Transcript

Thank you, Ronnie. Hi, everybody. My name's Edie, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Edie. Uh, I can tell you, uh, I wanna thank Mary f- uh, first of all, and I wanna thank the committee. Uh, th- this is a tremendous honor and privilege for me to be able to be here and share with you. Uh, I attended my first, uh, Spring Fling in, uh, 1980, so that was 19, 19 years ago, was my first, uh… And it was over at the Woodlake Inn. Uh, my, my aunt, uh, who's, uh, got sober about a couple years before I did, brought me to the Spring Fling, and, uh, a lot has changed in 19 years, uh, uh,

so, uh, I, uh, you know, I, I'm a– Of course, you know, I'm a little nervous today. But there are some people here that I really want to acknowledge that have come from my work. And, uh, it just touches me that they're here, and, uh, they're in the back of the room. And, uh, Mickey and Andre and, and Cindy, thank you so much for, for being here for me. Thanks. It's great. Andre, I was telling Andre, you know, what I'm up to, and I, I'm only gonna talk for 45 minutes. Mary says I have to quit at 12:30, or she'll shoot me. Uh, I told, uh, Andre I was going to, uh, speak for an

hour and a half. Just, I was just playing with you. At any rate, to tell you a little bit of, uh, what it was like and, uh, uh, what happened and what it's like today, uh, they talk about, uh, they talk about me in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when they call Seeking Lower Companionship. Uh… Jesus Christ. Could you turn that off, please? It's calling to say hello. Is it time? Yeah. I'm just kidding. It's, uh, you know, and it is the '90s, and, uh, information technology is the way of the world. We're not being beeped. We're getting paged around, aren't we? There's nothing like throwing you off, uh, your train of thought, though.

So where was I? I'm, I'm, uh, Seeking Lower Companionship. I grew up with the kind of people that they, they, they talk about in the Big Book. Uh, uh, I am the product of a mixed marriage. In the early '50s, my mother, uh, who's American Indian and, uh, Hispanic, married my father, who, uh, is, uh, uh, French and English. They were– I am the product of a mixed marriage. And, uh, uh, there were challenges growing up with that. And because not only I think that do, do we have difficulty fitting in as alcoholics, we have difficulty fitting in as people. And, you know, in my family, my– I'm always, I'm always so honored to be

able to share at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because I absolutely know that I am a miracle. Uh, my mother, uh, Henrietta never made it to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, and I've learned from the old-timers, uh, in AA that, uh, the disease of alcoholism is, is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and, uh, it is, uh, very destructive in our families. And, uh, my mother, uh, never made it to an AA meeting, and, uh, it took me a long time to be grateful for the fact that I made it to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a retread in AA. Uh, but I want you to know that, that how my mother quieted her madness and

what happened for her is that in 1958– And I don't know what was going on in my mother's life, and I'll probably never know, but I know that she wasn't blessed with a, with a program of AA. And I, you know, I w- was told that she had been on a, a two-week drunk and, uh, that she seemed to be troubled, but my mother was the kind of person that didn't talk about what was going on. I come from a family of, of silence. We don't talk about those problems. Still today in the Valdez family, they don't talk about my mother or what happened with my mother. I've gone back, and I've tried to find

out information because I'm very curious about my mother. But what my mom did in, in, uh, 1958 on, uh, on a Monday afternoon is, uh, she walked down the hall. She walked into her bedroom. She sat on the ed- edge of the bed, and she shot and killed herself. And when I was three and a half years old, I was the one that found her. So if you think that I got here with some issues- … about abandonment and, and, and those things, I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous in Wrangler jeans and flannel shirts and two six-packs of beer, and forget you. I had a little bit of an attitude. Uh, uh, the

first Spring Fling I ever went to, I went to because, uh, my aunt put me in a car and hauled me there. I sat in the back of the room at the old Woodlake Inn. That's where it used to be. And, uh, there was a woman there by the name of Liz S– uh, Liz S that spoke. And, you know, I think that, that, that we, we keep coming to the me- the meetings long enough that we, we get to hear our story. And I'll never forget hearing that woman. I was sitting in the back of the room and in, in that big ballroom that they had, and it was, uh, Satur– I think she

was Saturday night. And, uh, and she talked about living in Downey, California, and being poor and having the, having the church, uh, bring food over to their home. And, uh, she got home, and she found out what was going on, and she was a young teenager. And she said she, she found out that the, the, the food was donated from the church, and she took the cans of food, and she started throwing them out the front door because it wasn't– starving to death wasn't half as bad as letting anybody know. So what I know is that you get to Alcoholics Anonymous, and you get here with a lot of secrets. You, you know, I walked

through the doors, and I, I was somebody that was incredibly– my spirit was incredibly wounded. I was wounded. And, uh, uh, it took a long time. My journey in AA has not been an easy one. Uh, I'm a warrior. I'm a fighter, and I ask why, and I want justice, and can you imagine? It– That causes a little bit of conflict. Uh, uh, as a child growing up, uh, I think that we get here with a lot of, uh, of the things that were told to us. The re– What I'm gonna talk about today and what, what I want my topic to be… Are there any new people here in their first year of recovery?

