people there and you got them and everything, you know? [16:56.1 – 16:57.2] You can't go to the toilet. [16:57.2 – 16:57.7] Be cool. [16:57.7 – 16:58.2] Be still. [16:58.2 – 17:08.3] So, [17:08.3 – 17:19.1] you know, and, uh, I, uh, I think that, uh, that, uh, having, uh, uh, [17:19.1 – 17:27.9] some concept of, uh, of the first five steps, uh, a-and that, uh, that we have an impact. [17:27.9 – 17:29.5] It has an impact in our lives. [17:29.5 – 17:41.1] Um, and I think without that, we can't go on, um, to, to the, um, to [17:41.1 – 17:43.5] the sixth step and the seventh step and so forth. [17:43.5 – 17:44.1] Okay? [17:44.1 – 17:54.1] And I think that, uh, that I'm beginning to have some impact from the first five steps, and [17:54.1 – 18:04.4] I'm beginning to understand more of my condition as an a-addicted person with a disease. [18:04.4 – 18:05.2] Okay. [18:05.2 – 18:14.5] I think I'm beginning to understand that, as you all say, there's something more involved than simple drug use. [18:14.5 – 18:16.7] Uh, uh, you know, sure. [18:16.7 – 18:18.1] I mean, that seemed like a misprint. [18:18.1 – 18:19.4] You know, why would they put that in there? [18:19.4 – 18:20.3] I mean, this is why I'm here. [18:20.3 – 18:21.6] It's Acatac Anonymous. [18:21.6 – 18:22.3] You know, I'm here. [18:22.3 – 18:24.2] It's gotta be dope, you know? [18:24.2 – 18:28.7] Oh, gee, yeah. [18:28.7 – 18:32.5] And because I remember what you all said, say, “Quit using and you'll be all right,” you know? [18:32.5 – 18:33.3] Which I didn't believe. [18:33.3 – 18:38.5] And somehow I didn't use, but I wasn't all right. [18:38.5 – 18:41.4] Boy, you know, I wasn't all right. [18:41.4 – 18:48.2] So I began to, over a period of time, begin to, you know, wonder how come I was not all right. [18:48.2 – 18:56.9] How come I did not, um, have what I thought I saw you all had? [18:56.9 – 19:00.3] Um, and I began to look at that. [19:00.3 – 19:06.4] I– One of the things that I did, um, I, I had a need to get good around here. [19:06.4 – 19:09.1] Get good. [19:09.1 – 19:14.6] And I, you know, and I wanna say something to you, Saint-Ger main and yes. [19:14.6 – 19:15.2] You know? [19:15.2 – 19:21.8] Especially the living ones, right? [19:21.8 – 19:25.8] Oh. [19:25.8 – 19:30.7] So you all come to my rescue again and you say, “Man, we're not talking about being good. [19:30.7 – 19:34.3] We're talking about getting better.” Getting better, okay, you know? [19:34.3 – 19:35.4] 'Cause I wanted to get good. [19:35.4 – 19:41.8] So, you know, accepting this disease concept was not easy for me. [19:41.8 – 19:42.3] Okay? [19:42.3 – 19:51.2] And it wasn't easy for me because, gee, you know, uh, you feel good, the sun is shining, sex drive's strong, you got $2.50 in your pocket. [19:51.2 – 19:52.3] Me, I'm talking about. [19:52.3 – 19:59.0] Well, we think about it anyway, right? [19:59.0 – 20:08.4] Anyway, so, you know, and so the disease thing, you know, it was kinda, you know- [20:08.5 – 20:09.9] I was kind of nip and tuck there. [20:09.9 – 20:16.6] You know, “What do you mean disease?” You know, and so, “I can do whatever I want to do.” You know, “I don't have no disease,” you know. [20:16.6 – 20:18.0] But I'm grateful I didn't use. [20:18.0 – 20:18.9] I didn't use. [20:18.9 – 20:21.3] Well, let me kind of clear that up. [20:21.3 – 20:26.0] You know, I wanted to, and I did all the, all the things that you all suggest don't do, I did. [20:26.0 – 20:26.7] Okay. [20:26.7 – 20:28.7] I got involved in those relationships, you know? [20:28.7 – 20:31.3] “It's all right. [20:31.3 – 20:31.8] She can use. [20:31.8 – 20:41.8] I ain't gonna use.” So, I mean, you know, so you all told me something that I, that I, you know, makes a great deal of sense now that then, say, “Well, you better go ahead while, while she's in a fog, because [20:41.8 – 20:55.0] once the fog goes, she'll never-” Ahh, [20:55.0 – 20:56.4] all right, guys. [20:56.4 – 21:00.1] I'm sorry. [21:00.1 – 21:00.8] I'm sorry. [21:00.8 – 21:01.0] I'm sorry. [21:01.0 – 21:08.8] So, you know, so, so yeah, that was a, there was an impact there, uh, from the first five steps, you know. [21:08.8 – 21:18.8] And it got to a point where, you know, I just had to, I just had to believe in a power greater than myself, [21:18.8 – 21:21.1] and I've already told you how I tried to get good, so. [21:21.1 – 21:27.1] But that power that I come to believe in, strangely enough, is you people. [21:27.1 – 21:28.2] Right? [21:28.2 – 21:28.5] You know? [21:28.5 – 21:29.9] Just look around you, you know? [21:29.9 – 21:31.7] Ah, gee, you know what I mean? [21:31.7 – 21:37.9] You know, when I think about putting my life, um, turning my w- my life over to caring you guys, it gets a little frightening. [21:37.9 – 21:39.0] I mean, look around you. [21:39.0 – 21:44.1] But you've done a marvelous job for me. [21:44.1 – 21:45.0] I mean, look at me, you know. [21:45.0 – 21:45.7] I look good. [21:45.7 – 21:46.2] I know that. [21:46.2 – 21:53.9] You know But I'm gonna say something, and I don't ever want to hear it again. [21:53.9 – 21:54.2] Ever. [21:54.2 – 21:55.7] I'm a 63-year-old junkie. [21:55.7 – 21:57.2] It ain't that many around today. [21:57.2 – 21:58.6] Yeah. [21:58.6 – 21:59.2] Trust me. [21:59.2 – 22:09.4] You [22:09.4 – 22:13.0] know, that's, that's quite a gift, and I got it from you people, okay? [22:13.0 – 22:18.4] I got it from being involved in this program of Narcotic Anonymous. [22:18.4 – 22:21.1] I believe in this program. [22:21.1 – 22:23.1] This is not a religious program. [22:23.1 – 22:24.0] Thank God for