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Source: Pat O – Kentucky State Convention (2022) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: pat-o-kentucky-state-convention-2022-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:08:41
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Thanks, buddy. Good evening. My name is Pat. I'm an alcoholic. Grateful to be sober, grateful to be here. I want to thank David for asking me to participate in my recovery two years ago. And then he said, it ain't happening. And then I got so excited. It came up my calendar. I was like, are we doing it? He's like, yep. Well, I think so. And then we had another bump in the road. Right. I was, I don't know. And I'm glad to be here. You know, I don't know about you. When COVID happened, I got scared and I locked myself in the bedroom and well, in the house. Well, I guess they told us we had to. So I was there and I went shopping. Right. I had to get, you know, two months worth of things. I tried to get the toilet paper, but Jared got it, you know, and yeah, I mean, I was terrified, you know what I mean? I was like, oh my God, I got enough art supplies for like two years, you know what I mean? Me and my son, you're going to do art, you know, and, uh, you know, and then, uh, and, uh, over time, you know what I mean? And what happened was I have, I have a, I have a friend of mine, Justin, and his son was born without functioning kidneys.
And, uh, me and my son, we, we ventured out of the house, you know, to get some food or something. And, and, uh, there was Justin and Justin had Shiloh with him. And, and I was like, man, aren't you like terrified? Like, you know what I mean? Take your kid out, you know what I mean? And we were still scared and we didn't know. Right. And, uh, he said his whole life, since he was a kid, we've had to take risks and we've had to take chances in his life. And he said, meeting you as a risk and a chance we're worth doing, you know? And in that moment, man, one more time I was connected to God, you know, one more time, like I realized, right? Like I'm willing to take this risk to be with you guys, to be with God. And I thank you. It's an honor and a privilege to be asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, my sobriety dates, October 23rd, 2002. I don't know the script, so I'm not going to say it. I mean, I tried, you know what I mean? And I finally said, well, anyways, you know, I'm not going to go there. And you know, some of the things that fly out, I mean, like, I wish I wouldn't have said that, you know? And, uh, but I have a sponsor. His name is Mike Sokio and I have a home group and my home group is the South Coast Speakers Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet on a Wednesday night at 730 in Laguna Beach. If you're ever in the area, please come see us. We'd love to have you. We used to have donuts, you know, but there was a group conscious, you know what I mean? And anyways, we don't have donuts anymore. We have coffee and we'd love to have you, you know? And the first meeting of my home group was in February 6th, 1946. I wasn't there, but some old guys were, you know? And I love my home group, right? If you don't love your home group, get a commitment, you know? And I have a commitment there. I have sponsees there and I love my home group, you know what I mean? I remember going to my first home, my first meeting, 31 days. That was my first day at the Sally, the Salvation Army. Anyone been down at the Salvation Army? You're blacked out period of 30 days. 31 days, I show up and I was met by a man outside the meeting by the name of John Ackerlin. And man, I love John Ackerlin. I'll never forget the softness of that man's hand. I walked up and he put his hand out and he said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, kid. And he said, come with me and he took me in. He took me to the back of the room where the coffee and the donuts were back then. He gave me a half a cup of coffee, which in my head, I'm thinking, man, you're selfish, dude, you know what I mean? Like half a cup, you know what I'm saying?
And then he gave me a half a donut. And I'm like, man, this guy's cheap, you know? And then the donut was stale. And I'm thinking these things. I'm not saying any of them, right? Because I'm a people pleaser, you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to, I want you to like me. I'm willing to do whatever it is I think you want me to do in order for you to like me, right? And so John's all, come with me. I'm like, all right. And I'm thinking, where are you going with this guy? And he sat me in the second row. It's a 250 person speaker meeting back then at the time, stand in room only, you know what I mean?
And he put me in the second row. And these old guys like Tommy Whalen and Lynn Wilder, right? And Frank O'Rourke and Johnny Cream, these guys had 40 plus years. And they sat me in the second row in the middle. And I was like vibrating, you know what I mean? And they're like, yeah, back in World War I, I was drinking, you know what I mean? And they're all, oh yeah, World War I, you know, remember that one time? And I'm sitting there thinking, this is lame, you know what I mean? I'm 27, dude is vibrating out of my chair,
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you know what I mean? And the meeting started and I got up to go, you know, I don't know, back there in slippers row or wherever, you know? And John said to me, he's like, no, you're sitting here, kid. I'm thinking, I don't want to, but okay, you know? And the meeting started and I'm like vibrating, you know what I mean? And John put his hand on my leg. He's like, don't forget to breathe, kid. And I go, oh, yeah. And this girl got up to go to the bathroom and I'm like, ding, a squirrel, you know? And he grabbed me. He's like, you need to sit down, kid. You know, I said, I got to go to the bathroom. He said, we don't go to the bathroom during the meeting. I said, when do we go? He said, you, we go before and after, but it's disrespectful to get up when the person's up there at the podium talking. And all right, you know? And the speaker meeting ended, you know, and he's like, I want you to go thank the speaker. I was like, why? I didn't even like him. Why am I going to thank him, you know? He's like, well, he drove all the way from LA. It took him three hours to get here, you know, 28 miles, you know? And he said, go thank him for driving from LA. You know, I'm standing in the speaker line, you know, and man, it felt like three and a half hours. I mean, I'm thinking I'm sitting here longer than he drove, you know? And it was about 20 minutes.
Maybe I'm off thinking about me and I got up there. I'm like, thanks for driving from LA. I think Dave told me it's 2,200 miles from the Pacific. Is that right? It was a long flight. So I'll see you after the meeting, you know? And you know, I mean, the next week what happened, man? I showed up and I wanted John to like me. And I went straight to the back where John was with the coffee and the donuts. Hi, John, you know? And he said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, kid. Come with me. And he sat me in the second row amongst the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And the leader came over and she said, I want you to read the 12 traditions. I'm thinking, I don't want to read, you know? And he said, no, he's not. He's not reading tonight. I got resentful, you know what I mean? I mean, I didn't want to read, but I got resentful anyways, you know what I mean? And he said to me, he said, he's not dressed appropriately to be behind the podium. He said, if you want to be of service and get behind the podium, kid, I want you in a collared shirt next week. I wanted John to like me. So guess what? I went and got a collared shirt and I showed up to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went in the back and I said, hi, John. He said, here's a cup of coffee and here's a half a donut. Come with me to the second row. And he sat me down there and I heard the war stories of World War I again, you know? And then the leader even asked me to read. I caught another resentment, you know what I'm saying? But I'll never forget that man's unconditional love for me. He didn't care where I had been, where I had come from. If I was an addict, if I was an alcoholic, he just welcomed me into Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope that I can carry that same compassion that that old man carried to me on October, right around October 23rd, 2002, you know, and I'll be forever grateful for the old timers and Alcoholics Anonymous who continue to show up and blaze a path for a man like me to follow. And I respect that you continue to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to welcome our new friends to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Those that had the courage right on our day one are, man, blessings to you for showing up to Alcoholics Anonymous and allowing us to practice our primary purpose here in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know? And if you're new, I hope that you find a little bit of what I found. And, you know, I'm forever and grateful for the tapers, you know what I mean? I'm going to give a little plug for the tapers, you know what I mean? You know, they talked about carrying the history. And I came in here tonight and I went right up to my friend and I said, I said, do you happen to have a talk of my mom? Right? And he said, absolutely. And he went and got a CD of my mom. Now, I haven't listened to my mom since she passed away, which I'll get into, you know what I mean? But I got that CD and it was right before my mom went on life support before her 40th AA birthday, you know? And that history is important to me. And, I mean, this history is not going to be that important, but, you know, but it meant something to me, you know? And, you know, I want to thank Darren because he talked for 43 minutes, so he gave me seven minutes of his time, you know? And so, it'll be 57 minutes tonight, Dave, you know what I mean? But he set the bar high for me, right? I mean, listen to that, I'm thinking, how am I going to follow that lead, you know? And, man, I just, I love Alcoholics Nomists. I really do. You know, my first Alcoholics Nomist meeting, I was 11 months old. You know, I kind of burned it already, but I didn't have a drinking problem, but my mom did, you know? My mom
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was being sentenced to prison for 10 years, right? Or go to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you guys, some of you are thinking, who's his mom, right? And she was someone that talked about getting 12 DUIs, right? And then assaulting the police officer, right? She was going to prison for 10 years. My mom's also a blackout drinker, which means I'll never know who my dad is, you know what I mean? I mean, for all I know, my dad could be the cable guy.
