Good morn-good morning, Don. Good morning, Earl. All right. All right.

Snap out of it. We gotta start soon. Don’t leave him on a tear down. My name’s Earl.

I’m an alcoholic. Hi, Earl. Man, I don’t have it– Thank you very much. The inside of my head.

God. So what are we talking about? Uh, deception. Uh, dece-deception, disease, and appropriateness.

That’s… Okay. The topic for this morning is… You guys in the back, pipe down.

We’re, we’re saving lives here, for Christ’s sake. Guy at the back just kinda goes, “Yeah.” So Unity, Service, Recovery. Yeah.

We got this triangle with a circle around it. You’ve seen it on bumper stickers, rings, watches, tattoos. We, we got ’em. Actually, it’s an ancient spiritual symbol.

Stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being, and therein lies the balance that I seek and have never been able to find drunk or sober. I mean, I was a, I was a drunken maniac, and you, uh, you sober me up, and you got a sober maniac. You know, living in the extremes. I mean, I was a, either a victim or an assassin, one or the other.

You know what I mean? I n-never could find the middle of the road. Could never find just okay. Always out on the edges, you know?

“Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. I gotta kill your whole family.” Just bam. You know, could never stay in the middle. Could never find that even ground, that centeredness that, that, you know, I would look for.

I came into recovery and they said, “You know, we, uh… You know, exercise is good,” you know? So I exercised until I had stress fractures in my feet, and it ripped the muscle from the bone. You know what I mean?

Just, you know, lifting weights and lifting weights and lifting weights and then just, uh-oh, something’s wrong. You know? Live with that one to this day. The, uh…

You know, just obsessive about everything, maniacal about everything. Um, couldn’t get to the middle ground. And I was listening to these guys talk, talking about recovery, and they were– and this guy said, “You know, it’s an ancient spiritual symbol, mind, body, and spirit.” Alcoholics Anonymous adopted that symbol, and it’s the same thing.

Unity, Service and Recovery, it’s the same thing. Unity is the body. I couldn’t get sober, but we seem to be able to. This is the body for me.

All right? I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t do it on my own, but when I’m hanging with you guys, when I’m with you, I got it. I, I’m okay.

Unity is the body governed by the 12 traditions, how we function as a group. It’s pretty basic, simple stuff. And I mean, it was like light bulbs went off for me when p- somebody explained it to me. That’s…

I, I, I couldn’t get sober, but we seem to be able to together. So I go to regular meetings regularly. All right? And I go to regular meetings regularly because, um, I’m from Los Angeles, and we got about what?

3,000 known meetings a week, you know? And that doesn’t count all the, all the, you know, underground AA- -which is ki-kinda like being in the sub-basement, you know what I mean? Where, you know, people’s homes and meetings that are going on and big book studies and stuff happening. There’s so many meetings that I can go to a different meeting a day for like 10 years- Uh-huh.

-you know, and never get to know anybody. I can remain anonymous within an anonymous program, going to bre– going to meetings all the time. And so when I don’t connect, when I don’t become known to the group, no one– when I slip away and go drink, nobody will ever say, “Well, you know, where’d, where’d that Earl guy go?” Earl who?

You know? I’m not connected at all, which is why I’m a huge advocate of the home group. I mean, I didn’t know when I came into the program that I was in a home group, but I was. I didn’t know that, you know, ’cause I ended up in a group in Culver City, and I went to a Friday night meeting.

It was the first meeting I ever went to. And some guys came up and said, “You know, we got another meeting on this night and another meeting on this night and the Men’s Stags on this night and the candlelight sharing meetings on this night.” And I was just, you know… I mean, that was complete overload for me, you know? W-what?

‘Cause I thought you just came here every Friday night and listened to this guy talk. You know? And when I came back the next Friday, sat down, and a woman got up, I nudged the guy next to me and said, “Where’s the guy?” They said, “What guy?” I said, “The guy that talks here. I heard him last week.

I came back to hear him again.” I didn’t know anything about A & A. You know, and the guy looked at me and said, “You’re new, aren’t you?” I said- -“What’s your point, man?” And then he started to break down all these meetings they had, and it was… You know, I was so crazy when I got here, it was, you know, get car, go meeting, hear guy, go home. Mm.

That was AA. That was all I could wrap my head around. Then a lady got up and talked, and lo and behold, I’m identifying with a 72-year-old woman, right? She drank like me, and I identified.

I’ve got– And I got– I fell into this home group, and I kept seeing the same people at the meetings, same people at the meetings. And they got– I got to know them, and they got to know me despite my best intentions. So regular meetings regularly. I have to get connected to the other people in the room.

I’ve gotta see– That’s the only way I’m gonna go to meetings and see other people change. ‘Cause I’m so crazy in my own head, I can’t tell if I’m changing, if I’m growing, what’s going on with me. But I can see it in you. I can see it in you.

And if I’m going to meetings with you regularly, and there you are and you’re sharing, sh- I’m going, “Wow, that’s really remarkable. You know, that woman has, you know, really shifted her attitude about certain things. She shared g- that she was grateful for the first time. Wow, that’s pretty interesting,” right?

So staying with those people in those regular meetings was so important, so important to me. Regular meetings regularly where I become a part of the group. It’s so easy f- I can stay alone and isolated in a cast of thousands. It’s very easy to do.

