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Source: Ralph W – Steel City Woodstock (2024) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ralph-w-steel-city-woodstock-2024-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:12:06
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My name is Ralph W.. I'm an alcoholic. Let me apologize in advance. I hope my voice makes it through the talk. I'll make it. Let's hope my voice does, too. Nancy, thank you. I'd like to thank you and your committee for all you've done. Oh, I sound funny. Cliff was just talking about character defects. One of mine is getting ready to come out right now, what I think you think about me. This is not my regular voice, you guys. I'm really appreciative of being placed where I'm placed. It can be intimidating to have to follow the rest of the speakers, but in another way, they've set the tone. We've had some remarkable speakers. I told Cliff not to set the bar too high. He did not pay any attention to me. I want to thank the speakers who came before me. I've heard everybody. I'm kind of a junkie like that.
I love going to meetings of alcoholics. I love conventions. I love speakers. I get the opportunity to come up here a lot. What I am is really a composite of all the people I've listened to over the years. I report back. I'm pretty good at that. I synthesize some stuff that I've heard and I report back. One of the main people that I do that for is Mr. Bob D. over there. Bob doesn't like that when you single him out, but I was sitting down thinking when we went Friday night. I want to thank Rebecca for opening us up Friday.
Really, really, I got a lot out of that talk. Then Cliff and Bob. Much of what I have been given over the years in Alcoholics Anonymous, much of my personal growth and many of the people who've poured into me, I don't always get the opportunity to let them know what they've poured into me. A lot of that, that gentleman right over there, me and Bob have been rolling for quite a long time. For some reason, I was kind of a kid in Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember when Bob got the idea to have a format like this and started talking about it.
At the very first state line retreat, which is the granddaddy of all these, I don't know, he saw something in me and I got the opportunity. And now that I think back, wow, Clancy, Sandy Beach, Tom Iverson, Clint Hodges, Sharon C., Sharon B. at the time, Charlie C., Angie D., oh my god, and me. What am I doing? I thank you. Judith, where you at? Oh, there you are. I remember when you came with your crew, green and fresh and young and on fire. Came out to Vegas that first time and look at you now.
Oh my god. A lady with a message, a powerful presence, touching people. Okay, enough of that. Let's do, and thank you Adam. You know Adam is from home. I don't see Adam right now. He's probably up in here somewhere, but thank you. There he is. I was at a meeting a few weeks ago, talking at the meeting and I looked to the side and I'm in the middle of talking and I saw Adam up in there. I'm like, I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
[00:05:03]
But he's on his home turf and man, thank you for sending us off. And so the good news about me being up here to do 8 and 9, you guys, and I'm going to try to do, I'm going to try to talk about steps 8 and 9. And I like to talk about it from the standpoint, because we hear the promises all the time. I know we hear them because you guys even chimed in. So I know we hear them all the time. And we hear them so much, sometimes when we get oversaturated with the readings, they lose meaning.
We don't really pay attention. And when we read those promises, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, and we read them all the time, what phase of our development are we talking about? I think that for me, there are a couple of phases of spiritual development that kind of mirror my prayer life. I say my spiritual life kind of mirrors my prayer life. I say, help me. And that's the earliest phase I come in here. Help me. Surrender, give up. Phase to give me. Grant me peace as I go out from here. Grant me to surrender, give me. And the third phase, highest calling. And it's the phase we're going to talk about now. Use me. And it's the highest calling in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's to use me.
And so if we are painstaking about this phase, so now I've been fitted. And you know when we read about that eight and nine, we talk about our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service. What have I been doing to fit myself to be a maximum service to people around me and to this power that has done something that I can never do for myself? You know, I was listening last night when Bob and Cliff were talking. Bob said something about bondage of self. And in our reading it says, and it seems that there is no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid.
And I started thinking of what is it that's really easy to get rid of without his aid, you know? And there are some things that I can do unaided. Principally, I can stay bound up in the bondage of self without, that seems to be what happened on Ralph's will by itself. Unaided, you know? Without this power, unaided, that's where I am. You know, so this business of when we get to this eighth and this ninth step, gosh, Adam talked about walking back through the steps. I'm not going to walk through all of them, you guys. But we don't get to this amend step without some preparation.
Now, caveat, big caveat, I want you to consider this caveat, too. Because there are a lot of people, I'm glad Cliff used the word didactic. One of the things Bill Wilson was most fearful of is our program becoming what he called frozen. And one of the reasons why Ralph W. abandoned church many years ago is the dogma. And you want to tell me how it is? It's not dynamic. It's not moving. It's not fitted. It's one size fits all. It's one way to do it. It's finger in your face. Get your finger out of my face. Stop. I'm not that kind.
And sometimes, unknowingly, in Alcoholics Anonymous, I, thank you for sharing that, Cliff, can be a guy that can ease into some kind of dogma. I am not that guy. I am far from that guy. Here's what I'm saying about that. Spiritual life, you guys, I hate to report because we're in a Woodstock weekend and we've got some great communicators on our big book Alcoholics Anonymous. But the power that I access through this book is not contained between the binders of a book. My sponsor, who is Bob B. out of St. Paul, Minnesota, says, Ralph, you can't eat the menu.
I was listening to Clint Hodges not too long ago, and Clint says sometimes, and I was that guy for a while, sometimes you can get a box of cake mix and you can read the directions, and I used to give this analogy about cake mix.
