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Source: Mike K. & Lynn W – AA and Alateen Family Program – DAAR Palm Springs CA (1983) – 1983-06-04.mp3 File: mike-k-and-lynn-w-aa-and-alateen-family-program-daar-palm-springs-ca-1983-1983-06-04.mp3 Duration: 01:12:38
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The next speaker on our family program here today is a gentleman, a young gentleman, who I've come to know, to respect, and I have a lot of feelings for. And the program that this gentleman is in is Alateen, and that's where I got my start, and I'll always be an Alateen at heart. Mike has a fantastic message to share with you. I give you Mike Kay from Temple City. Mike. Hello, my name's Mike. I'm a grateful member of Alateen. I don't know how I can try to even keep up with a story like Lois's. It's a great honor for me to be up here.
I started Alateen six and a half years ago, and I had heard the name Lois mentioned a few times, and I knew who Bill was. And I was lucky enough to have been brought into a program of Alateen through a hospital that my alcoholic, who had been drinking for many, many years, had gone into. And I was told that there's a place for young people to go. And this program that I was introduced to when I was about 14 years old was different. It was different than all the other things that I had been in.
I was brought up in a, not a very religious home, but a Catholic home, and I was always told to go to school and be the best kid you could. And I was brought up in Boy Scouts and had a lot of, a fairly good moral background behind me. But there's still something wrong in our home, not like everybody else's. We weren't like the Brady Bunch or the Nelsons. There's a lot of turmoil and there's a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of anger and resentment.
And it had happened that when I had gotten into this program and through a wonderful lady named Carol, who I consider almost like a mother, I don't see her, I haven't seen her in a long time, but I consider her as like a birth into a new life. I walked into this program and there's a lot of people there, a lot of kids and a lot of cute girls. And I walked in there and said hello to a few people and sat down and listened for a little bit. And got started into a program that started to bring into a new life.
It took me about two and a half years to really understand what Alateen was. My mom and dad, my mom had gone through the hospital and continued to drink after she had gotten out of the hospital. I was in 8th grade at the time that I had started into Alateen. I thought everything was going to be great once she got out and was going to be sober and I thought life was going to be just like the Nelsons and just like the Brady Bunch once she got out. Boy was I in for a big mistake or a big awakening.
The sobriety was wonderful for the time that we had it. And when she started to drink, somebody was there. The whole family was really upset because my mom had started drinking again and we didn't know what to do. But I had some place to go to and I had some place to really let that out. I couldn't let that out at school. I couldn't let that out at Boy Scouts either. They didn't understand. The people accepted me for how I was and for how my family was. My father had gone into Al-Anon and he didn't like it because there were too many women there. He couldn't relate then it seemed like to me.
I kept going and I just kept going. I kept trying to learn a little bit more and a little bit more. Well, after my mom had gotten out of that one hospital, this is about two months after she had gotten out of the hospital and after she had started drinking again, she tried for a desperate cry for help and she tried to commit suicide.
[00:05:00]
And when you're in 8th grade, Mrs. Brady wasn't doing that. And that was very hard for me to understand. And I'll never forget this for as long as I live. I think this is one of the main reasons why I came back, why I stayed with Allotine. I had gone to the hospital and talked to my mom that night and she said that she was going to try to get better. And I said, I hope so. I went to an Allotine meeting that night and I was really torn up. I was a torn up little boy.
I walked into the meeting and I started to cry. And at that time there was a gentleman that was on leave from the Marine Corps. A guy that stood about, seemed like 6'8 to me, weighed about 250 and with a crew cut and walked up and gave me a hug. Now, nobody had done that. I had two brothers that never hugged me, never said they loved me. The way that they showed love was a good sock on the arm or a good, you know, getting flattened out.
But when that guy walked up and gave me a big hug, which I needed so desperately, and he said, things are going to be okay. They're okay now. Wouldn't be here if they weren't. I had somebody to thank, you know, and I had somebody really big to thank. And that's when, about a month later, I'd gone to a convention, the Southern California Allotine Convention. And then I really realized that there's even more love to be had because then I saw a whole bunch of guys hugging other guys and I was always brought up to think that was a little bit weird.
And so I started to give a little bit of love back. And it helped me out. It helped me out so much. And I continued to come back and you guys, you know, I started to meet more people and started to go to a few more Allotine functions. And started to meet all the crazy people that I'm hanging around with now. And when you get into a program like this, it doesn't seem like you can ever get yourself out because there's these people that are like glue and they stick to you.
I decided that after I'd gone into a private school that my father told me I was going to be going to, I decided in my third year I was going to be too smart for everybody else and I knew what Allotine meant and I decided that I didn't need Allotine anymore and I was going to run things on my own. I soon found out what powerless meant. I decided that I was going to be kind of the party kid at the school and I went out and I got into some trouble. My first semester, my third year of high school, I averaged about, I think my grade point average was around a .8 which was, you know, they didn't accept me on the honor roll that year.
And the following summer I decided to go to Newport Beach for a while and decided what the beach life was like. A little bit different. And when I had reached the bottom of being kind of a, you know, a mess up, there's some Allotines that gave me a call and told me to get back to a meeting. And I went back and I started to go back again. I've been there ever since. I try to hit as many meetings as I can now.
This program has just brought in so many things into my life, so many different opportunities. It got me through school. I soon found out that there was a higher power because I don't know how I got back into that school after that third year. That school was very important to me after I realized, you know, what I had done. And Allotine had changed my attitude. Just right before this meeting we'd had breakfast and it was really neat. I'm glad Keith asked me to go to it.