Mom didn't even know she was pregnant until she was in labor, which is, you know, interesting, you know? She thought she was constipated, so she called 911, right? I guess that's what you do when you're constipated, you call 911. And in her apartment, she gave birth, and she came out of a blackout, and the paramedic was holding me, and she's like, you need to name him. She's like, name what, you know? And my mom's name is Patty, so she named me Patrick so she wouldn't forget my name, you know? Before my mom died, my mom used to always say, she'd send me a text, and she'd say, Patrick, make sure you tell them the truth.
The truth is, I'm supposed to be a turd, you know? And, uh, man, if you're new, man, the promise of the 12 steps is I went from turd to human, you know? And I thank Justin for telling me to make sure you tell them the truth. I sat down, I felt my mom's spirit come right into this room tonight, right in. I saw my mom dancing around this room. I took a deep breath, and I said, thank you for being with me, right? The 10th step talks about the promise that I love. One of the promises I love the most, it says, by this time we have entered the world of the spirit. Man, and I could feel the spirit today. And, uh, but growing up in Alcoholics Anonymous was kind of weird. I mean, look around the room, you know? Your Uncle Glenn is going to be your basketball coach, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? A lot of uncles around here. I could recite chapter five. I could recite the 12 traditions. At the end of the meeting, I held hands. I was like, keep coming back, you know? The old-timers told me, we're saving this seat right here for you, kid, you know? I had no idea. I was in an AA meeting every night of my life, like the little one back there. Thanks for bringing the kids to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is a family disease, and we recover together. I'm grateful that the women in Alcoholics Anonymous, they weren't so concerned about a closed meeting that they didn't let my mom and me in so that she could recover.
Man, on October 5th, 1975, she brought me in, just like that little one back there. And the women in AA grabbed me, and they took me out to the side so that my mom could come in and recover. And I love the women in AA. Man, you guys gave me brownies and Rice Krispie treats and coloring books and new toys and new clothes and took me on vacation. I still love you, you know what I mean? But back then, I loved you too, you know? And I'll tell you what, knowledge has nothing to do with this disease. Every night of the week, my mom and the women in AA would take the newcomer, and they'd take her to Denny's. And every night, I'd fall asleep at Denny's. And they'd keep the newcomer in the middle, and they'd smoke cigarettes and drink coffee, and they'd let her go at 2.15 in the morning. My mom would take me home. And sometimes, my mom would bring a woman home, and she would detox on her couch. I'd watch a woman die of this disease in my mom's living room, you know? The love that I feel in this room tonight was the love that I was raised with. I didn't know that I had a disease of perception. I didn't know that my perception to life was skewed, right? The best way to describe myself as a kid, I'm like the little kid in elementary school that smells like poopy pants and syrup, you know what I mean? I'm like awkward and weird. My hair is like, you know what I mean? And I'm a bed wetter.
Any other bed wetters here? Yeah, good day. One guy is going to admit it, you know what I'm saying? You see these half hands going, you know. But if you're a bed wetter, you know what I'm talking about? You get invited over for a sleepover. And I'm terrified, you know what I mean? Everyone goes to bed, and I'm like, don't go to sleep. I wake up in the morning, and I peed my friend's couch, you know? And I'm like flipping the cushion over, you know what I mean? Man, and that shame and that guilt, right? I know shame as a little kid. I remember sitting outside my bedroom window, only child, looking outside the bedroom window, wondering if my dad was ever coming home.
And the cars would come down the street, and I'd Coming home, and the cars would come down the street, and I'd watch it, think the car's
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coming in, right? Oh, my dad, my dad, my dad. And the car would take another turn and go a different way. And as a little kid, I built this belief system that if my dad didn't love me, no one is going to love me. I'm a right fielder on the baseball team, any other right fielders here? One person way back there, you know what I'm saying, right? We all know it's the loser position, you know what I'm saying?
You know what I mean? Like the neighborhood sports, there's Cheyenne and Darren, and Darren, I'll take this guy, I'll take that guy, you know, all the way down, there's two of us left. And Cheyenne goes, I guess I'll take Pat. I probably would have been diagnosed with ADD, I mean, it would have been good, all the pellets they dish out, but I never got sent to a doctor. I'm in right field, and somebody told me that if I found that thing with the white things, I could blow all those off, I could have a wish.
A dandelion, I think it's called, or something. I'm in left field looking for the dandelion, wishing for a different life, you know what I mean? I mean, the coach is yelling at me, the other side of the field, kid, I'm like, oh, okay. I'm like the strikeout kid, you know what I'm saying? Keep your eye on the ball, kid, strikeout. One time I was on second base, you know how I got there, I was absolutely terrified.
I mean, the obsession was real, I mean, I didn't know if I had the right jersey on, did I wear the belt, did I have the right cleats on, did I have the sock, kid, cracked the line drive, and I ran back to first base. It was like a triple play in the wrong direction, man, and little poopy pants back to the dugout. You know, man, that ain't funny, bro, you know? As I'm walking in the dugout, all my friends are running out to their position with their mitts, you know, loser, failure.
Man, you're no good, why even do this game anyways, you know? And now none of them said that, but that was the voice in my head long before I ever took my first drink. Loser, failure, you're no good. Now nobody was telling me that, the love that I feel in this room was the love that I was raised with. But I remember looking at my mom and she was in the stands, clapping. So proud of her kid, and not proud he's got a triple play in the wrong direction, my mom was proud because it took me an hour to get out of that stupid car to go to that stupid field to play that stupid game one more time.
And my mom was proud that I had enough courage to get out of that car to go play one more time. And I remember looking at my mom and I said that day, if I only had a dad, that it'd never happen. Now I was building a belief system that was going to separate me from you and I had no idea. I didn't know that that old idea almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous, which I'll get into, you know what I mean?