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Clint went somewhere else with it. He said, you can read the directions on the box of cake mix. You can memorize the directions on the box of cake mix. You can invite all your friends over to your house to do a workshop every week reading the directions on the box of cake mix. God damn it, get in the kitchen and bake a cake. You don't read the directions, and so I'm not a read the directions kind of guy. I leaned on that a long time because that's what I had. I had the literature and I had information, but as I've been around here, and I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not scared of it, and folk can write about me.
You got the directions, you know, earlier from Judith about how to write about me, but you'll get some opinion up here, but what you'll get is Ralph W.'s experience on this road with you guys for over 37 years. My sobriety date is October 11, 1986, and I've been doing this, and so I took a long way around riding that donkey. I went the wrong way around to come back to this, because as much as I, and I'm only going to hit this point for a moment, and it's only for consideration. It's only to keep us awake to what we're in. We're not in this dogmatic pursuit. There is no one-size-fits-all. There are, every now and then, there are things that go outside the box, but I'm going to talk about what's inside the box, but I'm going to throw this out.
So generally speaking, there is a lead up until we get to this step on amends. Me and Bob were doing, I'm going to go back to that. Let me make this point, because generally speaking, we need to build up to this amends, right? But check this out. In 1935, a certain doctor, he got visited by a New York hustler, and this Akron physician got sold on the ideas that the New York stockbroker bought to him. Sold on it. Got excited about it.
He got so excited, he said, damn it, I'm going to go to this convention where all my people are, because I really want to go there. I'm the brand new me. And he went off to the medical convention, came back drunk. Toe up on the train, right? Had to come get him, you know, off the train. So this doctor, when they came and got him, you know, Bill and his wife, they came and got Dr. Bob off the train. He slipped, right, after he had been visited by Bill Wilson.
When he got him off the train, they had to get him ready for this surgery he was doing. So, you know, what they did to get him ready, he had a couple of goofballs, they put some alcohol up in him, and he went and he performed the surgery. And then, they waited for him to come home. And they waited, and they waited, and they waited. Bill Wilson staying at the Smith's house, staying with Ann Smith, and they waited. And they thought, like you should think in the case of Ralph being missing, they thought, okay, here we go, right? And Dr. Bob rolls in, it's dark, and he rolls in sober.
What? And they said, what happened? He said, I think I'm going to go through with it. I've been out going to see the people. I've been door knocking. I've been making things right. Making amends. Front end. Suggest some things. A, in the spiritual world, don't get so stuck, you guys. Our co-founder did it out of, you know what I'm saying? Spiritual world, it ain't necessarily rules. But, that's an exception and an outlier. I just throw it out there because it's going, I want to set a tone for where we're going.
Generally speaking, it's good for most of us to lay the groundwork when we get ready to do the work. us to lay the groundwork when we get ready to do this eighth and ninth step. Made a list
[00:15:03]
of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. And that's the eighth and the ninth step. Bob and I were doing a workshop at Paramount Group some years back, and I remember, for some reason, I remember this. We're doing this workshop and we're talking and we get to amends and we get to ready and we start talking about amends and a dude's eyes light up, right? And he's at the treatment center they brought in. And I'm like, oh, okay. And he couldn't wait to do amends. I said, okay, let me guess who you want to make amends to, right? And he had his hands up, you know, well, my ex-girlfriend, see, that's why you got to wait until you get to step eight and nine. This ain't about, you know, and so this business of making amends, you know, it really starts, you know, I got to go through, you know, a few things before we get to the eighth and ninth step.
Thank God for collapse. Somebody mentioned that the word surrender is never mentioned in our book. And I think probably because in my case, any time I actively surrender to anything, you know, it had a self-centered motive. I don't surrender. I'm not the giving up kind of guy. I don't give. I do it because I need a break. Okay. Okay, I give. I give. You turn your back on me. I'm going to throw something, you know, and I'm not the surrendering kind. I don't give up my stuff. You know, I don't surrender goods. I don't surrender. So, I'm not the surrendering kind. But on October the 11th of 1986, I was surrendered. I was surrendered.
I had the gift of that. Didn't know it was a gift. In these last years, I more appreciated that gift, you know, and it was so miraculous. You know, the gift of surrender, you guys, and the longer I'm here, the more I get amazed. In Bill's story, he says, God comes to most men gradually, but his impact on me was sudden and profound, right? And I've read that for all the time, and I think he came to me gradually, impact on me. But check this out.
On October, I started drinking in earnest as a freshman in college in 1971. I was an 18-year-old kid. You know, I'm not overnight alcoholic. I think Adam, in his story, said, out to shoot. I'm not that guy. I'm the guy that started out on the weekends. I'm the guy that started out, you know, going to class, and, you know, and just, and it was fun and games. You know, it's drinking, spinach, Tyrolean, Green Springs, Boone's Farm, Yago, you know, rum and coke, and I remember getting fascinated, because now I'm a grown man. I'm 18, but I'm out at this university, and I'm in the dorms, and I'm learning to experiment with this stuff people talked about.
