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Source: DICOBE-00100 – Bryant B – WICHITA SPRING RNDP – 1980-06-15.mp3 File: dicobe-00100-bryant-b-wichita-spring-rndp-1980-06-15.mp3 Duration: 01:11:58
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I like his AA program. I'm sure it must be fabulous back where he comes from. I know very little about his story. I didn't try to find out. He's a gentleman. He's an alcoholic. I met him through, we got a mutual friend, Don K. and Norma Jean from over at Joplin. Of course, hell, they know everybody, so it's easy to meet friends through them. But without further ado, I'm going to give you Bryant B. from North Carolina.
Thank you very much, Ash. My name is Bryant and I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God and through the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink, or a tablet, or a pill, or whatever you want to call them, since Christmas Day of 1960. And for an alcoholic of my type to make that statement, then we won't be talking about anything short of a miracle. And out of my own doings, I believe if I'd have had a choice to drink and not be sick, or to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, I might have made that choice, I don't know, because drinking was the way of life for me. It was my existence.
And I never felt for one minute prior to coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous that I could exist without a drink, or the promise that there would be a day when I could drink. The compulsion was that great in my life. But the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and the grace of God changes a lot of things. And today you're looking at a miracle. And anything that I might do, or anything that I might say, or anything that I might be, I owe it to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I think Bob said it this afternoon, if we're going to keep rooms like this filled, then we've got to start, we've got to keep practicing the principles, and we've got to keep making it attractive, as they did for me when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. My grandfather told me when I was a kid, try to leave the world a little better place than it was when you found it. And that's what they tell me about Alcoholics Anonymous. Try to make it as strong as you possibly can.
I want to thank the committee for asking me. I have been made to feel at home. I've been insulted. I've been loved. And you've told me you love me. And that's about the way it is at home. So I appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to be at home this weekend. Now I'm a member of the Mayberry Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Mount Airy, North Carolina, and it's a group that I belong to. And it's a group that I love. And I'm not going to tell you where Mayberry is. Andy Griffith calls it Mayberry, and this is why our group was called the Mayberry Group. But it's the greatest little group in the world. And if you don't feel like that about your group, then maybe you'd better change or start another one. But I feel like I have the greatest group in the world because they help me to stay sober a day at a time.
Now Jim brought out last night that he had no plans to be an alcoholic, and I certainly
[00:05:00]
didn't either. You know, I don't believe Mom and Daddy. I don't believe they planned it that way. I don't believe that I was programmed to be an alcoholic. But in order for me to tell you my story, I'm going to have to tell you what I was like at an early age. And we do have preexisting conditions. And certainly in my case, I had a preexisting condition. I don't know if I inherited my alcoholism. I don't know if I was born that way. I don't know what it was. But I had all the symptoms of alcoholism at an early age, the underlying causes that we speak about. My daddy was an alcoholic, so I might have inherited from him. I don't know. But he was an alcoholic, and an alcoholic in a person's life can cause a great deal of anxiety. And I know what our Al-Anons talk about when they speak of anxiety, because anxiety was present in our house at all times. We never knew when he was coming home, if he was coming home, who he was coming home with, or what kind of condition he'd be in when he got there. So we lived in a state of anxiety. My daddy was a tobacco man.
He was a very capable man of making a lot of money. But I also said that he was an alcoholic so he was more capable of spending it than he was making it. And you know about that. But this frustrated me. I didn't understand. I couldn't understand why the other kids on the block rode a new bicycle and I had to ride an old rusty one. I didn't understand that. And it was very frustrating to me, and my frustrations led to resentments, and my resentments eventually led to hate. My daddy had a lot of resentments, and he took a lot of his resentments out on me and my hindquarters, and fear developed in my life.
This wasn't the basic fear that we know, but it was a brand of fear. I was always afraid. I was always afraid of what tomorrow might bring. I was always afraid that everything wasn't going to be all right. And most of the times everything wasn't all right. So I felt like it was good for fear in my life. And this fear grew, and it grew. So I had anxieties, frustrations, fear, resentment, before I ever took a drink. This was when I was a small kid. And I had another thing wrong. I was a liar. Not after I started drinking.
But after I started talking. I started telling a lie. And it was to either make me look better or you look worse. Whichever the occasion called for was all right. I could handle either one of them. And I became quite well at it. And through years of practice, I guess you would say that I was an expert liar. So I had all of these things wrong with me. And I've heard some of the speakers talk about they didn't seem to fit. And that's the way I felt. I didn't, I guess I just wasn't satisfied. This was my problem. I never was satisfied in my life. So this is why I didn't fit anywhere. For instance, I'd be sitting in this section.