But I didn't know that was what was going on, you know? Man, if you're new, you're thinking, what does any of this have anything to do with anything? I just can't stop drinking, you know? It has absolutely everything to do with this next story. When I took my first drink of alcohol, I was nine years old. I was at an AA meeting of all places. I was with my friends that were 14. I was nine. Now every night, man, we would ding-dong ditch the neighborhood, we'd hit the same neighbor's house.
That guy would chase after us and we'd run inside the AA meeting and hide amongst you guys and that guy would go, where are them damn kids, you know? People in AA were like, there's no kids here, you know? And he taught us all how to con and manipulate, you know what I'm saying? We always messed with him. Now I know he's a chronic newcomer. I kind of feel bad now, but we'd always mess with him. He had a long trench coat on, he had an eye patch on, he smoked cigarettes and he stood outside the meeting and he was pissed, you know what I mean?
He'd go, come with me, kids. And we'd go. He'd get this little board, he'd nail these nails in there and he'd put them behind the old-timer's tire and he'd go, I wonder how much right he'd have now, you know? Man, a lot of characters in AA. Look around, you know what I'm saying? There's one right there, you know? But man, we were at the hospital, Laguna Beach Hospital, man, we were messing around like we always did, ran outside the front door, ran, and I didn't know I was going to drink alcohol.
I mean, we ran up the third, it was between the third and the fourth story of the parking structure and those kids pulled out a bottle of Jose Cuervo. Now I didn't know what alcohol was going to do to me or for me, but I knew if I didn't drink it, those kids weren't going to like me. Bottle came around, I took a pull off that bottle, I absolutely hated the taste. It was disgusting, man, tequila's gross, you know?
And I spit it out and I was overcome with fear. And what that fear told me was that I wasn't going to be like the rest of my life. The bottle went around the second time and the second time I got that bottle, I was excited about having it. Now, the excitement wasn't that I was going to get drunk, the excitement was that little poopy pants might have some friends. I took a pull off that bottle and I talked myself into holding it down and I didn't get drunk that night, but I can tell you the exact effect that alcohol has on this alcoholic body in that moment, all that fear went away.
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In that moment, I connected with those kids. In that moment, I felt a part of, right? And it was hard to get booze at mom's, I mean, she went to AA, couldn't steal booze at mom's, you know? Even a little harder to stand the liquor store, are you buying me beer, you know, at nine, you know? But 11 years old, this kid handed me a joint, you know what I'm saying? And I was like, man, I didn't know about the singleness of purpose, you know what I mean?
I was like, you know what I mean? Dude, I didn't even know I was going to AA, man, I took a big hit off that weed, man, this little elf chased me around the park, man. I hallucinated for like two hours, you know? And I was sitting there thinking back, I'm like, man, all them adults lied to me. They told me that if I smoked weed, bad things were going to happen, and absolutely nothing bad happened to me.
I had a new group of friends, right? What happens for me is that alcohol connects me to you, you know? And what happens for me, man, is by the time I was in high school, I was drinking every day, just about every day, smoking weed every day. I was listening to Eazy-E, and NWA, and Ice Cube, and I grew up in the suburbs of Orange County. No gang members there until I got there, you know what I'm saying?
You know, I mean, I had like size 50 Dickies pulled all the way up, and I had a 5XL sweatshirt on, you know what I mean? I walked with a limp, you know what I'm saying? Man, I drank St. Ives of a brown paper bag, you know what I mean? Man, I was even pouring beer in the curb for the dead homies, you know what I'm saying? I didn't have any dead homies, I was getting ready for some, you know what I'm saying?
My mom would go speak in Kentucky, and I'd have a party at her house all weekend, you know? Man, I came out of a blackout one time, peeing all over my mom's fish tank, you know? My good AA mom would go to Idaho to speak for the weekend, I'd steal her truck. Man, absolute train wreck, you know? And I'm the director of the show, I don't know if there's any of that, I'm terrified, I'm poopy pants, right?
You put alcohol in me, gang member, terrified. Absolutely terrified, right? You know what I'm saying? And my friends one night were like, man, we're hungry, and I was like, I got a great idea. They're like, what? I'm like, let's call Domino's Pizza, and Luke, you're gonna grab the pizza, Justin, you're gonna hand them leaves for the money, and they just take off running. They're like, that's a great idea, I was like, yeah, good luck, guys, you know?
We called Domino's Pizza, Luke grabbed the money, Justin handed them the leaves, well, Lance went with them with my stun gun and decided to stun the pizza man. The pizza man went down, you know what I'm saying? Man, we ate the pizza, you know, smoked the weed, drank the beer, nothing bad happened, you know, until the next day. And I show up to school, and I get the call slip to go see the principal, and you know the call slip.
You go up to the principal's office, like, man, you got such potential. You just pie yourself, you do good things in life, you know what I mean? I hear loser, failure, and I think I'm going to get the potential talk, and there's two sheriffs and a detective, and they want to know about this strong arm robbery case, you know? I'm like, what do you mean strong, well, they're like, yeah, we got the stun gun, and your fingerprints are on it, you know what I mean?
And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking, now, I don't want to be a snitch, right? The truth is, I'm terrified, I want you to like me, so I take the fall for my friends, right? I do six months in juvenile hall at 16 years old, and then six months on house arrest for a crime I didn't even commit, because your approval of me is more important than my freedom, the bondage of self. Man, I was on house arrest, and my little gang came to see me, and they brought me a St. Ives, you know?
They brought me a joint, and they brought me some needle and thread and some ink, and they're like, you got to give yourself a tattoo for your crazy life. So I tattooed three dots on me from Evita Loca, and they were healing, and I was talking to myself, I'm like, you've never even been in a fight. So I plucked one of the dots off, and now I have two dots, you know? And I tell you this because I want you to know the true character behind the podium, absolutely terrified, right?
Scared of the world, scared of everything. Your opinion and approval of me is more important to me. You put alcohol into my body, man, and all of a sudden I think I'm a gang member. It gives me power. It gives me courage. It gives me the ability to live life. And my mom says to me, she finds a bag of weed, she's like, you can't smoke weed in my house. And I don't know how you hear that, but I hear I need to hide it better, you know?
Because stopping isn't an option at this point. Now, I don't know what alcoholism is, right? I don't know that I don't have the power to stop, right? But what happens is, is my living situation, alcohol is more important than my living situation. It tells me, hide it better. My mom is my hero, right? My mom is my best friend. I made a promise, I'm never going to do drinking, I'm never going to do drugs, mom.
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I promise, and I meant the promise, I signed the pledge when the D.A.R.E. program came, right? You got the little red band. I meant the pledge. So I hid it better for a month, and then my mom comes home, and I have to ring the doorbell because the top lock is locked, and she's standing there with a bag of weed in her hand, and she's like, you're kicked out. At 17 years old, I walked in my bedroom, I packed my bag, and I walked by my mom, and I looked her right in the eyes, and I said, I'm going to do everything I can to ruin your life.