Would you mind telling us your names? I'm Leo. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Lee. I'm Ray. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Ray. Welcome. Hi, Nikki. I'm Margie. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Margie. I'm Dan. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Dan. Welcome. Wow. That's a gift. Hi, Dave. Dave. And you're all in your first year– Oh, there's another. My name is Tim Cobb, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Tim. Well, welcome to all of you, and I, I hope that, that the ones of you that identified yourself will find in Alcoholics Anonymous what I have found, and I found a home here. And, uh, what I can tell you about the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is it's a wonderful experience. What

I, what I recommend that you do is, is you find a home group. My home group is group three. I think it's the greatest meeting in, in all of Sacramento. Uh, and I know today that I am sober by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and great sponsorship. So I hope you find here what I found here. Uh, I, I, uh, I was a kind of drinker that, uh, was a blackout drinker. I was a blackout puking drinker. I, uh, start– I had my first drink of alcohol, and I think that you learn to mimic the people that you grow up with. After my mother died, I lived with some relatives,

various relatives, and they were those, uh, uh, bar-drinking people. Uh, they used to go to the bars and say– They'd park the car, and they'd say they'd be right back, and four or five hours later, they'd show up with a, with a Coke and a bag of peanuts and say, "We'll be right back." Right? You know, and so, uh, they– But they would disappear. And after a while, it, it– And I don't know if any of you had bar-drinking, uh, people, come from families or parents that were bar drinkers that had you. After a while, you'd have to lay down. You'd have to lay down in the car because the authorities would be suspicious. And,

uh, you know, I don't know why this day or this evening, and it was nighttime, why it was any different, but I think you learn to mimic the people that you grow up with. And the people that I was growing up with at this time in my life were not people that took alcohol and put it in a glass with, with, uh, with ice and had a cocktail. I didn't grow up with cocktail drinkers. I grew up with the kind of people that pulled it out from underneath the seat. They cranked off the lid, and they took a big drink, and they grunted, and they handed it to the people next to them. Now, I

thought the grunting was a, was a cultural thing, uh- … 'cause my, 'cause my tata used to always go to– My tata, which means grandfather, used to, uh, go to the refrigerator and get a drink of water out of the jug and always take a big drink and grunt. So I thought it was just a Hispanic thing. Uh, uh, but this night I discovered why they grunted, because I pulled that bottle out from underneath that seat, and it's a bottle of Seagram's Seven, and it had about this much in it. And, uh, I cranked off the lid, and, and I, I kicked it back, and I took a huge gulp of whiskey. You know what,

it, it, it just like– It, it came out of my tear ducts. It made my ears pop, and I went, "Ah." Yeah. A-and now I realize what they were grunting about is that it hurt. But it, you know, the, the magic of ju– of, of– The magic occurred in just a, a, a short period of time because I felt that burn go all the way down, and, and when it got to my belly, it just spread out, and I'm like, "Whoa." And for the first time in my life, I thought, man, you know, that warm feeling that, uh, that, that, that just kinda comes over you, and you get that feeling like it's gonna be

okay. It's gonna be okay. And for a long, long time, alcohol did that for me. I could get that, I could get that medicine, and I could make that magic happen. And I would like to tell you that when the magic went away, and when that warm feeling went away, and when that– when I could no longer take that, that, that, that swig of whiskey or whatever it was and that, and that magic didn't happen, I wish that I was somebody that could say to you that I went and sought help. But that's not, that's not my story. I'm one of those people who knew a long time before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that

it had not worked for a long, long time. Alcohol and drugs, I'm not gonna get into the other part of my story because I, I absolutely believe in the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, and what I'm gonna tell you is that little white stuff just sped me up getting here, for that I'll be forever grateful, and that's what I'll have to say about that. But I was fortunate. You know, I, I look back, and I've been thinking of what am I gonna talk about today. You know, I walk through– My first Spring Fling, I was twenty-four years old. You know, I mean, I just, uh, I just turned forty-five. I'm forty-five years old, I'm sixteen years

sober, and I don't know that it gets any better than that. You know? I mean… Uh, the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous have come true in my life. And, uh, you know, the women in the back of the room, uh, you know, uh, Andrea is my mentor at work. And let me tell you, I work at UC Davis, and I am not an easy– But I have not been easy. The– And, you know, these three women in the back of this room have been such an incredible example, such an incredible example to me about leadership, about dignity, about respect. And so have people like Louise and Mary and Ronnie. You know– And Patty Cake. You know,

I was in a recovery facility down in Modesto called Reality. And, and Patty Cake was our, Patty Cake was our, our, our speaker. And, uh, Patty, I'll always remember that night. You know, you came, and you were dressed in this really, really lovely chiffon red dress. Wonderful. And these little spiked heels, and you looked wonderful. You know, you come in, and she gets up there, and she starts talking, and she goes, "Well, you know, I've come to tell you the difference between a rich Okie and a poor Okie." A rich Okie, a poor Okie's, uh, uh, Okie that only has, uh, one mattress tied to the top, and I'm here to inform you that a

rich Okie's one that's got two tied to the top of the car, and that's who I was when I got here, and from that moment on, I loved her. So I had my first drink in, in, uh… Jesus, yeah. Uh, boy, you know how long it took me to get ready today? 'Cause I wanted to look my best today. You look good. Well, thank you. Thank you. Uh, I was, uh… I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in, uh, oh, I don't know, '79, something like that. My younger brother, uh, Joaquin, got out of the VA hospital in Menlo Park, and he said… Uh, he came to live with me in, in Merced,