Just sit there in my head, spinning like a top and not talking to anybody else. It’s so important, and it’s, I think, one of the hardest things for a new person to do, is, I mean, how often do you go to a meeting and they say, “And, and, does, you know, anybody like to share?” “Yeah, um, you know, my name’s Bob. Uh, this is my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and, uh, I don’t really know anybody, and I really think it’d be a good idea to get to know all of you.” “So I’m just letting you know that I’m the new guy

here and thrilled to be in the A&A deal.” “And, you know, if y’all would come up and just break it down for me and talk to me about this, you know, I’d really appreciate it.” I’ve been going to meetings, regular meetings regularly for twenty-three and a half years. I have never heard anybody say that. I have heard some interesting comment.

My, my favorite comment ever in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous was in my current home group. And there was a guy that came to the meeting. I don’t know if you were there. Maybe you’ll remember this.

They were asking if there’s anyone there in their first thirty days, and this guy s- stood up barely. He stood up and he said, “My name is Edward, and I’m an alcoholic.” And he just went… Asking if there’s any… “So is that guy o- over there.” Stood up barely.

And sat down, right? And the guy, the guy that he pointed at, we all looked at him like, “Dude, you need some more meetings, man.” That guy spotted you out of a pretty sick crowd. I love that guy.

Oh, man. But I gotta go to meetings. I gotta go to regular meetings regularly. It is amazing how f- long it takes for a guy like me to connect and how infinitesimally short period of time

it takes for me to disconnect. I can do it during the break. I can do it during the break. I can withdraw into myself, and I’m gone.

But if I’m at a regular meeting regularly, as I’m withdrawing into myself during the break, up until three days ago, you know, outside smoking a feeling, you know. Outside smoking that feeling, you know? And, you know, here comes Steve or here comes Constance or here comes Christopher or here comes Joe or here comes Shannon or here comes, you know, a couple of the guy– Danny.

You know, a couple of the guys I sponsor. When they show up, you really feel their presence ’cause there’s– they’re present. You know, like when, when one of my guys shows up, and he’s like, “Hi.” You know, they’re, they’re kind of intense. You know?

And they come up, you know, it’s like, “Ooh, out of self. Out of self.” Gotta, you know… You don’t have the opportunity to disengage. You don’t have the opportunity to shut it down because it’s just right there coming at you, right there coming at you.

It’s just vital I– to my recovery that I’m involved in a home group and that I’m attending regular meetings regularly. It’s amazing. I’ve been going– Uh, I have a Friday night meeting that I go to whenever I’m in town, and it’s, it’s a pretty large group. There’s a, there’s a couple hundred in there usually.

Two, two fifty in there every Friday night. And, uh, I’m still getting to know people. And I’ve been going to that meeting since I moved, so it’s about five years I’ve been going to that meeting. Um, and the great part about my home group is, is that there’s always newcomers.

We’re always dragging in the new guys. You know what I mean? So there’s always the new guys coming in, trying to break it down, trying to break it down. And when you’re talking to a new guy, it takes you right back to the beginning.

You know, you get– You gotta take it back to the basics. I’ve gotta be– I gotta reframe my mind to get back into the basics and carry that message to that guy because that guy’s not interested in breaking down. You know, um, he’s not asking me, “Yeah, I’ve been sober like two days, and I’d like to know how you improve your conscious contact with God.” You know? You know, it’s more like, “How do I not hurt myself or somebody else before I go to bed tonight?

How do I not pick up before I go to bed tonight?” Because I’ve got– I’m gonna be in the car alone from this meeting for the next twenty minutes home, and a lot can happen. So it’s just about right in here. You know what I mean? The basics.

Getting the basics rolling again. And it reframes me up and reminds me why I’m here over and over and over again, and I need constant reminding. Like I told you last night, I’m, I’m– I should never be left unattended. It’s the truth.

Left to my– Left alone, it’s remarkable what I will turn into in a very short period of time. Regular meetings regularly. Unity is the body. I bring it here.

I must be with my fellows. And every single guy, not every single guy, but the great, great majority of guys that I have s- known in the program who have gone out and, by the grace of God, have made it back, a baffling scenario to me because it’s not my experience. I can– I can’t– Like I said last night, I don’t know how I got here in the first place.

I don’t know how I’d be able to find my way back. I asked those guys, “So what happened? What happened?” Ah. See, if, if you weren’t here- It just wouldn’t happen.

If you weren’t here, I could– I’d be helpless, see? I must be with my fellows. Hello again, my friend. Yeah, man.

The, uh… So, phew, microphone. Um, what was I talking about? Unity.

W-what are you all doing here? I just woke up. Ai, yi, yi. Um, yeah, so that– It’s gotta happen.

Without that… The guys who go out, they come back, I say, “What happened?” And they s- invariably they say, “I stopped going to meetings. I disconnected from the group.” That’s… And so I, you know, I hear that, “Go to meetings.” And then I listen to the guys who went before me, it’s, “Go to regular meetings regularly.” Th-that’s an, an essential

part of that little equation, right? Regular meetings regularly. So if that’s the unity is the body, I bring it here. Recoveries of the mind, I work the 12 steps.

That’s what they’re for. The greater aspect of my disease is the obsession of the mind. I’m– Like most alcoholics and drug addicts, I figured if I kicked, I got it. Free of the beast, man.

Physical phenomenon of craving is gone. The thing that I’m focused on avoiding at all costs, that kick. I clean up. Sudden– You know, two, three months later, I’m actually sleeping through the night.

You know, uh, uh, body’s functioning somewhat normally. I’m tracking information. For me, this is huge improvement over the con– my previous condition. And I think I’ve, that I’ve, I’ve addressed what is apparent to me the greater aspect of my disease.

That is a mistake on my part. The obsession of the mind is the greater aspect of my disease. In the book, it says, “The persistence of this illusion,” this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man, “is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death.” I have a friend in LA that calls me the gate guy.

I use right to the gates, man. I go… It just get– It’s like falling off a cliff for me. I get– I go insane.