I said, my God, why didn't I sit in the middle? And I'd get over here in the middle. I said, I wish I was back where I came from. I never was satisfied. Never was. Didn't think I'd ever find any satisfaction until I was about fifteen and a half years old. And some guys in the neighborhood had a party and they invited me. And I went and they had some wine. I started out as a wino and ended up that way, I might add. I had a glass of wine. And before it went around to everyone, I had another glass. And when the second glass of wine went down, things started happening. I can tell you about my alcoholism now, or the type of alcoholic that I was. I was an instant alcoholic. Just like instant potatoes. You know, instant potatoes
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ain't much if they're sitting there on the shelf. You know, nobody noticed them or paid anything. But started adding some liquid to it and things started happening. And that's what happened to me. Things started happening when I had that drink. And I had two drinks of that wine, two big glasses, and I felt better than I'd ever felt in my life. The anxiety was gone, the fear was gone. I fitted right in with that group. Everything was all right, except one thing. I wasn't satisfied. You know, this is where my alcoholic thinking comes in. I was feeling better than I'd ever felt in my life, but I wanted to feel better.
And I said, if two drinks will make me feel this good, then four drinks will make me feel twice as good. And I wanted to feel twice as good. So I started out, but somewhere between two and four I got in trouble. And I stayed in trouble the rest of my life. I got drunk that night. Didn't bother me being sick the next morning too much. And I was sick. But I could recall back the night before that I had found freedom, that I had found comfort for a few brief moments. And I wanted to feel this way the rest of my life. I wanted to be two steps ahead of everybody, two feet taller than everybody, and a little bit smarter than everybody. That was what I wanted to do. Sometimes I'm almost sorry that I quit drinking because I was so smart when I was drinking. So smart. I had all the answers.
Now I don't have very many answers, but I had them when I was drinking. And I knew that there had to be some amount of some kind of alcoholic beverage that I could drink and maintain this certain plateau that I'd like to maintain. Well, I couldn't do it. I never have been able to handle liquor. I never did know anything about social drinking. Social drinkers say today, I don't understand an alcoholic. Well, hell, that's all right. If they don't understand an alcoholic, that's fine, because I don't understand them either.
I don't understand why anybody would take one drink and sometimes leave part of that. And hold it all night. What are they drinking for? You get no feeling out of it. Why did they drink at the beginning? I never did do any social drinking, so therefore I am not going to try to understand it. But I did an awful lot of alcoholic drinking, an awful lot of it. And I understand that. I don't understand the tremendous compulsion. I don't understand the obsession. It's the most powerful force that I've ever known in my life. And I don't understand it. But I know that it was there. And I know that it was real. The obsession and the compulsion was so great that I would do most anything. If I'd been up here talking to a group and that compulsion hit me, I'd have left. Hell, I wouldn't finish.
I would have gotten me a drink. It was that bad with me. And I started getting in trouble early for my drinking, like Bob. Started getting in trouble real early. I knew that I wasn't drinking like my friends. They'd get too much and they'd say, I think I'm going home. I've had too much to drink. Not me. I'd go to town. And when you go to town with too much to drink, you're going to get in trouble. And I got in trouble. And, you know, I didn't never intend to get in trouble. I always was just going to have a little fun. You know, that's what I was going to do, have a little fun. But that's the trouble with trouble.
It always starts out as fun. I don't know if anybody ever said, I'm going out tonight and get in some trouble. Never have heard anybody say that, but I've heard some people say I'm going to have some fun and get in trouble. And that's what happened to me. And the trouble kept coming my way. My mother wanted me to go to Duke University, worse than anything in the world. And I went to Duke University.
And I went to Duke University, one semester.
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That was enough, more than enough for them, they said. Probably would have done pretty good today, from what I see out there. But then I didn't do good, because I knew about as much as they did. I already had found out what alcohol could do. Nobody, I was unteachable. You know, I wasn't teachable, so what's the need to go to school if you're not teachable? And I could be out there buying, making money, so I could buy some liquor.
That was killing me. That's smart. And so that's what I did. And I continued to have trouble. Now, for a while in my life, this trouble that I was having, I was fairly successful in business. I was falling uphill. And I look now, you know, every time I'd fall and I'd get out from under the fog, somebody would have taken care of that for me. So it was good management on somebody's part, not mine. But I attributed my success to drinking.
Alcohol did this for me. You know, alcohol did this for me. I'm successful because of alcohol, because I'm a bashful, withdrawn person that never could function in society. But if I've got a few drinks, I can get out there with them and really put my two cents' worth in. That's what I thought. That's what I told people. And I don't know how many people believe that, but I did. They didn't, but I did.
I believed it. Because I knew the kind of guy that I was, sober. I wouldn't go out of the house. But if I was drunk, I'd go anyway. It didn't make a bit of difference to me. I'd go anyway. So I continued to have a little bit of trouble here and there. I didn't know anybody that was any smarter than I was, so I had a lot of talks with myself. And I said, you're in trouble, my boy. You're in trouble.
Instead of the dog wagging the tail, the tail is now wagging the dog. You ain't handling your liquor too good. And it's time you did something about it. And so within a matter of a minute, I had an answer. It probably would have took a psychiatrist a long, long time to figure out what my answer was. But I figured it out in less than a minute. I didn't have any responsibilities. None at all. I was just a playboy.