that. [22:24.0 – 22:32.1] But- But NA is my religion, if we just use kind of a loose translation. [22:32.1 – 22:33.1] It's a way of life. [22:33.1 – 22:33.9] Okay. [22:33.9 – 22:37.5] I love this program. [22:37.5 – 22:39.0] I love the people in the program. [22:39.0 – 22:45.0] I mean, what a concept that we're, we're, we're, we're dealing with, you know? [22:45.0 – 22:47.4] Total abstinence. [22:47.4 – 22:49.4] Total abstinence. [22:49.4 – 22:50.6] Isn't that something, you know? [22:50.6 – 22:54.9] So you know, I… [22:54.9 – 22:57.9] And, and, and, you know, greater than myself, and this is you people, you know. [22:57.9 – 23:00.3] And I had to, I had to. [23:00.3 – 23:09.1] This is wow, I had to plug into those, to that collective consciousness that's in our program, that's in NA. [23:09.1 – 23:16.0] I had to, I had to plug into that collective experience, you know, of living. [23:16.0 – 23:22.7] Sure, this is the gift of life, and I believe that when we wake up in the morning, and this is my opinion, and you know how they are. [23:22.7 – 23:23.6] Everybody has one. [23:23.6 – 23:25.6] They're like, “You know what?” So everybody's got one. [23:25.6 – 23:27.0] Um. [23:27.0 – 23:33.0] Yeah. [23:33.0 – 23:41.9] Yeah, I just, you know, I just, I, I, you know, I just had to believe that you all knew something that I didn't know. [23:41.9 – 23:47.5] And I know that when I wake up in the morning, I have the gift of life. [23:47.5 – 23:48.8] I could smoke a cigarette, you know? [23:48.8 – 23:49.7] Sure. [23:49.7 – 23:53.0] You know, drink some wine, you know, whatever, you know. [23:53.0 – 23:55.1] Go to work. [23:55.1 – 23:58.0] You know, go to a meeting, try to help somebody. [23:58.0 – 23:59.6] All of those are my choices. [23:59.6 – 24:01.9] They are my choices. [24:01.9 – 24:09.4] And, uh, and I needed help from you all to help me with those choices, okay? [24:09.4 – 24:13.4] Because at one time, they were your choices, too. [24:13.4 – 24:20.2] So I had to, I come to believe in you, you know, and that was neat. [24:20.2 – 24:30.3] I, I took a look at some of the things that was going on [24:30.3 – 24:37.6] in my life a day at a time, and I, I really didn't like what was happening to me. [24:37.6 – 24:43.1] I wasn't using, and I, I wasn't stealing, and I was paying my bills. [24:43.1 – 24:52.0] And, um, I was hugging the newcomer, the newcomer coming in. [24:52.0 – 24:53.5] You know? [24:53.5 – 25:01.3] I would tell the newcomer what we all tell the newcomer: “You're very, very important.” And I would try to be of assistance to the newcomer. [25:01.3 – 25:05.2] And I was saying my prayers at night. [25:05.2 – 25:06.1] You know, when I get… [25:06.1 – 25:07.0] Sometimes I forget. [25:07.0 – 25:07.6] I just forget. [25:07.6 – 25:08.4] I'm not a bad person. [25:08.4 – 25:09.8] I just forget to pray that's all. [25:09.8 – 25:17.9] So, so, and I was doing those things, but somehow, somehow things was not right in here. [25:17.9 – 25:21.4] Somehow I didn't feel quite whole. [25:21.4 – 25:31.7] I still thought that there was something, something outside of Benny that was going to make Benny whole. [25:31.7 – 25:33.3] That was a feeling that I had. [25:33.3 – 25:34.2] Okay? [25:34.2 – 25:37.3] And you know, I wasn't willing to talk about this. [25:37.3 – 25:37.9] Okay. [25:37.9 – 25:38.8] You know? [25:38.8 – 25:49.1] Sometimes I think, and, uh, you know, it's, it's, uh, it's a sort of a humbling thing to make the admission to you that I, that I'm no longer cool. [25:49.1 – 25:51.5] Uh, that, uh- … [25:51.5 – 25:53.3] that I'm very confused, you know? [25:53.3 – 25:56.1] And I'm horribly insecure, you know? [25:56.1 – 25:57.6] Oh, geez, you know. [25:57.6 – 26:07.2] And so, you know, who wants to talk about that, right? [26:07.2 – 26:14.5] And so, you know, so things has got, things got kind of, kind of hairy for me around there, you know. [26:14.5 – 26:20.4] Um- And so, you know, so that, so, so I had to really get into the first five steps. [26:20.4 – 26:21.6] Okay? [26:21.6 – 26:22.0] You know. [26:22.0 – 26:31.6] Uh, because for the first few years of being around you all, I actually thought that drugs was my problem. [26:31.6 – 26:40.5] I thought that when I quit using, made the decision to quit using, that automatically I was gonna start living. [26:40.5 – 26:46.3] Ah, I would no longer be a dead person . [26:46.3 – 26:50.7] You know, not dirt-in-the-face dead, but, you know, like a zombie, you know? [26:50.7 – 26:54.1] I'm talking about in the program. [26:54.1 – 27:03.2] But I'm also talking about, uh, my unwillingness, uh, my dishonesty to share with you what was going on with me. [27:03.2 – 27:05.5] None of that cosmetic bullshit, you know? [27:05.5 – 27:06.5] What was really going on. [27:06.5 – 27:07.1] How do you feel? [27:07.1 – 27:07.9] Oh, I feel great. [27:07.9 – 27:08.9] I feel fine, you know? [27:08.9 – 27:15.2] But above all, to understand the need to, for getting involved in those steps. [27:15.2 – 27:17.0] Okay? [27:17.0 – 27:25.6] And not ventilate them, but really get involved in them, to accept them on some emotional level. [27:25.6 – 27:27.1] Okay? [27:27.1 – 27:33.9] I guess that's called, correct me if I'm wrong, Judy, personal recovery. [27:33.9 – 27:35.6] Right. [27:35.6 – 27:37.4] You know, personal recovery. [27:37.4 – 27:41.1] We work very hard for our personal recovery. [27:41.1 – 27:43.6] Very, very hard. [27:43.6 – 27:45.1] It's hard work, okay? [27:45.1 – 27:53.0] And I found out, I said, “Well, gee, man, uh, you know, you just, uh, you just, you're just a guy who ain't