And I watched my mom's heart break right in that moment. And I don't know how you deal with shame and guilt, but this alcoholic arrogance came out, and I puffed my chest, I ground my mom by the collar, I slammed her against the wall, F you, I hate you, you're never going to see me again. Alcohol told me that I was kicked out of the house. What my mom said to me that night, she said, you can stay here and be sober, or go out on the streets and get loaded, but you need to make a choice.
And alcohol made the choice for me to leave. Alcohol made the choice for me to put my hands on my mom. But it wasn't my fault, it was my mom's fault for kicking me out. And I left that night, and I went to an abandoned house where I was getting loaded at, and I took my first hit of crack cocaine at 17 years old. Now I've already identified my alcoholism as it relates to alcohol at 17. The disease of alcoholism is progressive, and it progressed just like that for me, and I didn't call my mom for a year and a half, because I was going to make her pay for that decision.
And I had gotten up to San Francisco, and the first call that my mom got that I was bleeding out, and I needed to go to the hospital. And I said, I need help, but I don't know what to do. And she said, well, I don't know how to help you. I'm in Orange County, and you're in San Francisco. I said, I don't know how I'm going to pay for the hospital bill. And she said, well, just give me the address, and I'll send them a check.
And I said, oh, no, no, mom, they need cash. She said, well, I don't know how I'm going to get, you know, I don't know how I'm going to do it. I said, mom, there's a thing called Western Union. It's two blocks away from the treatment center you're the program director of. Now my mom was so terrified she was going to get the call that her son bled out. She went down to that little Western Union, and she wired me the money just like that.
Five minutes later, I got that $150. A week later, guess what happened to Clumsy? He got another accident. And I called my mom, collect, at the treatment center. She answered, and I said, mom, I got another accident. She goes, I know what to do. And she wired me $150 just like that. And the next week, I got in another accident, and she wired me the money just like that. And for the next eight years, my mom would wire me $150 at least minimum once a week.
And you know, my mom put me in the YMCA when I was a kid. I was a counselor. I became a counselor in training. I was a counselor. I became a boys unit director. I was the assistant director, full-blown alcoholic drug addict. And I would pull it together for a period of time, and I'd get a job, right? And I'd be back to take a drink, and I'm back on the streets. And I'd pull it together, and I'd get a job.
And when I was 25 years old, I got a job as an assistant director at an after-school YMCA program in San Francisco. And I was so proud, right? I was like, man, you did it. You're pulling it through, right? And I had an idea. And that idea said it's all right to take a drink. And I called a friend. And that friend delivered me some things to that elementary school. And I went into the bathroom in the stall, and I nodded out.
And that director found me in that stall and nodded out. And she pulled me out of that stall, and she said, you're fired. And I called my mom, and I was absolutely broken. The only good thing in my life where I could pull it together was gone. I called my mom, and I said, Mom, I need help. And I said, I need to go to treatment. And my mom said, OK. And she took me to Betty Ford Treatment Center, the best treatment center in the world, right?
And I went to Betty Ford, and I didn't really have a problem with treatment. Well, I had one problem with treatment. I wasn't allowed to fraternize. I didn't even know what that meant. They're like, you can't talk to the girls, and the girls can't talk to you. I don't know how that impacts you, but I need to go to a different treatment center. This isn't going to work, you know? My mom hung up on me.
She said, you're going to stay there. Now, I'm a rule follower, right? Well, I'm a people pleaser. I'm a rule follower for, like, three days. And I'm in the infirmary, you know what I mean? I'm sitting there waiting for my meds, and all of a sudden, something inside of me said, turn around. And I turned around, and there she was. And we caught eyes. Man, all of a sudden, I was falling in love, man.
We were married, and we had a little yellow house, white picket fence, all in, like, three and a half seconds, you know what I mean? And I knew she loved me as much as I loved her, and I'm a rule follower, right? So I wrote her a note. I'm a rule follower, right, so I wrote her a note, and I gave her a note, and at five o'clock she gave me a note, the next day I gave her a note, and what happened was we
[00:30:03]
fell in love through passing notes. Now, I could recite the Twelve Steps, my counselor Mark said, you got to do a first step, I said, Mark, I'm powerless over drugs and alcohol, sir, my life's unmanageable. He's like, man, you're getting it quick, you know, I'm like, yeah. I got the pom-poms out for recovery, I'm like, hey, you want to do a book study, you know, I got everyone doing book studies, you know, I mean, oh, recovery's great, because it's easy to be, you know, be in love and be great, recovery's great when you're in love.
Man, and one day I went to go get that note from that girl, got my shirt off, I was like, yeah, what's up, you know, recovery, you know, and she didn't give me a note. Now, I don't know what it's like for you when you're not loved, but I'm like suicidal, you know what I mean. I mean, I'm like, I'm going to kill myself, you know what I mean, and I went to my room to kill myself, you know, they're like, what about the book study, I'm like, screw the book study, I'm over it, you know.
Now, this looks like bipolar, right, it also looks like untreated alcoholism, you know, and I'm like, three days, man, and they did a little intervention on me, they're like, you need to go to group, okay. And there she was, and she had a note, and all of a sudden, the clouds parted, I was like, oh, man, I was like, oh, my God, recovery's great, let's do that book study, bro, you know what I mean, and I ran back to my counselor, Mark's office, I said, Mark, I've come to believe there's a power greater than myself that's going to restore me to sanity, you know, and I truly believed it was God, I had no idea it was that note, you know.