and he said, "You know, Edie, uh, I have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, but they won't let me go unless a blood member takes me." Now, I don't know what the prerequisites for the membership of Alcoholics Anonymous are, but I can tell you this, I thought it was a good idea. So I, I, you know, and I didn't think that I was an alcoholic. You know, I just didn't think that I was an alcoholic. I, you know, the, the woman that I lived with after my mother died is, uh… When we go- when we went to live with her, she was in the chronic stages of alcoholism. Chronic stages of alcoholism. Really, what happened is

she took my hand, and she took my little brother's hand, and she, she took us to the places that women alcoholics go, where women alcoholics go to get their medicine. So without going into great detail, in a general r- way, what I'm gonna tell you, as a little child, that I went to places, and I seen things and experienced things that little children shouldn't, ought to experience. So on, when it got to that, when I got to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it was presented to me that the possibility is is that I could be an alcoholic, I'm like, "Contrare." Contrare. You know, I have a car that's registered. You, you know one

of the most spiritual things that'll happen to you in Alcoholics Anonymous? That I could… I r- I remember running to primary purpose and bragging about the fact that I had the checks, the address on my checks, the address on my registration, and the address on my driver's license matched. It matched. Do you remember that day? You know, you sit in a meeting that day, and you look up at that first step, and we're talking about, "My life is beginning to look manageable." You know, and that's a far cry from when you get here, and you think there's no real problem. Right? Well, I, you know, I got a little drinking problem, but other than that,

mana- uh, manageable? I don't know about that. Na- that insane thing? Oh, please. It takes a long time for some of us to get it. It takes a long time. So this first meeting that I went to, uh, I don't know if any of you, uh, in your first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, make up, made up anything. Yeah. But I make up stuff. I am the queen of contemp- part investigation. I walked into that meeting, and they had a sign-in sheet. So I made up… Well, I grew up in foster care. I know about government-issued food. 'Cause, you know, in the foster care in the early 60, you know, through the, the early 60s and

70s, the foster care f- uh, providers or foster homes, you got the f… The amount of food was given to you contingent on how many foster children were there. So doesn't it make sense that if you go to an AA meeting, and they have a sign-in sheet, and you grew up with a bunch of dope fiend alcoholics, that I made up that you turn the list in to a social worker, and contingent on the number of people on the list, they'd then allocate coffee. So I'm a thinker. I'm a thinker, okay? Now, uh, people, y- you know, I mean, I'm, I'm a thinker, but I got here with low self-esteem, thinking I didn't have the

ability to think, because w- and we're told a lot of things when we're, when we're growing up, due to the fact that, that Mary was a, a lady of the night. Occasionally, she'd get picked up for her profession. She didn't quite manage herself well in this area, and occasionally, she'd get put in jail for prostitution. So what would happen is we would get put in holding homes, and when we'd get put in holding homes, we used to be evaluated. Now, I had a man evaluate me when I was, like, 9, 10 years old. Now, 9, 10 years old going on 30, right? And they used to like to take me in a room, and they

had a file. Uh, see, I was really the ward of, uh, State of California until I was 18 years old, after my mother died. And, uh, the file was very thick about… My, you know, my file was thick because I was quite a festive child. Uh- Anyhow, he would take me into this room, and he used to like to, uh… He was a child psychologist. Child psychologist. He's an overweight man with sweat beading out of the top of his head. And he asked me questions that I felt were inappropriate. over it. He wanted to ask me questions about my mother's death. He wanted to ask me questions, questions that the truth of the matter is

that I didn't talk to anybody about. So at the end of our little interaction, this man informed me that I was, uh, I was angry. I thought, "My, this is a really bright man." Uh, we will hand that to him. He is really bright. He told me that due to my anger and, uh, hostility that I'd probably spend my adult life incarcerated in prison, because I had the inability to adapt. Now, I thought, "You know, that's a reachable and attainable goal." Right? You know, I come from the kind of people that take pride in their tattoos. Uh, y- y- you know, the, the people in the Valdez family could, uh, you know, I was, I

was probably eight, nine years old when I realized, you know, you can tell, I can spot a c- a county tattoo, county tattoo from a state, uh, uh- … you know, the system. The system, w- if you've been in the county- Yeah … you're not really a good convict. Yeah. And they, and they haven't been there long enough to really get the technique down. But after they spend time in the state penitentiary and federal penitentiaries, they get better at tattoos. So I was taught at a very young age I could look at somebody and tell. "Well, there, he's not even a good convict." A real one. Yeah, you know, a real one. Yeah, these are

the things that I got to you with. I knew that when I was, uh, 11 years old that I didn't want to live, uh, you know, I had some goals in life. I knew that I didn't want to be a whore, I knew I didn't want to be an alcoholic, and I knew I didn't want to live in a Ford. I mean, these, you know, I mean, I, I'm clear that I'm a goal-oriented gal. Right? Now, when I was in high school, how I got to Chowchilla and how I met, uh, uh, Ronnie is, uh, I was relocated. It was only supposed to be for the weekend, uh- … what happened is, uh, the woman

that I lived with, uh, Mary, the alcoholism started to take over in her life, and now, uh, we're living in Watsonville. She's doing the labor camps. She has cirrhosis of the liver. She's, she's really, you know, the effects of alcoholism were running rampant. We lived in a hotel above an old bar. The furniture in the place that we lived was a box springs and mattress with artichoke crates, and that was our home. The reason it was so hard for me to, to accept that I was a woman alcoholic was I, in my mind's eye, I think you get pictures, and in my mind's eye, I always had that picture. Dottie, you need to do something