I'm learning how to make, you know, tequila sunrise, and I still think about that, and I get, you know, a glow. And first, you know, the fundamental drinks, a screwdriver, rum and coke. Then I'm making daiquiris, because I'm a single guy, and I will put some ice cream in daiquiris, use a blender. Oh, you should have been there. You know, so now I'm grown, and I'm experimenting, and I'm, and Hugh Blind used to make some drinks in the can, and I would go to Dodger Stadium, and I'd have these whiskey sours in the can, and you know, and I'm smoking commercial weed, and I'm listening to Earth, Wind, and Fire on a sunny day, and oh my god, who wouldn't want to be a young man in 1971, living in Los Angeles, California, going down to Venice Beach, and on a sunny day, just blasting Marvin, and smoking Earth, and drinking. Oh my god, you know, and that's how it was for me for a time, you guys. So I didn't come out to shoot like that, and I'm running with a fast crew, and I'm running with people who were gonna be successful, and I'm gonna be successful.
I've always been that guy. I've had a, you know, kind of a, I grew up a poor kid from Watts, you know, but I've always been a high-achieving guy, you know, and, and so I grew up in, and so that's how it was for me, and I eased into this thing of alcoholism, and so by the time it collapsed on me, from 1971, I started drinking. By the end of 71, it was on a daily basis, right, and from 71 to October
[00:20:04]
the 10th of 1986, I couldn't put it down, and something happened on October the 11th, 1986, where it appeared as if I walked through the looking-glass, and I went from that life, the life, the life, you know what I'm saying, the aimless walk life, the sordid places life, you know, that life, to this life. I walked through the looking-glass, and I didn't make a reservation. None of us do. How many of us know that the best day of our life, you know, it looks like the worst day of our life. We've all had that best, worst day, and we didn't know it was the best, worst day till looking back, and so all the way up from 71 to October the 10th of 1986, I couldn't put it down. From October 11th of 1986 to now, I haven't picked it up. I submit to you that God's impact on me was sudden and profound. I just didn't know it.
Conceded, signed up for the duty, came in here, started doing what you guys do, you know, got a second-step experience, you know, and then, and I'm not going to go through all of it. Oh, I'd love to talk about my second-step experience, but I won't. You know, in the end, I got on my knees in my third step, full pro. Got to talk about that. It's where the rest of the program is going to pivot, you know. It's what we stand on. I said, okay, God, do something with me. Do something with your boy. There's too much me between me and you. There's too much me between me and your kids. This bond to yourself, and then in four and five, I looked at what is it I'm bound to anyway? My old ideas. What is it I'm bound to anyway? My stuff. What is it I'm bound to anyway? Playing God in your life. What is it I'm bound to anyway? The thing that I think about that you guys have, and the thing I love about you, when Judith was talking, you know, for me, my defects of character work for me, and that's why in seven, it talks about removing all the defects except the ones that stand in the way of my usefulness. Some of them still work for me in the fourth and fifth step. One of my defects is, goddammit, you ain't gonna own me. You are not gonna own me, and that's why I looked, because I believe the world and the people really dominated me, and you ain't gonna dominate me. Not me, no. Oh, hell no, and so I looked, and so I looked, and then, here's the piece, and then we get ready to go to where I'm gonna go, you guys.
God does not make hard terms with those who seek him. That's a powerful, powerful, powerful piece for your speaker right now. You know who makes hard terms? We do. I do. I make hard terms for those who seek him. You gotta write it like this. You gotta not say it like that. I'm like you, but… Next time, take requests, and I will be, anyway. I remember when I was first introduced to the book, you guys, and I'm like Christopher Columbus.
When I discover something, that's when it gets discovered, right? So I discovered the book, and I start reading the book, and I start showing up at meetings, telling y'all how you supposed to be reading the book, and I would do what Cliff was saying, you know, and don't say that in the fourth step. No time is up in here. They're killing people. They were up here keeping the light on for me, and they're killing people. Stop it. Stop that. Stop it. Stop it. I'm gonna get on the soapbox for just a half second, and I promise I'm gonna jump off. Quit share-shaming. Stop it.
I get to say it now because I've done it. Share-shaming enough. Stop it. Let people share what they share. You know, people be up here because here's the deal, you guys. I have two things that work with me all the time. One of them is this. If it ain't my experience, you're lying about it being yours, and the companion to that is this. My experience is the experience. If it ain't my experience. So whatever my experience is, you know, so I come in, and I might be a person that was around at meetings, and people were, but the thing about it, I found myself, and I'm gonna say this, and I promise I'm gonna leave it alone. I promise, you know, but I was talking to my nephew not too
[00:25:02]
long ago about starting college, and I was talking to him, and I was giving him some, and I said, you know what? The first thing I want you to remember, half the battle is going to class. And it hit me. That is why folks say to new friends, go to meetings. Go to meetings. Go, it ain't the whole message. Half the battle is going to class. I love concerts. I love going, me and Les went out, and we saw Bruno Mars in Vegas some years ago, and when we went to see Bruno, we had these tickets, and we went inside, and we had our tickets, but we didn't know where our seats were. So we found the ushers, and the ushers showed us to our seats, and it dawned on me that the people who get up to the podium, and their message is go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Don't be share-shaming them. They're the ushers. They're the ushers. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and while you're going to those 90 meetings in 90 days, which is the best I can tell you right now, because that's my message, in those 90 meetings in 90 days, you'll run across Paul, and you'll run across Bob, and you'll run across Cliff, and you'll run across Judith. So quit share-shaming the people.
We don't need them to take that. We have a marvelous choir, and we all sing and contribute to it. We don't have, we ain't a one-note choir. We ain't a one-tune choir. We need every verse in the, and that is a powerful one. Don't take that one out the choir. Take your ass to me. Okay, get off the soapbox. Okay, so now we get ready to go to 89. So now I come out of my fourth, so my third step, you know, because check this out. I'm not here standing in front of you guys right now.