I have to deal with the obsessive nature of my mind. If I don’t, if I don’t, I’m never gonna get comfortable sober. I’m never gonna get truly comfortable sober. I have to be relieved of the beast whispering in my ear.

I c– The, that alcoholic thinking, that obsessive thinking, I’ve gotta be rid of that or I’ll never get comfortable sober. It’s the only way for me to really be free of the, uh, of the disease, really break free and walk the earth a free man, is to get rid of that thinking. Now, w- what’s, what’s amazing to me is I can walk… I can go out, go to the hospital, kick on the couch, do whatever I do, pull myself together, walk into an AA meeting and I’m, you know, I look

sane. Right? N-not even close, but I look sane. And I got the good…

You know, I know how to do it out there. Bring it right in here. “How you doing?” “Fine.” “How you doing?” “Good.” “Good.” “What’d you think of the meeting?” “It was great.” “Great meeting.” And I have absolutely no idea what happened in there.

Because they’re saying things like, you know, “God,” bing, just bounces off my skull, right? “Fellowship,” bing, bounces off my skull, right? Any of the little AA slogans, I’m reading them on the wall. I’m new.

I’m in the back. “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 12 steps? Okay, good.

Got those. Good. Good. Right.

Uh, uh, first things first? Yeah, okay.” You know, “Keep coming back.” “All right.” “One day at a time.” “Okay, that goes right with the first things first, keep coming back thing, right?” “They’re all in the same print on the same page right next to each other. Figure those go together.

Right, right, right, right, right.” I have no idea what’s happening. One d– I mean, I hated that stuff when I was new. Keep coming back. One– My personal favorite, “Hey, just turn it over, all right?” Yeah.

Absolutely. Turn what over? What are these people talking about, right? And if, if you’re, if you’re new or you don’t know what those things mean, I hope you have more courage than I did.

You know, ’cause I j- I just sat there acting like, “Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it,” and I had no clue what that meant. I hope you have more courage than I did. Just step up to somebody in here and say, “Excuse me, I don’t understand the spiritual significance of just turn it over. Would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit?” Right?

Now, when I got sober, if they were honest, about 75% of them would’ve said, would’ve said, “You know, I don’t know what it means either.” “You know, they said it to me when I… I’m just saying it to you.” “I don’t know what the hell is going on here. I just got my AA rap down.” By the way, getting your AA rap down will get you drunk as far as I’m concerned. It’s just my opinion, right?

It’ll get you drunk. You know, where you’re walking to me, “How you doing?” “Sober all day.” You know? You know, “Keep coming back.” “You too, my brother. One, two and three.

One, two and three.” I said, “What are those one, two and three?” “A hell of I know.” “One, two and three.” Don’t get your AA rap down, man. Wrestle with it. Say, “I don’t know.” Say, “I don’t know.” Find somebody that actually mentions the fact they’ve read the big book.

You’d be surprised how many people you can ask before you get one that has. A lot of people think going to meetings is the program. It’s not. It’s the fellowship.

Vital to my recovery, the fellowship. Absolutely vital. Unity is the body. I gotta bring it here.

I gotta be with my fellows. The recoveries of the mind. The 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The steps are designed to relieve me of the obsessive think– alcoholic thinking that is mine.

The obsessive nature of my mind, right? That persistent illusion, right? It’s the thing that allows me to burn the bridge behind me. It’s the thing that allows me to take the option of drinking and using and remove it from my consciousness so that when I’m faced with a problem in

life or I seek a solution in l– to a problem in life, as I review on the table the options that are available to me, drinking and using is not one of them that I choose not to, you know, engage in. There are people in the program that will tell other members of the program that, uh, they choose not to drink on a daily basis. Not my experience.

If I’m choosing not to drink on a daily basis, at some point, life on life’s terms is gonna kick me in the teeth. You stick around here long enough, loved ones die. People betray you. Confidences are broken.

Life happens, and it lines up just in a– I remember a nine-month period of my sobriety where my sponsor dropped dead of a heart attack. I got divorced. The guy that I’d sponsored for six and a half years, who was like a little brother to me, was murdered. Uh, a good friend of mine who was taking care of my goddaughter was murdered.

They cut my little goddaughter’s throat, left her for dead. We had to deal with that. I went to nine funerals in nine months. I was a pallbearer at seven of them.

I got real, real sick. A business I had was d- w- just tanked. Nine months, right? I was on the floor.

The most amazing part of that whole year for me was that it never occurred to me to drink. I mean, when that, that hit me is like I haven’t even thought of drinking. I thought, “My God, it’s not just words on a page. It’s real.

It’s real.” The big book does come alive, like Joe and Charlie say. It does. It becomes something. It becomes a consciousness that you manifest out into your life.

I didn’t know I was doing this stuff so that I wouldn’t drink and die. I didn’t know that it was gonna change m- my consciousness completely. But that’s what the 12 steps are designed to bring about, the recovery of the mind. Step one is what’s the problem?

I mean, you gotta really determine what the problem you’re facing is, what alcoholism is, or you’re really not gonna get anywhere. I mean, if you’re out on the road driving and you’re lost, and you call up– You’re go- you’re going to A- Aunt Matilda’s house, and you’re lost, and you call up Aunt Matilda’s house. You say, “I’m lost.” What’s the first thing they ask you? Where are you?

Where are you now? ‘Cause they can’t, they can’t tell you how to get there till they know where you are, right? Same with this deal. You can’t plot a course of recovery until you’re very clear on where you currently stand.

Right? So step one is what’s the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. I suffer from not only an allergy of the body but an obsession of the mind, the greater aspect.