And Mark called me in his office, like, Pat, you got to do a nine-month program, you know, I was like, what, I thought you said I was doing a good job, he's like, yeah, you got to do a nine-month program, so I wrote my God a note, I'm like, oh, my God, I got to do a nine-month program, you know, and she wrote me a note back, and on the top of the page, all capital letters highlighted, I have to do a nine-month program, too, and I was like, holy cow, this is that God's will that Mark's talking about, you know what I mean, I was like, we have the same sobriety date, we went to the same treatment center, I have to do a nine-month program, she has to do, man, I ran back to Mark, I was like, Mark, I'm making a decision to turn my will and life over to the power of her as I understand God, you know, and he's like, where do you want to go to sober living, I was like, one minute, where do you want to go to sober living, you know, she's like, let's go to Hawaii, I'm like, oh, my God, romance, too, you know, I said, I'd like to go to Hawaii, he's like, great, I got released from treatment, and I got on the plane, and the flight attendant asked me what I wanted to drink, well, I wasn't an alcoholic, even though I identified my alcoholism at 17 already, for you guys that are, like, real serious, you know, but I was like, I wasn't an alcoholic, I was a heroin addict, and so I ordered a Heineken, because that's what you do, to go be in sober living, to be with your sober girlfriend, to live a happy sober life, you order a Heineken, well, 12 or 13 Heinekens later, I landed in Hawaii, right, now, if you're new, it's the first drink that gets you drunk, wrap your head around that one, the first drink that gets, I was like, man, old guy, you got to drink through that, you know, but what happened was, was I stood there that day, and I thought about it, right, bar, sober living, bar, sober living, I'm like, man, I'll go to sober living tomorrow, not knowing that alcohol was making the choice for me, right, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, to live by spiritual principles or die an alcoholic death, this isn't an easy choice for us, and I walked in the bar, and I ordered another drink, now, my mom found Al-Anon, well, I think she found it before, but she started to kind of practice it, because I would call my mom, and I'd go, mom, I need money, and she would say, no, I was like, what, she's like, no's a full sentence, you know, I'm like, oh, my God, and she's like, if you want the money, you need to go to an AA meeting, right, and so I was like, okay, I'll go to an AA meeting, right, and so I go to the AA meeting, and they're like, are there any newcomers, I'm like, yeah, I'm a newcomer, right, oh, yeah, a newcomer, and they point to me, and I'm like, my name is Pat, and I'm an addict, oh, dude, don't do that in AA, you know what I mean, everyone turns, there's an addict in our room, let's get him out of here, you know what I mean, he's gonna infest AA, you know what I mean, and I'm like, and I go out the door, and I slam the door, because I want the old guy to know how pissed off I am, you know, and no one ever follows me out of the room and goes, hey, kid, here's a big book, why don't you take this home or to your bush or wherever you're living, you know, and read in there, maybe you can identify with alcoholism,
[00:35:03]
right, like, I didn't know what alcoholism was, right, like, I was just like, I came here, right, God guided my mom to guide me here, and I came here, and I went out there, and I died, and I'd come back to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I wouldn't identify if when they asked for newcomers, because I didn't want the judgment from Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'd go out there, and I'd die, and I came back one time, and I'd hear some things, and I heard some things, and they asked for newcomers, and I could get down with now, I was like, okay, my name is Pat, I'm an alcoholic and an addict, oh, my God, put two dollars in the basket, ha, ha, ha, you know, some are sicker than others, you know, I'm like, and I leave AA, and I slam the door, because I want you to know how pissed off I am, and no one ever followed me out, ha, my name is Bob, you want to go to Polly's Pies, they'll tell you my story, you know what I mean, and I go out there, and I die, and I came to, in a bathtub, blood come every hole in my body, and full of shame, and full of guilt, there was no towel, there was no clothes, I knew I had to go down the hallway of shame, I went down the hallway, there was three dudes on a couch, I had no clue who they were, there was some clothes that looked like mine, and I put them on, it was two o'clock in the afternoon, and I walked outside in the liquor store, light was the brightest light I've ever seen, liquor, liquor, and I knew that if I could get a pint of tequila, everything would be all right, and I reached my hands in my pockets to see if I had any money, and I pulled out this guy's number from AA, and I called him, and I said, man, I don't know what's going on, man, but I need help, and he said, can you promise me not to drink, it's going to take me 20 minutes to get there, can you promise me not to drink, and I made a promise one more time, now I made a promise every day I came to Alcoholics Nominous to drink, and I drank every time, and I made that promise, and I meant the promise, and I said I promise, and I walked in that liquor store, and I got a pint of tequila, and I blacked out, man, and I came to, I came to on the north shore of Hawaii at an AA camp out, and I was our new friend, less than 24 hours, old timer guy, 44 years, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I came out of a blackout at the countdown, and I wanted to punch that old guy in the throat, man, this little old lady came up to me and said, hi, she said, come with me, kid, and I'm thinking, you're not what I'm looking for, but okay, and I followed her up, man, she's like, you're going to serve ice cream at the ice cream social, and I'm thinking, no, I'm not, she gave me a little spoon, and you guys came from AA, and the ice cream's going everywhere, you know, and she's like, I got a better job for you, and she gave me a trash bag, and she said, you just do what I do, and she walked, and I followed her, and she picked up a piece of trash, and she put it in her bag, and I grabbed a piece of trash, and I put it in my bag, and for the next 30 minutes, we cleaned up that camp, and I sat on this little stoop with her, and she said, how do you feel, kid, and for the first time in my life, I didn't think about drinking, and I didn't think about killing myself, but if service was enough, I'd have never picked back up, that guy dropped me off at that same liquor store, he picked me up, I walked in, I got a pint of tequila, and I was drunk just like that, and I called my mom, and I said, mom, I need help, and she said, I can't help you anymore, I said, I just need to get back to the mainland, and my mom got me a flight back to Los Angeles, I got to Los Angeles, I went straight downtown to 6th and Los Angeles, if you're not familiar with where that is, that's Skid Row in downtown LA, and right before I got sober, I hadn't showered in six months, I was up for 21 days on some high-powered accelerants, I had two shoes, only one out of soul, I saw the devil and his troops wherever I went, the only thing I knew what to do, man, I had this stolen beach cruiser, I had these sticks, I twined them together like a cross, and I stuck them on the handlebars of my bike, I was like, when I have to push a shopping cart, then I'll get sober, you know what I mean, my boy Cory had a shopping cart, I put my stuff in his cart, man, and I cruised around, he's got the problem, not me, now I got sober on the 23rd of October 2002, on the 20th of October 2002, I came to sexually assaulted as a straight man by a gay man for the 12th time.
With that shame and that guilt, with that remorse and that terrifying fear, the voice
[00:40:02]
of the self-hate when I was a little kid, right, the actions that I was aligning myself with were aligning with that self-hate. And suicide wasn't an option. I had been trying to kill myself and couldn't kill myself. But I knew that if I got a pint of tequila, everything would be all right. Alcohol never lied to me, it gave me exactly what I needed. And I went into that liquor store and I got a pint of tequila, man, and I sat on the wall and I put half that thing back. And the terror went away, and the fear went away. I got that sense of ease and comfort that the big book of alcoholics and non-mus talks about. And all of a sudden I had a conversation with myself that said, man, you overshot the mark.
This time it's going to be different. This time you're going to get a job. This time you're going to go back to school. This time it's going to be okay. I put back that second half of that bottle and I blacked out for three more days. And I came to three days later on October 23rd, 2002, prostituting myself one more day. I had that shame and I had that guilt and I had that fear and I had that loneliness. But what happened for me was I had a spiritual defense that walked right in between me and that first thought.
And it said, call your mom and ask for help. And I picked up the phone, I called my mom and I said, mom, I need help. And my mom said, I can't help you anymore. She said, just stay right where you are and someone from Alcoholics Nomis will come and get you. She said, if I come and get you, I'm going to end up killing you. And she hung up on me. And my mom called every high-profile old-timer to help her kid. She wanted the best of the best to help her kid in our area. And none of them answered. But the guy that answered, my mom would say it to the biggest goof in Alcoholics Nomis, answer the phone. And that guy, right before he picked up the phone from my mom, he got a phone call from his doctor that told him that he had four-stage cancer and he had six months to live. And the next call that he got was from my mom saying, I need help with my son. And he didn't say, have the kid call me. If he's willing, he'll call. My willingness was to my mom. And that guy said, what's the address? I'll go get him. And he got the address. And he went and grabbed a new guy because he knew he needed a new guy to do a 12-step call. And they got to that motel and they barged in the front door. And the guy's, my name's Jack. I'm an alcoholic. He had crazy hair. And I was vibrating. And this other guy was on a walker. He's like, my name's John. I got 90 days sober. You know what I mean? We got the big book. And my mind started going, right? Main problem, the alcoholic center's in the mind. Man, it starts saying things like, man, these guys don't have what you want. They don't even know what you've been through. They don't know. Wah, separating myself from you. I need to separate myself from you. If I let you in, you're going to hurt me like everyone else has hurt me in my life. And I know that the grace of God entered my life that day because that guy, Jack, said, come with me, kid. And I got off the bed and I followed that guy out of that motel. And he said, just get in the van. And if you're new, just get in the car. And I got in the van and they told me their stories. And I didn't identify with their stories, man. He's like, oh, man, I drink and I go to the hospital. And John was like, oh, me too, dude. I drink and I go to the hospital. And Jack's like, ha, ha, ha, yeah, me too.