I'm not here because this big book has kept me sober. I'm not even here because these 12 steps have kept me sober. I'm here because I've used this big book to apply these 12 steps to put me in touch with a power that has done for me what I cannot do for myself. Make no mistake about it. I'm here because I don't have the power, and that there is a power, and that power has been working in me, and through me, and it is not of me, and it is not by me, and I like to think if I can master the information because that's who I am. That's my wheelhouse. I'm the information guy.
I'm the knowledge guy, but that ain't what this deal is about. You know, Sandy used to say the book is not the treasure, it's the map, and I'm here to tell you, you know, I'm here. I came here, and something happened to me, you know, and that's something that's indescribable. Most of our members call that grace, and we don't create the grace. We don't produce the grace. We can't control the grace. We don't predict the grace, but we certainly have caught it, and so my job has been not to create the grace, you know, because grace is available, period. It's been available to me when I was out there. It was available to me on the night of October the ninth, two days before my last day. It was available to me October the sixth. It was available. What happened, Ralph? How come you don't know? How come the people that's out in the street right now, same grace is available to them?
What's the problem? It ain't the problem. The grace ain't never been withheld. The receiver is blocked. The receiver is blocked, so it ain't my job to create the grace. My job is to wipe the window, and I start wiping the window in four and five. I smudge the window, and I smudge it in four and five, and I start taking a look at some of these things, these manifestations of self, and when I do my inventory, and I'm not going to redo that because Judah did a wonderful job of that, but there are a couple of things that I have to ask myself when I go in that process. Number one, do I want to be right, or do I want to be free? Do I want to be right, or do I want to be free? And the second piece in that is being free of the resentment does not mean I condone, excuse, or exonerate the behavior.
I want to be free of the resentment, and how free do you want to be? You can settle for relief, or you can settle for freedom in this deal, and the residue, how many people have written resentments on the same person a number of times? And this ain't funny. And this ain't funny, and this ain't, this is a real question, how many people have written
[00:30:01]
on somebody, and I don't care how much you write about them, you still can't seem to shake the resentment, anybody? The residue of the resentment is in the ninth step, quit writing, quit writing. There's a point at which self-examination becomes self-absorption, that's Ralph's opinion, so what? You know, there's a point at which that becomes me obsessively looking at myself obsessively. The residue of the fourth step I will find in the ninth step, I will find, why is it I don't get, and I'm wondering why in the fourth step and why in the fifth step I share with my sponsor, how come I can't get free?
Because this ain't a five-step program, it's a 12-step program, how come I ain't got free of it? You know, because I held on to some of the worst items in stock, and even when I share with my sponsor, that's not always the discarding, even when I go into the sixth and seventh, so now I go into the sixth and seventh, because I'm armed with some stuff, and I say okay God, now I see me, I see me differently than when I came to you in the third step.
When I came to you in the third step, I'm tore up, and I know it, do something with me, and I don't mean put hardwood floors or slap some paint on me, tear it down. The book talks about roots, grass, new soil, you know, I need a whole new structure, not a remodel, brand new, brand new, and I'm going to let you do what you will. I'm not an architect, I'm not a designer, I'm the clay, do what you will.
And he starts doing what he will, and I start going into that fourth and fifth step, and I come out of that, and I see some stuff that go to sixth and seventh, and I say now, when I do the seventh step, it's really illuminating, because I see some of the ugly. I see some of what it is I do, I see some of the ways that I show up. Unlike Judith, I have some stuff that's so petty in me, and I took it to my eighth and ninth, I have some stuff that's so petty in me, that I have people in my first column that did not lend themselves to the prayer.
In the first column, I got some people that I did not say the prayer, they were perhaps spiritually sick. I had my grandmother in my first column. You know why she was in my first column? Because she embarrassed me. She dipped snuff, and she looked, my grandmother was an older lady, my grandmother was obese, she was country, and she dipped snuff, and she loved her voice. But see, you don't have to, that's why in that prayer, it says, we realize that the people who wronged us, you don't have to wrong Ralph to be on my resentment inventory, I'm that petty.
My baby girl, River, she's twenty-nine now, I was sober, twelve years sober, when River was in her momma's stomach, and I wrote about her. I'm too old to have another baby, I don't have time for this. And I wrote about my baby girl, in her momma's stomach. And she didn't have to go on that prayer either. And the reason I say that is not to say, as Judas was talking, I said, damn, look how petty you are, you don't have to wrong me to be on my resentment, but the power of resentment inventory, and the power of inventory period, it shows me what I don't know about me.
Autobiography is what I know about me, but I need to shine the light on what I don't know. And so then I go into this six and seven, you guys, and now, armed with that, this is you. God, you want this? Take all of me, good and bad. You'll take this? Good and bad. And then I come out of that, and immediately, I start writing it down, just check this out. I'm getting ready to go see the people. And the good news about having gone through one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven, is when I go see the people, they're not going to reckon.
Bill Wilson, when he saw Abby Thatcher, said, he wasn't, he said, when Abby was sitting at his table, he wasn't himself. People had seen me loaded for so long, when I wasn't loaded, they said, he ain't himself.
[00:35:01]
I used to joke about it, and I'd say, damn, man, I drink so much, I get so loaded, I stagger when I'm sober. You know, I'm thinking I'm being clever. But when you go see the people, when you represent Alcoholics Anonymous, when you represent this power that is powering your life, it's something different that'll happen. And I need to have that when I get ready to go do that. I've made, I've clumsily, my first effort at doing amends, my very first amends, I botched it.