And I just happened to pick up a piece of literature and it's the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Allotine. And it says something about here about changing our attitudes. And if I could I'd like to read just a couple paragraphs because it's really important to me because this thing did change my attitude. One person looks at life and sees beauty, friendship, goodness, and warmth. Another looks at life and sees ugliness, loneliness, problems, and hopelessness. What makes a difference? Attitudes. Our attitudes determine whether we will be happy, sad, uncomfortable, or at ease. Resentful or understanding. Angry or serene. Love or hateful. Mature or immature. Whole or incomplete.
[00:10:17]
Right there my attitude had changed. My attitude had changed about my family, about my mother. I had a big resentment towards my mother for the times that she had showed up to a few of my school functions a little bit different. I had grown to resent my father for sending me to a school that I didn't want to. I had to change my attitude because I had to live with that man for a few years. I'm still living with him.
And I found out that, you know, when you're living with somebody and you don't get along something's got to change. And although I can't change my father, I can change mine. And that's the most important thing right now is to change the way I think about my father. If he's in a bad mood it doesn't mean that I have to follow his actions and be in a bad mood or cause an argument with him. And with that our whole family has changed so much. My mother's still drinking right now. And it's hard for me to come home from work and see that. But you know, she's going to get better. That's all I can hope for.
This program has given me so much hope. When things are just getting down to the point where you just feel like crying, I found out that it's okay for a guy to cry. You know, and you people gave that to me. All my Alateen friends gave that to me. It's okay to cry and to sob a little bit. Well, I feel that this program, through the tools that it's given me, has brought a lot of different things. A lot of craziness, I'm telling you.
I, you know, before my family, I have two sisters and two older brothers and I'm the youngest. And when my sisters decided to get married, they, well, let me put it this way, both of them are alcoholics. Both of my sisters are alcoholics. So they decided to marry some more sickness and marry two other alcoholics. It's so wonderful, though. You know, it's so neat walking into a family and have a bunch of, you know, really crazy people around you. And to go out and feel like you can talk program. When I was, my first four years of Alateen, there was nobody that was in the program and I really couldn't share it with anybody else.
The family then was like, I mean, everybody was battling with each other and everybody was fighting and that was the sickness that had been brought into our family by the disease of alcoholism. Everybody couldn't, you know, they just were so uptight about everything that we couldn't get along with each other. My brothers and sisters are getting along now. I'm getting along with my brothers and sisters. I realize that I love them very, very much. My sister was going to come down here and unfortunately she couldn't make it, but it would have been nice for me to spend the weekend with my sister. But we didn't do that before. We didn't, you know, our idea of spending the weekend with each other was to, you know, kind of battle it out.
And it would be nice to spend some time with somebody that you love very, very much. One of my brothers moved up to Reno and now it's, you know, it's okay for me to, you know, give him a call and, you know, if I'm hurting to talk to him. Now see, like I said before, that situation would never happen. The way our family worked was that when my brother got yelled at by my parents, he would yell at my oldest sister, my sister would yell at my other sister, my sister would yell at my brother, my brother would probably hit me.
And I had nobody to take it out on but the dog. He bit me a few times. Now if that is, you know, like, I mean, that is real sickness. That is a real sick family. It's not that way anymore. We have something that we can share with each other. And now I found another family. I found the family of AA, Al-Anon, and Al-Ateen. When a bunch of us go and we take off and we go to have some fun, we have fun without having to go out and, you know, and try to prove something to one another.
[00:15:08]
About two months ago I had the great honor of speaking at a convention, an Alateen convention in Texas. We took a trip down to, two other people that are in Al-Anon, took a trip down to Texas. It's the same down there. They talk a little bit funny, but… They taught me how to say y'all. And now, the program down there is just the same as it is up here. We have a bunch of kids coming out, well, a bunch, four, maybe five kids coming from Houston and Austin and all around there coming out to a convention in July.
And that's what's neat. It's a family that I've grown up with now. And I can't shake it. There's just no way I'll be able to leave it. And I don't want to now. I have too many people that I love dearly. I work with, another thing is I work with a bunch of alcoholics now. And one guy that I love dearly, he's a sober member of AA for more than 20, 23, 25 years. You know, and it's kind of neat to be able to talk to somebody like that, you know, and to be able to blow other people's minds when we're talking, you know, and they don't know what we're talking about.
I don't know if he's here or not, but… We were talking about the convention and a lot of guys just kind of ran and looked, you know, like, you know, what are you guys going to? And I, you know, and it's kind of neat to say, we're going down to have some fun. Now I don't have to, you know, I don't have to go out and go out and get drunk or anything like that to have fun. It's a lot of, you know, that is what is one of the biggest things to me right now, is to have fun and to enjoy myself.
Alateen, this is going to be probably one of the last times that I'm going to be speaking as an Alateen. I'm going to be turning 21 in July. And, you know, it's hard for me right now because I've had to grow up. And Alateen has been there to help me grow up. I have matured, although some people don't think so. I feel that my growth inside of me has grown a lot. Just that feeling inside that I can, that, you know, I'm going to be able to do things on my own and I'm not going to have to worry about anything.