used today,” you know? [27:53.0 – 27:55.5] You know, like it says in the book. [27:55.5 – 27:56.3] Okay? [27:56.3 – 27:59.3] Just a guy who haven't used today. [27:59.3 – 28:02.5] And I began to sense that I wanted more. [28:02.5 – 28:04.8] I wanted more. [28:04.8 – 28:14.0] I began to stop saying because you all were asking me, and I would, I would rear back and I said, “I didn't use today.” And you all would say, “Great. [28:14.0 – 28:14.8] That's fine. [28:14.8 – 28:17.6] What are you doing with your life?” And how I hated you for that. [28:17.6 – 28:20.7] How dare you ask me what am I doing with my life? [28:20.7 – 28:22.9] But I wasn't doing anything. [28:22.9 – 28:26.3] But making the crowd bigger, that's all. [28:26.3 – 28:36.6] So, you know, so the first five steps then, you know, I had to, I had to, uh, I [28:36.6 – 28:42.7] had to, uh, I had to start applying them in my life, with your help, of course. [28:42.7 – 28:45.6] With your assistance, of course. [28:45.6 – 28:49.9] Okay. [28:49.9 – 28:55.0] So, you know, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I was thinking, uh, um… [28:55.0 – 29:03.3] I was talking to a member about the sixth step and, uh, you know, to humbly ask, uh… [29:03.3 – 29:10.3] You know, whatever is going on, to have it removed. [29:10.3 – 29:13.4] To humbly ask for it to be removed. [29:13.4 – 29:17.9] And, you know, and I, and I, and I had no idea how difficult that would be to me. [29:17.9 – 29:19.8] You know. [29:19.8 – 29:23.0] I'm not an atheist, I'm not agn-… [29:23.0 – 29:25.6] I don't even know what that means, but whatever it means, I'm not that, right? [29:25.6 – 29:35.9] And, uh, but I did not have a, a, a source to go to, okay? [29:35.9 – 29:40.6] To help me remove all that shame and all that guilt. [29:40.6 – 29:41.8] Okay? [29:41.8 – 29:52.3] And even after taking and writing a fourth step, there still was, there still was something, you know, the omission, [29:52.3 – 29:55.5] taking an inventory and forgetting something. [29:55.5 – 29:59.7] And what I would forget, when it would come up, it would almost be overwhelming. [29:59.7 – 30:03.6] Particularly the anger, particularly the guilt. [30:03.6 – 30:04.9] Okay? [30:04.9 – 30:09.4] It seemed like an inbred thing, it was so far down. [30:09.4 – 30:10.4] Okay? [30:10.4 – 30:15.1] I wanted that to be removed, okay? [30:15.1 – 30:19.3] And there are some practical things that went along with that, too. [30:19.3 – 30:29.0] Um, for example, I like, uh, you know, like over 20-some years ago, I believe it was, I got my nose broke. [30:29.0 – 30:31.2] I was in an accident, car accident. [30:31.2 – 30:36.2] And, uh, and you know, and I left, you know, the car. [30:36.2 – 30:38.8] And I mean, what's a nose, right? [30:38.8 – 30:39.2] You know. [30:39.2 – 30:42.1] And so I just went on and got me some hooch. [30:42.1 – 30:45.2] And, uh, for the less sophisticated, that's whiskey. [30:45.2 – 30:50.6] And some cough syrup. [30:50.6 – 30:58.7] Uh, you know, and, uh, like I say, what's a nose? [30:58.7 – 31:06.5] And so, uh, and, and so years later, okay, um, uh, it began to bother me. [31:06.5 – 31:10.4] You say, “Well, it's not a problem unless it's threatening breathing,” right? [31:10.4 – 31:11.5] That's what you all say. [31:11.5 – 31:13.6] So this was threatening breathing. [31:13.6 – 31:16.6] Um, it was all cruddy inside. [31:16.6 – 31:20.3] Um, and I was carrying a, a low-grade infection. [31:20.3 – 31:26.5] And I, I was told that it needed to be, uh, surgically rebroken. [31:26.5 – 31:29.5] Uh, a deviated septum, I believe they call it, you know. [31:29.5 – 31:35.4] And, and I got a second opinion and said, “Yeah, yeah, it's a, it's a problem and it's not gonna get better, okay? [31:35.4 – 31:40.6] And you should look at it.” And a strange thing happened to me. [31:40.6 – 31:45.3] And, and incidentally, I had the surgery in, in, in, in January of this year. [31:45.3 – 31:48.1] But I got caught up in something. [31:48.1 – 32:02.0] I got caught up in, “Gee, uh, should I get the morphine now or later?” This [32:02.0 – 32:03.3] is big time stuff, you know? [32:03.3 – 32:14.1] And it was big time 'cause when I would wake up at night to go to the toilet, my body would be asleep, but it was like having a stereo on full blast in my head, you [32:14.1 – 32:14.2] know? [32:14.2 – 32:15.4] And it was bothering me. [32:15.4 – 32:20.6] And yet- I was not willing to talk to you all about it. [32:20.6 – 32:21.4] Hmm. [32:21.4 – 32:22.3] Okay. [32:22.3 – 32:23.6] How you doing, Benny? [32:23.6 – 32:24.1] Oh, great. [32:24.1 – 32:24.4] All right. [32:24.4 – 32:25.0] Just fine. [32:25.0 – 32:26.2] Jesus, Joseph, Mary, it's fine. [32:26.2 – 32:26.7] All right. [32:26.7 – 32:36.7] So, uh, So anyway, you know, and so you go to tables, you go to your group, you go to people, and, and all of [32:36.7 – 32:37.9] a sudden something just comes up. [32:37.9 – 32:38.9] Oops, there, there it is. [32:38.9 – 32:39.9] I didn't mean to say that. [32:39.9 – 32:45.9] And I, I, I, I remember what you all told me. [32:45.9 – 32:51.8] God, it was so, it was so beautiful, you know? [32:51.8 – 33:01.9] You said, “Benny, if you want to be straight, it doesn't matter what they give you.” Why [33:01.9 – 33:02.9] didn't I think about that? [33:02.9 – 33:06.1] It doesn't matter what they give you, you know? [33:06.1 – 33:16.3] And so finally I made the decision, uh, to get the surgery, and part of my instructions was to take a, [33:16.3 – 33:19.3] a responsible adult with me. [33:19.3 – 33:24.8] And I really didn't know what that meant. [33:24.8 – 33:30.8] But I know today. [33:30.8 – 33:34.9] A responsible adult are you people. [33:34.9 – 33:35.8] You all. [33:35.8 – 33:36.9] Any one of you. [33:36.9 – 33:43.7] And what this responsible adult do is gently and lovingly take charge. [33:43.7 – 33:46.9] Ah, yeah. [33:46.9 – 33:57.0] And, uh, uh, you know, and so, uh, and so me and this per- And, and, and the person that went with me is, [33:57.0 – 34:01.4] is my very dear friend, my son, and we, we, we, we practice together. [34:01.4 – 34:05.0] So you can just imagine what those of you who may have families and… [34:05.0 – 34:09.6] So, you know, so, uh, and he's in the program too, thank God. [34:09.6 – 34:10.2] All right. [34:10.2 – 34:12.9] And, uh, yeah. [34:12.9 – 34:21.9] Yeah, I rarely mention that because sometimes our family members is, you know… [34:21.9 – 34:26.0] But it works for me, and it works for our family members, too. [34:26.0 – 34:28.6] So anyway, I, I went to have the surgery. [34:28.6 – 34:31.9] And, um, and the doctor there knew my history. [34:31.9 – 34:34.0] I explained that to him pretty thoroughly. [34:34.0 – 34:39.2] And so they give me, um, uh, they put me to sleep, okay? [34:39.2 – 34:44.0] And, uh, oh, gee. [34:44.0 – 34:54.2] When I, you know, when I woke up, and they woke me up there, you know, and they walked me around, and that was a most awful feeling that I ever had, [34:54.2 – 34:54.7] okay? [34:54.7 – 34:60.0] I felt that if there was anything to catch, I would catch it. [34:60.0 – 35:03.1] That's how vulnerable that I felt, okay? [35:03.1 – 35:03.7] You know? [35:03.7 – 35:10.1] I, you know, and I felt like something violent had happened to me, you know? [35:10.1 – 35:12.7] 'Cause they had grease around my eyes, so that must have meant… [35:12.7 – 35:20.1] You know, when I, when I was, when I was out there, you know, when you pass out, you know, you say, “Oh, I passed out.” You know, you OD, ah, got drunk, you know, and you piss on yourself. [35:20.1 – 35:23.7] You know, I know what hap- You know, you have a sense of what happened, you know? [35:23.7 – 35:24.5] At least I did. [35:24.5 – 35:32.5] But with this, you know, one moment, uh, and the next moment, and there it is, and it's all over with. [35:32.5 – 35:36.8] And what a horrible feeling that was, you know? [35:36.8 – 35:46.4] So when I went to put on my clothes, and I'd have to put on my clothes, my son had two prescriptions. [35:46.4 – 35:49.9] And he says, “Pa,” he calls me Pa. [35:49.9 – 36:00.3] He says, “They give you, they give you some, some antib- antibiotics, and they also give you a prescription for,” um, I think he said Tylenol [36:00.3 – 36:01.6] threes or Empirin three. [36:01.6 – 36:03.8] Oh, oh, everybody knows that's no problem. [36:03.8 – 36:04.9] I mean, it's, right. [36:04.9 – 36:12.8] So anyway, you know, he kept waving it around, and I never got my hands on that thing. [36:12.8 – 36:16.9] I never got my… [36:16.9 – 36:19.0] I got, I, I got conned, I'm sure. [36:19.0 – 36:26.6] And so I end up, um, going home, and I lived by myself. [36:26.6 – 36:33.0] And I, I, and I become so frightened, I thought I was gonna bleed to death. [36:33.0 – 36:34.3] All the guilt come back. [36:34.3 – 36:35.2] And so I didn't lie down. [36:35.2 – 36:36.4] I sat on the edge of the couch. [36:36.4 – 36:44.4] And somewhere I heard you all say a long time ago, “Don't ever have anything in the house,” you know, you know. [36:44.4 – 36:47.6] No beer for Susie, anything like that, you know? [36:47.6 – 36:49.5] So I had nothing. [36:49.5 – 36:53.4] And, uh, and somehow, you know, I never had anything. [36:53.4 – 36:56.8] I don't know if I believed it or not, but I never just, never had anything in the house. [36:56.8 – 36:58.3] And I'm so grateful. [36:58.3 – 37:01.8] Uh, I'm so grateful that I didn't have anything there. [37:01.8 – 37:04.7] I'm so grateful that prescription was not there. [37:04.7 – 37:10.4] Because believe me, I wouldn't care what it was. [37:10.4 – 37:12.4] If there had been something in that house, I would've used it. [37:12.4 – 37:15.0] No, no, that's wrong. [37:15.0 – 37:15.5] I'm sorry. [37:15.5 – 37:17.0] I would've abused it. [37:17.0 – 37:19.1] Mm-hmm. [37:19.1 – 37:19.6] Okay. [37:19.6 – 37:29.7] So, you know, and, and, and, and, and I was just too, I was just too sick, uh, to get up and go some- I wouldn't know [37:29.7 – 37:30.4] where to go nowhere. [37:30.4 – 37:32.2] I was just, I was just a miserable wreck. [37:32.2 – 37:38.9] And it seemed like that, uh, uh, uh, uh, without, uh, you know, a sense of withdrawal. [37:38.9 – 37:44.7] You know, just magnify that a, a, a, a, a thousand times, and maybe you can understand what I was feeling. [37:44.7 – 37:49.5] But anyway, like you all say, you know, nothing remains the same. [37:49.5 – 37:51.3] It'll pass, you know? [37:51.3 – 38:11.8] But I needed that experience because I've heard you say, “No matter what happens, if your ass fall off, put it in a paper bag and bring it to a meeting.” Yeah, [38:11.8 – 38:12.9] you don't have to use. [38:12.9 – 38:16.1] So, so you see, that become my experience. [38:16.1 – 38:18.8] Your experience become my experience. [38:18.8 – 38:20.0] So I'm grateful. [38:20.0 – 38:21.6] But what, what… [38:21.6 – 38:28.8] The wonderful thing that happened to me, okay, is I was beginning to get, what? [38:28.8 – 38:30.4] Judgmental. [38:30.4 – 38:30.9] You know? [38:30.9 – 38:35.2] You know, you get a couple of days clean time, you know? [38:35.2 – 38:39.8] And, you know, we don't always come in here with, uh- … [38:39.8 – 38:41.3] BMWs and