Out to shoot. Because I still had some of my character defects that were dominating me. Now, the thing about these steps, usually the benefit of a step you'll do from the following, you don't get the benefit of step three in step, you don't get, let's go backward, you don't get the benefit of step two in step two. You don't consummate step two with step two. In fact, when we get to the tenth step, there'll be a clue.
For by now, sanity has returned. What? Yeah, you have to do all that, because step two is the solution, and the rest of the step through three to twelve, ten step program action to get to the solution, right? So that's what, and the third step can have what? Little permanent effect, unless what at once, so damn, this thing is, you know, that's what it, that's what happens. You don't get the effect of it when you're in it.
You know, the third step is nothing until you start writing. That's how you know you've turned your will and your life over. How do I know that? When my sponsor asks me to do something, then I do it when I don't want to. That's third step? Yeah, that's third step. Yeah. Yeah. When you go and keep a commitment when it's inconvenient to, that's third step? Yeah, that's third step. That's third step. You know?
Wow. So, so now six and seven, you know, it starts work, what's one of my biggest defect, procrastination. I immediately start writing and I go see the people, you know, arrogant, you know, self-righteous. You can't take any of that into the ninth step. You can't take any of that into the ninth step. So when you think about, how am I going to start turning these defects over to God, start doing ain't nothing.
The process of turning over my will and my life. You got to worry about that. Wax on, wax off. Don't even think about it. Just do what's indicated and it's going to do what it is that we do. Right? So my first attempt at doing it, so I owe the guy some money and just backdrop, I started and I need everything. I need everything available to me, you know, in order for me to do what it is that we do. And for me, when I was a year sober, I had seen these people at a marathon meeting present the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous in a way that was extremely enticing to me.
It was, and two of the members of that group at the end of that meeting, my brother and I and my friend the late Leon Strange, we went up to two of the members and asked them, would they do for us what had happened in their group? They were members of this group called Big Book by the Sea. And so these two members, in November of 1987, we asked, me and Ronnie asked my mom if we could open, we were both staying with my mom at the time, we were both a year sober, and we opened my mom's house up in November of 87.
And we had about 13 people sit around her dining room table and we started going through this book, page by page, line by line. When it said pray, we prayed, when it said write, we write. And we started asking questions and, you know, we did it the way you do it early on, right? You get excited and stuff is new and stuff is interesting. The thing that I have to be careful of now is not to rob people of their experience and not to try to drag people where you are right now.
You know what I mean? Let people be where they are. I think that's some of the time why, you know, a guy like me, I can take the juice out of, you know, and some of that, why are you still sharing, no, no. I remember when it was so, you know, you don't drink, you don't get drunk, what? You remember the first time you heard somebody say something like that? And you would hear these statements and people would say, feelings are not facts, what?
You know, and just things that seem that, and I would be reading stuff in here, man,
[00:40:01]
I would be like blown away. Well, one of the things that happened is we would write, we did inventory, you know, as a group. Not as a group exercise, but every week when we'd come back, we would check on everybody. Where you at? You finish your first column? You finish your second column? You finish, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let my brother get in front of me, right? So, you know, I needed everything at my disposal.
And so, when I started going through this process, we got to amends, and it was a Saturday and we were going to meet on Sunday, and I didn't have an amends to report. So I say, I'm going to go do this amends to this guy, I know I owe him an amends and he's one I can find, and I owed him like $600 or something, and so I go to him, I don't have any money, I go see him that Saturday. I'm embarrassed, and I'm still full of some of what it is a guy like Ralph is full of, which is what I think you think about me.
I got to match myself up against the big boys. I can't come in here looking weak, I was not working, I'm doing a temp job. To be honest, the most I could have afforded to pay this guy was $25 probably a month. I could safely say that. I go in to shoot, I don't have a dime, I don't have a dime, and I sit with him and I tell him, you know, look, I know I owe you this money, I owe you this $600, I don't have anything right now, I'll pay you $300 in two weeks, and I'll pay you the other $300 next month.
Because I'm a big boy, I'm a big boy. You're not going to look at me like, and I'm new, I'm earnest, but I'm new, I'm unsupervised, I'm not running this by my sponsor, you know, I'm in a hurry to report back, you know, and so I do that, and I violate all of the rules and quotes of how to do this, right? I default on the first payment. I ain't got $300 in two weeks, so now some additional defects come up.
Now I'm dodging it. Now I'm back into that cycle. It had been a long time since I was dodging. Anybody else ever remember when, this was the old house phone, and you'd pick up the phone and disguise your voice, why are you disguising your voice to the creditor like they know you? He's not, you know what I'm saying? So now I'm coming out of amends, on amends. Learn some valuable lessons. Learn some valuable lessons about how to make amends, particularly financial amends.
First lesson. Well, the very first lesson prior to that, new friends. If we got any new people in here, we got anybody, any new people who haven't made amends yet that are interested in making amends, okay, let me holler at you guys for a minute. Let me talk to you for a minute. First thing, don't do this unsupervised. First thing, don't do it unsupervised. I might be well-intentioned, as I probably am, you know, but this is something that I don't want to play with because there are other people involved, and for my own benefit, you know, I can save myself a lot of heartache.