Having kicked, having addressed the physical phenomenon of craving… And a lot of people think craving is a mental thing, and I think that the reason for that is, is that– Have you ever had your heart broken? Did it hurt so bad it hurt physically? Yeah, it hurt, right?

Mind is a powerful thing. It’s a powerful thing. The obsessive nature of my mind must be addressed, or I’m walking around in here and the clock’s ticking on me. It’s ticking, right?

I am, I a- there is a weakness to my game plan that is so significant it could cost me my life. That’s my experience. So step one, what’s the problem? Lack of power.

What’s my solution to that problem? Step two, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink. Remove it as an option from my life. Like the book says, I wouldn’t drink even if I could.

Worked way too hard to connect once again, to develop the thr- only three relationships I can have, relationship with self, a relationship with God, and a relationship with others, right? Why on earth, having achieved the magnificence of that, would I choose to disconnect on any level? Like in the, in, in they say that science hasn’t accomplished this.

One day it may, but it hasn’t done so yet. You know, the pill where we can take it and drink like a normal man. You can keep that pill. I have no interest in drinking like a normal man, nor do I have any experience drinking like a normal man.

Why on earth would I wanna put a substance in my body that would disconnect me from you and from God? I have no interest in that whatsoever. I remember breaking my arm a couple of years ago, and they had to give me Vicodin, this thing everybody goes out on. Frankly, I don’t get it.

But- They do in droves, right? One trip to the dentist, you know, and on your way downtown, man. And I remember the weirdest– I didn’t like it. Didn’t like it.

And what it was, was I felt disconnected, and I hated that feeling of disconnectedness. I just didn’t like it. Worked too hard to hook up. Don’t want that taken away from me.

So step one, what’s the problem? Lack of power. Step two, solution to that problem, power outside of self, greater than self. Heard a great line in a meeting the other night.

This guy gave this talk, not a real good talk, but I was hanging in there, man. Um, kinda it was a, it was a glitzy talk, right? It was a peppy talk. But there wasn’t a lot of meat in there for me.

You know what I mean? And all of a sudden, out of the m- out of the midst of this wasteland came this comment. The guy said, “You know what? If you can’t turn your will and your life over to the care of God, turn your thoughts and your actions over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous.” And I went, “There it is,” man.

That was beautiful, right? I thought, “Great, great, great.” All my little agnostic and atheist buddies, and I was like, “Here, I got something for you. Come here.” I mean, I’m out the meeting. I’m on the phone.

I got you now. Come on. There it is, man. Right?

And, uh, um… So step three, pull the trigger. Step three, pull the trigger, man. Get out on, you know, turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him.

The way I have to do step three is I turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I don’t understand. I don’t understand God. I don’t. I’ve tried to wrap my head around infinity, but every– it just won’t go all the way around.

I get, you know, like, you know, you’ve heard my story. I get, get a little s- tripped out. You know what I mean? I’m off for infinity and- -scare the hell out of myself and snap back in the room, right?

Can’t get all the way around. I don’t understand God, but I see evidence of this God in my life on a daily basis. There’s an example. There’s an example.

There’s some example. You know? It’s wild. Right?

Things that just I have no explanation for if I really stop and think about it, beyond anything I can comprehend. So I get down on my knees and I turn my will and my life… I say the third step prayer, turn my will and my life over to the care of a God I don’t understand. Me it’s the best…

I found that kind of spooky. It felt like that place on the e- on the, on the rollercoaster, you know, where it’s clicking up the thing, and third step is right about where you s- the clicking stops. You know?

Take it. Here we go. You know, and there are no getting off this ride, man. Not at this point.

Here we go. Buckle up and start taking the ride. And then it says in there we must im- immediately embark upon a plan of rigorous action. I’m paraphrasing, I believe.

Right? And the action plan is four through nine. Four and five is me, six and seven is God, eight and nine is you. Nobody else to play with.

There it is, right? Four and five, again, where am I now? Check my resentments, check my fears, check my sexual inventory. We pick these areas I think because if you wanna see where we can leave the, the, the main road, these are some really good areas to look at.

Right? And I swallow, as the book says, large chunks of truth about myself looking at this. And if I do an inventory and what I see is a man powerless over his ex- li- living experience, that’s a good inventory, that, you know, this clearly suggests to me that I need to hand the reins over to God, to a sponsor, to the group, whatev- I should not be in charge of this.

Look at, look at what I’ve accomplished so far, right? It’s not good. And then before God I read this to another individual in five. Six and seven hook it back up with God, asking God to remove the defects of character because I will remove the wrong things.

I will. I can’t cut deals in there. I gotta be willing. I was very afraid of those steps.

And I was afraid of them… I was afraid of all of them, but I was afraid of those because I thought if you remove my defects of character, I’ll disappear. It’s all I am. That is not my experience nor is it the, the experience of the many, many, many individuals I have sponsored along the way.

Nobody disappears doing six and seven. Nobody. If you’ve been to one meeting, you won’t disappear. One.

And when they said, “Are there any alcoholics present?” and you raised your hand, you won’t disappear. You’ll be fine. Eight and nine, eight and nine are tricky. Very tricky.

You notice in the book six and seven’s a couple of lines, and then there’s pages on eight and nine. ‘Cause if you stop and think about it, it’s the first time they’re going to actually let me out of the house. I can sit on the couch and do one and two, hop down on the floor, do three, get back up, write four. Guy comes in the house for five.

I read it to him. He says, “Good luck.” He leaves. Six and seven, sitting, right, hooking it right up. Eight, making a list.