I drink and I go to the hospital. I'm like, oh, my God. All they did was talk about themselves for like 30 minutes. I was like, man, aren't they going to let me talk, you know? And before he knew it, I ended up at Charlie Street, right? I think it was, what was it, Charlie Street? It's in Costa Mesa. It's a low-bottom indigent detox, 10 days for free. Jack saw the wheels going. Jack saw me separating from the message of Alcoholics Nomads. And he knew.
He said, hey, Pete, come on over. I got this new guy, Pat. And Pete came over and Pete was tattooed from head to toe. And Jack goes, hey, Pete, when you drink, what happens to you? And Pete goes, man, I go to jail. I said, oh, Pete, yeah, me too. I go to jail too. Pete said, really, what happens? I said, oh, man, this one time, man, I drank and I went to jail. And Pete said, oh, yeah, me too, bro, you know? Next thing you know, Pete grabbed Fred and Fred grabbed Joe and Joe grabbed Bob. And pretty soon, there was like five or six of us, man, drinking and going to jail. High five. Drinking in jail, go high five. Yeah, we go to jail, you know? And Jack came swindling on in. He said, Pat, when you're in jail, what happens? I go, well, I go to jail. And my mom comes and sees me. I promise my mom I'm not going to drink. I mean the promise, right? AA comes, H&I, if you do hospitals and institutions, keep doing it. Because you gave me hope that if I ever got out, I'd go sit with you in your meetings, man. And I would go to church trying to find something, man. I need help. I know I need something, man. This time's it. He said, really, what happens? I said, I don't know, about an hour before I get out, you know, I get sick. Oh, Joe, I roll it up.
Before I get out, you know, I get to say, oh chill, I roll it up, I give all the homies the commissary. I'm sitting there, man, and all of a sudden I have a conversation with myself.
[00:45:00]
Conversation with yourself? What happens? Well, it always, I say, I don't, Pete, I don't know, but man, I'm sitting there and I'm like, you know what, Pat, crack cocaine's your problem. You could drink. And I get out of jail and I get a 12-pack of beer and I drink one beer. Shame, guilt, remorse goes away in the middle of the second beer, I wonder what they're doing down the street. I take a walk down the street, I meet a new friend, before you know it, we're business partners, you know?
He said, what happened? I said, I don't know, I ended up back in jail. Pete goes, oh yeah, me too, I ended up in jail too, you know, and he said, but what happened that time? I said, I don't know, man, I have my mom, I make the promise, H&I, I go to church. One time I even, they said, hey, if you want to turn life over to Jesus, come on up to the front. Everybody's on their knees. The power of God, I felt, lift my belt buckle off, man.
I was up there, I was down there doing the deal, you know what I mean? I was doing it, you know? I meant it. Ochoa rolled up, gave the homies a commissary down there, he said, what happened, man? I said, I just have a conversation with myself. Well, the conversation says, you know what, Pat, alcohol's not your problem. Don't do heroin, you'll be all right. So I get out of jail, I drink, get the 12-pack, call for a ride, drink a beer, the middle of the second one, I wonder what they're doing down the street.
Take a walk down the street, I meet a friend, now we're in a motel solving the world's problems for like seven days. And you know seven days, it gets weird. All of a sudden, I'm butt naked, you know what I mean? And I'm paranoid, you know? And I hear something, I open the front door, you know, and I'm arrested. He said, butt naked? I was like, yeah, butt naked. And the guy's like, oh, me too. Man, I'm starting to connect.
I'm starting to identify, right? That shame goes away, I'm not feeling so alone. And Pete looked at me and he said, Jack looked at me and he said, kid, if you can identify, if you can admit to both propositions, physical, that when you put alcohol into your body, you can't stop, you can end up in jail. And more importantly, with a sober mind, your sober mind is driving you back to the thing that's going to kill you.
He said, you might be alcoholic. And I am so glad he said might because he left me with me. He was armed with facts about himself. He was armed with facts about this big book. He laid it out for me and my alcoholism identified with his alcoholism. And in that moment, I looked at him and I started to cry and I said, Jack, I said, I'm alcoholic. And the guy lit up like a chandelier, he's like, I got a new guy, you know what I mean?
And I was like, whoa, he's like, I'll be your sponsor, you know what I mean? And I'm like, no, you're not, okay, people pleaser, you know? He's like, I'm going to give you two directions. The first thing I want you to do is I want you to take a shower and I'm thinking, how did he know? And the second thing is I want you to read the big book. And I went to my little room and I read the big book, you know, and Bill Wilson and ticket tape and, you know, stockbroker, is that a guy at the grocery store stocking the shelves?
But I took my first right action. Then I went downstairs and I turned the water on to take a shower and I fell down on the ground and I started to cry. And it felt like hours I was down there, absolutely 100% broken on the floor crying. And that guy Jack came in, that detox floor, and he got on that dirty floor with me. And he held me down there and he rubbed my shoulder, he said, kid, it's going to be all right, kid, it's going to be all right, kid, it's going to be all right.
And something inside of me shifted, man, I turned and looked at that guy and he looked at me right in the eyes and he said, I love you, kid. I gained a little bit of trust for another human being. He said, I want you to stand up and I stood up and he said, I want you to take off your shirt and I took off my shirt. He said, I want you to take one step in the shower. He walked me in the shower. That guy was halfway in the shower with me and I was terrified, just shaking violently.
And that guy took a washcloth and he took a bar of soap and the man scrubbed my back. And for the first time in my life, 27 years old, I felt love from another human being. That same unconditional love that I felt when I got picked up at the airport, the same unconditional love when I met my new family, the same unconditional love when I saw old friends, the same unconditional love that I felt when I walked in here was the unconditional love that I felt on day one.
It was like a hook that pulled me right into the sink called Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, there's some clothes on the bed, kid. I'll be downstairs waiting for you. And I went in there and he had thrown away my old clothes and there was brand new clothes on that bed. And I put them brand new clothes on. I'll never forget the feeling of those brand new socks.
[00:50:01]
He allowed me to have the only bit of dignity and pride that I had left in my life. It was this big. And I remember walking downstairs with that sense of pride, that sense of feeling okay. And he looked at me and he said, kid, do you believe in God? I said, absolutely not. I said, if they're going to be selling literature, I'm done, you know? And I said, I'm not a God guy. I'm not a religion guy. I'm not all anything about that.