I can save myself, you know, from making further amends, trying to make amends. That's the first thing. Run it by your sponsor. This is a place where you really, and it's an opportunity to get closer with your sponsor. There are a couple of things over the years, you know, sponsorships, and that's a privilege that you don't want to miss. And over the years, sponsorship has developed, but there are some key periods where sponsorship can get accelerated.
The sponsor-sponsee relationship can get accelerated and can get cemented. One of them is in a fifth step. One of them is in a fifth step. Remarkable stuff takes place there. Another is in the amends process. You know, running these series of amends by sponsor, you know, and I've had some amazing experiences with some amends sponsees have made that have blown me away. I don't know that I would have had to, I don't know that I would have, I would have been able to do it.
You guys, you blow me away. But the first thing with financial amends, after you get advice from your sponsor, number one, when I'm going to do financial amends, show up with a good faith payment, even if Payment. Even if it's ten days, depends on how much the amenity is, but don't show up and be an empty handed. My man is sure to be more impressed with a demonstration than
[00:45:01]
he is with my talks of spiritual matters. So show up with a demonstration. Secondly, if I have a payment plan, show up with a payment plan I can live with. That's why when I get to the ninth step, it is so important to be connected to power. And when I get to the ninth step, I'm working with power tools. When I'm working in the third step, fourth step, fifth step, fourth step, some of that seems like manual labor. It's heavy lifted.
You know, it seems like I've got to provide a lot of the impetus myself. Now I realize that God is with me, but it's a lot writing. That's why when you do tenth step, which is the fourth step all over again, it's really quick because I'm working power tools. I'm connected to a power. And so when you do the ninth step, you've already tasted this power. I've already cleared away a lot of what's been blocking me, and I need to clear it away because I am the guy of what I'm trapped in what I think you think about me. So to come in there and be humble, oh my goodness, that is a critical element of, you know how they say there are a principle behind every one of the steps? Well, that's kind of a misnomer.
That's true, but it ain't the whole truth. Because there are principles that run through. The principle of humility runs through every one of our steps. It runs through every one of our steps. It's impossible for me to do that full of myself, any of our steps. It's impossible for me to do it full of me. And so when I get to nine, it is super important that this dude that I burned, and now I'm coming to see him, and I'm already worried about how he sees me. I'm already worried about he's pissed off at me. I'm already worried about he's got the upper hand on me. Fellas, the testosterone is already jumping off. Now I'm this weak little dude that ain't got but $20 to offer to you, and now you more man than me. All that's jumping. And the only thing that can counteract that for a guy like me, it better be a power bigger than me. And it better be something in it for me. That's why I had the promises read at the beginning of this. I know it is fashionable and it's probably true for all the other speakers, and for most speakers in Alcoholics Anonymous to talk about, you know, I'm not in this for any, but still, for your boy, you know, self-interest has got to be something in it. Got to be something in it, you know, for me.
And what's in it for me, if I'm painstaking about this phase of my development, I'm going to know a new freedom. I got a freedom the minute I stopped drinking. I got a freedom. I got a freedom when I came out of that fifth step, and I'm able to look my sponsor, who's a proxy for the rest of you guys, I'm able to look him in the eye. And he sees me. The rest of you guys don't know what he knows, but this is a human being looking at me, and I'm a secret keeper. And he's looking at me. And he's standing in for all you guys looking at me. And he hugs me. A new freedom. And now when I do these amends, I'm going to get a new one. A big one. A big boy one. When you come to this process of amends, you really need to come to the process of inventory. But when you come to the process of amends, I'm going to suggest bring your big boy pants and bring your big girl panties. It's for grown people who want something better. And who want something different. So I come with a payment plan. And I know it seems insignificant. I had to go back and see dude again. And I had to make amends for the premature amends I made. And it took everything. This time I ran it by my sponsor. And this time, because I got a crew. I'm not solitary, you guys.
That's how I get down. I got a crew. I got a sponsor. And I got some road dogs. And I got a community. Because in and of myself, I haven't always been 37. I was two. And I was three. And before that, I was six months. And I didn't have track record. The reason
[00:50:05]
why I wanted these promises to be read, it's indicative of why most of the time we say we believe our fellowship is, most of us at least, think it's spiritually inspired. Divinely inspired. Why do we say that? We say it's divinely inspired. Because much of what it is that we do should not even, much of our history shouldn't have taken place. The events that took place, they don't make sense. They defy everything that today, we say, Abby called on Bill when Bill was drinking. We do not recommend that for 12-step calls. You know, Abby called on him. And Bill had this W. light experience. And if I'd have been in the hospital having that experience, I'd have been like, that's a PCP flashback. And I wouldn't even, wouldn't be no AA. Wouldn't be no AA, you know. So a lot of stuff. And when Bill put pen to paper, he started putting pen to paper in 1938 or so. Late 37, 38. And when this book was published in 39, and he had these promises. Think about it. Think about it. These powerful promises. He was optimistic. He was speculative. He didn't have no business knowing these promises were true. How many people when he started writing this had a year's supply? He did. Dr. Bob did. You know, it was a group of ragtag drunks probably ranging, you know, anywhere from four months to, he, you know, when he was writing, he started when he had about two and a half, three years. He had no sample size. And he had no track record. And us, with the benefit of sample size and track record, said, you know what, Mr. Wilson? Spot on. As a result of me sitting down in front of my first wife, reporting back my first successful amends. I call it successful in the sense that I didn't flub it. I went in, said I need to sit down and talk to you. And the reason we need to make amends, new friends, sometimes I think, we think amends. I've had people run up to me over the years, I need to sit down and make amends to you. Okay, why? I used to sit down, you don't know what I used to think about you walking around with them. Made amends to people we had harmed. Your thoughts didn't really harm me, but if you want to sit down with me, okay. Anyway, when we talk about amends, why do we talk about this stuff being so important? And I didn't mean to make light of it, but I'm talking about tornado. I'm talking about a guy that went through a woman's life. She was my high school sweetheart. We got together, I was 19, she was 18. My college sweetheart. 19, she was 18. Bright future.