what not. [38:41.3 – 38:44.8] I mean, some of us come in with those red tennis shoes on in February. [38:44.8 – 38:47.5] Oh, yeah. [38:47.5 – 38:50.0] You know, and the galoshes on in July, you know? [38:50.0 – 38:50.5] No, but, uh… [38:50.5 – 38:54.9] Some of us come in like that, right, Jimmy? [38:54.9 – 39:01.6] And, and, and we're told and it's suggested that we're all important, and we certainly want to tell this to the newcomer, you know? [39:01.6 – 39:06.0] But addicts is weird, you know, when we BS-ing them, that's just, you know. [39:06.0 – 39:13.3] And so, you know, I was, I was at that point where I was willing to compromise that, you know? [39:13.3 – 39:23.3] And, and, and so, you know, um, and I was caught up in whether I should like you or love you, you know, [39:23.3 – 39:24.3] however that goes, you know. [39:24.3 – 39:35.7] I, I, you know, I've heard addicts say, uh, “I love everybody,” and I've said it, but there was a part of me saying, “Well, you know, Benny, that may not be accurate what you're saying there.” And [39:35.7 – 39:36.6] so that's where I was. [39:36.6 – 39:44.9] And, but when that happened to me, a wonderful thing happened for me to understand my peers a little better today. [39:44.9 – 39:48.5] I may not like you, I may not love you. [39:48.5 – 39:50.9] You may not love me, you may not like me. [39:50.9 – 39:52.9] That's fine, but I respect you. [39:52.9 – 39:56.5] I respect you because you're not using. [39:56.5 – 40:03.1] Because I know how difficult it gets sometimes from life crisises, if you will. [40:03.1 – 40:04.3] Okay? [40:04.3 – 40:06.7] Yeah. [40:06.7 – 40:13.3] And I respect you because you don't pick up, and I needed that. [40:13.3 – 40:16.5] That was a spiritual awakening for me. [40:17.0 – 40:19.6] So, you know, sure, now I'm ready to have this stuff removed. [40:19.6 – 40:20.4] I wanna get better. [40:20.4 – 40:22.6] I wanna get better. [40:22.6 – 40:23.3] Okay? [40:23.3 – 40:24.0] You know? [40:24.0 – 40:34.5] So I'm willing now to, to, to do what was so hard for me, to go to a source, to have this direct communication, [40:34.5 – 40:39.0] um, uh, with this God of my understanding. [40:39.0 – 40:46.2] Um, this is something I need to– I found out I can't forgive myself in and of myself. [40:46.2 – 40:48.4] I need help. [40:48.4 – 40:49.7] Okay? [40:49.7 – 40:53.1] Um, I can't damn myself. [40:53.1 – 40:55.3] I guess I would need help for that . [40:55.3 – 40:57.1] Okay. [40:57.1 – 41:07.2] With all the, all the, what I'm becoming aware of, that's my human condition, [41:07.2 – 41:08.2] okay? [41:08.2 – 41:09.1] I need help. [41:09.1 – 41:16.3] But above all, I want to enjoy this vision that I am now seeing. [41:16.3 – 41:17.0] Okay? [41:17.0 – 41:20.3] Man, I wanna live way up into the next century. [41:20.3 – 41:29.7] All this information that's coming at us, we're getting more information than we've ever had before in history about people like us. [41:29.7 – 41:31.5] I just wanna be a part of it. [41:31.5 – 41:33.7] I just wanna be around for that. [41:33.7 – 41:44.6] I wanna be around to enjoy what I'm beginning to understand now, the spiritual benefits of this program, [41:44.6 – 41:52.6] and having that, that, that, that void fill up, um, with spiritual meat, if you will. [41:52.6 – 41:53.5] Okay? [41:53.5 – 41:55.0] You know? [41:55.0 – 42:06.4] I had no idea of the spiritual sickness that I was involved in, and I was quite content to say, “Gee, [42:06.4 – 42:16.4] I ain't shooting dope.” I guess that in– that statement in itself is, uh, let you know where I was in terms of program. [42:16.4 – 42:23.3] Um, I got all kind of different times around here. [42:23.3 – 42:25.2] Um, so. [42:25.2 – 42:35.3] So, you know, uh, you [42:35.3 – 42:45.8] know, we get such gifts, the gift of life, trying to learn how to live, and [42:45.8 – 42:47.1] I'm getting this from you people. [42:47.1 – 42:55.6] Trying to understand what it means, the freedom of not having to use. [42:55.6 – 43:03.4] And sometimes I can just sense a freedom that I have, but I don't always know what to do with it. [43:03.4 – 43:04.1] I give it away. [43:04.1 – 43:06.4] You know? [43:06.4 – 43:13.0] I give it away, and I lock myself all up again, and it's no one to blame but me. [43:13.0 – 43:14.9] And that's hard. [43:14.9 – 43:17.9] You mean I am to blame for my pain? [43:17.9 – 43:18.6] Yeah. [43:18.6 – 43:19.4] So yeah. [43:19.4 – 43:19.8] Okay. [43:19.8 – 43:20.1] You know? [43:20.1 – 43:25.5] You know, I said, I, you know, there was a, a, I, uh, I was, I had this sense of freedom. [43:25.5 – 43:31.2] Uh, one Saturday, I was going to a meeting there, and I was feeling real good, and I, I… [43:31.2 – 43:38.7] My mother, she, uh, God bless her, she had a, she had a thing about underwear, okay? [43:38.7 – 43:43.3] And, uh, she always wanted me to have clean underwear on. [43:43.3 – 43:45.7] It s- seemed to had something to do with accidents or something. [43:45.7 – 43:49.6] Clean underwear and all. [43:49.6 – 43:55.9] So, you know, and I, and, and, and I don't know if I was able to, uh, I may not have kept them clean. [43:55.9 – 43:56.8] I think I kept them on. [43:56.8 – 43:57.4] I'm not sure. [43:57.4 – 44:06.2] But at any rate, um, this day, I, I, uh, you know, I just thought of, uh, such a, it was a good idea it seemed like. [44:06.2 – 44:11.4] And I decided to, to, you know, I was going to a meeting and, and I decided not to wear my underwear. [44:11.4 – 44:15.6] And, um, and, you know, and there I was, you know. [44:15.6 – 44:18.3] I mean, and I felt good and free and loose