I'm not down for that. And he looked at me and he started to talk about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by him going through there. When he walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding, he had joy for her. He talked about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous allowing him to have happiness when he saw his grandson hit the baseball. He talked about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous allowing him to fit in his earth suit.
And I was like, how do you know about the earth suit? And I came to believe in AA. I came to believe that if I did what you do, I could have the things that you had. And so I made a decision to do what that guy Jack told me to do. Day one, man, I was writing inventory. It was the kind of, Charlie Shrew was the kind of place, sit down, shut up, you know, we don't want what you have. If you want what we have, you'll do what we do, you know?
Okay, I'll do what you do, you know? And sorry if I look at the time, oh, jeez, I'm in trouble. I'm going to go over. Ninety days sober, man, I made amends to my mom, my good AA mom. I said, man, how am I going to do this? He said, just go make the amends. I sit down with my mom. I go, mom, remember that one time I told you that I got in the accident, I had to go to the hospital? I said, I lied. She goes, I know.
I said, remember that one time I told you, she goes, I know you lied. I go, hey, mom, remember that? She goes, just stop. She goes, I know that every time you asked for money, you lied. I was like, really? I thought I was slick, dog. I said, then why did you give me the money? So she said, when you left at 17, you broke my heart. And I sat up every night waiting for the call that you bled out and that I was going to have to identify the body.
And she said that I thought that if I gave you the money, it would keep you alive long enough until you could get to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so that those good folks can help you. The harm wasn't that I lied to my mom. The harm was that I robbed my mom of her security day in and day out. And I looked at her. I said, mom, what can I do to make it? And she said, all I want you to do is get in the program, the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, and help as many people as you can.
And I started to cry. And I told my mom I loved her, and I told her she was my hero, and she was my best friend. And for the first time in my life, I felt love for my mom. And I ran back to my sponsor. I was like, man, this AA thing's amazing. I said, me and my mom love each other, man. The healing's happening. He said, yeah, but what about the money? I said, she didn't want the money. She just wanted me to get in the middle of AA and help people, you know?
He said, yeah, but AA wants you to pay it back. I said, I owe her $100,000. How am I going to? He's like, $25? Oh, my god. He called me son. He said, son, I want you to write a note that says, mom, I love you, and I appreciate you didn't leave her $25 once a week. So I realized, right, I'm willing to take this risk to be with you guys to be with God. And I thank you. It's an honor and a privilege to be asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous.
My sobriety date's October 23, 2002. I don't know the script, so I'm not going to say it. I tried. I finally said, well, anyways, I'm not going to go there. Some of the things that fly out, I'm like, I wish I wouldn't have said that. But I have a sponsor. His name is Mike Socio. And I have a home group. And my home group's the South Coast Speakers Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet on a Wednesday night at 730 in Laguna Beach.
If you're ever in the area, please come see us. We'd love to have you. We used to have donuts, you know. But there was a group conscious, you know what I mean? Anyways, we don't have donuts anymore. We have coffee, and we'd love to have you. And the first meeting of my home group was in February 6, 1946. I wasn't there, but some old guys were, you know.
[00:55:04]
And I love my home group, right? If you don't love your home group, get a commitment, you know. I have a commitment there. I have sponsees there. And I love my home group, you know what I mean? I remember going to my first home, my first meeting, 31 days. That was my first day. I had the Sally. I had the Salvation Army. Anyone been down in the Salvation Army in your blacked out period of 30 days? 31 days, I show up, and I was met by a man outside the meeting by the name of John Ackerlin.
And man, I love John Ackerlin. I'll never forget the softness of that man's hand. I walked up, and he put his hand out, and he said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, kid. And he said, come with me. And he took me in. He took me to the back of the room where the coffee and the donuts were back then. He gave me a half a cup of coffee, which in my head, I'm thinking, man, you're selfish, dude. You know what I mean?
Like, half a cup? You know what I'm saying? And then he gave me half a donut. And I'm like, man, this guy's cheap, you know? And then the donut was stale. And I'm thinking these things. I'm not saying any of them, right? Because I'm a people pleaser. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to. I want you to like me. I'm willing to do whatever it is I think you want me to do in order for you to like me, right?
And so John's all, come with me. I'm like, all right. And I'm thinking, where are you going with this guy? And he sat me in the second row. It's a 250-person speaker meeting back then at the time, stand-in room only. You know what I mean? And he put me in the second row. And these old guys like Tommy Whelan and Lynn Wilder, right? And Frank O'Rourke and Johnny Crean, these guys had 40-plus years. And they sat me in the second row in the middle.
And I was like vibrating, you know what I mean? And they're like, yeah, back in World War I, I was drinking, you know what I mean? And they're all, oh, yeah, World War I, you know, remember that one time? And I'm sitting there thinking, this is lame, you know what I mean? I'm 27. Dude is vibrating out of my chair, you know what I mean? And the meeting started, and I got up to go, you know, I don't know, back there in Slipper's Row or wherever, you know?
And John said to me, he's like, no, you're sitting here, kid. I'm thinking, I don't want to, but okay, you know? And the meeting started, and I'm like vibrating, you know what I mean? And John put his hand on my leg. He's like, don't forget to breathe, kid, you know, like, oh, yeah. This girl got up to go to the bathroom, and I'm like, ding, a squirrel, you know? And he grabbed me, he's like, you need to sit down, kid, you know?
I said, I got to go to the bathroom. He said, we don't go to the bathroom during the meeting. I said, when do we go? He said, we go before and after, but it's disrespectful to get up when the person's up there at the podium talking, and all right, you know? And the speaker meeting ended, you know, and he's like, I want you to go thank the speaker. I was like, why? I didn't even like him. Why am I going to thank him, you know?
He's like, well, he drove all the way from L.A. It took him three hours to get here, you know, 28 miles, you know? And he said, go thank him for driving from L.A. You know, I'm standing in the speaker line, you know, and man, it felt like three and a half hours. I mean, I'm thinking, I'm sitting here longer than he drove, you know? And it was about 20 minutes, but I'm all thinking about me, and I got up there, I'm like, thanks for driving from L.A.
I think Dave told me it's 2,200 miles from the Pacific. Is that right? See, it was a long flight, so I'll see you after the meeting, you know? And you know, I mean, the next week, what happened, man? I showed up, and I wanted John to like me, and I went straight to the back where John was with the coffee and the donuts, hi, John, you know? And he said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, kid, come with me, and he sat me in the second row amongst the old-timers in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And the leader came over, and she said, oh, I want you to read the 12 Traditions. I'm thinking, I don't want to read, you know? And he said, no, he's not reading tonight, and I got resentful, you know what I mean? I mean, I didn't want to read, but I got resentful anyways, you know what I mean? And he said to me, he said, he's not dressed appropriately to be behind the podium. He said, if you want to be of service and get behind the podium, kid, I want you in a collared shirt next week.
I wanted John to like me, so guess what? I went and got a collared shirt, and I showed up to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I went in the back, and I said, hi, John. He said, here's a cup of coffee, and here's a half a donut. Come with me to the second row, and he sat me down there, and I heard the war stories of World War I again, you know? And then the leader even asked me to read another resentment, you know what I'm saying?