Just that feeling inside that I can, that, you know, I'm going to be able to do things on my own and I'm not going to have to hold on to, you know, hold on to a bunch of other things except for my Al-anon program. I go to Al-anon now and it's neat. It's neat for me to do that. I thought that Al-anon was a bunch of old ladies that sat around and haggled about their, you know, husbands or whatever. And then I walked into an Alateen meeting where we were upstairs in Alateen and I started going to the downstairs meeting, the Al-anon meeting.
And this one lady, I just love her, she goes, I knew this boy when he was this big, you know. But you want to know something? When I have something to say, she listens. You know, that little kid has something to say. And that's neat for me. That is really neat. But like I said, this is going to be probably one of the last times that I speak as an Alateen. And it's kind of, it's neat in one way but then it hurts in another because I'm growing up and I'm going to be venturing on a little bit further.
And now the people that I hang around with are the people that I associate with all the time. Almost all of them are in the program. There's not too many people that I don't associate in the program with. Alateen and Al-anon has brought on a few financial hardships to me. I've soon found out that from Pasadena area to Santa Monica is quite a ways but I try to make that as many times a night as I can.
My poor car's got around 113,000 miles on it and it's only a 78. And a lot of them are all Alateen trips. And that's what I try to go to as often as I can. I try to make as many Alateen trips as I can. Because I need you. And I need to share myself with you. And I need to hear people like Lois. Who, you know, without her, I'm telling you, a lot of people would be a little bit worse off than they are right now.
[00:20:04]
I know I'd be a heck of a lot worse off. And now I'm a better person. And that's how I have, I'm just better. I've probably repeated that many times right now but I'm a better person than what I was. And I think that's getting down to about time. I wanted to thank the committee for letting me speak. It has been a great honor. I don't know if I did very well behind Lois because it's kind of a tough story to, you know, to tell.
Thank you so very much. And I hope to see y'all, y'all later. Thank you, Mike, for sharing with us. And all I can say is welcome to Al-Anon. Remember, there's no gain without some pain. But we're ready and willing to help you. Our next speaker today is another gentleman who I've come to know over the years of my time in the program. And he has literally watched me grow up. And as I was sitting there for a moment thinking about some of the times and some of the growing experiences that we've had, I have a feeling that I've also helped watch him grow up, too, a little bit.
And he has given me a lot over the years and sharing and caring at different conferences and conventions and meetings where we run into one another and other times that I've seen him. I know that you will thoroughly enjoy our AA speaker, Lynn W. from Newport Beach. I'm Lynn W.. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm delighted to be here this morning sober through the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's a real privilege for me to participate in this family meeting. There was a knock on our door at a quarter of nine this morning, and our entire family were still in bed. And Pam said, Lynn, it's Johnny. And it was my good friend Johnny. And he said, Lynn, Herb hadn't shown up, and we want you dressed. I'm grateful to Johnny, to my dear friend Elsie Fay, to the committee for this real privilege.
Thank God for Bill W., Bob S., and Lois W., and Ann S. and Ann B. for giving us what we all have today. This roundup is the single most important event each year in my sobriety, and it has been for 18 years. Because I was brought here three months sober 18 years ago by two men, and I didn't want to be here. And they allowed me to sleep on the floor, and I was terrified and didn't come out of the room.
And I had no clothes. I had no bathing suit. And there were too many people. And they bought me a shirt and a tie in Marie S., God love him. Gave them a banquet ticket for me. And I was inflicted with this Palm Springs roundup, and it's something that I have not missed but one time, which was unavoidable because Pam and I were out of the country, and I absolutely love it. So I cannot tell you what it means to me to stand here this morning and to share this podium.
It's a family illness, and it's a family recovery.
[00:25:00]
And I could have sat here for another hour and listened to Lois, because I love to be around people like this. And it's a great experience for all of us. My family is here this morning, and we are whole and a family as a direct result of our programs. No less, no more. I owe everything that I have in my life today to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, to the program of Alvin Nye, and to the program of Alatee, which I'll talk a little bit about.
Eighteen years ago, I was hanging on and had nothing but a flicker of hope, and I wasn't really sure. There's a member of my family that's not here this morning that I love a great deal, and she's given me more in the last few years, I think, than anyone. And I want this talk to be for her, and her name is Colleen. And I love her. I'm a Californian by residence, a Kentuckian by birth, and an alcoholic by absorption.
I drank as much as I could for as long as I could, and it damn near killed me. I was a liar, a cheat, a thief, a conman, a phony, a user, an abuser of people. And I'd like to tell you that I came running through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it all changed, and it's all been wonderful. I was first introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous over 21 years ago. And I was here for all of the wrong reasons, because I had conditions on my sobriety.
I was here to try and get a family back, which consisted of a wife and a newborn baby. I was here to try and get my employer off my back, and I was here to try and get family members and friends that I had left off my back. And I've sat in meetings and heard people do what I'm going to do this morning, and that is to tell you what it used to be like and what happened, and what I'm trying to be like today.
And it went in one ear and out the other, because I wasn't seeing and I wasn't hearing. And I didn't want to be here, and I didn't want to be alcoholic. And they talked about all the things that happen to us if we be alcoholic and continue to drink. They talked about the loss of homes and jobs and families, the loss of health, the insanity that goes with our illness, the institutions, the jails, and I said, not me.
Not me. I'm different. So it was necessary for me to go back out and for the next three years to try to prove to you and also to myself that I was different. And you know and I know that once we are one, we're always one. And everything that those people talked about from those podiums that can happen to us if we be alcoholic and continue to drink had to happen to me without exception. My story is one of drinking at both ends of the spectrum, because you see, I was born into a home where I was given every advantage, too many.