Nine, I’m out the door. A lot of conversation in the book as they realize they’ve sent a very fragile, very broken man who’s quite capable of creating a great deal of mayhem out there back out onto the street. So they get it pretty much really simple for a guy like me.

“I’m very, very sorry. Here’s your money. Back of the house.” No big, you know, “Get a load of me.” Yeah. “Earl H.’s spiritual quest.

Are you loving it so far?” Right? You know? And people are like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the dough.” Cleaning up and to make amends means to change.

So if I’m a car thief, stop stealing cars. If I’m a drug dealer, I’ll sell drugs. So change. Change.

It’s what I need. 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the game. Same stuff, me, God, and you. 10, me; 11, God; 12, you.

10, I continue to take personal inventory ’cause it just scratched the surface on this thing. This is worlds within worlds here. It goes real deep. And when I f- that’s 10, right?

And when I’m wrong, promptly, promptly admit it. It’s amazing how you can loan me $1,000 that I’m gonna pay you back on Tuesday, and Tuesday when you show up and say, you know, “Have you got my money?” I am offended- … that you have come to me and shamed me in this manner.

It’s terrible. Terrible. I can turn your f- your gift to me into a resentment towards you like that. I gotta clean this stuff up.

Resentment’s the number one killer of people like us. It’s the thing that will separate me from the pack like that. Again, I cannot engage in thinking, feeling, actions that separate me from you. I gotta bring it.

That’s one of the cool things about Alcoholics Anonymous is you can come into a meeting and share just venomous stuff that’s in your head, and when you’re done people will just go, “All right.” “Love that.” ‘Cause you’re there and you’re telling the truth. It’s different in here than it is out there. People respect share, you know, the language of the heart, right?

If you’re, if there’s dis-ease and you bring it, you’re welcome. Right? It’s like, uh, somebody who’s under the influence of alcohol or drugs going to a meeting. You know, I love the, the, you know, I love it when somebody walks into a meeting under the influence and people go, “That man is drunk.”

Well, yeah. You, can you think of a better place for him to be? One of the– one of my great teachers came to 59 meeting… Donald Madden brought Steven Arrow to 59 meetings in 59 days, drunk at every one of them.

Could not stop drinking. Steven couldn’t stop drinking. Fifty-ninth day, took– went home drunk, took the Big Book, started to read it. Between pages 12 and 13, had a spiritual experience and stayed sober till the day he died.

Going to meetings. He’s drunk, but things were getting in. Things were getting in, and it came together for him on day 59, and got sober. So in the tenth step, I gotta stay in the game.

I gotta keep myself… I’m a work in progress. I’m gonna screw up, no doubt about it. The way I feel about it is if you’re not screwing up, you’re not in the game.

If somebody says to me, “You know, I have not made a mistake in eight months.” Man. So you’re just completely and totally isolated then, aren’t you? You know, I’ve made like eight mistakes today already. Just keep it going, keep it going.

I’m moving that way. I’m not there. I’m moving that way. Eleven, I, I seek God, action step.

I seek God through prayer and meditation. I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out ’cause that’s what’s suggested to me. I know not need to improve or enhance upon that, and I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. I’m happy to report God does not talk to me through the radio anymore.

I have… I… Never in sobriety have I decoded a license plate that had a message specifically for me. It doesn’t happen anymore.

I actually… If I ever get one of those personalized license plate, I’m getting N-O-M-E-S-I-J. No message. Just kind of a little shout-out from my speed freak and cocaine friends out there that are out there going, “No message.

All right. Good.” I think that’s the perfect designer license plate. No message, fellas, sorry. I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them.

The answers come to me now and if I, if I center up and I’m quiet and I’m still. It’s not the nature of the body to be still. It’s not the nature of the mind to be quiet. So that if I practice that and practice that, that to get to that stillness, that still, quiet place, I, you know, my moral psychology presents itself.

That sense of what is action that is beneficial to self and others will come to me, as opposed to action that is harmful to self and others. That it will come, and I know what the right and proper action is for me. It will come. The answers will come.

They’re in there, right? So that’s what meditation does. It’s probably… It is, for me, one of the most powerful tools in recovery, meditation.

Twelve is the third side of the triangle. Unity is the body. I bring it here. Recovery’s of the mind.

I work the 12 steps to be relieved of the obsessive thinking, to be able to finally walk the earth a free man, to no longer be enslaved by alcohol or drugs or the thinking that will take me there once again. Step 12, having had a spiritual experience as the result of working these steps, that was the whole point of the steps. I’m then…

I can practice these principles and carry the message. Third side of the triangle, service. Out of self, more God. Out of self, more God.

I can be of service. I can’t give away something I don’t have. I have to work through the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book. I gotta go with the original 100.

The guys where if you read the forewords, 70– over 75% of them came to know long-term sobriety. That beats anything I’ve ever experienced in the 23 years that I’ve been clean in terms of my fellowship. Those are the guys I gotta go with. So that when somebody comes to me and says, “Do you know how to stay sober?” I say, “Yes.

It’s called the Earl H. Plan.” You know? Yes, yes, I w- I would like to share with you as Earl sees it. All right?

No, no. Say, “Okay, have you got a Big Book? No? Let’s get you one.

Okay. Here, read the doctor’s opinion and the first eight pages of Bill’s story and ask yourself, do you identify with this? Is this true for you? And if so, we’re on a, we’re on a good start.” Read it a sentence at a time.

If it, if it really jumps out and you really identify with it, underline it. If you don’t understand that sentence or that word in it, put a question mark by it. If there’s something there you absolutely disagree with, write no. And call me up and let’s talk about it.

Let’s talk about it, one alcoholic with another. Let’s talk about it. Let’s mix it up. Let’s suppose certain ideas.