But I'll never forget that man's unconditional love for me. He didn't care where I had been, where I had come from. If I was an addict, if I was an alcoholic, he just welcomed me into Alcoholics Anonymous. He Just Welcomed Me into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I hope that I can carry that same compassion that that old man carried to me on October, right around October 23, 2002, you know, and I'll be forever grateful for the old timers and Alcoholics Anonymous who continue to show
[01:00:03]
up and blaze a path for a man like me to follow, and I respect that you continue to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I want to welcome our new friends to Alcoholics Anonymous, those that had the courage, right, on our day one are, man, blessings to you for showing up to Alcoholics Anonymous and allowing us to practice our primary purpose here in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and if you're new, I hope that you find a little bit of what I found and, you know, I'm forever grateful for the tapers, you know what I mean, I'm going to give a little plug for the tapers, you know what I mean, you know, they talked about carrying the history, and I came in here tonight and I went right up to my friend and I said, I said, do you happen to have a talk of my mom, right, and he said, absolutely, and he went and got a CD of my mom, now I haven't listened to my mom since she passed away, which I'll get into, you know what I mean, but I got that CD and it was right before my mom went on life support before her 40th AA birthday, you know, and that history is important to me, and, I mean, this history is not going to be that important, but, you know, and, you know, but it meant something to me, you know, and, you know, I want to thank Darren because he talked for 43 minutes, so he gave me 7 minutes of his time, you know, and so it will be 57 minutes tonight, Dave, you know what I mean, but he set the bar high for me, right, I mean, listen to that, I'm thinking, how am I going to follow that lead, you know, and, man, I just, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, I really do, you know, my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I was 11 months old, you know, I kind of burned it already, but I didn't have a drinking problem, but my mom did, you know, my mom was being sentenced to prison for 10 years, right, or go to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you guys, some of you are thinking, who's his mom, right, and she was someone that talked about getting 12 DUIs, right, and then assaulting the police officer, right, she was going to prison for 10 years, my mom's also a blackout drinker, which means I'll never know who my dad is, you know what I mean, I mean, for all I know, my dad could be the cable guy, you know, mom didn't even know she was pregnant until she was in labor, which is, you know, interesting, you know, she thought she was constipated, so she called 911, right, I guess that's what you do when you're constipated, you call 911, and in her apartment, she gave birth, and she came out of a blackout, and the paramedic was holding me, and she's like, you need to name him, she's like, name what, you know, and my mom's name is Patty, so she named me Patrick, so she wouldn't forget my name, you know, before my mom died, my mom used to always say, she'd send me a text, and she'd say, Patrick, make sure you tell him the truth, the truth is, I'm supposed to be a turd, you know, and, oh, man, man, if you're new, man, the promise of the 12 steps is I went from turd to human, you know, and I thank Justin for telling me to make sure you tell him the truth, I sat down, I felt my mom's spirit come right into this room tonight, right in, I saw my mom dancing around this room, I took a deep breath, and I said, thank you for being with me, right, the 10th step talks about the promise that I love, one of the promises I love the most, it says, by this time, we have entered the world of the spirit, man, and I could feel the spirit today, but growing up in Alcoholics Anonymous was kind of weird, I mean, look around the room, you know, your Uncle Glenn is going to be your basketball coach, you know what I mean, you know what I mean, a lot of uncles around here, I could recite chapter 5, I could recite the 12 traditions, at the end of the meeting, I held hands, I was like, keep coming back, you know, the old timers told me, we're saving this seat right here for you, kid, you know, I had no idea, I was in an AA meeting every night of my life, like the little one back there, thanks for bringing the kids to Alcoholics Anonymous, this is a family disease, and we recover together, I'm grateful that the women in Alcoholics Anonymous, they weren't so concerned about a closed meeting that they didn't let my mom and me in, so that she could recover, man, on October 5th, 1975, she brought me
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in, just like that little one back there, and the women in AA grabbed me and they took me out to the side so that my mom could come in and recover, and I love the women in AA, man, you guys gave me brownies and Rice Krispie treats and coloring books and new toys and new clothes and took me on vacation, I still love you, you know what I mean, but back then I loved you too, you know, and I'll tell you what, knowledge has nothing to do with this disease, every night of the week, my mom and the women in AA would take the newcomer and they'd take her to Denny's, and every night I'd fall asleep at Denny's, and they'd keep the newcomer in the middle and they'd smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and they'd let her go at 2.15 in the morning, my mom would take me home, and sometimes my mom would bring a woman home and she would detox on her couch, I'd watch a woman die of this disease in my mom's living room, you know, the love that I feel in this room tonight was the love that I was raised with, I didn't know that I had a disease of perception, I didn't know that my perception to life was skewed, right, the best way to describe myself as a kid, I'm like the little kid in elementary school that smells like poopy pants and syrup, you know what I mean, I'm like awkward and weird, my hair's like, you know what I mean, and I'm a bed wetter, any other bed wetters here?
Yeah, good, hey, one guy's gonna admit it, you know what I'm saying, another, you see these half hands going, you know, but if you're a bed wetter, you know what I'm talking about, you know, you get invited over for a sleepover, man, and I'm terrified, you know what I mean, and everyone goes to bed, and I'm like, don't go to sleep, you know what I mean, I wake up in the morning and I pee in my friend's couch, you know, and I'm like flipping the cushion over, you know what I mean, man, and that shame and that guilt, right, I know shame as a little kid, I remember sitting outside my bedroom window, only child, looking outside the bedroom window wondering if my dad was ever coming home, and the cars would come down the street, and I'd think the car's coming in, right, oh, my dad, my dad, my dad, and the car would take another turn and go a different way, and as a little kid, I built this belief system that if my dad didn't love me, no one was gonna love me, I'm a right fielder on the baseball team, any other right fielders here?
One person, way back there, you know what I'm saying, right, we all know it's the loser position, you know what I'm saying, you know what I mean, it's like the neighborhood sports, there's Cheyenne and Darren and Darren, I'll take this guy, I'll take that guy, you know, all the way down, there's two of us left, and Cheyenne goes, I guess I'll take Pat, I probably would have been diagnosed with ADD, I mean, it'd have been good, all the pellets they dish out, but I never got sent to a doctor, you know what I mean, I'm in right field, and somebody told me that if I found that thing with the white things, I could blow all those off, I could have a wish, now, a dandelion, I think it's called, I'm in left field, looking for the dandelion, wishing for a different life, you know what I mean, I mean, the coach is yelling at me, the other side of the field, kid, I'm like, oh, okay, you know, right, I'm like the strikeout kid, you know what I'm saying, keep your eye on the ball, kid, strikeout, you know what I mean, one time I was on second base, I don't even know how I got there, I was absolutely terrified, I mean, the obsession was real, I mean, I didn't know if I had the right jersey on, did I wear the belt, did I have the right cleats on, did I have the sock, kid, cracked the line driving, I ran back to first base, I mean, it was like a triple play in the wrong direction, man, little poopy pants back to the dugout, you know, oh, man, that ain't funny, bro, you know, and as I'm walking in the dugout, all my friends are running out to the