If I had a family and I had some responsibilities, this would give me the opportunity to devote time to my family. And on the other hand, would give me less time to drink. If I was talking to the Lions Club, they'd nod their head. But I noticed you smiling a little bit there. Responsibility was not my problem. I was an irresponsible person, really. Alcohol was my problem. But I had some responsibilities, so I went ahead and got a wife.
If you're going to have a family, it helps. Not essential, but it helps. And so I got married. And when I got married, this was the first time that anybody had ever really put the finger on me about my drinking. I went to our family doctor for a blood test, and I told him what I wanted. He said, have a seat, I'll be with you in a few minutes. And he came in and he started talking to me about alcoholism.
And about how much he had studied about alcoholism. And he started telling me about a place for alcoholics that he had out on the edge of town. And I thought something was wrong with him. I said, Doc's getting a little senile, I'll just hear him out and be patient. Finally, he told me what he wanted to tell me. He said, I've observed your drinking habits and pattern over the past few months. And I am of the opinion that you are a serious problem drinker and already in the early stages of alcoholism.
And if you can quit now, you've got a lot of productive years ahead of you. But if you don't, I can't promise you anything. And being of resentful nature, I resented that. And I told him if he'd just give me that piece of paper, I'd be on my way. And if I ever needed him, I'd call him, real smart-like. And I did. I had to call him. And I did real good for two or three weeks there. Didn't drink anything but beer.
Awful lot of it, but I didn't drink anything but beer. But you know how much trouble beer is.
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It's a lot of trouble. You drink half a day before you ever feel anything, and then you spend your time going back and forth to the bathroom. I never was crazy about that. And it didn't satisfy me. I wanted liquor to get on down there. It's just something to get on down there and get the job done. That's what I wanted, and I got back on the hard stuff again. And it seemed like to me one day, and I know that this had to happen over a period of time, but it seemed to me like one day everybody wanted me to stop drinking liquor.
I don't understand that. But everywhere I'd go, people were talking about my drinking. I'd go to work and they said, You're a good guy, why don't you quit? And I got mad and went home. And my wife said, Why don't you quit? And I got mad with her and I went to Mother's. And Mother said, Well, son, why don't you quit? And I got mad with her. And I went to the beer joint. And they said, Well, you're too drunk to buy any.
Why don't you just quit? And I left there and went to a public restroom, and a guy that I'd never seen before in my life said, Man, you're in bad shape. You need to get off of that booze. Which apparently was a small problem to them, not to me. So I said, If it's so important to them, then I'll just quit. And it was on Monday when I decided to quit. That's a good time to quit. Monday morning is a good time to quit.
And I had a good reason to quit. I didn't have any liquor in the house, so that's a good reason to quit. But keep in mind, I had never quit before. You know, I had never been without alcohol for about an eight-year period. Not one single day in my life. I don't mean I was falling down drunk every day. I just never did run out of gas. Never did. Most any of those nights I could have slept all night and got up in the morning and still blown you about a twenty on the breathalyzer.
So I never had quit before, and I didn't know what quitting was like. But those of you who have quit probably know that it's a little more complicated than just not drinking on Monday. And as Monday grew longer, I grew shakier. And when my wife got home from work, I was vibrating. And I asked her to call that doctor that I'd insulted, and she finally agreed to dial the phone for me. And I apologized to the doctor for the way I talked to him.
It was the first time in my life I'd ever apologized to anybody, and I don't believe I would apologize to him if I had needed him. I told him that I needed him, and if he'd come over right away, I'd appreciate it. And it seemed like two or three days, but he got over there that night. And he gave me a couple of shots, and the next day he carried me out to the funny farm to sober up, to dry out. And this is my first experience with drying out.
And they made it relatively easy for me. I didn't shake too bad. And so for the few brief moments or the few hours that I had shook in on Monday, that's about all the shaking that I did. So they made it easier for me. And while I was there, there were a bunch of wise old men who were frequenting this place, and they'd been there 70 times apiece. I reckon I don't know. But I listened closely to them.
They fascinated me, some of the wild tales that they told. And I learned about some of the things that you take other than liquor. You know, I knew that when I left there, I knew that you didn't necessarily have to go to a liquor store to buy liquor, that you could go to a drug store and get a substitute that would do you just as well. Or you could do substitutes, several other things. And I learned all about the tablets there too, the pills, the nals and the tols and the uppers and downers.
I just got a real lesson while I was there those ten days. I listened real close to every word those old men said and went back and stayed drunk seven more years. Well, we can make a long story short about the drying out places.
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I went to every place that was opened prior to 1960. And I went to some of them two or three times if they'd had me there. Usually once was enough to sober me up for anybody. But some of them did take a chance on me the second time and some the third time. As long as somebody would get me sober, I'd get drunk again. I'd get drunk again. I would not assume the responsibility for my sobriety. As long as someone else did that, it wasn't necessary for me to assume that responsibility.