I had everything that anyone could ever want in life and it was never enough, because I always wanted more. I was given a lot of love, but I always wanted more. The four C's really characterized my drinking, because I drank in the beginning for comfort, then I drank for courage, then I crossed that line from controlled to uncontrolled drinking and I drank compulsively. And the end result in every area of my life was total corruption.
Change should have been my middle name, because when I became uncomfortable in any given area of my life, I made a change. In other words, I was a runner, a drinker, and a drunk for a lot of years. And I never knew from whom or from what. I've never had but two major problems in my entire life, and one was a bottle of whiskey and the other was Len W.. And wherever I showed up, they were both there.
I spent a lot of years out there looking for it, and it didn't matter whether it was in New York or Detroit or Lexington or Atlanta or Miami or Des Moines or Phoenix or San Francisco or Los Angeles. I was always looking for it. And I didn't know what it was until I'd been in Alcoholics Anonymous for some time. And then it was discovered. But I continued to drink and to run. I want to talk a little about my family this morning.
You know, I'm glad it's happened like this, because I haven't had a lot of time to think. I got up and I showered, and I went down, and I got the kids a couple of badges, because
[00:30:12]
I wanted them to be here this morning, because they're my life today, as is my alcoholic lady. And I went back to the room, and I had about 45 minutes prior to the meeting, still thinking that Herb would be here. However, I did go to the bathroom two times. I got over here, and Herb wasn't here, and I went two more times, and just stood there. Be you alcoholic, Al-Anon or Al-Ateen, and you get up behind one of these podiums, and you don't get nervous, then you're going to lie about other things, too. But I want to talk about my family, and my drunkenness, and I think in my sobriety, because the family unit in my life is so important to me. Because when I was brought off the streets of Los Angeles, back to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had nothing, or absolutely no one in my life. And you see, I'd grown up in a family structure that was filled with love, and it meant a lot to me then, and it means a lot to me today. I had a mother that was an incredible lady. She never gave up on me, as did many, many others. But she tried every way in her power to help me, and unfortunately, she didn't know anything about Al-Anon back then. But I got in a lot of trouble. I did all of the things that you've done, and if I hadn't done them, I thought about doing them, and so I'm not going to go through them today. But I will tell you that she tried to help me in every way. I looked for answers in jobs, in different geographical locations, in relationships. You know, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with three basic fears. The fear of exposure, the fear of rejection, and the fear of failure. And I'd had that for a lot of years, but you know, I'd never recognized it as such. I didn't have labels for anything. I just drank to eliminate all of those feelings. I didn't want to feel.
I just wanted to be a part of and to try to fit, and I didn't, and I drank. And it was the greatest friend I ever had, alcohol was, until it turned on me. Because it allowed me to fit. But you know, I came through these doors, and I still felt insecure, and I was irresponsible, and I was immature, and I was trying to still function, and I was damn near dead. But I got out of school, and it was expected I'd go into family business, and I turned my back on that to go out and try to prove myself. I spent a lot of years trying to prove myself. I thought to you people, and that was true. But after I was in Alcoholics Anonymous for a while, I also discovered I was desperately trying to prove me to me.
And I went to work for a large company, and it was important to me to be an achiever, and I started to move up, but I drank more and more and more. I was raised in a very protective environment. We sometimes think, I think in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's prerequisite that we be Irish Catholic. I don't suffer from that part of the illness. Mine is probably worse because I was raised as a Southern Baptist. And if alcohol did anything good for me, it got me out of that environment. And I say that in jest. But I will tell you, when I got out of that environment, it was like letting midnight out of shoot nine, because I couldn't get enough fast enough, and I loved it. And I loved everything it did for me, and I loved everything that went with it. And my life revolved around it. But you know something I've been hearing for a lot of years, way back before I even took a drink, from a lot of people were, Len, you've got great potential, but. Teachers, coaches, friends, Len, you've got great potential, but. And interestingly enough, at about the same time they started that, and Mike talked about it, they started to talk to me about my attitudes. Attitude,
[00:35:05]
attitude, attitude. And yes, I had rotten attitudes, but I wouldn't recognize it. And when I was first introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1961, they talked to me about my attitudes, but it went in one ear and out the other, and when I was brought back here in 1965, one of the first things I was to hear was that AA not only meant Alcoholics Anonymous, but for guys like me it meant altered attitudes. And you know, I made a conscious effort at that point to do something about my attitudes, and I have since then. But as I look back in retrospect today, it's kind of interesting, because as my behavior has changed, my attitudes have followed. I continued to drink and to run and to do all of the things that are necessary for us to do to get here. I finally had to leave that job and I went back to my hometown, and I looked around and I thought all of my friends were meeting their responsibilities. They were all married, they had jobs, and marriage was the one thing that I hadn't tried, and I thought this is the answer. I don't have to tell you what happened here. You know, we had a little baby girl out of that marriage, and at this point in my life I could never guarantee my actions after I took a drink. I was a binge drinker and I'd be gone for two and three and four and five days at a time. And after about two years of that, I pulled into the driveway where we lived in Lexington, Kentucky one night, and my then father-in-law had driven from Chicago to Lexington to sit on our back patio and to ask me that question that I didn't want to ask. He said, Len, why are you drinking the way you're drinking? Why are you doing the things you're doing to your family? And I had no answers for that, so I continued to drink and to drink, and I drank that night and I poured another one and another one, and I poured my way into bed. And the last thing he told me was that he was going to take his daughter and that little girl, that little grandbaby of his, back to Chicago until I could get my life straightened out. And I came to the next morning and the only thought I had was they're not going to take that baby away from me. And I got up and I dressed her and I took her down and I put her in the back seat of an automobile and I headed south out of Lexington. Now, as I stand here this morning, the only thing I can tell you is that I was going to Birmingham, Alabama, and that's through the mountains, that's through Chattanooga, Tennessee, and I stopped and I filled up my car with my supply. And two days later I came to park on the side of the street in Cleveland, Tennessee, and that baby was sitting in the back seat of that car and that car was a mess and I had that hole in my middle that I was to keep with me for years. And I was absolutely terrified. And I drove back through the foothills to Lexington and drove in that driveway and they took the baby and went to Chicago and I went on about my business. And my business was drinking and running and I had to get out of Lexington. And I had to get out of a lot of places. And that went on and on and on.