and everything. [44:18.3 – 44:22.9] Yeah. [44:22.9 – 44:26.0] And I went to– And, you know, and addicts love secrets too. [44:26.0 – 44:26.8] That was my secret. [44:26.8 – 44:27.9] Nobody knew about it. [44:27.9 – 44:38.1] So after the meeting was over, as [44:38.1 – 44:43.7] we, uh, I want to do, you know, you go out and you have coffee and you socialize and you do a little stuff like that. [44:43.7 – 44:45.2] You know, that's an interesting time. [44:45.2 – 44:49.4] Sometimes you hear some real good stuff in those little situations there, you know. [44:49.4 – 44:57.1] And so coming back to our cars, there was a, uh, open manhole, and I stepped in that. [44:57.1 – 44:59.3] Right up to the hip, okay? [44:59.3 – 45:02.6] And the police had to come, and they took me to the hospital. [45:02.6 – 45:04.1] It was a very frightful thing. [45:04.1 – 45:14.5] And when I got to the hospital, there was this, uh, matronly nurse there, and she says, “Well, you know, take off your pants.” And I, and, and so, and she said, “Take off your pants.” [45:14.5 – 45:17.1] And I had to– I said, “I don't have on any underwear,” you know? [45:17.1 – 45:21.4] And, and I could just see my mother turning over. [45:21.4 – 45:32.1] And [45:32.1 – 45:35.9] so you could, so you see, I'm not sure what to do with this freedom. [45:35.9 – 45:48.6] Yeah, [45:48.6 – 45:57.4] so you know, and I want, you know, and I, and I, and I, and I want the feeling of inadequacy to be removed. [45:57.4 – 45:59.8] Okay? [45:59.8 – 46:09.9] Um, I want this feeling, you know, I wake up some morning, and I say my prayers, and, uh, in the next [46:09.9 – 46:11.7] half a second, I feel like a lump of doodoo. [46:11.7 – 46:15.7] And, you know, I mean, what did I do wrong, you know? [46:15.7 – 46:18.0] So I want this guilt to be removed too. [46:18.0 – 46:18.6] Okay? [46:18.6 – 46:26.2] A- a- and, you know, and this was something that I, I, I found it very difficult to talk about. [46:26.2 – 46:27.4] Okay? [46:27.4 – 46:36.0] I found it very difficult to talk about my anger, and I, I had no idea that I was such an angry young man. [46:36.0 – 46:38.4] Um, well, it wasn't anger. [46:38.4 – 46:40.8] It's like rage, man, you know, so, you know. [46:40.8 – 46:45.5] And, uh, and I didn't like what I would feel when I would get like that, you know? [46:45.5 – 46:49.1] It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, it's a real toxic feeling, you know? [46:49.1 – 46:57.3] It's, it's like going up on the ceiling, and it takes time to come down, and I didn't like that feeling when I'd come down from that trip of anger. [46:57.3 – 46:58.8] I didn't like that, you know? [46:58.8 – 47:02.2] So I want that removed. [47:02.2 – 47:05.9] You know. [47:05.9 – 47:16.0] And I know this is what, uh, you know, what I must work on to, to get involved in what you all like to refer to as personal [47:16.0 – 47:17.8] recovery, okay? [47:17.8 – 47:21.6] Uh, you know, I'm seeing you. [47:21.6 – 47:25.5] Part of my vision is seeing you guys, you know, having babies, you know, getting married. [47:25.5 – 47:26.8] Now, I think that's neat. [47:26.8 – 47:28.2] I do. [47:28.2 – 47:34.5] I love hearing you all share with other addicts, and go for it. [47:34.5 – 47:36.6] Addicts going back to school. [47:36.6 – 47:37.6] They're getting degrees. [47:37.6 – 47:39.7] They're getting their master's. [47:39.7 – 47:44.5] They're getting their bachelor's, associate's, uh, high school diplomas. [47:44.5 – 47:46.7] I love all of that, okay? [47:46.7 – 47:56.8] Making use of what this program, what Narcotic Anonymous is giving us, making use, uh, the gift of life, of just being able [47:56.8 – 48:02.8] to wake up and breathe and make a decision what you're going to do that day or that moment. [48:02.8 – 48:08.5] What are we going to do, you know? [48:08.5 – 48:11.4] And that's what I wanna do, you know. [48:11.4 – 48:18.5] I no longer want to rob myself of living this golden moment that we all have. [48:18.5 – 48:24.5] Though it's 24 hours, I suspect that it kind of works like this, golden moment by golden moment. [48:24.5 – 48:27.8] I kind of suspect that's the way it, it goes, okay? [48:27.8 – 48:28.8] Right on. [48:28.8 – 48:29.2] Yeah. [48:29.2 – 48:35.3] You know, when I was coming over here on the plane, and, uh, and, uh, boy, was the weather turbulent. [48:35.3 – 48:38.6] Uh, you know, the plane was bouncing all over. [48:38.6 – 48:40.3] I mean, you know, I mean, this powerless business. [48:40.3 – 48:44.5] I mean, sometimes you have to get some concrete reality of what that means, you know, when you're way up there. [48:44.5 – 48:52.5] And so there were a couple of ladies on the plane, God bless them, and they, you know, and so they were praying, you know? [48:52.5 – 48:57.2] And I looked, and I, and I, you know, and I says, “Wow,” you know. [48:57.2 – 49:04.6] But the thought come to me how totally unprepared I am. [49:04.6 – 49:10.4] Y- you know, I mean, if the guy said, “Come on, let's go, Benny,” you know, and I says, “Wait, I'm not, you know, I'm not ready yet,” you see. [49:10.4 – 49:11.4] You see what I'm saying there? [49:11.4 – 49:21.4] And, uh, So, you know, so JF and I were saying, he was saying, well, you know, he, he sort of kind [49:21.4 – 49:29.4] of feels that, and, and now I agree with him that in order to live, you gotta be prepared for the, for the other end of it, you see, you know. [49:29.4 – 49:33.8] So you know, and I want to give up that fear, you know. [49:33.8 – 49:40.5] I want to, I want to, I want to accept what I deserve. [49:40.5 – 49:41.5] We