Got married. Had a daughter. Went through a bank account. We had saved up for our first house. I drained $10,000 in about 60 days. I had people come to the house, wrecked more than one occasion, with guns pointed at her, talking about, you need to get your money from your husband. She sat in front of the landlord almost every month by herself, because I wasn't going to see him. I don't know how many, and the other pieces that I didn't, and I'm just really scratching the surface. She was with me from 1972 to 1985. I was well across the line in about 1979. We got married in 1980. I tore through her life. I tore a new one, because when you're married to a guy like me, keep candles in the house, because we're going to always have the utilities cut off on a regular basis. When you're with a guy like me, make sure that on Christmas and on Thanksgiving, you got a ready excuse for your mama or my mama about why your husband is not with you again this year. If you go to your Christmas party at work, you're going to have another excuse about why your husband
[00:55:00]
didn't show up this year. At the parent-teacher conference, you're going to be by yourself, and that's the stuff I knew. We're not going to even talk about every payday. Talk about the alcoholic life seeming normal. I thought this was real, fellas, that my wife shouldn't expect to see me on payday. It was so ingrained in me. I don't show up. I got paid on Thursday. I show up on Sunday. Broke over and over and over and over and over. I'm a heartbreaker.
I squeezed the juice. All of it. Nothing left. Carcass. That's how I get down. That's tornado. New friends. Not the walking up to you. No, no, no. So I sat with her. I said, I need to talk to you. And things have been going kind of okay. We had a daughter together, and my daughter was two and a half when I got sober, but we had this minefield. If you say one word out of line, you don't know what's going to set her off. So we just really talked on the surface, and she was happy that I was sober, and Rain had her dad coming back.
And so I said, I need to talk. I said, well, if I don't talk to you, I might not get over it. Okay. I might go back to getting, oh, she sat down there. Okay. Okay. And when I got through talking, and I told her the things I had done in a general way. Didn't tell her I was with you girls in the motel on payday. Didn't tell her all that. Didn't need to go through all that. I wasn't the best husband. I wasn't the best. It's all that stuff. Right?
And so I go through it, and I say the things that I know I did, which I've just described to you guys, and then I say a couple of things that are not in our book, but are in our experience that we've shared with each other. Is there anything you need to tell me about what I've done and how I've harmed you that I don't know about? And the magic, what can I do to make it right? And she went, and the floodgates opened. From now on the talk, Ralph, you don't know what it's like. And see, that's the thing. That's the magic. I thought I knew all the harm I had done. I didn't know the harm of not coming home. I didn't know about the sleepless nights. I didn't know what it meant. She said, dude, I'm so happy for you, but it feels to me like, and I don't want you back, but it feels to me like I took all the B.S. and somebody else is going to reap the benefits. She said, I don't want to feel like this, but it feels like you're getting away scot-free, and I want to hurt you, but I don't want to hurt you, because I'm so happy that you, and she said, and I don't want to feel like that.
Oh, it was so much that I gleaned from that that I've been able to take in the sponsorship later. And because my first wife was a remarkable lady, and she was sharing some stuff with me that was eye-opening, right? And she shared it with me, and what could I do to make it right? And so my daughter was in private school, and I started being able, I was working, and I was paying for half the tuition, and I said, the minute I can do better, I'll do better. And one month, Mary called me and said, I'm short, can you pick it up? And I ended up paying for all tuition for the next couple of years. Mary moved to Sacramento, and it flipped. Instead of me having rain in the summers, I had rain, and Mary had her in the summers. And she's my best friend. My ex-wife and I, we're cool. We're cool in the gang. And fellas, remarkably, it was like a mind-sweeper. The minds were gone. I didn't have to walk on eggshells. It's interesting. I feel like I'm being attacked. Usually, if you say any, I am super sensitive to criticism, though I'm Mr. Critic. Oh, I can criticize in a minute, but I'm super sensitive to criticism, six and seven. You know, but it's amazing when I invited it. It didn't feel like criticism. When I invited, let it go. Let it go. I never knew how I would be able to make amends to my mom. My mom has six sons. Four of us are in the program right now. And we talk about it a lot in our community. People be, I don't know four of you, but these ladies got us beat.