And I'm not going to take you through it because I want to talk about sobriety and my family unit today. But I want to tell you that I'm totally grateful for every bit of it that I had to experience. For all of the pain that I've had to experience drunk and sober. Because pain has been the one great thing in my life that has motivated change and I've needed a lot of motivation. So I'm grateful for it. But Christmas Day of 1961, I came to. And I didn't even know that it was Christmas Day. And I didn't know where I was. I was lying in a bed that was wet and there were empties in the room. And I picked the telephone up and the voice on the other end said Merry Christmas and I was over 400 miles away from where I was to be with my family. And I called a man in Atlanta, Georgia that I'd known for several years and I'd totally avoided him for two reasons. One, because he was alcoholic and secondly because he was a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't want anything to do with either one. And Walt came to get me and he and his wife took me into their home and nursed me back to health. And they're the ones that brought me through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time. And I've already told you I was here for the wrong reasons. Because I had conditions on my sobriety. It's not necessary once we get here to go back out again. But I will guarantee you as others will that it
[00:40:05]
gets worse and worse and as my friend Don said last night, a lot worse. I want to tell you about my mother because she did everything in her power and she was a beautiful woman on the inside as well as out. She did everything in her human power to try and help me. And I had left Lexington and I was doing what was necessary for me to do, this self-centered, selfish way of living, and I hadn't even been in touch with my family for about seven months.
And a friend of mine found me and offered me a job in front of an asphalt spreader because he was a road contractor. And I had that pride and that false arrogance going. And he said, Len, would you like it? And I said, oh, I don't know, George. And I was penniless and I had checks out in three states and they were looking for me. I said, I'm thinking about putting a resume together. When he found me, I was coming off a drunk in a little motel in South Georgia. And he walked in that room and he asked me that question that I had no answer for. He said, Len, what do you want to do with your life? And I wanted to drink and run and you can't tell people that. And I was less than four hours from Birmingham and he said, when can you be there? And I said, day after tomorrow. Because, you see, I had to get ready to get ready. And two weeks later I showed up. And I went to work in front of that asphalt spreader and I was living in a little boarding house working six days a week. And my mom called and I hadn't been in touch with her for a long, long time. And she said, Len, I'd like for you to come home. And I told her I didn't have any money and she sent me a train ticket and I rode from Birmingham to Lexton, Kentucky and I walked through the doors of the home where I'd been raised. And she said two things to me and I've never forgotten them. She said, Len, I just wanted to see you because I love you and I want to spend some time with you. And then she said, we can't have any of your old ways or any of your old doings. And, you know, she talked to me a lot that weekend about my drinking and living and I had a lot of guilt. And I desperately wanted to please that lady more than anything in my life I wanted to please her. And I promised her on bending knees and I meant it that I'd never take another drink again, never, as long as I lived. And, you know, I got on that train to go back to Birmingham and the first stop it made I got off and got a bottle because it had become survival for me. Six or seven months later I was sitting on a bar stool in Washington, D.C., totally convinced that no one knew where I was. A man came in and tapped me on the shoulder and said, are you Len W.? And I said, yes. And he said, you have a long distance telephone call. And I took it. And it was from a good friend of mine, an old, old friend of mine who was in his residency at the University of Virginia. And Jim said, Len, your mom's here and we're going to operate on her in the morning and her chances aren't very good because she'd been very sick and she'd had two previous operations. And then he said, she didn't want you to know, but she changed her mind about 4 o'clock this afternoon. And I caught the last train from Washington to Charlottesville and walked in that hospital room about 5.30 in the morning and I'm grateful for that. Because I spent an hour with her and she was a beautiful lady and she was propped up in bed and she was begging me once again to do something with my life and about my drinking. I cried openly. I can remember sobbing. And I can remember telling her that I'd never take another drink again, never, and meaning it with every fiber in my body. And she went into that surgery and she was partially blinded by the surgery and she died in a coma three weeks later. I just drank that much more to try and drown that part of my life out. You know? And it went on and on and on. And I'm not going to take you through it. I'm going to stop now and talk about sobriety. But I will tell you that in 1964 I got off an airplane at LAX and I stood right in the middle of my wardrobe. But I'll tell you that I was still defending my right to drink. And I became a street urchin in Los Angeles for 11 months and I never want to forget it.