deserve… [49:41.5 – 49:43.4] I'm not talking about entitlement now. [49:43.4 – 49:48.2] I'm talking about we deserve these nice gifts that we get. [49:48.2 – 49:49.3] That's right. [49:49.3 – 49:53.9] We deserve these nice homes, these jobs, okay? [49:53.9 – 49:55.9] We deserve those things. [49:55.9 – 49:58.3] We deserve them. [49:58.3 – 50:07.3] And you know, when I think about the gifts that I, that I receive, I only run into trouble when I say, “This is mine. [50:07.3 – 50:08.1] This is all mine. [50:08.1 – 50:08.9] Don't mess with it. [50:08.9 – 50:11.3] This is mine.” Then somehow I run into a lot of trouble. [50:11.3 – 50:15.9] I mean, my… [50:15.9 – 50:24.6] Yeah, so, you know, so, so part of, uh, part of my vision is to, is to, is to get better, is to get better in those areas. [50:24.6 – 50:31.8] Well, you guys are gonna dance tonight, too, you know? [50:31.8 – 50:41.4] And, uh, I know you're here to trip the light fantastic and, uh- You know, and I, and I got a little taste of that boogieing last night. [50:41.4 – 50:42.4] I saw you out there. [50:42.4 – 50:43.2] Yeah, yeah. [50:43.2 – 50:45.0] And that's neat. [50:45.0 – 50:51.1] You know, and I wanna, and I, you know, and I wanna ask, uh, I've been to a lot of dances, okay? [50:51.1 – 50:57.3] And somehow, you know we're talking about asking for stuff to be removed humbly, too, right? [50:57.3 – 51:03.6] And, but somehow I've never got enough coffee in me to get out on that floor and dance. [51:03.6 – 51:13.6] Well, you know, it kind of [51:13.6 – 51:14.2] goes like this. [51:14.2 – 51:21.3] I'm so important everybody's gonna stop doing what they're doing and watch me make an ass out of myself. [51:21.3 – 51:30.8] You know, that's a gift to get out there, so my, you know, just, well, you know. [51:30.8 – 51:31.8] But I'm shy, you know? [51:31.8 – 51:35.1] All these years and all this stuff has been going on with me, and I didn't know it. [51:35.1 – 51:38.7] Well, gee, I thought I was cool. [51:38.7 – 51:39.4] I believed all that. [51:39.4 – 51:40.5] You know that stuff we hear. [51:40.5 – 51:41.2] “You're cool. [51:41.2 – 51:42.4] You're bad.” Ahh. [51:42.4 – 51:44.7] Yeah, okay, okay. [51:44.7 – 51:47.3] But it's not like that. [51:47.3 – 51:49.6] It's not like that, you know. [51:49.6 – 51:53.1] I'm so grateful I haven't had to go to the toilet while I've been standing here. [51:53.1 – 52:02.0] So, you know, and I, you know, keep that twinkle in your eye. [52:02.0 – 52:03.3] I think that's a wonderful thing. [52:03.3 – 52:04.6] Okay. [52:04.6 – 52:14.6] I hope that, uh, I hope that our newcomers can, can see a [52:14.6 – 52:15.6] way to come back. [52:15.6 – 52:19.9] So much happens at our meetings. [52:19.9 – 52:24.6] One thing that we don't do is use. [52:24.6 – 52:27.6] Yeah, we don't use at our meetings. [52:27.6 – 52:29.3] We don't use. [52:29.3 – 52:31.5] And that's very important 'cause that's what it's about. [52:31.5 – 52:33.2] We don't use at our meetings. [52:33.2 – 52:43.2] I try not to, uh, give the newcomer, uh, add to the drivers that the newcomer– that we already have when we [52:43.2 – 52:43.7] come in here. [52:43.7 – 52:48.5] We come in here with a lot of drivers, a lot of do's and don'ts, and thou's, and all that other stuff, and these. [52:48.5 – 52:50.7] So I try not to do that. [52:50.7 – 52:57.8] I try to remember the desperation that I had when I first met you all. [52:57.8 – 53:03.6] I try to remember how you treated me, okay? [53:03.6 – 53:13.7] I try to remember, you know, how you touched me [53:13.7 – 53:17.5] in that place that people like to be touched at. [53:17.5 – 53:20.1] You know that very special place. [53:20.1 – 53:30.2] I wanna remember that because it was so gentle, and I hear so much talk about how [53:30.2 – 53:33.2] we each understand God, and I think that's great. [53:33.2 – 53:43.3] But when you touch me in the way that you touch [53:43.3 – 53:46.7] me, boy, it's the greatest gift I ever had. [53:46.7 – 53:54.1] And when I allow you to do that, it's the greatest gift I can give you. [53:54.1 – 53:55.8] And, you know, so this is God for me. [53:55.8 – 53:57.6] You know? [53:57.6 – 54:02.1] This is God for me, and it's a very practical God, I think. [54:02.1 – 54:04.8] You know, I can see you guys. [54:04.8 – 54:06.3] I can touch you, you know. [54:06.3 – 54:07.7] You do those kind of things. [54:07.7 – 54:09.9] I can hear all that desperation. [54:09.9 – 54:13.9] I can hear you come here and says, “I wanna rip his or her heart out,” you know? [54:13.9 – 54:15.2] Isn't that a hell of a feeling? [54:15.2 – 54:16.6] You know, rip out with, with your bare hands? [54:16.6 – 54:17.1] Yeah, yeah. [54:17.1 – 54:27.2] Uh, and you don't use, and you don't jump off the… [54:27.2 – 54:29.6] I don't know what's, what's the bridge around here. [54:29.6 – 54:30.0] High Level. [54:30.0 – 54:30.2] Yeah. [54:30.2 – 54:31.3] Yeah, High Level. [54:31.3 – 54:34.7] Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. [54:34.7 – 54:36.4] Yeah, you know you don't do that, you know. [54:36.4 – 54:39.9] That's dealing with that desperation, okay? [54:39.9 – 54:50.2] And so for the newcomer, let's sort of, kind of, uh, just like to share with you, uh, what was told, uh, to me, and I had a tendency to get global [54:50.2 – 54:52.5] about those, those things, you know. [54:52.5 – 55:00.3] But you told me to go to meetings and don't use between meetings, okay? [55:00.3 – 55:05.6] You say that's where all the shit happens at, between meetings, not at meetings. [55:05.6 – 55:07.3] Go to meetings, okay. [55:07.3 – 55:11.0] You