with that thing, like just turn it off. Thank you. Well, while, while she's doing that… Does that thing have an off button? I realize that you're a doctor and they're wanting you to come to the ER, but No, we're done. It's okay, Dottie. It just screws up with my train of thought, because I'm thinking, "My God, there's an urgency over here." Now, where was I? Just I was, where was I? I was- Asparagus crates or whatever … uh, oh, oh, okay. The, um- Artichoke … so, uh, with Mary, as a child growing up with her, uh, you know, I want you to know that she died when she was 33 years old. Ooh. And who

took care of her was me. You know, it got to the end, uh, through the last days of her life, she, she drank Carlo Rossi wine out of the, out of the gallon jug, and I was the one that would pour it in those little shrimp cocktail glasses, right? That you eat the shrimp out and then you get the little glass. You remember those? Mm-hmm. Right, and, and in the morning what I would do is I'd pour that wine into that, that little co- cup, and I would take it over and I would give it to her, and it'd usually take two or three of them before she c- take, keep it down to get

the sickness off of her. So when I got to AA and they told me that I was an alcoholic, I said, "No, I don't think so. See, I know what a woman alcoholic looks like, and that's not me." So part of my process of surrender was is that I thought you had to be a lot worse than I was. Mm. So I had to do a lot more research. What I want you to know is that, uh, I went to live with my father two weeks after I went to live with my birth father. My birth father came back into my life, and he took my brother and myself to live in San Jose, and

two weeks later, Mary died in that hotel. She died alone. Her esophagus ruptured, and she bled to death, and she was 33 years old. So I know that, I have, I'm, I'm clear about the disease of alcoholism and what it can do to you and how quickly it can do it to you. So I know that I'm blessed to be able to be here. Uh, you know, uh, uh, I went to live with my dad, and, uh, we, if you can imagine, we had a little bit of a, a challenged relationship. I hated him. I just hated him. And what I want you to know is at, uh, by 4:00, 4:00 or 4:30 or 5:00

today, my dad's gonna be at my house. Wonderful. My birth father. Because I have forgiven him. I know that he did the very, very best that he could do with what he had to work with. He, uh, he isn't in my life as a father figure, but he's my friend. He's my friend, and I'm gonna bring him to the Spring Fling, and, uh, and he's gonna get to see what, what celebration is about. I want you to know that my father has not had a drink of alcohol since 1972, and he does not go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I joined Al-Anon so that I don't have to, you know… Jesus. I just wish he had worked

the steps, you know what I'm saying? It's just like- My God, the other day he was telling me about, you know, being in the grocery store. He's 76 years old. He hasn't had a drink in all these years, and he's standing in the grocery store in Bakersfield, California, and he sees this little girl who has this curly brown hair and these big brown eyes, and he becomes paralyzed because he thinks about me and how awful it must have been for me. And he's telling me this on the phone a week ago, and I said, "You know, Dad," and I, I listened to him and I said, "You know, Dad, this is what I want you

to know. I didn't have the greatest childhood, but I want you to know that I absolutely believe today that it's the biggest asset that I have in my life. Dad, if you would've stayed, if you would've stayed and say we would've had the life with the little white picket fence, and I would've graduated from high school, and you would've gave me a BMW, and I would've went to school at UC Davis, do you think they'd be calling me from all over the country to go share my experience, strength, and hope?" "No, Dad. The truth of the matter is, is that I'm a woman of color that's 16 years sober, that has an incredible message of

hope, Dad. So you know what I want you to know, Dad? I wanna thank you for that." Because as a little kid, you know, I've been through– Y- you know how many years of therapy I've been through? You know how many groups I've been through? I've been through it all. I've s- you know, I've burnt sage. I've, you know, I did rebirthing. I, I've, I, I've done all sorts of things, and believe me, every bit of it, every bit of it helped me. And I worked the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I got into service. And I, and I take new people to meetings, and I, you know, I pour coffee, and I wash cups,

and I take down the Christmas tree because I'm a member of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I asked my dad, you know, he told me he'd, he'd like to come and visit, but the only weekend would be this weekend or noth– And I started to say, well, you know, I don't want him to come on this weekend because, you know, I'm gonna be going to the Spring Fling. And I thought to myself, well, well, like a light went off. Hey, Dad, I think I want you to come during the Spring Fling, and I'm gonna take you to the Spring Fling. And so he's gonna come, and you're gonna notice. And if any of

you see me with this, this white-haired guy who's very proper, he's very well-read, highly intelligent guy, who's, uh, writing a book on the history of theology- Mm … I'd like for you to sit down and talk to him about AA. I think he'd get fr– If he did a Fourth Step, I think he'd get some freedom from that little girl in the grocery store. Uh- But that's not for me to say. Uh. I'm jumping around here, and you know I do that. It's five minutes after 1:00. I got five minutes after 1:00. What do y'all have? 10 after. 10 after? Close. I got 20 minutes. You, you would not believe what I can get done