In Los Angeles for 11 months, and I never want to forget it. I never want to forget where I've come from, because I know where I am today, and where
[00:45:01]
I am today is a direct result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and a loving God in people like you. I was brought back to Alcoholics Anonymous and the only thing that happened was that alcohol was replaced by AA, and I just showed up on a daily basis and didn't drink. And little did I know that the miracle had started to take place. Now what was the difference between Atlanta, Georgia three years before and Los Angeles, California this time, I certainly didn't know.
But as I look back on it today, it's pretty simple. I was in Atlanta, I had admitted that I had a drinking problem, but for the next three years I was totally unwilling to accept the fact that my life was unmanageable, and to accept the fact that I was alcoholic, and that was done for me lying in that last hospital bed on Fairfax Avenue in Los Angeles. I'd been told that I was going to die before and it hadn't made any difference.
But yet that last time I cried out in desperation to no one or nothing in particular, God don't let me die, and I was brought back here. And I was given the gift that all of us have been given, the gift of sobriety, and I tell you something, I know more so today than I've ever known in my life that I've had nothing to do with it. And if I ever think that I have, all I have to do is to retrace my reentry into Alcoholics Anonymous, to know that I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
One of the first things they told me when they brought me back through here was, Lynn, tell the truth. I said, which truth? Because you see, I didn't know. I believed everything that I was living, but yet I was put back together. I was loved back to health by you people. And I resisted. I resisted everything that you stood for, but you know, if we stay around here and we show up on a daily basis and do the things that we're told to do by other alcoholics and by the book called Alcoholics Anonymous, the layers start to peel off, because mine did.
And thank God for that. That first year of sobriety, I never want to forget. Because I was finally able to move to San Fernando Valley after I'd been in central Los Angeles for about three months. And I lived in a little room out there, and I shared a bath, and my daily routine was that I would get up and dress myself, and I would walk two miles to the North Hollywood Clubhouse every morning and wait for it to open.
And I would walk in there, and the old-timers would come in, and I didn't want anything they had. But with gritted teeth, I would listen. And at about 11.30 every day, usually two or three carloads, would either go to the old nest in the valley, and I'd be in one of those cars, or we'd go to another meeting, or there'd be a meeting there. And I just got immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I just didn't drink, and I was crazy.
And thank God for the old-timers in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because they knew, and I didn't know they knew. And they watched me. And they gave me tough love, and I'm grateful for that. And after I'd been around a little bit, they watched me, and they came to me at the Cold Water Canyon meeting one night, and they said, Len, we've been watching you. And that scared me. Because they knew, and I knew they knew.
And they said, we think it's time that you got a job. And you know, I told them I thought so too, but I didn't. Because you see, I'd become a clubber. And my definition of my kind of clubber is a guy that sits around in the clubs and criticizes all of you that are out there meeting your responsibilities. I go to the meetings, and I critique the speakers. I can tell you what you ought to do in your life, but I'm not doing any of it in my life.
And they came to me a little later at Cold Water Canyon, about three weeks later, and they said, how's the job search going? I said, great. I'm putting a resume together. I had a thing about resumes, but they knew. And they said, well, that's fine, but in the interim, we found a job for you. And that job was as a janitor in that church three days a week. And you know, I had to get fired from that job.
And I've had to fail many times in sobriety, and I'm grateful for that.
[00:50:02]
I'm grateful to know that it's all right to fail. I've had a lot of doors shut in my face in sobriety. But for every door that's been shut, two or more have opened. I've spent a lot of time in the hallways, however. But thank God for this gift, because you see, I think what we all have here is the greatest healing process on the face of the earth. And I have found that the greatest healer of all is time.
And things happen in God's time and not mine, and I'm grateful for that. The last two years have been difficult for a lot of us. I know that. And they've been difficult for me, but yet they haven't. And the reason they haven't is because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the gift of sobriety, and you people. Because you see, I learned a long time ago from the people that have come before me and from those that have come after me that all I do is show up every day and go from event to event, even when I don't want to do it.
And I want to tell you, I've had periods, particularly in the last two months, where I have not wanted to do anything that I was doing in my life, yet I went on. And I'm grateful for periods like this, because I tell you, it's enabled me and forced me to go back in for self-examination. Because you see, I'm the kind of alcoholic that can still suffer from something called self-deception, and thank God for it.
And I came out of it a couple or three weeks ago, and I'm grateful that it brought me to my knees the way it did. Because you see, it's been simplified for me over the years, and the only thing I know for sure is that it comes down to surrender and acceptance. Surrender and acceptance on a daily basis. And thank God for that. Sixteen years ago, at the Palm Springs Roundup, I was with a lady. She says that it was our first official date.
I'd been doing a job in my head prior to that. That's what they call prior to investigation. And I wanted desperately to investigate, and it all started right here in Palm Springs. I was still a very insensitive, insecure, drunk, just trying to get well, and she attacked me. Women alcoholics don't have relationships, they just take hostages. And it all came together down here at the Roundup, and I'll tell you something, we've been at it ever since.
And thank God for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and for Al-Anon, or we wouldn't be at it today. I'll tell you that. And I have learned a great deal over the years about alcoholic relationships, and I'll tell you everything I know in one sentence, and that is if you both don't go totally crazy at the same time, you've got a chance. And I'll tell you, we've come awfully close, but not yet. We would have killed each other drinking.