So it was their problem. And I continued to drink. Now, in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the ABCs, A, we were alcoholic and could not manage our own life. B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And C, God could and would if he were soft. Now, I'm beginning to tell you a period of time that I was beyond human help. At Duke Hospital in Durham, North Carolina, the finest psychiatrist in the Southeast, a very reputable man treated me.
I wasn't honest with him. I didn't do anything to help myself. And finally he told me not to come back. And at $35 an hour, you know, back in those days, that was good money. That's an insult. But he said, I can't help you. I can't help people of your type because you are a liar beyond any capabilities that I know. I went to the hospitals, the drying out places, and they treated me physically. And they got me in good physical condition.
And finally they said, even when you were paying the bill, they said, don't come back. We can't help people like you. We can't help people like you. Ministers whom I knew in the community shook their heads. They prayed for me. I'll give you an example. One minister said, I'd lost about everything I had, and I was working for this fellow, and I was fixing to lose that job. And I went over to his house one night, and I wanted him to pray for me.
And we were down on our knees praying, and when we got up, there was a wine bottle in my pocket, and the neck of that bottle was sticking out of the vent of my coat. And that man had done an awful lot for me, and he asked me to get out of his house. He said, I've never seen anybody like you. A judge there that had raised me. Practically, he sponsored me in the Y when I was a kid, in the junior baseball.
He introduced me to my wife. He helped me get in business. He sponsored me in the civic club there. And then I started coming before him. And for a while, these cases were squashed. They were null and void. They were dismissed. And then they got to be serious. And finally, one day I stood before him, and he gave me an active sentence. And I didn't think it would ever happen. I didn't think it would ever happen.
But he said, I'm going to do what I can to help you. This hurts me as bad as it does you. Every bit, I exhausted all human aid. I exhausted all human aid. And see, along about this time, I had been over to the asylum, too. You know, it's when you go to these places, the affluent places to begin with, you know, and you're paying your way, you're Mr. Bivins. And then when you get to where you have to go to the state hospital, you're just your average wacko that comes in.
And I was over in the goonie roost there. And I didn't think. there, and I didn't think, see I had a problem, I had a bad problem at that time, I didn't,
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I've heard alcoholics talk about I took the geographic cure and I moved to LA, thought I could get a good start, or I moved to New York, I didn't ever go anywhere, I never was able. I was too drunk or too sick or away somewhere, sober or not, I never was able to go anywhere, I just had a problem, I never did go home. You know, I'd go for weeks, not go home. And they'd ask me where I'd been and I just never did go anywhere, so they knew that I didn't go anywhere. And I'd been gone from home, there's a proverb back home that goes like this, he that leaveth and returneth not, stayeth gone for a long time.
And that, that reminded me of me. I saw Alice on television one night and one of the girls' daddy had been gone 30 years, they hadn't seen him in 30 years and here he comes in. Where have you been? Well, you know, you've been gone 30 years. He said, well, do you know how time passes when you're having fun? And I guess I was having fun, I don't know. But they started worrying about me and they sent the deputy sheriff with a lunacy warrant and I went over to this head place, where I was supposed to be, I reckon. And it was there that I experienced DTs and convulsions, the whole nine yards, you know, they didn't ever bother me too bad until I saw somebody have one one day. I didn't remember anything about the ones that I had, you know, left me a little weak and sore. And I saw somebody have one, I said, you mean I had one in the hand? Yeah, it scared me to death. But I had all those things. And when I got, come out from under the fog, they had psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists there, working with me, trying to help my head. And I decided that I would play some games with them and I would give them answers unheard of, totally irrelevant to the questions that they asked me. I never told them anything they wanted to hear. And they'd sit there and look at me for about twenty minutes and I'd look back at them. And then I'd go back out in that old long hallway and gloat the rest of the day about how I'd screwed everybody there up. And we'd go back, we'd go back the next day and the same thing, you know. And I wasn't making much progress. And when the thirty days was up, I had my clothes packed and they said, where are you going? And I said, I'm going home. They said, well, there's been a mistake, come in the office. And there was, there was a big mistake. Thirty days was a minimum time limit on that commitment, and a hundred and eighty days was the maximum time limit. And they could renew that sucker too if they wanted to. The bottom line was, my discharge was contingent on approval by that staff, the ones that I'd been playing games with. And I had another talk with myself.
I said, self, you better be saying something they want to hear, or don't you going to be here a long time. That's been twenty-five years ago. I could still be there talking like that. That's why they got those places. So I went to them and we had a conversation. And I told them all that I had been playing games. They said, we're glad you know that. And we are glad that you said that. Because we thought that it was, you know, standard behavior for you. You'd been doing it for thirty days now. So I started seeing some of the things they wanted to hear, and I was discharged. And when I was discharged, I went back home, and my wife had learned about Alcoholics Anonymous. And she wanted me to go, and you know what a drunk will do. She said, I want you to go if you're going to stay here. And I said, hell, you know what I said. I don't have to tell you what I said.