But these ladies got us beat, me, Ronnie, Reggie, and Rob, we sober, they got four of them and three of them over 40 years, oh my God, that was remarkable to me, I feel you
[01:00:02]
know, but my mom has six sons, all of us were getting loaded together, and we didn't do it until we were grown, we got kicked out of our respective homes in 1985, all six of us ended up at my mama's house. Y'all laughed, she did not find it funny. My mother used to come home every single day with a bag of groceries, because if she kept any food in the refrigerator, these six grown leeches that she gave birth to would have been making plates and selling them. My mom had a nervous breakdown in that year of 1985, behind her boys, and we started coming new in 1986, and each one of us has a personal story of amends to mom, and when I hear my brother's stories about amends to mom, it tears me up, and I didn't know how I would make complete amends, because I gave my mom her first granddaughter in rain, and my mom was so, so my mom was doing a lot when I was in the life, man, for a short period it felt longer, because I was away, but so I got sober and couldn't put a money value on it, and how do you give back a broken heart, how do you, Al Green say how you mend it, how you fix a broken heart. In our book we talk about some amends can never be fully made, we would write them if we could. All of us have those kind of amends, the emotional ones, with the kids, and we do what we do, we walk, and so my mom, she is in love with Alcoholics Anonymous, as anybody in this room, and my mom is super, super religious, she recognizes the power in these rooms, so I'm doing amends, and sat down with her, and tried to make some money, and so a series of things happened, I went in my third valley in recovery, 22 years sober, and my wife at the time, me and her broke up, I'd had a 20-year mess, sober, and lost my money, went broke, lost my house, went and stayed at my boy's stranger's house for a year, and my mom went off to Memphis to take care of my aunt, she was dying of stage 4 cancer, and my mom asked me if I would watch her house while she was gone, and my mom was gone 14 months, and when my mom came home, I was getting ready to go, and was packing stuff, and getting ready, and she says, Ralph, can we talk? And ladies, that is still a very chilling line. Any man in here, you know, in a certain area, we kind of tighten up when you hear those, all the men, when I said it, you know, my mom said, Ralph, can we talk? Yeah, okay. So we sit down, and this is, gosh, I think I was about 27, 28 years sober, and we sit down, and my mom says, would you consider staying with me? Would I consider staying with her? In 1985 and 86, my mom changed locks. She had bars on her windows. We rigged one of the windows, and we could climb in, and through the power of the power, Alcoholics Anonymous, the power of this amends process, the power of putting into practice these principles in all my affairs, my mom saw something, and it's been me and my mom. It's been me and my mom.
And I didn't know that would be my assignment when I signed up for the duty October 11, 1986. You never know what'll come your way. You know, for our new friends, we're a strange society.
[01:05:11]
We're a very strange society. When my baby girl, my oldest daughter was born, and I wanted to be a dad, because my dad was an alcoholic, and I remember as a kid thinking, I'll never, ever, when I have kids, treat my kids like my dad did. And my dad didn't treat us bad. He just got put out, but I said, I'll always be there for my kids, and when my daughter was being born, we had a false alarm. I was at the hospital, had a false alarm. My wife went back to the hospital two days later, and she called me and said, okay, they're gonna induce, or they're gonna do a c-section. You need to get up here. And I wanted to get to the hospital, but me and Ronnie were at the house, and I took one. Do I need to say anything else? Because when I take one, I'm a real alcoholic, as described in the doctor's opinion. I can't control the amount that I've taken. And I missed the birth of my daughter. Why?
Because I drink, no matter what. I was on 90-day probation, working in my dream job, working in management, major utility company in the law department. Called me in, put me on probation, didn't fire me. Said, Ralph, if you're late one day on this 90-day probation, don't bother coming back. First payday, which was Thursday, I'm in a motel Friday morning. I had taken one, couldn't make it to work. Why? Because I drink, no matter what. My granddaddy died in 1985. He's my guy. I was my guy, and I wanted to be at the funeral for my granddaddy with everything in me. But again, Ronnie is the culprit in a lot of my stories. Me and Ronnie were somewhere, couldn't make it. Why? Because I drink, no matter what.
Some years later, IRS came after me for $80,000. I don't drink, no matter what. Lost my marriage to 20 years in front of everybody. I don't drink, no matter what. Had a sponsee. Daughter was killed by a drunk driver 16 years old, and I saw her. She didn't drink, no matter what. Cliff just got up here and said he became an orphan in Alcoholics Anonymous. Mama, daddy, brother, he did not drink, no matter what. We are a society of people, new friends, who drink, no matter what, who do not drink, no matter what.
Wow. Wow. Wow. And the do not drink, no matter what, is not our program of recovery. It is the result of having a program of recovery. It becomes an anthem as a result of having a program of recovery. I was on 90-day probation, working in my dream job, working in management, major utility company in the law department. Called me in, put me on probation, didn't fire me. Said, Ralph, if you're late one day on this 90-day probation, don't bother coming back. First payday, which was Thursday, I'm in a motel Friday morning. I had taken one, couldn't make it to work. Why?
Because I drink, no matter what. My granddaddy died in 1985. He's my guy. I was my guy. And I wanted to be at the funeral for my granddaddy with everything in me. But again, Ronnie is the culprit in a lot of my stories. Me and Ronnie were somewhere, couldn't make it. Why? Because I drink, no matter what.
[01:10:10]
Some years later, the IRS came after me for $80,000. I don't drink, no matter what. Lost my marriage to 20 years in front of everybody. I don't drink, no matter what. Had a spondylicide. Daughter was killed by a drunk driver, 16 years old, and I saw her. She didn't drink, no matter what. Cliff just got up here and said he became an orphan in Alcoholics Anonymous. Mama, daddy, brother. He did not drink, no matter what.
We are a society of people, new friends, who drink no matter what, who do not drink, no matter what. Son. My older brother, on behalf of all my brothers, says, bro, I got a guy over here, he says, Spons, make it a name for yourself in an anonymous program. But the name I keep in front of all them names, allow me to have those names. My name is Ralph W.. I am an alcoholic.