in 20 minutes. Andrea, you're gonna be amazed what I can get done in 20 minutes. So I didn't tell you a lot about my drinking. The kind of drinking that I was was, you know, Ronnie can tell you all about it 'cause Ronnie and I used to drink together, but I loved to drink in those sleazy little chicken shit bars- … that play country western music and have pig knuckles. I don't know if any of you are old enough to remember pig, pickled pig's feet. Yeah. But I loved to li– You know, I loved to go into those bars that you can smell two blocks away, right? Kinda a little bit dark, you know? You

get in there and you start drinking a few cold ones, you know, and, and, and, and, and then you start playing, you know, uh, Merle Haggard, I'm always on a mountain when I fall. You know, and, and you know, you're, you're like sucking on a knuckle, and it's 11:30 at night, and you look across the bar, and you've made a new friend, and I'm gonna tell you, it doesn't get any better than that. Right? And, and, and what happens is all that goes away. All that goes away. And you know, uh, I started, y- you know, uh, I was telling you about my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I went there, and after the

meeting, after I told them all about my younger brother, they, uh, they came up to me and start– and the women gave me their telephone numbers. I was offended. I thought, "My God, you know, I've got a job, and I'm here because of him." It took me a long– You know, I've only been in Al-Anon a little over a year, a year and a half. I don't know what took me so long to get to Al-Anon. I think it's denial. Uh, I think it's denial. At any rate, uh, I become a retread in Alcoholics Anonymous. I started going and, and hanging out at, at AA because I, I knew, you know, uh, I learned in

that first meeting that, that blackout drinking is what occurs for alcoholics. See, I thought that my– when I drank and, and it went away, the, the memory, I thought it was because I had a low IQ. 'Cause when I was in high school in Chowchilla, uh, there was a guy by the name of Mr. Welk that took me in, uh, in your sophomore year of high school, uh, he took me in, uh, to, to, uh, look at my file about preparing me for Harvard. Uh- And he, you know, opened up the– he opened up my file, and he kind of looked down at my file and looked at me, and looked down at my file

and then looked at me, and just closed my file. And he said, "Based on your low IQ, we don't have to do any preparation for you. Actually, based on your low IQ, I don't know how you got in general population." Now he's got me curious. And I said, "Well, how bad is my IQ?" And he says, "Well, you, you got an IQ of 83." And I said, "Well, well, how bad is 83?" And he says, "Well, you know, people with IQ of 83 usually have trouble holding spit in their mouth." And I'm like, "Well, golly gee." "I guess I'm stupid." So you got the guy telling me I'll spend my adult life incarcerated in prison.

You have Mr. Welk telling me that, that, uh, I have a very low IQ. He told me that maybe I could try a technical school, that, you know, that would be the best I could do. It seems that I'm very– You know, I was in art, and I did a lot of stuff in Mr. Langran's class. I hung out with him 'cause you could smoke pot. Uh- And, uh, he told me if I ever got a D in gen– in, in general, my general education classes, that I should really look at it as, as like a major breakthrough. So in the next foster home I was in, uh- You know, I got D's and F's,

right? And they were, you know, the, the, the woman, uh, Bertie Hargis is the, the foster home that I was in at the time said, uh, "You've really gotta do something to improve your grades." And I said, "Well, you need to go talk to Mr. Welk." He said, if I ever got a D that was a breakthrough due to my low IQ, that I shouldn't, uh, even be in general pop- population. I shouldn't… It's amazing I can hold spit in my mouth. And so she went and had a talk with Mr. Welk, and she said that, that she didn't wanna have that in my record. So they actually– she, uh, brought a man in to

test me, uh, to test my IQ. And what I want you to know is, is that I don't have an IQ of 83. I have an IQ somewhere, like, in the low 130s. Okay? I'm kind of highly native intelligent, but as, as Andre and Mickey can attest, I do not know how to spell even to this day. Most, most communications that I send out to campus, I send to them so that they can edit them because, you know, the words that I write s- in spell check says, "No suggestion." But that doesn't mean that I'm stupid. It just means the girl can't spell. Uh- Uh, you know, when he was testing me, this, this man

was testing me, he gave me all of– there's lots of different things that they test you, and that they give you pictures and, and you put puzzles together with pictures, and I'm, like, off the scale, really intelligent over there. But then he asked me about the Vatican. Now, I want you to know, being a good Hispanic, I was, uh, baptized and ears pierced at six months. I'm a Catholic. But I did not know the Vatican was where the pope lived. He says, "Do you know what the Vatican is?" And I thought, "Well, Vatican." I thought. And I said, "Well, you know, there's a lot of wineries around here, and I– you know, these, those big

rubber things that carry wine?" I'm thinking, "Well, you know, it's like a vat. Maybe they line it with cans. Vat of cans." You got a vat of cans. Yeah, well, I guess you had to be there. Uh, at any rate- At any rate, what I want you to know is that that little girl that was told all these things is who walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I got to you, I believe that I couldn't read or write. I had, uh, a lot of hostility, a lot of hate, and a lot of shame. So it's taken a, a lot of work with people like Louise and other people. I have had great

mentors. So I have great, great love for the, for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the truth of the matter is they tell you that when you get here, that Alcoholics Anonymous, that they'll love you until you can love yourself. And you know, you don't really understand that while you're here, when you first get here. You don't really understand the distinction of that. You don't understand what that really means. But what I can tell you is that, that I was taught when I was new, you know, my, my home group was a primary purpose and, uh, the primary purpose put on this Spring Fling for the first five years until we turned it over to