Let’s look at it this way. Let’s look at it this way. Let’s find your way in. Let’s find your way in, your words.

Not where I say, “Hey, you’re an alcoholic. Come on,” but, “No, you… Come on. Let’s find out.

Let’s find out.” And it’s a great way for me to go through the book each time I go through the book, is to set my concept of God, my understanding of the 12 step process, my relationship to the fellowship, the whole nine yards, man. Put it up on the shelf and say, “Today, right now, for me and my life, let’s see.” So then when I’ve read up to page six, all I know is up to page six. That’s what I know.

And if I’m on page six and the information that I have suggests to me that I should read page seven or I feel a need to read page seven, having read the first six, I’m in the game, man. I’m in the game. And I move through it again.

The beautiful part about working the 12 steps is, is that it’s a metaphysical process. It’s an action process, and action brings about change. If I work the 12 steps to whatever ability I currently possess, when I finish that 12 step, a change has been affected in my life. That means when I go right back and start on step one again, I’m looking at it with a whole new perspective.

It’s a whole new step. The day that I realized that was, I, I don’t know, I was several years sober, and I was meeting a friend at a meeting. And it was one of those meetings in like a room like this where they had the, the, the tables set up, you know, and the secretary sat there and the w- the guy who’s gonna lead sitting there. And I run in last minute, and there’s one seat open in the front that my friend had saved me, and she just goes, “Come on.” And I sit down, and I’m like this far from

the leader, and they say, “Okay, the meeting today is on step one.” And inside my head, I just went, “No. Come on. Step one? If– I got that knocked.

If there’s any step I got knocked, step one. Done.” “No more. Don’t have to do that anymore.” And now I’m trapped ’cause I can’t just go, “Well, step one’s.” I can’t stand up and go, “Excuse me, y’all have a nice meeting.” I’ve gotta suffer through this, right?

And this guy is gonna talk for 20 minutes about step one. I was in hell. So then the guy talked for 20 minutes on step one and blew the top of my head off. The guy’s name was Jack P.

He’d been sober 43 years at the time, and he talked about step one in a way that had never occurred to me, ever. There was nothing I was doing with step one that had anything to do with what this guy was doing in step one. And that was the day I learned about emo- meeting, a men’s stag in LA where you gotta have 25 years to get in.

Like, the newcomers have 25 years in that meeting, and they go through the book together. And when they’re done, they start over. And I thought– And when I was listening to this guy, I thought, “I remember this guy.” This is, like, 12 years ago. I remember thinking, “I wanna know what those guys are doing in there.” “What the hell are they talking about?”

I’m convinced that they all show up and they got dark sunglasses on, right? And they get in the house and they lock the doors and they draw the blinds and they all take their sunglasses, and there are just light beams shooting out of their heads. And they, then they talk about this stuff, right? I got, like, a year and a half to go, man .

And I’m finding those guys. “Let me in.” “I got my sunglasses. Let me in.” “What are you guys talking about,” right? It’s like I wanna know what they’re doing ’cause these guys have stayed in it.

They’re going deep, man. They’re going deep. And I was right back to step one, doing it again. I’ve gotta do that.

Having had that spiritual awakening, relieved of the obsession to drink, I can be of service to the new guy. And when the guy comes in and says, “I can’t stop drinking. You seem to have been able to do that. Can you help me?” “Yes.

Here. Here. This process, this path. I drank like you, and I have the experience of being completely changed as a result of this process.” So the unity is the body.

I bring it here. I go to regular meetings regularly, and that’s why, and that’s why I go. Here I find a sponsor, somebody whose job is to take me through the 12 steps as outlined in the big book. I go through that process, right?

Relieving myself of the greater aspect of the disease, the obsession of the mind. Having had that awakening, I can then be of service to the guy who– So it’s kind of a loop of AA. I come in the beginning. I’m the new guy.

I take. It’s all I know how to do anyway, so it’s set up perfectly. I take from you. Once I catch the buzz, I come to meetings in a different way now.

I go to meetings to be of service to the meeting, of service to the group. That’s what cracks me open at that level of my recovery and allows me to be– ’cause I end up being speaker boy a lot, you know? Separated up here. Like, I’m over here, you’re all over there on– in one sense, right?

The fact is, is that we’re just all here, right? Doing what we’re doing. And sometimes my meeting is the first speaker or the birthdays. Right?

That’s where I g– the message is delivered to me, i-is in that. So, um, most of my teachers in meetings when I– if I have to speak are the woman with two and a half years who’s the first speaker. Or not too long ago at our Friday night home group meeting, this woman who’d had nine and a half years and relapsed for about a year and a half and was back about two years. And listening to what had happened to her in that two years in comparison to all the other time that she’d been sober, right?

That she’d realized that she had to do the real deal or she was gonna die. That, you know, she, she’d been in relapse mode the last three years she was sober, right? And then, and then here she was– And I mean, she carried a remarkable message to me. I had to speak in Las Vegas, um, a couple– three, four months ago, and the meeting for me was a guy– I was in tears about it yesterday.

We were– a bunch of us were sitting and talking about it. This guy gets up to take a one-year cake, right? The– I mean, it’s there for us. The guy got up to take– You know, I’m the guy, the flown-in speaker.

You know, I’m sitting there in my little coat and tie looking like I got a court date. You know what I mean? You know? And this guy– And they said– And I don’t remember his name.

They said, you know, “And Joe for one year.” Place explodes. God, just… And this guy gets up, and there’s a bunch of biker guys sitting there, right, with tears running down their face clapping for this guy. And he’s walking up to the podium, and you can tell he’s bought himself a cheap suit.