told me to get phone numbers. [55:11.0 – 55:17.3] You know, this is a program of, of suggestions. [55:17.3 – 55:21.6] But sometimes those suggestions get real strong, don't they? [55:21.6 – 55:26.1] That's why I said, “You told me,” you know? [55:26.1 – 55:29.6] You know. [55:29.6 – 55:33.4] Get phone numbers and call, and call. [55:33.4 – 55:36.8] You told me to get a sponsor. [55:36.8 – 55:42.4] To find some addict in here that I could trust, okay. [55:42.4 – 55:49.5] And, uh, I– You know, it was just a little bit more explicit, too, you know. [55:49.5 – 55:56.4] You, you suggested that I get a guy- -because there's a lot of stuff that guys need to talk about. [55:56.4 – 56:03.3] Now, I don't know about you guys, but, but, but, but drugs and alcohol and sex went together. [56:03.3 – 56:05.0] It never worked out, now, I wanna tell you that. [56:05.0 – 56:07.7] But somehow it went together, okay? [56:07.7 – 56:11.7] And so I, I didn't know that was a discussable issue. [56:11.7 – 56:15.4] You know? [56:15.4 – 56:15.4] You know. [56:15.4 – 56:19.0] And so, you know, so there's a, there's a… [56:19.0 – 56:24.9] Having a sponsor is a very important com-component of this program. [56:24.9 – 56:28.2] Get a sponsor. [56:28.2 – 56:30.4] Get a spiritual advisor. [56:30.4 – 56:32.4] Find someone you can trust. [56:32.4 – 56:36.2] Now, I know you say, “Oh, man, that's a big deal there.” Well, it is. [56:36.2 – 56:42.4] You know, when you give your money to an addict and he says, “I'll be right back. [56:42.4 – 56:49.7] Trust me.” And you're trying to watch the back door and the front door and the room. [56:49.7 – 56:52.1] I mean, you get, you get spread out kind of thin there, you know? [56:52.1 – 57:00.3] He says, “Trust me.” So you come in here, and here we come. [57:00.3 – 57:01.5] “Hey, babe,” you know. [57:01.5 – 57:04.2] Trust me, it's gonna be our ear to saint, so, yeah. [57:04.2 – 57:06.4] So it's kinda hard, you know? [57:06.4 – 57:09.5] It's kinda hard. [57:09.5 – 57:14.3] But we're asking you to trust someone, to trust an addict. [57:14.3 – 57:16.2] Just trust him, okay? [57:16.2 – 57:19.5] I think all of us wanna be used. [57:19.5 – 57:22.9] We don't wanna be misused, but we wanna be used. [57:22.9 – 57:33.0] So as newcomers and, and oldcomers too, because sometimes I think that, uh, we be around for a little while, and we get sort of kinda caught up in, uh, [57:33.0 – 57:33.4] uh… [57:33.4 – 57:35.9] You know, we, uh… [57:35.9 – 57:40.2] Sometimes I think the oldcomer needs a little hug too sometimes. [57:40.2 – 57:44.6] I think an oldcomer needs to be told that, uh, you know, you're important too, you know? [57:44.6 – 57:48.4] Uh, yeah, I, I kinda feel that sometimes. [57:48.4 – 57:50.9] I, I see that lady over there. [57:50.9 – 57:52.9] God bless you with thirteen years, you know. [57:52.9 – 57:58.2] So maybe I should call you sometime and say, “How was it like for you when you had nine years?” You know? [57:58.2 – 57:60.0] 'Cause I need to, I need to know. [57:60.0 – 58:01.2] I need to know. [58:01.2 – 58:02.7] I need to know that I'm not cured. [58:02.7 – 58:05.7] Uh, I need to know that, uh, I'm not God. [58:05.7 – 58:07.2] I, you know, I need to know those things. [58:07.2 – 58:10.3] Yeah. [58:10.3 – 58:12.1] And so, you know, so this has been a… [58:12.1 – 58:15.3] Oh, boy, this has been something for me. [58:15.3 – 58:22.3] I, I, I'm truly grateful, uh, that I was invited here, uh, by this group. [58:22.3 – 58:25.2] And, uh, you guys are not gonna try and feather me, are you? [58:25.2 – 58:26.9] So anyway- I see a note. [58:26.9 – 58:27.7] You hand him a note. [58:27.7 – 58:28.4] Yeah, I'm like that. [58:28.4 – 58:29.0] You know, I gotta say… [58:29.0 – 58:30.3] And, and that's humor, man. [58:30.3 – 58:31.3] Just humor. [58:31.3 – 58:41.4] So I'm very grateful to have been invited here, and, uh, uh, this is an experience that, uh, [58:41.4 – 58:44.0] that I will remember. [58:44.0 – 58:50.0] So when I get that feeling of, uh, whatever, I can think about this. [58:50.0 – 58:52.8] I can draw on this. [58:52.8 – 58:55.5] You know what I'm saying? [58:55.5 – 58:55.9] I can… [58:55.9 – 58:56.8] I don't know about you. [58:56.8 – 59:07.0] I can wake up in the morning and decide, “Well, I'm gonna be depressed today.” And [59:07.0 – 59:08.3] a strange thing happens. [59:08.3 – 59:10.4] I'm depressed. [59:10.4 – 59:17.7] So you also ask me, say, “Well, man, uh, you know, uh, you brought it on. [59:17.7 – 59:21.5] You can change it, you know.” So I can use that. [59:21.5 – 59:29.5] This becomes part of my, my bag of, uh, resources, okay. [59:29.5 – 59:34.5] And you know, I may not remember your name, but I'll certainly remember the face, Joe. [59:34.5 – 59:39.3] And, uh- You know why I'll remember? [59:39.3 – 59:40.5] Because you're whole. [59:40.5 – 59:42.6] You're whole. [59:42.6 – 59:43.2] Yeah. [59:43.2 – 59:44.4] You're a complete person. [59:44.4 – 59:46.4] I'll remember that, okay. [59:46.4 – 59:55.9] But above all, it will not get caught up in, uh, you know, like it was when I was under the influence and things was not too clear, things was kind of vague. [59:55.9 – 59:57.2] It won't be like that. [59:57.2 – 59:59.7] It will be very sharp. [59:59.7 – 60:06.0] I hope to see some of you guys again somewhere, and I'm sure that will be true. [60:06.0 – 60:11.4] They say that, uh, two mountains can never meet, but two recovering people can always meet. [60:11.4 – 60:16.8] So I'm grateful that you all have, uh, you've given me another day of being clean. [60:16.8 – 60:17.2] Thank you.