I said, I'll go. I'll go. And so she called two fellas and they came by my house. And
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I had known one of these fellas, he was the worst drunk in town. And he was dressed up and he looked good. And I said, my God, hams learn how to drink like a gentleman. That's the place for me down at AA. So I went to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn how to drink and not be sick. They didn't talk about that the first night. They talked about sobriety. They talked about the progressiveness of alcoholism in an alcoholic's life. They talked about some things that I didn't want to hear. One guy said he'd been sober six months, and I didn't like that. Another guy had been sober two years, and I didn't like that. Another one said he hoped he'd stay sober the rest of his life, a day at a time, and I didn't like that either, at all, because I didn't want to stay sober. I wanted to drink and not be sick. But before, the people were nice to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. They made a very favorable impression. And that's probably one of the reasons that I'm still standing here today, is because I didn't forget how nice those people were to me. They let me know that they cared. They let me know that they had been in the same position that I had. Some of them were worse than I was. I did not have to go to the extent that some of them did. They told me that. And before I left Alcoholics Anonymous, I started looking around the first night I was there for reasons to get out. And it still took me four or five meetings to get away. They were right there with me. I'd be in the store, and when I'd turn around, one of them would be, how are you getting along, Brian? I had no idea where you were. I started in the liquor store one day, and one of them was passing the street, and he said, where are you going? And so they all seemed to know what was going on in my life. But they had told me about alcoholism. They had told me about the progressiveness, and I understood it. They told me a lot of things about alcoholism, and I understood them. I understood them perfectly, but I did not accept them in my life. I couldn't accept them at that time. I looked around, and there were some people there who were fifty years old. I said, my God, they're over the hill. I'm only twenty-five and a half, and when I get that age, I'll come to Alcoholics Anonymous. It would be nice to have a place to go in your old age. There was one fellow there that had a little brain damage. He took a few drinks too straight or something. I don't know what was wrong with him, but I know he wasn't sharp as he was when I'd known him as a young man. And I said, I'm not like him. I haven't had any brain damage. I can't be an alcoholic. There were some winos there, and I said, I haven't been over on the other side of the tracks drinking that stuff that they drink, so I can't be an alcoholic. And if you're looking for reasons to get out of Alcoholics Anonymous, then you won't find very many reasons to stay. And I didn't. And I went back out and I tried my own way. I tried my way. And the things that the people told me in Alcoholics Anonymous came true. A little more severe than they indicated at that time, but they were a little worse than they told me. But to make a long story short, from the time I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and the time I came back, I lost everything that I'd hoped for, everything that I'd dreamed of, worked for, and loved. It was gone. It seemed to disintegrate right in front of my eyes. And there was nothing that I could do about it. And this is alcoholism as I know it. I would find myself in places that I ordinarily wouldn't go. And I said, what are you doing here? And I couldn't answer why I was there.
But I'd be back the next night. And the next night it seemed a little more attractive. And soon this became a hangout of mine. I found myself associating with people whom I ordinarily wouldn't associate with. And I said, what are you doing here with this bunch of yo-yos? And I couldn't answer that question. I couldn't answer that question.
[00:40:03]
But I would be back the next night. And they wouldn't seem so bad the next night. And soon they became friends of mine. That's alcoholism as I know it. I was taught some principles when I was a young man, basically the same principles that we know and we try to work in Alcoholics Anonymous, the principles of purity, love, unselfishness, and honesty. I was taught these principles as a child. And I started sacrificing principles. Well, it's not too bad to do this. It's not much, so I'll take it. And soon it's not much to take a lot. And soon it's easy to sacrifice another principle and another one. And soon you have no principles to live by. And when you have no principles to live by and no means of existence, then it's a pretty miserable life, my friends. And that's the way I existed the last year or so of my drinking.
I was on skid row in my hometown. I'm not proud of it. Neither am I ashamed of it. If this is what it took to bring me to Alcoholics Anonymous, this is what it took. I was on skid row. I was panhandling money from former business associates and colleagues to satisfy my drinking habit. And I got progressively worse. And it was Christmas of 1960, and I was—woke up that morning, I was as sick as you could possibly be. And I had a pint of vodka. I don't know where I got it. Didn't—I know I didn't buy it. I could have stolen it or killed somebody for it, but I knew that I didn't buy it. And I knew that I didn't do my other fantasy either. I'd always fantasized about jumping through a big plate glass window.
There was a liquor store close to that little flop house that I lived, and I always wanted to jump through that window and get all the liquor that I could carry and run down the street with it. This is what I wanted to do. But I knew I didn't do that because I wasn't able to run. But I drank a third of that vodka, and I said, it'll happen in a few minutes. And it didn't. I got worse. And I drank a third more, and it got yet worse. And when I finished it, I was worse than I was before I started. And the only thing I had in the world to depend on in those days was alcohol. I couldn't depend on people because people had let me down, right here. People had let me down, and alcohol would at least remove me for a while. And now the only friend I had was gone. And I panicked. I did the same thing that you did when alcohol wasn't doing the job for you, wherever you were, whatever you were drinking. You panicked, and I did too. And when you'd experience the degree of panic that I did, then I probably followed suit the next thing that you did. I fell to my knees, and I said, God, if you'll give me one more chance, if you'll give me one more chance, I'll try to do what you'd have me to do.