the Greater Sacramento. I was, uh, on the, the Spring Fling committee for the first eight years of my recovery. And when I became a, a member of Primary Purpose, uh, only the Primary Purpose people was, were, a lot of them– I think we pretty much dominated control of the committee, but we have surrendered that pretty much. Uh, but you know, I wasn't long enough sober, I wasn't long enough sober to, uh, hold any position. So Whitey created a position. I was the very first historian- -for the Spring Fling. And, uh, they said, they said, "Well, we'll just create this position. If she doesn't follow through, it will not negatively impact the conference." But I had–

you know, I got these mannequins. I got these mannequins, and I put– they used to– the Spring Fling used to have the hostesses that wore these little unbelievable dresses, right? I got a mannequin that had it. You remember that? Uh, uh, yeah, it was just– I had all this stuff. I don't know what happened to it. We put it in a box, and somebody has it. I wish I would've held onto it. But I was able to, to be a part of the Spring Fling for the first eight years of my recovery, and I absolutely believe that it immensely contributed to me learning how to be in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. So if you're

new, and the people that identified themselves, what I recommend is that you get involved in AA, that you become, uh, part of the fellowship. I'm gonna read something, uh, to you because it's my favorite page. And when I was publicity chair, I had actually put it in the program because I could. Because I was publicity. And, uh, it, it– I just love this part, and I'm gonna read it. 'Cause, you know, in the time that we have, I don't have a whole lot of time, so I'm gonna read this. The last fifteen years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I've had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is life. But

also, I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends, and with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship, for to these people, I'm truly related, first through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope. And as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing our mutual trust, understanding, and love, without strings and without obligations, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach. God, I just

love this page. The ache is gone, and never need return again. Now, there's a sense of belonging, of being wanted, needed, and loved. In return for the bottle and the hangover, we have been given the keys to the kingdom. Ooh. And that has been what's been given to me in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, when I was three years sober, I was self-employed. That's… Because I was hanging out at Group 3 with a lot of potential and noon meetings. It was just, I had a lot of potential. And it was, uh… I don't know, Louise, you remember all of you that got together and, and filled out that application for that state job? Do you remember

that? I could… You know, I mean, they put together this, uh, this, this resume for me. Resume, I mean, they, like, sat me down, and you know how old members in AA, they, like, they, they talk and take notes. And they put this thing together, and I got this, you know, the application, and they helped me fill it out, and I sent it off to the State of California. And they, they sent me back a letter saying I had a test date to be a inspector, a project inspector for the state architect's office. And, and I, and, uh… I don't remember who it was, I think it was Patricia and somebody else, uh, Patricia C.,

that took me down and let me off at the, at the community center downtown, and me and 700 men took a test. Uh, you know, and what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, a lot of it is just f- completing the process. It's like starting out on step one and going through, and, you know, finding someone, finding a sponsor, and somebody that you can do the work with, somebody that you can do that fourth step with. Because, you know, I absolutely believe that the power of the fourth step is, what it does is, like, the only thing in front of me in my life was my past. And I think what the fo- fourth step does

for you is, in distinguishing those things, identifying those fears, and clearly getting in, in line in the columns, and if you do it as it states in the Big Book, I absolutely believe that tremendous freedom's available. And what happens, what happens in the process, what happens in that process is, is your past gets taken, and it gets properly filed in the past. And what opens up is a possibility of your future. And, and there's so much possible, I mean, so much possible. You know, who, who got to you was a broken, hostile, angry little girl. And when I went into that, i- to take that, that test, you know, there was some… You know, of

course, guys give you a little bit of a hard time. Uh, some guy said, uh, "Y- you know, did you come to take the test for your dad?" And I said, "Well, yeah. You know, he's drunk at home. Somebody's got to do it." Uh, you gotta have a sense of humor. You know, what happened is, uh, it, you're only allowed four hours on the test, and I took the test right up until the point they told me, uh, they kicked me out. Mm. You know, and I don't… At the time of, of my taking that test, I don't know. Inside, I didn't feel like I was gonna pass it, but I sure felt good about

completing the process. Yeah. And a lot of what life is about is facing your fears, facing your fears, and, and, and, and going beyond that what you think you can do. That what you think you can do. And it doesn't hurt to reach out there and, and do it, because us in Alcoholics Anonymous, and the fes- fellowship will always be there to help carry you. And you know what happened? Is I passed the test. It is… You know, I passed the test, and I was the first woman ever hired to do industrial inspection for the state architect's office. You know, is that, like, close to astonishing? It's absolutely close to astonishing. You know, I got

here, and I bought all my clothes in the feed store. I, I had no self-esteem to go into Macy's or do any of those things. I didn't feel good about myself, and I thought, the best I'll ever be is a carpenter. I joined… You know what? I, I took Mr. Welch's advice when I got out of the house, uh, high school. I joined the carpenters union in 1979. I turned out at a journey level, and I thought, gosh, you know, this is pretty good. This is gonna be pretty good for me. You know, I went on after, a- a- after, uh, I was sober a few years, and I got my general contractor's license, and