God knows what he's doing. And there are two products of Alcoholics Anonymous sitting on the front row this morning, and that's our twelve-year-old Allison and our ten-year-old Jimmy. And you know these kids are where it's all, where it is, because I've been growing up with these kids for a lot of years. We took them to their first Alcoholics Anonymous Al-Anon-Alatine function six years ago in Lancaster to the Roundup.
You all loved them, and they had a ball.
[00:55:01]
And they'd never been to anything like that. And Saturday night, they had a country-western band, and they had a 50-50 drawing. They'd sold tickets all over the county up there for several months. And we had the kids there, and our little girl Allison came to me and said, Daddy, aren't you going to buy any tickets? And I said, No. She said, Please. So right as they were ending it and they were closing the big wire basket, I bought some tickets.
And the chairman of that event called Allison up on the stage to draw the numbers. And you know, she reached in there and she drew a number. And it was mine. And the Pacific group was there in force because Clancy was there, and they screamed and yelled and shouted and stomped their feet and it scared her to death. But you loved them, and they had a ball, and they've been coming around ever since. About six years ago, I'd been traveling a lot like I've been doing it late.
And I can tell you today that I don't like it anymore because I miss my family terribly, but it's necessary that I do it. But I'd been traveling a lot then, and I had a lot of things going on in my mind about making a living and the dollar, and I was chasing all of that. All of the things that really don't count in life, but I was out there after it. And I was home one weekend, and I was going out in the San Gabriel Valley one Saturday morning and Pam said to me, why don't you take Jimmy?
And I said, well, okay, just to get the heat off. And I put him in the front seat of that automobile with me, and we started from Laguna Beach out that freeway. And my mind was going 180 miles an hour, and I had my tape deck going, and I wasn't paying any attention to him. And then all of a sudden, a light came on. And I thought, let him slow down. Slow down. You're missing it all. And I was. And I ejected that tape, and I turned to Jimmy, who was four years old at the time.
And I started a conversation with him, and you can't have a real heavy conversation with a four-year-old. But I turned to him and I said, Jim, what do you want to be when you grow up? And he said, Dad, I want to be a fire engine. And I said, no, honey, I don't think so. He said, yeah, Dad, I want to be a fire engine. And I said, honey, I think what you mean is that you want to be a fireman. And he said, yeah, Dad, I want to be a fireman.
And he didn't even hesitate, and he came back and said, Dad, what do you want to be when you grow up? And, you know, I was really taken by that. And I thought for a minute, and I said, Jimmy, I just want to be me. And he came right back and he said, oh, no, Dad, I want you to be somebody. I love those kids, and I'm proud of them today, and I love my family. But it's all a gift, and I know that. I want to tell you about that baby that I walked away from 20 years ago, 21 years ago.
I wasn't in touch with her for 11 years as a direct result of my alcoholism. I got to the eighth and ninth step, and I made that list because I'd become willing. And I had my dad at the top of that list, and there was a lot of bad blood there as a direct result of my alcoholism. And you know, I started down that list one by one. And I'll tell you about my dad prior to telling you about Gail. to Tell You About Gail, and you know, the last thing my mother said to me was, Lynn, that I wish you and your dad could be good friends, and we're better than that today
[01:00:04]
because of this program and a loving God, because we love and respect one another, and I sat down and wrote him that initial letter, and I'm not going to stand here this morning and tell you that I didn't hope to hear back from him because desperately I wanted to hear from him, and I did, and shortly thereafter, he sent me a plane ticket and I flew east, and that relationship started to be rekindled and to be rebuilt, and we're better than friends today, but you see, he's an alcoholic, and he's a periodic, and I love him, and I've had a lot of difficulty with that, a lot. I'm grateful to the Al-Anon program and to the Al-Anons in my life, in particular to one lady who has given me so much. She has taught me more about living, as has Chuck, and I want to thank Elsa and Chuck for all that they have given me through example and through their friendship and through their love, and thank God for both of you.
I know all about the Al-Anon program. I'm cured. I know all about detachment. I know all about releasing with love, and I'll tell you how I do both of them, out of pure exhaustion. But I've had a lot of difficulty in the area of my dad, and he was out several winters ago, and one of his periods came up, and I knew it because I picked the phone up and called, and I knew it, and I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days, and I found myself leaving my office and going down to where he was staying, and I found myself walking in that room that morning.
Now, there's nothing I'd rather do in my life, in my very life, than work with a drunk. Nothing. I'd rather do that than anything, but I want to tell you, when I walked in there with my dad, it was totally different. I didn't have that empathy and understanding and everything, because I was filled with anger and hate, and you know something? I had to get out of there, and I had to get in my car and drive down the Coast Highway a long, long way, and over and over again, all I could say was, God, you take it. I can't handle it. I will be done.
And I talked to Elsa at the time, and I talked to some other Al-Anons, and I know all of the answers. It's just doing them. And you know, three weeks later, when I put him on that airplane, I was able to tell him that I loved him, and to mean it, and I still love him today, and he's been around Alcoholics Anonymous a lot. He's been all over with us, and I have to love him unconditionally, and I have to remind myself of that periodically, and it's difficult, but thank God that I've got the program to do it.
But after I'd taken the eighth and ninth steps, my original sponsor came to me, and he said, Len, what about that baby you walked away from eleven years ago? And I said, oh yeah, and you see, I hadn't forgotten, but I have a tendency to suppress things and hope that they'll go away. And once again, my fear of rejection was there, and I was afraid that if I reached out that there would be that. And he said, do it.