That was Christmas Day of 1960, and by His grace I haven't had a drink since then. And I don't ever want to forget, I don't ever want to forget how miserable my life was. I never want to forget how sick I was. But I went to a non-medical place called Damascus Home. Remember that. It comes up later. Damascus didn't give me any drinks every three or four hours. It didn't give me Praldehyde every two or three hours. It didn't give me a shot or pills or anything else. I sobered up on love. The guys loved me, and they helped me.
They sat on me to keep me from shaking the plane. They sat on me to keep me from shaking the place down. Days and I finally came out
[00:45:00]
of the fog and I had a clear thought for the first time in my new life. Now I had had some thoughts every time I sobered up. My first thought was I got to get out and get a stack of money this tall. I've got to impress my family. I've got to do this. I've got to do all kinds of things, never worrying about my condition of body and mind. But this time my first clear thought was how sick I'd be. And my second clear thought were the people in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I said, if I live, I'm going back. And every day since then this has been the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning, how sick I was. And I don't ever want to go back there again. And my second thought is you people and how good you've been and how you tried to help me. And I thank God for you every day. Now I didn't get well right away. And I think our speakers have brought that out pretty good this weekend. And if you're new here or if you're coming back into Alcoholics Anonymous and you think everything is going to be rosy, then listen for the next two or three minutes to what I have to tell you.
The problems were still there. It's been a tough struggle, but it's been worth it. It's been worth it as far as I'm concerned. Anything that you have to work for, anything that you have to sweat for, anything that you have to pray for or put an effort out for, is worth it. It's worth it. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous with a different reason and a different purpose. I was looking for a way to stay sober.
And I found it. I found something that I could hold on to that first night. And that was hope. Because people who had the same condition, who were in the same condition of body and mind that I was, were staying sober. And I experienced their experiences. And I said, if they can do it, I can do it. And I said, if they can do it, I can do it. And I said, if they can do it, then I can. They inspired me to come back to another meeting.
They inspired me to do that. They invited me to come back. And this was something brand new for me. Nobody had ever invited me back anywhere in the last few years. But they asked me to come back. And I came back. While I was still at a treatment facility. And I know that some of you guys and gals are here tonight from a treatment facility. And it's a good start. Mine was a good start. But the good start that I had is not one of the reasons, it's one of the reasons, but not the reason that I'm standing behind this podium tonight.
The reason I'm standing behind this podium tonight is because I have been actively involved in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for over 19 years. And I never get farther away from AA than the telephone. And if you could listen to that, and if you could do that, then you have a better than average chance to stay sober. But I started from a treatment facility. And when I was discharged, I went into my group and I met my sponsor.
And I know that Jim talked about his sponsor last night being hard and mine was from the old school too. I went to meetings. I was about a quart low. Now I wasn't nearly as smart as I thought I was. And they tell me things like, if you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk. And about the third meeting, I'd say, you know, they're right about that. You know, a three-year-old child, I'll tell you that.
But, you know, it took me three meetings. And I'd listen to a speaker. And he'd impress me very much. I said, man, he was tremendous. And I'd get outside the club and I'd say, what did he say? And I couldn't remember. I couldn't seem to retain anything. But I had. And it was burned into my consciousness. As the book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, it was burned into the consciousness of my mind by my sponsor that I could get well, regardless of people.
[00:50:01]
I could get well. And I doubted him. And I said, it's easy for you to say that. You've got your family back and I've got to have my family to stay sober. And he said, the book don't say that. And that's the first time I read the big book. It was to prove him out a lie. And it's in there. It says wife or no wife. That my sobriety was dependent upon my willingness to trust in God and clean house. But I continued to bug my sponsor.
I said, I'm going to call my wife. He said, no, you ain't. No, don't call her. I was sober a year. Everybody congratulated me. It was Christmas. Everybody made a big deal over my year's sobriety. I asked my sponsor. I said, don't you think I should call my wife? And he said, no. One of the reasons that I didn't want to go over there, he went with me to carry some Christmas presents to my little girl.
Now, I had done like any self-respecting drunk would do. I had bought a lot of stuff on credit. Borrowed a lot of money, Bob, to impress this little girl I was going to buy her love. And he carried me over there that Christmas. And my little girl said, I don't want it. I don't love you. And I don't want to see you anymore. And I left there and I was crying tears that big. And my sponsor said, she'll understand one day, son.
She'll understand. Eighteen months, my sponsor said, call your wife. And call me and let me know what she said. And I called my wife and I told her, I said, I've been sober for eighteen months now. She said, I know it. I haven't seen your name in the paper. I said, you know, I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. She said, good, I hope you stay in there. I said, I've got a lot of friends now. She said, you didn't have any when you left home.