I went to work for the state architect's office, and I went to work on the, on the prisons, and, uh, uh, I was located down in Southern California. And, you know, God, I was, like, four, four years sober, and alone in San Diego, and, and scared. You know, and, and it was a whole different distinction for me on, on that job because what happened is, uh, I was no longer carrying my tools. I was somebody with authority, and I want to tell a little bit of a story about what happened because I think it's really… I think it contributes to what you get taught in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, you know, I was, I was,

the f- first, uh, day that I was on that job, guy by the name of Al was assigned to me. You know Al, been, been an inspector for 28 years, wore his Dickies starched to the T. He took inspection so important, he wore his hard hat inside the car. And that little Dodge Dart, you know, it was like, hardly… You know, I'm driving with that hard hat inside the car. I d- You know, I never knew what that was about, but, you know, I thought- … this guy is significant. And we're driving, it's 900 acres, and we're driving down. He's supposed to feel, familiarize me with the site, and he, he looks over at me,

and he says, "Well, we knew them minorities were gonna show up, just didn't know when." I'm like… So, you know, y- you think, golly, I got no banana nut bread. So, you know, what are we gonna do? I thought, you know, I'm not gonna, like, attack him, which was really an oddity. This is the time when you know God is working in your life far beyond anything that you would've ever done- … because I'm a junkyard dog, right? That comes from the streets, and there's plenty of things I wanted to say to that old man. So I said, "Well, what other minorities are coming besides me?" Now, for you older people and for a lot

of people, I'm gonna tell you exactly what Al said, 'cause I want you to get the true essence of Al. And if I don't tell you exactly what Al said, you just are not gonna get the true essence of Al, and you're not gonna get how AA's really worked in my life. Al turned to me and said, "Well, we're gonna have two niggers, an Indian, and a cunt. Now we're just waiting on the two niggers and the Indian." Oh. Now, you get… Y- y- … Now, now this, now this is when you're sitting in the Dodge Dart and you think, "I think that the old-timers taught me that this is where I practice the principles

of the program." Not that I wanna practice the principles, because, see, there's, uh, somebody living inside of me that had plenty to say to Al. And I don't know where this came from, but I absolutely know that sometimes God does for you what you cannot do for yourself. And I turned to Al and I said, "I really get that you must have resistance in my being here." I've never talked like that before. "I get that you must have resistance in my being here." "But it's not okay that you ever talk to me like that again." And I learned that from the women in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I went on to the… I was on

that job a, a couple of years and, uh, I learned to go r- before everybody got there, and I learned to leave after they had gotten there, to just avoid the contact. And it wasn't long before I, I filed a, uh, I learned to file a grievance. I went through this whole thing. There's a lot of other things, and I'm not gonna go into that. The most important thing is, is that what I learned to do as a woman in a work environment is I learned to stand up for myself. And when I stood up for myself, I didn't stand up for myself because I'm gonna sue them. I stood up for them, myself so

that, you know, the measurable result that I produced out of my standing up is no woman goes to work for the state of California and is located in a remote area that is not given a packet of instruction of where to call or what to do. Sensitivity training was given to all the inspectors that, that had to do with remote work, and that is something that I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous. And for that, I'll always be grateful. Because I absolutely believe that when we get here, it's our responsibility to be all that we can be. Not just a little bit, all that we can be. You know, I went to work for the, for UC

Davis, and it was like I, I, I couldn't believe that, that I got a job out at UC Davis. You know, I came here at the Spring Fling. I was living down in San Diego, and they invited me to come to be a 15-minute speaker. And when I came up here, I saw in the paper there was a, a, a, a job out at UC Davis, and I thought, "Well, I'll apply for that job, and we'll just see what God has in mind," right? Let's just see what God has in mind. And I, you know, I went through the process, and I filled out everything, and I, I, I mailed it off, and I got

a letter saying that I needed to come for an interview. Now, I've never had an interview. The state of California doesn't have interview. Take a test, and then you get hired off of a list. So I went to, to, to physical plant at UC Davis, and, uh, they gave me the job description, which is five pages. They said, "Why don't you go ahead and review this if you have any, any questions for the committee?" I didn't know anything about a committee, right? But I thought, "Well, you know, I'm here," and there's a woman m- by the name of Alabam, uh, that I used to love to listen to her tapes, and she says, "You know,

you just get dressed and God will do the rest, honey." And I figured- That's Alaba … you know, I was dressed, so I figured, "Well, I'm already here, and it seems like this job description is a bit out of my capabilities, but we'll just go through the interview process for the experience." And I sh- you know, five people interviewed me, and I looked them dead in, you know, I looked them in the eye, and I, I was the best person I could be in that interview. And I answered the questions to b- best of my ability. And six weeks later, they called me and told me that I got the job, right? It's, it, it,

it's like, it's, it's amazing. I was just, uh, almost, like, five years sober, and, and, and I got this job. And, you know, the, the thing that I find the most entertaining is that they gave me all the grand master keys to UC Davis. And, you know, being the alcoholic that I am, I went and tried them all out. And, you know, uh, a lot has occurred for me in, in, in my career out there. About, uh, about four years ago, uh, there was a job for a development team. And, you know, in the middle of all of this, Andrea and Mickey have, you know, Mickey is, uh, the chair for, uh, SAIDD, the Staff

of American Indian Descent. And, and, and I met Andrea when she was the chair of the Hispanic Staff Association. And today, I'm the chair of, of, uh, SADAC, which is staff, uh, SADAC, Staff Diversity… Staff Affirmative Action and Diversity. And Diversity. Campus wide. C- Ca- Campus Wide Adversary Committee. I'm the chair of that. Can you believe that? I mean, you wouldn't believe the things that I get exposed to. But it, and of course, they, they help me a lot with all of that. As you well can tell. Um, well, I'm gonna tell you this one story, and then I'm gonna close. Uh, there was this, uh, possibility of a, it's, it was called a development