And the next morning, I picked the telephone up, and I called Chicago, and her mother answered the phone, and I put this lady through hell. And I hadn't been in touch with her for ten years, and she answered the phone, and I said, hi. And I proceeded to talk to her about the wonderful life I had, and about you people, and everything, and yakety yak yak yak, and you know something, she could have cared less. And I told her that I was coming back to Chicago, and that I wanted to see Gail, who was our daughter, and she hung up on me.
I then did something that has always been totally disastrous for me. I hung two signs out. One said management, and the other one said manipulator. And I proceeded to do both. There was an attorney in the San Fernando Valley that couldn't stay out of bars, and under the pretense of carrying our message, which I was not, I was pulling him in and out of those bars, and my primary motivation was to get him sober long enough so he could get visitation rights where I could see that daughter.
[01:05:00]
And you know, he did that. And I called her back several months later, and I said I'm coming to Chicago on business, and I want to see Gail, and I hung up. And I went to LAX, and I got on an airplane, and I'd done everything but take a drink, because emotionally and mentally I was drunk. I was on the worst drive drunk that I've ever been on in my life, and I pray that I ever will be on, because you see, I was the operator.
I was running it all. And that plane landed at O'Hare, and I got off, and I got in a taxi, and I said take me to the mustard seed, and the mustard seed's a little downtown club in Chicago. And I walked in that club to a meeting, and those people shared with me for an hour what they were doing. And it gave me the strength and the courage to go check in that hotel, and to pick that telephone up, and to call, and her mother answered the phone, and I said what time can I pick Gail up, and she said Lynn, she doesn't want to see you. Thank God it happened that way. Thank God. Because it put me on my knees in that hotel room that night, and I said God, I can't handle it. You take it. Thy will be done. And I slept like a baby, and I got up the next morning, and I wrote them both a separate letter of amends. And I'll tell you something, I walked away from it a free man. The greatest gift I've been given in my lifetime, other than my sobriety, has been freedom. Freedom from all of the things that had me trapped for all of those years.
Freedom. I stayed in touch with that daughter. Center savings bonds, and Easter cards, and a couple of Christmases later, I got a letter. Wasn't anything heavy like dear dad or anything like that, but it said Lynn, thanks for the savings bond, Gail. The key for me in any relationship that I have had in my life has been communication. And you see, that opened just enough of a door where we could communicate.
And I stayed in touch with her, and Pam and I came down to the desert that following Easter, and I was going back to Chicago on business, and I wrote them a letter, and I said I'm coming back to Chicago and I'd love to see you. But the expectations had been removed, thank God, and I didn't expect to hear anything, and we came back from the desert to Laguna Beach to our home and walked in, and there was a letter there. And it basically said we're here and we'd like to see you. And I got on that airplane to fly to Chicago, and it was totally different.
Because you see, there was no conflict in my life. Because I was at peace with my God and with you and with myself. Because you see, it was in His hands. And I got off that plane, and I worked all day Monday in Chicago. And I got in a taxi to go take she and her mother to dinner, and I closed my eyes and I said, God you take it, I can't handle it, thy will be done. And I walked in that home and a young lady walked out of that room and I broke up.
Shortly thereafter, she came into our home in Laguna Beach for about ten days with our other two kids. And about halfway through that visit, I all of a sudden one day realized that I was giving of myself and not expecting anything in return. And you see, for a chronic taker like me, that's another miracle. I took her back and put her on the airplane at the end of that visit. And I was about to cry. I didn't want her to see that. I still had that thing about you can't cry.
And I took her to the back of the airplane and I turned her around and I said, Gayle, I love you. And I started very quickly to the front. And just as I got to the door, she caught me and turned me around and said, Dad, I love you too. All because of a loving God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and people like you. The God in my life today is totally different than the God that I was raised with.
Because my interpretation of God then was one of judgment, one of fear, and one that was keeping score and I was losing badly. But the God that has been given to me here is unbelievable. Because there is a oneness that only we know about. I want to tell you a little story, and I love it, and it was given to me several years ago. And it was about an elderly gentleman that owned a watch.
[01:10:04]
I don't want to tell you that story yet. Please let me complete where that daughter is today, least I forget. She has been in our home in Laguna Beach for the last five years. A week from tonight, we'll stand at Occidental College where she graduates. That's the complete story because of our programs and a loving God. And she'll come back into our home next Sunday. And you and I know that I haven't had anything to do with that.
This man owned a watch, and he loved it more than anything in his life. And it stopped running on him one day, and he took it to a watchmaker. And the watchmaker repaired it, and he put it back on his wrist, and it ran a little while, and it stopped running again. And he went through this process with several different watchmakers over a period of time. And he didn't know what to do, but he was just devastated.
And one morning as he was putting the watch on, he noticed a small inscription on the back that he had never noticed in the entire time that he'd owned the watch. And he got out a magnifying glass, and he looked at it. And it said very simply, in case of trouble, return to maker. In case of trouble, return to maker. I was brought back here 18 years ago, totally separated from a non-believer in anything or anyone.
A non-believer in anything or anyone. And as I stand here this morning, I will tell you that there is absolutely no separation in my life. Because you see, I know that we're all one. Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Al-Ateen, all of us, and all of our programs, and our loving God. I love our programs, and I love you, and I love being sober. Thank you very much. I love being sober. Thank you very much.