He’s got on a, got on a boxy-looking suit, and you can tell he just got a haircut, and he’s got on a tie. And this is not a coat and tie boy. You know what I mean? And he gets up, and I mean, he just says how grateful he is.

And it took him three years to get a year. And he’s thanking his sponsor over there, who’s got on a coat and tie for this guy’s birthday, right? It’s, like, huge that this guy’s got a year. He’s one of the, you know, the hope– He’s one of– He’s a hopeless alcoholic.

You know what I mean? And this guy’s been sober for a year, and he’s talking. And, you know, I mean, how many birthdays have I heard in months since then, you know? That hit me so hard.

It was just so magnificent. When I got up to share, I, I basically just said, “I feel like we should just be– I don’t wanna say anything to ruin that. I think I should just stand here and look at you for an hour and then…” Like, you know, amazing, huh? That…

Right? Does– That said everything, that guy getting that year. And let’s just leave and just save that. Let’s just save that.

And I got up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? You know what I’m saying? And I left with that guy in my heart, that alcoholic who fought for his life with his

fellows, with his fellowship, with his sponsor, with the process of the 12 steps as outlined in that book, you know? And he came to take a cake to say thank you. So of course there’s no God, right?

Just an amazing thing, man. And if you’re open and willing, it’s there every single meeting. It’s there every single meeting. It’s there.

It’s there. It’s the guy in the back of the room, and you watch a guy you sponsor walk up and say hello to somebody he doesn’t know, and you watch the shock on this guy’s face that somebody came up to him and said hello to him, and he’s gonna make… He may not hear a word, but he’s gonna make it tonight.

You know? Or it’s, it’s the lady that brings the fresh-baked cookies to the meeting, you know, on Friday night, and we all descend like locusts knocking the T- Doritos out of the way as we’re trying to get to… You know?

You know? Or it’s the guy who takes the one-year cake, or it’s the first speaker who’s never been at the podium and is scared to death, you know, and says eight words in eight minutes and sits down, you know? And you just think, “Good for you,” you know?

I know how hard that is to be terrified of the podium, but you just can’t say no, ’cause your sponsor’s sitting there looking at you going, “I know it’s a drag, but forward.” And she gets up and does that and sits down, and then sh- at the break, the whole room gets up and gets in line to thank the girl who said eight words, and she’s just overwhelmed at the response she’s getting because she judges herself and projects it onto us and knows that we will get up in line and just go, you know, “Bummer, right?” You know?

“That was really sad.” And, and, and it’s not what we do. We go, “Nice going. Nice going.” We turn into something other than we are when we came in here, you know? And you watch this stuff if you’re open to it.

You can’t go to a, a meeting and not get something. You can’t. It’s there every single time. You just gotta learn how to see.

So we learn how to see. We learn how to feel. We learn how to connect. The whole human experience becomes available.

Now, I’m doing this stuff. I’m try… I, you know, I’m in the unity, I’m in the recovery, I’m in the service ’cause I don’t wanna die drunk, and look at what happens. Look at what happens.

I’m focused on getting to bed clean and sober tonight, and I win. I’m victorious if I go to bed clean and sober tonight, but I’m watching… I mean, all of a sudden I’m seeing things in a different way, and I’m connecting to the human race, and I’m watching other people struggle and their victory over…

These little victories. The amazing little victories that occur in the course of a meeting, in the course of a day. I can see them, and it’s hope for me when I see that girl get up and say eight words in eight minutes. She is the hope for me.

When I see the guy who can’t read very well get up and read a portion of chapter five and get a standing ovation, I’ve been cracked open. I just start to cry. I’m so proud to be in the company of you, to have a different way to live, to be able to see the good in people, and to be able to separate it out.

I mean, when I got here, man, I just thought, “How could God allow this? And how could God allow that? And look at that, and look at that.” I could point out to you what I saw as the flaws in your great plan. And then what the people said, “Earl,” you know, just a little saying.

Somebody would say, “Earl, don’t confuse man’s will with God’s will.” Don’t look at man’s inhumanity to ma- to, to his fellow man and see that as God’s plan. God gave us the power of choice. We became alcoholics and drug addicts and lost the power of choice.

Through, in my opinion, divine intervention, either directly to me or in the 12-step process that was delivered to Bill and then to us, right? I see God saying, “Here’s the power of choice back.” And in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a page where you get your will back, and then on the next page, right? Right, you were restored to sanity on one page, and on the next page you’re given your will back, and it makes one very gentle suggestion as to what you might wanna do with that.

So, right. Mine again? Probably not. Probably not a good idea.

I’m in charge? No, thank you. Give it back to God. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God.

We were talking the other day about the, you know, some of the unanswerable questions in AA, right? I mean, and the great one for me was always how do you improve your conscious contact with God? And I was on an SVI trip, um, one of the first ones I was on. This is my 12th trip.

I was on an SVI trip, and I’m walking on the beach with this guy who’s got a couple years, right? Just a really annoying human being. I mean it. To this day he remains an annoying human being.

He’s unavoidably annoying. He’s defenseless in the face of his own annoyance. Right? He’s just, he’s a difficult human.

And I’m walking with him, and I got about, I don’t know, Jesus, maybe 10 years at the time, something like that, and I’m walking with, walking with Father Tom, right? He’s got a few years more than me. He’s a Jesuit priest and a, and a, and a, and really a remarkable, remarkable teacher.

It’s… He… We were discussing him. He’s just a remarkable teacher.

And, uh, this guy walks right by me and says to Tom, “Tom, how do you improve your conscious contact with God?” And I look at him and just think, “You had to ruin the walk, didn’t you?” We’re in Mexico walking on the beach, and you gotta ask a Jesuit that question? These people are so over-educated. This is gonna go on for an hour, and none of it’s gonna be applicable.