position. They're crea- creating a new department. And I thought, "You know, I'd like to, I'd like to apply for that job." But I thought, "You know, it's really way out of anything that I could ever do." But I thought, "Well, you know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and try. I'm just gonna try. Why not? I love practice and life." If anything, Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps have taught me is we get to practice life here. You know, in AA and in the meetings, and when we get to share and when we get to be in fellowship, this is where we dive for those balls. Yeah. You know, you see that ball coming, it's like,

are you gonna go for it and just kind of put your mitt out there, or are you gonna dive for that baby, right? And what I've learned to do at Alcoholics Anonymous is I've learned to dive for those balls. I did, that's it. That's what I do. Because I like to live my s- I'm very self-expressed and passionate about life. So I went to this interview, and I walked in. It was one at, at the MU. It's in this big conference room with, a, you know, in a fancy conference. It, it is in the Mead room. And this room is, you know, really, the r- the room itself is intimidating because it's so large, and

it's got a real beautiful wood table, and it's a kind where you can see the reflection of people's suits in the table. And, and there were, like, 12 or 13 people on this, on this committee, and they asked me a lot of really hard questions. A lot of really hard questions, and I did the best I could to answer them. In the end, the last question they asked me was, "You know, if you get– If you're the successful candidate in this position, you'll be interacting with a lot of highly educated people, and, and, and we wanna know, you know, what is it that you do in your community that is a contribution back to the

community that you live in?" Now, you know, I thought to myself, "Well, self, you can't tell them that you're an alcoholic." Right? You can't tell them that because they'll think– You know, what will they think of you? And then that other part of me said, "You know, if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't even be here." So I looked at him and said, "I have a little bit of resistance in sharing with you what I, what I do in my community, uh, but I want you to know that I'm a, I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm very involved in service work," and, and I told him about the HNI work that

I've done over the years and the things that I've been involved in. I said, "You know, and I realize that based on this information, that might, might be detrimental about the possibility of me getting this job, but I want to really thank you for the opportunity to be here because from where I came from, this is nothing short of a miracle. So I wanna thank you." And I left, and I never thought that I was gonna get that job, and do you know what? I got that job. Yes. And today, I'm a superintendent in facilities at UC Davis. And that is– You know where my last drunk was? My last drunk on July the eleventh

was in the medical center on Stockton Boulevard. They had me strap, they had me strapped to a gurney, right? They had me strapped to a gurney. I had IVs in my arms and hoses up my nose, and I was flopping around like a dead carp, right? So when you– when they say what's possible in AA, anything's possible because we've been given the keys to the kingdom, and they say that if you're willing to do– that g– that great things will come to pass if you're willing to do the deal. And I've been willing to do the deal, and great things have come to pass in my life. I'm gonna tell you a story about an

Indian, and then I'm gonna sit down. Uh, I went to s– uh, to the, uh, Las Vegas conference for American Indians, uh, about eight years or nine years ago, and, uh, in-instead of having marathon meetings, they have, uh, talking circles, and in a talking circle, you stay for the whole completion of the circle and the communication. And there was a man that was leading that, that was, uh, fifteen years sober and ninety years old. Ooh. Check that out. He's fifteen years sober and ninety years old, and he was a, a medicine man. And he says, "You know, as young people, it's very important that you go to faraway places." He says, "You know, as a

young child, I used to live on a reservation, and the medicine man always carried rocks, and I knew that the rocks that the medicine man carried were spir-spiritual healing rocks. I knew that. But I couldn't speak to the medicine man until my shoulder wa– my head was at top of his shoulder." And he said, "When that day come, I went to him 'cause I wanted to be able to get these powerful healing rocks." He said, "So I went to him, and I asked him, 'Medicine man, you know, where do we get– What are these rocks, and where do you get them?'" And he said that the medicine man put his arm around his shoulder, and

he said, "Well, son, I'm just moving that rock– I'm just moving that mountain one rock at a time." He says, "What we do in Alcoholics Anonymous, as American Indians, is it says in the first step that we, that we get to do this thing together. And on some days, you know, my rocks, I can't carry them by myself, so you get to help me. And over a period of time, it doesn't matter how big the– your mountain of rocks is, the remorse, the problems with your family, the, the, the dreams that you never fulfilled on, the things that you never did because you just– it got to be a place where it's too overwhelming. In

Alcoholics Anonymous, it's a place where you get to come, and every day, you can move a rock, and when you're tired, somebody else helps you move that rock." And I thought that was a beautiful story. And then he said, "You know, the other thing is, young people, you love to go to far, faraway pla-places. My, my nieces and nephews and– always wanna go to Hawaii and Jamaica and Mexico." He says, "It's good to go to faraway places." He says, "And I ask of you that when you go there, that you, that you, you get the soil, and you take the soil, and you, you hold it, and you feel the texture of the soil, and

you smell the soil and know the vegetation. It's important to know the– to know Mother Earth and all the different things that Mother Earth provides." He says, "But I want you to know that the longest journey that you'll ever take will be from your mind to your heart," and that's the journey that we get to take in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I wanna thank you. It's been an honor and a privilege to be with you. I can't tell you what a wonderful day it's been for me. Thank you.