And finally she told me if I stayed sober the rest of my life, which she hoped I did, that she had no intention of ever living with me again. And I called my sponsor and I laid that on him. And he said, come on back, you'll get another one. That's all he said. And I did. I got another one and if I was waiting for my wife to come back, she ain't back yet. And I don't believe she's coming back. But he went with me to get married just to see that his prophecy would be fulfilled.
But I did all the things that I was supposed to do. I went to the meetings. I did not miss a meeting. My sponsor said, you are never going to be too sick to miss a meeting. And you went. If God would have told me to have done something and spoke directly to me, and my sponsor would have said something that contradicted what God said, I believe I would have done what my sponsor told me. I went to the meetings.
I went through the steps to the best of my ability. I enjoyed the fellowship. I was beginning to clear up in my mind. And when I started clearing up in my mind, I started hurting a little bit in here. And I asked my wife, I started hurting a little bit in here. And I asked what was wrong, and my sponsor said, you're trying to build a new life on old principles. And it can't be done. You can't expect to do some of the things that you did in your old life and build a completely new life from it.
And God, I wanted to be respected because I saw people in Alcoholics Anonymous I saw people in Alcoholics Anonymous that were walking in dignity and pride. And I wanted, I wanted that badly. And you see, we have the best forgetters in the world. I had forgotten about this promise that I had made to God that Christmas day. That I would do whatever was necessary. And here I was using God for a spare tire instead of a steering wheel,
[00:55:02]
instead of letting him run my life, I was using him in emergencies. About like a garbage man. I'd get it up once a week, I'd say, here it is, come get it. And this was not the way to do it. And a great guy that I knew, I knew then, he's dead now, came to North Carolina, he was from Texas. And I heard him talk about walking with dignity and pride. And he took the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and he showed me.
He showed me. And one of the old timers in our group went over this book and showed me what I would have to do. And they showed me the promises in there. And it says, when these promises are fulfilled in your life, then you can walk with dignity and pride. They're on the bottom of page 83 and the top of page 84. I can quote them for you, but I ain't a quoter. I assume you're better at reading than I am quoting.
But you know, this is what Alcoholics Anonymous had to offer me. If I was painstaking. And so I got that book. I got that book and I started reading it and I started studying it. I had read it something like a novel to begin with, but now I had to study it and start applying it in my life. I found some great truths about myself. I found some things that I believed. You see, some people had come along and made this program look very attractive to me.
There were people that came along and said, this is like a cafeteria line. You take what you want and leave the rest. And I had listened to these people somewhat because I wanted the easier thing, the easier way. I didn't look at, listen to what chapter 5 says, that other people begged of me to be fearless and thorough. They said, we thought we could find an easier, softer way. And that's what I was doing.
But the sacrificing and the leveling of my pride had to come. And I found out, I'd heard people say, only an alcoholic understands another alcoholic. And I read what Dr. Silkworth said. And when he described the condition of body and mind, when he said why alcoholics drink, I'd use all these excuses to drink, same thing he used, appetite and everything. None of it always had an adverse effect on me.
I'd drink for my appetizer and I'd go for a week and wouldn't eat anything. But I drank for my appetite. Drink to sleep. It makes me sleep. I'd sometimes go three or four days, wouldn't sleep a wink. But I drank for my sleep. Drink for my nerves, that's a good one. You know, be a little bit nervous and take a drink for my nerves, and a week later I'd be going like this, but I took that drink for my nerves.
But Dr. Silkworth said men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. And then he went on. And he talked about the complete psychic change that has to occur in my life if I'm going to recover from alcoholism. And there's a great deal of difference, as Bob said, in treatment and recovery. Treatment is working on a symptom, recovery is something that lasts. Treatment is temporary, recovery lasts.
And I had to work on my recovery from alcoholism. I had wanted to forget my past. I'd wanted to forget the skid row. I wanted to remember the time that I was a respected businessman. I wanted to forget about the active jail sentence. I wanted to forget those things. But the book says, we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. It also went further than that. It said no matter how far down the ladder that we had gone, that our experience could benefit others.
And so I started following directions for the first time in my life. those promises have been fulfilled in my life. They were slowly at first, but they materialized when I worked for them.
[01:00:08]
And as a result of working this program, I have been allowed, by the grace of God and with your help, to walk with dignity and pride. Some miraculous things have happened. And I know maybe everybody's in a hurry, and if you want to leave before I get through talking that's all right. But I'm going to tell you about the miracles that have happened to me. When I went to Damascus home as a patient, that was a lonely, God-forsaken place.
I felt like everything in the world had been removed from me, the most empty feeling that anyone had ever had. And I walked those grounds and I cried. And I thought it was one of the low points in my life. But after the dignity, and after the pride, and after the program started working into my life, I left to work with drunks. I left to work with drunks, and so I'd been sober four or five years, and I went back to Damascus home as superintendent.