It’s just gonna be this ethereal nightmare on how to improve your conscious contact with God, and I’m falling into a deep depression now. And I wanna go in my room and be alone. Nice walk on the beach. It’s gone.

And Tom looks to the guy and he says, “Oh, that’s easy. Dance.” “Sing. Go for a walk in the woods. Talk to intelligent people.

Listen to wonderful music. Read a great book.” Example after example after example of exactly, precisely, effortlessly… Thank you. You can improve your conscious contact with God.

Be of service to another human being. Put the chairs away. Clean up. Talk to somebody who’s sitting over there not talking to anybody.

You wanna improve your conscious contact with God? Do those things. We got so many opportunities in here to improve our conscious contact with God in these little, wonderful, amazing, miraculous ways. And I remember looking at Tom and thinking, “My God, you’ve answered the unanswerable question for me.” Walking on a beach in Mexico with a couple of guys, and who delivers this

message to me? This pain in the ass. Right? I mean, it just– I mean, just that little example right there just takes so much of my judgment away.

I have one New Year’s resolution that I’ve been saying every year for years. I wake up January first. Right now, granted, before you all raise your hands to offer me this, yes, there are many, many things I could add to that list. But the ones that I stick with are less, le-less judgment, more tolerance.

Less judgment, more tolerance. It cuts me off from the grand experience of life. The– None of the things that I’ve mentioned in this hour, none of the things that I have mentioned in this hour come from my consciousness. None of them.

All this stuff is outside anything that I brought here, anything that I brought here. All this stuff is a direct result of being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and listening to you, listening to you. Listening to people get up and talk and save my life night after night after night after night when my ass was on the line, and I sat in a room and quietly was changed by somebody that got up here and just did the best they could as a flawed human and sat down.

Having, you know? And along the way, I have walked up to many, many members of this program and said, “I need you to know that you saved my life.” I remember I was at a meeting one night, and I was in the– I was in what I refer to as the long, dry season of meetings, where I was going to meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting, and it just out– it, it, it wasn’t happening for me. I w– I, you know, it was the wasteland for me.

And I was crossing the desert, man, and I just kept showing up every day and going to meetings, and it– noth– it wasn’t feeling any better. And then a woman with two and a half years got up and talked about how she had, uh, was– had sought God her whole life. Had sought God and couldn’t connect, couldn’t connect with God. And she’d been to monkey rituals and- …

you know, macaroon. And she had been, you know… I mean, she had been– done all these amazing things in her search for God. And, uh, she was telling this, lamenting to her sponsor, “Look at, look at the seeking I have done, and I can’t connect.” And her sponsor looked at

her and said, and I quote, “Get a fucking job.” And that and a thing my sponsor had said to me that I’d never understood, which he’s– when– and he told me God comes in shoe leather. And I went, “Oh, yeah, okay.” What the hell does that mean? There it was, man.

I got it. I got it from her. And I got in line, and I’m out there, and I got tears in my eyes ’cause I’ve been cracked open. I’m, I’m just unavoidably emotional sometimes.

And I go walking up to her and I just said, “Hi, I’m Earl.” And she goes, “You’re Earl?” And I go, “Yeah, I’m Earl.” She goes, “Earl H?” And I said, “Yeah. Yeah.” And she starts crying and throws her arms around me and goes, “I l– Your tape saved my life, and when I first got sober, you done–” I went, “Time out.” Yeah. “You, do you know what you just did for me? You ended the longest drought I’ve ever experienced in AA.

You just cracked me open again, recharged me. I’m, I’m different with AA now because you just did ten minutes at the podium at Ohio Street on a Saturday night and said, talked about how you find God, you know? The ch– the chopping wood and carrying water of life, how we do that, and this amazing thing unfolds.

You just did f– It was, it, y– It’s amazing.” I’ll never forget her. Every once in a while I see her in a meeting, it’s like, “Hey, you.” She’s like, “Get a job.” Yeah. And she goes, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Monkey rituals, yeah. Monkey rituals.

No, job, yeah. So I mean, l– it’s the little things. It’s the little stuff. It’s the whispering in here, you know what I mean?

It’s the nod of the head. It’s that little movement. It’s that little acknowledgement. It’s that little brief, seemingly unrelated and tangible understanding that just goes in and clicks, and a whole bunch of pieces fall in place, you know?

And that’s Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s the spiritual path. It’s not about our getting anywhere. It’s about being on the path, you know?

And getting a little closer, and getting a little closer, and getting a little closer, and getting a little closer. That’s what it– So for me, unity, service, recovery, mind, body, spirit, man. That’s the deal, you know what I mean? That’s the deal, and if I’m doing all three sides of that, which we can do like that in the course of a day, right?

We can go to a meeting. I can call my sponsor. I can call some of the guys, my friends in AA. I can call the guys that I sponsor, ask them how they’re doing for a change, right?

I can connect to the body. Recovery to the mind, work the steps. I’m always on a step. I’m always because I’m alive and I’m awake, and a step is pertinent no matter what I’m doing ’cause they’re about my relationships with God, self, and others, and those are relationships

I’m engaging in on a daily basis. That’s that stuff from the beginning. Trust God, clean house, help others, right? Me, God, and you, right?

The steps. And then I can be of service. How can I help, right? Trying to be open and willing and available to other people.

And I have a life beyond my wildest dreams as a result of it. Nothing I would have ever possibly imagined. I am not a product of my own best thinking. Thank you, God, and thank you, AA.

That’s it. This concludes our workshop for this morning. Go away.