And I walked those grounds and I cried again. And my sponsor came up, and for the first time in my life he said, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Money couldn't buy that. But I wanted to forget it at one time in my life. I wanted to forget the time that I had been before the judge. I wanted to forget it. I was filled with hate. I was filled with resentment. And I was told to go to that judge and apologize.
And I said, by God, he owes me an apology. I'm the one that did that time. And they said, no, no, you caused him some trouble. You caused him some heartaches. And I went back and I told him. I asked God to give me the words to say, and I told him, I said, Your Honor, I want you to know that there's no hard feelings on my part. I know that you did what you had to do. And I want you to know that there's no hard feelings here.
I don't know what made me say it. It's not my nature, but I said it. And that old man sat there and cried. And I cried. And he said, it's all right, son. It's all right. And I wanted to forget about it, but he went farther than that. And he called me into his court. One day they were opening court, and there were three or four hundred people there. And there was some men sitting on the front row. They didn't look good, they didn't smell good, and they didn't feel good.
They were drunks. And they'd been in jail. And he told them, he said, gentlemen, at one time, and he addressed them as gentlemen. He said, at one time, this man was in the same condition that you were in. And today he's one of the most respected loved persons in our community. And if you'd like to be discharged in his custody today, I'll allow this to be done. And I stood there, and I thanked God for Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I thanked God for people like you. Two of those guys are still sober. Two of them are still sober. But it opened a way that everybody else, every other alcoholic that was ever gone to jail in that town, was allowed treatment instead of being put in jail. And it happened a long time before it ever was law, too, my friend. And it was a blessing that I wanted to completely forget about. But I couldn't.
The book says don't do it. I wanted to forget about that day with my daughter. That was one of the low points in my life. And my sponsor and you people told me to be patient and she'd understand. And I was impatiently patient. That was the best I could do. And surely she began to understand. And we began to communicate.
[01:05:01]
And when she finished from high school, she graduated with honors. And I was there. She had some scholarships. And I told her that in spite of what I was, that I was real proud of her. And she said, Daddy, I don't want you to sell yourself short. If I had to choose to be like anybody in the world today, I'd want to be like you. But I can't buy that. And I wanted to forget it. But if I'd have forgotten that, I'd have had to forget about the two grandchildren that she'd given me.
I'd have had to forget about the whole thing. But that's not the name of the game. I had to make my amends. And I had to wait patiently. And then I could walk with dignity and pride. My daddy's hate still lingered in my heart. And a little lady from Al-Anon taught me about that. She said, You pray for your daddy. Pray for him. And I started praying for my daddy. It wasn't much. It was God bless him to begin with.
And then I could say, God bless him and mean it. And then I could say, God bless him and take care of him because I love him. This was true, and I felt it from the bottom of my heart. I knew that everything was all right with my daddy and I. And when he died, he was in South Carolina. And my wife and I and my sister went down for the funeral. And we got there about an hour before the service and were allowed to see him.
And instead of the traditional handkerchief in his pocket, my daddy had a serenity prayer pen in his pocket. He'd been sober three months when he died. And my sister saw him, and we talked freely about the life that we had in Alcoholics Anonymous. We talked freely about the grace of God, the way the book says to do. Speak freely of the Spirit. A little over two years ago, my sister called me from Orlando, Florida.
And she'd lost her family, and she'd lost everything. She had the same problem that I had. And she called me and she said, I want to be like you. I want to be like you. My sister now is a member of the Winter Park group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Winter Park, Florida. Miracles. Yeah, the preacher, the one that ran me out of his house. I spoke at his service at eleven o'clock, one of the largest churches.
And he introduced me. I went to him, and I made my amends. And he said, I think that's marvelous. And I said, matters not what you think, it's something that I had to do and something that I wanted to do. And he asked me to speak at his service. And he introduced me as his brother, and he said that he loved me. And I stood there and I cried a little bit that morning, because I can remember how much I loved him and how much I respected him when he ran me out of his house.
And through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, through your teachings, and a kind but firm sponsor and the grace of God, my life has been turned around today. I need Alcoholics Anonymous worse today than I did the day that I got here. The day that I got here, I didn't have anything to lose. And today, I have an awful lot. I've got a heck of a lot to lose today, and I'm staying, if you'll have me.
I leave with you my prayers and my best wishes. But I don't pray that it's easy for you, because being easy sometimes is not effective. I pray that you prosper. But along with your prosperity, let's remember that it's in giving that we receive. And the more we give, the more we prosper. But I pray for you for prosperity in that way.
[01:10:01]
I pray that you'll never know loneliness again as we knew it once in our lives. But as I pray for your relief from loneliness, I also pray that you'll be friendly for those who need us, because that's an answer. That's an answer. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that I hope that all of us can live with a grateful heart, because that's the secret to survival, is to live with a grateful heart. And that's what I've tried to share with you, and I love you for it.
Thank you, Brian, that was a beautiful talk. Let's close this meeting with the Lord's Prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen.